ep.110: dealing with fam in ur twenties

Struggling with your familial relationships post-grad? Us too! On this week’s episode, Sarah and Audrey discuss how their family relationships have changed since graduating college. They chat about becoming financially independent, making choices their parents do not agree with, and how to navigate your job becoming the definer of your success in your twenties. They also chat about their most recent clueless moments involving stoves, pimple patches, smoke detectors, and more! So, grab a seat and come be clueless with us! If you are loving CFC, remember to rate, review, subscribe, and follow! Follow us on our social media pages! IG: https://www.instagram.com/completelyfuckingclueless/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@completelyfckingclueless Sarah IG/TT: @sarahaliceliddy Audrey IG: @a.j.flowers Audrey TT: audrey.j.flowers

Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (01:08):
Hi there, ladies and John, So, welcome back to another
episode of Completely Fucking Clueless. My name is are Jane Flower.

Speaker 5 (01:13):
And my name is Sarah Alice Sliddy, and we're in
Audrey's new apartment.

Speaker 1 (01:17):
I know it probably doesn't actually look that different.

Speaker 5 (01:19):
I know. I was like just looking in the little
view finder for the camera, y'all, and I was like, wait,
we kind of look like we're in the same.

Speaker 1 (01:26):
The only difference is now you can't see the orange lamp.
There's a wall here instead the orange lamp is there. Yes,
my plant hanger used to be there. My plant thingy
isn't here yet. The orange, the pink basketball, I don't
know where it's gonna be, probably not with that frame alas.
There will eventually be art here. Really need art, but
that's really low priority.

Speaker 5 (01:44):
I always feel like that is the hardest thing to
figure out, is like art for the walls, which you
want to put there.

Speaker 1 (01:51):
It feels the most like a commitment because like furniture,
I can move around, but like once I put nails
in the wall, like, oh God, I'm not gonna deal
with filling in holes, yeah, until I am days before
moving out.

Speaker 5 (02:02):
You know, what's interesting to me is something that I
was never as a kid. So I'm curious your take
on this. But my roommate Liz has rearranged her room
I think three or four times since we've moved into
our apartment like eight months ago.

Speaker 1 (02:14):
What's strange is when I went to boarding school, I
would really often, like I would rearrange it multiple times
throughout the year, and like there was really limited arrangements
you could do. You were in a pretty small room, yeah,
not very much furniture, Like, there wasn't a lot of
moving to do, but I would do that really regularly.
But in college, no, I think the only time I
rearranged my room was between sophomore and junior year. We

(02:34):
stayed in the same apartment technically, but we had to
pack up and move out almost everything because they were
redoing the apartment in between, and part of that was
we got full beds. So I did change the arrangement
that I had, and then senior year stayed exactly the
same in my old apartment. I mean, there wasn't really
my previous apartment, it was really obvious where everything lent. Sure,

(02:55):
I've moved a couple things around since getting here, but
I don't really think anything major more as good to move.
I just feel like I really love moving things around, rearranging,
But I've been in spaces now mostly where it's like, hey,
there's one option that makes sense.

Speaker 5 (03:08):
Sure, I know. It was just so interesting to me
because Liz was like, Yeah, I was the type of
kid that, like, when I got sent to my room
or was bored, like I would just rearrange my room.

Speaker 1 (03:18):
Oh, I switched my Like I had a twin bed
for most of my childhood, and I would like I
would move it all around. And then I one time
fully like switched it up so that, like my how
I would sleep, my head wasn't against the wall, you
know the way that would make sense. Yeah, I put
a bookcase behind it, you know, a thing that isn't
that sturdy, and I would sleep that way, like just
fucking around with it.

Speaker 5 (03:38):
Yeah. I was never that kid, and I'm still not
that person. Like I still have like a lot of
the same furniture as I did when we were in college.
Never really rearranged in college However, I've been sort of
debating rearranging my bedroom, but like a part of me
feels like it's wrong because I really don't want my
headboard to be on the scene like wall as like

(04:00):
the door. It's just like the function way, like the openness.
It doesn't feel right. But so it's summertime in the city, y'all,
and we are now having to put like acs into
our wall.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
I owned wall into our wall, into our wall into
where wenew. I currently only have an AC unit in
the main area because the other one keeps getting delayed,
which was really annoying because it was supposed to be
here at the same time. So I was supposed to
only pay once to get them installed, and.

Speaker 5 (04:28):
To get them installed that should that should be illegal.
That should be illegal.

Speaker 1 (04:32):
That's I'm mad at you, Amazon. But so I really
keep the door closed to my bedroom because otherwise the
bedroom is what gets the most light now, which is
a weird uner reverse for me, because it used to
be like not that this living space doesn't get any light.
I mean, right now, there's one lamp going in here
and I fucked up, and our lights aren't here, so
this is all natural light that we have going on
right now, But I was really used to the flip

(04:55):
flop of that. So now I keep that door closed
because that room gets hot with the sun and I
don't have an AC unit, So when where I go
in there to do my makeup. When I did my
makeup earlier, I was like, we gotta rush. All of
my products are like melted. I was like, we gotta go.
This is too hot.

Speaker 5 (05:06):
I know, I feel you. I and basically my AC unit,
like the window that is in is like opposite like
where I sleep, Like it's almost like hating my face,
and so you know, that's just like not good for you. You
wake up and you're just like feeling like.

Speaker 1 (05:25):
So sounds it was amazing, you guys.

Speaker 5 (05:28):
We just had a very deja vous moment. Our batteries
died on our.

Speaker 1 (05:32):
G age six.

Speaker 5 (05:36):
Well, why can't I get the right name out to either?

Speaker 1 (05:38):
I called it an H four. I don't know four,
I don't know want to.

Speaker 5 (05:41):
So much equipment. Anyways, we had to stop recording for
a second, go to the store get some batteries. But
it feels reminiscent of the first episode that we recorded
in Audrey's old apartment.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
No character development or personal growth has been had since
we started this podcast, only I still can't remember batteries,
my we I mean, this is fully on me.

Speaker 5 (05:58):
Oh that's okay, that's okay. I kind of forget where
we were taught what we were talking about, y'all. I
think we were talking about like ac blowing at our
faces and rearranging rooms. But we're gonna move on. Yeah,
moving on time, We're gonna move on. I'm gonna look
at my notes really quickly. I should have brought this
up before. Oh okay, so do you have clues moment?
I do have a clueless moment. That's what I was
gonna lead into mosing clueless moment of the week. Boom. Okay,

(06:21):
so my clueless moment of the week. And I can't
believe that I don't know this, like as a woman,
And I'm curious if you know this. You aren't supposed
to flush your tampon. Yeah, no, you're not supposed to
like the actual thing that comes out of you. Huha.

Speaker 1 (06:34):
My mom had told me, like like basically in public
toilets and sometimes just let it happen, like and I'm
not gonna go fish it out if it happens. But no, yeah,
it's very bad for and like like flushable wipes, those
are very bad. You should not. Flushable wipes should not.

Speaker 5 (06:50):
I've never flushed wipes, whether they are flushable or not.

Speaker 1 (06:54):
But nothing but toilet paper. Toilet paper is really designed.
You know how toilet paper the moment gets wet, just
really falls apart. Yeah, yeah, that's a that's a pro.
It's meant to do that, okay, because yes it will
break up.

Speaker 5 (07:04):
Sure, I'm just like, holy shit, I have never thrown
away my tampon.

Speaker 1 (07:09):
I still do it sometimes.

Speaker 5 (07:12):
I just had no idea. I was listening to another
podcast and they started talking about how like because similarly,
when I saw those signs like in the bathroom that
says like no feminine products, I was like, what idiot
is like taking their applicator, oh and putting it in
the toilet? Like that's what I thought that they met
was like people are just like taking like the rapper
or the applicator and they're putting it in the toilet.

Speaker 1 (07:34):
No, they mean the tampon.

Speaker 5 (07:36):
I am shook it f you guys, like I I
still haven't done it. Since figuring out this information, well,
I don't think I had my period at when I
found this information out. But it was just like such
a moment where I was like, holy shit, I've been
doing this wrong my entire sity.

Speaker 1 (07:49):
I felt the opposite. I like I had been told like, really,
don't put them down. So then the one time we're
like I forget this was when I was younger, Like
there's some situation where like there wasn't another option. My
Mom's like, just flush it, and I was like, we
can do that.

Speaker 5 (08:01):
Yeah, I thought the toilet would just explode. Oh my gosh. Yeah,
my mom never taught me that. And I had like
a very specific Birds and the Bees talk with my
mom where she had no talk ever. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 (08:11):
When I got my period, I went into the bathroom,
put in a tampon, told no one shut up.

Speaker 5 (08:16):
That is so brave one of it.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
Yeah, I can't believe I did that. Concerning like how
much of like I honestly minor hypochondriac I was as
a kid. Yeah, the fact that I just we were
on a skiing trip. It was when I was in
like fifth grade. We were up there with another family.
I just went and put in tampon, told no one.

Speaker 5 (08:33):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (08:33):
I was the first one of my friends to get it.

Speaker 5 (08:35):
Wow. Okay. Similarly, I was one of the first of
my friends to get it. And I believe it was
the summer going into seventh grade or going into sixth grade,
I don't remember. And I was at a friend's house.
I wasn't even with my mom, and I went to
the toilet and there was blood brown stuff all over
my underwear. And I don't remember how like this happened,

(08:55):
but I think I ended up telling my friend. She
told her mom, and her mom came in the bathroom
with me and helped me put a tampon it.

Speaker 1 (09:01):
I helped multiple friends put in tampons. Yeah, because we were.

Speaker 5 (09:03):
Going swimming that day, like we were on summer vacation
and I didn't know and she and like she did
it for me, and I like that was like, that's
such a nice mom moment, but like of like and
she wasn't even my mom, But yeah, I've never known this.
And my mom gave me the Birds and the Bees talk,
and one of the things she had told me was like, oh,
if you have your period, like you can like make
a pad out of toilet paper. But there was never

(09:24):
a discussion about not throwing away tampon.

Speaker 1 (09:26):
We never had a birds in the bees, and I,
like I truly am kind of shocked that we never did.
Like I don't remember not knowing what sex was, like
we never asked about it growing up. Yeah, Like I
don't remember not knowing. I know, I don't know if
that's from the older siblings or from Like I took
the bus at a young age, And by that, I
mean like I took the bus before the bus would
go to my school. Like I loved the bus so
much and I was so jealous and my sister taking

(09:46):
the bus, Like it did a little loop by, just
like the way that our area was set up, like
you would have to loop back around. So I'd get
on at the start of the loop. The bus driver Howie,
would let me ride for like the five to ten
minutes would be through the loop, and then I would
get back off. My mom would drive me pre.

Speaker 5 (10:00):
K shout out, Howie, that's so I loved the bus.

Speaker 1 (10:03):
That is so cool. I would fall asleep on that bus,
and then how we would have to double back to
where my stop was because I would wake up after
we passed my stop and I had to go how
I'm sorry, he started because like I was eventually reached
the point where my sister and I were the only
one getting off my stop. That eventually was me only
getting off at my stop. Yeah, and so he would
be like, Olivia, where are.

Speaker 5 (10:24):
You get off the bush? That's so cute. Yeah. I
don't remember how I found out about what sex was,
but I do have a very vivid memory of like
the first time my mom like acknowledged it with me.
We were sitting at the dining room table. I don't
remember what we were doing, but Jamie Lynn Spears from
Zoe one oh one had just gotten pregnant at drama, Yeah,

(10:46):
at like you know, sixteen seventeen, and my mom asked
me if I knew how she got pregnant. And I knew,
but I was too like it shy or embarrassed to
say it. So I told my mom that Jesus put
a baby in her.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
I sipped at the wrong moment. I fully almost spit
that out. Wow Jesus.

Speaker 5 (11:11):
Yeah yeah, so yeah, I expect.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
That answer so hard though. You went, I'm gonna be
I'm gonna I'm a I'm a good child, Jesus put
it in her.

Speaker 5 (11:20):
I'm a good girl. No, I was I think, No,
we were never Christian, we were Catholic. I mean, I
still am Catholic, but I.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
Thought, wait, I thought Catholicism was in Christianity.

Speaker 5 (11:30):
It is. It's like a branch of it. Yeah, guys,
I'm not very religious, but you know, literally I went
to CCD, but my.

Speaker 1 (11:38):
Family stopped going to church after I was no longer
in church choir. They had a great church choir.

Speaker 5 (11:41):
Church choir, church choir, say words, But do you have
a clueless moment of the week?

Speaker 1 (11:47):
I do, and Sarah and I kind of already briefly
discussed it just by sheer coincidence, and I brought up
to her. I was like, this is so funny. I
literally wrote this down as a clueless moment of the week.
Why am I picky for knowing what I want? I
My mom does a thing and a lot of people
in my family do a thing where we'll be talking
about something and I'll say I'm picky about X, Y
and Z, and their immediate response will be, oh, you're

(12:08):
picky about everything, And to the point where I actually
now cut it off because I know it's coming. I
actually I want to rid the word picky from my
fucking vocabulary, and I finally reached a point of being like,
I've gotten called picky so often, and I would agree
absolutely growing up pretty picky. I mean, I wasn't a
picky eater or anything, but I've now started pressing back
on people of like multiple people, like my best friend
and my sister, being like, okay, why am I picky?

(12:29):
Can you please tell me why I am picky? Like
that makes me picky? And the only thing either of
them have come up at least maybe they're trying to
be nice and just don't want to say to my face,
in which case, fucking own up to it, say to
my fucking face, bitch. But the only thing either of
them said is being vegetarian, which, hey, I don't think
that should count as being picky. Veganism, yeah, probably I
would count. I'd say that's fair to strike against me

(12:51):
when I was vegan, but I'm not vegan anymore. And
like my uncle's been on Atkins diet a bunch of times,
which is eating all meat, no one's ever fucking called
him picky? And why am I picky? For knowing what
I like? Like, I like a specific type of cheese,
so does my mom I bought the wrong feta and
she was like, go back to the store and return it.
I refuse to use that feta, and I was like,
this feta is fine. So I don't understand why I'm picky.

(13:12):
And also another layer it is I know that if
I was a fucking man, I would not be called
fucking picky. Yeah, I know what I like, I know
what I don't. I'm fucking decisive. Okay, I'm decisive. I'm
not picky.

Speaker 5 (13:24):
And if I am, tell me, Yeah. I think a
lot of women are deemed as picky. You know, my
mom and I are both deemed like finicky. Like my
dad will use the word finicky a lot, and I think,
you know, sometimes my I love my mother. She will
go overboard with it. She's very picky about her cocktails,
her drinks, and you can tell my parents will send

(13:45):
wine and food back exactly.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
The only time I say anything about food is if
there's meat in it, and I don't meat, and even
then I'm incredibly apologetic.

Speaker 5 (13:54):
Yeah, you know, my Yes, my mom is like very
like similar in that way. Like, and I kind of understand,
especially as you get older, you're paying for things, you know,
and I think to a certain extent, you should speak
up to yourself, like for yourself, excuse me. Like for example,
like there's this whole trope around like women at the
nail salon and.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
Non being like even when it's ugly and not being
able to say anything and being like, oh, yeah, i'm
And I've even seen people with tattoos being like, yeah,
they drew it on me and I was like, oh,
that's wrong and not what I want. But I didn't
want to be rude. And again, it's especially women, because
women are trained to value being polite and not being
rude over their safety preference anything like it's a big
thing of people go and say about like women's safety.

(14:34):
If you do and think you're in a situation that's
weird and there's something suspicious fight that urge to be
polite and not rude, yes, because that is how so
many women like will go and tell stories where they
if they make it to the other side, they're like,
I didn't want to be rude, so I went along
with it, and then they end up getting like kidnapped
or having something horrible happened to them.

Speaker 5 (14:49):
Yeah, one hundred percent. And so I think a lot
of the time I, Oh, I've been thinking a lot
about this like trope of women not like speaking up
at the nail salon, and it's something that I've worked on,
which seems so like silly, but I think it's a
great practice, Like excuse me, it's a great place to practice,

(15:09):
especially because there's a lot of women in the space,
so it's not like you're trying to like fight the
biggest beast, which is like you know, a man or
something or whatever it is, and so like and and
I agree with you. I think a lot of the
time women saying like, oh, hey, like I don't like this,
or hey, like I asked for vanilla in my coffee.
There is no vanilla in this like can you put

(15:31):
Like I literally like made Olivia do it for me
the other week because I was like so nervous to
go back and be like I feel bad, like I
don't want to make this person.

Speaker 1 (15:38):
I don't want to be a bother yeah.

Speaker 5 (15:40):
Which is so silly. And I and look, I think
there is a difference between being like very picky, like
you're constantly like you know, harping on everything, and I
just don't know you as that person, so like, and
I think all kids are picky, Like, let's be motherfucking real.

Speaker 1 (15:57):
Children are exhausting and you know, a little dumb. Their
brains are small and bad and it's not their fault.
They don't know how to do anything right.

Speaker 5 (16:05):
And I feel like, you know, something that I'm learning
as we get older is like children just don't know
how to regulate their emotions the same way that we
do as adults.

Speaker 1 (16:13):
And like there is a level into which, uh, I
find it really frustrating. Of like those things really stick around.
Of like I did tend to be like a more
over dramatic kid. And I don't even mean over dramatic,
Like I had high highs and low lows. Like I
wasn't trying to intentionally be over dramatic. It's just who
I was. I went to a lot of therapy. I
had a lot of problem with anger management. Like regulating
my emotions was really hard. Yeah, but it made it

(16:35):
to a point that like people really stopped believing me
and my emotions. The point of like this was less
with motions but with experiences. I mentioned to my mom
the other day of like, oh, a lot of people
like really enjoy taking ubers in the city. I kind
of don't like it because a lot of the time
it makes me really car sick, Like, especially nowadays that
I'm rarely in cars, my car sicking is a lot
than it used to be. And she was like, since
when you have car sickness? And I was like, I
told you all the time as a kid, I had

(16:55):
car sickness. You guys thought I was just being dramatic.
I did have it. You guys just believe me.

Speaker 5 (17:01):
Yeah. Yeah, And that's that's a really interesting, like whole
discussion around like children and emotions and we don't really
get the education to learn how to regulate our emotions
or we're shut down very early on with our emotions.
So then like, yeah, we do have this thing where
we're like hiding or you know, we go through things
as adults. So I think that's interesting. But yeah, I

(17:24):
support you saying like what makes me picky?

Speaker 1 (17:27):
Because I want to know if you really think I'm
being picky about stuff, tell me. But like, I know
what I like, I don't think that is a crime
or like, no, I even with like the idea of
being high maintenance, Like I am higher maintenance, but I
figured out how to take care of myself. I don't
expect other people to do it, like I know what
works for me, Like I leave events early because I'm
ready to go to bed.

Speaker 5 (17:45):
Like, yeah, I.

Speaker 1 (17:46):
Don't understand how that makes me high maintenance to know
how to take care of myself. I'm not making an
other people's fucking issue. Yeah, So I don't know how
that is such a fucking crime. And it's because I
am a woman pariod.

Speaker 5 (17:58):
Yeah, I get that. I you know you talking about
like leaving events early. I had like a kind of
like a breakthrough, I feel like moment for myself last night.
So I went and played pickleball with Liz and a
couple of her Okay, we should go, we should do
it again. I actually had a lot of fun and
I felt like, you know, especially, I feel like I'm
in this phase right now, like with my like weight

(18:19):
loss journey, like health journey, where I need to kind
of start moving my body more. But I think when
you reintroduce something that you haven't done in a really
long time, it can be very scary, it can be
very anxiety inducing. I feel like I've always had a
very interesting relationship with physical movement, and so I was
really nervous to go and I honestly was nervous too,
because like the two other girls, I don't know them

(18:40):
as well, and so like I'm already in this vulnerable,
vulnerable position of like moving my body for the first
time like in a really long time, and then like
with people that I don't know as well. But I
honestly just like I had a really great time. You know,
It's an hour, which is very manageable, Like you can
take breaks because there's places to sit in everything. So yes,
I'd love to go again.

Speaker 1 (19:00):
But back to I want to join the pickleball cult.
I feel like it's yeah, that's ticking over and I'm
ready to join.

Speaker 5 (19:06):
Yeah, And I feel like what I told myself is
if I like play up to like five or six times,
I'm gonna get myself like a cute racket. Oh yeah,
like a's a present. There's this one store called Recess,
and they have such cute rackets. I'm always down for
cute little gear. Right, I was taking cute little gear.
I was telling Liz's friend last night. We were just
like relating on this point of like doing an activity
like pickleball or golf or tenants or whatever it may be.

(19:29):
Like half of it is about the esthetic, like half
the reason I'm showing up. Like they were like, Sarah,
you literally looked like a professional walking in because I
had my cute, little pleated skar. I want to look
adorable exactly. It makes it fun. But after we were
going out and like we went to one place. I
had like one margarita. It took me like so long
to drink it, and like I was chafing a little bit,

(19:50):
so I was like, I don't know if I want
to go out. But I was like, you know what,
like I'm having a good time talking, like why don't
I go out? We get to Henrietta Is and it's early,
so I'm happy about that, but I like stand for
like fifteen minutes, like just not knowing what I want
to drink, and like a part of my brain was
like Sarah, like you don't want any of the options here,
like why don't you just get a water or soda?
But you know, leaning into the like my you know,

(20:12):
cultural tendencies. I get a drink. I literally had two
steps of the drink and I was trying to like
I was trying to get it down. I was trying
to do it, and then there was a part of
Like there was a point like thirty minutes to later
that I said to myself, like I don't need to
drink this, Like I don't need to be drunk to
be in this space. Like and once I allowed myself
to like say that, like, hey, I don't enjoy this,

(20:34):
Like I don't want to drink this, and realize that
I didn't need to like drink like an access to
be here. I had a great time, Like I was
just talking with everybody, we were sitting down, I was
enjoying myself. There was good music, and I didn't need
to be like fucked up. Yes, And so I was
like okay, like starting to like catch myself in that
morn and noticing when I'm like, hey, like there's nothing

(20:56):
I want to drink here. Why am I going to
purchase a drink? Because I know I'm only going to
take two SIPs of it? Like can I just like
I know it's uncomfortable for a couple of sizins like
sitting in the like hey, like I'm probably gonna leave
like in thirty minutes or like and like not drink
a lot, but like you can do it and you
can enjoy yourself.

Speaker 1 (21:12):
Yeah, I really For everyone who is like younger than
us out there, I want you to know, like all
of this stuff does get easier. I promise you like
it like already is at such an easier point, and
like I, for I feel like a lot of years
have kind of been trying to do that thing where
like you sort of like fake it and eventually does
but like I like finally feel like you know the
whole idea that like twenty five twenty six, your brain

(21:32):
kind of finishes cooking.

Speaker 5 (21:33):
Yeah, I feel like some.

Speaker 1 (21:34):
Things are starting to settle, and I honestly no percent
believed that that was gonna happen until this past like
month or two. Like I feel like good and like
confident in the choices I'm making, and like I the
other night was like kind of thirsty, saw a wine
in my friend and I was like, maybe I have wine,
and then I was like, no, you don't really want it,
like just go have a cup of water. And it's
just like all of it really does get easier, like

(21:57):
in really wonderful ways, and like being comfortable with like
the choices that work for you, Like when I had
people over the other night, for like the final night
of going out. I wasn't quite sure what I was
gonna wear, and my friend and my sister were like
going over outfits with me, and like we tried on
address that it was more fitted, and they're like, you
look really great, you look really hot, And I was like,
I just know I'm not gonna be comfortable with this.
Like I appreciate you saying I look great, that's not

(22:18):
gonna convince me. I feel more. I care more about
having an enjoyable time, and I won't have an enjoyable
time with this on my body. So I am gonna
wear a bike short and giant T shirts and like
I had an absolute fucking blast, I wouldn't have had
a blast and dress. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (22:32):
Yeah, I think listening to your inner cues is like
so important and it.

Speaker 1 (22:38):
Gets easier and like your confidence in them becomes stronger.

Speaker 5 (22:42):
Right because I think, yeah, especially when it comes to
things like going out or things that like a lot
of people your age are doing, or there's a lot
of shoulds around it, like you should be going out,
you should be getting fucked up, like you should be
having like this crazy time, and so internally, when you
start to get these like little buzz of like Oh,
I don't know if I want to do that. I
don't know if I ligne with that. It's like you
judge yourself for it, but like like just allowing like

(23:06):
yourself to like feel it and just like leaning into
it slowly and then getting to see the outcome of like, oh, hey,
like you know what. I ended up having a great time.
I gave my drink away, I was able to have
some fun conversations, and then when I was tired and
over it, I hiked it back home.

Speaker 1 (23:21):
And every time you do it, it gets a little
bit easier. Yeah, So I've restarted auditioning. I was gonna
wait a little bit longer till after moving in, but
there's an audition I felt I was a pretty good
fit for ended up not getting seen. They didn't see
any non equity people. But I was like, okay, well,
well we've already started, and I literally so I went
downtown to go and do that audition. They ended up
cutting nonac When my friend told me that there's another

(23:42):
audition happening, and I was like, I don't know if
I'm a great fit for that. Plus the song I
would want to sing I don't have physically printed out
in my book. So I went back uptown and I
was going to do something with packing. I got text
from my friend being like, hey, the other audition I
do know for one hundred percent they are seeing non x.
So I went and printed out the music I wanted
to do. Yeah, I ran back downtown and I did it.
And like I had started doing some more auditions in
these last like six months, but not very much, and

(24:03):
they felt like I was really forcing myself to do
them and didn't want to be there. Sure like I'm
just starting to feel like good and excited for them,
and like I know every single time that I do
it again, of like even within this week. So I
went to three total. I only got seen two of them.
The first one, I honestly did a bad job. I
did a pretty bad job. I mean vocally kind of fine,

(24:24):
but like acting bad, very bad. I was the most stiff.
I all of a sudden realized, like you know when
people stand with their feet too close together and they
look incredibly awkward. Sure, me the whole time I was singing.
But the second one, I mean, odds are I'll probably
never hear anything about it. But I was quite happy
with that one. I had a blast. I sang my
little ditty and I got out and I had a
fun time. And every time it's going to keep getting

(24:45):
fucking easier. Just got to like make it through those
first like five to ten times.

Speaker 5 (24:50):
Yeah. You know, something that really stuck out from like
talking with my mom on the podcast, and something that
I think is a very like normal thing to say,
is like you just have to take a step and
then take another step, and then take another step, and
then all of a sudden you're somewhere and like and
it's really hard.

Speaker 1 (25:06):
It's really hard to taking that momentum. Fucking hard.

Speaker 5 (25:09):
Yeah, it is super hard, it really is, but once
you start getting it, like slowly but surely. Like something
that I've been doing specifically when it comes to physical
movement is I have a walking pad, and so I'm
really trying to reintroduce physical movement into my life. But
it seems like this very overwhelming goal, overwhelming thing, right,
And so when I've been working from home, what I've
been doing is I've been taking my walking pad out

(25:31):
and when I'm feeling inclined, when i need to take
a break, when my hips hurt from sitting, I'll get
up and walk for as long as that I want to.
The second that my brain says to me, I don't
want to be doing this anymore, I get off of it. Yeah,
because that is like I've been talking about it with
my therapists, like about how that makes it It doesn't
make it feel like a punishment. Yes, it makes it
feel something that you're choosing to do for yourself and.

Speaker 1 (25:53):
You don't have to Yeah, like you're choosing.

Speaker 5 (25:55):
To y right, So yeah, I think and this will like,
so what we're going to do in the second half
is we're gonna, you know, talk about our New Year's
like resolutions. I listened back to the episode that we did.
I didn't we talked about it beforehand. I can't ever
go back. I don't like, I don't want to hear
any of my previous thoughts. Honestly, it was a really
great episode. I was listening to it and I was like, wow,

(26:15):
like I just feel like I'm sitting with my besties.
Like I was like, I loved it, and and your
best friends, me and myself and I literally and sometimes
it's it is hard to like go back and listen,
but I kind of wanted to get like a pulse
of like where we were because I remember some of it,
but you know, six months, there's a lot of things
that happened.

Speaker 1 (26:31):
I feel like in another year, I can, but I
think I need or maybe even another six months. Yeah,
but I feel like another six months to let things
settle before I start digging into the past.

Speaker 5 (26:39):
It's interesting that we've kind of landed on this, like
where we're at right now, because something that we did
talk about was like not wanting to set these like
really lofty big goals because a lot of the time
they're not very actionable, and how like you need to
set more like actionable, like smaller goals to really get
to that big goal. So I think it's funny we've

(27:00):
landed here, sorry pause where we are at time? Because
I forgot you one fifty seven twenty one fifty seven,
So what does that mean?

Speaker 1 (27:06):
We've got in another like eight minutes?

Speaker 5 (27:08):
Oh okay, Wow, I'm a genius. I like just put
a random time on my timer and it's like around sometimes.
I know. But yeah, six months since the new year. Yeah,
six months into twenty twenty four.

Speaker 1 (27:24):
I'm feeling good about this year. Guys. What the first half? Nah?
But first half's a wash. We got another second half exactly,
back half, we can come back. We're swinging exactly. I'm
trying to talking sports metaphors, and I realized I really
don't know enough about sports and talking sports metaphors.

Speaker 5 (27:39):
Okay, So the thing that I wanted to tell you
yes and the reason I like moved around our episodes
because I was like, this is a really big moment
for me. I have a therapy session with a new
therapist next week.

Speaker 1 (27:51):
That is so amazing, Sarah.

Speaker 5 (27:53):
I know, I'm like a part of me is like
getting chilled right now. I'm just crying. I'm just really prouty.
This some I talking about for a long time, I know,
and it's like kind of crazy that it ended up
landing like at this.

Speaker 1 (28:05):
Point, it's not really thematic symbolic, right.

Speaker 5 (28:08):
So Yeah, my last therapy session I had, I just
was like, okay, let me start, Like how is like again,
like what is a small way that I can start
like introducing this conversation. So I had told my therapist.
I was like, hey, like I think I would like
you know, we only meet every two weeks, and I
was like, I was like, I think I would like
to like kind of maybe like supplement some of the
work we're doing with like somebody else, and you know,
it's just like and I was like, and you know,

(28:29):
you've been my therapist for like fifteen years, Like I
would love like your input on this, because like I
don't really know where to start, like I haven't started
a new therapeutic relationship in a really long time. And
you know, she we started talking and she was like,
you know, probably they're just gonna want to, like you
to see each other because sometimes like when you know
different therapists, it can be a lot. But she was like, Sarah,

(28:51):
I'm always going to be here, Like you don't need
to worry about that, Like I'm always going to be here,
and so like that felt comforting. And then you know,
we started talking about what I'm like looking to explore,
and it kind of just like solidified to me that
like I really do need to like move on to
somebody else because there's a lot of like things from
my past because a lot of the work I feel
like I do in my current therapy is very like

(29:13):
right now, present base, like how am I coping and
living through life right now? Which is great, and that's
why I don't want to necessarily give that part up forever.
But I was like, I feel like there's a lot
of things like dramas from my past, Like it was crazy.
My therapist was like, yeah, like I really think you
need to see somebody that has a lot of experience

(29:33):
in trauma. And I was like what, I was like,
excusy and you know, and I was like oh and
then you know, and I was like and she was
like asking me some of the things I'm looking to
talk about, and I started bringing those things up and
I started like crying, and I was like, yeah, this
happens every time I start talking about these things. And
she was like, yeah, so yeah, I have I have

(29:56):
a session with a new therapist next week. I'm honestly
looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to having a
new set of eyes on me and just like getting
and talking about some of the things that are really
uncomfortable to talk about.

Speaker 1 (30:09):
I'm also looking for a new therapist. Yeah, I after
my last therapist went on attorney leave, I've kind of
been taking a bit of a break, and I think
that that absolutely was the right call. I think like
that is kind of what is I think helped in
a certain way of like really this last sort of
corner that I feel like I've turned, and I feel
like I like rooting around so much within my life,
like just wasn't helping of like you know how like

(30:31):
if you scratch it like a scab, like the scab's
not gonna fucking heal. Sure, and that's obviously not what
therapy is, but I feel like in that moment, that's
sort of like the effect that I was having on me.
And I'm starting to like look now back into like
there is diarymatch some other stuff that I want to
sort out. Yeah, but I do feel like I maybe
might underdoing more of an every other week just because

(30:52):
I feel like like digging into like my own shit
every single week, Like I like it effect the rest
of that day until yeah, the next day, which like
is two out of a seven day week, Like that's
a lot worse as I feel like two out of
every fourteen days versus two out of every seven days
feels very different. Yeah, not that like every therapy session

(31:15):
leaves me like absolutely fucking destroyed and any mean, but
like it weighs on you.

Speaker 5 (31:18):
To sure, Yeah, it's been interesting. I feel like there's
been times in my life where I'm able to just
kind of like go on with the day, but now
that therapy ends up having to be in the middle
of the work day, like, oh my god, It's just
it's hard, Like I feel like it. Like currently, right now,
my therapy appointment like that I have every two weeks
is on a Wednesday around noon, and I just feel

(31:38):
like I and luckily like I work home from that day,
but I just feel like sometimes it's really hard to
bounce back after. Yeah, especially like right now, I just
feel like there's you know, like a lot of change
that has happened in the last six months. It was
crazy because in that episode the New Year Knew, U
was like I had just moved into my apartment, like
and I felt like I it was before I ended

(32:00):
up having like a harder like winter sort of like adjusting.

Speaker 1 (32:05):
Your first year in the city is hard.

Speaker 5 (32:07):
I know, I know it, and that is very difficult
to explain it is.

Speaker 1 (32:12):
I know that's not helpful for a podcast format, but.

Speaker 5 (32:14):
Yeah, it just feels like, Yeah, I feel like my
relationship to New York City has always been so like
best of both worlds kind of a situation like I
was able to go home to this like nice suburb
and like get to like drive around my car and
feel the easy and the access of that, and then
moving to the city has just yeah, it's it's been challenging,

(32:34):
and I feel like I've become a little bit like isolated.

Speaker 2 (32:37):
You know.

Speaker 5 (32:37):
We talked about this on the last episode, and it's
been very comforting to you know, start to tell friends
and be like, hey, like i feel like I've been
isolating myself, Like I'm sorry if I haven't been as
like present in our friendship or whatever. And a lot
of people's response is like, hey, like I'm dealing with
the same shit too. So but yeah, new purposed, okay,

(32:58):
but I yeah, I took some no for us to
chat about what we talked about in that episode.

Speaker 1 (33:02):
Incredible. So, first of all, thanks for listening back to it.
Oh yeah, well yeah, you always do the listening back
for episodes because I hate it. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (33:11):
I was just kind of curious because something that I
think we both went into that episode with is like
not really having many like calm crete you know, goals
and stuff, and honestly, like I feel like that is
for the best, Like I feel like I've you know,
this episode. Yes, there was things that we like talked
about and discussed, but it feels less like okay, like
what have I checked off my list?

Speaker 1 (33:33):
And then feeling disappointed when you haven't, and when you
haven't done like X, Y and Z perfectly, and when
you haven't like overnight made yourself an incredibly new person. Yeah,
Like I'd say, I didn't make any really firm goals
for this year. I feel the best that I felt
in fucking years. I really, in a lot of ways
feel like a new fucking person. I don't think setting

(33:54):
goals would have fucking helped that.

Speaker 5 (33:55):
Yeah, I think a lot of the time, especially with
social media these days, it's just really like anxiety inducing.
And I actually have an example that I wanted to
bring up, so basically right now, in at work, I
have this very big project. It's like a two month
project and the first month of it is me editing

(34:16):
like footage for like a full month. And when I
got put on this project, I was like really nervous
because I've been on this project with projects like this
before and and they've been hard. It's really hard to
time manage yourself. And the first time the project was
really hard for me because I struggled with that, and
so at first, like it was super daunting. It's like

(34:37):
this really big thing. You have all of this work
to do and all of this time, and like how
do you possibly get it done right? And then like
you know, I was like, all right, I have to
make it different this time, and so yeah, kind of
like we've been talking about. I was like, all right,
like I'm gonna watch all the footage. I'm going to
make a plan of all the different things I plan
to make, and then like as you're making them, like

(34:58):
I write different. No, it's like, okay, this is the
clean file is done. You need to do copy on
this and so like and the colors change and so
like you can like see yourself like inching and inching
forward and goals, and it feels better to do it
that way. It feels better to not have started twenty
twenty four being like this is what I want to
accomplish by the end of this year, because now I

(35:22):
don't feel so bad about myself. Yes, yeah, and I
feel like, oh, there are a lot of things that
I've grown in Like, hey, like that first project that
you did in January that like you were like kind
of having a hard time with like now you're doing
it again, and you've grown and you've learned something from
that experience, and now you can like set a mini
goal within that for yourself, you know. So Yeah, it

(35:43):
was interesting to listen to because I was like, I
think we both felt like we didn't want to set
any two lofty or extravagant goals like you see on
social media, because we both had experience doing that and
then feeling like complete shit.

Speaker 1 (35:58):
And even like the year before when I've I had
just set like more realistic, more like broken down goals,
like they they still were like both too specific and
too vague and like just too many of Like yeah,
I think like if you really want to work on
something pick like maybe maximum three things, you need to

(36:19):
really break them down and figure out what actually working
on them means. Yeah, Like and like also you need
to allow yourself to like build stamina. Like I think
we've both spoken a lot before about how we often
want to like make ourselves an entirely new person overnight,
and like that's just not possible, at least not for me,
and how like I'm even experiencing that now, Like I
feel like I finally really like I feel like I

(36:42):
a few months ago, had like a harder time sort
of depression again of like sort of like a final
like not that my depression is over, but liked a
final kind of like down before like coming to a
pretty good place. Yeah, give me one second.

Speaker 5 (36:55):
I lost.

Speaker 1 (36:56):
That's feel what I was gonna say.

Speaker 5 (37:02):
You were talking about how you were in like a
down place.

Speaker 1 (37:08):
One of that. I just can't remember exactly what I
said before that me either.

Speaker 5 (37:13):
That's probably not helpful.

Speaker 1 (37:15):
Give me like thirty seconds. I think I might come
up with it. Wow, that's gonna fucking bother me. Well,
I guess I'm gonna listen back to this and find
out what I was gonna say, and I'm sure it's
gonna fucking drive me insane.

Speaker 5 (37:32):
This may help lead you in the direction. But something
that you had said in the last episode that you were, oh,
oh setting like only like focusing on like three things
or like two or three things to like to focus on.

Speaker 1 (37:48):
Oh, building back up a stamina for life of I'm
very much feeling like that, and like I'm coming out
of like years long of feeling pretty depressed most of
the time, and even when it's better, like it felt
fleeting even when I felt better. I like I very
much am like trying to give myself grace and like, hey,
learn grace and kindness for yourself. Not easy, and it's
gonna feel like absolute bullshit for a long time, and

(38:10):
to be honest, still a little bit feels like bullshit
to me, but hey, it eventually actually fucking works. There's
a reason they keep telling you to do it. But
like I'm still rebuilding like a stamina of like how
to be alive and want to be alive of like
I still like I get fatigued. I feel like a
lot easier than I used to, and like I'm still
really I feel like figuring out how to like not
be like incredibly depressed or on the virgin depression anymore,

(38:34):
and like I'm trying to like be patient with myself
or even like I'm getting back into dance classes and
auditions like I talk about and instead of trying to
like absolutely murder my body and start like working up
everythingleing do this every day that's inevitably going to make
me incredibly exhausted, and I'm gonna get too tired and
quit because it'll be too much like allow yourself the
chance to get better and to like fuck up of

(38:55):
Like I still like I'm trying to like be better
and show up with my friend ship's more and like
be the person who I would like to be, Like
even what today, I fucking forgot the batteries. And instead
of spending a bunch of energy telling myself how I'm
an absolute piece of shit about that. That's a waste
of fucking energy. You messed up. You're still figuring out
how to do it. You're gonna fuck up a lot
of stuff. I with moving, didn't make the best decisions

(39:18):
with how to do it. But I'm learning from that.
And instead of dog piling on myself about how like
I fucked up everything and I like didn't make the
best choices, I'm working with what I got. I'm chipping
away at the fucking moving and unpacking and I'm no
better for next time.

Speaker 5 (39:32):
Yeah, I feel like a lot of life is yeah,
like having experiences and learning from them and the next
time around, Like you know, like getting mad.

Speaker 1 (39:40):
At yourself for not knowing how to do something you've
never done is not helpful to fucking anyone.

Speaker 5 (39:44):
Yeah, Honestly, getting mad at yourself in general is just
like not It's not helpful and look, I still do
it all the time, like I think everybody does, but
I let go of it faster than I used to. Sure, Yeah,
I like have a little giggbles on myself now and
then I go and like put on a silly little
YouTube video and I go, it's okay. Yeah, definitely, listening
to yourself is so like important and something I want

(40:05):
to continue on. But oh, now, thinking about what I
was going to say in response, you were gonna say,
but you yeah, you were you know, talking about like, oh,
focusing on like yeah, like two or three things instead
of like making like one hundred lofty goals. And you know,
there are there were a couple of things that like
I had in mind, you know, in twenty twenty four
and wanting to focus on and I think I have

(40:25):
and because they weren't these like like multiple goals or
this like I'm going to be a mester at communication
by the end of this year. Like it's like they've
just slowly worked into my life. Like something that I
had talked about was like really wanting to be better
at being like a being a communicator. You know, I had,
excuse me, I had in twenty twenty three, I had

(40:47):
like really done that with Olivia, and I was like,
I want to extend that into my relationships and my
relationships Oh my god, words in my head, into my
friendships which are relationships totally and even like my family
and stuff like that, and it's really hard, but it's
definitely something that I have been working on throughout the
year and I've been seeing like the benefits of that
and just like you know, yeah, trying to be like

(41:10):
more of an open communicator. So I'm like going to
continue to try and do that, like throughout this year.
Something that I did say was my skin, and my skin,
you guys, it's not gonna look like it today because
I did have a pick session last night, which I.

Speaker 1 (41:25):
Almost did this morning, and then I was like, don't
fuck it. You have the podcast and then work, don't
pick it. It's gonna be red and awful the whole day. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (41:33):
Yeah, I have been so good at not picking up
my skin, and it's been so gorgeous and so glowy
and just like, oh my god, I've been like it
was I was listening back and I was like, yes,
like yes, I have sort of figured this out. And
then I picked up my skin last night ar guys.
So it looks a little bit rough right now, but
for the most part, oh, thank you. For the most part,
I've like kind of figured out some like stuff with

(41:54):
my skin. It's definitely cleared up a bit. And there
is this one product that I used that I really
feel like has changed my change my skin. It's a
little bit expensive, so like take it with a grain
of salt, but I did purchase it with my own
money because I had gotten a sample from my mom
and I decided to try it for a month and
I really saw it like change in my skin. It's

(42:16):
from Revived Skincare, and it's the Enzyme Essence and basically
it's a very light and gentle exfoliator that you put
on every morning and every night. And they have this
kind of whole philosophy about like how like doing that
in very like tiny like smaller increments is like really
good for your skin.

Speaker 1 (42:34):
You gotta talk to Julia, she has a really expensive skin.

Speaker 5 (42:39):
Yes, I literally like I tried so hard not to
love this, but like I did. I used it for
the month and I really saw a change in my
skin and I was like I have to get this.
I've also just been like you know, I've done a
little bit of like skin cycling where you kind of
like go through a cycle with like your products. So
like on day one, I'll use this like xfoliating pad

(43:02):
that has like salsilic acid and glycolic acid in it.
Then I'll do like my essence and my moisturizer, and
then that's it. And then the next day I use
like a retinol the essence and moisturizer, and then the
third day you're off and then like you repeat that cycle.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
I've just made my skincare so easy because I realized
that works for me period that Actually I use one
of two acne cleansers in the morning, and then I
put on a little vitamin C storm that I have
because I've got a lot of discolouration from years of
picking at acme. Literally, then I put on a moisturizer
which I am out of. And I would say that,
actually I fell in love with this brand called dou Skin.

(43:38):
It's called I'm like, it's called dow Skin, but d
I e u X. But then people get weird about
them of being like, why aren't you pronouncing it the
French way? We just do, and they're like because we
pronounce it the American or the English way because we're
an English company or American company anyway, But I really
fall in love with them. It is a bit more expensive,
but I do love it so much. I can't necessarily

(43:59):
say it's hundred scent better, but I really love it
and I am going to rebuy it.

Speaker 5 (44:03):
Yeah, I do that.

Speaker 1 (44:04):
I have the one that I use in the morning,
and then in the evening I do oil and then
face wash if I were makeup. Otherwise, I just use
a face wash and then I put on retinal and
a moisturiz.

Speaker 5 (44:15):
Yeah, honestly I could do that every day, right, The
simpler the better. And I've learned with like my skincare
routines and like honestly routines everything. Yeah, with routines in general,
like to pair it with something that is more enjoyable.
So like I don't love washing the dishes before like
I start my nighttime routine, but I've sort of realized
that like the start of my nighttime routine is like

(44:36):
taking care of whatsever in the kitchen so it's not
a mess when I wake up. And what I'll do
is like I'll put on my favorite podcast or a
YouTube video I've been looking forward to, and it just
makes the experience a whole lot better.

Speaker 1 (44:47):
I'm really I think I've become like partially due to
living the depression, but also like sort of like coming
out of it, of like, do the thing that will
actually work, of like with the skin caroutine, make it
simple enough that you will actually do it. Or like
I like often would only buy like groceries, but then
like if I didn't have the energy for that, then
I would end up ordering like takeout or door dash

(45:08):
because like everything I had was only ingredients, and I
really grew up in like an ingredients household.

Speaker 5 (45:12):
Yeah, and so I like would feel really weird.

Speaker 1 (45:14):
Now I keep uncrustable sandwiches in my fucking freezer because
that way I have an option of like when that
is the amount of energy I have. Good, like, give
yourself the options, do the thing that will actually work
and make your life fucking sustainable.

Speaker 5 (45:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (45:28):
Not, We're really coming back to the same theme. Don't
do what you should do, do what works for you.
And that is going to take a while to figure out.
There's still a lot of things I haven't sorted out, sure,
but do what will actually work for you, Yeah, it
makes you excited to like do the thing, not making that.
Don't you don't need to dread doing your skincare. If skinnacare,
some of your dreading make it easier.

Speaker 5 (45:50):
Right because I think again, it is hard. Something I
learned about myself that like, once I am in the bed,
I am not getting out of the bed. So like
and what's nice about, you know, having my own apartment.
And I was like, usually I like am watching TV
on the couch or like whatever. So but like before
I even like step into my room, like all the dishes,
the skincare, like it's all got to be done because

(46:11):
I know once I lay down in that bed, like
it is really hard for me to get out of it.

Speaker 1 (46:15):
I what I do, I'll make sure like brush my
teeth washed, my face is done. But I have my
retinal and my more stars that's gone on night just
in my bedside table, and so I can just a
little bit dying in bed, just like.

Speaker 5 (46:25):
Mah litterally another skincare recommendation. And I actually got sent
this in a mailer and I know, I'm so fancy,
I know, right it was from skin Fix and I
was like okay, and they sent me their moisturizer.

Speaker 1 (46:40):
I've heard very good things about theirs, but upset. I
always resisted it because it was too expensive, But I
now think I actually buy an equally if not a
more expensive morsturizer. So I don't really have a.

Speaker 5 (46:48):
Justification not saying it's just fifty dollars, because fifty dollars
is a lot, but compared to like the fancy, like
I feel like some other moisturizers that I had, it
is eat no Sola maras what's the name of the Yeah,
that's like two hundred fifty dollars, but no, I really
really love it. And it's one that's reusable, so once

(47:11):
you get the big car in, you don't have to
pay fifty dollars every time.

Speaker 1 (47:15):
So that's another reason why I do like Dukes skin
is like they very much like are like, uh, it's
very sustainable and like in a way that I genuinely
don't believe is greenwashing. Like you know how a lot
of moisturizing tubes like they look big, but then they
don't have much in that. Yeah, so like their day one,
like it looks pretty small and like when I first
got it, I was like, I can't believe I paid
this much for this little product. That thing lasted me

(47:36):
forever because there's not like extra packaging around it to
buffet out and make it bigger. And they use like
all aluminiums that you can like recycle, you can opt
out of getting a new top, so the next time
I won't need to get the like insert top, I'll
just get the bottle. So I'm really sold on them.

Speaker 5 (47:50):
Yeah, I love the insert idea, and I love the
insert idea.

Speaker 1 (47:53):
It's actually done properly right Kim's skin, they're like sustainable,
like refillable thing. No, it's just like a plastic piece
that goes inside of another plastic piece. This is just
fucking stupid.

Speaker 5 (48:04):
Yeah, No, that's that's not it. Yeah. But another skincare
brand that I use on the regular that I love
that you can like get at CBS is Vanny Cream.
I've really found. Yeah, so basically Emily bill Words. Emily
Billings shot at Emily Billings. She talks a lot about
like skincare and products on her TikTok page, and I

(48:25):
noticed that, like she has a lot of like similar
kind of like skin issues that I did, And she
would talk about Vanny Cream and she noted like it
was inexpensive, and I feel like a lot of skincare
can be so expensive, and now, you know, with being
financially independent, like you gotta pick and choose right. And
then I saw that my partner's mom also had the
Vanny Cream facewash and moisturizer. And Olivia's mom is just

(48:46):
so chic coastal grandmother, like to the max, like it
has great taste. So when I saw in her bathroom,
I was like, all right, I'm gonna get this stuff.
I'm gonna get it. And it really does work so well.
It's such a great gentle cleanser. The moisturizer is great
for every day. And again, like these products are like
fifteen bucks.

Speaker 1 (49:07):
If you're looking for great sunscreen. I don't have one yet,
but I'm about to test out a bunch of Korean
sunscreen because I don't have a sunscreen I love. Right now,
I've been using uh, Supergoop. I don't love theirs. I
don't love Super Goop no like I also don't think
it lays well under makeup. So yeah, I'm planning on
testing some out. I've done some research, I've ordered one.

(49:29):
I'm gonna i mean, this is gonna be very very
slow testing. I'm probably gonna buy one at a time
and once I finished, I'll go through. But I go
through sunscreen pretty quick because I need a fucking lot
of it.

Speaker 5 (49:38):
You're like Olivia. Olivia is and to the I mean,
this is amazing. They'll probably never have skin cancer because
of this. They are so crazy about sunscreen. I'm a
little less.

Speaker 1 (49:47):
It's because if I miss a singular square inch of
skin roasted.

Speaker 5 (49:52):
Yeah, I use Nutrigena face sunscreen.

Speaker 1 (49:56):
I'm switching over. So I'm switching over to try a
lot of Korean brands because so, something that I've now
since learned about is the US hasn't approved a new
sunscreen filter since like nineteen ninety something, Yeah, like over
twenty five years ago. So they've come out with better
screen filters that we just haven't approved for a variety
of reasons. And as someone who needs all the fucking

(50:16):
help they can get because skincare, skin cancer is just
kind of inevitable in their future. Unfortunately, knock on the wig, girl,
that's not what there's not what en race of me.
I'll knock on it later.

Speaker 5 (50:27):
We're knocking. We're virtually or rich virtually.

Speaker 1 (50:30):
Yea, let me just knock on it, you know, just again.

Speaker 5 (50:32):
Just in case. Gotta have good juju.

Speaker 1 (50:36):
I need the best sunscreen.

Speaker 5 (50:37):
They're fucking yeah, so you know what to me in
a year. A brand recently took a bunch of influencers,
and I want to say it like this, because makeup
iy Mikaela went Korea. She's like, get ready with me
in Korea. It's like she just like really like emphasized Korea.
But a couple of influencers went, and one of the
influencers I really like went and she was talking about

(50:59):
this about how like the sunscreen in Korea is better,
and honestly, that whole trip got me more intrigued in
Korean like skincare, in everything in general. Yes, so maybe
I'll have to try one or I'm definitely gonna suggest
that to Olivia because they're super worried about the skin.

Speaker 1 (51:13):
I'm going to give two to my father because that's
gonna be my Father's Day gift him because that's also
he technically has my complexion. And by that, I mean
if he didn't have years in which there wasn't really
sunscreen around from and put on, he would have my complexion.
He is. He almost gives the appearance of tan because
all of his freckles have merged and he's had issues
with skincare. I mean, I'm joshing around, but like that's

(51:35):
been a serious issue. Like he has to be very
careful with sunscreen, and so I want to get him
on one. And I know he's like not the skincare stuff,
So I'm like, Okay, there's some that are also kind
of like meant to be moisturizing. I'll do that. I'm
gonna get him two options, and my plan is that
this is gonna be a long, long term plan. I'm
going to give him two, I know, more than two
options to be overwhelming. He'll have the two detests. Once
he eventually picks one, one will go to be like

(51:57):
extra sunscreen that's like in the car or whatever. Yeah,
and then little by little, I'm gonna give him like
two different options. He'll pick between one, and eventually we'll
reach the ultimate.

Speaker 5 (52:05):
Sounds great, least love this plan that you've thought out.

Speaker 1 (52:09):
Yeah, he's not really gonna know about the plan. He's
I'm going to keep him in as the dark as possible. Sure,
I feel like he'll find it overwhelming and won't want
to do it. But if I kind of sneak and
trick him into doing it, I think he'll enjoy the
end result.

Speaker 5 (52:21):
Okay, So something I want to ask you, because you
said this on the episode, was something that you're hoping
for you were hoping for this yere is you want
to like yourself more? How's that going?

Speaker 1 (52:32):
I I like myself a lot more, and like, like
I really don't know how to explain it, and like
I really feel like I've like kind of turned a
real corner in the past couple of months, and like
I can't fully explain why. To be honest, I like
wish I had an answer of like how you fix depression,

(52:54):
but I don't, and I do like I genuinely feel
like I finally am Like the years of work that
I've been doing of like trying to rebuild the entire
way that I operated and viewed the world is finally
starting to pay off. And like all of that feeling
of feeling like being kind to myself and like whatever
was being absolute bullshit is like finally starting to like
kind of pay off, and like I feel like I

(53:14):
like still probably from the outside seem like a very
similar person who I was, but internally I feel incredibly different.

Speaker 5 (53:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Of like I like something that has confounded me for
a lot of my life is, uh, people have called
me positive and optimistic for most of my life. Yeah,
And like I remember, we even did an exercise in
college where like part of it was like having your
friends I have for them to describe you. Yeah, and
the one I got over and over again with some
version of positive or optimistic. And I truly did not

(53:42):
feel that way internally, And I still don't feel that
way internally all the time. But I don't feel like
such a fraud. And like this has been like a
few years coming. But like I I've spoken about before,
how like I have finally reached a point of like
not feeling like all my friends secretly hating me, but
like further than that, like feeling okay, like asking for
help or like at least when people offer it four times,

(54:05):
being like okay, maybe I can't accept it. Of like
with moving that's come to play with like Sarah has
helped me a bunch, and I've had a lot of
other friends who've really like stepped up and helped me
so much. And I really I like myself a lot more.
I mean I'm not all the way there, Like I
still have a lot of shit to pack through and
pack through, work through, and unpack. But I probably like

(54:26):
myself the most that I can remember since like pre
middle school.

Speaker 5 (54:30):
Oh that's good, so pick that that's growth. No, yeah,
that's amazing. I mean yeah, I feel like as your
friend I've seen in the last like you know, six months,
you really yeah, you really turning a corner and like
feeling better and like, you know, getting to see you
just like you know, be more of like a human
and as somebody who like went through that, Like I

(54:53):
understand where you're coming from. And I think a lot
of the time with depression, you know, or mental illness
in general, like it's really hard to explain like the
timeline of it all because it really does weigh you
down for like a really long time, like.

Speaker 1 (55:08):
And it feels like it's never going to end, right.

Speaker 5 (55:11):
Like I There's been multiple times I've talked about on
this podcast that like twenty twenty three, you felt like
the first year in a really long time where I
felt like I had like grounded myself and you know,
and I think that's pretty normal for twenty somethings. If
I think about what a lot of the thirty somethings
have said on this podcast, Like I think, like in
your twenties, you know, you're just like kind of flipped
on your head and have to figure out like who you.

Speaker 1 (55:33):
Are, and you are like I said about children earlier,
learning how to do a lot of stuff for the
first time. Yeah, like you are in a lot of
ways a child and really like experiencing a lot of
developmental growth, right and growth fucking painbell Do you remember
growth spurts? How much it would just hurt your bones? Yeah,
your bones would just hurt.

Speaker 5 (55:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (55:52):
Yeah, Now it's just your whole life experience. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (55:56):
Yeah, I think figuring yourself out, growing, failing, making me stakes,
getting up again, like it can it can take a
lot of mental energy. And so yeah, it's it's been
great to see you like feel better to have more
energy because I know for me, what like that really
felt like it felt like, oh my god, like finally

(56:16):
like after all these years, I finally like I feel
like I you know, I'm I'm starting to like, yeah
round the corner.

Speaker 1 (56:22):
It's wild to me that I'm like, does everyone else
feel like this? The rest of the time. You all
had all this energy the whole time.

Speaker 3 (56:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (56:29):
Fuck dude. Like as someone who truly like like truly
during like horrible depressive episodes, would say to my therapists like,
what if I don't have depression? What if I'm just
a bad lazy person. Yeah, and she'd like, Audrey, you
haven't left your bed in three days. I don't think
this is about you wanting to be lazy.

Speaker 5 (56:48):
Yeah, but like.

Speaker 1 (56:51):
It, like really, I everything feels like it is paying
off coming too. But again, I don't know how to
explain it. Like I truly I wish I had an
answer or a fix of like why it's gotten better.
I feel like it's just been a lot of slow
work over time finally paying off. Like I wish I
had a satisfying answer.

Speaker 5 (57:05):
Yeah, yeah, I feel Yeah, I agree, I think it's
slow work over time. Like you know, you work in therapy,
you take medicine that can help you learn culping skills, like, yeah,
I think a part of it is just walking through it.
You know, the only way out is through right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (57:21):
Also, as one final thing, I do think last night
I finally actually figured out what I was gonna do
for my new tattoo. I probably won't share the specific
cause of the design just because I want to think
on it for a while. But sort of like how
I spoke about earlier, I am very decisive with big things.
When I know what I want, I know when it's right.
Like I knew I wanted to go to Walma Hill,
I knew Elon was a good fit. Like with big
important decisions, I usually know prety definitely what I want,

(57:43):
and I've thought about for a long time of like
I have a plan of a tattoo that I want
to do for family over time, but I wanted my
first tattoo to just be about me. And there's a
lot of different ideas and I kept kind of trying,
like to push for things and like try out different things,
but just none that ever felt right. And last night,
I'm not gonna lie. It was inspired by a TikTok
I saw, which actually was fully stolen from a Tumblr

(58:03):
post hilariously, but it was a TikTok that was a
repurposed Tumblr post that was about not about depression but
about actually grief. And it was in tangiba of this
poem and also talking about this orca in the wild
who her calf died and she like carried around the

(58:24):
calf for years and talking about that, and then combined
with this poem that I'm totally blinking on the poet's
name or the writer what book it is from, but
I will put it in the description, but the quote
from it is I refuse to let you sink. And
it was actually about like depression or about grief and
like holding onto someone's memory and refusing to let them sink. Yeah,

(58:47):
but that idea of like refusing to let them sink
of like I'm so thankful. I'm gonna get sad, guys,
I'm gonna get weepy. But I've had so many people
who have refused to let me sink, and like even
with myself, like I I wanted to sink a lot
of times, and I am so so grateful to all
the people who didn't let me sink. I particularly felt.

Speaker 5 (59:11):
Really poignant because that's really beautiful. When you said it,
it hit I was like, yeah, that's like because I
think you can apply it to yourself, like I refuse
to let myself sink when you're going through a hard time,
and then like for the people that are around you.

Speaker 1 (59:24):
Particularly because like I over and over again and like
trying to explain to my therapist how I felt throughout
times of depression. Like came back to the various metaphors
of being like in the middle of the ocean and
like not keeping a border, which I feel like is
not very common, but it just like it felt right.
I immediately started crying. I was like trying to go
to bed too, and I was like, this is a
bad time crying. I sketched out a little thing of

(59:44):
what it's gonna look like in a horrible sketch. I
probably won't show you, guys, because it looks bad, but
this is the rough of what I wanted to look like.
I love it.

Speaker 5 (59:52):
I can't wait for you to show that to a
tattoo artist. Yeah, they'll they'll, like, you know, they'll figure
it out.

Speaker 1 (59:57):
I mean it probably I probably won't get it for
at least another year, but I love it. Yeah, I know,
And that's absolutely what I want to do. See, I'm
not picky.

Speaker 5 (01:00:07):
I'm decisive period. Mike Drop, we're ending the episode. Ah,
that's just cute. I can't wait to listen to this
back before twenty twenty five. Anyways, you guys, thank you
so much for listening to the podcast. If you like
what you are hearing, you can follow us on Instagram
A completely fucking clueless.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
And on TikTok and YouTube a completely fc K I
m G clueless. Also, it will be a bit into
pride by the time you hear this, but for us,
happy Pride is the first day pride.

Speaker 5 (01:00:37):
It is the first day I have pride, the best
monthy period And yeah, I looked at the mic. Yeah,
but thank you guys for listening. Don't forget to like,
rate review, subscribe all the things, have an amazing Tuesday,
have an amazing week, and don't forget to be motherfucking clueless.
Bye you guys.

Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
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Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
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