October 30, 2025 • 30 mins
A compilation of humorous shows ranging from slapstick sketches to witty banter and family sitcoms. This series highlights the timeless appeal of laughter and character-driven comedy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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and William gown friends. No Razor blades are sharper than
Blue Star blades, so why pay more? Whitch to Blue
Star and get the quickest, smoothest shaves you ever had.
You'll agree, blue Star blades win on face value. Five
(00:23):
pay more for razor blades when your baseball? No you did?
Now transcribe from Hollywood The American Safety Razor Corporation, makers
of Blue Star Razor Blades, present The Red Skelton Show
(00:51):
When Red Skelton, David Rose's orchestral Lorene Tunnod, Pat McGee
and Dick Ryan, and the Smith Twins will be me
Rod O'Connors From a Skelton scrapbook of satire, a story
(01:11):
entitled The Town Gossip and Its Stars. As Clem can
Ittle Hopper m g M's clown, Red Skelton, welk you all.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You do?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Boy?
Speaker 1 (01:47):
You never expected a voice like that to come out
of me?
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Did you.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Thought of a cowl?
Speaker 5 (01:53):
Maybe?
Speaker 1 (01:53):
But not me? Oh? Sick cow at that. I'm a
bathtub singer myself. I only sing in the bathtub, of course,
I don't sing much. Hey, did you hear what happened
to me the other day? I found a diamond ring
(02:14):
in the bathtub? Really, yeah, what did you do? Wipe
the ring out and put the diamond of a pocket?
I'm going too fast for ring, and let me know
I didn't get it either. Well, tonight, I'd like to
(02:38):
tell you a story about the town gossip and how
they almost ruined my good name. That is, if you
can ruin a name like Caddittle Hopper. Now there's a
name for you, Caditle Hopper. I've been much better off
with a number. Well, it's not to tell the folks
a story. Well, yeah, it's about how a gossip and snowball,
(03:00):
a word grows into a sentence, from a sentence into
a paragraph, and from a paragraph and to a fabulous story.
And there's enough dirt in each man's mind to make
things grow. You see, this all started at the last
national bank that's down on the corner of Hickory and Dickory,
(03:21):
that's down with the docks. Well, there's all the townspeople
and two good friends, Red Skelton, Roud O'Connor. It's Skelton.
What did you come in the bank for it? What
did I come in here for? It rents out a
(03:42):
few things. I came here to deposit my check from
metrop and mare. Are they paying out? Yeah? You keep
one boy, you'll be cut the only two box hops
a week. Well, I got the top of the next
(04:05):
teller's window. Oh look who the teller is? That old
lady who's so near sighted? Who can I help you?
You've got money?
Speaker 6 (04:16):
My goodness, you must be ill. Your face is white?
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Is the sheet? It's the sheet of paper you're looking at. Look? Miss?
Speaker 6 (04:38):
Oh, how did you know I was a miss?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
You haven't hit yet. Look, i'd like to make a wow.
Speaker 6 (04:49):
Did I hear your back book?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Well, my wife is at home on the chase, louds
reading it. Oh, here it is here?
Speaker 6 (05:00):
How on earth did you bank? We'll get this word
on it.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
You're holding my hands. This is the bank book.
Speaker 7 (05:09):
Oh heaven by, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You're a snap a lion. One way it and get
it over with. They're ninety cents a dozen.
Speaker 6 (05:26):
Now, Now, how much did you want to draw out.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Of your shavys?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Well, let's see the bills I've got to pay. Come
to exactly fifty nine dollars.
Speaker 6 (05:37):
Here's your money, ten twenty thirty like esisty fifty five
fifty nine nine. These bills they certainly crisp.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
So take those blotters back and give me some money. Wait,
h Holley clamb will oh are you right back to
you too? That's me always with him fast come back? Yeah,
Well what are you doing in the bank?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
C oh?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
I gets Mosy's in the film A fountain pin? What else?
But clem They don't build banks just so people can
come in and borrowing. Oh you mean they have a sideline.
You know. I used to get my ink at the
post office, but I had to buy my own pin.
Them post office pins are dis great. You see they
(06:29):
play darts with him in the post office pins for
about three weeks before they release them to the podley.
Have you ever tried to make an X with one
of them pins in the post office? All you gotta
do is make an EX and everybody's standing around. He's
got blue freckles. Look at at that bank. Ain't is
(06:54):
getting worse every month? Now. I'm not one to complain,
but if they don't make some improvements to be forced
to take my business elsewhere, Well, don't you keep your
money in the bank? When I should say not, I
keep it in my stock. Boy, that's the reason why
I'm sprouting bunions on my seventh tool. I guess my
shoes just ain't roomy enough to handle all them toes
(07:16):
and them pennies too. Getting back this bank era, how
come you don't keep your money in the bank because
they're always pulling fast on. Now, look at that money
they're handling today, Well, what's wrong with that? That money
ain't ripe. Look, it's still green. You put your money
in the bank. It's the stilliest thing I ever heard of.
You give them all your money and they don't return it.
(07:37):
They just give you a little book full of numbers. Boy,
what a racket that is. Yeah, pull up everybody and
give them that number, and nobody answers. That's the stupidest
thing you ever said. You want to say it over,
I don't know. I think I did fairly well that. Well,
(07:57):
now that I got my pen filled, I guess I'll
get back to the farm. That the chicken house got
struck by lightning last night. You never saw so many
feathers fly in all your life. Did you light then
kill the chickens? No, but it sure affected them. Eggs
are lean, they're ages ain't any good deed anymore, but
they make offan damdy light bulbs. Well kip the move. Ye,
(08:30):
well that's all that happened. And then I stopped into
the bank to film a pen And then I stopped
into the music story to here Dave Roseniy's orchestra played
strenkle patience. Now we got a little news for you
(10:37):
men only. But you ladies can stick around to save face,
not shave face. Save face, then why pay more for
razor blades when your face won't know you did? Your
face will never find a blade sharper than blue Star,
because no razor blades are sharper than blue Star. Figure
(10:58):
it out yourself. Blue Star razor blades are made of
the finest blue steel, and they're ground and honed in
oil just like the highest price blades. They're tops in quality,
but so economical. Think of it. A regular package of
single or double edged Blue Star blades costs only one dime,
(11:19):
and you save plenty when you buy the large economy
size dispensers. So for your very next shave, five blue
Star razor blades. Remember blue Star winds on face value,
so five more more razor blade base won't know you
did well. Here I am lend an ear to mister
(11:51):
footy duties our towns busy bunny. He tries to bend
everybody's ears, Skelton's and o'conners, including Skelton.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
Want this I hear about you or missus Skelton.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Cleaning your teeth? I don't know, mister fuddy, do you?
What is your big ears? Just hurt?
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Well? As you know, I'm not one to gossip.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Since when I.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Don't change the subject. Is it true that you and
your wife have piffed?
Speaker 1 (12:36):
No, Georgia and I have not piffed. If that's supposed,
you're supposed now, you're not supposed to act out those lines.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Come now, missus Skelton, you're forgetting that we're on the
same party line. Oh by the way, this morning I
heard missus Skelton talking to her mother and she said
you've beaten her for the last time.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
She was talking about caster she finally won the game.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Speaker 4 (13:05):
You mean you're not piffed?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Would you stop using that word? It's getting in my eye.
So Georgia and I were never happier.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
Kill joy, mister O'Connor, how are you and your wife
getting along?
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Well, I hate to disappoint you, mister fuddy doddy, but
Sylvie and I are getting along. Swell.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. By the bye, did
you hear all the ladis on Clem kadet Hopper, No, we.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Didn't hear on about it. Stopped poking your big nose
in our little facts.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
Oh yeah, Only a few minutes ago I saw Clem
Braisley walk into this bank and steal some ink from
his fountain pen. And not only that, but he stole
some blotters as well.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Well, what's what terrible about Clem filling his fountain pen? Yeah,
besides the fact he can't write. When he makes an X,
he has to abbreviate that. You know this can develop
an do a three day show. Kinda was talking to
Clem and he didn't steal any water. You want to
mind your own business with your fuddy duddy.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Don't get me wrong, gentlemen, I don't want this scam
to go.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
I infer that.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
That's why I feel it's my duty to phone missus
lumplump and tell her not to breathe it to a soul.
Speaker 7 (14:19):
Why, mister, you say you talk them speak out of
the bank with six ink wells, a dozen blotters and
the manager's swivel chair. I can't believe it, but I will.
I gotta hang up now until Willy before I forget it.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Oh, this will.
Speaker 4 (14:34):
Make me the hit of the bridge.
Speaker 7 (14:35):
Posey, Willy, break up, break up?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Look, Willy, it's almost u.
Speaker 6 (14:42):
Wake up, Willy. I mixed you a short one, not
too much.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Hurry up over better, just opened my mouth and you
pour it in. Come on now get up, Okay, I'm
getting up. Pull my head. Why didn't you tell me
I was sleeping under the dresser? Wait, I have a
rough night. I will never go through that again, go
(15:20):
through walk the case of the nature had a call.
Oh my head, boy, when happened to my hair, I
was all my hair at top of my head, a
ball of lumping.
Speaker 7 (15:33):
You're feeling the ice bag on top of your head?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Ice bag? Or I'm glad to know that I thought
I had water on the brain cubed up on me.
Speaker 6 (15:46):
Now, Billy, open your eyes and look at me.
Speaker 5 (15:51):
You ever do that.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Familiar can Now you've killed my happ a type for breakfast.
The least thing you could do is take that mudpack
off your face.
Speaker 7 (16:03):
I'm not wearing them uppack.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Well cook, what one are The way you look in
the morning, you look like you were celebrating Halloween all
the time. You look like a greas porcupine. Them hair
curlers sticking out like that and no makeup. What are
you trying to do? Stare me the debt or you
can collect on my incurance.
Speaker 6 (16:26):
Oh, come on, get off.
Speaker 7 (16:27):
It's almost new which reminds me, where were you until
three this morning?
Speaker 1 (16:34):
That is a very interesting question. I had to work
late at the office. I was dictating a few letters
into the dictaphone.
Speaker 6 (16:47):
Then what was that I smell on your breath?
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Well, one of those stupid jenitors oil. The dictaphone was gin.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
And all night long.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
I kept talking to me.
Speaker 7 (17:01):
I really forgot mister Buddy that he just called and
told me that plimed little hopper sneaked out of the
bank with all the way safer basket, three adding machines.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
And six cartons of ditchy cops.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
No kidden clim couldttle Harper kidnapped six Ditchi cratch. I
better get over his George barn grill tell him all
about this. Well, like him. Why this really shocked the petzel.
I'll see you later. Now point me to the front
door and get me out of here.
Speaker 7 (17:32):
Willy, that's the shower door, and I've got the shower running.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Don't bother me.
Speaker 6 (17:38):
I know where I'm.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Willy, come out of there. But I buy your bumber stoop.
There's a cloud burst out by hell. I'm going to
have the drugstore and buy a paper. I want to
see there is anything in it about Clym. It might
(18:02):
be gossip spreads. I just heard the Smith Twins. We're
going to sing Gpsy Doodle accompanied by Dave Rose in
the orchestra.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
The disky Doodle the thing to be wase. The dipsy
doodle will get in your head and you forget you
who it hurdn't be worse.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
The things you say, welcome on like you love me,
love you. That's the way the dipsy dools will work.
They do is easy to find.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
It's almost always in back of your mind.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
You never know where. The tears too late and you're
in such a terrible state. The moon jundt you. That's
the way the dipsy dool work.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
When you think that's a crazy you're the victim of
the gipsy.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
But it's not your mind that's hazing.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
If you don't, that's a fault.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Not to do. You better listen and try to be
good and.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Try to do all the things that you should have to.
Look at you some days you think you're crazy. The
things that you say like rhythm, God all Him, that's
the way that this to do.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
When you think that you're crazy, you're the vicsion of
the gipsy. You But it's not your mind that's hazing.
If you don't, that's the fault. Not to do.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
You are listening to try to be good.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
You try to do all the things that you should
it to do. Look at you some day you think
you're crazy. The things that you say like rhythm, God Him,
that's the way that that you do. Work to do.
Speaker 7 (20:00):
That's the way that is.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
Don't why fay more bwing the braid when.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Your faith won't know you again, when your face won't
know you? Did I never do anything? Now I'm telling
my face bur Well red. Here's special news for every
face that shaves with double edged blades. You've got a
real shaving thrill coming when you try blue star double
edged blades they're so sharp and they give you such quick,
(20:50):
smooth shades. But the price of Blue Star Double Edged
blades is incredibly low. Compare Blue Star double edged blades
with any other make at d price. They're made of
the finest blue steel. They're ground and honed in oil,
just like the highest priced blades. But a regular package
of Blue Star Double ads blades costs you only ten
(21:12):
cents only one time. For top quality blades that Blue Star.
Try Blue Star double d Razor blades. You're bound to
agree they win on face value. Speak up faces, tell
your bodies to get Blue Star blades. Sanna's clam singing
(21:37):
at the sort of fountain. Hey, clam, I not you
went back to the farm. Oh all that talk going
around about me, I ain't got the nerve to go back.
I'm a disgrace to the peak pin. Oh buck up, clam. Well,
my teeth are all bucked up, but that's not all.
I'm trying to drown my troubles in a molded Jimmy Yugart.
(21:59):
So you've heard what the people are saying about you. Yeah,
I heard what people have been saying about me. They're
saying I broke every window in the bank trying to
set the place on fire. Oh that's not true. No,
all I did was cash a bum check for ten
thousand dollars. Now you didn't cash any bum check, Yes
I did. I got the past the wreck from the
bluck driver, who heard it from one of his friends,
(22:21):
who heard it from his wife, who heard it from
the milkman, who heard it from his mother in law,
who forgot where see you heard it. Look, that's not true.
I was with you at the time. I saw you
fill your pan with things. Oh no, so how could
too many people do these things to other people? Oh?
Things have really gotten serious when the gossips have even
(22:41):
convinced you. My gosh, don't worry, clem. I'm going out
and put those blabber mouths straight. Come on right, let's go. Hey,
Look there goes Junior running into the house. I'll go
tell his mother the true story about clam. You mean
sinker has returned. I'm on the ladder cleaning the ceiling.
(23:05):
Don't come in here. I've got to come in. I
got something to tell you, Junior.
Speaker 4 (23:09):
Don't open that door.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
I promise not to disturb you. Which out. Oh good heaven,
it looked like I broke my widow. Promise, what did
you break?
Speaker 5 (23:22):
You?
Speaker 6 (23:25):
I told you not to open that door.
Speaker 7 (23:28):
You knocked me off the ladder, and it's a wonder
I didn't break every bone in my body.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Well, come on, mummy, get your head out of the oven.
You liable to wind up with a half baked expression
on your phone.
Speaker 6 (23:38):
I'll teach you to disobey me.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
You come here to me.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
I'm mean now, don't get your hair brushing and uproar.
Remember what happens when you take your high blood brighter
up me, blue.
Speaker 7 (23:49):
Jeans, come down, light hair, good heavens Junior?
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Who gave you that black eye? No one I had
to fight?
Speaker 6 (24:04):
Oh, I'll settle with you later.
Speaker 7 (24:05):
Oh good, March right up to your room and stay
there until I tend.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
You to come down. But before I go, can I
tell you by some gossip?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
No?
Speaker 7 (24:13):
I don't care to hear any gossip.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
Okay, you way boy, But case you're really juicy?
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Right off with a grape spying.
Speaker 7 (24:19):
Junior, I said, I didn't want who's the gossip about?
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Would I tell you later? But I got to get
up through my room. I heard the trim codidle hopper
held up a bank and got away with fifty dollars
dollars and the FBI is not on his trail.
Speaker 7 (24:34):
Why who ever started such a vicious story? I've known
Claim a long time and you could never get me
to believe that about him.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
But Mummy, I tell you that's what they shade.
Speaker 7 (24:42):
They say, Who are they? Just irresponsible busybodies who have
nothing better to do than pick at the character of
their fellow men like bloodthirsty vulture. As a wise man
once said, they say is half a lie.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yes, that's what they shade. And I am with you.
I don't know what you said, but I ain't with
you humming down. I'm glad you don't see any goship
black other people day, Loreen, did you hear about Clym?
Speaker 7 (25:14):
But I think it's terrible what they're saying about poor Claim.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Well, it's worse than you know. I just saw Clem
riding down the street and the police car. They've arrested
him for robbing the banks.
Speaker 6 (25:21):
Oh no, but he's innocent.
Speaker 7 (25:23):
We've got to help him.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
And I know who started it, old mister Floody Duddy,
that old flabber blabber Mount.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
They don't shift hips.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
He started all your gotcha. I'm supposed to meet them
down at the city hall.
Speaker 6 (25:35):
What are we waiting for?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Let's go and I come through.
Speaker 7 (25:38):
Yes, dear, I don't need something to hit mister fuddy
Duddy all.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Over the head, will.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Sergeant. I tell you that Clem's innocence.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
He most certainly is clim garpower.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
He's the nice guy.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
I don't see why the only one is getting so mad.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Oh twin blew, you big blapper mountain right? No, all right,
now I'm the desk stage and here, so let's sleeve
down a bit. Where did this come from? No, mister
fuddy Duddy, you called this to arrest clim Kiddle Hupper.
Now what proof do you have that he held up
the bank? And here you guys you seek calling that money?
Speaker 2 (26:16):
Come on, spick up.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
In the state money, pack up, pick up, Well, officer, I.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Heard that is I thought I heard that is the.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Look at that he Bring your hat in here yourself,
mister fuddy Duddy. I don't care about what you heard.
I want to know, did Clem rub the bank or
did he not rub the bank?
Speaker 3 (26:41):
Well, sir, he took some ink for his fountain pen.
That's Stephen, and he should be arrested.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Oh sure, that's all it was. Do you know what's
gonna happen to you, Judge bing CROs Be gonna beat
you the desk with very Fitzgerald. Clem just took something, yes,
and you had to pick up clem be that hey, Sam,
release clim look a fish blacker mouth too.
Speaker 4 (27:05):
And that second sergeant, why are you arresting me?
Speaker 1 (27:08):
I'm arresting you for carrying a dangerous weapon your mouth.
Take him away before it contaminates all of it. Good,
good for you. Thanks, well, come on, folks, let's go. Yeah,
come on, folks, come on, come on, let me lette
out of here before it charge and recognize you mean
locks me up too.
Speaker 7 (27:25):
Just the second, dear, I hope you remember what you
saw here today. How vicious gossip can hurt a man's character.
Never talk about anyone unless you have proof about them,
because a few words can sometimes be as dangerous as
a gun.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Yea, and them people are always shooting off their mouth too.
Gossip is like a snowballs.
Speaker 7 (27:44):
The further it travels, the bigger it gets. So Junior,
never repeat anything you hear unless you know it for
a fact that.
Speaker 4 (27:50):
It's the truth.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
How we WINBERGA mo me god, ollreen, I just went
out to get into my car and somebody's let all
the hair out of my tires. Really anybody we know?
Well the newsboy on the corners that he saw.
Speaker 5 (28:07):
You do it.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
OI give her step over ahead of me. I remember
what you said, don't take it bye, I don't gotcha kid.
Speaker 7 (28:16):
All right, I'll get the facts first.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Did you let the air out of rods tire? Well, yes,
I do you, but I don't believe me. Goodness, I
had your worst goship in town, all right, and I'll
give you a thanking for being a gossip. Isn't that amazing?
Speaker 5 (28:40):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (28:40):
Do you adults? When they want to, they can really
get to the sheet of the trouble. You've been listening
to the Red Skelton showed by the makers of Blue
(29:01):
Star razor blades. No razor blades are sharper. No razor
blades give you quicker, smoother shaves than Blue Star blades.
So next time asked for a Blue Star, a precision
product by ASR, and you'll agree. I have tried them
more for shaving me and Blue Star gets my bis
(29:24):
so wipey morble razor blades When your base won't know
you need Thanks for letting is coming to your homes
and we'll be with you again next week. And this
is Mit Skelton saying goodbye, no thanks for listening, and
don't forget blue Star Blades. Join us again next week
(29:50):
for the Red Scout show, Let's Golf is Hurting The
programs the creditory of Mtro Bowler were studio. This is
a copyrighted creature. That's fire from Hollywood. This is the
(30:11):
CBS Radio Network.
In stubborn whiskers, make you found. Get Blue Star blade
and William gown friends. No Razor blades are sharper than
Blue Star blades, so why pay more? Whitch to Blue
Star and get the quickest, smoothest shaves you ever had.
You'll agree, blue Star blades win on face value. Five
(00:23):
pay more for razor blades when your baseball? No you did?
Now transcribe from Hollywood The American Safety Razor Corporation, makers
of Blue Star Razor Blades, present The Red Skelton Show
(00:51):
When Red Skelton, David Rose's orchestral Lorene Tunnod, Pat McGee
and Dick Ryan, and the Smith Twins will be me
Rod O'Connors From a Skelton scrapbook of satire, a story
(01:11):
entitled The Town Gossip and Its Stars. As Clem can
Ittle Hopper m g M's clown, Red Skelton, welk you all.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
You do?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Boy?
Speaker 1 (01:47):
You never expected a voice like that to come out
of me?
Speaker 4 (01:50):
Did you.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Thought of a cowl?
Speaker 5 (01:53):
Maybe?
Speaker 1 (01:53):
But not me? Oh? Sick cow at that. I'm a
bathtub singer myself. I only sing in the bathtub, of course,
I don't sing much. Hey, did you hear what happened
to me the other day? I found a diamond ring
(02:14):
in the bathtub? Really, yeah, what did you do? Wipe
the ring out and put the diamond of a pocket?
I'm going too fast for ring, and let me know
I didn't get it either. Well, tonight, I'd like to
(02:38):
tell you a story about the town gossip and how
they almost ruined my good name. That is, if you
can ruin a name like Caddittle Hopper. Now there's a
name for you, Caditle Hopper. I've been much better off
with a number. Well, it's not to tell the folks
a story. Well, yeah, it's about how a gossip and snowball,
(03:00):
a word grows into a sentence, from a sentence into
a paragraph, and from a paragraph and to a fabulous story.
And there's enough dirt in each man's mind to make
things grow. You see, this all started at the last
national bank that's down on the corner of Hickory and Dickory,
(03:21):
that's down with the docks. Well, there's all the townspeople
and two good friends, Red Skelton, Roud O'Connor. It's Skelton.
What did you come in the bank for it? What
did I come in here for? It rents out a
(03:42):
few things. I came here to deposit my check from
metrop and mare. Are they paying out? Yeah? You keep
one boy, you'll be cut the only two box hops
a week. Well, I got the top of the next
(04:05):
teller's window. Oh look who the teller is? That old
lady who's so near sighted? Who can I help you?
You've got money?
Speaker 6 (04:16):
My goodness, you must be ill. Your face is white?
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Is the sheet? It's the sheet of paper you're looking at. Look? Miss?
Speaker 6 (04:38):
Oh, how did you know I was a miss?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
You haven't hit yet. Look, i'd like to make a wow.
Speaker 6 (04:49):
Did I hear your back book?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Well, my wife is at home on the chase, louds
reading it. Oh, here it is here?
Speaker 6 (05:00):
How on earth did you bank? We'll get this word
on it.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
You're holding my hands. This is the bank book.
Speaker 7 (05:09):
Oh heaven by, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You're a snap a lion. One way it and get
it over with. They're ninety cents a dozen.
Speaker 6 (05:26):
Now, Now, how much did you want to draw out.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Of your shavys?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Well, let's see the bills I've got to pay. Come
to exactly fifty nine dollars.
Speaker 6 (05:37):
Here's your money, ten twenty thirty like esisty fifty five
fifty nine nine. These bills they certainly crisp.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
So take those blotters back and give me some money. Wait,
h Holley clamb will oh are you right back to
you too? That's me always with him fast come back? Yeah,
Well what are you doing in the bank?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
C oh?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
I gets Mosy's in the film A fountain pin? What else?
But clem They don't build banks just so people can
come in and borrowing. Oh you mean they have a sideline.
You know. I used to get my ink at the
post office, but I had to buy my own pin.
Them post office pins are dis great. You see they
(06:29):
play darts with him in the post office pins for
about three weeks before they release them to the podley.
Have you ever tried to make an X with one
of them pins in the post office? All you gotta
do is make an EX and everybody's standing around. He's
got blue freckles. Look at at that bank. Ain't is
(06:54):
getting worse every month? Now. I'm not one to complain,
but if they don't make some improvements to be forced
to take my business elsewhere, Well, don't you keep your
money in the bank? When I should say not, I
keep it in my stock. Boy, that's the reason why
I'm sprouting bunions on my seventh tool. I guess my
shoes just ain't roomy enough to handle all them toes
(07:16):
and them pennies too. Getting back this bank era, how
come you don't keep your money in the bank because
they're always pulling fast on. Now, look at that money
they're handling today, Well, what's wrong with that? That money
ain't ripe. Look, it's still green. You put your money
in the bank. It's the stilliest thing I ever heard of.
You give them all your money and they don't return it.
(07:37):
They just give you a little book full of numbers. Boy,
what a racket that is. Yeah, pull up everybody and
give them that number, and nobody answers. That's the stupidest
thing you ever said. You want to say it over,
I don't know. I think I did fairly well that. Well,
(07:57):
now that I got my pen filled, I guess I'll
get back to the farm. That the chicken house got
struck by lightning last night. You never saw so many
feathers fly in all your life. Did you light then
kill the chickens? No, but it sure affected them. Eggs
are lean, they're ages ain't any good deed anymore, but
they make offan damdy light bulbs. Well kip the move. Ye,
(08:30):
well that's all that happened. And then I stopped into
the bank to film a pen And then I stopped
into the music story to here Dave Roseniy's orchestra played
strenkle patience. Now we got a little news for you
(10:37):
men only. But you ladies can stick around to save face,
not shave face. Save face, then why pay more for
razor blades when your face won't know you did? Your
face will never find a blade sharper than blue Star,
because no razor blades are sharper than blue Star. Figure
(10:58):
it out yourself. Blue Star razor blades are made of
the finest blue steel, and they're ground and honed in
oil just like the highest price blades. They're tops in quality,
but so economical. Think of it. A regular package of
single or double edged Blue Star blades costs only one dime,
(11:19):
and you save plenty when you buy the large economy
size dispensers. So for your very next shave, five blue
Star razor blades. Remember blue Star winds on face value,
so five more more razor blade base won't know you
did well. Here I am lend an ear to mister
(11:51):
footy duties our towns busy bunny. He tries to bend
everybody's ears, Skelton's and o'conners, including Skelton.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
Want this I hear about you or missus Skelton.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Cleaning your teeth? I don't know, mister fuddy, do you?
What is your big ears? Just hurt?
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Well? As you know, I'm not one to gossip.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Since when I.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Don't change the subject. Is it true that you and
your wife have piffed?
Speaker 1 (12:36):
No, Georgia and I have not piffed. If that's supposed,
you're supposed now, you're not supposed to act out those lines.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Come now, missus Skelton, you're forgetting that we're on the
same party line. Oh by the way, this morning I
heard missus Skelton talking to her mother and she said
you've beaten her for the last time.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
She was talking about caster she finally won the game.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Speaker 4 (13:05):
You mean you're not piffed?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Would you stop using that word? It's getting in my eye.
So Georgia and I were never happier.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
Kill joy, mister O'Connor, how are you and your wife
getting along?
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Well, I hate to disappoint you, mister fuddy doddy, but
Sylvie and I are getting along. Swell.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. By the bye, did
you hear all the ladis on Clem kadet Hopper, No, we.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Didn't hear on about it. Stopped poking your big nose
in our little facts.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
Oh yeah, Only a few minutes ago I saw Clem
Braisley walk into this bank and steal some ink from
his fountain pen. And not only that, but he stole
some blotters as well.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Well, what's what terrible about Clem filling his fountain pen? Yeah,
besides the fact he can't write. When he makes an X,
he has to abbreviate that. You know this can develop
an do a three day show. Kinda was talking to
Clem and he didn't steal any water. You want to
mind your own business with your fuddy duddy.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Don't get me wrong, gentlemen, I don't want this scam
to go.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
I infer that.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
That's why I feel it's my duty to phone missus
lumplump and tell her not to breathe it to a soul.
Speaker 7 (14:19):
Why, mister, you say you talk them speak out of
the bank with six ink wells, a dozen blotters and
the manager's swivel chair. I can't believe it, but I will.
I gotta hang up now until Willy before I forget it.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Oh, this will.
Speaker 4 (14:34):
Make me the hit of the bridge.
Speaker 7 (14:35):
Posey, Willy, break up, break up?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Look, Willy, it's almost u.
Speaker 6 (14:42):
Wake up, Willy. I mixed you a short one, not
too much.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Hurry up over better, just opened my mouth and you
pour it in. Come on now get up, Okay, I'm
getting up. Pull my head. Why didn't you tell me
I was sleeping under the dresser? Wait, I have a
rough night. I will never go through that again, go
(15:20):
through walk the case of the nature had a call.
Oh my head, boy, when happened to my hair, I
was all my hair at top of my head, a
ball of lumping.
Speaker 7 (15:33):
You're feeling the ice bag on top of your head?
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Ice bag? Or I'm glad to know that I thought
I had water on the brain cubed up on me.
Speaker 6 (15:46):
Now, Billy, open your eyes and look at me.
Speaker 5 (15:51):
You ever do that.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Familiar can Now you've killed my happ a type for breakfast.
The least thing you could do is take that mudpack
off your face.
Speaker 7 (16:03):
I'm not wearing them uppack.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Well cook, what one are The way you look in
the morning, you look like you were celebrating Halloween all
the time. You look like a greas porcupine. Them hair
curlers sticking out like that and no makeup. What are
you trying to do? Stare me the debt or you
can collect on my incurance.
Speaker 6 (16:26):
Oh, come on, get off.
Speaker 7 (16:27):
It's almost new which reminds me, where were you until
three this morning?
Speaker 1 (16:34):
That is a very interesting question. I had to work
late at the office. I was dictating a few letters
into the dictaphone.
Speaker 6 (16:47):
Then what was that I smell on your breath?
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Well, one of those stupid jenitors oil. The dictaphone was gin.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
And all night long.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
I kept talking to me.
Speaker 7 (17:01):
I really forgot mister Buddy that he just called and
told me that plimed little hopper sneaked out of the
bank with all the way safer basket, three adding machines.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
And six cartons of ditchy cops.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
No kidden clim couldttle Harper kidnapped six Ditchi cratch. I
better get over his George barn grill tell him all
about this. Well, like him. Why this really shocked the petzel.
I'll see you later. Now point me to the front
door and get me out of here.
Speaker 7 (17:32):
Willy, that's the shower door, and I've got the shower running.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Don't bother me.
Speaker 6 (17:38):
I know where I'm.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Willy, come out of there. But I buy your bumber stoop.
There's a cloud burst out by hell. I'm going to
have the drugstore and buy a paper. I want to
see there is anything in it about Clym. It might
(18:02):
be gossip spreads. I just heard the Smith Twins. We're
going to sing Gpsy Doodle accompanied by Dave Rose in
the orchestra.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
The disky Doodle the thing to be wase. The dipsy
doodle will get in your head and you forget you
who it hurdn't be worse.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
The things you say, welcome on like you love me,
love you. That's the way the dipsy dools will work.
They do is easy to find.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
It's almost always in back of your mind.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
You never know where. The tears too late and you're
in such a terrible state. The moon jundt you. That's
the way the dipsy dool work.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
When you think that's a crazy you're the victim of
the gipsy.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
But it's not your mind that's hazing.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
If you don't, that's a fault.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Not to do. You better listen and try to be
good and.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Try to do all the things that you should have to.
Look at you some days you think you're crazy. The
things that you say like rhythm, God all Him, that's
the way that this to do.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
When you think that you're crazy, you're the vicsion of
the gipsy. You But it's not your mind that's hazing.
If you don't, that's the fault. Not to do.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
You are listening to try to be good.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
You try to do all the things that you should
it to do. Look at you some day you think
you're crazy. The things that you say like rhythm, God Him,
that's the way that that you do. Work to do.
Speaker 7 (20:00):
That's the way that is.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
Don't why fay more bwing the braid when.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Your faith won't know you again, when your face won't
know you? Did I never do anything? Now I'm telling
my face bur Well red. Here's special news for every
face that shaves with double edged blades. You've got a
real shaving thrill coming when you try blue star double
edged blades they're so sharp and they give you such quick,
(20:50):
smooth shades. But the price of Blue Star Double Edged
blades is incredibly low. Compare Blue Star double edged blades
with any other make at d price. They're made of
the finest blue steel. They're ground and honed in oil,
just like the highest priced blades. But a regular package
of Blue Star Double ads blades costs you only ten
(21:12):
cents only one time. For top quality blades that Blue Star.
Try Blue Star double d Razor blades. You're bound to
agree they win on face value. Speak up faces, tell
your bodies to get Blue Star blades. Sanna's clam singing
(21:37):
at the sort of fountain. Hey, clam, I not you
went back to the farm. Oh all that talk going
around about me, I ain't got the nerve to go back.
I'm a disgrace to the peak pin. Oh buck up, clam. Well,
my teeth are all bucked up, but that's not all.
I'm trying to drown my troubles in a molded Jimmy Yugart.
(21:59):
So you've heard what the people are saying about you. Yeah,
I heard what people have been saying about me. They're
saying I broke every window in the bank trying to
set the place on fire. Oh that's not true. No,
all I did was cash a bum check for ten
thousand dollars. Now you didn't cash any bum check, Yes
I did. I got the past the wreck from the
bluck driver, who heard it from one of his friends,
(22:21):
who heard it from his wife, who heard it from
the milkman, who heard it from his mother in law,
who forgot where see you heard it. Look, that's not true.
I was with you at the time. I saw you
fill your pan with things. Oh no, so how could
too many people do these things to other people? Oh?
Things have really gotten serious when the gossips have even
(22:41):
convinced you. My gosh, don't worry, clem. I'm going out
and put those blabber mouths straight. Come on right, let's go. Hey,
Look there goes Junior running into the house. I'll go
tell his mother the true story about clam. You mean
sinker has returned. I'm on the ladder cleaning the ceiling.
(23:05):
Don't come in here. I've got to come in. I
got something to tell you, Junior.
Speaker 4 (23:09):
Don't open that door.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
I promise not to disturb you. Which out. Oh good heaven,
it looked like I broke my widow. Promise, what did
you break?
Speaker 5 (23:22):
You?
Speaker 6 (23:25):
I told you not to open that door.
Speaker 7 (23:28):
You knocked me off the ladder, and it's a wonder
I didn't break every bone in my body.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Well, come on, mummy, get your head out of the oven.
You liable to wind up with a half baked expression
on your phone.
Speaker 6 (23:38):
I'll teach you to disobey me.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
You come here to me.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
I'm mean now, don't get your hair brushing and uproar.
Remember what happens when you take your high blood brighter
up me, blue.
Speaker 7 (23:49):
Jeans, come down, light hair, good heavens Junior?
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Who gave you that black eye? No one I had
to fight?
Speaker 6 (24:04):
Oh, I'll settle with you later.
Speaker 7 (24:05):
Oh good, March right up to your room and stay
there until I tend.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
You to come down. But before I go, can I
tell you by some gossip?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
No?
Speaker 7 (24:13):
I don't care to hear any gossip.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
Okay, you way boy, But case you're really juicy?
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Right off with a grape spying.
Speaker 7 (24:19):
Junior, I said, I didn't want who's the gossip about?
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Would I tell you later? But I got to get
up through my room. I heard the trim codidle hopper
held up a bank and got away with fifty dollars
dollars and the FBI is not on his trail.
Speaker 7 (24:34):
Why who ever started such a vicious story? I've known
Claim a long time and you could never get me
to believe that about him.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
But Mummy, I tell you that's what they shade.
Speaker 7 (24:42):
They say, Who are they? Just irresponsible busybodies who have
nothing better to do than pick at the character of
their fellow men like bloodthirsty vulture. As a wise man
once said, they say is half a lie.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yes, that's what they shade. And I am with you.
I don't know what you said, but I ain't with
you humming down. I'm glad you don't see any goship
black other people day, Loreen, did you hear about Clym?
Speaker 7 (25:14):
But I think it's terrible what they're saying about poor Claim.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Well, it's worse than you know. I just saw Clem
riding down the street and the police car. They've arrested
him for robbing the banks.
Speaker 6 (25:21):
Oh no, but he's innocent.
Speaker 7 (25:23):
We've got to help him.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
And I know who started it, old mister Floody Duddy,
that old flabber blabber Mount.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
They don't shift hips.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
He started all your gotcha. I'm supposed to meet them
down at the city hall.
Speaker 6 (25:35):
What are we waiting for?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Let's go and I come through.
Speaker 7 (25:38):
Yes, dear, I don't need something to hit mister fuddy
Duddy all.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Over the head, will.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Sergeant. I tell you that Clem's innocence.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
He most certainly is clim garpower.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
He's the nice guy.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
I don't see why the only one is getting so mad.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Oh twin blew, you big blapper mountain right? No, all right,
now I'm the desk stage and here, so let's sleeve
down a bit. Where did this come from? No, mister
fuddy Duddy, you called this to arrest clim Kiddle Hupper.
Now what proof do you have that he held up
the bank? And here you guys you seek calling that money?
Speaker 2 (26:16):
Come on, spick up.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
In the state money, pack up, pick up, Well, officer, I.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Heard that is I thought I heard that is the.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Look at that he Bring your hat in here yourself,
mister fuddy Duddy. I don't care about what you heard.
I want to know, did Clem rub the bank or
did he not rub the bank?
Speaker 3 (26:41):
Well, sir, he took some ink for his fountain pen.
That's Stephen, and he should be arrested.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Oh sure, that's all it was. Do you know what's
gonna happen to you, Judge bing CROs Be gonna beat
you the desk with very Fitzgerald. Clem just took something, yes,
and you had to pick up clem be that hey, Sam,
release clim look a fish blacker mouth too.
Speaker 4 (27:05):
And that second sergeant, why are you arresting me?
Speaker 1 (27:08):
I'm arresting you for carrying a dangerous weapon your mouth.
Take him away before it contaminates all of it. Good,
good for you. Thanks, well, come on, folks, let's go. Yeah,
come on, folks, come on, come on, let me lette
out of here before it charge and recognize you mean
locks me up too.
Speaker 7 (27:25):
Just the second, dear, I hope you remember what you
saw here today. How vicious gossip can hurt a man's character.
Never talk about anyone unless you have proof about them,
because a few words can sometimes be as dangerous as
a gun.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Yea, and them people are always shooting off their mouth too.
Gossip is like a snowballs.
Speaker 7 (27:44):
The further it travels, the bigger it gets. So Junior,
never repeat anything you hear unless you know it for
a fact that.
Speaker 4 (27:50):
It's the truth.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
How we WINBERGA mo me god, ollreen, I just went
out to get into my car and somebody's let all
the hair out of my tires. Really anybody we know?
Well the newsboy on the corners that he saw.
Speaker 5 (28:07):
You do it.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
OI give her step over ahead of me. I remember
what you said, don't take it bye, I don't gotcha kid.
Speaker 7 (28:16):
All right, I'll get the facts first.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Did you let the air out of rods tire? Well, yes,
I do you, but I don't believe me. Goodness, I
had your worst goship in town, all right, and I'll
give you a thanking for being a gossip. Isn't that amazing?
Speaker 5 (28:40):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (28:40):
Do you adults? When they want to, they can really
get to the sheet of the trouble. You've been listening
to the Red Skelton showed by the makers of Blue
(29:01):
Star razor blades. No razor blades are sharper. No razor
blades give you quicker, smoother shaves than Blue Star blades.
So next time asked for a Blue Star, a precision
product by ASR, and you'll agree. I have tried them
more for shaving me and Blue Star gets my bis
(29:24):
so wipey morble razor blades When your base won't know
you need Thanks for letting is coming to your homes
and we'll be with you again next week. And this
is Mit Skelton saying goodbye, no thanks for listening, and
don't forget blue Star Blades. Join us again next week
(29:50):
for the Red Scout show, Let's Golf is Hurting The
programs the creditory of Mtro Bowler were studio. This is
a copyrighted creature. That's fire from Hollywood. This is the
(30:11):
CBS Radio Network.
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