December 19, 2025 • 18 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
His other self by W. W. Jacobs. They're like as
two peas him and his brother, said the night Watchman,
gazing blandly at the indignant face of the Lighterman on
the barge below. And the only way I know this
one is Sam is because Bill don't use bad language.
Twins they are, but the likeness is only outside. Bill's
(00:23):
art is as white as snow, a carf a plug
of tobacco and placing it in his cheek, waited expectantly
white as snow, he repeated. That's me, said the Lighterman,
as he pushed his unwieldy craft from the jetty. I'll
tell Sam your opinion of him so long, the watchman
(00:44):
went a shade redder than usual. That's twins all over,
he said, sourly, always deceiving people. It's Bill Arter all
and instead of outing his feelings of just being flattering
of him up. It ain't the first time I've had
troubled over a likeness. I've been a twin myself in
a manner o speaking. It didn't last long, but it
(01:06):
lasted long enough for me to always be sorry for
twins and to make a lot of allowance for them.
It must be very hard to have another man going
about with your face on his shoulders and getting it
into trouble. It was a year or two ago now.
I was sitting one evening at the gate, smoking a
pipe and looking at a newspaper i'd found in the office,
(01:26):
when I see a gentleman coming along from the swing bridge,
well dressed, clean shaved chap He was smoking a cigarette.
He was walking slow and looking about him casual light
until his eyes fell on me, when he gave a
perfect jump of surprise, and after looking at me very hard,
walked on a little way and then turned back. He
(01:48):
did it twice, and I was just going to say
something to him, something i'd been getting ready for him,
when he spoke to me. Good evening, He says, good evening,
I says, folding the paper over and looking at him
rather severe. I hope you'll excuse me steering, he says,
very polite. But I've never seen such a face and
figure as yours in all my life. Never, Ah, you
(02:11):
are a seen me a few years ago. I says,
I'm like everybody else, I'm getting on rubbish. He says,
you couldn't be better if you tried. It's marvelous, wonderful.
It's the very thing I've been looking for. Why if
you'd been made to order, you couldn't have been better?
Or thought? At first he was by way of trying
(02:31):
to get a drink out o me. I've been played
that game afore. But instead of that, he asked me
whether i'd do him the pleasure of having one with him.
We went over to the albin and I believe I
could have had it in a pail if i'd only
like to say the word. And all the time I
was drinking, he was looking me up and down. Said
I didn't know where to look, as the saying is.
(02:53):
I came down here to look for somebody like you,
he says, But I never dreamed or should have such
luck as this. I'm an actor and I've got to
play the part of a sailor, and I've been worried
some time out of make up for the part. Do
you understand, no, I says, looking at him. I want
to look the real thing, he says, speaking low, so
the landlord shouldn hear. I want to make myself the
(03:15):
living image of you. If that don't fetch him, I'll
give up the stage and grow cabbages. Make yourself like me,
I says, Why you'll know more like me than I'm
like a sea sick monkey. Not so much, she says.
E's weary art comes in. He stood me another drink
and then taking my arm in a cuddling sort of
(03:37):
way and calling me dear boy. He led me back
to the wharf and explained. He said he would come
round next evening with what he called his make up
box and paint his face and make himself up till
people wouldn't know one from the other. And what about
your figure, I said, looking at him, Well, cushion, he says, winking,
(03:59):
or a couple they would have worked clothes. You would
have to sell me those you've got on, hat and
all and boots. I'll put a price on him that
I thought would have finished him then and there, but
it didn't. And at last I'll paying me so many
more compliments that they began to get into my head.
He fixed up a meeting for the next night and
went off in mind, he says, coming back, not a
(04:23):
word to a living soul. He went off again, and
I going to the bull's head and having a pint
to clear my head. I went and sat down in
the office and thought it over. It seemed all right
to me as far as I could see. But perhaps
the pint didn't clear my head enough. Perhaps I ought
to have had two pints. I lay awake best part
(04:43):
of the next day thinking it over, and when I
got up, I'd made up my mind. I'll put my
clothes in a sack, and then I'll put on some others,
so as much like him as possible, I only preaps
a bit older in case the missus should get asking questions.
And then I sat wondering how to get out with
the sack without own. No, she's got a very inquiring mind,
and I wasn't going to tell her any lies about it,
(05:05):
besides which I couldn't think of one. I got out
at last by playing a game on her, or pretended
to drop off a dollar in the wash house, and
while she was busy on her ends and knees, I
went off as comfortable as you please. I got into
the office with it all right, and just as it
was getting dark, a cab drove up to the Wolf,
and the actor Chap jumped out with a big leather bag.
(05:27):
I took him into the private office and he was
so ready with his money for the clothes that I
offered to throw the sacking. He changed into my clothes
first of all, and then asking me to sit down
in front of him. He took a looking glass and
a box out of his bag and began to water
his face. What with sticks of colored paint and false
(05:48):
eyebrows and a beard stuck on with gum and trimmed
with a pair of scissors, it was more like a
conjuring trick than anything else. Then he took a wig
out of his bag and pressed it on his head,
put on the cap, put some black stuff on his teeth,
and there he was. We both looked into the glass
(06:08):
together while he gave the finishing touches, and then he
clapped me on the back and said I was the
handsomest sailorman in England. Oh, she left to make up
a bit heavier for when on behind the floats, He says,
but this is enough for you. What do you think
of the imitation of your voice? I think I've got
it exact. If you ask me, I says, it sounds
(06:30):
like a poll parrot with a cold in the head.
And now for your walk, he says, looking as pleased
as if I'd said something else, come to the door
and see me go up the wharf. I didn't like
to hurt his feelings, but I thought I should have busted.
He walked up that wharf like a dancing bear in
a pair of trousers too tight for it. But he
was so pleased with himself now, I didn't like to
(06:52):
tell him. So he went up and down two or
three times. And I never saw anything so ridiculous in
my life. It's all very well for us, he says,
But what about other people? That's what I want to know.
I'll go and have a drink and see whether anybody
spots me. Afore I could stop him, he started off
(07:12):
to the bull's head and went in, while I stood
outside and watched him off a point of fore ail,
he says, smacking down a penny. I see the landlord
draw the beard and give it to him, but he
didn't seem to take no notice of him. Then, just
to open his eyes a bit, I walked in and
put down a penny and asked for half a pint.
The landlord was just wiping down the counter at the time,
(07:35):
and when I gave my order, he looked up and
stood staring at me with the wet cloth held up
in the air. He didn't say a word, not a
single word. He stood there for a moment, smiling at us,
foolish like, and then he let go of the beer
injun what he was holding in his left hand, and
sat down heavy on the bar floor. We both put
(07:57):
our heads over the counter to see what happens him,
and he started making the most horrible noise I have
ever heard in my life. Oh wonder it didn't bring
the fire injuns. The actor Chap bolted out as if
he'd been shot, and I was just thinking of following
him when the landlord's wife and his two daughters came
rushing out and asking me what would dan't to him.
(08:20):
He There was two of him, says the landlord, trembling
and holding onto his wife's arm as they helped him
and got him in the chair. Two of him, two
of what, says his wife. Two two watchmen, says the landlord,
both exactly alike, and both asking for half a point
of four ail. Yes, yes, says his wife. You come
(08:44):
and lay down pars, says the gals. I tell you,
there was says the landlord, getting his color back with temper. Yes, yes,
I know all about it, says his wife. You come
inside for a bit, and Gerty, you bring your father
in a soda, a large soda. They got him in
otter a lot of trouble, but three times he came
(09:05):
back as far as the door, holding on to him
and taking a little peep at me. The last time
he shook his head at me and said if I
did it again, I could go and get my half
pints somewhere else. I finished the beer what the actor
had left, and after telling the landlord, I OpEd his
eyes soight it'd be better in the morning. I went outside,
and after a careful look round, walked back to the wharf.
(09:26):
I pushed the wicket open a little way and peeped in.
The actor was standing just by the first crane, talking
to two of the hands off of the saltram. He
got his back to the light. But how it was
they didn't twig his voice. I can't think they were
so busy talking that I crept along by the side
of the wall and got to the office without their
seeing me. I went into the private office and turned
(09:49):
out the gas there and sat down to wait for him.
Then I heard a noise outside that took me to
the door again and kept me there, holding on to
the door post, and gasped for me breath. The cook
of the Sultan was sitting on a paraffin cask playing
the mouth organ, and the actor, with his arms folded
across his stomach, was dancing a horn pipe as if
(10:12):
he'd gone mad. I never saw anything so ridiculous in
my life. And when I recollected that they thought it
was me, I thought I should have dropped. A night
watchman can't be too careful, and I knew that he'd
be all over wapping next morning that I'd been dancing
to a taply apely mare forking played by a ship's cook.
(10:32):
A man that does his duty always has a lot
of people ready to believe the worst of him. I
went back into the dark office and waited, and by
and by I heard him coming along to the gate
and patting him on the back and saying he ought
to be in a pantomime instead of wasting his time
night watching. He left him at the gate, and then
he came into the office, smiling as if he'd done
(10:54):
something clever. What's you thickn of me? For an understudy?
He says, laughing. They all thought he was you. It wasn't.
One of em had the slightest suspicion. Not one. And
what about my character, I says, folding my arms across
my chest and looking at him. Character, he says, staring.
Why there's no arm in dancing? It's an innocent enjoyment.
(11:16):
It ain't one of my innocent enjoyments, I says, And
I don't want the credit of it. If they ain't
been sitting in a pub all evening, they'd have spotted
you at once. Oh, he says, very uffy. Ow your voice,
I says, you try and mimic a Paul Patt and
think it's like me. And for another thing, you walk
about as though you're stuffed with sawdust. I beg your pardon,
(11:38):
he says. The voice and the walk are exact exact
what I says, looking him up and down. You stand
there and have the appearance to tell me that my
voice is like that I do, he says. Then I'm
sorry for you. I says, I thought you'd got more sense.
He stood, looking at me and gnawing his finger. And
by the bye, he says, oh you married, He says,
(12:01):
I am. I says, very short. Where do you live?
He says, I told him very good, He says, perhaps
I'll be able to convince you are all. By the way,
what he call your wife missus? Yes, I says, steering
at him. But what's he got to do with you? Nothing?
He says, nothing. Only I'm going to try the palepo
it voice and the sword us walk on her, that's all.
(12:23):
If I can deceive her, that'll settle it. Deceive her,
I says. Do you think I'm going to let you
go round to my house and get me into trouble
with my missus like that? Why you must be crazy.
That dancing must have got into your head. Where's the army?
Says very sulky arm. I says, I won't have it,
that's all. And if you knew my missus, you'd know
(12:45):
without any telling. I'll bet you a pound to a sixpence.
She wouldn't know me, he says, very earnest. She won't
have the chance. I says, So that's all about it.
He stood. I argued for him for about ten minutes,
but I was firm as a rock. I wouldn't move
an inch, and at last we was both on the
(13:07):
point of losing our tempers. He picked up his bed
and said, as how he must be getting off home.
But ain't you gonna take those things off first? I
says no, he says, smiling, I'll wait till I get home, Tatar.
He put his bag on his shoulder and walked to
the gate, with me following of him. I expect I
shall see a cab soon, he says, goodbye. What are
(13:29):
you laughing at? I says, only thoughts? He says, Have
you got four to go? I says no. Just about
the same distance as you have, he says, and he
went off, splattering like a soda water bottle. I took
the broom and had a good sweep up arter he'd gone.
And I was just in the middle of it when
the cook and the other two chaps from the Sultrum
(13:51):
came back with three other sailormen and a brewer's draymon.
They had brought to see me dance same as you
did a little while ago, ol Bill says, the cook,
taking out his beastly mouth organ and wiping it on
his sleeve, What too, would you like? I couldn't get
away from em, And when I told em, I'd never
danced in my life. The cook asked me where I
(14:12):
expected to go to. He told the drayman that I'd
been dancing like a fairy in sea boots, and they
all got in front of me and wouldn't let me pass.
I lost my temper at last, and art ate taking
the broom away from me, and the draymen and one
of the sailormen had said what they'd do to me
if I was only fifty years younger. They sheered off.
I locked the gate after em and went back to
(14:34):
the office, and I hadn't been near above half an
hour when somebody started ringing the gatebell as if they
was mad. I thought it was the cook's lot come
back at first, so I opened a wicket just a
trifle and peered out. There was an ensome cab standing outside,
and I'd hardly got my nose to the crack when
the actor Chap, still in my clothes, pushed the door
open and nipped in. You've lost, he says, pushing the
(14:57):
door to and smiling all over. Where's your sixpence lost?
I says, ardly, able to speak. Do you mean to
tell me you've been to my wife? Arter? All? Atter? All?
I said to you. I do, he says, nodding and
smiling again. They were both deceived as easy as easy both,
I says, staring at him. Both what how many wives
(15:20):
do you think I've got? What do you mean by it?
Or I left you? He says, giving me a little
poke in the ribs. I picked up a cab and first,
leaving my bag at Aldgate, I drove on to your
house and knocked at the door. I knocked twice, and
then an angry looking woman opened it and asked me
what I wanted. It's all right, missus, I says, I've
(15:42):
got off an hour off and I've come to take
you out for a walk. What she says, drawing back
with a start, Just a little turn round to see
the shops, I says, And if there's anything in particular
you'd like, and it don't cost too much, you shall
have it. I thought it first from the way she
took it. She wasn't used to you giving her things.
How dare you, she says, I'll have you looked up.
(16:04):
How dare you insult a respectable married woman? You wait
till my husband comes home. But I am your husband,
I says, don't you know me? My pretty don't you
know your pet sailor boy? She gave a screech like
a steam engine, and then she went next door and
began knocking away like mad. Then I see that I've
(16:25):
gone a number twelve instead of number fourteen. Your wife,
your real wife, came out the number fourteen, and she
was worse than the other. But I both thought it
was you. There's no doubt that they chased me all
the way up the road. And if it ain't been
for this cab that was just passing, I don't know
what would have happened to me. He shook his head
(16:46):
and smiled again. And I was opening the wicket a
trifle and telling the cabman he shouldn't belong. He turned
to me and asked me for the sixpence to wear
on his watch chain. Sixpence, I says, sixpence. What do
you think is happen to me when I'll go home? Oh?
I haven't thought that, He says, yes, of course. What
(17:07):
about my wife's jealousy? I says, what about the other
and her husband? A cooper as big as a house. Well, well,
he says, one can't think of everything. It'll be all
the same A hundred years. Hence, look here, I says,
taking his shoulder in a grip of iron. You come
back with me now in that cab and explain. Do
(17:28):
you see that's what you've got to do, all right,
he says, certainly, he's sir, Easter husband, bad tempered, you'll see,
I says, But that's your business. Come along with pleasure,
he says, helping me in off and mo while I
tell the cabby where to drive to. He went back
(17:49):
to the back of the cab, and aforet I knew
what happened. The horse had got a flick over the
head with the whip and was going along at a gallop.
I kept putting a little flap up and telling the
cabby to stop, but he didn't take the slightest notice. Arthur,
I'd done it three times. He kept it down so
I couldn't open it. It was a crowd round my
door when the cab drove up, and in the middle
(18:10):
of it was my missus, the woman next door and
her husband what had just come home. Half a dozen
of em helped me out, and before I could say
a word, the cabman drove off and left me there.
I dream of it now sometimes standing there, explaining and explaining,
until just as I feel I can't bear it any longer,
(18:31):
two policemen come up and help me indoors. If they
had helped my missus outside, it would be an easier
dream to have. And of his other self by W. W.
Jacobs
His other self by W. W. Jacobs. They're like as
two peas him and his brother, said the night Watchman,
gazing blandly at the indignant face of the Lighterman on
the barge below. And the only way I know this
one is Sam is because Bill don't use bad language.
Twins they are, but the likeness is only outside. Bill's
(00:23):
art is as white as snow, a carf a plug
of tobacco and placing it in his cheek, waited expectantly
white as snow, he repeated. That's me, said the Lighterman,
as he pushed his unwieldy craft from the jetty. I'll
tell Sam your opinion of him so long, the watchman
(00:44):
went a shade redder than usual. That's twins all over,
he said, sourly, always deceiving people. It's Bill Arter all
and instead of outing his feelings of just being flattering
of him up. It ain't the first time I've had
troubled over a likeness. I've been a twin myself in
a manner o speaking. It didn't last long, but it
(01:06):
lasted long enough for me to always be sorry for
twins and to make a lot of allowance for them.
It must be very hard to have another man going
about with your face on his shoulders and getting it
into trouble. It was a year or two ago now.
I was sitting one evening at the gate, smoking a
pipe and looking at a newspaper i'd found in the office,
(01:26):
when I see a gentleman coming along from the swing bridge,
well dressed, clean shaved chap He was smoking a cigarette.
He was walking slow and looking about him casual light
until his eyes fell on me, when he gave a
perfect jump of surprise, and after looking at me very hard,
walked on a little way and then turned back. He
(01:48):
did it twice, and I was just going to say
something to him, something i'd been getting ready for him,
when he spoke to me. Good evening, He says, good evening,
I says, folding the paper over and looking at him
rather severe. I hope you'll excuse me steering, he says,
very polite. But I've never seen such a face and
figure as yours in all my life. Never, Ah, you
(02:11):
are a seen me a few years ago. I says,
I'm like everybody else, I'm getting on rubbish. He says,
you couldn't be better if you tried. It's marvelous, wonderful.
It's the very thing I've been looking for. Why if
you'd been made to order, you couldn't have been better?
Or thought? At first he was by way of trying
(02:31):
to get a drink out o me. I've been played
that game afore. But instead of that, he asked me
whether i'd do him the pleasure of having one with him.
We went over to the albin and I believe I
could have had it in a pail if i'd only
like to say the word. And all the time I
was drinking, he was looking me up and down. Said
I didn't know where to look, as the saying is.
(02:53):
I came down here to look for somebody like you,
he says, But I never dreamed or should have such
luck as this. I'm an actor and I've got to
play the part of a sailor, and I've been worried
some time out of make up for the part. Do
you understand, no, I says, looking at him. I want
to look the real thing, he says, speaking low, so
the landlord shouldn hear. I want to make myself the
(03:15):
living image of you. If that don't fetch him, I'll
give up the stage and grow cabbages. Make yourself like me,
I says, Why you'll know more like me than I'm
like a sea sick monkey. Not so much, she says.
E's weary art comes in. He stood me another drink
and then taking my arm in a cuddling sort of
(03:37):
way and calling me dear boy. He led me back
to the wharf and explained. He said he would come
round next evening with what he called his make up
box and paint his face and make himself up till
people wouldn't know one from the other. And what about
your figure, I said, looking at him, Well, cushion, he says, winking,
(03:59):
or a couple they would have worked clothes. You would
have to sell me those you've got on, hat and
all and boots. I'll put a price on him that
I thought would have finished him then and there, but
it didn't. And at last I'll paying me so many
more compliments that they began to get into my head.
He fixed up a meeting for the next night and
went off in mind, he says, coming back, not a
(04:23):
word to a living soul. He went off again, and
I going to the bull's head and having a pint
to clear my head. I went and sat down in
the office and thought it over. It seemed all right
to me as far as I could see. But perhaps
the pint didn't clear my head enough. Perhaps I ought
to have had two pints. I lay awake best part
(04:43):
of the next day thinking it over, and when I
got up, I'd made up my mind. I'll put my
clothes in a sack, and then I'll put on some others,
so as much like him as possible, I only preaps
a bit older in case the missus should get asking questions.
And then I sat wondering how to get out with
the sack without own. No, she's got a very inquiring mind,
and I wasn't going to tell her any lies about it,
(05:05):
besides which I couldn't think of one. I got out
at last by playing a game on her, or pretended
to drop off a dollar in the wash house, and
while she was busy on her ends and knees, I
went off as comfortable as you please. I got into
the office with it all right, and just as it
was getting dark, a cab drove up to the Wolf,
and the actor Chap jumped out with a big leather bag.
(05:27):
I took him into the private office and he was
so ready with his money for the clothes that I
offered to throw the sacking. He changed into my clothes
first of all, and then asking me to sit down
in front of him. He took a looking glass and
a box out of his bag and began to water
his face. What with sticks of colored paint and false
(05:48):
eyebrows and a beard stuck on with gum and trimmed
with a pair of scissors, it was more like a
conjuring trick than anything else. Then he took a wig
out of his bag and pressed it on his head,
put on the cap, put some black stuff on his teeth,
and there he was. We both looked into the glass
(06:08):
together while he gave the finishing touches, and then he
clapped me on the back and said I was the
handsomest sailorman in England. Oh, she left to make up
a bit heavier for when on behind the floats, He says,
but this is enough for you. What do you think
of the imitation of your voice? I think I've got
it exact. If you ask me, I says, it sounds
(06:30):
like a poll parrot with a cold in the head.
And now for your walk, he says, looking as pleased
as if I'd said something else, come to the door
and see me go up the wharf. I didn't like
to hurt his feelings, but I thought I should have busted.
He walked up that wharf like a dancing bear in
a pair of trousers too tight for it. But he
was so pleased with himself now, I didn't like to
(06:52):
tell him. So he went up and down two or
three times. And I never saw anything so ridiculous in
my life. It's all very well for us, he says,
But what about other people? That's what I want to know.
I'll go and have a drink and see whether anybody
spots me. Afore I could stop him, he started off
(07:12):
to the bull's head and went in, while I stood
outside and watched him off a point of fore ail,
he says, smacking down a penny. I see the landlord
draw the beard and give it to him, but he
didn't seem to take no notice of him. Then, just
to open his eyes a bit, I walked in and
put down a penny and asked for half a pint.
The landlord was just wiping down the counter at the time,
(07:35):
and when I gave my order, he looked up and
stood staring at me with the wet cloth held up
in the air. He didn't say a word, not a
single word. He stood there for a moment, smiling at us,
foolish like, and then he let go of the beer
injun what he was holding in his left hand, and
sat down heavy on the bar floor. We both put
(07:57):
our heads over the counter to see what happens him,
and he started making the most horrible noise I have
ever heard in my life. Oh wonder it didn't bring
the fire injuns. The actor Chap bolted out as if
he'd been shot, and I was just thinking of following
him when the landlord's wife and his two daughters came
rushing out and asking me what would dan't to him.
(08:20):
He There was two of him, says the landlord, trembling
and holding onto his wife's arm as they helped him
and got him in the chair. Two of him, two
of what, says his wife. Two two watchmen, says the landlord,
both exactly alike, and both asking for half a point
of four ail. Yes, yes, says his wife. You come
(08:44):
and lay down pars, says the gals. I tell you,
there was says the landlord, getting his color back with temper. Yes, yes,
I know all about it, says his wife. You come
inside for a bit, and Gerty, you bring your father
in a soda, a large soda. They got him in
otter a lot of trouble, but three times he came
(09:05):
back as far as the door, holding on to him
and taking a little peep at me. The last time
he shook his head at me and said if I
did it again, I could go and get my half
pints somewhere else. I finished the beer what the actor
had left, and after telling the landlord, I OpEd his
eyes soight it'd be better in the morning. I went outside,
and after a careful look round, walked back to the wharf.
(09:26):
I pushed the wicket open a little way and peeped in.
The actor was standing just by the first crane, talking
to two of the hands off of the saltram. He
got his back to the light. But how it was
they didn't twig his voice. I can't think they were
so busy talking that I crept along by the side
of the wall and got to the office without their
seeing me. I went into the private office and turned
(09:49):
out the gas there and sat down to wait for him.
Then I heard a noise outside that took me to
the door again and kept me there, holding on to
the door post, and gasped for me breath. The cook
of the Sultan was sitting on a paraffin cask playing
the mouth organ, and the actor, with his arms folded
across his stomach, was dancing a horn pipe as if
(10:12):
he'd gone mad. I never saw anything so ridiculous in
my life. And when I recollected that they thought it
was me, I thought I should have dropped. A night
watchman can't be too careful, and I knew that he'd
be all over wapping next morning that I'd been dancing
to a taply apely mare forking played by a ship's cook.
(10:32):
A man that does his duty always has a lot
of people ready to believe the worst of him. I
went back into the dark office and waited, and by
and by I heard him coming along to the gate
and patting him on the back and saying he ought
to be in a pantomime instead of wasting his time
night watching. He left him at the gate, and then
he came into the office, smiling as if he'd done
(10:54):
something clever. What's you thickn of me? For an understudy?
He says, laughing. They all thought he was you. It wasn't.
One of em had the slightest suspicion. Not one. And
what about my character, I says, folding my arms across
my chest and looking at him. Character, he says, staring.
Why there's no arm in dancing? It's an innocent enjoyment.
(11:16):
It ain't one of my innocent enjoyments, I says, And
I don't want the credit of it. If they ain't
been sitting in a pub all evening, they'd have spotted
you at once. Oh, he says, very uffy. Ow your voice,
I says, you try and mimic a Paul Patt and
think it's like me. And for another thing, you walk
about as though you're stuffed with sawdust. I beg your pardon,
(11:38):
he says. The voice and the walk are exact exact
what I says, looking him up and down. You stand
there and have the appearance to tell me that my
voice is like that I do, he says. Then I'm
sorry for you. I says, I thought you'd got more sense.
He stood, looking at me and gnawing his finger. And
by the bye, he says, oh you married, He says,
(12:01):
I am. I says, very short. Where do you live?
He says, I told him very good, He says, perhaps
I'll be able to convince you are all. By the way,
what he call your wife missus? Yes, I says, steering
at him. But what's he got to do with you? Nothing?
He says, nothing. Only I'm going to try the palepo
it voice and the sword us walk on her, that's all.
(12:23):
If I can deceive her, that'll settle it. Deceive her,
I says. Do you think I'm going to let you
go round to my house and get me into trouble
with my missus like that? Why you must be crazy.
That dancing must have got into your head. Where's the army?
Says very sulky arm. I says, I won't have it,
that's all. And if you knew my missus, you'd know
(12:45):
without any telling. I'll bet you a pound to a sixpence.
She wouldn't know me, he says, very earnest. She won't
have the chance. I says, So that's all about it.
He stood. I argued for him for about ten minutes,
but I was firm as a rock. I wouldn't move
an inch, and at last we was both on the
(13:07):
point of losing our tempers. He picked up his bed
and said, as how he must be getting off home.
But ain't you gonna take those things off first? I
says no, he says, smiling, I'll wait till I get home, Tatar.
He put his bag on his shoulder and walked to
the gate, with me following of him. I expect I
shall see a cab soon, he says, goodbye. What are
(13:29):
you laughing at? I says, only thoughts? He says, Have
you got four to go? I says no. Just about
the same distance as you have, he says, and he
went off, splattering like a soda water bottle. I took
the broom and had a good sweep up arter he'd gone.
And I was just in the middle of it when
the cook and the other two chaps from the Sultrum
(13:51):
came back with three other sailormen and a brewer's draymon.
They had brought to see me dance same as you
did a little while ago, ol Bill says, the cook,
taking out his beastly mouth organ and wiping it on
his sleeve, What too, would you like? I couldn't get
away from em, And when I told em, I'd never
danced in my life. The cook asked me where I
(14:12):
expected to go to. He told the drayman that I'd
been dancing like a fairy in sea boots, and they
all got in front of me and wouldn't let me pass.
I lost my temper at last, and art ate taking
the broom away from me, and the draymen and one
of the sailormen had said what they'd do to me
if I was only fifty years younger. They sheered off.
I locked the gate after em and went back to
(14:34):
the office, and I hadn't been near above half an
hour when somebody started ringing the gatebell as if they
was mad. I thought it was the cook's lot come
back at first, so I opened a wicket just a
trifle and peered out. There was an ensome cab standing outside,
and I'd hardly got my nose to the crack when
the actor Chap, still in my clothes, pushed the door
open and nipped in. You've lost, he says, pushing the
(14:57):
door to and smiling all over. Where's your sixpence lost?
I says, ardly, able to speak. Do you mean to
tell me you've been to my wife? Arter? All? Atter? All?
I said to you. I do, he says, nodding and
smiling again. They were both deceived as easy as easy both,
I says, staring at him. Both what how many wives
(15:20):
do you think I've got? What do you mean by it?
Or I left you? He says, giving me a little
poke in the ribs. I picked up a cab and first,
leaving my bag at Aldgate, I drove on to your
house and knocked at the door. I knocked twice, and
then an angry looking woman opened it and asked me
what I wanted. It's all right, missus, I says, I've
(15:42):
got off an hour off and I've come to take
you out for a walk. What she says, drawing back
with a start, Just a little turn round to see
the shops, I says, And if there's anything in particular
you'd like, and it don't cost too much, you shall
have it. I thought it first from the way she
took it. She wasn't used to you giving her things.
How dare you, she says, I'll have you looked up.
(16:04):
How dare you insult a respectable married woman? You wait
till my husband comes home. But I am your husband,
I says, don't you know me? My pretty don't you
know your pet sailor boy? She gave a screech like
a steam engine, and then she went next door and
began knocking away like mad. Then I see that I've
(16:25):
gone a number twelve instead of number fourteen. Your wife,
your real wife, came out the number fourteen, and she
was worse than the other. But I both thought it
was you. There's no doubt that they chased me all
the way up the road. And if it ain't been
for this cab that was just passing, I don't know
what would have happened to me. He shook his head
(16:46):
and smiled again. And I was opening the wicket a
trifle and telling the cabman he shouldn't belong. He turned
to me and asked me for the sixpence to wear
on his watch chain. Sixpence, I says, sixpence. What do
you think is happen to me when I'll go home? Oh?
I haven't thought that, He says, yes, of course. What
(17:07):
about my wife's jealousy? I says, what about the other
and her husband? A cooper as big as a house. Well, well,
he says, one can't think of everything. It'll be all
the same A hundred years. Hence, look here, I says,
taking his shoulder in a grip of iron. You come
back with me now in that cab and explain. Do
(17:28):
you see that's what you've got to do, all right,
he says, certainly, he's sir, Easter husband, bad tempered, you'll see,
I says, But that's your business. Come along with pleasure,
he says, helping me in off and mo while I
tell the cabby where to drive to. He went back
(17:49):
to the back of the cab, and aforet I knew
what happened. The horse had got a flick over the
head with the whip and was going along at a gallop.
I kept putting a little flap up and telling the
cabby to stop, but he didn't take the slightest notice. Arthur,
I'd done it three times. He kept it down so
I couldn't open it. It was a crowd round my
door when the cab drove up, and in the middle
(18:10):
of it was my missus, the woman next door and
her husband what had just come home. Half a dozen
of em helped me out, and before I could say
a word, the cabman drove off and left me there.
I dream of it now sometimes standing there, explaining and explaining,
until just as I feel I can't bear it any longer,
(18:31):
two policemen come up and help me indoors. If they
had helped my missus outside, it would be an easier
dream to have. And of his other self by W. W.
Jacobs
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