The Warrior Within

content warning: fatphobia, body checks, weigh-ins, eating disorders

Celebrity Fit Club, Season 7, Episode 2

This week, Princess has a plane to catch and the words to Mulan's best song in her head.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, guys, before it gets started, I just want to
warn you this episode contains talk of It's just a
lot of body talk. Guys. It's like fatness, fat phobia, wait, checks,
eating disorders, that sort of thing. And if that's the
type of thing that would make this a hard listen
for you, let's let's skip this one and I'll see

(00:22):
you the next one later. Hey, guys, Princess here and
we'll to another episode by Pumpkin. So I'm on my
way to Texas and by the time you get this,
I will at least be in there. I might actually

(00:42):
be in Texas. So I gotta get ready. So I
need to I need to get moving. But first before
I do all that I want to talk about. And
just like that, you guys know that every season and
just like that comes on, I watch it immediately and
then I immediately text someone usually care about how much

(01:04):
I hate it. But I'd be devastating a guy to cancel.
But this this season, season three is starting off with
a bang, like a bang of like anger in me. Guys.
What they have done to Miranda angers me, angers me. Obviously.

(01:29):
I've said this before when I talked about this show
that like I am always thrilled to see like more
diversity on TV. So the idea that one of our
core four, well, actually it's core, what's it Core six now?
But the idea of one of our original four being
queer is great for me. I'm like, yeah, it's the

(01:50):
show more of that. But we lost something when they
did that with Miranda, because Miranda used to be a
woman who fucked men but wore suits and for mask
women who aren't necessarily lesbians, right, that was some representation

(02:12):
we don't normally get. I think if I think of
like another what's another character that I see on TV
that's someone who's just like, not super fem but fucks men,
is like, uh, what's your girl from Superstore? What's her name?
The assistant manager that's like that absolutely should be a

(02:34):
bush of lesbian but isn't like in the dudes, And
that's something that we don't see all the time. And
so when they did that to Miranda, I was like,
I don't love it, but okay, it makes sense, but
I'm mad. Okay, I'm mad that I'm watching Miranda hot
lesbian bars looking for somebody to like her. I'm mad

(02:58):
about that. Okay, all right, Yeah, yeah, you did get
picked up by a secret Canadian uh virgin none and
fuck them. Yeah, because because you because you are on
the ground, Miranda, stand the fuck up, Stand up. You
don't go home with someone case you'll just happen to

(03:19):
be a glass too once a year and nobody wants them.
It was I was like, you know, in the original
in the original series, I really identify with Miranda. I
was a Miranda with a bit of Charlotte in me,
meaning I like things to be done correctly. I will
have a fit and be like, what do you want,

(03:43):
Let's just get a piece of poop and send it
to the baby showers, and you guys don't listen like
I will a little bit of that. But Miranda was
my bitch, and I guess I guess they would say
I had a little Samanthamy, But that's because it was
just so like conservative. I mean, I think I think
we're all some Antha now the way, because the way

(04:05):
we navigate the world, you know, And Samantha was just
doing it the way we all do it now. But yeah, Lake,
I miss Miranda and watching her go down these last
three seasons. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it
and lake. Here's the thing, Miranda, why are you in
a fucking lesbian bar with two straight bitches? You ain't

(04:28):
got no lesbian friends. That's the fucking problem right there. Secondly,
you're too old to be in this bar just peeping
people out. Okay, I don't want to be ageists, but
that's the truth. Okay, you're bitch, you're in your fifties. Okay,
you don't just go to a bar and then look
around and see if anybody will come up to you.
That's a young woman's game. That's a twenty one year
old's game. Okay, you need to just in general, Miranda

(04:56):
needs to be in more queer spaces, and that queer
bar isn't the queer space talking about. I mean that
she needs where your queer friends, bitch, where are they?
You need to be You need to be participating in community.
You need to be at you need to be well.

(05:16):
She did go to a queer beach. No, she didn't
go to a queer beach. She needs to be at
queer bingo. Okay, Okay, she needs to be a just
found out I was a lesbian? Uh? Support groups? She
needs she needs to be checking off everything at Pride.
She needs to spend more time in community. And that's

(05:36):
not just when you want to get fucked, that's every day.
You need more friends and people in your life of
various sexual and gender identities. And once you build your
life that way, you will spend more. You will automatically
have more shots at finding like sex and love and

(05:58):
things like that because you will be so rounded by options.
But first of all, let's get you dressed. Okay. This
is what you need to do, Miranda. You need to
you need you need to get on Google dot com okay,
and you need to google these words. Write this down.
White bitch with a county bob. That's what you need
to That's what you need to google. Okay, and then

(06:20):
click images. All right, so you see images. Now you
may see a picture of yourself there. Don't get scared.
You used to be a white bitch with a county bob. Okay.
But what I want you to do is I want
you to grab these pictures and put them on your
mood board. Use pinterest, use uh ah, good notes, use

(06:40):
use something okay. And I want you to grab pictures
of strong, hot white bitches with county bobs. Okay, and
I want you to and listen, this isn't about this
isn't this isn't about copying the outfits. It's about feeling

(07:01):
the vibes, okay. And I want you to rebuild your
wardrobe because I don't know why you're dressed like you're
dressed like a retired history teacher. I don't know what's
going on. You used to show up in a fucking
suit with a severe haircut and red lips and be like,

(07:24):
what's up, bitch? That's what I need because guess what.
A lot of us want to be mommied. Okay, A
lot of us do, all right. A lot of us
want Miranda Priestles that take us the fuck home, Okay,
all right, and that you can serve that. That's where listen,
we've been. There's a time to be then, Janu. There's
a time to be young and hot. There's a time

(07:45):
to be thirty one and know what you want and
stomping down the fucking sidewalk in your fucking shoes. There's
a time. There's a time to be Miranda Priestley. Okay,
and this is your time. This is it? Is it?
You need to let that hair need to be gray again.
I don't know what the fuck Miranda. I mean, Charlotte's

(08:06):
talking about you, get Miranda, stand the fuck up, Stand
the fuck up. I'm not saying that Rosie o'donald is
not cute enough for you. I'm saying is how did
you end up in bed with the virgin Mary None?
Hmmm hmm hmmm. Stand the fuck up, Miranda. And yeah,

(08:30):
I do get it that like we're gonna just kind
of a snob to be compleating. Fucking she's she's definitely
a New York City snob where she's like she's going
to Wicked and Tavern on the Green. Well, yeah, she's
from fucking Canada. She's visiting. She's a fucking tourist. She's
doing touristy shit. You know what y'all could do. You
could do shit with her. Also, you did not have
to go down there and meet her in fucking Times
Square to let her know that she is not what

(08:50):
you're interested in. No, you don't have to send it
my text, but you could have given her a call. Also, Miranda,
don't fucking play with me and act like you don't
know those songs to Wicked. Don't fucking play with me
all right. The sexual attention between Glenda and Alphaba top
fucking tier, all right, And this I know you're not
in your queer spaces, baby. This is why I know,
all right, because when they're singing unlimited but let me stop.

(09:16):
I have no business doing that. But when they're singing
to each other, look at your eyes, bitch, this is Miranda.
I'm giving you ten business days, ten fucking business days.
Stand the fuck up, all right, stand up? Well? Also,
where are the fuck are you in an airbnb? The
Brownstone sold you guys, got your money from it. Go

(09:40):
get a fucking apartment, Go get one an airbnb, Miranda,
Get a home, Get a home, get a fucking community,
get going, get some outfits, get a county ass bob,
all right that I don't like this this hair on you.
It's not sharp enough. Your bob should be sharp enough
to cut a bitch, okay, all right, and you walk

(10:01):
in there like you got a big dick, all right,
all right, Miranda, ten business days, ten motherfucking business days.
The only other thing I want to talk about is
I want to talk about Aiden and Carrie because they
make me so angry. They make me so fucking angry
when Carrie said, me and Aiden have been in each

(10:24):
other's lives a long time. No, the fuck you have it, bitch.
You work in each other's life a long time ago.
You have not been in each other's lives a long time.
There's a difference between that. He had a whole different
life in fucking Virginia making furniture and shit, I guess
he's so furniture. I don't know what the fuck you
doing there, butide like, where in Virginia are they? I'm
not saying that that when I see Aiden in that

(10:46):
old fucking truck in the middle of a field, that
can't be Virginia. That could be like Central VA. Sure,
I don't. Just like the kids on this show are
written by people who hate kids, who like fucking hate children.

(11:09):
Either they don't have any children, or their experience with
children is low, or they just fucking hate children, right,
and they think it's funny the person that the people
who are writing and and doing the set pieces for
Aiden are like, they drove through Amish country one time, Like,
I don't know if that's Aidan's life, but okay, whatever,

(11:29):
y'all are in charge. I'm not I'm at home on
the couch. All right, It's easy for me to criticize
a home on the couch, but the nerve of you
to get annoyed with the rest of us as you
live in a big house in gram Mercy, by the way,
is that the same? Is that? Where is that? Where

(11:52):
the people from from? What's the name of the show.
What's the name of the show? Fucking Miranda's on that
show too, you guys, Oh, it's a show. It's not
Doubt and i'd be it's something else. Oh time be rich?
What is it? Fuck calls? It's a show. I love.
It's going back to twenty second. I cannot remember the
name of the show. It's not those people live where
Christiane Baranski like like like basically stalks around saying people

(12:17):
are tacky? Is that where the people live? I don't know.
You live in this big ass house with the security
go being Carrie and fucking Aiden Karen. Aiden don't exist
because Aiden told you he needed five years for Wyatt
because Wyatt got drunk and high on some shrooms and
crashed a fucking car. I hate to be this person

(12:40):
because you know, and I go balls to the wall
for my fucking kids. I do what the fuck I
have to do before my kids and I personally, if
I was divorced, I don't believe I would need to
be in a relationship where I have to live with
you in like a traditional relationship. I think I can
fuck on the weekends. I think I can I can
have I'm I'm obviously not as old as these bitches,
but I'm old enough that I'm like, I don't think

(13:00):
I necessarily need a traditional pathway in a relationship. I
can be very like, we can just see each other.
I can have a lover instead of a boyfriend, and
like when I see we fucking, when we don't, we don't.
Actually it won't be a boyfriend, it would be a girlfriend.
But either way, Like, I feel like I can have
a love, okay, and so and so, Like I don't

(13:24):
think in aiden shoes I would be like, I definitely
gotta go be with Carrie. I wouldn't think that at all.
But what I would think is Carrie ain't got shit
to fucking do. Yeah, New York is her spock, but
she can't come down far. Three day weekend. We can't.
We can't trade weekends. You can't. You can't say this
three day weekend you come down and and I don't know,

(13:46):
driving around this old truck for some fucking reason. Why
would I be using this truck on this fucking farm,
driving around this old truck and stuff, while why it's
at his mom's house. And then next weekend is my
weekend with Wyat and the weekend after that, I come
up to me York for four days. It's not it's
not that long of a drive. I've made it all
the time. What's the problem? And if you liveing in
Central Virginia, it's closer the fuck. As a mother of teenagers,

(14:15):
I'm gonna tell you, sometimes they get drunk in high
and crash a car, okay, And that does not mean
that you have to change. It does mean that you
need like it's your job to care for them. It's
time to lock in. It does not mean that for
five fucking years, y'all can't speak to each other, and
yet you're sending fucking postcards with what hearts on it?

(14:38):
What the fuck, guys? And then what happens in five years?
What happens in five years? Why it's supposed to magically
turn eighteen? And then it doesn't matter anymore. No, you're
still gonna be his fucking father, Aiden, And maybe he's
gonna be on heroin. I don't know, But you still
can't be with Carrie because because why it's on heroin.
This is a meshment, this is codepend and see this

(15:00):
is a no. This is a no. You are to
be present as your as your as your father should be.
Obviously your love life does not does not take precedent
over your fatherhood, especially in this trying time. But this
idea that Carrie's supposed to wait for five years, Carrie's old, okay?

(15:22):
And so are you, bitch talking to you? Aiden? Y'all
are old. Y'all could die tomorrow. See what happened to
Big just fell out? I mean he was older and
carry But y'all are old. Y'all don't have five years.
Y'all might not have fifty days. None of us do.
None of us know when our numbers gonna get punched. No,
none of us know when it's time to hit the
other side. Okay, now serving Carrie Bradshaw. Time to die?

(15:50):
Oh I was waiting for eight or too bad? It's
time to go? Like this? Is it stupid? Stupid? It's
stupid old, it's dumb, Okay, and I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of her romanticizing you. Guys know, I think
Carrie Bradshaw's is a dumb bitch. Okay, I think she's

(16:11):
a Queen of the dumb bitches. I'm so fucking sick
at her, and I'm so sick of her being like girl,
I will tell you to stand up, but you don't
even fucking know how seriously you are in your fifties,
you have been married before, you are addicted to romance. Fine,

(16:32):
you do not have to, Like nobody's asking for aiden
to move to New York to be with you. This
is not necessary. You don't have to move to Virginia.
You literally could just do long weekends once maybe twice
a month and experience that and enjoy that time together.
And when you're not together, you're not together, and call
the day. What is happening here is some real dumb shit,

(16:55):
and I'm tired of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick.
I'm sick, I'm sicking this. I'm tired anything else I
wanna talk about real quick? Not really? Nicole is her
name Nicole? I think it's her real name, Nicole Parker.
I read now, Nicole, I read Parker. I don't know
she's she's feeling. She's looking a little fluffy in the face.

(17:16):
I think that's I think that's filler, and I I
she doesn't need it. She's always been like a little
on the thinner side, and so if her face got
a little thinner, that wouldn't like. I don't know, it's
not necessary for you to be pumped up like that baby,
pumped like the like the dolls. You don't need to
do all that. But why are you an important meetings?

(17:38):
And your phone is not on silent? So so your
husband you'll useless, says husband can call you, put your
phone on fucking silent, on silent, Okay. If it's an emergency,
you can't do shit about it in this meeting. You
would have to call him afterwards. If it's not an emergency,
you definitely don't need to be answering the phone call

(17:59):
in this meeting. And I'm gonna be honest, I'm on
the dumb husband's side. Baby. If I call you and
you answer and you're like, I'm actually in a meeting?
What suck? Did you answer the phone? Man? I'm actually
I can't talk to you right now then don't answer
the phones so I can leave a message. Bitch. Annoyed, annoyed,
Stand up, baby, stand up. And finally, one last start

(18:21):
I've had on in his last two episodes? Why are
lilyan rock not funny? They grew up with Harry as
a dad doing dad jokes and dad things, and he's
a soft motherfucker. And I don't understand how you can
have a soft dad like that and not. I don't know.

(18:47):
They don't vibe with him. It's because the writers hate children,
or hate teenagers at the very least. Fine, it's fine,
like that's the world they're creating there. But with Harry
as your dad, you're telling me that Lily is not

(19:09):
a daddy's girl. You're telling me Lily doesn't riff with
him with these dad jokes. Get the fuck out of here, Yes,
she dish she would, especially Rockwood. I don't get it.
I don't get it. I don't fucking get it. And
I'm not gonna blame Charlotte. I refuse. Charlotte didn't do

(19:29):
anything wrong. Well, she let that lady talk to her
about that dog. You know, my mother is a demon,
a straight up motherfucking terrorist. Okay, but she's taught me
a few things in this world. And one of the
things she's always taught me is that people can't talk
to me unless I let him, and the idea that
woman will start yelling at me and my dog and
I'm gonna stop and learrk it. I keep walking. I

(19:53):
keep walking. She had to yell down the street because
I'm not talking to you. I don't even know what
this is and I can't get involved in it. The
way I would have kept walking past this bitch. She
would have had to confind me to talk to me.
I'm not absolutely not. First of all, your energy's off
all the fucking together as you approach me. I'm over
here chilling, and you come over here with that yin

(20:14):
yang okay, and then you're all hysterical over that ugly
ass dog of yours, and then you and then you
can't see and you're trying to convince me, and then
then my dog's canceling. Shit. Baby. She would have had
to confind me to tell me that shit, because if
you start talking to me crazy, I will just start
keep walking. Anyway. She need to We need some gangs

(20:37):
to Charlotte up in here, and she needs to put
it on them fucking kids. That's what she needs to do.
Elie's all my fucking nerves. I'm still mad about the
We were decided to have sex and we don't have condoms,
and you gotta get it, rut. I'm gonna do without
a condoms. Go ahead, ruin your fucking life, not mine.
Go ahead, go the fucking head, Go the fucking head, Lily,

(20:59):
go ahead. I'm not going if you're old enough to
take that dick, you're old enough to go walking into
fucking condoms. And also, I mean to be hones Charlotte,
she already given her condoms. You don't tell people use
a helmet all the time, and then this is the
last season or maybe a season before, I don't know.
You don't tell your children use a helmet and then

(21:19):
be like, but I don't have a helmet to give.
You gotta go find one. No, you say you need
to wear a helmet on this fucking bike. Here's your helmet.
You need to use condoms. Here are the condoms. Okay,
that's what you do. But I mean, but you not.
I don't wangotiate with terrorists, Lily, And then, but you
wouldn't have done that, to me anyway, because by this
point in your life you would have known I don't
fucking negotiate with terrorists, all right, I am a terrorist.

(21:42):
I don't negotiate with terrorists. So when you would have said,
do it. If not, I'm gonna have up predicted sex.
I don't been like, all right, Lily, let me know
how Comtia treat you or where she yet, let me
know when the babies do okay, and we can play
chicken all day? Hey, oh that will embarrass you in
your friend. No, one won't want to embarrass me and

(22:04):
my and my live in Parker. I don't know where
things are wherever they live Avenue with friends. I'd be like,
well embarrass me, you're wrong. I'll take chicken with you
all motherfucking day long, baby, everywhere we go out. Now
you're pregnant every fucking where we go, and people are like, oh,

(22:25):
she's prempant Like yeah, I'm surprised too. I don't fuck
with me. I do not negotiate with fucking terrorists. But again,
she would have never done that to me because she
would have learned that when she was six years old.
I don't negotiate with terrorists. Oh you don't want to
wear your coat, I'm not arguing with you. Don't wear it,
then we walking down fifth Avenue? Is that a place avenue?

(22:49):
Your coat is shit and it's fucking snow, and I'm
walking right next to you. Hold your hand. I'm telling
you make sure you tell people your mommy told you
to put that fucking coat on. No. Six is a
little young. I probably would have brought the coat and
give it to her she needed it. But twelve, definitely
you're allowed to. If you don't want to coke, then
I'm not gonna then Who the fuck am I to
tell you to wear a coat. Let's see how you
feel at your next time you put one on, anyway,

(23:13):
and then when you're fucking seventeen, I'm not. I'm not
running around in the snow looking for fucking condos. I'm
old as shit. I don't even have I'm in menopause
and shit, and I'm out here looking for birth control?
Are you fucking crazy? Doesn't have anything else to say
about the show, Not at the moment. I will watch

(23:33):
more episodes. I will be mad four times. I'm so
fucking mad about to skate it. Got carrying eighty shit
to spend it. You are too old to spend the
block like this, too fucking old. Stop it, stop it, Seema,
Why did you even get in that van? Why would
you even do that? Sema? And I love the I

(23:53):
appreciate that the writers said I don't do vans. I
don't do cool ranch potato chips or door reteols or whatever.
And but at least I say I tried. She did try,
but like girl, also too old for this and not.
And again, when I'm telling people they're too old, I'm
not saying you're too old you're going to go lay
down and die, okay, I'm saying you've been through too

(24:17):
many experiences for you not to know. You don't want
to be in that fucking van. I know I don't
want to be in a van, and I'm not nearly
as old as you are, and I already know I
don't want to go in a van. He could have.
He could have went and looked for for locations and
then come and picked me up. I could have been
stood up and disappointed in the comfort of my own
motherfucking home. That's where I could have been, Okay, And

(24:38):
it just Seema, you don't have to learn lessons two, three,
four or four fucking times. You already know you didn't
want to be in a van. The moment he the
moment he was like, come on, we gotta go and
we gotta get in the van, I'd be like, oh no,
I don't nah, but not baby, you don't have to
call me. I'll meet you at the place you have
to call me. And then I would have went there

(24:58):
and if he didn't show up, I would have ordered
an eat and then I would have went home and
his shit would have been on the front port, on
the front porch, on the stoop. That's where it would
have been. Okay, I'm not, I'm not, it's too much. Well,
he loves me. I mean people people say anything. People
people say they love you all the time, and what
they really mean is that I want you. I like

(25:19):
having you around. Having you around is a good look
for me. That's what they mean. People say I love you,
what they mean is I want to fuck you, which
is fine, just say you wanna fuck me. But come on,
come on, all right, I think you need to start
talking about celebrity fit club. Stand up, Miranda, stand up,

(25:41):
and I want to see you at ten businesses. I
want to see a new outfit on your ass. I
don't want to see this ship. I want angles. I
don't want to bob sharp enough to cut a bitch.
That's what I want. Let your hair go back to
fucking gray. God damn it, it doesn't have to. I
just find I think that if she I know, Tan

(26:04):
France says he doesn't die his hair, but whatever, whatever,
if he did that, Miranda Priestley white hair, Tan France
has great like low lights and highlights and gray. If
you I mean, it's expensive, Okay, you're gonna be maintaining
that shit. But if you did that, let your grey
grow out and do the highlights and the low lights
and do all the shit and do all the things.
I don't know the terms. I'm not a hair fucking hairdresser, guys,

(26:26):
but if you did that, I think you would look
so different, like Miranda's trying to fit in when you
she was meant to stand out, like stand the fuck out. Okay, anyway,
let's talk about Celebrity Fit Club. They were on season seven,
episode two, It's called The Warrior with Then they are

(26:48):
riding to boot camp and I'm like, okay, so are
we clear? Is this a weekend thing. Is it clear
that you guys didn't stay at boot Camp all week?
I but that said, when it comes to production, regardless
of what they're saying on the screen, I just don't
see how production, like how efficient that would be for production.
I feel like it would be more of how we

(27:09):
know RuPaul's drag Race goes, and that it would be
like three days of work, one day off for the
crew and therefore the contestants and three days on three
days like that. That's what it would make sense in
terms of money for production, right and efficiency and these things.

(27:29):
But the show wants us to think that, like they
come to boot Camp like Friday and Saturdays and Sunday
is the is the is the It's a way in.
That's what they want us to think. Tenisean's telling everyone
they look better, you know, they look better. Everyone's looking better.
I guess for this four day died or whatever. And

(27:51):
Sebastian said he had to use extra loops he's lost weight.
They are going to a lake Anthonis. You can't swim,
and the cole says you can swim. Anybody can swim.
I'm like, Nicole, are you fucking drunk? What do you mean,
anybody can swim. She are you saying that, like anybody

(28:13):
has the ability of swim, like they can be talked
to swim. I do think that's true. I mean, I
think you need legs and arms probably, but I guess
even if you didn't have any arms and legs you
could float. Maybe maybe not the mechanics are floating or
I don't know if I if I if I have
them all down. But then she says, trust me, I'm
a lifeguard, and so I'll bust out laughing and say, okay,

(28:33):
you're joking, all right, cool, cool cool. Char's back is
still messed up. Sebastian has a growing pool, and Harvey
says that pain is telling you to sit your dumb
ass down. I'm like, okay, Harvey, could you just say, hey,
we've got some injured players today. Why are you talking
to me like that? Harvey? Is that necessary? Is that

(28:55):
even your real voice? Shut your dumb ass down? Is
that your real voice, Harvey? Is it how you speak
to your children? Hey, baby, daddy wants to take your tickets?
Is that how you speak to people all the time?
Are you like that in bed? Like well, some people
might like it in bed. I don't know. I haven't
reading a lot of munt so maybe Tanisha is like,

(29:18):
am I gonna be able to cover my Wii? Because
it's very expensive and they don't look expensive, Tanisha. I mean,
it's twenty ten, but it don't look expensive. It look thin.
It looks a little thing. You need some more bundles.
I don't know. But they give her a cap and
I'm happy for because even if she only paid ten
dollars for that, she does me. It's her ten dollars
hers to decide how to use it. So what do

(29:42):
they gotta do? They gotta take. They're at a beach,
the lake. I don't like calling uh, the dirt next
to a lake a beach. I don't like calling it that.
I believe that that should be reserved for the dirt
next to an ocean. But that's just me. So they're
on the beach and what they have to do is
they have these little rafts, like inflatable rafts, and because

(30:07):
two people from each team are out, we've got four
that three people on each team are gonna go on
the rite. They gotta paddle it into the middle of
the lake where there's like a platform of some sort
and a man is on there being aggie, and he's
gonna fight you, and you gotta fight through him. And

(30:27):
there's a there's a dummy in a strapped or clipped
to a chair, and you gotta get that dummy. Fight
the aggie man, get that dummy, get back in the
boat and row it back. And then once you get out,
you've got fire hoses, which immediately I was like triggered,
like like suddenly, I'm like, you know, think about Martin

(30:54):
Luther King and the March on Washington and shit like stressful.
And so they've got these firehole is that they're gonna
throw at you while they try you try to drag
the dummy and the raft to this like X okay,
So the Blue team goes first, Right, you got Tanisha,

(31:14):
Kevin and Casey. All right, So Tanisha, they get her
in the boat. It takes a while because she can't
swim and she's in the back just like hunch down
the ball. I mean, he is dragging down this is
a little rye. They get on over I don't even
think she's I honestly don't even think she was like
hitting them oars. They get on over there, she stays
in the boat. Kevin and Casey get out fight the

(31:37):
aggie man unclipped the little thing. It takes a minute.
They get thrown in the water and shit, and then
they get back in there and they get back the
fire hoses hit them. Kevin's pants go straight to the ground.
Where's your belt? Kevin, where's your belt? All right? Go
straight to the bout. His white ass is all over
the fucking screen that they blur it, but still is
over there. And that's not what I was looking for today,

(31:58):
But that's what I got. So you know, I'm still here.
I'm still alive. For the Red team. While they're watching
the Red team, got to watch the Blue team. So
the Red team and I feel like the Red team
should have went first because they have more points, Like
why wouldn't they go first? But okay, so the Red Team,
Nicole has the idea, did not uncook the dummy at all,
just grab the chair and the dummy and just go

(32:19):
and make it faster. So that's what they do, and
it did make them faster. But I think they also
kind of dragged the chair, Like why isn't the chair
in the boat with you? That's sold them down. A bit,
and then they got dragged down. They got slowed down
rowing the wrong way, and every time they were on
the wrong way, Jay was hitting the coal in the
fucking head with the oar. She need an MRI or something.
We need to check on on her because she got
hitting that head with that fucking or three, four or

(32:42):
five times. Okay, she got a big knot in the
back of her head. I know she does. And then
Bobby's pants come down during with the hose too. Again,
where's your belt, Bobby? He said, the blackest booty on earth?
I said, Okay, okay, Bobby, whatever, y'all get some belts.
And in the end, the Red team wins by about
twenty seconds. So like, now we gotta choose the dead weight. Now,

(33:07):
Tanisha is upset. She's like, I let my team do.
I feel like killing myself. And I'm like, Tanisha, far
be it for me to be like those are just
intrusive thoughts. But they we're a little to hype right now.

(33:27):
It's just a it's just a smitch too hype. It
is smitche too hyped right now. Okay, calm down. She
is a dead weight and she ends up having to
fill fifty sandbags and move them along the beach. She
does that, she drops from the sand falls out. There
is a tie the top, Tanisha, you could have filled.
You could have sat and filled like ten sand bags,

(33:48):
tied them and then carried them over in this and
ye and then come back and do ten by breaking
up the work, it's thus monotonous. She does say she's
never going to beach again. And I was like, you
know what, not a bad idea? Okay? Uh? She and she,
but she did say fit camp is too hard, even

(34:09):
if you were trained athlete to be too hard. I
don't know if that's true. I don't know. If we
got the the guys that just sit around waiting for
the challenge every fucking year, I don't know if it
would be too hard for them. I don't know. So
Ronda Life Coach invites them all to a bonfire that
night to talk about their past. They all have to
bring some people from home they want to leave behind.
Kfed brought a forty inch waistline Dickie Shorts. He says

(34:30):
he has so many of them, he never thought he
had that waistline. Ronda says that people perceived him as
having it easy, and he says that's not true. He's
had to fight through a lot of things. And it's like,
I think Kevin's probably not right. Any grew up in
like Bagger's Field, Like isn't that like a dump? I
don't know, as people say, And when I used to
watch Girlfriends that Tony goes from Baggersfield us to talk
about it like like she climbed up from a fucking sewer.

(34:54):
I don't know. Is Baker's Field like just bullshit? Like
y'all tell me. But here's the thing. When they perceive
Kevin is having it easy, what they perceive is that
Kevin left shar to get with Brittany for a paycheck,
like like like as a mooch. And now because Brittany
was incapable of being like the primary parent, Kevin has

(35:19):
the kids full time and therefore benefits from a sizeable
portion of well it's not it is sizable, but it's
in it's the correct portion of Britney's income to help
raise the kids. But in that case, he doesn't really work,
or at least that's not what I knew. I mean,
I guess this is a job right now, but this

(35:40):
is not necessarily what people will call work. That's what
the perception is. It's not that he's never had to
struggle through anything. It's that he hit a lick and
now he's just coasting. Nicole Port of Tabloid and she
says she saw it on Thursday. She wanted to get

(36:00):
fit so people won't say won't say that how fat
she is anymore. I don't know, like they're gonna find
something else to talk about you, Nicole, So maybe get
fit for yourself. Buy Brown agrees and says that public
figures are humans too. I agree. I think I think
that we are talking about humans, but also we're talking
about brands, right, Like, you can't have it both ways.

(36:23):
You can't be a brand and also be a human.
And also you you expect us to speak about you
when you want us to and not when you don't
want us to. I do think people can be vicious
and they can forget that we're talking about human beings.
But I also, like, I don't know, I don't have
a lot. I don't have a lot of empathy for
celebrities and and people who put themselves out as content,

(36:47):
being sad that people discuss them like content. I talked
about this set in my bonus episode this week because
I was doing uh, Couple's Therapy, which is a show
I like to watch on Showtime again it got back
last week or the week before, and the subreddit for
that show acts as if we are watching training videos

(37:10):
to be therapists. No, this isn't. This is for entertainment value,
and we can be like like we should and try
to be like, you know, tactful when because these are
people and they are bringing their real problems to Orna
the therapist or whatever. She is like a very good therapist.
The fact that she's on TV is uh, I don't know,

(37:34):
I can see how that makes you feel differently, but
she but in real life she's a very good therapist.
But pretending like this is not that, Like, like, the
whole point of them making this content is not for
us to talk about. Its crazy. And the same when
I talk about things on this show, I talk about

(37:55):
the content that I'm consuming. I also talk about myself sometimes.
I throw my own personal store is in there. And
if I don't want people to talk about my personal stories,
then I don't need to talk about them on the podcast.
Now do I have to care about people's opinions on
my personal stories. No, I don't have to give a
fuck about that, But saying people aren't allowed to have

(38:15):
an opinion and yet also pay me Patreon dollars, it's crazy.
And I feel the same way about Bobby. I do
think tabloids are mean, but also you want us to
talk about you, you need us to talk about you.
Bobby brings some red and yellow snake skinned vinyl pants.
Sebastian says those pants like you could snort them, and Sebastian,

(38:39):
I know, well two things Sebastian said this episode. First
was that Tanisha worked so hard she's never even been
in a boat. Did Tenisa tell you that, Sebastian, because
I failed to believe that Tanisa's never on a booze cruise.
Tanis's never on a I know blowing on a cruise
boat is very different than going to a little raf.

(39:01):
But has Tenisia never been in a boat? I don't know.
Tanisha gives me Haitian Tanisia gives me like her family
from Haiti, so like just the way she her accent
her facial features. She I believe I could get like
between one and two generations back and somebody from there

(39:25):
was from Haiti. I don't know. Maybe she got here
on a boat. I don't fucking know. Do you know, Sebastia.
I was a little worried about that, but when he
said you could snort them fucking pants, I was like,
Sebastian went back on the same team. You can snort
those pants. And Bobby was like, I had to be high.
He don't remember buying the pants. He had to be
high buying them. And I agree with that too. I
agree you need to check them pockets. They probably got
cocaine in them. Use Tanisha brought a chain she was

(39:51):
wearing when she had brought she had taken a friend
and like let a friend live with her, and the
friend got pregnant by her fiance, and Tanisha was wearing
this shame when she found it together and Spass. The
f M is saying, spaz out appropriate. I don't think
it is. I think it. Yeah, I don't need to
say it. Let's let's go back a bit. She found

(40:14):
them and got wild, okay, and got arrested. Okay. You know,
she throws the necklace in the fire and starts screaming
and running. It's like, leave me alone. I didn't know.
I didn't know Ronda was walking behind her, like you
do with a toddler having a temper change from going.
You didn't know, you didn't know. It's okay, it's all right. Tanisha,

(40:39):
Tanisha and a bunch of people get up run over there.
Actually it was all the Blue teen except for Kevin
ran over there. Kevin was like, I'm tired, I can't
but I felt the same. I would have been like, Tenisa,
what is this? Why are you screaming like that? Jay
brought a huge scarf that he wore all last winter.
He was kind of hiding und her, and he talks
a lot about being gay, growing up gay, and having

(41:00):
to hide that. He says he's never talked about his
homosexuality ever, ever, not even with other homosexuals you have
sex with. What are you talking about? Okay? I like
him to say more about that. I like him to
say more. Casey and Sebastian brought shorts and jeans like

(41:20):
Casey talks about when she hit two hundred pounds and yea,
yeah yeah uh. Sear Jackson brought a waste center she
wears under everything. Okay, So the next time we see them.
The Harvey wakes them up and they get it, does

(41:44):
the same thing you did the first time, and they
get to where he needs them to be in ten seconds.
I'm like, because they were pre woking up. They're pre
woking up, that's why, which is what should happen. So
they go to the field and there's a man named
sin Say Peter there. Sin Say Peter is a white
man in some sort of robe with a katana. When
he speaks, he has some sort of accent. Is it German,

(42:05):
is it Italian? I'm not sure. He doesn't speak very much.
All I know is white. Sin st Peter is there
to teach them how to hit things or cut things.
He does do a demonstration where he plays fruit ninja
with some various watermelons and pumpkins that are there. I
wish you could see my face. I don't know what
to say about this. I have no idea what to

(42:26):
say about about since Peter. I don't. I don't. I
don't know what I'm looking at, but I don't know
what's happening here. Should I google sen Say Peter? No,
because what am I gonna find? No? So you know,
they then use some sticks to beat dummies on sticks,

(42:48):
and Sebastian says he's taking shaolin kung fu in the past.
Look at what you could do when you got too
much time on your hands. And he demonstrates the he's
very good at because he breaks his stick up, and
they were like, tell me what the what the emotion
is behind this. Harvey is like, watch the emotion behind
this man, and SMA, I's just like, I don't like

(43:11):
let my team down, sir, because you got a groin pool.
I don't sure. Then you do some sparring like partner
sparring like the montage and movel on. What do you do?
Make a man out of you? You must be sweet,
that's us. That's the whole thing I was seeing as

(43:32):
they were like spark because they're lying up sparing together.
It's mysterious. It's the great side of the moon. Like
that's I was like, okay, okay, it's mysterious as a
dark side of the moon. All right, I see it,
all right? Cool, And since Saint Peter's just walking through them,

(43:56):
like yeah, get them, get them? Sorry, I was like,
who shot this? Who edited? And why didn't you edit?
Donnie Osmond singing beyuh man, you you do that, okay.

(44:28):
That night, Bobby Brown and the Collar at the cabin
or at the you know, the barracks, so whatever y'all
want to call it. Drinking beer, Bobby Brown is drinking
glasses of Vodkaup by the glass and beer, and eventually
he's drunk, and Sebastian says, listen, I heard he's like
the night before we found out Bobby's been sober for
three years. I guess alcohol doesn't count. Now here's the thing.

(44:50):
Maybe for Bobby it doesn't because some people, like people people,
when they say sober, it's often shortened for a sober
from their drugg choice, like Bobby's like, I've been doing
pcpace I was fourteen years old, Buddy, A couple of
beers is for me. And like, whereas I want to
be like, no, you probably should stop drinking too, Bobby,
I also want to say, like, yeah, maybe Bobby Brown.

(45:13):
Bobby Brown fried chicken and cocaine one time when he
was a kid, like and ate it like I was
to say Corner Hill, because I think he'd be lying.
He also fucked the ghost. Remember he fuck a white
woman ghost. He wants to know it was a white woman,
So I just like I wanted. I'm like, yeah, you

(45:36):
should probably should stop drink, especially if you're trying to
lose weight. But also I'm like, I don't know. I
feel like Bobby Brown's like smoking weed through a human skull.
Like I just like, I just feel like a couple
of beers isn't gonna Sorry guys, so sorry, I just

(45:56):
like you about drugs. Bobby Brown is Dune and y'all
over here talking about how don't drink the glass of vodka.
I think it'll be fine. I think it'll be fine.
Weigh in time, and this is the first weigh in
with the expection of weight loss, so it's a little
different than the other ones. Jay had a goal of

(46:18):
four pounds but lost seven. His food journal says he
followed the four day diet to the letter. Next week,
they want Jay without his red lens's glasses. Are those prescription?
I thought it was a prescription. Are those not prescription?
I guess they're just red sunglasses. Next week is goal
is four pounds. Tanise, she had a goal of five
pounds and she lost four pounds. She's upset about that,
but everyone else feels like she's on the right track.

(46:39):
I do too. I mean, what the helly? You know?
With the hellyante and you four pounds is a lot
in a week. Harvey tells her not to worry about
it and gives her a five pound goal. Casey has a
goal of four pounds. She lost three. Also not happy.
Her wedding was nine months ago and she was one
sixty five at her wedding. She apparently gained fifty pounds

(47:02):
since then. Fifty pounds and nine months is a lot
of weight, and there's a question about like, like I
understand I'm watching a shitty weight loss show, but I
have a question about how what happened? Like what was
going on that she gained fifty pounds in nine months?
I mean, I don't feel like that's just so like
I stopped working out. I feel like that's more of
a something happened and like let's talk about that. But

(47:24):
they don't. Next week the go is four pounds. Hey
fed was supposed to be five pounds and he lost six. Uh.
Rhonda the Life Coach says that the tableat Attention has
made him put up a shell a shield, and that
he's like he doesn't He's like, yeah, I don't get
to talk about things the way I want to, because
it's a problem. I'm sure. Does he have some sort

(47:45):
of NDA going on, Like wouldn't his custody have something that, like,
you can't be saying shit like that. I think that
would be necessary. I don't know. Harvey said. Last week
Kevin was a hot, fat mess. All right, Harvey, that's
very inspirational. And this week he's all about it. Kevin

(48:08):
is happy. He got a four pound week, a four
pound goal for next week. Sebastian was supposed to do
four pounds. He lost to four pounds. He started screaming,
screaming the diet. His diet was awful though, and he
drank a bottle of wanted and he's like, I just
like a nice bottle. I like a nice glass of
wine at the end of the day. And they were like, okay,

(48:28):
have a glass, but not a bottle. A bottle's four
four and a half glasses. Okay. He Carvey calls him
Little Shoulin and tells him I just sat tells him

(48:50):
next week, lose four pounds. Nicole met her goal of
three pounds. They don't think she's eating enough, though, when
they look at her journal, they say she's She says,
she's not hungry. I'm just a little girl. I'm just
not hungry. And they tell her she needs to one
and a half meals a day, and they tell her
she's got to eat, and apparently she's drinking a lot
and not eating. That's where the weight's coming from, the drinking.

(49:10):
And they asked her if she could extend from alcohol
for three months. She's like absolutely. I was like, okay,
oh that's a no. I thought she said it. I
was like, I don't think so, but okay, I'm just
saying what I think is gonna happen. She got a
goal of three pounds and to eat. Okay. Shar Jackson

(49:31):
hit her three pounds goal, and Ronda says she hasn't
acknowledge Kevin at all. Really, I don't think that's true.
And the fact is I've seen them sitting next to
each other quite a bit. They don't She's not on
the other side of the room from him, and she mentionally,
she's like, I talked to Kevin all the time. We
have two kids together, right, they're doing They're doing like
custody shit. They're they're doing kids stuff, coparing and stuff.
They talk all the time, but she says she doesn't

(49:53):
like to do too much of it because like he
was at her birthday party last year, they talked. She
was that he was literally at her birthday party and
they hugged, and then in the tabloids for weeks it
was that they were getting back together and they're like, well,
do you want to get back together? And she was like, no,
I'm good. I would be good too, And if this
was Carrie, she'd be like, we could try again. No

(50:16):
you can't, No, you fucking can't. So yeah, like they
want her to talk more about this. I feel so
annoyed for Shar at this point because she has talked
about it, and like like if I could guess, if

(50:38):
I had to suppose, what happened. They got Kevin on
this show and then they asked Shar to be on
the show. Like I don't know if I said this
last last week, if I was wondering if they were surprised.
I don't think they were surprised. They have two kids together,
Like where are the fucking kids they That has to
be like they knew they were gonna be on the
show together, and I just feel like they want she's

(51:01):
already talked about it. He hasn't talked about it. That's
who hasn't talked about it. He's talked about being in tabloids.
He's talked about he used to be a dancer, he
used to be fit. He didn't know he was gonna
be this big. He has not talked about what happened
with him in shar He is not talked about it.
And yet they're they're like, well, you didn't acknowledge Kevin.
Yah blah blah. She's acknowledging Kevin, just like she's acknowledging

(51:23):
everybody else. She's just not arguing with Kevin. And I
think that's what they wanted. They wanted her to see
Kevin and start crying and fall out on the ground
and stuff. I see Kevin, I want him to say,
purpos out, That's what I want him to do. But
that's me because I just feel like if you go
with something like that, then you gotta say it for
the rest of your life. But that's just me. But

(51:43):
if he was saying, I'd be like, you gotta let
that go. So you know what, damn people do. Damned
if you don't, you can't, You can't please me. So
she's got a three pound goal for next week. Bobby
Brown lost a pound. He was supposed to lose three.
He didn't do the journal. They were like, what did
you he said what everybody else said. They were like, no,

(52:05):
we don't think so. And he's like, well, I have
some fish and they're like, fish isn't gonna do this
to her? Well, I don't know. Was it a fish fry? Like,
we don't know so, but he was drinking at home.
He definitely was drinking at home. He had a few beers.
They said that means he had six last week. I

(52:26):
don't know. He might have had twelve, guys, I don't don't.
I mean, we're talking Aboubby Brown here. And then he
also drank at boot camp, which is everyone. I mean,
it really is interesting, like we're on a weight loss show.
We're only they're only there for like one night. Yeah,
I think one night and if if you can't not

(52:50):
drink that night, I don't, I don't know. Harvey says
that what he ate what he drank the two beers
in the glass of vodka, which he did admit to,
and he said it like, I had a cup of vodka.
What are you talking about what he ate. What he drank,

(53:12):
there was enough calories to to take back like what
he lost during the exercise. I was like, oh OK.
He's like yeah, but I could drink. I could take
a lot more. He's talking about his tolerance and they're like, girl,
I'm not give a fuck about your tolerance, like his tolerance. Love.
I've been Bobby Brown could drank. But they're saying in

(53:34):
terms of calories, like you don't need them. So during
the total Red has lost seven point six percent and
weight in ten point five percent body fat. Blew has
lost seven point six percent weight and eight point seven
body fat. So Red is winning overall. Individually, Nicole is winning.

(53:56):
That makes sense. She is the smallest of the person.
She's the least fat of all of them. She's not
actually not, she's just smaller, like she's just next week
will be back and the coal will continue drinking. I
think the coal. I think it might be more than
what we think it is with the coal. And they'll

(54:19):
have dogs chasing them through an obstacle course for what reason,
I don't know, but we'll have to see. Guys, if
you are a member of the Patreon, you are you
got a Princess Diaries episode yesterday. You got an episode
on Couple's Therapy on Thursday. You will get a bonus
episode this Thursday, even though I will be out of town.

(54:40):
It's likely gonna be on the State of of Sister Wives.
And I'll see you guys next week for another free episode. Okay,
if you're not in the Patreon, all right, okay later.

(55:00):
The Pia Hapen, the galling in the plan,