The Good Little Drug Lord with Sean Hemeon

Sean Hemeon is an actor (9-1-1, True Blood, Criminal Minds), artist and author who has penned the book The Good Little Drug Lord - a story of a former Mormon drug dealer who found redemption as a narc for the federal government. Sean shares his compelling story of recovery and fortune with me and you won't want to miss it. Follow Sean on instagram @sean_hemeon or his website www.seanhemeon.com to stay up to date on all things and to get the release date of his book.

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/boundless-authenticity--6200007/support.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Cloundish Authenticity podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
Thanks for tuning in to Boundless Authenticity. A big thank
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(00:26):
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on the guests that you want to hear from. New
episodes drop three times a month, the sixth, sixteenth, and
the twenty sixth, so mark your calendars. Get ready for

(00:50):
a fascinating conversation with my guest today, Sean Hemian. Sean
is not only a talented actor known for his roles
on nine to one, one, Criminal Minds, and The CW's Husbands,
but also an inspiring writer. His book, The Good Little
Drug Lord tells the gripping true story of a former
Mormon drug dealer who finds redemption in the most unexpected

(01:13):
ways as an undercover narc working for the federal government.
In this powerful memoir, Sean takes us on a wild
ride through encounters with the Russian mafia and intense battle
with his own demons and raw confrontrations, confrontations. I can't
even talk anymore. What is happening with the people who
shaped his journey, his mother and the mother of a

(01:35):
young man who lost his life because of his past mistakes.
Trust me, this is one story you don't want to miss.

Speaker 1 (01:45):
I'm not laughing, it's it's just hearing it all together again,
Like that is just so Yeah, it's a serious subject,
but you.

Speaker 2 (01:53):
Know, yeah, it's strange. I can imagine when you send
me the email, I was like, this is definitely something
I want to talk about because if this is all
rooted in real life stuff. As a therapist, I have

(02:16):
heard some of the craziest and darkest stories about, for example,
human trafficking. I know one client years ago, her neighbors
just picked her up from Canada and just threw on
a plane and took her to Diana and like we're
waterboarding her and she got stuck in a human trafficking

(02:37):
ring and it was vile, and I was like this
that was like for me, that was the first time
I realized that this kind of stuff really happens on
mass you know. So when you're telling me about drug
trafficking for the Russian mafia or whatever, I'm like, what,
you know, you.

Speaker 1 (02:56):
Know what's so funny about that? In the beginning, as
I was being introduced to all of this, that's one
of the things that was so appealing to me. I mean,
this is take this out with the grain of salt,
but like the being introduced to like the underbelly of
the world, like things that were happening behind the scenes,

(03:16):
was like, oh, this is how the world really works,
Like we're all living in this lie up here, but
underneath here like this is you know, the CD underbelly.
Like that's what was so fascinating to me.

Speaker 2 (03:29):
Yeah, I can imagine it being something like straight out
of Plato's allegory of the Cave or whatever. The guy
gets free and he sees how the world really is,
and he comes back and he tries to warn people,
but they don't listen, you know.

Speaker 1 (03:39):
So well, yeah, and especially for my very black and
white Christian Mormon mind. It was so naive and so,
you know, to me now, it's like I don't have
to go do that experience to understand how the world
really works. But to my like such my innocent, pure mind,
it was like, wow, the world is so different than
what I thought.

Speaker 2 (04:01):
Yeah, so let's go to the beginning. How on earth
did you end up being a Mormon drug dealer?

Speaker 3 (04:09):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (04:09):
Lord, Lord Lord, well, how much time do we have?

Speaker 4 (04:11):
No?

Speaker 1 (04:11):
I you know this is I I obviously, you know,
with the amount of time we actually do have, I
don't think I'll get through everything. So I'll try to
summarize as best I can, Like, how the hell does
that happen? You did mention the book, and you know
there'll be opportunities for people to read that or or
listen to part two of the podcast whatever, you know,

(04:33):
but uh, how does that happen? I mean, you know
in the book. Actually, I will say this. I do
go forward in time to the rise and fall, like
the actual how does that happen? But I also go
back in time because it's I'm asking myself like, wait,
how does that happen? You know, not the actual you know,

(04:54):
like the emotional, spiritual journey of like, wait, how the
can I curse on this? How the fuck does that happen?
So that's so when you read, uh, you'll again, you'll
see me go forward in time and backward at a time, because, uh,
how do where would you like me to begin?

Speaker 2 (05:15):
Like start when you were an embryo?

Speaker 1 (05:18):
I don't know, Like, well, well, buckle up, it's gonna
be a long ride. No, okay. So uh so I
was raised Mormon. Let's start there, and and uh family
of seven, my father, my mother married outside the church.

(05:41):
My father was never Mormon, but my mother was adamant
about raising us in the Mormon church, and my dad
supported that. But it was always so strange. You know,
Mormons are like, don't drink, don't see rated our movies,
don't And then we come home and my dad would
be smoking and being like, get the fuck out of
the way, my rated our movie. And we'd be like,
what's going on? But I really was closer to my

(06:04):
mother and so, and you can pathologize all the reasons
why I was closer to her. She was very depressed,
so I you know, I try to always make you
say I was saving her blah blah blah. So I
tried really hard to be a good Mormon boy, and
I was. And when I asked a lot of questions
about a lot of things that didn't make sense to

(06:25):
the Mormon Church that they were just like, now, now,
little boy, just pray harder. You don't have enough faith.
And so I was like, I don't have enough faith,
and so I prayed harder. But when I was thirteen ish,
and I sensed it before then, I realized, oh, I
might have a thing for my guy best friend next
to me. But this is the nineties, this is a
Mormon church. This is like no no, And I, again,

(06:51):
being the best little Mormon boy in the world, truly
believed I was living in a Mormon god world and
truly believed that this is the worst thing that could
happen to a person. I mean, it was up there
with murder. So I thought, now I was living in
a world with a God who not only didn't like me,
but it loathed me enough to curse me with this

(07:15):
gain is you know, I really believed that. I really
really believe that. At thirteen, the point where I was
like I wanted to die, I was like, this God
makes me want to die. So that was the sort
of beginning of the torment and the pain. You know,
horrible things happened around that time.

Speaker 4 (07:31):
I was.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
There was molestation from you know, I might have been
one of the first, like this is like ninety three,
ninety four, I might have been one of the first
like online predator victims. Crazy, you know. So when my
older brother offered to take me out with him and
I had my first drink of alcohol, no surprise, having

(07:54):
that and finding some kind of relief from this torment,
I was like, what is this? This is amazing. I
want this and I want this all the time. And
so I was primed for that. I was, you know,
and by the time I was eighteen, graduating from high school,
I was already drinking during the week. You know, I
was you know, I was black and out by that time.
I was. I was. And by that time I had
left the church and I had I was sort of

(08:20):
saved from the existential spiritual torment of living with the
Mormon God because I fell in love with my best
friend and I and it was so pure that I
was like and we were like on and off for
all four years, like undercover, but it was so pure
and it's feeling that like, if something this feels this

(08:43):
good and this right, it can be so right and
something's wrong with this over here. And so I sort
of started dismantling what I thought God was at that time.

Speaker 3 (08:52):
But it.

Speaker 1 (08:54):
Didn't matter. I didn't have the tools to deal with
everything that I just described. I was what is an
eighteen year old to do with that? And when I
came out to my mother at nineteen after you know,
that best friend and I we broke up, and that
was he was literally my world. And so when we
broke up, I thought I lost my world. You could
say he became my god. I went from the Mormon

(09:15):
god to this god. And when I lost that god,
I was like, well that's it. My world's over it.
Let me start cutting my wrists. My mother found me
and this was my outing. How tragic is that? Now?
Excuse me for laughing, But like I have to say,
when I first started writing the book, I had read
a bunch of other memoirs, you know, and they can

(09:38):
become very like like look what happened to me, like
masturbatory just kind of and so I kind of threw
up my hands. I was like, ah, I don't want
this to be sad, and I was like, oh, that's
the title of the book. So for the first six months,
the title of this book was I don't want this
to be sad. And I don't want it to be sad.
I don't want it to be sad. I wanted to,
you know, I want to you know, when there's laughter healing,

(10:00):
and so I want to find that in there. I
don't want this to be so like melodramatic, and I
didn't write it in that way either. So that's why
I'm laughing through this because it's just it's so absurd now,
it's just even even I took the part of the
story I'm about to get to just it seems what
it just seems so what like it seems so absolutely absurd, absurd.

(10:22):
But after my outing, my terrible outing, and my mother
sort of, you know, doing the very Christian thing of well,
we love you, we accept you, but not the lifestyle,
which is, you know, code for sleeping with other men.
So no, it's just flat out rejection. That was nineteen
So most of the story happens from twenty to twenty three,

(10:44):
especially twenty one to twenty three, because I went to
theater school, I already found acting. By that point, I
was like, oh, this is fun. I like messing around
with this. I went to theater school and dated some
other people. But it wasn't until I met a drug
dealer in Washington in DC. It wasn't until I started
experimenting with party drugs, specifically Crystal myth and I very

(11:10):
clearly remember the first time I had it. I could sense,
I could feel how powerful. I mean, just as an anecdote, like,
you know, to dance on the to go dancing on
the dance floor, I had to be really drunk to
do it, you know, because I'm stupid white boy in
no rhythm kind of thing. And but the second I
had the the meth, I was like a dancing queen,

(11:32):
like just ripping it up and just feeling so powerful
and that feeling of being wanted. And it's very It's
not a good drug for people who feel powerless in
the world, because it makes you feel really powerful, and
therefore you want it all the day, all the day time. Anyway, everything,

(11:54):
all the addictions, I'm gonna sort of start to summarize
because when I was with the drug dealer boyfriend trying
to keep it to the weekend, it started encroaching into
the week. You know, I'd be up for three days
on the meth at this time. But you know, I'm
twenty two. I'm invincible. I got this excuse me. And

(12:20):
I was going to school ninety miles south from Washington,
d C. So Richmond, Virginia, and then Washington, d C.
And you know, zoom up and down. But like I said,
I was startingcroaching during the week. I started missing classes.
And I would blame the boyfriend because he was so
bad at drug dealing that he couldn't re up on
the drugs fast enough because I needed something to actually

(12:41):
get down to school. And slowly, you know, slowly, I
started doing more and more during the week. And it
got to the point where I just decided that this
dealer boyfriend was terrible at it. He was not reliable,
not you know, not trustworthy. Mostly he couldn't keep up

(13:01):
with this growing habit that I excused because of my age.
You know, I'm twenty two. I'll be able to stop
when I want to stop. And and and we got
in some We got in a huge fight one night
because he really you know, other people thought he was
a bad dealer. This is so funny. To talk about.
But let me tell you too, I did say I

(13:21):
did say this earlier when I first met him at
like an after hours party, and the way he came
in and the way that people just treated him like
a celebrity and like he was the second coming of
the Messiah, Like it was like, who is this person?
And then he swept me up, And you know, the
very first time I met him, I saw the most
amount of drugs I've ever seen in my life. And
I'm just like wide eyed and like, yeah, there's this

(13:44):
whole other world outside of this painful, tormented, depressed world
that I just came from. This is so fascinating. This
is so like whoa. And again I'm twenty two and invincible,
Like this isn't you know, the bad stuff isn't going
to happen to me. You know, this is just really exciting.
This will make for a great story one day like
today when I'm sharing it right now. I mean I

(14:05):
genuinely thought that then, and it's true. It's true. I mean,
of course my actor brain was thinking in those terms.

Speaker 4 (14:13):
But you know, I.

Speaker 1 (14:16):
He anyway, he was just so bad at it. And
then when we broke up, he accused me of trying
to steal his business, and I was like so resentful.
I was like, f you, I'll do a better job
than you. And so I started dealing just to proven wrong.
And you mind, you this is like dealing nothing like

(14:37):
at a club, you know what I mean, running around
at a club and doing little quarterbag. He's in little
eight Like this is just a little bit of stuff.
It's still kind of like feeling wanted and thrilling and stuff.
And I'm just like, Okay, we're gonna run around and
do this. But the consequences started encroaching to you know,
for example, to finish my theater final, I was rushing

(15:01):
down to school and I fell asleep at the wheel
and I drove my car in the back of a
mac truck. And that wasn't my fault. That was his
fault because he didn't get enough drugs for me to
stay awake. You know, that kind of stuff was always
happening anyway. So what ended up happening was I liked
the dealing a little too much, and I could see

(15:21):
that I love the path. The meth made me feel powerful,
but the dealing was like I'm a celebrity, like I
own everything, like it was like I saw that. I
could sense that, and I was like, I need to
get out of this. I need to move on. Look,
I'll prove him wrong, you know, I'll show him that

(15:42):
I can do better than him, steal all his business,
and then I'll make all this money and I'll get out.
And that's what I did. But on the weekend that
I was like leaving at the time. This is not
true today, but at the time, what I thought and
what I thought for the rest of the story was
that I fell asleep in the alleyway in the car.

(16:02):
I did not know my license was suspended from that
that said, crashing under a Mac truck. And at the
time I thought he called the police on me. You know,
I wake up middle of the night, tap tap taps
the DC police. They asked for my license, and I'm thinking,
nothing's wrong. So I'm you know, I opened the window
like this much because I was like, go away, and
I gave him my license and then they they rip

(16:25):
open the door, ripped me out, and I'm like freaking out.
They're like, licenses suspended, we have the right to search you,
and so I'm arrested and I just I was just
trying to leave and get out of this, and suddenly
I'm pulled in so so a few weeks later after

(16:46):
the rest, I was pulled in front of these two
federal investigators, which was weird because they looked like they
looked like like road managers for a rock band. I
mean like I'm talking like Fu Manchu, cargo shorts, pan
T shirts, like the one guy looked like Will Ferrell.
It was like, what, these are federal agents. It was

(17:06):
so it was they're like undercover federal agents, and I
was just like, what is happening? So they they they
sent me a plea deal, but then they revoked it
and then made it a mandatory debrief. I guess I
don't know if they thought I could give them information,
But when we did the interrogation, I was I played dumb.

(17:26):
I didn't give away a lot of information, but they
thought I was enough immersed in that world where they said,
without saying it, you need to keep doing what you're doing,
aka dealing, and you need to get us something if
you want this to go away. And I essentially said,
in so many words back to them, I was a nobody.
If I need to get you guys that kind of
information I need to like deal more, and they're like,

(17:49):
good luck. So I signed the paper for the informant.
In my mind, I'm like, I've seen the movies. I'm
not a rat, I'm not an informant. What do you
you know? But I was battling that the whole time.
You know, my family knew everything. So when I came
home to my you know I have you know, there's
seven kids and my six other siblings, they're like, what's wrong, man?
You know, why don't you just go rout on somebody.

(18:11):
I'm like, dude, didn't you see the movies? But they
were threatening me with ten plus years and this is
DC so it's federal because it was possession with intent
to distribute. They caught me with a lot, So that's
like March of twenty sorry, not twenty. That was like

(18:34):
March of two thousand and three four, and I had
about six months March, April, May, June, July, ar six months.
I was like my runway. So now I was trying
to get out. Now I'm stuck in it because I
have to keep dealing in order to get them information,

(18:55):
and my mind is blown, like how is any of
this real? How is this possible. What the fuck? What
do I do? What do I do? You know, I don't.
It's kind of obvious that my drug use skyrocketed. Now
I'm using every day all day. I forgot what it
was like to do a sober breath. I started smoking
the meth but never injecting, because that's what addicts did.

(19:18):
And I had running mates, meaning I had people who
would run and do deals for me, and I had
a lot of you know, the first month or two
was trying to figure out ways to get people to
deal with me, because people knew I was arrested, so
I was like red flagged, so they were all paranoid
to be around me. So I started traveling to other
cities and my plan was to find a bigger supplier elsewhere,

(19:41):
come back to DC, and when it was dry meaning
no product, people would buy from me and then give
me access to a bigger DC supplier and then debate
on whether or not to turn them in. I still
didn't know. I didn't think about that far ahead. I
just needed something to do because again I was still
wrestling with like can I live with the rest of
my life with the guilt of being like a rat?

Speaker 2 (20:04):
And you know.

Speaker 1 (20:05):
I went to Fort Lauderdale, New Orleans. I went to
New York. The best place was Atlanta. It was cheaper
there because it was closer to the Mexican border for
the cartels. And I struck up this relationship with this
one supplier. He was reminded me of myself. He came
from a very religious background. He was just a sweet guy.

(20:29):
He was like a pastor's kid, and it's like, what
are you doing this world? He was like a massive
supplier in Atlanta, like one step away from the cartels,
like the person he got it from who got it
from the cartels. And he would tell me this, but
he would never bring me along because it was too dangerous.
But I would try to buddy up with him. So
I was like, am I going to rat on him?
Or wait, maybe I can find out who that person

(20:51):
is and rite on them. And then but then I
got way too paranoid because I was like, at that point,
we were like learning of cartels chopping off people's heads,
and so I'm just like, what the fuck do I do?
And he for a good stretch there. I started trance
trafficking through the airports to get the product back up there,

(21:14):
and I put it on my body like I had
this special underwear that I would do. Still the most
terrifying thing I think I've ever done to this day.
It didn't matter the amount of drugs I did, it
was still, I mean, fortunately for me at that time
I think I still do like it looked like some
dumbass white frat college kid. So so fortunately for me,

(21:38):
I learned, But earlier, before I learned, I would always
buy this ticket one way, which is like automatic red
flag for security, extra security check. But I'd be put
in a line, and I'm not kidding, it'd be me
and like thirty Middle Eastern looking men. Because this is
two thousand and three, thousand and four, this is this
is post nine eleven. They could have cared less about me,

(21:59):
but it's still enough to get paranoid. And twice they
found a baggie of white powder. I thought I cleaned
out my bag well enough. Twice they found it, and
twice twice I got away. They were just I played
dumb college kid. I mean, I can't. I can't even
There's so many lucky sob son of a bitch like

(22:22):
parts of this story that just blow my mind. So
I thrived on this because I did get back to
DC and people didn't have product I did, nobody else did,
and so suddenly I was the big cat and town
and hence the good little drug lord that's like the
Mormon drug lord. And so I was. I was on top,

(22:47):
and I got by like that for a short while,
knowing my courte was looming. The agents they were in
my phone as I don't know why I did this.
They were in my phone is Yes and No. That
was the name I gave them because I was like, yes,
I do rather no I don't. I don't know why.
So I would get random texts from Yes and No,

(23:09):
just being that clock is ticking. What do you got?
One time I made up completely made up information, I
was like, I don't, I don't even know. I don't
remember what I wrote. I just know I made something up,
and I'm just going through this whole like what do
I do? What do I do? I also didn't want
the drug used to end, because you know, I was.

(23:29):
I had to use more and more to actually escape
all of this the torment and to actually get really
really high. So I just I didn't, you know, but
what happened was and actually the reason I even wrote
this book is because not to show off like this

(23:50):
is what happened to me. The reason was because one
time when I was in Atlanta, I was involved in
an incident with one of his friends who you know.
So there's a party drug called GHB, and like a thimbleful,

(24:11):
can make you feel like you're drunk, and it hits
the same parts of the brain. The gays love it.
It's just it's just it's just an easy way to
feel really drunk. The problem is if you mix that
with alcohol, it's it just shuts the system down. It's lethal.
And this one friend that I only met that night

(24:36):
who I was giving drugs to, he on his own,
we think drank alcohol after he had the GHB. And
you know, when somebody falls out from too much there
also is when somebody falls out from too much GHB.
We just put them on their side, they go to sleep,
that's it. But we never think that they mix it
with alcohol. This guy did, and all those consequences that

(25:01):
I never thought what happened to me. I was still
still in disbelief that these things would happen to me,
and by that point I was arrested. I was an
informant I totaled my car, I had been in threatening situations.
I was now a full blown drug addict. But still
the consequence of actually somebody actually oding was just not
computing to me. So I had many opportunities to potentially

(25:25):
save his life if I acted sooner. And that's my biggest,
biggest regret for my time out there. I finally did act.
You know, I got my friend. We were at the club,
and he was hysterical because you know, by the time
we looked at the friend, he was blue face. I mean,
his eyes were still, I mean, the guy was. I

(25:47):
started doing CPR. I mean it was a very classic
dropped him off the er and sped away. I was
very high, it was very paranoid. I was very all
kinds of things, different state of mind. I get all that,
but still it's a major regret, to the point it
terrified me from traveling. So now Steven's out of the game,
I'm back in DC. I don't have a supplier. I'm

(26:08):
with nothing but the core cases looming. I don't know
what I'm going to do two weeks later, And this
is the reason why I'm actually running the book or
I wrote the book. I get a random phone call.
I was the last number that this young man who died.
I was the last number on his phone bill. And
his mother, I mean this deep, like I don't know Alabama.

(26:31):
Georgia act like she was like, please don't hang up,
just sobbing, and she just she just wanted to know
what happened to her son. I was paranoid. I didn't
know how she got my number. At that point, all
kinds of things are running through my mind. I'm even
thinking like is this like a setup to get cops
for the cops to get me to confess. I mean,

(26:53):
this is a drug addult, paranoid mind. And she just
begged to know what happened to her son, like why
was he dead? I hung up on her, and that
was the beginning of the end for me. I mean
it was very dramatic. I even stood up. I had
a glass bong, like a meth bong in my hand,
and I was like, get up. It was very dramatic,

(27:13):
but it was like I still feel that twenty some
odd years later in my book. After a year later,
after I got sober, I tried to find her and
I could I couldn't find her. I tried recently, I
couldn't find her. So my book is also like a
message in a bottle to potentially this grieving mother who's
still out there, to offer her some solace if she's

(27:33):
looking for that. She may not even be looking for that,
but this is my way of making an amends to her,
is to like really get this book out there. But
after that happened, and with more pressure from the investigators,
I needed to do something, and so I had one
of my runners was by day hairstylists, and he would
do house calls, but most of his house calls at

(27:55):
this point were to cut someone's hair and to deliver
my drugs. So we had a lot of clients like that,
and one of them was this girl whose boyfriend was
trying to get into the business. The only catch was
he was supposedly tied to the Russian mafia. And when
he first told me that, I was like, get the
fuck out. What do you get the shut just no,

(28:17):
like no. But at this that was before all this
went down, And once this all went down and I
had no other options, I said, fuck it, let's do it.
And I met him and he claimed to be Russian mafia.
He looked he was early twenties like I was. He
looked Russian mafia. I mean he put a it was
an in pearl inlaid gun, like just on the table,

(28:38):
just to make sure I knew I was not you know,
he was not somebody to fuck around with. He had
the best meth I had ever come across, and that
I'm sure anybody would have ever come across. And he
wanted me to, you know, he had pounds of it
and he wanted me to, you know, supply the city
with it, and so I did, and uh uh. The

(29:06):
myth was so good that I ended up using most
of it and not selling it. And I started owing
this guy money and he started threatening me more with
like do you know who I work for? They're watching you,
And so my paranoid mind, I swear I saw old
Russian ment following me everywhere. He put the gun in
my face, he would pin me. He was also very attractive,
and so I was like it was really messed up

(29:28):
because I was like, oh, okay, man, uh uh, but
I was trying. I was trying. I was, And that's
when I was like, am I turning in the Russian mafia?

Speaker 4 (29:43):
Like?

Speaker 1 (29:44):
Is that what I'm doing here? Is that am I
about to do this, because like that would definitely get
my case cleared. I didn't wear a wire or anything,
but you know, it took the in my Bookie's name
is Serge. She went by or Vediem. Sorry, his real
name was Serge, but he goes by the Vedemon the book.
There you go. He would always meet me at a hotel,

(30:07):
but eventually he trusted me enough for me to go
to his apartment. So and also he started talking about
like his brother was having a baby, He's going to
be an uncle. Like he started giving me more personal stuff,
and in my mind, I'm like begging him to not
tell me this information because now I'm just getting more
and more information to tell these investigators because the clock

(30:28):
is ticking and I'm almost there. But it got so
bad because I started owing him, I mean thousands and
thousands of dollars that I had to just cut off,
like not cut off. I just avoided him. And so
now here I am about to have to go to
my sentencing. This mother recently called me. I'm feeling like

(30:50):
the worst piece of shit in the absolute world, Like
how can I be like this? I deserve everything bad
that's happening to me, this guy's threatening my life. Wait
if I get off this case, is he get to
still thrown? Wait? Is he gonna kill me if I
turn him in? Wait? What does that mean? And I'm
also a piece of shit? Oh wait, I actually can't
stop using drugs. This is like the first time I'm

(31:12):
realizing that. And then my only solution was like, I
fucking deserve to go to prison. I deserve it. I
can't stop it, Like I was, like it or go
run away and hide. So when I showed up to
my sentencing, I was like proud that I wasn't a rat,
but I was also like looking for the safety even
though prisons scared the living shit out of me, and
the investigators were constantly like, dude, you don't know what
it's like in there. We do, you won't survive, like

(31:34):
they were constantly making it like the most terrifying thing
in the world. But out here was terrifying. And my
parents and my family, what were they gonna do? What
were they gonna do? This was like all a situation.
I was just this was I've always tried to find
a way to describe the level of loneliness that I

(31:55):
felt because I was hiding from the world by being
in the drug world. Yet in the drug world, I
now had a secret that I was hiding from even
the closest people I was with, that I was this informant.
None of them knew. Absolutely nobody knew. So I was
like alone, like just crushed under everything that was happening.
So that's part of this sentencing was just giving up.

(32:19):
Was just like I can't I'm done. I don't know
what to do. I'm done. But when I showed up
for the sentencing, you know, I had a court appointed lawyer,
this guy named Dennis Braddock Hart of Gold, I mean
the classic like you know, he'd give me his last
sandwich kind of guy. In fact, in fact, way back

(32:39):
when when I was first arrested and he was first
appointed to me, and the night after my arrest and
you know, he's walking me out of the courthouse, he
gave me twenty bucks. He was like, I'm sure you
need this kid like that kind of guy. He's with
me and we're standing up before the judge and this
young prosecutor stands up and the judge you can see
like in his eyes like he's ready to just sentence

(33:00):
me to everything like ten plus years your fucked kid.
But the young prosecutor was just like, you're on a
resking for this case to me dismissed. And Dennis is like,
don't say anything. I'm like, I don't know what the Fu's happening.
And the judge is even confused. He's like, I'm sorry,
what are you sure? And he repeats it, and the
judge was like, case dismissed. And you know, mister Braddock

(33:23):
grabs me, pulls me to a side room, sits me down.
He's like, what did you do? I'm like, you know,
in the tweaker world, people say they know somebody who
did something. I mean one of the one of the
main dealers until he was busted three times was a
retired federal judge. I mean this guy. There was this

(33:44):
guy who lived, you know, near the capitol and he
was a retired federal judge and like his house was
a known like I mean, you went there and like
whatever you imagine a drugged nd to be, That's what
this was. And this guy, you know, so people, you know,
one of one of the people I dealt with was
I'm not going to say who, but there was was
a campaign finance manager, you know, from one of the

(34:05):
Senate campaigns. Another was a retired pop star. So like,
people do stuff, but I didn't think anybody who's actually
gonna do anything, and I don't think anybody actually did.
But I said that to that mister Braddock, and he
was just like, I've done hundreds, if not thousands, of these,
and I've never I've never seen this before. And I'm

(34:27):
exactly like how I am now. I'm just like, He's like,
you are, this is your second You are get out
of here and never come back. And and uh, I
got out of there, and I'm in shock, and I
you know, I called my mom and she was, you know, sobbing,
and I'm just like really experiencing this, Like I'm like, Okay,

(34:48):
this is my end. Okay, this is my out. And
then I walk a few more steps and I start
craving myth. I walk a few more steps, I start
craving other drugs, and then I walk a few more
steps and then I'm like, I can't get out because
Vadim was threatening my friends, so I have to keep

(35:11):
dealing in order to pay them back.

Speaker 2 (35:14):
And so.

Speaker 1 (35:17):
And so I lasted six more weeks based on that,
and it got dark and those six weeks is when
it got dark because I didn't now I didn't have
any money. So what did I do? I in a
hilarious chapter in my book, it's not what you think
it is, but I definitely was paid for sex. But

(35:40):
it wasn't actually full sex, but I was paid for it.
It was a terrible experience, but I got enough for
an eight ball to start, you know, doing my business again.
But I was, I was. I was long gone those
last four weeks. And also I lived in an abandoned apartment.

(36:03):
My running mate, this gal who is closest to she
was starting to live there. Other friends had, but it
was abandoned because it would flood out. It was a
basement apartment that would flood and the rain so it
had this moldy smell and like from rain water. And
I was like on an air mattress. And I was
convincing myself that I was here to make some more

(36:25):
money to pay off the dem which which was stupid.
And so when this running mede, this girl is with,
when she came to me two weeks before my twenty
third birthday, and she said, I don't want you to
get mad at me, but I want to get sober.
I want to go to rehab, and then I can't.
I should, you know not. I looked at her and
I was like, I looked at her, and I was

(36:46):
just like, you can do that. Like I didn't know
that was an option. I truly, I you know, in
the nineties, it was like train spotting. So it was
like Heroin addicts in a haunted house. Like I just
didn't know, you know. A side note. When I did
go to rehab, eventually, I was in that half of

(37:06):
the people I was in there with were suburban moms
who couldn't stop drinking chardonnay, So like re answer anybody.
But I was like, I suddenly had this out. I
was like, Okay, well, you know, my birthday is in
two weeks. Let's celebrate my birthday and have a going
away party and so and we'll stop then. And I

(37:26):
was serious about that. But when we hit my twenty
third birthday and the clubs, by the way, they all
knew me. The owners knew me. I didn't, you know.
They gave me a going away party at one of
the biggest clubs there. They just handed it to me,
because you know, and we had the going away party
and then you know, the next morning came and it
was when I was supposed to stop using. And this
is when all illusions, this is when everything, everything, whatever

(37:51):
mental constructions I was building in my head just shattered
to the ground because I was like screaming at myself
to stop using, but literally my body was keep kept
putting the pipe up, and all illusions that I could
stop were shattered. And that's when I realized I had
an absolute absolute. I was fucked. I had an absolute
This is you know. I came back into my body
for the first time in two years, and a small

(38:13):
window opened up where I realized we had a Kate
Lexi in the book. We both recognized we had a
small window to jump through, and so we did. And
eventually she called her parents and I called mine, and they,
you know, they picked us up while I'll say this

(38:35):
and then this is the end of that story. I
got through it actually faster than I ever have. By
the way, you're you're helping me be more efficient with it.
This honesty of suddenly saying I have this talk about authenticity,
I can't stop using. I need help. I made my

(38:56):
ex boyfriend come and get all the drugs I called
my parents and while they were on their way, I
didn't know what to do. Vadim was still calling me
and I didn't know what to do. And he shows
up and I didn't know what to do. But I

(39:17):
was doing this honesty thing, so I didn't know what
to say. So I said, hey, man, I'm getting sober.
Can I pay you back in installment plans? Can I
have a payment plan? I didn't know what else to say.
I was just like, I was like, I'm going to rehab,

(39:39):
and I shit you not. My editor made me change
the wording of this because it sounded too like unrealistic,
but I swear to you. He took a beat after
I said I'm going to rehab. He took a beat
and then, looking wistfully, he's like, you can do that,

(40:02):
Like he said the same thing I said. I was like,
what is up with this world? And so and I'm like, yeah, man, yeah,
you can totally do that. And then there was another
beat and he's like looking wistfully off and he turns
back and he's like, you know, I've always wanted to
sell real estate in Baltimore. Yeah, man, you you can

(40:25):
do that. Yeah, yeah, you should do that, man, and
then there's another beat and then he was like, you
know what, forget about the money, good luck, and my
mouth just dropped and it confirmed, you know, what I
was doing was the right thing. And then I got
in the car of my parents like white suv or minivan,

(40:46):
odesty minivan, just put my head between my legs and
just we were off And that was the beginning of
my recovery journey. It sounds so unbelievable, but it's all
in the book. It's how it happened.

Speaker 2 (41:06):
That is insane. What made me laugh was like it
reminded me of blow with Johnny Depp, except yeah, yeah,
a whole lot weirder and a whole lot more luck.
Especially when you were talking about the hairdresser, was like
Jesus Christ Almighty.

Speaker 1 (41:24):
Oh, I didn't even I didn't even talk about so
when I after, this is so funny. This is just
to add to the weirdness and the absurdity of everything.
So right after I got arrested and nobody would deal
with me, the only person that would was this high
powered DC attorney who you know, knew better. Like he
was like, kid, you're not gonna fuck with me, Like
he just essentially said that to me, and I was

(41:45):
playing dumb. I was like, what are you talking about?
I have not done a uninformant. He was like, dude,
you're an idiot. But I became his dealer and his
girlfriend was this She must have been early fifties. She
probably was in her forties, but she looked like Shirley Temple.
She had freckles and she was a prostitute. But she

(42:06):
was half deaf, so you had to really speak up
and articulate. And so what happened. What happened was I
lived with her the first couple of months of just
getting out. So in the studio apartment was this fifty
year old drug add like tweaker, like prostitute, half death.
I'd be like, Kimmy, like that, I'm living with her.

(42:26):
So it's just this absurd scenario that I was that
I was first put into a bunch of characters.

Speaker 2 (42:33):
So when are you going to work on the screenplay?
Is my next?

Speaker 1 (42:39):
Yeah, that's that's for sure happening at the same time
because you are definitely not I mean, people want to
see this. I mean you'll see it in your mind. Obviously,
you'll have your own everybody has her own idea. But
I I would I am working on the screenplay myself,
but you know, I would love it. I'd love to
hand it off to a direct with his own vision

(43:02):
because I want to see how somebody else does my story.
But I can. Yes, I'm working on the screenplay, so
you have like the architecture of everything, but I want
to hand it off so somebody else can, Like, how
would somebody else approach this? I'm obviously too close to
the material.

Speaker 2 (43:16):
Right.

Speaker 3 (43:19):
Man?

Speaker 2 (43:22):
Do you really think all of this just happened for
a higher purpose even though it was? Hell, I what.

Speaker 1 (43:31):
A great question. If I want to have a better
time at life, it behooves me to believe that. I
think for a while there I was more of the
nihilistic what's the point? We're all just you know, going

(43:53):
through my phases of understanding spirituality or higher power, whatever
you will. But I do choose to believe that there
was a purpose for sure, particular to my soul's authentic
journey through that. Regardless of that, even an atheist who

(44:17):
would look at my story and be like, yeah, no,
you weren't meant to be out there. There's too many
there's too much good luck and too many close calls
like you are you are lucky, lucky, lucky, And clearly
you were meant to get through that part of your
journey pretty quickly because it burned. I burned through that real,
real fast. And if my journey is now on this
other side where I'm sharing it like this, then this

(44:41):
is another part of this is an extension of the
journey to what end. I don't know. I told you
my own personal which is an amends, which is, you know,
trying to make up for the awful choices I made,
regardless of the state of mind that I was in.
I mean, there's a perspective on my story where I

(45:01):
just made a bunch, not a bunch, I just made
a bazillion really bad choices, and irregardless of the amount
of pain I was coming through. You know, I painted
a quick picture of what I came from, and that's
that's not even all of it. Obviously it's not all
of it, but there has to be a purpose to it.

Speaker 2 (45:30):
During your time in rehabilitation and all of that, what
was the turning point for you when you said, Okay,
I think I got a handle on this and I'm
actually ready to live In reality, there's two moments.

Speaker 1 (45:57):
I would say that first year I did, I did
rehab in Northern Virginia and then I did an outpatient
program in Washington, d C. At the Whitman Walker Clinic,
and I had a really wonderful counselor there. And that
first year I was kind of like I was cocooned.
I was in this bubble. I was just like I

(46:17):
was still dreaming of, you know, being this big, working actor.
You know, they were fairy tales at that point. I
never actually thought it'd be where I am today. But
they drove me. But I was still so it wasn't
like I ruined my life and now I'm building back up.
I never had a life period. It just didn't feel
like that. So the rules, the tools for living my

(46:39):
specific lite, I just I was building from the ground up,
from the ground up period. And so it wasn't until
that counselor who saw, you know, he believed in me,
he saw something in me, and he really pushed me.
He's like, listen, you can't you can't just sit here.
You gotta go. You gotta go out there and you
got to live your life. You say you want to

(47:01):
do the acting, you need to go like he just
he basically shoved me into reality, and I'm gratefully did
because Los Angeles has some of the best recovery in
the country, in the world, and you know, since the pandemic,
now everything's on zoom and stuff, so people are experiencing
the recovery here. It was that. And then I had
another incident where, while you know, my first year in

(47:22):
LA I was at a meeting and I was deeply
moved because there was this very big bear of a
man who was the lead share at a twelve set meeting,
and he was sobbing, sobbing in gratitude because he was
so grateful that he was sober that he could adopt
his sister's children. And he was so grateful that he
was sober that he could adopt his sister's children because

(47:43):
she was still an addict and was selling her four
and six year old for money, fucking devastating, and so
he was available because he was sober to adopt them,
and he was sobbing. And that was the other That
was the moment of I guess one was shoving me
into reality. This was understanding my place in reality, like, oh,

(48:06):
there is a higher purpose for me getting sober. This
is not about me anymore. This is this. I mean,
that man just changed my life just by him expressing that,
because I was like, oh, there's there's other reasons for
me being sober other than me just getting sober.

Speaker 2 (48:20):
It kind of like broke a glass case and let
you out, you know.

Speaker 1 (48:25):
Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.

Speaker 2 (48:28):
Yeah. Wow. So there's so many questions I could ask you.
I just feel like you've shared this really huge, intense story.

Speaker 1 (48:45):
You were you riveted and captivated.

Speaker 2 (48:47):
And yeah, it was like I was like, wow, I
can't wait till he sends me the book. Yeah. Yeah,
because I'm going to read it for sure and be
like what the hell. But you know, okay, so this
is the inspiring segment of this podcast. I get okay
because it's like, okay, see, your your shit out of luck,

(49:09):
you have nothing to scratch your ass with, and you're like,
I've got to become an actor real fast, and I
got to succeed at it when the odds are like
ninety nine percent failure for everyone. You know, how did
you do that? I mean, obviously you're lucky. Obviously somebody
smiling on you. Well, you know, the.

Speaker 1 (49:39):
First five years that I landed in La. It was
it was two meetings a day. It was just it
was just about putting one foot in front of the other,
like I said, not just rebuilding, but building, Like who
am I? What am I doing doing all the therapeutic
work like all that kind of like it was just
like what is happening? Yes, I was taking acting class?

(50:00):
Is I? I do believe in acting. In booking acting work especially,
there is a large you would you call it luck.
But I also believe that, like you know, my previous

(50:22):
story that I shared had a purpose, So then my
acting story, if you will, is also going to have
a purpose. And so there's reasons unbeknown to me. Why.
You know, ten years ago, I was just booking work
like right after the other, and I was like, this
is easy. Look, anybody can be an actor. And all

(50:45):
I had to do was show up to the audition
and do the deliver. And then there you go. It's
on me to think, oh, I'm special because I'm booking work. No,
it's it's that's no, You're just right for the part,
and that's what happens. But then years where there's a
shift in the industry and I'm not booking work. I'm

(51:06):
not on top of the world. I'm not feeling wanted.
I'm dealing with all those feelings I had previously that
I would normally turn to myth, but now I get
to process them in this way and stuff all the
way to like, you know, more recently, it's all turning
around again. It's like, Oh, here's all this acting work.
Let's just keep going and stuff like that. The thing
that I would say how it turned around, the thing

(51:28):
that I would say if it helps anybody else, there
is inside of me, especially for my heart. I think
in my heart that me as an artist in general,
is my to use the title my authentic path. And
the reason I feel that is because it's very clear

(51:50):
when my heart is singing about something, when my heart
is into something, when my heart feels the most joy
about something, that is a sign post that is a
oh I need to move in this direction. And it's
because I really enjoy this. I have a lot of
fun doing this. What that looks like? This guy loves
to figure out what that looks like, and he's always
upset because it never looks like what he wants it
to look like. That's not my job, and that's what

(52:10):
I've come to learn is not my job through the
years taking me a long time to get there. My
job is to listen to this and follow forward with that.
So the results of that, like, you know, how did
I book so much work at the beginning? How my
booking work all? Again? You could say it's because I
listened to this and I just kept moving forward. Yes,
did I do anything special to book all that other stuff? No?

(52:33):
So that the luck part is more like what's right
for me at that time based upon higher whatever. I mean,
if somebody wants to go deeply spiritual with it, it's
like whatever is God's will or God's path. Not rolling
my eyes at that, I'm just saying like, whatever language
somebody wants to put in that, I mean. Then that,

(52:56):
you know, brings in the argument of how much control
do you think we actually really have? What does that
look like?

Speaker 2 (53:01):
You know, I get what you mean. People are always like, oh,
it's the universe, or it's God put me on this
path or whatever. But as a person, I consider myself
to have a very deep spiritual site. But I also
am very realistic and I think it's all about just
hard work. It's all about your mindset. Are you going
to keep trying until something happens. Are you going to
get out there and make it happen for yourself? Because

(53:23):
nobody's really going to put stuff on your plate, you know, correct?

Speaker 1 (53:26):
I mean even I always used the measure of I
always do use the measure of what's happening in my heart.
And what I mean by that is like every year.
You know this, I don't need to tell you or
anybody listening to that there's a ton of rejection in
my industry. You know a lot of people, if they're
lucky in their life, that are not in Hollywood, go

(53:47):
on five, maybe ten at the most job interviews in
their entire life. There's been months where I do ten
in two months, ten in a month. You know, those
are job interviews, Like I have to put everything into
that to show up to try to get hired, and
then they don't even It's worse, they don't even tell me.
I don't get it. They just ghost you, you know.
So it's like whatever you can do to like move

(54:10):
through that, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (54:14):
I know exactly what you mean, especially when you said
they just ghost you. I came from a background.

Speaker 1 (54:19):
I was in music.

Speaker 2 (54:20):
Yeah, I wasn't an informant, but I had a background
where heavy drug use was involved in It shaped my
life for a long time until I was maybe about
twenty five, and I ended up in a lot of
rooms through sheer hard work with a lot of my heroes.
And I met my heroes and I realized that they

(54:42):
weren't the people I thought they were. And I realized
how much politics and you know, auditioning for certain bands
and stuff, and it wasn't even like yeah, it wasn't
even like okay, So, like you've probably experienced this. You
can be the most technically efficient and qualified guy for
the job, but they pick somebody else because they just

(55:04):
look the part, or they've got connections or something like that.
So there's a lot of really talented people out there
who end up not being seen or heard because of
politics or favoritism and things like that. Or you know,
even in strange cases, maybe you're just not like into
witchcraft or something, or it's something spooky. There's a lot
of shady stuff that I've seen. I've seen a full

(55:26):
spectrum of things, and people think that you're like I
want to be conspiracy theorists, or you're making it up
or something. But he there's a whole big white world
out there with so many different options, and you have
no idea what you're gonna run into. And I learned that,
and I also realized that the music industry can be
a very dark place. And like you, I listened to

(55:50):
what was in my heart, and I stopped trying to
be that guy, the super successful, famous guy. I'd seen enough.
I'd ate enough dinners with enough A and rs, and
it had way too many overtly sexual propositions, and just
been asked to do too many things that wasn't me,
that I just wasn't prepared to do. And then I

(56:12):
just started to follow my heart elsewhere, and I realized
that I still have a purpose for it. So I
took it to just doing regular stuff, doing regular bar gigs,
do charity events. You know, you do pediatric cancer gigs.
You get to hold a little kid and sitting to
a little kid, and that's fulfilling. And that was actually
way better than trying to play for thousands of people

(56:35):
and get a record deal, you know, so, and it
was definitely beatsitting down in a studio somewhere being a
hired gun that actually just sucks. You never know when
you're gonna get paid.

Speaker 3 (56:48):
Me.

Speaker 2 (56:48):
You know, you never know who you're going to touch,
so it's a guessing game. And the only thing that
got me there was following my intuition, my passion for it,
and realizing that a million people could play guitar as

(57:10):
well as I did and not care about the people
on the receiving end as much as I did, and
they might succeed for one reason or another. But I
felt like I was going to succeed because I felt
like I was doing what was morally right, Like I
felt like I was doing what was right for other

(57:32):
people and not just myself. Even in my darkest times,
that was my only guiding light, so to speak. So
I'm saying that because I mean, you're a successful artist,
you're a good actor. I've only seen the clips because
everybody that listens to this podcast knows I don't watch TV,
but I understand the magnitude. Criminal Minds has been around

(57:57):
for a long time. Yeah, you know, it's a big
deal to be on that the CW. It's a big
deal to succeed like that, So it takes a lot
of heart and thank you. I just wanted to, you know,
commend you for going through all of that and coming
out on the other side, and maybe you went through

(58:18):
all that crap and you know whatever they want to
call it, Baby Jesus or whoever is giving you this
opportunity to be in front of all of these faces
so that you can share your message, share your story.
It'll change people, because it's like, yeah, it's like a

(58:40):
once in a lifetime chance to just do the stuff
that you've done and then live to talk about it,
first of all, but then also be put in front
of so many different faces to get interest in you,
in you as a person, and share real helpful stuff
with people, because there's a lot of empty vessels out

(59:00):
there on TV that you know, you see them and
you're like, yeah, this person has nothing to offer me
as an actual person.

Speaker 1 (59:08):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you for saying. I have a
lot of gratitude for what you just said. Was that's
thank you. That's very nice. Yeah, thank You're welcome in
that way. You're adding purpose to my sobriety in my life,
and I I really I appreciate that.

Speaker 2 (59:28):
Right. Well, that's what this show is all about. It's
about bringing really interesting and as authentic as possible information
to people so that they can do what they want
with it, hopefully move on an arc that will change
their lives. And I would definitely say you're doing that.

(59:49):
Thank god Surge didn't get you.

Speaker 1 (59:54):
I yeah, you know, and who knows where he is.
I have no way of contacting him, but you know,
I don't know. I mean, I would have almost considered
him a friend except I couldn't. But I I definitely
believe in the you know, don't worry, be happy, but

(01:00:17):
do your best. And when my heart is in something,
I do my best. And that if I can't do
my best in something, my heart isn't in it. And
that kind of tells me the direction that I'm heading
in now. I've had to support my dreams through the years.
You know, I was a table server for years, way
back in the day, you know. So it's like, sometimes
I don't want to do that, but if I'm supporting

(01:00:37):
the bigger thing where my heart is, then yes, I
will do that. And I'm just saying that, you know,
as a side note. You know, it wasn't It's not.
This hasn't been easy. None of nothing in my life
has been easy. In fact, again, I really appreciate what
you just said. It really warms my heart because honestly,
now is when I feel like my life is really beginning.

Speaker 2 (01:01:01):
Now. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying, man,
because I know what it's like to give a guitar
lesson for like twenty five dollars or whatever, and then
you gotta buy a loaf of bread and get to
your audition with that money, exactly. Yeah, and then you're
walking down the highway thumbing it because you got to
get home. You know, Like, I know exactly what that's like.

(01:01:22):
And it's about the willingness to have that experience and
not be like this is a punishment somehow because I
have to work hard for something. It's not a punishment.

Speaker 3 (01:01:32):
No.

Speaker 1 (01:01:33):
If you're again, if your heart is still in it,
then that is the sign to keep going.

Speaker 2 (01:01:38):
Yeah. Absolutely, yeah. And I mean like in my case,
I I came out on the other side of addiction
much easier than the average person. Sounds like I was
just like, fuck this, this is stupid. Why am I
being this stupid? And it was not a show. And

(01:02:02):
I was getting really into psychology and wanting to go
back to school to study it because I did it
in university and stuff. But long story short, my psychology
professor was a pedophile and he was sleeping with one
of the young girls in the class or something. He
got kicked out and they never hired a replacement teacher.
So we all just kind of ran around like crazy

(01:02:23):
people for the rest of the semester. Wow wow, and
just trying to wring our exams and whatnot. And I was like, yeah,
I'm I'm a I'm going to do the music thing.
This is crazy. So wow, you know, something came back
around for me and I was like, I'm gonna take
this opportunity because this feels now like the right direction
to going and maybe I can touch some people. And

(01:02:48):
you know, here we are touching people, not inappropriately but
not inappropriated. So I guess I don't know when I'll
get to talk to you again. So I have to
ask you, what was it like just getting on a

(01:03:10):
popular role like and stuff like that. What was it
like when that really hit home for you?

Speaker 1 (01:03:22):
I mean, I don't know how many of your my
generation do you close enough to my age? I mean,
we all know who Angela Bassett is. I mean absolutely
this younger generations obviously know from you know, Wakanda Forever,
but its Angela Bassett. I mean, fucking in the nineties,
it was like Angela Bassett. So that particular experience was

(01:03:47):
that was a trip because it was originally supposed to
be one episode, but they liked what was happening so
much that they turned it into that three episodes, and
then they turned it into this whole arc and this
whole villain arc. And when I first got the role,
realizing that all my scenes were opposite her, there was

(01:04:08):
one Okay, I was split in two one half scared
the shit out of me.

Speaker 2 (01:04:12):
I was about to say, she looks like a pretty
intense person.

Speaker 1 (01:04:15):
Scared. I was just like, this is like, I mean,
there's so much money. This is you know, primetime network shows.
There's a ton of ton of money. I mean, just
as an example, there was one scene where it was
like ten fire and they had to make a mock
highway scenes. There's like ten fire engines, ten ambulances, one
hundred extras, two hundred crew. I mean, it was like

(01:04:37):
an epic movie set and here here's me pulling up
and the camera's following me navigating through all of that,
and I'm not a series regular, So I'm not used
to like this high pressure of this whole thing, and
I'm just thinking the whole time, you know, be menacing,
don't fuck up. But like, I mean, just like that anyway.
So half of me was like scared shitlessen out of
my mind. The other half of me was like like
holding on to like, oh my god, I get to

(01:04:59):
go to to toe the Angela Bassett, like this is like,
this is the dream, this is what it's about. Let's
get in there, let's play, and you know, and when
I met her, she was just as delightful as I
hoped she would be. And it was all about the work,
and it was like, let's get in there, let's do
the work. I mean, she's the leader of the show,
so like she was on to the next thing. She
had so much to work on. But I would say

(01:05:21):
my goal walking into it knowing that I was going
to just have to be more focused and more you know,
more centered than probably I'd ever been in any acting role,
just to you know, do my job. That I knew
a lot of it was going to be. I don't
want to say it was gonna suck. I don't want

(01:05:42):
to say that, but you know, I'm not going to
hide the fact that, like, you know, you're scared shitless
the whole time. But my goal was to find is
to find some joy in there, some some fun. So fine,
some fine, some fun in there, and then you know,
after getting a few takes out proving that you can
do the job and stuff, then the fun started coming
in and so it was like I felt very successful.

(01:06:04):
So I enjoyed. I enjoy the memories of that experience
more than the actual because it's a really it's very
different if you're a series regular, because everything is built
to support you. I mean you, it doesn't matter what
you do. You are in the show. You were locked
in versus like the guy coming in. Everything is working
against you. You think you're about to do your big

(01:06:25):
scene with your big monologue. Oops, nope, we're not filming that.
Actually no, we just cut that. We added this. Can
you memorize this in an hour? Like everything's against you.
So it's just like you're bracing for impact and just
it is like acting school, just trying to show up
for a show up for it. So I wanted to
give you like, oh my god, it's like dream come true,
which it is, And I'm grateful. But in reality, you know,

(01:06:50):
if I when I book, you know they could bring
me back because my character didn't die, it will be
a very different experience because I was pushing up the
on the edge of my capabilities, which is always uncomfortable.
Creates anxiety, but it's good anxiety. There is good anxiety.
So that now and I was very present, I owned

(01:07:11):
the whole experience. I feel like I owned it, meaning
like I was just I was kind and patient and
loving to myself to the whole thing. Then now when
they call me back, it'll be very different experience on set,
Like I feel more. This is how you build confidence,
and for me, this is how I build confidence. It
was like I was very present for that last experience.
I proved to myself I could do it, and I
could do it with a little bit of joy. This time,

(01:07:32):
I'm gonna have a little bit more joy and a
little bit more fun. Let's go and then build the
confidence and build it and then build it, and then
suddenly you're Hugh Jackman, who you know can do anything.
That's why they seem so calm and comfortable. Celebrities or
you know, everybody we admire stuff just because they just
built the experiences, and some of them have just built
more steps than I have at this point. But I'm

(01:07:53):
always pushing my threshold, so I'm always like, ill that
creative anxiety. Did that answer your question? I mean I
probably did.

Speaker 2 (01:08:01):
It did. What's interesting is, so I haven't seen the
Husband's show.

Speaker 1 (01:08:06):
Oh you can find that on YouTube now. It was
that was that was such a good show and it
was breaking records online and it was a newly wet
SITCOMBA with two guys. And this was still early twenty ten,
so it wasn't There wasn't gay leads on shows yet.
I mean, there was like the new normal, but.

Speaker 2 (01:08:23):
That wasn't like the L word or something, you know, like.

Speaker 1 (01:08:26):
We're specifically like for a gay niche. We were trying
to do a mainstream gay like Will and like another
version of like a Will and Grace, and it was.
It was a hit, and CW made it their flagship
show for their new online thing, and then they were
about to move it and make it their flagship show
for their actual network. But such as Hollywood, it just
I'm not a producer on the show, so I don't

(01:08:47):
know the truth of what happened, but it just disappeared
one day. I don't know who got in a fight
with who. I don't know what happened, And that was
that's part of the upsets, Like, I mean, they were like,
get ready, Sean, You're about to be a big TV
comedy star. Get ready and then gone. I mean I
quit acting.

Speaker 4 (01:09:05):
For a year.

Speaker 1 (01:09:06):
I was like, fuck this. It was so depressed. But anyway,
you can watch it on YouTube. The stuff we did,
we made online. It's still very entertaining.

Speaker 2 (01:09:14):
M m okay, yeah, I'm just curious about that because
you know, there's so many CW shows that have come
and gone.

Speaker 1 (01:09:22):
I mean, they're not very good. I'm so sorry. I
have friends that did a bunch of those shows, but
they're not meant to be. They're not They're not HBO Max,
They're not that. I will say Ours. You know, Ours
was you know the the director you know was a
producer on Will and Grace and Friends. And you know
the writer, Jane Espenson. She started on Buffy. You probably

(01:09:43):
know where. She did a couple episodes of Game of Thrones.
What's that other sci fi? She has a lot of
sci fi things, Battlestar Galactica and then some comedy sit
coms in there, and so like we had like an
a team. It was good stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:09:59):
Okay, I think interesting, very interesting. They seem to do
better with their superhero stuff for one reason or another.

Speaker 1 (01:10:04):
But yeah, yeah, yeah, they realized this, this is working,
whatever Greg's doing over here, So let's just let's just
corner that. And that's what they did for a long uh,
superheroes and vampires. That was their corner.

Speaker 2 (01:10:15):
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, all right, So what are your
plans moving forward? What are you going to do with
your career? Are you going to write more books? Tell
me about that real quick.

Speaker 1 (01:10:28):
Sure, Well, the plan right now is to get that
darn publication date so that I can give that to
you and be like here's the here's the date it's
coming out, and here's your copy of the book. Also
working on the screenplay of that as well. So that's
that's there. That is moving forward. I have a bunch
of other screenplays and you know TV pilot pitches that

(01:10:51):
I'll say for another conversation, but those are always working.
And then it's auditioning. It's just auditioning, auditioning, auditioning, and
it's it's the industry is constantly changing as they say,
especially after the strike and after you know, the pandemic
and stuff like that. So it's just it's just trying
to get more opportunities. It's just trying to hustle out there.

(01:11:11):
Like I told you when we signed on, I just
came from came from an others and that's just the
way it goes. So I know where I want to go.
And of course I want to be a serious regular.
Of course I want to work on Broadway. Of course,
I want to you know, work you know, whatever feature film.
Of course we do. But just as we already kind
of said, there's I can show up, do my best,

(01:11:33):
my best version of that character, you know, try to
be the nicest, try to be a person they want
to work with and be friends with for the next
six months of filming, a likable human or something. But
that's the most I can do. If they don't, you know,
their vision of how this character is is I don't
match it, then I don't match it. Besides, I don't
want to be something that they I don't. I want

(01:11:57):
to be something that my heart'sn't like, a character that like, yeah,
I love this character, like I want to be hired
for that versus like trying to be what they want.
My heart's not really in it. It's just makes it
a slog. It doesn't make it fun. Yeah, so I
don't know, asked the universe.

Speaker 2 (01:12:15):
Yeah, I guess it would suck too if you were
like one of these actors that kind of gets cast
in a particular role all the time, because then you
just kind of becomes that guy.

Speaker 4 (01:12:24):
You know.

Speaker 1 (01:12:25):
Hey, you know what, that guy has no problem being
a cog in the wheel, uh, you know, in the
machine of things and is happy getting that paycheck, like
you know what. You know, back when I was serving tables,
I would have been happy to do that. Are you kidding? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:12:39):
You know all right?

Speaker 1 (01:12:41):
Gold golden, golden handcuffs. You know it's like.

Speaker 2 (01:12:45):
Anyway, Yeah, I get what you're saying. So tell everybody
where they can find you.

Speaker 1 (01:12:53):
Most everything I announce or drop or talk about is
on my Instagram at sean Hemian and uh and or
my website sean Hemian dot com. I post them both there.
You'll see a lot of my art these days. I've
been a painter for over ten years. That's also what
I've been doing with my time, abstract expressionist work. It's
just I love it so much. It's just my other

(01:13:15):
thing that I've done for myself for so long. But
now in the last five years have been really putting
out shows and you know you'll see it's all there.

Speaker 2 (01:13:23):
Gotcha? All right? Well, Sean, thanks for being on the
Boneless Authenticity Podcast.

Speaker 1 (01:13:31):
Thank you so much for having me. This was such
a pleasure.

Speaker 2 (01:13:34):
You're welcome.

Speaker 3 (01:13:38):
So you're listening to the Boundless Authenticity Podcast where we
discuss everything related to the evolution of human consciousness.

Speaker 4 (01:13:50):
That's very least to understand that the United States builds
bonkers which are based in cities on your every three months.

Speaker 2 (01:14:00):
Basically in your dream, you tuck into your self conscious
it is your.

Speaker 1 (01:14:04):
Lot in solution or creativity.

Speaker 4 (01:14:06):
And imagination unchanged from conscious reason ego and locate all.

Speaker 1 (01:14:12):
Of your large quote for her the soul by how
there are consciousness spect cultures of the gum for you
of agriny.

Speaker 4 (01:14:18):
We live in a multi dimensional reality, whether it comes
through esetary information in the spiritual realms or the UFO
people experiences, or mainstream through on the physics and through
natreum science. Now realizing that parallel dimensions probably exists, we're
all spiritual.

Speaker 1 (01:14:32):
Means we're all having these human experiences. We've heard that
place over and over and over, but what does that
really mean? You know, all of the questions of life,
we have these answers inside of our soul. We're ultimately
studying the nature of what it is to be human,
good and evil, our psychology, how we fitink, our health.

Speaker 4 (01:14:49):
That's why I love Bruce Lee's great quote all knowledge
is ultimately self knowledge.