May 13, 2025 • 42 mins
In this deeply moving episode of Be A Voice, Philadelphia photographer Loren Berckey shares his personal journey through depression, the day he nearly ended his life on the Ben Franklin Bridge, and how he found the strength to keep going. Known for rarely leaving home without his camera, Loren opens up about losing — and rediscovering — his creative spark, the healing power of photography, and what it means to truly see life again. This episode is a testament to the courage it takes to ask for help and a reminder that recovery is possible. If you or someone you know is struggling, please know that you’re not alone. Help is available. Mental Health Resources: National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988 — available 24/7 Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741 NAMI HelpLine: Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or visit nami.org/help
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:22):
Welcome to be a voice. I'm Brick Carpenter in the
Sousula Media. Thanks for joining me today as we continue
on this season with our theme of switching gears. I've
really looked into a lot of my friends and colleagues
to see who has switched gears over the years and
how switching gears has affected them, maybe in positive, maybe
in negative, maybe for good, maybe for bad, maybe just
(00:44):
all around. But one of the guests that I really
was waiting to have on my show, not just this season,
but other seasons, and he sort of balked at it,
but not in a negative way, but in a way
of you never know what to expect when you do
a podcaster, when you get on a show. But I'm
really fortunate today because I have one of my friends
here today who has an incredible story, He has incredible attitude.
(01:08):
He professes to be from Wild Missing, but he's really
from reading. And I'm not going to even get into
that because I just you know, reading is reading. So
today's sitting here with one of the best photographers in Philadelphia.
Don't tell John Cruise. I said that because and one
of my good friends. To the other of you out
there in social Media Land. You know's PHOTOO. I know
(01:30):
him as my friend Lauren Burkey.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Hey, Lauren, heyre are you?
Speaker 1 (01:32):
I'm well, how are you good?
Speaker 3 (01:33):
And you are from reading?
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Outside of reading?
Speaker 3 (01:36):
You are from reading.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I lived in Mihnberg, Oh my gosh, where it smells
like shit or mushrooms, mushrooms. Yes, so you grew up
around the mushroom farm.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Yes, and you smell that your whole life.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I can, I can tune it out.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
But yeah, but is that something you're able to do,
because I'll tell you what.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
When I worked in Wile Missing, I would have to
drive through Murhlmberg every day from Alan Town and I
would hit the moon and I hit the mushroom farm,
especially on a hot day in the summery bam. I
mean it was sort of a urge tape. How did
you deal with that's?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I mean, after a while it just becomes, you know,
just another smell, crazy kind of like the subways down here,
you know, tune it out after a while.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, But the subways, though, they come with different smells.
It's not just one smell all the time. That's like
one that's like going to Kennet Square. That mushroom smell
you know, I just couldn't handle that.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
It just takes getting used to. I grew up my
first I think four years, I lived within a block
of like commercial train tracks, so like I can sleep
through a train going like right across the street. You
know that helped when I moved down and went to
live on that was rural, rural suburban ish for for
(02:55):
up there, it's rural. For Philly, rural.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Through or for reading why Philly out of all places?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
I mean, well, number one, you moved to Philly, right
from how long we been in Philly.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Twelve years?
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Twelve years? It's a long time, so you're a lifer.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Yeah. I finally started feeling like I'm from Philly like
a couple of years ago. Really, it took me a
while to like feel like I was from Philly.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Which is interesting because you, I mean by hotty and
by you know, a pleasure. You are a photographer, Yeah,
and you take amazing photography.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
You know, your photos is great. Your photos are great.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
You know you have a series now People of Philly
that you do, Yeah, that you show could so you've
been doing that for That's how I got to know
you through the photography. So, but why didn't you feel
like you were a part of Philly until just like
the past few years, because.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Very few people I ever met were from Philly. Everybody
seemed like they moved from somewhere else and they wanted
to they wanted to feel the Philly experience, you know,
like there's so much to do here.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Philly is very transient, very transient, you know, and there's
certain neighborhoods that are more transient than others, right, you know,
I think what happens is people move and they move
into those transient neighborhoods, because that's what happens in those neighborhoods.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Yeah, you know a lot of.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
People don't move into like really steadfast, like you know,
like years ago. Nobody is like, I'm moving to Bridesburg,
you know, I'm moving into you know, Queen Village or
South you know where that transient ass that can happen.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
You know, where was your first place you moved to
in Philly?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Broad im Porter you South Philly?
Speaker 2 (04:40):
South Philly. Yeah, I was to tell people not the
racist part of South Philly.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
There's a few of those.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
We can do that later.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
But yeah, the bank that I worked for back then
owned the whole building and I had. I had the
opportunity to look at one of the apartments, and then
I talked to my boss. I'm like, so if I
moved to Philly, can I keep my job out in
Chester County? And that's I just decided in two months
(05:09):
to upend my life and move down.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Moved down to Philly, and you were writing the whole time.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Yeah, born raised my whole life.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Yeah, what was that thing that you wanted to switch
gears to make that change?
Speaker 3 (05:21):
You weren't a comfort zone there.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I was. I was really comfortable. I was a medium
sized fish in a large pond up there. But I
wanted more out of life, like reading. A lot of
things back then closed up at like six o'clock, seven o'clock.
People could not wait to get out of reading before
the sun went down. My mother was one of them,
which is why I moved to reading, so that way
(05:43):
she wouldn't come visit me all the time. I wanted
more out of life, and I never had a bad
time in Philly, no matter what I was down here doing,
you know, running the streets or going to Phillies games,
you know. And ever since I moved down here, I
haven't regretted it. There have been good times, there have
(06:04):
been bad times, but I haven't regretted it once and
I still tell people that I love it more than
I hate it. So I still have a few years
left to live here. Once you started where you live,
it's time to go.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Absolutely that bitterness sets in and forget it, you know,
and you know, and writing. You know, like you said, you're
running the streets here and and you're openly part of
the LGBTQ plus community, you know, and and writing.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
That's sort of a hard life. It was.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It was okay when I first started going out.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
But because you went to the Scarab everybody, I mean.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Yeah, there were there were. There were a handful of
places up there. Like now from what I hear, there's
nothing there's you know, LGBT Nights and Alternative Lifetime. Yeah,
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
That was the Bar of Scab right.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
The Scaub, the Red Star.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
There was more than one out there.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Huh, yeah, there was. There was a lesbian bar for
a while, but only went there once and it.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Was I always found that Spaghetty night. I found it
out really interesting. Allentown had the same thing.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
They had, you know, the Stonewall and Candidas.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Yeah, and you know, and then later progressed the diamonds.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Yes, but like, how weird is that? You know, there
are still segregations of the bar.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
That happens down here though. There are people, I mean,
even though most most of the things are in the neighborhood,
there are people who will not leave you bar to
go to what used to be Taboo and now it's
two five four, But there are people who won't leave
Knock and go to you know, trying to get anybody
to go over to Stir from this side abroad And
(07:38):
it's very weird. Broad is a defining line.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
And you're out there. You like the clubs, don't you?
You like the bars?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I like, I like I like.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
The people that I've met at bars. That's some really
good friends right on.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Yeah, so you formed a good circle out here.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Yeah, it wasn't always easy for you, was it.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
No? Oh my god, no, because I'm very I mean,
this is very hard for me. But like I'm very shy,
and you know, as much as people tell me I'm not,
I'm like very introverted, and you know, it's not easy
for me to It's not easy for me to like
talk to somebody and you know, open up to them.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Do you think that what's what's what the camera does
for you a little bit? Because you really like taking
pictures of people? And I used to hate it, but
I never did. You were always trying at it, okay,
you know, And.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I want people to see that there's more to Philly
than just you know, the Rocky Steps and you know
the out of town out of towner is going down
to Chief Steak Corner and you know, so I'm just
taking random, random people, like on the streets or in
the parks, or like at the Mac Sabbath concert that
I was at on Friday. You know, I'm taking pictures,
(08:52):
take pictures of people.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
There were you on Friday?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Mac Sabbath. They are a Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath tribute bambit.
They dressed like McDonald land characters and all their songs
are about fast food and factory farming and capitalism.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
What Mac Sabbath? Yes, where the hell do you even
hear this band before?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I'm down here and down here in the city.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
Is this where they're from?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
No, they came through. I think they started like right
a couple of years before the pandemic. And I saw
them advertise them like this just looks twisted, and I
got a ticket and I went, and I have seen
them three times now.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
When you went, you knew what they were about.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I knew Sabbath, I knew it was I knew that
they played, you know, Sabbath music, but that they were,
you know, kind of goofy and dressed like I mean
the lead singers dressed like where did they play Donald McDonald?
They were at the Brooklyn Bowl this time?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Wow? Yeah, third time you saw them?
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:55):
You like shows? You love music?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
I love Yeah, I love music huge. You go to
shows by sell sometimes sometimes yeah, I mean if I
can't find anybody else, or you know, I come home
from work and I'm like, oh, let's see what you know,
let's see what Pearl Jam tickets are. You know, they're
cheaping up. I'm like, eh, what the hell, it's a good.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Thing to do.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
What made you pick up that camera though, That's what
I really want to know, Like when did you just
pick up the camera and why? Yeah, I'm going to
tell you why. I asked that only because I know
why I picked up a camera, and I know why
everybody else picks up a camera because they're escaping something
or they're trying to whatever what was yours.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I wanted to I wanted to remember moments and capture
moments because the first the first time I picked the
camera up as a hobby was on a trip from
Reading up to New York after September eleventh, And the
first picture I ever took as a hobby was before
(10:53):
they took down one of the last pieces of the
World Trade Center that was still still standing.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
So you've been doing for that long. Yeah, So when
you're out and reading, how difficult was it to shoot?
Like compared to here?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
It was a little harder, you know, But I mean
Reading has parks and they have the pagoda that everybody's pagodas,
and yeah, you know, I mean they have there's a
lot up there, but it's a much more car focused area.
And once once I move down here, like you know,
I mean right now, I move my car every two
weeks because where I park it has a sign that
(11:27):
says cars can't be there for longer than two weeks.
So every two weeks I move it, and then I
just go back to walking around and taking SEPTA and
complaining about Septa.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
It sucks excepta sucks right now, as you said, pos.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
But you're a walker.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Yeah, you love walking, I've i I I am amazed
some days at like how much you cover in this
city on an average? What what do you what your
daily walking on an average when you're out, when you're out.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Doing like the photo in walking because you're never home.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
No, ever since, ever since the pandemic, I have not
averaged less than eleven thousand steps a.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
Day, which takes you over five.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Miles probably about five, yeah, four or five miles?
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Which is it great? Yeah, it's a great thing.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
And plus you get out, it's experienced things and see things.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
My all time record was New York and DC on
back to back days and I walked twenty seven miles.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
And you do, like you like to get away for
your day trips, for overnight or whatever like that. You
do when you do, do you drive then or you
take public transportation or the train, bus, amtrak.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
I've taken meg I used to love Vegabus. I've heard
a lot of people hated Megabus. I loved it.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
No longer around is it no?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I think they got bought out by Peter Pan or
something like that. But I'll you know, I'll take a train.
I'll take a bus. I haven't seen one of them
in a while.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Trains easy, though, Yeah, trains easy.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
That's where you gotta go. So I'm gonna I'm gonna,
you know, I'm gonna switch gears here. I'm gonna go.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
It is something that I want to really talk about,
and I want to talk about. You know, you talked
about you're an introvert. Because you are, I will, I
will admit to that you really are. If we're having
an event or social gathering, I can pretty much, you know,
guarantee that when you were smoking cigarette, you' not smoking
cigarettes anymore?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Are you? Off and on? Off and on? Since the uh,
I haven't admitted that to almost anybody.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Did now and everybody heard it.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
He's back on the.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Way the election, I was smoking. I was smoke free
for fourteen months.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Fourteen months in the election to the election.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Just devastating.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Really, Yeah, so fourteen months you didn't have a cigarette
at all?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Were you vaping? No, not even a vape, nothing at all.
That first cigarette, how'd you feel?
Speaker 2 (13:49):
It felt so good? I mean, And that's why that's
why I like, I never judged, you know, I don't
judge anybody who has their own you know, substance use issues,
because that person, I mean, it was just as good
as it was when I was like smoking every day.
It was so good.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
Yeah, elapsed with the nicotine and that's all right, that happens.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
And you know you but you know what, right now,
in these crazy times and with the ship that's going
on in this world, it's okay. It could be worse.
It could be a lot worse. And you know, like
I was saying, because you are an introvert. I know
that I've seen you, and but you're an extrovert with
your friends and sometimes it's it's a total extreme.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Because once I get to know people, I'll just I
open up to them, you know.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And we have our group we've been we have our
group of friends that you know that knows you in
that aspect. But like you are also a person who.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Who deals with.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Sometimes maybe and I don't like, you know, mental health
in a different way. And you know you you've had
some not.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
So good experiences in Philly.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Yeah, and you've become actually a voice for that and
it took you a little bit of time to do that.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
But can you share with me that experience and what
the voice should become for.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
I mean it.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
It was hard that when I moved down here and
I started getting settled and everything, I felt like, Okay,
I have my life together. I lost my job. I
was you know, I've worked in banks most of my life,
so marketing is always the people to get laid.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Off first to go.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, and you know, I got laid off, started looking
for a job right away, and by the time my
severance ran out, still didn't find anything. By the time
my unemployment ran out, couldn't find a thing. And what
year is shit just got really dark for a while.
What year was this twenty twenty sixteen into seventeen, okay,
(15:50):
and you know, it was getting to the point that
like I was struggling. I was taking you know, I
was dog walking, and I was doing freelance photograph if
you work, just to pay my rent and to keep
the lights on. And it just started getting really really
hard for me to like, you know, see see past
(16:12):
all that, you know, and I ended up it was
probably a week before Christmas. I ended up up on
the brand Franklin Bridge and I was ready to jump,
and I was up there for like two hours and
then all of a sudden, it just in my head.
I just thought of I thought of three three of
my friends that I know would have been hurt, but
(16:34):
they would have been pissed if I did something like that,
and that just it didn't I mean, it's obviously it
stopped me, but it gave me enough time that I'm like,
maybe it's not as bad as it feels, you know.
I mean, it still sucked the next three months until
(16:57):
I actually had a job, But you know, I already thinking, Okay,
if these people care about me, why shouldn't I care
about me?
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Interesting?
Speaker 1 (17:08):
You know, really interesting.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
And it took me a few years to like let
anybody know that it was that bad, Like even even
my best friends didn't know what I had, what I
had wanted to do, you know.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
And thank you for sharing that because I know, but
it opens.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Up It lets other people want to share feelings when
they've done you know, they've had some mental health issues
or depression or you know, or suicidal thoughts. You know,
like it helps you to not feel alone that other
people who you might think have it together don't all
(17:51):
the time.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
You know, I always say, you know, you never know
what somebody's going through, right, you know, the facade is
really easy.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
The trick and full people. Yeah, that aesthetic is so easy.
I know that just as wells you know, to trick
and fool people. But you know, I mean as a.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Person who you know in college, you know, a suicide attempt,
you know, I planned it out, you know, I you know,
very well planned out what I was going to do
when I was going to do it, because you know,
that's you know. But of course it was foiled because
you know, my roommate walks in and you know, but
which you know, of course, But when you look at it,
you know, was it a planned thing for you? Did
(18:29):
you plan this that day or was it something that
you thought of prior to when your son going this day?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Was?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Was there? What was that that pinnacle where you were
like that's it?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
It was just days, days and days in a row
of just feeling empty and lost and there's no hope,
you know, and feeling hopeless, you know, and I just
woke up one day and I'm like, just mind bold,
you know, just might as well do it. You know.
(19:02):
It wasn't like I picked a specific day because it
had any meeting or anything like that, right you or not?
I just could not take it any more, like it
was to the point when I was when I was unemployed.
Sorry not a smoker's cough that when I was unemployed,
like I was out for so long, you know, and
(19:22):
I was worried about losing my apartment, and I never
want to have to go to somebody and be like,
I can't afford to live anywhere. Can I stay here?
I found at the Resource Exchange up in where's that
Fishtown or Northern Liberties, right, somebody had sold a whole
bunch of slides of their trip to Europe. And I
(19:45):
bought all those slides and I was gonna put them
together so I could post them on Instagram and just
tell everybody, you know, taking some time for me, I'm
going to go back back around Europe. And I was
just gonna, you know, basically ignore being homeless and just
let every rethink that I was, you know, having a
great time in Europe while I tried to get my
(20:05):
life together. So like it was, it was a really
hard time.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
That's really wild though, that you actually had to, like
you not that you had to, but actually you plan
that out, that you you looked ahead to like what
the worst case scenario, Well, all one of the worst
case scenarios could be, and how you were going to
shield that because your pride.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Mm hmm, oh, my pride is horrible, horrible thing.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
But you know, absolutely, was that the first time you
ever felt like you wanted to take your life?
Speaker 2 (20:38):
No, No, I felt that way. I often on when
I was a teenager, you know, like when I was
in high school. I thought about it a few times
back then. You know, after that, I don't know, I
don't know if I just I don't know if I
just drank my depression away because you know, I went
through I went through a weird time when I was
(21:00):
in my twenties and thirties, forties. Yeah, but you know,
it's it's something that was always there and I just
never I never tried to get treatment for my depression
or you know, and now now I'm on Trintellics and
I absolutely love it. What is it called trintelics?
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Tritellics?
Speaker 3 (21:23):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
It's anti depressant like anti anxiety, but there are no
sexual side effects.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yes, because you're a big I'm a big hoore bire, so.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
I would really say it, but you know, I was
waiting for you to do it. Because he is. He's
not lying. He is a big horn. Well, actually, I
would probably like it to the fact that he's not
a whore because they get paid.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
I'm having the time of my life as you should.
As you should, so basically you're promiscuous with a lot
of expen safely but with a lot of experience. Oh
my gosh, I don't even work this conversation right, and
we got to pull it back somewhere there.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
So do you?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
I mean there are mental health comes a lot with
you know, different aspects of life. I mean, being part
of an LGBTQ community, I know there's a lot of
mental health that goes along with that because of the
socially unaccepted, the pride of not telling people of certain things,
not being who you are.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
How old were you when you came out? Is that
the right word to use nowadays? Come out?
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I don't know, See I've never used that word because
you never did. I never came out. My my, I mean,
she knows it. My sister outed me to my parents
because she found a letter. I actually did come out
because I told one of my friends who lived in California.
She wrote me a letter. You know, she's all happy
for me all that stuff. My sister found this letter
(22:50):
while I was at work, told my parents, and you know,
I mean when you're you know, living at home, living
at home, you're twenty two, you know, and you come
home after a day and your parents are sitting there
in the TV room with the TV not on, and
then they start out with is there anything you want
to tell us? The answer is always going to be no.
(23:14):
I mean, I don't know what parent thinks. The kids
just gonna like fold right there and be like, yeah,
I did this and this. No, I'm like no nothing.
So and then when they found out, my mother kicked
me out. Really yep, I moved in with I moved
in with my father's aunt, who didn't ask questions, but
(23:37):
she didn't give a shit because she also she's she
was liberal enough. I think she used to think that
if the Catholic Church had a place for priests to
go to have their needs met, that would take care
of what they were doing, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
So she was a little she was a liberal or
little bit or flaky or both.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Yeah. And I lived with her for three weeks until
my mother said that not knowing what I was doing
was worse than knowing what I was doing.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Really yeah, and you went back home.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I moved back home and I was there for a
couple of three years.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
And your sister was living there too. How is that relationship?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Then? Her and I have never had a good relationship
after that. I mean, she's she's always been a very
jealous person, you know, and well, if he's getting this,
why am I not getting? You know?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
You know, so there's no love lost there sometimes no no.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Oh, her and I haven't even spoken in probably two
years now.
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Which makes a lot of sense, because you and I
were at a concert together.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Oh yeah, and she was there. She was there, was
my niece. The only reason that that she got acknowledged
as being there was because my niece was there.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Your niece and would talk about your niece because I
know you love to talk about her, and that's that's.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
She's graduating this Thursday from Jefferson University.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
From Jefferson you she's graduating.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
Graduating with her bachelor's and then I think in the
falls starting her masters.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
And will Uncle Lauren be there like with hours?
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Oh my god, yeah, I mean, this is this is
somebody that like that I'm gonna you know, you're extremely proud.
This is one person when you talk about you being
even your whole attitude right now changed.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
She's nothing. She's nothing like my family, and it just
it makes me very happy that you know, she's not like,
she's not gonna turn out like me or my sister.
She's gonna do better or go further.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
You know, that's awesome.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Yeah, can you believe she's graduating from college?
Speaker 1 (25:39):
No, because I've known you for almost ten years and
she was you know at that point, that was you know,
your little girl there.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
Oh my gosh. I have a picture at home. I
held her six hours after she was born, and you know,
it was it was a wonderful time, you know.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
So you know, and and that that that leads me
back to you know, when you're standing on that bridge
for two hours, it's a long time. What was going
through your head those two hours? You have your niece
that cared so much about and you know stuff, what
was you know, what was going honest?
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Like, I wasn't even that I wasn't even thinking about her.
I was. I thought about a little bit about my mother,
But you know, I was trying to figure out like
do I have do I have the nerve to do this,
and you know, I was in my head, I was like, Okay, well,
you know this will happen, They'll have a funeral everything,
(26:38):
you know. Like I was, I was playing the movie
out to the end, you know, and I'm like, there's
really nothing. There's really nothing stopping, you know. And it
was just it was a long two hours of like
looking inward and not not being happy with what I saw.
But then once I once I thought of Once I
(27:00):
thought of my friends, That's when I'm like, maybe this
isn't the right thing. You know.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
Were you in like the middle of the bridge, yeah,
and that little cutout area like that.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
No, I was like right on the right, on the right,
right in the smack in the middle.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
Right in the middle. And after you thought of your
friends and it was time, what did you do and
how did you feel?
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I still felt I still felt really like sad and
depressed and everything. But I like I got down off
of the railing and you were actually up on the railing. Yeah,
Like I pushed myself up on the railing. Yeah. I
was ready. I was ready to you were going, yeah,
And then I thought of them, and I just it
gave me enough time to like doubt what I was,
(27:46):
what I was going to do, and I just you know,
got down and stayed there, stayed there thinking and looking
around the city, and I'm like, oh ship, and then
I just started walking home. What time of the day
was this in the afternoon, so it was a cloud
a cloudy, crappy kind of December day.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Remember that.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
It took me. And as much as I love taking
pictures in this town, love my sunsets, and it took me, Oh,
I think like a year year and a half before
I would walk on that bridge again.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Did you have your camera with you that day, which
is really unusual because you very rarely will leave home
without the camera. Yeah, that's that's you know, the plumber
going with this equipment, you know, so you really went
with intent. Did you walk there from where you took?
I took the subway, you did?
Speaker 2 (28:46):
Yeah? I mean I used to used to take the
subway everywhere because I was a block off of the
Oregon Avenue steps.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
That's right, you were down there, You're on the parade route.
So well, I'm glad that you didn't do that. And
you know, I think there's a lot of other ip
ought there. The glad and those three friends. Did you
call them right away?
Speaker 2 (29:04):
Did you ever tell them eventually? I did eventually?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
How long did it take?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Oh? Years? Years?
Speaker 3 (29:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
But which it's you know, I started planning my next tattoo,
and they're going to be part of my next tattoo.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Can me tattoos?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
You have? Just just my Instagram logo Photolope.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
I remember you got that. That was like in two
thousand and when uh.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
I think it was twenty fifteen, fifteen, it was either
fifteen or sixteen, right before they told us what we
were getting, lad Off.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
I'm going to tell you how I know that because
it was right when I was coming out of my addiction,
because you were one of the photographers that I admired
the most out there. That was the work that you
were doing, the photo And I remember you got that tattoo.
I was like, what a radical like you got a tattoo.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Of his name? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (29:53):
I mean I pretty much got to ride this ride
a photolope till I died.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
Yeah, you better got.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
I got a big tattoo.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
Where did PHOTOO come from?
Speaker 2 (30:01):
When I was I always called it Bank school. They
sent me out to the University of Colorado, went Boulder
and I'd never heard of a jackalope before, and I
was like, this looks like just the most bizarre little thing,
and I loved it. And then I started thinking, you know,
that would be kind of cool, like a camera with
(30:23):
antlers and rabbit ears, and I just fell into photolope.
And I named myself Photolope on Instagram in two thousand
and two. So that's why if you ever see me
with a Phillies jersey that says Photolope. That's why the
number with it on it.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
Remember we were at the game.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
I had a picture of that, and it's interesting because
I never put it together with a jacolobe.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
But I don't ever ask you that question before.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
A lot of people, a lot of people don't.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
I knew there was antlers. I'm just trying to figure
out why because I figured it was Lauren, and I
just don't question it.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Right, he's probably some time, so what I.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Mean, I'm like, he's messed up with the hell. That's
why we're friend, right, you know?
Speaker 1 (31:02):
And Lauren like to be able to share that with me,
and to be able to share that knowing that there's
other people that are going to hear this. I mean,
you write about it every year. You have now taken
a sort of like I did with my yearly you know,
recovery date. You do it, and you are very vulnerable
and being very vulnerable in front of people you don't know.
And you have seven thousands, some almost eight thousands some followers.
(31:24):
You hit eight thousand.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Ye look at you. Shit, I hit a thousand like
last year. Instagram is like, I haven't grown at all.
I don't know what I don't know what they're doing,
but you know, yeah, look at you. I was gonna
start showing my ass like Kim Kardashian and next thing,
I'll have like ten million followers.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I don't know about that. You better get an OnlyFans account, right,
But you know, there, you you went through a lot,
You went through a lot of changes. You've went through
a few different You stuck it out here in Philly,
which most people would run, you know, when you lose job,
most people would run.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
You stuck it out.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
You spiraled, which is interesting to me because I didn't
know any of this and you and I were just
getting friendly then and you actually were walking dogs.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Then. Yeah, you know, now that you say it, that
was then.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
There's a lot of people that feel like you do
though you're you know, I don't want to sound like
you're not special, but you're not alone, I know.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
And that's that's one of the things that made me
want to be more open and tell people, even if
it's you know, once a year on my Instagram or
or on something like this. You know, when I found
when I was finally open, and I think I put
it up the first time. I was amazed the number
of people that I was friends or friendly with who
told me that they felt something very similar at one
(32:38):
point in their life. And you know, the more people
talk about something, whether it's you know, addiction or it's
depression or you know, suicidal thoughts, the more somebody else
is going to feel not that it's just me and
they're going through it alone, you know what I mean.
And the less alone own people feel, the better.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Absolutely. And I think loneliness is really what, you know,
destroys people.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
I mean, I'm I mean, it sounds really bizarre. I'm
I'm alone, but I am not lonely. I enjoy like
spending time with me, I enjoy spending time with my friends,
you know, But I don't I don't need I don't
need somebody else to enjoy my life.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
You have a balance.
Speaker 3 (33:27):
Yeah, that there's a healthy balance there. There really is,
and you have to have that.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
And that's so cool to you know, to people that
are out there that are you know, you know, still suffering.
I mean because you know, I hate to say that
you're not, because you still do We do. This is
this if you're on medication for it. This is something
that we deal with for our lives. You know, whether
it's addiction, whether it's mental health, depression, you know, whatever
it is. You know, before anybody gets to that point
(33:52):
where they walk that bridge and they hoist themselves up,
you know, what would you tell that person? What would
you what would you tell that Lauren back into twenty
sixteen as he was standing on that bridge.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Now, God, I think to be more open with the
people that were in my life. You know, there's always
you don't have to tell everybody, but there has to
be that one person who is like just your best friend.
Talk to that person, you know, to talk to your doctor.
(34:23):
You know, my doctor at the Mazzoni Center. I am
horribly open with him. You know, at some point, I
don't know, like I think he's entertained sometimes and then
other times I'm like, I know he's just gonna shake
his head as soon as I leave the room. But
be open with them.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
He's the one that we went through a couple of
different medications for my depression before we found the trintellics.
You know that worked for me and let me feel
the way I wanted to feel.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
And you're okay, Like, and it's funny because some people
are so against medics and med's work for you. They do,
and that's what's making you where you are now, the
happiness you have.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Yeah, I mean I still I still have days where
I'm like, I don't really feel like getting out of bed,
you know, but like it's it's not the way it
was back then. You know, it's not that feeling because
I know when that feeling is coming on. You know.
Speaker 3 (35:22):
Do you have that one person now that you talk
to if something gets that bad? You have that friend?
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Yeah, and you do have a couple of them. Yeah,
But you do open up now. Yes, you find yourself
in a different like plateau because of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
bring yourself closer to yourself and your friends. Isn't amazing
when you start to become honest with yourself and you
open up to yourself.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
That's that's a big thing, being honest with yourself.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
And it's really odd because you can be honest with
yourself because you know who you are, you know, because
it took you so long to you know, to your
sister out of you whatever. But yet then being honest
with yourself truly, like with who, what, what's going on
in your life, what's happening mentally? You know, it's okay
to not be okay. Yeah, and probably you know that
(36:06):
was something that you know, you dealt with because of
the pride.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Mm hmm, you know. I mean we never talked about
stuff like that in my family. You know, we never
never talked about anything.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
You know. Suck it up, butter Cup.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Yeah, you just gotta just gotta be honest with yourself.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
So other than the photography, because you are a weirdo.
If I'm sorry, you are.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
You really are, which is great.
Speaker 3 (36:31):
What else do you do other than the bars and
waring around?
Speaker 1 (36:34):
What do you do for fun?
Speaker 2 (36:36):
I will go I will go do the most touristy stuff.
I've been to almost every museum in Philly, you know,
I'll just I'll go out and I'll walk. I'll get
in the car.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
I decided I want to go see the sunset or
the sunrise down at the East Point Lighthouse down in Jersey,
you know, like I will just I do what I
want to do, go up to that Hindu shrine up
in a central Jersey.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I was going to say, that amazing, that's that looks great.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
I've also learned, don't go there in shorts because then
you have to wear like a long Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I like the soarrong. I wear one, and bali you kidding,
I'd wear one around here if I was allowed. If
I'm allowed to, but you know you're allowed to, I'll
be tripping over it. And it's just not you know,
I don't have per animal matching sarongs, you know. But
so you're okay going alone by yourself now you are,
you know, and and talking about this experience, you know,
and being able to open up to it. I mean,
you know you you you write it, but talking about it,
(37:33):
you're okay doing that too, getting there, getting there?
Speaker 3 (37:37):
Yeah, and that's all right.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
And you may not ever be fully there, but a
little by little at least you're talking about it. Yeah,
And like you said, your story is definitely going to
be something else's survival guide.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
I hope, I hope.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
So you know, so don't stop sharing.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
I mean, if it's not at least it was mine.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Yeah, But I think if you're telling me that other
people have reached out to you saying me too, yeah,
that that it is because it takes a lot for
somebody to be a voice. I mean, being a voice
is a hard thing to do because then you open
yourself up, the vulnerability sits in, and then all of
a sudden you're not that man you're supposed to be,
(38:14):
you know, and it's okay not to be that either.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
So I'm happy with im. I can look back and
tell that twenty sixteen, Lauren, I'm happy with the person
I am today, which is awesome, you know.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
As you should be, which is great. And I love
to hear that, I really do.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
You know, there's always never enough time sometimes in these
to like peel there's back. But I really really was
hoping that we could talk about this because to me
that's important.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
To me. That shows, you know, growth, and it shows
hope for others. I know we use that word a
lot with me, hope, but it does.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
It really does because that's what people need nowadays more
than anything, especially in today's society.
Speaker 3 (38:55):
Yes, you know. So you know if I had to
ask you, like, what would be like a mantra that
you would lead people with? What would it be?
Speaker 2 (39:07):
Oh my god, I have no idea. Probably the same.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
I mean, I don't know not what you would tell Lauren.
Speaker 3 (39:16):
What would you tell other people?
Speaker 2 (39:21):
You deserve it? I mean, whether that's good or bad?
You know, this is you get the life that you
create and deserve. And except for yourself, if you don't
like where you live, or your relationship with your family,
(39:42):
or your job or anything, it's you can change those things.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
And you just describe yourself in those three statements and
you have and so you deserve it.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
You're worth it.
Speaker 3 (39:54):
Yeah, It's one of those things. And I love that.
It's a really good place to stop. My friend, dude
was great.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
And I know how difficult this can be for you,
to like sit and talk like we can sit and
talk like this over food and in our group and
friends stuff like that. To sit and talk like this
and to know that other people are going to be
listening and tuning in and watching. You know that that
that speaks volumes for you, So I'm thrilled that and
honored that you.
Speaker 3 (40:19):
Sat here today.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
You know, put yourself out there more and we need
to hear the stories you really do.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
Well, try.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
I'll make you.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
But anyway, thanks again. I really appreciate you.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
I really do. Check out his social media social media
photo Lope photope l O p E on Instagram, Lauren
Burkey on Facebook.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
B E r c K.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Why e y?
Speaker 3 (40:46):
I always do that too.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
Nobody has ever spelled It's.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
So really weird because I always know it's e y,
but I think I have it in the phone. Is
why change that ship?
Speaker 2 (40:55):
And nobody ever spells the first one right either?
Speaker 1 (40:58):
And it's l o r e N. Yeah, it's l
o r E. And it's not Lauren, it's Lauren.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Yeah. I hardly ever on Facebook except to wish people
wish people happy birthday?
Speaker 3 (41:08):
Do you do that?
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (41:10):
You have to check to make sure that they wish
me a happy birthday first before I waste my fucking
timely joking, Lauren, but thank you so much, thanks for
sharing your story. Thanks for getting people hope. I mean,
that's what this is about. That's what this whole podcast
is about. It's about being a voice and you did
that today, so check them out for everybody else out there.
Thank you so much for joining me, Thanks for tuning in.
(41:30):
Thanks sure you follow Lauren out there, and whatever does
you stand for?
Speaker 3 (41:34):
Be a voice. This is Brick Carper and Usula Media.
I have a great miss Your name
Speaker 2 (42:00):
H
Welcome to be a voice. I'm Brick Carpenter in the
Sousula Media. Thanks for joining me today as we continue
on this season with our theme of switching gears. I've
really looked into a lot of my friends and colleagues
to see who has switched gears over the years and
how switching gears has affected them, maybe in positive, maybe
in negative, maybe for good, maybe for bad, maybe just
(00:44):
all around. But one of the guests that I really
was waiting to have on my show, not just this season,
but other seasons, and he sort of balked at it,
but not in a negative way, but in a way
of you never know what to expect when you do
a podcaster, when you get on a show. But I'm
really fortunate today because I have one of my friends
here today who has an incredible story, He has incredible attitude.
(01:08):
He professes to be from Wild Missing, but he's really
from reading. And I'm not going to even get into
that because I just you know, reading is reading. So
today's sitting here with one of the best photographers in Philadelphia.
Don't tell John Cruise. I said that because and one
of my good friends. To the other of you out
there in social Media Land. You know's PHOTOO. I know
(01:30):
him as my friend Lauren Burkey.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Hey, Lauren, heyre are you?
Speaker 1 (01:32):
I'm well, how are you good?
Speaker 3 (01:33):
And you are from reading?
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Outside of reading?
Speaker 3 (01:36):
You are from reading.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I lived in Mihnberg, Oh my gosh, where it smells
like shit or mushrooms, mushrooms. Yes, so you grew up
around the mushroom farm.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Yes, and you smell that your whole life.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
I can, I can tune it out.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
But yeah, but is that something you're able to do,
because I'll tell you what.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
When I worked in Wile Missing, I would have to
drive through Murhlmberg every day from Alan Town and I
would hit the moon and I hit the mushroom farm,
especially on a hot day in the summery bam. I
mean it was sort of a urge tape. How did
you deal with that's?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
I mean, after a while it just becomes, you know,
just another smell, crazy kind of like the subways down here,
you know, tune it out after a while.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, But the subways, though, they come with different smells.
It's not just one smell all the time. That's like
one that's like going to Kennet Square. That mushroom smell
you know, I just couldn't handle that.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
It just takes getting used to. I grew up my
first I think four years, I lived within a block
of like commercial train tracks, so like I can sleep
through a train going like right across the street. You
know that helped when I moved down and went to
live on that was rural, rural suburban ish for for
(02:55):
up there, it's rural. For Philly, rural.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Through or for reading why Philly out of all places?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
I mean, well, number one, you moved to Philly, right
from how long we been in Philly.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Twelve years?
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Twelve years? It's a long time, so you're a lifer.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Yeah. I finally started feeling like I'm from Philly like
a couple of years ago. Really, it took me a
while to like feel like I was from Philly.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Which is interesting because you, I mean by hotty and
by you know, a pleasure. You are a photographer, Yeah,
and you take amazing photography.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
You know, your photos is great. Your photos are great.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
You know you have a series now People of Philly
that you do, Yeah, that you show could so you've
been doing that for That's how I got to know
you through the photography. So, but why didn't you feel
like you were a part of Philly until just like
the past few years, because.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Very few people I ever met were from Philly. Everybody
seemed like they moved from somewhere else and they wanted
to they wanted to feel the Philly experience, you know,
like there's so much to do here.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Philly is very transient, very transient, you know, and there's
certain neighborhoods that are more transient than others, right, you know,
I think what happens is people move and they move
into those transient neighborhoods, because that's what happens in those neighborhoods.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Yeah, you know a lot of.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
People don't move into like really steadfast, like you know,
like years ago. Nobody is like, I'm moving to Bridesburg,
you know, I'm moving into you know, Queen Village or
South you know where that transient ass that can happen.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
You know, where was your first place you moved to
in Philly?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Broad im Porter you South Philly?
Speaker 2 (04:40):
South Philly. Yeah, I was to tell people not the
racist part of South Philly.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
There's a few of those.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
We can do that later.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
But yeah, the bank that I worked for back then
owned the whole building and I had. I had the
opportunity to look at one of the apartments, and then
I talked to my boss. I'm like, so if I
moved to Philly, can I keep my job out in
Chester County? And that's I just decided in two months
(05:09):
to upend my life and move down.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Moved down to Philly, and you were writing the whole time.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Yeah, born raised my whole life.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Yeah, what was that thing that you wanted to switch
gears to make that change?
Speaker 3 (05:21):
You weren't a comfort zone there.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
I was. I was really comfortable. I was a medium
sized fish in a large pond up there. But I
wanted more out of life, like reading. A lot of
things back then closed up at like six o'clock, seven o'clock.
People could not wait to get out of reading before
the sun went down. My mother was one of them,
which is why I moved to reading, so that way
(05:43):
she wouldn't come visit me all the time. I wanted
more out of life, and I never had a bad
time in Philly, no matter what I was down here doing,
you know, running the streets or going to Phillies games,
you know. And ever since I moved down here, I
haven't regretted it. There have been good times, there have
(06:04):
been bad times, but I haven't regretted it once and
I still tell people that I love it more than
I hate it. So I still have a few years
left to live here. Once you started where you live,
it's time to go.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Absolutely that bitterness sets in and forget it, you know,
and you know, and writing. You know, like you said, you're
running the streets here and and you're openly part of
the LGBTQ plus community, you know, and and writing.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
That's sort of a hard life. It was.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It was okay when I first started going out.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
But because you went to the Scarab everybody, I mean.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Yeah, there were there were. There were a handful of
places up there. Like now from what I hear, there's
nothing there's you know, LGBT Nights and Alternative Lifetime. Yeah,
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
That was the Bar of Scab right.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
The Scaub, the Red Star.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
There was more than one out there.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Huh, yeah, there was. There was a lesbian bar for
a while, but only went there once and it.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Was I always found that Spaghetty night. I found it
out really interesting. Allentown had the same thing.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
They had, you know, the Stonewall and Candidas.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Yeah, and you know, and then later progressed the diamonds.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Yes, but like, how weird is that? You know, there
are still segregations of the bar.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
That happens down here though. There are people, I mean,
even though most most of the things are in the neighborhood,
there are people who will not leave you bar to
go to what used to be Taboo and now it's
two five four, But there are people who won't leave
Knock and go to you know, trying to get anybody
to go over to Stir from this side abroad And
(07:38):
it's very weird. Broad is a defining line.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
And you're out there. You like the clubs, don't you?
You like the bars?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I like, I like I like.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
The people that I've met at bars. That's some really
good friends right on.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Yeah, so you formed a good circle out here.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Yeah, it wasn't always easy for you, was it.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
No? Oh my god, no, because I'm very I mean,
this is very hard for me. But like I'm very shy,
and you know, as much as people tell me I'm not,
I'm like very introverted, and you know, it's not easy
for me to It's not easy for me to like
talk to somebody and you know, open up to them.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Do you think that what's what's what the camera does
for you a little bit? Because you really like taking
pictures of people? And I used to hate it, but
I never did. You were always trying at it, okay,
you know, And.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I want people to see that there's more to Philly
than just you know, the Rocky Steps and you know
the out of town out of towner is going down
to Chief Steak Corner and you know, so I'm just
taking random, random people, like on the streets or in
the parks, or like at the Mac Sabbath concert that
I was at on Friday. You know, I'm taking pictures,
(08:52):
take pictures of people.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
There were you on Friday?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Mac Sabbath. They are a Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath tribute bambit.
They dressed like McDonald land characters and all their songs
are about fast food and factory farming and capitalism.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
What Mac Sabbath? Yes, where the hell do you even
hear this band before?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I'm down here and down here in the city.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
Is this where they're from?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
No, they came through. I think they started like right
a couple of years before the pandemic. And I saw
them advertise them like this just looks twisted, and I
got a ticket and I went, and I have seen
them three times now.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
When you went, you knew what they were about.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I knew Sabbath, I knew it was I knew that
they played, you know, Sabbath music, but that they were,
you know, kind of goofy and dressed like I mean
the lead singers dressed like where did they play Donald McDonald?
They were at the Brooklyn Bowl this time?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Wow? Yeah, third time you saw them?
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:55):
You like shows? You love music?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
I love Yeah, I love music huge. You go to
shows by sell sometimes sometimes yeah, I mean if I
can't find anybody else, or you know, I come home
from work and I'm like, oh, let's see what you know,
let's see what Pearl Jam tickets are. You know, they're
cheaping up. I'm like, eh, what the hell, it's a good.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
Thing to do.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
What made you pick up that camera though, That's what
I really want to know, Like when did you just
pick up the camera and why? Yeah, I'm going to
tell you why. I asked that only because I know
why I picked up a camera, and I know why
everybody else picks up a camera because they're escaping something
or they're trying to whatever what was yours.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I wanted to I wanted to remember moments and capture
moments because the first the first time I picked the
camera up as a hobby was on a trip from
Reading up to New York after September eleventh, And the
first picture I ever took as a hobby was before
(10:53):
they took down one of the last pieces of the
World Trade Center that was still still standing.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
So you've been doing for that long. Yeah, So when
you're out and reading, how difficult was it to shoot?
Like compared to here?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
It was a little harder, you know, But I mean
Reading has parks and they have the pagoda that everybody's pagodas,
and yeah, you know, I mean they have there's a
lot up there, but it's a much more car focused area.
And once once I move down here, like you know,
I mean right now, I move my car every two
weeks because where I park it has a sign that
(11:27):
says cars can't be there for longer than two weeks.
So every two weeks I move it, and then I
just go back to walking around and taking SEPTA and
complaining about Septa.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
It sucks excepta sucks right now, as you said, pos.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
But you're a walker.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Yeah, you love walking, I've i I I am amazed
some days at like how much you cover in this
city on an average? What what do you what your
daily walking on an average when you're out, when you're out.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Doing like the photo in walking because you're never home.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
No, ever since, ever since the pandemic, I have not
averaged less than eleven thousand steps a.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
Day, which takes you over five.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Miles probably about five, yeah, four or five miles?
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Which is it great? Yeah, it's a great thing.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
And plus you get out, it's experienced things and see things.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
My all time record was New York and DC on
back to back days and I walked twenty seven miles.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
And you do, like you like to get away for
your day trips, for overnight or whatever like that. You
do when you do, do you drive then or you
take public transportation or the train, bus, amtrak.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
I've taken meg I used to love Vegabus. I've heard
a lot of people hated Megabus. I loved it.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
No longer around is it no?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I think they got bought out by Peter Pan or
something like that. But I'll you know, I'll take a train.
I'll take a bus. I haven't seen one of them
in a while.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Trains easy, though, Yeah, trains easy.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
That's where you gotta go. So I'm gonna I'm gonna,
you know, I'm gonna switch gears here. I'm gonna go.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
It is something that I want to really talk about,
and I want to talk about. You know, you talked
about you're an introvert. Because you are, I will, I
will admit to that you really are. If we're having
an event or social gathering, I can pretty much, you know,
guarantee that when you were smoking cigarette, you' not smoking
cigarettes anymore?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Are you? Off and on? Off and on? Since the uh,
I haven't admitted that to almost anybody.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Did now and everybody heard it.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
He's back on the.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Way the election, I was smoking. I was smoke free
for fourteen months.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Fourteen months in the election to the election.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Just devastating.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Really, Yeah, so fourteen months you didn't have a cigarette
at all?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Were you vaping? No, not even a vape, nothing at all.
That first cigarette, how'd you feel?
Speaker 2 (13:49):
It felt so good? I mean, And that's why that's
why I like, I never judged, you know, I don't
judge anybody who has their own you know, substance use issues,
because that person, I mean, it was just as good
as it was when I was like smoking every day.
It was so good.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
Yeah, elapsed with the nicotine and that's all right, that happens.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
And you know you but you know what, right now,
in these crazy times and with the ship that's going
on in this world, it's okay. It could be worse.
It could be a lot worse. And you know, like
I was saying, because you are an introvert. I know
that I've seen you, and but you're an extrovert with
your friends and sometimes it's it's a total extreme.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Because once I get to know people, I'll just I
open up to them, you know.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And we have our group we've been we have our
group of friends that you know that knows you in
that aspect. But like you are also a person who.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Who deals with.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Sometimes maybe and I don't like, you know, mental health
in a different way. And you know you you've had
some not.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
So good experiences in Philly.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Yeah, and you've become actually a voice for that and
it took you a little bit of time to do that.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
But can you share with me that experience and what
the voice should become for.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
I mean it.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
It was hard that when I moved down here and
I started getting settled and everything, I felt like, Okay,
I have my life together. I lost my job. I
was you know, I've worked in banks most of my life,
so marketing is always the people to get laid.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Off first to go.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, and you know, I got laid off, started looking
for a job right away, and by the time my
severance ran out, still didn't find anything. By the time
my unemployment ran out, couldn't find a thing. And what
year is shit just got really dark for a while.
What year was this twenty twenty sixteen into seventeen, okay,
(15:50):
and you know, it was getting to the point that
like I was struggling. I was taking you know, I
was dog walking, and I was doing freelance photograph if
you work, just to pay my rent and to keep
the lights on. And it just started getting really really
hard for me to like, you know, see see past
(16:12):
all that, you know, and I ended up it was
probably a week before Christmas. I ended up up on
the brand Franklin Bridge and I was ready to jump,
and I was up there for like two hours and
then all of a sudden, it just in my head.
I just thought of I thought of three three of
my friends that I know would have been hurt, but
(16:34):
they would have been pissed if I did something like that,
and that just it didn't I mean, it's obviously it
stopped me, but it gave me enough time that I'm like,
maybe it's not as bad as it feels, you know.
I mean, it still sucked the next three months until
(16:57):
I actually had a job, But you know, I already thinking, Okay,
if these people care about me, why shouldn't I care
about me?
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Interesting?
Speaker 1 (17:08):
You know, really interesting.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
And it took me a few years to like let
anybody know that it was that bad, Like even even
my best friends didn't know what I had, what I
had wanted to do, you know.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
And thank you for sharing that because I know, but
it opens.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Up It lets other people want to share feelings when
they've done you know, they've had some mental health issues
or depression or you know, or suicidal thoughts. You know,
like it helps you to not feel alone that other
people who you might think have it together don't all
(17:51):
the time.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
You know, I always say, you know, you never know
what somebody's going through, right, you know, the facade is
really easy.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
The trick and full people. Yeah, that aesthetic is so easy.
I know that just as wells you know, to trick
and fool people. But you know, I mean as a.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Person who you know in college, you know, a suicide attempt,
you know, I planned it out, you know, I you know,
very well planned out what I was going to do
when I was going to do it, because you know,
that's you know. But of course it was foiled because
you know, my roommate walks in and you know, but
which you know, of course, But when you look at it,
you know, was it a planned thing for you? Did
(18:29):
you plan this that day or was it something that
you thought of prior to when your son going this day?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Was?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Was there? What was that that pinnacle where you were
like that's it?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
It was just days, days and days in a row
of just feeling empty and lost and there's no hope,
you know, and feeling hopeless, you know, and I just
woke up one day and I'm like, just mind bold,
you know, just might as well do it. You know.
(19:02):
It wasn't like I picked a specific day because it
had any meeting or anything like that, right you or not?
I just could not take it any more, like it
was to the point when I was when I was unemployed.
Sorry not a smoker's cough that when I was unemployed,
like I was out for so long, you know, and
(19:22):
I was worried about losing my apartment, and I never
want to have to go to somebody and be like,
I can't afford to live anywhere. Can I stay here?
I found at the Resource Exchange up in where's that
Fishtown or Northern Liberties, right, somebody had sold a whole
bunch of slides of their trip to Europe. And I
(19:45):
bought all those slides and I was gonna put them
together so I could post them on Instagram and just
tell everybody, you know, taking some time for me, I'm
going to go back back around Europe. And I was
just gonna, you know, basically ignore being homeless and just
let every rethink that I was, you know, having a
great time in Europe while I tried to get my
(20:05):
life together. So like it was, it was a really
hard time.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
That's really wild though, that you actually had to, like
you not that you had to, but actually you plan
that out, that you you looked ahead to like what
the worst case scenario, Well, all one of the worst
case scenarios could be, and how you were going to
shield that because your pride.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Mm hmm, oh, my pride is horrible, horrible thing.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
But you know, absolutely, was that the first time you
ever felt like you wanted to take your life?
Speaker 2 (20:38):
No, No, I felt that way. I often on when
I was a teenager, you know, like when I was
in high school. I thought about it a few times
back then. You know, after that, I don't know, I
don't know if I just I don't know if I
just drank my depression away because you know, I went
through I went through a weird time when I was
(21:00):
in my twenties and thirties, forties. Yeah, but you know,
it's it's something that was always there and I just
never I never tried to get treatment for my depression
or you know, and now now I'm on Trintellics and
I absolutely love it. What is it called trintelics?
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Tritellics?
Speaker 3 (21:23):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
It's anti depressant like anti anxiety, but there are no
sexual side effects.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yes, because you're a big I'm a big hoore bire, so.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
I would really say it, but you know, I was
waiting for you to do it. Because he is. He's
not lying. He is a big horn. Well, actually, I
would probably like it to the fact that he's not
a whore because they get paid.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
I'm having the time of my life as you should.
As you should, so basically you're promiscuous with a lot
of expen safely but with a lot of experience. Oh
my gosh, I don't even work this conversation right, and
we got to pull it back somewhere there.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
So do you?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
I mean there are mental health comes a lot with
you know, different aspects of life. I mean, being part
of an LGBTQ community, I know there's a lot of
mental health that goes along with that because of the
socially unaccepted, the pride of not telling people of certain things,
not being who you are.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
How old were you when you came out? Is that
the right word to use nowadays? Come out?
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I don't know, See I've never used that word because
you never did. I never came out. My my, I mean,
she knows it. My sister outed me to my parents
because she found a letter. I actually did come out
because I told one of my friends who lived in California.
She wrote me a letter. You know, she's all happy
for me all that stuff. My sister found this letter
(22:50):
while I was at work, told my parents, and you know,
I mean when you're you know, living at home, living
at home, you're twenty two, you know, and you come
home after a day and your parents are sitting there
in the TV room with the TV not on, and
then they start out with is there anything you want
to tell us? The answer is always going to be no.
(23:14):
I mean, I don't know what parent thinks. The kids
just gonna like fold right there and be like, yeah,
I did this and this. No, I'm like no nothing.
So and then when they found out, my mother kicked
me out. Really yep, I moved in with I moved
in with my father's aunt, who didn't ask questions, but
(23:37):
she didn't give a shit because she also she's she
was liberal enough. I think she used to think that
if the Catholic Church had a place for priests to
go to have their needs met, that would take care
of what they were doing, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
So she was a little she was a liberal or
little bit or flaky or both.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Yeah. And I lived with her for three weeks until
my mother said that not knowing what I was doing
was worse than knowing what I was doing.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Really yeah, and you went back home.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I moved back home and I was there for a
couple of three years.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
And your sister was living there too. How is that relationship?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Then? Her and I have never had a good relationship
after that. I mean, she's she's always been a very
jealous person, you know, and well, if he's getting this,
why am I not getting? You know?
Speaker 3 (24:29):
You know, so there's no love lost there sometimes no no.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Oh, her and I haven't even spoken in probably two
years now.
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Which makes a lot of sense, because you and I
were at a concert together.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Oh yeah, and she was there. She was there, was
my niece. The only reason that that she got acknowledged
as being there was because my niece was there.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Your niece and would talk about your niece because I
know you love to talk about her, and that's that's.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
She's graduating this Thursday from Jefferson University.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
From Jefferson you she's graduating.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
Graduating with her bachelor's and then I think in the
falls starting her masters.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
And will Uncle Lauren be there like with hours?
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Oh my god, yeah, I mean, this is this is
somebody that like that I'm gonna you know, you're extremely proud.
This is one person when you talk about you being
even your whole attitude right now changed.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
She's nothing. She's nothing like my family, and it just
it makes me very happy that you know, she's not like,
she's not gonna turn out like me or my sister.
She's gonna do better or go further.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
You know, that's awesome.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Yeah, can you believe she's graduating from college?
Speaker 1 (25:39):
No, because I've known you for almost ten years and
she was you know at that point, that was you know,
your little girl there.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
Oh my gosh. I have a picture at home. I
held her six hours after she was born, and you know,
it was it was a wonderful time, you know.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
So you know, and and that that that leads me
back to you know, when you're standing on that bridge
for two hours, it's a long time. What was going
through your head those two hours? You have your niece
that cared so much about and you know stuff, what
was you know, what was going honest?
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Like, I wasn't even that I wasn't even thinking about her.
I was. I thought about a little bit about my mother,
But you know, I was trying to figure out like
do I have do I have the nerve to do this,
and you know, I was in my head, I was like, Okay, well,
you know this will happen, They'll have a funeral everything,
(26:38):
you know. Like I was, I was playing the movie
out to the end, you know, and I'm like, there's
really nothing. There's really nothing stopping, you know. And it
was just it was a long two hours of like
looking inward and not not being happy with what I saw.
But then once I once I thought of Once I
(27:00):
thought of my friends, That's when I'm like, maybe this
isn't the right thing. You know.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
Were you in like the middle of the bridge, yeah,
and that little cutout area like that.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
No, I was like right on the right, on the right,
right in the smack in the middle.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
Right in the middle. And after you thought of your
friends and it was time, what did you do and
how did you feel?
Speaker 2 (27:23):
I still felt I still felt really like sad and
depressed and everything. But I like I got down off
of the railing and you were actually up on the railing. Yeah,
Like I pushed myself up on the railing. Yeah. I
was ready. I was ready to you were going, yeah,
And then I thought of them, and I just it
gave me enough time to like doubt what I was,
(27:46):
what I was going to do, and I just you know,
got down and stayed there, stayed there thinking and looking
around the city, and I'm like, oh ship, and then
I just started walking home. What time of the day
was this in the afternoon, so it was a cloud
a cloudy, crappy kind of December day.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Remember that.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
It took me. And as much as I love taking
pictures in this town, love my sunsets, and it took me, Oh,
I think like a year year and a half before
I would walk on that bridge again.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Did you have your camera with you that day, which
is really unusual because you very rarely will leave home
without the camera. Yeah, that's that's you know, the plumber
going with this equipment, you know, so you really went
with intent. Did you walk there from where you took?
I took the subway, you did?
Speaker 2 (28:46):
Yeah? I mean I used to used to take the
subway everywhere because I was a block off of the
Oregon Avenue steps.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
That's right, you were down there, You're on the parade route.
So well, I'm glad that you didn't do that. And
you know, I think there's a lot of other ip
ought there. The glad and those three friends. Did you
call them right away?
Speaker 2 (29:04):
Did you ever tell them eventually? I did eventually?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
How long did it take?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Oh? Years? Years?
Speaker 3 (29:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
But which it's you know, I started planning my next tattoo,
and they're going to be part of my next tattoo.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Can me tattoos?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
You have? Just just my Instagram logo Photolope.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
I remember you got that. That was like in two
thousand and when uh.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
I think it was twenty fifteen, fifteen, it was either
fifteen or sixteen, right before they told us what we
were getting, lad Off.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
I'm going to tell you how I know that because
it was right when I was coming out of my addiction,
because you were one of the photographers that I admired
the most out there. That was the work that you
were doing, the photo And I remember you got that tattoo.
I was like, what a radical like you got a tattoo.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
Of his name? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (29:53):
I mean I pretty much got to ride this ride
a photolope till I died.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
Yeah, you better got.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
I got a big tattoo.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
Where did PHOTOO come from?
Speaker 2 (30:01):
When I was I always called it Bank school. They
sent me out to the University of Colorado, went Boulder
and I'd never heard of a jackalope before, and I
was like, this looks like just the most bizarre little thing,
and I loved it. And then I started thinking, you know,
that would be kind of cool, like a camera with
(30:23):
antlers and rabbit ears, and I just fell into photolope.
And I named myself Photolope on Instagram in two thousand
and two. So that's why if you ever see me
with a Phillies jersey that says Photolope. That's why the
number with it on it.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
Remember we were at the game.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
I had a picture of that, and it's interesting because
I never put it together with a jacolobe.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
But I don't ever ask you that question before.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
A lot of people, a lot of people don't.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
I knew there was antlers. I'm just trying to figure
out why because I figured it was Lauren, and I
just don't question it.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Right, he's probably some time, so what I.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Mean, I'm like, he's messed up with the hell. That's
why we're friend, right, you know?
Speaker 1 (31:02):
And Lauren like to be able to share that with me,
and to be able to share that knowing that there's
other people that are going to hear this. I mean,
you write about it every year. You have now taken
a sort of like I did with my yearly you know,
recovery date. You do it, and you are very vulnerable
and being very vulnerable in front of people you don't know.
And you have seven thousands, some almost eight thousands some followers.
(31:24):
You hit eight thousand.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Ye look at you. Shit, I hit a thousand like
last year. Instagram is like, I haven't grown at all.
I don't know what I don't know what they're doing,
but you know, yeah, look at you. I was gonna
start showing my ass like Kim Kardashian and next thing,
I'll have like ten million followers.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I don't know about that. You better get an OnlyFans account, right,
But you know, there, you you went through a lot,
You went through a lot of changes. You've went through
a few different You stuck it out here in Philly,
which most people would run, you know, when you lose job,
most people would run.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
You stuck it out.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
You spiraled, which is interesting to me because I didn't
know any of this and you and I were just
getting friendly then and you actually were walking dogs.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Then. Yeah, you know, now that you say it, that
was then.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
There's a lot of people that feel like you do
though you're you know, I don't want to sound like
you're not special, but you're not alone, I know.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
And that's that's one of the things that made me
want to be more open and tell people, even if
it's you know, once a year on my Instagram or
or on something like this. You know, when I found
when I was finally open, and I think I put
it up the first time. I was amazed the number
of people that I was friends or friendly with who
told me that they felt something very similar at one
(32:38):
point in their life. And you know, the more people
talk about something, whether it's you know, addiction or it's
depression or you know, suicidal thoughts, the more somebody else
is going to feel not that it's just me and
they're going through it alone, you know what I mean.
And the less alone own people feel, the better.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Absolutely. And I think loneliness is really what, you know,
destroys people.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
I mean, I'm I mean, it sounds really bizarre. I'm
I'm alone, but I am not lonely. I enjoy like
spending time with me, I enjoy spending time with my friends,
you know, But I don't I don't need I don't
need somebody else to enjoy my life.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
You have a balance.
Speaker 3 (33:27):
Yeah, that there's a healthy balance there. There really is,
and you have to have that.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
And that's so cool to you know, to people that
are out there that are you know, you know, still suffering.
I mean because you know, I hate to say that
you're not, because you still do We do. This is
this if you're on medication for it. This is something
that we deal with for our lives. You know, whether
it's addiction, whether it's mental health, depression, you know, whatever
it is. You know, before anybody gets to that point
(33:52):
where they walk that bridge and they hoist themselves up,
you know, what would you tell that person? What would
you what would you tell that Lauren back into twenty
sixteen as he was standing on that bridge.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Now, God, I think to be more open with the
people that were in my life. You know, there's always
you don't have to tell everybody, but there has to
be that one person who is like just your best friend.
Talk to that person, you know, to talk to your doctor.
(34:23):
You know, my doctor at the Mazzoni Center. I am
horribly open with him. You know, at some point, I
don't know, like I think he's entertained sometimes and then
other times I'm like, I know he's just gonna shake
his head as soon as I leave the room. But
be open with them.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
You know.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
He's the one that we went through a couple of
different medications for my depression before we found the trintellics.
You know that worked for me and let me feel
the way I wanted to feel.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
And you're okay, Like, and it's funny because some people
are so against medics and med's work for you. They do,
and that's what's making you where you are now, the
happiness you have.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Yeah, I mean I still I still have days where
I'm like, I don't really feel like getting out of bed,
you know, but like it's it's not the way it
was back then. You know, it's not that feeling because
I know when that feeling is coming on. You know.
Speaker 3 (35:22):
Do you have that one person now that you talk
to if something gets that bad? You have that friend?
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Yeah, and you do have a couple of them. Yeah,
But you do open up now. Yes, you find yourself
in a different like plateau because of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
bring yourself closer to yourself and your friends. Isn't amazing
when you start to become honest with yourself and you
open up to yourself.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
That's that's a big thing, being honest with yourself.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
And it's really odd because you can be honest with
yourself because you know who you are, you know, because
it took you so long to you know, to your
sister out of you whatever. But yet then being honest
with yourself truly, like with who, what, what's going on
in your life, what's happening mentally? You know, it's okay
to not be okay. Yeah, and probably you know that
(36:06):
was something that you know, you dealt with because of
the pride.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Mm hmm, you know. I mean we never talked about
stuff like that in my family. You know, we never
never talked about anything.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
You know. Suck it up, butter Cup.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Yeah, you just gotta just gotta be honest with yourself.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
So other than the photography, because you are a weirdo.
If I'm sorry, you are.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
You really are, which is great.
Speaker 3 (36:31):
What else do you do other than the bars and
waring around?
Speaker 1 (36:34):
What do you do for fun?
Speaker 2 (36:36):
I will go I will go do the most touristy stuff.
I've been to almost every museum in Philly, you know,
I'll just I'll go out and I'll walk. I'll get
in the car.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
I decided I want to go see the sunset or
the sunrise down at the East Point Lighthouse down in Jersey,
you know, like I will just I do what I
want to do, go up to that Hindu shrine up
in a central Jersey.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I was going to say, that amazing, that's that looks great.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
I've also learned, don't go there in shorts because then
you have to wear like a long Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I like the soarrong. I wear one, and bali you kidding,
I'd wear one around here if I was allowed. If
I'm allowed to, but you know you're allowed to, I'll
be tripping over it. And it's just not you know,
I don't have per animal matching sarongs, you know. But
so you're okay going alone by yourself now you are,
you know, and and talking about this experience, you know,
and being able to open up to it. I mean,
you know you you you write it, but talking about it,
(37:33):
you're okay doing that too, getting there, getting there?
Speaker 3 (37:37):
Yeah, and that's all right.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
And you may not ever be fully there, but a
little by little at least you're talking about it. Yeah,
And like you said, your story is definitely going to
be something else's survival guide.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
I hope, I hope.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
So you know, so don't stop sharing.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
I mean, if it's not at least it was mine.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Yeah, But I think if you're telling me that other
people have reached out to you saying me too, yeah,
that that it is because it takes a lot for
somebody to be a voice. I mean, being a voice
is a hard thing to do because then you open
yourself up, the vulnerability sits in, and then all of
a sudden you're not that man you're supposed to be,
(38:14):
you know, and it's okay not to be that either.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
So I'm happy with im. I can look back and
tell that twenty sixteen, Lauren, I'm happy with the person
I am today, which is awesome, you know.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
As you should be, which is great. And I love
to hear that, I really do.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
You know, there's always never enough time sometimes in these
to like peel there's back. But I really really was
hoping that we could talk about this because to me
that's important.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
To me. That shows, you know, growth, and it shows
hope for others. I know we use that word a
lot with me, hope, but it does.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
It really does because that's what people need nowadays more
than anything, especially in today's society.
Speaker 3 (38:55):
Yes, you know. So you know if I had to
ask you, like, what would be like a mantra that
you would lead people with? What would it be?
Speaker 2 (39:07):
Oh my god, I have no idea. Probably the same.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
I mean, I don't know not what you would tell Lauren.
Speaker 3 (39:16):
What would you tell other people?
Speaker 2 (39:21):
You deserve it? I mean, whether that's good or bad?
You know, this is you get the life that you
create and deserve. And except for yourself, if you don't
like where you live, or your relationship with your family,
(39:42):
or your job or anything, it's you can change those things.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
And you just describe yourself in those three statements and
you have and so you deserve it.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
You're worth it.
Speaker 3 (39:54):
Yeah, It's one of those things. And I love that.
It's a really good place to stop. My friend, dude
was great.
Speaker 1 (40:00):
And I know how difficult this can be for you,
to like sit and talk like we can sit and
talk like this over food and in our group and
friends stuff like that. To sit and talk like this
and to know that other people are going to be
listening and tuning in and watching. You know that that
that speaks volumes for you, So I'm thrilled that and
honored that you.
Speaker 3 (40:19):
Sat here today.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
You know, put yourself out there more and we need
to hear the stories you really do.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
Well, try.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
I'll make you.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
But anyway, thanks again. I really appreciate you.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
I really do. Check out his social media social media
photo Lope photope l O p E on Instagram, Lauren
Burkey on Facebook.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
B E r c K.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Why e y?
Speaker 3 (40:46):
I always do that too.
Speaker 1 (40:47):
Nobody has ever spelled It's.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
So really weird because I always know it's e y,
but I think I have it in the phone. Is
why change that ship?
Speaker 2 (40:55):
And nobody ever spells the first one right either?
Speaker 1 (40:58):
And it's l o r e N. Yeah, it's l
o r E. And it's not Lauren, it's Lauren.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
Yeah. I hardly ever on Facebook except to wish people
wish people happy birthday?
Speaker 3 (41:08):
Do you do that?
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (41:10):
You have to check to make sure that they wish
me a happy birthday first before I waste my fucking
timely joking, Lauren, but thank you so much, thanks for
sharing your story. Thanks for getting people hope. I mean,
that's what this is about. That's what this whole podcast
is about. It's about being a voice and you did
that today, so check them out for everybody else out there.
Thank you so much for joining me, Thanks for tuning in.
(41:30):
Thanks sure you follow Lauren out there, and whatever does
you stand for?
Speaker 3 (41:34):
Be a voice. This is Brick Carper and Usula Media.
I have a great miss Your name
Speaker 2 (42:00):
H
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