October 24, 2025 • 29 mins
Original Release Date: July 26, 2010
A friend calls Dan in for help when someone is playing a lot of practical jokes on his horrid family, many of which have turned vicious. Dan’s afraid the punch line may be murder.
Original Air Date: September 29, 1948
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A friend calls Dan in for help when someone is playing a lot of practical jokes on his horrid family, many of which have turned vicious. Dan’s afraid the punch line may be murder.
Original Air Date: September 29, 1948
Support the show monthly at patreon.greatdetectives.net
Support the show on a one-time basis at http://support.greatdetectives.net.‘
Mail a donation to: Adam Graham, PO Box 15913, Boise, Idaho 83715
Take the listener survey…http://survey.greatdetectives.net
Give us a call 208-991-4783
Become one of our friends on Facebook.
Follow us on Twitter @radiodetectives
Check out our social media at https://www.greatdetectives.net
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:28):
Welcome to the Great Detectives of OldTime Radio from Boise, Idaho. This
is your host, Adam Graham.Got a comment, Email it to me
Box thirteen at Great Detectives dot net. Cast your vote for the show on
podcast Alley Podcast Alley dot Great Detectivesdot net, and become a fan on
Facebook, Facebook dot Great Detectives dotnet. Before we get into today's episode
(00:49):
of Box thirteen, I want tolet you know a little bit about our
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trial. All right, so it'stime for Box thirteen. Today's episode is
(01:33):
called Death Is No Joke Box thirteen, with the style of Paramount Pictures.
Alan Ladd as Dan Holiday. DearDan, knowing your Box thirteen and go.
(01:57):
I hope what I have to offerintriguing enough to tempt you. At
least I think it can be interesting. As a matter of fact, An
this thing has got to the pointnow where it's becoming downright vicious and scares
me a little. What the thingis? I'll tell you when and if
I see you. If you candrag yourself away from town, could drag
(02:23):
yourself away from for a few days. Consider this letter an invitation to join
me at the country home of BernardTrendler, my cousin. Enclosed are the
directions forgetting there. I'll meet youat the station. Wire me first as
ever, Alex. Yeah, itsounded harmless and simple, two words I'd
never apply to murder. And nowback to Batch thirteen and Dan Holiday's newest
(02:55):
adventure, Death Is No Joke.I don't think you should go, mister
Holiday. And why not, Susie. Well, every time you kept an
invitation like this, something that happensto you Susie. Every time someone reads
that ad in the Star Times itmeans trouble. But here I am still
(03:16):
alive and kicking. You just betterwatch out. You're not intolerable, you
know. Well, thanks Susie.But did you mean intolerable? Sure like
Achilles? What after he was dippedin the river? Stinks? Oh?
It was the sticks? And youmean invulnerable? Oh, intowable? Invulnerable
you could get hurt. Oh,okay, we'll see. By the way,
(03:36):
did you send out why to Alex? Oh of course I did.
Oh good girl. Well expect mewhen you see me. So long,
Susie, Alex high holiday. Soyou're still alive? Oh why not?
It's a good idea. Your luggage? Oh, yes, that's just that's
(03:58):
that's good. A car is justaround the other side of the deploy this
way? Am I supposed to ask? What your letter men? Or?
Do? I? Wait? Prettygood? Ready to tell me? Way?
Do we get into the car?That's it, lou convertible? Whoa,
you've done all right? There's nomotor under the hood. Hop in
PA's ruth. Oh great? Anychildren yet? No? Not yet?
(04:19):
Now look I thought you'd have aboutfive by now. Maybe it's on your
mind, Alex, you're worried aboutsomething. Yeah, I don't know whether
I am a map to him.Look, maybe asking you to stick an
oar. And this was well presumingupon friendship. That's what friendship's for.
It's up to the point. Okay, let's get to the point. Well,
(04:41):
it's practical jokes. I knew you'dlook blank at that. I'm glad
I didn't disappoint you. What's theangle? Practical jokes? Go ahead.
Ruth and I are guests at BernardTrendler's. He's my cousin. You ever
heard of him? Oh? Yes, yes, showed up not too long
ago to claim a fortune, didn'tYes, that's right. He ran away
from home and he was seven teamhe was going fifteen years recently his father,
(05:03):
that's my uncle, he died andlet the entire friend are fortune to
him. If he hadn't been found, it would have been divided among the
rest of us, but he showedup and claimed to him. So,
whether the practical jokes come in?And why Ruth and I have been here
for a week and a half now, every day they've been two or three
practical jokes playing. But first theywere ordinary, not very funny. Just
(05:25):
the music. But what and nowthey're getting vicious, mean, contemptible?
How do you mean that just thatway? Who's the funny man? We
don't know any idea. No,that's why I've asked you to come up.
Oh and look, Dan, don'tlet on. I told you.
Let me do the talking when Iintroduce you, and take your cues from
(05:46):
me. I see, I'm tobe the silent observers at it. Figure
it out for yourself. Could Ior anyone else calling the police? No,
because no one's been hurt yet.Hey, you say that as you
expect trouble and large chunks. Ido, Dan, I do. Somebody
is going to get hurt and badly. Alex jove onto the Trendler place.
(06:13):
There's nothing else he could tell meabout the practical jokes. Then we pulled
up. Before we got to thehouse, you have a tall, thin
man who was walking down the drive. I'le stopped the car and spoke softly
to me. That's Bernie Trendler comingdown the drive. What do I say
or do? How do I explainmy presence? I'll leave that to me.
Just take the cues as I throwhim. Bernie, Hey, Bernie,
(06:34):
Alex is that you, Alex.Yeah, we'll get out of here,
pick up your back later. I'vebeen looking for you, Alex,
and well I beg your part.Bernie. I'm afraid i'm gilly of a
guest's worst crime, dragging in afriend. Nonsense, don't talk like Dan.
There's my cousin, Bernie Trendler.Bernie, Dan Holiday, how do
you do? Fine? You?I'm sorry, I bog didn't like this,
(06:56):
but but I haven't seen Alex inquite a while. Dan's a writer,
Bernie. I thought he might wellstop over a day or so.
He's he's going away, So thatright then? Oh, yes, I'm
going away. Of course, it'sall right, plenty of room. Oh
thank it's very nice of you,that's all. If you'll excuse me,
I've got to see the gardener abouta couple of things that Alex have els.
(07:17):
He showed down his room. Surething, thanks, Bernie, not
at all. I'm glad to haveyou there. So that's Bernard Trendler.
Why do you say it like that, like that, as though you didn't
believe it. Oh, I'll gaveyou that idea. I don't know any
man who has inherited a twenty milliondollar fortune. There's no right to look
at worry he has Huh, what'sthat mean? There are two people in
(07:42):
this house who hate him, hatehim enough to kill him. Well with
that, Alex took me into thehouse, maid showed me to my room,
and well, I saw no oneelse until later that afternoon. Then
I walked into the library on theground floor. There were two people seated
(08:03):
there and stopped at the door.Well, hello, who are you?
Oh? My name is Holiday,Dan Holiday. I'm looking for Alex.
He's looking for Alex. Martha.All right, let him look for Alex.
Have you tried looking under some rocks? Mister Holiday? Dan Holiday?
Did you just arrive just after lunch? Too bad? The lunch was horrible.
(08:26):
You didn't help it. Mother,I didn't try to Henry. You
don't have to try, my dear. Well, I suppose we may as
well introduce ourselves. I'm Henry Trendler. This is my wife, Martha.
How do you do I'm Burning's cousin. Oh I've met mister Trendler. Isn't
that nice, Henry. I'm goingdown to the lake. Well, don't
go too far, my dear,I don't know how to swim my dear.
(08:48):
Yes, I know that. Goodbye. Nice to have met you,
mister a mister Holiday. Oh,she remembers, mister Holiday. It's just
one of her irritating little tricks.Oh, I see he's an attractive woman.
Is there any chance you might fallin love with her? Fall in
love with her? Why? IWhy do you ask that I'll agree to
(09:09):
a divorce immediately? Am I supposedto laugh at that? Anything you like?
You're staying long holiday? One ortwo days? That's quite enough.
Of course, with such lovely peoplearound, I may decide to postpone my
departure until this evening. Oh youlove us once you get used to us
holiday, How glad? It takesa little doing. Oh there, Oh,
(09:30):
I see you two met, Yes, we've met Alex. Oh where's
Martha. She's gone to the lake. Well I think i'll take a little
walk. Nice to have met you, Holliday. Thank you, see you
later. Well, then, charmingpeople, lovely people. In fact,
I've never met two such delightful personalities. Means you've met Martha too? Oh?
(09:50):
Yes, and what do you think? Well? If I'd known,
I'd have brought my two age sword, the big one, then maybe you'd
be a little sour. If youhad twenty million slip away from you like
we have. If Bernie Trender hadn'tshown up, you, Henry and Martha
would have had the whole watermelon,seeds and all. Now, Ruth,
(10:11):
damn, that was Ruth. That'swhy where is she? I left her
in a room? Come on,rude, Ruth? Which why the end
of the hallway? Ruth tarling?What's the matter? Stay with her,
ale I'll see what it is now, deariesst It's all right. Please,
it's all right. I like,come over here, don't look. Damn
(10:39):
kill it now, it's harmless.It's a harmless close a closet door until
we can get a sack for it. Alex. Is is this the kind
of practical joke? He meant?This is the kind of getting to be
I see, Ruth, it's allright now, come on, let's get
(11:01):
out of the room. Yes,well, what's all the first? Take
a look on that closet, Alex. Let her look. I'm willing to
bet she put it there. You'rea more incoherent than usual, Alex.
Mister holiday, what what's in thecloset? A snake? Really? Well?
How nice for ruthe I'll slapped thatsmirk off your face. So though,
Alex, I've been thinking about itfor years. Well, Henry,
(11:24):
this is the first indication I've hadit. You could think for years,
stopping, stopping, Come on,darling, now, what's all the excitement.
It seems that Ruth found a snakein her closet. Oh, I
thought you went to the lake.You do a great deal of thinking,
don't you when I have to andstop thinking about me? Did you put
that snake in there? I nevertouched the things? Sorry? Why are
(11:46):
you at the lake? That,mister, Holiday is none of your business.
I'll leave you to your snake.Oh does something strike you funny,
Henry? Yes, you should feelreally flattered. Holiday flight her to Why
my wife remembered your name? Oh? It was a lovely household. Hate
(12:09):
dipped from the rafters. I couldfeel it. Why should anyone take it
out in stupid vicious franks such asthat snake in us closet? Why it
was before dinner that I decided totake a walk with Alex. He talked,
I listened first. It was amusinga frog in one's bed clothes missing
from the bathhouse of the lake wildincredible phone calls for all of us.
(12:31):
How long has this been going on, Alex in just about a week now?
Have you any idea who it is? None? But why then,
why should anyone want to frighten Ruthout of her wits? Does Martha hate
Ruth? Martha hates everyone? Martha'sa chronic congenital hater. What does she
have against Ruth? Is it nota thing in the world? Has everyone
bene victim of these franks? Yes, damn, they've got to stop.
(12:52):
You can see what you mean,has Ruth? And she's all right?
We changed rooms. She won't gonear the one we had. It was
a harm a snake obviously, noone meant to harm Ruth. Oh no,
just frighten her half to death.Why don't you leave, Alex,
it's a potential air. They'd bea little ridiculous. I see. How
about Henry and Martha. They won'tleave, not as long as they can
(13:13):
stay here free. Well, look, you say these things started about a
week ago? Are you sure?Yes? They started just like that,
no warning, no talk of franksor jokes, and they're getting worse vicious.
I give him, no, damn, please, What do you want
me to do? Obviously? Theperson or person's doing these things won't admit
it. Apparently he or she intendsto go on with it until the one
(13:39):
until until what, until the persongets to the real reason, the real
objective of his viciousness. Who whothe person he or she means to kill?
(14:01):
And now back to death is nojoke? Another Box thirteen adventure with
Ellen lad As Dan Holliday. MaybeI was right, Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe no one wanted to kill anyone, and there was nothing we could
go to the police about. Whatdo you say in a case like this,
somebody's playing jokes? And what aboutmy host, whom I hadn't seen
(14:24):
since my arrival, Well I sawplenty of him. That same evening,
after dinner were five of us inthe library, Alex and Ruth, Henry
and Martha and myself. What littleconversation there had been was down to an
occasional cough, everyone who was asjittery as a rookie pitcher facing the Yanks
for the first time. Then I'mglad all of you are together for a
(14:46):
change of Danny, how nice tosee us. To the matter, Bernie,
you'll look mad, I am.What's all that? A book and
some pictures. Say where you are, Henry? Oh very well? This
evening, when I went to myroom after dinner, I discovered someone had
been there before me. Oh,Bernie, it could have been your cousin
Martha. Oh please not in frontof Henry. Oh what difference does it
(15:07):
make? What are you getting at, Bernie? Look, this is an
old high school annual of mine.Oh no, not that. Next you'll
bring up the album. If Iremember correctly, you were the only baby
who managed to look positively gruesome lyingon a table. Sorry, what about
that annual? Bernie? Every singlepicture of me has either been the face
or cut out. Well let's seehe got hands off. Yes, but
(15:31):
I only want to look bunny.All right there? Every picture cut out
O the face, that's right.And these pictures were hanging in my room
and in the study. Look,oh you've been cut out of all And
I want to know who did it. I'll speak up which one of you
was it? I swear if Ifind out, I'll Tarry's thrown out.
(15:52):
I one moved a said a word. Bernie Trandler's face was as white as
a sheet, his eyes crinkling.The slits that glared from one of us
to the other. I looked atthe others. They were scared. Yes,
even Martha was afaid to open hermouth. Then after a few seconds,
I warn you, I warn you, whoever is doing this, I
listen, stopped and stop immediately.I'll do something about it. Do you
hear? I want to stop.Burn, you're frightening me. I'm sorry.
(16:17):
I think I'm going to bed.You're doing these things, Martha picked
my warning. Seriously, if Iwere doing them, Bernie, they'd be
worse than they are. Good night, and if I find any snakes,
I'll let you know. Someone toget out of here. I want to
go, Ruth, everything will beall. I want to get out of
it. Ruth, it's true.Maybe she's got stuck. I have you
(16:41):
ain't Bernie, you ain't stop it? Stop it taker upstairs, Alex,
go ahead and please all right,come on, come on. Well,
I guess the party's over. I'llturn into just a moment. Henry.
Yeah, I hope you know Imeant what I said. Why look at
me. Get out of here,go to your room, thank you.
I will good n and close thedoor after you. I'm sorry for that
(17:07):
display of temper. Holiday. Thisnonsense has been too much. I don't
suppose you have any idea who wasbehind it? No, but this is
the last straw. I wonder ifthere'll be any more. Why do you
say that? I wonder if thisis the last joke? It had better
be. Suppose it's not, thenI'll send for the police and tell them
what that someone's been playing jokes,facing and ruining these books and pictures of
(17:27):
vandalism. They meant quite a bitto you, didn't they? Of course
they did high school annual and photographs? Oh? When were the pictures taken
plenty years ago? Fifteen sixteen yearsago when I was in high school?
Why? I was just thinking,very strange that only those photographs of you
and athletic costumes should have been destroyed. Let me see, you're right,
(17:51):
that's odd, very odd. Oh, here's one of you that hasn't been
destroyed. Let me look at it, seventeen years old. What happened when
you were seventeen? Granny? Whatdo you mean? Just nothing? Nothing
that I can remember, but somethingthat someone else could remember. What the
(18:14):
devil are you talking about? Holiday? I don't know yet. Maybe i'll
find out. Not being able tosleep, I went for a walk in
the moon lived garden. Suddenly Iheard voices, a man's and a woman's
coming from the garden house. Iwalk closer. I don't know why I
(18:37):
agreed to meet you out here inthe first place. Oh you don't,
I think. So? What doyou want? Just a small, tiny
cat of the twenty million? Whatmakes you think I give it to you?
That makes you think you won't?Lots of things? How big a
fool do you think I am?That's up to you. How big a
fool can you make of yourself?Not quite as big as I can make
of you? What's on that venommind of yours? Money? I don't
(19:02):
mean that you were a fool,Bernie, A fool to bring that book
in those pictures downstairs tonight? SoI was a fool. Why don't forget
that I used to visit this houseas a child. I remember lots of
things my stupid husband doesn't, andthings other people don't remember, such as
well, let's put it this way, Bernie. Let's say in those days
(19:26):
you were more ghost than you arenow are You could kill you for that?
You would try to kill me?Wh't you with pleasure? But don't
try your Bernie, because if youdo, you'll be found out? Do
you want? I told you thinkit over, cousin, you have utntil
tomorrow morning. She left the gardenhouse and passed me. I stood in
(19:52):
the shadows and watched her. Therewas a little smile on my face.
Then I looked toward the garden house. Bernie Trendler stood in the doorway.
The shaft of moonlight struck across hisface, and if ever a face showed
murder, it was his. Whydon't you tell me where you're going?
(20:21):
Dan? I can't, Alex,I I can until I'm sure of what
I think I know? What's allthe mystery? Oh? Snakes and phone
calls and torn out pictures? Wantto ride into town? Is that?
Yeah? That's right? Just driveme in, okay, But let me
in on something, will you?You have to let me in on something
first? What had anyone seen BernieTrendler before he showed up and claimed the
(20:45):
money in the estate? Not forfifteen years? Why who identified him?
The lawyers? He had all thenecessary stuff and all papers. Let us
from my uncle? I see,Now where's high school he went to?
We're just outside of town. Whatthe devil are you getting hand? Where
had Bernie Ben before he showed upto claim the estate South America. He
said, okay, take me toout of high school. What's the matter,
(21:10):
like, Dan, something's wrong withthe brakes. Try the emergency?
No good? Then we're picking upspeed on this hill. Try to shift
in the second compression of the enginewill hold it back. Stay close to
the left. Don't get there theembankment. What if someone's coming up the
hill. We've got to take thatchance. Where isn't there a side row?
(21:30):
How there isn't any no turn offs? Keep your hands on the wheel.
That emergency is no good. Wegot a me pedal at all with
a foot break none at all.Look, scrape the side of the hill
on the left going easy. That'llslow us down. But Dan, we
can do it. It's our onlychance. Okay again, keep close and
(21:51):
keep scraping. Sure, Dan,where are you going? Look? Someone
cut through the brake fluid lines?What? Dan, You're crazy? Why
(22:11):
should anyone want to cut through?You tell anyone we were coming into town.
Sure everyone knew it. That's great, Alex. You stay here and
want people away from this? Whereare you going now? I'm going to
high school? Well that's right.I had to be right. After I
left the high school with the informationI found, I went to the sheriff's
(22:32):
office, told him my story andplowed into his car, picked up Alex
on the way back, and thenturned to her house. Ruth, Ruth,
let's say close, Sheriff, Alexover mind that. Where's Bernie?
Brennie? Well, I don't knowwhy? Hello, everybody? What's all
of us? How are you?Sheriff? What are you doing here?
Henry? Where's Bernie? Bernie andMatha went out on the lake? The
(22:55):
lake? Yes, they went rowing. She can't swim. She's in the
boat. She doesn't have to swim. That's what you're like, Alex.
Is a boat we can use.It's a speedboat tied up at the wharf.
Or come on, let's go.I can't have gone final, robot,
(23:18):
Dan, are you sure of whatyou told me? I'm positive we've
got to get to them before there'sa murder, a murder that looked like
an accident. There they are.Get more speed out of this. I
can't Dan, Bernie Burnie, look, he's wrong for sure. Cut in
ahead, I'll try to head himup. Where's Martha lying in the boat?
(23:41):
Cut in faster? Alex faster.That's it. Don't let him get
the shore. Get on, geton her shop to kill get on.
He's jumped for shore. Now whatif he gets away? Let it?
He could be backed up later.Get the Martha, Martha, Martha,
(24:04):
he just thought alongside. All right. Yeah, it's just knocked out.
He got away. I can't getpat Bernie. He don't. Oh,
it's all right, Martha. He'sgone. Martha, Martha, you're all
right now. He was going tokill me. Yes, I know he
(24:25):
was going to kill you because youknew he wasn't a real Bernie Chandler hit
me, heyde I I saw himstart to, but I couldn't do anything
about it. Are you all rightnow, Martha? I mean, are
(24:48):
you all right? She's all right, Henry, I'll get it. It's
probably the show. I suppose Ishould thank you, mister Holiday. Well,
it might be nice, thank you. They got him alive. Yes,
you're right down. Someone please explainall this. The real Bernie Chandler
is probably dead, killed by theman who passed himself off as the real
(25:11):
Bernie. Uh, isn't that right? Martha? I don't do anything about
it, Martha. Oh all right, I knew he wasn't the real Bernie
last night and you realized the pictureswere defaced to cut out. Yes,
Bernie Pendler was left handed by George. That's right. Why remember now?
(25:33):
You see, all those practical jokeswere leading up to the destruction of the
pictures. He couldn't get rid ofthem without attracting attention and suspicion, so
he took the elaborate way out.The jokes would have stopped once he'd destroyed
those pictures. What about the highschool? Then? I saw pictures there
of the real Bernie in a baseballuniform with a baseball glove on his right
(25:56):
hand. Oh, how could hehope to get by with a fraud?
He did? Remember? The realBernie was missing for fifteen years. But
what made you think of it?Dad? I mean the left handedness.
Well, let's say the real Berniewas Ghosh in those days. What's the
matter, Martha, Nothing, nothingat all, I hope. Oh Ghosh
(26:19):
is French for left, isn't it, Martha? Yes, yes it is?
Well is there anything else to tell? Why are you too looking at
each other like that? And II was just wondering how much I have
to thank mister Holiday for well,let's say you've already thanked me for everything.
(26:55):
I knew it. I knew it. You go away from Playton,
come and try to kill HM.Tried to by cutting the brake lines because
he thought I'd guessed, and justmake those two nasty people will get all
that money, not all. Alexwill get his share, which is all
I care about. And you didn'ttell what you heard in the garden house.
(27:15):
Now why should I, Susie?Well, I think that can chevalry
too far. Chevel Good nights,Susie next week, same time, through
the courtesy of Hermont Pictures. AllanLadd stars as Dan Holiday in Box thirteen.
Bats thirteen is directed by Richard Sandviolle, with this week's original story by
(27:38):
Orn Blackstone. Original music is composedand conducted by Rudy Schraeger Bartlett. Susie
is played by Sylvia Picker, andproduction is supervised by Verne Carstenson. Batch
thirteen is a Mayfair production from Hollywood. Watch Brellen Ladd in his latest I'm
(28:00):
On picture, Welcome Back. Wow. That was a lovely family. These
days, they'd be getting a realityshow, all right. A comment off
of Facebook, Shannon writs in Ilove your podcast, Adam. I can't
get enough of Dan Holiday. Ilistened to Box thirteen when I'm guarding me.
I'll never be able to look atmy morning glories without thinking, oh,
(28:22):
good night, Susie. Keep itup well. Thanks Shannon, and
thank you so much for all yourcomments and feedback and support. Much appreciated.
We'll be back next week with anotherepisode of Box thirteen. Also next
week, for those of you we'reinterested, we'll have a new lead,
Frank Graham taking over on Jeff Reaganand this Saturday, of course, it's
(28:45):
The Candy Toothcaeper starring Howard Duff.But if you have a comment, email
me Box thirteen at Great Detectives dotnet, cast your vote for the show
on podcast Alley, Podcast Alley dotGreat Detectives dot net, and you can
always follow us on Twitter at RadioDetectives. From Boise, Idaho, this
is your host, Adam Graham's sonand off
Welcome to the Great Detectives of OldTime Radio from Boise, Idaho. This
is your host, Adam Graham.Got a comment, Email it to me
Box thirteen at Great Detectives dot net. Cast your vote for the show on
podcast Alley Podcast Alley dot Great Detectivesdot net, and become a fan on
Facebook, Facebook dot Great Detectives dotnet. Before we get into today's episode
(00:49):
of Box thirteen, I want tolet you know a little bit about our
sponsors. If you like the flexibilityto live your life and do the things
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trial. All right, so it'stime for Box thirteen. Today's episode is
(01:33):
called Death Is No Joke Box thirteen, with the style of Paramount Pictures.
Alan Ladd as Dan Holiday. DearDan, knowing your Box thirteen and go.
(01:57):
I hope what I have to offerintriguing enough to tempt you. At
least I think it can be interesting. As a matter of fact, An
this thing has got to the pointnow where it's becoming downright vicious and scares
me a little. What the thingis? I'll tell you when and if
I see you. If you candrag yourself away from town, could drag
(02:23):
yourself away from for a few days. Consider this letter an invitation to join
me at the country home of BernardTrendler, my cousin. Enclosed are the
directions forgetting there. I'll meet youat the station. Wire me first as
ever, Alex. Yeah, itsounded harmless and simple, two words I'd
never apply to murder. And nowback to Batch thirteen and Dan Holiday's newest
(02:55):
adventure, Death Is No Joke.I don't think you should go, mister
Holiday. And why not, Susie. Well, every time you kept an
invitation like this, something that happensto you Susie. Every time someone reads
that ad in the Star Times itmeans trouble. But here I am still
(03:16):
alive and kicking. You just betterwatch out. You're not intolerable, you
know. Well, thanks Susie.But did you mean intolerable? Sure like
Achilles? What after he was dippedin the river? Stinks? Oh?
It was the sticks? And youmean invulnerable? Oh, intowable? Invulnerable
you could get hurt. Oh,okay, we'll see. By the way,
(03:36):
did you send out why to Alex? Oh of course I did.
Oh good girl. Well expect mewhen you see me. So long,
Susie, Alex high holiday. Soyou're still alive? Oh why not?
It's a good idea. Your luggage? Oh, yes, that's just that's
(03:58):
that's good. A car is justaround the other side of the deploy this
way? Am I supposed to ask? What your letter men? Or?
Do? I? Wait? Prettygood? Ready to tell me? Way?
Do we get into the car?That's it, lou convertible? Whoa,
you've done all right? There's nomotor under the hood. Hop in
PA's ruth. Oh great? Anychildren yet? No? Not yet?
(04:19):
Now look I thought you'd have aboutfive by now. Maybe it's on your
mind, Alex, you're worried aboutsomething. Yeah, I don't know whether
I am a map to him.Look, maybe asking you to stick an
oar. And this was well presumingupon friendship. That's what friendship's for.
It's up to the point. Okay, let's get to the point. Well,
(04:41):
it's practical jokes. I knew you'dlook blank at that. I'm glad
I didn't disappoint you. What's theangle? Practical jokes? Go ahead.
Ruth and I are guests at BernardTrendler's. He's my cousin. You ever
heard of him? Oh? Yes, yes, showed up not too long
ago to claim a fortune, didn'tYes, that's right. He ran away
from home and he was seven teamhe was going fifteen years recently his father,
(05:03):
that's my uncle, he died andlet the entire friend are fortune to
him. If he hadn't been found, it would have been divided among the
rest of us, but he showedup and claimed to him. So,
whether the practical jokes come in?And why Ruth and I have been here
for a week and a half now, every day they've been two or three
practical jokes playing. But first theywere ordinary, not very funny. Just
(05:25):
the music. But what and nowthey're getting vicious, mean, contemptible?
How do you mean that just thatway? Who's the funny man? We
don't know any idea. No,that's why I've asked you to come up.
Oh and look, Dan, don'tlet on. I told you.
Let me do the talking when Iintroduce you, and take your cues from
(05:46):
me. I see, I'm tobe the silent observers at it. Figure
it out for yourself. Could Ior anyone else calling the police? No,
because no one's been hurt yet.Hey, you say that as you
expect trouble and large chunks. Ido, Dan, I do. Somebody
is going to get hurt and badly. Alex jove onto the Trendler place.
(06:13):
There's nothing else he could tell meabout the practical jokes. Then we pulled
up. Before we got to thehouse, you have a tall, thin
man who was walking down the drive. I'le stopped the car and spoke softly
to me. That's Bernie Trendler comingdown the drive. What do I say
or do? How do I explainmy presence? I'll leave that to me.
Just take the cues as I throwhim. Bernie, Hey, Bernie,
(06:34):
Alex is that you, Alex.Yeah, we'll get out of here,
pick up your back later. I'vebeen looking for you, Alex,
and well I beg your part.Bernie. I'm afraid i'm gilly of a
guest's worst crime, dragging in afriend. Nonsense, don't talk like Dan.
There's my cousin, Bernie Trendler.Bernie, Dan Holiday, how do
you do? Fine? You?I'm sorry, I bog didn't like this,
(06:56):
but but I haven't seen Alex inquite a while. Dan's a writer,
Bernie. I thought he might wellstop over a day or so.
He's he's going away, So thatright then? Oh, yes, I'm
going away. Of course, it'sall right, plenty of room. Oh
thank it's very nice of you,that's all. If you'll excuse me,
I've got to see the gardener abouta couple of things that Alex have els.
(07:17):
He showed down his room. Surething, thanks, Bernie, not
at all. I'm glad to haveyou there. So that's Bernard Trendler.
Why do you say it like that, like that, as though you didn't
believe it. Oh, I'll gaveyou that idea. I don't know any
man who has inherited a twenty milliondollar fortune. There's no right to look
at worry he has Huh, what'sthat mean? There are two people in
(07:42):
this house who hate him, hatehim enough to kill him. Well with
that, Alex took me into thehouse, maid showed me to my room,
and well, I saw no oneelse until later that afternoon. Then
I walked into the library on theground floor. There were two people seated
(08:03):
there and stopped at the door.Well, hello, who are you?
Oh? My name is Holiday,Dan Holiday. I'm looking for Alex.
He's looking for Alex. Martha.All right, let him look for Alex.
Have you tried looking under some rocks? Mister Holiday? Dan Holiday?
Did you just arrive just after lunch? Too bad? The lunch was horrible.
(08:26):
You didn't help it. Mother,I didn't try to Henry. You
don't have to try, my dear. Well, I suppose we may as
well introduce ourselves. I'm Henry Trendler. This is my wife, Martha.
How do you do I'm Burning's cousin. Oh I've met mister Trendler. Isn't
that nice, Henry. I'm goingdown to the lake. Well, don't
go too far, my dear,I don't know how to swim my dear.
(08:48):
Yes, I know that. Goodbye. Nice to have met you,
mister a mister Holiday. Oh,she remembers, mister Holiday. It's just
one of her irritating little tricks.Oh, I see he's an attractive woman.
Is there any chance you might fallin love with her? Fall in
love with her? Why? IWhy do you ask that I'll agree to
(09:09):
a divorce immediately? Am I supposedto laugh at that? Anything you like?
You're staying long holiday? One ortwo days? That's quite enough.
Of course, with such lovely peoplearound, I may decide to postpone my
departure until this evening. Oh youlove us once you get used to us
holiday, How glad? It takesa little doing. Oh there, Oh,
(09:30):
I see you two met, Yes, we've met Alex. Oh where's
Martha. She's gone to the lake. Well I think i'll take a little
walk. Nice to have met you, Holliday. Thank you, see you
later. Well, then, charmingpeople, lovely people. In fact,
I've never met two such delightful personalities. Means you've met Martha too? Oh?
(09:50):
Yes, and what do you think? Well? If I'd known,
I'd have brought my two age sword, the big one, then maybe you'd
be a little sour. If youhad twenty million slip away from you like
we have. If Bernie Trender hadn'tshown up, you, Henry and Martha
would have had the whole watermelon,seeds and all. Now, Ruth,
(10:11):
damn, that was Ruth. That'swhy where is she? I left her
in a room? Come on,rude, Ruth? Which why the end
of the hallway? Ruth tarling?What's the matter? Stay with her,
ale I'll see what it is now, deariesst It's all right. Please,
it's all right. I like,come over here, don't look. Damn
(10:39):
kill it now, it's harmless.It's a harmless close a closet door until
we can get a sack for it. Alex. Is is this the kind
of practical joke? He meant?This is the kind of getting to be
I see, Ruth, it's allright now, come on, let's get
(11:01):
out of the room. Yes,well, what's all the first? Take
a look on that closet, Alex. Let her look. I'm willing to
bet she put it there. You'rea more incoherent than usual, Alex.
Mister holiday, what what's in thecloset? A snake? Really? Well?
How nice for ruthe I'll slapped thatsmirk off your face. So though,
Alex, I've been thinking about itfor years. Well, Henry,
(11:24):
this is the first indication I've hadit. You could think for years,
stopping, stopping, Come on,darling, now, what's all the excitement.
It seems that Ruth found a snakein her closet. Oh, I
thought you went to the lake.You do a great deal of thinking,
don't you when I have to andstop thinking about me? Did you put
that snake in there? I nevertouched the things? Sorry? Why are
(11:46):
you at the lake? That,mister, Holiday is none of your business.
I'll leave you to your snake.Oh does something strike you funny,
Henry? Yes, you should feelreally flattered. Holiday flight her to Why
my wife remembered your name? Oh? It was a lovely household. Hate
(12:09):
dipped from the rafters. I couldfeel it. Why should anyone take it
out in stupid vicious franks such asthat snake in us closet? Why it
was before dinner that I decided totake a walk with Alex. He talked,
I listened first. It was amusinga frog in one's bed clothes missing
from the bathhouse of the lake wildincredible phone calls for all of us.
(12:31):
How long has this been going on, Alex in just about a week now?
Have you any idea who it is? None? But why then,
why should anyone want to frighten Ruthout of her wits? Does Martha hate
Ruth? Martha hates everyone? Martha'sa chronic congenital hater. What does she
have against Ruth? Is it nota thing in the world? Has everyone
bene victim of these franks? Yes, damn, they've got to stop.
(12:52):
You can see what you mean,has Ruth? And she's all right?
We changed rooms. She won't gonear the one we had. It was
a harm a snake obviously, noone meant to harm Ruth. Oh no,
just frighten her half to death.Why don't you leave, Alex,
it's a potential air. They'd bea little ridiculous. I see. How
about Henry and Martha. They won'tleave, not as long as they can
(13:13):
stay here free. Well, look, you say these things started about a
week ago? Are you sure?Yes? They started just like that,
no warning, no talk of franksor jokes, and they're getting worse vicious.
I give him, no, damn, please, What do you want
me to do? Obviously? Theperson or person's doing these things won't admit
it. Apparently he or she intendsto go on with it until the one
(13:39):
until until what, until the persongets to the real reason, the real
objective of his viciousness. Who whothe person he or she means to kill?
(14:01):
And now back to death is nojoke? Another Box thirteen adventure with
Ellen lad As Dan Holliday. MaybeI was right, Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe no one wanted to kill anyone, and there was nothing we could
go to the police about. Whatdo you say in a case like this,
somebody's playing jokes? And what aboutmy host, whom I hadn't seen
(14:24):
since my arrival, Well I sawplenty of him. That same evening,
after dinner were five of us inthe library, Alex and Ruth, Henry
and Martha and myself. What littleconversation there had been was down to an
occasional cough, everyone who was asjittery as a rookie pitcher facing the Yanks
for the first time. Then I'mglad all of you are together for a
(14:46):
change of Danny, how nice tosee us. To the matter, Bernie,
you'll look mad, I am.What's all that? A book and
some pictures. Say where you are, Henry? Oh very well? This
evening, when I went to myroom after dinner, I discovered someone had
been there before me. Oh,Bernie, it could have been your cousin
Martha. Oh please not in frontof Henry. Oh what difference does it
(15:07):
make? What are you getting at, Bernie? Look, this is an
old high school annual of mine.Oh no, not that. Next you'll
bring up the album. If Iremember correctly, you were the only baby
who managed to look positively gruesome lyingon a table. Sorry, what about
that annual? Bernie? Every singlepicture of me has either been the face
or cut out. Well let's seehe got hands off. Yes, but
(15:31):
I only want to look bunny.All right there? Every picture cut out
O the face, that's right.And these pictures were hanging in my room
and in the study. Look,oh you've been cut out of all And
I want to know who did it. I'll speak up which one of you
was it? I swear if Ifind out, I'll Tarry's thrown out.
(15:52):
I one moved a said a word. Bernie Trandler's face was as white as
a sheet, his eyes crinkling.The slits that glared from one of us
to the other. I looked atthe others. They were scared. Yes,
even Martha was afaid to open hermouth. Then after a few seconds,
I warn you, I warn you, whoever is doing this, I
listen, stopped and stop immediately.I'll do something about it. Do you
hear? I want to stop.Burn, you're frightening me. I'm sorry.
(16:17):
I think I'm going to bed.You're doing these things, Martha picked
my warning. Seriously, if Iwere doing them, Bernie, they'd be
worse than they are. Good night, and if I find any snakes,
I'll let you know. Someone toget out of here. I want to
go, Ruth, everything will beall. I want to get out of
it. Ruth, it's true.Maybe she's got stuck. I have you
(16:41):
ain't Bernie, you ain't stop it? Stop it taker upstairs, Alex,
go ahead and please all right,come on, come on. Well,
I guess the party's over. I'llturn into just a moment. Henry.
Yeah, I hope you know Imeant what I said. Why look at
me. Get out of here,go to your room, thank you.
I will good n and close thedoor after you. I'm sorry for that
(17:07):
display of temper. Holiday. Thisnonsense has been too much. I don't
suppose you have any idea who wasbehind it? No, but this is
the last straw. I wonder ifthere'll be any more. Why do you
say that? I wonder if thisis the last joke? It had better
be. Suppose it's not, thenI'll send for the police and tell them
what that someone's been playing jokes,facing and ruining these books and pictures of
(17:27):
vandalism. They meant quite a bitto you, didn't they? Of course
they did high school annual and photographs? Oh? When were the pictures taken
plenty years ago? Fifteen sixteen yearsago when I was in high school?
Why? I was just thinking,very strange that only those photographs of you
and athletic costumes should have been destroyed. Let me see, you're right,
(17:51):
that's odd, very odd. Oh, here's one of you that hasn't been
destroyed. Let me look at it, seventeen years old. What happened when
you were seventeen? Granny? Whatdo you mean? Just nothing? Nothing
that I can remember, but somethingthat someone else could remember. What the
(18:14):
devil are you talking about? Holiday? I don't know yet. Maybe i'll
find out. Not being able tosleep, I went for a walk in
the moon lived garden. Suddenly Iheard voices, a man's and a woman's
coming from the garden house. Iwalk closer. I don't know why I
(18:37):
agreed to meet you out here inthe first place. Oh you don't,
I think. So? What doyou want? Just a small, tiny
cat of the twenty million? Whatmakes you think I give it to you?
That makes you think you won't?Lots of things? How big a
fool do you think I am?That's up to you. How big a
fool can you make of yourself?Not quite as big as I can make
of you? What's on that venommind of yours? Money? I don't
(19:02):
mean that you were a fool,Bernie, A fool to bring that book
in those pictures downstairs tonight? SoI was a fool. Why don't forget
that I used to visit this houseas a child. I remember lots of
things my stupid husband doesn't, andthings other people don't remember, such as
well, let's put it this way, Bernie. Let's say in those days
(19:26):
you were more ghost than you arenow are You could kill you for that?
You would try to kill me?Wh't you with pleasure? But don't
try your Bernie, because if youdo, you'll be found out? Do
you want? I told you thinkit over, cousin, you have utntil
tomorrow morning. She left the gardenhouse and passed me. I stood in
(19:52):
the shadows and watched her. Therewas a little smile on my face.
Then I looked toward the garden house. Bernie Trendler stood in the doorway.
The shaft of moonlight struck across hisface, and if ever a face showed
murder, it was his. Whydon't you tell me where you're going?
(20:21):
Dan? I can't, Alex,I I can until I'm sure of what
I think I know? What's allthe mystery? Oh? Snakes and phone
calls and torn out pictures? Wantto ride into town? Is that?
Yeah? That's right? Just driveme in, okay, But let me
in on something, will you?You have to let me in on something
first? What had anyone seen BernieTrendler before he showed up and claimed the
(20:45):
money in the estate? Not forfifteen years? Why who identified him?
The lawyers? He had all thenecessary stuff and all papers. Let us
from my uncle? I see,Now where's high school he went to?
We're just outside of town. Whatthe devil are you getting hand? Where
had Bernie Ben before he showed upto claim the estate South America. He
said, okay, take me toout of high school. What's the matter,
(21:10):
like, Dan, something's wrong withthe brakes. Try the emergency?
No good? Then we're picking upspeed on this hill. Try to shift
in the second compression of the enginewill hold it back. Stay close to
the left. Don't get there theembankment. What if someone's coming up the
hill. We've got to take thatchance. Where isn't there a side row?
(21:30):
How there isn't any no turn offs? Keep your hands on the wheel.
That emergency is no good. Wegot a me pedal at all with
a foot break none at all.Look, scrape the side of the hill
on the left going easy. That'llslow us down. But Dan, we
can do it. It's our onlychance. Okay again, keep close and
(21:51):
keep scraping. Sure, Dan,where are you going? Look? Someone
cut through the brake fluid lines?What? Dan, You're crazy? Why
(22:11):
should anyone want to cut through?You tell anyone we were coming into town.
Sure everyone knew it. That's great, Alex. You stay here and
want people away from this? Whereare you going now? I'm going to
high school? Well that's right.I had to be right. After I
left the high school with the informationI found, I went to the sheriff's
(22:32):
office, told him my story andplowed into his car, picked up Alex
on the way back, and thenturned to her house. Ruth, Ruth,
let's say close, Sheriff, Alexover mind that. Where's Bernie?
Brennie? Well, I don't knowwhy? Hello, everybody? What's all
of us? How are you?Sheriff? What are you doing here?
Henry? Where's Bernie? Bernie andMatha went out on the lake? The
(22:55):
lake? Yes, they went rowing. She can't swim. She's in the
boat. She doesn't have to swim. That's what you're like, Alex.
Is a boat we can use.It's a speedboat tied up at the wharf.
Or come on, let's go.I can't have gone final, robot,
(23:18):
Dan, are you sure of whatyou told me? I'm positive we've
got to get to them before there'sa murder, a murder that looked like
an accident. There they are.Get more speed out of this. I
can't Dan, Bernie Burnie, look, he's wrong for sure. Cut in
ahead, I'll try to head himup. Where's Martha lying in the boat?
(23:41):
Cut in faster? Alex faster.That's it. Don't let him get
the shore. Get on, geton her shop to kill get on.
He's jumped for shore. Now whatif he gets away? Let it?
He could be backed up later.Get the Martha, Martha, Martha,
(24:04):
he just thought alongside. All right. Yeah, it's just knocked out.
He got away. I can't getpat Bernie. He don't. Oh,
it's all right, Martha. He'sgone. Martha, Martha, you're all
right now. He was going tokill me. Yes, I know he
(24:25):
was going to kill you because youknew he wasn't a real Bernie Chandler hit
me, heyde I I saw himstart to, but I couldn't do anything
about it. Are you all rightnow, Martha? I mean, are
(24:48):
you all right? She's all right, Henry, I'll get it. It's
probably the show. I suppose Ishould thank you, mister Holiday. Well,
it might be nice, thank you. They got him alive. Yes,
you're right down. Someone please explainall this. The real Bernie Chandler
is probably dead, killed by theman who passed himself off as the real
(25:11):
Bernie. Uh, isn't that right? Martha? I don't do anything about
it, Martha. Oh all right, I knew he wasn't the real Bernie
last night and you realized the pictureswere defaced to cut out. Yes,
Bernie Pendler was left handed by George. That's right. Why remember now?
(25:33):
You see, all those practical jokeswere leading up to the destruction of the
pictures. He couldn't get rid ofthem without attracting attention and suspicion, so
he took the elaborate way out.The jokes would have stopped once he'd destroyed
those pictures. What about the highschool? Then? I saw pictures there
of the real Bernie in a baseballuniform with a baseball glove on his right
(25:56):
hand. Oh, how could hehope to get by with a fraud?
He did? Remember? The realBernie was missing for fifteen years. But
what made you think of it?Dad? I mean the left handedness.
Well, let's say the real Berniewas Ghosh in those days. What's the
matter, Martha, Nothing, nothingat all, I hope. Oh Ghosh
(26:19):
is French for left, isn't it, Martha? Yes, yes it is?
Well is there anything else to tell? Why are you too looking at
each other like that? And II was just wondering how much I have
to thank mister Holiday for well,let's say you've already thanked me for everything.
(26:55):
I knew it. I knew it. You go away from Playton,
come and try to kill HM.Tried to by cutting the brake lines because
he thought I'd guessed, and justmake those two nasty people will get all
that money, not all. Alexwill get his share, which is all
I care about. And you didn'ttell what you heard in the garden house.
(27:15):
Now why should I, Susie?Well, I think that can chevalry
too far. Chevel Good nights,Susie next week, same time, through
the courtesy of Hermont Pictures. AllanLadd stars as Dan Holiday in Box thirteen.
Bats thirteen is directed by Richard Sandviolle, with this week's original story by
(27:38):
Orn Blackstone. Original music is composedand conducted by Rudy Schraeger Bartlett. Susie
is played by Sylvia Picker, andproduction is supervised by Verne Carstenson. Batch
thirteen is a Mayfair production from Hollywood. Watch Brellen Ladd in his latest I'm
(28:00):
On picture, Welcome Back. Wow. That was a lovely family. These
days, they'd be getting a realityshow, all right. A comment off
of Facebook, Shannon writs in Ilove your podcast, Adam. I can't
get enough of Dan Holiday. Ilistened to Box thirteen when I'm guarding me.
I'll never be able to look atmy morning glories without thinking, oh,
(28:22):
good night, Susie. Keep itup well. Thanks Shannon, and
thank you so much for all yourcomments and feedback and support. Much appreciated.
We'll be back next week with anotherepisode of Box thirteen. Also next
week, for those of you we'reinterested, we'll have a new lead,
Frank Graham taking over on Jeff Reaganand this Saturday, of course, it's
(28:45):
The Candy Toothcaeper starring Howard Duff.But if you have a comment, email
me Box thirteen at Great Detectives dotnet, cast your vote for the show
on podcast Alley, Podcast Alley dotGreat Detectives dot net, and you can
always follow us on Twitter at RadioDetectives. From Boise, Idaho, this
is your host, Adam Graham's sonand off
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