Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Marriage is a house, and you have different rules rooms,
and you have different rules for each house. And sometimes
people can look at the people on stage and look
at your social media and think everything is perfect for
you and that you never have conflict, that you never
you know, are in the dog house or anything like that.
So dispel that that myth. How do you handle conflict
(00:23):
in your relationship?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, so you talked about houses. We actually have these
three frames because.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
You listen, he makes everything a summon, y'all, watch, watch, watch.
That's why I always let him go first.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
Loosely, I like to go first because mine don't be
as good.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
I'm gonna be like we we we just make it happen.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
And then he gonna come with go.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Babe, go you got this?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Okay, you got this? You got so you want to
do the frame?
Speaker 3 (00:54):
No, go ahead, I gotta do it what you get, right,
So we.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Got we got the A frame you already know it is.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
So the A.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Frame is when you're so dependent on each other that
if somebody loses that balance, somebody falls, and so A
frame relationships are unhealthy because if she moves, I'm a mess.
And then we got the H frame relationship, which means
that we still have connectivity, but we're one situation away
(01:25):
from separation.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
But then we have our M frame. The M stands
for marriage. Now she's on her feet, I'm on my feet.
But try to get in between this.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
Well, we got a circle frame. I didn't like that.
(02:09):
I didn't like that.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
I didn't know we was cheerleading. That's at the other convention.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So no matter what your alphabet is, if you a MRO,
you gotta make your marriage work. But I love that
because you have two couples here and they used but
they're saying the same thing. If you listen carefully, they're
saying the same thing, but how they express it comes
out differently. So when you're sitting here and you're listening,
(02:42):
we don't want you to mimic them. We want you
to take the principle and then apply it to your
life and apply it to your marriage.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Okay, and Sarah kind of answered this, But I want
to ask go a little deeper. How do you make
time for you you in the relationship, because that's one
of your spaces, is how do you make time for
you in the relationship without losing connectivity to your your mate?
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Go ahead tea time.
Speaker 5 (03:13):
She mentioned t time that that's a to ray time.
I think that first of all, it's the consciousness that
if I don't get time just to me, to minister
to me, then TNS time is not going to be
what it can be. And she's learning that because like
(03:34):
when I used to, you know, fly somewhere or drive
somewhere or whatever, she used to be a little, you know,
a little like really you get to do that, you know.
But the version of me that she would get when
I got back was so elevated and so loving and
(03:55):
so patient and so you know what I mean that
she started sending me away, don't you need you some
tea time? And so I think for me, it's we
have an agreement. Now I can't. I mean, I was
trying to take some tea time.
Speaker 4 (04:15):
Don't do that.
Speaker 5 (04:16):
Okay, okay, sometimes she would jump on the plane. But
but but we have an agreement.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Where we going right fell a heavy we in my spirit.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
On this side.
Speaker 5 (04:29):
But we give each other permission, so I'll say, and
she'll do the same. She gets her time. But you know, hey, listen,
I'm feeling like I need these few days. And by
the way, it is not a rejection of her. And
this is really important because because me saying I need
some tea time is not me saying I need time
(04:49):
away from Sarah. It actually has nothing to do with
Sarah or the kids and anybody else. But it is
me recognizing what my soul needs to be the healthiest
version of Teray. But you can't get there unless there's communication,
because it will look like you're running away from your
(05:10):
spouse and from your kids, if from work. It's not
that I'm not run away from nothing. I'm running to
a better and healthier version of myself. So there's communication
prior to me leaving, prior to her leaving, and then
there's an agreement. There's sometimes where I can't go, Okay,
I have this need, but as we look at our family,
as we look at our work landscape, whatever we might
(05:32):
need in our sphere of influence, there's sometimes where I
have to put it off or you know what Sarah
will do. Sometimes I'll go in and Sho'll go. So
it's just the communication part is big.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
I'll tell you.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
So the first time that he said he needed some
tea time, that was unfamiliar to me, like time to himself,
and I had to really work through that one because
I've just been in bad relationships in the past, and
I'm like, let me roll up at this hotel. Hell,
(06:03):
let me risk it all. You know what I'm saying, like,
don't let me, you know. And then when I realized
that that was just my old trauma coming up and
that I was attributing his character to previous experiences, I
had to learn to really grow and trust him and
(06:24):
trust God, and you know, so that was one thing.
Then I started getting resentful though, because I think, as
the facilitator of the kids, the facilitator of the house,
I have this idea in my head that if I leave,
this whole thing gonna fall apart. And that's not true.
(06:48):
I did not create in my mind enough room for
the house to fall apart, in that being okay for
the kids to be off their schedule and that be okay,
for him to not do things the way that I
would do them, and for that to be okay. But
the idea that like he was going away getting some
time when I was like burnt out, losing myself, it
(07:11):
used to create a lot of resentment ultimately, not just
within me, but in our marriage. So anytime he needs
time away. Now I'm thinking about all of the times
where I need time away. Am I making this look
so easy? I wish somebody would just send me away
instead of using my own words to advocate for my
own needs. And so when the first time that I
did go away, it was really more IDA like I'm
(07:34):
I'm gonna show you that when I'm gone, woo do
woo to ooh. And but then when I got there
by myself, I'm like, WHOA, I can do this without
it being a punishment or retaliation for him being gone,
and it not changed the dynamic of our relationship. And
I get an opportunity to get what I need to
and we're talking like two days at a hotel up
(07:55):
the street. And sometimes I do have to call in
extra reinforcements, right because he not go lay edges. And
if my girls at school and they edges ain't lay,
what kind of mother? Am I? You know what I mean?
So like sometimes I do call in reinforcement. Can somebody
you know, here's the door dash, here's what they order,
here's the snack routine. Like I do have to help
(08:16):
facilitate it, But the time for me to recalibrate be
by myself, not be bothered when I'm in the bathroom,
walk around with my wig off, be crazy, eat food
in the bed, watch ratchet television. Then pray. This is
how I know how to pray effectively is when I
see what's happening in the world. God, I bring my sister.
Speaker 4 (08:39):
Niedi to you.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
She's throwing drinks at people, you know, And I feel
like a woman, and I think, let me just say this.
I think part of what makes it difficult for women
to feel sexy and to show up as women in
their marriages is we are legitimately so tired thinking about
too much tomorrow that the idea that I can throw
(09:02):
it in a circle tonight is unreasonable.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, but I.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Have found that when I disconnect from my responsibilities and
I have a minute to recalibrate that I this circle
still circulates.
Speaker 5 (09:18):
You need to I think you need to go to Jamaica.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I just thought the Lord's speaking.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Send me, Lord, send me. I just send me Lord,
Marriage is a house, and you have different rules rooms,
and you have different rules for each house. And sometimes
people can look at the people on stage and look
at your social media and think everything is perfect for
you and that you never have conflict, that you never
you know, are in the dog house or anything like that.
So dispel that that myth. How do you handle conflict
(00:23):
in your relationship?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, so you talked about houses. We actually have these
three frames because.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
You listen, he makes everything a summon, y'all, watch, watch, watch.
That's why I always let him go first.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
Loosely, I like to go first because mine don't be
as good.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
I'm gonna be like we we we just make it happen.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
And then he gonna come with go.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Babe, go you got this?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Okay, you got this? You got so you want to
do the frame?
Speaker 3 (00:54):
No, go ahead, I gotta do it what you get, right,
So we.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Got we got the A frame you already know it is.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
So the A.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Frame is when you're so dependent on each other that
if somebody loses that balance, somebody falls, and so A
frame relationships are unhealthy because if she moves, I'm a mess.
And then we got the H frame relationship, which means
that we still have connectivity, but we're one situation away
(01:25):
from separation.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
But then we have our M frame. The M stands
for marriage. Now she's on her feet, I'm on my feet.
But try to get in between this.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
Well, we got a circle frame. I didn't like that.
(02:09):
I didn't like that.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
I didn't know we was cheerleading. That's at the other convention.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So no matter what your alphabet is, if you a MRO,
you gotta make your marriage work. But I love that
because you have two couples here and they used but
they're saying the same thing. If you listen carefully, they're
saying the same thing, but how they express it comes
out differently. So when you're sitting here and you're listening,
(02:42):
we don't want you to mimic them. We want you
to take the principle and then apply it to your
life and apply it to your marriage.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Okay, and Sarah kind of answered this, But I want
to ask go a little deeper. How do you make
time for you you in the relationship, because that's one
of your spaces, is how do you make time for
you in the relationship without losing connectivity to your your mate?
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Go ahead tea time.
Speaker 5 (03:13):
She mentioned t time that that's a to ray time.
I think that first of all, it's the consciousness that
if I don't get time just to me, to minister
to me, then TNS time is not going to be
what it can be. And she's learning that because like
(03:34):
when I used to, you know, fly somewhere or drive
somewhere or whatever, she used to be a little, you know,
a little like really you get to do that, you know.
But the version of me that she would get when
I got back was so elevated and so loving and
(03:55):
so patient and so you know what I mean that
she started sending me away, don't you need you some
tea time? And so I think for me, it's we
have an agreement. Now I can't. I mean, I was
trying to take some tea time.
Speaker 4 (04:15):
Don't do that.
Speaker 5 (04:16):
Okay, okay, sometimes she would jump on the plane. But
but but we have an agreement.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Where we going right fell a heavy we in my spirit.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
On this side.
Speaker 5 (04:29):
But we give each other permission, so I'll say, and
she'll do the same. She gets her time. But you know, hey, listen,
I'm feeling like I need these few days. And by
the way, it is not a rejection of her. And
this is really important because because me saying I need
some tea time is not me saying I need time
(04:49):
away from Sarah. It actually has nothing to do with
Sarah or the kids and anybody else. But it is
me recognizing what my soul needs to be the healthiest
version of Teray. But you can't get there unless there's communication,
because it will look like you're running away from your
(05:10):
spouse and from your kids, if from work. It's not
that I'm not run away from nothing. I'm running to
a better and healthier version of myself. So there's communication
prior to me leaving, prior to her leaving, and then
there's an agreement. There's sometimes where I can't go, Okay,
I have this need, but as we look at our family,
as we look at our work landscape, whatever we might
(05:32):
need in our sphere of influence, there's sometimes where I
have to put it off or you know what Sarah
will do. Sometimes I'll go in and Sho'll go. So
it's just the communication part is big.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
I'll tell you.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
So the first time that he said he needed some
tea time, that was unfamiliar to me, like time to himself,
and I had to really work through that one because
I've just been in bad relationships in the past, and
I'm like, let me roll up at this hotel. Hell,
(06:03):
let me risk it all. You know what I'm saying, like,
don't let me, you know. And then when I realized
that that was just my old trauma coming up and
that I was attributing his character to previous experiences, I
had to learn to really grow and trust him and
(06:24):
trust God, and you know, so that was one thing.
Then I started getting resentful though, because I think, as
the facilitator of the kids, the facilitator of the house,
I have this idea in my head that if I leave,
this whole thing gonna fall apart. And that's not true.
(06:48):
I did not create in my mind enough room for
the house to fall apart, in that being okay for
the kids to be off their schedule and that be okay,
for him to not do things the way that I
would do them, and for that to be okay. But
the idea that like he was going away getting some
time when I was like burnt out, losing myself, it
(07:11):
used to create a lot of resentment ultimately, not just
within me, but in our marriage. So anytime he needs
time away. Now I'm thinking about all of the times
where I need time away. Am I making this look
so easy? I wish somebody would just send me away
instead of using my own words to advocate for my
own needs. And so when the first time that I
did go away, it was really more IDA like I'm
(07:34):
I'm gonna show you that when I'm gone, woo do
woo to ooh. And but then when I got there
by myself, I'm like, WHOA, I can do this without
it being a punishment or retaliation for him being gone,
and it not changed the dynamic of our relationship. And
I get an opportunity to get what I need to
and we're talking like two days at a hotel up
(07:55):
the street. And sometimes I do have to call in
extra reinforcements, right because he not go lay edges. And
if my girls at school and they edges ain't lay,
what kind of mother? Am I? You know what I mean?
So like sometimes I do call in reinforcement. Can somebody
you know, here's the door dash, here's what they order,
here's the snack routine. Like I do have to help
(08:16):
facilitate it, But the time for me to recalibrate be
by myself, not be bothered when I'm in the bathroom,
walk around with my wig off, be crazy, eat food
in the bed, watch ratchet television. Then pray. This is
how I know how to pray effectively is when I
see what's happening in the world. God, I bring my sister.
Speaker 4 (08:39):
Niedi to you.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
She's throwing drinks at people, you know, And I feel
like a woman, and I think, let me just say this.
I think part of what makes it difficult for women
to feel sexy and to show up as women in
their marriages is we are legitimately so tired thinking about
too much tomorrow that the idea that I can throw
(09:02):
it in a circle tonight is unreasonable.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Well, but I.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Have found that when I disconnect from my responsibilities and
I have a minute to recalibrate that I this circle
still circulates.
Speaker 5 (09:18):
You need to I think you need to go to Jamaica.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I just thought the Lord's speaking.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Send me, Lord, send me. I just send me Lord,
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