Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
And you know what that music see, yes, sir, Amos
that music say good health to you all from rex All.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The Amos and Andy Show written by Joe Conley, Bob
Moser and Bob Ross, featuring Ernestine Wade, Johnny Lee, Amanda Randolph,
Helvia Allman, Jerry Hausner, Jeff Alexander's Music Yours, Trulie Harlow,
Wilcox and starring Radios all time favorites Freeman Gosden and
Charles Correll Amos and Andy. How do you do, ladies
(00:45):
and gentlemen, My name is Freeman Gosden. You know, hardly
a day passes at my partner, Charles Corell, and I
don't hear from some rex All druggists. And most of
the time there let us tell us how happy they
are when one of you listeners drop into their drug
stores to get acquainted, just because we've asked you to
do it. And if it makes the rex Al drugis.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Happy, you can imagine how it makes us feel. We
are honestly very grateful, ladies and gentlemen, and we hope
you'll keep up the good work. You'll find your rex
Al family druggist a wonderful man to trade with and
rex all drug products as fine as money can buy. Well,
(01:30):
this evening, the Kingfish, Sapphire and Mama have decided to
spend a quiet evening at home. Right now, the Kingfish
is reading his paper and his wife's Sapphire and her
mother are over by the piano.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Sapphire is playing.
Speaker 4 (01:46):
You take the route and tangle road, You tangle Rudna.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
The Lord, you take this hold in, Michael, will you
please get the Scotland before the neighbors start beating on
the pipes again? God, would you be quiet by me?
And Mamma is harmonized, harmonizing, listen, I ain't here to
(02:22):
do it like that since down on the farm when
the hound dogs. Here's the cat into the cream separator.
We'll try it again.
Speaker 5 (02:31):
And this time with no interruptions from this ballheaded tuscanity.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
All right, Mama, one two three, hold hold out the doorbell,
the door bell. Well, don't sit there, get up and
answer the door. Well, I was just oh, never mind,
donal Graham for missus Ramona Smith. Alright, now was signed
for it? Huh there you is? H Well, what is
(03:03):
your standing there for? With your hand out?
Speaker 6 (03:05):
Some people seem to think the deliverance of a telegram
merits a gratuity.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Yeah, well, before I gives you a tip, son, let
me tell you something. When I was your age, I
had to work eighteen hours a day, and at the
end of the day I'd go to the boss with
my cap in my hand and say, never mind the
build up, just give me a kncho.
Speaker 7 (03:26):
H.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Here you is uh telegram for you, Mama. Incidentally, I
tip the boy you owe me a quarter? I can
see here? Was it from mama? Why it's from your
sister hoarttens in Chicago. Oh yeah, old horse, fierce heart tense. Uh,
(03:50):
what's he winning about, George?
Speaker 5 (03:52):
Don't you dare I speak like that about my sweet
little heart Taps. She's a school teacher, she's got a
pammy and right now she's after a PhD.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Well, she better calls with that mug. She ain't gonna
get no m an, George.
Speaker 8 (04:10):
That's enough of that, Mama.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
What does Heart Tampon say?
Speaker 5 (04:13):
Well, she's leaving that school in Chicago and it's coming
to New York to teach school here. She's got a
wonderful position. The school is over here on one hundred
and thirty fourth Street.
Speaker 8 (04:23):
Why that's wonderful. Heart, tamps can come and stay with us.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
What I don't wait a minute? Chair, She can't do it.
It's bad enough with two women living here. I was
getting sick and tired of sharing my bathroom with wet chemusoles.
If George Harkams is.
Speaker 5 (04:40):
Staying here, I say she is, say I want my
baby here with me. Now she can double up with
me and you, George, you can stay out here on
the sofa.
Speaker 8 (04:49):
George Hartanmpson is staying yan. I don't want to hear
no more about you.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Don't want to hear no more about it. Well you
gonna hear playing about it. I stand up for my rates.
I tell you this worm is not on the turning,
but he's sitting up and snapping. Now that Hortense ain't
putting me out of my room, George Stevens.
Speaker 5 (05:07):
My baby arrives at nine fifteen at the station.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Now, what are you gonna do about it? What is
I gonna do about it? What is I gonna do
about it? Well, while you in South fires down meeting
now getting my stuff out of the bedroom house. Now listen, Calhoun,
you gotta help me. Now, I gonna tell you this
(05:32):
thing over once more. You see, it was bad enough
with south Fire and the mama. But this heart tense
I've been talking to you about it is driving me crazy.
I gotta get rid of her.
Speaker 7 (05:41):
Well, maybe you could introduce it to some fella, you know,
get a married What does she look like?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Well, give you a rough idea. When she was born
in the hospital, the mama was the only mother in
the history that hope the babies got mixed up. Old
fellow would go for Calhoun. They just wouldn't do it.
Speaker 7 (06:01):
Now, how do you know this heart tense might just
grow on some fellow like found us.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Well, I think I know. It was just a big
fat stump to start the growth on too. Oh, come
on in, brother, and you say you want to see
me about something King fo Yeah, sit down, son. You
know why I've kept us on the QT. But my
sister in law, Hortense, got in town last week, and
(06:30):
well I kept it quiet though it was the matter
you're on the lamb or something. No, no, and no.
She happens to be a fair fragile creature. And I
know when the fellas in town get wind of it,
why I'm gonna be a stampede. Well, why do you
want to see me? Well, then I wanted to give
you the first opportunity to meet us. You know the
words in the paramutuals of the room mance giving you
(06:51):
the post position. You know. Well, I always ready to
meet a new Philly. What kind of looking gal? At all?
Beautiful girl? And there I got a picture right here. Yeah,
let me see the thing. Well, I tell you a minute,
Then wait a minute, I don't grab this thing before
I show you a hearttensive picture. I want playing to
you about beauty. You see, there's the kind of beauty
that we appreciate today, and then there's the kind of
(07:13):
beauty that was appreciated by the ancient Greeks and the Romans,
like the Morning Leason, the Venus of Mildew and all
them people. Well, never mind all that stuff. Let me
see the picture. Well, now in there this is real
classic beauty. And when I tell you, when you looked
at this picture, you're gonna think of key clear Petra
floating down the nile on the barge. Now here's the picture. Yeah, well,
(07:38):
so much for the barge. Now let me see the
picture clear he sully And there that ain't no rudder.
There that's heart tens there. See, he just happened to
have overlapping jaw, that's all there. And this is what
the Greeks and the Romans went for. Oh yeah, and
yeah yeah, look at the lines of that face historyal
(07:59):
Roman profile, harth hurting it. Julius Caesar had a water
on his nose just like that. Yeah, Kingfish, I know
you tell me the truth here, but I don't know
about this heart tense. I think I'll leave her to
the Greech in the Romans. Well, now, weird a man
and man, now you just gotta get used to this
type of beauty, you see. Yeah, that's right. Maybe you're right.
After all. I didn't like egg plant when I first
(08:20):
had it, neither, but the little chili sauce took the
sting out of it. I about to get a bottle
of chili sauce before I meet her, you know. And
then when you first look at Hortens's picture there, you
might have broke out in a cool sweat and your
stomach done a couple of nip ups. But with patients
and little bicarding the sword, that might end up in
a beautiful room. Mans, you know what I mean now,
(08:46):
that's why South Fire wants to introduce your sister hortense
to Andrew H. Brown. What introduce him.
Speaker 8 (08:52):
To my sister heart? Tens why my sister heart tends
happens to be a school teacher. She's cultured and refined.
She wouldn't look at him and like Andrew H. Brown,
I'm going in and put the tea on Jody.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
That's right, she is a school teacher. She's been teaching
kids in the fourth grade. I really got my work
cut out for me. I got to bring Andy up
to the intelligence level that she's been accustomed to. Here,
(09:26):
good evening, this is your rex All Family druggist speaking
to you. For the ten thousand independent druggists to have
made the word rex Al part of our own store names,
We've done that because we recommend and sell the two
thousand or more drug products made by the rex All
Drug Company. Rex Al aspirin is a good example. Scientific
laboratory tests prove there's no faster acting aspirin made. And
(09:47):
here's what that means to you. There's no aspirin tablet
on the market today that can go to work for
you faster than rex Al aspirin. So never ask for
just aspirin. Ask for rex al aspirin at rexol drug
stars everywhere. Hell, I understand for it to come over
(10:12):
here to the large Horn. I gotta do something about
culturing up that boy for Hortense. Ibody wants to promote
a room man and get all my hands. You gotta
have culture, don't take uh well, hire Kingfish. Did you
send for me? Oh? Yeah, yeah, wait in a don't call.
Just stand down in the door. While you were in,
I want to size you up. I won't see how
much culture you got, you know, in they're seeing you
(10:35):
standing there with your elbow out of your coat and
the hole in your derby and the slicks and your
shoes there, I realized that you got more ventilation that
you got class. What is your driving that king pick? Well, then,
to put it as nice as possible, you was uncouth,
uncultured and unlettered. And before I introduce you to Hortens,
we has gotta un on you. Oh what you gotta
(10:58):
do that for now? And then the Hortens is a
different type of girl. Yeah, I know you explained to
me about the Greeks and the Roman. Oh no, man,
she's a school teacher. You you gotta. You gotta appeal
to it from the cultural point of view. That's what
you gotta do. I guess we're in trouble now, look
and uh we gonna camouflage you. Yeah yeah, Uh, we
are gonna make her think that you has gotta bringing. Yeah. Yeah,
(11:21):
that's the thing to do. But how we're gonna do it? Well, now,
I got some poetry books. Yeah, and then uh, I
want you to mesmerize some of the stuff in him.
Then and then at the impertinent moments in the conversation,
I want you to throw in little bits of wisdom,
little von Matsas and all that stuff, you know. And uh,
here's the portray book here and there. Uh, let's start
(11:42):
out with this. Yeah, let me see here. Yeah, read
that The legiond of Higher Water by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
took three fellows to write it. Huh, well it's a
long poem, man, theuh read the first cadenza there. Yeah,
you know, let's see here, by the shores of chi Gumi,
(12:08):
by the shores of Gitchi Gumi, buy the shining big
sea waters stood the Wigwam of Niccomas, daughter of the Moon.
The Coomas beautiful hunker stuff. Any boy, Yeah, you know
you wouldn't have thunked them in. Thens could have rich,
sweet and tender stuff like this and then gone out
and give General Custard that crew haircut, would you? Hell
(12:32):
un't Nanna. I want you to sit here and sop
up some of this stuff so that you can make
a big imprint on hotels. Well, the only thing is
King Vish, I never did understand this poetry stuff. Well,
and that is the weird it is with culture. As
soon as you understand something, you know right then and
dad ain't culture. Now that's weird. And hear my apartment
(12:56):
south fire. The mama done going to the movies to night.
So the coos is clear. I don't forget in there.
We got to impress it that you was charming and coaching.
So when there's a lull in the conversation, you caught
some of that high water and stuff. Yeah, well I
just knew it this stuff all. I know. When there's
a law, well, I'll kick you on the shins. Now,
(13:17):
when I kick you, you start spouting stuff I'm not
gonna do here, Okay, But then that you was about
to meet the real classic beauty here the kind of
affairs that years ago men throw themselves off the cliffs
of ancient Greece for Oh, it's you, George.
Speaker 6 (13:32):
I thought it was Saphi and Mama know me.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Now I know why them bricks throw themselves off the cliffs.
Speaker 6 (13:40):
Oh, I see you brought someone with you, John.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Oh yeah, step right in, missus Brown, hawtense. May I
present you up with the extremely charming and extremely cultured
mister Andrew H. Brown.
Speaker 6 (13:56):
Mister Brown, you look like you just came from the barbers.
I don't know when. I just don't know when I
bet a person who looks so.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Neat and clean shaven. Likewise, Hortenser, the reason I brought
mister Brown up here the night is because the boy
is interested in the finer things in life, and I
think that you and human's got a lot in common.
Now let's all sit down here, and because the cultural
(14:27):
aspects of life. Yeah, that's it now, I sit down
there on the sofa with Hortens. Miss Brown. No, like
I say, there's nothing like a nice cultural discussion.
Speaker 9 (14:46):
Yeah yes, no, huh yeah, huh oh.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
By the shores of itchy Gucci, by the shining big
sea water, stood the Wigwam of Columbus. O love that
hortis couse. He just popped out the boy. He couldn't
hold it back. He's exciting. Hi Wather, it's my favorite poem. Oh.
I just love poetry, and I just loved You're a
(15:23):
man quoted. Yeah h yes, yeah, uh huh oh of uh.
(15:47):
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy
had none.
Speaker 6 (15:56):
You're so delightfully refreshing.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Oh. I just love a man with a sense of humor.
Oh yeah, sometimes I even turns out to be clever
than I think I am. I got a little business
to tennis, So I'll leave you to here to waller
into culture.
Speaker 6 (16:11):
Oh, it was so nice of you to bring mister
Brown up.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
John, mister Brown, you can waller till eleven fifteen. It
so I find a Mama's ten and double feature.
Speaker 10 (16:20):
Well he is alone, mister Brown. I'm so glad I
met you, mister Brown.
Speaker 6 (16:32):
There's so many cultural things to see here in New York,
a museums, concerts.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Maybe we could see them together. Yeah, and why don't
you say closer? Give me time, money, this being a
Roman that's all new to me.
Speaker 6 (17:01):
Oh, it's so lovely here in the park tonight, and
the museums and oh those concerts. Yeah, these two weeks
together been so gay and exciting.
Speaker 11 (17:14):
Yeah, oh, Handy, look at the stars.
Speaker 6 (17:18):
They're like fireflies dancing on a velvet curtain. Yeah, oh,
my darling, can't you feel the romance at the moment?
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Oh, Handy, say something.
Speaker 11 (17:31):
Say something by the Shawes. Hello, Stephens, king face.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
I ain't seen you for a couple of weeks, but
I got great news for you. I don't pre pose
the hart dance. She don't sped me and were el
open tonight. Oh wonderful and wonderful. You really fell for
the girl? Huh oh yeah, me hard chances Elope at
night because I don't want to have no big wedding
and have all my friends laughing in their Grecian duty. Yeah, well, congrats, Lasion.
Then I know you're gonna be happy. Yeah, I tell you, say,
(18:10):
wait a minute, somebody coming. I'll call you later, okay.
And if you hear anybody climb up around your house
tonight with a ladder, it's me. Who's that on the phone? George?
Uh no, one, honey, no one just getting the time
from that dam Uh.
Speaker 8 (18:23):
Say, George, I've been wanting to talk to you. I've
been a little worried about heart tense.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Oh word bout.
Speaker 8 (18:29):
Hunh Yeah, she's been going out and awful lot lately.
I got an idea she might be interested in something.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Man, you don't mean to tell me.
Speaker 8 (18:37):
Well, I hope it ain't nothing serious, because I certainly
would hate to see the poor girl lose twenty five
thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Oh yeah, nothing could be worse than nothing. Uh, excuse
me for protruding here, but say something bout knowing something?
Girl that get twenty five thousand dollars? Something work with that?
Speaker 8 (18:54):
Yes, George, Hart Chance. Under the terms of our aunt
Lilian's will, Heart Chance inherits twin twenty five thousand dollars
when she's thirty years old. That's two years from now.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Well is that so?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Yes?
Speaker 8 (19:06):
Of course, George, at Lillian was a little eccentric. Heart
Chance only gets the money if she's unmarried at that time.
M oh is gonna be wonderful, George, because heart Chance
has promised to share all that money with all of us.
I tell you, George was wrong with you the way
your eyes is popping out there. Why ain't seen you
look this way since you dropped my hair eye for.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Coffee, honey. I'll be right back. I'm just going in
and see what we got into. Medicine cabinet that's fatal.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
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Speaker 1 (19:46):
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Speaker 10 (20:00):
And there's a multi vitamin product that good.
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(20:24):
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(20:53):
come in, it's open and now I gotta see you, boy,
I gotta talk to you. Now. I'll be with you
the minute, King Fish. I'm packing up my tree, so,
oh boy, it's gonna be a grady lumber. Amazon is
gonna help me too. I'm climbing up the hort Tenser's
window with a ladder and everything well. Now left, man, now,
while I go on the telephone. You told me that
you had really fallen for Hortense.
Speaker 11 (21:13):
You was kidding, though, wasn't your ha?
Speaker 1 (21:18):
No, I wasn't. Wait a minute, and there what could
you see in a goat leg? Hortense? Wait a minute,
King Fish, I'll thank you to watch your language. You
were speaking of the goat I loved. Listen, King Fish,
I ain't got time to talk to you. Now. I
gotta pick up my suit at the cleaners. I'll say,
after the honeymoon, Oh me, Holy Michael, I gotta go
(21:39):
and see Calhoun. Why why did I ever promote this room? Mance.
I ever see Henry Wadsworth Longfellow gonna punch the whole
three of them in the nose. And that's the whole
story of Calhoun. If Hortense marri and it, she don't
get the twenty five one thousand dollars and wheel is
(22:01):
out of luck. Well, as the.
Speaker 7 (22:03):
Australian said when the boomerang hit him in the back
of the neck, things is taking a nasty turn.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Well, now doesn't care Whoon. What can I do? She
and Andy are opening tonight. Andy's climbing up to her
room with a ladder and everything. What can I do?
What can I do?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Well?
Speaker 7 (22:18):
The thing to do is tell heart Tens that the
plans has been chained. Listen, telling that Andy gonna meet
her at the railroad station.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
And then when he don't show.
Speaker 7 (22:27):
Up, she'll think that he done Jilterden and she ain't
never gonna want to see him again.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Yeah, that'll fix hort Tens. But how's I gonna rescourage Indy?
At nine o'clock to night, he'll be climbing up to
her window on the ladder.
Speaker 7 (22:40):
Yeah, you know, trying to rescourge Andy when he's in love,
like trying to take a piece of liver away from
a bulldoze.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Listen, Kingfish.
Speaker 7 (22:49):
The thing for you to do when Andy climb up
that ladder tonight the.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Heart Tenser's room. You'll be waiting on the inside of
the room with the lights out. Yeah, I'll be waiting
the inside Hortense's room. Yeah.
Speaker 7 (22:59):
And then when and to come climbing up the ladder.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
The thing for you to do is.
Speaker 5 (23:09):
George, you mean to say, Andy wants me to meet
him at the station tonight.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Yeah, that's right, Hortense. Yeah, you little nervous about carrying
you down the ladder, you see, even having a little
trouble with his back. And well you don't want to
start off the honeymoon with the sacralia jack gold you want.
I'll watch your into the ladder there, hems, all right,
(23:35):
all right, I got the ladder in there. Now which
one is the window there? It's the second story window there,
mus where the shade is down? Now that said, swing
the ladder around, easy to do it, all right? Now
watch it? And there, oh me, why do I get
in these things? There? Were is alas? Now you hold
the bottom here, I'll go up the ladder, all right,
careful that. Now watch it in Lord, this is a
(23:58):
steep ladder high up here too, well, here he is,
here's the window. I'll pull the shade up a little
and stick my head in the window. Oh tens, handy, handy,
what happened? I don't know. I stuck my head in
(24:21):
the window, and I think Hortense, give me a little
love tap, give me your handkerchief. My nose is bleeding.
What's going on here? I don't know. I guess she
wants to play games or something. You're going up again? Yeah,
I'm going up the ladder again. I guess there's Hortense
is getting coy. Oh hey, well, here's the window. I'll
pull the shade up again. Oh ten back again and there,
(24:51):
help me up? Famous, She don't love tap me in
the eye and it's closed. Look at that. And something
is going on here. You better get out of here
before will you hurt yourself? Santa side, amos. Maybe she's
mad at me because I ain't being romantic enough. Maybe
I ordered serenader here from the ground, be my love
bid Hey, but she throwed water on me. Help me
(25:16):
up again, amos. She doesn't throw that bucket at me too?
And this is ridiculous. You better call this nonsense off. Yeah,
maybe you're right, Amos. Let's go. You know something. I
got a sleeking suspicion her lover has done cooled off.
Oh come on, Andy, Yeah, and it's just as well.
She wasn't as dainty a creature as I think she was.
When she Don't Love taped me through the window. I
noticed her arm had hair on it up to the albort. Yes,
(25:46):
south Fire, that's the story. It was going to loop,
but I managed.
Speaker 7 (25:50):
To see if the deed it certainly it's lucky you did.
Speaker 8 (25:52):
It would have been a terrible thing if her Kans
ever got married and lost that twenty five thousand dollars inherited.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Now listen, south Fire, we can't take this chance in
the future. Marry nobody now for the next two years.
He's gonna stay right here with us and no place else.
But George, I thought you didn't right now look on it.
Twenty five thousand dollars is involved. From now on. The
best is none too good for hot Tenps. I gonna
be so nice to her, she'll never want to leave
us to get married.
Speaker 8 (26:16):
Oh, George, I'm so happy.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Bell Hotems. George survey has been wonderful to your health. Well,
he suddenly has changed, Mama.
Speaker 6 (26:33):
He doesn't mind sleeping on the.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Sofa, anything and new idea, what worked about it?
Speaker 6 (26:41):
And I'd love to see his face two years from
now when he finds out we made up that story
about me and Harreton twenty five thousand dollars.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
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(27:23):
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Speaker 1 (27:32):
Good night, See you next Sunday. Man.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
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(28:00):
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