Princess Fix My Life 8.23.25

This week, Princess is giving advice she is mostly not qualified to give.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Hey, guys, Princess here and welcome to their episode of
The Pumpkin. I'm gonna say bonus edition, but okay, it
isn't the bonus episode for the week. When I say
bonus edition, I'm talking Patreon or the Apple Bonus subscriptions
or whatever. But it is a bonus because we have
not started season nineteen a five Pumpkin. So, m do

(00:31):
I want to redo that? No? Not really, not really,
not really, guys, Today we are going to do a
Princess Fix My Life episode. And for those who have
not been here the entire time I've been doing this podcast,
which is apparently six years as well, I used to

(00:52):
love Ayama Fixed My Life, all right. I used to
love that fucking show. By the way, Nadia was like,
did you know Ayama Vincente used to be Laura? Of
course I do, of course I do. I know all
the young Ayama Ayama. I can never see her name, right, Ayamma, ayamla.
Well her name is Rhonda, but okay Ayama, Lord, I
know it all. I know it all. And one of

(01:13):
my favorite stories is how she'd gone down to the
county to get an abortion one year, just right before
she was married. She got an abortion. I forgetting why
she's get an abortion. I mean, I know why she
get an abortion. She don't want to have a baby,
but I forget the circumstances all around it. But she's
going to get an abortion, and she feels like shamed

(01:33):
by the lady that works. There's feeling to paperwork and
all this stuff because they like, you know, where the
man at And she's like here and then she's like,
M like, I mean, well there's a reason we down
here doing the ladist of the fetus. Okay, there's a
reason for it. There's a reason for it. Uh. But like, like,

(01:55):
I just believe people who fill out forms and places
like that, who like perceptionists and people I don't think
you have any opinions about anything, you know what I'm saying,
Or you should. It's hard not to have an opinions.
Just keep the shit to yourself. Just just just keep
it to yourself, Okay. Nobody here needs you to looking
down on them. Okay. So that's how I feel. If
you work an abortion clinic, if you work at a rehab,

(02:18):
I feel like that if you work at the front
desk at a fucking prison, just keep your fucking opinions.
See you, some bro like people are going through shit.
Keep your fucking opinions. See yourself. I don't ask what
you do on the weekends. Do I do? I Your
shit's messy too, but we just don't know about it,
all right. So anyway, the next year or maybe two

(02:39):
years later, all Loves getting another abortion, and it's because
she she got married to some guy who's in the
military and kind of disappeared with the mility. Something happened
with him. He had some mental health stuff or whatever.
But that marriage was cracking up and she was pregnant,
so she going to get another abortion. And this time
it's the same lady down there, and then lady like, oh,
you're back, and she's like, yeah, I'm married now though,

(03:01):
like you know, to be like last time was he
was looking at me because I wasn't married, but I'm
married now. And the lady at the thing was like, yeah,
you're still alone. Hey, nobody here. And I was telling
Naudia this and it was like that sounds like something
I yama Wa was, Yeah, that's probably where she got
it from. It's probably where she got it from. Anyway,

(03:24):
I used to love the show. I actually if you
are a member of the Patreon, she'd go back, I did,
I feel like it was on the patreon. I actually
don't remember. But I've done a season where I just
picked some episodes of Ayamla uh fixed my Life And
in count of how many lives she fixed, not many,

(03:45):
not many. She did have a lot of props and
she had a lot of rhymen, rhymes and shit like that.
But I just feel like I do as good or
a better job than Ayama and so I like to
do every now and then a Princess Fixed Life episode.
And where do I get the stuff? Where I get
the questions from? Reddit? Usually Reddit has lots of advice subreddits.

(04:07):
A lot of people in there are just typing. They're
just either typing so somebody will listen to them, or
they or it's pure fucking fiction. They'll be like, am
I the asshole? The am I in the asshole? Is
a lot. That's a lot of fiction over there, But okay,
fine or divorce regret, that's a lot of fiction. That's

(04:27):
a lot of people up in there who wish they
got an MFA and they just write and shit that
none of that shit is fucking true. But I try
to pick out advice stuff and I in the past,
I've I've chosen questions I thought were funny but maybe
don't necessarily need to be answered because I used to

(04:48):
do brown six Brown Chicks. Six Brown Chicks is very messy.
They were actually on my ayana a yan la whatever
they were on that fucking show. I wish. I just
want to call it Ronda because I can pronounce Roanda.
I could do that ayam la ayama. Why isn't that
a yama? It's not a yama. Anyway, we need to

(05:09):
move forward. So I've selected some questions and I'm gonna
give some advice. Do I have what are my qualifications?
Qualifications for this? Nothing? Nothing at all. I have no qualifications.
I'm nosy. I got a lot of opinions. Okay. I
also shouldn't work at the County abortion Clinic, okay, because
I got lots of opinions. Although I think if I
work there, I would be very empathetic because girl, I've

(05:32):
had a messy life too. So anyway, I have no
no one. They didn't ask me specifically, but they asked
the universe. I read it and I'm about to answer it.
So here we go. Uh, I say, here we go,
like I had to shake queued up. All right, here
we go. Now. The first one is a parenting thing.

(05:55):
It says, do you your children expect to go out
on outings every day? I understand some we aren't chasing
the sun being outdoors, bonfires, camping, swimming, all the sorts,
but every single day to your children expect to go somewhere.
We had a bonfire Thursday night, last night we went
to the beach, and today, as I'm doing house with
my child asked to go to the YMCA. If I'm
bad for saying no, but if they could go somewhere
every day, they would, And it's training A think used

(06:17):
to be every once in a while, and now it's
turing the four or five times a week. I feel
as if they don't cherish them as them is just
expect Excuse me one, No, they don't cherish them. The
fucking children. Children are not grateful, and as expecting them
to be grateful, Excuse me. Children can't be grateful. Every
piece of food I place in front of a child

(06:38):
in my home, I get a thank you, your food
is so good, thank you so much, thank you for
thank you for dinner. Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and to the point that my husband gets upset by
it because someone will tell me thank you and blah
blah blah, and then a few minutes later someone else
will be like, this is very good, thank you, thank you,
and I tell him like, these are champagne problems. Too
many thank you champagne problems. Kids can be grateful, they

(07:02):
don't have to be all right, and it's not their
default mode. Okay, it's because they're fucking children. They don't
even know. They don't even know, especially if if this
is the routine, they don't even know that they should
be grateful for they do think it's just the thing.
And that's what that's my advice here. You have set
this up, this is you, This is on you. You
have made it so that we go somewhere three or

(07:24):
four or five times a week. And for some people
that's enjoyable. I'm not one of those people. Okay, I'm
an extreme introvert with a lot of extroverts running around
this fucking house and they just want to be out,
out out and they want to see blah blah blah.
But is incredibly important and you should start this as
a baby and I'm not saying leave your baby on
the street. Let me, let me just finish what I

(07:46):
got to stay here. Okay, all right. You should start
teaching your children how to entertain themselves, how to tolerate boredom,
how to how to make something shake when when they

(08:07):
do not have an adult to ferry them somewhere or
to be their entertainment. My favorite thing to tell my
children is, I am not a toy. I'm not a toy.
I am not a thing you come to play with
when when you feel like you're bored with all your
other toys. Now, it's not to say I'm not gonna
hang out there. I hang out with my kids all
the time. I talk to them all the time. I
listen to them. I sometimes I just lay with them

(08:28):
someplace and just we don't talk at all and we
just watch TV. One of the things, like last time,
mister curtisis with Bunny and I have a plan to
do it tomorrow night. We just lay in her bed
and let her choose things on her TV and just
watch it whatever she chooses. Now, does she like to
rewind and fast? Way? She does? She does? And she

(08:49):
gotta stop that shit, because that's anoy, but I'm not
doing anything. I'm just gonna watch whatever she puts on
the fucking TV. I'm just gonna lay there with her.
I spend all sorts of time, but I am not
a toy. And so if you are bored, I am
not the person to come to because what am I
doing about it? And you have to start this early.

(09:11):
And I'm saying you have to start this as babies.
And I don't mean leave your baby on the street
or leave your baby in its room to cry. I'm
not saying that, but you have got to You are
not on twenty four to seven. And that's part of
what's going on with it. They expect to go somewhere
every day and do something every day and keep it
mine somewhere quote unquote somewhere. It could be a library,

(09:34):
go to the library all the time, or sometimes we
just go out and get milkshakes and come back to
the house. My kids know every single public park within
the fucking twenty mile ladies of our house, because sometimes
we just especially summer, where they weren't going to camp
and they just were like at home and I had
to work from home. I would start off a lot
of mornings by going to a public park and we

(09:57):
would run off a ton of fucking energy. Yeah, you
could go go into the YMCA and go into the
pool and stuff. All these things you can do. But
when you set the expectation and we're gonna go do
something all the time, then they have that expectation and
now you have to reset the expectation. Just talk to

(10:18):
them and be like, hey, guys, we're gonna I just
want to be clear. You know, mom's been thinking about
and actually school's about start. School starts money for my kids.
So school's about the start for yours. Maybe don't need
to do it this year, but next summer. As we're
heading in the summer, you're gonna set the expectation. Mom
has planned some things we will not. I just want

(10:40):
to be clear. We're not gonna be going someplace every day.
I I was thinking of how this was more of
a problem when my kids did not go to camp
this summer. I did various camp stuff with very various
summer programs, with varying degrees of successfulness. My little kids

(11:03):
went to summer camp from the week they got out
of school to the week their last day was Friday,
and they going to school on Monday, and I think
that's really important for them. They swim every day. They
were playing outside non stop. The little boys are ten
like they they are. They were doing so much at

(11:24):
that camp, and I was really appreciative of it. Bunny
went to an older camp. They were middle schoolers and
like rising ninth graders, and it was through the parks
and rec I mean it's eighty five bucks every two weeks,
by the way, and they fed them Burcason lunch if
they wanted it. So I was able to get Bunny

(11:45):
in that, and it was just an older program. She
really enjoyed it. She really enjoyed being away from her
siblings in that way. Cheeks had about eight weeks or five,
I forget it was between six and eight weeks of

(12:05):
a stem camp that took him. He went to at
a college campus and he would spend about eight hours
a day there and they were you know, doing three
D printing, doing little projects. At the end, we came in,
the parents came in and they had like a presentation day.
He was really cute. They were doing lots of computer
stuff and things like that. That one was free. I

(12:26):
found it through the school. I read every fucking email
every fucking flyer back in front that comes to my
fucking house from the school. And this is how I
find lots of free shit that my sister in laws
or other parents that I know. And it would be like,
how did you I read the fucking emails. I read
the emails and they said if you fill out this

(12:47):
Google form that you could do blah blah blah blah,
and that's what I did. He had, So that means
summer's ten weeks, so, so I guess it might have
been six week program. He had six weeks of a
very structured summer. He was gone every day for most
of the day, and then he had another month or

(13:08):
so with very little structure. And I think I did
the best with him because he got the best of
both worlds and Turtle. He had no structure this summer.
He's twenty fifteen, he's going into high school and he's
never had an unstructured summer, and I want to give
him that, and guess what, he don't like it and
need to do I so we will never be doing

(13:29):
that again. But because of those things, it means that
they weren't asking me to go someplace every day. Maybe
Turtle asked me. But me and Turtle did go on
several outings together. We were doing regular library visits. He
was hanging out with me, so he did do stuff.
What I'm saying, though, is like you really got to
set your expectations and for the summer. I'm not saying

(13:52):
if you don't have to put your kids in summer
camp all year long, all summer long, that's great, right.
And I had to do it with my two small
ones because they were going to kill me if they
denied that. There's no way I could have worked with
them here. I mean I could, I could have, and
I would have, but absolutely not, Uh if I don't
have to. So I did it and it's over and
it went out very well. So consider like what maybe

(14:16):
next summer if they're if your kids really do need
to be more active and they need to be going places,
have you considered to take them to the camp. And also,
I forgot let me back up when I said, you
have to start like really teaching them how to self sue.
I don't wanna say self souit because people I say so,
I say self soue. You interpret that is the cryout

(14:39):
method and shit like that. And I don't necessarily believe
in that. I mean, I've never I've had babies in
my care before, but I've never had to do that,
and I don't know that that's something I would be
comfortable doing. But I do believe that they can get
time to themselves. And something that I did teach my
kids from and like it definitely preschool on is that

(15:03):
every day that we're home together, we have quiet hours.
There is it's usually after lunch, and there is a
time when it is quiet time. You can take a
nap if you're small enough, or if you just tired,
you can take a nap. You can watch a movie quietly,

(15:24):
you can play with legos or color or play a
game together. If you can be quiet, it's quiet time,
and quiet time mostly do not talk to mom time.
Give me two hours and I might be in plain view,
but this is not a time to interact with me. Sure,
like obviously I'm still here monitoring, but you guys are

(15:47):
finding something new for yourself and having that there, especially
when they were young. As they grow older, like I
don't necessarily have to do that this much anymore because
the kids now known know what it is after lunch
is kind of like, oh, we're gonna go get gone,
and it is wonderful and it's important that they learn

(16:11):
how to do this. And now I don't have to
say it's quiet time. I can. They just kind of
like we move into it. And sometimes we'll be out together.
Like I said, we go to parks a lot, and
we'll be out doing a lot, or I have to

(16:32):
do a lot of driving, or like on Saturdays, there's
lots of games and stuff. When we come home, they
are you know, it's quiet time. Now, you can read
to yourself if you need to, you can watch TV.
You could you sometimes like now the kids can go
out and play by themselves. Maybe it's time for you
to head outside. But it's quiet time. Now, we're gonna

(16:52):
get some quiet. And so I just think you should
set your expectations by the next summer and decide if
your kids are gonna stay home, and it seems like
they're home during the summer. I would make very specific
plans each week, and I would just set the expectation
that we're not gonna be going out every day, and

(17:16):
at first it's gonna be like a we're kind of
bloor blah blah blah, blah, Yeah, but you're the adult
and you set the expectations. Next one my thirty four,
my husband thirty four. She's a thirty four year old female,
and he's a thirty four year old male. Screamed at
our daughter just for seeing golden. How do I help

(17:37):
him get him to realize it's not okay? I met
my husband twelve years ago and been married for seven.
He's generally a very sweet and kind art person. It's
usually fun to be around. We have a six year
old who's also terrific. Lately, I love when people describe
their kids as fun, terrific, great, because so many people
I'll set myself included, talk about their lives and the negatives,

(17:59):
and I don't know, it's like this stand up comedy
bit that everybody who has kids is doing. It's like
these a little fucking mount crotchy demon. And I've been
guilty of talking about my children this way too, But
like you, you know, I think they're fucking amazing and

(18:21):
maybe I should be talking about them like that anyway. Lately,
her favorite film is K Pop Demi Humter's Whose Isn't Okay?
Watch it every fucking day, singing constantly Golden is one
of my is my favorite song from it, and absolutely
loves and I'll obviously soapop it. Absolutely loves singing the song,
especially your id on Golden. She memorized all the lyrics.
I know her constantly seeming to be a bit annoying,

(18:42):
but I but I used to drive my parents crazy
singing songs from a Lion King, so I didn't mind
too much. Girl, I had the Lion King on a
fucking repeat. My parents used to like be like, please
please get the soundtrack Aladdin. I I had a Laddin cassette,
all right, and a walkman and a bike, and I
be out in the streets, saying, just riding around the

(19:04):
base in a loop, singing fucking Robin Williams, you ain't
never had a friend like me. Teically, I was ooh,
the god took to the streets repairs. But that killed

(19:24):
me yesterday that when she sung gold and he flipped
out and screamed at her and wanted her not to
sing anything from Demon Hunters again. I tried to calm
him down, but he accuses me of lying to myself
and says, I say, we wanted her to stop, And
he's the brave wanted to do something about it. As
result of the screaming, she won't talk to him. How
do I get him to realize it's not okay to
screaming to apologize? Now, the commentator this is like divorce,

(19:45):
And I think that that's a fine if this is
what you if you're like, man, this is the end
of this. I'm tired. Fine, But I do think that
when we talk about things on the internet, we talk
about things in very black and white terms, as if
it is oh is if it's reasonable, Like, obviously he
shouldn't be screaming at her, right, Obviously none of y'all

(20:08):
should be yelling at any anybody in that fucking house, right.
And it seems like he usually doesn't the way you
describe him, but the way people are just like leaving
me's toxic. That's not a reasonable suggestion to make in
this situation where she has a she's been with this

(20:29):
person a long time, they have a child together, she's
generally very happy with him. This happened and she's she's
upset and she wants to know how to make sure
this doesn't happen again. Uh, listen, it was probably annoying,
It was probably annoying. But six year olds are annoying, right,

(20:50):
That's that's part of their personality. And I would have
spoken to her, right, I would have spoken in the
moment and keep so and so what are my qualifications
to talk about this being mister Curtis do not have
the same parenting styles. We have to meet in the
middle quite a bit. And mister Curtis is still healing,

(21:10):
as we all are. But mister Curtis can pop off
sometimes and in this moment, I stop, and I usually
speak to him first, especially for in the moment, and
I'll say something like, you know, you're being really loud,
and like I don't know if you can hear yourself,
but could you do you want to take a few

(21:30):
you want to take a few minutes to get yourself together,
and then we can talk about what's going on. And
this is the same thing I would say to one
of my kids too, right today, monkey monkey, I don't
let people eat upstairs. I don't let people eat in
their rooms as a rule, as a general rule, their exceptions.
But today he was eating lunch. Then he took half
the lunch up the stairs, and I found it in
his room, and I saw him and said take it

(21:52):
back downstairs, please, and he did, and he was so
upset with himself. I had not said anything. I hadn't
said it besides taking it back downstairs. I hadn't yelled
at him. I hadn't admonished him. I hadn't punished him.
I hadn't. I just was like, no, this doesn't belong here,
take it back downstairs. But he was so upset that
he had been like corrected that he was like crying,

(22:16):
like really hard and screaming, and then he was stomping,
and I just he was doing uh. I was sitting
on the couch in my office and which is directly
across from his bedroom, and he gone back to his
bedroom and I just I said, hey, come here for
a second, cause he was just upset. I was like, hey, so,

(22:37):
I see you upset. You're being very loud. You're being
very loud, and I'm willing to talk to you about it. Fine,
I'm willing to talk to you about it. But what
I'm not gonna do is this is not how we
talk to people. And I don't know if you over
there screaming at me or what's going on, but this
is not how we talk to people, and if we
do talk to people, we're in the wrong. Like this,
we're in the wrong. See, the thing is with them,

(23:01):
myself and my husband. I am not perfect, none of
us are, and so I am not going to act
like when someone acts out of character and does something
like scream at somebody or does something like I don't know,
one of the kids pushes each other. The other day,
I was like, my two younger kids had gotten up

(23:21):
pretty early, and we're screaming shut up at each other
outside my bedroom door shop shop shop shop, shop shop
shut up. We just I don't like when people say
shut up, because it's pretty rude to me. I don't
want to pretend like this is not a like if
somebody did this, then they are like abuser number one.
But I do when we were acting outside of where

(23:45):
we should be, I want to point it out right.
I would do the same thing if one of my
kids were screaming at the other one. The other day,
Turtle was saying something and he he actually did tell
one of the other kids to shut up, and I
was about to say something, and I think it was Bear.
Bear was like, actually that was really rude, and Turtle
was like, yeah, I am being rude right now. I'm

(24:07):
upset with you, so it's hard for me not to
be rude right now. So I'm gonna go in my room.
Don't come in here with me, let me be, and
anybody is room and I was like, oh, I don't
have to do anything. I don't do anything. Everybody's name
what's going on. They know it's not okay, and they
decided what to fucking do about it. I actually be
very quiet right now. And that's so I'm saying that, like,

(24:27):
I think it's really important that when somebody in our
family is doing something that that we don't think is okay,
that we name it. Right. Hey, you're yelling right now.
I don't want to talk to you when you're yelling.
You gotta you've gotta get it calm and then we
can talk about it whatever. And I've said that the

(24:47):
mister Curtis too, And this happened if this is mister Curtis,
and he was screaming because I because someone's singing the
song over and over again. And the truth is the truth.
Beber loves SpongeBob, and we have put a SpongeBob moratorium
in this house. Nobody wants to hear that fucking song anymore.

(25:08):
Nobody wants to hear SpongeBob talk. Nobody wants to hear
me of that shit. And I think that if Barber
was singing the SpongeBob theme song over and over and
over and over again, I think it might get to
a point where people were yelling, Okay, hey, I think
we need to calm this down. I talked to my

(25:30):
daughter in this situation. You can't talk to my daughter.
But like, you know, when Dad was screaming, shut up,
you know that was super rude, right that shut up
is a really rude thing to say to somebody in
our house. Right in your house, maybe shut up, it's fine,
But in our house, shut up is like one of
the rudest things you can say to someone. Like screaming
shut up to someone is to me, it's harsher than
like is harsher than fuck off? I don't know, shut

(25:52):
up something about it? But I would have been like, hey,
when Dad said that, you obviously know, like, do you
understand how how this is an example of how we're
not going to be acting. I talk to him, I'm
talking to you, Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. I
don't know why you said that. I don't know why either,
and maybe we can get we can talk to him

(26:13):
about it when he's had some time. But like, this
is not this is not this is not okay, and
I hope that And if you're not okay, you can
talk to me about it, and I can talk with
her about we can workshop what we can do if
we feel like somebody is getting loud with us, or
it's talking to us in a way that that Vix
does not feel good or that makes us scared, because

(26:34):
she might have been scared. Shit, I mean, I don't
I wasn't there, but it's a possibility. And although it's
hit up to him to initiate repair with this child,
I am her mother and I want to be clear.
This is not okay, and I see it, and I'm
sorry that it happened. And here's what I want to

(26:57):
do next time something like this happens with anybody with
a with somebody at your school. If a teacher were
talking to you like that, or or dad or me,
if I if I what if I was off my
rocker and I was yelling? How would you handle it? What?
What do you think is acceptable to say? And do.
This is something I work out with her with him,
and he's like, I was brave enough to talk. I

(27:19):
don't mean to laugh. I'm just like, yeah, maybe we're
tired of hearing it. But I would have said I
if I was tired of I'd be like, yeah, I
am tired of it too, but I'm just not I
don't think I ever want to handle a situation like that.
That's if I'm handling a situation like that, I'm already
in the wrong. And I would have talked to him

(27:39):
and be like, what's going on, Well, you know I
haven't slapped blah blah blah blah. And this is mister
cursh's worked sixteen hours to day because it's some shit
that went on his job. It's new job. And I
can guarantee you that he's short fused. And I if like,
let's say that he's like I just worked a bunch
of hours. You know I haven't slap blah blah blah
blah blah, I'd be like, Okay, if you are in

(28:00):
a position like that, you can ask for what you
need how to you know, you could ask that you
could turn to me and ask is it possible you
can take her somewhere and do something quiet, or hey,
I'm about to go in the bedroom. I can't. I
can't right now. I can't do this right now. That's
okay too. If you're saying that in like in a

(28:24):
calm way, okay, cool, you need fifteen minutes or you
maybe you need to go to fucking sleep and you
can't hear this anymore. Okay, ask for what you need,
and if you feel yourself getting in that space, then
you need to excuse yourself and you need to leave
this situation because what is not okay is this how

(28:46):
you reacted today, and you do owe her an apology.
I've said that to mister Curise before him and Turtle
got into it once something. Mister curs was very upset
and I said. I was like, hey, you owe him
an apology the way you were talking to him just now,
and I had to initiate that repair, but it happened.

(29:07):
It's important that he apologized for his tone and the
way he was saying it. Turtle's a very sensitive guy
and one of the things he does if you fuss
at him at all is give a little turtle face,
and he likes to get back in his shell. That's
we were just talking about today. He's like, I like
to be in my shell? What do you want? And
you're never gonna get what you need from turtle by fussing,

(29:27):
You're never gonna get that. Excuse me, hollering, like getting loud.
You know it's not You're not gonna get it. He's
gonna he's gonna get right in the shell and turn
into a little rock and never get anything from It's
just not how it works for him for many people.
I also would have a conversation with my husband about
what is our standard of parenting, Like we gotta be
on the same page, and in an ideal situation, you

(29:52):
would not like anybody screaming shut up at your child, right, okay,
So let's not do that. We and I would and
I probably wouldn't do it this today, like when this
is happening, this is something we talk about later, And
I just want to talk about in general, what like,
you know, let's all be on the same page. What's okay?
What's not okay? Me and my husband and you know it.

(30:19):
I the question is like how do I get him
to know? How do I get him to know? So
I realize it's not okay to scream. You describe him
as somebody who's not screaming all the time. He's screaming
all the time, then maybe we need another point where
we need to move on from this person. But it
doesn't seem like that's what he's doing. One of the

(30:40):
things that to push with mister Curtis's apologies. Mister Curtis
didn't give apologies when I met him. He I mean
verbal like he would smooth it out in other ways,
but he would not say, I am sorry for this
thing that I did. I was wrong. He felt like,

(31:02):
why am I supposed to apologize to so one I love?
He felt like it was something you do to like
an authority figure, And I mean, he's obviously not like
that anymore. He's obviously We got into it the other
day where we just had a miscommunication and I was like,
really triggered. I was like, oh, this is two thousand
and eight, mister Curtis, Like the way he was talking,

(31:24):
it was it just it wasn't He didn't do anything
except for I asked a direct question. He gave me
a vague He danced around my fucking question, and I
just didn't understand what he was doing or why, and
he was not explaining, and that really fucking triggered me.
I hate when I asked a fucking direct question don't
get a direct answer. I fucking hate it. Uh, And

(31:49):
it was very stressful. He got home and I just
to meet I was say, hey, we need to talk
about this. And we did talk about it, and he
thought I was doing this saying something and I didn't
understand what he was saying, and that's when the miscommunication happened.
And we talked about it and we got to and
then we were just talking and he's just like, but

(32:10):
hold on, I just want to say this, I just
want to I just want to apologize for my part
in that, because I I really thought something else was happening,
and I do understand why that was stressing you out
that two thousand and seven, mister Curtis would never have
done that two thousand and seven, two thousand and eight,

(32:31):
mister Curtis was very uh secretive. So it was two
thousand and seven and two thousand and eight princess by
the way, but very secretive, very like wouldn't say the thing,
you know what I mean? And then like that left
a lot to be desired in our relationship. I'm surprised
we're still married. We each have behaved quite badly in

(32:55):
the past. I the other day I was talking to
him and I was like, yeah, I don't so. I
was just thinking about something that should I have done
in this relationship. I can't believe you're still with me.
And he was like mmm. He was like, yeah, if
I could go back, I would change many a mini
a thing of how I acted in many a year
in the beginnings of my relationship. But yeah, like, uh,

(33:20):
our standard is that we apologize to our children. I
apologize to my children all the time. I was. I
yelled at Bunny a couple of weeks ago, and we
ended up going to bed or whatever. And the next morning,
the first thing I said to her was I was like,
I need to stop because I need to apologize. I
listened to my I heard myself last night. It was

(33:41):
really upset. Let me explain to you what I was upset.
And I explained to where I was upset. And I
was like, and I should have And you see the
way I'm talking to you right now, This is how
I should have been talking to you last night, not
what you got. And she was very She accepted my apology,
and I love that. I appreciate that she accepted it.
But the point is I need to get it because

(34:02):
I was in the wrong. I is that a standard
in your home? Yeah, talk about your child standards and
make sure you don't just talk to him about his behavior.
Make sure that you and then later your husband talked
to your child about this behavior. Call it out. Wasn't okay,
you saw it, You feel for her, you want to help,

(34:25):
You want to hear her feelings about it. Let's figure
out what we're gonna do the next time anybody talks
to us that way. What should we do? What could
we do? Yeah, that's what I would do. This next
one says, well, I just blew up my fifteen year
career and told my boss I wanted to quit. The
economy is crap. I am living paycheck to paycheck and
it had an impulse that I just can't do this anymore,

(34:46):
and sent my boss at team's message quitting. It doesn't
say she's asking me to talk to her first. We
all know that how that's gonna go. Here's here's the
future of living in my car for two cats. How
what do you do after fifteen years in the same
jobs when you were in your mid forties and you
just blow everything up. So I saw some of the
comments and they said exactly what I was gonna say.
Uh vitin like, you didn't say that shit. Come into

(35:10):
work and don't say a fucking word, okay, And I
in the middle of a bartending shift. I was the
bar manager. I quit. I went out the back door
and set off the fire alarm because I quit, I
was going to my car. As I was walking to

(35:31):
my car, I was like, fuck, I can't quit this job.
I walked around to the front of the building, went
through the front door, and went back to my bar.
The GM was like, what you just set off The
fucking fire alarm was going on. I was like, oh,
it was an accident, he said, but you were yelling
you quit. I was like no, I wasn't. I was like,

(35:53):
I'm gonna get it. Brought the fresh air and I
thought I could go through the back door. I didn't
realize and he's just looking ye't me and he's like,
you didn't quit. I was like, no, who said I quit?
Who said that? Who said that? Who said that I
didn't quit? I would do that? Again today. I've given
this advice to covers that were like that, like focks,
like got into a fight in the hallway, not a

(36:15):
physical fight, but like an argument. I was pretending like
that shit didn't happen. When our boss comes in and
the person I given the advice to was also a
personal color, I was like, you know how like white
people will call their mom a bitch and then just
go to Thanksgiving and you don't have to talk about it,
you just like sit down. She's like, yeah, they do that. Yeah, yeah,

(36:35):
they just kind of they just like they have big
fights in their family and then they just pretending like
that shit never fucking happened. Let's let's do it like
the white people do. That should never happened. When the
boss comes in and it's like, hey, I heard about
an argument in the hall Like what argument? I have
no argument? What do you mean? No? I just felt
fine by me. Oh we said we had an argument.

(36:58):
I didn't. I didn't feel like argument, Like I swear
to God, pretend like that shit didn't happen. And someone
said it's a Larry David thing. I don't know, I
don't know. I don't know about that, but I would
absolutely go to work and pretend like I never said
that shit. I pretend like I never said that shit.
It's the fact you said in teams? Why would you
write it down? But still, yeah, just feel like it

(37:19):
there happened. And then also let's figure out why you
are having these outbursts. It is so much easier for
me to find grace with the people around me, and
that includes my children, my husband, my coworkers. When I
have poured into myself, when I have things that recharge me,

(37:40):
when I show up full as opposed to half empty,
I it's so much easier for me to be like,
to let shit go. What are you doing? Think about
it anyway? Oh, how do you guys enjoy his parenthood?
Genuine question. I see how many of you saying how

(38:00):
amazing parents has been and how you contemplate having more kids,
and I just genuinely don't understand. I've always wanted to
be a mother. I've always thought it would beautiful and fun.
When I'm five years in and I still don't enjoy mother.
I am a single parent, so all responsibilities of me
and I don't find any enjoyment at the end of
the day. For all the chance from crying to cooking
and cleaning all the time, a little time I have
for myself, and just the idea that it's going to

(38:22):
be like this for another at least another ten years,
well not ten years. I only have one child, so
I thought things wouldn't be so difficult. But all I
do is work and take care of my kid, and
I don't enjoy playing with dolls or toys. I want
to try to include her and things like cooking, so
she kind of or so she kind of just makes
a mess and I have even more cleaning to do.
I thought that about five she would be more independent,

(38:43):
but she's still so little, and so I get that
she can't do a lot for herself. I just feel
trapped and parent and find no enjoyment out of it. So, yeah,
you are a single parent of a small child is
very difficult. And five year old. I was watching some
TikTok video or somebody was like, five year olds look
like big kids, like they look so much bigger than

(39:04):
when they were two, But they aren't. They aren't big kids,
not a five year old. They you and they're crying
in tantrums and you're like, what are you doing this?
You're you've doubled your body weight. They're still little kids.
Five year olds are little kids. Eight year olds are
kind of little kids to certain extent. So parenthood is hard,

(39:33):
not difficult. Difficult is something means that you maybe don't
know how to go about something. It's uh, it takes
a lot to understand. Uh, you were often confused. And
the truth is, in the day to day of parenting,
most of us aren't confused. Most of us aren't like,

(39:54):
what should I be doing? Sure, there are things that
you're like, I don't know what to do here, But
it's hard. And when I say something's hard, it takes
a lot of energy and stamina to keep going. All right,
Parenting is hard, not difficult, And I do a lot
of hard things right right now. I'm taking an accounting

(40:16):
class so that I can be a little more valuable
at work because of the stuff I'm doing right now,
and just so I can have just a better understanding
of like dissecting financial statements and things like that. It's hard.
I have this fucking podcast that I have to put
out twice a week every week most weeks, regardless of

(40:39):
how I fucking feel. Sometimes I just do not want
to be recording. I don't want to talk about shit.
I don't give a fuck what so and so said
on the Real Housewives of whatever. I don't give a fuck.
It doesn't matter. I I will kill myself if you
force me to talk about season twenty of Sister Wives,
like but I hope every time more most times. So

(41:02):
I'm not saying I've never not shown up, but I
show most times, because well so people running marathons. It's hard,
you know what I mean. Going to law school is
fucking hard. Going to graduate school is hard, you know
what I mean. Starting a business when you work full

(41:22):
time and also have like a very active home life
is hard. But people do it. A lot of people
do things hard things because they like the things they
get out of it. They have enjoyment. And for me
specifically like learning Spanish and teaching myself how to roll
my fucking rs and shit, what I specifically get out

(41:42):
of it is I feel incredibly accomplished when I do
a hard thing. When I build, I can't for it.
Right now, I'm doing a lot of I've taught myself
a lot of stuff about landscaping. I'm doing shit with
my yard, and shit, it's not easy. But I feel
incredibly accomplished because I can do hard things. I know

(42:05):
I can. I believe I can. I've seen myself do it.
And so when people talk about being worried because parenting
is hard, I mean, yeah, it is hard. I was
not put on this earth to just lay around and

(42:25):
be and only do to things became easy to me
that I know other people might have. But that's just
not how That's not how I approach these things. And
so I'm up for the challenge. I'm up for many challenges.
I mean, not all the challenges. There are certain challenges
I don't care to be up for, but I'm up
for all kinds of fucking challenges. And so when I

(42:46):
enjoy the challenge, I also enjoy my kids a lot.
I really like those fuckers. They are fun and funny
and unexpected, and like tonight, I just I went to
a kid's birthday party that did not want to go to,
but I went, and then I came home. I brought chicken,
and you know earlier I had to fuss out turtle

(43:09):
and cheeks. This motherfucker stayed up till four am, and
I blame mister HER's part of this. He not sit
in the bed when he was supposed to, because that
motherfucker's up til four am and he's setting a bad example.
And I just was like, your stuff isn't done, you
are not completing, You're not where you're supposed to be

(43:32):
because you are asleep because you've been staying up at night.
And I'm over this. I don't understand why this laundry
isn't done, Why this room looks like this? Why is
my kitchen dirty? I don't under These are tasks that
they are in charge of, right in different ways. That
bathroom smells like piss. I like, I was, like, I

(43:55):
sent in the bed at four am because I got
up and I heard them, and I let them. I
left them sleep till eleven and eleven I woke them
up and I had to let them fucking have it.
And guess what, they got it together. Turtle's room looked
like you work at the fucking Hilton. I was like, damn,
this has this room. I didn't know you can even

(44:15):
do I didn't even know your own could beat us clean.
You can do this, you can do this, you com
you could have been doing this the whole time. He
was like, you know, I just never finished okay, like
Cheeks got they they worked it out. They worked it out.
And so when I left earlier, like we were on
okay terms. But I was like, I don't want to

(44:38):
hear it. I don't want to hear from you. I
want my shit done. I want it done now. And
when we came back and I was eating chicken, and
like we were just finished eating. We're just chit chatting,
Me and Bunny and Turtle and various people taking showers
of the air in and out of the kitchen and
we're doing turtles catchphrases and reenacting cheeks on a roller

(45:01):
coaster because we're talking about something else. We are just
hanging out. They're fun, even if I'm mad because they
didn't clean the room. Though. They're fun people. They got
good personalities. I always I always say that the foster kids too.
I always got the fun and funniest kids people. They
just they just got a lot. I don't know great
personalities most of the time, and that helps. But I

(45:26):
know at five they looking like a bigger kid, but
they're really a little kid. And your single parents, so
you are weighted down by the task of motherhood, right,
They're the mechanics of motherhood, right, and that's why you're
not enjoying it. You're not. And I can give you

(45:50):
tips on to make things easier. Every time me or
my husband cooks, we cooked for two days. We do
not do single cooking. It takes just as much time
to make one day spaghetti as it doesn't make two
days of spaghetti. Okay, we cook and big batches, and
that means that I cook that if I cook on Sunday,
the next time somebody has to cook his Tuesday. Mister

(46:11):
Curtis cooks on Tuesday, and then the next time somebody
has to cook his Thursday. And so I do have
a partner that I can switch off with, but I
cook in big matches. I do not make a single
meal every oh nobody likes it, Yes they do. When
that's the only food that we have is leftovers. People
like leftovers. And I'm a person that didn't use to
eat leftovers right as soon as they hit the refrigerator.
I didn't want it anymore, but I adjust because who

(46:33):
wants to be tied to a fucking stove every day?
Cleaning Five is young, but it's not too young to
start cleaning with you. I know you're like she makes
a big man. Well, the mission in as you are
having her empty the dishwasher and do different is not
to be efficient. It's to include her. It's to share

(46:54):
the work. It's to have her do age appropriate things.
And I promise you, the more you have do, the
better she'll be at it and the less will be
off your plate. Like I said, Cheeks, my kitchen my
kid's kitchen game. Closing down our kitchen every night is crazy.
Turtle is so fucking good at it. Turtle can shut

(47:16):
down that kitchen better than I can. Bunny the best,
the best at it. We don't always have her do
it because she's so good at it. She needs to
learn how to do other things. And Cheeks this the
past couple of months that have been on it, and
because we want to teach him how to do it better.
So fucking good at it, he's really fucking that kitchen
looks amazing when he does it, which is why he
had to get fussed out this morning. But that that

(47:40):
the only reason they're good is because I had them
do it. I had them start small, and I had
them to take on more and more. That's the only
reason they're good at it. And now I don't shut
down the kitchen. I don't do dishes. I don't do
I ain't do dishes, and it might be five years.
I don't do dishes. Today I took out the guard reach.

(48:01):
It was a it was a it was enlightening moment
for me. I don't take a garbage somebody else does that.
There's so many people here, what do they say? Many
hands make the work light. That's but today I just
didn't feel like Colin whoever was supposed to do it.
I was like, I'll just take out of the garbage
real quick. But it's because I let them funk up
taking out the garbage sometimes and now they're really good

(48:23):
at it and I don't have to deal with it.
So I but it's hard to see that when you're
at five. Here's what I suggest for you. Like I said,
I give you some tips on on some on on
reducing some of your workload a single parent. But right

(48:43):
now you're in a certain season. Remember that seasons don't
last forever. You're in a certain season, and for this season,
your house is gonna be a little bit more messy
than it would otherwise, right and it's gonna be okay.
I mean, you're just gonna have to let me be
a little bit more messy. You're going to have to
work smarter, not harder, because you're the only person doing
the work, and you're gonna have to what I what

(49:06):
I would tell you to do is two things. Prioritize
your connection with your child, because if you do that,
you will enjoy her more. I promise you will prioritize that. Yes,
the kitchen needs to be clean, the kitchen will be cleaned.
My relationship with my child is more important because enjoying

(49:30):
her is She can tell when you're enjoying her when
you're not. They can all. Just like you can tell
when somebody's not enjoying you, she can tell when you're
not enjoying her. Two, you've got to find ways to
pour into yourself. And I know nobody has a village. Nobody. Yeah, yeah,
I got it, I got it, I got it. You
gotta make away. You have to make away. I'm gonna

(49:52):
tell you that the MCA has parents days out, They
try try that. They have churches that often have that too.
And I know you're gonna be like Princess, I need
to beat religious. I'm not religious as all, but I
gotta do what I gotta do. And if the YMCA,
if going to the YMCA camp meant that they had

(50:13):
to go out, uh go on missions. They just have
to go on a fucking mission because I need it.
I need to chat here, do that. Uh find something
that intern that makes you very happy. You know what
makes me really happy? Two things my legos and my kindle.
I love to fucking read. My kindle is so fucking perfect. Legos.

(50:35):
I love legos. Hanging out with my legos for a
little while energizes me. It puts more in my cup
and I'm able to pour from it. You have got
to figure out what it is for you, and you've
got to prioritize it, figure it out. It's so hard.
I don't have to figure it out. You do not
have the luxury of not figuring it out. You are

(50:59):
bogged down in the task of motherhood. And I am
never gonna tell you being a mother's a job, because
it's not. A job. Is labor put in a cute
little box with benefits and clock in and clock out
time and pay. Being a mother is labor all the time.

(51:22):
It's care task all the time. It's a role that
requires quite a bit of labor and lessons as they
get older, just in flavor in a different way, and
a ton of emotional labor. But you can't do the
labor if you do not have the energy and the
intention and the self love to provide those things. You

(51:49):
gotta figure it out. I don't care. Got you gotta
find somebody who has a kid your age that you
get to that that you guys agree that you're gonna
watch her kid on Friday, and she don't watch her
kid on Saturday. You're a kid on Saturday. You've gotta
fucking figure it out. I have to go to so
many fucking practices with my kids, and you know what

(52:12):
I do, Like a lot of those parents, they walk
around the field because they getting they steps in. You
know what I do. I often sit in my car
and I read. I read something horrible, some dark mafia
romance of some fucking sort, some some fantasy. I read
the worst shit right, and I enjoy it, and I

(52:35):
take that moment to myself because I need it so
I can give in other ways. You've got to figure
it out. And I'm sorry like to say it that way,
but there's no crying in baseball figure it out, all right,
That's that's what i'd say there. How do I stop

(52:58):
my friend from constantly reminding me that I'm not her type?
My bisexual friend females sometimes gets shipped with me female,
and usually I just laugh at off. Oh, people think
they should be in an relationship. She's always been super
serious and vocal about me not being her type. One night,
she got really drunk and told me a bunch of
things like, you're a prittest person. I know, I kind
of want you. Knew she was drunk, so I lasted off.
The Next day when she was so bare, I brought

(53:19):
it up, but she got really defensive, first saying no,
I didn't say that, then switching to I was just joking.
I told her it was fine. I knew she wasn't
serious and obviously drunk, and I don't care. But she
keeps bringing up no offense, but you're not my type thing,
even though I told her many times I understand mind you.
I'm straight, so her liking or not liking me wouldn't
bother me at all. I've had other female friends like
me before. I never made a big deal about it,
and she knows it. It's getting really annoying. She keeps

(53:39):
acting like I want or expect something from her, when
in reality I generally don't genuinely don't care. She repeats
so much that it's starting to feel like a daily
reminder just in case I forgot the last seventy times
she mentioned it. It's exhausting, especially since obviously everyone everyone
is just joking around. She never gets this defensive when
she shipped with other people. Just me feels so strange
to be constantly reminded that she doesn't seem me romantic

(54:00):
when it's not even something I'm thinking about it any
about to explain, Oh, she wants you. I'm sorry you
are well, maybe you're not her type, but she's got
a thing for you. And I don't mean this in
a way that she's got a thing for you and
she wants you and she's gonna get you. I don't
hit like that. But the reason she keeps bringing it

(54:23):
up is because she feels some sort of way sorry,
and that's more about her than you. So what do
you do about that? Nothing? Right? If she's had a
nasty dream about you or everything, or when she gets
drunk she's singing, she's like, damn that girl's kind of cute,
but she's but she's not acting on it. But she

(54:47):
just wants to be, but she's trying to deny it. Fine,
that has nothing to do with you. What does have
to do with you is you want her to stop
talking to you like that. You want her to stop
saying she's not you're you're not her type, and not
because you want her, but because I don't know, somebody
a good friend telling people all the time how unattractive
I am would hurt my feelings, Like why keep saying that? Like,

(55:08):
it's cool, you're not my type either. I'm straight, So
that's why if I were you, because you're straight, I'd
be like, I'm straight, you're not my type either. It's fine,
This is this is this is not an insult to anybody.
But the fact that she keeps saying it over and
over again, that's what makes me believe that. And Lady
Duc protests too much. So here's what I do. The

(55:31):
next time she said it, she said, I'd be like, hey,
I know, could you stop saying that? You're starting to
hurt my feelings. I don't. It's not that I want
you to want me, but you telling me over and
over again, how I'm not your type is hurtful. Please stop.
If you have friends in your friend group that are

(55:54):
always like you guys are so much fun together, you guys, absolutely,
she just fuck I would tell if they said that,
I'd be like, hey, don't say that, but we're friends.
Don't don't don't, don't make a messy over here. I
would ask the stop saying it too, But mostly I
tell her that she's hurting my feelings, and how she
reacts after that will tell you everything. If she is
the term, if she knows she's hurting your feelings and

(56:16):
she's determined to keep doing that, I don't know. I
don't know if she's being a good friend right now,
and that maybe you may need to distance yourself from her.
If she is like like, sorry, I don't want to
hurt your feelings, I mean she she if she cares
about your feelings and she's just like, I'm so sorry
about that. Cool. Thank you for acknowledging that. You know,

(56:36):
a great way to help me is to stop saying
how I'm not your type. I stop bringing it up.
That's what I do there, and how she reacts to it,
that's that. Did I know what's up? A right next one?
I feel like I'm always there for people. No one
really shows up for me. I'm Emily, and I've always
been the person who listens, checks in Ramer's birthdays, and

(56:58):
tries to be there and my friends need something. I
don't mind being the person. I actually love it, But
lately I've been feeling kind of invisible when I'm struggling.
No one really asks what I'm doing. My phone is
quiet unless I'm reaching out first. I get told I'm
so sweet or such a good friend, but it feels
one sided. I'm certain to wonder I's just I'm just
so one people keep around for convenience, not because they genuinely,
genuinely care. I don't want to cut people off or

(57:18):
be bitter. I just don't know how to handle this
without feeling drained or unappreciated. Has anyone else dealt with this?
How do you set boundaries to find better bounce and friendships?
You sound like a codependent, right, And I'm saying that
as somebody who realized her codependence ways and had to
really work against them. Right. And I've talked a bit

(57:40):
about this, if you've listened, I actually did an episode
where I talked about how I combat like a natural
codependency and how I like found it out. Like I
thought codependency was like people who can't do things by themselves,
like Chelsea from Team Home Too has like that brings
people with her own job interviews and stuff like that,

(58:02):
And that's never been me. I do anything, I can
do anything alone. It's not a big deal for me.
So I never even thought that would have something to
do with me until Whitney. Not Whitney Port was Whitney Cummings.
I saw a video of Whitney Cummings talking about codependency
and she said codependency is when you feel responsible for
other people's feelings. And I was like, excuse me what?

(58:26):
And I started like reading about it, and I was like,
ah fuck. And if the word codependent doesn't strike a
match with you, think about, because there are types of codependent.
Think about They're like people managers, people who manage everyone
around them all right all the time. People fixers. I

(58:49):
would identify as a fixer. I'm a fixer. I fix shit.
I see a problem, I take care of it to
my detriment often. But it's something if you thought about it.
Read read up on it. There are lots of books
and there are tons of resources out there. Uh the
codependence codependency is rooted in the addiction world, so you

(59:15):
might get a lot of stuff like that, but it
is understanding codependency and understanding my part, and it has
changed my life in so many ways. I am so
much less resembled than I used to be. Uh So,
the first thing I tell you, like I said, you sound,
you sound codependent, but two people are not vending machines, right,

(59:41):
and it doesn't doesn't tell you think they are. But
I just want to say this. People are not vending machines.
You do not put coins in them and then automatically
get something out, and that means we we already Like
if I told you the trope of the quote unquote
nice guy who does all these things for a woman
and she doesn't fuck him and he's very angry about it,
you'd understand why that's a crazy thing for him to

(01:00:05):
think putting coins in a venting machine and getting out
your snack, Because you have every right to be upset
when you put the requisite amount of money into a
vending machine and the snickers didn't come out, and you
shake the machine you're upset it stole your money, but
that's not how people work. And so remember whatever you
give or do to people, or do for people, you're

(01:00:28):
doing freely of your own free will, and how they
react as of their own free will. So if we
start there, once you realize that, once you once you
got that down, you're like, Actually, the fact that I
have driven every person in my life to the airport
multiple times is because I have offered it is because

(01:00:48):
so when asked and I said yes, it does not
And when I said yes, I did not say only
if you drive me to the airport one day. Now,
you might think that's unspoken, but that's not unspoken for everybody.
And so instead of focusing on that, the thing you
need to focus on is are you giving the things
that you want to give? You say you love it,

(01:01:10):
fix Ers say stuff like that. Other side, I am
an excellent friend. I know everybody's birthday, I know it,
I know a day you're graduating, I know I remember
your dog's name from childholn. I know all that shit.
And the reason I do that is because I grew
up in chaos and I had to know everything about
everybody around me to be safe and we can say
that physically, but emotionally, I had to know. I had

(01:01:32):
to know what your footsteps at the front door meant.
And now I know. My mister Curtis will be like,
who's that downstairs? Really, that's cheeks, you don't You don't
hear on his feet slot across, that's cheeks. I know
that hypera that hypervilligence is a tool I used in

(01:01:53):
the past to keep myself safe in many ways that
I am slowly trying to let go of because I
don't fucking need it anymore. All right, anyway, So here's
a deal. You need boundaries and you need standards. Standards
are more like expectations, right, things that you want to

(01:02:15):
get from other people, things that you my In my friendships,
I expect people to check in with me and my friendships.
I expect people to remember my birthday and my friendships.
I expect people to initiate conversations with me as much
as I do them, to initiate plans with me as
much as I do them. Those are your standards. Your
boundaries are for you, though, right. Your boundaries are what

(01:02:35):
you're gonna do, not what you want other people to do.
So an example of a boundary is if I if
I am the person that always invites people out. Let
me take this back. If I invite someone three times

(01:02:56):
and they do not show up or they do not accept,
I am not going to invite them anymore. And you
actually see the thing about boundaries is like sometimes people
announce boundaries of like these are my boundaries. Those are rules,
usually in their expectations. Usually a boundary you don't have
to tell anybody about. You just got to act on it.

(01:03:17):
You can tell people if you want to, But a
boundary works just as well if you never told anybody
about it in the first place. You have to create
boundaries in your friendships, okay, And you also have to
say think about it this way, right, because you don't
want to better. You don't want to be cutting people
out because who, like I don't know, cutting everybody off

(01:03:38):
in this world has never done me very much. Right.
What you want to do is you want to think
of yourself as a high end shoe store. Okay, I
don't know nothing about shoes, so I can't name a frame,
but you're gonna think of yourself as a high end

(01:03:59):
shoe store. There are people who can afford to come
in and buy shoes. And there are people who have
to save up to come in and buy shoes, and
there are people who can't do any of those things,
and they can't have no shoes from over there. And
your friendship is that's the price of the friendship. It's
six hundred dollars a pair. I don't know who's expensive.

(01:04:20):
I don't know expensive to me, but I don't know.
I don't know if everybody else is pays six hundred
dollars for shoes. But go with me on this. It's
six hundred dollars a pair. And if somebody wants to
be your friend, if they want to be a part,
if they want to get the luxury of someone who
who's always there, who remembers birthdays, who answers text message

(01:04:42):
at three o'clock in the morning, if that's what actually,
do you really want to be answering text meshes a
three o'clock in the morning. Maybe you think about what
kind of stuff you're offering, because some of that stuff
sounds like you're doing it for the other person, not
for yourself. But if you want, if they want to
get this amazing part that's being friendship, If you cost
six hundred dollars, and by six hundred dollars, I mean

(01:05:05):
it costs. You gotta text me, you gotta show up
for me, you gotta check in with me that you
have to do those things, and if you don't, you
cannot have it. That's what you need to start thinking
about it. Any other thing. One last thing on them
to say fixers Quotependent people often don't tell people how

(01:05:29):
they feel about things. And the reason they don't is
because they think that as soon as you tell somebody
and someone goes, oh, I didn't know that was happening,
let me do this, then it's worthless. It's not worthless.
It is absolutely not worthless at all. What you can do,
one small thing you can just start today is when
you are having a hard time, tell people, when you

(01:05:51):
are tired, tell people, when you are stressed, tell people.
And I know you're like, nobody wants to hear that,
You're right, Nobody wants to hear that twenty four fucking
seven right. But people care about you, want to know
what's going on with you. They want to and if
you're having trouble doing that, this might be there might

(01:06:13):
be a lot of things you need to work on right.
Being vulnerable is really hard, especially for us, and she's
attachment to people. It's hard, it's I mean avoiding attachment people.
Being vulnerable is extremely hard. We are scared to show
our soft white bellies to people because they might stab
us and kill Usit in okay, all right, it's possible.

(01:06:38):
But if you can't be vulnerable, if everything's always fine,
if you don't need any help, if you don't, if
that's how it is, why would they check it on you?
Everything's always fine with you, You actually don't need me help.
Why would they offer it to you? You never need
me help. Things to consider here, that's what I say,

(01:07:00):
all right? How to tell my friend her husband's a perv.
I've been friends with this girlfriend was four years. She
seems to be the type of person that get really
upset about this and in the friendship between us. So basically,
her husband told my husband that my other friend's fourteen
year old daughter was staring him all night with her
sexy little body in his words. Now, obviously my husband
told him that was disgusting and to never say those
kinds of things again. And really I want to tell

(01:07:21):
her about it, but I also don't want things to
be weird between us or to end of friendship. I'm
asking what should I do and say so it doesn't
end up that way? Oh, you don't have any choice.
The only way to tell her is to tell her
when he's not there. Hey, you know, my husband told
me that this is what your husband said, refer to
that fourteen year old staring at you with her sexy

(01:07:43):
little body, and that he told him that wasn't okay.
But I wanted to tell you about that in case
you didn't know he was talking like that. Is she
She's probably gonna be upset with you, And she might
not even realize that she's upset with you because you
just pointed out something deficient and her husband. She might
be she she might be upset with you because she

(01:08:04):
doesn't believe you. But she also might be upset with
you because why did you just say that or did
you point that out? She might come back when he
was drunk, he said he didn't even say that. There's
no there's no there's no short waited there's no like
delicate way to do this. I'm sorry. I just tell
her now you don't want in the friendship. She's probably

(01:08:24):
gonna end it. With you, and also you was gonna
end the friendship with her anyway, because who the fuck
wants to be around a man like that? So now
I'm telling you married to somebody, and I can't be
around them, and they certainly can't come around my house.
You talking about fourteen year olds like that, You can't
come around my fucking house. So now what I'm supposed
to do. I'm supposed to invite you over the bark
you would tell you not to bring that nasty man

(01:08:45):
with you. Hm, hm, I can't do that. She was
probably the friendship was gonna be over. She the friendship
was gonna be over anywhere when she realized I don't
invite her ass over no more unless unless he's sure
not to fucking come. You just have to say it.
And there are plenty of instances where women had no
idea their partners. I'll say anybody, anybody that had no

(01:09:08):
idea their partners were saying and doing things like this.
So I would tell her for that reason, but also
be prepared for her to like be mad at you,
call you a liar and all this other stuff. Sorry,
but yeah, I wouldn't want them around anyway or hurt
him around and so, and a lot of a lot

(01:09:28):
of people will be like, oh, they're I'm not gonna
be around either. Next one, I should I use my
emergency fund for my parents A fiction knows No. I
haven't even read this. I pulled this one, but I
didn't read the whole thing. I'm twenty four, living in
a partment with my fiance. My fifty three and sixty
year old parents have just told me they're getting hit
with an eviction notice. It is so, and are asked

(01:09:51):
me to pay it out and full. This will wipe
out my emergency fund. Thankfully, fiance would still have hers,
so we wouldn't be fully hopeless. But losing this safety
that opens big doors for Murphy and his law. You're
right for contexts. Folks are grown children, never putting a
diamond to retirement, their savings wrapped up debt, and my
brother and I have been raised in poverty my whole life. Oh,
I managed to escape the generation generational vortex thanks to
the Internet. This says, lol, and I'm actually laughing and

(01:10:15):
got a great job. They will only get better. I've
had this shot for years, but it's only been since
leaving I've had the first time of my life experiencing
the middle class and the time of living with them
ever since sixteen, took care of my parents' bills. Insurance
is your name. I paid it at least a few times,
if not concurrently, moving was my final escape. I've finally
been able to keep a dollar or two away from

(01:10:37):
their decisions. Few are supported of me. My fiance, the
Queen sumons them. Some tell me I'm done for enabling
them as long as they did. Other see, I'm a
bad sun for leaving them. I have had this emergency
fund for my current family. Do I start from scratch again?
If means my folks who get another chance to know
here's the deal. They don't have money for rent a reason,

(01:11:00):
and like you didn't say it was because of a
past something that's been resolved. No, they don't have money
for rent, and so what's gonna happen is you're gonna
pay their emergency their their their eviction, and the next
month they don't have money for rent. And it seems
to be something that they've been going through their entire lives. Okay,

(01:11:20):
I and I'm not like, I'm not I'm not calling
them pieces of shit. I'm not gonna do that. Some like,
understanding money is super hard. I was raised to fear money.
I was really And keep in mind, my parents did
better than everyone around them. Okay, it's just because they
had two incomes. That's why they did better than everyone
around them. But I was raised to fear money. I

(01:11:41):
didn't understand shit, and I still am like working out
that in my life. I'm still trying to understand stuff
and I get it. But you can't do this. If
this wasn't your parents, I say no, If this is
same meal, think about this. This is a crazy thing
to do. You need your emergency fund, you need it

(01:12:04):
really badly. What I would do is I would work
within and this is let's say this isn't your parents.
Let's say this is anybody you know. You showing up
to save the day is not really saving them. You
know what I'm saying. Give a man of fish she
eats for one day, teach your man of fish he eats.
I would use their situation and be like, Okay, so

(01:12:25):
I can help you make plans to get out of this.
How are we gonna do that? Where are you gonna go?
Why aren't you paying rent? What's your situation? Let's work
with what your situation is. And I'll tell you another thing.
Nobody can come stay with you ever. You do not
let people stay with you. You're not gonna listen to me,

(01:12:45):
but don't do it. Don't let anybody ever stay with you.
I rather pay your rent than let you stay with me,
That's me. But in this case, I'm not paying rent
and you can't stay with me. So what happens next?
What's your next choice? And I we have to work
on that. And I'm I'm here for you. I'm supportive
of you. You can have my you can have my labor.

(01:13:08):
I am help here to help you move. I'm here
to help you pack shit. I will absolutely bring my
laptop over and sit with you and look for other
places and look for the other options. I will do that.
I'll do all of that. I'll do every bit of that. Well.
Not gonna do is leverage is bet my future on you.

(01:13:31):
I'm not gonna do that, especially when I listen. I've
known you guys all my life and and y'all are
not a good bet in this case. That's what we're
gonna do. Absolutely not, absolutely not. This is a bad choice.
I think this is my last one here millennial millennial
mom friends. Just curious if this is if this is

(01:13:54):
any other fellow millennials experience early thirties female I'm sure
could apply to anyone could and any other female I've
attempted to be friends stop seeing female though any other
female attend to be friends with always seems to be
such weak friendships. They don't reciprocate, but of course are
very polite and person At school, Dropper will say we
should get together to your face, but never follow up

(01:14:15):
even when I text us to do something. For example,
I have several other millennial moms in my neighborhood. They
all stay in their houses all day then like the socialize,
and when I do invite them, it's usually we can't
or we're busy. Even for things like moms are out,
they won't engage in planning, don't want to leave the
kids with the sitter or the husband, and don't try
to have time away from kids, not even a hey,
let's corral the kids at my house and sit in

(01:14:37):
the back and chat. They all stay at home, so
I can't understand where where they would possibly already be
getting adult interaction if we do get together with kids
or husbands. They huffer over the kids the whole time.
I have other friends who consider me normal, and I
just don't understand if this is a location thing or generation.
I try to take a male Robin's approach and let them,
but it's hard. Can't. I can't be the only one. Okay,

(01:14:58):
So this is not a millennial mom problem. This is
everybody's problem. Okay. One of the things you said here
is that you have other friends great, interact with them,
interact with them. I understand why you want to have
a mom friend because you want mom because you want
mom friends to do mom stuff with and to talk

(01:15:20):
about mom stuff with, and because you don't want to
be constantly talking about parenting the people with other types
of friends who don't have kids, right, because how fun
is that conversation for them? For you to be constantly
talking about parenting, You're not talking about things you have
in common with them. You want to talk about things
you have in common with them with them. I'm not

(01:15:41):
saying you're never gonna mention your kids or parenting or anything,
but you want you want the conversations you have with
them to be about things you have in common with them. Understood,
here's the thing. A lot of people are like in
hardcore depression and do not fucking know about it. I
just a lot of people, a lot of people like

(01:16:03):
can't even lift their heads up out of depression and
would not be able to tell you that more people
than you would think. I think that, particularly for this,
it is hard to make time for outside people and
things when you have a family. It really is hard.

(01:16:25):
It is hard around scheduling and stuff. I think that
in this particular case though, Right, that's a that's a
general I was generalizing there that is hard to make
time for stuff. People sometimes ask me to do stuff
and I'm like, I can't because I've X, Y and
Z and i have a very busy life. Right, Sometimes

(01:16:49):
it's too busy. Sometimes I'm absolutely trying to shove twenty
pounds of life into a ten pound bag. But if
I want to hang out with someone, I make space
and time and prioritize hang out with them at least
Sometimes any people don't want to hang out with you.

(01:17:10):
They really just want to be at home, and even
if they come out, they hover over the gain. Yeah okay, yeah,
all right, that's the type of like parenting they're doing.
That's the type of lifestyle they're living. I don't think
it's great. I really don't. I think it's really important
to address all fascets of your being. I really think
i'm team leaving fucking kids, leave them, leave them. I

(01:17:32):
that's me, that's me. But I personally think it's the
location of where you are. I think it's the location.
I unless you smell really bad, like your breath is
kicking girl, like your breath is horrowable, or your kids
are really fucking bad, So I would look in word.

(01:17:54):
First of all, I check my breath. A good way
to do that is to like lick the back of
your hand and smell it that. I'll tell you what
your breath smells like. You know, just just check those
armpits and make sure your kids aren't biers. Let me,
I'm sorry to be laughing, but some of y'all kids
are bad. Okay, I don't want to be around them.

(01:18:16):
But if though of all of all those things are
not true, it's probably just like where you are right now,
So I wouldn't stop trying. By the way, Mel Robbins,
let them I like this in theory, and keep in
mind that this is like stoicism right packaged up in

(01:18:36):
like uh a white book. Okay, but the other part
is to let me part. Right, So if they don't
want to hang out, what do you need to do you?
The idea is to focus on what you This stoicism

(01:18:58):
is focused on what you can't control, as oppost with
things you cannot control and what you can control. What
you can't control is what or not they want to
hang out with you. What you can control is who
you're asking. So stop asking them. Let's find some other people.
Keep trying. That's what I would say. I would keep trying.
I would seek out motherhood groups with because those people

(01:19:22):
who join groups like that want to interact with other people.
That's the whole reason they're doing it. Now, Are you
gonna find people that are just like you? No? Community
is hard, okay. Community includes people we don't like sometimes,
all right, Am I gonna join a mega parenting group? No,
I'm not gonna do that. But if somebody in the
parenting group has different ideals than I do, and they

(01:19:46):
happen to mention them one if it's not their whole personality, okay,
let it be like I'm gonna have to Sometimes you
have to get over that. Sometimes they think that this
is okay, and you're like, ah, I would never do
that in my parenting. Okay. Sometimes you have to get
over that because community, you, Community is not finding people
who are just like you, who do the same things
you do to exactly the way you do it and

(01:20:09):
y'all all hang out together. Community is a network of
people that or some will be similar to you and
some will be different from you. In this case, you're
looking for more community with UH with moms. I do
think I do think you should do stuff like join

(01:20:32):
the PTA because it's because you have to go to
those meetings and there's volunteer stuff and you will spend
time with other parents. I think should go to the PTA. Shit,
I think you should do stuff like you really get
involved in the school. Last year, I did something I
never did was the Halloween truck or treat. I just

(01:20:53):
never done that before. And I also never did like
a balloon arms before. But like I keep fucking telling you,
I could do any fucking thing if I have the
resources for it, and I taught myself how to make bone.
By the way, when I tell you that I do
hard things or I know I can do hard things.
The reason I know I can do hard things because
I've done hard things, and you do not get You

(01:21:16):
get confidence from completing things. That's why I make my
kids do stuff. That's why when they come to me
and they're like, how do you do this? I'm like,
what do you think you should do? And when they
figure out the answer, they are so fucking proud of themselves,
and they are teaching their brain. They're teaching their brain.
They're teaching themselves that I can figure things out because

(01:21:37):
I have The brain goes based on what you've done before,
and so I often just try some hard shit and
I am surprised. I am often surprised at what the
fuck I can get done. But as soon as I'm done,
I'm like, I can do hard things, man, I am

(01:21:59):
fucking great. I can count on myself. I can do shit.
Does that be perfect? I can do it. I can
do it. I can retie on my fucking kitchen, I
can like, I can do it, and anyway, sorry, uh,
but the quickest way to confidence is doing shit. Start small,
do something, try something, see if you and don't give

(01:22:23):
yourself a time limit on it. You don't have to
finish it, right, now you don't have to be perfect
at it either. Well, how far can you get if
you try? I promise you this is how you you
You set confidence in yourself and especially in your children.
Have them do shit. Try. Like I said, I got

(01:22:46):
a beautifully fucking done kitchen every fucking night by somebody,
not me, all right, not me? And that's started off
with small baby steps. What was I saying? Oh, I
went to the trunker tree. I don't usually do stuff
like that, but I tried it, and I had a
great fucking time. The kids were all fun. I saw

(01:23:09):
all kinds of people from my neighborhood parents that I
don't normally get to see, but I've met before once
or twice, and I was chit chatting with them and
stuff and just talking and everything. And I had a
great time. My kids had a great time. Actually, my thirteen,
who was thirteen at the time, came with me because he,
I guess you forgot to buy a ticket to the
Halloween dance or whatever. He disorganized, but he came to

(01:23:33):
that with me and he had a great time walking
his brothers around. It was great. I had such a
fun time so that I would never thought to do before.
Try it out. Uh yeah, that's what I would say.
The women that you are trying to meet and be
friend in this moment are either in a season or

(01:23:55):
they are in a deep depression. Which it's okay, we've
all been there, we've you. I used to do this
shit when I was when I was like single, I
would go to work and then I would come home,
grab food to binge on and I and I'm not

(01:24:16):
using that word. I'm not using binging lightly. I was binging.
I'm not I'm not just like, ah, I hate three
friends drawers. I was binging, guys. I was. I had
my favorite bene foods, and I would BEINGI and then
go home, get in my underwear and just eat that
food and lay horizontal and stare at a TV. That's

(01:24:36):
what I would do every fucking day. And some people
do that even when they have kids or they they
do that for years and years and years. They bed
rot all the time. I used to be like a motherfucker.
I will say I did this before I had my
a whole house. Right when I was like roommates and

(01:24:57):
stuff like that, I would be in my room most
of the time, as opposed to the whole house once
I started living in a house that was just an
apartment or home that was just mine, I stopped doing that.
I don't I don't know if that has a lot
to do with it or not, but that was my normal.
People be like, do you want to just so I
would be like, you know, I'm busy BEINGI ing and

(01:25:18):
want you and maybe that's what so like, don't you
tachhit personally? Man, that's that that's not even about you
unless you have bad breath and you stink and your
kids are bad. Okay, so check those things first, then
start then start doing a lot of stuff around the school.

(01:25:38):
Another way to do this is what activities your kids
are in. You'll meet a lot of parents with those things.
Now you can be the parent that sits off to
the side, like way far off, which I've been many
a time and not talk to anybody at the fucking
soccer at the soccer practice. Or you can sit with
all the other parents and you don't have to like
and you get to know them and your kids go

(01:25:59):
to the same thing. So it's so much easier to
get the kids together and so much easier to make
mom friends that try that do not let the fact
that you ran into a bumper crop of depressed people
who are like no new friends, no new friends again.

(01:26:22):
This is about them, not you. What are you gonna do?
All right? That is it, guys. I am tired, I'm yawning,
and I think I've given enough unqualified through the night.
I will see you guys next week. Later