April 27, 2025 • 27 mins
A compilation of humorous shows ranging from slapstick sketches to witty banter and family sitcoms. This series highlights the timeless appeal of laughter and character-driven comedy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
A Magnificent Montague stirring Marty Wallie. Yes, it's the magnificent Montague. Today,
Edwin Montague, to his great embarrassment, is known only as
(00:35):
Uncle goodtheart star of an afternoon radio program. But perhaps
a few of you older folks remember him when he
traveled the Shakespearean stage and was known as the Magnificent Molecule.
And although radio has brought him a living and dubious fame,
he still dreams of returning to the stage. Right now,
the Montaguo apartment is enjoying a little peace and quiet,
(00:56):
which means he is not home yet from his broadcast.
Lily and his wife and former leading Lady, and Agnes
the Maid are awaiting him for dinner. The telephone is ringing.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Okay, okay, the residents of Edwin Montague and Lily Boy
and Agnes the Maid on this and come in, Roger,
Oh hello, Sam, for sure Sam, and I'll be okay Sam,
Oh sure, Sam, I'll tell us.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
Yeah, so long, Sam, Who you're kidding?
Speaker 4 (01:33):
I know, I know it was Sam, But which Sam?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Which Sam?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
How many? Sam's doing now?
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Oh? Sam? Harrison across the hole.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Give this lady six over dollars in the case of snackers.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Who would he wore?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
He and his wife Mith have something to ask you.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Oh, I hope they drop in before Edwin gets home.
You know how he feels about the house.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I know how he feels about everybody except Edwin Montague.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
That's love, love, love, Stop, Agnes.
Speaker 5 (02:00):
Just hope Sam and his wife get over here right
this minute.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
I don't she's taking a bath.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Well, I hope Edwin's late.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Oh, Sam only wouldn't continually try and sell Edwin life insurance.
They're the only neighbors we have really ever had, and
you can have them.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Oh please, I know Sam can be.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
A little trun No, she stopped trying with those corny jokes.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
Now, Ages, we have to make them feel at home.
We're the only neighbors they know since they moved in
from Saint Louis.
Speaker 6 (02:28):
Okay, I'll make them feel at home.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I'll put on a Saint Louis Cardinal uniform.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Oh, stop pretending you don't like the Harrisons. Don't they
pay you a dollar an hour and your night's off
for sitting with their daughter?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Gwendolyn share They do, and the kid takes it right
away from you. In Jen Rummy oh, no.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
She beats.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
My brain's off.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
I'll like Sam, h I'm ready got here before Edwind arrives.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I'll get it.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Come in, Sam, Sam.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Out the monsters?
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Hello, Edwin? What's this? Hello? Sam? Oh? Never mind? I
come into my own house and it's hello Sam.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
So I said hello Sam, I thought your uncle Sam?
Who else do you look?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Last? Holy? Thank goodness. Agnes finally learned how to bark
out hello. At least we broke her of the habit
of jumping up on people licking their faces. Oh, I
did I sit down? You look tired? Can I, Agnes?
(03:33):
Get something? Years lost.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Some on mis de monic? You have something? I made
a batch of cookies especially for you. You can hardly
taste the icenices.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Leave him alone. After the day of degrading myself on
the radio, I have to come home to this. Well.
How would your program it? Oh? We gave the housewives
both barrels this afternoon with Uncle.
Speaker 4 (03:58):
Goodhart doing good again?
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Is the cottage on the sunny side of the lane?
I was nauseating? Did herd is walking through the woods?
And I find it? Little animal in a big trap?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
What you do up your mouth and let it on.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
The lay tire up the kitchen or something.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I'm not that masteric.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
I wish I could find something funny in life. Radios
got me the Magnifism molecule, rescuing little birds from traps
and fixing the a little broken leg once again, shed
the boards and hamlet the fellow like Beth. Oh for
the smell of bereaspaint. It's been a long time. Yes.
(04:51):
Now the only time I smell grease paint is when
Agnes makes french fried potato's nuts.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
How could I smell some?
Speaker 3 (05:00):
They say?
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I am in Frontina.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
And miss Mercy take him.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Up on everything. There they are, I'll get it there.
Who are Edwin, Sam Harrison his wife Mark? I want
to ask? Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be nice to them.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Ah, mister and missus Harrison, how.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Do you do?
Speaker 7 (05:21):
Miser and Missus Montague heard you program this afternoon, mister Montague,
And I said to Martha.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
They pay him for that.
Speaker 7 (05:29):
Yeah, that's just what I said, didn't I?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Martha, Jess, Well.
Speaker 4 (05:43):
Don't just stand there in the hall.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
No, yeah, yeah, come in a little. Sam.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
You wanted to ask me something.
Speaker 7 (05:54):
Now that you mentioned it, Yes, you see, Missus Montague
Martha and I belong to the parents Jesus Association of
the school our daughter Gwendoll in at ten Public School
thirty seven.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I know, and you want to know why we never
sent Agnes to school. Edwin, be serious, go on, mister Harrison.
Speaker 7 (06:12):
Well, we are trying to raise money.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
For some new playground equipment.
Speaker 7 (06:16):
After all, we want our children to grow up with
healthy minds and healthy bodies.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Why Edwards tell me, miss Harrison, how are you going
to raise the money? Well, is Martha's idea.
Speaker 7 (06:32):
We're going to have an amateur theatrical evening.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
An amateur theatrical evening. Oh no, at theatrical evenings. We
want you to be in it. Lay back in, please
paint again the like the excitement. I'll be where everyone
can see me. You certainly will.
Speaker 6 (06:56):
Be your taking tickets, ticket es, So I'll a ticket taker.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
I suppose my wife Lily will be an usher. Oh no, no,
we understand. She has talent. Oh she has the talent
of the family. That's what the man said, Miss Harrison.
Is making her come as a shock to you. But
for years I was known as an actually as the
magnificent Molecue.
Speaker 5 (07:25):
Oh, I do declare Now do you remember the magnificent Monedule.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Buy Georgia Dall comes back to me. Now, didn't you
appear in Saint Luis many times?
Speaker 7 (07:36):
That's it, We saw you wrestle gorgeous George.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Look, mister Harrison Edwin.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Was regarded as the foremost Shakespearean actor in America. Thousands
of theatergoers still remember his voice.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
And I have the broken hair drums to provid.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
This is that your boys are the delivering coal in
the neighborhood Edwin, mister har Edward and I could do
a scene together for your pta theatrical Fine, fine, what
would you do seem through Shakespeare? Naturally?
Speaker 7 (08:06):
Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, mister Montague. You see, we
already have something from Shakespeare, the balcony scene from Romeo.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
And Juliet Real. And who are the stellar actors about
to perpetrate this crime? Yeah, I'm Romeo, You're Romeo? Yes?
Speaker 5 (08:25):
And guess who's Juliet Noo.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Shakespeare has lived in the hearts of men for three
hundred years, but he'll never survive this blow.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
But let me we could do something else.
Speaker 7 (08:43):
You could recite a poem, Shay, that would be Jim dandy,
a little mother goose for the kiddies, Mother Goose.
Speaker 4 (08:50):
But now remember how beautiful you used to do the
minstrel boy.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
Oh no, not that again, Quiet Edd go ahead, edits
the Minster, where the walls. He's gone, in the ranks
of death. You'll find him. His father's thought. He has
girded round and his wild hop slung behind him.
Speaker 7 (09:16):
Beautiful Edwin by Gum that Irving Berlin can write lyrics,
serving blare.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
There was a point of spirit, Nick.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
Hayson, you can count and Ed and me to be there.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
So good of you. Now wait, this is ridiculous. Lili
and I are famous for our rose in Shakespeare.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Now when Sam and Martha are doing Romeo and Juliet,
they have their hearts second.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Oh yes, indeed, yeah, I've been practicing that love scene
with mother all me, haven't I?
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Mother? All this is delay. As long as you have me,
you might as well exploit my talent.
Speaker 7 (09:53):
We're going to be all right, missus Montague.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
After the show, we're having a buffet.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
You can slice the blooney.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Everyone is doing something for the affair as long as
they're having cold cuts. Why don't you donate your tongue here?
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Who needs a time, So I wait there.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Perhaps Evan and I could do as Shakespearean scene that
wouldn't constick for you Midsummer Night's dreams.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
I can play a politic queen.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Of the Amazons, and Edwin can play bottom.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Hold on missus muday? Do you remember we're doing it
in the public school? Dorpe? Soy stupid? Now, don't be stupid?
Have the answer is a famous they playing I never played.
(10:49):
I never played the part of bottoms for e.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
When you love it, you play a weaver who's falls
asleep in a forest.
Speaker 8 (10:56):
Good a magic spell is cast over.
Speaker 7 (11:00):
When Bottom wakes up, you have the head of.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
A jackass, the head of attacker.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Here's why the bottom falls.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Out of the patio, Lily, Are you crazy? Here my
first appearance on the stage in years. You want me
to wear the head of a jackass. What'll people say?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Hasn't changed?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
The bed?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
And there?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
When you return that vanishing cream we bought practice on
her birthday, tell them it didn't work. She's still around, Sam.
Whatever it is, you can count on us, right, Edwin?
Very well, we'll do something. Well, that's just George. Here
are some tickets for you to sell it, Okay, here's
taken ed. Make your friends bottom.
Speaker 7 (11:50):
Better, get back and rehearse the balcony, saying I have
to practice climbing that balcony.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
The other day I.
Speaker 7 (11:57):
Fell down and almost split my head open.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
He's the right, mother, he is.
Speaker 7 (12:05):
Well, let's go Marta and I want to have a
martini before dinner.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Good.
Speaker 7 (12:09):
We never drink, but we always have that one marginie
the voidinnery.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
Isn't that right, mother? Good? Oh gad, it's people like
that who give neighbors a bad name.
Speaker 4 (12:25):
Now, and when I like the Harrisons, that's Sam Harrison.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
He's down to earth, not far enough.
Speaker 4 (12:33):
Well, baby can help him.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Out with their pta theatricals. You will try and sell
the tickets, won't you, Edwin, Yes, yes, I'll sell them
to the people around my uncle good Heart radio program.
Oh that's nice. Yes, I've been trying to get even
with them for some time now.
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Even it'll be fun.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
We'll be one of our old scene, one of our
old seeds. Oh lily, how the mighty have faught The
magnifisent Molecules will give you one paid six sixty a
ticket to see it Hamlet, Macbeth Julius season. Well now
we see in public schools thirty seven forty cents with
(13:10):
cold cuts.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
We'll be back with a magnificent Montogo in just a moment.
Speaker 7 (13:28):
P R O g R E M bug.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Ugg and I'll back to the magnificent Montagu. It is
the day of the Pta piaprical. He is just finishing
(13:54):
his Uncle good Heart broadcast. Listen, and so Ronald, remember.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
As you ride out on the highway, always keep your
head high the sun.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
And so ends another episode of Uncle Goodheart, until he
beats you again in his little cottage on the sunny
side of the lane. Here is Uncle Goodheart with his
thought for the day.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
When your neighbor comes home fighting drunk and attacks his
wife like an ogre, say to her as she's ducking
an axe. He's such a nice man when he's sober. Okay,
(14:52):
you're off the Anna coomodic. You're great show. You really
hit the listeners today. Someday they're going to strike back.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
They love you.
Speaker 8 (15:02):
The housewives have given you their heart.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Good good. As long as the housemaids don't give me
the knee, you're a big hit. The sponsor said he
was thinking of sending you a nice note. Oh come now,
he shouldn't go to the trouble of learning how to write.
Just for that peace. No jokes about a sponsor. Haha,
here's our directors. This is good show aways and it
(15:29):
was a high falutint humdinger im to do. It was
a good shaw, mister Montagu.
Speaker 6 (15:36):
I was supposed to tell you something, but.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
I forgot Sinza, I envy you. You can never get
a headache. There's nothing there ache. Didn't tried remember what
it was?
Speaker 5 (15:52):
Let me see.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Isn't it awful? Not even a glimmer? All right, forget
about it. I did, I know you did. And of boys,
before I leave, I'd like to send you some ticket.
Take it for tonight. The PTA of Public School thirty
seven is having a theatrical eating. My wife and I
are appearing show mus amn it. You will take two here,
(16:16):
I thank you. How about you? Is there?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Well?
Speaker 1 (16:18):
I don't know.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
The wife and I were going bowling tonight.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Boldly. This is an evening of culture, and it's for
a good call. She sure loves the ball. How comes
in service is for the PTA.
Speaker 8 (16:32):
She has her own ball.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
I just tell her no bowling tonight. By by tell
I no bowling tonight, and she'll bowl. Me didn't even
bowl any night. Keep her in condition as a favorably.
Buy the ticket.
Speaker 6 (16:47):
She's got muscles like a horse.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Don't we wait? I wait, My wife and I are
going to appear. You've never seen his act. This is
your chance, and it's cheaper than bowling. Is tab for
forty cents plus cold cut? Oh what are the details? Well,
there would be a scene form Romeo and Juliet, some poetry.
Speaker 7 (17:06):
I don't mean that, but you asked for.
Speaker 6 (17:08):
The detail about the cold cut. No, my wife can't
eat liver worse, and that's not the point. She breaks
out and bump all right, all right, don't take the ticket.
When he's the liver worth and she looks like a
bag of door knom all right, Jef, liverwort.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Is more important than Romeo and Juliet, Say, mister Montagule,
you're really going to do Romeo and Juliet. Not exactly.
Our neighbors, the Harrison's are doing it. It'll probably come
out like the liver worst, big bumps all over, slinger.
Why did you ask about Romeo and Juliet? Oh? I
just so I'd mentioned in a theater column this afternoon.
(17:49):
Max Darland is going to produce Romeo and Juliet for Broadway, maxco.
He's doing Romeo and Julia. Oh, he used to be
my bride. Imagine how far he'll get doing Shakespeare? Will
be Why that nip wit that ninga boop? That incompetently?
That's him? All right.
Speaker 6 (18:09):
I just remember that's the man who's waiting on the
telephone for you.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Zins are you wears the phone? Here? I'll get the connection.
Waiting all this time? Get the connection?
Speaker 6 (18:19):
Oh, Helen, would you connect mister Montague's call up?
Speaker 3 (18:23):
What? No, really, Zinza get Max? Helen?
Speaker 8 (18:32):
Will you send to call up?
Speaker 3 (18:34):
Hello? Oh?
Speaker 8 (18:35):
Here him mister Maia, Hello, May.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
How are you my bled? What do you mean? Huh?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (18:48):
Am I available? Durovio and Julia? What was I born for?
Be it your office at eight o'clock tonight? Try and
keep me from their bags? Canterern If there's the money,
he rides again, Wait till I get home and tell
Lily Well, I said, I'll get it, Lily, Lily, it happened.
(19:17):
It's happened.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
He was thrown off the air.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Quiet when you're late.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
We've got to get to.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
The PTA at a Lily listen. Max Colan wants me
to do Romeo. So that's wonderful, Edmund.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
Now let's sorry, Samon Martin lets an hour ago.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
You don't understand. I can't be bothered without a theatrical snight.
I have to see Max in a few minutes.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
And when you can't run out of don't they have
you listed on the program early?
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Are you mad? Max wants to see me to night tomorrow, lady,
do late. He may get forty seven's Lawrence Olivier any
other of those young squirts who think they can play Romeo.
Speaker 5 (19:49):
But what about the people are.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Coming to see you tonight? I suppose they are unimportable.
Let them see me on Broadway for six sixty without
cold cuts, just fine hands. I mean, I'm in a hurry,
But tomorrow around me, I owe you an insult.
Speaker 4 (20:05):
What will I tell the Harrisons and all the people
who are expecting.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
All tell him I've been drafted. TL Cad It's almost
eight o'clock. I've got see Mac.
Speaker 8 (20:23):
Yes, mister Montague will send him right in. I must
be nuts getting involved with that monster again.
Speaker 7 (20:31):
The ulcers he caused me the sleepless night.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
When I heard Royo Engineer was going to be revived
on Brody. I said, whether I'm it or not, the
best producer in New York is doing it, Maxico.
Speaker 8 (20:46):
How could I do it without you?
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Edwin? Now, Max, there are lots of other actors who
can play Romeo, I know, but none can play it
like Maurice Evans. No, Mag's duncan who Maurice? Heaven?
Speaker 8 (21:03):
That's who I'm getting to play Romeo.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Maurice Evans is playing Romeo? What am I playing? Juliet? No,
you're playing a father? I Edwin money, you playing a bit? No? Wait?
Ed when you are too old to play Romeo? Wol Max.
I always thought you'd reach the height of stupid the day,
but I estimated you. You reached new heights. I will
(21:28):
be Romeo.
Speaker 8 (21:29):
Oh, for Heaven's sake, ed When when Shakespeare wrote the play,
Romeo was sixteen. If I put you on as Romeo,
people will think it's.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
The original company. Why you won? Edwin? Please, let's not
start again. I want you in the play, but give
me a fighting chance, give me a fighting champ, give
me a chance to show you I can do Romeo.
I'll arrange an audition tomorrow. Lilian I am possible.
Speaker 8 (21:54):
I'm signing the final papers with Maurice tomorrow morning.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
Just let me read it for you.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Hello, oh hello, dear what oh no?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Was that tonight? Yes?
Speaker 8 (22:07):
Here, yes here, yes, yes right away?
Speaker 3 (22:10):
Sorry when that was my wife?
Speaker 8 (22:11):
I got a run, Max, if you just head when
I'm late, My wife is dragging me to some horrible
affair tonight, PTA amateur show or something at Public School
thirty seve.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
You just hear me, as Romeo when the thing has
started already. Sorry, Oh the stupid, ungrateful PTA Public School
thirty seven, ha ha, Max, you are going to hear me, yes, Romeo.
Oh God, I hope I've been tied. Sorry, mister, you
(22:51):
can't go backstage. It started. I'm on the program. Let
me through. Now here is he Oh oh Sam, I'll
fit you, mister, mounted you your wife is on stage.
She's just finishing that my.
Speaker 4 (23:01):
Team knife sting, not the wound it makes lady no
heaven teeth through the blanket.
Speaker 8 (23:07):
Of the dog to cry hole Pole.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
I'll listen, Sam, you got here edwn Lily. I'm desperate, Sam,
listen Montague, Marta and I go on right now in
the balcony. Sam, please let Lily and me do the scene,
and how dare you I refuse? Damn, I must play Romeo.
My whole career is at take.
Speaker 7 (23:31):
I'll buy insurance from you twenty year night.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Now the premium sam letter going on said, shame on you.
Ablen Max is out there. Lily, you must go on
with me. Never he well, I'll do it with Marca.
Speaker 7 (23:46):
And now, ladies and gentlemen and friends of the PTA, mister.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
Edwin Montague and my wife Martha Harrison will do the
balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet music. That's how what
light too young? The window breaks? It is the east
(24:16):
and Juliet is the sun rise, health fall and killed
the envious moon. Ah, it is my lady, Yes, it
is my love. She speaks, yet she says nothing. Let's
(24:45):
break this of her sheep, what shame star the daylight?
D's a lamp? Oh that I were a glove upon
that hand? My tie? Then touch that cheek yees Oh,
(25:06):
speak again, bright angel, She speaks again. Juliet, by a name,
I know how to tell thee who I am? My name,
dear saint is hateful to myself because he is an
enemy to me. I sweet Julio, I have a competent
(25:30):
and you yeah, all a Montague. Bless him, bless him night.
I'm afeard all this, she's but a dream. But I
don't lie, Julian, yees my heart, yea, my sweet, my dumb.
(25:55):
I go, But wilt thou leave me so Unsteio, Well,
I'm a fly. All that is ridiculous. Ring on the curtains,
Edwin had day Lily, I'm ruin, ruin, oh, mister Montague,
(26:17):
samnyar cry. It was the most beautiful thing I've heard
since Cohen on the telephone, Lily, I'll never show her
face again. Don't be silly, Edwin. As soon as it
was over, Max rush backstage, Lily, No, where is he?
Speaker 8 (26:31):
No?
Speaker 3 (26:31):
I sent that radcal packing you set you away? He
wanted matha matha for Romeo and Juliet. No. He wanted
to hurt his star in the revival of No No, Nonette,
No No You You.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Listen again next week, Friends to The Magnificent Montague, starring
Marty Woollie. The Magnificent Montague is written by Nap Hiking
and Billy Friedberg and Seymour as Lily, Pert, Kelton and
Agnes also heard tonight were Art Carney, Johnny Gibson and
John Griggs. Jack Ward at the organ. This is Don
Pardo speaking
A Magnificent Montague stirring Marty Wallie. Yes, it's the magnificent Montague. Today,
Edwin Montague, to his great embarrassment, is known only as
(00:35):
Uncle goodtheart star of an afternoon radio program. But perhaps
a few of you older folks remember him when he
traveled the Shakespearean stage and was known as the Magnificent Molecule.
And although radio has brought him a living and dubious fame,
he still dreams of returning to the stage. Right now,
the Montaguo apartment is enjoying a little peace and quiet,
(00:56):
which means he is not home yet from his broadcast.
Lily and his wife and former leading Lady, and Agnes
the Maid are awaiting him for dinner. The telephone is ringing.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Okay, okay, the residents of Edwin Montague and Lily Boy
and Agnes the Maid on this and come in, Roger,
Oh hello, Sam, for sure Sam, and I'll be okay Sam,
Oh sure, Sam, I'll tell us.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
Yeah, so long, Sam, Who you're kidding?
Speaker 4 (01:33):
I know, I know it was Sam, But which Sam?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Which Sam?
Speaker 2 (01:36):
How many? Sam's doing now?
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Oh? Sam? Harrison across the hole.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Give this lady six over dollars in the case of snackers.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Who would he wore?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
He and his wife Mith have something to ask you.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Oh, I hope they drop in before Edwin gets home.
You know how he feels about the house.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I know how he feels about everybody except Edwin Montague.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
That's love, love, love, Stop, Agnes.
Speaker 5 (02:00):
Just hope Sam and his wife get over here right
this minute.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
I don't she's taking a bath.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Well, I hope Edwin's late.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Oh, Sam only wouldn't continually try and sell Edwin life insurance.
They're the only neighbors we have really ever had, and
you can have them.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Oh please, I know Sam can be.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
A little trun No, she stopped trying with those corny jokes.
Speaker 4 (02:23):
Now, Ages, we have to make them feel at home.
We're the only neighbors they know since they moved in
from Saint Louis.
Speaker 6 (02:28):
Okay, I'll make them feel at home.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I'll put on a Saint Louis Cardinal uniform.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Oh, stop pretending you don't like the Harrisons. Don't they
pay you a dollar an hour and your night's off
for sitting with their daughter?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Gwendolyn share They do, and the kid takes it right
away from you. In Jen Rummy oh, no.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
She beats.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
My brain's off.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
I'll like Sam, h I'm ready got here before Edwind arrives.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I'll get it.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Come in, Sam, Sam.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Out the monsters?
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Hello, Edwin? What's this? Hello? Sam? Oh? Never mind? I
come into my own house and it's hello Sam.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
So I said hello Sam, I thought your uncle Sam?
Who else do you look?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Last? Holy? Thank goodness. Agnes finally learned how to bark
out hello. At least we broke her of the habit
of jumping up on people licking their faces. Oh, I
did I sit down? You look tired? Can I, Agnes?
(03:33):
Get something? Years lost.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Some on mis de monic? You have something? I made
a batch of cookies especially for you. You can hardly
taste the icenices.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Leave him alone. After the day of degrading myself on
the radio, I have to come home to this. Well.
How would your program it? Oh? We gave the housewives
both barrels this afternoon with Uncle.
Speaker 4 (03:58):
Goodhart doing good again?
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Is the cottage on the sunny side of the lane?
I was nauseating? Did herd is walking through the woods?
And I find it? Little animal in a big trap?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
What you do up your mouth and let it on.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
The lay tire up the kitchen or something.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I'm not that masteric.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
I wish I could find something funny in life. Radios
got me the Magnifism molecule, rescuing little birds from traps
and fixing the a little broken leg once again, shed
the boards and hamlet the fellow like Beth. Oh for
the smell of bereaspaint. It's been a long time. Yes.
(04:51):
Now the only time I smell grease paint is when
Agnes makes french fried potato's nuts.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
How could I smell some?
Speaker 3 (05:00):
They say?
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I am in Frontina.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
And miss Mercy take him.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Up on everything. There they are, I'll get it there.
Who are Edwin, Sam Harrison his wife Mark? I want
to ask? Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be nice to them.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Ah, mister and missus Harrison, how.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Do you do?
Speaker 7 (05:21):
Miser and Missus Montague heard you program this afternoon, mister Montague,
And I said to Martha.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
They pay him for that.
Speaker 7 (05:29):
Yeah, that's just what I said, didn't I?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Martha, Jess, Well.
Speaker 4 (05:43):
Don't just stand there in the hall.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
No, yeah, yeah, come in a little. Sam.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
You wanted to ask me something.
Speaker 7 (05:54):
Now that you mentioned it, Yes, you see, Missus Montague
Martha and I belong to the parents Jesus Association of
the school our daughter Gwendoll in at ten Public School
thirty seven.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I know, and you want to know why we never
sent Agnes to school. Edwin, be serious, go on, mister Harrison.
Speaker 7 (06:12):
Well, we are trying to raise money.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
For some new playground equipment.
Speaker 7 (06:16):
After all, we want our children to grow up with
healthy minds and healthy bodies.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Why Edwards tell me, miss Harrison, how are you going
to raise the money? Well, is Martha's idea.
Speaker 7 (06:32):
We're going to have an amateur theatrical evening.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
An amateur theatrical evening. Oh no, at theatrical evenings. We
want you to be in it. Lay back in, please
paint again the like the excitement. I'll be where everyone
can see me. You certainly will.
Speaker 6 (06:56):
Be your taking tickets, ticket es, So I'll a ticket taker.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
I suppose my wife Lily will be an usher. Oh no, no,
we understand. She has talent. Oh she has the talent
of the family. That's what the man said, Miss Harrison.
Is making her come as a shock to you. But
for years I was known as an actually as the
magnificent Molecue.
Speaker 5 (07:25):
Oh, I do declare Now do you remember the magnificent Monedule.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Buy Georgia Dall comes back to me. Now, didn't you
appear in Saint Luis many times?
Speaker 7 (07:36):
That's it, We saw you wrestle gorgeous George.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Look, mister Harrison Edwin.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Was regarded as the foremost Shakespearean actor in America. Thousands
of theatergoers still remember his voice.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
And I have the broken hair drums to provid.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
This is that your boys are the delivering coal in
the neighborhood Edwin, mister har Edward and I could do
a scene together for your pta theatrical Fine, fine, what
would you do seem through Shakespeare? Naturally?
Speaker 7 (08:06):
Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, mister Montague. You see, we
already have something from Shakespeare, the balcony scene from Romeo.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
And Juliet Real. And who are the stellar actors about
to perpetrate this crime? Yeah, I'm Romeo, You're Romeo? Yes?
Speaker 5 (08:25):
And guess who's Juliet Noo.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Shakespeare has lived in the hearts of men for three
hundred years, but he'll never survive this blow.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
But let me we could do something else.
Speaker 7 (08:43):
You could recite a poem, Shay, that would be Jim dandy,
a little mother goose for the kiddies, Mother Goose.
Speaker 4 (08:50):
But now remember how beautiful you used to do the
minstrel boy.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
Oh no, not that again, Quiet Edd go ahead, edits
the Minster, where the walls. He's gone, in the ranks
of death. You'll find him. His father's thought. He has
girded round and his wild hop slung behind him.
Speaker 7 (09:16):
Beautiful Edwin by Gum that Irving Berlin can write lyrics,
serving blare.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
There was a point of spirit, Nick.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
Hayson, you can count and Ed and me to be there.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
So good of you. Now wait, this is ridiculous. Lili
and I are famous for our rose in Shakespeare.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Now when Sam and Martha are doing Romeo and Juliet,
they have their hearts second.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Oh yes, indeed, yeah, I've been practicing that love scene
with mother all me, haven't I?
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Mother? All this is delay. As long as you have me,
you might as well exploit my talent.
Speaker 7 (09:53):
We're going to be all right, missus Montague.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
After the show, we're having a buffet.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
You can slice the blooney.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Everyone is doing something for the affair as long as
they're having cold cuts. Why don't you donate your tongue here?
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Who needs a time, So I wait there.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Perhaps Evan and I could do as Shakespearean scene that
wouldn't constick for you Midsummer Night's dreams.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
I can play a politic queen.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Of the Amazons, and Edwin can play bottom.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Hold on missus muday? Do you remember we're doing it
in the public school? Dorpe? Soy stupid? Now, don't be stupid?
Have the answer is a famous they playing I never played.
(10:49):
I never played the part of bottoms for e.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
When you love it, you play a weaver who's falls
asleep in a forest.
Speaker 8 (10:56):
Good a magic spell is cast over.
Speaker 7 (11:00):
When Bottom wakes up, you have the head of.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
A jackass, the head of attacker.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Here's why the bottom falls.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Out of the patio, Lily, Are you crazy? Here my
first appearance on the stage in years. You want me
to wear the head of a jackass. What'll people say?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Hasn't changed?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
The bed?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
And there?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
When you return that vanishing cream we bought practice on
her birthday, tell them it didn't work. She's still around, Sam.
Whatever it is, you can count on us, right, Edwin?
Very well, we'll do something. Well, that's just George. Here
are some tickets for you to sell it, Okay, here's
taken ed. Make your friends bottom.
Speaker 7 (11:50):
Better, get back and rehearse the balcony, saying I have
to practice climbing that balcony.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
The other day I.
Speaker 7 (11:57):
Fell down and almost split my head open.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
He's the right, mother, he is.
Speaker 7 (12:05):
Well, let's go Marta and I want to have a
martini before dinner.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Good.
Speaker 7 (12:09):
We never drink, but we always have that one marginie
the voidinnery.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
Isn't that right, mother? Good? Oh gad, it's people like
that who give neighbors a bad name.
Speaker 4 (12:25):
Now, and when I like the Harrisons, that's Sam Harrison.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
He's down to earth, not far enough.
Speaker 4 (12:33):
Well, baby can help him.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Out with their pta theatricals. You will try and sell
the tickets, won't you, Edwin, Yes, yes, I'll sell them
to the people around my uncle good Heart radio program.
Oh that's nice. Yes, I've been trying to get even
with them for some time now.
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Even it'll be fun.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
We'll be one of our old scene, one of our
old seeds. Oh lily, how the mighty have faught The
magnifisent Molecules will give you one paid six sixty a
ticket to see it Hamlet, Macbeth Julius season. Well now
we see in public schools thirty seven forty cents with
(13:10):
cold cuts.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
We'll be back with a magnificent Montogo in just a moment.
Speaker 7 (13:28):
P R O g R E M bug.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Ugg and I'll back to the magnificent Montagu. It is
the day of the Pta piaprical. He is just finishing
(13:54):
his Uncle good Heart broadcast. Listen, and so Ronald, remember.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
As you ride out on the highway, always keep your
head high the sun.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
And so ends another episode of Uncle Goodheart, until he
beats you again in his little cottage on the sunny
side of the lane. Here is Uncle Goodheart with his
thought for the day.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
When your neighbor comes home fighting drunk and attacks his
wife like an ogre, say to her as she's ducking
an axe. He's such a nice man when he's sober. Okay,
(14:52):
you're off the Anna coomodic. You're great show. You really
hit the listeners today. Someday they're going to strike back.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
They love you.
Speaker 8 (15:02):
The housewives have given you their heart.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Good good. As long as the housemaids don't give me
the knee, you're a big hit. The sponsor said he
was thinking of sending you a nice note. Oh come now,
he shouldn't go to the trouble of learning how to write.
Just for that peace. No jokes about a sponsor. Haha,
here's our directors. This is good show aways and it
(15:29):
was a high falutint humdinger im to do. It was
a good shaw, mister Montagu.
Speaker 6 (15:36):
I was supposed to tell you something, but.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
I forgot Sinza, I envy you. You can never get
a headache. There's nothing there ache. Didn't tried remember what
it was?
Speaker 5 (15:52):
Let me see.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Isn't it awful? Not even a glimmer? All right, forget
about it. I did, I know you did. And of boys,
before I leave, I'd like to send you some ticket.
Take it for tonight. The PTA of Public School thirty
seven is having a theatrical eating. My wife and I
are appearing show mus amn it. You will take two here,
(16:16):
I thank you. How about you? Is there?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Well?
Speaker 1 (16:18):
I don't know.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
The wife and I were going bowling tonight.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Boldly. This is an evening of culture, and it's for
a good call. She sure loves the ball. How comes
in service is for the PTA.
Speaker 8 (16:32):
She has her own ball.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
I just tell her no bowling tonight. By by tell
I no bowling tonight, and she'll bowl. Me didn't even
bowl any night. Keep her in condition as a favorably.
Buy the ticket.
Speaker 6 (16:47):
She's got muscles like a horse.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Don't we wait? I wait, My wife and I are
going to appear. You've never seen his act. This is
your chance, and it's cheaper than bowling. Is tab for
forty cents plus cold cut? Oh what are the details? Well,
there would be a scene form Romeo and Juliet, some poetry.
Speaker 7 (17:06):
I don't mean that, but you asked for.
Speaker 6 (17:08):
The detail about the cold cut. No, my wife can't
eat liver worse, and that's not the point. She breaks
out and bump all right, all right, don't take the ticket.
When he's the liver worth and she looks like a
bag of door knom all right, Jef, liverwort.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Is more important than Romeo and Juliet, Say, mister Montagule,
you're really going to do Romeo and Juliet. Not exactly.
Our neighbors, the Harrison's are doing it. It'll probably come
out like the liver worst, big bumps all over, slinger.
Why did you ask about Romeo and Juliet? Oh? I
just so I'd mentioned in a theater column this afternoon.
(17:49):
Max Darland is going to produce Romeo and Juliet for Broadway, maxco.
He's doing Romeo and Julia. Oh, he used to be
my bride. Imagine how far he'll get doing Shakespeare? Will
be Why that nip wit that ninga boop? That incompetently?
That's him? All right.
Speaker 6 (18:09):
I just remember that's the man who's waiting on the
telephone for you.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Zins are you wears the phone? Here? I'll get the connection.
Waiting all this time? Get the connection?
Speaker 6 (18:19):
Oh, Helen, would you connect mister Montague's call up?
Speaker 3 (18:23):
What? No, really, Zinza get Max? Helen?
Speaker 8 (18:32):
Will you send to call up?
Speaker 3 (18:34):
Hello? Oh?
Speaker 8 (18:35):
Here him mister Maia, Hello, May.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
How are you my bled? What do you mean? Huh?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (18:48):
Am I available? Durovio and Julia? What was I born for?
Be it your office at eight o'clock tonight? Try and
keep me from their bags? Canterern If there's the money,
he rides again, Wait till I get home and tell
Lily Well, I said, I'll get it, Lily, Lily, it happened.
(19:17):
It's happened.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
He was thrown off the air.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Quiet when you're late.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
We've got to get to.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
The PTA at a Lily listen. Max Colan wants me
to do Romeo. So that's wonderful, Edmund.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
Now let's sorry, Samon Martin lets an hour ago.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
You don't understand. I can't be bothered without a theatrical snight.
I have to see Max in a few minutes.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
And when you can't run out of don't they have
you listed on the program early?
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Are you mad? Max wants to see me to night tomorrow, lady,
do late. He may get forty seven's Lawrence Olivier any
other of those young squirts who think they can play Romeo.
Speaker 5 (19:49):
But what about the people are.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Coming to see you tonight? I suppose they are unimportable.
Let them see me on Broadway for six sixty without
cold cuts, just fine hands. I mean, I'm in a hurry,
But tomorrow around me, I owe you an insult.
Speaker 4 (20:05):
What will I tell the Harrisons and all the people
who are expecting.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
All tell him I've been drafted. TL Cad It's almost
eight o'clock. I've got see Mac.
Speaker 8 (20:23):
Yes, mister Montague will send him right in. I must
be nuts getting involved with that monster again.
Speaker 7 (20:31):
The ulcers he caused me the sleepless night.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
When I heard Royo Engineer was going to be revived
on Brody. I said, whether I'm it or not, the
best producer in New York is doing it, Maxico.
Speaker 8 (20:46):
How could I do it without you?
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Edwin? Now, Max, there are lots of other actors who
can play Romeo, I know, but none can play it
like Maurice Evans. No, Mag's duncan who Maurice? Heaven?
Speaker 8 (21:03):
That's who I'm getting to play Romeo.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Maurice Evans is playing Romeo? What am I playing? Juliet? No,
you're playing a father? I Edwin money, you playing a bit? No? Wait?
Ed when you are too old to play Romeo? Wol Max.
I always thought you'd reach the height of stupid the day,
but I estimated you. You reached new heights. I will
(21:28):
be Romeo.
Speaker 8 (21:29):
Oh, for Heaven's sake, ed When when Shakespeare wrote the play,
Romeo was sixteen. If I put you on as Romeo,
people will think it's.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
The original company. Why you won? Edwin? Please, let's not
start again. I want you in the play, but give
me a fighting chance, give me a fighting champ, give
me a chance to show you I can do Romeo.
I'll arrange an audition tomorrow. Lilian I am possible.
Speaker 8 (21:54):
I'm signing the final papers with Maurice tomorrow morning.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
Just let me read it for you.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Hello, oh hello, dear what oh no?
Speaker 3 (22:05):
Was that tonight? Yes?
Speaker 8 (22:07):
Here, yes here, yes, yes right away?
Speaker 3 (22:10):
Sorry when that was my wife?
Speaker 8 (22:11):
I got a run, Max, if you just head when
I'm late, My wife is dragging me to some horrible
affair tonight, PTA amateur show or something at Public School
thirty seve.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
You just hear me, as Romeo when the thing has
started already. Sorry, Oh the stupid, ungrateful PTA Public School
thirty seven, ha ha, Max, you are going to hear me, yes, Romeo.
Oh God, I hope I've been tied. Sorry, mister, you
(22:51):
can't go backstage. It started. I'm on the program. Let
me through. Now here is he Oh oh Sam, I'll
fit you, mister, mounted you your wife is on stage.
She's just finishing that my.
Speaker 4 (23:01):
Team knife sting, not the wound it makes lady no
heaven teeth through the blanket.
Speaker 8 (23:07):
Of the dog to cry hole Pole.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
I'll listen, Sam, you got here edwn Lily. I'm desperate, Sam,
listen Montague, Marta and I go on right now in
the balcony. Sam, please let Lily and me do the scene,
and how dare you I refuse? Damn, I must play Romeo.
My whole career is at take.
Speaker 7 (23:31):
I'll buy insurance from you twenty year night.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Now the premium sam letter going on said, shame on you.
Ablen Max is out there. Lily, you must go on
with me. Never he well, I'll do it with Marca.
Speaker 7 (23:46):
And now, ladies and gentlemen and friends of the PTA, mister.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
Edwin Montague and my wife Martha Harrison will do the
balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet music. That's how what
light too young? The window breaks? It is the east
(24:16):
and Juliet is the sun rise, health fall and killed
the envious moon. Ah, it is my lady, Yes, it
is my love. She speaks, yet she says nothing. Let's
(24:45):
break this of her sheep, what shame star the daylight?
D's a lamp? Oh that I were a glove upon
that hand? My tie? Then touch that cheek yees Oh,
(25:06):
speak again, bright angel, She speaks again. Juliet, by a name,
I know how to tell thee who I am? My name,
dear saint is hateful to myself because he is an
enemy to me. I sweet Julio, I have a competent
(25:30):
and you yeah, all a Montague. Bless him, bless him night.
I'm afeard all this, she's but a dream. But I
don't lie, Julian, yees my heart, yea, my sweet, my dumb.
(25:55):
I go, But wilt thou leave me so Unsteio, Well,
I'm a fly. All that is ridiculous. Ring on the curtains,
Edwin had day Lily, I'm ruin, ruin, oh, mister Montague,
(26:17):
samnyar cry. It was the most beautiful thing I've heard
since Cohen on the telephone, Lily, I'll never show her
face again. Don't be silly, Edwin. As soon as it
was over, Max rush backstage, Lily, No, where is he?
Speaker 8 (26:31):
No?
Speaker 3 (26:31):
I sent that radcal packing you set you away? He
wanted matha matha for Romeo and Juliet. No. He wanted
to hurt his star in the revival of No No, Nonette,
No No You You.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Listen again next week, Friends to The Magnificent Montague, starring
Marty Woollie. The Magnificent Montague is written by Nap Hiking
and Billy Friedberg and Seymour as Lily, Pert, Kelton and
Agnes also heard tonight were Art Carney, Johnny Gibson and
John Griggs. Jack Ward at the organ. This is Don
Pardo speaking
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