ep.109: are you gay?

On this week's episode, Audrey and Sarah find out if they are gay! Or at the very least they take a bunch of quizzes about it! Gender, sex, and so much more on this week's episode. So grab a seat and come be clueless with us! If you are loving CFC, do not forget to rate, review, subscribe, and follow! Follow us on our social media pages!  IG: https://www.instagram.com/completelyfuckingclueless/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@completelyfckingclueless Sarah IG/TT: @sarahaliceliddy
Audrey IG: @a.j.flowers Audrey TT: audrey.j.flowers Please note this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Episode Transcript

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Speaker 4 (01:09):
Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Completely Fucking Clueless Podcast.

Speaker 1 (01:12):
My name is Sarah Alice Liddy and my name is
Audredine Flowers, and we both use her pronouns. And we're
in my apartment. What a fun thing that we have
going now.

Speaker 4 (01:22):
We're just like changing studios, you know, because we have
that type of money.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
Out of my students. You mean our apartment literally.

Speaker 4 (01:29):
Literally, But you guys get a change of scenery, which
is probably maybe nice.

Speaker 5 (01:33):
I don't know, I can't tell. Yeah, for you just listening,
nothing's changed on your end.

Speaker 4 (01:38):
Yeah, but it's nice because I feel like, at least
for this month, we're kind of back on a schedule
of seeing each other on a weekly.

Speaker 1 (01:45):
Basis, which is nice.

Speaker 5 (01:46):
I know.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
Yeah, it feels like.

Speaker 4 (01:48):
I had a therapy session today, actually the last one,
not with the new therapist. I had my last one
with my current therapists at least for six weeks. We
kind of set this deadline of like, okay, like I
have my first session with the new one tomorrow. And
so she was like, you can't date two people at once, and.

Speaker 1 (02:05):
I was like, I know, I beg to differ, I
beg to differ. Should I have a roster of therapist? Yeah? Absolutely,
Yeah that's hot, that's hot, that's hot.

Speaker 4 (02:15):
That's emotionally that's emotionally stable. But we set like out
an appointment for six weeks and she was like, you know,
let me know how tomorrow goes. And you know, because
those first few sessions will be like an evaluation period, and.

Speaker 1 (02:31):
It's so annoying. It's like, here's every problem I've had
in my life, here on my traumas.

Speaker 4 (02:39):
So yeah, I'll have a couple sessions that are like
an evaluation period, and then she'll come to me and
be like, hey, this is what I'm seeing, this is
what I think we should do.

Speaker 1 (02:46):
And of course, like I could not like her as well.
So it feels so mean to dump up, to dump them.

Speaker 5 (02:53):
I particularly when us right off the back, because it's
just like, to be honest, a lot of it, like
for me at least, has been like about vibe of
like do I vibe with you and feel comforable talking
to you, and like there's no way to just be like, hey, sorry,
I just uh, I don't really like talking to you.

Speaker 4 (03:05):
Well that's what I said to my therapist today. I
was like, so I just kind of chose off vibe
and she's like, yeah, exactly. Yeah, so yeah, we'll see
how it goes, I guess, but we're making moves. And
it was funny because in this like session today, we
sort of talked about how I have this tendency and
it first exhibited itself in like my relationships, and then

(03:27):
it sort of came in in other ways too, where
I stay in the comfortable like oh yeah, yeah, the.

Speaker 5 (03:34):
Devil's I mean that, you I meant that as boys
at fucking hard to leave what you know?

Speaker 4 (03:38):
Yeah, yeah, I stay in the devil I know, because
even when I'm thinking about my jobs, Like okay, so
also last year today was the day that I started
my residency. Yeah, so it's been a year at my job,
which is kind of crazy. But I remember when starting
to look for other jobs, I was thinking about, like,

(03:59):
how is this going to effect? Like the podcast, like
I'm so nervous to get a full time job because
what if I can't handle it, what if it's terrible?
Da Da da da da da da. You know, I
got the job and I figured out figured it out,
and then like similarly, I'm at the same point where
I'm like, oh.

Speaker 1 (04:12):
My gosh, like what if I switched job?

Speaker 4 (04:15):
Oh my god, guys, my mouth is so dry, so
my words are like jumbling together. I'm like, what if
I switch jobs? What if I switch therapists? And things
are terrible? Like, let me just stay in what's comfortable.

Speaker 5 (04:25):
Uh, change is so hard, Yeah, I fully maybe I
already mentioned this on a different episode with moving, like
it's been a lot of change, and as much as
like it was changed that I was pretty prepared for
and whatnot, Like there are moments where I like feel
the like stress about like that level of chain slipping
out of Like when I went to the grocery store
and I couldn't find any of the type of cheese
that I like to buy yep, And I just, I
like literally almost started crying in this grocery store.

Speaker 4 (04:48):
I stared at the.

Speaker 5 (04:49):
Wall of cheeses for like twenty minutes because none of
them were a brand of cheese I'd bought before.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
And I was like, where is my cheese?

Speaker 5 (04:54):
I just need I want better cheese, but I want
it to be a brand that I've bought from before.

Speaker 1 (04:58):
And oh my god, why do have fucking cracker barrel
cracker is not.

Speaker 5 (05:02):
Even cheese, Like, God, it was the only cheese brain
I could think of in this moment.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
Anyway.

Speaker 4 (05:06):
Change is hard, Yeah, it is, And it's interesting because
it's like you know that the situation that you're in
is not working for you, Yes, but somehow it seems
better or like to your brain than the possibility of
finding something new and then it being.

Speaker 5 (05:22):
Terrible because the unknown, like what we cannot calculate and
what is unknown to us is inherently scary. Yeah, like
just not knowing just kind of like the dark is scary,
Like t bh, I still find the dark kind of scary.
Not gonna lie. I was a little one. When I
was a kid, I was kind of convinced that uh
sound would like scare off the dark. So anytime that
I had to go, like walk to my parents' bathroom
alone and it was dark, I would full sing to

(05:44):
myself because I was like, the noise will scare off
the monsters.

Speaker 4 (05:48):
I love that.

Speaker 1 (05:48):
But change absolutely fucking terrifying.

Speaker 5 (05:51):
I mean, like, I I resisted a long time getting
even diagnosed with depression because I watched other people in
my family go through it. I knew what it looked like,
but just the idea of that change and it being
like real was so scary, and the change of like
that having to deal with it.

Speaker 4 (06:04):
I was like, I'd rather.

Speaker 5 (06:05):
Just stay in here where I'm absolutely fucking miserable and
do nothing about it.

Speaker 4 (06:09):
Literally. Yeah, it's so interesting because like you could make
a change, and I feel like ninety like something percent
of the time you do feel better from it, Like.

Speaker 1 (06:18):
It's just the doing it.

Speaker 4 (06:19):
Yeah, And it's just that like a couple of percentage
of like what if it's what if it's terrible, But
something that my therapist and Olivia say to me all
the time is like, sure it could be terrible, but
you are strong enough to figure it out if it
is terrible. So yeah, a lot of change happening. I'll
keep you guys posted on how the new therapy goes.

(06:41):
But yeah, I can't believe it. A very like crazy
day for me last therapy session one year at my job.
She's a personal growth growth, growth, but like also not
growth at the same time, Like I say, I said
to my therapist, I don't undercut your accomplishment. Sure, no,
there is a lot of growth. Like it's funny, I'm

(07:01):
gonna change the story that I was gonna say. I
texted my parents today and I was like, yeah, one
year at my job, like feeling very accomplished. I did
da da da, And my dad texted me back, like
I'm so proud of you, and like whatever, I know,
whatever version of success that you have and you build
for yourself is gonna be amazing. I started hystorically crying, yep, hysterical.
I was like, someone's proud of me doing a good job.

Speaker 1 (07:25):
Yep.

Speaker 4 (07:25):
Yeah, hysterical, hysterically crying. I just like it was funny.

Speaker 5 (07:29):
I was getting back into auditioning. I've been talking to
one of my friends. I'm a lot about it, and she,
to be honest, has been one of the people who
like definitely like not pushed me back into it, but
like encouraged me.

Speaker 1 (07:39):
In a really wonderful way.

Speaker 5 (07:40):
Yeah, and I'm gonna start crying if I talk about
it for too long, but like, I truly like her
support meant the world for me. And then I texted
her like I I the first audition that I went, like,
we kind of wore at the same one, and then
when I went to a second one, I texted her
and like having support and encouragement and like people who
care about you and cheer you on when you like

(08:01):
do good or even when.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
You just like do something. Yeah, makes a fucking difference.

Speaker 5 (08:05):
Like I've now gone to three auditions in like the
span of one week, and like six months ago, I
really couldn't have imagined that, And like, I really genuinely
am so thankful to my wonderful friend Emma because she
has been like such a lovely support system like throughout
like hey, the past several years. But like of someone
who like I can really talk to about the therapy

(08:26):
theater and like who is really like not even nudged me,
but helps sort of hold my hand as I sort
of consider maybe walking down that path age.

Speaker 4 (08:35):
Yeah, I feel like when something is scary, like it's
nice when somebody's there to like hold your hands sometimes
and be like hey, like you can do it.

Speaker 5 (08:44):
News, it turns out community and friends are helpful and
a good thing. And also, hey, hey, you you you
who won't accept help when people offer it, take it
when they offer four times? Take it because guess what,
You're gonna feel so much better accepting that help. You're
not going to feel like you're fucking drowning anymore, and
guess what your.

Speaker 1 (09:03):
Friend's like helping you.

Speaker 5 (09:04):
I know that at least within my head, like I
I for so long and even still now, I'm so
focused on like not being a inconvenience to people or
like be too much of a burden. And it's like, hey,
anytime a friend asks you to help out, I never
leave that situation being.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
Like, oh, there's such a burden, fucking hate them.

Speaker 5 (09:23):
Sure it's like, no, you leave feeling good because you
just helped a friend, Like, so let your friends help you.

Speaker 1 (09:28):
Okay, period to change gears. It's Pride month. It is
Pride month. It is Juelulis moment.

Speaker 4 (09:35):
I don't have a clueless to them. I don't, guys,
my mouth is so dry I cannot no. But it's
just so interesting that like when your mouth is dry,
like you can't.

Speaker 1 (09:44):
You can't speak. Yeah, no, it's a dead giveaway for me.

Speaker 5 (09:47):
When I'm stoned of sometimes I get really bad dry
mouth and my words get sticky.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah, it's really embarrassing.

Speaker 4 (09:52):
It's embarrassing, especially for a podcast like you guys are
listening to this audio of us speaking.

Speaker 1 (09:57):
Anyways, it is Pride month, it is Prime month.

Speaker 4 (10:01):
And something I wanted to say was and I don't
think this is the coolest moment. Maybe it is a
cluelest moment. So Olivia and I started watching Survivor, yes,
because there's not much on TV. We love the Traders
and so you know, people from Survivor will.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
Watch The Ultimatum, the gay season.

Speaker 4 (10:17):
The Ultimatum.

Speaker 1 (10:17):
Oh yes, I have wait is there a new one? No? No,
but there's anyone coming out this August or September.

Speaker 4 (10:22):
I know, well, because so I've watched the Ultimatum, right.

Speaker 1 (10:25):
I've not watched the straight seasons. I don't care about
the straight season. Yeah, they're okay.

Speaker 4 (10:28):
I thought the Ultimatum was really good. But Olivia doesn't
like like Love is Blind, they don't like and but
I was like, I really wanted them to watch the
Ultimatum with me. They wouldn't, And now I've made it
a required watching amazing, Like, so I'm like waiting for
the next season because I want to watch it with
them because I like their opinions on couples. I think
it's interesting to watch couples problems or like the things
that people struggle with and kind of like talk about

(10:50):
it with your partner. And think about like, oh, like,
how would we deal with something like this?

Speaker 1 (10:55):
Oh that's so mach sure, I don't know. I think
it's interesting.

Speaker 5 (10:58):
Is back to what you're saying about Survivors.

Speaker 4 (11:01):
Okay, No, I like it. I think it's it's interesting,
especially with somebody that's like, I don't know, I.

Speaker 5 (11:06):
Only care about the gay seasons. Yeah, I don't want
to see the streets gay seasons.

Speaker 4 (11:10):
Well, Survivor doesn't have gay seasons. But Liz informs me
that watching Survivor is gay. I believe that.

Speaker 5 (11:16):
Do you know who's the number one Survivor supporter lover
take a guess.

Speaker 1 (11:21):
I only have like four fronts, Chilia Parry.

Speaker 4 (11:22):
Yeah. Absolutely, Okay, this is so interesting because I was like, yeah,
like Olivia and I are starting Survivor. There's nothing to watch,
so or were like why not? And Liz goes survive
watching Survivor is gay, and I was like, I'm gay
and this is that's the moment you discovered it for
watching Survivor. No, but it's like, okay, So sometimes I
feel like, you know, people will talk about how like,

(11:44):
oh I knew I was gay because I had a
crush on this celebrity or like whatever, And when somebody
asked me that, like, what was your gay awakening, I
feel like I never have an answer.

Speaker 1 (11:54):
I don't think I do either.

Speaker 5 (11:56):
Yeah, but I think it's just because I thought, like
everyone's really pretty and I didn't know that like there
was a not that way of thinking.

Speaker 4 (12:02):
Ry. It's interesting because like I think I didn't have
like some like gay awakening because my first kiss was
with Olivia, who was then a girl, right, so it
was sort of like it was already happening to me
and right in front of me. Like the experiences I
had were my awakening.

Speaker 5 (12:18):
I think, like weirdly for me, just like it's a
different time now, and like we we talk about people
being gay existing a lot more than like we used
to of like it wasn't a very common thing in media.
I mean, like Glee, I know, is huge, crazy big
representation like that was groundbreaking at that fucking time. And
so like I know, like truly for myself, like I

(12:39):
didn't know by being guy sexual as an option until
someone mentioned it to me in high school and I
was like, oh, but I just.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
Thought, hey, people are hot.

Speaker 5 (12:47):
I realized, like I really loved I think I've spoken
about this before, but I would always like with in
movies and TV shows. I loved couples, Like I wouldn't
often care about like a singular person as much, but
I really liked couples, and I think it was usually
just it was like.

Speaker 4 (13:00):
They're really hot.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
But I didn't have a moment either, and I'm a
little disappointed that I didn't.

Speaker 4 (13:05):
Yeah, And so like I think when things like, oh,
watching Survivor is gay or like doing something that is
like inherently queer, but like you just it's just like
something about yourself, it makes me feel like I'm like
kind of a part of the community. Because even though
I've been out for four years, I've been in a
queer relationship for four years, there's still a part of

(13:26):
me that feels like not a part of the community,
which is like weird, but like is a thing, Oh,
absolutely same.

Speaker 5 (13:34):
I mean, I've been out since I was in high school,
and I I mean, and really the way it comes
slightly different is like I've only been in one actual relationship.
I've only had sex with two people and they were
both men. So there's a huge part of me that
still very much feels like a fucking fraud and there's
like a little mean voice in the back of my
head that's like, are you doing this for attention? But

(13:55):
I'm like, imen are really hot and I would like
to kiss them.

Speaker 1 (13:58):
Yeah, yeah, I feel like you.

Speaker 4 (14:00):
I've talked about lately how you're like more interested in,
like exploring relationships with women than men.

Speaker 5 (14:06):
Yeah, I've really not found myself very interested in men recently.
I also a whole separate thing that I'm probably not
gonna super dive into right now.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
That's okay, but sort of.

Speaker 5 (14:16):
A lot of realizations that I've had in my life
have kind of, uh come slowly to me, Like when
I realized that I was struggling very different But you'll
see how these are late when I get to the end,
I promise, Like when I realized that I was struggling
really badly with suicidal ideation, Like there was a moment eclipse,
Like I had for years been talking, like talking to

(14:37):
myself and thinking about how I didn't want to exist,
and there was a moment wre co clickt of like, hey,
do you know what not wanting to exist is wanting.

Speaker 4 (14:44):
To be dead?

Speaker 5 (14:46):
And I've for a lot of years, I think I've
spoken about how like I don't love gender as a concept,
and something I've really been like stewing on a lot
is like my relationship to like being a woman, and
like if I feel that really one hundred percent fitt
and I still definitely have a lot.

Speaker 1 (15:01):
Of exploring to do.

Speaker 5 (15:02):
And I would say like I definitely probably once a
year for about three months, change my pronouns on like
social media to SI the and then I sort of
chicken out and changed in the back for the rest
of the year. I'm currently going through another phase with
that of just like I there's something that feels very
limiting about the idea of like too specific about being
like a woman and something that doesn't quite feel right,

(15:22):
and like I don't want to be a man.

Speaker 1 (15:25):
I'm not interested in being on testosterone.

Speaker 5 (15:28):
But like I've I think I've spoken a lot about
how like, hey, if gender was way less of a
fucking thing, I would get my titties yanked right off.
I already plan on getting a lot of my titty
cut off, And like I feel like a person more
than I feel specifically like a woman. A woman is
how I've been raised in socialized and I feel like
it's a lot of people in my personal life would
be confused by this, particularly because like I love pink,

(15:49):
and I know a lot of ways really present very feminine, but.

Speaker 4 (15:53):
I don't know it just.

Speaker 1 (15:56):
I've I've spoken a lot.

Speaker 5 (15:57):
About how like I don't love how jam everything is,
and how often like I wish that I could just
sort of be a blob of energy and not have
to have a physical form. But that's something I'm choosing
to examine for myself. This padcam is my relationship to
gender and how I kind of wish it didn't exist
period as you should.

Speaker 4 (16:16):
I feel like, you know, kind of that this concept
like you're always coming out, You're always figuring out things
about yourself and exploring things. I know that's something that
I want to do in my new therapy journey. I'm
calling it my new therapy chapter. Like is really kind
of talk about like the internalized photo, the internalized homophobia

(16:38):
I have toward myself, just like.

Speaker 1 (16:39):
Things like that.

Speaker 4 (16:40):
But like also things have gotten a lot better since
it came out four years ago. Like you know, I
think about how uncomfortable I was at first, like going
out with Olivia, holding hands, kissing, all that stuff, and
like thinking about like the date that we went on Sunday,
like we're at the Whitney in New York and and yes,
I think New York feels safe right for the most part,

(17:02):
And like, yeah, we're holding hands, we're kissing, like you
see other queer couples, and that's just like the universal
experience of queer people or queer couples I think, or like, yeah, no,
queer people in general.

Speaker 1 (17:11):
It's like when you spot one of yea like spot
each other. You're like, if two.

Speaker 5 (17:15):
Women see me staring at them in public, I promise
I'm not doing in a homophobic way.

Speaker 4 (17:19):
I just like see.

Speaker 5 (17:21):
Couples specifically of like more female presenting people.

Speaker 1 (17:25):
I just kind of found myself staring at.

Speaker 4 (17:27):
Them a little same when I especially like on social
media too, when I see queer couples, and especially queer
couples with children, because you know.

Speaker 1 (17:34):
That really too much for me.

Speaker 4 (17:36):
You're like, that is terrible. No, there's just one couple
that I that makes that My god, guys, I'm so
sorry this episode in my mouth. There's just one queer
couple that makes like outfit checks with their daughter and
like it is so cute, cute. They're all wearing like
batching Adidas samas. I'm like, oh my god, that's so cute,

(17:58):
and it just like makes me hopeful because that's a
representation that like for me right as somebody who like
one day wants to get married and have children and
like you're not seeing that a lot with your situation,
and so to see it out there, whether it's like
in person on the street or like on TikTok, it
makes me feel hopeful and it makes me feel like, Okay,
like I can do this too, Like this will be

(18:18):
my journey and there's representation out there for my journey,
and my journey can be like a beautiful one, an
amazing one, and my children can live like amazing lives.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
I have two queer female couples that I follow that
both have children.

Speaker 4 (18:31):
All send them your way, yeah, please do yeah, because
that was actually one of the first things that when
I came out, was like a really big thing for me,
was like trying to find other queer couples that like,
we're representation like a lot. I like to look at
a lot of queer women's pages that are fem because
I'm very fem and sometimes that's a part of my
identity that I struggle with because it feels like when

(18:52):
people look at me, they don't really see queer. Like
Liz and I and two of her friends were at
a rustaurant the other day and the way was like, Oh,
I didn't think you guys were gay.

Speaker 5 (19:02):
Yeah, and yeah, and I get jell. Sometimes my sister
reads is really gay she does and I don't, And
I got a little jealous of that sometimes.

Speaker 4 (19:11):
Yeah. Yeah, it just makes you feel like I guess
like it makes me close in a little bit or
just feel weird. But yeah, I think like that was
a huge thing at the beginning of my journey, was
just trying to find the representation of like the life
that I have in my head, and people that look
like me are in relationships like me, like living that
life beautifully and successfully and happily. Yeah yeah, but back

(19:33):
to clueless moments that was so far away. Do you
have any I don't think I have.

Speaker 1 (19:37):
I do have one.

Speaker 5 (19:38):
Okay, go for it, Okay, I know how it would
work in person because it's similar to college. How do
you like fuck someone via dating app? I'm not really
asking because I plan on doing it. I just don't
really think that works for me. But this is something
I've been curious about now for a couple of years
of like, how do you have sex with somebody on
a dating app? Yeah, from a dating app? Like how
does that conversation work? Like obviously you can just say like, Hi,

(20:02):
I would like to have sex with you, Please come
have sex with me, but like what do you do it?
And I made a TikTok about this and people I
have given me some interesting answers of like they'll often
meet up for a drink beforehand, or be like do
you want to watch a movie? And it does make
me think of like I haven't to watch a movie
and we watched the movie. I might have misread that. Oops,
And yeah, it's just so curious me because like I

(20:24):
kind of know how it'd work in college, but that
was mostly all in person. You would like go to
a frat and you would like just sort of see
each other, make out whatever, leave, But like how it
works with the hooking up via dating app? Like because
like I don't want like a stranger in my home,
but I also don't really want to go to a
stranger's home, And like how how that conversation works? How
you let them know like, Hey, I would like to

(20:45):
have sex and that is what I'm looking for in
this moment.

Speaker 4 (20:48):
Yeah. Wow, that is so interesting because I've never yeah,
I've never had that experience.

Speaker 1 (20:53):
I have had one one night stand in Pooddakana. I've
never had a one night stand.

Speaker 4 (20:58):
And I you know what, I had a little bit
of alcohol. It was consensual everybody. But so, like, I
don't one hundred percent remember the moment where we decided,
like I was still in person, Like, how does a wa? Yeah,
I see, I've never had that experience.

Speaker 1 (21:11):
Because I feel like you can at least somewhat get
vibes in person.

Speaker 4 (21:14):
Yeah. So is there a culture out there where people
are like strictly looking for hookups on dating apps?

Speaker 1 (21:22):
Definitely? Yeah, one hundred percent.

Speaker 5 (21:23):
I mean I would say some of it I feel
like is separated out by like what app you are using? Sure,
Like I feel like Tender tends to be more of
a hookup app or bumble I feel like live somewhere
in the middle, and then Hinges usually for more dating.

Speaker 4 (21:35):
Yeah bumbo.

Speaker 5 (21:35):
I still see mostly dating stuff then everyone in a while,
I got some weird freaky shit on there.

Speaker 1 (21:40):
You know, nothing against that, love your freaky shit.

Speaker 5 (21:42):
I've I'm not going to speak to If I do
have freaky shit, that's gonna stay private for now. That
definitely really implies that I'm into something weird. Oh well,
I'm gonna move on one hundred percent.

Speaker 1 (21:54):
There is. Yes, hookup culture is definitely a thing.

Speaker 4 (21:56):
I know. It's so funny.

Speaker 5 (21:57):
I've been out of the game for so I've also
been out of the game, my dude, I haven't done
anything beyond kissing since fall of twenty twenty. I'm about
to hit four years. That's that's one that's perfectly okay. Yeah,
I feel like you just have to have a great
collection of sex toys and honestly have had a pretty
low sex trip for the last four years.

Speaker 4 (22:18):
Yeah, and a presence who I feel like you probably
just have to, like whether it's going like dating or
hooking up, like you just have to, like, I guess,
take a step forward, right, But like I specifically, I
feel like in.

Speaker 5 (22:31):
Dating you're allowed to be a little more upfront where
it's like I feel like in like trying to hook up,
there's a lot more like implied, which I'm not great
at that, especially when it's not in person, like when
you can't get tone of voice, like I I can't
tell when people are even flirting with me, Like it's bad.
People need to tell melting with me.

Speaker 4 (22:51):
You need to ask some of our gay male friends.
Because I feel like Grinder, but I feel like that's
such a different culture. Yeah, different culture. Grinder is its
own fucking supper.

Speaker 1 (22:59):
Someone.

Speaker 5 (23:00):
When I made the tik talk about it, someone told
me to get on Grinder, and I was like, I
don't think Grinder's for me.

Speaker 4 (23:05):
Right, because that's what I'm thinking, right, But yeah, I guess,
like for yeah, like how do you approach that conversation.

Speaker 5 (23:11):
It's also interesting to me, like there isn't really like
I know there are some, but like there are no
major dating apps that are just for queer women that
are queer women focus. Like there are apps, but like
not none to the level of Grinder. But I feel
like part of that is because like the whole whole
joke of the lesbian community is that like everyone dates
like their ex's ex, everyone dates to each other, like

(23:32):
it's very small and all in person. I feel like
in a general sense, it has less of a hookup
culture and more of a dating culture.

Speaker 1 (23:40):
Yeah hmm, but anyway.

Speaker 4 (23:44):
And perplexed this is really perplexing me. Guys, we're going
to reach out to the audience now. I want to
ask people because I bet there are people that have
like figured out how to like hook up.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
I'm certain because we we have friends.

Speaker 4 (23:54):
Are we lame? Yeah?

Speaker 5 (23:57):
Absolutely due nine thirty now, like I couldn't get even
if I wanted to.

Speaker 4 (24:03):
Okay, I'm having sex, but I'm just.

Speaker 1 (24:06):
I'm having nothing.

Speaker 5 (24:10):
Yeah, damn, You're not lame. You're in a relationship. I'm lame.

Speaker 4 (24:14):
Yeah, I mean I like, I'm thinking about the movie
and there was this guy in high school. We would
go to the movies to like hook up, not like
have sex, but like hook up. You know when we before,
like you know, we were doing all that stuff, but
like like I gave a hand job in a in
a movie theater.

Speaker 1 (24:30):
I gave a hand job at a Broadway show. Sarah,
Oh my god, that's.

Speaker 4 (24:36):
Maybe the best thing you've ever told me. You want
to know which musical? Absolutely once.

Speaker 1 (24:48):
That's such a funny musical.

Speaker 4 (24:50):
It's so like I cannot believe I said that. And
that will be on the internet. Nancy Party, Oh my god, no,
Nancy Party warning, warning, this whole.

Speaker 5 (25:01):
Thing has already been a Nancy Perdon. I think Nancy,
I'll put it in Nancy Party. I actually have spoken
to Andrew Party about this though, and he's like, I
think she might just listen to it all the way through,
and I'm like, that's fair.

Speaker 1 (25:11):
I just would like to give her the office, right.

Speaker 4 (25:13):
I'm off in my brain when we say Nancy Party warning,
like any adult in my brain like no, and I
know listens to it right in my brain.

Speaker 5 (25:22):
And then when I run into like someone I knew
seven years ago from high school and they're like, I
love listening to the podcast, I'm.

Speaker 4 (25:28):
Like, oh no, I know. I'm like, oh my god,
they're gonna know that I need a hand job at once.

Speaker 1 (25:34):
See, Like Okay, Honestly, hearing about like.

Speaker 5 (25:36):
You and other friends like sexual experiences from high school,
like it makes me like kind of bummed that I
like really missed that whole thing of like for me,
Like I like I had made out with like one
person in high school, and then my friend group would
all make out a lot, and then I kind of
stepped back from that because I went, you're two straight
women and a gay man, and I feel like this
feels different for me than it does for you too,
so I'm gonna stop. But like, I really didn't do

(25:59):
anything in high school. And then when I went to college,
I started dating someone the first couple of weeks of
college and we like not that far in school, or
maybe like two months into the school. You're like, had sex,
but we full skipped everything in between. We like made
out and then went straight to sex, and we never
during that time of dating did anything in between.

Speaker 4 (26:17):
I mean, ow ye, you lubricated. What Oh my god,
you should have talked to me. I'm like, yeah, it was.

Speaker 1 (26:28):
It was like two months into school.

Speaker 5 (26:29):
I didn't have any friends, so the night after it happened,
I didn't tell anyone until, like I don't remember it
was either like oh yay, okay or steph, Like a
couple of weeks after it happened, We're like, wait, did
that ever happen? I was like, yeah, I told no
one after I had sex at the first time.

Speaker 4 (26:44):
Oh my god, I'm so silly. I was thinking it
was like your boyfriend, not this, okay, Okay, then I
get it, but oh my god.

Speaker 5 (26:53):
My actually after that, I'm gonna be honest, was so
bad it or all that I would just stop him.
I was stopping and be like, no, let's keep going
about her stuff because he was very bad.

Speaker 4 (27:03):
Yeah, Honestly, my sexual experiences started pretty young, Like they
started when I was like had my After having.

Speaker 5 (27:10):
I wish I'd gotten more of that because, like, to
be honest, I then reached a point where it's like, oh,
I feel like I missed the period to be bad
at this, and now I'm old, and like, here's the thing,
I even feel that now, Like I'm now about to
be twenty six, I've had sex with two people, and
to be honest, most of the sex that I've had
was in that one longer relationship that I was in,
but I was on increasingly higher doses of anti depressants
throughout that. Of like, I feel incredibly unconfident in sex,

(27:33):
and I feel like I missed out on a lot
of shit.

Speaker 1 (27:35):
And to be honest, really, Nancy, pretty warning.

Speaker 5 (27:40):
Like I've only given like two and a half low
jobs in my life and it was to that one
guy dated and to be honest, I was very bad
at them. I was not good at keeping my teeth
out of it and would injure his penis. But yeah,
I missed I feel like out on that really crucial
development that I now feel like I'm it's like kind
of too late for me to have and like, I like,

(28:01):
I feel nervous about having sex with women, but like,
to be honest, I don't feel confident in having sex
with men either. I don't feel confident in sex and
that doesn't even count like the additional lay of like, hey,
don't have much experience. Secondary level was on antidepressants and
had no sex drive for early long time. Then third
level mmmmm, sexual assault. We're gonna skip over.

Speaker 4 (28:20):
That though, sure, so I think one I think when
you are with with my god, let me just start
that again everyone. When people are with new partners, I
feel like there's so much time that it takes to
really learn each other's bodies.

Speaker 1 (28:34):
So if the sex isn't like mind blowingly.

Speaker 4 (28:37):
Amazing at first, which is also just like something that
the movies make up, I don't really.

Speaker 1 (28:41):
Even had good sex.

Speaker 5 (28:42):
I've had one sexual instance that I like, really enjoyed
and it wasn't with the guy I dated for like
nine months.

Speaker 4 (28:51):
Yeah, no offense to him, because I feel like at first,
like it takes a second. And that's why I feel
like sometimes like these like hulk up culture. One night
stance can be like dissatisfying for people because not only
is it like emotionally dissatisfying, it can be physically dissatisfying too, right,
And I feel like also when usually there's alcohol mixed
in or something, it's like not that great because let's

(29:13):
be real, like, at least for me, like I've realized
that I really don't like having sex when I am
too like under the I want to like.

Speaker 1 (29:21):
Kise someone a little bit, but I don't want to
do anything other than.

Speaker 4 (29:23):
That because you're numb. You feel literally nothing, and it's
just like everything.

Speaker 1 (29:27):
But I get what you're saying.

Speaker 4 (29:28):
I think, like, you know, I don't think I've I
realized until like, no, I mean I guess I've realized. Yeah,
like I started like having all these sexual experiences contentially
just so everyone knows, very like young and stuff like that.
But yeah, I don't think you should be afraid of
being like bad because I also think, like, especially when

(29:49):
you're talking about like getting into a relationship with somebody,
I think the right person, yeah, will be willing to
work with you because again, like there's this period of
learning each other, the weird.

Speaker 5 (29:58):
Place that I'm stuck in is like I don't think
I'm really in a place where I want to be
in a full committed relationship right now. But hookup culture
isn't something I'm interested in, And so where does that
leave me?

Speaker 4 (30:08):
Nowhere?

Speaker 1 (30:09):
Nowhere?

Speaker 5 (30:09):
Sorry that was hard, No, but like really like I
don't know where that leaves me. Particularly, I think I'm
at a point right now where like for like re
entering and like working on sex stuff, like it would
need to be with someone I'm really comfortable with, and
I kind of need to be in a relationship. But
like relationships take a long time to build up, so
I think I might just end up celibate for the
rest of my life.

Speaker 1 (30:31):
Bummer.

Speaker 4 (30:32):
I feel like you'll figure it out, will figure the
rest of my life. Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's hard.
Sex is complicated, and I feel like as you get older,
because I feel like when I was in high school
having sex, like you were just so hormone heavy that
it was just like you're fucking like bunnies. Like I'm
not kidding, Like I cannot believe how much sex I
was having in high school.

Speaker 5 (30:53):
I was like genuinely kissed maybe once, maybe twice in
high school, like not counting pay or class Oregon.

Speaker 4 (31:00):
My friend group that'll make out with each other, theater kids.
That's what theater kids do.

Speaker 1 (31:05):
Ever, it was love up my dudes, they'll make out
with each other. They're all horny little bitches.

Speaker 4 (31:10):
But I feel like now, like you know, I'm on
medications too that I think sometimes affects my sex dribes,
my sex dribes, my sex drive. I also feel like
life is busy and sometimes you're tired, and like, you know, it.

Speaker 1 (31:24):
Could be hard.

Speaker 4 (31:25):
So I think there's one hundred and ten things that
can affect sex, you know. And I think it's also
like something that I've had to learn is that like
it's not gonna be mind blowing every single time, Like
that's just kind of like not realistic.

Speaker 1 (31:39):
There are times where it's like.

Speaker 4 (31:41):
So amazing and you're like that was amazing, and then
there's sometimes they're living on like at each other, we're
like what is like?

Speaker 5 (31:48):
You know, I do think that I've really learned from
myself that I'm like talking through it and like not
just consent, but like going beyond that of like, hey,
i think I'm at an age where like if someone
kind of have the conversation with me of like, hey,
what you like?

Speaker 1 (32:00):
What do you not like?

Speaker 5 (32:01):
Yeah, then I'm not interested in having sex with you,
but like really having thoroughly talked through of like yeah,
like I I'm not going to get into details of
other things. Like one of my first like somewhat sexual
experiences was entangled with a lot of fear of It
was the first time that i'd really ever like hooked
up with anyone.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
We were just making out.

Speaker 5 (32:18):
Yeah, the guy started choking me out of nowhere and
right he was a lot taller than me, like had
a lot of mass on me. And it was not
that far into the school year, and I remember thinking like, oh,
this is when I die. I'm about to be murdered
and no offense to this man. He's pretty attractive, but
he also kind of has that like hot serial killer
look he does. And I was like, oh, this is
when I die. Of like that stuff should be like discussed.

(32:40):
There's nothing wrong with it, but it needs to be
done safely. And like I think I've learned that, Like
whoever my next sexual partner is, It's like I want
to have very explicit discussions. Yeah, Olivia and I have
very like what important toss and like what you plan
on doing of Yeah, I will be so much more
comfortable if I know what is happening.

Speaker 1 (32:56):
Yeah, one hundred percent.

Speaker 4 (32:58):
I feel like I mean, I feel like now we've
gotten to a place where, you know, we are both
very simpathico, like we know what each other likes and wants,
and hey can I do like But I feel like
at the beginning, because of like history, yeah, there was
like you know, can I do this?

Speaker 1 (33:17):
Can I do that?

Speaker 4 (33:17):
Like, you know, there was a lot of conversations about it.
I remember, like, you know, because I think something that
I struggled with in my last relationship with sexual autonomy,
So the yes or no of it all, I felt
like I've always had to do it, and so there
was a period of time like where I would just
say like no all the time because I feel like
I swung the pendulum and then I had to come

(33:38):
back in the center. So yeah, I definitely think with
like a partner, and when you're exploring sex, there's so
many different phases, right you ebb and flow and and everything.
And now I feel like four years into my relationship,
I've become very secure in the fact of like, okay
things ebb and flow, there's highs, there's lows, there's in betweens,
but you're gonna be okay. Oh well, and when you

(33:59):
do up sex again and like we can't let's talk
about it, like whether it's a blowjob or whatever, Like
I'm not good at blowjobs, so we got.

Speaker 1 (34:06):
To get stuff over here.

Speaker 4 (34:07):
I feel like she would give a great tutory the
number of times in college wore would be like, guys,
can you just walk me through a blow job? Literally? No,
I like.

Speaker 1 (34:17):
A lesbian who can talk me through eating a pussy.

Speaker 4 (34:20):
Yeah. I'm so happy that I don't have to give
blow jobs anymore because I hated them too the job.

Speaker 5 (34:25):
I didn't like giving them and I was bad at
them again the like maybe two and a half times
I gave.

Speaker 4 (34:30):
Them, Yeah, I just didn't. I just didn't like them.

Speaker 1 (34:33):
So yeah, okay, we're gonna move on to the act.
But that was a good talk.

Speaker 4 (34:39):
I mean, I think talking about sex is so interesting
and I don't. And actually, let's bring it back to gayness.
I was telling Olivia the other day because I had
mentioned to Liz something about like Olivia, I sex life,
and I think, like when I was in high school,
and I get it again, hormones. Like my friends and
I used to talk about our sex lives all the time,
and I feel like since being in my relationship with Olivia,

(35:00):
I really don't talk about my sex life as much
in detail with my friends because a part of me
doesn't know how to, Like a part of me is
like nervous and afraid and like, oh is this weird?
And and and also that's like my own internalized homophobia
for myself. But it's definitely something that like I was like, oh,
like I need to start like being able to like

(35:22):
express this because like I would tell a friend if
a guy did this to me or said this, but
like if Olivia says it, it's like this whole other
roadblock in my head. So bringing back to gayness gay gay,
So have did you ever take an are you gay? Quiz? Yes?

Speaker 5 (35:41):
But I think once I already knew I was gay,
it was like we would take the Kinley scale and
I almost always would get like a straight three right
in the middle. But I don't think I ever took
one to actually figure out if I was gay. I
feel like maybe sometimes in high school when I was
like I already kind of knew I was, but like
that sort of self doubt would creep in.

Speaker 4 (35:57):
Yeah, see, I don't. I don't even know if it
was self out for me. I think it was like
me trying to like make myself straight. Like I was like,
let me take these quizzes and like whatever.

Speaker 5 (36:05):
I think I felt I had to prove that I
wasn't straight, when regardless, all I need to prove it
I'm not straight is the fact that I would like
to kiss women. I would like to kiss women on
the record. Fully, Okay, this one's interesting. I'm not gonna
do this one.

Speaker 4 (36:24):
Sorry, you guys, I'm looking at So we are gonna
what are we doing? I literally didn't say anything. So
what we're gonna do is we're gonna take some am
I gay quizzes in honor of Pride Month, in honor
of being out and happy and in our queerness discovering it.
But I just thought this would be fun to do
because like as a kid, I did this.

Speaker 5 (36:44):
This is a BuzzFeed quiz. This checklist will determine your
straight number.

Speaker 4 (36:49):
Oh oh that's what that one is. Okay, Yeah, do
you want to read it or you want me to
do I'll read it to you, okay.

Speaker 5 (36:54):
Okay, is your favorite Britney Spears song Toxic, I mean
I like Toxic? Your favorite? No is your favorite? Carly
rage upson song called me maybe?

Speaker 4 (37:03):
Yes?

Speaker 5 (37:04):
Yeah, he called me maybe the only Curly rage upson
song you know at all?

Speaker 4 (37:08):
Yeah? Not for me?

Speaker 5 (37:09):
Okay, for me. It'll lose your mind when they play
shut Up and Dance at weddings.

Speaker 4 (37:13):
Oh, shut up and dance with me. I've never been
to a wedding. Fun fact, I'm gonna say yes.

Speaker 5 (37:18):
Okay, is perfect by Ed Sheering, the perfect first dance
song in the wedding.

Speaker 1 (37:23):
I found love? No is that it don't? I don't
think that is it?

Speaker 5 (37:27):
No?

Speaker 1 (37:28):
It's Do you like Ed Sheering?

Speaker 4 (37:30):
No? Not? I mean he's okay?

Speaker 5 (37:32):
No?

Speaker 4 (37:32):
Actually yeah, i'd like it. What am I saying? Sorry?

Speaker 1 (37:35):
I had no idea who Little Mixes? I know who
Little Mixing? I don't know who. I mean, I know
I know queer people talk about Little mix but you
don't know who Little Mixes.

Speaker 2 (37:42):
No.

Speaker 4 (37:42):
I like know them, but I don't know their music.

Speaker 1 (37:44):
Okay, you definitely know some of it. Oh do you
love Giant Jenga?

Speaker 4 (37:48):
I don't really play Giant jang On that.

Speaker 5 (37:50):
I'm gonna say yes. Have you not posted a new
Instagram picture in every year? I know that's a lie
for both of us.

Speaker 4 (37:55):
That's a lie. You know we post on.

Speaker 5 (37:56):
Do you have empty liquor bottles on top of your cabinets?
Not anymore in college?

Speaker 4 (38:02):
Oh my god, I do.

Speaker 5 (38:03):
Think this might be for men, but I want to
continue anyway.

Speaker 1 (38:08):
Do you wear underwear underboard shorts? No?

Speaker 5 (38:11):
No, but I do wear underwear, Like do you own
anything with Grumpy Cat on it?

Speaker 4 (38:17):
I don't know who the fuck Grumpy Cat is.

Speaker 1 (38:18):
Do you say love winds love winds?

Speaker 4 (38:22):
Yeah? Sure.

Speaker 1 (38:24):
Do you have inspirational quotes like live laugh love in
your house?

Speaker 5 (38:27):
No?

Speaker 1 (38:28):
Do you call your friends the boys, the boys, the girls?

Speaker 4 (38:33):
No?

Speaker 5 (38:33):
I guess not to use the word buddy to refer
to your friends body buddy, the elth No, I don't
go my friend's buddy. Do you refer to your individual
friends as my man? Do you refer to babies as
little man or little bud?

Speaker 4 (38:47):
Oh? My god?

Speaker 5 (38:48):
They are literally like this is so open a bottle
with a lighter. Do you love Saint Patrick's Day? Have
you ever experienced in Santa Con? Participated in San Kon?

Speaker 4 (38:58):
I've participated in Santa Con and I've participated in St
Patrick days.

Speaker 5 (39:02):
Own an acoustic dakar. I do guitar. Look, neither of
us can speak. Have you ever brought out your acoustic
guitar at parties? No?

Speaker 1 (39:09):
Because I'm bad at this? Is that a strake I
think to do?

Speaker 5 (39:12):
Like?

Speaker 1 (39:13):
Have you never experienced that?

Speaker 4 (39:15):
No?

Speaker 1 (39:16):
Awful, It's awful and it's horrible.

Speaker 4 (39:19):
Oh my god, why would they bring out their guitar
to like impress women? Yeah, show up.

Speaker 5 (39:24):
I'm probably not going to do the rest of this
because this clearly is for men. Menk is your hand
down your pants right now? Have you ever sung mister
Brightside at karaoke?

Speaker 4 (39:35):
Oh, mister bright Do you like.

Speaker 1 (39:38):
Hot coffee more than ice coffee?

Speaker 4 (39:40):
I like hot coffee.

Speaker 5 (39:41):
That's a sin. I only drink ice coffee. I don't
care how cold it is.

Speaker 4 (39:46):
I like ice finilla lattes, But like in the morning,
I love a hot coffee.

Speaker 1 (39:49):
When you hear the word poppers, do you think of
the food?

Speaker 5 (39:54):
No? I don't, especially a musical theater kid. Oh my god,
do you still like justin Timberlake?

Speaker 4 (40:01):
Not really?

Speaker 5 (40:03):
I don't really love this quiz, but it there was
There was an occasional funny moment.

Speaker 1 (40:08):
Yeah, that was an interesting quiz.

Speaker 4 (40:09):
I feel like I'm trying to figure out like what
they were like back in the day. Okay, let's start
this quiz. Okay, have you ever had oh no, no, no,
have you ever had feelings for a same gender close friend?
I have?

Speaker 5 (40:27):
Probably I'd say, like, I really do the thing where
I like my I've realized that friendships are way more
important to me than romantic relationship at this point, Like,
there are plenty of people who like they be like
even with like coworkers I've had previously, of like, they
become really important to me and I care about them,
and like I think they're really awesome and I think
they're really cute and hot. But like, I value our
friendship more than I value the idea of making a move,

(40:49):
Like I really the circumstances.

Speaker 4 (40:52):
Friends that you think are attractive. Okay, I'm gonna read
you guys the yes answer. I think, so that's why
I'm taking this quiz. Incredible And then then wait, what's
the difference between friendship and a crush?

Speaker 1 (41:07):
Like, honestly, that was the thing for me is like
I can't tell the difference.

Speaker 4 (41:10):
Okay, do you want me to let's do that one.
Let's do that. Okay. Have you ever kissed someone or
wanted to kiss someone of the same gender?

Speaker 1 (41:19):
Yes, definitely. It was great.

Speaker 4 (41:23):
These are so high school because it's I feel like
it is geared towards younger people that are trying to
figure out, like is this me?

Speaker 5 (41:34):
Like?

Speaker 4 (41:34):
What are these thoughts I'm having? Okay, how how do
you feel about queer characters and TV shows or movies?
Love them?

Speaker 1 (41:41):
They're the best.

Speaker 4 (41:42):
Okay, wait, let's oh, I've totally watched shows just for
the queer ships and storyline. This one says, okay, and
this answer says I kind of feel like I can
identify with queer characters. Should you put that?

Speaker 1 (41:59):
Say?

Speaker 4 (42:00):
Okay?

Speaker 1 (42:01):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (42:01):
Wait?

Speaker 1 (42:01):
You know what queer character really quickly?

Speaker 4 (42:03):
The one that I don't think I had a crush
on her, but the one that made me feel seen
the most when I was a kid was Emily from
Pretty Little Liars.

Speaker 1 (42:11):
I never watched a Pretty Little Liar.

Speaker 4 (42:12):
It was Shane Mitchell's character, and I feel like it
made such an impact because she wasn't necessarily super fan,
but she definitely was more girly and she was on
this show and Friends with like other girly girls, and
like she was hiding her sexuality for a bit, and
so I really resonated with her character.

Speaker 5 (42:30):
Do you know who I really wanted to be in
fifth grade? And I own both of her books, even
though you know she's not a great person.

Speaker 1 (42:36):
But I bought these books before we kind of really
found that out. Liama Michelle.

Speaker 5 (42:39):
I wanted to be Liam. I wanted to be Rachel
fucking Barry. More specifically, I wanted to be Lia Michelle,
which Peter Kid did not want to be Liam Michelle.
But like I got bangs because she got bangs. I
mean that was one hundredths of the reason, but that
was a lot of it.

Speaker 4 (42:53):
You know who I'm having that current thought with is
Sabrina Carpenter. I'm like, do I find you attractive or
do I want to be? Yeah?

Speaker 5 (42:59):
Yeah, that that is the thing I struggle with a lot.
It's like do I want to be or do I
want to fuck you?

Speaker 1 (43:03):
Like I'm gonna be honest.

Speaker 5 (43:04):
That people who really make that a fight for me,
people with red hair like Chapel Row And it's like,
oh God, do I want to be you or do
I want to kiss your face?

Speaker 1 (43:12):
Real bad? Yeah, I said that in a weird way.

Speaker 4 (43:15):
Real bad.

Speaker 1 (43:15):
Oh all kiss your face, real bad.

Speaker 4 (43:17):
Okay, when someone asks you who you're crushing on, you
say any Oh my god.

Speaker 5 (43:24):
I remember going to Wannahill summer theater program and everyone
had to like we were doing like girl crushes or whatever,
and I felt so awkward because it was mostly these
straight women doing like the like typical idea of like
a girl crush, and like here was a little fucking
gay ass me and I was just like all I
could think of was really sexy woman. And I was like,
Oh no, that's definitely not the answer we're meant to give.

(43:44):
That's not the answer we're meant to give. Think of
someone fucking normal. And I think I just copied someone
else's answer.

Speaker 4 (43:48):
That is so true. When I remember in high school
when friends would be like, oh my god, she's my
girl crush, I would internally freak out because no one
knew that I had had like years.

Speaker 5 (43:59):
Of experiences by the time I got to like last
two years of high school. When people would say it,
I'm still out. It fucking pisses me off. What the
fuck do you mean girl crush? Either have a crush
or don't a girl you admire, phrase it in a
different way.

Speaker 1 (44:10):
That's a dumb one. It like, it's like, how it
really fucking pisses me off.

Speaker 5 (44:13):
How like straight women will refer to their like female
friends as girlfriends.

Speaker 1 (44:17):
Yeah, stop call them your friends.

Speaker 5 (44:19):
There's never been an instance where it is relevant to
the conversation that they're girls. If you want, come up
with a different word, but that word already has a meaning,
and it confuses me. I then can't tell if you're gay,
and then it pisses me off when I realize, like, no,
you're not.

Speaker 4 (44:31):
And I think another thing that I don't love when
straight people say is like, oh my god, like I
just wish I could like be gay, Like I wish
I could like girls. And I'm just like like, like,
I do feel bad for you because I do think
men are not like or at least the men that
I've encountered. And look, I've been in a queer relationship
for four years, so I bet there are men that

(44:52):
are emotionally mature. But like, I am just like totally
sure that like I could never have the same relationship
I have with my non binary partner with like assist man,
Like I am so sorry but like.

Speaker 5 (45:04):
Being with like another woman or being in a queer
relationship has it's like own set of battles, and you're saying,
like I wish I could be gay, Like I just
don't say it, like maybe some people are okay with it,
and I'm fine with it most of the time when
people say it, but like it's a dumb honestly, a
little bit of an ignorant fucking take.

Speaker 4 (45:18):
Yeah, yeah, no, I'm like, uh like no, it kind
of rubs me the wrong way.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
Sarah and Audrey hate on straight people.

Speaker 4 (45:26):
Okay, when someone asks you who you're crushing on, a
name comes to mind, ally Beardsley. Oh okay, well then
is that a woman?

Speaker 5 (45:33):
Uh?

Speaker 1 (45:34):
They them?

Speaker 4 (45:34):
Okay, okay, son, a name comes to mind, and it's
someone of the same gender.

Speaker 1 (45:38):
This see, guys, this is.

Speaker 4 (45:42):
Okay. This has to have been from like years ago,
because I feel like it's not very like gender inclusive.

Speaker 1 (45:46):
So we're gonna say the.

Speaker 4 (45:47):
Name of the same gender comes to mind. Has anyone
ever asked you if you were gay?

Speaker 5 (45:54):
No, to a point where like, uh so, there was
an instance in high school where like, if you were
on the leadership, you would get to school a bit
early and set things up. And our high school had
like a pool that like, honestly, by the time I graduate,
was in like horrible condition and they had just fully
shut down, but the leadership team would be able to
see it. Go hang out at the pool a little
bit before the school year started, and I left my

(46:14):
phone there by accident, and there was a lifeguard who
was there who was like a teenage boy about our age,
and I'd left my phone, went got it later, we
turned my phone back on and he my phone had died,
so he went and charged my phone and took a
photo like of his name and number so that I
would find it in my phone. And I honestly found
that a little creepy that he had gone and charged
my phone and done that, And I didn't love it.

(46:35):
And so I was talking with a group of people
and like some were closer friends of mine, some were not.
And one of my friends volunteered to be like, oh,
next time we go to the pool, I can pretend
to be your girlfriend so that he'll leave you alone.
And a girl in the circle who lived in my
dorm but like I didn't know very well, like just
laughed like scoffed and went like, oh, you're not believably guy.
He wouldn't leave you alone after that, And like I

(46:57):
already was like not super loudly, Like by the time
I got college was really loud about being queer, but
I wasn't very loud about it. But like I was
already somewhat out and that felt horrible. And it's something
that like I feel totally fine about it and don't
care about now, but like for years made me feel
so fucking insecure.

Speaker 4 (47:14):
Yeah, because it was undermining your identity and who you are.
No one has ever asked me if I was gay. Actually,
when I told my friends, they were shocked. Like, and
it's interesting because the friend that I was in a
relationship behind closed story was with people asked her all
the time, assumed all the time, really, but no, never,

(47:36):
like it was a shock for people. Yeah, so what
should we say. We'll say I've been asked once or twice. Yeah,
that's what we'll go with. Okay, when you imagine being
in a relationship, what do you picture. I can only
see myself with someone of the same sex. I'm not
sure any gender seems okay, I'll probably be with someone

(47:57):
of the opposite sex. I can only see myself with
someone of the opposite sex. I feel like the I'm
not sure any gender seems okay because that feels more inclusive.
You know what's interesting, you guys. And I think about
this a lot. When I was younger and I was
in that relationship with that friend, I thought like I
remember thinking to myself, I was like, oh, like could
I marry this person? And I was like yeah, Like

(48:19):
I was like, you know, like obviously was I was
so young.

Speaker 1 (48:22):
I was telve er, I was like thirteen, But I was.

Speaker 4 (48:24):
Like, like I envisioned us like getting married and things
like that, which was very interesting. And I think telling
like as a twenty six year old now, like knowing
that I thought about that and I was okay with
that version of my life so little.

Speaker 5 (48:39):
I think I read as really gay when I was younger,
Like I mean, I read as most for most of
my childhood up sort of till like middle schoolish, most
people read the way I look as like I looked
like a young boy.

Speaker 1 (48:50):
For a lot of my life.

Speaker 5 (48:51):
I had really short hair, I wore those fucking like
plaid but like multi stitch of different squares of different
fucking plaid shorts and like a green monster, which is
like a reference to the Red Sox team T shirt.

Speaker 1 (49:04):
And that was what I wore.

Speaker 5 (49:05):
And I had a little fucking like just not even
like Peter Pan like as in like the like women's haircut.
I was put loosely in quotations, just straight up had
a boys haircut. Yeah, and I never wore a shirt.

Speaker 4 (49:16):
I've always been a girly girl, still am. But yeah,
I feel like everybody, yeah again like expresses their gender
how they feel and want. But yeah, I'd never been
like growing up, I'd never been like a tomboy. And
that's what this friend had always been, like defined as
like a tomboy because she played a lot of sports,
she dressed a little bit more masculine and things like that.

Speaker 5 (49:36):
I definitely I feel like was a tomboy until like
kind of leading up into middle school. Yeah, I mean
like with high school like doing like theater and being
like a music theater program, Like there was a level
of like gender that was so performative, Like I was
always in makeup, always very dressed up. Yeah, and then
like I eventually learned like, oh people treat me better
and see me nicer. The the better that I like

(49:58):
dress and do makeup and hair and everything, and that
there was a degree in which, like particularly like for
auditioning and everything, it began to feel like a real
performance that I learned how.

Speaker 1 (50:07):
To do over time.

Speaker 4 (50:08):
And you know what's interesting now, like looking at the
younger grades at Elon or like just like the new
generation of people, there's so much so many more queer women, Yes,
so much more.

Speaker 5 (50:18):
That's what's crazy for me, is like even where I
went that was like an arts high school of like
there very much were queer women, but it was very underground,
like it was not publicly like there was even people
like after the fact that I found out about or
like a thing at Elon was I would know about
a lot of the gay people because they would come
out to me and talk to me about it because
I was so fucking loud about it. That there was
like a lot more queer women than you would think, right,

(50:41):
just women.

Speaker 1 (50:42):
Were expected, yeah, to be very quiet about it.

Speaker 5 (50:44):
And I very much experienced like not me personally, but
with my friends at Walma Hill of like there was
plenty of women who were very comfortable with the gay
men and had no issue with that, right, Like I
had queer female friends who would not come out to
all of their friends because those friends would have a
fucking problem it.

Speaker 4 (51:00):
Yeah, I think it felt scary to me. It was like, oh,
well they see me differently, will they treat me differently?
And I think now I think a lot more people
in general are like bisexual, are willing to experiment, and
so I think it's not as scary to come out
because there's so many people, whether it's like you know,
I've experimented and I've chosen like, hey, this is who

(51:21):
I am, and I'm street, or I'm I sexual, or
I'm fully lesbian or gay or whatever. I just think
there's so much more of that nowadays.

Speaker 1 (51:28):
Well, I mean, like even think back to like Pitch Perfect.

Speaker 5 (51:31):
One of the characters in it, like the only queer
character was like a predatory lesbian.

Speaker 1 (51:35):
Sure, yeah, there was very much still that cliche.

Speaker 4 (51:37):
Yeah. How would you feel about identifying as guy already? Do? Yeah?
That feels right.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
Have you ever felt attracted to someone of the same gender?

Speaker 5 (51:49):
Ye?

Speaker 1 (51:49):
Yes, Oxford. How do you feel about dating someone of
the opposite gender? Good?

Speaker 4 (51:59):
Period? Do you ever fantasize about being with someone of
the same gender? Yeah? Yeah, when you imagine kissing or
being intimate with a future partner, How do you feel?

Speaker 1 (52:12):
Honestly, within my head, I see just like a shapeless blob.

Speaker 4 (52:16):
As long as I'm with someone I really like.

Speaker 1 (52:18):
That sounds great.

Speaker 4 (52:19):
Yes, period, that's what it says. I'm like rushing us
through this, you guys, because we gotta we gotta end
this up, End this up, wrap this up. If you
scroll through your feed or fyp, do you see content
creators from from queer creators? Do you see content from
honest That was the thing that TikTok figured out about
me the absolute fastest.

Speaker 5 (52:37):
When I downloaded that app. Immediately I got gay women
and I was like, am I a lot gayer than
I thought? Still having fully come to an answer to that, maybe.

Speaker 4 (52:45):
Would you feel comfortable using an LGBTQ dating app? Again,
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (52:50):
There are ones for women, but none of them are
super popular. I feel like, maybe I'm maybe we should
make one.

Speaker 4 (53:00):
Don't steal our idea, are you?

Speaker 5 (53:02):
I don't think we get to claim that idea.

Speaker 4 (53:05):
Are there a lot of LGBTQ individuals in your friend group?

Speaker 1 (53:10):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (53:12):
In fact, I have one friend who like it was
an incidence where there was a bunch of us and
I called her the token straight and she didn't love that.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
That's fair, but I thought it was very funny.

Speaker 4 (53:24):
I love this final question, What inspired you to take
this quiz this podcast? The answers are, I think I
may be gay, but I wanted some extra validation. I
identify with aspects of the queer experience, but I'm not
sure where I stand. I'm just curious about the results

(53:46):
I'll get. I want to confirm that I'm heterosexual.

Speaker 5 (53:49):
But like what I would say tricking about these quizzes
is like you can just give the answers that you
want to hear, like that's that's what Like, you can
just give the answer that you know will give the
answer or that you want.

Speaker 1 (54:02):
You guys want to know our score.

Speaker 5 (54:03):
Yeah, you might be gay, only might only after all
that were only maybe gay.

Speaker 4 (54:09):
It looks like you sorry, it looks like you relate
to a lot of common experiences for queer people, and
there as they're oh my.

Speaker 1 (54:18):
God, I'm so sorry you guys. I can't speak.

Speaker 4 (54:20):
Common experiences for queer people as they're figuring out their sexuality.
It's normal for young queer people to feel that their
experiences differ from the experiences of the people around them
without knowing why or being able to name the process
known as questioning one sexuality.

Speaker 5 (54:34):
That was something that I very much experienced in middle
school as I was like, something feels different for me
and I'm not quite sure where it was, and I
kind of figured it out at the end of middle school.

Speaker 1 (54:42):
Off there was a girl who we had a weird tension.

Speaker 5 (54:45):
Honestly, we were kind of in a not actually, but
from my point of view, it was a weird sort
of threutfle we had.

Speaker 1 (54:51):
Going on in a weird way.

Speaker 4 (54:52):
Yeah, it definitely looks like this is aimed at like
younger people because it says it mentions young age so
much and then when But I do think is great
and this is on winky Wiki how they like name
some online communities the Trevor Space finding an LGBTQ friendly
therapist calling an LGBTQ hotline, which I think is great.

Speaker 1 (55:12):
Did you ever take the Kinsley scale test? No, we
talked about this. Yeah, this is a different one.

Speaker 5 (55:18):
That was the Rice purity test, which maybe we'll take
it another point. The Kinsley was like one out of
six of like gay or straight. And I remember like
being so proud of that I got exactly on the
dot of a three.

Speaker 4 (55:28):
Period, and that is bisexuality. It's real, don't erase it.

Speaker 1 (55:33):
It's here.

Speaker 5 (55:34):
I think people are hot, and the fact that other
people don't that seems so silly to me. Like, to
be honest, I think that was the major thing that
held me back from figuring out that I was like, bye,
queer whatever. Was the fact that I was just like, yeah,
people are hot, right, And I thought everyone thought that
because people are hot, right, And why do you have
to put a label on it if you don't want to?

Speaker 4 (55:54):
Your label is I think people are hot exactly. All right, guys,
we need to wrap this episode up before for this
stops recording us. So thank you guys so much for listening.
Happy Pride month. We really hope to make this space,
you know, a space for are you gay, LGBTQ P people?

Speaker 5 (56:11):
That's okay too, Sorry that we were a little bit
of a haters on straight people today.

Speaker 1 (56:15):
Yes, no, you straight people, aren't you?

Speaker 4 (56:17):
Totally no, But I think one of the intentions we
had when we made this podcast was just feeling like
we wanted to see, yeah, more representation of like queer
people just like talking about life and like their queerness
Like yes it can be, you know, especially brought out
like during moments, but like it doesn't.

Speaker 5 (56:32):
Need to be like something woven into the tapestry of
your life period.

Speaker 4 (56:37):
So thank you guys for listening. If you want to
follow us on social media, we would absolutely love that.
You can follow us on Instagram at completely fucking clueless and.

Speaker 1 (56:44):
On TikTok and YouTube. I completely fcky I m G clueless. Period.

Speaker 4 (56:48):
Please do not forget to rate, review, subscribe, especially if
you're straight and it's Pride month, like it's homophobic. It
is do homophobic if if you haven't.

Speaker 5 (56:57):
Liked or up voted or whatever the fucking thing on Spotify,
your Apple podcast is to this podcast and you're straight,
you're not an ally.

Speaker 4 (57:06):
It's not giving allen energy. So please give us all.

Speaker 1 (57:09):
Energy or support your fellow queer people because.

Speaker 4 (57:13):
We love emo.

Speaker 1 (57:14):
Your gay friend a dollar.

Speaker 4 (57:15):
Literally and put because it's Pride month. All right, you guy,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, have an amazing Tuesday, have an
amazing week, and do not forget to be motherfucking clueless.
It's right, I was gone way.

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