My Husband is a Pedophile, I called the police and turned him in. (A Crazy Reddit Ask Me Anything)

My Husband is a Pedophile, I called the police and turned him in. (A Crazy Reddit Ask Me Anything)

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Reddit, ask me anything. My husband is a paedophile.
UK, ask me anything. This year I found child
pornography produced by my husband on his PCI, called the
police and he was arrested. There is an active court case
currently in progress so I may have to skirt around some
specifics when it comes to the case.
My friends and family have been very supportive but also have

(00:22):
been morbidly curious about the insurance and outs of
everything. I thought this may be something
interesting to discuss here on Reddit.
Feel free to ask me anything. What was your first reaction?
I was in shock. Adrenaline took over and I had
the shakes. Initially I thought he was
having an affair, but when I realized what I had seen I
called a friend, sister-in-law of one of the children.

(00:45):
When I spoke with her it clarified in my mind that this
was big bad and I needed to callthe police.
I spent most of that day shakingand drinking lots of tea.
It was only an hour or so in that it dawned on me that my
life was about to change in a drastic way.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Shit, what about the house?
What about husband's name? What about kids names?

(01:09):
I have been a lurker on Reddit for over six years.
I finally signed up a user account today just so that I
could leave this comment. Thank you.
You are doing the right thing. I am a 35 year old man, have
dealt with PTSD and repressed memories from childhood sexual
abuse. I will never see my violator
brought to justice because everyone involved was too scared

(01:31):
or confused to do anything aboutit when I was a helpless child.
Again, thank you. You are doing the right thing
and in your own way. You are a hero.
Do not be afraid of the fallout from this.
You are on the side of justice. Were you guys married for a long
time? If so, was there any suspicion
or hints he gave along the way? This sounds like an incredibly

(01:53):
tough situation to be in. All the best with coming to
terms with it. Red heart suit.
We have been together for around10 years and married for around
3:00. At the time I was blind to it,
but in retrospect there were definitely some things I should
have spotted. He was always interested in
supporting younger girls and hadquite a few on Snapchat.
He was in his 30s but I generally thought that he was

(02:15):
being helpful and kind to our extended family and friendship
group. He was generally quite a tactile
person and enjoyed snuggling up with a blanket on the sofa with
friends, so when he was also doing this with young teens,
this didn't ring any alarm bell for me.
There were also a few times thathe was alone at home with
children, but I saw this as babysitting.
Something that I am having to deal with with a therapist is

(02:37):
learning what is normal behavior.
I don't want to be skeptical of everyone in the world because
only a small minority of people have bad intentions, but equally
in the future with relationshipsI want to be aware of red flags.
What do you mean by supporting younger girls?
How young? And are you saying he was
friends with them on Snapchat and you didn't find that?

(02:57):
Wit aged around 12:14 as far as I believe.
Giving them friendly advice, forexample school or support with
mental health. At the time I didn't find this
weird as they were family or family friends enjoyed snuggling
up with a blanket on the sofa with friends.
So when he was also doing this with young teens this didn't
ring any alarm bells for me. WTFI understand how it sounds

(03:22):
and in retrospect it does sound ridiculous.
However at the time it just feltso normal.
We would all as a group be on the sofa with blankets during
movie nights, including family of a child in question.
I think little things like this became normalized.
That to me does sound normal. Cozying up with young family
members on the sofa for to watcha film is normal and shouldn't

(03:43):
be seen as a sign of something more sinister.
I don't have any questions but Iread how you found it and didn't
ask him, you just turned him in.And I really want to just say
how grateful I am that people like you exist in the world.
Because frankly that's a shitty,shitty situation and we'd all
wonder why. But why frankly just isn't the
priority in that situation. And he can answer that in jail.

(04:05):
Thank you. I have a number of friends who
tell me that I have been brave, but honestly it just felt like
the right thing to do. Nothing brave about that him ho.
How are the victims dealing withhis arrest and his crimes
becoming public? Was he making videos and images
for his own collection or was itan attempt to sell trade with
other pedophiles? Scary to imagine those images

(04:27):
floating around the Internet forever.
Was this suicide comment a reflection of his own guilt
around the circumstances or something unrelated?
What are the ways in which you've found healing?
You are incredibly brave and selfless for reporting him.
Thank you for being a good person.
I say this as a male victim of abuse when I was underage.
How are the victims dealing withhis arrest and his crimes

(04:50):
becoming public? They've struggled.
They were groomed and believed that they were in relationships
with him so that has been hard with them to get their heads
around. Also learning that what has
happened to them is wrong. The crimes haven't been publicly
reported yet, that is local press, but I imagine when it
goes to court it probably will. I hope that their names aren't

(05:10):
released as part of the this though.
Was he making videos and images for his own collection or was it
an attempt to sell trade with other pedophiles?
Scary to imagine those images floating around the Internet
forever. I hope and believe that they
were for his own personal collection, but I don't know.
Was this suicide comment a reflection of his own guilt
around the circumstances or something unrelated?

(05:32):
I'm not sure if it was a true reflection of his guilt or him
manipulating me. One of the people he turned to
for help with his suicide comment was the mother of one of
the children, which could indicate either.
What are the ways in which you've found healing?
Counseling, lots of tea, mindfulness, kitting, cuddles,
sleep, spending time with my amazing friends, looking at the

(05:54):
bright side of situations, drinking lots of water, going
for walks, medication. I'm certainly not there yet but
trying my best to put in healthybehaviours to help.
You are incredibly brave and selfless for reporting him.
Thank you for being a good person.
I say this as a male victim of abuse when I was underage.

(06:14):
Thank you. I hope that you have found
healing and peace from your situation.
Has this situation inflicted damage on yourself esteem or do
you realize it's a him thing massively from a physical
perspective, I don't feel attractive from a mental
capacity due to the situation. My memory has gone to pot and I
struggle at work. I'm usually quite a high

(06:36):
achieving person and the fact that I am not mentally as
capable has really knocked my confidence.
I hope through self-care, the amazing support network that I
haven't professional help that Iwill start to rebuild and gain
myself esteem again. You'll eventually get to a point
where you'll realize that he wasgoing to do this no matter what.
It's a psychological problem with him.

(06:57):
I'm sure he did find you attractive and does love you,
but it's something wrong with him, not you.
You're brave as hell for doing this and extremely strong.
I have no doubt if you can do this, you'll be able to do that
as well. I'll get there eventually and
hope that he did care for me andfind me attractive.
I'm just learning at the moment to try and get myself worth

(07:18):
myself rather than validation from my my partner.
Something easier said than done.What was the folder called?
It was hidden in a program file.I can't remember the specific
path but it was something like program name, common app data
setup, general. How did you find the folder?
My husband had been acting strange and had told me that he

(07:39):
was suicidal. He didn't want to speak to me
about this. I knew that he had been speaking
to some people online, so I logged on to his PC.
When he went to work I saw that he'd spoken with A friend and
downloaded some bits. I went on his recently changed
folders and this was a folder which came up.
I'm fairly tech savvy myself andsomething didn't seem quite

(08:00):
right about the file path. How do you feel about him and
the time you have spent with him?
In retrospect it's really difficult to believe that my
husband has done all of this. I find it easier to think of my
husband and the paedophile as two different people.
I believe he must have some sociopathic tendencies to have
been able to have led should a double life.

(08:21):
In retrospect I have realized that he was quite manipulative
with me and I didn't see this atthe time.
In another breathe I spent 10 years of my life with him and
learnt and grew as a person. We shared so many in a fond
experiences and I can't write those chapters out of my story.
I thank him for making me the person I am today, but it is
really difficult for me to accept how much evil he has

(08:43):
done. The more evidence that has come
out as part of the court case, the more I realize the person
who I knew and loved wasn't real.
I don't know how much sense thatmakes, but I hope it answers
your question. Do people treat you as if you
have committed the crime too, orare they supportive of what you
did once you found out? At this moment in time, only the

(09:03):
families involved, a few of my friends and my employer are
aware of the situation. All of the people who I have
spoken to have been very supportive of me.
However, I am concerned when it becomes public knowledge I may
run into issues. For example, if my neighbors
find out, they may not know thatI was the one who handed him in.
Was the first thing on your mindto get him imprisoned, or did

(09:25):
you consider discussing this matter with him and seeing if
you could work it out? I think I was in shock initially
when I realized what the images and videos were.
To begin with, I thought he was cheating on me, and then I
noticed that I recognized the children and the images.
I called a friend prior to calling the police and I
remember distinctly asking how this is police bad, isn't it?

(09:45):
When I called the police, I don't think I was aware of the
consequences of that action. It was only afterwards that it
dawned on me how much my life was going to be turned upside
down. I haven't wanted to speak with
my husband because I don't want him to try and win me back over.
Do you know if it was only children he knew or random
Internet stuff? Do you think he was physically

(10:06):
abusive toward children? Your children?
Sorry if too personal. No problem at all.
As far as I'm aware it was children that we knew.
However there could be more thatI'm not aware of.
I saw a folder on his PC but once I realized what it was I
didn't look any further. I know that he has had sex with
children, however I don't know if he hit any children.

(10:26):
Luckily I don't have my own children.
Have you talked to the parents of the children or any of the
children that you recognize knowfrom the images?
What has that conversation been like?
I can't imagine having to go through this as a parent.
Thank you for doing the right thing.
What a nightmare. Yes I have, luckily I didn't

(10:47):
have to be the one who broke thenews as I gave the information
to the police and they spoke with the parents.
He had groomed the children intobelieving that they were in
relationships with him and if they told anyone that it would
ruin their families and break uphis family too.
One of the children originally denied it when the police came
but later confessed. Conversations have been hard but
necessary. We're all on the same side so to

(11:09):
speak, so have been very supportive of each other.
One of the parents wanted me to go into all of the details,
which was hard, but I felt it was necessary for her to hear it
because she really wanted to know.
Because I am not a victim of thecrimes, the police haven't
really been keeping me up to date, so I've been receiving
updates via the parents of the victims regarding the I can

(11:31):
empathize with you. I found out last year that my
then best friend was a pedophile.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you out, but I'm
still struggling with it. If you could go back in time,
would you still want to meet Tim?
Thank you so much for reporting that sick duck.
How many victims did he have? How many years would he get for

(11:51):
being a pedophile? 15 is also technically underage,
which was when you'd met him. Could you also use yourself as
evidence to testify against him about his methods tactics?
I love the username. At this moment in time I'm not
sure of how many victims there are.
I'm aware of three. We haven't been given time
scales because he hasn't been officially charges at this

(12:13):
point. The way that the legal system
works in the UK, as the police will investigate, once they have
the evidence they need to charge, they will go to CPS and
present the items they feel theyhave enough evidence for.
That is statutory rape, possession of indecent images,
production of indecent images, depending on the items they are
able to charge for will depend on the amount of time he could

(12:35):
be put away for. I have given the police a
statement and they have asked mequestions regarding the
beginning of our relationship, but I think it will depend on
whether or not that will supportwhatever they eventually charge
him with. I hope that that makes sense and
answers your questions. A few questions, if you don't
mind. What do you feel when you think
about your husband now? What do you feel about yourself

(12:58):
having fallen in love with someone who's done these things?
Have you spoken to your husband since he's been arrested and
what was his reaction to the crime?
What are you going to do now? Hey, no problem at all.
I feel very conflicted. I explained it in a bit more
detail in one of the other comments, but I find it easier
to think of my husband as two people.

(13:19):
My husband, the man I knew and loved in the pedophile who did
these awful things. The more that has come out over
the court case, the more I realize how little I knew of the
true person he was. I do think he must be mentally
ill. I love my husband to pieces, but
I don't think that person is real.
Just a side of my husband that he presented to me when we met.
I was 15 and he was in his 20s and in hindsight this could have

(13:41):
been a red flag. I was young and not even
vulnerable to someone who was elder and exciting and liked all
of the things I was interested in.
I do feel a lot of shame around the situation and that I was in
love with him and didn't spot things sooner, but I take solace
in the fact that I acted as soonas I knew what was going on.
I do beat myself up from not spotting the signs.

(14:03):
My husband is not allowed to speak with me as part of his
bail conditions. His mum passed along a mess
message that he loved me but that has been the extent of
things. Sorry, nothing too exciting.
I'm stuck in limbo at the moment.
I'm waiting for the court case to happen.
No date yet as they're collecting and investigating the
evidence. I'm currently in the marital

(14:24):
home and will look to file for divorce once he has been
prosecuted. Luckily we haven't got children
so once the divorce has been finalized that should be the end
of any contact that we might have.
When we met I was 15 and he was in his 20s and in hindsight this
could have been a red flag. This is a huge red flag.
That is to adults, not so much to you.

(14:45):
What did the people around you think about you seeing someone
so much older when you were justa kid?
Parents, friends, ETC. We only officially started
dating when I was 16. My mom was very unhappy about
the situation, but after a couple of years dating him he
had won her over. My friends didn't really
vocalize any concerns they had. His friends used to joke about

(15:07):
him being a pedophile for datingme and it was always the running
joke but didn't raise with me any serious concerns.
I feel like his friends should have been weirded out by it.
I'm 22 and if one of my mates started dating a 16 year old I'd
find it very weird. I know it's technically legal at
that age but you, someone of that age wouldn't even be on my

(15:30):
radar. Have you told your mum what you
discovered? How does she feel about it all?
Yeah, I'm in my mid 20s now and if one of my friends dated a
teenager I'd have questions. Yes, I've told my mom she wants
to have 5 minutes in a loner locked room with him if I'm on a
sexy. I think she harbors a lot of
guilt over the situation, especially because she has had

(15:51):
safeguarding training as part ofher work and feels that she
should have spotted the sign sooner.
What did you do with his stuff? Burn them?
Throw away? Give to his parents.
The temptation was to definitelyburn it and destroy everything.
However, I've returned his things backed at him.
I'm trying to be as amicable as possible because I'm aware that

(16:11):
we will have to go through a divorce process and don't want
to be seen as a rational. How are his victims?
How much support have you all been given?
Had anyone blamed you? Nobody has explicitly blamed me,
or at least they haven't told methat.
The victims aren't doing great to be honest.
Luckily they have all been able to have psychological help and

(16:32):
they also have liaisons with thepolice.
I have had to be proactive with my own support.
I wasn't referred by the police for any Victim Support.
I have to say this is incrediblybrave for you to turn him in and
now be so candid about it. Thank you.
Have you been in touch with the victims family?
How are they reacting to you? There is some speculation that

(16:53):
pedophilia is a sexual orientation and as such there is
no way to fix these abuses. What are your thoughts on that?
I have to say this is incrediblybrave for you to turn him in and
now be so candid about it. Thank you.
Thank you. I find talking about it helps
and appreciate that it's not an everyday occurrence so people
may find it interesting. Have you been in touch with the

(17:14):
victim's family? How are they reacting to you?
Yes I have, they are very grateful for what I have done
and have been very supportive ofme.
We have pulled together during this hard time.
There is some speculation that pedophilia is a sexual
orientation and as such there isno way to fix these abuses.
What are your thoughts on that? I personally believe that it is

(17:35):
a sexual preference like a fetish.
However, there is a difference between acting on those urges
and not. People can do things to satisfy
these urges, for example while playing without harming
children. I know that people can also go
to therapy for these feelings asthere could be reasons for this
fetish, for example something happening during puberty which
has caused the attraction. I believe that acting on those

(17:58):
urges and having sex with a child child or consuming child
pornography hurts innocent children and is not acceptable.
I am by no means a professional and have no sources to back up
these opinions though. Did he ever direct any abuse
toward you? Only psychologically after
hearing the testimony of the children?
I personally believe that I was groomed by him when I was

(18:19):
younger and he has emotionally manipulated me over the years.
Hello, you made it to the end. You're a ducking beast.
I'll cut you a deal. Smash like and subscribe for
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