November 3, 2025 • 29 mins
A compilation of humorous shows ranging from slapstick sketches to witty banter and family sitcoms. This series highlights the timeless appeal of laughter and character-driven comedy.
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Why does a chicken cross the street.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Because it's got the green light? Correct?
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Pay that man eight dollars. What did Julia Caesar say
when Brutus stabbed it?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Ouch? Correct?
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Pay that man nine dollars before it pays to be ignorant.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
Another half hour and Radio's Biggest Hatch of Movies with
Lula McConnell, George Shelton, Harry McNaughton, don Novic's Rhythm, Butcher's
and the Zaneist of the Zany's Tom Howard.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Him you Johnny, and what do you mean, ladies and gentlemen. Well,
here we are again with that quiz program that is
a favorite with a scissor grinders union. Because it's so dull.
We have a bar. We have a buarterback. First, who
are so dumb they think a clothes shop is a
store that's gone out of business. First, we have to
celebrate author mister har mc daughton, who has just written
a book titles how to Flirt? Or he who gets slapped?
(01:03):
But here he is mister Harry mccartton. I have a poem,
mister hah, I see is Mary had a bathing shoot
the legious style, no doubt.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
For whenever she got in it. She was more than
halfway out.
Speaker 5 (01:16):
Very thin girl.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Okay, I stood side. Where is that Marco Repson?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Next? Next, we have a woman who was so big
three FBI men trailed her for five blocks. They thought
she was hoarding helium.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
A woman, a woman.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Who casts such a big shadow at the beach last
summer the coast Guard ran up the storm signals. But
here she is America's biggest transportation problem. Miss Lulu McConnell,
you know that's the.
Speaker 6 (01:42):
Howard I was on the Mary Kelly the other day.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Mary.
Speaker 6 (01:44):
Oh, her husband's so good to her. He's got her
a maid.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Fine, but he has around the house himself.
Speaker 7 (01:51):
He washes the dishes, washes the floors, he washes the laundry.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Wait a minute, what about the maid.
Speaker 6 (01:58):
Oh, she washes herself.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Well, at least he's clean. It's even hard to get
him made to do that these days.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Nice.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
We have a man. Next, we have a man who
may not have been the brightest kid when he went
to school in his class, but he was the oldest.
Here he is a man, a man so lazy he
sits up all night to keep him from washing his
face in the morning. Here he is mister George Shelton.
Speaker 8 (02:23):
Tell you know, mister Howard, you're not traffic gets voice
and wasice in New York all the time?
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Was worse?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Yeah? Either travel time? Finding a pace to park my
car tonight? Oh you did?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
What do you finally do? Well?
Speaker 8 (02:33):
I finally find a spot mark safety zone, boy, safety
can put it there, So I parked it there.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Very good. I know the car is saying, yeah, yeah, either.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Won't cast your saying, I just sound only about twenty bucks,
all right? While out of the r folks to never
mind that that is our regular board of experts with
us this evening. We are pleased and honored to have
a most distinguished author, actor, critic and hand him and
the poplar mister Robert Benchley. Good evening, mister benchlep. Was
(03:17):
nice of you to come.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Well, I couldn't go anywhere else my laundry and come back.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
I see.
Speaker 5 (03:23):
It's the only place I could come with a dirty shirt.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
I see what to mean while speaking about a dirty shirt,
I'd like you to meet mister Sheldon.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
There are a bench old boy, what an odd shaped
head you have. I think, coming to a point as
it does, it would be dangerous in the thunderstorm.
Speaker 5 (03:44):
Are you insured?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
He's not only insured, he's insulated.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I suddenly am.
Speaker 8 (03:51):
I suddenly am? I've never been so insulated? Normal life light,
I don't have to sit in have you towerate me?
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Long?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Your meaning son? And mister Bensley, the lady sitting next
to you in those two seats, it's best Lula McConnell.
Speaker 6 (04:09):
Oh, mister Bensley, you mind might call you Bob? How
did chummy and Covey and steps? You can just call
me Lulu?
Speaker 5 (04:18):
Am I likely to have occasion to call you?
Speaker 9 (04:23):
Isn't a sweet?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (04:25):
I like him already, all right?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Fine.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
And the gentleman on your left, mister Benchley, is mister McNaughton.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
How do you do how you do?
Speaker 5 (04:32):
Pleasure?
Speaker 3 (04:32):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (04:32):
Bye, it's a pleasure McNaughton. Oh yeah, rolland Young told
me about.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
You Roally Young. Yes, he was on the program last week.
Speaker 5 (04:40):
We got along swimming there you want to have Young
said you were all with.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Just a minute before we start getting personal, let's get
on with the questions. Here's the first one. I will
read the first half of a very well known axiom.
I want you to complete it here. It is not
pay attention never cross some bridge. Now finish that for me?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Will you please finish walk the bridge?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
No? No, no, finish the old saying never cross the bridge.
I don't get it, all right, never mind, you never do.
Haven't none of you heard of the old slay and
it begins with never cross the bridge?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I heard the woner stitching time saves nine?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Oh no, that's not the one. Besides, that's the whole saying.
Mister Benchley, what have you got to say about it?
I think it's fine, Oh you do, you'll think what's fine?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
I think a stitch in time saves nine is fine,
especially for people who go around saving stitches.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Ah well, you know they do come in handy sometimes
I don't like them.
Speaker 6 (05:38):
You don't like what stitch and stitches I wear my
sun least?
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Oh wait a minute, never mind, you haven't got a size.
Let's get on here. What I mean is, e Benchley,
what do you think of the play? And it begins
with never cross the bridge?
Speaker 5 (05:55):
I think it's silly.
Speaker 9 (05:57):
You?
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Well, what's silly about it?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You ever stopped to consider how difficult it to be
to go through life never crossing bridges.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
I agree with you, mister Benchley.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I agree with your boy.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
You're bound to come to a bridge sooner or later.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
I mean you say never cross it? Yet what does
one do? I mean to stand and stare it?
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Hi?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Besides, he's right.
Speaker 8 (06:17):
Besides, suppose you don't cross the bridge, how are you
going to get the other side of the river without
getting all wet?
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Well, of course you could build a tunnel. That wouldn't
be practical, would it, Oh? I know, yes, that would
be all right.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
How about the Harlow Tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, mister Shelton,
The Holland Tunnel.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Only goes under the Hudson River, do you see? I mean,
after all, what about the other rivers? About them?
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Don't suppose you carry I don't really suppose you carry
the Holland Tunnel around with you.
Speaker 5 (06:45):
It would be too bulky.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
No, that would be a little heavy. I don't get
it because they not.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
I I have an idea. I have an idea.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Of course, you might try building a portable tunnel, you see,
you know, one that you could sort of fold up,
you see when you came.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
To a bridge, unfolding, you know, just like a bridge.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Table, just like a bridge paper. Lesda mcgont and I
wish you had pulled up. Will you guys cut it out?
Speaker 5 (07:09):
You don't what I think. I think a boat would
be more practical.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
A boat my word? You mean, carry a boat around
with you till you come.
Speaker 8 (07:15):
To a bridge of say, wait a minute, wait a minute,
how about a barge?
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Why they're not at le ves McConnell out of it,
will you please?
Speaker 10 (07:25):
Hodda?
Speaker 2 (07:27):
I said it?
Speaker 6 (07:28):
Why you don't glide a pizza punk? You're still saying
you have to swallow a wallet every morning to keep your.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Pants on, Thank you, love. The question is not about tunnels.
All I want to know is I want you to
try and finish the old saying never cross a bridge
until you come to it. There I said it. I
told you never cross a bridge until you come to it.
That's sill the other on the first line. I mean,
after all, how can you cross a bridge? Or but
(07:56):
if you don't come to it, well, you're so you're so.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Right, You really are all right, thank you. You can
get into no end of trouble crossing bridges before you
cover to me?
Speaker 5 (08:04):
Know that?
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Did you ever try? No?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
But I'll never forget the time I was driving a
car I tried to turn a corner.
Speaker 5 (08:11):
Before I came to it. Oh, it was a terrible mistake,
you know.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
But the owner of the hardware store was very nice
about it. He should be for only twenty thousand.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
All right, none of money.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
Please, don't get it.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
That's the kind of money that you don't get.
Speaker 6 (08:23):
What's all that's got to do with a question?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
What questions?
Speaker 6 (08:26):
The one of ours at the time says, not.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
Told me something?
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Who are these two normal people sitting over here? No,
I'm well there two people with heads.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Oh I see who? Well? I see why? To me,
mister Benchley, You see, this is the part of the
program where we invite people from the audience. We have
invited two people up from the audience to help us out.
They can ask the experts a question. If they get
an intelligent answer, we give them one thousand shares of
American Tell the tell if they don't. If they don't,
we just give them one of Ms McConnell's old diestcarded girdles.
Speaker 5 (09:08):
Who is the first?
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Who is the first? Contested, Mister Roberts.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
First is Private Nick Scarrow of the United States Infantry.
Speaker 9 (09:16):
Oh that's what.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Were they?
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Then?
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Privates Goud This Isded a pleasure, and thank you a
lot for coming up here. Where are you from? I
mean your hometown? Would you care to tell it?
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Raway, New Jersey?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Ruaway, New Jersey.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Wow, you're right fight at home, baby, Rway, New Jersey.
Waltz me around and call me Willie. You know I
used to walk. I used to work in that town.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah, we're having trouble with that left tonsil.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Yeah, I'm a surgeon in a bakery shop. You you
were you were a surgeon in a bakery shop. Yeah,
I used to make the incisions in the jelly donut.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Look please, Well you're kindly play a little attention to
our guests.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Here, certainly, mister, what was the question?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That was the question, Lester Sheldon? Are you a member?
Speaker 5 (10:07):
So that's a good question. Loo set that in.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Pay pay no attention to them private card. How long
have you been in the service?
Speaker 5 (10:19):
Six months?
Speaker 4 (10:20):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (10:21):
Six months?
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Fine?
Speaker 1 (10:22):
What did you do before you entered the service?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I was a printer, a printer.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Well, you're a good type for that.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
You were a.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Printer's never mind never mind the setup, you know.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
I I I remember the time I was in the
last four Yes, world, I remember it. The Satan said
to me. Remember, your rifle is your best friend.
Speaker 5 (10:39):
Treated tenderly.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Ag.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
That's what you would your wife every morning. Wipe it
off with an oily rag. He told me that I'd
like to try that on my wife.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
And she gets up oily.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
She gets up oily. All right, play never mind the
Brooklyn accent. Let's get on there. Please just let us
ignore them private.
Speaker 9 (10:59):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
As I said before, we're very very happy to have
you with us.
Speaker 7 (11:02):
Yeah, what's your first name, honey?
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Nick?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Nick?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Nick? It's a cure name in name, all right.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
He's a cute kid.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Chill, it's very nice.
Speaker 6 (11:13):
And the boy, well, you can just call me coughing. Yeah,
I'm so strong and stimulating.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I am mad. You're you're off so weak in the
bean my name.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Nick?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Will you reach into the dunecap there and help us
out by picking out a question, if you will, please,
And when you get a hold of one, would you
kindly read it for us? Ride into the microphone now
in front of you, Take your time and read the question.
Speaker 5 (11:40):
In what ceremony is a wedding ring?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
You? Thank you a lot? In what ceremony? Please no
coaxing from the audience please, And what theemoy is a
wedding ring? Us? Did you hear that question, mister Benchley?
Speaker 5 (11:56):
Certainly? What do you think I am?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I see that's a sixty four dollars question. I just
asked you. Did you hear the question?
Speaker 5 (12:03):
I heard it. It was something about a wedding ring,
wasn't it?
Speaker 2 (12:05):
That's right?
Speaker 6 (12:06):
What about a wedding ring?
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Who lost it? Who lost it? Nobody lost it? Look,
let me give you the question once the game and
what ceremony do they use a wedding ring? Let me
help you. You're married, aun't you? Miss McConnell sertay.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
I'm married?
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Fine?
Speaker 6 (12:20):
You think the star of my eye is a birthmark?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
All right?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
All right, you say you're married. Tell me something. What
do you wear on your left hand?
Speaker 9 (12:31):
A glove?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
A glove?
Speaker 1 (12:33):
What's on your third finger.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
A hole in the glove?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
The question deals The question deals with the institution of married.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
No one who gets married should be in an institute.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I'll never again.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
My old man was courting me.
Speaker 7 (12:56):
He told me I was the most beautiful winner and
most interesting.
Speaker 5 (13:01):
Girl he ever knew. And you married him after he
deceived you like that.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
A friend of mine got married last week, Little Sydney
is now he's taking French lessons?
Speaker 5 (13:12):
Do you mean he married a French girl?
Speaker 9 (13:13):
No is.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
He talks in his sleep and he doesn't want his
wife to know what he's saying. Don't you going India?
A man doesn't see his wife until after he's married.
Speaker 5 (13:22):
Same thing in Brooklyn.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Marriage is a wonderful thing. No family should be without it,
No family should be pammy.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Please get home with a question? And what ceremony do
they use a wedding ring? Look, and two people are
getting married, what does the minister ask for two bucks?
Speaker 6 (13:43):
It's the bed one you've got married and they throw
rice at you.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Yes, but they made a pudding of it first. How
did you meet your husband, miss McConnell.
Speaker 6 (13:51):
Well, he wants into a pool room, and there I was. Yes,
I was playing pool with Mike Kelly.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I say, Kelly Kelly pool.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
That man.
Speaker 6 (14:07):
I'll never forget the night my husband proposed to me if.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
I listen to be a hundred, Well, you only have
a few more weeks to go. He got out on
one knee, rested his head on the curb. Wait a
minute late, rested his head on the curb.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
Yeah, it was New Year's leave. That was as high
as he could get his head.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Now, I had a novel.
Speaker 6 (14:32):
I had an awful time before I married my old man.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
You had an awful time, Yeah, what was the trouble?
Speaker 7 (14:37):
Well, I wouldn't marry him when he was dusk, Yeah,
and he wouldn't marry me when he was sober.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Sort of break monotony, ladies and gentlemen, we will hear
from doctor Novic and his orchestra, who have just completed
a successful engagement at the Chicago Stockyards. Uh, listen and
get a whip of the fuels, Doctor Novick, all off already,
(15:10):
I should go.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Back in the stockyard school. That's what I like.
Speaker 5 (15:16):
Jilbert and Sullivan.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Sounds like Art Shatner Mark to me, so bound bound and.
Speaker 10 (15:54):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
The spring song is starting a winner. It's a mommie
(16:35):
summer evening. And a goodly crowd was there as well.
That makes me feel like we'rexciting. Fine, thank you.
Speaker 10 (18:03):
Moment containg a.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Thank you. I let's get back to the program. Who
is our next guest, mister Roberts.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Our next guest is Howard is Sergeant Johnny Newsom of
the United States Army Air Corps.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
This is indeed a pleasure, Sergeant Newsome, We're very glad
to have you with us, and thanks a lot for
coming up.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
How do you feel?
Speaker 1 (19:27):
That's fine, you say to look it, sny. Is a
pleasure to have you here this evening.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Oh yes, how do you do?
Speaker 5 (19:32):
It's a pleasure having you in the evening?
Speaker 2 (19:34):
All right?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
All right?
Speaker 2 (19:35):
You look so charming, so sweet, so demure.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
All right, mster McNaught, will you kindly draw in your
fangs please.
Speaker 6 (19:44):
Mister mcnorton, you are quite laying them.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Rather wherever I go, women screaming.
Speaker 5 (19:49):
What do you use? Mice?
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Pay no attention to miss Newsome. Where's your hometown with
your pay to tell us?
Speaker 5 (19:59):
Birmingham, Alabama?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Birmingham, Alabama?
Speaker 8 (20:01):
All right, time you don't make the hard She's the
kind of a girl I'd like to take home to mother.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I see if I could trust the old man.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
All right, this do something? And may I ask? What
is your work in the service?
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Well, I'm here recruiting women for the Women's Army.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Called Wainwright Company, or for the Wainwright Say, oh, yes,
I've read her. That is Marble's well. Lots of success
to you. You girls are certainly doing a great job.
Speaker 5 (20:29):
Girls are a difference. Since I was a boy. I
remember I used to go courting my girl with a
lantern for the lenten.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
I always caught in my wife and the dog.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Look what you're going, it's hord.
Speaker 7 (20:40):
I saw a sailor today and he had I mean
a sold mean and he had two stars on his shoulder.
Speaker 6 (20:47):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (20:48):
What's your girl?
Speaker 6 (20:48):
What that mean?
Speaker 1 (20:49):
Though?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
That's that means he's got two sons in the choy.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
And nus got there and he got a question for he? Please,
and would you be kind enough to read the question,
if you will write into the microphone?
Speaker 5 (21:04):
Please?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Who paid Whistler's mother? That's very good?
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Who paid it Whistler's mother? Now, let's I'll give this
question a little consideration.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
You mean it's how someone's painted with them?
Speaker 6 (21:14):
Mother must have been some devilish kid.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Now, okay, mindes mother?
Speaker 6 (21:20):
I one of them?
Speaker 5 (21:22):
Oh, this is all very silly. Whistler's mother's on a canvas?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
So what my mother's on a diet? Please?
Speaker 1 (21:28):
I'm talking about art.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Aren't who Autsian?
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (21:32):
I know Artisian?
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Well, he knows artisan.
Speaker 5 (21:39):
I can bite my tongue out this.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Eventually, I'm really surprised at you.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
I have my silly moments.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Do any of you know the answer?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Let me see Artesian. Well, yeah, no, it's too deep
from me.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Who paid Whistler's mother. It's the work of a great artist.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Whistler's mother.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Would that be the same gentleman that had the dog?
Speaker 9 (22:02):
Well? What dog?
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (22:04):
I really don't know what dog it was. It seems
to me there was a fellow in the name of
Whistler who had a dog, Mister.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
BENSLEI, what you have in mind is a musical composition,
the Whistler and his dog.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Did he have a mother?
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Did he have a mother?
Speaker 5 (22:18):
Who the dog?
Speaker 1 (22:18):
No?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
The Whistler?
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Well, I wouldn't want to have you quote me, honest,
but I think he did have a mother.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Thank you, thanks for that information. I'm glad to know
that Whistler's dog had a mother. A wait a minute,
This is all besides the point.
Speaker 6 (22:33):
I love dogs. Do you have a dog, mister Eventley.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Yes, in fact, I have a very very nice dog.
I played checkers with him every night.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
You play checkers with your dog, Well, he must be
a very smart dog.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Oh, he's not so smart. Last night I beat him
two games out of three.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
That question is not about dogs. Do any of you
know anything about art? Have you ever been to the
art museum? Oh?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I've walked to the Art Museum every Sunday.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Oh fine, Now what do you go up to the.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
I have the peanut concession outside.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Minter Sheldon. You're a more on of the first water.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
You're quite a drip yourself.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Thank you.
Speaker 6 (23:11):
You know I bog a bird dog once, but he
was no good.
Speaker 5 (23:15):
Oh damn, the bird dog was no good.
Speaker 9 (23:16):
No.
Speaker 7 (23:17):
I took him home, put him in a cage and
he wasn't singing.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Note Miss McConnell, I hated you two years before.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I met you.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Now let's get on here.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
You take that other dog of mine. That's all that
other dog that was a smart dog. Oh yeah, he
was with Admiral Bird when he went to the south pole.
In fact, my dog reached the pole first.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Your dog reaching the ball had me answer the question.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Please, there was another dog I had dog.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
You've never seen a dog like him like that other
he could He had only one eye in the center.
Speaker 5 (23:51):
Of his head.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
One eye in the center of his head.
Speaker 5 (23:54):
They tell me his mother was scared by a motorcycle.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Never mind, mister bench I don't want to hear no
more about your dog. Mister Benjie, do you realize you
haven't made an attempt to answer any question all evening.
Speaker 5 (24:07):
I'll never forget one dog I had every morning, the
first thing.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
He'd get out of the corner fruit store, take an
apple off the stand and eat it.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Didn't the man stop him.
Speaker 5 (24:18):
No, he was a police dog.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
He was a police.
Speaker 9 (24:22):
You know.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
I had a police dog once. He he's only that size,
just six inches. A shot him.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
That's much too small for the police dog. He was
in the secret Service. Ah was Skeater's walttz. I've never
heard it play like this before. No nobody else did either.
(24:47):
Carrying wheelway where every carries.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
You so like home?
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Dad, you're there.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Oh the trombone player is wonderful. I love his pritsy conna.
Speaker 9 (25:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 11 (25:27):
Somebody want to cut it out? Nothing no matter with
your radio boat drummer, just rock bridgework.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Cut it out.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
The musicians, thank you, thank you, I said, all right, thanks,
thank you.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Doctor.
Speaker 10 (26:40):
No ladies.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Please now. The old clock on the wall tells us
it's time for me to thank our good friend mister
Benchley for spending his valuable time here with us. It
was fun having him, and thank you a lot. Robert
benchmin oh nothing.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
At all this time, And I was glad I was
able to answer the questions for how do you like?
Speaker 2 (27:03):
That is the best?
Speaker 6 (27:05):
Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?
Speaker 5 (27:07):
Promise for Connell, I'd be delighted.
Speaker 6 (27:10):
Well, you just stay in the place and I'll be there.
Speaker 12 (27:29):
Must sponsored would you spend a few more dollars.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
To get a.
Speaker 9 (27:45):
One day? As I was walking down the avenue, I
met a.
Speaker 5 (27:51):
Funny fellow with a funny point of view.
Speaker 9 (27:55):
He didn't have a brainstell working in his head, but
he was very happy.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
And this is what he said.
Speaker 9 (28:05):
It paid to be ignorant, to be dumb, to be dense,
to be ignorant.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Think of that.
Speaker 5 (28:10):
It pay to be ignorant, just like me.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
If best not to know too much, be a dope.
Speaker 9 (28:18):
Your IQ shouldn't show too much, your brain shouldn't grow
too much weight.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
And the scene I took my girl to dinner.
Speaker 9 (28:28):
We had a wonderful team. They had to give my
girl the check because I couldn't read. So you see,
it pay to be ignorant, have no brain, be insane,
just behn It pay to be ignorant, just like me.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
This is the Armed Forces Radio seconds
Speaker 6 (28:52):
Ladies, not Frank my office, all right,
Why does a chicken cross the street.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Because it's got the green light? Correct?
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Pay that man eight dollars. What did Julia Caesar say
when Brutus stabbed it?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Ouch? Correct?
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Pay that man nine dollars before it pays to be ignorant.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
Another half hour and Radio's Biggest Hatch of Movies with
Lula McConnell, George Shelton, Harry McNaughton, don Novic's Rhythm, Butcher's
and the Zaneist of the Zany's Tom Howard.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Him you Johnny, and what do you mean, ladies and gentlemen. Well,
here we are again with that quiz program that is
a favorite with a scissor grinders union. Because it's so dull.
We have a bar. We have a buarterback. First, who
are so dumb they think a clothes shop is a
store that's gone out of business. First, we have to
celebrate author mister har mc daughton, who has just written
a book titles how to Flirt? Or he who gets slapped?
(01:03):
But here he is mister Harry mccartton. I have a poem,
mister hah, I see is Mary had a bathing shoot
the legious style, no doubt.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
For whenever she got in it. She was more than
halfway out.
Speaker 5 (01:16):
Very thin girl.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Okay, I stood side. Where is that Marco Repson?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Next? Next, we have a woman who was so big
three FBI men trailed her for five blocks. They thought
she was hoarding helium.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
A woman, a woman.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Who casts such a big shadow at the beach last
summer the coast Guard ran up the storm signals. But
here she is America's biggest transportation problem. Miss Lulu McConnell,
you know that's the.
Speaker 6 (01:42):
Howard I was on the Mary Kelly the other day.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Mary.
Speaker 6 (01:44):
Oh, her husband's so good to her. He's got her
a maid.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Fine, but he has around the house himself.
Speaker 7 (01:51):
He washes the dishes, washes the floors, he washes the laundry.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Wait a minute, what about the maid.
Speaker 6 (01:58):
Oh, she washes herself.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Well, at least he's clean. It's even hard to get
him made to do that these days.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Nice.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
We have a man. Next, we have a man who
may not have been the brightest kid when he went
to school in his class, but he was the oldest.
Here he is a man, a man so lazy he
sits up all night to keep him from washing his
face in the morning. Here he is mister George Shelton.
Speaker 8 (02:23):
Tell you know, mister Howard, you're not traffic gets voice
and wasice in New York all the time?
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Was worse?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Yeah? Either travel time? Finding a pace to park my
car tonight? Oh you did?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
What do you finally do? Well?
Speaker 8 (02:33):
I finally find a spot mark safety zone, boy, safety
can put it there, So I parked it there.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Very good. I know the car is saying, yeah, yeah, either.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Won't cast your saying, I just sound only about twenty bucks,
all right? While out of the r folks to never
mind that that is our regular board of experts with
us this evening. We are pleased and honored to have
a most distinguished author, actor, critic and hand him and
the poplar mister Robert Benchley. Good evening, mister benchlep. Was
(03:17):
nice of you to come.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Well, I couldn't go anywhere else my laundry and come back.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
I see.
Speaker 5 (03:23):
It's the only place I could come with a dirty shirt.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
I see what to mean while speaking about a dirty shirt,
I'd like you to meet mister Sheldon.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
There are a bench old boy, what an odd shaped
head you have. I think, coming to a point as
it does, it would be dangerous in the thunderstorm.
Speaker 5 (03:44):
Are you insured?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
He's not only insured, he's insulated.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I suddenly am.
Speaker 8 (03:51):
I suddenly am? I've never been so insulated? Normal life light,
I don't have to sit in have you towerate me?
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Long?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Your meaning son? And mister Bensley, the lady sitting next
to you in those two seats, it's best Lula McConnell.
Speaker 6 (04:09):
Oh, mister Bensley, you mind might call you Bob? How
did chummy and Covey and steps? You can just call
me Lulu?
Speaker 5 (04:18):
Am I likely to have occasion to call you?
Speaker 9 (04:23):
Isn't a sweet?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (04:25):
I like him already, all right?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Fine.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
And the gentleman on your left, mister Benchley, is mister McNaughton.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
How do you do how you do?
Speaker 5 (04:32):
Pleasure?
Speaker 3 (04:32):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (04:32):
Bye, it's a pleasure McNaughton. Oh yeah, rolland Young told
me about.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
You Roally Young. Yes, he was on the program last week.
Speaker 5 (04:40):
We got along swimming there you want to have Young
said you were all with.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Just a minute before we start getting personal, let's get
on with the questions. Here's the first one. I will
read the first half of a very well known axiom.
I want you to complete it here. It is not
pay attention never cross some bridge. Now finish that for me?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Will you please finish walk the bridge?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
No? No, no, finish the old saying never cross the bridge.
I don't get it, all right, never mind, you never do.
Haven't none of you heard of the old slay and
it begins with never cross the bridge?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I heard the woner stitching time saves nine?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Oh no, that's not the one. Besides, that's the whole saying.
Mister Benchley, what have you got to say about it?
I think it's fine, Oh you do, you'll think what's fine?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
I think a stitch in time saves nine is fine,
especially for people who go around saving stitches.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Ah well, you know they do come in handy sometimes
I don't like them.
Speaker 6 (05:38):
You don't like what stitch and stitches I wear my
sun least?
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Oh wait a minute, never mind, you haven't got a size.
Let's get on here. What I mean is, e Benchley,
what do you think of the play? And it begins
with never cross the bridge?
Speaker 5 (05:55):
I think it's silly.
Speaker 9 (05:57):
You?
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Well, what's silly about it?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You ever stopped to consider how difficult it to be
to go through life never crossing bridges.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
I agree with you, mister Benchley.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I agree with your boy.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
You're bound to come to a bridge sooner or later.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
I mean you say never cross it? Yet what does
one do? I mean to stand and stare it?
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Hi?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Besides, he's right.
Speaker 8 (06:17):
Besides, suppose you don't cross the bridge, how are you
going to get the other side of the river without
getting all wet?
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Well, of course you could build a tunnel. That wouldn't
be practical, would it, Oh? I know, yes, that would
be all right.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
How about the Harlow Tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, mister Shelton,
The Holland Tunnel.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Only goes under the Hudson River, do you see? I mean,
after all, what about the other rivers? About them?
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Don't suppose you carry I don't really suppose you carry
the Holland Tunnel around with you.
Speaker 5 (06:45):
It would be too bulky.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
No, that would be a little heavy. I don't get
it because they not.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
I I have an idea. I have an idea.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Of course, you might try building a portable tunnel, you see,
you know, one that you could sort of fold up,
you see when you came.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
To a bridge, unfolding, you know, just like a bridge.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Table, just like a bridge paper. Lesda mcgont and I
wish you had pulled up. Will you guys cut it out?
Speaker 5 (07:09):
You don't what I think. I think a boat would
be more practical.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
A boat my word? You mean, carry a boat around
with you till you come.
Speaker 8 (07:15):
To a bridge of say, wait a minute, wait a minute,
how about a barge?
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Why they're not at le ves McConnell out of it,
will you please?
Speaker 10 (07:25):
Hodda?
Speaker 2 (07:27):
I said it?
Speaker 6 (07:28):
Why you don't glide a pizza punk? You're still saying
you have to swallow a wallet every morning to keep your.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Pants on, Thank you, love. The question is not about tunnels.
All I want to know is I want you to
try and finish the old saying never cross a bridge
until you come to it. There I said it. I
told you never cross a bridge until you come to it.
That's sill the other on the first line. I mean,
after all, how can you cross a bridge? Or but
(07:56):
if you don't come to it, well, you're so you're so.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Right, You really are all right, thank you. You can
get into no end of trouble crossing bridges before you
cover to me?
Speaker 5 (08:04):
Know that?
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Did you ever try? No?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
But I'll never forget the time I was driving a
car I tried to turn a corner.
Speaker 5 (08:11):
Before I came to it. Oh, it was a terrible mistake,
you know.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
But the owner of the hardware store was very nice
about it. He should be for only twenty thousand.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
All right, none of money.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
Please, don't get it.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
That's the kind of money that you don't get.
Speaker 6 (08:23):
What's all that's got to do with a question?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
What questions?
Speaker 6 (08:26):
The one of ours at the time says, not.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
Told me something?
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Who are these two normal people sitting over here? No,
I'm well there two people with heads.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Oh I see who? Well? I see why? To me,
mister Benchley, You see, this is the part of the
program where we invite people from the audience. We have
invited two people up from the audience to help us out.
They can ask the experts a question. If they get
an intelligent answer, we give them one thousand shares of
American Tell the tell if they don't. If they don't,
we just give them one of Ms McConnell's old diestcarded girdles.
Speaker 5 (09:08):
Who is the first?
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Who is the first? Contested, Mister Roberts.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
First is Private Nick Scarrow of the United States Infantry.
Speaker 9 (09:16):
Oh that's what.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Were they?
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Then?
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Privates Goud This Isded a pleasure, and thank you a
lot for coming up here. Where are you from? I
mean your hometown? Would you care to tell it?
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Raway, New Jersey?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Ruaway, New Jersey.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Wow, you're right fight at home, baby, Rway, New Jersey.
Waltz me around and call me Willie. You know I
used to walk. I used to work in that town.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah, we're having trouble with that left tonsil.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Yeah, I'm a surgeon in a bakery shop. You you
were you were a surgeon in a bakery shop. Yeah,
I used to make the incisions in the jelly donut.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Look please, Well you're kindly play a little attention to
our guests.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Here, certainly, mister, what was the question?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That was the question, Lester Sheldon? Are you a member?
Speaker 5 (10:07):
So that's a good question. Loo set that in.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Pay pay no attention to them private card. How long
have you been in the service?
Speaker 5 (10:19):
Six months?
Speaker 4 (10:20):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (10:21):
Six months?
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Fine?
Speaker 1 (10:22):
What did you do before you entered the service?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
I was a printer, a printer.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Well, you're a good type for that.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
You were a.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Printer's never mind never mind the setup, you know.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
I I I remember the time I was in the
last four Yes, world, I remember it. The Satan said
to me. Remember, your rifle is your best friend.
Speaker 5 (10:39):
Treated tenderly.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Ag.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
That's what you would your wife every morning. Wipe it
off with an oily rag. He told me that I'd
like to try that on my wife.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
And she gets up oily.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
She gets up oily. All right, play never mind the
Brooklyn accent. Let's get on there. Please just let us
ignore them private.
Speaker 9 (10:59):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
As I said before, we're very very happy to have
you with us.
Speaker 7 (11:02):
Yeah, what's your first name, honey?
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Nick?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Nick?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Nick? It's a cure name in name, all right.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
He's a cute kid.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Chill, it's very nice.
Speaker 6 (11:13):
And the boy, well, you can just call me coughing. Yeah,
I'm so strong and stimulating.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I am mad. You're you're off so weak in the
bean my name.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Nick?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Will you reach into the dunecap there and help us
out by picking out a question, if you will, please,
And when you get a hold of one, would you
kindly read it for us? Ride into the microphone now
in front of you, Take your time and read the question.
Speaker 5 (11:40):
In what ceremony is a wedding ring?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
You? Thank you a lot? In what ceremony? Please no
coaxing from the audience please, And what theemoy is a
wedding ring? Us? Did you hear that question, mister Benchley?
Speaker 5 (11:56):
Certainly? What do you think I am?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I see that's a sixty four dollars question. I just
asked you. Did you hear the question?
Speaker 5 (12:03):
I heard it. It was something about a wedding ring,
wasn't it?
Speaker 2 (12:05):
That's right?
Speaker 6 (12:06):
What about a wedding ring?
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Who lost it? Who lost it? Nobody lost it? Look,
let me give you the question once the game and
what ceremony do they use a wedding ring? Let me
help you. You're married, aun't you? Miss McConnell sertay.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
I'm married?
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Fine?
Speaker 6 (12:20):
You think the star of my eye is a birthmark?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
All right?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
All right, you say you're married. Tell me something. What
do you wear on your left hand?
Speaker 9 (12:31):
A glove?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
A glove?
Speaker 1 (12:33):
What's on your third finger.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
A hole in the glove?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
The question deals The question deals with the institution of married.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
No one who gets married should be in an institute.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I'll never again.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
My old man was courting me.
Speaker 7 (12:56):
He told me I was the most beautiful winner and
most interesting.
Speaker 5 (13:01):
Girl he ever knew. And you married him after he
deceived you like that.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
A friend of mine got married last week, Little Sydney
is now he's taking French lessons?
Speaker 5 (13:12):
Do you mean he married a French girl?
Speaker 9 (13:13):
No is.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
He talks in his sleep and he doesn't want his
wife to know what he's saying. Don't you going India?
A man doesn't see his wife until after he's married.
Speaker 5 (13:22):
Same thing in Brooklyn.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Marriage is a wonderful thing. No family should be without it,
No family should be pammy.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Please get home with a question? And what ceremony do
they use a wedding ring? Look, and two people are
getting married, what does the minister ask for two bucks?
Speaker 6 (13:43):
It's the bed one you've got married and they throw
rice at you.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Yes, but they made a pudding of it first. How
did you meet your husband, miss McConnell.
Speaker 6 (13:51):
Well, he wants into a pool room, and there I was. Yes,
I was playing pool with Mike Kelly.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I say, Kelly Kelly pool.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
That man.
Speaker 6 (14:07):
I'll never forget the night my husband proposed to me if.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
I listen to be a hundred, Well, you only have
a few more weeks to go. He got out on
one knee, rested his head on the curb. Wait a
minute late, rested his head on the curb.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
Yeah, it was New Year's leave. That was as high
as he could get his head.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Now, I had a novel.
Speaker 6 (14:32):
I had an awful time before I married my old man.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
You had an awful time, Yeah, what was the trouble?
Speaker 7 (14:37):
Well, I wouldn't marry him when he was dusk, Yeah,
and he wouldn't marry me when he was sober.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Sort of break monotony, ladies and gentlemen, we will hear
from doctor Novic and his orchestra, who have just completed
a successful engagement at the Chicago Stockyards. Uh, listen and
get a whip of the fuels, Doctor Novick, all off already,
(15:10):
I should go.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Back in the stockyard school. That's what I like.
Speaker 5 (15:16):
Jilbert and Sullivan.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Sounds like Art Shatner Mark to me, so bound bound and.
Speaker 10 (15:54):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
The spring song is starting a winner. It's a mommie
(16:35):
summer evening. And a goodly crowd was there as well.
That makes me feel like we'rexciting. Fine, thank you.
Speaker 10 (18:03):
Moment containg a.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Thank you. I let's get back to the program. Who
is our next guest, mister Roberts.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Our next guest is Howard is Sergeant Johnny Newsom of
the United States Army Air Corps.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
This is indeed a pleasure, Sergeant Newsome, We're very glad
to have you with us, and thanks a lot for
coming up.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
How do you feel?
Speaker 1 (19:27):
That's fine, you say to look it, sny. Is a
pleasure to have you here this evening.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Oh yes, how do you do?
Speaker 5 (19:32):
It's a pleasure having you in the evening?
Speaker 2 (19:34):
All right?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
All right?
Speaker 2 (19:35):
You look so charming, so sweet, so demure.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
All right, mster McNaught, will you kindly draw in your
fangs please.
Speaker 6 (19:44):
Mister mcnorton, you are quite laying them.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Rather wherever I go, women screaming.
Speaker 5 (19:49):
What do you use? Mice?
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Pay no attention to miss Newsome. Where's your hometown with
your pay to tell us?
Speaker 5 (19:59):
Birmingham, Alabama?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Birmingham, Alabama?
Speaker 8 (20:01):
All right, time you don't make the hard She's the
kind of a girl I'd like to take home to mother.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I see if I could trust the old man.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
All right, this do something? And may I ask? What
is your work in the service?
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Well, I'm here recruiting women for the Women's Army.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Called Wainwright Company, or for the Wainwright Say, oh, yes,
I've read her. That is Marble's well. Lots of success
to you. You girls are certainly doing a great job.
Speaker 5 (20:29):
Girls are a difference. Since I was a boy. I
remember I used to go courting my girl with a
lantern for the lenten.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
I always caught in my wife and the dog.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Look what you're going, it's hord.
Speaker 7 (20:40):
I saw a sailor today and he had I mean
a sold mean and he had two stars on his shoulder.
Speaker 6 (20:47):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (20:48):
What's your girl?
Speaker 6 (20:48):
What that mean?
Speaker 1 (20:49):
Though?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
That's that means he's got two sons in the choy.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
And nus got there and he got a question for he? Please,
and would you be kind enough to read the question,
if you will write into the microphone?
Speaker 5 (21:04):
Please?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Who paid Whistler's mother? That's very good?
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Who paid it Whistler's mother? Now, let's I'll give this
question a little consideration.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
You mean it's how someone's painted with them?
Speaker 6 (21:14):
Mother must have been some devilish kid.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Now, okay, mindes mother?
Speaker 6 (21:20):
I one of them?
Speaker 5 (21:22):
Oh, this is all very silly. Whistler's mother's on a canvas?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
So what my mother's on a diet? Please?
Speaker 1 (21:28):
I'm talking about art.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Aren't who Autsian?
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (21:32):
I know Artisian?
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Well, he knows artisan.
Speaker 5 (21:39):
I can bite my tongue out this.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Eventually, I'm really surprised at you.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
I have my silly moments.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Do any of you know the answer?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Let me see Artesian. Well, yeah, no, it's too deep
from me.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Who paid Whistler's mother. It's the work of a great artist.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Whistler's mother.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Would that be the same gentleman that had the dog?
Speaker 9 (22:02):
Well? What dog?
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (22:04):
I really don't know what dog it was. It seems
to me there was a fellow in the name of
Whistler who had a dog, Mister.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
BENSLEI, what you have in mind is a musical composition,
the Whistler and his dog.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Did he have a mother?
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Did he have a mother?
Speaker 5 (22:18):
Who the dog?
Speaker 1 (22:18):
No?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
The Whistler?
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Well, I wouldn't want to have you quote me, honest,
but I think he did have a mother.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Thank you, thanks for that information. I'm glad to know
that Whistler's dog had a mother. A wait a minute,
This is all besides the point.
Speaker 6 (22:33):
I love dogs. Do you have a dog, mister Eventley.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (22:36):
Yes, in fact, I have a very very nice dog.
I played checkers with him every night.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
You play checkers with your dog, Well, he must be
a very smart dog.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Oh, he's not so smart. Last night I beat him
two games out of three.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
That question is not about dogs. Do any of you
know anything about art? Have you ever been to the
art museum? Oh?
Speaker 2 (22:55):
I've walked to the Art Museum every Sunday.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Oh fine, Now what do you go up to the.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
I have the peanut concession outside.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Minter Sheldon. You're a more on of the first water.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
You're quite a drip yourself.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Thank you.
Speaker 6 (23:11):
You know I bog a bird dog once, but he
was no good.
Speaker 5 (23:15):
Oh damn, the bird dog was no good.
Speaker 9 (23:16):
No.
Speaker 7 (23:17):
I took him home, put him in a cage and
he wasn't singing.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Note Miss McConnell, I hated you two years before.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I met you.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Now let's get on here.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
You take that other dog of mine. That's all that
other dog that was a smart dog. Oh yeah, he
was with Admiral Bird when he went to the south pole.
In fact, my dog reached the pole first.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Your dog reaching the ball had me answer the question.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Please, there was another dog I had dog.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
You've never seen a dog like him like that other
he could He had only one eye in the center.
Speaker 5 (23:51):
Of his head.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
One eye in the center of his head.
Speaker 5 (23:54):
They tell me his mother was scared by a motorcycle.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Never mind, mister bench I don't want to hear no
more about your dog. Mister Benjie, do you realize you
haven't made an attempt to answer any question all evening.
Speaker 5 (24:07):
I'll never forget one dog I had every morning, the
first thing.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
He'd get out of the corner fruit store, take an
apple off the stand and eat it.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Didn't the man stop him.
Speaker 5 (24:18):
No, he was a police dog.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
He was a police.
Speaker 9 (24:22):
You know.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
I had a police dog once. He he's only that size,
just six inches. A shot him.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
That's much too small for the police dog. He was
in the secret Service. Ah was Skeater's walttz. I've never
heard it play like this before. No nobody else did either.
(24:47):
Carrying wheelway where every carries.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
You so like home?
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Dad, you're there.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Oh the trombone player is wonderful. I love his pritsy conna.
Speaker 9 (25:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 11 (25:27):
Somebody want to cut it out? Nothing no matter with
your radio boat drummer, just rock bridgework.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Cut it out.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
The musicians, thank you, thank you, I said, all right, thanks,
thank you.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Doctor.
Speaker 10 (26:40):
No ladies.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Please now. The old clock on the wall tells us
it's time for me to thank our good friend mister
Benchley for spending his valuable time here with us. It
was fun having him, and thank you a lot. Robert
benchmin oh nothing.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
At all this time, And I was glad I was
able to answer the questions for how do you like?
Speaker 2 (27:03):
That is the best?
Speaker 6 (27:05):
Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?
Speaker 5 (27:07):
Promise for Connell, I'd be delighted.
Speaker 6 (27:10):
Well, you just stay in the place and I'll be there.
Speaker 12 (27:29):
Must sponsored would you spend a few more dollars.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
To get a.
Speaker 9 (27:45):
One day? As I was walking down the avenue, I
met a.
Speaker 5 (27:51):
Funny fellow with a funny point of view.
Speaker 9 (27:55):
He didn't have a brainstell working in his head, but
he was very happy.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
And this is what he said.
Speaker 9 (28:05):
It paid to be ignorant, to be dumb, to be dense,
to be ignorant.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Think of that.
Speaker 5 (28:10):
It pay to be ignorant, just like me.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
If best not to know too much, be a dope.
Speaker 9 (28:18):
Your IQ shouldn't show too much, your brain shouldn't grow
too much weight.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
And the scene I took my girl to dinner.
Speaker 9 (28:28):
We had a wonderful team. They had to give my
girl the check because I couldn't read. So you see,
it pay to be ignorant, have no brain, be insane,
just behn It pay to be ignorant, just like me.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
This is the Armed Forces Radio seconds
Speaker 6 (28:52):
Ladies, not Frank my office, all right,
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