Escaping DEA investigation, Overcoming m*th addiction, and finding healing in Sin City

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Isn't Mike close enough?

Speaker 2 (00:01):
Yeah, you're good, You're good.

Speaker 1 (00:04):
I'm actually asking to stop.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
I'm about to kill it.

Speaker 3 (00:09):
Let's get it. No pressure, okay, asking it not at all.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
One thing I've noticed, and you know, the tattoo shops,
there's always interesting combos you know, going on there.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
We get into everything.

Speaker 4 (00:19):
Yeah, it's it's every I mean, you're you're a barber,
you know.

Speaker 3 (00:23):
Yeah, but I feel like conversation taturs can go a
little like in a tattoo shop, can go a little
further where.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
It's like, oh yeah, no boundaries.

Speaker 3 (00:30):
Yeah yeah, yeah, which I think is cool because that's
really how you get those persons.

Speaker 1 (00:33):
It's more than skin deep.

Speaker 2 (00:34):
Yeah yeah yeah.

Speaker 3 (00:36):
But for this, we want to take you like from
the beginning. You know, I just we just met you downstairs,
you know, with your husband. It was it was, you know,
we're face full of burger. Yeah, but no, it's just
like from the beginning, like your entire journey, and then
like up until now, because I would think all of
us here, you know, would say you're like extremely successful,
obviously beyond talented. But yeah, I just it's for me,

(00:56):
like all I just start from the beginning. So downtay
as you said you're from from Canada.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yeah, I was originally born in Calgary, Alberta. I became
a citizen of the United States when I was like
seven or eight. Okay, my mom married someone in the
Air Force and they met online.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
And wow, you know your hold on.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
I am half white.

Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
My cousin kind of looks like you're actually.

Speaker 4 (01:31):
Your watch.

Speaker 2 (01:32):
We're like six cousins or something.

Speaker 1 (01:34):
Yeah, we could be ship oh ship related.

Speaker 2 (01:40):
What's that you called ancestry dot com or something. We
gotta gotta do some.

Speaker 1 (01:44):
What type of are you so?

Speaker 2 (01:48):
I'm not white?

Speaker 4 (01:49):
I'm ten?

Speaker 2 (01:50):
Yeah, No, my my my mom's white white, she's like
German Norwegian. My my dad is and Native American.

Speaker 1 (02:01):
My mom is Ukrainian Native Americans, so we probably are related.

Speaker 3 (02:05):
Crazy.

Speaker 4 (02:06):
Yeah, that's crazy. Okay.

Speaker 2 (02:07):
The one thing that stuck out to me though, is
you said you said your your mom met your your
dad online, our stepdad online dating. Yeah, that's okay, that's
that was the thing. Like, Okay, I didn't know online
dating existed back then.

Speaker 3 (02:22):
I think it did.

Speaker 1 (02:23):
I don't. Okay, so very tumultuous, I'll touch on it
very slightly, but I don't think my mom is supposed
to be online. And my mom said that my grandma
found this dude for her, and god, so I don't know. Yeah,

(02:43):
my grandma's crazy. She's she's recovering alcoholic. You don't always
know if she's her recovery or not.

Speaker 2 (02:54):
She's a little tipsy that day.

Speaker 1 (02:55):
Yeah, she you know, she's like Ukrainian, blonde hair, blue eyes,
speaks to Ukrainian like, cooks amazing, but she's off her
fucking rocker.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
So yeah, it's something like that. That gist was that
she found him and then they started talking, and then yeah,
I met him shortly after they started dating, and we
moved to Montana.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
Okay, okay, So, and this might be too deep, feel
free to not answer if you'd like. But so you
said your stepdad, do you know your real dad?

Speaker 1 (03:26):
Yes? Okay, he is my rock, He is my everything.
He's from Saint Lucia, so he moved to Canada when
he was eight with his siblings and my grandma. So yeah,
originally he was born in Saint Lucia, moved to Canada.
And yeah, he's he's my best friend's awesome. I go

(03:48):
to him for absolutely everything. Yeah, call him like six
times a day. He tells me to call him on
the weekends. I tell him, no, I'm going to call
him again later. I go to him for everything. But
I wasn't raised with him the whole time. I lived
with my mom okay most of my life, and then
move back in with my dad in high school.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
Okay, so it was like for you know, up until
high school, you your dad was kind of out of
the picture. No, okay, no, they.

Speaker 3 (04:14):
Just just the parents.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
Just my parents were split up, like when my mom
and my stepdad. That's kind of where the most distance
was where I stopped him on the phone because we
ended up moving to Japan. So yeah, so all this is.

Speaker 5 (04:28):
Before you're even like okay, wow, okay here.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
So we start in Canada and then we go to Montana,
which maybeing from Montana like less.

Speaker 1 (04:36):
Than a year I think, or like a year we
were in Montana.

Speaker 2 (04:38):
Okay, finish Great Falls Okay, yep, air Force base there.

Speaker 1 (04:43):
Yes, And it's a weird ass fucking name. It's like
it reminds me of a thunderbolt.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
But it's not Great Falls.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
Wasn't it wasn't uh yeah, Great Falls, but the name
of the air Force Base is some weird ass name.
When I was a kid and I was like what
is that?

Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, okay, so talk about going to Japan, Like did
you remember much of that?

Speaker 1 (05:05):
Absolutely?

Speaker 3 (05:07):
Japan.

Speaker 1 (05:07):
I was from fourth grade to seventh grade or like
right before eighth grade.

Speaker 3 (05:13):
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:13):
So I live in Okinawa. I it's like all the
places you live when you're moved around, because I was
moved around a lot, even before we went to into
the military. But Japan was amazing. Like my mom told
us before we moved, like be careful, you know. We
think of it more so like like you think of

(05:35):
overseas like China or Asia that it's very populated and
you have to be careful with like just like like
losing us because of how many people are there. Like
that's what we think when we think of Asia.

Speaker 4 (05:48):
Yeah right, yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
But we get to Okinawa and it's like it's like
a different side of Japan that a lot of people
don't know. It's like they're their own people, like yes,
they're Japanese, but it's like it's like Hawaii and and America,
Like they're not American, they're Hawaiian, but they are you
know what. So I was beautiful It's one of my

(06:09):
favorite places to be. We're on the beach like every day,
Like the food's amazing, that people are so kind.

Speaker 2 (06:16):
What was from like a language barrier perspective? Like how
was that?

Speaker 1 (06:22):
There was definitely a language barrier. But I was in
Japanese immersion for four years, but I didn't learn ship.
That's how hard how hard it is to learn Japanese,
Like I there's a song that I remember and a
couple of characters that you learn. But I believe, if
I'm correct, you learn the Japanese characters until college. So

(06:43):
they say, like only old people can read a newspaper
front to back because that's how complex the symbols get.
So it's it's very hard.

Speaker 3 (06:53):
Never done learning then, yeah, language, could you imagine that?

Speaker 2 (06:56):
Bro? That's crazy?

Speaker 1 (06:58):
It was. It was crazy. But we went to like
on tons of field trips and stuff and it was amazing.
I love I love Okay. Now I want to take
my kids there one day. I want them to see
how I lived for you know, a while, because it
becomes a part of who you are, Like I'm not
when people ask me where I'm from, it's hard to
say because, for one, I don't like my like where
I was born. There's a lot of trauma that happened

(07:20):
when I was a kid there and moving around so
much because like I said, I moved everywhere within Calgary.
My mom moved a lot. So it's like I just
like a worldly, worldly child. Take like, as you grow,
these things become a part of you, and then you don't.

Speaker 2 (07:39):
I think to like from one place. Yeah, And I
think like when you're young too, is like you're just
you're You're trying to You're trying to be accepted. You're
trying to find like your friends, your group of people,
like you know, just that that click of you know,
that that friendship, that bond, you know, like you really
long for that, especially when you're a kid.

Speaker 1 (07:56):
So yeah, and I was bullied, so I for the
sense of belonging was within me for a long time.
I just turned thirty, so yeah, like literally I'm just
on learning that now. Yeah, trying to fit in and
I like, if you see the way, look, I don't
fit in at all.

Speaker 4 (08:10):
Yeah you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (08:11):
So like I worked really hard for a long time
to try to fit in, but I never have and
I don't think I'm meant to.

Speaker 3 (08:16):
But I was just gonna say, I think that's also
a little bit of a superpower that maybe you learn
when you're older. Yeah, that it's like, you know, you
kind of like from a young age learn how to
navigate kind of by yourself. And it's uncomfortable. Yeah, but
like somebody right now that hasn't had that, if you
like strip everything from them and it's just like you
move somewhere else, like they're gonna crack, you know what.

Speaker 1 (08:35):
Yeah, you gain resilience exactly, absolutely, And I believe it's important.
It's okay if you don't travel, but it's important for
people to travel because being worldly teaches you so many things. Yeah,
and kind of the background that I came from, yeah.

Speaker 2 (08:51):
You said, and feel free to dive in as deep
as you want here. But you said, you know, growing
up in Canada, you know, you were bullied a lot,
just a little bit of a a rough upbringing. You
wanted to you want to share anything more about that.

Speaker 1 (09:04):
So it wasn't a rough upbringing financially, but it was
a rough upbringing, like emotionally. I asked my mom if
I could talk about this. She said yes. So my
mom was a sex worker for a while okay, so,
and she hid it from us for a long time.
I didn't find out until I was in my twenties.
But it made sense because a lot of like her

(09:26):
best friends that were like my aunties or my cousins.
We were actually related, but they were my aunties and
my cousins, and I don't know how you know what
I mean, but like a lot of her friends had
passed away over the years, and like there they had
kids my age, and they would stop talking to their

(09:46):
moms eventually, and like my sister's best friend like stop,
you know, it's a small world. Our friends parents, some
of them didn't like talking to us or my mom
because of who my mom was, and we didn't we
didn't understand her.

Speaker 2 (10:05):
And you guys did and you guys didn't know because
you were clueless. Yes, but they knew and you didn't.

Speaker 3 (10:10):
Yes, And nobody ever like told like would like try
like try to tell you that.

Speaker 1 (10:17):
No, actually my one of my best friends. So it's
like such a kafuffle of shit that I learned way later.
But my best friend that I met in like seventh
or eighth grade, No, No, it was in when I
moved back to Canada, So it was in like ninth
or tenth grade. Her mom actually knew my mom because

(10:41):
my mom dated her, my best friend's half sister. I
have baby pictures with her half sister, and we didn't
even know that we were that closely related. But her
mom didn't like my mom because of what she did,
and she told my best friend in high school, don't
tell Sydney. But her mom never knew who her dad was.

(11:04):
And I just learned this like last year. My dad
told me. But I looked just like my dad. So
I'm taking that to like, yeah, yeah, but you yea yours,
Like I don't want to shoot on my mom. I
love her to death. But because of the way we
were brought up, even though we didn't know that, we

(11:26):
were exposed to a lot of things that a lot
of people aren't. And it's more mental, like being in
safer environments or around people, you know what I mean.
Like it's it's very hard to explain, but it's it's
like my dad worked his ass off to give us everything.
Like our fridge was always full. We moved around a lot,

(11:48):
like my parents broke up a lot, but we had
what we needed. We had clothes on her back, we had,
you know, everything we wanted, but the tumultuous, like toxic
side still was in the family.

Speaker 2 (12:01):
Was And this could be a loaded question, but do
you feel that the reason why your your mom and
dad did go separate ways was because your mom's line
of work.

Speaker 1 (12:11):
Absolutely? Yeah, Like my dad will never go into it
because he's protecting me from what he knows.

Speaker 3 (12:22):
Interesting.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
He will always make her not look bad, ye, because
you will always have love for her. You know, she
tried her best, you know what I mean. I'm not
shooting on sex workers like she loved us. We were.

Speaker 3 (12:37):
I'm sorry, but.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
That's yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:43):
Yeah, Like what do you.

Speaker 3 (12:48):
Like she has?

Speaker 1 (12:51):
I can derail myself like this.

Speaker 3 (12:54):
I was just gonna ask, Like you said, you learned
what you learned that when you were like.

Speaker 1 (12:57):
Twenty Yeah, when I was pregnant with my second daughter,
I was twenty one, So it blew my fucking mind
even at twenty month.

Speaker 3 (13:03):
Did you did that change how you felt about you
in the middle, Yes, in one way, if you want
me asking.

Speaker 1 (13:14):
I didn't like being lied to or maybe she was
trying to protect us, but for me it felt like
we were lied to.

Speaker 2 (13:21):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (13:21):
Sure, and me and my mom haven't always talked. I
just started talking to her again recently, so we have
an extrange relationship.

Speaker 3 (13:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:29):
Yeah, we were really close, but there's a lot of
toxic parts to our relationship, so a separation was necessary
for me to continue growth in my adult.

Speaker 3 (13:40):
Are you in therapy?

Speaker 1 (13:42):
I was for four years. Yeah, for a long time.

Speaker 3 (13:44):
Good.

Speaker 1 (13:44):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (13:45):
Yeah, advocate, Yeah, that's it's I.

Speaker 1 (13:48):
Think it's important. I need to go back.

Speaker 5 (13:49):
Well, it's really good.

Speaker 2 (13:51):
We'll have to chat more like off camera on the podcast.
But what you essentially are talking about the same thing
pretty much happened with me, but with my dad. Yeah,
so like my my my dad wasn't a sex sex worker,
but essentially my mom for many many years covered up
what my dad was all doing. So so my so

(14:16):
I started finding stuff out when I was in a
in like high school, and then by the time I
was in like like senior year of high school, that's
when he was like suicidal. He was, you know, super
deep into the drugs he and he unfortunately got to

(14:37):
the point where he was not only using a large
amount of drugs, but he was moving drugs as well.
So it's it's it's a little bit different.

Speaker 1 (14:45):
Scenario affect you because of who exactly what they deal
with and how.

Speaker 2 (14:50):
You And just as you said you had to distance yourself,
you had to distanced it yourself from your from your
mom in order to heal. I did the exact same
thing with my dad. I didn't I didn't speak to
him for seven years and we speak today. But it's
it's like it's one of those things. And I think
you can probably relate to this is as you get

(15:13):
older and you you just things, things just get more like, okay,
that's what happened, Like it's in the past. Now you
start to become more just it's it's about peace. I
guess that's what I'm trying to get at. Is like
I was. I just had a podcast with one a
friend of my another day, and I pretty much told him,
I said, you know, if my dad passes tomorrow, I'm okay.

(15:36):
And the reason for that is because I'm at peace
with the situation. Like I hate this man's guts. For
probably six seven years, I wouldn't answer a phone call,
I wouldn't speak his name, I wouldn't nothing. But just
it's like one of those things part of growing and maturing,
and you know, going through life, and it's like you
start thinking about like, okay, hey, like you know the

(15:57):
past of the past and now is now, and it's
like you you want to be at peace. And I
think that's that's part of like when you get older,
it's not just your family you want peace with, but
you want peace with your partner, you want peace with
your kids, you want peace with like your friend group.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
Absolutely, and it's hard getting there when you don't grow
up with a certain type of peace that a lot
of people do grow up with. I know there's there's
issues within every family, but I crave a certain amount
of chaos because I grew up with a certain amount chaos.
I'm sure you can understand, you know what I mean.
And I commend you for like wanting the peace and

(16:32):
just letting it go, because for me, for a long time,
all I wanted was answers. I wanted to know everything.
And I still don't know today how long she did.
I don't. I know she went back to it later
on as when she was older, and then she stopped again.
So like I just like I just wanted to know everything.
I wanted to know when I wanted to where I
want to know why I wanted to know how long

(16:53):
I wanted to know, like what it affected and you
know what I mean, like and it was enading me alive.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah, and you know why she never told you everything.

Speaker 1 (17:03):
Probably because she was trying to protect.

Speaker 4 (17:04):
Me from you exact.

Speaker 2 (17:07):
But it's with you too, right, Like, yeah, my like
my my mom told me, I remember in the heat
of everything she goes, Evan, I'm not I'm never going
to tell you everything she goes. I can't. You know,
there's there's just there's certain things that you don't need
to need, that you don't need to know, that need
to be you know, untouched. Untalked about not brought up again,

(17:28):
and she knew I needed to, you know, heal and
move on from it. And like she actually knew. My
mom was like when me and my dad now communicate,
She's like, I knew you guys would eventually talk again,
but you know, you just being like it's it's a
little different when you're a man. Because I was the
quote unquote like I kind of started had to start
being like the head of the household because my my

(17:48):
dad started be coming so far out of the picture,
and it was like my dad wasn't the man of
the house, so like someone had to be it.

Speaker 1 (17:56):
So did you have an example of the man of
the house or what what did you think that was
supposed to be or did you even know that's what
you're and and really like I didn't really know it.

Speaker 2 (18:06):
I think I just had to start playing that role
and I had to start figuring it out than younger sister.
So that's the other part. So I had I had
my mom that I feel like I had to take
care of because of what my dad was putting her through.
And I had my sister who was just so young.
My sister is four years younger than me. So my
sister was just so clueless and blind to what was

(18:28):
going on in her in in her mind is oh,
dad's dad's working, Dad's you know, busy. Meanwhile, we don't
know if Dad is dead. We don't know if he's kidnapped,
we don't know if the freaking cartel took him out,
we don't we don't know if he's overdosed, Like we
don't know what you know, we don't, we don't. We

(18:50):
don't know where he is. And that's like and that's
and that's the stuff. Like I I seen my mom
like crumble in like front of my eyes. For years,
I just watched my mom. I remember at the peak
of everything, my mom was down to like she's like
ninety two pounds, this little ninety two pound you know,
seeing like and I think, you know, guys and girls

(19:11):
are a little bit different. Like a guy is always
gonna be very protective of his mother. So when he
sees your when a guy sees their mom just down
like that.

Speaker 1 (19:20):
Yeah, you want to protect your Yeah.

Speaker 3 (19:22):
So it's crazy because it's I mean, it's obviously a
generational thing. But like I have a son. You said
you have two kids, like yeah, three or three? So
it's like you, how do you approach that?

Speaker 5 (19:32):
Like are you like.

Speaker 3 (19:33):
More open with them because you don't want them to
ever feel like that because like like my situations, kuy
is like your sister. Like I have an older brother
and like he was the cancer. Yeah you know what
I mean, And like my childhood wasn't affected because my
parents were like both kind of like handling it. I
was in the back.

Speaker 2 (19:51):
You know, he's shielding you from it.

Speaker 3 (19:53):
Yeah he's he's eight years older than me. Yeah, so
he's like you.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
Know, he dealt with a lot more so much.

Speaker 3 (19:58):
But my parents were like, you know, we're dealing with that.
But it's also like I had I was oblivious. I
learned shit. When I mean he rapped the band, it
was kind of great. He robbed the bank when he
was like twenty two, Yeah, OK, but he was but
like I didn't realize like how much everything happened. I
think I was in like eighth grade when that happened,

(20:19):
so like I'm going to school, like they didn't even
tell me, and like I had so much resentment to
that also, which I'm sure you feel, yeah, because I'm
like we're believing in the same house, Like, yeah.

Speaker 1 (20:28):
You know, I feel betrayed, even though maybe protecting you.

Speaker 3 (20:32):
And that's one thousand percent what it is. But it's
also like I think back now and it's just like,
you know, my son's a he's autistic, right, but I'm
like I share everything on him. I want to know,
tell him every single thing, and because like it's like, yo,
this is this is the unit. I understand that protected thing.
But I also think that's a selfish way of going
about it.

Speaker 1 (20:47):
Yes, there needs to be a balance, yeah, like kind
of how you said your mom was like there's things
I just won't tell you, yep. And I think that
there needs to be a balance there because you can
blow your child's mind. Again, you were in high schoo
I was in the twenties. Well how old you when
you found out about the things in your family?

Speaker 5 (21:04):
In eighth grade?

Speaker 1 (21:05):
So what is that like in middle school?

Speaker 3 (21:07):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, junior thirteen, fourteen years old.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
Yeah, so like at any stage, Yeah, it could rip
your roll apart.

Speaker 2 (21:14):
I think there needs to be I think for you too,
it's like when you find out like when you're like
in your twenties. I always joke with people like, you know,
years you're you're kind you kind of transform into like
different people through you know, your teenage years, your twenties,
your thirties. Like I always tell people like I don't
even recognize the Evan from his twenties, And I think

(21:36):
a lot of us can probably be like, you know,
relate to that. It's like I don't even know who
the fuck that guy was, you know, in the twenties.
But what my point here is is when you're in
your twenties, you're like fresh out of high school, you're
beginning your quote unquote adult life, Like you're trying to
figure life out. So when you're trying to figure your
life out, plus you get slapped in the face with

(21:58):
some like crazy stuff like that is like, I.

Speaker 1 (22:01):
Think you just helped me with something. Sorry to interrupt you,
but I'm a new therapist doctor.

Speaker 2 (22:10):
Nice to meet.

Speaker 1 (22:11):
Talking about your ship because you learned so much and
it sounds different in your head than when you do
speak it out loud. But sorry to interrupt you, but
I was pregnant when I found out a lot of
stuff about my family. Okay, fast forward a little bit.
When my daughter was one, I started doing drugs. And

(22:32):
it kind of makes sense if you think about it hindsight,
you know what I mean, if I was still, if
it was still, like you know, I've been sober for
five years, so if you thank you, if you think
about then, like if I was still in that time,
I wouldn't have been able to link it. But I
think that makes sense.

Speaker 2 (22:49):
Yeah, I mean, it's it's so much. It's like it's so.

Speaker 3 (22:54):
Yeah, and you're probably like you said, it was a year,
so it's like maybe.

Speaker 1 (22:58):
I was so hormonal.

Speaker 5 (23:00):
Yeah, I know I had delayed postpartum.

Speaker 3 (23:01):
I don't know, I don't know.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
Yeah, how that was, but I was postpartum with my
first daughter. Yeah, and then I had my second daughter
four years after my first, and then I hit postpartum again,
and that that.

Speaker 3 (23:10):
Ship, yeah, yeah, delayed is the ship that my wife
did the same thing. It was like probably like a
year and a half in. I was just like, I
thought that ship was a wrap right after. Yeah, it's
it's hard, you know, it's very hard.

Speaker 1 (23:22):
Yeah, And I don't believe that I had the proper
conversations about that. It was normal. It was normal that
you felt disconnected from your child, it's normal, and that
it was going to come back.

Speaker 2 (23:37):
Yeah, I didn't.

Speaker 1 (23:37):
I didn't have that.

Speaker 5 (23:40):
How old are you with the first one?

Speaker 1 (23:42):
Seven praying at seventeen?

Speaker 2 (23:43):
You were in high school?

Speaker 3 (23:45):
Oh yeah in Canada.

Speaker 1 (23:46):
Yeah, so I spent okay.

Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, I was gonna say, let's wait, yeah, we can
tap into it. I was going to say, before before
we get in, before we get into the kids. I
would like to kind of fill in that gap a
little bit between and Okay, so we're we're in Japan.
You're in Japan for like.

Speaker 1 (24:06):
Three almost four years?

Speaker 3 (24:08):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (24:09):
Yeah, three yeah, so in Japan three years? What happened
after Japan so in.

Speaker 1 (24:17):
Japan three four years. Again, it was beautiful, it was amazing.
I actually saw my first like low writers in Japan,
and it's like, we're.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
Definitely gonna get into that too.

Speaker 1 (24:27):
Becauseicians and ship like Japanese people can fucking do everything.
I'm telling you, they can do everything.

Speaker 2 (24:32):
And I loved different culture really.

Speaker 1 (24:35):
And so after Japan, moved to Idaho. So I started
junior high in.

Speaker 2 (24:42):
And this was all because of military related moves.

Speaker 3 (24:45):
Yes, stepped up.

Speaker 1 (24:49):
Yeah, So my dad had always stayed in Canada, and
then we moved with my mom and my stepdad, So
we moved and then after Japan, we lived in Idaho
and I was there like only for like a couple
of years, and I ended up more backstory, my stepdad

(25:15):
wasn't the nicest guy, and it was very hard living
with him. He brought his work home with him, and
you know, I support the troops and everything, you know
what I mean, and what they do for the country,
but it also they also can get affected mentally and
it affects your family. So he was very mean, and

(25:36):
nobody wanted to deal with it because there was a
lot of there was a lot of abuse in the
house and so everyone wanted to just like leave, run away.
My sister left as soon as she turned eighteen. We
all wanted to leave, so I ran away. When I
was in Idaho, I would spend as many days as
I could with my best friends or my friends like
stay out of the house. Whenever he got.

Speaker 3 (25:59):
Delayed deployed.

Speaker 1 (26:01):
You would think that that's a heavy hard time because
you think about what your parent is going to go do.
But we didn't even think about what they were going
to go do overseas. We were just happy he wasn't home.

Speaker 2 (26:11):
I'm just going to say, you guys are probably celebrating.
You're like, yo, the assholes out of the house. We
don't got to deal with this crabby.

Speaker 1 (26:17):
Ass kind of mom back, because my mom was also
dealing with abuse from him.

Speaker 3 (26:22):
Would your mom like ever address like was it just
like everybody just knows he's kind of like whatever. Would
she be like try to talk to you guys, like, hey, guys,
rough day. No she tried to just.

Speaker 1 (26:33):
No, no, it was his way or the highway, and
you would hear, okay. When I was a kid, one
time I wanted to write down how many times they
would fight in a day, And I remember by the
end of the day, my whole paper was filled up
with allies. And I was like, well, the pointless doing
that because she and I was in Japan. When I

(26:55):
would I did the tallying. So I believe that she
tried to fight. But he's a huge, like six foot
five motherfucker. Like you're scared, and she was scared.

Speaker 2 (27:07):
There's there's just a comment on that there's nothing worse
as a child than watching your parents fight. Yeah, And
I think I always tell people, like, you know, my
dad did a lot of fucked up shit, but the
one thing I'm always happy for is he actually told me.
He actually taught me what not to do and what

(27:28):
not to be as a father, because, like I mean,
I have I have flashbacks. I remember, like just like
you said, like you know, seeing like countless fights. Yeah,
my room was like right below my parents and everything,
and and I would remember like some nights i'd like
couldn't sleep and then because you know, my we didn't
know where my dad was, and he just would sometimes

(27:50):
vanish for like days on end, and I remember i'd
hear him come home and it was just like screaming
and yelling, and like I didn't know what the hell
was going on? And sometimes even happened, you know during
the day, like when we're home, so I hear you
on that.

Speaker 1 (28:04):
At any point she could pop off, yeah you know
what I mean. And then you're just like, yeah, worried
about Yeah, I was worried about my mom.

Speaker 4 (28:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:14):
It's like when when you're a young kid too, Like
I could imagine, especially as a female, like you're worried
for people's like safety and yeah, you know it's like.

Speaker 3 (28:23):
This dude is obviously like towering over everybody, like, yeah,
just a safety concern really at the end of the day,
yeah everybody else.

Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, And like I know that he had gone through
some crazy stuff growing up. He was, you know, gone
through his bit of abuse. He's also born in in
a on An Island, and I was told that his
dad was very abusive to him, Like he had like
a like a big old cut on the side of
his head because his dad hit him with the back
of an axe, like he had been through some ship

(28:52):
and that that's why he is the way he is.
But us as adults, we recognize now because we talk
about trauma that we understand and that they were trying
to do better than what they had, they had it worse,
but we still we still got a shit end of
the sick sometimes.

Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yep, you know. And and well, I definitely want to
get into that when we talk about your kids, because
I feel that's that's something that's like you you don't
really understand how much like your childhood affects kids, and
how your kids, how you were raised basically paints the

(29:27):
picture on how you're going to raise future children. So
it's it's very important today. I feel, especially like people
like us that grew up in like broken households and
like messy situations, you really have to have that self awareness. Yeah,
Like you have to have that awareness of like, damn,
like what I lived in was not right and not healthy.
I got to make sure that I don't duplicate that

(29:49):
in the future.

Speaker 1 (29:51):
But I didn't think about that then.

Speaker 3 (29:52):
Sorry, No, I was just saying that I think this
is a generational thing. Kind of going back to that, it's like,
it's just I don't know, you're thin because the more
people you meet and the more people you're like around,
you're kind of like, oh, damn, like your parents don't
fight it kind of just you can, but like self
reflect Yeah, that's.

Speaker 1 (30:15):
I never thought about that. That Like how you said
he taught you how not to father, I didn't think
about that. I felt like I was I'm the youngest
out of three. I was very naive for a long time,
and I felt like I couldn't make my own ideals
and principles and values for myself. And that's something that
I still struggled with to this day of what my

(30:39):
hardline standards are because they were always so flip floppy
and flimsy like growing up.

Speaker 3 (30:45):
So it was you mean like boundaries.

Speaker 1 (30:48):
Yeah, none, none, whatsoever. And I didn't even think, like, man,
I never want to be treated like that by man.
That's ultimately where I just naturally went gravitated towards, you
know what I mean. So although my dad is you know,
amazing best friend, we didn't grow up in his house.

Speaker 2 (31:08):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (31:09):
I feel like if we would have grown up in
his house, we would have had a lot less trauma
to deal with. Now. Yeah, but you know, I mean,
I'm not gonna I can't be angry forever for sure,
you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (31:20):
I think that's just that, like it's like level of
maturity I was talking about, is you just it's one
of those things where it's like, yo, you can't be
mad forever, Like this was the situation I grew up in.
And you know I always say like like I use
this as like, you know, fuel for my fire.

Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (31:35):
So the kids help you with that too, though, Like
once you realize like okay, there's all these unanswered questions whatever,
but like these little humans need me. Yeah, I know
how to love. So it's just like I'm gonna we'll
deal with that sit later. Yeah, And it's like for.

Speaker 2 (31:48):
Sure, So so you were to go back to your
the kind of journey because I love kind of keeping
this going. So leaving Idaho or sorry, you pretty much
ran away from Idah? Is that correct? I tried to
try to.

Speaker 1 (32:03):
I love Idaho with my whole heart, like Vegas and
Idaho there is it's my everything. I I was there
in junior high, right, So that's the time I feel
them where kids really try to start figuring out who
they are or or their environment makes them who they are.

(32:24):
You understand, I know the first seven in your life,
seven years of your life is what makes makes you
who you are. But do you know what I mean exactly?
So in in Idaho, like, I uh. When I moved there,
like there's the environment I was in, the people I

(32:44):
was around, it just stuck with me. I never felt
like in anywhere because I mean created a Native and
Saint Lucian, and I also speak Spanish because I learned
how to when I was a kid, because all my
best friends spoke Spanish. So I never really fit in anywhere.
So when I moved to Idaho and I started being
around the people that I was, I started feeling more

(33:06):
comfortable with being who I was. My best friends were
all mostly Mexican, and for me, that was like like
they wanted me to be over like their moms loved me,
like my best friend's moms like I loved them. They
loved me. I was always sleeping over and the culture
I really admired and loved, and I never really felt

(33:27):
like I'm fitting anywhere. But I was the same color,
you know what I mean. And then I started learning
how to speak Spanish, and I just like my friends
then had I had a child with, so it's like
they they're part of place in my heart that they
will always be. But I ran away.

Speaker 3 (33:47):
There's a big Latino culture in Idaho.

Speaker 1 (33:50):
Yeah, in a small ass town called Mountain Home. Yeah,
like it's like fourteen thousand people, that's it. Oh yeah,
like tiny yeah, tiny, And I love it there.

Speaker 3 (33:59):
But that's cool too because like just like Latinos, you're
already like so tight, and then when there's less people,
it's like okay, yeah that makes even stronger. Yeah yeah, So.

Speaker 1 (34:09):
I didn't obviously necessarily fit in still, but I felt
more comfortable. I felt I was in a home where
people wanted to be.

Speaker 2 (34:15):
There, and you weren't getting that at your actual home life.
So you gravitated towards you know, your friends and their family.
That that gave you, you know, that that feeling in bond.

Speaker 3 (34:27):
So that was like the first place you felt like
this is home.

Speaker 1 (34:29):
Yes, yep, absolutely, Like like even like in I I
still haven't decided what religion. I feel that I can
necessarily completely contribute myself to God, yes, but like I

(34:50):
was raised Catholic, but my parents let me decide. So
in a Spanish household, it's mostly Catholic, right, so seeing
like the Virgin Mary and stuff like stuck with me
and my mom is extremely Catholic now, but it just
I don't know, it's like at that age, it just
like these things just stick to you and you're like,

(35:12):
this is where I belong. So it felt good to
be a part of something, and especially at home dealing
with my stepdad, I did not want to be there,
so I ran away. Funny story with this part is
when I decided to run away, I got kicked out
of high school because I ran away. But while I
was gone, we ended up at this like it's like

(35:39):
a house for people that work on the dairy because
there's lots of dairies out there, so it's like a
house of a bunch of people that live there. And
that's one of the places that we went to when
me and my friends ran away, because it was three
of us that ran away together and come to find out,
my sister told me this only a couple of years ago.

(35:59):
After running away in junior high we went to they
were I don't know if it was cartel, I don't
know what it was, but they were under investigation with
the DEA for making meth. So my mom actually knew
where we were because her best friend was. She used
to be a cop. She runs she runs a jail
now there, but they knew where we were, but they

(36:22):
couldn't come get us because it was under investigation. And
one of the guys that we want to run away
with to California because I always wanted to be in
California when I was a kid. I wanted to be
thirteen or fourteen and pregnant. I wanted to not live
with my family. I was going to run away to
Oxnard with my little boyfriend at the time, and like,
I was going to live a whole different light and yeah,
I was just I was trying to be gone. Yeah,

(36:46):
so yeah, it was. It was like a whole shit show.
One of the guys I guess that we ran away with,
or actually that we were going to he was going
to take us to California because he was going to Mexico.
He actually was held predator and he was wanted for
that and we I didn't I didn't know until years later.
My sister told me all this and then I called

(37:06):
my mom and I was like really, and she was like, yeah,
he drew. She knew what they he drove. I had
been in this car multiple times before. I'd been seeing
him at many parties, Like yeah, I was like, damn.

Speaker 3 (37:17):
From school, this is like, how did how did you
guys meet him. I'm thinking it's like a group of
leg you guys in your like all eighth grade and
we're like let's go.

Speaker 1 (37:25):
No, it was just like us going to like parties
and like, you know, everybody ends up there, you know
what I mean. You don't know, family, like what friends,
whats and stuff are going to be there.

Speaker 2 (37:36):
Smaller towns too, like like everyone's kind of like you know,
it's like, oh, these guys are throwing a party.

Speaker 1 (37:41):
It's like everybody goes.

Speaker 2 (37:42):
It's like everybody goes. It's like small township.

Speaker 1 (37:44):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like if you go to like a
like a biler a Qntinnette or something, Yeah, there the
whole town's invited.

Speaker 3 (37:51):
Yeah, everybody can.

Speaker 1 (37:53):
Show up to a wedding or whatever. It's like a
you know, a big dance at the end. So that's
what we always used to do.

Speaker 3 (37:59):
So he was to try to you guys to Mexico.

Speaker 1 (38:02):
What it was was he I was trying Me and
my friends were trying to find a way to California.
I just wanted to go. Like when I used to
think of like Alicia Keys, when I was even younger,
I would be like, damn, I want to go to
New York. I want to be on the train just
living my life. However, the fuck I wasn't. I've always
been a dreamer in that sense, like I want to

(38:24):
like I want to sing, and I want to dance,
and I want to be in the limelight and I
want to Like I always just wanted like Alicia Keys,
think of her. I wanted to be her, think of
like a California Alicia Keys. I wanted to be her,
you know what I mean, Like that's that's that's how
I envisioned myself. So we were trying to get to
California and the guy was going to Mexico, but you

(38:44):
have to go through California to get to Mexico, like
where he was going. So we were going to go
with him, and we ended up not making it because
we were going to go to Boise, which is the
capital of Idaho, and we slept in a shed that
night and I found a knife on the ground and

(39:05):
I was like, this is going to protect me because
one of the nights that we were out there, I
had been offered meth but I said no. At the time,
I didn't even know it was meth at the time,
but it was drugs and I said no, like I
didn't want it. And then the next day we slept
in the shed. And the night we slept in the shed,

(39:27):
I woke up with my friends and I looked out
andre It's like the middle of nowhere in Idaho. So
I was looking out and I was like, there's a
white truck over there. And my friends are like, nah,
you're tripping. And I was like, no, I'm telling you,
there's a white truck down the road and they're fucking
watching us. And my friends were like, nah, you're tripping.

(39:48):
Our friends were about to come pick us up, Like
these guys, we knew we're going to come pick us up,
take us to Boise, so then we could figure out
what the fuck we're going to do from then, Like,
how do you really know what you're doing? In junior high?

Speaker 3 (39:59):
Running away? You go with the wind.

Speaker 2 (40:01):
Blows like your your little eighth grade your runaways.

Speaker 1 (40:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're in the same clothes, you know
what I mean, Like just going just trying to not
go home. So there's these guys that came to pick
us up and we had just got it in the
car and they had bought us Burger King, and I
remember grabbing a fry about to eat it. I don't.
I don't even get to take a bite of my food.

(40:25):
And then four police cars and the white truck surround
us and we all get arrested, and I was like,
I fucking told you guys knew that watching us.

Speaker 3 (40:37):
It was.

Speaker 4 (40:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:39):
So we all get arrested. We all go down to
like the cop shop, and we all get like, you know,
interrogated and asked questions about where we were, who we
were with, and I was like, I'm not fucking telling you.
I was like, you all just want to arrest these
people and they didn't do anything wrong and this and
that not knowing all the things that my mom knew
about where we were, you know what I mean. But

(40:59):
I felt were treated well. Like I even told my
husband this, I'm like, they were nice guys, Like they
were great, Like they fed us, like we smoke lots
of weed, we got to drink, like we had a
police to sleep place to sleep, like yeah, like you
know what I mean, we were taken care of. They
were nice. They we laughed with them, we talked with them,
you know. So that being oblivious, but I genuinely felt

(41:21):
safe there. But also that goes back to if you
want to get deep, how you grow up mentally and
what you're taught, you know what I mean, And being
the youngest and being a little naive, I was like,
we're good.

Speaker 2 (41:36):
I was like, no, you were not. But it's like
one of those things where it's like when you're in
a broken house and like you don't feel like that
that you know, that love, that acceptance, that just peace
sets your home. When you start going around other people,
even if they're not quote unquote the best people or
good people, as long as they're treating you well, it's

(41:58):
a lot better situation. And then what your home life is.

Speaker 3 (42:01):
Yea, So it's probably just more relaxed. I mean obviously
more relaxed with them, right, like at home, Like I'm
sure everybody's kind of like, you know, like walking on
eggshells and you get around people and like, you know,
they just want to.

Speaker 1 (42:11):
Have a good time.

Speaker 3 (42:12):
Yeah, you're just like, yeah, yeah, this is like what
it is supposed to be. Like, yes, you know what
I mean.

Speaker 1 (42:15):
Yeah, that's absolutely true.

Speaker 3 (42:17):
So what happened? Did they take you guys back too?

Speaker 1 (42:20):
So after we got arrested, we went to the cop shop,
we got interrogated, question, whatever you want to call it,
took our fingerprints. I didn't. I believe that, like my
stepdad being in the military helped us, helped me get
in less trouble. But I all I can remember is
not wanting to answer any other questions, and then my

(42:41):
mom being mad at me because I was swearing at
the cops and telling you know, like like being disrespectful
and not appropriate and like how you're you would tell
your kids, like I tell my daughter, like, don't don't
talk to me like that. I'm an adult, I'm your mother,
you know what I mean. Like I was not being
respectful at all. So I went home with my mom
and like she boarded up my room and like Cinderella,

(43:02):
so like my window had been boarded up. She changed
the knob on my door so she could lock me in.
But I was a little shit. Yeah, that night I
changed my doorknob with her doorknob, and I told her
I'll lock her in her room. And I was just terrible.
I was terrible. Yeah, I was really bad. But yeah,
so like we lived in Idaho. I lived in Idaho

(43:25):
for a couple of years or a year and a half,
and then my mom was like you're going to live
with your dad in Canada. So that's when I moved
in with my dad, and I spent the last couple
of years of high school with my dad, and then
I got pregnant in high school.

Speaker 2 (43:39):
Do you feel that moving back with your dad was
like obviously a great move, right, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:48):
But I feel like at that point it was damage control. Yeah,
when you're at that age and you're already.

Speaker 3 (43:52):
On you for my parents, Oh, I gotcha.

Speaker 1 (43:56):
I feel like at that point it's damage control because
you've are aready been through so much. Yeah that like,
at what point do you just like you've already been
taught all this shit? Right, So my dad could try
to instill in me all these these things, but they're
not going to pay off till way later. They're paying
off now.

Speaker 2 (44:15):
Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (44:18):
So, yeah, it was I'm glad I got to get
that close with him, but I was still like trying
to run amok. I was partying every weekend.

Speaker 2 (44:26):
Guess finals, Yeah, I guess, I guess that's what I
was kind of getting at. Was more like, when when
you went back to your dad, did you straighten out
or was it more just along the lines of like
it got you out the environment that you were in
in Idaho, it got you away from your mom, your stepdad,
and you just you continue the same shenanigans in Canada.

Speaker 1 (44:49):
Yeah, except he was a little more my dad is.
He's really laid back. He was like, all right, I'm
not going to be hypocrite. You can't do anything I
don't do. So if I drink, you can drink a
little here and there. You know, you could go do
this and do that. I don't smoke cigarettes. I don't
want to smoking cigaret. I did anyways, but you know,
he was pretty laid back, and he didn't argue with

(45:10):
me my mom, would you know what I mean? Like,
I think it's important to not argue with the kid.
I argue with my daughter all the time. It's very hard.
But he tried really hard, and it made it a
space for me to just be you know, I was
more accepted.

Speaker 3 (45:26):
How did he react when when you told me you
were pregnant.

Speaker 1 (45:36):
When I was pregnant. Well, my mom was all for it.
She ended up moving to Canada my last year of
high school. So she was like, I got you back.
I'll be there for you. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (45:47):
Like and you were you were you got pregnant when
you were seventeen.

Speaker 1 (45:50):
Yes, so my dad was upset. He didn't want me,
like he knew I wasn't ready. I was seventeen, you know,
still wanting to party like that. Like the week I
found out I got pregnant, I was like I had
just been blacked out that weekend, like like you know
what I mean, Like it was it was I was

(46:11):
still running amok. So my dad was like, you know,
you gotta be prepared for this. And I was like,
I'm gonna help her. It's gonna be fine. And I
was like, okay, well we're doing this.

Speaker 3 (46:19):
And she moved did she moved to a different place,
so she moved in with you guys.

Speaker 1 (46:21):
No, she moved to a different place. So I would
like bounce around.

Speaker 3 (46:25):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (46:26):
So even though like I ran away from the house
in Idaho, I still talked to my mom. I just
didn't want anything to do with my stepdad. So she
eventually left him after eight years of a marriage with him.
Seven eight years.

Speaker 3 (46:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:38):
Yeah, so then she moved to Canada to start over
and then she she jumped around too. But yeah, so
my dad was he was probably disappointed in my choice,
but supportive in my choice as well, like, Okay, if
you're going to do this, then yeah.

Speaker 3 (46:54):
Oh okay. Good.

Speaker 5 (46:55):
So it wasn't like a complete like you're.

Speaker 2 (46:56):
On your own.

Speaker 1 (46:57):
No, no, my dad will never do that to me.

Speaker 4 (47:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (47:01):
He's always been like, you know, you got to figure
things out. But like he'll save me any day. Yeah,
if I need saving, I'll be like, Dad, I need
you help me. He's like, damn, I told you, I
can tell you, and then he'll be right there.

Speaker 3 (47:14):
That's that's amazing though, because the people don't. They just
don't have that.

Speaker 1 (47:20):
Yeah, he's my rock. Yeah, yeah he will. Like at
some point he'll be like, I'm tired of telling you shit,
so I'm gona stop telling you something. So I'm like, Dad,
I'm thirty, Please, I promise. I want to retain all
the information you have because you're so intelligent and so knowledgeable,
and I feel like I don't know what the fuck
I'm doing.

Speaker 2 (47:35):
Yep. Yeah, so, and I would love to get into
this part. So I think, you know, seventeen years old
number one, not really ready for a child, probably, but
I thought it was. But I as a woman, and
you realize you're about to have a kid, do you.
You got to fucking step up. You gotta put on
your game face, like you gotta do this. So talk

(47:56):
to us a little bit about you know, being seventeen
years old, being pregnant, you know, having your first kid.
You know what what was that like? Especially you know
at that just your where you were at in life in.

Speaker 1 (48:11):
Period, I think I was still, like I said before,
like I wasn't thinking about the parent I didn't want
to be, or the parent I didn't want to be,
or or I like I felt like I was still
riding the wind, Like I was still just doing what
I think adults are supposed to do and not thinking
too much about my actions and just making them. I

(48:32):
always knew I wanted to be a mom, But when
I was pregnant at seventeen, I had been in so
many high schools. By then, I did four different high
schools in Canada, and I was only there for a
couple of years, and like I was jumping back from
my mom's house from my dad's house for my auntie's house,
like and then eventually I lived with my oldest daughter's

(48:53):
dad in my last year of high school. So I
was just I was always none. I was just I
was just going. I was just making mindless decisions. And
when I was pregnant with my daughter, like when you're
seventeen and pregnant, it's usually it's an easy pregnancy because
you're young, you know what I mean, Your body can

(49:13):
handle it. So that part was very easy. When my
daughter was born, she's like the cutest, most amazing, beautiful
thing I've ever seen in my life. But her dad
was very chaotic and toxic himself. He was born in
Iraq and then he lived the other half of his
life in Serbia because he's half Iraqi half Serbian, so
he had been in Iraq during the war, so he

(49:36):
had he was not mentally all there because of like
being a child of war, you know what I mean.
So there was a lot of issues there as well.
So he you know, didn't want me to go to
college and he wanted me to stay home, but yet
he was never home and like he would be at
work all day, but there would be no money for

(49:56):
the bills at our townhouse. So it was also very chaotic,
Like I was by myself, yeah, all day every day
with my daughter, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (50:08):
Super stressful for you. Yeah, it was child trying to
figure out not only trying to be like a new mom,
but trying to be a new mom with like no
money or even the ability to make money because you
have to stay home with your daughter because someone's got
to take care of her.

Speaker 5 (50:22):
Like yeah, yeah, dude, it's you have noise.

Speaker 3 (50:25):
I mean, like right now, you're doing like I was twenty,
I wasn't even a bar I was making.

Speaker 5 (50:28):
I was working.

Speaker 3 (50:29):
I was making like thirteen dollars an hour. When you're
in this room, bro, with the baby that just came
out like a month, like a few weeks ago. Yeah,
and you're like it fucking hates you where you're like
I need to keep this motherfucker a love.

Speaker 1 (50:41):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's like all adrenaline, like, yeah,
I just got to make sure this baby stays life.

Speaker 3 (50:47):
Yeah. Also with dealing everything with you know, that's just
gotta be fucking just really very difficult. So he so
I guess he was not going to your home.

Speaker 1 (51:00):
And then no, you're okay, you can. I interrupt all
the time. I actually welcome interrupting because I do it
so often, So please please feel.

Speaker 2 (51:08):
Free your okay, Okay, so first first child, seventeen and
then you you said you had three kids?

Speaker 3 (51:15):
Yeah, correct you how long did that like in the
tonnels and stuff kind of like last and then so so.

Speaker 1 (51:22):
We split up. Yeah, I got pregnant four months after
meeting him. We moved in together, probably within like the
first week of meeting each other.

Speaker 2 (51:32):
Yeah, had some seventeen year old ship.

Speaker 1 (51:36):
Yeah, but yeah, yeah he was twenty one though I
was seventeen, gotcha. And so yeah, we moved in together.
Got pregnant four months after meeting him. And then when
my daughter was three months old, he had come home
one day and he told me he had been on
all sorts of drugs and like drinking and out all night,
and we got into this huge fight and like he

(51:57):
ripped the whole entire front door off, like like with
what is.

Speaker 2 (52:02):
It called, you know, like bees, like the doorframe.

Speaker 1 (52:05):
The doorframe came off with the door like it was,
and my mom had just slept over that night, so
thank goodness she was there because she was holding my daughter,
and like me and him were fighting, and he tried
to hit me with the shovel or like a like
a snowshovel. So it's plastic but still like it was.
It was just the most crazy toxic thing ever. So
my mom was like, I don't care, I'm calling the cops.

(52:27):
So she calls the cops and he goes and takes
my daughter outside and it's Canada, it's cold, so I'm like,
she needs a blanket, like, just give her to me,
and like four cops come and they try to get
my daughter out of his hands, and eventually they do,
and me and my mom leave to like my auntie's
house or something like that, and that's when we broke up.

(52:48):
And then I moved to Idaho again when my daughter
was two, and he hit me up once like he
used to FaceTime us, say hi to me, la. Yeah.
And then one day he randomly messaged me and sai yo,
is that my daughter? And then we never heard from
him again. And she's twelve.

Speaker 2 (53:09):
Wow. Yeah, so so it's been what ten years, I'm
gonna say ten years? Wow? That's crazy?

Speaker 4 (53:17):
Is that?

Speaker 2 (53:20):
And is this probably a tough one, but it's like
as a as a mother, does she ever you know,
ask you you know, you know, where where am I?
You know? Who's my dad? Where's my dad?

Speaker 1 (53:30):
Or yeah, she asked lots of questions. She looks just
like him, Yeah, and it's a it's hard because I
if I could have had the choice, I wouldn't have
wanted it that way. Yep, you know, for sure, I
wish that he cared about his mental health and cared

(53:50):
about himself and her. And I think he has many
more kids, Like he had another daughter after my daughter,
and then had I think a son after and I
don't know if he's in any of their lives, and
he might even have kids before because I don't even
know when his real birthday is. I don't, I don't
There's so many things I don't know about him. Yeah,
so he could be he's actually older than I thought

(54:11):
he was, Like I don't know the real him. Yeah,
So Miela asked about him, and I gave her a
couple of pictures. But that's even hard to do, yeah,
because yeah, yeah, See, like we were talking about, like
there's a balance between what you can allowed to expose
and what you can say for later when they're old enough.

(54:34):
So I've allowed her a few pictures of him, But
she's like when she was a little bit younger, when
she was like six or seven, She's like mom, what
was my dad like? And I was like, well, he
didn't do what he was supposed to do for a relationship,
and that's ultimately why we're not together, because you if
you want to be in a relationship, you need to

(54:55):
make sure that you guys have certain standards upheld and
that he does the adult things that a man is
supposed to do and you do the adult things that
you're supposed to do to make it work. And I said,
and he just didn't do that, which is okay. And
I told her, he gave you the best of what
he had, so even though he may not be the best,
he gave you the best of what he is, so hopefully,

(55:17):
I was just trying to tell her that just because
you come from him, it doesn't mean that your shit,
that you're bad. That he gave you all the good
he ever had, you know what I mean. And she
cries about it a lot, and you know, it makes
me sad because I love my dad and I have
a very close relationship with him, so I don't even
know what it's like necessarily to not have a father

(55:39):
in my life, you know what I mean. So it
breaks my heart for her, especially because she looks just
like him, And I feel like, yeah, and when she
sees him, like she can see that she looks like him,
And yeah, I don't even know if he would give
her a good advice if they talk today. I don't
even know if I would allow that.

Speaker 2 (56:00):
I was, I was. I was just about to ask if,
like he came to you and said, you know, hey,
can I have a relationship with my daughter? Like, was
that something you'd be open to?

Speaker 1 (56:11):
No, it would be a gauntlet of things that we
would have to go through before I would.

Speaker 2 (56:17):
I was gonna say, it's like that's almost one of
those things where it's like you're opening a can of worms.

Speaker 1 (56:23):
Yeah, I don't know him.

Speaker 2 (56:24):
Yeah, it's like, well number one, you didn't know him
when you were with him. Yeah, let you know, you
don't know him when you're with him. Let alone know
him now you know, ten eleven years later.

Speaker 1 (56:36):
Yeah, exactly, Like, I don't know what kind of advice
would he give her. How would he explain his absence?
Would he make her feel good about the time that
he spent away from her? Or is he just going
to be selfish like he has been thus far? You
know what I mean? Like I found him on Facebook
the other day and my husband's like, don't even crack that,
don't even crack that open, because he's not looking for her. Yep,

(56:58):
you know what I mean, and that it's heartbreaking, but
there's gonna I told I told my daughter there's gonna
be a time when you're gonna make him answer for
the ship that he did or didn't do. And I
promise you I'll be right fucking there to make him
answer for what he didn't do. But he still might
not even get the answers that he needs.

Speaker 2 (57:16):
Yeah, you know what I mean, quick intermission. And I
think it's like when when howls your daughter now about
to be twelve, yeah, twelve, So like she's I mean,
you remember what you were like, you know, going in
your teenage years. You know, she's at that age right

(57:36):
now where she's she's very curious. Oh yeah, you know
we bro you know, like especially I mean, you know
that's right, boys, boys, guys, et cetera. Like we're definitely curious.
But women are even more curious. Oh yeah, you know,
like they're always asking questions.

Speaker 1 (57:56):
With mom, Yeah, tell me more.

Speaker 4 (57:58):
Women ask too many questions.

Speaker 2 (58:00):
Yeah, but it's like, you know, so I think It's
one of those things where it's like, right now, she's
probably in like that curious face. And as as she
grows and gets older, and as you guys probably have
you know, get closer and closer, as like she gets older,
she'll understand that, you know, hey, like my mom did
what she had to and she did what was you know,

(58:22):
best for me. And you know, I'm a big believer,
like you know, I I remember I told like I
was tell a lot of people actually it's like, you know,
blood is blood is blood, and blood's not necessary family,
you know, you know, family to me, Like I refer
to a lot of my friends as family because like

(58:42):
I'm actually not close with besides like my mom and
my sister, I'm not really close with really any of
my family members. So I think I think at one
point it did because you know, I grew up in
a very very small town in Montana where it's like,
you know, very tight knit community. Everyone's you know, got

(59:03):
families and cousins and brothers and sisters whatever, and I
think it used to kind of bother me. I think
at times that it was like damn, like, you know,
everyone's got these you know, big families and everyone's like
super close, and I guess I part of it. It
doesn't bother me now because I've chose the life that
I did. Like I mean, out of all the people

(59:25):
I grew up with, I'm telling you, there's only like
a few people that even got out of Montana, yeah
and just escaped like that life.

Speaker 1 (59:32):
So a lot of drugs in your small town tons,
I swear, I think it's a cartel towns.

Speaker 2 (59:37):
Oh yeah, that's they. My dad was caught up in it.

Speaker 1 (59:40):
Oh yeah, okay, sorry.

Speaker 4 (59:42):
Yeah, my yeah.

Speaker 2 (59:44):
Like I won't even get into the full story, but
the breaking point actually of my mom and my mom
finally leaving my dad after probably a good ten plus
years of fuckery, dealing with my dad cheating, large amount
of drug use, disappearing, all sorts of stories, this that

(01:00:05):
and whatever. My my mom just my little innocent mother,
you know, small town Montana. Like someone knocks at the door,
you just open the door, like you don't look to
see at the door, Like I actually I didn't even
lock my car, or what I didn't either. You don't
lock your car, you don't lock your doors at night,
like it's like an it's like an open door policy

(01:00:27):
because like you just you trust everybody and I and
actually that's that's one of that. That's one thing that
I hate about where I grew up is like I
grew up trusting way too many people, and I actually
had to learn that the hard way. Like my circle,
I would admit, is finally starting to get like smaller
and smaller and smaller as I get older. But for

(01:00:48):
many years, I was just I was cool with everybody.
I fucked with everybody. Everyone's cool with Evan because Evan's
super easy going, laid back, you know whatever. But it's
just because like how I was raised. But anyway, back
to that story, my mom opened the door and guy
was there with fucking gun, straight up and was like, hey, listen,

(01:01:09):
like your husband owes us a lot of fucking money.
So it's like and no, this is the craziest part.
So I lived in California. I left, graduated college, bounced around,
went to Wyoming, went to Hawaii, went to California. I
was in California, my sister was in western Montana. My

(01:01:31):
mom opens the door, she's only one home. Guy basically
pulls the gun and says, hey, listen, like, get the
fucking money, find your fucking husband. Nobody can get a
hold of him. He owes us a lot of money.
And if we don't get the fucking money, we know
where you live. We know Evans in California, and and
and like they knew my address, they knew my address

(01:01:54):
in California, and they knew where my sister was in
western Montana. They literally had a bullseye.

Speaker 1 (01:02:01):
Exactly where you guys were, straight up. And then how
did that not fuck with you?

Speaker 2 (01:02:06):
I mean it took me. It took me a minute, Like, yeah,
I remember, so I'm I'm thirty seven, so this this
all happened, you know, I was like early twenties, actually
more mid twenties, mid twenties. But yeah, it took me.
It took me a lot of years. Like that's why
at the beginning of this spot, I was saying that

(01:02:26):
I didn't talk to my dad for so many years
because what he put because he literally put us through hell.
And it's like, you know, not only at the end
did he get like abusive with my mom, but he
had all of our lives in jeopardy at risk yep,
And it's like that's the thing that I couldn't I
I just I couldn't. I couldn't accept a Paul And

(01:02:47):
I mean he was also one of those dudes that
like he And this is where me and she we
actually argue about therapy a lot. I don't get me wrong.
I think there's some great therapists. My problem with therapists,
especially therapists that are associated with like rehabs or like
suicide related things, they don't necessarily get you to like

(01:03:11):
accept and apologize and come clean on what you did.
A lot of times they tell you reasons on why
you did what you did. So my dad, So my
dad came to me. My dad came to me. Yeah,
so my dad actually came to me after multiple rehabs,
but it was one of the last rehab sessions. And

(01:03:34):
all I wanted was for my dad just to come
to me and look me in the face and say, hey,
I fucked up. I did this, I did this, I
did this. I you know, I'm coming clean. You know,
be a man. I don't care what the fuck you
do in life. If you fuck up, be a man
and fucking admit to it. Don't be a fucking coward.
Don't put your tail between your legs. Don't blame this,

(01:03:57):
blame this point, fingers, do this fucking man up? And
he wrote me a three page letter and it was
just excuses. It was literally I still have the letter.
It's he wrote it in rehab. It's three pages of
just I did this because of this, I did this
because of this, and it was just all. He wasn't
taking any accountability for the of his actions.

Speaker 1 (01:04:18):
So do you believe that he came to those conclusions
because of his ways therapist was helping him realize or
do you believe that Do you believe that his therapists
didn't say you need to apologize for these things, because
that is a part of it.

Speaker 4 (01:04:33):
I think.

Speaker 2 (01:04:36):
I think it was because he was suicidal as well. Yeah,
that he was when when somebody like so every therapy
is kind of different based on your scenario obviously, so
like you know, relationship, you know, therapy, couple's therapy, you know,
just like yeah, therapy just to like talk through life
and trauma, this that and whatever. I think everything's different.

(01:05:00):
Dad's problem was he was not only a drug addict,
but he was also on this like suicidal like edge.
So I think they were very careful on I think
I think they were very careful on how they spoke
to him and what and how aggressive they were with

(01:05:20):
the sessions. So I will admit a little bit like
it's it does come down to the therapist. It does
come into like your situation. But yeah, and it's and
I think it's just to me, it just put like
a salty taste in my mouth because that was that
was my big problem is like, I know, people fuck

(01:05:41):
up and I've done fucked up ship. Like we've all
done fucked up ship at points in our lives. We've
always done like and we're always going to continue to
do fucked up ship. We're humans. We're we're built to
make mistakes to learn, Yeah, built to learn and yeah,
yeah you know for first first podcast shirt. But yeah,

(01:06:04):
I'm trying to think where this even you know went down.
But yeah, it's uh, it's interesting.

Speaker 1 (01:06:10):
So I mean, after your dad wrote you that letter,
you obviously still didn't talk to him for a long time,
and then recently you've opened that door with him. Do
you think that he's grown into his his apology and
moving forward and being a different person. Use even for you,

(01:06:31):
you probably won't even allow that door because that's how
I was with my mom. I'm not even gonna allow
that door to open unless I know there's change.

Speaker 2 (01:06:38):
Yeah. Well, and here's the thing is, like I've opened
that door. But in all honesty, like it's just it's
more of like just a peaceful relationship. Like we're not
close by any means, like like me and him will
chat maybe like once every three weeks or something, you know,
once a month. It's it's a little bit of both. Yeah,

(01:06:59):
I mean there's there's some things, like you know, financially,
he's he's struggling, Like for example, like I have him
on my cell phone plan, so he he's so he
can communicate.

Speaker 1 (01:07:10):
So so is he consistent with his job and things
like that.

Speaker 2 (01:07:15):
So and that's that's kind of the sad part about
all this. So my I don't want to make this
about me by any means, but I'll just kind of
give you the high level.

Speaker 3 (01:07:23):
So.

Speaker 2 (01:07:23):
Yeah, So my family was like a rags to riches
to like rag story. So we grew up like very struggling.
My dad built a multimillion dollar trucking company, big money,
like doing very very well. My dad didn't know how
to handle money, and as the money got bigger, the
problems got bigger, and the drugs got bigger and the

(01:07:47):
partying got bigger, and him just being this outgoing dude
that just took care of fucking everybody.

Speaker 1 (01:07:55):
I say, you say, you say extroverted. I said that
right there.

Speaker 2 (01:07:59):
Oh no, Like it's and that's the thing. I'm gonna
be honest, Like I have to pump the breaks sometimes
because we are very very oh yeah, I like I'm
all gas, no breaks. Like I'm the guy that like,
if we're gonna go out, like Yo, we're fucking going out, yeah,
And we're doing shots, we're doing bottles, we're doing We're like,
we're going out.

Speaker 4 (01:08:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:08:18):
So it's like that's I'm very much like a go
big or go home kind of guy. But it's it's
one of those things where I I think as I
went through my twenties, approaching like or you know, getting
into my thirties, I think I just started to like
really understand like what's important in life, and what's important

(01:08:40):
in life is fucking peace, they always say, And I
think you, you know, you guys can probably agree with
me here. When when a man surrenders, whether it's to
a woman or whether a man surrenders to you know,
whatever situation is going on. It's because they're at peace.
If a woman brings a man peace, a man surrenders.

(01:09:03):
And I think it's just one of those things where
it's like with my dad, it was like okay, like
I'm I want peace in my life, Like if my
dad passes tomorrow, I don't want regret. I don't want
to be like, damn, I wish I would have cameras.
I just wanted to make sure that like, if something happened,

(01:09:25):
I wasn't like damn, I wish I would have made
amends with him.

Speaker 1 (01:09:27):
Yes, yes, you know that's what my do with my Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:09:30):
So it's like you.

Speaker 1 (01:09:32):
Say what you need to say because if anything were
to happen you, you can live with you. You can sleep
at night with you.

Speaker 2 (01:09:38):
Yeah. And and it's funny you say that the sleep
at night because I always say, like I can sleep
at night because I'm okay, Like I've accepted what he did.
I accepted the past. Me and him are like now cool.
He he can finally like it took him years, but

(01:09:59):
he finally was able just to openly communicate and say hey,
I'm sorry, like hey, like I really fucked up, like
and like he tells my mom, Like he's more open
with my mom because because yeah, yeah, so like just
just very like just casually because my mom's the same way.
My mom and dad were high school sweethearts. So when

(01:10:21):
when you have high school sweethearts, like my dad took
my mom's virginity, they will always like bond, yes, Like
they will always have like that bond and connection. So
it's one of those things like as my mom divorced
my dad, Like my mom was with my dad from
the age of like fourteen until freaking you know, mid fifties,

(01:10:42):
like early fifties, so like yeah, like.

Speaker 1 (01:10:45):
Yeah, her whole life.

Speaker 2 (01:10:46):
Yeah, like pretty much her like her entire life. Ye,
So my mom wanted peace with once again I use
the word peace, but it's so true, like she wanted
peace with the situation. And I think it took me
a while. But then as my dad, I could I
could kind of see like, Okay, hey, he's trying to
change his ways, he's trying to get his shit together.

Speaker 1 (01:11:07):
Was become an advocate for that, Like you would talk
to her about how you felt about your dad, and
she would guide you and.

Speaker 2 (01:11:13):
Tell you no. Like it was more along the lines
of like my mom wanted me to make the decision.
My mom wanted me. Like it's it's like my mom
wanted me just to make amends when I wanted to
with my dad. But she knew deep down I would
do it eventually, you know, she knew I would finally
come to my senses one day and be like, okay, hey,
like let's not hold these grudges, like because now it's

(01:11:36):
been hell of years, Like it's been like since my
dad was in like the real thick, messy part of it,
Like I mean went he went to rehab when I
was eighteen. He went to rehab when I was you know,
early twenties, and I'm thirty seven now, so I mean
you're talking you know, fourteen, fifteen, eighteen years, Yeah, you know,
kind of period. So it's like at this point, like

(01:11:58):
it's so far gone on yeah, and and and now
it's and now it's kind of sad, honestly, Like when
when I talked to him, like I'm glad I talked
to him, but I'm gonna be honest, it's it's kind
of depressing because it's like he he built so much,
like you know, and I'm gonna be honest. I did
look up to him because he he took our family

(01:12:19):
from just government assistance. Like I remember making milk with powder,
water and powder from the government. That's my fucking glass
of milk, you know, to a point of like, you know,
a lot, a lot of fucking money. Yeah, So it
just it's like one of those things where I always
kind of looked up to him, and you know, it's
actually kind of sad now he he wants to give me.

(01:12:42):
He only has one asset left to his name. It's
basically this this Harley, this Harley that he bought during
like his fucking his run where the money got so big.
My dad was just buying, like he just he'd buy
this and buy this, like he he like he's he
was buying so much. He and he was high too,
so like you'd buy vehicles. He forgot that he bought

(01:13:03):
vehicles and then someone would like steal the vehicle.

Speaker 1 (01:13:06):
That's a nice problem to have, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:13:07):
And then he'd be like, oh I bought that. Yeah,
well you don't fucking remember that you bought a vehicle.

Speaker 1 (01:13:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:13:16):
Anyway, we're going down a whole rabbit hole here. But
my whole point is is just it's like I think
it's regardless of your past and regardless of what you
went through and the experiences you have with people. Part
of growing and healing, as hard as it is, sometimes
just being able just to accept like it is what
it is, and regardless of those people, at one point

(01:13:37):
in time, that person was somebody in your life. And
because they were somebody in your life, you have to
accept that. You know, hey, that was somebody at one point.
It's not no more. But it doesn't mean it doesn't
mean I need to hate them or not be able
to move forward and have like this grudge.

Speaker 1 (01:13:53):
Yeah, you can love them at a distance. Everybody has
a place in your life, and it doesn't matter if
it's your mom, your dad, a cousin, and a friend,
an old childhood friend. They all end up having They choose, Actually,
they choose where they come into your life. Do you
get what I'm saying? Where they sit in your life.
So based on the boundaries you have and the decisions

(01:14:16):
they make, they choose how close they are to you.
You know what I mean. You can love you can
love them all. You could have different love for them all,
but they choose where they sit.

Speaker 2 (01:14:28):
So you just to kind of get back on track
with your story, and then we'll try to tie up
to like we know where we are today, just kind
of how life's going. So, how do your had your
first one?

Speaker 1 (01:14:42):
Then I was partying like crazy. After about a year,
I got very tired of it just being me and
her all day with your postpartum really hard. My mom
was extremely helpful with like taking care of her, and
it's a little bit difficult. I don't know how much
I want to go into it, but I don't believe

(01:15:05):
I was with the people that I had around was
being told, like I said, that was okay to have postpartum,
And for all the moms out there, it is okay
if you have postpartum, because it doesn't mean you don't
love your baby. It just means a cloud is over
you and you will circle back to it. So just
use your support system and if you don't have one,
therapy or you know, finding the groups that support you.

(01:15:28):
Because you're not a terrible mom and you're not a
bad person for having postpartum. It's a chemical imbalance and
it happens.

Speaker 3 (01:15:37):
But were they making you feel bad or like making
you feel guilty?

Speaker 1 (01:15:40):
They were making me feel like this is how it is.
Maybe you just don't have the bond that everybody has
with their kids, and you know, like like you need
to be there for your child, but you know, we
may have bonds stronger, so we're gonna help take care
of the baby, you know what I mean, Like like

(01:16:02):
maybe you'll just never have that type of bond, Like
maybe our bonds are stronger than yours, if does that
make sense? So I felt like maybe this is how
it's always going to be. So then I had moved
to Idaho with my daughter when she was two, stopped talking,
her dad stopped talking to us, and then I got
pregnant when my daughter was four with my second daughter,

(01:16:23):
and her dad was my best friend since I was
like twelve or thirteen brother, so I grew up with him.
And like when I was talking about like being around
people that made me feel comfortable, their family was one

(01:16:46):
of the families that made me feel like they loved
me being around. I loved being there. I slept over
all the time. It was it was home, I was
home away from home. And I ended up having a
baby with him and had postpartum again when I was
when she was about a year old, I was working

(01:17:08):
at the dairy, working seven days a week, seven days on,
three days off, from six am to six pm. He
was in her life and he worked long hours as well,
and you know, he's a great dad. And after postpartum. Uh,

(01:17:32):
I had a really hard time with the breakup. I
was like, was not about it. I didn't want to
break up. I was like, I was just I really
like at war with everything that was going on in
my life.

Speaker 2 (01:17:44):
Why did you guys break up?

Speaker 1 (01:17:47):
I don't even remember. Yeah, I really don't even remember.
I think that, you know, maybe he didn't view me
as the person that he wanted to be with anymore.
I really I don't. I don't know exactly anymore. It's
been so long. Yeah, but yeah, so we split up
and I had postpartum with her, and so I quit

(01:18:10):
my job working at the Darius, making great money taking
care of my two daughters, and I wanted to tattoo.

Speaker 3 (01:18:21):
So any time before that were you like drawing?

Speaker 1 (01:18:26):
Did you have like, Oh, my goodness, I was drawing
my whole entire life. So my sister is a six
years older than me, and she draws two like. So
we've always since I could pick up a pencil, I've
been drawing, like literally my earliest memories. Like I've always drawn,
always always colored, always drawn, And I think I wanted

(01:18:49):
to become a tattooer. In like six or seventh grade,
my sister, when she went off to college, she started
tattooing her college friends and I was like, damn, I
want to do that. So we would draw sharpie on
each other, me and my sister. Yeah, and she would
do like full sleeves, Like I have pictures of her
doing like full like sharpie sleeves on me.

Speaker 2 (01:19:09):
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:19:09):
That's what I wanted to do. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:19:12):
I always love hearing, especially like I've met so many
tattooers over the years, and I always love hearing like
you know how they got into it, because sometimes it's
like it's like you, it's just they have just always
been passionate about like art and drawing. But then what's
his name from the shop og? Yeah, Polone, Like he

(01:19:34):
didn't start tattooing until he was like and like, is
what I think Mark told me like forties or something.

Speaker 1 (01:19:39):
I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know too much
of pelone story, even though he's yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:19:42):
Well I guess like yeah, so maybe not but I'm
pretty sure Mark, Yeah, it's just later in life. So
I always find it interesting. It's like dang, like you know,
some people just just have always been drawing, and you know,
just it's just naturally comes that they end up. And
some people it's like a hidden talent. I feel that
they don't they don't know they could draw, or their artists, etcetera.

(01:20:06):
And then they just find this tattoo you know, life.

Speaker 1 (01:20:09):
So I never thought that art could be something I
do for long term, like actually, it's what I wanted
to do because, like I said, my sister did it
in college just like dabbled with it. She didn't actually
she ended up becoming a hair stylist. And I remember
my dad telling me and like literally my dad's like
holy girl to me. He could say anything, and I'm like, damn,

(01:20:29):
that's what I got to do, you know what I mean,
Like I always I may not listen, but it sticks
with me. And he told me like in my probably
like nineteen twenty, He's like, I don't know why you
don't do something with your art. And I was like
I thought to myself, like damn, I could do I
could actually do this for real, Like he believes that
I could make a life out of this. And if
he thinks that, then I can do that, you know

(01:20:52):
what I mean?

Speaker 2 (01:20:52):
So when was when was your first like tattoo gig,
Like when did you so, when would you say you
started doing it professional?

Speaker 3 (01:21:00):
When I even before that? Like when did you would
you first start with?

Speaker 4 (01:21:03):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:21:03):
When I first tattooed? So, like I said, I moved
to Idaho when I was back to Mountain Home when
my daughter was too, had my my second daughter, and
when I was it was about twenty one, my kid's
dad bought me my first machine and he he was like,
he's like an artist too, so he could have became
a tattooer, Like yeah, yeah, so like we kind of

(01:21:25):
had that bond a little bit. But I did a
tattoo on myself. You can kind of see it, like
it's like helliscard under there. You see how it's all
lifted right here.

Speaker 5 (01:21:33):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:21:34):
Yeah. So my auntie, my dad's sister, called me Psycho
Sid since I was born, and she's she's crazy Callista
and I'm Psycho Sid.

Speaker 4 (01:21:45):
No Psycho said you ever call her that?

Speaker 1 (01:21:48):
But I am right, I am one.

Speaker 2 (01:21:50):
Psycho said He's gonna start using that Psycho.

Speaker 1 (01:21:56):
No, he's not going to use that because that's how
accurate it, you know what I mean. I don't even
want to dabble with that. Yeah, but yeah, so like
so he bought me my first machine, just like an
Amazon machine and Amazon coil machine. So I tattooed Psycho
sid established in ninety five on myself and that.

Speaker 3 (01:22:15):
Was the first time you ever like that's.

Speaker 1 (01:22:17):
First, yeah, And then this one, this one was so you.

Speaker 2 (01:22:20):
So you not only your first tatt was done by you,
but your first tattoo you ever put on skin was
on your own skin.

Speaker 1 (01:22:30):
The first tattoo I ever got, I was eighteen. I
got it here in Vegas is these three roses on
my shoulder. Okay, that was my first tattoo, got it,
but my first tattoo that So my second tattoo was
this one right here that I ended up covering. And
then this was my third tattoo I ever did it,
says Warrior. And then I have an outline of a
rose right here, and that was my third tattoo.

Speaker 2 (01:22:53):
Got it.

Speaker 1 (01:22:54):
So basically everything I have on my legs, like I
got a shit done on my legs. I did this
when I was on myth and then I did like
I did this when I was on some type of opioid.
I was on like oxies or something. Oh yeah, but
I fucked it up. So there's tons I gotta I
gotta get removed. So fast forward, when I was when

(01:23:16):
my daughter was like one, my second daughter was one,
I started tattooing. Quit my job at the dairy. And
when I was going through my breakup with my my
second daughter's dad, I was having hard time with that.
I was going to the doctor and he suggested, oh
did that die? Okay? He suggested that that maybe I

(01:23:43):
was bipolar, or told me that I could be bipolar,
and so he put me on medication. So when I
was working at the dairy, like the last month of
me working at the dairy, he put me on medication
to stabilize my mood. And come to find out, after
years of therapy, I don't have bipolar. I was just
going through a tumultuous time and I was my emotions

(01:24:06):
were all over the place. So I was on medication
that I didn't have to be on. So I just stopped.
And when I just stopped my medication, what you're not
supposed to do. You're supposed to wean off of it,
which they told me. I didn't listen. I quit my job,
started tattooing, and in my apprenticeship I started doing drugs,
and that's where like the real spiral really started, really started,

(01:24:32):
like having postpartum. And it makes me feel bad as
a mom because you hear a lot of moms.

Speaker 3 (01:24:38):
Yeah, you hear.

Speaker 1 (01:24:40):
Mostly dads that aren't around their kids. You don't really
hear too much of moms being absent. So when I
started using in my apprenticeship, I had gotten kicked out
of the shop I was apprenticing at.

Speaker 2 (01:24:56):
And this was in this is An, Idaho still yep.

Speaker 1 (01:24:59):
So I startedpprenticing in Boise and after tattooing myself and
stuff like, I had went to a few shops trying
to look for an apprenticeship. The first apprenticeship I got
was like a bullshit, It wasn't even a real apprenticeship.
Like my daughter was like very little and like I
was like a little bit. I didn't really believe the

(01:25:21):
guy that was apprenticing me, and so I stopped going
to his shop and kind of learning. And then I
found my true apprenticeship with my mentor that had passed.
He had passed during my drug use. So that's that's
a whole other story that we can get into later.

(01:25:42):
But I went started going to Boise, started apprenticing under him,
and there had been a person that was there all
the time that was a recovering addict, and like we
used to a bunch of us used to sleep at
the shop all the time, like party all the time.

(01:26:04):
So one time I was there and I was passing
out on my work bench because we used to just
sleep on our work bench. Like it's like a common
thing that a lot of a lot of tattooers have
slept at the shop that they work at a couple
of times. It's really homes, really a family, you know
what I mean. People get really close. So I was
going to sleep there. I was drinking, and the person

(01:26:28):
that was frequenting the shop, like, I'd rather keep this
this individual out of the whole thing. But he had
been doing heroin and I was like half half asleep,
you know, drunk, and he had asked me if I
wanted to try it, and I was like, ah, I'm
all right, But then I was like, but what does

(01:26:48):
it feel like? And then he told me and he's like,
you know, do you mind if I smoke in here?
Was like, I don't give a fuck, like you're doing
you I'm chilling, And then he offered it again and
then I said yes, and that that's kind of started
my spiral of my drug use. Dang, Yeah, and mind
you I had a four year old and a one
year old at the time.

Speaker 2 (01:27:06):
Yeah, is it? Is it as bad as they say?
It's like like like once you pop, you can't stop. Yeah,
Like it's it's really one of those things where it's
like you do it one time and you just like
crave it.

Speaker 1 (01:27:19):
Yeah, Like I remember being told because at first I
was addicted to heroin and then next I was addicted
to meth. And the time that I was like in
my drug use was only like a year and a half.
It was like a very short period of time, but
I had lost everything, like everything, My daughters weren't living
with me anymore, like everything was gone. I had no

(01:27:40):
food in my house, like true crackhead shit, Like I
shaved my head. I was like ninety pounds, like like fast.
My whole life fell apart.

Speaker 2 (01:27:50):
And was that do you feel that was like when
you were on meth? That you went like the dis
was the worst.

Speaker 1 (01:27:56):
Ye heroin.

Speaker 2 (01:27:57):
So it's so funny that you say that because is
like we talked about my dad earlier. That's when my
dad completely lost it all was the minute. So it
was up there, especially in Montana, I mean, you know,
like Idaho, but sometimes when drugs get up there, the
ship's been cut so many fucking times. So like my

(01:28:19):
dad started doing you know, the coke was dirty, you
started to do crack, and then like the crack turned
to meth and it was just yep, exactly.

Speaker 1 (01:28:30):
That's usually how it goes. First somebody coke, I think
it had meth in it.

Speaker 2 (01:28:34):
Yeah, you know, so it was like, it's it's interesting
you say that because when I really, like when my
dad was doing just a lot of coke and he
was he was still functioning, working, you know to an extent,
I obviously knew something was like different, and you know,
I knew that the partying was you know, excessive, but

(01:28:54):
it was like the meth. So that's why I was curious.
Is like when you really went off the deep end,
it was math.

Speaker 1 (01:29:00):
H Yeah, So like heroin is also I mean, obviously
both drugs are scary, right, Heroin is scary in the
way that you feel your best but you're at your
worst because it's an opiate. It's it's I don't know

(01:29:20):
what it triggers in the brain, but what it is
is obviously it's it's clearly a what's the pain reliever?
Heroin was created for a sedate or a pain reliever, right,
so you literally feel nothing bad like you feel at
your best. You feel like everything is fine. And and

(01:29:44):
as a heroin addict, when you feel that everything is great,
I promise you, is when you're at your absolute worst.
And that's the fuckery that it causes, because you feel
fucking fantastic, like you're not worried about anything, and.

Speaker 2 (01:29:59):
You don't have to go into d But you know,
you said you're you're like hard. Drug use was only
about a year and a half, but in that year
and a half you pretty much said like you lost everything.
So talked to us a little bit about like that
period and then like how did you get out of it?

Speaker 1 (01:30:20):
So first half was heroin use, last half was Matthews.
In the middle. In my Matthews, I had called my
kid's dad my second daughter. Obviously my first dad wasn't around,
and I said, you know, like I need you to

(01:30:41):
come get her. I'm at a bad place in life,
you know what I mean. I don't even know if
I said that to him. I don't even think I
said that. I think I just said, can you come
get her? And he came right I was at I
was at a hotel. He came there, picked her up
and and he has had her ever since, and with

(01:31:02):
my oldest. She eventually went to go live with my
mom because my sister I didn't know then, but now
she told me she would call my mom because I
would always tell my sister everything. Even in my youth,
I would talk to my sister. We you know, we
were very close, always tell her everything. She would tell
my mom, you need to go get her. Oldest's like,
you need to go get Mela because she is not

(01:31:23):
doing good and enough playing fucking games. Go get her.
My sister's like, if I could, I would, but I can't.
You need to go get her. So eventually my mom
came and she got Mila, and my daughter lived with
her for a year or a year and a half.
So in my Matthews, that's when like the most most fuckery,

(01:31:48):
the worst part of my drug addiction was like my
kid's dad ended up. My second daughter's dad filed for
custody I was. I missed the first court date because
I was high. Second court date I went to, I
didn't even file any paperwork because that was how high
it was, and the judge said, you know what you

(01:32:13):
look like, you're not caring, So I'm going to give
you visitation rights. So all I have for my second
daughter currently is visitation rights, still to this day, still
to this day. But I can't. I literally don't think
I can go too much into it because of what
it is right now. But he was just trying to

(01:32:36):
protect my daughter obviously, like I understand, I'm I'm five
years recovered, but he was trying to protect her in
my drug use. Totally understand me not being around. I
saw her a couple of times, and then it stopped

(01:32:58):
because he was worried about my recovery if I was recovered.
So he still doesn't. I don't know if he thinks
I'm sober now. You know, I don't want to get
too much into it, but I don't have a relationship
with my middle daughter because of what you destroy in
your addiction takes sometimes years and years and years to repair.

Speaker 2 (01:33:19):
Just so, yeah, just as I on you earlier, exactly.

Speaker 1 (01:33:22):
Yeah, So you know, there's there's steps and things that
need to be taken because I don't want to be
away from my daughter and she needs to know, you know,
who I am. And she doesn't know who I am.
She doesn't know I'm.

Speaker 2 (01:33:38):
Her mom because when he took her, she would have
been what just a couple of years.

Speaker 1 (01:33:45):
Old, Yeah, it was he.

Speaker 6 (01:33:47):
She just had her second birthday, two years old.

Speaker 1 (01:33:51):
She's a baby. She doesn't know who I am. She
doesn't even know I'm her mom. So that's as a
woman and as a mother and as a recovering addict,
I do not And that's also part of the reason
why I want to do the podcast, because you do not.
I don't hear stories about recovering mothers that are trying
to mend relationships with their children and still may be

(01:34:15):
living without some of their children. Because now I have
almost twelve year old, almost eight year old, and a
three year old, and so I have a relationship with
my oldest and with my youngest. I'm in their lives
immediately daily. With my middle daughter, she doesn't know who

(01:34:36):
I am. And that's very, very hard to live with
because I may have been five years sober, but in
my addiction I have caused so much slew and turmoil
that it's still living today, you know what I mean?
And how do you live with that as a recovering addict,

(01:34:59):
you know? Yeah, So you can pat yourself on the back,
you can say you've come thus far, but how far
have you come if you haven't repaired relationships with all
of your children, especially because they're still minors that you know,
her dad is still protecting her the best of his ability,
and I commend him from being such an amazing father.
But at a certain point, you know, I pray that

(01:35:21):
we can come together because the more love, the marrier,
and I'm at a place in my life now where
I can add to her life instead of subtract. Yep,
you know and that yeah, and I and I hope
that we get there sooner than later, because we're starting
to get.

Speaker 2 (01:35:34):
To the later because he.

Speaker 5 (01:35:37):
Not want that to happen.

Speaker 1 (01:35:38):
I don't know, do you do?

Speaker 2 (01:35:40):
You know you have any communication with them earlier?

Speaker 1 (01:35:44):
I try, but no. My mom has communication with them,
so she is like the lifeline and she talks to
him or talks to my daughter regularly and they have
a great relationship. It's it's hard. I hope that, like

(01:36:10):
amends comes soon.

Speaker 5 (01:36:11):
Is there at that feels like you're not ready?

Speaker 1 (01:36:15):
No, I'm absolutely ready. I I okay. So when I
first got sober, I contacted a lawyer and they told me,
you know, you should at least have your life change
from what it was when the order was first made,
because a judge won't even won't even open up an
order unless they believe enough time has passed and enough

(01:36:36):
changing has happened to even open up to make changes
in the order. So I wanted to be sober at
least like two years, have my own place, have my
own car, have enough stability, be working at the same
place for a certain amount of time before I even
crack that door open. So automatic, I want to be
at least sober a couple of years before I even
reintroduce myself to my daughter as this recovered, new, better.

Speaker 2 (01:37:00):
Person, because and and how old is she now?

Speaker 1 (01:37:03):
She's about to be eight, about to be eight?

Speaker 2 (01:37:05):
Got you?

Speaker 3 (01:37:05):
So?

Speaker 2 (01:37:06):
Yeah, it's been about what's so so six years?

Speaker 1 (01:37:09):
Yeah, yeah, so six maybe maybe a little bit longer
than that. Actually, yeah, I think she's maybe I don't know.
It's like it literally is a blur.

Speaker 5 (01:37:19):
No.

Speaker 2 (01:37:19):
I mean honestly from when I was like, I obviously
only know you like so much, but you know, I
think you really you really need to be you need
to be easier on yourself because not only is like
recovery hard and it's something that like you have to
face every single day and sometimes like temptations, but dealing

(01:37:42):
with recovery and dealing with like separation from a child
and dealing with that in the back of your head
like that ship's really fucking hard, yeah, you know, and it.

Speaker 1 (01:37:53):
Can eat you alive. Yeah, and it can push you
back into a dition.

Speaker 2 (01:37:56):
I was just gonna say, it's like, I think it
shows your resilience. You're dealing with such a like you're
dealing with such an interesting situation where it's like, damn,
it's like, not only am I dealing with this, you know,
road to recovery and you know I have I have
multiple friends that are sober, and you know, it's it's
a daily fucking challenge. It's like some days are easy,

(01:38:17):
some days like you have temptations, some days like you've
had you have shitty days, and you're almost at like
a fucking breaking point where you're like you want to
just fall back into that.

Speaker 1 (01:38:27):
So yeah, it the reason I think massively why I
started using was I felt that I had such responsibility
and wait on my shoulders. Like when you think about
having a child, a lot of people think about like
how much it's going to cost, the type of you know,

(01:38:49):
stability you maintained financially. The scariest thing about parenthood is
making sure that not only that that child is you know,
healthy and alive, but they are kind, that they're smart,
that they are good people. And I felt that I
was none of those things. So how could I raise

(01:39:10):
children that were of that when I had no self worth?
The self worth in myself was massively lacking that I
was like, there's no way I'm gonna just let you know,
my kid's dad, my mom take care of things because
I'm not good enough. There's no way I could do it.
So I was like, you know what, I'm I just
you know, and I've had my own, you know, bits

(01:39:34):
of trauma in my childhood, so I was like, I'm
just dropping the whole ball. I'm going to drop the
whole ball because I can't do this.

Speaker 2 (01:39:41):
Yeah, no, And I think what makes it even harder.
It's like parenting is already hard as fuck, it's even
more hard when you're doing it solo.

Speaker 4 (01:39:52):
Like could you imagine raising king completely by yourself?

Speaker 2 (01:39:55):
So it's like, so now you're dealing with parenting, not
just parenting in general, but by yourself. Then you layer
in this factor that like it wasn't like you grew
up in this cookie cutter, Brady bunch raw raw fucking
household where everything was rainbows and butterflies. Yeah, you know,
so it's like you didn't really have anything to look

(01:40:17):
up to or model. It was like you were just
trying to figure shit out.

Speaker 1 (01:40:21):
Yeah. Like again it's we may have had a roof overhead,
you know, clothes, food, all these things. Finances wasn't the instability,
it was all the other stuff. I didn't know what
a healthy relationship looked like, the relationship with you know,
my parents growing up, besides my father, but you know,
he was the call on the phone in the visiting

(01:40:41):
during the summertime, was arguing all the time, you know
what I mean. You know, it was a constant fight,
you know, and I was I was a part of
that Obviously I wasn't the best teenager, but then I
had to model that for my children. And that's a
struggle because when you don't have certain because we all
grow up without none of us grow up with everything.

(01:41:05):
Like I've said before, nobody comes out of childhood unscathed,
and we all have our own bits of trauma. So
so the things that we are trying to learn to
be healthy, to have these healthy cycles, when you have
chaotic cycles, it's like telling someone to draw an orange
when they've never seen a fucking orange in their life,
you know what I mean, and then they keep getting

(01:41:28):
it wrong. But when you get it wrong, it damages
human beings, It damages your people, it damages yourself. So
it's like you're under this scope and we've all felt it,
you know in our own ways that if we don't
get it right, it's real fucking damage we're causing. But
we're trying. We're fucking trying, you know, I'm working my
ass off trying, But you know, I dropped the ball

(01:41:49):
sometimes and like in my sobriety, I'll circle back to
like how I got sober, We.

Speaker 3 (01:41:56):
Took a little break, we all used the today. Yeah,
I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:42:01):
Listen, if y'all ever come to Ari at Vegas use
the fucking mid day and makes you stop, Hey, just
make sure you push the stop button because that motherfucker
will squirt on your nutsack, on your butt cheeks, on
your buttthole.

Speaker 1 (01:42:15):
And she was saying he was like, He's like, uh,
you know, you have to press stop or you have
to say stop. And Evan comes out saying, damn that
they didn't stop. He's like, I told you, I told
you got to breast up y.

Speaker 3 (01:42:27):
I think he left the whole messon there.

Speaker 5 (01:42:28):
Bro.

Speaker 3 (01:42:29):
I'm like that this company pushing pressure. The dry feature
though is is.

Speaker 1 (01:42:35):
Is the winner? Just go try hold on.

Speaker 4 (01:42:37):
I'm gonna have to go dry off real quick. It
might still be a little moist down there, all right.

Speaker 2 (01:42:42):
Anyway, back to the podcast, it was back to yeah,
let's get it and cut. Okay, So you're kind of
year and a half spiral with drug abuse. I assume
some alcohol abuse, yeah, like like like a little and everything.
So talk to us about how you kind of came

(01:43:04):
to realization and you know what you did to get
out of that.

Speaker 1 (01:43:11):
After losing everything. My my daughter went to live with
her mom, my oldest, my middle daughter lived with her dad.
I only had visitation rights. My youngest son wasn't born yet,
but I was in the thick of my methews and

(01:43:31):
metthews is Like, I I'm grateful I still can maintain
a conversation like with people, like to be able to
be a mom again, to be able to hold a job,
to be able to you know, have a relationship, I mean,
which is a struggle. Like it it's all a struggle
because when you are using a meth in particular, you

(01:43:57):
lose your fucking marbles and they may not come back.
Like I, Yeah, I had something like you know, you
see like homeless people that like you, they talked to you,
and you're like, what the books did you just say?

Speaker 2 (01:44:09):
That was me?

Speaker 1 (01:44:10):
Like, like I had shaved my head. I was like
ninety pounds. I was in you know, I had no
food in my house. I didn't even have kool aid.
I didn't even have sugar. I had nothing. No you
know what I mean. But like, you know, like what's
in the back of your cabinets, Like think of your

(01:44:32):
mom's house. What's in the back of your cabinets? What
you can count count on? Salting crackers? Fucking uh flour, salt,
kool aid, shit like that, like old boxes of macaroni
and cheese. Nothing. Everything was gone. I learned. I learned
how to make tortillas in my drug use because all
I had was flour and water and salt and that's

(01:44:53):
all you need. Like that's what I was eating was
tortillas and crazy and yeah, so I had nothing in
my house. My house was a complete mess. Gratefully, I
was living in Section eight, and in the particular apartments
I was living in, you only had to pay a
third of what you were making. And I didn't have

(01:45:14):
a job, so I didn't have to pay anything. So
I thankfully still had a roof over my head. But
I wouldn't have had that if I wasn't if I
had never applied for Section eight in the first place.
So excuse me, sorry, My house was a mess, like
I'm usually like very clean. I've I've relaxed on it

(01:45:35):
a lot since, like further into my recovery, because I
used to have always you like crazy, like you wouldn't
even be able to tell I had kids, because I
would make sure I put the toys away right after
they were done playing with them. Like my house was
always super clean. My manager there used to tell me,
you know, so many apartments here are all fucked up
because there's so many addicts that I lived around, and

(01:45:58):
I became an addict too, So I used to use
with all my neighbors. And she would always tell me
before I started using, like like whenever, we love doing
the inspection in your house because your house is always
clean and it's so easy. And then my manager told me,
like when I was using, she knew that something was
wrong because she was actually recovering recovering addict as well.

(01:46:18):
She's like, I knew something was up because your house
was fucking terrible, Like like I had clothes everywhere, like
mounds of dirty clothes and no food, and like my
light bulbs were missing because I was using light bulbs
to fucking smoke drugs out of and like, yeah, I was.
It was terrible, and you you look around and you

(01:46:42):
have to realize, or you do realize, at some point
is this as good as it gets. That's that's where
I came to terms with where I was at with
my life.

Speaker 5 (01:46:53):
Even in that low point, you had that.

Speaker 1 (01:46:56):
Thought, I have to commend my father and like like
you know my parents or you know my support for
that because even though there was a tumultuous relationship with
my mom and you know, love my dad and everything.
You know, my mom used to always tell me how
beautiful I was and how smart I was, and you know,

(01:47:18):
my dad too, and like, you know, my sister's like,
you know, you're too pretty to be living like this,
and you know what I mean, shit like that that
even though I didn't have any self worth, it was
in there summer. You know, I have to thank God
for that too. You know, I do believe in God,
and there was something speaking to me and not just
the shadow friends. You know when I was on a

(01:47:40):
sick one, because I did hear shit, Yeah I won
herd shit. Yeah, I was hallucinating like a motherfucker. I
was off my rocker and I and I didn't know
if my marbles were going to come back, because that's
how fucked up I was. Somebody told me when I
was in my Matthews that You're going to be the
person that loses their fucking sanity but comes back, and
that is what happened. So I looked around and I

(01:48:02):
was like, my kids aren't around at my house is
a mess. I'm a mess, fucking super skinny, like no hair.
You know, I was making wigs. I was making wigs
and I was uh with like like tracks and like
I don't know how to explain it to you, but
like like like I was trying to sew my own

(01:48:23):
wigs together to try to look normal and be normal,
and like around town, like I would hear people talk
about me like damn, every time we see her, she
just get skinnier and skinnier, like like she's And that's
the town that I like partially grew up in, right,
So all these people that were your friends, nobody talks
to you anymore. Everyone thinks you're fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 (01:48:44):
And and your new friends you think are your friends,
but they're just people you use with.

Speaker 1 (01:48:49):
Yes, And that's what I when you're running the streets,
that's the love in the streets.

Speaker 5 (01:48:57):
Almost, it's that the acceptance.

Speaker 1 (01:48:59):
Right, It's it's the acceptance exactly. It's that you could
be at your fucking worst and they're at your they're
worse too, and no one's pointing the finger at you.
They may be pointing a motherfucking gun at you, but
they're not pointing a finger at you telling you to
do better. You can be at your motherfucking worst and
we can all avoid everything, the trauma that you've been

(01:49:22):
battling since you were a child or whatever. You don't
have to face it. You could forget about it. You
could mask it. You could uh kick it down, you
know what I mean. You can bury yourself even deeper.
And that I loved. Yeah, I never wanted the party
to end. I never wanted it to end when I

(01:49:42):
was sitting with my homeboys and my homegirls and just
kicking it and you know, getting fucked up and doing
drugs and you look around, you're all you're all there together.

Speaker 2 (01:49:54):
And and time is irrelevant.

Speaker 1 (01:49:56):
Huh oh, my goodness, time is so fucking irrelevant. I
remember I told my mom a text her back and
a week had gone by.

Speaker 5 (01:50:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:50:02):
Like literally, it's like like you like, it's a blur.
It's genuinely a blur.

Speaker 2 (01:50:08):
It's so funny you say that, because I'd like, as
you're talking through all this, I can relate to it
so much because I always thought it was very weird
where it's like, you know how you are, so you're
talking about like cleanliness, how you were like super clean,
super organized all those things, when you really got deep
into the drugs, all those behaviors and all those habits

(01:50:28):
went completely out the window. Yeah, and it's like I
I watched that with my dad, Like yeah, so like
I seen my dad's like work ethic and just like
his traits and his cleanliness and all these things. Like
everything you're saying was exactly like like what happened with him.
He got super sloppy, super messy. And that was the

(01:50:49):
big reason why sometimes he would forget, he'd forget to
come home, and or he would forget to contact certain
people because of just what I said. Time when you're
when you when you're an addict, time is irrelevant. You
don't know if it's been fifteen minutes or fifteen fucking hours,
literally like it's doesn't and sometimes it's days go by

(01:51:12):
before you're like, oh.

Speaker 1 (01:51:13):
Weeks, I'm telling you weeks. Yeah, Like days and hours
are like the amount of projects you start in twenty
four hours, Like you do a good bump of Mathah,
you're up for three days. Time is irrelevant. You are irrelevant?

Speaker 3 (01:51:30):
Good, No, is that how you do that?

Speaker 5 (01:51:31):
Is it?

Speaker 1 (01:51:32):
Like it's like I never injected it, I snorted.

Speaker 3 (01:51:35):
It, gotcha.

Speaker 2 (01:51:36):
Everywhere's different ways yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:51:38):
Well, yeah, and there's even more ways than that. We
don't need to get into that.

Speaker 2 (01:51:43):
How to use math.

Speaker 1 (01:51:46):
Yeah, but yeah, there's you know, there's many ways. It's yeah,
so I would oh, oh yeah, I smoked it lots.
Actually I totally forgot about that part. Yeah, like a lot.
But yeah, like, and I'm sure if you weren't familiar
with being an addict yourself, and you are a son,

(01:52:07):
you know, watching your parents use, or knowing that something's
going on, you don't actually recognize the science. I didn't
know I was an addict until I got sober. I
didn't know. I my idea of an addict was a
homeless person.

Speaker 4 (01:52:23):
Yeah, I didn't.

Speaker 1 (01:52:24):
I didn't think of addiction that you could still have
clothes and you could still have a roof over your head,
you know.

Speaker 2 (01:52:31):
And during all this were you were you still doing
like tattoo shop apprentice stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:52:37):
I feel really terrible about it because my mentor had
gotten murdered during my drug use, and restis soul love
him to death. But I did him wrong because I
was using in his shop after hours and he eventually
kicked me and the person I was using with out

(01:52:58):
of the shop, and the people that I surrounded myself
with in my drug use, like was basically like monitoring
my phone. So you know, I had somebody like you're
everyone's paranoid, right, So someone was going through my phone
all the time and deleting my messages and stuff. And

(01:53:20):
my mentor was actually messaging me before he passed, and
he was telling me that he wants me to get
back to tattooing. He would send me pictures of his tattoos,
and yeah, he would send me pictures of his tattoos,
and he would be like like like, you're fucking up.
You need to be out here doing this shit. Like

(01:53:41):
when I started my apprenticeship with him, he was like
like he's like the people that you know have worked
that I have apprentice like go off to be amazing
tattooers like I haven't. He felt that he had an
eye for picking people with true talent, and he was like,
I want you to be my last apprentice, and I
want my last apprentice to be a fem well, and

(01:54:02):
I actually was his last apprentice because you know he passed.

Speaker 3 (01:54:05):
Yeah, so.

Speaker 1 (01:54:07):
I felt I I hold a lot of guilt because
I felt I didn't do him justice.

Speaker 2 (01:54:12):
But I look at you today, I know.

Speaker 1 (01:54:16):
Yeah, and I try to carry on. Someone told me
that to pray to pay homage to your mentor sometimes
is holding on to a bit of their technique obviously,
and that gets passed down. So I tried to hold
onto a couple of little things that he used to
do in like my in my work to pay homage

(01:54:38):
to him.

Speaker 5 (01:54:40):
But yeah, just being a successful Yeah that's what I was.

Speaker 3 (01:54:44):
And I'm sure he'd be so proud of you right
now if you know, five years sober and how you
know far you've gone and you're only thirty.

Speaker 1 (01:54:52):
Yeah, you know, I mean I think so. He was.
He was, you know, an amazing dope artist. He had
plenty of awards, you know he I have a lot
of respect for him, Yeah, and I always will. And
the way that he passed was very traumatic. And yeah,

(01:55:13):
like me being in my use, Like I remember the
first time I used, and he was so fucking mad
at me. He was like, I don't know who the
fuck you think you are, Like you need to not
be doing this shit. This is not somebody that I
want to be like on my team to be doing
this shit, like you know, drink and do whatever. But
the fuck you're doing doing drugs, you know what I mean?
Like he was so disappointed, and I, you know, I

(01:55:35):
continued it. Drugs really got a hold of me, and
I let it really get a hold of me. So
when he kicked me out of his shop, like I
was even I was even oblivious. Then when he kicked
me out of the shop, I had no idea why.
I was like, what the fucking is? Because the person
I was with was causing even more fuckery than I
was aware of, So I wasn't aware of it. And uh, yeah,

(01:55:57):
I I wish that I hadn't been in my drug
use period obviously, but not even I wish I could
have seen the messages that he sent me because he's
no longer with us. I wish I could have like
seen the messages that he used to send me to
try to give me like hope to get back into it.

Speaker 2 (01:56:18):
You know. Yeh talk to us about the period where
the light bulb came on and you were like, Okay,
it's like it's time to get my shit together, Like
I can't live like this anymore. Was there something that
happened that like triggered you to like that week to
like get clean.

Speaker 1 (01:56:41):
That week that a week after he was killed, I
got so and do you I don't know if you
guys believe in like omens or signs from God and
stuff like that. And I swear it was you know him,
you know, telling me, like you need to get your
fucking shit together, like enough is enough. I swear You're
gonna die doing this shit, you know what I mean?
And yeah, like that week, I got sober, but again

(01:57:05):
there was I had nothing to show for. I knew,
you know that there had to be more to life
than this. There was no more sunshine. The sun may
have been shining, yeah, but there was no sunshine in
my life. There was a cloud. And I was depressed
and I was sad. And the party ended. The party
ended a long time ago, and because time didn't exist,

(01:57:26):
I didn't realize it until months later. Like no one
was kicking it anymore, No one was partying like we were.
Like I would have like parties all the time, and
like everyone would just kick it again. I lived in
an apartment complex. Everybody would use together. If you were
out of shit, you go upstairs. If you were out
of shit, you go downstairs, you go shit, you go
next door. You know what I mean and so like

(01:57:48):
you also couldn't get away from it. You know, I
try to get sober multiple times, and I just couldn't
get away from it because you know, I'd be like,
nobody come over, like I'm trying to clean my shit up,
and then someoneuld be knocking on the door like hey,
you want to smoke with me? Or you know this
and that, and it was very hard to get away from.
So yeah, like the party was over and what I

(01:58:13):
loved so much wasn't around anymore. Nobody was kicking it,
nobody was chilling, like nothing was happening anymore.

Speaker 2 (01:58:21):
You know what what was that? Because like some of
them moved out or.

Speaker 1 (01:58:25):
Did they just a lot of them went to jail.

Speaker 2 (01:58:27):
Yeah, I was gonna say I got in trouble or something.

Speaker 1 (01:58:29):
Yeah, a lot of them went to jail. They were
on a sick one themselves, you know, paranoid and you know,
fucked up. And I was nobody wanted to be around
me because I was so paranoid all the time, like
I swear the cops are gonna get me. Like I
was listening to the radio, like you can download an

(01:58:51):
app on your phone and listen to the police radio
and like I would just stay on that motherfucker and like,
you know, like look out the window. Like one time
I hit in my couch. I inside my couch because
I didn't have the there was no ligning on the
inside of my couch, and I thought there were there
there there there had been people staying at my house,
and so I had all the lights off. And you know,

(01:59:13):
the apartment complex I lived at, cops were frequenting a lot.
Like even before I started using, I was living at
that same apartment complex, and I would get pulled over
living in my apartment complex because it was a hot
place to be. So they had you know, searched my
my vehicle with with dogs and shit, trying to look
for drugs. Even before I started using, I was like
the fuck, but it just was because of where I lived,

(01:59:36):
And so I was always you know, paranoid, hiding in
my fucking couch and shit. So it was time. It
was it was time. Oh and I had also gone
to a psychiatric ward in my drug use because I
tried to take my own life. And like again the
party was over and and and I was close to

(01:59:57):
feeling like that again, so I had to do something. Yep,
So I had called my sister and I told her
I'm ready, and she always told me, like, when you're ready,
I'm down to help you. But until you're ready, there's
nothing I can do for you, you know what I mean.
So I called her and I said, please come get me,
and so she called my dad, and my dad sent
her some money to get a plane ticket and to

(02:00:18):
take a U haul back and I took everything that
I could in the small amount of time, and we
drove back to Washington where she lived. And that's how
I got sober. And I used that morning and never
used drugs again. I had. I had continued to drink,
but I never felt like alcohol was my drug of choice.

Speaker 2 (02:00:37):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (02:00:37):
So I still continue to drink, but after about like
maybe nine months, I had completely stopped drinking as well.

Speaker 5 (02:00:45):
It's awesome.

Speaker 3 (02:00:46):
Yeah, did you so that morning, Like did you go
to uh, did you go to like do you want
to rehab?

Speaker 5 (02:00:53):
You just did a cold turkey? Yeah, look at you.

Speaker 1 (02:00:56):
Yeah, but I'm moving. I feel like I can't even
I feel like I can take all the credit for it,
even though I did it because I moved. Yeah, I
commend people that have, like I know, tattooers that have
gotten sober and still work in the same motherfucking place

(02:01:17):
they used to use drugs at, you know what I mean,
and they're still sober, like ten years sober. And I'm
like that that I have a lot of respect for
because I left. And when you're in a small town,
I swear a cartel takes a hold of that motherfucker
or something like that, because everybody was using, like everybody

(02:01:38):
was on drugs, you know what I mean. There's a
small I felt like there's a small community in a
small community that's sober, most people are high, most people
are addicts. And so I had to leave. And my
daughter still lives there, you know, with her dad, same town,
you know, and I'm very grateful, you know, for them
for keeping it solid.

Speaker 2 (02:02:00):
When so, I that's impressive. So you you used the
morning that you left, and that the whole time you
were in Washington, like you never once relapsed or did
you ever have Like.

Speaker 1 (02:02:13):
I just drank. I would drink beer or whatever.

Speaker 2 (02:02:16):
But like got you so, like I'm assuming when you
kind of need to like get that edge off where
you used to maybe use, you just drink.

Speaker 1 (02:02:23):
I didn't even think about it.

Speaker 2 (02:02:24):
That way, gotcha.

Speaker 1 (02:02:26):
My sister bought me a little like bait pen, like
like weed, and I get super paranoid smoking weed, so
I really tried. Wheat is not my thing. So that's
the kind of thing that I tried to like stick
to a little bit, which is smoking weed, especially because
it was legal in Washington. But that shit paranoid the
fuck out of me because in Idaho weed i legal.
So moving to Washington, like my neighbors would be like, hey,

(02:02:48):
can I buy a you know, an eighth off of
you because my sister and her husband would smoke a
lot and he would have a lot of weed. So
my sisters be like, yeah, that's fine, Like we're down
for that. And I would be like, you give me
five hundred bucks a take, We're good. Just like relax,
it's legal here. I'm like, but you know what I
mean it just like.

Speaker 3 (02:03:09):
I was so cigarettes nothing, Oh.

Speaker 1 (02:03:12):
Yeah, cigarettes big time.

Speaker 3 (02:03:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:03:14):
I don't I don't smoke. I don't smoke nicotine anymore,
but I did vape recently, like you know, just like
a vape pen.

Speaker 3 (02:03:20):
Because like I've just met a lot of people that
you know, they there's this thing it's called transfer of addiction,
you know, so sometimes like you know, I know people
that are like would do meth o here, and like
they play poker, like that's kind of like their thing,
you know. Or like a lot of times it's like alcohol,
weed or like cigarettes, but it's usually like serious is
like I mean, it's not really anything crazy something like that.

Speaker 1 (02:03:41):
Yeah, absolutely, you get addicted to something else you have to.
Like right now, I'm grateful that it's an addiction, but
it's you still are refining yourself as an addict constantly.
Right now, it's tea and cookies. I mean, it's crazy
that I can say.

Speaker 3 (02:04:04):
Cookies.

Speaker 1 (02:04:05):
No, no, no, Like I don't know if you've ever
had they're called palmers. They shaped like a heart and
they're like flaky, I don't think, So okay, you have
to have them. They're my favorite. I don't I'm not
a cookie person, but they're my favorite right now. But
like that's because I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, and I
don't smoke like a nicotine pen a vape or whatever.

(02:04:27):
Like I need something and it pisses me off that
I need something, but I need something, so right now
it's tea and cookies. Like if I don't have how
many cups of coffee cups of tea do I drink?
Like at least ten? At least ten?

Speaker 2 (02:04:40):
Like that's crazy.

Speaker 1 (02:04:42):
Yeah, like I need my tea and specific anything that
says calming or relaxing. So camel meal or like earl grade,
like decaffeinated I love, but like a camel meal, roast
petal tea or something is like my ship because I
have eight like a motherfucker. So anything to wind me down,

(02:05:05):
I'm down.

Speaker 2 (02:05:05):
For so, so to put to put some timestamps on
a couple of things here, So, uh, you would have
moved to Washington? And what year?

Speaker 5 (02:05:16):
The year or how old are you or how old
were you?

Speaker 1 (02:05:20):
I think it was twenty uh see, I don't even
know the year got sober, but I know the date
obviously October twenty seventh, and I'm five years sober.

Speaker 5 (02:05:27):
So this October will be six.

Speaker 1 (02:05:30):
This October will be six years. Twenty four yeah, yep, yeah,
twenty three.

Speaker 2 (02:05:36):
Twenty three, twenty four, got you so? Twenty nineteen then, yeah,
the year that COVID happened or so twenty or so
twenty twenty eighteen nineteen, twenty twenty eighteen, twenty I guess
it would have been twenty October.

Speaker 1 (02:05:50):
Yeah, yeah, October October twenty nineteen.

Speaker 2 (02:05:54):
October twenty nineteen would be six years in this October.

Speaker 1 (02:05:58):
Okay, whoever knows math better?

Speaker 2 (02:06:02):
Right, yeah, right before COVID. October before COVID, right, okay.

Speaker 1 (02:06:06):
October before COVID because my sister was very anal about
staying inside and I was a fresh out of sobriety.
I mean, drug use, smallfucker, and the ain't no way
you're keeping my ass home. My daughter was still living
with my mom, and obviously my middle daughter is still
with her dad. So it was just me and so
my sister when COVID hit. Actually, to run it back

(02:06:30):
a little bit, I started working tattooing a week after
I got sober. I said, it's yeah, I said, it's
time to get straight into my my my career. It's
time to lock in on like finishing my apprenticeship. So
I finished an apprenticeship at a shop in Washington, and
like I didn't really need to do an apprenticeship, but
like you know, just yeah, like just getting my license basically.

(02:06:55):
So I got my license like fucking a couple of
months after getting sober. But I started working a week
after I got sober, and I, you know, I was
still off my rocker, like I wasn't as I have
the clarity that I have now, Like I was, like
I bought my clothes at the thrift store and they
ain't no shame there. I fucking love flannels from a
third story. But you know what I mean. Uh, I

(02:07:19):
wasn't all there yet. I was still causing a lot
of chaos. And I still caused chaos in my life
today that I have to work on. But I started
tattooing one week after getting sober in a shop in Washington,
and I've been tattooing ever since.

Speaker 5 (02:07:33):
I love that.

Speaker 2 (02:07:35):
So how did you end up? So we're obviously in
Vegas right now, talk to us about this gap. So
COVID itself was interesting time talk to us about I.

Speaker 1 (02:07:48):
Made the most money during COVID. Let me tell you what, Sobriety,
yeah fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:07:52):
Well, I mean I'm assuming people were bored as hell.
Probably they had nothing to do, but your buck get tattooed.

Speaker 1 (02:07:57):
Uh, most tattooers here weren't tattooing because I mean, you know, tattooers,
they're not going to listen to rules. But most tattooers
weren't a lot of tattoos weren't and didn't have a
place too because all the shops got shut down. So Vegas.
I've been coming here since two thousand and two, since
my uncle and my auntie, my cousins moved here. So
since I was like six years old, I've been coming

(02:08:18):
to Vegas. And finally during COVID, I was making the
most money. I was doing a bunch of house calls.
But my sister was like, you're not going to be
staying with me if you're gonna be here here and
there while we're having this whole shit happened. So if
you're going to be all out and about, you can't
stay here, you know what I mean. I was like, well,

(02:08:40):
you're not putting a leash and chain on me. Fuck that.
So I left. So I contacted my cousins here in Vegas,
and I was like, hey, you know, you got any
friends or you know somebody that know people that want
to get tattooed. My cousins were like, fuck yeah, cousin,
come here, like come here for a week and like
tattoo all my friends and shit. So that's why I did.

(02:09:01):
I came here and I had so much client tell
that I stayed oh yeah, wow here ever since.

Speaker 2 (02:09:09):
So so you literally booked like a what a one
way flight out to Vegas and you haven't left since.

Speaker 1 (02:09:13):
I haven't left since. I stayed with my auntie and
my uncle. And they were a little bit upset about
it because my cousin and I just like sprung it
on them, like like so because I've lived all over.
My childhood home is my auntie and my uncle's house.
They've had that house since I was six years old.
The one here, wow, So that is is home for

(02:09:37):
me and my cousins because they have had the most
stability out of my mom's side of the family. And
I love that home and I still go to that
home to this day. And that's where I lived when
I moved here. When I lived here, so I told
my auntie like me and my cousin were like hey,
Like my cousin was living with my auntie and uncle

(02:09:58):
at the time too. She's uh, three years younger than me,
and so we're like, hey, you know, sid just gonna
come visit for like a week. And then something says something.

Speaker 4 (02:10:11):
Oh, that one's still on too, Okay, perfect.

Speaker 1 (02:10:19):
So yeah, So my auntie and uncle were like like
like what, like, you're just gonna spring on us that
you know she's coming to visit? Like they love me.
I love them, but you know, I moved in my
whole ass moved in with my uncle my auntie. I
never left, so I lived with them for a while
and then eventually I got my own apartment. And I

(02:10:43):
had worked at a few different shops for clean Uh
and I worked for him for a long time, so
that that set me up for for how well I've
been doing. But I did. I did great in my apprenticeship.
I mean not in my apprenticeship when I first moved
here after COVID hit, Yeah, because everyone was trying to

(02:11:07):
get tattooed and no one had anybody.

Speaker 3 (02:11:08):
So, yeah, does Vegas feel like this is like kind
of well, out of this entire story? Is this six
years I've been.

Speaker 1 (02:11:17):
Here, I've been here almost six years now, I think
I don't I don't know all.

Speaker 3 (02:11:22):
The time I'm telling you this, but it sounds like
that's the longest period of time that you've been like
in one spot.

Speaker 5 (02:11:31):
Yes, how does that make you feel.

Speaker 1 (02:11:34):
That I'm finally starting to get something right?

Speaker 5 (02:11:37):
Yeah, see that's good.

Speaker 3 (02:11:39):
The worry that I had was that you were going
to be like you almost get antsy because you're not
used to that. Yeah, I'm sure that happens sometimes.

Speaker 4 (02:11:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:11:45):
Like actually that was a conversation that me and my
husband had when we got together. He was like, my
worry is that you're just dropping in, flying through, you
know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (02:11:55):
Like like is this going to be to rent a husband?

Speaker 1 (02:11:58):
Like you just drop in and then you're you're out again,
Like you know, it's this a place that you want
to stay? Is this where you want to be? And yeah,
this is this is where I'm choosing to plant my
roots for my children and for myself because that's what
my dad. Again, my dad's like my holy girl, he
told me when I moved here. He's like, all right,
stop no more, plant your fucking feet in the ground,

(02:12:19):
plant your roots and stop going everywhere. You've been everywhere enough,
like you've moved enough with your kids, Like it's time
to just lock in. So that's what I'm doing. But
I still create chaos today.

Speaker 5 (02:12:31):
Like it's.

Speaker 1 (02:12:38):
It's it's.

Speaker 3 (02:12:44):
I like self sabotage.

Speaker 1 (02:12:47):
Absolutely, Yeah, So creating different like difficult situations for myself,
you know, and not uh, putting myself first in the
sense where I put myself in tough situations or I
make things harder for myself, or you know, like maybe
even just simply being argumentative, like with my partner, you

(02:13:10):
know what I mean, like creating chaos. Like when you
go up with that, that's like your instinct, like your switch,
it's it's.

Speaker 3 (02:13:18):
It feels normal.

Speaker 5 (02:13:19):
Yeah, yeah, this is supposed to sprinkle a little bit.

Speaker 1 (02:13:21):
Of yeah, exactly.

Speaker 5 (02:13:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:13:24):
I think it goes back to I use the word
peace a lot earlier, and I think when you didn't,
when you don't go up, when you don't grow up
around peace or used to that, or just around like healthy,
good relationships, good communication, all that kind of stuff. It's
whether or not you mean to or don't mean to whatever.

(02:13:47):
It just it's not something that you're used to. So
it's like I feel sometimes like we we try to create,
you know, similar scenarios like we're used to to make
us feel comfortable, but like in reality, it's not what
we want.

Speaker 3 (02:14:00):
Sometimes you almost like reject the piece.

Speaker 2 (02:14:04):
You reject the piece where it's like it's like although
you know what you're doing is not right it's just
you kind of like the thrill of it or something.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (02:14:12):
Yeah, no, it is. But my therapist would tell me
you are comfortable in fear, and I'm like, what the fuck?
I hate fear. I hate being scared. I hate being uncomfortable,
and he's like, no, you do because when you're under pressure,
you know yourself in that fear, so you create environments

(02:14:34):
that keep you under pressure because you can predict what
that environment is like because you know it, yeah, and
you know how to get out of it. But you're
also comfortable in it. So you continue to create those
situations and they may get less chaotic than it has been.
Because for me, it's like I always have this wall

(02:14:55):
to bounce off of as long as I'm not on drug,
as long as you know, I have a roof for
my head. My kids are in school, they're fed, you know,
like I'm working, I'm keeping my house clean. I have
all of these standards for myself that even if I'm
not at my best, I'm not at my worst, and
that is my new worst. It's like you hit a
new plateau, right, so you're failing forward, right, So I

(02:15:20):
hit a new level of standard that I have to
uphold so I don't drop down to this level because
if I drop down to it, like you know, if
I don't keep my house clean for a week, like
and it doesn't even have to be as clean as
it used to be when I was super OCD, because
that's another level of learning. You want to be better
than you were yesterday. And I'm very hard on myself.

(02:15:42):
I'm a perfectionist. I'm a tattooer, right, so I already
am trying to be picture perfect, not just in my
art form but in my life. And that is a
recipe for disaster. So it's constantly trying to refine yourself,
you know what I mean. And it's fucking difficult because
I create and crave chaos.

Speaker 2 (02:16:00):
Still well, and I think you're you're trying to create
your new normal, you know, because normal normality like this,
this whole life you lived for so many years, it's
obviously the ass backwards, a fucking normal. Now it's like
your life is, you know, it's a whole brand new chapter.
It's almost like a whole new book. You know that

(02:16:20):
you're not only closed the previous one, but you're writing
a new one and with a used before exactly. You
know what I mean, So how do I use it exactly?

Speaker 4 (02:16:30):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (02:16:31):
Yes, yeah, So let's I think a good place to
maybe end this would be like, you know where you
are today. So obviously got through COVID, got through COVID.

Speaker 1 (02:16:47):
You had my my third child three years ago.

Speaker 2 (02:16:54):
Okay, so so you were in Vegas for a couple
of years. You would have made in Vegas to three
years or so, and then you had your oldest, my youngest, yeah,
our youngest.

Speaker 1 (02:17:05):
Yeah, yeah, I have my youngest. So I got two girls,
one boy, and yeah, so I had my my youngest
and yeah, I mean things have been pretty leveled out
like since I mean obviously still fighting chaos and stuff
like that. Yeah, but not anywhere I used to be.
And like you had asked me but I never answered

(02:17:28):
for like getting through addiction, like still desiring and stuff
I actually don't desire too much, Like I have dreams
or like phantom smells like I can smell meth sometimes
I'm like disgusting, or like like if I smell vinegar
or barbecue sauce that reminds me of heroin, I'm like

(02:17:48):
it's nasty.

Speaker 3 (02:17:49):
Yeah, And.

Speaker 1 (02:17:52):
So I have like these phantom smells and stuff, but
like I don't necessarily create it too much. I wish
that I could like smoke weed like a normal person,
like you know, in high school, like you know, when
you just have a good time, But I can't. You know,
that's not who I am anymore, and that's not who
I necessarily want to be. And when I think about alcohol,
like I don't ever want to have a hangover, so

(02:18:13):
I don't really care to even think about drinking either,
like like I'll have like a like a virgin Micha
Lada or something, And that's the closest thing I get,
you know what I mean, or like with.

Speaker 3 (02:18:26):
But it's not even like with like withholding yourself from it.
It's just you just simply like don't want it.

Speaker 1 (02:18:30):
No, Yeah, I don't care for it because I am honestly,
thank you. Yeah, I'm just too afraid to lose my
kids again and to lose myself again and to have
to start from a whole different barrel that I do
not want to dig myself out of, you know what
I mean, Like with drugs, Like I'm fucking cool, Like
sometimes I guess the closest thing I would ever get
to is like in the past, not any time recently,

(02:18:55):
but like far in the past, I would be mad
at myself I didn't do more drugs, yeah, because now
I can't and I won't. So I wish I would
have done more than so that I could have really
got the use out of it. Like I wish I
would have popped another pill, or I wish it would
have took another hit, like you know what I mean.

Speaker 5 (02:19:13):
But like.

Speaker 1 (02:19:15):
I love my kids and I'm grateful that I could
be there for them, Like my son is my boy.

Speaker 3 (02:19:22):
That is my boy.

Speaker 1 (02:19:24):
Like yeah, and like he looks just like me, and
he's such an awesome, amazing like all my kids they're
they're all amazing. And and I want to repair my
relationship with my daughter and figure out how to mend
those things. And you know, in time that will come
because I'm never going to give up on my kids.

(02:19:44):
I'm never going to give up on having a relationship
with them. I'm never going to give up facing those things.
Like my daughter knows, my oldest daughter knows that I
was an addict, and I tell her, you know, you
need to be mindful because if you come from an addict,
it's more likely that you'll be an addict. It's in
your blood. It's in your fucking dear name, you know
what I mean. And things that are mental illnesses that

(02:20:05):
are dormant. Did you know that under eighteen if you
used before you're under eighteen, you can activate like bipolar
and things like that.

Speaker 5 (02:20:14):
My brother had that.

Speaker 3 (02:20:15):
Yeah, we have different dads, but he's schizophrenic.

Speaker 5 (02:20:20):
Wow. Came out when he was like sixteen really from uh.

Speaker 3 (02:20:24):
He wasn't doing like in Chicago was everything's at all
type of hard drugs, but like it was his he's
thirty eight, this fuck like you no, but he was
doing a lot of like just like just like weeding
and mushrooms, yeah, and like acid, so all of that.

Speaker 1 (02:20:40):
Yeah, it can trigger it.

Speaker 3 (02:20:41):
I remember he would be like sixteen and he'd just
wake up fucking screaming and we're like really but I
was nine, not even I don't know.

Speaker 1 (02:20:49):
So how does that affect your guys' relationship today? Like
is he severely schizophrenic? Is he on medication?

Speaker 3 (02:20:55):
As of course?

Speaker 5 (02:20:56):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (02:20:58):
No, I mean so he he robbed the bank, so
he was away for like fifteen years and.

Speaker 1 (02:21:02):
Then at what age did he rub a bank? He's
twenty wow, And so he now is institutionalized on top
of that.

Speaker 3 (02:21:10):
Yeah, so he like got like diagnosed finally, like five
years in that and then but before that he like
attacked the nurse, so they added time. Yeah, and then
you know, so just all that type of shit. So
the last like three years that he was in there,
actually no, probably more because he got out last year.
But before that, like we were in like Chicago. He

(02:21:32):
was like four and a half hours away, and over there,
it's like you can't do like now I think you
can just like FaceTime.

Speaker 1 (02:21:37):
It was a version of that, He's not fucking crazy.

Speaker 5 (02:21:39):
It's crazy over there.

Speaker 3 (02:21:41):
We'd have to drive, you know, three four hours, and
then you wouldn't even get to see him. It was
like a screen that was this fucking big and you
have to pick up a phone. Yeah, so it'd be
like we'd go do that, and then he was like
he was just like not taking his medication. Sometimes wouldn't
even come out, and it's just like I just felt
for my parents, like we just drove for hours and
they want to see you, and they put money in.

(02:22:03):
You know. What's crazy is that when he was when
I was younger, I didn't really we didn't really have
a relationship because he's eight years older than me. He
was never home. He was like in gangs at that
time over there. So you know, I just never really
like had that, Like I don't have any memories of
me and him being together because we weren't. And you know,

(02:22:24):
I kind of I didn't really resent that, but I
didn't really feel like I had a brother.

Speaker 5 (02:22:27):
Like he would call me as I got older, and.

Speaker 1 (02:22:29):
I was just like, yeah, he was like just a
distant relative or something. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:22:34):
I was just like people would ask me if I
had a brother, and I'd always like say like no
when I was little and then just growing up and
when we moved here and I was like, you know,
his time was going to come out, Like you know,
I was this was yeah, last year or something like that,
and I was trying to buy a house. I was
staying with my parents, and my parents had this such
like relaxed thing.

Speaker 5 (02:22:54):
About it, like it is gonna be awesome.

Speaker 3 (02:22:55):
Are super religious Catholic. I'm Catholic as well, and you know,
they just had a really pop If I look and
I'm sitting here like, hey, guys, I'm not trying to
be the negative Nancy, but like I think maybe we
should like talk and kind of prepare because he's gonna
couple live here. Yeah, and they're just like, no, it's okay.
You know, he's doing good. So I was like, you know,
I'm over here, like, bro, we should take all the alcohol,
like just you know, make sure we don't we give
him a space the environment a little bit exactly, and

(02:23:18):
you know that just then Ever went overwhell. But anyways,
like I was heavy in therapy during that time, and
I would tell her, like my therapist, I'm like, dude,
I'm really nervous about that. Like I'm excited, but I'm
nervous because like I don't I feel like I'm meeting
a stranger.

Speaker 1 (02:23:31):
Well, and all you know of your brother is problems, yeah,
people like exactly schizophrenic, like probably since a kid. All
you're thinking is that, like, oh, what what is going
to happen when I talk to about my brother that?

Speaker 3 (02:23:44):
Yeah, And like cops were just like you know, four
in the morning, just knocks on the door, like they
all come in. They're like you know, I would even
to this day that I can't sleep with the door
closed and I just remember like i'd wake up and
like you see the flashlights, like coming into my room
and that my mom's like, no, that's not his room.
His rooms over.

Speaker 5 (02:23:59):
There, and like yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:24:01):
It was just that type of like yeah, and I'm
just like that's crazy. So the best thing my therapist
told me was she was like, well, listen, if you
want a relationship with him, it's actually good because now
you're an adult, you can choose the type of relationship
you have with him. So I went in super positive.
I'm like, oh, this is gonna be cool. And within
like two months, he just started like smoking again, like

(02:24:23):
he's still like on probation, and then he just started
doing coke and like he was just all bad and
he stopped taking his medication.

Speaker 5 (02:24:29):
So he's in the house like.

Speaker 3 (02:24:31):
Those people you've seen the street, but in my mom's house,
and like there's no talking to him, and like we're
doing I'm like proplete, like he had a job. I'm
like we're trying, like all of us are sitting here,
like just take your medication. I get it, you don't
want to take it because you feel good, like you
feel like, oh I don't have it anymore. But that's
the thing working. And it was just like his paranoia
just got so bad and like he basically like try

(02:24:54):
to fight me, and then like he attacked my mom
when we weren't home, but my neighbor had it all
like on camera, like with their cameras outside, so like,
but that whole time was just terrible. Remember, like, yeah,
like I would have my mom's like location, I'm like.

Speaker 5 (02:25:08):
She's home.

Speaker 1 (02:25:09):
I would always be checking on her.

Speaker 3 (02:25:10):
I got him a phone to see where the he's at,
and then when I'm like they're both home, make sure
you know, yeah, because so i'd be like we end
up getting apartment so we wouldn't be there. Yeah, yeah,
he was like five.

Speaker 1 (02:25:23):
Yes, makes you even nervous to have your son around him.

Speaker 3 (02:25:27):
And my wife too, like she was, you know, like positive,
she's always been positive. She's like, no, this is gonna
be great, and I'm just like yeah, but like I'm
not it can be great when we're not there, you know.
But then it was like I was there all the time.
I was there like five times a day, and like
I'd get super nervous if I'm like, you know, my
mom's home, he's home, she's done answering the phone, like,
so I called my neighbor, who was really cool, and

(02:25:48):
I'm like, bro, just you know cool or what? And yeah,
alongster surely he like fucking attacked her. And then his
probation officer actually called me and was like where are you?
And I was just out the worst. I'm like fuck
and he's like, your mom's that answered the phone. Police
are at the house, like you should go, Like I'm
on my way, So I go. And then he's just
like having a whole like freak out with like the

(02:26:10):
cops and they're like about to like let him go,
and my mom she's fucking crying. She's like holding her
like like you know, like he fucking hit it. And
I was just so mad and I was like in
that moment, I was just like bro, like like I
don't know, I kind of struggle with that because like
it's not his fault, you know, at the end of
the day's really not like he has that problem.

Speaker 5 (02:26:33):
But I'm I continuously keep trying.

Speaker 3 (02:26:36):
To like.

Speaker 4 (02:26:38):
Forget we got that get better.

Speaker 3 (02:26:39):
Yeah, I don't know, Like I kind of struggle a
little bit with like trying to help him. But I
just I look at the video of like him like
attacking my mom, and I have not good feelings about.

Speaker 1 (02:26:50):
That you know about about what he did or about just.

Speaker 3 (02:26:53):
Yeah, yeah, just about him, Like there's certain things I
just like because like I'm like, we're I'm not leaving out,
but it's just like I, like you said, if he
passed today, I know that I did every single all
of us did every single thing that we could do
to help him.

Speaker 5 (02:27:11):
Unfortunately it's his choice.

Speaker 3 (02:27:13):
But it's also like it's not his choice because he doesn't.

Speaker 5 (02:27:16):
Have the power of choice.

Speaker 3 (02:27:17):
So it's like, you know, it's I go back and
forth with that, but then.

Speaker 1 (02:27:22):
Like, my have real feelings, Yeah, like you know, you
know what I'm saying is you have real feelings of
being affected by things, but then you try to give
it grace because you understand also that there is an
illness there. So you're at war with feeling what you're
feeling and trying to accept it at the same time.

Speaker 3 (02:27:42):
Yeah, it's like the like your heart and brain are like.

Speaker 6 (02:27:46):
Your heart your head in different places, and yeah, I
don't know, it's just hard, Like.

Speaker 3 (02:27:52):
I want to have a relationship with him, but it's
just like like.

Speaker 6 (02:27:56):
I don't know, it's it's dependent on where he's I've
heard you talk about him, so yeah, because after he
attacked my mom, he he went back to like to
they arrested him like for like the little like North Vegas,
and then the marshalls came and picked him up because
he was still like federal.

Speaker 5 (02:28:13):
So he went away for like four.

Speaker 3 (02:28:15):
Months, went back to the halfway house, and then in
the halfway house, like at that point, it was he
didn't like try to reach out to us. Like the
phone that I got him, like it doesn't even work anymore,
so I think he just sold it. And then yeah,
but my mom put a restraining order on him. But
like my mom is the type of person where it's
like if he were to come and be like mom hungry,

(02:28:35):
like she's like coming side, yeah, like she would never
ever ever turn.

Speaker 4 (02:28:38):
Yeah, it's literally so you guys don't know where he's
at now.

Speaker 3 (02:28:41):
No, I mean he's he was at the halfway House.
And then basically, I mean my mom had four grand
for him, like the heat she would save. His ration
officer was like, Hey, I'm gonna get him an apartment,
Like it's all the jit I went with him. We
gave him half with him two thousand and then we'll
give the other half because it was like we don't
trust you. Yeah, it's your money, but we're doing yeah, absolutely,

(02:29:02):
so we give it.

Speaker 5 (02:29:03):
To a pervation officer.

Speaker 3 (02:29:04):
A paration officer gave it to him, and then like
a day later, the bank called my mom and was like, hey,
like somebody was trying to cash his check or whatever.
But he went to like a seven eleven and you
know the back where you sign.

Speaker 1 (02:29:15):
It, Yeah, there's in a Western Union.

Speaker 3 (02:29:17):
Yeah, he signed it. So they were like, no, we
can't tell you this. We're all fucking mad.

Speaker 1 (02:29:21):
But it's just like it's simple things like that.

Speaker 3 (02:29:23):
He has an account like that. But that's the thing
where just like the provision officer knows, like bro go
with him to the bank depositives so he can put
for an apartment.

Speaker 1 (02:29:31):
But he just he needs assistance.

Speaker 3 (02:29:35):
And he just kind of fucked it up. But no,
I haven't. He hasn't reached out like he I think he.
I mean, I couldn't even if I wanted to, I
couldn't because I don't. I don't. He has no number.
But I went to me and my wife went to
the art district and like we were gonna go just
have lunch, and I look over and he's there standing
next to somebody.

Speaker 1 (02:29:54):
And your brother, yeah, like you haven't seen him.

Speaker 3 (02:29:56):
I haven't seen him, and just there like I turned
the corner and he's waiting to cross, and like I
was gonna park right here, and it was like we
park and then I was like, holy shit, does one brother?
And then I just go he didn't see me, but
he was like two or three other guys that they
all had like the same type of backpack, so I'm
assuming it's from a shelter.

Speaker 5 (02:30:14):
But he like wasn't dirty, like he had a haircut.

Speaker 1 (02:30:17):
I was just like, you're thinking he's not homeless or anything.

Speaker 4 (02:30:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:30:20):
I was just like, okay, he's probably and maybe they're
all there like at the because I'm like why four
people have the same double bag. And it was one
of those things where it's my wife's like, oh, you
need to like get out and say hi, and I
was just like fuck, I want to. I'm like there's
four of them and just me. I don't know his
feeling towards me when they were right when they when
the cops took him and I had got there. The

(02:30:42):
last thing I said to him, I was like, bro,
fuck you, like like as they're taking him away and
because I was just like and I didn't even really
know anything that happened. Like if I hadn't known that,
like he had fucking him my mom, like we probably
both would have gone together.

Speaker 5 (02:30:54):
Yeah you know, and.

Speaker 3 (02:30:57):
Like so I just didn't know like the temperature and
it feels you me and like I don't know because
but the thing that fucked me was my wife was
there and it was four of them. Yeah, and I'm
like it could turn bad.

Speaker 1 (02:31:05):
Really quick or you don't know what state of mind
he know, and it's.

Speaker 3 (02:31:09):
Just like all these things are going through my mind
where it's like, okay, what if he's like, let me
get some money, I'll give you money, fine, or if
it's just like hey, can you give us a ride?

Speaker 5 (02:31:16):
Now, it's just like bro, like you know what I mean.
I don't know. It was just that, but that was
probably like five months.

Speaker 1 (02:31:21):
It was a situation that you couldn't control.

Speaker 3 (02:31:24):
Yeah, yeah, and you can keep.

Speaker 1 (02:31:26):
You and your wife safe by keeping a distance. And
it wasn't the right time or place.

Speaker 3 (02:31:30):
Yeah, it was just like maybe if he was by himself, sure,
but and you haven't seen them since no, I don't know,
and it's uh, yeah, it's fucked up because like where
I work there's just homes people all the time.

Speaker 5 (02:31:41):
Yeah, and like I can't help, but I'm I'm looking.

Speaker 3 (02:31:44):
Around like I'm down there, like you know, if he's
out here, you know, And then like so yeah, and
I struggle with that because like I don't know if
this ever happens to any of you guys, but like
I'll be having like a good day, like I just
got some bread, you know, and I'm like music's loud
or whatever, and then like I kind of just sit
there and think, and I'm like.

Speaker 5 (02:32:01):
Let me turn it down, you know.

Speaker 3 (02:32:02):
I mean, like my mood kind of goes down a
little bit because I know in the back of my
mind like funckwards.

Speaker 1 (02:32:06):
Yeah, you stop yourself from allowing to feel things because
you're worrying about your brother.

Speaker 3 (02:32:10):
Sometimes if I not, if I'm in like a good
as mood, I'm just like something kind Yeah, it down
a little bit.

Speaker 5 (02:32:15):
And I don't know, you don't really know what that is.

Speaker 1 (02:32:18):
My husband does that.

Speaker 3 (02:32:19):
It's I think it's I think it's a guilt thing.

Speaker 1 (02:32:22):
It's a guilt thing, I believe for you, and I
think like for my husband, it's trying to control your
own environment. If you can control yourself enough, then you
can kind of predict and see what's going to happen.
Especially dealing with your brother, things are extremely unpredictable. And maybe,

(02:32:42):
and I don't want to speak for you, so if
I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But maybe, like you said, it's
like a guilt thing. You carry a certain amount of guilt,
but you also are doing what's best for you and
doing what's best for your family. But he's at your
brother at the end of the day, so again, your
heart and your head are in two different place.

Speaker 3 (02:33:00):
Just like you said, yeah, it's what I'm doing selfish
because I'm just like, I don't want.

Speaker 5 (02:33:04):
To you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (02:33:04):
But that's you just said it. You're you. You're feeling
guilty because you think you're being selfish, but you're not
being selfish. You are doing what you think is best.
But it still hurts your heart because he's your brother
at the end of the day, and you love him
and you're always going to love him, and it's okay.
I think it's okay to want the best for him,
and I think it's okay to want to make sure

(02:33:25):
that your family is safe and he's included in that
even though he has obstructed that. So I think it's
normal for you to feel conflicted. You're human to feel conflicted,
and you're human to not know what you're supposed to
do in that situation because no one's writing the book
for you telling you what you should be doing. So
I mean, it's all God's plan. You know, you have

(02:33:49):
God's plant on, you have God's plantastic. I have trusted God,
you know, like it's.

Speaker 3 (02:33:54):
It's all his plan and.

Speaker 1 (02:33:58):
You should be just kidding, It's okay to feel that shit.

Speaker 3 (02:34:03):
You enjoyed the show, Yeah, I would love to.

Speaker 2 (02:34:05):
I would you.

Speaker 1 (02:34:06):
Guys don't have a female on the show. You should.
I got you tour, you know what I mean? Like
I communicate and I love to talk to people, and
like I said, connecting is the most important thing. It's
vital we have to You said it. You know what

(02:34:27):
I mean. You said it. You you just said, like
I don't know if you guys felt like this, and
you know you've said like like I understand where you're
coming from, Like I can I can relate to you
and for me, like me speaking here with you guys,
like I hope that what you've said what you've said
and what I've said can relate to somebody to help
them in their situation. Because even though we've all lived

(02:34:51):
different lives, it's the same same but different. Right, We're
all going through the same ship, but it's all different.
We all matter, but we don't matter at all. It's
all important, but nothing matters at all, you know what
I mean. You know, I want to be on the
front of Low Rider magazine at least once, you know
what I mean. Like I'm thirty, Like, yeah, like we
can and I believe that, like in this day and age,

(02:35:12):
we can be older and and not looked at like
you know, like thirty in the eighties was fucking old.

Speaker 2 (02:35:19):
Yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (02:35:20):
Thirty now is youngest. Like you know what I mean,
You're just maturing. You're just a woman, you know what
I mean. So, like I feel like I have time still,
but I don't have it forever, especially with modeling. So
I would love to have my own shop. I would
love to have you know, won many awards for my artistry.

(02:35:41):
You know, my daughter will be with like almost eighteen
by then. You know, she wants to apprentice and she
wants to be a tattooer. If that's what she still
wants to do, then like she wants to be an actor,
she wants to be a model, she wants to do
all these things like she's a lot like me. So
like maybe even like apprenticing my daughter by then, you
know what I mean? Like, yeah, I would love I
would love to have all these things like and I want,

(02:36:04):
you know, a six car garage and I want to
have you know, filled with cars, and like I want
to I want to pinstripe. I want to do body paint.
I want to do candy painting. I want to do
like like I want to do engraving on chrome. I
want to do yeah, like I you know, maybe even
a fucking body shop, you know what I mean? So
I can I can pinstripe because that's something that I'm

(02:36:26):
learning today for hopefully being better for tomorrow. Yeah, So
there's there's plenty of stuff I want to I want
to make a movie one day, like like about like
you know, my history and my family and you know
how how we everybody is connected.

Speaker 2 (02:36:42):
You get you get to write a book honestly too.

Speaker 1 (02:36:44):
Yeah you know my mom is actually writing a book,
I think, so Yeah, she's been writing for a long
time because you ask her her story, Yeah she is crazy.

Speaker 3 (02:36:54):
Yeah, it's I think that's awesome, and I think you're
more than capable of doing every single thing that that
I feel you on that feel when you hit thirty,
you're like fuck where it's like the you know, what
do you have to show? But the difference is is
that you have there's things that you want. I think
when a lot of people struggle with that is when
they're they're they feel stuck and there's they got a motion,

(02:37:15):
they're not doing nothing, you know, and I think that
is a point of concern.

Speaker 5 (02:37:20):
But you're on the complete.

Speaker 3 (02:37:21):
Opposite spectrum of that, where it's like, you know, yeah,
the first you know, it was fucking rough, and now
these past five years, like you're doing good, and like
I think you should celebrate those little things because all
of those little things add up to well, you know what, like, Okay,
in five years, there'll be ten years Ober it's a
fucking huge w yeah, you know, and all of those
little things where it's like I mean, I mean, you know,

(02:37:43):
you take you've taken action on every single thing that
you want to do from then and soil now and
I think just continuing that and you know, there's no
reason why with your talent and your ability that you
can do every single thing honestly in less than those
five years. Yeah, you can probably not get six or
I don't know, listen, but all of those within two
to three.

Speaker 1 (02:38:02):
Yeah, I pray for it. I hope. So Like again,
when I when I turned thirty, it was I didn't
I wasn't hearing women talk about fucking crying after they
hit another decade, you know what I mean? Like I
hear women be like, no, don't tell tell people I'm
that age.

Speaker 3 (02:38:19):
Yeah, like I'm.

Speaker 1 (02:38:20):
Turning twenty four, not thirty four, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (02:38:22):
Like, and you know what it is is it's like, uh,
it's more of a male terminology. But it's like it's
like a big dick contest. It's like it's like dick
measuring contest.

Speaker 7 (02:38:31):
It's like, oh, who's bigger, Who's who's the best, who's
the strongest, you know, and it's all this like right now,
we're in this very much like motivational raw raw like
social media, like like like social media space where it's
like women are trying to be all like masculine and
men are trying to be like, oh, we cold plunge

(02:38:52):
every morning and this is what we do.

Speaker 1 (02:38:55):
You know.

Speaker 3 (02:38:55):
It's just like yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 (02:38:56):
I don't like we're in this kind of interesting time
right now where if everybody is trying to be like
motivational and like.

Speaker 1 (02:39:04):
The best healed self, yeah, uh falsely okay, ye off
it like jumping off what you're saying, Uh, Nipsey hustle.
There's this painting in the art district that's in the
art museum or whatever it's called, you know where they
show people's art and stuff, and there's like life painting
and stuff. There's a painter and if I find it,

(02:39:26):
I'll give it to you guys to link because I
think he's local. But he painted a picture of Nipsey
and it says if you are not talking about your failures,
you a fool. If you are successful and you are
not talking about your failures, like what the fuck are
you doing? And I think that everybody is in this
fucking contest of who's better at being uh being successful,

(02:39:49):
being like healed, like this healed version of everybody's self of.

Speaker 3 (02:39:52):
Likeake, it's not it's like yeah, feeling suicide. Just get
to it, and it's just like two things canna be
tr you can get to it, but it's also like,
you know, where's the people.

Speaker 1 (02:40:04):
Yeah, you're still gonna fail. It doesn't matter how much therapy,
how many, like you said, cold plunges. It doesn't matter
how much fucking vitamins you're taking, or how much water
you're drinking, or how many times a day you go
on a motherfucking run or climb a mountain or you
know what I mean. You're still human and you're still
going to fuck up, and we need to talk about
it more. Like I posted, like on my story, you know,

(02:40:28):
on my tattoo page, on my work page of me crying,
you know, like, and you know, some people be like,
what the fuck you're doing that, and like, why the
fuck aren't you Like for me, I'm a female, so
I think crying it is more acceptable and meant for
you guys, it is okay to cry, you know what
I mean. It's okay, which is good though, which is
good though. I think it's important you gotta let that
shit out every once in a while and show everybody

(02:40:49):
else that it's okay too. But I think we need
to talk about when we're not okay, like it doesn't
like it. It's okay, it's okay, not be okay exactly.

Speaker 3 (02:41:01):
Yeah, it doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you
less of anything. It's just it's just, you know, this
is a vulnerable spot of we are all.

Speaker 1 (02:41:11):
In vulnerable spots. What's what's the saying, Ah, safety is
an illusion, you know what I mean, Like, you know, whatever,
you got to tell yourself to make it. But like
you know, we're all we're all vulnerable in mentally, physically,
in whatever ways that you know, Like we're all just
trying to figure it out and make it. You're this

(02:41:33):
sage for the first time, You're this sage for you're
you know, I'm this age for the first time, in
this place, for the first time, with my kids for
the first We're babies in this and we always will be,
you know.

Speaker 2 (02:41:43):
I think so much of it is this is like
human beings and just us naturally, but we want to
be comfortable. Everyone loves the comfort zone, like nobody nobody
likes to be uncomfortable. But like in reality, you don't
grow unless you're on comfortable, Like you ain't going to
get modeling opportunities unless you put yourself in uncomfortable like

(02:42:07):
situations to situations. You're not going to get good at
podcasting unless you put yourself in front of a mic
and talk about shit do it that you're maybe like
not comfortable about. So it's like there's all these and
it could be related to anything, but I think that's
a large problem is just being real.

Speaker 1 (02:42:25):
Yeah, and also in social media today, that's also a
thing of like are you the realist motherfucker? Well, I'm
the realist motherfucker. But you're also comfortable. Yeah, we can
continue to get into these comfort zones and and vulnerability
and bettering yourself is hard for everybody. I could be

(02:42:48):
a person that loves to get vulnerable, but to a
certain degree, Like there's I'm sure my husband would say
otherwise sometimes and be like sure because of certain conversations
we are not having that.

Speaker 2 (02:42:58):
We need to, you know what I mean, Like yeah, yeah,
but like that's that's part of growth and not only
you know, you growing and evolving, but you growing involving
with your partner, you know. Yeah, Because it's like.

Speaker 1 (02:43:11):
And that's just hard yep, that's just like you know,
like you yeah, like you said, it takes a lot
of therapy. It takes a lot of work, and I.

Speaker 2 (02:43:19):
Mean relationships in general, like let's be real, like, yeah,
it's super underplayed, like how hard they are. Yeah, it's
and it's you can even like the way I think
about it too, is like think about like you know,
guys in their best friend or like girls in their
best friend, even your best fucking friends you have arguments with. Yeah,

(02:43:40):
so I think it's always funny to me when like
people like, oh, our relationships not going very well, like
you know, we you know, we kind of argue. Well, yeah,
like you should are everybody Like if honestly, if if
two people are in a relationship and there's not some
tension at times and there's not a little bit of
bickering back and forth, like let's be real. I mean,

(02:44:01):
we don't need to be over the top fucking arguing,
fucking throwing chairs across the room. But if if there
isn't a little bit of tension in a relationship at times,
it's that's that's actually unhealthy because that means that someone
someone either yeah, that's definitely, but it's also someone's like

(02:44:22):
not being honest and transparent because it's like, let's be real, like.

Speaker 1 (02:44:25):
Lack of vulnerability.

Speaker 2 (02:44:26):
Yeah, like we're we're like two people are not identical
and perfect matches. So because of that that does a
perfect match does not exist. It doesn't exist. So it's
like you just need to accept that and just and
I think this is just the last thing I'll say
on it is social media has created this idea that

(02:44:48):
the grass is greener somewhere else, versus water the fucking
grass that you're standing on and grow, grow the grass,
you know, under your feet.

Speaker 1 (02:45:00):
And also reality of I don't always want to do
the work. Yeah, I'm being honest, and I think we
can all be honest about that. Is I don't wake
up every day and be like, yay, I'm ready to
water my fucking plants. I'm like if fuck that shit.
I don't want to do this today, not water my
shit tomorrow, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (02:45:19):
And I think that's where the keyword relationship comes in.
It's like it's give and take, so like like sometimes
sometimes your partner's got to pick up the slack. Yeah,
sometimes about.

Speaker 3 (02:45:29):
Fifty fifty, isn't it Like Yeah, it's it's not real. Yeah, fifty,
it's like it's gonna be eighty twenty ninety ten. Sometimes yeah,
it's closer to forty.

Speaker 1 (02:45:38):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (02:45:38):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:45:38):
Some days it's fifty to fifty. Some days it's fucking
ninety ten.

Speaker 3 (02:45:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:45:43):
Absolutely, it's like, all right, you did this, I did this.

Speaker 4 (02:45:46):
You didn't do shit.

Speaker 3 (02:45:48):
Yeah, I did this.

Speaker 1 (02:45:49):
I did my best, motherfucker I'm telling you, I'm trying. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (02:45:53):
But it goes back to communication, you know. Yeah, I
talk through it.

Speaker 1 (02:45:56):
Yeah, and that's just fucking hard.

Speaker 4 (02:45:57):
But you know, if we don't stop worring.

Speaker 2 (02:46:02):
In the morning, we did great, Yeah we did you
did it.

Speaker 5 (02:46:06):
You did it really great.

Speaker 1 (02:46:06):
Thank you. I really enjoyed talking with you guys, and
that's giving me the space to talk about my life
because you know, the fear of judgment is there, you
know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (02:46:17):
We're gonna run back a pot again with you. Yeah, yeah,
this is dope, so is there. We'll obviously put like
all your socials in the descriptions so people can find you.
Is there any any last words from you know, Sydney
you'd like to share with the audience.

Speaker 1 (02:46:40):
I think it's just really important too to tell everyone
whoever is listening that it's okay to talk about your ship,
to talk about your ship. That somebody cares, somebody loves you,
somebody can relate to you like you're not alone, and
that if you are a mom battling similar things that
I'm battling like, you can get there and you will

(02:47:02):
get there. Surround yourself with a good support system. Tell
yourself you love yourself, you know, value yourself enough to
want more and want better for yourself for your children.
And it's okay that you may have the history that
you have and you're still a mom, you know what
I mean, because God puts you in the place the

(02:47:25):
where you are that you're probably going to be able
to help your kids with the stories that you have
been through and the things that you've overcome, you know
what I mean, And or your friends or your coworkers.
And I just wholeheartedly believe in connection. And I don't
know we all can relate being a mom as hard
being a dad is hard.

Speaker 2 (02:47:48):
But yeah, amen of that perfect perfectly, we're perfectly imperfect.

Speaker 1 (02:47:54):
Absolutely Yeah, And that's a fucking hard pill as well,
you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 (02:48:00):
Is for sure.

Speaker 2 (02:48:01):
On that note, we'll catch you guys on the next one.

Speaker 5 (02:48:03):
We appreciate you.

Speaker 3 (02:48:06):
Go go hit the bid in.

Speaker 4 (02:48:09):
Hell.

Speaker 2 (02:48:09):
Yeah, that was great, Guys

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