January 3, 2024 • 35 mins
Ever rolled the dice in the game of love? Let's switch up the odds together with Paul Zolman, best-selling author and the brilliant mind behind the cube-based method for expressing love languages. Our heart-to-heart with Paul is a rollercoaster through the emotional landscape where we unpack the significance of becoming adept 'love language linguists.' We're not just talking about love; we're redefining how to practice it daily. The dice we cast might just land you in a world where understanding and cherishing your partner’s love language transforms every interaction into a meaningful connection.
Explore the significance of comprehending and actively engaging in all five love languages with Paul. Delve into the impact of reciprocity within relationships as he candidly shares his personal journey of healing and self-discovery. Gain valuable advice on pursuing passion and entrepreneurship from Paul, whose structured and enjoyable approach to love languages effectively enhances communication and fortifies relationships.
From the trials of entrepreneurship to the joy of aiding couples in their quest for better communication, we explore the creation of a tangible tool that's changing the game for lovers everywhere. This episode is a treasure trove of stories about love's power to spark growth, shake up our worlds, and lead us down paths we never expected - all with a sprinkle of Paul's transformative touch. Join us on this enchanting voyage where affection meets innovation, and where every listener is a step closer to mastering the art of love.
Takeaways
- Understanding and practicing all five love languages is vital for effective communication and building solid relationships.
- Reciprocity in relationships should not be transactional, but rather a genuine expression of love without expectation.
- Finding a replacement behavior for negative emotions, such as anger, can lead to personal growth and healing.
- When pursuing a passion or starting a business, organizing ideas, taking responsibility for your actions, and focusing on serving others are essential.
These are our friends. These are your friends. AND they are living the extraordinary.
For a transcript of this episode, go to www.behindthedreamers.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jennifer (00:24):
Welcome to another episode of Behind the Dreamers.
I'm your host, JenniferLoehding, and we are talking to
the achievers, the creators, themagic makers and the dreamers.
These are our friends, theseare your friends and they are
living the extraordinary Well.
I'm so excited about my guesttoday.
This is going to be a lot offun.
I'm excited to hear what he hasto talk about, but he's
basically has an innovativeapproach to illustrate the love
(00:45):
languages, and this uniquemethod not only helps you
understand the five lovelanguages, but also empowers you
to actively give them away.
The system is designed to beeffortlessly accessible
accessible, making it suitablefor even young children, and he
says it's a game where everyoneemerges as a winner.
So I'm super excited to hearabout this and share this with
you.
But before we bring him on, Ido want to do a quick shout out
(01:07):
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Jennifer (02:52):
So with that, let's get our guest on here today.
So Paul Zolman is aninternational best-selling
author of the Rule of Love.
He says in his book you'll findwhat helped him move from a
childhood boot camp of abuse tobeing a person who loves
everyone and can find good aboutanyone in any circumstance.
So, Paul, welcome to the show.
We are so excited to have youhere today.
Paul (03:12):
Thank you, Jennifer.
What a pleasure to be with you.
It's going to be, so much fun.
I've been looking forward to it.
Jennifer (03:17):
Awesome, awesome.
We had a fun talk off of this,and so I'm excited about what
you've got and your story, andso I kind of want to open this
up, so tell us a little bitabout this unique approach to
expressing these love languages.
Paul (03:30):
The unique approach was something that I created,
jennifer, that really I needed areplacement behavior for
residual anger I had from achildhood, and the unique
approach is using a cube.
Actually, I created a cube thathas the love languages on it.
There you'll see two handstouching one another that
represents touch.
Here's a hand holding a giftthat represents gifts, hand
(03:55):
holding an hourglass thatrepresents time and holding a
platter that represents service.
And then, of course, two handstogether forming a heart with a
conversation bubble out fromthat heart, meaning words from
the heart.
So that would be the word Fivelove languages, six sides on the
cube.
The last one is a hand holdinga question mark.
(04:16):
That one surprised me.
So there's just twoinstructions.
You roll the die every day,whatever it lands on.
That's the love language youpractice giving away all day.
That day no longer it's aboutyou or me, it's about them and
about watching them when theylight up.
When they light up, that's whatthey like and that you discover
their primary love language inthat way.
Jennifer (04:37):
I love that.
You know it's so interestingbecause we tend to, don't you
agree that we tend to give lovelanguage which is comfortable
for us, right, Like what is ourlove language is what we try to
put out into the world and, asyou know, and we all know this
not everybody has the same lovelanguage, right?
So if you're a person like I'm,a words of affirmation person,
you know I love that and I loveconnection, and so if somebody
(05:00):
has a touch thing that may notbe quite as important to me, but
I'm going to generally giveaway what like affirmation, I
have no problem affirming peoplebecause that's what I love.
But I love what you've got herebecause I think now it becomes
a I have a method of let me rollthis dice and now I actually
have an active thing that I cando, and also it strengthens your
(05:21):
ability to give a love languagein a different manner.
Paul (05:25):
Absolutely.
I would totally agree with that, and that's the whole idea of
this is that we'd be all becomemore versed in all five love
languages Over a 30 day period.
You know the length of time ittakes to create a new habit.
Over that 30 days you'll havegiven away all five love
languages with this method.
By doing that, you become whatI like to call a love language
(05:46):
linguist Sexy title.
I know you want it.
Everybody listening wants thattitle.
It's just one of those titlesIf you put on your resume.
You go to that employer.
That employer is going to saywhat the heck is a love language
linguist?
And you're going to say well, Ijust love people.
That employer wants theircustomers loved and they want a
loving environment within theworkplace rather than a hostile
(06:08):
environment.
A lot of hostility out there.
They don't want that in theirworkplace.
Jennifer (06:12):
Yeah, it's almost like I feel like you know we learn
about like the different you'reprobably familiar with, like the
DISC model and the Meyer Briggsand all of those.
We learn about different, howpeople operate, right, and I
feel like this is kind of apiece of that Like right.
It's like now we're learninghow to in the DISC model and I
had to learn that in my previouscareer.
It helped me because it gave methe ability to sort of
(06:34):
understand how people operateand so I knew how to do my
languaging and how to do it wasreally effective in closing and
sales and stuff, because I knewhow the different people would
operate, how I needed to presenta closing.
But I think this is good too,because it's kind of the same
thing.
Now you're learning how to giveaway something so that you can
meet people where they are inthese different models.
And you're right, I think itcan make it's huge.
(06:55):
It can make a difference in aconversation by far.
Paul (06:58):
Oh, absolutely.
So.
What you're watching for,jennifer, through this 30 day
process or even longer.
I had this copy right in 2017and I've used it every single
day since that time.
But what you're watching for iswhen people light up, that's
their primary love language andyou don't have to say excuse me,
could you pause thisrelationship for a minute while
(07:20):
I have you take this survey so Iknow how to love you.
It's awkward, you don't have todo awkward anymore, and that's
kind of the key to that.
The other thing that it doesfor you is it really improves
your peripheral vision so thatyou can see it when it comes
your way and then respondappropriately.
You had mentioned, jennifer,that most people give away their
(07:41):
primary love language, hopingthat it's coming back to them.
That reciprocity, to me, isreally not love.
It's a transaction, it'sbusiness, and if you're not on,
let's make a deal.
And it's not.
A marriage shouldn't be likethat.
It should be sent out withoutany expectation of ever coming
back, but trusting the universe.
(08:02):
That has laws in the universethe law of the harvest, karma,
the law of attraction, whateveryou want to call it.
Trusting that the universe willbring it back.
Jennifer (08:13):
I love that.
I like that.
You said the word consumerbecause I read a book.
I think I started reading abook, tim Keller's I forgot the
name of it.
It's about marriage, but hetalks a lot about the consumer
relationship versus I forgotwhat the other word was but the
consumer relationship, which ishow a lot of things happen,
right.
We think of even marriage beingsort of that way I give, you
give in return, right.
And I like this because you'recoming from the angle of you
(08:37):
just give and you don't worryabout the return.
And I think you're so rightwhen you say we tend to expect
the languaging to come back.
And you're right, that becomesa consumer relationship.
At that point, instead of justgiving freely and not, we don't
have all the let's say, and Ithink it's everything.
It's not just a marriage, it'sin all kinds of relationships
business, friendships, everytype of relationship we tend to
(08:57):
think if we give people this way, that we should get that same
kind back in return.
It just doesn't work that way.
Paul (09:03):
No, it's not a retail store, and if you're sitting
around waiting for customers,waiting for love to come in,
it's not going to happen.
Jennifer (09:10):
Right, I love it.
I love it.
This is good and I like thatyou make kind of a game out of
it.
I think that's what makes itfun, because it's almost like
you know I always say this whenI work with clients in my
coaching practice like whenwe're trying to make change, and
it might be it could beanything from getting them to go
to the gym or changingsomething in their business,
right, Change is hard, right,and a lot of times we put a lot
of metrics when we're trying tochange.
(09:31):
And I think when you can takeall the metrics away and make
something fun, and I would say,you know, I kind of think about
like exercise, you know, like ifyou really despise going to the
gym, don't tell yourself yougot to go to the gym seven days
a week, but maybe you say everyday I'm going to do something
that I enjoy, doing that gets meout of my house.
Maybe that's one day you'rewalking your dog.
Maybe it's one day you goskating, it's one day you go
(09:52):
bowling.
Then what happens is exercisedoesn't really become the chore
anymore.
You get it becomes a fun thing,right.
So I like that you're making agame out of this so that now
it's not really even a chore atthis point.
It's sort of a fun challengegame.
Paul (10:07):
Absolutely.
I love that, jennifer, too,that you brought in variety with
that exercise.
This is just the same thing.
It's variety in exercising love, and it's just going to be a
little bit different everysingle day.
You know the the the last oneone that I created.
That surprised me on that day.
You're just watching foropportunities to do random acts
(10:29):
of kindness, or you could do anyone of the love languages.
Whatever you're watching for,you're watching, you're actually
using.
It's almost like a test.
You're taking all the knowledgethat you have of all the other
love languages that you'velearned over the course of that
30 days, and now you're having atest.
You're going to be able towatch for it and you'll be able
(10:50):
to respond to it on thatsurprise music.
Jennifer (10:54):
I like it.
I like it.
I'm gonna have to check more ofit.
I did look up your stuff, soI'm gonna get in there and dig a
little bit more.
I like it.
It's very cool.
I want to back it up a littlebit and talk.
I don't I don't do it too muchdetail, but want to talk about,
kind of, what brought you tothis, because I think we all
have these journeys and the onegreat thing I love about behind
the dreamers is we talk abouteverything, because I think
people see us where we are like,they see us in that Space where
we are now, but they don'trecognize that there's a journey
(11:15):
that gets us to that place.
Right, there's something thatleads us there.
So maybe get this a little bitof the inspiration I know you
touched on, but just maybe alittle bit of the inspiration
that led to this absolutely.
Paul (11:26):
As I'd mentioned, I grew up in a family of abuse.
You know, 15 years ago I was inin a situation that I was
single.
This anger that I carriedforward from that childhood
actually probably wascontributed Contributory to the
demise of my first marriage andbecause of that I ended up
(11:47):
single.
So I'm single and I'm.
My sister thinks I'm reallylonely.
She calls me.
I'm seven hours away, drivingseven hours away from her, and
she calls me and says that shehad a neighbor that she wanted
to introduce to me.
Well, prior to that, for a yearand a half prior to that, I've
been doing what I calldestination dating.
(12:08):
I've gone from, yeah, went toDaytona Beach, jacksonville,
florida, atlanta, georgia,charlotte, north Carolina,
columbia, south Carolina, newYork City, kansas City, salt
Lake City, phoenix, nashville,went cabal, san Lucas, all these
places I went, looking for lovein all the wrong places really
(12:30):
is what it really would havewanted to spend a lot of money,
had a lot of fun, but it justdidn't amount to anything.
I thought I had a Lead onsomething.
I thought I had a Built, a goodrelationship with one of those
people and she lived in Phoenix,so I moved there and it just
actually went south from there,I just did not materialize.
So at this point my sister'scalling me, wanting to introduce
(12:53):
his neighbor.
I just told her I don't thinkso, because I just done all that
and I'm number 10 of 11children.
Jennifer, oh wow, she's an oldersister.
So you have to do what yourolder siblings said, just like,
and even back in the day when wedidn't have remote control TVs,
I was the human remote control.
(13:15):
My older siblings would tell meyou go, take the channel to
this.
So I'd walk up to the TV andturn the knob to the to the
different channel.
So so I used to be in, toldwhat to do in that way, and you
kind of dream that someday,maybe someday, I'll be able to
make my own choices.
And so I'm trying to try to putmy sister off and she says, oh,
(13:37):
come on.
And I said, okay, well, I'llemail this person.
What kind of relationship canyou develop through email?
I wasn't expecting anything,but this lady was actually a
pretty good writer.
And then, after four or fiveemails, I finally came to the
point I felt brave enough to askwell, how many times have you
been married?
And she writes back and says,counting the five that are
(14:01):
buried in the backyard and itwas just hilarious.
I thought I've got a live wirehere, I've got somebody's, got
some personality and even asense of humor.
This might be worth pursuing.
So I we start getting a littlecloser and then I end up moving
up by my sister and we get moreserious.
Now it's time for big brotherapproval.
So I take this woman to mybrother's house that is 300
(14:23):
miles north and First thing thathappens is when we walk in as
my sister in law pulls her asideand says the only emotion that
the Zulman family learnedgrowing up was anger.
At first I denied it, saiduh-uh.
Then it made me mad but Ithought I'm really, I've been
busted, you know just, I reallyproved her point and from that
(14:46):
time I thought If that's theperception of the Zulman family,
then I have an opportunityright here and now to change
that perception.
Wow.
So I started reading the colorcode and I started reading the
five love languages and reallysettled on the principles of
five love languages.
I'm Christian and Dr GaryChapman was a pastor and he said
(15:07):
that these reconciled to thelife of Jesus Christ.
So I did my own fact check andjust found out how they did
reconcile to the life of ofChrist and thought this was
really Really be a good path.
But his, his application of theprinciples didn't work.
For me, coming from where Icame from, it's that angry
culture has angry vocabulary,angry humor, all the put downs.
(15:31):
They talk over one another andit's just that angry.
It's a culture all by itself.
I didn't know where to start.
I didn't really understand theprinciples, but but I was trying
and I wanted to do that.
His idea was that well,jennifer, if I guessed what your
love language is and I cateredto that, we're gonna be buddies.
I'm a really bad guesser,obviously, I wasn't trained to
(15:54):
guess and trained to guessaccurately, so that wasn't
working for me.
And then the second thing thatdr Chapman says if I take this,
this love language test, I findout what my love language is.
Well, jennifer, what am Isupposed to do with that
Advertise?
Well, jennifer, what are thegifts?
What do you have for me today?
It's just awkward.
I was done with awkward.
(16:16):
I found out that from this anger, that residual anger, I found
out as an adult that I was doingthe same thing my father would
do.
He would be annoyed, annoyed,annoyed, annoyed, stacked these
annoyances until he had thisflash of anger.
What would happen is that,being number 10 of 11, my father
dated my mother every Fridaynight.
(16:36):
I love that about my father.
I can't even keep up with thatmyself in my own life.
How did he do that?
But he'd really valued women.
It wasn't very creative about it.
It was always at the MaverickBar, always over alcohol, and I
can imagine I was never there,but I can imagine that my mother
would have this conversationabout how her week went with the
(17:00):
children while he's out on theroad.
He was a truck driver and sohe'd come home on the weekends
and I think I can imagine herstarting at the top, or the
oldest child, and my father'sgetting annoyed at one child,
annoyed next, next, next, I'mnumber 10.
I'm way up here where he'sgoing to blow and I get the belt
(17:22):
or I get a severe spanking.
I remember one time I was blackand blue for more than three
weeks from one of those spanking.
It was just really harsh inthat way.
So I have this same stackingthing going on and I really want
to overcome that.
But I'm saying in my mind Idon't want to be angry.
It's like that double negativethat only works in math, that
(17:46):
you can multiply two negativenumbers together to get a
positive.
It doesn't work inrelationships, so it's not
working for me either.
So I had to figure out what todo next and so in this whole
process I'm thinking I've got tofigure out how to apply these
love languages.
So I contacted Dr Chapman andsaid asked him are you licensing
(18:08):
those little icons that youhave for each one of the love
languages?
Because I remember it as achild I had this idea that games
brought families together.
And games did bring us together.
There still was all the smacktalk, there still was all the
put downs, there still was astrategy in the competition, all
those things within that angryculture that were there.
(18:30):
But it brought the familytogether.
And his attorney wrote me backand said no, we're not licensing
those things.
So I went to a copyrightattorney here in my town and he
said theory like the lovelanguage theory is not
copyrightable.
Application is.
That's when I was able tocreate my own artwork, put it on
(18:51):
a die and make the die andcopyright it.
Jennifer (18:54):
Wow, what a story.
I think it's always fun to hearthe back stories of these
things, what inspires us to, andit's sometimes hard.
I don't know if you find this.
I feel like when I talk aboutmy story, it's kind of long and
I'm always like do you want theabbreviated or do you want the
long version of it?
It's like the abbreviatedversion is this, this, this,
this?
But none of these journeys arejust simple.
(19:15):
They're not linear.
We talked about that.
They're not.
They're not simple stories,right, and I think it's what
transpires in it and what's neatis, you know, that's why, in
the beginning, before I prefacethis, as I said, you know,
people look at where you are.
Now.
They don't know all the stuffin the middle, right?
So if they were to go from hereto here, they'd be like how did
you go from here to here?
Right, because they haven'tseen the whole journey.
And that's what behind thedreamers is.
(19:36):
It's really, you know, the, theinspiration, what led to the
work that you're doing today,and so I think, whatever it is
that gets you there you know,tragedy or whatever that trauma
or bad experience there's alwaysgood that comes out when we can
take that and find a way toserve other people with it.
Paul (19:51):
That actually served as a motivator for me, jennifer, and
I appreciate that questionbecause it really really kind of
was the impetus for, for change, wanting that change.
Now, instead of stacking thoseannoyances, I find myself stat
stacking the kindnesses, becausejust just think of that, it's a
stair step to, to higher lawsof love.
(20:13):
It's, if you, if you want toget to the, the, the higher law
of compassion, or the higher lawof charity or intimacy or
forgiveness or empathy or mercyor or sympathy any of those are
all higher laws of love.
These really, for me, havebecome the basic that everybody
really needs to know the basics,and we really only know our own
(20:36):
primary love language.
We need to broaden that, toknow all five love languages as
the basics to be able to stairstep to those higher laws.
Jennifer (20:46):
It's good, that's good , I love it.
So, moving into, I want to askkind of as an entrepreneur,
because obviously you are anentrepreneur, you have a book
and you have a tool and you'reyou've got.
I went on your website to lookat how you kind of packaged
everything.
I like it.
I would love to know and haveyou share with the audience
maybe One of the challenges thatyou faced and maybe you
(21:09):
mentioned earlier about gettingthe copyright and having that.
So I think that was somethingand good on you for you know,
doing the research on that,because you could have easily
just stopped and not proceededwith that right.
So good on you for that.
But maybe one of the challengesyou faced, you know, maybe
putting this together or Maybeyou can maybe basically even on
the tool in the book itself.
Paul (21:30):
Yeah, there are a lot of challenges I've.
It took about two years to getthe right artwork.
I just wasn't satisfied withthe artwork that I that was
coming from my designer, and itjust took about two years to get
the artwork.
During that two-year period I Istill had the need to be able
to practice the love languages,so I made my own little
(21:50):
prototype and it was clunky.
Just as that big.
I mean it's about two and ahalf inches by two and a half
inches square block of wood.
Try to try to cut a piece ofwood with the sharp corners and
then try to roll that.
It doesn't roll.
I mean it'd be weighted if youwanted to do physical touch
every single day, like a coupleattorneys have asked me to make
(22:12):
one like that For them.
That's all they want to giveaway, that's all they want to
receive.
They just want one that hasphysical touch on every single
side.
But try to roll that on on thefloor.
It seems like a weighted dieand it just isn't does.
It's just was very clunky inthe beginning so I had to.
These are the difference insize here you can see I had to
(22:33):
really size it down and reallykind of work with it.
I've had to find a dicemanufacturer, just I mean a lot
of things that I had to do to beable to get to this point.
Then, as I'm, then now I've gotthe die and now I'm taking it
around trying to market it andtrying to go to the Mental
(22:54):
health therapists people thatthat are in that industry
thinking that they're gonna justjust buy this like crazy, and
one that I went to last year In2022 is early in 2022.
He said that that this is, thisis great, but you have to do too
(23:14):
much explaining about it.
You really need a manual or youneed to write the right a book,
because it's quite different.
It absolutely makes you versedin all the love languages.
Quite a different applicationit's.
You're not.
There's no more guessing.
There's no more Survey to taketo discover what the love
(23:35):
language.
You're watching with yourobservation skills To discover
what their love language is, andI think that's really important
too.
There there was someone, acouple that I was working with,
that took the test.
He found, or she found out,that she was a service, and so
he's he's Mona lawn.
(23:55):
He's.
He's You're helping withlaundry.
He's vacuuming the carpet.
He's washing the dishes.
He's doing all these things,she's not lighting up when he
starts rolling the die and herolls words of affirmation.
Now she's lighting up, nowshe's happy, now she's right.
She really and it was almostlike it was.
(24:17):
She was a changed person.
Once he found out what reallylit her up then and started
working with that, theirmarriage really Became more
cohesive.
They they just became on thesame page, they understood one
another, and that's the whole.
Key to this is we're trying toimprove communication.
So so the challenges for fordoing that.
(24:39):
Just, it's a hard concept toexplain.
I mean, it takes a minute toexplain the concept, and so
that's why I'm here with you,jennifer, to yeah.
Jennifer (24:49):
No, I like it actually .
I think it's really good foryou know, because it's a
structure to me.
It's like it no longer becomes.
I got to think about what to do.
You've got the dye to fold thedye.
Now you fall.
Just it's a structure, you know, and I like it.
I think, I think this could be.
I'm like I need to send all mypeople that are having like
challenge.
We're like just go pick up thedye, get that book, get it, get
(25:11):
it and check it out, because fora lot of people that's not a
natural thing, it just doesn'tcome easily and and if they have
something that says do this,they can follow that.
You know what I mean.
So I love it and thank you forsharing you know the things that
you had to overcome, because Ithink that's important.
As an entrepreneur, I like tosay we real talk it here,
because I think sometimes peopleagain, I've mentioned this
several times they see you whereyou are now.
(25:32):
They don't know the hardshipsand the things that you had to
go through to get to where youare.
So thank you for sharing allthat.
I do want to ask you and Ithink you probably have said
this throughout this wholeconversation, but I would love
for you Maybe just to touch onwhat do you feel like you've
learned about yourself in thisjourney?
Paul (25:50):
I Think that the biggest thing that I've learned about
myself is the source of anger,and and I think that if you can
identify the source of anger,then you can you put you on the
spectrum.
You understand, I really, likemy sister must said, I really
didn't realize that I was soclose to that Angry culture on
(26:14):
that side of spectrum.
I like to explain it like thisthe other, the other day, I went
out walking and I found thiswalking stick.
Then on one side of it's verysmooth, it's about three and a
half feet long, the size of awalking stick.
This side is just got a knot onhere and I call this the
naughty side of the stick andthis is the nice side of stick.
(26:34):
You know, it's like Christmas,it's like Santa Claus has a
stick like that, the naughty andnice stick.
And so I realized that angerwas really on that naughty side
of stick and I was too.
Once you have thatself-actualization moment,
that's really where you can makesome goals and and make some
progress.
But you have to know whereyou're at what.
(26:55):
What worked for me, what, whatthat self-actualization moment
was, what I was being annoyed at, what other people were doing,
that I thought I could do better, that I thought I could make
choices for them and it reallyis none of my business.
Their choice and their, theiractions and doing what they're
(27:15):
doing is was really none of mydomain at all.
Once I realized that thatthey're gonna stay out of, stay
out of their business, let themmake their own choices If
they're, if they're failing, Ican offer advice, ask permission
to give advice, but unless theyaccept that offer or say, or
(27:36):
they say something like no, Idon't want that advice, then
you're done.
That's the end of theconversation.
When I realized that boundaryfor me, that I need to stay in
my lane.
Well, what is my lane?
Send out love and watch andreact appropriately when it
comes back and Not worry aboutthe choices of other people.
(27:56):
Once I started doing that, Irealized that I Started rolling
the die Simultaneously that,with that realization, came to
realize that that I'm watchingnow for what's right about
people and what can I love aboutpeople.
I used to watch for what's wrongwith people and I was looking
(28:19):
at that 10 or 20%, the bad of aperson, the minority part of a
person, and when I was lookingat that minority part of a
person, I was missing this wholehuge majority of what's right
about that person.
Now, as I roll the die andwatch for what's right about
that person, that's the hugechange there.
(28:39):
I am so busy even on one person.
You can find so many goodthings about them to talk about.
I'm so busy watching for what'sright about people.
I have no time to be annoyed notime.
And it was a replacementbehavior for me, jennifer.
So that replacement, I neededthat replacement.
I didn't know what to do withthe anger and I would say I
(29:02):
wanna stop and do all those stopand not do that, but all those
negative statements.
What do I wanna do was morepositive.
My brain accepted that the diehelped with that and start
focusing on what's right aboutpeople.
That really was the biggestchange that I've ever seen.
They take away.
Jennifer (29:20):
I love it, paul, it sounds to me, I mean, in
listening to everything thatyou're talking about and I love
this because I think that whenwe begin to serve other people,
that's when we have the mosttransformation in our own life,
and so what I'm in this wholething, I feel like it's for you,
what I'm hearing from you isthat this whole process to heal
yourself, it really was found intrying to find ways to serve
other people and it healed youin a lot of ways.
(29:41):
So I think that's the best wayto achieve success is helping
other people right, and I alwayssay that we learn the most when
we're doing service.
Like you know what, when wehave to find a way to help
somebody and we have to learn inthe process to do it, we grow
and I love it.
I was listening so many thingsyou said throughout this.
My friends make fun of mebecause I always talk about.
I get the chills when I havethese conversations and
(30:04):
sometimes I do a show.
I love all my people that havebeen on the show and sometimes
I'll have like one time whereI'm like I get the chills.
I've been listening to yourwhole thing on this.
Every time you say somethingI'm like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh
, like I can resonate with thisbecause I think that so much of
my work that I've been doing andwhat I do with other people has
really been about healingmyself.
It's been about letting go ofanger and things that I've held
onto and misplaced and beingable to find good.
(30:26):
And I really love, like I said,this dye because I think it
takes away the have to thinkabout it.
Now.
It's just you've got thedirection right.
You take the dye.
It tells you what you need todo for the day.
That's your active service.
Follow the dye.
It's simple for people tofollow.
Once they know it, I love it.
One last question I wanna askyou before we close this out.
You've said so many greatthings, but any advice that you
(30:47):
would give to somebody right now, maybe that wants to take it
away?
Let's just talk about writing abook.
Maybe they want to go andpursue their passion of starting
something, whether it's a bookor whatever their calling is
right now.
Paul (31:00):
Yeah.
So probably the best thing todo and what I found really very
helpful was to write all yourideas down, and the advice I had
was put them in 10 columns on awall.
Just make a sticky note of anyidea that you have and then
organize it into 10 columns.
As they're organized it intocolumns, then pretty soon you'll
(31:24):
have a whole list of, or awhole column of, sticky notes on
your wall.
That's one way.
I'm kind of an accountingbackground type person.
The spreadsheet worked just aswell for me, and that really was
how it worked as I organizedthe book in the chapters what do
I wanna write in thisparticular chapter and then
(31:46):
ideas would come.
When the ideas stopped coming,then was the time to start
writing, and it only took sixweeks.
That whole process of writingthe book only took six weeks
after I had the ideas down andout on the spreadsheet for me,
and it was just.
It was that simple, you know.
The other thing that we haven'ttalked about is I've got a
(32:07):
journal as well.
This is called the Role of LoveJournal, and in it most
journals would have a blank page.
This one actually providessuggestions what you rolled,
what opportunities you saw tolove in that way what you did
about those opportunities.
People really need thataccountability.
Just think it took me a longtime to realize that I'm
(32:28):
responsible for my own actions.
I kept blaming my father beingthe victim, blaming my father
for all the anger and everything, up until about age 35, that I
realized oh, I'm responsible formy own stuff and I think that
when people realize they'reresponsible for their own stuff,
that's gonna help launch theirbusiness as well.
(32:48):
It's gonna be.
You're in charge.
You are the person.
If it's gonna be done, you needto do it, or you need to find
someone that can help you do it.
I think that's probably thebest encouragement that I can
give right there.
Jennifer (33:03):
Yeah, all great advice .
I love that.
I have an accounting backgroundtoo, by the way.
That's why I was smiling whenyou said that I had somebody on
my show one time.
I did my mother was abookkeeper and so I thought I
was gonna go into accounting anddo CPA.
And then I got to tax law whichhas nothing really to do with
that and I was just out of it.
But I had somebody come on myshow one time and he's like no,
I just don't see you being anaccountant, so I didn't pursue
(33:26):
it.
But, paul, this has been great.
If our audience wants to get intouch with you, maybe they
wanna pick up the journal, theywanna get this.
I know you have these inpackages and stuff.
Where would you like us to sendthem?
Paul (33:37):
Probably the best place is to therolloflovecom R-O-L-E of
lovecom and you'll find thebundle package that we talked
about.
It's the, it's the cube, it'sthe book, it's the journal All
for $29.99 right now.
It's about 20% off what theretail price is and it's just
that special that we have goingon right now for anybody that's
(33:58):
listening.
Jennifer (33:58):
Okay, that's good, that's excellent, and so when I
love the journal, by the way, Ithink that that's great.
I was listening when you saidthat.
I was thinking gratitude iswhat that really comes down to,
absolutely.
At the end of the day Love it,so this has been great.
I wanna tell you thank you somuch for your authenticity.
Thanks for sharing.
I love what you're doing and itwas fun chatting with you and
learning a little bit more aboutthis.
Paul (34:18):
Thank you, jennifer, it's been my pleasure to be with you
Awesome.
Jennifer (34:21):
Awesome and to our audience, of course, we do wanna
say if you enjoy our show, headon over to Apple, give us a
review over there, hit thatsubscribe button on the YouTube
so we can keep sharing all thesefun and fabulous stories and
talking to these amazing people.
And, as I always say, in orderto live extraordinary you must
start, and every start beginswith a decision.
You guys, take care, be safe,be kind to one another.
(34:43):
We will see you next timeBecause, wow,
Welcome to another episode of Behind the Dreamers.
I'm your host, JenniferLoehding, and we are talking to
the achievers, the creators, themagic makers and the dreamers.
These are our friends, theseare your friends and they are
living the extraordinary Well.
I'm so excited about my guesttoday.
This is going to be a lot offun.
I'm excited to hear what he hasto talk about, but he's
basically has an innovativeapproach to illustrate the love
(00:45):
languages, and this uniquemethod not only helps you
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to actively give them away.
The system is designed to beeffortlessly accessible
accessible, making it suitablefor even young children, and he
says it's a game where everyoneemerges as a winner.
So I'm super excited to hearabout this and share this with
you.
But before we bring him on, Ido want to do a quick shout out
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Jennifer (02:52):
So with that, let's get our guest on here today.
So Paul Zolman is aninternational best-selling
author of the Rule of Love.
He says in his book you'll findwhat helped him move from a
childhood boot camp of abuse tobeing a person who loves
everyone and can find good aboutanyone in any circumstance.
So, Paul, welcome to the show.
We are so excited to have youhere today.
Paul (03:12):
Thank you, Jennifer.
What a pleasure to be with you.
It's going to be, so much fun.
I've been looking forward to it.
Jennifer (03:17):
Awesome, awesome.
We had a fun talk off of this,and so I'm excited about what
you've got and your story, andso I kind of want to open this
up, so tell us a little bitabout this unique approach to
expressing these love languages.
Paul (03:30):
The unique approach was something that I created,
jennifer, that really I needed areplacement behavior for
residual anger I had from achildhood, and the unique
approach is using a cube.
Actually, I created a cube thathas the love languages on it.
There you'll see two handstouching one another that
represents touch.
Here's a hand holding a giftthat represents gifts, hand
(03:55):
holding an hourglass thatrepresents time and holding a
platter that represents service.
And then, of course, two handstogether forming a heart with a
conversation bubble out fromthat heart, meaning words from
the heart.
So that would be the word Fivelove languages, six sides on the
cube.
The last one is a hand holdinga question mark.
(04:16):
That one surprised me.
So there's just twoinstructions.
You roll the die every day,whatever it lands on.
That's the love language youpractice giving away all day.
That day no longer it's aboutyou or me, it's about them and
about watching them when theylight up.
When they light up, that's whatthey like and that you discover
their primary love language inthat way.
Jennifer (04:37):
I love that.
You know it's so interestingbecause we tend to, don't you
agree that we tend to give lovelanguage which is comfortable
for us, right, Like what is ourlove language is what we try to
put out into the world and, asyou know, and we all know this
not everybody has the same lovelanguage, right?
So if you're a person like I'm,a words of affirmation person,
you know I love that and I loveconnection, and so if somebody
(05:00):
has a touch thing that may notbe quite as important to me, but
I'm going to generally giveaway what like affirmation, I
have no problem affirming peoplebecause that's what I love.
But I love what you've got herebecause I think now it becomes
a I have a method of let me rollthis dice and now I actually
have an active thing that I cando, and also it strengthens your
(05:21):
ability to give a love languagein a different manner.
Paul (05:25):
Absolutely.
I would totally agree with that, and that's the whole idea of
this is that we'd be all becomemore versed in all five love
languages Over a 30 day period.
You know the length of time ittakes to create a new habit.
Over that 30 days you'll havegiven away all five love
languages with this method.
By doing that, you become whatI like to call a love language
(05:46):
linguist Sexy title.
I know you want it.
Everybody listening wants thattitle.
It's just one of those titlesIf you put on your resume.
You go to that employer.
That employer is going to saywhat the heck is a love language
linguist?
And you're going to say well, Ijust love people.
That employer wants theircustomers loved and they want a
loving environment within theworkplace rather than a hostile
(06:08):
environment.
A lot of hostility out there.
They don't want that in theirworkplace.
Jennifer (06:12):
Yeah, it's almost like I feel like you know we learn
about like the different you'reprobably familiar with, like the
DISC model and the Meyer Briggsand all of those.
We learn about different, howpeople operate, right, and I
feel like this is kind of apiece of that Like right.
It's like now we're learninghow to in the DISC model and I
had to learn that in my previouscareer.
It helped me because it gave methe ability to sort of
(06:34):
understand how people operateand so I knew how to do my
languaging and how to do it wasreally effective in closing and
sales and stuff, because I knewhow the different people would
operate, how I needed to presenta closing.
But I think this is good too,because it's kind of the same
thing.
Now you're learning how to giveaway something so that you can
meet people where they are inthese different models.
And you're right, I think itcan make it's huge.
(06:55):
It can make a difference in aconversation by far.
Paul (06:58):
Oh, absolutely.
So.
What you're watching for,jennifer, through this 30 day
process or even longer.
I had this copy right in 2017and I've used it every single
day since that time.
But what you're watching for iswhen people light up, that's
their primary love language andyou don't have to say excuse me,
could you pause thisrelationship for a minute while
(07:20):
I have you take this survey so Iknow how to love you.
It's awkward, you don't have todo awkward anymore, and that's
kind of the key to that.
The other thing that it doesfor you is it really improves
your peripheral vision so thatyou can see it when it comes
your way and then respondappropriately.
You had mentioned, jennifer,that most people give away their
(07:41):
primary love language, hopingthat it's coming back to them.
That reciprocity, to me, isreally not love.
It's a transaction, it'sbusiness, and if you're not on,
let's make a deal.
And it's not.
A marriage shouldn't be likethat.
It should be sent out withoutany expectation of ever coming
back, but trusting the universe.
(08:02):
That has laws in the universethe law of the harvest, karma,
the law of attraction, whateveryou want to call it.
Trusting that the universe willbring it back.
Jennifer (08:13):
I love that.
I like that.
You said the word consumerbecause I read a book.
I think I started reading abook, tim Keller's I forgot the
name of it.
It's about marriage, but hetalks a lot about the consumer
relationship versus I forgotwhat the other word was but the
consumer relationship, which ishow a lot of things happen,
right.
We think of even marriage beingsort of that way I give, you
give in return, right.
And I like this because you'recoming from the angle of you
(08:37):
just give and you don't worryabout the return.
And I think you're so rightwhen you say we tend to expect
the languaging to come back.
And you're right, that becomesa consumer relationship.
At that point, instead of justgiving freely and not, we don't
have all the let's say, and Ithink it's everything.
It's not just a marriage, it'sin all kinds of relationships
business, friendships, everytype of relationship we tend to
(08:57):
think if we give people this way, that we should get that same
kind back in return.
It just doesn't work that way.
Paul (09:03):
No, it's not a retail store, and if you're sitting
around waiting for customers,waiting for love to come in,
it's not going to happen.
Jennifer (09:10):
Right, I love it.
I love it.
This is good and I like thatyou make kind of a game out of
it.
I think that's what makes itfun, because it's almost like
you know I always say this whenI work with clients in my
coaching practice like whenwe're trying to make change, and
it might be it could beanything from getting them to go
to the gym or changingsomething in their business,
right, Change is hard, right,and a lot of times we put a lot
of metrics when we're trying tochange.
(09:31):
And I think when you can takeall the metrics away and make
something fun, and I would say,you know, I kind of think about
like exercise, you know, like ifyou really despise going to the
gym, don't tell yourself yougot to go to the gym seven days
a week, but maybe you say everyday I'm going to do something
that I enjoy, doing that gets meout of my house.
Maybe that's one day you'rewalking your dog.
Maybe it's one day you goskating, it's one day you go
(09:52):
bowling.
Then what happens is exercisedoesn't really become the chore
anymore.
You get it becomes a fun thing,right.
So I like that you're making agame out of this so that now
it's not really even a chore atthis point.
It's sort of a fun challengegame.
Paul (10:07):
Absolutely.
I love that, jennifer, too,that you brought in variety with
that exercise.
This is just the same thing.
It's variety in exercising love, and it's just going to be a
little bit different everysingle day.
You know the the the last oneone that I created.
That surprised me on that day.
You're just watching foropportunities to do random acts
(10:29):
of kindness, or you could do anyone of the love languages.
Whatever you're watching for,you're watching, you're actually
using.
It's almost like a test.
You're taking all the knowledgethat you have of all the other
love languages that you'velearned over the course of that
30 days, and now you're having atest.
You're going to be able towatch for it and you'll be able
(10:50):
to respond to it on thatsurprise music.
Jennifer (10:54):
I like it.
I like it.
I'm gonna have to check more ofit.
I did look up your stuff, soI'm gonna get in there and dig a
little bit more.
I like it.
It's very cool.
I want to back it up a littlebit and talk.
I don't I don't do it too muchdetail, but want to talk about,
kind of, what brought you tothis, because I think we all
have these journeys and the onegreat thing I love about behind
the dreamers is we talk abouteverything, because I think
people see us where we are like,they see us in that Space where
we are now, but they don'trecognize that there's a journey
(11:15):
that gets us to that place.
Right, there's something thatleads us there.
So maybe get this a little bitof the inspiration I know you
touched on, but just maybe alittle bit of the inspiration
that led to this absolutely.
Paul (11:26):
As I'd mentioned, I grew up in a family of abuse.
You know, 15 years ago I was inin a situation that I was
single.
This anger that I carriedforward from that childhood
actually probably wascontributed Contributory to the
demise of my first marriage andbecause of that I ended up
(11:47):
single.
So I'm single and I'm.
My sister thinks I'm reallylonely.
She calls me.
I'm seven hours away, drivingseven hours away from her, and
she calls me and says that shehad a neighbor that she wanted
to introduce to me.
Well, prior to that, for a yearand a half prior to that, I've
been doing what I calldestination dating.
(12:08):
I've gone from, yeah, went toDaytona Beach, jacksonville,
florida, atlanta, georgia,charlotte, north Carolina,
columbia, south Carolina, newYork City, kansas City, salt
Lake City, phoenix, nashville,went cabal, san Lucas, all these
places I went, looking for lovein all the wrong places really
(12:30):
is what it really would havewanted to spend a lot of money,
had a lot of fun, but it justdidn't amount to anything.
I thought I had a Lead onsomething.
I thought I had a Built, a goodrelationship with one of those
people and she lived in Phoenix,so I moved there and it just
actually went south from there,I just did not materialize.
So at this point my sister'scalling me, wanting to introduce
(12:53):
his neighbor.
I just told her I don't thinkso, because I just done all that
and I'm number 10 of 11children.
Jennifer, oh wow, she's an oldersister.
So you have to do what yourolder siblings said, just like,
and even back in the day when wedidn't have remote control TVs,
I was the human remote control.
(13:15):
My older siblings would tell meyou go, take the channel to
this.
So I'd walk up to the TV andturn the knob to the to the
different channel.
So so I used to be in, toldwhat to do in that way, and you
kind of dream that someday,maybe someday, I'll be able to
make my own choices.
And so I'm trying to try to putmy sister off and she says, oh,
(13:37):
come on.
And I said, okay, well, I'llemail this person.
What kind of relationship canyou develop through email?
I wasn't expecting anything,but this lady was actually a
pretty good writer.
And then, after four or fiveemails, I finally came to the
point I felt brave enough to askwell, how many times have you
been married?
And she writes back and says,counting the five that are
(14:01):
buried in the backyard and itwas just hilarious.
I thought I've got a live wirehere, I've got somebody's, got
some personality and even asense of humor.
This might be worth pursuing.
So I we start getting a littlecloser and then I end up moving
up by my sister and we get moreserious.
Now it's time for big brotherapproval.
So I take this woman to mybrother's house that is 300
(14:23):
miles north and First thing thathappens is when we walk in as
my sister in law pulls her asideand says the only emotion that
the Zulman family learnedgrowing up was anger.
At first I denied it, saiduh-uh.
Then it made me mad but Ithought I'm really, I've been
busted, you know just, I reallyproved her point and from that
(14:46):
time I thought If that's theperception of the Zulman family,
then I have an opportunityright here and now to change
that perception.
Wow.
So I started reading the colorcode and I started reading the
five love languages and reallysettled on the principles of
five love languages.
I'm Christian and Dr GaryChapman was a pastor and he said
(15:07):
that these reconciled to thelife of Jesus Christ.
So I did my own fact check andjust found out how they did
reconcile to the life of ofChrist and thought this was
really Really be a good path.
But his, his application of theprinciples didn't work.
For me, coming from where Icame from, it's that angry
culture has angry vocabulary,angry humor, all the put downs.
(15:31):
They talk over one another andit's just that angry.
It's a culture all by itself.
I didn't know where to start.
I didn't really understand theprinciples, but but I was trying
and I wanted to do that.
His idea was that well,jennifer, if I guessed what your
love language is and I cateredto that, we're gonna be buddies.
I'm a really bad guesser,obviously, I wasn't trained to
(15:54):
guess and trained to guessaccurately, so that wasn't
working for me.
And then the second thing thatdr Chapman says if I take this,
this love language test, I findout what my love language is.
Well, jennifer, what am Isupposed to do with that
Advertise?
Well, jennifer, what are thegifts?
What do you have for me today?
It's just awkward.
I was done with awkward.
(16:16):
I found out that from this anger, that residual anger, I found
out as an adult that I was doingthe same thing my father would
do.
He would be annoyed, annoyed,annoyed, annoyed, stacked these
annoyances until he had thisflash of anger.
What would happen is that,being number 10 of 11, my father
dated my mother every Fridaynight.
(16:36):
I love that about my father.
I can't even keep up with thatmyself in my own life.
How did he do that?
But he'd really valued women.
It wasn't very creative about it.
It was always at the MaverickBar, always over alcohol, and I
can imagine I was never there,but I can imagine that my mother
would have this conversationabout how her week went with the
(17:00):
children while he's out on theroad.
He was a truck driver and sohe'd come home on the weekends
and I think I can imagine herstarting at the top, or the
oldest child, and my father'sgetting annoyed at one child,
annoyed next, next, next, I'mnumber 10.
I'm way up here where he'sgoing to blow and I get the belt
(17:22):
or I get a severe spanking.
I remember one time I was blackand blue for more than three
weeks from one of those spanking.
It was just really harsh inthat way.
So I have this same stackingthing going on and I really want
to overcome that.
But I'm saying in my mind Idon't want to be angry.
It's like that double negativethat only works in math, that
(17:46):
you can multiply two negativenumbers together to get a
positive.
It doesn't work inrelationships, so it's not
working for me either.
So I had to figure out what todo next and so in this whole
process I'm thinking I've got tofigure out how to apply these
love languages.
So I contacted Dr Chapman andsaid asked him are you licensing
(18:08):
those little icons that youhave for each one of the love
languages?
Because I remember it as achild I had this idea that games
brought families together.
And games did bring us together.
There still was all the smacktalk, there still was all the
put downs, there still was astrategy in the competition, all
those things within that angryculture that were there.
(18:30):
But it brought the familytogether.
And his attorney wrote me backand said no, we're not licensing
those things.
So I went to a copyrightattorney here in my town and he
said theory like the lovelanguage theory is not
copyrightable.
Application is.
That's when I was able tocreate my own artwork, put it on
(18:51):
a die and make the die andcopyright it.
Jennifer (18:54):
Wow, what a story.
I think it's always fun to hearthe back stories of these
things, what inspires us to, andit's sometimes hard.
I don't know if you find this.
I feel like when I talk aboutmy story, it's kind of long and
I'm always like do you want theabbreviated or do you want the
long version of it?
It's like the abbreviatedversion is this, this, this,
this?
But none of these journeys arejust simple.
(19:15):
They're not linear.
We talked about that.
They're not.
They're not simple stories,right, and I think it's what
transpires in it and what's neatis, you know, that's why, in
the beginning, before I prefacethis, as I said, you know,
people look at where you are.
Now.
They don't know all the stuffin the middle, right?
So if they were to go from hereto here, they'd be like how did
you go from here to here?
Right, because they haven'tseen the whole journey.
And that's what behind thedreamers is.
(19:36):
It's really, you know, the, theinspiration, what led to the
work that you're doing today,and so I think, whatever it is
that gets you there you know,tragedy or whatever that trauma
or bad experience there's alwaysgood that comes out when we can
take that and find a way toserve other people with it.
Paul (19:51):
That actually served as a motivator for me, jennifer, and
I appreciate that questionbecause it really really kind of
was the impetus for, for change, wanting that change.
Now, instead of stacking thoseannoyances, I find myself stat
stacking the kindnesses, becausejust just think of that, it's a
stair step to, to higher lawsof love.
(20:13):
It's, if you, if you want toget to the, the, the higher law
of compassion, or the higher lawof charity or intimacy or
forgiveness or empathy or mercyor or sympathy any of those are
all higher laws of love.
These really, for me, havebecome the basic that everybody
really needs to know the basics,and we really only know our own
(20:36):
primary love language.
We need to broaden that, toknow all five love languages as
the basics to be able to stairstep to those higher laws.
Jennifer (20:46):
It's good, that's good , I love it.
So, moving into, I want to askkind of as an entrepreneur,
because obviously you are anentrepreneur, you have a book
and you have a tool and you'reyou've got.
I went on your website to lookat how you kind of packaged
everything.
I like it.
I would love to know and haveyou share with the audience
maybe One of the challenges thatyou faced and maybe you
(21:09):
mentioned earlier about gettingthe copyright and having that.
So I think that was somethingand good on you for you know,
doing the research on that,because you could have easily
just stopped and not proceededwith that right.
So good on you for that.
But maybe one of the challengesyou faced, you know, maybe
putting this together or Maybeyou can maybe basically even on
the tool in the book itself.
Paul (21:30):
Yeah, there are a lot of challenges I've.
It took about two years to getthe right artwork.
I just wasn't satisfied withthe artwork that I that was
coming from my designer, and itjust took about two years to get
the artwork.
During that two-year period I Istill had the need to be able
to practice the love languages,so I made my own little
(21:50):
prototype and it was clunky.
Just as that big.
I mean it's about two and ahalf inches by two and a half
inches square block of wood.
Try to try to cut a piece ofwood with the sharp corners and
then try to roll that.
It doesn't roll.
I mean it'd be weighted if youwanted to do physical touch
every single day, like a coupleattorneys have asked me to make
(22:12):
one like that For them.
That's all they want to giveaway, that's all they want to
receive.
They just want one that hasphysical touch on every single
side.
But try to roll that on on thefloor.
It seems like a weighted dieand it just isn't does.
It's just was very clunky inthe beginning so I had to.
These are the difference insize here you can see I had to
(22:33):
really size it down and reallykind of work with it.
I've had to find a dicemanufacturer, just I mean a lot
of things that I had to do to beable to get to this point.
Then, as I'm, then now I've gotthe die and now I'm taking it
around trying to market it andtrying to go to the Mental
(22:54):
health therapists people thatthat are in that industry
thinking that they're gonna justjust buy this like crazy, and
one that I went to last year In2022 is early in 2022.
He said that that this is, thisis great, but you have to do too
(23:14):
much explaining about it.
You really need a manual or youneed to write the right a book,
because it's quite different.
It absolutely makes you versedin all the love languages.
Quite a different applicationit's.
You're not.
There's no more guessing.
There's no more Survey to taketo discover what the love
(23:35):
language.
You're watching with yourobservation skills To discover
what their love language is, andI think that's really important
too.
There there was someone, acouple that I was working with,
that took the test.
He found, or she found out,that she was a service, and so
he's he's Mona lawn.
(23:55):
He's.
He's You're helping withlaundry.
He's vacuuming the carpet.
He's washing the dishes.
He's doing all these things,she's not lighting up when he
starts rolling the die and herolls words of affirmation.
Now she's lighting up, nowshe's happy, now she's right.
She really and it was almostlike it was.
(24:17):
She was a changed person.
Once he found out what reallylit her up then and started
working with that, theirmarriage really Became more
cohesive.
They they just became on thesame page, they understood one
another, and that's the whole.
Key to this is we're trying toimprove communication.
So so the challenges for fordoing that.
(24:39):
Just, it's a hard concept toexplain.
I mean, it takes a minute toexplain the concept, and so
that's why I'm here with you,jennifer, to yeah.
Jennifer (24:49):
No, I like it actually .
I think it's really good foryou know, because it's a
structure to me.
It's like it no longer becomes.
I got to think about what to do.
You've got the dye to fold thedye.
Now you fall.
Just it's a structure, you know, and I like it.
I think, I think this could be.
I'm like I need to send all mypeople that are having like
challenge.
We're like just go pick up thedye, get that book, get it, get
(25:11):
it and check it out, because fora lot of people that's not a
natural thing, it just doesn'tcome easily and and if they have
something that says do this,they can follow that.
You know what I mean.
So I love it and thank you forsharing you know the things that
you had to overcome, because Ithink that's important.
As an entrepreneur, I like tosay we real talk it here,
because I think sometimes peopleagain, I've mentioned this
several times they see you whereyou are now.
(25:32):
They don't know the hardshipsand the things that you had to
go through to get to where youare.
So thank you for sharing allthat.
I do want to ask you and Ithink you probably have said
this throughout this wholeconversation, but I would love
for you Maybe just to touch onwhat do you feel like you've
learned about yourself in thisjourney?
Paul (25:50):
I Think that the biggest thing that I've learned about
myself is the source of anger,and and I think that if you can
identify the source of anger,then you can you put you on the
spectrum.
You understand, I really, likemy sister must said, I really
didn't realize that I was soclose to that Angry culture on
(26:14):
that side of spectrum.
I like to explain it like thisthe other, the other day, I went
out walking and I found thiswalking stick.
Then on one side of it's verysmooth, it's about three and a
half feet long, the size of awalking stick.
This side is just got a knot onhere and I call this the
naughty side of the stick andthis is the nice side of stick.
(26:34):
You know, it's like Christmas,it's like Santa Claus has a
stick like that, the naughty andnice stick.
And so I realized that angerwas really on that naughty side
of stick and I was too.
Once you have thatself-actualization moment,
that's really where you can makesome goals and and make some
progress.
But you have to know whereyou're at what.
(26:55):
What worked for me, what, whatthat self-actualization moment
was, what I was being annoyed at, what other people were doing,
that I thought I could do better, that I thought I could make
choices for them and it reallyis none of my business.
Their choice and their, theiractions and doing what they're
(27:15):
doing is was really none of mydomain at all.
Once I realized that thatthey're gonna stay out of, stay
out of their business, let themmake their own choices If
they're, if they're failing, Ican offer advice, ask permission
to give advice, but unless theyaccept that offer or say, or
(27:36):
they say something like no, Idon't want that advice, then
you're done.
That's the end of theconversation.
When I realized that boundaryfor me, that I need to stay in
my lane.
Well, what is my lane?
Send out love and watch andreact appropriately when it
comes back and Not worry aboutthe choices of other people.
(27:56):
Once I started doing that, Irealized that I Started rolling
the die Simultaneously that,with that realization, came to
realize that that I'm watchingnow for what's right about
people and what can I love aboutpeople.
I used to watch for what's wrongwith people and I was looking
(28:19):
at that 10 or 20%, the bad of aperson, the minority part of a
person, and when I was lookingat that minority part of a
person, I was missing this wholehuge majority of what's right
about that person.
Now, as I roll the die andwatch for what's right about
that person, that's the hugechange there.
(28:39):
I am so busy even on one person.
You can find so many goodthings about them to talk about.
I'm so busy watching for what'sright about people.
I have no time to be annoyed notime.
And it was a replacementbehavior for me, jennifer.
So that replacement, I neededthat replacement.
I didn't know what to do withthe anger and I would say I
(29:02):
wanna stop and do all those stopand not do that, but all those
negative statements.
What do I wanna do was morepositive.
My brain accepted that the diehelped with that and start
focusing on what's right aboutpeople.
That really was the biggestchange that I've ever seen.
They take away.
Jennifer (29:20):
I love it, paul, it sounds to me, I mean, in
listening to everything thatyou're talking about and I love
this because I think that whenwe begin to serve other people,
that's when we have the mosttransformation in our own life,
and so what I'm in this wholething, I feel like it's for you,
what I'm hearing from you isthat this whole process to heal
yourself, it really was found intrying to find ways to serve
other people and it healed youin a lot of ways.
(29:41):
So I think that's the best wayto achieve success is helping
other people right, and I alwayssay that we learn the most when
we're doing service.
Like you know what, when wehave to find a way to help
somebody and we have to learn inthe process to do it, we grow
and I love it.
I was listening so many thingsyou said throughout this.
My friends make fun of mebecause I always talk about.
I get the chills when I havethese conversations and
(30:04):
sometimes I do a show.
I love all my people that havebeen on the show and sometimes
I'll have like one time whereI'm like I get the chills.
I've been listening to yourwhole thing on this.
Every time you say somethingI'm like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh
, like I can resonate with thisbecause I think that so much of
my work that I've been doing andwhat I do with other people has
really been about healingmyself.
It's been about letting go ofanger and things that I've held
onto and misplaced and beingable to find good.
(30:26):
And I really love, like I said,this dye because I think it
takes away the have to thinkabout it.
Now.
It's just you've got thedirection right.
You take the dye.
It tells you what you need todo for the day.
That's your active service.
Follow the dye.
It's simple for people tofollow.
Once they know it, I love it.
One last question I wanna askyou before we close this out.
You've said so many greatthings, but any advice that you
(30:47):
would give to somebody right now, maybe that wants to take it
away?
Let's just talk about writing abook.
Maybe they want to go andpursue their passion of starting
something, whether it's a bookor whatever their calling is
right now.
Paul (31:00):
Yeah.
So probably the best thing todo and what I found really very
helpful was to write all yourideas down, and the advice I had
was put them in 10 columns on awall.
Just make a sticky note of anyidea that you have and then
organize it into 10 columns.
As they're organized it intocolumns, then pretty soon you'll
(31:24):
have a whole list of, or awhole column of, sticky notes on
your wall.
That's one way.
I'm kind of an accountingbackground type person.
The spreadsheet worked just aswell for me, and that really was
how it worked as I organizedthe book in the chapters what do
I wanna write in thisparticular chapter and then
(31:46):
ideas would come.
When the ideas stopped coming,then was the time to start
writing, and it only took sixweeks.
That whole process of writingthe book only took six weeks
after I had the ideas down andout on the spreadsheet for me,
and it was just.
It was that simple, you know.
The other thing that we haven'ttalked about is I've got a
(32:07):
journal as well.
This is called the Role of LoveJournal, and in it most
journals would have a blank page.
This one actually providessuggestions what you rolled,
what opportunities you saw tolove in that way what you did
about those opportunities.
People really need thataccountability.
Just think it took me a longtime to realize that I'm
(32:28):
responsible for my own actions.
I kept blaming my father beingthe victim, blaming my father
for all the anger and everything, up until about age 35, that I
realized oh, I'm responsible formy own stuff and I think that
when people realize they'reresponsible for their own stuff,
that's gonna help launch theirbusiness as well.
(32:48):
It's gonna be.
You're in charge.
You are the person.
If it's gonna be done, you needto do it, or you need to find
someone that can help you do it.
I think that's probably thebest encouragement that I can
give right there.
Jennifer (33:03):
Yeah, all great advice .
I love that.
I have an accounting backgroundtoo, by the way.
That's why I was smiling whenyou said that I had somebody on
my show one time.
I did my mother was abookkeeper and so I thought I
was gonna go into accounting anddo CPA.
And then I got to tax law whichhas nothing really to do with
that and I was just out of it.
But I had somebody come on myshow one time and he's like no,
I just don't see you being anaccountant, so I didn't pursue
(33:26):
it.
But, paul, this has been great.
If our audience wants to get intouch with you, maybe they
wanna pick up the journal, theywanna get this.
I know you have these inpackages and stuff.
Where would you like us to sendthem?
Paul (33:37):
Probably the best place is to therolloflovecom R-O-L-E of
lovecom and you'll find thebundle package that we talked
about.
It's the, it's the cube, it'sthe book, it's the journal All
for $29.99 right now.
It's about 20% off what theretail price is and it's just
that special that we have goingon right now for anybody that's
(33:58):
listening.
Jennifer (33:58):
Okay, that's good, that's excellent, and so when I
love the journal, by the way, Ithink that that's great.
I was listening when you saidthat.
I was thinking gratitude iswhat that really comes down to,
absolutely.
At the end of the day Love it,so this has been great.
I wanna tell you thank you somuch for your authenticity.
Thanks for sharing.
I love what you're doing and itwas fun chatting with you and
learning a little bit more aboutthis.
Paul (34:18):
Thank you, jennifer, it's been my pleasure to be with you
Awesome.
Jennifer (34:21):
Awesome and to our audience, of course, we do wanna
say if you enjoy our show, headon over to Apple, give us a
review over there, hit thatsubscribe button on the YouTube
so we can keep sharing all thesefun and fabulous stories and
talking to these amazing people.
And, as I always say, in orderto live extraordinary you must
start, and every start beginswith a decision.
You guys, take care, be safe,be kind to one another.
(34:43):
We will see you next timeBecause, wow,
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