August 22, 2025 • 28 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
In just a moment X minus one. But first, how
does one man get himself into so many impossible situations? Well,
this is a question you'll probably ask yourself tomorrow night
when you follow another hilarious misadventure of Throckmorton p Guildersleeve. Yes,
Guildy's I for the ladies and his impulsive temperament managed
to entangle him in a web of riotous circumstances. Be
(00:21):
sure to join the romantic water Commissioner, his neighbors, Judge Hooker,
mister Peevie, and all the loyal Guildersleeve household as they
romp through another episode of the Great Guildersleeve tomorrow night.
And I'll stay tuned for X minus one on NBC.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
X minus one salutes our Philadelphia station. It's new call
letters w RCV.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Condom for blast off X minus.
Speaker 4 (00:50):
Five four three two X minus one Fire from the
(01:22):
far horizons of the unknown, come transcribed tales of new
dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the
future adventures in which you'll live in a million, could
be years, on a thousand, maybe worlds. The National Broadcasting Company,
in cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction Magazine, resents.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
HE minus one.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
On Tonight's story. Skulking Permit by Robert.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
August sixteenth, here twenty two oh four two Central Colonial
Administrative Authority Alpha Centaury Sector from Colonial Contact Inspector thirty
seven subject Planet New Delaware. Following the procedure outline and
manual for Contact with Lost Colonies. Open communication by Interstellar.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
Radio with New Delaware.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
This is the first contact established in two hundred years
and proceeding on overdrive for personal investigation. Situation on New
Delaware appears unconventional to say the least.
Speaker 6 (02:49):
Hi, Hi there, Hi, Billy.
Speaker 7 (02:52):
Hi, Tom, got no time for talking this morning. Gotta
get this sign up.
Speaker 8 (02:57):
It's real pretty sign. No allowed within city limits. What's
an alien?
Speaker 5 (03:02):
Beats me?
Speaker 7 (03:03):
The mayor told me to put it up, he says
to me, Billy Painter, you're chief of police, so I
want you to paint me a big sign and set
it right in front of the town hall.
Speaker 8 (03:12):
Aliens, aliens, it's real, pretty word, Billy, Billy Painter.
Speaker 7 (03:17):
I thought I told you may get easy, Mayor. I
put the sign up. It's not that it's the church.
I painted it just like you told me.
Speaker 6 (03:24):
I know, I know, but you painted it wrong. I
painted that church with a nice bright red. What's wrong
with that?
Speaker 5 (03:29):
I looked it up.
Speaker 9 (03:30):
It's a little red school house, not church house. Churches
are supposed to be white.
Speaker 7 (03:34):
Can't keep track of the mall, schoolhouse, church house, jail,
post office. Got along fine enough in you Delaware for
two hundred years without.
Speaker 9 (03:42):
Them, I know, I know, but we need them now
and we haven't got much time.
Speaker 8 (03:45):
Where are the carpenter boys? I saw Sam and Marv
over de Beer's tavern.
Speaker 9 (03:48):
Well, Billy, you go down there and tell them that
they've got to build us a little schoolhouse, and you
paint it red. It's very important.
Speaker 6 (03:54):
The mayor.
Speaker 7 (03:54):
When do I get a police chief badge? I read
that a police chief always gets a bag may careself?
Speaker 6 (04:00):
Why now go on?
Speaker 5 (04:01):
All right there?
Speaker 8 (04:02):
Oh sure it's hot here. I don't know why the
inspector couldn't have come and winter. Oh Tom Fisher, Yeah, Tom,
I've got a job for you, a very important job.
Speaker 6 (04:11):
But now look, Mayor, I'm on vacation.
Speaker 8 (04:13):
Fish won't be back in these waters, no vacation, not now.
Speaker 9 (04:16):
He's due any day. Tom, How would you like to
be a criminal?
Speaker 6 (04:21):
I don't know what's a criminal? Well, come over to
my house. And I'll explain.
Speaker 9 (04:25):
I've got to appoint a criminal. And it looks to
me like you're red. You don't mind sitting right next
to the interstellar radio, do you. I'm waiting for a call.
Speaker 6 (04:39):
Thought that thing was broken.
Speaker 9 (04:40):
No, no, it wasn't broken. My father told me always
to leave the monitor on recording in case. Just didn't
seem to be anybody calling, Not for two hundred years,
not since that war back on Earth.
Speaker 6 (04:49):
Oh it's time. Huh. You just listened to him. They
said that they would call just at this time.
Speaker 10 (04:57):
You Delaware?
Speaker 5 (04:58):
You Delaware? Do you hear me? You Delaware?
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Come in immediately, Yes.
Speaker 6 (05:02):
Yes, yes, we hear you. He's very touching.
Speaker 5 (05:05):
This is Colonial Inspector thirty seven.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
As I told you in my broadcast yesterday, there's been
no contact with the other colonies for some centuries due
to unsettled conditions here. But that's over, except for a
little mopping up. New Delaware is still a colony of
Earth and subject to her laws.
Speaker 5 (05:22):
Do you acknowledge that status?
Speaker 8 (05:24):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (05:24):
Yes, we called a town meeting last night and talked
it all over. We're still loyal to Earth.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Excellent. That saves us the trouble of sending an expeditionary
force to reconquer you. However, as colonial contact Inspector, I
will be obliged to make a personal investigation to make
sure that you conform fully to the customs, institutions, and
traditions of Imperial Earth.
Speaker 6 (05:48):
Imperial that's funny. All the books talk about Earth as
a united democracies, and a lot can change in two
hundred years, And of course there has been a war.
Speaker 5 (05:55):
Do you hear me, New Delaware?
Speaker 6 (05:57):
Oh, yes, yes, sir, we hear you.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
You realize, of course, there is room for only one
intelligence species in the universe. Man, all of us must
be suppressed, wiped out. We can tolerate no aliens.
Speaker 6 (06:10):
I'm sure you understand, General, I'm not a general. I'm
a mayor in charge, aren't you? Yes?
Speaker 11 (06:14):
Yes, And you're a general.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
I'll be sure you're running an Earth colony, General, with
no radical departures from the norm suches, free will, free speech,
free elections, or anything else on the proscribed list. It
is impossible to administer an empire where everyone does as
he pleases. Get your colony and order, General, I will
call to inspect you in exactly one week.
Speaker 9 (06:39):
That is all, Well, you see how it is. Tom, Now, Tom,
about your job. I'm appointing you town criminal. I don't
see why there has to be a criminal. That's a
very important part of Earth society. All the books say so, Tom.
The criminal is as important as the postman, or of
the police chiefs. He works against society. If you don't
have people working against society, how can you people working
(07:00):
for it? How can there be any more important job.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
I don't want to do it.
Speaker 9 (07:05):
I'll be reasonable, Tom, put yourself in my position. This
inspector comes and he meets Billy Painter, our police chief.
He asked to see the jail, and he says, no prisoners.
How can I hold my head up and tell him
that we don't have any crime? No crime, you'll say,
but Earth colonies always have crime.
Speaker 6 (07:21):
Don't you see that? Tom?
Speaker 9 (07:23):
Right there, the whole thing falls through. He'll see that
we're not truly earth like where we're faking it.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
We're aliens. And you heard what he said about being
rough on aliens.
Speaker 8 (07:33):
Well, yeah, but why me? Can't spare anyone else? And
you've got narrow eyes. Criminals always have narrow eyes. Well
aren't that narrow?
Speaker 5 (07:43):
Tom?
Speaker 6 (07:43):
Please? We're all doing our part. You want to help, now,
don't you?
Speaker 9 (07:47):
I suppose though? Fine, you're our criminal here. I've got
this paper all made out for you, just to make it.
Speaker 6 (07:53):
Legal skulking permit. No all men but these presents.
Speaker 9 (07:57):
And Tom Fisher is a duly authorized thief and murderer
is hereby required to skulk and dismal alleys, haunt places
of low repute, and to break the law. What's the law?
I'll let you know as fast as I make them up.
All earth colonies have laws.
Speaker 6 (08:10):
What do?
Speaker 9 (08:10):
What do you steal and kill? Look, I'll give you
a couple of books on it. Steal as much as
you like. One murder should be enough. Don't overdo it.
Speaker 6 (08:21):
It don't sound sensible.
Speaker 9 (08:23):
Somewhere you could work up to it, Tom, Why don't
you start off easy life by haunting a place of
low repute?
Speaker 7 (08:47):
Hello?
Speaker 6 (08:47):
Tom, I hear you're our official criminal. Now, that's right?
I have a beer. How's it going while I've been studying?
I can't put my.
Speaker 11 (08:55):
Finger on it yet. Hey, did you get the weapons?
Mary competent sent over?
Speaker 5 (08:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (08:58):
Hatchet, a spear, two nigh a black jiuh huh.
Speaker 8 (09:02):
I stuck myself with a spear ed The whole thing
ain't sensible to me. I can't figure out what's the
purpose of crime? What if people get out of it?
Speaker 5 (09:10):
It's beer.
Speaker 6 (09:10):
I try a new route this time. Tell me how
you like it? Very dry, less filling. How come you
ain't out thieving now? Tom? Oh, I'm planning.
Speaker 8 (09:21):
My permit says I have to haunt places of low repute,
and that's why I'm here.
Speaker 11 (09:24):
Well, there ain't no place to low repute. You serve
the worst meals in town. No, No, my wife can't cook.
But there's a real friendly atmosphere here. The folks like
it town. It's all changed, Dad, I'm making this tavern
my headquarters. It's now a criminal layer. Try to keep
a nice place and a lot of thanks.
Speaker 6 (09:44):
You again, Hi, Tom, you steal anything yet? Or not yet?
Speaker 5 (09:47):
Mary?
Speaker 6 (09:47):
No, I'll have a para coola ad. Don't worry, Tom,
You'll catch on if anyone in this village can learn.
Speaker 5 (09:54):
You can't. Sure?
Speaker 6 (09:55):
We got confidence in you, Tom. Why don't you steal
something right now?
Speaker 5 (09:58):
Tom?
Speaker 6 (09:59):
Go ahead? Well suppose I could. I brought some geefers
in my basket, the real right, you could steal those? Well,
they are nice looking geefers. Mary real tasty. Go ahead, Tom,
steal it? Well, hmm, these are nice looking geefers. Mind
if you take one on the light and look at it? No, Dom,
you go right ahead.
Speaker 7 (10:20):
Oh just a minute there, Hi, Billy, what do you have?
I'm an official police business. What were you doing with
that geefer? Tom?
Speaker 6 (10:28):
Just looking at it?
Speaker 7 (10:29):
I don't think you were just looking at it, Tom,
I think you were planning on stealing it. You're a
suspicious character. I think I better lock you up for
the question.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
No, no, no, Billy, what are you doing?
Speaker 7 (10:42):
I'm doing my juty, Mayor. Tom here is looking mighty suspicious.
Speaker 8 (10:46):
The book says. I know what the book says. I
gave you the book. You can't go arresting Tom, not yet.
Speaker 6 (10:52):
But there's no other criminal in the village.
Speaker 9 (10:55):
Oh, Billy, don't you understand this village needs a criminal record.
Acting suspiciously isn't the I'm all.
Speaker 7 (11:00):
Right, but I was just trying to do my job.
I'll still get you Tom. Remember crime does not pay.
Speaker 6 (11:10):
Hey.
Speaker 7 (11:11):
It's a real slick away of putting it, isn't it.
I thought it was kind of catchy. I read it
in the book.
Speaker 6 (11:16):
Well, Tom, go ahead, now, I'll steal something. I'm not
in the mood anymore. Better get to it soon, and
don't forget the murder. Is it really necessary? I wish
it'd worry.
Speaker 9 (11:25):
But this colony has been here for over two hundred
years and we haven't had a single murder, not one.
Speaker 6 (11:30):
I suppose we should have one. Ah, take care of
good boy, Tom. We're counting on you, Billy.
Speaker 9 (11:36):
I want you to paint off a couple hundred signs
saying private property, no trespassing. Violators will be prosecuted, and
a dozen saying speed limit thirty five miles an hour.
Speaker 7 (11:46):
All we got is those quog horses, and they won't
go faster than the walk.
Speaker 8 (11:50):
Never mind, you gotta have a speed limit. It's civilized.
Well that's the last of the science, Billy. You might
as well get from sleep.
Speaker 6 (12:05):
Aren't you going home?
Speaker 8 (12:06):
Man?
Speaker 6 (12:06):
No, I've got to get out to Fred Farmers.
Speaker 9 (12:07):
I appointed him postmaster since nobody ever sends letters around here.
I promise to help him write all those letters. Well,
good night, Mayor, I guess i'd better be making my law.
Speaker 6 (12:17):
Good night, billy.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
Who's that Tom? Tom? For sure you are thieving?
Speaker 6 (12:26):
Who's there?
Speaker 7 (12:27):
Don't move or I'll shoot, hey, Tom, come back.
Speaker 5 (12:34):
Hey, what's going on out there?
Speaker 6 (12:36):
What's all the racket?
Speaker 7 (12:37):
It's the town criminal ed. I think I heard him
robbing your house. Yeah, he's made his getaway now. But
don't you worry. I'll kill him yet. I forget him
in the morning, will you.
Speaker 5 (12:49):
Some of us are trying to sleep.
Speaker 6 (13:10):
Morning, Marv. How's the schoolhouse coming?
Speaker 5 (13:13):
Fair?
Speaker 6 (13:14):
Would have come along better if I had my saw?
You saw? Yeah? Left it leaning against my door last night.
Wasn't there this morning?
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Tom?
Speaker 6 (13:23):
Oh? Yeah you saw? Well you know how it is, Marv.
I had to practice some skulking last night.
Speaker 8 (13:28):
Yeah, sure, said, Do you suppose I could use the
saw for a while, just for an.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
Hour or two?
Speaker 6 (13:33):
Well, I don't know. It's legally stolen, you know. Well,
i'd give it back. I wouldn't keep anything that was
legally stolen. Well, it's in the house for the rest
of the loot. Okay, I'll go borrow them. I've been
looking for you, morn Mayor. If you steal my bronze plaque.
I certainly did. Oh, I was just wondering. You did
it just in time?
Speaker 8 (13:52):
You see up there right there, the black got near
the rim of the sun.
Speaker 6 (13:56):
Oh, what is it?
Speaker 8 (13:57):
I bet it's the Inspectorship you murder planned? Time is
running short, Tom, the Inspector may land in the hour.
Now that darn radio has been yapping of me, something
about a revolt, a dang for and all Earth colonies
are to prepare for a conscription, whatever that is.
Speaker 9 (14:11):
So let's get that killing over with. I don't know
the murder now, Look, Tom.
Speaker 6 (14:15):
Criminals on Earth commit dozens of murders a day and
think nothing of it. All this village wants of you
is one little killing? Is that too much to ask? Now?
Who will it be? Tom? I guess I'll kill George Waterman? Why? Why?
Why not?
Speaker 8 (14:32):
What's your motive? I thought you just wanted a murder.
Who said anything about a motive. We can't have a
fake murder on Earth. Every murderer has a motive. Well,
I don't like the way George walks. Never did, and
he's noisy.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
No no no. That might be good enough for a
crime of passion.
Speaker 9 (14:46):
But you're a legal criminal, Tom, You're ruthless, cold blooded
and cunning. You can't kill someone just because you don't
like the way he walks.
Speaker 6 (14:53):
That's silly. I better think the whole thing over. Well,
don't take too long.
Speaker 8 (14:57):
Oh, and Tom, don't forget to leave O, they're very important.
Speaker 6 (15:11):
Have another beer, Tom, don't mind if a doe.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
How do you like the wing I fixed the tavern over?
Speaker 6 (15:15):
I hung up dirty curtains.
Speaker 11 (15:16):
You know that makes it a dismal retreat, because I
figured that this was gonna be your headquarters.
Speaker 6 (15:20):
That ought to be a real criminal's layer. They like
the blood stains on the floor.
Speaker 8 (15:24):
That's only Billy Painter's root, very red paint.
Speaker 6 (15:26):
No, but it looks like bloodstains. He how's the murder coming.
That's a good I've been thinking about it.
Speaker 8 (15:32):
Dad. You realize I'm supposed to kill somebody. I'm supposed
to make somebody cease to exist. I mean, like, take MYRV.
Carpenter here, he is today working on a schoolhouse.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
Big fella.
Speaker 8 (15:43):
Now if I kill him, well, he wouldn't work anymore.
I've been trying to imagine it. Marv Carpenter lying on
the ground with his eyes glaring open and his mouth twisted,
and never gonna hold a piece of wood in his
hands again, or never gonna sing a song or have
a beer or anything. What just made me sick? I mean,
I could go on with the thieban but murder. Yeah, yeah,
(16:03):
I know, but Tom, it's your job. It's for the
good of the village.
Speaker 6 (16:08):
Murder. I'm going to have another beer. Hey, what's that?
Speaker 3 (16:13):
That must be the Inspectorship landing.
Speaker 5 (16:14):
Come on, let's go see. I'm in a guard.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Advance shot up, portable generators and rocket launchers.
Speaker 5 (16:28):
All personnel respected to immediate area of the ship.
Speaker 10 (16:30):
Silars, me warned at all times, and guards at battle station.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Welcome to New Delaware. Thank you, General. I'm the inspector.
This is mister Grant, my political advisor.
Speaker 6 (16:44):
Is this the capital of the colony.
Speaker 9 (16:46):
Well, I'm afraid there's only this village on the whole
of New Delaware.
Speaker 5 (16:49):
Only one.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Now, Grant, I told you when we surveyed the planet,
we were wasting our time.
Speaker 12 (16:54):
Patients, there's always an advantage in every situation.
Speaker 9 (16:57):
If you, gentlemen are ready, ready, you're going to inspect
darn village, aren't you?
Speaker 6 (17:01):
Inspect?
Speaker 5 (17:01):
I can see it all right, cross.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
General, We're ready.
Speaker 13 (17:05):
Let's inspect your villy.
Speaker 9 (17:22):
You see we've got it all jail, post office, church,
little red schoolhouse.
Speaker 6 (17:26):
Oh we're very normal, very earthy.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
Then I have my efficiency, waiting to think of this
place is worthless.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
No smelting, no heavy industry, no atomics, no taxation.
Speaker 5 (17:38):
No, no, they don't have anything.
Speaker 12 (17:40):
I wouldn't say that, Inspector. If you'll excuse us, General,
of course, I'll.
Speaker 5 (17:45):
Be downgraded at the next colonial board. Why why this
place is a are utopia? It's subversive. We are a
bload right out of the sky.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
No, don't be despondent, inspect But.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
This whole trip is a total waste of time.
Speaker 6 (17:57):
Not entirely.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
New Delaware has a very important and commodity for us.
Speaker 5 (18:01):
What you saw them, hulking peasants.
Speaker 12 (18:04):
Nothing but farmers, Yes, strong, healthy farmers.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Good canon father.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
But but oh.
Speaker 12 (18:14):
Ooh, let me take over, General, that's right. How many
able young men are there in the village between the
ages of fifteen and sixty? Why you see, General, Imperial
Earth is engaged in the war. The colonies in deng
For are revolting against the authority of Mother Earth.
Speaker 6 (18:31):
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
We need good, healthy fighting men. Our reserves are depleted.
Speaker 12 (18:39):
We wish to give all loyal colonists a chance to
fight for Mother Earth. We're sure you won't refuse most
colonies welcome a little conscription.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Cleanses the blood, reduces crime crime.
Speaker 8 (18:50):
Oh, I thought that would come up. We've taken care
of that.
Speaker 6 (18:53):
I appointed.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Now you see grant sixty seventy, perhaps one hundred recruits.
Not such a waste of time coming in at all?
Speaker 6 (19:00):
Perhaps not sagant.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
The tailor's squad of fifty men with portable heat generators
proposed to guard in the village.
Speaker 5 (19:09):
All right, mister mayor, suppose we go talk to this
problem over.
Speaker 6 (19:21):
Tom. Tom, you out there. Yeah, I've been skulking out
here all day. I'm hungry.
Speaker 8 (19:27):
When I brought your supper, the mayor sent your message, Tom,
He said, to hurry up at the murder.
Speaker 6 (19:31):
He's been stalling the inspector in that nasty little grint man.
But they're going to ask him.
Speaker 8 (19:35):
They're sure to, all right, all right, and I'll get
around to it tonight. Hey, Hey, wait a minute, Oh hello, Timer,
(19:56):
what are you doing? You said there had to be
a murder?
Speaker 6 (19:58):
So ho wait, I didn't mean it can't be me?
Speaker 5 (20:01):
Why not? Now?
Speaker 9 (20:02):
For one thing, somebody has to talk to the inspector.
He's waiting for me. Someone has to show him out
and do that. You think a knife would be more
fatal in the higher in the throat. Nothing personal in carse. Wait,
if there's nothing personal, then you have no motive. Oh well,
I guess I could.
Speaker 6 (20:14):
Think of one.
Speaker 8 (20:15):
I've been pretty sorry about you appointing me, Tom Criminal.
It was the mayor who appointed you, wasn't it for sure?
And look, I'm not a mayor anymore. I'm a general.
Look it's tars gold braid. Well what's that got to
do with it?
Speaker 9 (20:26):
Well, you missed the ceremony of this afternoon, Tom, inspector said,
I had to wear a general's uniform. It It was
a very friendly ceremony. All the earth men were grinning.
They were winging at me, at each other, our congratulations.
Speaker 8 (20:37):
But you were the mayor when you appointed me criminal,
so my motive still hold.
Speaker 9 (20:41):
Yes, But killing a general isn't murder, it's mutiny. Oh oh, oh,
I'm sorry.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
That's all right. It's just that I've read up on it.
Then you haven't.
Speaker 9 (20:49):
Well, I better get back. The inspector wants a lot
of the men that he can draft.
Speaker 6 (20:53):
Are you sure this murder is necessary? Oh?
Speaker 14 (20:56):
Yes, yes, absolutely, just not me, no louve huh, Tom,
I just can't do it, Ed, I can't kill anybody
(21:16):
in the village.
Speaker 8 (21:17):
I grew up with him, I've worked with him, I've
drunk root beer with him. I don't have any motive
for killing any of 'em, I know, But you do
have to commit a murder. Tom, you don't want to
let the village down.
Speaker 6 (21:26):
But I can't kill the people I've known all my life. No,
I suppose not. Wait wait a minute, I got an idea.
Speaker 8 (21:34):
Ed.
Speaker 6 (21:34):
Suppose I kill the inspector.
Speaker 5 (21:36):
But what's your motive? Oh, it would be a.
Speaker 8 (21:38):
Very terrible crime. I'd be killing for glory, for fame,
for notoriety. And it'll show earth how earthy New Delaware
really is. Why they'll say crime is so bad here
that a criminal actually killed their inspector on the.
Speaker 6 (21:52):
Very first day. Tom, that's just the sort of thing
a master criminal would do. Oh yeah, think it's a
good idea. Huh, I think it's great, Tom, How are
you going to do it?
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Well?
Speaker 6 (22:00):
One of those soldiers got drunk in the bottle of
your key blerd juice and dropped his gun. I picked
it up.
Speaker 5 (22:04):
Is that a gun?
Speaker 6 (22:05):
Yeah? You pushed this button here?
Speaker 11 (22:07):
Hey look out, Sorry, Now I'll have to get the
compenter boys to fix that.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
Hole in the room. Well, I'll be careful. Did you
kill the soldier?
Speaker 8 (22:15):
Of course, not a point of killing the wrong man. Well,
I better get going. I'll wait from on the path
between the Mayor's house and the ship. Good luck, Tom, Thanks?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Huh? Cool? Three, oh, pap, and lie there. What a
slappy cool all.
Speaker 12 (22:44):
Left feet, A nice night's work, and those landing parties
dying like flies.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
We can use every new man we can. Guess you
say that, buddy, you're afraid the mayor will hear me.
Don't be ridiculous. A completely passive population sheep like obedient.
Speaker 5 (22:58):
Look at the No. Two of its stepped from.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
What do you expect from back with agrarians?
Speaker 14 (23:04):
I don't know.
Speaker 12 (23:04):
Sergeants, get hold them at the base that whipped them
into first class fighting.
Speaker 6 (23:07):
Then in no time, Oh, stand and deliver.
Speaker 5 (23:11):
What that wire is?
Speaker 6 (23:12):
Tom? Hands up, Inspector, I got you covered. Now the
rest of you drop your guns and move out of
the way.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
I'll sit here. I drop those guys any of this.
Speaker 8 (23:22):
Who are you, Tom Fisher? I'm the town criminal. I'm
going to kill inspector. Now, please move out.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
Of the way. Criminal, so that's what the mayor was
trackling about.
Speaker 8 (23:32):
Now. I know we haven't had any murders in two
hundred years, but I'm changing that now.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
Now, move out of the way.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Well, I suppose i'd better get out of the line
of fire.
Speaker 5 (23:40):
No, no, wait a minute, don't move.
Speaker 6 (23:42):
I know just how to do it. I've been thinking
about it. Now, I'll push this button and you'll die.
Speaker 8 (23:48):
You'll fall down on the path and your eyes will
open and your mouth twisted, and no air going in
and out of your lungs and no beat to your.
Speaker 6 (23:54):
Heart, and I I I can't do it. Here, here's
your gun. Take it.
Speaker 10 (23:59):
I don't right quick, quick after him, sageant, take a
squad and search the forest.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Hayk it easy, inspector this whole planet as forest. Ten
thousand men couldn't find him. If he doesn't want to, I'll.
Speaker 5 (24:10):
Have him hanged on the spot.
Speaker 6 (24:11):
I'mirably sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Have the entire ships coming, turn out, general, how about
all your people are looking for him?
Speaker 5 (24:17):
Shoot out sight, kill him instant.
Speaker 6 (24:19):
Lowie couldn't do that.
Speaker 8 (24:20):
Although we appreciate the compliment, what what that matter?
Speaker 9 (24:23):
Is a criminal? That's what I'm trying to explain. I
appointed him. We had to have one.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
You what you mean you had no criminals?
Speaker 6 (24:32):
I well, I'm afraid not. Oh, I am terribly ashamed.
Speaker 9 (24:37):
You see, we knew how uncivilized we were, and that's
why we did it. I'm dreadfully embarrassed that Tom couldn't
handle the job.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
Why did you give the assignment to that particular man?
Speaker 9 (24:47):
Well, I figured if anyone could kill Tom could He's
a fisherman, you know, pretty gory work.
Speaker 6 (24:53):
Oh and he wasn't able to kill the inspector.
Speaker 9 (24:57):
Well, we just haven't had to kill anything for two
hundred year except fish. The only animals on New Delaware
are small grass eaters, and they're not good to eat,
so we never kill any of them.
Speaker 12 (25:08):
Then the rest of you would be equally unable to kill.
Speaker 6 (25:12):
We wouldn't even get as far as Tom did.
Speaker 5 (25:14):
I want that man.
Speaker 12 (25:16):
Forget about an inspector, But what you better get away
from here?
Speaker 6 (25:20):
You want men in our army who can't kill. Think
of it, I'm a rale problem. The possibility of infection.
One man in a key position endangering a key ship, well.
Speaker 8 (25:29):
Maybe a whole fleet because he can't kill it isn't
worth a risk inspector.
Speaker 6 (25:34):
Yes, sir, I see what you mean.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Or to get troops back to the ship, we'll take
off at.
Speaker 10 (25:41):
Once, Tom, time you can come out now, Tom, they're gone.
Speaker 6 (25:59):
He's hiding around here somewhere. May Yeah, Tom.
Speaker 5 (26:03):
Talm here.
Speaker 8 (26:04):
I am.
Speaker 6 (26:06):
I'm sorry, not bungled it.
Speaker 7 (26:08):
Well, don't feel bad about it. It was an impossible job.
Speaker 9 (26:11):
I'm afraid it was. I thought that just possibly you
could swing it. But you can't be blamed, Tom. There's
not another man in the village who could have done
the job even as well.
Speaker 7 (26:21):
What are we gonna do with all those buildings, Mayor,
the jail, the post office, the little red.
Speaker 6 (26:25):
Schoolhouse, the church.
Speaker 8 (26:27):
Well, I think we'll build a playground for the kids
with swings and slides and sandboxes for them. Another playground, surely,
why not? Well, I guess I won't be needing my
skalking permit anymore.
Speaker 6 (26:38):
No, No, I guess.
Speaker 8 (26:41):
Oh, well, we did our best. I had the chance,
and I let you all down. It's not your fault, Tom.
Speaker 7 (26:49):
Look how long it took Earth to get civilized, thousands
of years, and we were trying to do it in
two weeks.
Speaker 8 (26:55):
Well, we'll just have to go back to being uncivilized. Yeah, yeah,
well we better get back to the village. Looks like rain.
Speaker 6 (27:03):
Well soon I'll start fishing again. Say what is it, Tom?
It's too late now, But it's too bad I didn't
think of it before. I might have been able to
go through with it. Think of what time I think
I could.
Speaker 8 (27:15):
Have done it if I only had the sense to
think of the inspector as a fish.
Speaker 6 (27:21):
Well, it's too late now. Guess he's just a big
one got away.
Speaker 15 (27:36):
You've just heard X minus one, presented by the National
Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Galaxy Science fiction magazine, which
this month features an unusual story by James E. Gunn Silana,
a story of what happened when crime suddenly invaded a
crimeless society, and we're the only way to catch a
thief was to manufacture a thief. Galaxy Magazine on your
(27:59):
news stand today Tonight by transcription, X minus one has
brought you Skulking Permit, a story from the pages of Galaxy,
written by Robert Sheckley.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
And adapted for radio by Ernest Connoy.
Speaker 15 (28:13):
Featured in the cast were Dick Hamilton, Wendell Holmes, Joe DeSantis,
Joseph Boland, Alan Hewitt, Bill Quinn, Mandael Kramer, and Ruby Deve.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
You're announcer Jack Costello.
Speaker 15 (28:25):
X minus one was directed by Daniel Sutter and is
an NBC Radio Network production.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Let's Visit Faber McGee and Molly Tonight on the NBC
Radio Network
In just a moment X minus one. But first, how
does one man get himself into so many impossible situations? Well,
this is a question you'll probably ask yourself tomorrow night
when you follow another hilarious misadventure of Throckmorton p Guildersleeve. Yes,
Guildy's I for the ladies and his impulsive temperament managed
to entangle him in a web of riotous circumstances. Be
(00:21):
sure to join the romantic water Commissioner, his neighbors, Judge Hooker,
mister Peevie, and all the loyal Guildersleeve household as they
romp through another episode of the Great Guildersleeve tomorrow night.
And I'll stay tuned for X minus one on NBC.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
X minus one salutes our Philadelphia station. It's new call
letters w RCV.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
Condom for blast off X minus.
Speaker 4 (00:50):
Five four three two X minus one Fire from the
(01:22):
far horizons of the unknown, come transcribed tales of new
dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the
future adventures in which you'll live in a million, could
be years, on a thousand, maybe worlds. The National Broadcasting Company,
in cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction Magazine, resents.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
HE minus one.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
On Tonight's story. Skulking Permit by Robert.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
August sixteenth, here twenty two oh four two Central Colonial
Administrative Authority Alpha Centaury Sector from Colonial Contact Inspector thirty
seven subject Planet New Delaware. Following the procedure outline and
manual for Contact with Lost Colonies. Open communication by Interstellar.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
Radio with New Delaware.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
This is the first contact established in two hundred years
and proceeding on overdrive for personal investigation. Situation on New
Delaware appears unconventional to say the least.
Speaker 6 (02:49):
Hi, Hi there, Hi, Billy.
Speaker 7 (02:52):
Hi, Tom, got no time for talking this morning. Gotta
get this sign up.
Speaker 8 (02:57):
It's real pretty sign. No allowed within city limits. What's
an alien?
Speaker 5 (03:02):
Beats me?
Speaker 7 (03:03):
The mayor told me to put it up, he says
to me, Billy Painter, you're chief of police, so I
want you to paint me a big sign and set
it right in front of the town hall.
Speaker 8 (03:12):
Aliens, aliens, it's real, pretty word, Billy, Billy Painter.
Speaker 7 (03:17):
I thought I told you may get easy, Mayor. I
put the sign up. It's not that it's the church.
I painted it just like you told me.
Speaker 6 (03:24):
I know, I know, but you painted it wrong. I
painted that church with a nice bright red. What's wrong
with that?
Speaker 5 (03:29):
I looked it up.
Speaker 9 (03:30):
It's a little red school house, not church house. Churches
are supposed to be white.
Speaker 7 (03:34):
Can't keep track of the mall, schoolhouse, church house, jail,
post office. Got along fine enough in you Delaware for
two hundred years without.
Speaker 9 (03:42):
Them, I know, I know, but we need them now
and we haven't got much time.
Speaker 8 (03:45):
Where are the carpenter boys? I saw Sam and Marv
over de Beer's tavern.
Speaker 9 (03:48):
Well, Billy, you go down there and tell them that
they've got to build us a little schoolhouse, and you
paint it red. It's very important.
Speaker 6 (03:54):
The mayor.
Speaker 7 (03:54):
When do I get a police chief badge? I read
that a police chief always gets a bag may careself?
Speaker 6 (04:00):
Why now go on?
Speaker 5 (04:01):
All right there?
Speaker 8 (04:02):
Oh sure it's hot here. I don't know why the
inspector couldn't have come and winter. Oh Tom Fisher, Yeah, Tom,
I've got a job for you, a very important job.
Speaker 6 (04:11):
But now look, Mayor, I'm on vacation.
Speaker 8 (04:13):
Fish won't be back in these waters, no vacation, not now.
Speaker 9 (04:16):
He's due any day. Tom, How would you like to
be a criminal?
Speaker 6 (04:21):
I don't know what's a criminal? Well, come over to
my house. And I'll explain.
Speaker 9 (04:25):
I've got to appoint a criminal. And it looks to
me like you're red. You don't mind sitting right next
to the interstellar radio, do you. I'm waiting for a call.
Speaker 6 (04:39):
Thought that thing was broken.
Speaker 9 (04:40):
No, no, it wasn't broken. My father told me always
to leave the monitor on recording in case. Just didn't
seem to be anybody calling, Not for two hundred years,
not since that war back on Earth.
Speaker 6 (04:49):
Oh it's time. Huh. You just listened to him. They
said that they would call just at this time.
Speaker 10 (04:57):
You Delaware?
Speaker 5 (04:58):
You Delaware? Do you hear me? You Delaware?
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Come in immediately, Yes.
Speaker 6 (05:02):
Yes, yes, we hear you. He's very touching.
Speaker 5 (05:05):
This is Colonial Inspector thirty seven.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
As I told you in my broadcast yesterday, there's been
no contact with the other colonies for some centuries due
to unsettled conditions here. But that's over, except for a
little mopping up. New Delaware is still a colony of
Earth and subject to her laws.
Speaker 5 (05:22):
Do you acknowledge that status?
Speaker 8 (05:24):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (05:24):
Yes, we called a town meeting last night and talked
it all over. We're still loyal to Earth.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Excellent. That saves us the trouble of sending an expeditionary
force to reconquer you. However, as colonial contact Inspector, I
will be obliged to make a personal investigation to make
sure that you conform fully to the customs, institutions, and
traditions of Imperial Earth.
Speaker 6 (05:48):
Imperial that's funny. All the books talk about Earth as
a united democracies, and a lot can change in two
hundred years, And of course there has been a war.
Speaker 5 (05:55):
Do you hear me, New Delaware?
Speaker 6 (05:57):
Oh, yes, yes, sir, we hear you.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
You realize, of course, there is room for only one
intelligence species in the universe. Man, all of us must
be suppressed, wiped out. We can tolerate no aliens.
Speaker 6 (06:10):
I'm sure you understand, General, I'm not a general. I'm
a mayor in charge, aren't you? Yes?
Speaker 11 (06:14):
Yes, And you're a general.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
I'll be sure you're running an Earth colony, General, with
no radical departures from the norm suches, free will, free speech,
free elections, or anything else on the proscribed list. It
is impossible to administer an empire where everyone does as
he pleases. Get your colony and order, General, I will
call to inspect you in exactly one week.
Speaker 9 (06:39):
That is all, Well, you see how it is. Tom, Now, Tom,
about your job. I'm appointing you town criminal. I don't
see why there has to be a criminal. That's a
very important part of Earth society. All the books say so, Tom.
The criminal is as important as the postman, or of
the police chiefs. He works against society. If you don't
have people working against society, how can you people working
(07:00):
for it? How can there be any more important job.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
I don't want to do it.
Speaker 9 (07:05):
I'll be reasonable, Tom, put yourself in my position. This
inspector comes and he meets Billy Painter, our police chief.
He asked to see the jail, and he says, no prisoners.
How can I hold my head up and tell him
that we don't have any crime? No crime, you'll say,
but Earth colonies always have crime.
Speaker 6 (07:21):
Don't you see that? Tom?
Speaker 9 (07:23):
Right there, the whole thing falls through. He'll see that
we're not truly earth like where we're faking it.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
We're aliens. And you heard what he said about being
rough on aliens.
Speaker 8 (07:33):
Well, yeah, but why me? Can't spare anyone else? And
you've got narrow eyes. Criminals always have narrow eyes. Well
aren't that narrow?
Speaker 5 (07:43):
Tom?
Speaker 6 (07:43):
Please? We're all doing our part. You want to help, now,
don't you?
Speaker 9 (07:47):
I suppose though? Fine, you're our criminal here. I've got
this paper all made out for you, just to make it.
Speaker 6 (07:53):
Legal skulking permit. No all men but these presents.
Speaker 9 (07:57):
And Tom Fisher is a duly authorized thief and murderer
is hereby required to skulk and dismal alleys, haunt places
of low repute, and to break the law. What's the law?
I'll let you know as fast as I make them up.
All earth colonies have laws.
Speaker 6 (08:10):
What do?
Speaker 9 (08:10):
What do you steal and kill? Look, I'll give you
a couple of books on it. Steal as much as
you like. One murder should be enough. Don't overdo it.
Speaker 6 (08:21):
It don't sound sensible.
Speaker 9 (08:23):
Somewhere you could work up to it, Tom, Why don't
you start off easy life by haunting a place of
low repute?
Speaker 7 (08:47):
Hello?
Speaker 6 (08:47):
Tom, I hear you're our official criminal. Now, that's right?
I have a beer. How's it going while I've been studying?
I can't put my.
Speaker 11 (08:55):
Finger on it yet. Hey, did you get the weapons?
Mary competent sent over?
Speaker 5 (08:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (08:58):
Hatchet, a spear, two nigh a black jiuh huh.
Speaker 8 (09:02):
I stuck myself with a spear ed The whole thing
ain't sensible to me. I can't figure out what's the
purpose of crime? What if people get out of it?
Speaker 5 (09:10):
It's beer.
Speaker 6 (09:10):
I try a new route this time. Tell me how
you like it? Very dry, less filling. How come you
ain't out thieving now? Tom? Oh, I'm planning.
Speaker 8 (09:21):
My permit says I have to haunt places of low repute,
and that's why I'm here.
Speaker 11 (09:24):
Well, there ain't no place to low repute. You serve
the worst meals in town. No, No, my wife can't cook.
But there's a real friendly atmosphere here. The folks like
it town. It's all changed, Dad, I'm making this tavern
my headquarters. It's now a criminal layer. Try to keep
a nice place and a lot of thanks.
Speaker 6 (09:44):
You again, Hi, Tom, you steal anything yet? Or not yet?
Speaker 5 (09:47):
Mary?
Speaker 6 (09:47):
No, I'll have a para coola ad. Don't worry, Tom,
You'll catch on if anyone in this village can learn.
Speaker 5 (09:54):
You can't. Sure?
Speaker 6 (09:55):
We got confidence in you, Tom. Why don't you steal
something right now?
Speaker 5 (09:58):
Tom?
Speaker 6 (09:59):
Go ahead? Well suppose I could. I brought some geefers
in my basket, the real right, you could steal those? Well,
they are nice looking geefers. Mary real tasty. Go ahead, Tom,
steal it? Well, hmm, these are nice looking geefers. Mind
if you take one on the light and look at it? No, Dom,
you go right ahead.
Speaker 7 (10:20):
Oh just a minute there, Hi, Billy, what do you have?
I'm an official police business. What were you doing with
that geefer? Tom?
Speaker 6 (10:28):
Just looking at it?
Speaker 7 (10:29):
I don't think you were just looking at it, Tom,
I think you were planning on stealing it. You're a
suspicious character. I think I better lock you up for
the question.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
No, no, no, Billy, what are you doing?
Speaker 7 (10:42):
I'm doing my juty, Mayor. Tom here is looking mighty suspicious.
Speaker 8 (10:46):
The book says. I know what the book says. I
gave you the book. You can't go arresting Tom, not yet.
Speaker 6 (10:52):
But there's no other criminal in the village.
Speaker 9 (10:55):
Oh, Billy, don't you understand this village needs a criminal record.
Acting suspiciously isn't the I'm all.
Speaker 7 (11:00):
Right, but I was just trying to do my job.
I'll still get you Tom. Remember crime does not pay.
Speaker 6 (11:10):
Hey.
Speaker 7 (11:11):
It's a real slick away of putting it, isn't it.
I thought it was kind of catchy. I read it
in the book.
Speaker 6 (11:16):
Well, Tom, go ahead, now, I'll steal something. I'm not
in the mood anymore. Better get to it soon, and
don't forget the murder. Is it really necessary? I wish
it'd worry.
Speaker 9 (11:25):
But this colony has been here for over two hundred
years and we haven't had a single murder, not one.
Speaker 6 (11:30):
I suppose we should have one. Ah, take care of
good boy, Tom. We're counting on you, Billy.
Speaker 9 (11:36):
I want you to paint off a couple hundred signs
saying private property, no trespassing. Violators will be prosecuted, and
a dozen saying speed limit thirty five miles an hour.
Speaker 7 (11:46):
All we got is those quog horses, and they won't
go faster than the walk.
Speaker 8 (11:50):
Never mind, you gotta have a speed limit. It's civilized.
Well that's the last of the science, Billy. You might
as well get from sleep.
Speaker 6 (12:05):
Aren't you going home?
Speaker 8 (12:06):
Man?
Speaker 6 (12:06):
No, I've got to get out to Fred Farmers.
Speaker 9 (12:07):
I appointed him postmaster since nobody ever sends letters around here.
I promise to help him write all those letters. Well,
good night, Mayor, I guess i'd better be making my law.
Speaker 6 (12:17):
Good night, billy.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
Who's that Tom? Tom? For sure you are thieving?
Speaker 6 (12:26):
Who's there?
Speaker 7 (12:27):
Don't move or I'll shoot, hey, Tom, come back.
Speaker 5 (12:34):
Hey, what's going on out there?
Speaker 6 (12:36):
What's all the racket?
Speaker 7 (12:37):
It's the town criminal ed. I think I heard him
robbing your house. Yeah, he's made his getaway now. But
don't you worry. I'll kill him yet. I forget him
in the morning, will you.
Speaker 5 (12:49):
Some of us are trying to sleep.
Speaker 6 (13:10):
Morning, Marv. How's the schoolhouse coming?
Speaker 5 (13:13):
Fair?
Speaker 6 (13:14):
Would have come along better if I had my saw?
You saw? Yeah? Left it leaning against my door last night.
Wasn't there this morning?
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Tom?
Speaker 6 (13:23):
Oh? Yeah you saw? Well you know how it is, Marv.
I had to practice some skulking last night.
Speaker 8 (13:28):
Yeah, sure, said, Do you suppose I could use the
saw for a while, just for an.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
Hour or two?
Speaker 6 (13:33):
Well, I don't know. It's legally stolen, you know. Well,
i'd give it back. I wouldn't keep anything that was
legally stolen. Well, it's in the house for the rest
of the loot. Okay, I'll go borrow them. I've been
looking for you, morn Mayor. If you steal my bronze plaque.
I certainly did. Oh, I was just wondering. You did
it just in time?
Speaker 8 (13:52):
You see up there right there, the black got near
the rim of the sun.
Speaker 6 (13:56):
Oh, what is it?
Speaker 8 (13:57):
I bet it's the Inspectorship you murder planned? Time is
running short, Tom, the Inspector may land in the hour.
Now that darn radio has been yapping of me, something
about a revolt, a dang for and all Earth colonies
are to prepare for a conscription, whatever that is.
Speaker 9 (14:11):
So let's get that killing over with. I don't know
the murder now, Look, Tom.
Speaker 6 (14:15):
Criminals on Earth commit dozens of murders a day and
think nothing of it. All this village wants of you
is one little killing? Is that too much to ask? Now?
Who will it be? Tom? I guess I'll kill George Waterman? Why? Why?
Why not?
Speaker 8 (14:32):
What's your motive? I thought you just wanted a murder.
Who said anything about a motive. We can't have a
fake murder on Earth. Every murderer has a motive. Well,
I don't like the way George walks. Never did, and
he's noisy.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
No no no. That might be good enough for a
crime of passion.
Speaker 9 (14:46):
But you're a legal criminal, Tom, You're ruthless, cold blooded
and cunning. You can't kill someone just because you don't
like the way he walks.
Speaker 6 (14:53):
That's silly. I better think the whole thing over. Well,
don't take too long.
Speaker 8 (14:57):
Oh, and Tom, don't forget to leave O, they're very important.
Speaker 6 (15:11):
Have another beer, Tom, don't mind if a doe.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
How do you like the wing I fixed the tavern over?
Speaker 6 (15:15):
I hung up dirty curtains.
Speaker 11 (15:16):
You know that makes it a dismal retreat, because I
figured that this was gonna be your headquarters.
Speaker 6 (15:20):
That ought to be a real criminal's layer. They like
the blood stains on the floor.
Speaker 8 (15:24):
That's only Billy Painter's root, very red paint.
Speaker 6 (15:26):
No, but it looks like bloodstains. He how's the murder coming.
That's a good I've been thinking about it.
Speaker 8 (15:32):
Dad. You realize I'm supposed to kill somebody. I'm supposed
to make somebody cease to exist. I mean, like, take MYRV.
Carpenter here, he is today working on a schoolhouse.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
Big fella.
Speaker 8 (15:43):
Now if I kill him, well, he wouldn't work anymore.
I've been trying to imagine it. Marv Carpenter lying on
the ground with his eyes glaring open and his mouth twisted,
and never gonna hold a piece of wood in his
hands again, or never gonna sing a song or have
a beer or anything. What just made me sick? I mean,
I could go on with the thieban but murder. Yeah, yeah,
(16:03):
I know, but Tom, it's your job. It's for the
good of the village.
Speaker 6 (16:08):
Murder. I'm going to have another beer. Hey, what's that?
Speaker 3 (16:13):
That must be the Inspectorship landing.
Speaker 5 (16:14):
Come on, let's go see. I'm in a guard.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Advance shot up, portable generators and rocket launchers.
Speaker 5 (16:28):
All personnel respected to immediate area of the ship.
Speaker 10 (16:30):
Silars, me warned at all times, and guards at battle station.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Welcome to New Delaware. Thank you, General. I'm the inspector.
This is mister Grant, my political advisor.
Speaker 6 (16:44):
Is this the capital of the colony.
Speaker 9 (16:46):
Well, I'm afraid there's only this village on the whole
of New Delaware.
Speaker 5 (16:49):
Only one.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Now, Grant, I told you when we surveyed the planet,
we were wasting our time.
Speaker 12 (16:54):
Patients, there's always an advantage in every situation.
Speaker 9 (16:57):
If you, gentlemen are ready, ready, you're going to inspect
darn village, aren't you?
Speaker 6 (17:01):
Inspect?
Speaker 5 (17:01):
I can see it all right, cross.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
General, We're ready.
Speaker 13 (17:05):
Let's inspect your villy.
Speaker 9 (17:22):
You see we've got it all jail, post office, church,
little red schoolhouse.
Speaker 6 (17:26):
Oh we're very normal, very earthy.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
Then I have my efficiency, waiting to think of this
place is worthless.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
No smelting, no heavy industry, no atomics, no taxation.
Speaker 5 (17:38):
No, no, they don't have anything.
Speaker 12 (17:40):
I wouldn't say that, Inspector. If you'll excuse us, General,
of course, I'll.
Speaker 5 (17:45):
Be downgraded at the next colonial board. Why why this
place is a are utopia? It's subversive. We are a
bload right out of the sky.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
No, don't be despondent, inspect But.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
This whole trip is a total waste of time.
Speaker 6 (17:57):
Not entirely.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
New Delaware has a very important and commodity for us.
Speaker 5 (18:01):
What you saw them, hulking peasants.
Speaker 12 (18:04):
Nothing but farmers, Yes, strong, healthy farmers.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Good canon father.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
But but oh.
Speaker 12 (18:14):
Ooh, let me take over, General, that's right. How many
able young men are there in the village between the
ages of fifteen and sixty? Why you see, General, Imperial
Earth is engaged in the war. The colonies in deng
For are revolting against the authority of Mother Earth.
Speaker 6 (18:31):
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
We need good, healthy fighting men. Our reserves are depleted.
Speaker 12 (18:39):
We wish to give all loyal colonists a chance to
fight for Mother Earth. We're sure you won't refuse most
colonies welcome a little conscription.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Cleanses the blood, reduces crime crime.
Speaker 8 (18:50):
Oh, I thought that would come up. We've taken care
of that.
Speaker 6 (18:53):
I appointed.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Now you see grant sixty seventy, perhaps one hundred recruits.
Not such a waste of time coming in at all?
Speaker 6 (19:00):
Perhaps not sagant.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
The tailor's squad of fifty men with portable heat generators
proposed to guard in the village.
Speaker 5 (19:09):
All right, mister mayor, suppose we go talk to this
problem over.
Speaker 6 (19:21):
Tom. Tom, you out there. Yeah, I've been skulking out
here all day. I'm hungry.
Speaker 8 (19:27):
When I brought your supper, the mayor sent your message, Tom,
He said, to hurry up at the murder.
Speaker 6 (19:31):
He's been stalling the inspector in that nasty little grint man.
But they're going to ask him.
Speaker 8 (19:35):
They're sure to, all right, all right, and I'll get
around to it tonight. Hey, Hey, wait a minute, Oh hello, Timer,
(19:56):
what are you doing? You said there had to be
a murder?
Speaker 6 (19:58):
So ho wait, I didn't mean it can't be me?
Speaker 5 (20:01):
Why not? Now?
Speaker 9 (20:02):
For one thing, somebody has to talk to the inspector.
He's waiting for me. Someone has to show him out
and do that. You think a knife would be more
fatal in the higher in the throat. Nothing personal in carse. Wait,
if there's nothing personal, then you have no motive. Oh well,
I guess I could.
Speaker 6 (20:14):
Think of one.
Speaker 8 (20:15):
I've been pretty sorry about you appointing me, Tom Criminal.
It was the mayor who appointed you, wasn't it for sure?
And look, I'm not a mayor anymore. I'm a general.
Look it's tars gold braid. Well what's that got to
do with it?
Speaker 9 (20:26):
Well, you missed the ceremony of this afternoon, Tom, inspector said,
I had to wear a general's uniform. It It was
a very friendly ceremony. All the earth men were grinning.
They were winging at me, at each other, our congratulations.
Speaker 8 (20:37):
But you were the mayor when you appointed me criminal,
so my motive still hold.
Speaker 9 (20:41):
Yes, But killing a general isn't murder, it's mutiny. Oh oh, oh,
I'm sorry.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
That's all right. It's just that I've read up on it.
Then you haven't.
Speaker 9 (20:49):
Well, I better get back. The inspector wants a lot
of the men that he can draft.
Speaker 6 (20:53):
Are you sure this murder is necessary? Oh?
Speaker 14 (20:56):
Yes, yes, absolutely, just not me, no louve huh, Tom,
I just can't do it, Ed, I can't kill anybody
(21:16):
in the village.
Speaker 8 (21:17):
I grew up with him, I've worked with him, I've
drunk root beer with him. I don't have any motive
for killing any of 'em, I know, But you do
have to commit a murder. Tom, you don't want to
let the village down.
Speaker 6 (21:26):
But I can't kill the people I've known all my life. No,
I suppose not. Wait wait a minute, I got an idea.
Speaker 8 (21:34):
Ed.
Speaker 6 (21:34):
Suppose I kill the inspector.
Speaker 5 (21:36):
But what's your motive? Oh, it would be a.
Speaker 8 (21:38):
Very terrible crime. I'd be killing for glory, for fame,
for notoriety. And it'll show earth how earthy New Delaware
really is. Why they'll say crime is so bad here
that a criminal actually killed their inspector on the.
Speaker 6 (21:52):
Very first day. Tom, that's just the sort of thing
a master criminal would do. Oh yeah, think it's a
good idea. Huh, I think it's great, Tom, How are
you going to do it?
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Well?
Speaker 6 (22:00):
One of those soldiers got drunk in the bottle of
your key blerd juice and dropped his gun. I picked
it up.
Speaker 5 (22:04):
Is that a gun?
Speaker 6 (22:05):
Yeah? You pushed this button here?
Speaker 11 (22:07):
Hey look out, Sorry, Now I'll have to get the
compenter boys to fix that.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
Hole in the room. Well, I'll be careful. Did you
kill the soldier?
Speaker 8 (22:15):
Of course, not a point of killing the wrong man. Well,
I better get going. I'll wait from on the path
between the Mayor's house and the ship. Good luck, Tom, Thanks?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Huh? Cool? Three, oh, pap, and lie there. What a
slappy cool all.
Speaker 12 (22:44):
Left feet, A nice night's work, and those landing parties
dying like flies.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
We can use every new man we can. Guess you
say that, buddy, you're afraid the mayor will hear me.
Don't be ridiculous. A completely passive population sheep like obedient.
Speaker 5 (22:58):
Look at the No. Two of its stepped from.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
What do you expect from back with agrarians?
Speaker 14 (23:04):
I don't know.
Speaker 12 (23:04):
Sergeants, get hold them at the base that whipped them
into first class fighting.
Speaker 6 (23:07):
Then in no time, Oh, stand and deliver.
Speaker 5 (23:11):
What that wire is?
Speaker 6 (23:12):
Tom? Hands up, Inspector, I got you covered. Now the
rest of you drop your guns and move out of
the way.
Speaker 5 (23:18):
I'll sit here. I drop those guys any of this.
Speaker 8 (23:22):
Who are you, Tom Fisher? I'm the town criminal. I'm
going to kill inspector. Now, please move out.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
Of the way. Criminal, so that's what the mayor was
trackling about.
Speaker 8 (23:32):
Now. I know we haven't had any murders in two
hundred years, but I'm changing that now.
Speaker 6 (23:37):
Now, move out of the way.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Well, I suppose i'd better get out of the line
of fire.
Speaker 5 (23:40):
No, no, wait a minute, don't move.
Speaker 6 (23:42):
I know just how to do it. I've been thinking
about it. Now, I'll push this button and you'll die.
Speaker 8 (23:48):
You'll fall down on the path and your eyes will
open and your mouth twisted, and no air going in
and out of your lungs and no beat to your.
Speaker 6 (23:54):
Heart, and I I I can't do it. Here, here's
your gun. Take it.
Speaker 10 (23:59):
I don't right quick, quick after him, sageant, take a
squad and search the forest.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Hayk it easy, inspector this whole planet as forest. Ten
thousand men couldn't find him. If he doesn't want to, I'll.
Speaker 5 (24:10):
Have him hanged on the spot.
Speaker 6 (24:11):
I'mirably sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Have the entire ships coming, turn out, general, how about
all your people are looking for him?
Speaker 5 (24:17):
Shoot out sight, kill him instant.
Speaker 6 (24:19):
Lowie couldn't do that.
Speaker 8 (24:20):
Although we appreciate the compliment, what what that matter?
Speaker 9 (24:23):
Is a criminal? That's what I'm trying to explain. I
appointed him. We had to have one.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
You what you mean you had no criminals?
Speaker 6 (24:32):
I well, I'm afraid not. Oh, I am terribly ashamed.
Speaker 9 (24:37):
You see, we knew how uncivilized we were, and that's
why we did it. I'm dreadfully embarrassed that Tom couldn't
handle the job.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
Why did you give the assignment to that particular man?
Speaker 9 (24:47):
Well, I figured if anyone could kill Tom could He's
a fisherman, you know, pretty gory work.
Speaker 6 (24:53):
Oh and he wasn't able to kill the inspector.
Speaker 9 (24:57):
Well, we just haven't had to kill anything for two
hundred year except fish. The only animals on New Delaware
are small grass eaters, and they're not good to eat,
so we never kill any of them.
Speaker 12 (25:08):
Then the rest of you would be equally unable to kill.
Speaker 6 (25:12):
We wouldn't even get as far as Tom did.
Speaker 5 (25:14):
I want that man.
Speaker 12 (25:16):
Forget about an inspector, But what you better get away
from here?
Speaker 6 (25:20):
You want men in our army who can't kill. Think
of it, I'm a rale problem. The possibility of infection.
One man in a key position endangering a key ship, well.
Speaker 8 (25:29):
Maybe a whole fleet because he can't kill it isn't
worth a risk inspector.
Speaker 6 (25:34):
Yes, sir, I see what you mean.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Or to get troops back to the ship, we'll take
off at.
Speaker 10 (25:41):
Once, Tom, time you can come out now, Tom, they're gone.
Speaker 6 (25:59):
He's hiding around here somewhere. May Yeah, Tom.
Speaker 5 (26:03):
Talm here.
Speaker 8 (26:04):
I am.
Speaker 6 (26:06):
I'm sorry, not bungled it.
Speaker 7 (26:08):
Well, don't feel bad about it. It was an impossible job.
Speaker 9 (26:11):
I'm afraid it was. I thought that just possibly you
could swing it. But you can't be blamed, Tom. There's
not another man in the village who could have done
the job even as well.
Speaker 7 (26:21):
What are we gonna do with all those buildings, Mayor,
the jail, the post office, the little red.
Speaker 6 (26:25):
Schoolhouse, the church.
Speaker 8 (26:27):
Well, I think we'll build a playground for the kids
with swings and slides and sandboxes for them. Another playground, surely,
why not? Well, I guess I won't be needing my
skalking permit anymore.
Speaker 6 (26:38):
No, No, I guess.
Speaker 8 (26:41):
Oh, well, we did our best. I had the chance,
and I let you all down. It's not your fault, Tom.
Speaker 7 (26:49):
Look how long it took Earth to get civilized, thousands
of years, and we were trying to do it in
two weeks.
Speaker 8 (26:55):
Well, we'll just have to go back to being uncivilized. Yeah, yeah,
well we better get back to the village. Looks like rain.
Speaker 6 (27:03):
Well soon I'll start fishing again. Say what is it, Tom?
It's too late now, But it's too bad I didn't
think of it before. I might have been able to
go through with it. Think of what time I think
I could.
Speaker 8 (27:15):
Have done it if I only had the sense to
think of the inspector as a fish.
Speaker 6 (27:21):
Well, it's too late now. Guess he's just a big
one got away.
Speaker 15 (27:36):
You've just heard X minus one, presented by the National
Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Galaxy Science fiction magazine, which
this month features an unusual story by James E. Gunn Silana,
a story of what happened when crime suddenly invaded a
crimeless society, and we're the only way to catch a
thief was to manufacture a thief. Galaxy Magazine on your
(27:59):
news stand today Tonight by transcription, X minus one has
brought you Skulking Permit, a story from the pages of Galaxy,
written by Robert Sheckley.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
And adapted for radio by Ernest Connoy.
Speaker 15 (28:13):
Featured in the cast were Dick Hamilton, Wendell Holmes, Joe DeSantis,
Joseph Boland, Alan Hewitt, Bill Quinn, Mandael Kramer, and Ruby Deve.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
You're announcer Jack Costello.
Speaker 15 (28:25):
X minus one was directed by Daniel Sutter and is
an NBC Radio Network production.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Let's Visit Faber McGee and Molly Tonight on the NBC
Radio Network
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