August 10, 2025 • 30 mins
A compilation of humorous shows ranging from slapstick sketches to witty banter and family sitcoms. This series highlights the timeless appeal of laughter and character-driven comedy. Explore a world of immersive, ad-free audio experiences from nature sounds to timeless stories at https://www.adfreesounds.com
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
What is an optimist? A person who doesn't crosswood puzzle
in ink? Correct?
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Pay that man eight dollars. What do they call the
inhabitants of Egypt?
Speaker 1 (00:17):
People? Correct? Pay that man nine dollars. Pause.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
It pays to be ignorant as any half hour with
those masters of insanity Harry McNaughton, George Shelton, the Nail
Up Girl, Lula McConnell, and featuring Doc Novic's orchestra. But
now here's the man who proves it pays to be ignorant,
Tom Howard.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Well, here it is again that quiz program which is
making the monkeys think they are pretty smart, with a
board of experts who are past becoming an institution, and
that's where they belong. First we have the celebrated author
mister Harry mcnauton, who's judgment the book entitled how to
Understand the Einstein's Theory or Three Easy Ways to Fall
(01:03):
out of a Boat.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
But here he is. Here he is, mister Harry McNaughton.
I have a poem as the House You'll Never failed, Yes, about.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
The young colon named Paul who went to offensive this ball,
but said to relate, he dressed up as a steak
and was eaten.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
With reddish by all. I hope he was tender. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Another fellow when there was a pound of butter, you know,
he wanted.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
To spread himself. Next, we have a woman who.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Was so big when she goes out at night, she
has to wear headlights.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
A woman who was so stout.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
They had to grease her hips to get her through
the hollow tunnel. Here she is, here, she is as
much of her as we could get in the studio,
Miss Lula mcconnoe, you know this hour, I'm still with
horse racing.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Your wise, Mss McConnell.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Running around those tracks is two strenuous for a woman.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Of your age.
Speaker 5 (01:55):
They really took rid of the trailers yesterday.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I see, I thought you looked pressure this evening. You
know I put everything I had on one horse, Miss McCown.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
You couldn't get everything you.
Speaker 6 (02:06):
Have off my horse?
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Is that slow?
Speaker 5 (02:10):
One of these nights, I'm gonna give you a piece
of my mind.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I see you. You better keep it. You can't afford
it less.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
Lest we have a man who was such a mean
kid his.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Parents ran away from home.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
A man, a man who spent three days in a
revolving door looking for the doorknob.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Mister George Shell.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Mister Shell, say you know, mister Hart, coming up to
the studio of the Sydney, I launched.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
My check book. Yeah, well that isn't serious.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
No, I would have had been if I hadn't been
so smart.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
You were smart. This I gotta hear you. See, no
one else can use them but me. I'll come. I
signed every one of the checks with my name be Mischelle.
And if you have a brain, hits over drawn.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Well, here is the first question on the doctor for
this evening pay attention questions about animals. Here's the question,
what is the habitat of the Bengal tagger?
Speaker 6 (03:06):
Yes, what is what?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Mister?
Speaker 2 (03:10):
What is the habitat of the Bengald tagger?
Speaker 4 (03:13):
He means one of the habits of the Bengal tiger.
I don't mean habit, I mean habitat. Let me put
it this way. Where is the Bengal tagger's abode?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Oh, that's my favorite design pile abode? Mister did you
say a boode? I said a boat. That's what I
thought you said. You know, I thought you said that.
Tell you all carry on sh up stuff.
Speaker 6 (03:36):
I cut it out.
Speaker 5 (03:37):
Well, you mean none of you know where the.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Bengald tagger can be found? Who lost? For mister Hall? Please?
Speaker 6 (03:45):
Well?
Speaker 5 (03:46):
Why why aren't you put an ad in the paper,
mister Howard?
Speaker 1 (03:49):
That wouldn't do any goods? You know tiger's contrey.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Taggers can't read though, All right, play, how did you
come to lose height?
Speaker 5 (03:56):
Didn't losing?
Speaker 6 (03:57):
Well?
Speaker 1 (03:57):
How do you like that he didn't lose him? Yes,
nurse to look for him. If you didn't lose him,
it put me found. He must be long?
Speaker 5 (04:06):
Wait I get you.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Please tell me. Doesn't the tiger belong to the cat family? Yes,
that's right. The tiger is a member of the cat family.
Speaker 5 (04:14):
Why didn't you ask missus Katsar.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
There's the colla You have a one track mind?
Speaker 4 (04:21):
I have, yes, and there's always a two train on it.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Look, that's your got it. I'm trying to find where
the Bengal tiger is found.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
The rather, what part of the world the Bengal tiger lives?
Speaker 1 (04:32):
That's three times he's changed the question.
Speaker 5 (04:35):
Yeah, I mean you change them.
Speaker 7 (04:37):
I don't like tiger.
Speaker 8 (04:39):
I like kangaroo, kangaroo much, Tutor.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I saw a kangaroo up at the zoo yesterday was
carrying two little baby.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Kangaroos in front of it. Two baby kangaroo. Yes, it
opened a second front. You know, I saw a kangaroo
up there the younger game. It was crying its eyes out.
What was the matter when you see the.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Baby kangaroo ran away and left mama holding the bag.
Speaker 6 (05:04):
Out of mother cop.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Now we come to that part of program, and we
asked the studio audience to help us out. We've invited
two members of the audience up here in the stage.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
They can ask the experts a question.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
If they get an intelligian answer, we give them the
controlling interest in the Columbia Broadcasting system.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
If they don't, we.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Give them the experts if they'll take them. Who was
our first guest this evening, mister.
Speaker 9 (07:52):
Roberts, Our first guest, mister Howard is technician fourth grade.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Jesse Kaplin of the United States Army. How do you do, sir?
Speaker 4 (08:04):
Technician?
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Fourth grade? Well, we have something in common. Fourth grade.
That's as far as I got in school. So let's
get gone. Where are you made the grade? I never
made the grain never mind. Where where are you from,
Jesse Kaplan? That is your hometown? Would you care to
tell us? Oh, yeah, I'm from Brooklyn, New York. Oh boy,
(08:28):
there one of our allies.
Speaker 6 (08:29):
One of our allies.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
All right, yeah, are you used to are used to
walking that town?
Speaker 6 (08:36):
Terrible?
Speaker 1 (08:37):
That's a barber annisoda water farm?
Speaker 10 (08:39):
You were?
Speaker 4 (08:40):
You were a barber the soda palmm, yeah, I used
to shave the ice.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Well, there's the caplin that these jerks are annoying. You
all have them exterminated. What are you doing here? I
suppose your homeown a furlo?
Speaker 8 (08:54):
Is that right?
Speaker 4 (08:54):
That's right?
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Well, that's fine. I hope you're enjoying yourself. What did
you do before you entered the sir of this? I
was a writer? You were a writer? What kind of
a writer?
Speaker 4 (09:04):
It was the right gags for radio comedians.
Speaker 7 (09:10):
You So you're one of those guys. I've always one
of the main one of you.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Follows your old gags already? What kind of say? Would
you chess? For instant? Would you tell us one of
your gags for a ja? Have you got one you
could tell us?
Speaker 6 (09:33):
Like?
Speaker 4 (09:34):
Yeah, I got one.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
A friend of mine went to see a doctor about
a week back, and the doctor asked him when did
he get the week back? And he said about a
week back.
Speaker 7 (09:54):
Wow, now I know why you're in the fourth great.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
You know? Uh changing the subject sounds and captain, now
you know I was in the last war. Yes, never,
never forget one night the captain said you won't have
to do God due to the night.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
So I called up my girl and said, let's go out.
Speaker 6 (10:15):
I'm on God.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
And what did she say? She said, you may not
be on God, but I am. That's what I was thinking.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
You're not interrupt while I'm talking to a guest.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Are you having a good time? I always have a
good time. I'm not talking to you. Thanks for the favor.
They no attention. We're very, very glad to have you
with us.
Speaker 5 (10:34):
Yeah, what's your first name?
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Honey? Jesse sweetheart? What Jesse sweetheart?
Speaker 5 (10:43):
I'm getting a break?
Speaker 6 (10:48):
Hey kid?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
This how Yes? He is your boy on the man you.
Speaker 5 (10:54):
Hated a lorde Holly, you could just call me lady
your dime?
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, yeah, I have such beautiful you have you look
more like a horse. Well, Jesse, I we've enjoyed having
you with us.
Speaker 7 (11:07):
When you reach into the Dunce cap there and pick out.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
A question for us, and when you've got a hold
of one would you kindly read it right into the microphone,
if you will.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
I have it right here. How many instruments are there
in a string quart tet?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
How many instruments are there in a string quartet?
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Who the how? That's a musical question, isn't it? Yeah,
that's the musical question?
Speaker 4 (11:27):
No, I think the devil with you, two, gentlemen. I
say it is not a musical question.
Speaker 5 (11:31):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Well, what kind of a question is it?
Speaker 6 (11:34):
On high and.
Speaker 4 (11:35):
Impartial authority, I would say there's.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
A mathematical question.
Speaker 4 (11:38):
I see, and no other exploint can make that state.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
I see when you.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Stay away from Ken Roberts, that guy how said, let's
get on here. How I don't anserd anymore of the
would know it's a musical question.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Jeff House, mister holler, right right?
Speaker 4 (11:54):
I see, And that's beside the point. I say the
question is a mathematical question because it asked how many instruments?
Not what kind of instruments?
Speaker 3 (12:03):
That's right?
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Well, now wait a minute, mister Shell. Mister Shell has
a point there. You could call it a mathematical question,
that's right.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
You do you mind if I call it a musical question?
I don't care what to call it. Just try and
ask you. Well, I'm gonna call it a mathematical question,
that's right. What the what are you going to call
the question? Miss mcconnaell, What was the question? Let's McConnell.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
If you ever change your mind, try and get a
better one with it.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Look, do any of you know what a musical instrument is?
Speaker 6 (12:39):
Do we?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Why?
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Rather? What do you mean as the hard Why? I
played musical instruments, especially the mouth organ, right, heck, I
have my mouth organ right here with me? Not mine here? Wait,
I'll played for you. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Well you got the mouth dogging in your mouth, but
I can't hear anything.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
I'm playing Silent Knight. You played it purtifully.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Yeah, mister mcnont, your IQ is lower than the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Let's get off, ya hey, let's get off, miss yelling.
Did you ever hear of Gershwin? No?
Speaker 6 (13:16):
I did not.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Well, did you ever hear of Damn Rosh?
Speaker 5 (13:18):
No?
Speaker 6 (13:18):
I did not.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
I never heard of Victor Herbert Ether.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Take their harbord eve here, That's where I'd like to
see you wonder either. Let's get afore you know, I
play a wonderful violin two in fact.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
I can play anything on the violin. Yeah, I bet
you can't play a piano on it. You know, I
was quite a musician in my younger days. You are, Yeah,
I'm not that way. You have some memory your younger days. Now,
When I was one year old, I played on the linoleum,
you know I I I tied them, but I slipped
(13:54):
up on it.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Why don't you two by the flat heap someplace and
lay down on.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
We have a musical question here, oh, musical. Yes, I
was the musical gathering.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
The other night the concert five played Beethoven.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
How Beethoven lost five to two?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Now here is the next question, sir, rather unusual. I
have here a short biographical sketch of a very famous person.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
I will assume the character of this person.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
You are to try and identify Abrah Hamlink Abrahamlen.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Not so fast.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
I haven't given you the first cool yet for sures
you how fast I am.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Yeah, all right, See how fast you can get the
question if you can identify this person by the description
I give you. I was a great explorer. I was
born in Italy in the year fourteen thirty six.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
The son of a wolcomber.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
You were born in fourteen thirty six. That's right by missus, Howard.
You don't look at them now, pay you?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
You know you don't look at day over seventeen. I see,
Sorry a lot, mister mclaugh.
Speaker 6 (15:01):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
I'm just representing his character. You mean you were his agents? Lah,
I'm taking I'm taking his identity.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
I was born in Italy fourteen thirty six, the son.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Of a wil comer.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
The turn of a want.
Speaker 6 (15:17):
Will hard.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
After I left school, I went to see Now who
am I? Oh, that's easy, you're Tom Howard. I'm Tom
how Wait.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
A minute, I know I'm Tom Howard, but right now
i'm someone out.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
Well, I hope the change is an improvement.
Speaker 6 (15:32):
Now who are you? Now?
Speaker 5 (15:35):
What's your first name?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Honey? Right it now? Look, I'll give you another clue.
One day, while playing with a name, I decided the.
Speaker 6 (15:45):
World was round?
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Now who am I? He still doesn't know who he is?
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Why don't you call up a Bureau of Missing Person?
The first he loses a tiger, Now he's loss himself.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
While I get from a man who goes around playing
with eggs and the price of egg today?
Speaker 5 (16:05):
You know what I paid for eggs today?
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Sixty nine cents of all right, sixty nine cents over
your paper?
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Almost scene, okay, horrible?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Well, I mean, I mean miss McConnell. You know, after all,
that's not so expensive. But when you consider it an egg,
the whole day's work for a chicken.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
That's right, that's right, and the superintendent has to eat too.
Speaker 5 (16:28):
Was the silvertendent the rooster.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
This size? Play attention here? And I said before I
to decide, and the world was round.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
I went to Spain and I met Queen Isabella.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
You did tell me? How is the old girl?
Speaker 4 (16:44):
I told the Queen I wanted some ships. I didn't
get the ships.
Speaker 5 (16:48):
But the queen believed in me.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
So what did she do? She taught her how to
swim sh She bond all her jewels, gave me.
Speaker 4 (16:55):
The money to buy ships so I could discover America.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Now who am all those ships he still have? Let
me make it simple. Who discovered America? Don't look at me.
Speaker 5 (17:07):
I've been on a town.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Let me put it this way. What is the name
of the circle at fifty ninth and Broadway?
Speaker 4 (17:15):
You mean way?
Speaker 1 (17:15):
That big statue is in the middle of it.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
That's right, there's a man on top of the statue
right now?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Who am I? Oh statue? That's you? Don't thank you
(19:28):
for another guest?
Speaker 9 (19:29):
What was our next guest, mister Roberts Well, our next guest,
mister Howard is leading air woman Helen Brown of the
Royal Canadian Airport.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Good evening, miss Brown. I'm thank you for coming up.
How do you feel, Miss Brown?
Speaker 6 (19:47):
Very well?
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Thank you to Well, that's very nice. Your hometown would
you care to tell us? Please? Toronto, Ontario? Toronto, Ontario.
Speaker 4 (19:54):
That's fine, great, pop, been that many times.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Chase theator' still there?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
I guess.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Oh, isn't that great? I bet they're proud of you
back home. How long you've been in the service?
Speaker 4 (20:06):
About seventeen months?
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Seventeen months?
Speaker 6 (20:08):
Well?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Great, and I bet I bet you like it too.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
Oh, I love it very much.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Yes, I imagine. Do you know, mister hot how you
stow a girl from Toronto? You did?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Ye?
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Lovely girl? Okay? And what a character her old man were?
Speaker 5 (20:23):
Tell us about it?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Well, it's quite a story, you see, about twenty five
years ago he went up to that town to live,
didn't have a cent.
Speaker 4 (20:30):
He bought a wheelbarrow on credit and started in the
junk business.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
And how much do you think he's worthed today? We'll
tell me how much is he worth? Not a cent?
And not only that, but he stills for the wheelbarrow?
Speaker 6 (20:44):
Is matt hot?
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Can you imagine that's still in for the wheelban His
credit must be good, Hans credit must be fine. All right,
we'll just stop.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
If these knit wits are annoying you, Miss Brown, just
say so and I'll prow asset.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
In her face.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Sir, how do you like New York? I like it
very much. Have you met any of the boys down
here yet?
Speaker 6 (21:03):
No?
Speaker 1 (21:04):
How do you like the boys in New York compared
with the boys in Oh? Are you married?
Speaker 2 (21:08):
No?
Speaker 5 (21:08):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Well, then you can answer that.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
How how do you compare the boys? What do you
ask to the boys in Toronto?
Speaker 10 (21:15):
So?
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I don't know any boys in New York? You don't
know anybody. You haven't met any No? No, well listen,
you haven't been around, mon I imagine all you got
to do is walk one block? You know what I
mean with your appearance? You know, Ms Brown? I was
a doctor in the last war. Were a doctor. I
remember a soldier came to me with a week back.
(21:36):
So I asked him how long he'd had a week back.
Speaker 6 (21:38):
He said.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
So so, he said about a week back.
Speaker 5 (21:48):
He said about a week back.
Speaker 8 (21:50):
Yeah, yeah, I don't get it, mister maccart's.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Let me inform you. At the tards in a few.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
Minutes ago told that guy, Oh so that's what I heard.
Speaker 5 (22:15):
Please, that's I hope they're not annoying you'll, miss Brown.
I love your uniform, Honey, I bet you. I bet
you're pien up driver some let you soldier?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Oh yeah, I bet you is.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Do you think I make a good sinup girl?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Only in a ball an aliment?
Speaker 6 (22:34):
Sorry?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
I I got a question, face Please?
Speaker 1 (22:41):
How would you be kind enough to read the question?
When you get one, just take a time and read it.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
In which season of the year do people take their
summer vacation?
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Very good? In my scene to the here do people
take their summer vacation?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Did you hear the question, mister maccarton, Mister mccartton.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Are you over there? No, I'm over here, you're over
there where the guy is still launched?
Speaker 4 (23:05):
Love the questions about summer vacation.
Speaker 5 (23:07):
I was I take a vacation? Are the teeth being terrible?
Speaker 6 (23:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Why you don't look so hot.
Speaker 5 (23:14):
I'm sitting better lately. I've got one of those inner
spring matisses.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
You did, Yeah, you didn't have to wear it to
the studios.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
To my eyes, the question is. The question is, and
what season of.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
The air do people think of summer vacation?
Speaker 1 (23:30):
My wife and I went to ask me part for
our vacation.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
You did, yes, And the clerk at the hotel office
the silliest questions parts if we wanted twin beds.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Well, what's silly about that? My wife and I are twins.
I mean silly. We don't even look alike. You don't look.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
At I magine you wouldn't look alike your wife, no
doubt has a head.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
But let's get all I say.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
There's no proud of the hotel Sark crowded this year,
all right right? The only room that gave me an
ocean grove was a single room with running water. I
don't like the street for strange all ride.
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Never mind my vacation Atlantic City. I love out of
trouble getting a room. I thought of the Benjamin Franklin Hotel.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Wait a minute, the Benjamin Franklin Hotels in Philadelphia.
Speaker 5 (24:25):
Yes, well, no wonder it was such a long walk
to the beat.
Speaker 10 (25:01):
The football boots stack.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Us sat.
Speaker 6 (26:02):
A man at back, man that man, that man, that.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Bat Well, let's get on with the program before someone
(27:18):
starts another monologue.
Speaker 5 (27:19):
Oh, I tell a new monologue from Sears Roebuck this morning.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
You got a new monologue from him mesmer con You
mean catalog at the book showing the things the store
has for sale? No, no, no, you're wrongs to howd
I think is? You're you're returning to a dialogue?
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Oh I am magotten, You're nuts.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
A dialogue is a conversation between two people.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
And what's a polywog? Answer me that? What's a polywog?
Not awful polywoggers?
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Well, it's an ugly looking animal, makes funny noises and
keeps getting bigger all the time.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
The older it gets, the more it croaks. Now we're
back to miss mccumle again.
Speaker 6 (28:31):
And canon.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
This is the Armed Forces radio service
Speaker 6 (30:01):
That I can past in
What is an optimist? A person who doesn't crosswood puzzle
in ink? Correct?
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Pay that man eight dollars. What do they call the
inhabitants of Egypt?
Speaker 1 (00:17):
People? Correct? Pay that man nine dollars. Pause.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
It pays to be ignorant as any half hour with
those masters of insanity Harry McNaughton, George Shelton, the Nail
Up Girl, Lula McConnell, and featuring Doc Novic's orchestra. But
now here's the man who proves it pays to be ignorant,
Tom Howard.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Well, here it is again that quiz program which is
making the monkeys think they are pretty smart, with a
board of experts who are past becoming an institution, and
that's where they belong. First we have the celebrated author
mister Harry mcnauton, who's judgment the book entitled how to
Understand the Einstein's Theory or Three Easy Ways to Fall
(01:03):
out of a Boat.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
But here he is. Here he is, mister Harry McNaughton.
I have a poem as the House You'll Never failed, Yes, about.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
The young colon named Paul who went to offensive this ball,
but said to relate, he dressed up as a steak
and was eaten.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
With reddish by all. I hope he was tender. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Another fellow when there was a pound of butter, you know,
he wanted.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
To spread himself. Next, we have a woman who.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Was so big when she goes out at night, she
has to wear headlights.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
A woman who was so stout.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
They had to grease her hips to get her through
the hollow tunnel. Here she is, here, she is as
much of her as we could get in the studio,
Miss Lula mcconnoe, you know this hour, I'm still with
horse racing.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Your wise, Mss McConnell.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Running around those tracks is two strenuous for a woman.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Of your age.
Speaker 5 (01:55):
They really took rid of the trailers yesterday.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I see, I thought you looked pressure this evening. You
know I put everything I had on one horse, Miss McCown.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
You couldn't get everything you.
Speaker 6 (02:06):
Have off my horse?
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Is that slow?
Speaker 5 (02:10):
One of these nights, I'm gonna give you a piece
of my mind.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I see you. You better keep it. You can't afford
it less.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
Lest we have a man who was such a mean
kid his.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Parents ran away from home.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
A man, a man who spent three days in a
revolving door looking for the doorknob.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Mister George Shell.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Mister Shell, say you know, mister Hart, coming up to
the studio of the Sydney, I launched.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
My check book. Yeah, well that isn't serious.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
No, I would have had been if I hadn't been
so smart.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
You were smart. This I gotta hear you. See, no
one else can use them but me. I'll come. I
signed every one of the checks with my name be Mischelle.
And if you have a brain, hits over drawn.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Well, here is the first question on the doctor for
this evening pay attention questions about animals. Here's the question,
what is the habitat of the Bengal tagger?
Speaker 6 (03:06):
Yes, what is what?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Mister?
Speaker 2 (03:10):
What is the habitat of the Bengald tagger?
Speaker 4 (03:13):
He means one of the habits of the Bengal tiger.
I don't mean habit, I mean habitat. Let me put
it this way. Where is the Bengal tagger's abode?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Oh, that's my favorite design pile abode? Mister did you
say a boode? I said a boat. That's what I
thought you said. You know, I thought you said that.
Tell you all carry on sh up stuff.
Speaker 6 (03:36):
I cut it out.
Speaker 5 (03:37):
Well, you mean none of you know where the.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Bengald tagger can be found? Who lost? For mister Hall? Please?
Speaker 6 (03:45):
Well?
Speaker 5 (03:46):
Why why aren't you put an ad in the paper,
mister Howard?
Speaker 1 (03:49):
That wouldn't do any goods? You know tiger's contrey.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Taggers can't read though, All right, play, how did you
come to lose height?
Speaker 5 (03:56):
Didn't losing?
Speaker 6 (03:57):
Well?
Speaker 1 (03:57):
How do you like that he didn't lose him? Yes,
nurse to look for him. If you didn't lose him,
it put me found. He must be long?
Speaker 5 (04:06):
Wait I get you.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Please tell me. Doesn't the tiger belong to the cat family? Yes,
that's right. The tiger is a member of the cat family.
Speaker 5 (04:14):
Why didn't you ask missus Katsar.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
There's the colla You have a one track mind?
Speaker 4 (04:21):
I have, yes, and there's always a two train on it.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Look, that's your got it. I'm trying to find where
the Bengal tiger is found.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
The rather, what part of the world the Bengal tiger lives?
Speaker 1 (04:32):
That's three times he's changed the question.
Speaker 5 (04:35):
Yeah, I mean you change them.
Speaker 7 (04:37):
I don't like tiger.
Speaker 8 (04:39):
I like kangaroo, kangaroo much, Tutor.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I saw a kangaroo up at the zoo yesterday was
carrying two little baby.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Kangaroos in front of it. Two baby kangaroo. Yes, it
opened a second front. You know, I saw a kangaroo
up there the younger game. It was crying its eyes out.
What was the matter when you see the.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Baby kangaroo ran away and left mama holding the bag.
Speaker 6 (05:04):
Out of mother cop.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Now we come to that part of program, and we
asked the studio audience to help us out. We've invited
two members of the audience up here in the stage.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
They can ask the experts a question.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
If they get an intelligian answer, we give them the
controlling interest in the Columbia Broadcasting system.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
If they don't, we.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Give them the experts if they'll take them. Who was
our first guest this evening, mister.
Speaker 9 (07:52):
Roberts, Our first guest, mister Howard is technician fourth grade.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Jesse Kaplin of the United States Army. How do you do, sir?
Speaker 4 (08:04):
Technician?
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Fourth grade? Well, we have something in common. Fourth grade.
That's as far as I got in school. So let's
get gone. Where are you made the grade? I never
made the grain never mind. Where where are you from,
Jesse Kaplan? That is your hometown? Would you care to
tell us? Oh, yeah, I'm from Brooklyn, New York. Oh boy,
(08:28):
there one of our allies.
Speaker 6 (08:29):
One of our allies.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
All right, yeah, are you used to are used to
walking that town?
Speaker 6 (08:36):
Terrible?
Speaker 1 (08:37):
That's a barber annisoda water farm?
Speaker 10 (08:39):
You were?
Speaker 4 (08:40):
You were a barber the soda palmm, yeah, I used
to shave the ice.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Well, there's the caplin that these jerks are annoying. You
all have them exterminated. What are you doing here? I
suppose your homeown a furlo?
Speaker 8 (08:54):
Is that right?
Speaker 4 (08:54):
That's right?
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Well, that's fine. I hope you're enjoying yourself. What did
you do before you entered the sir of this? I
was a writer? You were a writer? What kind of
a writer?
Speaker 4 (09:04):
It was the right gags for radio comedians.
Speaker 7 (09:10):
You So you're one of those guys. I've always one
of the main one of you.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Follows your old gags already? What kind of say? Would
you chess? For instant? Would you tell us one of
your gags for a ja? Have you got one you
could tell us?
Speaker 6 (09:33):
Like?
Speaker 4 (09:34):
Yeah, I got one.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
A friend of mine went to see a doctor about
a week back, and the doctor asked him when did
he get the week back? And he said about a
week back.
Speaker 7 (09:54):
Wow, now I know why you're in the fourth great.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
You know? Uh changing the subject sounds and captain, now
you know I was in the last war. Yes, never,
never forget one night the captain said you won't have
to do God due to the night.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
So I called up my girl and said, let's go out.
Speaker 6 (10:15):
I'm on God.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
And what did she say? She said, you may not
be on God, but I am. That's what I was thinking.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
You're not interrupt while I'm talking to a guest.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Are you having a good time? I always have a
good time. I'm not talking to you. Thanks for the favor.
They no attention. We're very, very glad to have you
with us.
Speaker 5 (10:34):
Yeah, what's your first name?
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Honey? Jesse sweetheart? What Jesse sweetheart?
Speaker 5 (10:43):
I'm getting a break?
Speaker 6 (10:48):
Hey kid?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
This how Yes? He is your boy on the man you.
Speaker 5 (10:54):
Hated a lorde Holly, you could just call me lady
your dime?
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, yeah, I have such beautiful you have you look
more like a horse. Well, Jesse, I we've enjoyed having
you with us.
Speaker 7 (11:07):
When you reach into the Dunce cap there and pick out.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
A question for us, and when you've got a hold
of one would you kindly read it right into the microphone,
if you will.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
I have it right here. How many instruments are there
in a string quart tet?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
How many instruments are there in a string quartet?
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Who the how? That's a musical question, isn't it? Yeah,
that's the musical question?
Speaker 4 (11:27):
No, I think the devil with you, two, gentlemen. I
say it is not a musical question.
Speaker 5 (11:31):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Well, what kind of a question is it?
Speaker 6 (11:34):
On high and.
Speaker 4 (11:35):
Impartial authority, I would say there's.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
A mathematical question.
Speaker 4 (11:38):
I see, and no other exploint can make that state.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
I see when you.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Stay away from Ken Roberts, that guy how said, let's
get on here. How I don't anserd anymore of the
would know it's a musical question.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Jeff House, mister holler, right right?
Speaker 4 (11:54):
I see, And that's beside the point. I say the
question is a mathematical question because it asked how many instruments?
Not what kind of instruments?
Speaker 3 (12:03):
That's right?
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Well, now wait a minute, mister Shell. Mister Shell has
a point there. You could call it a mathematical question,
that's right.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
You do you mind if I call it a musical question?
I don't care what to call it. Just try and
ask you. Well, I'm gonna call it a mathematical question,
that's right. What the what are you going to call
the question? Miss mcconnaell, What was the question? Let's McConnell.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
If you ever change your mind, try and get a
better one with it.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Look, do any of you know what a musical instrument is?
Speaker 6 (12:39):
Do we?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Why?
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Rather? What do you mean as the hard Why? I
played musical instruments, especially the mouth organ, right, heck, I
have my mouth organ right here with me? Not mine here? Wait,
I'll played for you. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Well you got the mouth dogging in your mouth, but
I can't hear anything.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
I'm playing Silent Knight. You played it purtifully.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Yeah, mister mcnont, your IQ is lower than the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Let's get off, ya hey, let's get off, miss yelling.
Did you ever hear of Gershwin? No?
Speaker 6 (13:16):
I did not.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Well, did you ever hear of Damn Rosh?
Speaker 5 (13:18):
No?
Speaker 6 (13:18):
I did not.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
I never heard of Victor Herbert Ether.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Take their harbord eve here, That's where I'd like to
see you wonder either. Let's get afore you know, I
play a wonderful violin two in fact.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
I can play anything on the violin. Yeah, I bet
you can't play a piano on it. You know, I
was quite a musician in my younger days. You are, Yeah,
I'm not that way. You have some memory your younger days. Now,
When I was one year old, I played on the linoleum,
you know I I I tied them, but I slipped
(13:54):
up on it.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Why don't you two by the flat heap someplace and
lay down on.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
We have a musical question here, oh, musical. Yes, I
was the musical gathering.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
The other night the concert five played Beethoven.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
How Beethoven lost five to two?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Now here is the next question, sir, rather unusual. I
have here a short biographical sketch of a very famous person.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
I will assume the character of this person.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
You are to try and identify Abrah Hamlink Abrahamlen.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Not so fast.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
I haven't given you the first cool yet for sures
you how fast I am.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Yeah, all right, See how fast you can get the
question if you can identify this person by the description
I give you. I was a great explorer. I was
born in Italy in the year fourteen thirty six.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
The son of a wolcomber.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
You were born in fourteen thirty six. That's right by missus, Howard.
You don't look at them now, pay you?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
You know you don't look at day over seventeen. I see,
Sorry a lot, mister mclaugh.
Speaker 6 (15:01):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
I'm just representing his character. You mean you were his agents? Lah,
I'm taking I'm taking his identity.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
I was born in Italy fourteen thirty six, the son.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Of a wil comer.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
The turn of a want.
Speaker 6 (15:17):
Will hard.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
After I left school, I went to see Now who
am I? Oh, that's easy, you're Tom Howard. I'm Tom
how Wait.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
A minute, I know I'm Tom Howard, but right now
i'm someone out.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
Well, I hope the change is an improvement.
Speaker 6 (15:32):
Now who are you? Now?
Speaker 5 (15:35):
What's your first name?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Honey? Right it now? Look, I'll give you another clue.
One day, while playing with a name, I decided the.
Speaker 6 (15:45):
World was round?
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Now who am I? He still doesn't know who he is?
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Why don't you call up a Bureau of Missing Person?
The first he loses a tiger, Now he's loss himself.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
While I get from a man who goes around playing
with eggs and the price of egg today?
Speaker 5 (16:05):
You know what I paid for eggs today?
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Sixty nine cents of all right, sixty nine cents over
your paper?
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Almost scene, okay, horrible?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Well, I mean, I mean miss McConnell. You know, after all,
that's not so expensive. But when you consider it an egg,
the whole day's work for a chicken.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
That's right, that's right, and the superintendent has to eat too.
Speaker 5 (16:28):
Was the silvertendent the rooster.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
This size? Play attention here? And I said before I
to decide, and the world was round.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
I went to Spain and I met Queen Isabella.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
You did tell me? How is the old girl?
Speaker 4 (16:44):
I told the Queen I wanted some ships. I didn't
get the ships.
Speaker 5 (16:48):
But the queen believed in me.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
So what did she do? She taught her how to
swim sh She bond all her jewels, gave me.
Speaker 4 (16:55):
The money to buy ships so I could discover America.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Now who am all those ships he still have? Let
me make it simple. Who discovered America? Don't look at me.
Speaker 5 (17:07):
I've been on a town.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Let me put it this way. What is the name
of the circle at fifty ninth and Broadway?
Speaker 4 (17:15):
You mean way?
Speaker 1 (17:15):
That big statue is in the middle of it.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
That's right, there's a man on top of the statue
right now?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Who am I? Oh statue? That's you? Don't thank you
(19:28):
for another guest?
Speaker 9 (19:29):
What was our next guest, mister Roberts Well, our next guest,
mister Howard is leading air woman Helen Brown of the
Royal Canadian Airport.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Good evening, miss Brown. I'm thank you for coming up.
How do you feel, Miss Brown?
Speaker 6 (19:47):
Very well?
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Thank you to Well, that's very nice. Your hometown would
you care to tell us? Please? Toronto, Ontario? Toronto, Ontario.
Speaker 4 (19:54):
That's fine, great, pop, been that many times.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Chase theator' still there?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
I guess.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Oh, isn't that great? I bet they're proud of you
back home. How long you've been in the service?
Speaker 4 (20:06):
About seventeen months?
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Seventeen months?
Speaker 6 (20:08):
Well?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Great, and I bet I bet you like it too.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
Oh, I love it very much.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Yes, I imagine. Do you know, mister hot how you
stow a girl from Toronto? You did?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Ye?
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Lovely girl? Okay? And what a character her old man were?
Speaker 5 (20:23):
Tell us about it?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Well, it's quite a story, you see, about twenty five
years ago he went up to that town to live,
didn't have a cent.
Speaker 4 (20:30):
He bought a wheelbarrow on credit and started in the
junk business.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
And how much do you think he's worthed today? We'll
tell me how much is he worth? Not a cent?
And not only that, but he stills for the wheelbarrow?
Speaker 6 (20:44):
Is matt hot?
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Can you imagine that's still in for the wheelban His
credit must be good, Hans credit must be fine. All right,
we'll just stop.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
If these knit wits are annoying you, Miss Brown, just
say so and I'll prow asset.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
In her face.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Sir, how do you like New York? I like it
very much. Have you met any of the boys down
here yet?
Speaker 6 (21:03):
No?
Speaker 1 (21:04):
How do you like the boys in New York compared
with the boys in Oh? Are you married?
Speaker 2 (21:08):
No?
Speaker 5 (21:08):
I'm not.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Well, then you can answer that.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
How how do you compare the boys? What do you
ask to the boys in Toronto?
Speaker 10 (21:15):
So?
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I don't know any boys in New York? You don't
know anybody. You haven't met any No? No, well listen,
you haven't been around, mon I imagine all you got
to do is walk one block? You know what I
mean with your appearance? You know, Ms Brown? I was
a doctor in the last war. Were a doctor. I
remember a soldier came to me with a week back.
(21:36):
So I asked him how long he'd had a week back.
Speaker 6 (21:38):
He said.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
So so, he said about a week back.
Speaker 5 (21:48):
He said about a week back.
Speaker 8 (21:50):
Yeah, yeah, I don't get it, mister maccart's.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Let me inform you. At the tards in a few.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
Minutes ago told that guy, Oh so that's what I heard.
Speaker 5 (22:15):
Please, that's I hope they're not annoying you'll, miss Brown.
I love your uniform, Honey, I bet you. I bet
you're pien up driver some let you soldier?
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Oh yeah, I bet you is.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Do you think I make a good sinup girl?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Only in a ball an aliment?
Speaker 6 (22:34):
Sorry?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
I I got a question, face Please?
Speaker 1 (22:41):
How would you be kind enough to read the question?
When you get one, just take a time and read it.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
In which season of the year do people take their
summer vacation?
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Very good? In my scene to the here do people
take their summer vacation?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Did you hear the question, mister maccarton, Mister mccartton.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Are you over there? No, I'm over here, you're over
there where the guy is still launched?
Speaker 4 (23:05):
Love the questions about summer vacation.
Speaker 5 (23:07):
I was I take a vacation? Are the teeth being terrible?
Speaker 6 (23:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Why you don't look so hot.
Speaker 5 (23:14):
I'm sitting better lately. I've got one of those inner
spring matisses.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
You did, Yeah, you didn't have to wear it to
the studios.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
To my eyes, the question is. The question is, and
what season of.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
The air do people think of summer vacation?
Speaker 1 (23:30):
My wife and I went to ask me part for
our vacation.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
You did, yes, And the clerk at the hotel office
the silliest questions parts if we wanted twin beds.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Well, what's silly about that? My wife and I are twins.
I mean silly. We don't even look alike. You don't look.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
At I magine you wouldn't look alike your wife, no
doubt has a head.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
But let's get all I say.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
There's no proud of the hotel Sark crowded this year,
all right right? The only room that gave me an
ocean grove was a single room with running water. I
don't like the street for strange all ride.
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Never mind my vacation Atlantic City. I love out of
trouble getting a room. I thought of the Benjamin Franklin Hotel.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Wait a minute, the Benjamin Franklin Hotels in Philadelphia.
Speaker 5 (24:25):
Yes, well, no wonder it was such a long walk
to the beat.
Speaker 10 (25:01):
The football boots stack.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Us sat.
Speaker 6 (26:02):
A man at back, man that man, that man, that.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Bat Well, let's get on with the program before someone
(27:18):
starts another monologue.
Speaker 5 (27:19):
Oh, I tell a new monologue from Sears Roebuck this morning.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
You got a new monologue from him mesmer con You
mean catalog at the book showing the things the store
has for sale? No, no, no, you're wrongs to howd
I think is? You're you're returning to a dialogue?
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Oh I am magotten, You're nuts.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
A dialogue is a conversation between two people.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
And what's a polywog? Answer me that? What's a polywog?
Not awful polywoggers?
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Well, it's an ugly looking animal, makes funny noises and
keeps getting bigger all the time.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
The older it gets, the more it croaks. Now we're
back to miss mccumle again.
Speaker 6 (28:31):
And canon.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
This is the Armed Forces radio service
Speaker 6 (30:01):
That I can past in
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