Racquel McNichols: 9 Years Sober and Stronger Than Ever

In this powerful episode of Be A Voice, host Britt Carpenter sits down with Racquel McNichols, who shares her incredible journey from the depths of addiction to celebrating 9 years of sobriety. Racquel opens up about the struggles, breakthroughs, and moments that shaped her transformation — and how she’s now using her story to inspire and uplift others on their own recovery paths. This is a conversation about resilience, hope, and the power of finding your voice through healing. 🎧 Tune in, be inspired, and Be A Voice

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Welcome to be a voice. I'm Brick Carpenter of this
USULA Media. Thanks for joining me today as we continue
on with our talks about switching gears. I've had a
lot of people that I've met throughout my recovery journey
and a lot of people that have been on their
recovery journey and how they have switched gears many times
throughout lives from wherever they came from to wherever they
are now and how they got there. And I'm sitting

(00:44):
here today with one of my favorite people that I've
gotten to known over the years that I have just
really embraced her energy, her passion, and her commitment to
not just her recovery but others as well. Today I'm
sitting here with a friend of mine and a fellow
in recovery. I'm sitting here with Kel McNichols. Hi, Rock, Kel, Hi,
how are you know? What's the funny thing is, once

(01:04):
in a while, I just want to say your maiden name.
I just want to send McNichols and then I just
like try to block that out and I don't. But
for those who don't know, McNichols is your married name.
Your maiden name is there you go. And that's sort
of what you know because you've only been married a
short time two.

Speaker 2 (01:21):
Years, two years, but you've been together how long?

Speaker 1 (01:25):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (01:26):
Seven?

Speaker 2 (01:26):
It's it's not test not that he cares. He's like,
thanks for answering that for me. I know, I'm going
to write that down.

Speaker 3 (01:33):
Seven years and we have a six year old.

Speaker 1 (01:36):
That's a good way to remember that. Just add one
to David's age and you're good. Because you're David your husband.
He won't remember either, and he won't care. And that's
the beauty of it, I know. But that's great. And
you've been in recovery how many years?

Speaker 2 (01:53):
Nine nine?

Speaker 3 (01:55):
Nine years?

Speaker 2 (01:56):
Nine years?

Speaker 1 (01:57):
It's a long time, I know, long time to be
committed to something, isn't it It is?

Speaker 3 (02:03):
Yeah, I had commitment issues for a long time.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
Well, of course it did.

Speaker 3 (02:07):
Nine years of recovery, seven years in relationship, two and
a half marriage.

Speaker 1 (02:12):
That's craziness, it is. But going back to that, you
would never gotten to this point of marriage and having
a six year old if it weren't.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
Four year recovery.

Speaker 1 (02:20):
No, absolutely, because you really aren't that sweet you know,
person sitting in front of me that you know everybody
thinks you are.

Speaker 3 (02:27):
Yeah, not when I'm drinking. That isn't no. So And
when we.

Speaker 2 (02:34):
Talk about drugs and choice, we talk about it. What
was yours.

Speaker 3 (02:37):
More alchol yeah, alcohol, heroine when it was heroin.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
Yeah, you know.

Speaker 1 (02:45):
And I know I'm glad that I got out when
I did, me too, because it just wasn't heroin anymore,
became fentanyl, and all of a sudden, it wasn't good anymore.
It lost that whole feeling. And not that I'm trying
to romanticize it, but like I'm grateful, I'm greatful, really lucky.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
You were really lucky.

Speaker 3 (03:02):
Probably wouldn't be sitting here having this conversation if we
didn't get out and we did.

Speaker 1 (03:05):
Now, And you know, I feel bad sometimes because when
I talk to somebody who's just getting out of treatment
and and I'm like, well o heroin' like and I laugh,
and I'm like, you haven't done heroin. Heroin has not
been around since like twenty eighteen, maybe even before.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
I'll google from time to time where did the heroin go?

Speaker 2 (03:25):
Like, because it's not a Kip mc cambrey anymore, it's
not a.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Fifth because I'm looking for it, but because genuinely like
working in this field, like I want it. I almost
want that back because of what.

Speaker 1 (03:39):
What's out there now now? Ye yeah, it's scary, isn't it.
Like I think about this and I think we are
you know, we're in recovery, we're recovering. But where we
are now to where people are still in their active addiction,
that could.

Speaker 2 (03:54):
Be us And.

Speaker 1 (03:57):
That's not that's not drugs anymore. That's totally on a
different level out there, Like the heroin became feentanyl, Fentanyl
then became the trank, and the trank then became the
met and then all of a sudden there's other stuff.
And it's just it's like a domino effect with it,
and it's not getting better.

Speaker 2 (04:13):
The quality is not getting better.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
No, it's the craziest business model I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 (04:19):
It really is.

Speaker 3 (04:19):
I'm like, what is the rationale thinking behind this? You know?

Speaker 1 (04:24):
And it's interesting to me when I when I do
talk to somebody who's just getting into their recovery and
they're young into it, and I.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
Say to them, you know, and then they do admit
to it. I'm like, well, what was your drug? You know?
They're like fent yeah, And I'm like, you know, I
would never I never.

Speaker 1 (04:37):
Would have thought that in my addiction that I would
be saying, you know, fetanyl is what I want, right.

Speaker 3 (04:44):
I know there were a time I did have some
stints with fetanyl patches.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
Patches, yea. When I said that, I was like, shut
up for those patches.

Speaker 3 (04:52):
Yeah yeah I did. I remember somehow in my heyday
coming to cross a whole bunch of those.

Speaker 1 (04:58):
And you know, you must bread in my mind because
when I said that, I was like, except for that patch.
Yeah yeah, you know, nine years is a long time,
you know, and you just celebrated nine years, didn't you
in August?

Speaker 2 (05:13):
But all I got is today, right, that's it. And
you are a you are a person who who does
go to the rooms and the meetings. I do you do?
And that's that's your fellow ship.

Speaker 3 (05:22):
That's yeah, that's my pathway.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
That's your pathway.

Speaker 3 (05:24):
It's my medicine.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
And you need that, yep, that's your recovery and have
you do? You do it faithfully?

Speaker 3 (05:31):
So I do? I do. I would So I have
a home group once a week that I attend. Sometimes,
like you know, life shows up like I might have,
you know, an obligation with my son, and I was
taught or like maybe like he's not feeling well, or
like once in a blue moon, something might show up
for work, you know, because I am pretty careful with

(05:51):
like having boundaries with work, but there might be something
I can't get out of. But I was taught early
on that, you know, when we get sober, right, like
we get to we get sober, and then for me,
it was like I got sober and then like my
own little family came. That was like my gifts and
my rewards of sobriety. So like I can't necessarily like

(06:13):
if my son has a soccer game, I can't pick
my home group over my son's soccer game. I just
can't because I have to show up for my son.
And that's part of my recovery, you know, as being
a mom like I got. I'm so grateful that this
is the gift I got when I got sober.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
Because there's you know, numerous amounts of meetings on any
other day of the week.

Speaker 2 (06:33):
Yeah, you could go, and that's what I'll do.

Speaker 3 (06:35):
I'll fill in, right Like if I miss Thursday night,
then I'll fill in another night. And then it's pretty
cool like having a building like I was on a
Zoom meeting last night. My sponsor spoke nine pm. And
it was pretty cool because I was sitting there and
I was listening on the meeting, sitting there on my couch,
pet my little Corgi. You know, everyone was sleeping and

(06:55):
it was nice, you know. But and that's what's really
cool about like technology where we are today, because like
you can do that from anywhere or I from feeling
like I need something. But even outside of just making meetings,
like I have my sponsor and my women, like my
little women in my group, did I stay connected with
and like do an inventory and send things out for

(07:17):
accountability and you know.

Speaker 2 (07:19):
You know, stuff like that.

Speaker 1 (07:20):
It's interesting you say that about having your own, you know,
women's group and you know the ladies that you form
bonds with, because years ago, when we talked about being
in recovery and having addiction, it was even more taboo
for women to talk about having, you know, an addiction
and being in recovery.

Speaker 2 (07:39):
Everybody always just thought that it.

Speaker 1 (07:40):
Were men who went to meetings and men who had
this and went through that and did this, because it
was one of those and it was sort of a
stigma in a way.

Speaker 2 (07:49):
And now you know.

Speaker 1 (07:52):
I don't fuck with the women in recovery because there
they are a big group of women. They are a
force to be reckoned with. Yeah, they're a powerhouse. You
don't mess with them. They're they're great people, you know
they're but but it's really cool to see that today.
But when I look at years ago and I think
about what I see in the the what I envision was,

(08:12):
you never thought about the women.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah, So to have that type of fellowship.

Speaker 3 (08:16):
It's amazing and like sister men, like they are like
I always tell like we crack up because my sponsor
and my mom a little bit. What my sponsor especially
is like one of the only women that I will
listen to and be like all right, I'll be quiet,
you know, because like I just look up to her
so much, you know. And then even other women, like

(08:38):
there's a few other women that likete that have molded
me and like taught me in the very beginning that
like I just look up to so much, and they
are powerhouses. And even if like they don't have the
same experience of something that I'm going through, they coach
me through it. They coach me through like going to
my higher power and help me to like be able

(08:58):
to look at like why something is happening right, you
know not and and they don't they pull me up.
They're not like they won't sit there and like gossip
with me or go in on it, like they'll validate
what I'm feeling and then help me figure out a
way to move past it or or to be honest,
they'll sit with me through it. That's a big thing,

(09:21):
like because you can create resistance when you're just trying
to like claw your way out of something, you know,
and they'll sit with me through it. Like I saw
this quote I put on my Facebook story a couple
of weeks ago, and it was like it was like
I forget it exactly, but basically it said, like how
much like I value the person the people that held
the lamp with for me when.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
I was going through something I saw that I forget exactly, but.

Speaker 3 (09:47):
It was like shine in the light, you know what
I mean, Like while we're going through something, not pushing
me out of it, but just sitting there and sometimes
like there's a saying like that I've heard in the rooms,
like you know, show up, use words if you have to,
and like that's something you know that they've taught me
to go by and they do that for me.

Speaker 2 (10:06):
You know.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
It's it's interesting that, you know, the further I get
into my recovery, I the more I think I don't
need that, The more I think that I don't need
to surround myself with that because I'm doing so many
other things. I'm so busy, I'm so this, and so
that then I lose a little bit of that spirituality
in me. Yeah, you know, and ILL get Yeah, I know,
but that you know. But the thing is we know it,

(10:28):
but yeah, we still do it, you know. So it's
important to hear this coming from you that, you know,
keep that circle there. Yeah, keep those people around because
you definitely need them.

Speaker 3 (10:38):
And they now, because I'm an isolator, I'll still isolate,
like and they won't. They will know, like they know
me so well, like what's going on. They'll give me
my space, but then they're like, hey, you know what's
going on you? Okay, how's things going over there? Because
even with nine years sober, like I can still I'm
a cancer. So like I like to like go in

(10:59):
my Crabs show and like retreat, you know, and kind
of just try to figure things out. Until I can't
figure them out on my own.

Speaker 2 (11:09):
Talking my language. I know all that there. Yeah, so
you know how many years did you?

Speaker 1 (11:14):
I mean, it's been nine years as of recent it
was August or yes, August fifth, August fifth, Wow, my
mom's birthday. That's I won't forget that now. You know,
nine years in recovery. How long was it in your
active addiction? What age did you start at?

Speaker 3 (11:31):
Thirty eight? Two years from forty? Who's your mind? Myself
of that? So I'm thirty eight. My thirties have been
the best years now, and I started drinking and using
at twelve, so I would say I struggled from twelve
to twenty nine.

Speaker 2 (11:50):
It's a long time.

Speaker 3 (11:50):
Math how many years?

Speaker 2 (11:52):
Seventeen?

Speaker 3 (11:52):
Seventeen years seventeen?

Speaker 2 (11:54):
I had that right away.

Speaker 3 (11:55):
I was like, do you even struggle with math right now?
And I'm like, I hear you, but I get it.

Speaker 2 (12:01):
I'm not the one to teach you math son, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (12:05):
Writing, let's write all day whatever. We could write papers,
but not math. Twelve years old, yeah, twelve years old,
grew up not that far from here, you know your vocal, Yeah,
that's how it was. It was. It was easier to
get beer and a percoset. Then it was a pack
of cigarettes, you know. I mean I was and I

(12:27):
had like that confidence from the start. When I was twelve,
I looked older, I was pretty, and it was just
very easy just to like walk into a beer to
strip and be like, yep, I'm getting a thirty pack
of Miller, like or I'm getting a six pack of
Saint Mike's. You know, it was just that easy.

Speaker 2 (12:41):
You know how to work it. You were a good addict.

Speaker 3 (12:46):
Yep, too good, too good, too quick.

Speaker 1 (12:50):
So it started at twelve years of age, you were drinking, yeah,
doing that normal fish Town Kensington border stuff. I mean,
it's interesting that the people that come on here, you
know that are from the area, like Danny Gilman, you
know when he comes on and he told his story,
you know he's from the area. It's very much it's
almost like when you talk about that nature nurture sort
of thing. You know, it's within that environment too. You know,

(13:14):
it's sort of a learned thing, don't you.

Speaker 3 (13:16):
Think absolutely it is. It just learned and it's so
socially acceptable. Like my grandpap was an alcoholic and I
remember he would get cases of meister Brow that was
his thing. Hee had delivered to the house, and well
we had an apartment on top of a deli and
fish town and I would like go down and meet

(13:37):
like the beer guy and like give him the tip,
you know what I mean, or you know, pay for
it with the tip, run it up, put it away.
And I remember like not being able to wait until
I was I could drink, you know what I mean.
But like my grandpap, he was rough, like he was
a very rough, very abusive alcoholic. But I would say like, huh,
Like in my mind was like I'm not going to

(13:57):
drink like pop. But I actually up worse than.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
Him, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (14:02):
Interesting, I'm not quite sure that I don't know any
alcoholic that wasn't abusive, right, you know. I mean some
are you know, funny and hah, but that's only a
small part of it. Most of it becomes very abusive. Yep,
you know, so that that's a quality. I mean, I
know when I drank, I was abusive. You know, it
just becomes a very nasty thing. So you were around

(14:24):
now with your grandfather, so you lived, you grew up
with your grandfather.

Speaker 3 (14:26):
Yeah, it was me, my my mom was a single mom,
and my grandparents and then like my aunt would sometimes
be there. Sometimes my uncles like were you know, would
come in and out stuff like that. But for the
most part, it was us four and my mom worked
three jobs. I didn't know we were poor because like
I had everything I wanted and need it, like I
had no idea. In fact, I didn't know I was

(14:49):
poor until it came time for my first time to
go into treatment and I was I told my mom
I was going to mail be passages. She was like,
you're on welfare, like you're on Medicaid. Like I don't, no,
we'll put You're going to Kirkbride.

Speaker 2 (15:02):
Stop watching late night TV. You were not going to
even when you.

Speaker 3 (15:06):
Lived in Los Angeles, you were there on private student loads.
Like you're not rich, we never have been. But my mom,
you know, she worked her ass off for you absolutely
still does, you know not. I mean today unfortunately I'm
self supporting, you know, but and my sister's older now,
but she still works hard. And you know it's like

(15:26):
that North Philly like grit, like that's my mom.

Speaker 1 (15:29):
Oh yeah, I met your mom and she's got that grit. Yeah,
and that face and I see where you get it from.

Speaker 4 (15:35):
You know.

Speaker 2 (15:35):
It's that that spark. It's a fire, you know.

Speaker 1 (15:38):
And I'm you know, growing up in those in that
situation and and and that aspect. You know, I I
understand how things happen. So how did it progressively get worse?
Because you weren't sort of just that casual person using no, no,
we're a badass.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
Yeah, we got pretty crazy. Yeah, So it was like
it started off and for me, the first time I
had a drink, like it wasn't like like I felt
free when I drank, but I'm used. But then it
was also like I fit in and it was like
I'm accepted. Everything just fit right, you know what I mean.
And I was accepted and it was just like all right,

(16:16):
you know. And that's how it felt for me because
I was always different. You know, I'm like a book nerd.
So although I'm not good at math, I do very
well in school. So that was how I was able
to like that was so where people have sports is competition,
School's my competition.

Speaker 2 (16:32):
Really, school was my sports.

Speaker 3 (16:33):
So you're still in school.

Speaker 2 (16:35):
I haven't nerd. I didn't know that about it. I
didn't know that about you. I have a nerd. I
love that. Yeah, except you're not good at math.

Speaker 3 (16:42):
I'm not good at math.

Speaker 1 (16:43):
Seventeen I'm taking it.

Speaker 2 (16:46):
Wasn't that difficult. I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 (16:48):
I know, I know. I had statistics like in I
don't know last year for school, and I was like, oh.

Speaker 1 (16:56):
I guess that I was an English major, so you know, yeah,
I never took a math course in I doubled up
to get out of math and one of the first
things that had to teach how to college was math.

Speaker 2 (17:05):
Yeah, you know, I.

Speaker 1 (17:06):
Was like, calculator please I do. Oh, yeah, I can't
stand it. So I get that too. But but yeah,
you you you had a journey there ahead of you. Yeah,
you had some rough waters, and you know, I want
to get into too that a little bit.

Speaker 2 (17:19):
And you know, because it's interesting. You hear all the stories.

Speaker 1 (17:23):
You hear them about the guys, but you don't really
hear that girls are badasses too, and they're in addiction.
Sometimes girls are worse than guys in addiction only because
they sort of get away with it that smile. I
think sometimes because you know, they because they're they're they're female.
I really think that sometimes people don't people don't look
at it like you she couldn't have possibly done that.

Speaker 2 (17:45):
Yeah, because you're like I did I know?

Speaker 1 (17:48):
And you're from the area, so you know these streets,
you know, the people, you know whats so tell me, Yes.

Speaker 3 (17:56):
It progressed to like you know what I mean, Like,
so I'll say this, So it progressed to nineteen year
you know, drinking and dragging every weekend became every day,
you know, perko set. I didn't really get into Oxy's.
I was actually afraid of Oxy's, but eventually graduated the heroin.
But I was doing like coke things like.

Speaker 2 (18:16):
That, and then I'll both coke up my nose. But
I don't want to take an oxy.

Speaker 3 (18:19):
Yeah I'm not taking that. Yeah, taking that. And then
I moved to Los Angeles, went out there for fashion school.

Speaker 2 (18:27):
You went, I went to them.

Speaker 1 (18:29):
Yeah I knew that about you. And what an opportunity
that is. I know, come from a lemme above a
deli on welfare to go to fit them. Yeah, that's
why you thought you had money, That's exactly why. And
again it was my mom.

Speaker 3 (18:41):
My mom just like making things happen, Like she is
that person that makes things happen.

Speaker 2 (18:46):
So you went to fit them. Already with an addiction.

Speaker 3 (18:49):
Actually yes, and my first time in the real quick
funny story. So I didn't know I was in withdrawal. Right,
So I get out there, get in this apartment. It's beautiful.
It's in the oak wood, oakwood apartments like different beans,
like when they're there recording, they stay there long term,
like I hung out with like the used and you know,
just a bunch of different people.

Speaker 2 (19:10):
I won't name drop, but a lot of people I
hung out with.

Speaker 1 (19:12):
And I would the name drop just leads you down
a different pathways, so you don't have to do.

Speaker 3 (19:16):
That exactly exactly, so you know whatever. So I was
doing that and then I remember, like she had these
organic eggs, my old roommate, and she's from Austin, Texas.

Speaker 2 (19:27):
So I eat the eggs and then I'm so sick.

Speaker 3 (19:29):
Right, So I'm calling home and I'm like, I'm out
here with these weirdos. They eat all this organic stuff.
You know. I'm from Fish Channel, like I'm used to pizza,
pretzels and RX splashes, you know. And I'm like, here,
I'm in withdrawal. Because I didn't have perks. I didn't
know what withdrawal and detox was so I detopped my

(19:49):
first time out there, not knowing what it was.

Speaker 2 (19:52):
And then how old were you nineteen nineteen?

Speaker 3 (19:55):
I was nineteen, and I didn't know.

Speaker 2 (19:57):
It was one of the first time you'd have anything
going through your system.

Speaker 1 (20:00):
You thought it was okay to just get up and
just go and you're gonna be all right.

Speaker 3 (20:04):
Yeah, like the boxing wasn't a thing back then, non,
Like if it was, it wasn't like like I didn't
know that back market.

Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yeah, I dot.

Speaker 3 (20:13):
It was two thousand and six, so I don't know.

Speaker 2 (20:16):
Yeah, it was not at all.

Speaker 3 (20:17):
No, No, So I didn't know what was going on,
you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
And you went out to LA to fit in which
for those it's the Fashion Institute of Design Merchandise.

Speaker 2 (20:26):
Right, Yeah, in LA, and you started withdrawing.

Speaker 3 (20:30):
Started withdrawing, and then but of course very quickly started drinking,
you know what I mean. And this, Yeah, so the drink,
the alcohol helped. And then not long before I knew it,
like I bought a car out there and was drinking
and driving all over LA, like I figured out what
bars I can get into underage, had a fake ID already,
you know what I mean. And then it was like

(20:51):
then it was I started coming home, you know what
I mean. Every couple of months, I would fly home
and I would get percosets and I would bring them
back on the airplane with me, you know. So then
it was like but for me, not even just bringing
what I needed, like and again still in my mind,
not knowing I needed this. It was it was a
onet for me, but I didn't need it, you know,

(21:13):
but getting away with it. Being a pretty young girl,
and I was always dressed real short.

Speaker 2 (21:17):
You use that to your advantage.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
You worked out absolutely going through TSA like and then
for me it was just adding on to like that
feeling invincible, feeling invincible, like I'm going through TSA and
I'm getting away with this.

Speaker 4 (21:29):
You know.

Speaker 3 (21:30):
And then I dropped out of school with three months left.
You know. I made it out there for about two years,
and I dropped out of college with three months left
because I had come home and I just wanted to
stay back here, like I just wanted to stay in Philly.
I wanted to party. You know.

Speaker 2 (21:46):
Were you doing well at school?

Speaker 3 (21:47):
So in the beginning, yes, and then no, no, and
then no because I didn't really ever go to class,
you know what I mean. Yeah, I got an apartment
in Beverly Hills. I was partying all the time, you know,
and it just it didn't matter to me.

Speaker 2 (22:02):
Doesn't it.

Speaker 1 (22:02):
It does like if I could party out there, I
could party back here exactly.

Speaker 2 (22:06):
You'll be home the streets that I really know.

Speaker 3 (22:08):
And yeah, and that was the thing, Like I was nervous.
I still was like young, and I was I wasn't
as brave as I became later on at that time,
thank god, because I know I would have got caught
up out there. You know. It was still like, let
me go back when I knew, and then when I
got back here, it was like just the off to
the races. Got the jobs, you know, let me go

(22:30):
get jobs as a bartender, as a cocktail waitress at
the Ritz Carlton, because then I can go and I
can drink and use every day. But I'm making a
lot of money and you can't say nothing to me.

Speaker 2 (22:40):
Right, you got cash in your pocket wherever you wan did.

Speaker 3 (22:43):
And it's the limelight, you know what I mean. Like
I'm hanging out again still with all these people, you know,
and then you know, for I lose that job four
years I was there, lose that because it's like I
can't get there on time, and then it comes like
you know, the stealing and stuff like that. But I'm
always so smart that no one can ever quite catch me,

(23:05):
you know.

Speaker 1 (23:08):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:08):
Then it was like I figured out how to like
get prescriptions from doctors. Pretty young girl, getting all kinds
of prescriptions, you know, making a lot of face cash.
And you know, then I discovered perk thirties. So it
was like all these years it just percocets, perk thirties.

(23:30):
Within six months, you're the game changer.

Speaker 2 (23:32):
The thirties were the game changer.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
Yeah, and then within six months I was on heroin.

Speaker 1 (23:36):
Because you can't afford the thirties anymore. Yeah, And you
go to a ten for a bag, yep, so or
you go for a bundle, and you know, it's like
you have to start doing that math. It's like doing
the comparison at BJ's it what's better for your quantity
and your buck and all that, And people don't realize that, Like,
you know, people people like will talk down and talk,

(23:57):
you know, and call some real stigma words like you know,
you junkie, are you dumb ass? You dumb drug addict?
But I think they don't realize that most people in
addiction are extremely smart.

Speaker 3 (24:05):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (24:06):
I mean they managed to get by on a daily basis. Yeah,
I know.

Speaker 3 (24:10):
I look back and I'm like, what the hell? How
did I do it?

Speaker 2 (24:13):
Like, I know, how did you do it?

Speaker 1 (24:16):
I mean just because you weren't too slick, because you
got caught up in.

Speaker 3 (24:21):
We'll get there eventually, I did, you know? I would
steal clothes, right Like I would go to all my
favorite stores and steal clothes. But it wasn't to sell them.
It was so I could dress up the outside because
I was always so worried about what everyone thought of me.
So it was like so I could still dress up
the outside. Would go steal skincare, I would go steal
makeup because it was about like what I the image,

(24:42):
the image, the image, what I had to sell this one.
I don't really like wear it makeup now because I
don't need to have an image anymore. Still love my clothes,
they even cause them my toys, they are my toys.
But the other stuff, I don't you know what I mean,
And so I I, you know, I'm doing those kinds
of things. And then I was always bar attended. And
then it was the prescriptions and that's how I was

(25:04):
making money. And then it was like getting people, being
the middleman, you know what I mean, like getting people.
People will call me, hey, you know anyone with addorall, Hey,
you know anyone with some boxing, you know, anyone with this,
and I would go get it, you know, and then like,
you don't do legal activity for free, so I tackle
in a little price, yes, always, you know. And then

(25:24):
and then it was like that that kind of thing.
And then fortunately like again my mom like and my
aunt like helping me out with apartments and God bless them.
Like I would get in these places, and then of
course I didn't keep up with the rent because I
didn't paying bills, wasn't there wasn't even a forethought. And
then I'd get evicted and then it'd be the next
one and the next one, and then finally at twenty seven,

(25:47):
they were like, look, we're done. And then something I had,
like a moment of clarity and I told them the truth.
I was like, hey, you know, I sat them down.
I'm like, I'm on heroin, and they're like, we know,
Like I was one that didn't know, they knew, you know.
And then that was when the conversation started about going
to rehab the first time, and it took me about

(26:07):
a week. Like I was technically homeless, but I didn't
sleep on the streets. I was couch surfing. And I
went to treatment that first time when I was twenty seven.
I went to a detox at a hospital and then rehab,
and I wasn't like, but I had no desire to
be sober. I just didn't want to be homeless, you know.

(26:28):
I just didn't want to be homeless. So that got
me in the door because I was very scared of that.
And then I remember wanting to be who I used
to be before, right, Like I wanted to be successful, right,
I wanted to be this. But to be honest with you,
my brain was so fogged that, like, I was never successful.
It was that was all mirage, It was all image.

(26:49):
I thought I was, you know what I mean, ye,
And then it was you know, so I started like
going to meetings and stuff like that afterwards, and I'm
in autpatient and then all this stuff happens. Get everything
back really quickly, you know, I get my license back,
get my teeth fixed up, get you know, put some
weight on, get a boyfriend, you know, and uh then

(27:11):
it's like all of a sudden, I'm like, I buy
a new car, like all these really impulsive quick decisions
right with no careful planning and really no recovery either,
like a little bit, a little bit, but not anywhere
to what it was is nil and the bekin. And
then I remember relapsing and like I literally that relapse.

(27:33):
I call it the eight month run a hell, cause
even with those seventeen years straight, there were nothing compared
to this eight months. Yeah, spiraled, I spiraled. But the
worst part about it was is that from the moment
like I did that first bag again, it wasn't like,
oh my gosh, like what I didn't get that relief.
I got like what did you do? Now, Nail? What

(27:56):
why'd you do this? And then the next thing is
is like for me, like I admire when people ask
for help and I tell them that, Like when people
call me and they say like I want to go
to treatment, or I meet talk them on the streets.
I tell every single person I'm proud of them because
I couldn't do that. And I know, like sometimes they
say like, oh, well, it's your ego that couldn't ask
for help. It wasn't my ego bright. It was that

(28:18):
it was like the power of the drugs and the
alcohol that I couldn't ask for help. Like once it's
on me, that's it. Like I couldn't stop it. I'm
in the grips. There's no stopping that. There's no me
saying like oh, I want to go in to treatment,
like I'm like, there's problem. People Like that was me.
You have no off switch, no off switch, as bad

(28:38):
as I want to have one. Like I remember getting
in my truck brand new, you know, g Patriot. I
want to go to my apartment in Port Richmond, and
I'm driving down the A F and I can't stop
and I'm crying and I'm asking God whatever's out there
to help me stop and I can't stop. Like that
was what that eight months was like. I remember sitting

(28:59):
there like the ritual of like getting everything together, getting
ready to you know, get high, and then pulling out
like my big book and starting to read and then pray,
and I still couldn't stop. Like it's just that powerful,
you know, in.

Speaker 2 (29:14):
That eight months? Is that? When? Is that? Is that
how you you ended up in jail?

Speaker 4 (29:17):
Then?

Speaker 3 (29:18):
Yep?

Speaker 2 (29:18):
So then in that eight months time.

Speaker 3 (29:20):
Yeah, so I the end of the eight months so
because there's never an Amazon unemployment, you know what I mean,
there was money coming in. I developed a very big,
you know, crack cocaine habit during that point, and you know,
using cocaine, you know, ivy as well in xanax and
alcohol and everything. And I walked into a bank with

(29:45):
a demand note and and you know it said like
give me the unbanded bills in thirty seconds on a
post it note. And Gate was given some money and left,
and then I got caught six days later by the FBI.

Speaker 2 (30:00):
You robbed the bank.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
I robbed the bank.

Speaker 2 (30:02):
How old were you?

Speaker 3 (30:05):
Twenty nine?

Speaker 1 (30:06):
Twenty nine? And you just walked into a bank with
a post it note?

Speaker 3 (30:11):
Yep?

Speaker 2 (30:13):
It was just like well thought out. Was this something
you thought about before?

Speaker 3 (30:16):
Don't be trying to get me a conspiracy charge?

Speaker 2 (30:22):
Is the time limit up yet? Is that statued up yet?
You're good?

Speaker 3 (30:25):
Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
Now, don't worry. Nobody's listening. Nobody's listening. You're good.

Speaker 3 (30:36):
We're in an undisclosed location. Oh no, shit, no, I
just I was just like driving around that day and
it was like I remember, actually I know. I vaguely
remember my mom reminded me of this and that I
had called her at like three pm and answer like
it was always a cawborrow money.

Speaker 2 (30:58):
I ever wanted a cat borrow. I've never borrow. Yeah,
you need to be money because I'm not paying you back.

Speaker 3 (31:02):
Yeah yeah, if but borrow was my geam, I would
say borrow and I answered that and then it was
like I think it was like twenty minutes later I
walked into the bank.

Speaker 1 (31:12):
And did you ever think about that before like that day?
Was that something you ever thought of thought? Or is
this like in a drug induce state?

Speaker 3 (31:21):
Well, like I thought of it, you know what I
mean because like for me, like I didn't like there
was some other things that like I was afraid to do,
but like that wasn't one of them, so you know, And.

Speaker 2 (31:30):
It was a square post it note. What did you
write on there?

Speaker 3 (31:33):
Give me the unbanded bills? In thirty seconds? I'm armed.

Speaker 2 (31:38):
You told them you were armed, but you were not.

Speaker 3 (31:40):
No, I wasn't no, so I got I got no.
They gave me the.

Speaker 2 (31:45):
Money, that's right, because the didn't catch it to six
days later.

Speaker 3 (31:47):
Six days later, the Democratic National Convention was in Philly. Yeah,
and I remember, like, you know, six days later and
it was like right around the corner from my mother's house,
like where I went, like the bank, you know, and yeah,
and I got caught six days later my mom someone
else turned me in, I think, but my mom really

(32:08):
turned me in.

Speaker 2 (32:09):
Good for her, I know, I know. Yeah, I asked
how much you got?

Speaker 3 (32:13):
Yes, So I'm a numbers person. There you go.

Speaker 2 (32:17):
You can't do math, but you know how much money
was there?

Speaker 3 (32:19):
I know how much money I can't foot but I
like numbers. I like numerology, like I see like triple
ones and triple fives all the times. So it was
nine hundred and eighty six dollars, which is fourteen dollars
too short to be a thousand, right, and a thousand
or more I would have did federal time. So I
actually did county time, but was looking at state time.

(32:43):
But I did it stayed within the state, not federal.
So fourteen means redemption salvation two. So I always think
of like the significance of that being fourteen under one thousand,
and that that was like where my life changed.

Speaker 2 (32:58):
Wow, and how many how long did you spend.

Speaker 3 (33:01):
In about almost seven months Street Road. I was up
street road. Yeah, or difference, Yeah, state roots.

Speaker 2 (33:10):
We know where we meant. It's not the nicest place.
It's it's not.

Speaker 3 (33:14):
But listen, I like I always say, beauty blooms in
the darkest places, Like that place lights me up. It
lit me up. I'm not even kidding. I didn't have
the experience of like, oh my gosh, like, yeah it
was dark, but like I didn't have an experience where
like people were mean to me. Actually, one time, I
remember this girl was like, oh, she just another white
girl in here for for a dope or a trick

(33:35):
in charge. And I was like, I robbed the bank,
leave me alone. We're like, oh, she's just set it
off because I was. But I was so sick in there,
Like I was so sick. I went through with y'all
for three months because I was also a methodone at
the time too, so I didn't mention that. But I
was also a methodone and product of A facts not

(33:59):
making it. There's still send in faxes, by the way,
but A Facts didn't make it to the jail and
I never got dosed again. For me, that was a
good thing because to be honest with you, like it
didn't work for me anymore because I had learned how
to abuse that. I'll abuse anything like caffeine, you know
what I mean, caffeine and nicotine. Like I'm not not
paying a bill to get that, but I definitely abuse it,

(34:22):
you know what I mean. It's it's there's definitely some unmanageability.
But methodone I abused.

Speaker 2 (34:27):
It I had was it. Anthony Wilson was on. You know, Anthony,
we we trade one addiction for another. Yeah, we don't.
It's not like everybody's like, oh, we're healed, we're sitting. No,
you know what.

Speaker 1 (34:40):
We go to gambling, we go to sexting, we go
to the caffeine, we go to shop, and we go
to Amazon, we do whatever it is. It's it's just
like that domino effect in that aspect. But so you
got out of jail, and when we got out of jail,
was that when you went on that path of was
that your sobriety path start?

Speaker 2 (34:55):
Yes, that was the beginning. You didn't look back. No,
You're like the hell with that.

Speaker 3 (35:00):
In there, I started to do meetings in there. The
girls got me a big book in there, you know,
And I still use that to this day.

Speaker 2 (35:08):
Did you make friends in there?

Speaker 3 (35:10):
I've made a lot of friends. Some of them listen,
they signed it. Some of those girls I've had the
pleasure of sponsoring. And some of those girls I've had
the pleasure of sponsoring and they died. Some of those
girls are still out in the streets in Kensington and
I see them. Some of them have like they call
me because my number hasn't changed.

Speaker 2 (35:29):
Because you switch gears.

Speaker 1 (35:30):
You switch gears totally from your whole life being in
disarray and fucked up to like going back and giving back,
because what are you doing now?

Speaker 3 (35:39):
So Neil, I mean, I work, you know, in behavioral
health substance use, right, like I work in treatment. My
whole background is working and behavioral health and treatment. And
I volunteer. I'm on you know, some boards, and I
you know, help out, you know, like help out with
a recovery house, like you know, I whatever, whatever it is,

(36:03):
like just just it might look like talking to families
and helping them, walking them through the process and teaching
them like what their loved one is going through and
how to access services, you know, And then it also
looks like meeting people in the depths of hell and
help walking them through to access services, or it might
look like some days like praying on like today, like

(36:26):
you know, I had I have someone I'm supporting and
they are overwhelmed because life on life terms is hard
and this person was unsheltered for a long time and
they lost everything, like all their documents, you know what
I mean.

Speaker 2 (36:38):
And you know how that is.

Speaker 3 (36:39):
It's like it's like that's a domino effect. I can't
get my ID because I don't have my Social Security
cord or my certificate, and I can't get this because
I don't you know. So we just literally took a
movement on the phone and we just took a break
and we counted her wins. We counted everyone that she's
had since she got out of treatment on Thursday. And
guess what, my girl's killing it. There's a lot of wins.
And we talked about how it's a process and then

(37:01):
I said to her, do you trust me? And she
was like I do and I was like going, yeah,
I got your back, Like it's not easy.

Speaker 2 (37:08):
How do you balance it? It's a lot. And I'm
talking not just about like all your work. I'm talking
about everything. I'm talking about being married and having a
child and doing the family thing.

Speaker 3 (37:18):
I can see Catherine, Catherine, I'm I'm coming to see
her this month. I can see Catherine from my roots
every couple of months now. I have to be honest
and telling myself I've been smoking a little bit more
than I should recently, you.

Speaker 1 (37:32):
Know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (37:32):
It's just been just I'm not going to get into it,
but just very stressed because work.

Speaker 2 (37:36):
Your husband is in recovery. He is in recovery, and
that's two people in recovery in a household. And you know,
so he gets it exactly. He gets it.

Speaker 3 (37:46):
He gets it, which is really cool. And he's like,
you know, my voice of reason a lot of times,
and he's balanced. Yeah, yeah he is. And we're like
complete opposite, which is pretty cool.

Speaker 2 (37:55):
I've seen that and I like that a lot. It's
you know, he reels you back in a little bit.

Speaker 3 (37:59):
He does. And I'll look at him and I'm like
and even sometimes I'll look at him like make the decision.
I can't make it right now, and vice versa, you know.
But but yeah, we bounce each other. I got really lucky,
and so to take care of myself like I do
still obviously like my like little self care like massage

(38:22):
every now and then. I don't go as often as
I should, or facial but I will you know, pedicure
stuff like that. Just knowing when like I need to
like take a day off and excuse me, kind of
just like retreat, you know, definitely prayer, you know, doing
stuff like that, making sure, excuse me, I make my meetings.

(38:44):
Maybe it looks like a day of like just like
clearing the schedule on the weekend, you know, I know
kind of just like hanging out at him and I
have a very sassy, busy six year old, you know,
and that could be a little challenging. But like I
love our Friday nights together.

Speaker 2 (39:04):
You know, like we as a family in it. That's
your Fridays, are your nights together.

Speaker 3 (39:07):
Yeah, and sometimes like I'll have my like Dave will
you know, go do his own thing, you know, on
Friday nights. And it's really like consistently it's been like.

Speaker 2 (39:16):
Me and David like have his night. That's awesome.

Speaker 3 (39:19):
Yeah, me and David, we'll have our Friday nights and
you know, like we bike riding has been something that
we've been doing. He recently stopped, well he didn't really
need training wheels long at all. But he rides without
training wheels, so we kind of just ride around, you know,
where we live at and and it's nice, you know,
it's very like comforting. Like I love being outdoors. I'm

(39:43):
not a hiker and all that stuff, but I like
sitting in my yard. I like bike riding down and
getting there.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
Take a bike down to get some cigarettes, go back
to my yard, sit there and smoke some.

Speaker 3 (39:51):
Of good I have a basket. I put the cigarettes
in there.

Speaker 2 (39:54):
I don't wait.

Speaker 3 (39:55):
Sometimes I can't find my lighter, so I got the
whole torch light, the the candleliter.

Speaker 2 (40:01):
I know what you're talking about, the big one. Yeah,
do you have a basket picking up for the Corky?

Speaker 3 (40:09):
No, Dave didn't get me one, and I wanted that.

Speaker 1 (40:12):
Will you tell Dave to come pick up that tricycle
bike at the hub and to get rid of the
amp and the speakers and put the basket on for
the Corky could ride that stuck around the neighborhood.

Speaker 3 (40:22):
I want one for my Corky.

Speaker 2 (40:23):
So there you go.

Speaker 3 (40:25):
That's my girl. Listen. I only had a dog when
I was like little, and so I was like three,
so I don't Schubert. I don't remember him that much,
but I'll tell you what my girl like, how old
is she? She's won her birthday's April tenth, and yeah,
she's won.

Speaker 2 (40:40):
Luna and she runs you because she's a corky.

Speaker 4 (40:43):
First.

Speaker 3 (40:43):
Yeah, I want to get her face tattooed on me,
but I have to get David first.

Speaker 2 (40:50):
But she explained that to your kid. I do I
love Luna? Mom? Hello, you know the moon?

Speaker 3 (40:57):
The moon? I love the moon.

Speaker 2 (40:58):
Yeah, so her names, that's awesome. Is she more your
dogs in days or absolutely? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (41:04):
I was afraid of her at first. We rescued her,
and at first I was afraid of her. And now
it's like she is totally my dog.

Speaker 2 (41:10):
That's because Corki's run the house.

Speaker 3 (41:12):
They do.

Speaker 2 (41:13):
They're the boss the personalities, Yeah they are. Did she
get thicker as Is she getting thicker? Yeah? Yeah they do.

Speaker 3 (41:20):
She she's still little, but she's thick.

Speaker 1 (41:22):
They get thick, get thick. Yeah, they got spunken attitude,
those corkies.

Speaker 2 (41:27):
Yeah they are.

Speaker 3 (41:28):
She doesn't like my perfume. When she'll smell me, like
she loves my neck, put her head right here, So
I perfume once day and She'll like make faces and
and sneeze and everything.

Speaker 1 (41:40):
Isn't it funny how dogs can change you. Dogs can
definitely don't know about kids. I never had one another,
you know, I'm so okay with that. You go about
dogs all night long. Yeah, so you have had some
crazy times, Roquel. You know, starting at twelve years of
age up through the age of twenty nine, experienced a lot.

(42:01):
You knew how to work it. You know, you use
it to your advantage, which most most good drug addicts do. Yeah,
you know, we we work it to our advantage. But
you've really turned it around into something positive. I mean,
you rode the bank, I know, and you got away
with it for six days. So you weren't a good
bank robber. No, so that's because someone turns in.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
Yeah, how did they know?

Speaker 3 (42:25):
Well, it was I think it was like footage came out,
like I know, it was on the news.

Speaker 2 (42:29):
Oh so your face with the news, you know, this
person the camera on. Was it a reward offered? Did
you not get a reward?

Speaker 3 (42:36):
I don't know. I need to find that.

Speaker 2 (42:37):
Let's find that out. I wish if she get a
reward for that.

Speaker 3 (42:40):
How much I want to talk to her because she
if she did, if she put it towards my student
loan for me, let me get that back.

Speaker 1 (42:49):
That n eighty six dollars. Sure hell didn't go towards
your student loans. So in those six days, was that
undred eighty six dollars gone?

Speaker 3 (42:57):
Now I have forty dollars left? Exactly was that pocket?

Speaker 1 (43:01):
You know that was a big You never read nothing
at all, but you sure as hell's been nine hundred
and forty six dollars.

Speaker 3 (43:08):
I met, Well, we went to the casino and my
ex he used to gamble.

Speaker 2 (43:12):
So he like doubled it. You know, did he know
you robbed the bank?

Speaker 3 (43:16):
Afterwards? I went back and I was like, hey, I
wrapped up. I rabbed this bank. Do you what do
you want? I'm going down the way.

Speaker 2 (43:21):
What do you want?

Speaker 3 (43:22):
He was like wait what?

Speaker 2 (43:23):
He followed the couches like what. I'm like, what do
you want?

Speaker 3 (43:25):
I'm out?

Speaker 1 (43:27):
You know?

Speaker 3 (43:28):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (43:29):
Is this bank still around?

Speaker 3 (43:30):
No? It isn't. But I have a good amends story.
Well about the bank.

Speaker 2 (43:35):
I want to know what then? Because I was going
to ask about that.

Speaker 3 (43:38):
Yeah, So I okay, so let me go back a little.
So went to jail. I did a diversion program. I
went to treatment from jail for I was on FUR,
went there then from there was like me and they
at the outpatient case manager all that stuff. And then
I started volunteering a pro ACTS and I was already

(44:00):
like going to meetings every day, you know, probably did
like way more than a ninety and ninety, you know.
And I ended up getting off of FUR. I went
back in front of my judge and got off of
FUR in like May. So I was home February to
like May so in three months, and then dropped down
the probation and even my eventually, so I was on

(44:23):
probation and then I remember my PO. I got a
job at Proact that full, and my PO was coming
in and was sending me people because I was certified
recovery specialist and she was sending me people to work with,
which was pretty cool. And then I like dropped the
on the like non reporting probation, and I was paying

(44:43):
my restitution all along, like what I could pay?

Speaker 2 (44:46):
Did you pay back?

Speaker 3 (44:47):
I did, so I was paying it. And then I
remember I had David. Was I pregnant with dep okay,
so I was pregnant with I don't remember if I
had David or I was pregnant. It was around the
time here I might have just had David. And I
went in front of my judge for early probation termination
because I had three years probation. It was a five

(45:09):
year sentence total, it was like six to twenty three
with three years probation. And my judge told me at
my sentencing like, if you come back in front of me,
you're going upstate, like I don't care thirty yard or
whatever it.

Speaker 2 (45:20):
Is where we want to go.

Speaker 3 (45:21):
Well, I would have went to monthy.

Speaker 1 (45:22):
Monthly, I mean, yeah, sorry, yeah, which he's not even
as good, you know, yeah bellefont.

Speaker 2 (45:28):
Right, you know.

Speaker 3 (45:29):
So I went in front of my judge and I
was like, you know, I just became a mom, you know,
and things like that, and this is where you know
what I've accomplished. And I got off probation early, like
two years early, which was really nice. And then I
went on to like, you know, work for the city,
and then after that, I, where's that goond with that?

(45:51):
So then I paid off my restitution last year, I remember,
and I just remember that feeling like that final payment
was like oh and then so like last year was
like my whole like full circle. Aments. So I was
at my sister in law's Dave's sister. Her wedding was
latest November, and I'm there and I'm the outside smoking
and you know, the whole family, we're all in the wedding,

(46:13):
you know, and I'm smoking with this woman and she's like, oh,
what's your name? And I tell her my name and
here's now, this is my ego. I'm like, I don't
say I help someone she lose and she's like, you're
on my bank. What's like wait what? So then like
my face like I'm pretty teen, right, pale white, pale white.

(46:33):
And I'm like, oh my gosh. I'm like I'm so sorry.
And she's like, no, it's okay. And I'm like, so
here i am with the amends, like I'm getting to
make a direct events right now, and I'm apologizing to
her and I'm like, I'm really sorry, you know, like
I scared you guys, Like that was horrible that day
and we talked about it.

Speaker 2 (46:52):
Was she there that day?

Speaker 3 (46:52):
That woman, Yeah, she was the bank manager. She was
working that day and she just so happened to be
a guest that my sister in law's wedding m h.

Speaker 2 (47:02):
And she knew who you were. Came out people know
like names and stuff like that, but oh, yeah, you're
rob My Bank. It was insane.

Speaker 3 (47:09):
It was absolutely insane, and you know, we were talking
and we were laughing and we I got to apologize
to her and at the end of that she was like,
I've heard about all the good things that you've been doing,
and thank you for who you are.

Speaker 2 (47:21):
That's awesome.

Speaker 3 (47:22):
Yeah. Yeah, And she was like, she was like, we
got the restitution to think when you pay restitution, they
places do get it back.

Speaker 2 (47:28):
They do, they do. That's when that day. That's good,
that's good. Thanks for a night here. In sixty four
eighty six eighty.

Speaker 3 (47:36):
Six dollars ninety it was a really expensive loon.

Speaker 2 (47:39):
It was, Yeah, but there's no interest on it.

Speaker 3 (47:41):
There was there a lot of interest, a lot of interest.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
How many years of interest?

Speaker 3 (47:49):
Yeah, I told you I just finished paying it off
last year, so that's nuts. Yeah. So I got like
the full circle amends of that, you know, And yeah,
I have of this little record and stuff like that.
But I'm really blessed that it hasn't like gotten in
my way, you know, And I do anticipate on applying

(48:09):
for a pardon eventually.

Speaker 1 (48:11):
You know that is so, but but you know people
have done a lot worse and you have changed so
much that something like that.

Speaker 2 (48:29):
Is really just more. I always say a character builder.

Speaker 1 (48:31):
It builds the character of who you are now, so
you can't really judge that fact of what you know
you were that.

Speaker 2 (48:37):
I gotta tell you.

Speaker 1 (48:37):
I love the story. I love the post it note.
I didn't know this story before. We never really talked
about it. I love the fact that you told them
that your arm and you weren't. It takes balls.

Speaker 2 (48:45):
That's amazing, that's sick.

Speaker 3 (48:47):
I got a possession of an instrument of a crime
for a post it note.

Speaker 2 (48:50):
Where the hell was the post it note? I don't.

Speaker 3 (48:53):
I think I went to like the dollar store. There
was a yeah, I post to note, a Star Wars
hat and a Star Wars bag because in my head
I hate Star Wars and nobody would have thought it
was me.

Speaker 1 (49:07):
So wait, you stole a Star Wars hat and a
Star Wars bag to put the money in, and and
the hat you wore.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
Yeah, but they still knew you.

Speaker 3 (49:17):
Yeah, Flip.

Speaker 2 (49:17):
Your mom's like, there's my weird no daughter, with a
Star Wars hat.

Speaker 3 (49:20):
Yeah, I know. And I had Adidas foot flaps one.
So Adidas foot flaps that is still like my signature
when I'm not dressed up. And I had them one
and they were calling me the flip floppy end it.
I hadn't eame at all.

Speaker 2 (49:34):
I love it.

Speaker 4 (49:35):
I can't believe you missed this. I don't know how
I missed twenty sixteen. Oh, I was only my I
was even a year in my recovery. I was still like, hey,
what's up. Yeah cool, I'm good, you know, don't worry
about me.

Speaker 3 (49:51):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (49:52):
Yeah, I was not too good, so.

Speaker 1 (49:56):
I did. Wow, you know, but that I don't remember this,
but I I'm just gonna even start googling this shit
now and I'm gonna find out more and more and
more because you know, Roquel that it's nice and you know,
I laugh about it.

Speaker 2 (50:07):
We laugh about it, and we can laugh about it.

Speaker 3 (50:09):
You know.

Speaker 1 (50:10):
But this isn't uncommon. Your story isn't extremely unique. No,
And I don't mean to sound like that, but like
people will be like, wow, did you hear Rokel mac
Nicol's story. That's crazy, that's messed up. Not so much
when people do what we've done and experience what we did.
They go to drastic measures and it just shows you

(50:31):
the measures that you can go to when the disease
takes over.

Speaker 2 (50:35):
Yeah, I would have been dead because to you is
addiction of disease.

Speaker 3 (50:40):
To you, it is to me it is because I think, Yeah,
because it is. It is something that I fully am aware,
Like I know the truth in my disease, right, and
my truth is like once I put one in me
of anything, like I can't stop, like I explained that
earlier on Like you know, I can't ask for help.
And it's not because it's my ego that's like the

(51:01):
few I don't want help. It's because I truly can't stop.
So it is a disease to me because that's not
But it's also treatable and I treat it with my
pathway like I treat it with a twelve step fellowship,
you know, And that's how I treat it. And like
a relationship, I don't go to church. I go to
church basements, you know, that's my that's my pathway enough

(51:24):
that you know what I mean. And I like have
my my version of God, you know, in my version
of a higher Power and my God works through people,
and you know, my God works through like you know,
whenever we're together, like just us teaming up and things that,
like you know, how you've helped me. Like that's how
God shows up, like through kindness and other people for me.

(51:45):
And God also shows up for me through other people's
pain as well, you know, in my pain, and there's
always like a healing movement from that. And I do
think it's a disease because I you know, it's just
something that I'll live with forever and I have to
have acceptance to it, just like a disease.

Speaker 1 (52:07):
And I don't know if you know, for me, I
never really thought about it. But you know, you have
you and Dave and both in you know, recovery. Do
you ever worry about David?

Speaker 2 (52:16):
I do you do?

Speaker 3 (52:17):
Yeah, especially like because he has his little tendency to
tell stories, you know what I mean. But but I
do sometimes and he's still pretty young. But I will
say this, like recovery is very alive and well in
our home, you know what I mean. Like so like David,
like he was baptized, he did go to Catholic school

(52:40):
for a little bit, like in preschool, he goes to
public school now, and but he like praise like we
have taught him, like when you're having a hard time,
like a mommy and daddy aren't around, like to pray,
you know. And like I remember him being three years
old and we were talking about God and I was
explaining to him who God is and I was like, yeah, God,

(53:00):
like your God could be in your heart, he could
be in the sky, he could be what in your toy,
whatever you wanted to be. And he was like, my
God's Batman. And I was like, done, that's the cool part.
Your God can be Batman, you know. And like he
had like a little resentment with like somebody at school,
and I remember I was like laying there talking about it,

(53:21):
and I'm like, all right, let me teach him the
resentment prayer, like what we have right, And the resentment
prayer is like God, save me from being angry? How
can I be helpful to this person? And I say
it to him and he's like, well, I don't want
to help them, and I'm like I get that. He
changed it. He said, God, help me to have good

(53:41):
thoughts and take away the bad thoughts, and help them
to have good thoughts and take away the bad thoughts.
He was five when he did that, and like he
just turned six in June, and I'm like, that's pretty cool.
Like I use that, Neil, you know, so like we
like he doesn't know exactly what meetings are like for work,
knows like mommy helps people that are sad and I

(54:02):
help people find houses. You know, that's like the best
way I can explain to him. And he prays for
people that are sad and people to find houses every night.

Speaker 2 (54:11):
You know, at what age do you think you would
share your story with him?

Speaker 3 (54:15):
I guess probably when he's old enough to comprehend it,
you know.

Speaker 2 (54:18):
Because I think you're a bad ass. You know that,
don't you. It's probably gonna make fun of you.

Speaker 3 (54:22):
A cop. He wass to be a cop. That's my carment.
My kid has wanted to be a police officer since
he was three.

Speaker 2 (54:29):
Talk about full circle. You know.

Speaker 1 (54:32):
So if you had the opportunity to go back to
eleven year old just turning twelve year old, rock hell,
what would you say to her?

Speaker 3 (54:42):
Who? Yeah, that's one to get you thinking, you know, Yeah,
I mean I struggled at that time period of not
like having a dad. That was when it really started
because my dad was incarcerated for a long time. And
I would just say, like I would ta myself, like
what you have is enough, you know, like you don't

(55:03):
need more. You don't need more, You have everything that
you need. You know, you don't need to fit in.
It's okay to be different, you know, you don't need more,
like you have. What you have is what you know
was meant for you to have. And I would tell
myself also that it's okay to be like human because

(55:23):
at that time period, like I've really struggled with that perfection,
like everything had to be perfect perfect, you know, and
that's a big thing I worked on in recovery and codependency,
you know. And I would have taught, you know, tell
myself then that, like you don't need other people to
make you feel whole.

Speaker 2 (55:42):
I like that, you know. I like that right there
because that's what I thought for so long. That's very cool,
you know.

Speaker 3 (55:49):
And I'll be honest, My healing with like not having
a dad didn't go away until I became a mom,
right like I thought it did. But like when I
became a mom, and really, when I watch my husband
be the dad that he is with our son, I
was like, I don't. I stopped longing for that because
my kid got it. I was like, wait, if I could,

(56:11):
if I had to go through all that it all
over again for my kid to have this, I would.

Speaker 2 (56:15):
It's worth it.

Speaker 3 (56:16):
It was it so worth it, so worth it because
he has and like the most amazing dad and that
piece of me like that healing. I finally stopped wanting
it when I watched like that.

Speaker 2 (56:29):
I hope you don't sell yourself short because he has
an amazing mother. You do amazing stuff.

Speaker 3 (56:32):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (56:33):
You bust your ass. You are out there daily.

Speaker 1 (56:36):
People don't know this, So I mean you're you're working
in treatment, you work you know, uh for traemn, You're
you know, you oversee recovery Home.

Speaker 2 (56:43):
We talked briefly about that.

Speaker 1 (56:44):
But you're also out in the streets. You're out in
the streets still doing outreach. You're also giving your time
to different organizations to partner with them to ensure that
you're there if people need that help.

Speaker 2 (56:54):
And that's so important. So thank you for doing that.

Speaker 3 (56:56):
Thank you. So I'll make something one day, that is
to create something one day.

Speaker 1 (57:02):
You already are you already have you created a life
for yourself. Yeah, I think that's sometimes we forget that. Yeah,
it's no such yourself short.

Speaker 2 (57:10):
Once again, thank you, thank you. I mean this is amazing.

Speaker 1 (57:14):
I was really glad that you were able to do
this finally, that we are able to be able to
sit down and talk like this, because you know, we
don't get a chance to pel layers back like this sometimes.
So and congratulations on nine years. Thank you nine years.
I know it's crazy, isn't it.

Speaker 3 (57:28):
It's wild we get to live two different lives, you
know what I mean, Like, there's just and like I
said earlier, like I remember my first time in treatment,
I wanted to be who I was before, and you know,
the women in my life Neille taught me like, you're
going to recreate your life to be something better than
you've ever imagined. And that's exactly what it was. Like.

(57:48):
I don't want to go back to who I was before.

Speaker 1 (57:51):
I don't think people understand when we talk about going
and recovery, people are like, oh my gosh, you yourself.

Speaker 2 (57:56):
No we're not. No, we are something that was much
better than what we were. You know, we are a
person that we never.

Speaker 1 (58:02):
Met before, and it's a good place to be it
is and this is the problem to have, you know,
figuring that out, because it's a really good journey to
be on. And you know, people, if you ever need help,
but you ever need assistance, make sure you reach out.
Roquel is available out there. If you need information, always
reach out to me. Let me know I can pair
you up with Roquel. It's so important. Sometimes it's easier

(58:23):
to have, you know, women talk with women, and you
know I have you know, so my workforce people all
say you talk with Raquel because it works. But thank
you for doing the work to do. Thanks for showing
up today, and thank you so much for being a role.

Speaker 2 (58:36):
Model that you are. Thank you for all me you do.
I love you. Thank you my friend, you got that.

Speaker 3 (58:43):
You can do. Thank you.

Speaker 2 (58:45):
Yeah, and it works, It works well.

Speaker 3 (58:46):
Because that's how we met. It is you were dressed
the scene or canting today.

Speaker 1 (58:51):
Yeah, it's better than what I used to be dressed
out back in the day. I wonder i'd be standa
this time around.

Speaker 2 (58:58):
Yeah, a different story.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
But anyway, and everybody out there, remember there is hope.
We are two living examples. We are living proof that
recovery is possible, that you could take your worst part
of your life and make it better and come full
circle in life and still feel good about where you're at.
So whatever does you stand for everybody, make sure you'd
be a voice for that. I'm Brick Corporator with Socili Media.

(59:22):
Have a great rest of your day.