May 15, 2025 • 42 mins
Step into the world of Victorian London, filled with humor, crime, and adventure. Follow a unique group of men who, having exhausted lifes pleasures, form a Burglars Club for some much-needed excitement. Here, membership comes with a price - a city burglary as an entrance fee, set by their president. Every other year, each member needs to maintain his subscription through a provincial line. This gripping tale skillfully intertwines the thrill of crime with the charm of camaraderie.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter four of The Burglars Club, a romance in twelve chronicles.
This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please
visit LibriVox dot org. The Burglars Club by Henry Augustus
(00:26):
Herring the Felmunger's Goblet, Mister Septimus Toft, Sir, the letter ran.
The texts are on the scent. If you want any
further information, meet me at the Blue Lion Monument at
nine thirty to morrow evening without fail, yours et cetera.
(00:53):
J Driver. Mister Toft stared at the letter with much
discover us and more alarm. It was certainly a regrettable
communication for a commercial magnate, a magistrate, and a pillar
of society to be obliged to attend to. It would
(01:16):
have troubled him had it come before Belka had absconded,
but now it was much worse. Balker would have shared
the anxiety and interviewed J Driver. He could have guessed
on what particular sent the detectives were engaged, and his
(01:38):
fertile ingenuity would have suggested an obvious way of circumventing them.
Whereas mister Toft's unaided vision saw none. Nine thirty tomorrow evening,
mister Toft smiled feebly at the humor of the situation.
(02:00):
Tomorrow evening, at at o'clock, he was advertised to take
the chair at a young men's mutual improvement meeting, and
the gentleman who was to deliver the evening's lecture occupied
the post of His Majesty's Solicitor General. He would probably
have to prosecute me on behalf of the crown, thought Toft,
(02:25):
so he determined to propitiate him by special attention to
his discourse and by frequent applause. On the following evening,
mister Toft made his way to the Blue Lion. The
lecture had not been a success, as far as he
was concerned. Try as he might, he could not concentrate
(02:49):
his thoughts on the subject. He had applauded at wrong
places once, a titter from the audience had resulted, and
the Solicitor General had turned on him a look of
pained surprise. In the agony of the moment, he had
pulled the tablecloth, and the glass of water thereon had upset,
(03:15):
incidentally splashing the lecturer. The titter developed into a laugh
through which a legal glare had petrified him. At nine
o'clock the lecture was over. The Solicitor General listened in
silence to mister Toft's apologies, and then bowed coldly. Mister
(03:40):
Toft felt that he was lost, indeed if it came
to the law courts, and hurried away to his appointment
in a state of feverish anxiety. He had come to
the lecture in a soft, wide awake hat and the
oldest top coat in his wardrobe. He now donned a
(04:02):
woolen muffler and put on a pair of smoked glass spectacles.
This was his idea of disguise. It was simple, but ineffective.
For the highly respectable mutton. Chop whiskers, the weak mouth,
and cutaway chin were as noticeable as ever. His most
(04:27):
casual acquaintance would have recognized him, and would merely have
concluded that he was engaged in something disreputable. That's the monument.
He dismissed his cab and made his way to the
Blue Lion Inn. It was a fifth rate house in
(04:47):
a fourth rate strait. Mister Toft had never been in
such an unpleasant place in his life. And he groaned
as he thought that the exigencies of commerce had driven
him there in his old age, without even the excuse
of foreign competition. It was nine forty five when he
(05:11):
entered the inn, and he hoped that the quarter are
he was late would impress Jade Driver with the conviction
that he Toft was not at all particular about keeping
the appointment. Apparently it did strike mister Driver in this way,
for as the be muffled and bespectacled gentleman in the
(05:35):
soft hat entered the tap room, a sarcastic voice loudly
expressed the hope that he hadn't permanently injured his constitution
by running. Mister Toft was grieved at the publicity given
to this remark. He sat down by the speaker and
(05:56):
murmured excuses. But mister Driver, if it were he would
have none of them. When I says nine thirty, I
mean nine thirty, and not nine fifty, nor nine sixty,
nor yet nine seventy. If my time won't suit you,
(06:20):
yours won't suit me, I'm off, he said. Mister Toft
was alarmed. Sit down, please, he said, clutching the rising figure.
I'm sure, I'm very sorry. I had made an engagement
before your letter came, and I couldn't very well put
(06:44):
it off. What will you have to drink? He added adroitly.
Gin and bitters was the prompt response, and mister Driver
sat down. Mister Toft now had leisure to take stock
of his surroundings. Jay Driver was a dark haired man
(07:05):
with a bold, clean shaven chin. His voice was deep
and emphatic, and his eye was piercing. He was broad
and muscular, and would probably be a good boxer, thought
mister Toft. He glanced at the drinkers at the other tables,
(07:26):
but finding their eyes were fixed stolidly on him, he
looked elsewhere. He had noticed eyes and noses. That was
all n't to business, said mister Driver. You know my
name and I know yours. That's where we're equal. You're
(07:51):
in a beastly owl and I aren't. That's where the
difference comes in. I don't understand, said mister Toft. In fact,
I haven't the faintest idea what you are alluding to? Guan,
said Jade Driver, with a dig in the ribs that
(08:13):
made him jump. Gone, you old dodger. What about government contracts?
What about them? Asked mister Toft, shrinking from his familiarity.
What about em echoed the other. What about work you
never did for which you got false receipts? What about
(08:38):
contracts executed with inferior stuff? What about commissions to officials,
tips to men and plunder or ran mister Toft paled
at this catalog of his business achievements. You are misinformed,
(08:59):
he said, My firm does not do such things. J
Driver thrust his tongue into his cheek. Then how did
you get your contracts, Septimus, he asked, By honest competition
in the open market, replied mister Toft, loftily. Mister Driver
(09:24):
laughed arisively. Lord, he said, at last, I wish I
had your artless style. Stick to it, mister in the
prisoner's dock, it may pull you through. I presume you
haven't asked me here simply for the purpose of insulting me,
(09:46):
said mister Toft, with some dignity. What a man you are,
mister Driver replied with unstinted admiration. You must be a
fort reader, Septimus, a bloom and thought reader. Yeah, quite right,
(10:06):
I haven't. I've come for the loan of a key
and one of your visit and cards. A key, said
mister Toft, relieved, though much surprised, the key of the
plate chest of the foul Munger's company. Mister Toft raised
(10:30):
his eyebrows. You're joking, he said, Do I look like
a joker? Replied his companion fiercely. Do I look like
a joker? He repeated, loudly, banging his fist on the
table so that all turn their eyes in the direction
(10:51):
of the noise. Mister Toft implored him to restrain his feelings.
Don't rouse him, then said the man. Have you got
the key on you? Er? Yes, responded mister Toft. Then
and over, my dear sir, began the unhappy Septimus, I'm
(11:17):
not your dear anything, said the other. So don't you
pretend that I am. I'm as meek and pleasant as
a cow to those that treat me fair and square,
But when I'm irritated, I'm a roaring bull and mid
(11:37):
the key. I can't. You can't, right, oh, said mister driver,
rising at present the admiralty only suspect tomorrow they'll know,
and you'll know too, Septimus toffed. When you get five
(11:58):
years without the option of a fine, please please don't
speak so loudly, begged mister Toft, beside himself with fears
and anxieties. Then to put on time whilst he collected
his scattering thoughts. What do you want to do with
(12:19):
the key? Wear it with me medals, of course, said
the man sarcastically. If you want further particulars, you won't
get them. But I promised to return the key within
forty eight hours and all you'll plate will be there.
(12:41):
It's a very extraordinary idea, said mister Toft, incredulously. It is,
and I am a very extraordinary man, and you're a
bloom and ordinary one. Will you let me have the
key and a visit and card or not? If anyone
(13:05):
asks how you got them, what will you say? Say
I took them from you while you were asleep in
an opium den or when we met in a tunnel,
any blessed thing you like? Mister Toff scarcely heard him.
He was thinking over the pros and cons of the
(13:26):
situation as rapidly as his nervous system would allow. He
was treasurer of the Fellmonger's company, and he alone had
the key of the plate safe. In the ordinary course,
of events. He would be elected Prime Warden next year.
But if there were any trouble about the plate, he
(13:50):
might not be better that though than a public exposure
of his business methods. The key might had been stolen
from him. Everyone lost keys now and then. Of course,
no one could think that the theft was to his
advantage and it would save him from all the bother
(14:13):
at the Admiralty. But would it if I'd let you
have the key? He asked? How do I know that
you won't come in a similar way again? Give it up,
said mister Driver. Never was good at riddles, and I
(14:34):
didn't come here to be asked, am neither what the
blazers do? I care about what you'll know or what
you won't know. I know what I know, and that's
enough to account for your hair being so thin on top.
If you don't and me that key without any more rotten,
(14:57):
I'll just drop this in the first pillar box I
come across. He pulled out a fat blue envelope and
flourished it in front of mister Toff's blinking eyes. It
was addressed to the Financial Secretary of the Admiralty and
was marked on one side important and on the other
(15:20):
private and urgent. There was an immense seal with the
impression of a five shilling piece. Your death knell's inside,
said mister Driver. Ear it rattle, and he shook the
envelope in mister Toff's ear. But it wants a stamp,
(15:42):
or the government might not take it in on such trifles.
Do our destinies depend? Septimus? Have you got a stamp?
He put an anticipatory penny on the table. Mister Toft
hesitated no longer. From one end of his watchchain, he
(16:06):
detached a gold key, which he handed covertly to Driver. Naw,
you're visiting card. Mister Toft produced one and handed it over.
You'll give me that letter now, he pleaded. Jade. Driver
(16:27):
shook his head, tore up the packet and put it
into the fire. They are there, he said, oracularly. Naw,
Topma boy, don't worry. You'll have that key back by Friday,
and all your spoons will be in the box. If
(16:50):
you don't interfere, you'll never hear of me again, and
the Admiralty won't either. But if you take one step
behind my back, I'll do all I've threatened and a
lot more, and you'll be built in Portland Breakwater on
(17:12):
Christmas Day, Bye by Septimus. With this, mister Driver rose
and stalked out of the room. After a modest interval,
mister Toft followed. At nine am on the following morning,
(17:32):
the bell of the Filmonger's company peeled vigorously. The porter
hurried to answer it and found a lady on the doorstep.
She was neatly dressed and was strikingly handsome. She might
be twenty five years old. A boy carrying a portfolio
(17:54):
and a strapped up easel stood behind. Is this the
Almonger's Hall, she asked? Here it is, miss. I want
to know if you will be good enough to allow
me to copy a painting you have on your walls.
I do not know if it is necessary to have
(18:16):
any written permission or where to apply for it. They
all is open to the public under my supervision, said
the porter pompously. Come inside. Please, thank you, replied the lady.
(18:37):
Put those things down, Johnny. That's right, I'll let you
know when to come for them. Good morning. We don't
often nev hartis here, miss, remarked the porter. And I
sometimes thinks as pictures is wasted on gentlemen dinin with
city companies. They ain't run, and particular strong on heart.
(19:02):
Just then, which one is it you want? I don't
know the title, replied the artist, but I shall know
the picture when I see it. It's a portrait, perhaps
Nicholas Tiffany, the porter suggested, the first warden of the company,
(19:24):
painted by Oldbne born fourteen fifty five, lived to the
right age of ninety four, and died regretted by his
sovereign and his country. His estates were seized by his creditors.
Harry is miss. The man opened the door of the
(19:48):
livery room, the walls of which were hung with many pictures.
This is Tiffany, he said, pointing to a disreputable looking portrait.
The lady looked at it. Doubtfully. The painting I want
is the one nearest to the door of the plate room,
(20:11):
she said. Then it's a good bit away from it. Miss.
The plate room is off the banquet and all, and
they are all windows on that side. The pictures are opposite.
Dear me, said the lady, how very stupidly I have
(20:32):
been informed. Please show me the room. The porter led
the way and threw open the door with pardonable pride,
the banquet, and all are the honorable company of folmongers,
he exclaimed. It was the famous hall in which heads
(20:55):
of city companies and ruling sovereigns are intermittently entertained. Down
one wall were ranged portraits of eminent filmongers. The other
three were pierced by doors and windows. Which is the
plate room, asked the lady. This is the door of
(21:19):
the plate room, the porter replied, anyone entering without authority
day all night sets in action two peals of electric
bells and automatically discharges a revolver shot through the skylight.
(21:39):
How very interesting, the lady remarked, Now I must find
my picture. She looked around the room and finally selected one.
Jeremiah Crumpet, said the porter, a haberdasher by birth, but
eventually due warden of our company, painted by Marillo. Never
(22:06):
getting beyond Pooks himself, he founded the company schools at
ashby de Lazooch. I'm sure that's the man, said the artist.
I'll bring my things in if i may. Is there
a missus Jekyl? Thank you? I should like to see
(22:28):
her about some water for my paints. I'll tell you
what Maria said mister Jackyll some hours later. If she's
a hartist, I ought to be president of the Royal Academy.
I never saw such drawing in my life. She can't
(22:50):
get his face square, no how he's smiling in the picture.
But she's made him lock Jordan moonstruck, she says. If
she can't get him right, she'll turn him into a shipwreck.
She must be what the papers call and impressionist. She
(23:14):
spoke twice about the plate room, so I've wheeled my
chair into the oar to keep my eye on her.
I'll go back now and see what she's up to.
Mister Jackyll would have wondered less at her drawing if
he could have seen the note the lady had referred
(23:35):
to in his absence. An attempt will be made during
the next three days to steal a cup from the
plate chest at the Fellmonger's Hall for certain reasons. Warning
of this must not come to the authorities from without
apply for permission to copy painting or to sketch interior,
(24:00):
and watch should any other than the company's servant enter
the plate room, suggest doubt as to his credentials, and
do all you can to secure his arrest. Another agent
will watch the premises from five p m. To nine
a m. While mister Jeckyll was on his way to
(24:24):
his chair, there came another peal from the front entrance bell.
A man in a bowler hat and carrying a handbag
was outside. Mister Taft has sent me for the Nelson goblet,
he said. The porter was surprised. Got a note, he asked.
(24:49):
The governor gave me this, said, the man handing a
card and the key. What does he want for? Mister
jack asked, got a big guzzle on at home. Wants
to cut an extra dash in center pieces. Mister Jackal
(25:09):
shook his head gravely, but made no remark. Come along,
he said. Shortly, he led the way across the vestibule
into the banqueting hall, where behind her easel a lady
was evidently busy with her picture. He stopped at a door,
(25:32):
which he unlocked, and both men passed through. Barely had
they done so, when the artist ran from behind her
easel into the outer hall. Missus Jackyll, Missus Jackyll, she
called out. The porter's wife appeared. A man has gone
(25:54):
into the plateroom with your husband. I am sure he
is a thief. Mister Jeckyll to get full authority before
he does what this man wants. Gracious me, cried the
alarmed Missus Jeckyll. A thief. He may be murdering Samuel.
(26:16):
She rushed across to the plate room, and in a
minute a storm of voices proceeded therefrom Finally the three emerged,
too hot and flurried, and the stranger looking cool and determined,
carrying a bag in one hand and a gold cup
(26:36):
in the other. The porter hung on to his arm.
The artist was in front of the door when she
saw the man with the bag and cup. She gave
a little gasp of surprise, and a wave of color
overspread her face. The man seemed equally astonished you, he said,
(27:02):
at last, they're both thieves, whispered Missus Jackal to her husband.
They're acting in collision. I'll shut for the police while
you keep em, and she ran from the room. You
are in danger, said the artist rapidly in French. Put
(27:25):
the cup in your pocket, give me the bag and
knock the porter down. The man obeyed with the promptitude
of a soldier, leaving mister Jackal prostrate on the floor.
They hurried from the hall. At the street door was
Missus Jackal wildly beckoning to a distant policeman. You take
(27:50):
down there, said the artist. Good bye. She ran off
in the opposite direction, still holding the bag, and dive
down a side street. Missus Jackal grew frantically insistent to
the policeman, who now came up. Which one he puffed
(28:14):
the man? No, it's in the bag, both of em,
she cried. At this moment, her husband appeared at the
door with blood streaming from his nose. They've killed, Samuel,
cried his horrified wife, running to him. But the policeman,
(28:37):
though he wore the badge of Saint John of Jerusalem
on his arm, dashed down the street after the lady.
By the time he returned after a fruitless pursuit, mister
Jackal's nose had stopped bleeding. Did you Heather? Said the porter.
(28:57):
What the blazes did she mean by has given the alarm?
And then aidenn a bet and ye look so innocent
like two the first hearts as I've ever encouraged, and
the last whatever will mister Toft say, Maria, it's as
(29:19):
much as my place is worth after all these years
of faithful service too. But mister Toft was less demonstrative
than might have been expected. The next gathering of the
Burglars Club proved the most important in the history of
(29:40):
the club since its foundation. Every detail of it is
firmly impressed on the memory of each member present. Yet
they never, by any chance refer to that meeting one
and all would like to forget it if they could.
(30:01):
It was held at Marmaduke Percy's rooms, His Grace of Dorchester,
the President of the year being in the chair, the
Secretary read the minutes and concluded, the business of the
evening is the payment of an entrance fee the Nelson
(30:22):
Goblet of the Fellmonger's Company by Martin Legendre Craven, fourth
Baron Horton, a cadet member of the Club. Lord Horton entered,
bowed and admidst general applause. Placed on the table a
richly chased goblet of gold. Lord Horton's entrance fee being paid,
(30:49):
said the President, I now move that he be enrolled
as a full member, carried unanimously, My lord, you are
one of us. Lord Houghton advanced to the table and
looked round with calm deliberation. He was a notable man
(31:13):
the best amateur low comedian of his day, a traveler
who had pressed far into Tibet, a diplomatist. At the
mention of whose name, the Turk shifted uneasily in his
seat and fixed his eyes despondently on the floor. He
(31:34):
had won his v C in China. He had done
many things your gross my lords and gentlemen, he said,
I thank you, in accordance with the usual custom of
your club. I will explain how I have been able
(31:55):
to fulfill my appointed duty. I received an intimation that
the Nelson goblet of the Fellmonger's Company was my entrance fee,
and at once took steps to procure it. The matter
was hardily difficult. A list of the company showed me
(32:18):
that the treasurer and plate keeper was a certain mister Toft.
The directory informed me that he was a steam tug
owner and a contractor to the Admiralty. Inquiry there told
me he was under suspicion of bribery and corruption. I
(32:39):
played on this little weakness of his, and if I
am not mistaken, I frightened him into the paths of
virtue for the rest of his days. In return, he
lent me the key of the plate safe of his company.
In broad daylight, I proceeded for my booty. To my surprise,
(33:04):
I found that I was expected. Someone had placed an
agent on the spot to warn the custodian of the
building of my intention. An alarm was raised, my lords
and gentlemen. At whose instigation was that alarm raised? Lord
(33:29):
Horton paused. Members looked at each other in mystified amazement.
What on earth was he driving? At was he waiting
for a reply? The silence grew painful. Who instigated that
alarm again? The speaker asked? A voice replied, presumably mister Toft.
(33:59):
Presumably mister Toft, Sir Francis Marwood, I thank you for
the suggestion to continue. An alarm was raised by the
agent of someone unknown. This agent was a lady who
did not know that she was betraying an old friend.
(34:21):
A minute later we were face to face. Instantly she
pierced through my disguise, and by her presence of mind
and fertility of resource alone did I escape. Like Sir
Francis Marwood, I thought my betrayer was mister Toft, and
(34:43):
I hastened to interview that gentleman. I found him in
a state of extreme nervous prostration, but I left him
convinced that it was not he who had betrayed me.
So your suggest question, Sir Francis Marwood, is wrong. Can
(35:05):
you give me another clue? Sir Francis did not reply.
He looked uncomfortable at the attention bestowed upon his remark.
My next step was to trace the lady who had
helped me. That also was not difficult. I did not
(35:27):
know she was in England, but being here I concluded
that the Foreign Office would have her address. I was
not mistaken. I found my friend and learnt that she
had her instructions to raise an alarm from mark the name. Well, gentlemen,
(35:51):
from Sir Francis Marwood, a member of this club had
a live shall fallen into their midst, it would probably
have caused less consternation than did this announcement. There was
an involuntary exclamation from everyone. For a moment all eyes
(36:17):
were fixed on Sir Francis. Then each man drew himself
up and stared blankly into space. The fame of your
club had reached me, and the novelty of its membership
appealed to me. Again, Lord Horton was speaking. I felt
(36:38):
that its risks would give a pleasing zest to civilian life.
But I did not know that members were allowed to
pay your fold scores on each other through its medium.
Last year, I considered it my duty to advise against
Sir Francis Marwood's appointment to Lisbon. This was his revenge.
(37:05):
I was prepared to run any and all risks from without,
but did not anticipate betrayal from within. Gentlemen, you have
done me the honor to elect me as a member
of your club. I have paid my subscription. Now I
(37:27):
beg to tender my resignation. No. No, responded on all sides.
Then cries of Marwood. Marwood order called the Duke, Sir
Francis Marwood. We are waiting, Sir Francis Rose. He was
(37:52):
a man of some distinction in the diplomatic world. Gentlemen,
he said, making a desperate attempt to speak his words lightly.
I really did not anticipate the matter would be taken
up in this serious way. I do not dispute the
(38:13):
accuracy of Lord Horton's statement, though I absolutely deny the
motive he has ascribed to me. The reason of my
action was simple. This club was formed by us not
merely for passing time, but for keeping up our wits
(38:34):
in degenerate days. To such a man as Lord Horton,
I felt that the purloining of the Felmunger's goblet must
fall flat. Indeed, I have read the marvelous account of
his adventures in Tibet, and I felt that some further
spice of danger in this particular affair was necessary to
(38:59):
make it worthy of Lord Horton's reputation. I took the
liberty of supplying it, though perhaps in so doing I
exceeded my rights. If so, I tender my regrets. Sir
Francis resumed his seat amidst loudly expressed disapprobation. The President rose, gentlemen,
(39:27):
He said, you have heard Lord Horton's charge, and Sir
Francis Marwood's reply. Our club can exist only as long
as there is absolute good faith between its members, and
I never dreamt of anything less than this being possible.
(39:50):
Two duties are obviously mine. The first, Sir Francis Marwood,
is to inform you that you are no longer a
member of the club. The second is to express our
sincere regrets to Lord Horton and our earnest hope that
(40:13):
he will reconsider his resignation. Sir Francis rose pale and defiant,
So be it, Duke, someday you may regret this, Horton.
You and I have a big score to wipe out. Now, then,
(40:33):
with an ugly sneer, it is hardly necessary to say
that the Foreign Office will no longer require the services
of a lady who cannot be depended upon. But Lord
Horton's interest will no doubt find her another situation. Stop,
(40:56):
thundered Horton. A lady has been mentioned, and two years
ago this same lady saved my life in Russia. I
asked her to marry me, and she refused because, absurdly enough,
she thought it would spoil my career. We did not
(41:18):
meet again till yesterday. Marwood, Instead of an injury, you
did me the greatest service in the world. A week
ago I was offered the post of British Agent at Carbull.
It was a post after my own heart, but single
(41:38):
handed I should have failed in it. With this lady
as my wife, anything would be possible. Yesterday I begged
her to reconsider her decision and to help me in
my career. I am proud to say she consented. We
(41:59):
are to be married at once. Because bachelors alone are
eligible as members of your club, I am forced to
confirm my resignation. Gentlemen and Sir Francis Marwood. Good evening.
(42:19):
Thus did Lord Houghton leave the Burglars Club for married life,
happiness and his brilliant after career. End of Chapter four
Chapter four of The Burglars Club, a romance in twelve chronicles.
This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please
visit LibriVox dot org. The Burglars Club by Henry Augustus
(00:26):
Herring the Felmunger's Goblet, Mister Septimus Toft, Sir, the letter ran.
The texts are on the scent. If you want any
further information, meet me at the Blue Lion Monument at
nine thirty to morrow evening without fail, yours et cetera.
(00:53):
J Driver. Mister Toft stared at the letter with much
discover us and more alarm. It was certainly a regrettable
communication for a commercial magnate, a magistrate, and a pillar
of society to be obliged to attend to. It would
(01:16):
have troubled him had it come before Belka had absconded,
but now it was much worse. Balker would have shared
the anxiety and interviewed J Driver. He could have guessed
on what particular sent the detectives were engaged, and his
(01:38):
fertile ingenuity would have suggested an obvious way of circumventing them.
Whereas mister Toft's unaided vision saw none. Nine thirty tomorrow evening,
mister Toft smiled feebly at the humor of the situation.
(02:00):
Tomorrow evening, at at o'clock, he was advertised to take
the chair at a young men's mutual improvement meeting, and
the gentleman who was to deliver the evening's lecture occupied
the post of His Majesty's Solicitor General. He would probably
have to prosecute me on behalf of the crown, thought Toft,
(02:25):
so he determined to propitiate him by special attention to
his discourse and by frequent applause. On the following evening,
mister Toft made his way to the Blue Lion. The
lecture had not been a success, as far as he
was concerned. Try as he might, he could not concentrate
(02:49):
his thoughts on the subject. He had applauded at wrong
places once, a titter from the audience had resulted, and
the Solicitor General had turned on him a look of
pained surprise. In the agony of the moment, he had
pulled the tablecloth, and the glass of water thereon had upset,
(03:15):
incidentally splashing the lecturer. The titter developed into a laugh
through which a legal glare had petrified him. At nine
o'clock the lecture was over. The Solicitor General listened in
silence to mister Toft's apologies, and then bowed coldly. Mister
(03:40):
Toft felt that he was lost, indeed if it came
to the law courts, and hurried away to his appointment
in a state of feverish anxiety. He had come to
the lecture in a soft, wide awake hat and the
oldest top coat in his wardrobe. He now donned a
(04:02):
woolen muffler and put on a pair of smoked glass spectacles.
This was his idea of disguise. It was simple, but ineffective.
For the highly respectable mutton. Chop whiskers, the weak mouth,
and cutaway chin were as noticeable as ever. His most
(04:27):
casual acquaintance would have recognized him, and would merely have
concluded that he was engaged in something disreputable. That's the monument.
He dismissed his cab and made his way to the
Blue Lion Inn. It was a fifth rate house in
(04:47):
a fourth rate strait. Mister Toft had never been in
such an unpleasant place in his life. And he groaned
as he thought that the exigencies of commerce had driven
him there in his old age, without even the excuse
of foreign competition. It was nine forty five when he
(05:11):
entered the inn, and he hoped that the quarter are
he was late would impress Jade Driver with the conviction
that he Toft was not at all particular about keeping
the appointment. Apparently it did strike mister Driver in this way,
for as the be muffled and bespectacled gentleman in the
(05:35):
soft hat entered the tap room, a sarcastic voice loudly
expressed the hope that he hadn't permanently injured his constitution
by running. Mister Toft was grieved at the publicity given
to this remark. He sat down by the speaker and
(05:56):
murmured excuses. But mister Driver, if it were he would
have none of them. When I says nine thirty, I
mean nine thirty, and not nine fifty, nor nine sixty,
nor yet nine seventy. If my time won't suit you,
(06:20):
yours won't suit me, I'm off, he said. Mister Toft
was alarmed. Sit down, please, he said, clutching the rising figure.
I'm sure, I'm very sorry. I had made an engagement
before your letter came, and I couldn't very well put
(06:44):
it off. What will you have to drink? He added adroitly.
Gin and bitters was the prompt response, and mister Driver
sat down. Mister Toft now had leisure to take stock
of his surroundings. Jay Driver was a dark haired man
(07:05):
with a bold, clean shaven chin. His voice was deep
and emphatic, and his eye was piercing. He was broad
and muscular, and would probably be a good boxer, thought
mister Toft. He glanced at the drinkers at the other tables,
(07:26):
but finding their eyes were fixed stolidly on him, he
looked elsewhere. He had noticed eyes and noses. That was
all n't to business, said mister Driver. You know my
name and I know yours. That's where we're equal. You're
(07:51):
in a beastly owl and I aren't. That's where the
difference comes in. I don't understand, said mister Toft. In fact,
I haven't the faintest idea what you are alluding to? Guan,
said Jade Driver, with a dig in the ribs that
(08:13):
made him jump. Gone, you old dodger. What about government contracts?
What about them? Asked mister Toft, shrinking from his familiarity.
What about em echoed the other. What about work you
never did for which you got false receipts? What about
(08:38):
contracts executed with inferior stuff? What about commissions to officials,
tips to men and plunder or ran mister Toft paled
at this catalog of his business achievements. You are misinformed,
(08:59):
he said, My firm does not do such things. J
Driver thrust his tongue into his cheek. Then how did
you get your contracts, Septimus, he asked, By honest competition
in the open market, replied mister Toft, loftily. Mister Driver
(09:24):
laughed arisively. Lord, he said, at last, I wish I
had your artless style. Stick to it, mister in the
prisoner's dock, it may pull you through. I presume you
haven't asked me here simply for the purpose of insulting me,
(09:46):
said mister Toft, with some dignity. What a man you are,
mister Driver replied with unstinted admiration. You must be a
fort reader, Septimus, a bloom and thought reader. Yeah, quite right,
(10:06):
I haven't. I've come for the loan of a key
and one of your visit and cards. A key, said
mister Toft, relieved, though much surprised, the key of the
plate chest of the foul Munger's company. Mister Toft raised
(10:30):
his eyebrows. You're joking, he said, Do I look like
a joker? Replied his companion fiercely. Do I look like
a joker? He repeated, loudly, banging his fist on the
table so that all turn their eyes in the direction
(10:51):
of the noise. Mister Toft implored him to restrain his feelings.
Don't rouse him, then said the man. Have you got
the key on you? Er? Yes, responded mister Toft. Then
and over, my dear sir, began the unhappy Septimus, I'm
(11:17):
not your dear anything, said the other. So don't you
pretend that I am. I'm as meek and pleasant as
a cow to those that treat me fair and square,
But when I'm irritated, I'm a roaring bull and mid
(11:37):
the key. I can't. You can't, right, oh, said mister driver,
rising at present the admiralty only suspect tomorrow they'll know,
and you'll know too, Septimus toffed. When you get five
(11:58):
years without the option of a fine, please please don't
speak so loudly, begged mister Toft, beside himself with fears
and anxieties. Then to put on time whilst he collected
his scattering thoughts. What do you want to do with
(12:19):
the key? Wear it with me medals, of course, said
the man sarcastically. If you want further particulars, you won't
get them. But I promised to return the key within
forty eight hours and all you'll plate will be there.
(12:41):
It's a very extraordinary idea, said mister Toft, incredulously. It is,
and I am a very extraordinary man, and you're a
bloom and ordinary one. Will you let me have the
key and a visit and card or not? If anyone
(13:05):
asks how you got them, what will you say? Say
I took them from you while you were asleep in
an opium den or when we met in a tunnel,
any blessed thing you like? Mister Toff scarcely heard him.
He was thinking over the pros and cons of the
(13:26):
situation as rapidly as his nervous system would allow. He
was treasurer of the Fellmonger's company, and he alone had
the key of the plate safe. In the ordinary course,
of events. He would be elected Prime Warden next year.
But if there were any trouble about the plate, he
(13:50):
might not be better that though than a public exposure
of his business methods. The key might had been stolen
from him. Everyone lost keys now and then. Of course,
no one could think that the theft was to his
advantage and it would save him from all the bother
(14:13):
at the Admiralty. But would it if I'd let you
have the key? He asked? How do I know that
you won't come in a similar way again? Give it up,
said mister Driver. Never was good at riddles, and I
(14:34):
didn't come here to be asked, am neither what the
blazers do? I care about what you'll know or what
you won't know. I know what I know, and that's
enough to account for your hair being so thin on top.
If you don't and me that key without any more rotten,
(14:57):
I'll just drop this in the first pillar box I
come across. He pulled out a fat blue envelope and
flourished it in front of mister Toff's blinking eyes. It
was addressed to the Financial Secretary of the Admiralty and
was marked on one side important and on the other
(15:20):
private and urgent. There was an immense seal with the
impression of a five shilling piece. Your death knell's inside,
said mister Driver. Ear it rattle, and he shook the
envelope in mister Toff's ear. But it wants a stamp,
(15:42):
or the government might not take it in on such trifles.
Do our destinies depend? Septimus? Have you got a stamp?
He put an anticipatory penny on the table. Mister Toft
hesitated no longer. From one end of his watchchain, he
(16:06):
detached a gold key, which he handed covertly to Driver. Naw,
you're visiting card. Mister Toft produced one and handed it over.
You'll give me that letter now, he pleaded. Jade. Driver
(16:27):
shook his head, tore up the packet and put it
into the fire. They are there, he said, oracularly. Naw,
Topma boy, don't worry. You'll have that key back by Friday,
and all your spoons will be in the box. If
(16:50):
you don't interfere, you'll never hear of me again, and
the Admiralty won't either. But if you take one step
behind my back, I'll do all I've threatened and a
lot more, and you'll be built in Portland Breakwater on
(17:12):
Christmas Day, Bye by Septimus. With this, mister Driver rose
and stalked out of the room. After a modest interval,
mister Toft followed. At nine am on the following morning,
(17:32):
the bell of the Filmonger's company peeled vigorously. The porter
hurried to answer it and found a lady on the doorstep.
She was neatly dressed and was strikingly handsome. She might
be twenty five years old. A boy carrying a portfolio
(17:54):
and a strapped up easel stood behind. Is this the
Almonger's Hall, she asked? Here it is, miss. I want
to know if you will be good enough to allow
me to copy a painting you have on your walls.
I do not know if it is necessary to have
(18:16):
any written permission or where to apply for it. They
all is open to the public under my supervision, said
the porter pompously. Come inside. Please, thank you, replied the lady.
(18:37):
Put those things down, Johnny. That's right, I'll let you
know when to come for them. Good morning. We don't
often nev hartis here, miss, remarked the porter. And I
sometimes thinks as pictures is wasted on gentlemen dinin with
city companies. They ain't run, and particular strong on heart.
(19:02):
Just then, which one is it you want? I don't
know the title, replied the artist, but I shall know
the picture when I see it. It's a portrait, perhaps
Nicholas Tiffany, the porter suggested, the first warden of the company,
(19:24):
painted by Oldbne born fourteen fifty five, lived to the
right age of ninety four, and died regretted by his
sovereign and his country. His estates were seized by his creditors.
Harry is miss. The man opened the door of the
(19:48):
livery room, the walls of which were hung with many pictures.
This is Tiffany, he said, pointing to a disreputable looking portrait.
The lady looked at it. Doubtfully. The painting I want
is the one nearest to the door of the plate room,
(20:11):
she said. Then it's a good bit away from it. Miss.
The plate room is off the banquet and all, and
they are all windows on that side. The pictures are opposite.
Dear me, said the lady, how very stupidly I have
(20:32):
been informed. Please show me the room. The porter led
the way and threw open the door with pardonable pride,
the banquet, and all are the honorable company of folmongers,
he exclaimed. It was the famous hall in which heads
(20:55):
of city companies and ruling sovereigns are intermittently entertained. Down
one wall were ranged portraits of eminent filmongers. The other
three were pierced by doors and windows. Which is the
plate room, asked the lady. This is the door of
(21:19):
the plate room, the porter replied, anyone entering without authority
day all night sets in action two peals of electric
bells and automatically discharges a revolver shot through the skylight.
(21:39):
How very interesting, the lady remarked, Now I must find
my picture. She looked around the room and finally selected one.
Jeremiah Crumpet, said the porter, a haberdasher by birth, but
eventually due warden of our company, painted by Marillo. Never
(22:06):
getting beyond Pooks himself, he founded the company schools at
ashby de Lazooch. I'm sure that's the man, said the artist.
I'll bring my things in if i may. Is there
a missus Jekyl? Thank you? I should like to see
(22:28):
her about some water for my paints. I'll tell you
what Maria said mister Jackyll some hours later. If she's
a hartist, I ought to be president of the Royal Academy.
I never saw such drawing in my life. She can't
(22:50):
get his face square, no how he's smiling in the picture.
But she's made him lock Jordan moonstruck, she says. If
she can't get him right, she'll turn him into a shipwreck.
She must be what the papers call and impressionist. She
(23:14):
spoke twice about the plate room, so I've wheeled my
chair into the oar to keep my eye on her.
I'll go back now and see what she's up to.
Mister Jackyll would have wondered less at her drawing if
he could have seen the note the lady had referred
(23:35):
to in his absence. An attempt will be made during
the next three days to steal a cup from the
plate chest at the Fellmonger's Hall for certain reasons. Warning
of this must not come to the authorities from without
apply for permission to copy painting or to sketch interior,
(24:00):
and watch should any other than the company's servant enter
the plate room, suggest doubt as to his credentials, and
do all you can to secure his arrest. Another agent
will watch the premises from five p m. To nine
a m. While mister Jeckyll was on his way to
(24:24):
his chair, there came another peal from the front entrance bell.
A man in a bowler hat and carrying a handbag
was outside. Mister Taft has sent me for the Nelson goblet,
he said. The porter was surprised. Got a note, he asked.
(24:49):
The governor gave me this, said, the man handing a
card and the key. What does he want for? Mister
jack asked, got a big guzzle on at home. Wants
to cut an extra dash in center pieces. Mister Jackal
(25:09):
shook his head gravely, but made no remark. Come along,
he said. Shortly, he led the way across the vestibule
into the banqueting hall, where behind her easel a lady
was evidently busy with her picture. He stopped at a door,
(25:32):
which he unlocked, and both men passed through. Barely had
they done so, when the artist ran from behind her
easel into the outer hall. Missus Jackyll, Missus Jackyll, she
called out. The porter's wife appeared. A man has gone
(25:54):
into the plateroom with your husband. I am sure he
is a thief. Mister Jeckyll to get full authority before
he does what this man wants. Gracious me, cried the
alarmed Missus Jeckyll. A thief. He may be murdering Samuel.
(26:16):
She rushed across to the plate room, and in a
minute a storm of voices proceeded therefrom Finally the three emerged,
too hot and flurried, and the stranger looking cool and determined,
carrying a bag in one hand and a gold cup
(26:36):
in the other. The porter hung on to his arm.
The artist was in front of the door when she
saw the man with the bag and cup. She gave
a little gasp of surprise, and a wave of color
overspread her face. The man seemed equally astonished you, he said,
(27:02):
at last, they're both thieves, whispered Missus Jackal to her husband.
They're acting in collision. I'll shut for the police while
you keep em, and she ran from the room. You
are in danger, said the artist rapidly in French. Put
(27:25):
the cup in your pocket, give me the bag and
knock the porter down. The man obeyed with the promptitude
of a soldier, leaving mister Jackal prostrate on the floor.
They hurried from the hall. At the street door was
Missus Jackal wildly beckoning to a distant policeman. You take
(27:50):
down there, said the artist. Good bye. She ran off
in the opposite direction, still holding the bag, and dive
down a side street. Missus Jackal grew frantically insistent to
the policeman, who now came up. Which one he puffed
(28:14):
the man? No, it's in the bag, both of em,
she cried. At this moment, her husband appeared at the
door with blood streaming from his nose. They've killed, Samuel,
cried his horrified wife, running to him. But the policeman,
(28:37):
though he wore the badge of Saint John of Jerusalem
on his arm, dashed down the street after the lady.
By the time he returned after a fruitless pursuit, mister
Jackal's nose had stopped bleeding. Did you Heather? Said the porter.
(28:57):
What the blazes did she mean by has given the alarm?
And then aidenn a bet and ye look so innocent
like two the first hearts as I've ever encouraged, and
the last whatever will mister Toft say, Maria, it's as
(29:19):
much as my place is worth after all these years
of faithful service too. But mister Toft was less demonstrative
than might have been expected. The next gathering of the
Burglars Club proved the most important in the history of
(29:40):
the club since its foundation. Every detail of it is
firmly impressed on the memory of each member present. Yet
they never, by any chance refer to that meeting one
and all would like to forget it if they could.
(30:01):
It was held at Marmaduke Percy's rooms, His Grace of Dorchester,
the President of the year being in the chair, the
Secretary read the minutes and concluded, the business of the
evening is the payment of an entrance fee the Nelson
(30:22):
Goblet of the Fellmonger's Company by Martin Legendre Craven, fourth
Baron Horton, a cadet member of the Club. Lord Horton entered,
bowed and admidst general applause. Placed on the table a
richly chased goblet of gold. Lord Horton's entrance fee being paid,
(30:49):
said the President, I now move that he be enrolled
as a full member, carried unanimously, My lord, you are
one of us. Lord Houghton advanced to the table and
looked round with calm deliberation. He was a notable man
(31:13):
the best amateur low comedian of his day, a traveler
who had pressed far into Tibet, a diplomatist. At the
mention of whose name, the Turk shifted uneasily in his
seat and fixed his eyes despondently on the floor. He
(31:34):
had won his v C in China. He had done
many things your gross my lords and gentlemen, he said,
I thank you, in accordance with the usual custom of
your club. I will explain how I have been able
(31:55):
to fulfill my appointed duty. I received an intimation that
the Nelson goblet of the Fellmonger's Company was my entrance fee,
and at once took steps to procure it. The matter
was hardily difficult. A list of the company showed me
(32:18):
that the treasurer and plate keeper was a certain mister Toft.
The directory informed me that he was a steam tug
owner and a contractor to the Admiralty. Inquiry there told
me he was under suspicion of bribery and corruption. I
(32:39):
played on this little weakness of his, and if I
am not mistaken, I frightened him into the paths of
virtue for the rest of his days. In return, he
lent me the key of the plate safe of his company.
In broad daylight, I proceeded for my booty. To my surprise,
(33:04):
I found that I was expected. Someone had placed an
agent on the spot to warn the custodian of the
building of my intention. An alarm was raised, my lords
and gentlemen. At whose instigation was that alarm raised? Lord
(33:29):
Horton paused. Members looked at each other in mystified amazement.
What on earth was he driving? At was he waiting
for a reply? The silence grew painful. Who instigated that
alarm again? The speaker asked? A voice replied, presumably mister Toft.
(33:59):
Presumably mister Toft, Sir Francis Marwood, I thank you for
the suggestion to continue. An alarm was raised by the
agent of someone unknown. This agent was a lady who
did not know that she was betraying an old friend.
(34:21):
A minute later we were face to face. Instantly she
pierced through my disguise, and by her presence of mind
and fertility of resource alone did I escape. Like Sir
Francis Marwood, I thought my betrayer was mister Toft, and
(34:43):
I hastened to interview that gentleman. I found him in
a state of extreme nervous prostration, but I left him
convinced that it was not he who had betrayed me.
So your suggest question, Sir Francis Marwood, is wrong. Can
(35:05):
you give me another clue? Sir Francis did not reply.
He looked uncomfortable at the attention bestowed upon his remark.
My next step was to trace the lady who had
helped me. That also was not difficult. I did not
(35:27):
know she was in England, but being here I concluded
that the Foreign Office would have her address. I was
not mistaken. I found my friend and learnt that she
had her instructions to raise an alarm from mark the name. Well, gentlemen,
(35:51):
from Sir Francis Marwood, a member of this club had
a live shall fallen into their midst, it would probably
have caused less consternation than did this announcement. There was
an involuntary exclamation from everyone. For a moment all eyes
(36:17):
were fixed on Sir Francis. Then each man drew himself
up and stared blankly into space. The fame of your
club had reached me, and the novelty of its membership
appealed to me. Again, Lord Horton was speaking. I felt
(36:38):
that its risks would give a pleasing zest to civilian life.
But I did not know that members were allowed to
pay your fold scores on each other through its medium.
Last year, I considered it my duty to advise against
Sir Francis Marwood's appointment to Lisbon. This was his revenge.
(37:05):
I was prepared to run any and all risks from without,
but did not anticipate betrayal from within. Gentlemen, you have
done me the honor to elect me as a member
of your club. I have paid my subscription. Now I
(37:27):
beg to tender my resignation. No. No, responded on all sides.
Then cries of Marwood. Marwood order called the Duke, Sir
Francis Marwood. We are waiting, Sir Francis Rose. He was
(37:52):
a man of some distinction in the diplomatic world. Gentlemen,
he said, making a desperate attempt to speak his words lightly.
I really did not anticipate the matter would be taken
up in this serious way. I do not dispute the
(38:13):
accuracy of Lord Horton's statement, though I absolutely deny the
motive he has ascribed to me. The reason of my
action was simple. This club was formed by us not
merely for passing time, but for keeping up our wits
(38:34):
in degenerate days. To such a man as Lord Horton,
I felt that the purloining of the Felmunger's goblet must
fall flat. Indeed, I have read the marvelous account of
his adventures in Tibet, and I felt that some further
spice of danger in this particular affair was necessary to
(38:59):
make it worthy of Lord Horton's reputation. I took the
liberty of supplying it, though perhaps in so doing I
exceeded my rights. If so, I tender my regrets. Sir
Francis resumed his seat amidst loudly expressed disapprobation. The President rose, gentlemen,
(39:27):
He said, you have heard Lord Horton's charge, and Sir
Francis Marwood's reply. Our club can exist only as long
as there is absolute good faith between its members, and
I never dreamt of anything less than this being possible.
(39:50):
Two duties are obviously mine. The first, Sir Francis Marwood,
is to inform you that you are no longer a
member of the club. The second is to express our
sincere regrets to Lord Horton and our earnest hope that
(40:13):
he will reconsider his resignation. Sir Francis rose pale and defiant,
So be it, Duke, someday you may regret this, Horton.
You and I have a big score to wipe out. Now, then,
(40:33):
with an ugly sneer, it is hardly necessary to say
that the Foreign Office will no longer require the services
of a lady who cannot be depended upon. But Lord
Horton's interest will no doubt find her another situation. Stop,
(40:56):
thundered Horton. A lady has been mentioned, and two years
ago this same lady saved my life in Russia. I
asked her to marry me, and she refused because, absurdly enough,
she thought it would spoil my career. We did not
(41:18):
meet again till yesterday. Marwood, Instead of an injury, you
did me the greatest service in the world. A week
ago I was offered the post of British Agent at Carbull.
It was a post after my own heart, but single
(41:38):
handed I should have failed in it. With this lady
as my wife, anything would be possible. Yesterday I begged
her to reconsider her decision and to help me in
my career. I am proud to say she consented. We
(41:59):
are to be married at once. Because bachelors alone are
eligible as members of your club, I am forced to
confirm my resignation. Gentlemen and Sir Francis Marwood. Good evening.
(42:19):
Thus did Lord Houghton leave the Burglars Club for married life,
happiness and his brilliant after career. End of Chapter four
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!