November 19, 2024 • 58 mins
Welcome to the debut episode of Clueless Column, a monthly advice series where my partner Olivia and I dive into your most anxiety-provoking life moments and help you find clarity when you're feeling totally clueless.
In this episode, we tackle your burning questions about love, dating, relationships, and sexuality. But first, we spill our unfiltered thoughts on the viral PJ drama taking over TikTok and share the relationship lessons we’ve learned from bingeing season 6 of Gilmore Girls—Rory and Logan’s miscommunication is NOT the vibe.
From double-texting anxiety to wondering if you should leave your partner for their best friend, we dive into juicy, relatable dilemmas with honest advice, lots of laughs, and a dash of tough love. If you’ve ever felt lost in the chaos of modern romance, this episode is your guide to finding clarity and confidence.
TikTok Pajama Drama
Sadly, my Skims PJs are sold out - but here they are in a dark wintergreen!
Lesbian MasterDoc
Make sure to follow The Completely Clueless Podcast on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube @completelycluelesspod 💖
And for more of my personal adventures, follow me @sarahaliceliddy!
In this episode, we tackle your burning questions about love, dating, relationships, and sexuality. But first, we spill our unfiltered thoughts on the viral PJ drama taking over TikTok and share the relationship lessons we’ve learned from bingeing season 6 of Gilmore Girls—Rory and Logan’s miscommunication is NOT the vibe.
From double-texting anxiety to wondering if you should leave your partner for their best friend, we dive into juicy, relatable dilemmas with honest advice, lots of laughs, and a dash of tough love. If you’ve ever felt lost in the chaos of modern romance, this episode is your guide to finding clarity and confidence.
TikTok Pajama Drama
Sadly, my Skims PJs are sold out - but here they are in a dark wintergreen!
Lesbian MasterDoc
Make sure to follow The Completely Clueless Podcast on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube @completelycluelesspod 💖
And for more of my personal adventures, follow me @sarahaliceliddy!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hello, my clueless queens. Welcome back to the Completely Clueless podcast.
I am your host, Sarah Alice Liddy and I have
our clueless captain Aka are residential therapist that I am
exploiting my partner.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Olivia, I'm not licensed.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Take everything we say today with a grain of salt.
They will be licensed one day. I do believe in you, babe.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Speak to your doctor about everything.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Speak to your doctor. We're only giving advice, but you
do give really great advice.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Thanks for being here.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
I'm happy.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
I'm happy. Oh you're happy? Yes? Do you think you're
going to yawn today?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I hope not? Oh god.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
And we have some other spotful guests with us. But Tunior,
you want to introduce yours.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
This is Jeremy.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Olivia got these off the TikTok shop and what are
they called? Kapubaras, kay bars, happy Barras. So they're here today.
There are a little in studio audience and they're going
to be helping you with all your clueless moments about relationships.
So today is our first Clueless column episode. I'm very
excited to start doing this. You know we've been doing
Clueless moments for the entirety of like the nearly three
(01:20):
years we've been doing the podcast. Well, i've been doing
the podcast. You've just been here supporting. Remember I'm the start.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
I'm just kidding you are. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
But I brought Olivia here because, as I said, I
think a couple episodes ago, I think you just give
really great advice. You are such a great listener, you
have such great like world's perspective. I mean, you are
like training to be like somewhere in the psychological world.
So we're happy you're here. And basically this episode every
single month is going to be in center around like
(01:49):
clueless moments of all the kind. I got a lot
of stuff about relationships in the questionnaire that I asked
you guys on Instagram. Thank you all for responding. You
guys gave some really great things to work with today,
Like we got some tea to spill and to help
you with, and we're also going to open up about
some relationship clueless moments so that you guys don't feel
alone in this. But we're hoping that this will be
(02:12):
something that we can do every month and that you
guys enjoy. I love watching podcasts where hosts tells other
people's stories are responding to them giving advice, so I
wanted to bring that into completely clueless. So that's one update.
Number two update is that you may hear some ads
in my content. Now. I am poor. I am poor,
(02:35):
and I need money, even if it's like literally fifty cents.
Like these ads, you guys do not really give me
much money. It's not like I'm like, you know, reading
an ad yet we're hoping that will come. But every
pen accounts, every peny accounts during unemployment, so that is
the ads that you're hearing. Those are my two little
bitty updates that I wanted to give at the top
(02:55):
of this episode before we jump in, but also before
we jump in, I hope that you all follow TikTok
drama as much as I do. Literally, when there is
TikTok drama going on, like I am looking at every
single video about that drama, and if you were on
TikTok and infused in that world, you would know about
Pajama Gate. And right before this episode, I explained Pajama
(03:19):
Gate to Olivia. I'm not going to explain the whole
thing here because it is literally like such a long
lore and tail. But just go look up for the
mems on TikTok if you want to know the ins
and outs of the drama. But we were be prior
to this episode. We started looking up. We are big
(03:39):
fans of Skims. You love a Skims pajama.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I do love the Skims pajamas. You know, Skims and
Aloe are like my.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Two top fhaves, two top fhaves.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Yeah, of like comfy clothes.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, no, I agree, and they are on the expensive
er side. However, I think you're getting the quality for.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Those pjs, yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
And we were looking up.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
What did you say the Skims pajamas were made out
of micro model.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Micro Model and what you said primarily a form of Raylon.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Yeah, it's like a higher quality. So a lot of
modern clothes are made of plastic basically polyester raylon. And
then this thing micro Model, which I guess is like
a more I don't know saying it's more durable, it's
more breathable, it's like less prone to like shrinking in
(04:27):
the wash. Like something they said on there for the
MEM's website was like be careful, this will shrink, Like
shut the fuck.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Up, you cannot sell ninety eight dollars pajamas and then
give a disclaimer under it and say be where these
will shrink?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah, they do, And I'm like two out of the
four pajama sets. They're like, yeah, it says that because
like they're all over prints, which means they just printed
the pattern over the entire piece of clothing instead of
like vigil Again, yeah, I guess so, so it's yeah,
(05:05):
it's more prone to probably bleeding, like ink coming off, yeah,
and shrinking. But Raylan in general is prone to shrinking
because it's plastic, right, So you know when you like
heat up plastic and kind of shrivels, right, So that's why.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Right, And if you're gonna put those in the dryer exactly,
I wonder if they have like a tag that says
don't dry.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
They maybe do, I don't know, I don't remember. I
didn't see that. But they said, like it will be
careful of shrinkage. That's what they said.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Okay, Like I don't want to be a woman hater,
Like I don't want to be a woman hater, Like
I want to support women, and I don't want to
bring these women down because I bet they're like already
feeling enough heat around these fucking pajamas. However, I just
bought an eighty dollars of pajamas from Skims. I got
these adorable. I'll put a picture somewhere on the screen
(05:57):
and I will link them in the description. I got
these horrible gingerbread pajamas from Skims. I love Skims pajamas.
I have bought over. I don't know if they're overpriced.
I have bought expensive pajamas from Skims, like I.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Were cheaper than they usually are. Usually they're like one
hundred and twenty, right, and these were eighty yes, which
is cheaper than the the for the mems original price. Yeah,
ninety eight?
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Yes, Wait say that again because I kept interrupting. You
say that again? Say you that again.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
So the most Skims pajamas, right, are like more like
one hundred and twenty, but these, the gingerbread ones you got,
are more like only what eighty six or something? They
were eighty eighty okay, so, which is a lot cheaper.
And then the four of the mems they lowered the price,
but the original price was like ninety eight, right or something,
So it was more expensive than not really high quality
(06:46):
Skims PJ.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
I know, which is crazy wild now because I was like,
you know, when all of this talk came out about pajamas,
Like when I first got Skims pajamas, I got three sets,
and I'm gonna embarrassed myself here. It was a different
time I had. I got each set for one hundred
and twenty dollars. However, I got those nearly four or
(07:09):
five years ago. They are in great condition. However, I
do think Skims has what is the word reformatted, Yeah, redone.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Their sizing and their measurements kind.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Of not even the sizing, but like something that we
noticed was last Valentine's Day, Olivia got us a matching
pair of Skimms pajamas. They're so cute. They have little
cherries on them. And I literally have to wash these
pajamas every fucking two days because, yeah, and the band
is just so much softer versus the ones I got
(07:41):
four to five years ago. The band is so much tighter,
and they're the same size. Also the ones from four
to five years ago or so much longer. Like literally
they like there's like at least a couple of inches
past my foot versus the ones that you got last year.
And then the gingerbread ones I just got, which I
feel like we're both well worth the money because I
(08:03):
do live in my skims pajamas, Like I really, if
I am not leaving the house, my skims pajamas are
staying on. Yeah, Like I will just sit there all
day braless in my granny panties with my skims pajamas on. However, Yeah,
you're right, those ones that I.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Just bought were what a little cheaper.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
We're almost twenty dollars less than the original price, and
we're better quality. I don't know why I brought this
up on the podcast. I just love when you like
talk TikTok drama with me, but I want to hear
your guys' opinion, so you definitely have to like DM me.
I'll put a little like a message thing up on
Instagram because I just think this is so interesting and
I love the like ins and outs of everybody, just
(08:41):
like totally exposing them for just like trying to get
a quick buck.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
It's hard to be a small business on TikTok. Yeah,
a lot of small businesses get a lot of flack.
I feel like they're constantly under fire for one thing
or another, Like customer interactions because they're so public on
it on TikTok. As soon as like one thing goes
down with the customer, the customer puts it on TikTok
and then it blows up.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Yeah, well, I think that's just the world we live
in today, is like yeah, especially influencers, I think it's
very different. Like, you know, Kim Kardashian is behind this
huge like wall that even if like somebody were to
come out with a bad review, like.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
It just doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Yeah, it doesn't affect her like it affects these influencers
because they've built their online audience. And I think especially
somebody who like worked for a fashion brand and we
really focused a lot on our audience and had different
sectors of audience that we were aiming content at. I
think it's really interesting like these brand people like coming
(09:41):
out of the woodwork and making tiktoks about how like
they just didn't make a product for their audience. They
made the product they want to be an aspirational company
that can charge in ninety eight dollars for pajamas, but
they just aren't that there, and their audience isn't that
that's not what their audience is coming to them or
looking toward you know, I love taking I love dissecting
(10:03):
this stuff, Like I just think it's so fun. But
go get Skims pajamas. Like, and this not sponsored, not anything,
but like, if you're gonna spend ninety eight dollars eighty
dollars on pajamas, like, you might as well get quality ones.
And we've had really great success with the Skims pajamas.
I know that people also like like eber Jay, And also,
you do not need eighty ninety eight dollars pajamas. I
(10:25):
don't want to say that that is normal. It is
a luxury. Like I love to splurge on Skims again,
like when I have money, when I'm like, I want
to give myself a little treat. I quit my job.
I needed something to make me happy. Those are the
gingerbread pajamas. You know, I think it's great to spend,
but like you do, Like, for the longest time, I
wore just like my dad's old T shirts to bed.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Yeah I still do that, Yeah, yeah a lot of
the time.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Yeah. I feel like the only reason I started wearing
matching pajama sets was because it kind of helped my
mental health.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Well, it's fun. It's like a form of self care. Yeah,
you know you're dressing up a little with like intention
to go to sleep.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
You know it's cozy.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Yeah, I feel like it. Just yeah, it made me
feel better when I was in a dark time. It
made me feel especially like when I was like home
and going through like my depressive episode, Like it kind
of felt like an outfit if I put on matching pajamas.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Yeah, I mean compared to like underwear and an oversized
T shirt, it is an outfit. Yeah, It's something you
can answer the door in. So yeah, you know. So, yeah,
you're a little more put together.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Yeah. Yeah, Well that's pajamagate again. Just go on TikTok
if you want to hear the whole freak and thing.
Like I just think it's so fucking interesting in everything.
But we're now gonna sled on past that and we're
gonna move into our cooless moments. We wanted to talk
about some of our clueless moments when it comes to relationships,
because you guys were so open and vulnerable with us,
(11:52):
so we wanted to be open and vulnerable with you.
But I think you should share resor us because it's
a bit more.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Oh yeah, I mean, I just I don't know. You
told me that this would be a good one this
morning when we were watching Gilmore Girls. Yes, I don't.
I haven't. I'll catch episodes here and there as you're
watching them. Yeah, but there was the episode where Rory
was found out that Logan had been like sleep had
slept with other people while they were on a break
(12:21):
and she was so mad at him, like, yeah, oh,
we weren't broken up, right, Like he's saying, like we
were broken up, Like, I you know, I wasn't cheating
on you because we were broken up, and she's like,
we never said one hundred percent that we were broken up.
We were on a break, right. You have to say
that to a person when you're gonna break up with them.
And then she is like getting up to leave and
(12:43):
she's like, don't be home at this time so I
can get my stuff and she leaves and I'm like,
so did you break up with him? Is that a breakup?
Because she just did exactly what she said. She what
she said you weren't supposed to do. So I'm like,
but then you know they didn't end up breaking up
and nobody cheated on anybody, you know, because I think
that would have been really interesting if after she had
(13:07):
gone to that bar and hooked, like you had said,
hooked up with that guy.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
So she goes Rory goes to the college bar and
she meets she sees Doyle there and they're both like
drinking their sorrows about their relationships away and I couldn't remember.
I was like, oh my god, do they sleep together? Well?
Speaker 2 (13:23):
I feel like that would have been like an interesting
storyline because then it's like, oh, she just turned around
and did exactly what she's mad at Logan for doing. Yeah,
you know, they're on a break, it's not one hundred
percent shore nobody has said we're broken up now. And
then she turns around and you know, has rebound sets basically,
because that's what it sounded like he was doing at
(13:43):
the time, right, right, And it was rebound sex.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Right, And I think, and I get it because like
I've been in Rory's position where you go on a
break with somebody, or you break up with somebody and they,
you know, turn around and their coping mechanism is sleeping
with other people or or dating or like whatever it is.
And I am not the person like I don't cope
that way personally, However other people do, and so I
(14:06):
think when you don't cope that way, it's hard to
be like, it's did I mean anything to you? Like
why would you turn around and do this to me? However,
everybody has different coping skills, and I think obviously, like
Logan was explaining to her, those things didn't mean anything.
He was just caught up in his own.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Feeling rise and he had interpreted their fight or their
temporary break as a permanent breakup. That's what it sounded like.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah. So god, I'm trying to remember what happened and
why they broke up. Oh God, I forget I literally,
you guys. I watched like probably four or five episodes
of Gilmore Girls a day, Like I'm like, I think what.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Should have happened, ideally, in an ideal world is when
they got back together, he should have told her like, hey,
I slept around with some other people, just so you're aware,
a hundred percent, one hundred percent, yeah, because that would
have prevented the whole like embarrassing moment of that rory,
because I think she fell and embarrassed, yeah, around with
the bridesmaids. Yeah, talking about fucking her boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Yeah, if you haven't watched Gilmour's Basic Gilmore's, if you
haven't watched Gilmore Girls. If Rory finds out that Logan
slept with other people, Like there's this scene where all
the bridesmaids are talking about how they were hooking up
with Logan, like during the time that they were on
a break and she's like, you know, obviously embarrassed that
it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Yes, and she seems and that's why I think she
was hurt by it.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Right, So let's clear up this clueless moment for a second.
Do you believe because I think we've seen people that
go through breakups or take on break and they choose
to hook up with people and then they get back
together with their original partner. So you're pro say something
about it.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Yeah, I mean I think if, especially if you re
enter into the relationship. I don't think it's smart to
keep secrets in relationships. And that feels like it would
be like you'd be tiptoeing around it, like, oh, what
did you do while we were broken up? Like nothing,
like you know, I just you know, I thought of you,
(16:10):
Like that's it. Yeah, I don't know, like that feels
dishonest to me. So I don't think there's anything wrong
with rebound sex, and I don't think there's anything wrong
with like rebounding in general. It's a way that people cope,
you know. And there's nothing wrong with getting back together
with an X if that's the right move, you know.
But I think just like, don't re enter the relationship
(16:32):
with dishonesty. Yeah, like a skeleton in the closet kind
of thing, because it's gonna come out eventually, right, it
has to.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
That's my thing is that the truth always finds its
way out. It will always find its way out, whether
you want it to or not. And so I think
it's important to just uphold the honesty even if you're
afraid of how your partner will react, because I think
that once the trust is broken in a relationship, like
(17:00):
there is such low percentage of coming back from that
or for for anybody to ever feel secure in the
relationship again.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, it's hard to heal, yeah, you know, especially like
I think sometimes the truth, you know, the truth can hurt,
it can be really painful. But I think the recence,
like when you're honest kind of right away up front.
It does lessen the blow to an extent compared to
like if you've been hiding it for months or years.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Yeah, for sure. But also I think this whole like
Logan and Rory thing was super interesting because it like
brought up to me at least, I was like, where
the fuck is the communication?
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Yeah, I think it's interesting, like the kind of like
you said, the hypocrisy, Yeah, well, I think that's very common.
It's for people to expect something from their partner that
they don't give themselves to their.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Partner, right. So yeah, right, so she's like, I'm expecting you, right,
because because I didn't do anything, I'm expecting you to
do the same. But they didn't even really communicate about
where the fuck they were at. They just had this
blowout fight and then they stopped talking to each other.
So yeah, they both interpreted it completely different ways, like
dull like you can't read That's my biggest thing, is
(18:14):
like the whole you can't read my mind thing, And
I think that's like so true and why I try
to always be upfront and honest about you with you,
because like in the first two years of our relationship
where we had a little bit harder of a time
communicating with each other. I yeah, kind of like Rory,
I expected you to like know exactly how I was
feeling about things, and that's just like it's.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Not gonna happen. Yeah, that's not gonna happen, at least
not consistently enough, right you know, Yeah, or like when
it really matters.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Yeah. See, guys, this is why I gotta watch Gilmar girls.
It's teaching. It's giving you the lessons that you need
to know, Like, it's teaching you things. My clulest moment
is a little bit different. It's about us.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Oh my god, about us because they're in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
I said that my cleolest moment is and my cluest
moment has to do with my anxiety. And Olivia already
like knows this because there has been many times since
we've decided that we were going to move in together
where I was just like I would have these spirals
of anxiety and I'd be like, what are we gonna
do if we don't want to hang out with each other?
(19:19):
Like where are we going to go? Like? Where what
am I gonna do if you don't want to hang
out with me? And what are you going to do
if you don't want to hang out with me?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Where?
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Like what if I just want to be in a
bed by myself again? Oh my god, I'm never going
to have my own room again. So I have these
anxiety spirals, and I think that is like my clueless
moment is.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
Like how are we gonna adjust?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
How are we going to adjust to living together? And
how do two people in a romantic relationship adjust to
living together? Because it's so different from living with a
friend and everything. There's just such a we have such
an you know, obviously, like an intimate connection, like a
deeper connection than I have with one of my friends.
And so I think I am not anxious or worried
(20:03):
about us moving in together. I think we've cultivated a
space where we can communicate with each other. However, because
I have a generalized anxiety disort of like it, I'm
just like, oh God, like, how are we gonna figure
it out? And I know it's just like we got
to figure it out, We got to go through the steps.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
I mean, I think it makes sense because you are
the only girl in your family. You've always had your
own room, you've always had your own space, You've never
really had to share with someone. And my sister and
I shared a room up until, like, I don't know,
I was probably twelve or thirteen. Yeah, you know, so
(20:42):
I'm do you.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Want to know a secret?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
What?
Speaker 1 (20:44):
I hate sharing?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
I know you do it.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
I hate daring you guys like I have the worst,
Like I like I was one of those girls, like
I like when people ask to borrow my things, like
it gives me anxide, Like I'm like, no, Like what
if you don't give it back? What if it's damage?
What if it's this Like?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
And I think it's okay to have some things that
are yours, you know, that are personal and that you
you know. I'm not just gonna like pick up without
asking necessarily, but I think a lot of things will
kind of you know, when you are with a person
in a you know, in a and you're progressing through
(21:26):
the steps of a romantic relationship, your lives get really
tangled up together.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
I know, I'm interested to see what our lives will
look like. I think we were doing this card game
last night and it asked us, like, what stage of
your relationship do you guys think I think you're in?
And I said, we're on the precipice, because I feel
like we're on like we are in this like waiting,
this holding area because you know, we think we found
a place in the city. Knock on wood, like please God, please, yeah,
(21:53):
knock on that wood, and you know, we're it's a
bit of a process to like have it figure it
out and thing, and I'm just like it's so close.
It's so close, Like we are so close, and I'm
just like I want to pull it like closer in
because yeah, I just feel like in this holding area,
on this precipice of the next chapter of our relationship,
(22:15):
and I want to start building our life together. And
so I think sometimes my anxiety like will recognize that
we're in this unknown area and it's like, oh God,
like how are you going to adjust to this? And whatever. However,
we've spent four years together, I'm like almost you know,
obviously we can't know everything about living together, and I
think I know a lot of things about how you function,
(22:37):
and like we've personally had like conversations together about like
I'm a little bit more needy and that like I'm
gonna have to like let Olivia get their space and
also like let me have my Space, and you know,
I think we've been doing a pretty good job so
far at navigating it. It was hard at the beginning
when we started looking for apartments, like we said a
couple episodes ago, but yeah, I want to to like
(23:00):
bring that clueless moment up again because I had a
friend as well that I said to her. I was like, god,
like I started getting all this anxiety about never having
my own room again, and she was like, no, Sarah,
like I get that, Like when I moved in with
my partner, I was like, holy shit, like I don't
have my own bed. But then she said, Luckily you
have a mother that loves you. And if you ever
(23:23):
really need like a night to yourself, like you just
go home. Let's get into this month's clueless column again.
We're talking all about relationships and things like that. So
the first question for us, babe, is why do I
keep dating emotionally avoidant men.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Now.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
I wrote out a little bit of an answer to
this one because I want to see if I'm becoming
a therapist without ever studying it. I'm trying. My mom
is also a therapist, like Olivia, and so like, I
feel like I get a lot of things from you
guys about like how you interact with patients. So I
want to know if I'm doing the same. Okay, ready,
So I think that you keep dating emotionally avoidant men
(24:06):
because there is less risk in dating an emotionally avoidant man.
They're like, so because he is avoidant and not sharing
his feelings and stuff like that, you don't have to
go there either, because if he were being open and
honest and vulnerable, you know, you'd probably fall harder and
your feelings would get more involved, and therefore there's more
(24:29):
at risk for you. There's more to lose there. What
do you think about that? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:34):
I think that tracks. I mean, I think my first
kind of thought is is it you that's only seeking
out avoidant men or is it just that the majority
of men in our country at this moment are emotionally
avoidant because they don't learn, babe, and so it's hard
to find emotionally available men in your pool of fish.
(24:58):
You know, say that.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Louder for the people in the bath. That was so good?
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Yeah, Like, I don't know if it's you think or
if it's just your options are unfortunately limited, and maybe
the real question is how do you handle that?
Speaker 1 (25:12):
When your options are limited.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
When yeah, when you like, when all of your options
are emotionally avoidant, what do you do about that? How
do you handle it?
Speaker 1 (25:21):
That's a really great question.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
But I think, I mean, I think you know, you
what you said has value too. I think, you know,
I think sometimes we do seek out relationships that we
know it's like self sabotaging essentially, Yeah, to keep ourselves
safe because we know what to expect when people are unavailable.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Yeah, those are Yeah, that's two really good routes. Because
I have to say, especially after everything with like the
election and everything, and you know, hearing a few men's
opinions that I did not agree with, I just feel
like men, yeah, they don't think about anything but themselves.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Well, it's really I mean, it's unfortunate. You know, people
talk about like the male loneliness epidemic, and I think
it is. I think it really is. What is that?
It's that men don't have relationships, they don't have close
friends that they can talk to, and now people women
don't want to date them, and so we traditionally men
(26:26):
relied on rely on women as like an emotional support, Yeah,
their mother and then eventually their wife, right, is the
only person that they can cry in front of, the
only person that they can hug or touch, you know,
not even sexually, but just like sensual, like physically old hands. All. Yeah,
And now that you know, women aren't really putting up
(26:48):
with a lot of people's ship anymore, with a lot
of men shit anymore necessarily, it's you know, it's a
lot harder for people for men to find that kind
of connection. They don't have that within their friends, if
they even have friends, you know. Yeah, and so it's yeah,
the male loneliness epidemic.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
Okay, I see. So let's say it's okay, let's give
option A and B. So if it's A, and this
person is not wanting to, yeah, find maybe a more
emotionally available man because they're trying to self sabotage. How
can you work through the self sabotage or recognize that
(27:28):
you're self sabotaging?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I mean, okay. So a very common catchphrase of CBT, right,
cognitive behavioral therapy is catch it, check it, change it.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Oh, with like like this is what I do with
anxious thoughts exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So when you notice that you're you know, I guess
I don't know responding to lack of care, lack of commitment,
lack of emotional availability, and you're leaning towards that, say, cat,
catch it, notice yourself doing it and say, like, you know,
(28:04):
what's going on? What am I feeling? What am I
looking for from this person? And do I really want that?
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Yeah? Yeah, that's I think that's a big question in
all this. Yeah, it's like do I want this guy
to actually give me more? Like I am seeking?
Speaker 2 (28:22):
What are you looking for out of this interaction, this relationship?
And if you're looking for sex, then emotional availability doesn't matter.
But if you're looking for emotional availability, you're not going
to find that in an emotionally unavailable.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Person, right, So if you are seeking emotional availability, and yeah,
let's say you know you keep getting these emotionally avoided
men like yeah, so is that like hey, like recognizing
that and then saying like, I'm not going to get
involved myself with this person and I'm going to move
on and continue to like filter through and try and
(28:55):
find that that guy that gives me that emotional availability
that I'm looking for.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Yeah. Ultimately, I mean I guess it comes down to
not settling or not like, yeah, recognizing that that's not
what you want or I think I think sometimes it is.
And that goes back to people self sabotaging, right, So
you need to sort of address that as you know,
what am I protecting myself from? You know what am
(29:20):
I trying to avoid or keep myself safe from? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (29:25):
You know?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Is it rejection? Is it abandonment? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Because I this is not to make it about me,
but it reminds me of when those like first two
years where I would never tell you how I actually
felt about something. And I think one, I had gotten
in a habit of doing that for my prior relationship
and had to realize that that was no longer protecting
or serving me. But I think number two was the
(29:48):
abandonment factor, was like I was terrified that if I
told you how I actually felt about things, that you
were going to up and leave me, and that I
would ruin our relationship by being honest.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Yeah. Yeah, And I think that, I mean, the fear
of abandonment or fear of rejection is something is at
the root of a lot.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Of Yeah, like why do I want to cry right now?
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, We're like in theory, it's yeah, I mean abandonment
and rejection are I would say the two biggest like
most innate human fears, because as human beings we are
in social creatures. We thrive and survive with community, and
(30:32):
so the idea of being cast out or like you know,
abandoned to offend for ourselves is very It sends off
like survival threats. Yeah, you know, it feels very life threatening,
like fight or flight exactly. So it's yeah, and then
we can of course go into like attachment style thing
and how you're and then it goes back to your
(30:53):
parents fucking you up, and.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Like it's so funny because my mom will always say,
like we have to, like, guys, just a race everything
everything you think you know about attachment and go to
an actual doctor. Do not learn your attachment style on TikTok,
like please, for god's sake, My mom works with women
in their twenties, and like she is constantly coming home
(31:15):
and saying, like what the fuck is TikTok saying about
anxious attachment style because it's not right, Like everybody in
their mother thinks that they have anxious attachment style, like
and it's just not true. So if you really want
to know your attachment style, they go to somebody like
please do not think get it from TikTok, like you know,
but then option B. There's just a lot more un of.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Right, I think that's like the yeah, the availability. Yes,
there's just not a lot of options.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
There's not a lot of emotionally available men.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Right now, unfortunately, which is sad. Yeah, it is, it is.
And I mean I think, yeah, that's not like a
U problem to solve. That's like a culture problem. And
I don't think it's going to be solved to any
time soon, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
Yeah. Okay, well let's move on to the next one.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
I really liked that everybody suffers from the patriarchy, including
men period.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Oh my job, men fucking suck. No, I know they don't.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
They don't.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
No, No, I'm not going to be a man hater either.
I just think I recognize too, like even looking at
my own brothers, my own dad, my cousins, like I
grew up as the only women woman in my fam
like of the kids and cousins and my family and
I and I do I think it's real that that
men are Yeah, they don't emote, and I think.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
That was anger. It's the only safe emotion that they're
allowed to express is anger.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
Yeah, and I think that was another huge reason. Like
with me coming out as bisexual, was just like every
time I was with a guy, I felt so emotionally
disconnected from them. I felt like I had they did
not understand me. I did not understand them, Like there
was just like it was so on the surface, it
(33:10):
was so sexually driven, and so now what that we
have like a very big emotional like I'm like, none
of those really like that. Those people didn't even know
who the fuck. I was like, I'm not gonna get
into it, but like yeah, like I just yeah, it's
it's kind of crazy to see. And I know something
for me when I'm thinking and speaking about my sexuality
and people are like, oh, like you know, I was like, yeah,
(33:32):
I'm like sexually attracted to men, but like emotionally like
there's nothing there. It's like somebody's knocking. No one's home,
Like you know, okay, let's move forward. I went on
it ooh okay. I went on an amazing date last week.
Good for you. Like we talked for hours, laughed a ton,
and they even texted me afterwards to say they had
(33:53):
a great time. Well that's good, but but now it's
been a week and I haven't heard anything since I
don't want to double text and seem desperate, but I
also really liked them. Should I reach out or do
I just let it go double text? I was going
to say the same thing, reach out. Yeah, I hate
(34:13):
the texting games, you guys, I hate the texting games.
But I think I think I can only say I
hate the texting games because you put those texting games
to rest for.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Me, I don't. Yeah, I don't play the texting games. Yeah,
it's stupid. It is.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
It's so stupid.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Like I'm not trying to mind read again, it comes
back to you can't read the other person's mind. I'm
not going to pretend make up this whole story about
why you haven't texted me back. I'm just gonna say, like, hey,
are we yeah you know so Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
I think if they texted you back after the date seging,
they had an amazing time. Obviously they their intentions were true,
and they said they had a good time, and like
I especially, look, I don't know much about like dating
because we've been in a relationship since I was twenty
two years old. However, what I do think, especially in
the early stages, Like from watching my friends go through
(35:06):
it is that yes, you had an amazing date, but
like maybe at this point, like you're not like the
top priority and stuff, and so that person still has
a life and things going on. And I know that,
like sometimes when I'm anxious, I don't answer text messages
because they bring up anxious feelings or possible rejection or whatever.
(35:27):
So yeah, maybe that person is scared about double texting
themselves because they just texted you that they just had
that they had a great time. So yeah, why not
reach out, because yeah, the worst thing that could happen
is a no. And I'm thinking about Alana Done. She
has an amazing podcast called Seeing Other People, which is
a dating podcast, and I remember she spoke about how
(35:48):
her now husband they broke the dating roles. He had
reached out to her on a dating app and she
didn't answer. She didn't answer, She just like let it go.
And then he double texted her a week later and said, hey, like,
I you know, I'd love to get to know you
or something, you know, whatever he said. And now they're married,
(36:08):
you know, so not saying that you're marrying this person,
but like I would.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Just go for it.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
I mean, if you like them, I feel like there's
literally nothing really You either let it go and don't
talk to them right ever again basically because you abandoned
the relationship whatever. Or you text and they don't respond
and you're in the same place that you were if
you hadn't texted exactly, or you text and they do
respond and then you go on another date and it's
(36:34):
a lot of fun and who knows there. Yeah, yeah,
take the risk, I think, so take the risk. Okay.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
I chose this question because it helps me feel like
I'm doing something right. On this podcast, it says I've
recently started exploring my sexuality and coming out to some
close friends.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Good for you, No.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
Seriously, go for you, Like it's really fucking scary.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
It is hard.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
I texted my friends.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
About especially now, like in the world we're living in.
Good for you, that's fantastic.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
I might be. I think I might be bisexual or
pan sexual because I've dated men before, But sometimes I
wonder if that was just me following heteronormative expectations. The
thing is, I have no idea where to start when
it comes to exploring relationships with women. I've never dated
or been with a woman before, and I'm terrified of
(37:28):
messing it up or doing something wrong. I feel kind
of stuck and unsure about how to take the next step. Okay,
so Ile smiled and laughed when you said messing it up,
because like we're four years into our relationship and I
know you don't identify as a woman, but I always
feel like I'm not doing things right sexually, and I
(37:57):
don't think I like, lately, I've been feeling better because
we've been communicating about it. But I think that.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
I'm curious to get your opinion on this, like because
there is this like lack of representation in media and
like in sex said classes about how to have people,
how to have sex with like the same h what
is an anatomy? Anatomy? There we go. There's just like
more of a lack of education.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Mm hmm. Yeah, I mean I think I don't know.
I don't believe the stereotypes you always see the like
jokes about lesbians and media where it's like like I
came ten times last night, we went for seventeen hours,
like we're about to go for another.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
Like no, seriously, Like I guys, like I'm like Olivia
saying that right now, and I'm like, I literally like
I succumb to those expectations, like yeah, it's so common
that in the woman loving woman community it's like we
fucked for twenty four hours. I've never came like this
in my life. I'm just squirting all over the bedroom.
(39:11):
And then when that does it happen.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
It's like squirting all over the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
It's like I'm not queer. What have I done wrong?
Like whatever, God, it's sex or whatever. Yeah, yeah, and
that's just not true. I don't know, Like I mean,
I'm sure some people out there are having sex for
twenty four hours and.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Good for you, but it's not everybody. I'd say the
majority of people don't really want that. Maybe I also think,
I don't know, think about when, like if you've had
sex with a man, like the first time you did that,
like did you really know what was going on? Did
you really know what to do? Not really?
Speaker 1 (39:57):
And I'm thinking maybe in this moment, like maybe when
you first have sex with a man, you feel more
confident about it because what our society is saying, and
our society is saying that that kind of sex is right,
there's you don't need to feel any shame or embarrassment
about it. But I know, for me personally, when we,
you know, started doing things, I'm not going to expose us.
(40:20):
When we first started getting together, like I was having
a lot of trouble of feeling okay with what I
was doing, not because of you or because of anything,
but because of you know, just growing up in an
environment where this wasn't okay or it wasn't talked about
(40:43):
or whatever.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
We had a lot of trouble seeing our sex as sex.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yes, for a while, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Had without like a penis being involved.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
Yeah I had trouble, like, yeah, have feeling sorry words,
I had trouble feeling like our sex was valid because
there wasn't a penis involved. And so I think for
a while it was like there was something missing and
that made me spiral anxiety wise, of course, like it
made me spiral about my sexuality. But now years later,
(41:15):
I sort of realized that the man was taking up
so much of the space and the air in my
past sexual relationships, like it it like, sure there were
parts and sections that may be focused on me, but
it was never really about me and my pleasure, like
I think it always came back to the guy, you know,
(41:38):
the insertion, oh my god, how my parents aren't listening
to it? The you know, the penetration part always came
at the end and like you know, it's and then
it's over because they're done, right. And so I think
when we started having sex, like I was like, wait,
what this Like the spotlight is on me, like like
(41:59):
I was.
Speaker 2 (41:59):
Like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Yeah, And I think it just felt like you know,
like yeah, like my experience was like supposed to be
a part of this, and I was like, oh wait,
I don't know what to do with myself. And now
years later, like I don't struggle with that at all personally,
Like I've got been able to get over that hump.
And like, I guess I say all this to say,
like to give yourself grace in the process, because I
(42:22):
think I, yeah, I gave myself a lot of anxiety
and beat myself up a lot because of all of
these thoughts that I was having. When you know, I
think it's only normal that as you're coming out and
exploring yourself, you think about a lot of things and
you're confronted with a lot of things that when you
were keeping it inside you didn't have to face. Yeah,
(42:45):
I guess like do you. I mean, I feel like
you are good with like the mindset of like going
up to people and interacting, Like, do you have any
any any advice around that?
Speaker 2 (42:55):
Meet people, try things, communicate. I think if you someone
you want to have sex with and they want to
have sex with you, like tell them what you want.
If you don't know what you want, look in the
mirror and try things and figure out what you want,
what you like, what you don't like.
Speaker 1 (43:16):
Yeah, And I feel like the quote unquote right person.
But I just think like there are people out there
that are empathetic and an understanding and when you say like, hey,
I'm new to this, like they won't be turned off
by it, and they won't be put off by it.
There are kind people in this world that I think
(43:38):
will regardless if this is like yeah, like a dating
thing or a one night stand sort of thing.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
You also, like, don't have to tell people that it's
your first time or that you're not experienced.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Take it until you make it.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
You don't have to. You can just they you can
leave the situation and they can just in their head
think you're bad at sex and that's you don't need
to know. They don't they don't need to know why.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
That's a great piece of event, you know.
Speaker 2 (43:58):
Like just pretend that, yeah, that you've fucked plenty of
people or the women you know, and go for it
and yeah, and then you kind of learn. I guess
as you go. I mean, the more you do something,
the better you get at it. I think.
Speaker 1 (44:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
But then also, you know, every individual is different and
likes different things and is going to enjoy or not
enjoy different things, and so it's always kind of a
you know, a different situation depending on who you're with.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
Yeah, I think there's no right way to have sex.
We always talk about that because I always bring up
that I feel like I'm doing things right or I'm
not good at this or that.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
Then you know, I guess I'm like, did you have fun?
Did I have fun? Great? Like that's all that really mattered?
Speaker 1 (44:46):
Yeah, Yeah, for sure. Yeah, But I think you're I
think you're what you opened this up with is so right?
Speaker 2 (44:52):
Is that?
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Like I think a lot of the stereotypes about what
women loving women queer sex is supposed to be like
can get in the wa way and can really make
you feel like bad about yourself if that is not
how your sex is. And like let's be like you said,
let's be honest, like what five percent, ten percent, twenty
percent like of people are having sex like that?
Speaker 2 (45:15):
Yeah, I mean, I don't I don't know, I don't
have an yeah, exact statistic, but yeah, I mean, and
I think within the the lesbian community, the women loving
women community, that can also be a lot of like
like sexual kind of bragging almost and like or like
yeah we we you know, use crazy toys and like
(45:37):
I don't know, and that you know, it's not necessarily.
Speaker 1 (45:41):
It's probably projecting.
Speaker 2 (45:44):
Everything's projecting.
Speaker 1 (45:44):
Everybody's projecting you, guys, Like just just remember that. But
congratulations on coming out, Like it's a really big deal.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
And if you're not sure about your label, don't stress
about it. Read the Lesbian master Doc.
Speaker 1 (45:57):
Period.
Speaker 2 (45:59):
We'll put a link.
Speaker 1 (46:00):
Well, I'll put a link. Olivia will send me a link,
and I'll put the Lesbian master Doc link in the description.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
Because it's all about like, you know, understanding your compulsory
heterosexuality and stuff.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
Yeah, because let me tell you, like that still plays
a role to me every single day. It's taken a
lot of therapy to like undo it and to see
the world in a different place. But let me tell
you when you get further into it and see the
world in a different place, like talking about men, like
I feel like men are so like not a part
of my life. Like when I walk into a room
(46:29):
that is majority men, I'm.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
Like, ah, it's the four B movement exactly.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
I'm just like, what are you guys doing here? Like
what are you doing here? I'm like, oh my god.
And honestly, something that I've realized about myself, like because
I went to like a more straight bar at the
beginning of September, and I remember I used to walk
into straight bars even at the beginning of our relationship,
and I was like, what do all of these men
(46:55):
in this room think about me? What do they think
about how I look, about the way I'm behaving, et cetera. Uh.
Now I walk into a stray bar or a predominantly
mail room and I could give literally less of a
fuck about what they think about me, about what I'm
worrying about my weight, etc. But literally, for so many
years of my life, all through college, I'd walk into
like a frat party, Whatever do these guys think I'm hot,
(47:17):
Do they care about the way that I look like whatever?
So hopefully just know that that's coming for you and
it's really great. All right, we have reached our final submission,
and let me tell you, guys, this one is good.
This one is tea and I read it and I
was like, oh my gosh, we got to help this person.
I gotta help them through. Okay, So this one says, Okay,
I feel horrible even saying this, but I think I
(47:39):
might have a crush on one of my partner's friends.
They're just really funny and charming, and I catch myself
thinking about them way more than I should. I love
my partner and I don't want to mess up what
we have, but I feel so guilty about these feelings.
What do I do with this? Is this normal? So
do you want to know my first thought with this?
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (48:01):
My first thought is are your feelings strong enough to
break up what you currently have?
Speaker 2 (48:09):
Mm? Hm?
Speaker 1 (48:10):
You know, yeah, Like, is what you're feeling towards this
person strong enough deep enough, like even if they know it,
or not to say goodbye to your other relationship?
Speaker 2 (48:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Hm? However, I also think not like the in the
conversation of is this normal? Like, I do think that
cheating is a thing, not saying that you're gonna cheat
or well cheat whatever, Cheating is a thing. So we
obviously know that people get into relationships and then are
able to form feelings, emotions, sexual desires for other people. However,
(48:49):
I think that sometimes people also get into this grass
is greener on the other side thing where it's like,
you know, I am unfulfilled in what I have, so
I'm looking outward.
Speaker 2 (49:04):
Yeah, I think that was my first thought. It's like,
what do you what are you seeing in the friend
that you don't see in your partner that you want
from your partner, or like what feels like it's missing
in your current relationship that is turning your head kind
of Yeah, And then I think it's a question of
(49:25):
can you get that from your current partner? Is that
something you can communicate that you want and that you
know or can you not? Yeah? And then it's like
do you need that thing or do you not need that?
Speaker 1 (49:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (49:40):
That's a tough one though, especially a friend, you know,
because that can really blow up a whole circle, like
kind of dynamite, you know, because then like especial friend.
Speaker 1 (49:52):
It's their partner's friend.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
So it's like, Okay, then you're gonna you know, you
might not the friend might not even be comfortable going
with you, right because they're friend. I wonder if it's
a little messy.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
Yeah, if you want to give a follow up, like
have you already made relations with the other with the
other person or.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
Does a person know, like did they like you too? Right?
Is there back and forth or are you just kind
of charmed by them?
Speaker 1 (50:20):
Yeah, because I think like it's normal for people in
relationships to be charmed by other people, to like, you know,
to think, oh this person's attractive or oh they're funny.
But obviously you're experiencing feelings that are making you question
your own relationship, which I've you know, I haven't experienced
that where it's like, you know, like obviously, like I
(50:42):
can walk down the street and be like, oh, this
person's attractive. Like we were literally we were watching James
Charles like sing his new song by the campfire, and
I turned to a Livy and I said, the guy
that's playing the violin, he's cute, but I you know,
I'm not gonna leave.
Speaker 2 (50:58):
You for him.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:00):
Yeah, I feel like there's usually a difference between a
crush that is like pulling you away from your current
partner and just like a passing like acknowledgment of I
don't know, the fantasy sort.
Speaker 1 (51:15):
Of yeah, you know, yeah, I think that's important.
Speaker 2 (51:18):
Yeah, and if that and if it's more of like
a serious crush, then yeah, I would say, what are
you lacking in your current relationship that's in allowing you
to sort of turn your head and can you get
that in your current relationship? Yeah, that's a that's a
great piece because maybe maybe they feel like, you know,
(51:38):
their current relationship is missing the funniness or whatever kind
of things that about.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
They said that they were really funny and.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
Charming, right, so yeah, so maybe like you're missing, like
what you're not getting something in your current partner. You know,
you're not like feeling wooed by them or romanced by them,
which can happen I think in long term. Yeah, you
can become very i don't know, de sexualized or like
(52:10):
kind of not super intimate outside of sex, like just
sort of yeah, not romantic.
Speaker 1 (52:15):
I guess, yeah, yeah, we started. You know, I love
a couple of card games, like I think that they
are should be a cornerstone of every relationship because I
think that you, yeah, we've been in a relationship for
a long time. You've been in a relationship for a
long time, and yeah, when when life gets hard and stressful,
(52:36):
like for example, like you guys know, like I quit
my job, I moved, Like things have been really fucking
stressful for me, and you know, I think that that
can contribute to our like our relationship, we you know,
can get in very much into like all right, like
let's meet our basic needs, let's you know, go to bed.
But then when I found these cards on the TikTok
(52:57):
shop and I just thought they were cute, so I
ordered them and they were pretty cheap. But when we've
the last couple of times we've seen each other, we
started doing these cards again, and I think, like it
just reminds me why I love them, because they open
up conversations and funny moments and just like things that
like if yeah, if you're if you're not thinking about
these like questions and they wouldn't come up, Like the
(53:18):
other day we answered this question about what's it called about?
Like what we would do if like like everything in
the in the world stopped, like everything in the world
stopped and it was just us. We had twenty four
hours so basically do whatever we wanted, and that was
it was just so funny. We were like, yeah, like
(53:38):
we're gonna.
Speaker 2 (53:38):
Go like first off, rob a bank, rob.
Speaker 1 (53:42):
A bank, get a bunch of money, and then I
was like okay, yeah, and then we got to like
steal a Porsche because I've always wanted a Porsche, and
like we were like, oh yeah, we're gonna go to
your old place of work and like and have them.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
Like shout that. Like it was just like a day
of crime.
Speaker 1 (53:56):
Like it was just so funny and so right, and
like that brought up like we were like thing and giggling, right,
and like you know, like sure if we went out
to dinner, we could still have like a fun but
like it just brought up something new and different, you know.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
So I like those card games too.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
Yeah, I love card games like I love them. I
think they're so great, especially for communication in romantic relationships.
As somebody that has struggled with communication, I just think
it opens up this comfortable space.
Speaker 2 (54:26):
Absolutely, it paves the way for like more intimacy and
more emotional connection because the questions will cause you to
answer them, tell a story, and then the story triggers
something else and you go down another path or the
you know, the person you're playing with, we'll think of something.
You know. It just really facilitates kind of meaningful conversation.
Speaker 1 (54:46):
Right, and for sure that one was like a funny one.
Like this this one, they have two sides. That one
was like a silly one, and then they also have
sides that are thoughtful and deep and yeah, and I
think again, like they just pose questions that I wouldn't
think about. But yeah, when I have you answer it
like it it Yeah, it just lets me into you more.
(55:07):
So this this has gotten off like what our help
was to you. But yeah, like you said, I think.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
Yeah, examine your relationship, like what are you missing that's
leaving you unsatisfied?
Speaker 1 (55:19):
Yeah, And the last thing I'll leave you with is
that if you are like thinking about stepping out from
your relationship, just just break up with the person before
you do anything.
Speaker 2 (55:29):
Cheating is not very nice.
Speaker 1 (55:30):
Cheating is not I don't condone cheating. I won't judge
you if you do it, but I just think that
it's better to close the chapter before you step out.
And it's okay, for you to if you if you're like, hey,
this this I am not, this is not this is
this is the thing I'm not getting from my relationship
and I don't think I can get it or I
don't think I want it from this person. And you
(55:53):
decide to leave them, that is totally fine, Like you
are free will to do that, and I just think, like,
be a good person, you know, and thank you for
trusting us with that information, like good luck.
Speaker 2 (56:05):
That's a sticky suggestion, that is.
Speaker 1 (56:06):
A sticky situation. I would not want to be in
your position, like I'm just go. But that's all of
our submissions that we have. Thank you guys so much
for all of these really great and vulnerable like moments
and for trusting us with your cluelest moments. I really
enjoyed picking these out and like getting to talk with them,
(56:28):
get to talk about them with you. I think again,
you're just like so intelligence and I would have never
thought of like those like Olivia gave the good responses
like I just gave like the funny like you had
said a good advice.
Speaker 2 (56:43):
Don't discount yourself.
Speaker 1 (56:44):
Anyways, let's wrap this up. Thank you guys so much
for listening to this week's episode, and again, thank you
so much for all of your submissions. We will be
doing this again in December. I think that'll be the
last episode before the holidays, and our next one is
going to be all about family and like holidays or
just like things that center around the holidays, So start
thinking about your clueless moments for that. And I also
(57:05):
think that I'm gonna put up a Google form so
that like a lot of these were like DM to
me in like separate things, or they were like put
in a lot of different like questions, submissions and Instagram.
So I think it'll be easier if I make like
a form for you guys, so you can read out
all the I love details. I love details like I
love the idiomid like it helps us get get you
to the best advice. So I will put that up
(57:26):
for next month. However, in the meantime, do not forget
to follow the Completely Cloless podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and
YouTube at completely Clueless Pod. Also, because I'm on a
new platform, this podcast is officially available anywhere you can
get your podcasts. That's right, Like iHeartRadio, Amazon Music like
it is everywhere now and if it isn't let me
(57:47):
know because then I need to make sure I'm doing
something right in this platform. But it should be available everywhere.
I put the video up on Spotify and YouTube, So
go subscribe on YouTube tube and you can follow me
and my personal journey at Sarah Alice Lyddy on TikTok
and Instagram. Do not follow Olivia. Even if you follow,
even if you see their like what is it called
(58:08):
tag user name, Olivia will block you. Olivia doesn't want
to be famous, so just like leave them alone alone.
Give all of your following.
Speaker 2 (58:15):
Energy to me.
Speaker 1 (58:17):
Thank you guys so much for listening again, have a
terrific Tuesday, a wonderful week, and don't forget to be
motherfucking clueless. That's right, baby, all right, bye you guys. Bye,
Hello, my clueless queens. Welcome back to the Completely Clueless podcast.
I am your host, Sarah Alice Liddy and I have
our clueless captain Aka are residential therapist that I am
exploiting my partner.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Olivia, I'm not licensed.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Take everything we say today with a grain of salt.
They will be licensed one day. I do believe in you, babe.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Speak to your doctor about everything.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Speak to your doctor. We're only giving advice, but you
do give really great advice.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Thanks for being here.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
I'm happy.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
I'm happy. Oh you're happy? Yes? Do you think you're
going to yawn today?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I hope not? Oh god.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
And we have some other spotful guests with us. But Tunior,
you want to introduce yours.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
This is Jeremy.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Olivia got these off the TikTok shop and what are
they called? Kapubaras, kay bars, happy Barras. So they're here today.
There are a little in studio audience and they're going
to be helping you with all your clueless moments about relationships.
So today is our first Clueless column episode. I'm very
excited to start doing this. You know we've been doing
Clueless moments for the entirety of like the nearly three
(01:20):
years we've been doing the podcast. Well, i've been doing
the podcast. You've just been here supporting. Remember I'm the start.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
I'm just kidding you are. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
But I brought Olivia here because, as I said, I
think a couple episodes ago, I think you just give
really great advice. You are such a great listener, you
have such great like world's perspective. I mean, you are
like training to be like somewhere in the psychological world.
So we're happy you're here. And basically this episode every
single month is going to be in center around like
(01:49):
clueless moments of all the kind. I got a lot
of stuff about relationships in the questionnaire that I asked
you guys on Instagram. Thank you all for responding. You
guys gave some really great things to work with today,
Like we got some tea to spill and to help
you with, and we're also going to open up about
some relationship clueless moments so that you guys don't feel
alone in this. But we're hoping that this will be
(02:12):
something that we can do every month and that you
guys enjoy. I love watching podcasts where hosts tells other
people's stories are responding to them giving advice, so I
wanted to bring that into completely clueless. So that's one update.
Number two update is that you may hear some ads
in my content. Now. I am poor. I am poor,
(02:35):
and I need money, even if it's like literally fifty cents.
Like these ads, you guys do not really give me
much money. It's not like I'm like, you know, reading
an ad yet we're hoping that will come. But every
pen accounts, every peny accounts during unemployment, so that is
the ads that you're hearing. Those are my two little
bitty updates that I wanted to give at the top
(02:55):
of this episode before we jump in, but also before
we jump in, I hope that you all follow TikTok
drama as much as I do. Literally, when there is
TikTok drama going on, like I am looking at every
single video about that drama, and if you were on
TikTok and infused in that world, you would know about
Pajama Gate. And right before this episode, I explained Pajama
(03:19):
Gate to Olivia. I'm not going to explain the whole
thing here because it is literally like such a long
lore and tail. But just go look up for the
mems on TikTok if you want to know the ins
and outs of the drama. But we were be prior
to this episode. We started looking up. We are big
(03:39):
fans of Skims. You love a Skims pajama.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I do love the Skims pajamas. You know, Skims and
Aloe are like my.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Two top fhaves, two top fhaves.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Yeah, of like comfy clothes.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, no, I agree, and they are on the expensive
er side. However, I think you're getting the quality for.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Those pjs, yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
And we were looking up.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
What did you say the Skims pajamas were made out
of micro model.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Micro Model and what you said primarily a form of Raylon.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Yeah, it's like a higher quality. So a lot of
modern clothes are made of plastic basically polyester raylon. And
then this thing micro Model, which I guess is like
a more I don't know saying it's more durable, it's
more breathable, it's like less prone to like shrinking in
(04:27):
the wash. Like something they said on there for the
MEM's website was like be careful, this will shrink, Like
shut the fuck.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Up, you cannot sell ninety eight dollars pajamas and then
give a disclaimer under it and say be where these
will shrink?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah, they do, And I'm like two out of the
four pajama sets. They're like, yeah, it says that because
like they're all over prints, which means they just printed
the pattern over the entire piece of clothing instead of
like vigil Again, yeah, I guess so, so it's yeah,
(05:05):
it's more prone to probably bleeding, like ink coming off, yeah,
and shrinking. But Raylan in general is prone to shrinking
because it's plastic, right, So you know when you like
heat up plastic and kind of shrivels, right, So that's why.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Right, And if you're gonna put those in the dryer exactly,
I wonder if they have like a tag that says
don't dry.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
They maybe do, I don't know, I don't remember. I
didn't see that. But they said, like it will be
careful of shrinkage. That's what they said.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Okay, Like I don't want to be a woman hater,
Like I don't want to be a woman hater, Like
I want to support women, and I don't want to
bring these women down because I bet they're like already
feeling enough heat around these fucking pajamas. However, I just
bought an eighty dollars of pajamas from Skims. I got
these adorable. I'll put a picture somewhere on the screen
(05:57):
and I will link them in the description. I got
these horrible gingerbread pajamas from Skims. I love Skims pajamas.
I have bought over. I don't know if they're overpriced.
I have bought expensive pajamas from Skims, like I.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Were cheaper than they usually are. Usually they're like one
hundred and twenty, right, and these were eighty yes, which
is cheaper than the the for the mems original price. Yeah,
ninety eight?
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Yes, Wait say that again because I kept interrupting. You
say that again? Say you that again.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
So the most Skims pajamas, right, are like more like
one hundred and twenty, but these, the gingerbread ones you got,
are more like only what eighty six or something? They
were eighty eighty okay, so, which is a lot cheaper.
And then the four of the mems they lowered the price,
but the original price was like ninety eight, right or something,
So it was more expensive than not really high quality
(06:46):
Skims PJ.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
I know, which is crazy wild now because I was like,
you know, when all of this talk came out about pajamas,
Like when I first got Skims pajamas, I got three sets,
and I'm gonna embarrassed myself here. It was a different
time I had. I got each set for one hundred
and twenty dollars. However, I got those nearly four or
(07:09):
five years ago. They are in great condition. However, I
do think Skims has what is the word reformatted, Yeah, redone.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Their sizing and their measurements kind.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Of not even the sizing, but like something that we
noticed was last Valentine's Day, Olivia got us a matching
pair of Skimms pajamas. They're so cute. They have little
cherries on them. And I literally have to wash these
pajamas every fucking two days because, yeah, and the band
is just so much softer versus the ones I got
(07:41):
four to five years ago. The band is so much tighter,
and they're the same size. Also the ones from four
to five years ago or so much longer. Like literally
they like there's like at least a couple of inches
past my foot versus the ones that you got last year.
And then the gingerbread ones I just got, which I
feel like we're both well worth the money because I
(08:03):
do live in my skims pajamas, Like I really, if
I am not leaving the house, my skims pajamas are
staying on. Yeah, Like I will just sit there all
day braless in my granny panties with my skims pajamas on. However, Yeah,
you're right, those ones that I.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Just bought were what a little cheaper.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
We're almost twenty dollars less than the original price, and
we're better quality. I don't know why I brought this
up on the podcast. I just love when you like
talk TikTok drama with me, but I want to hear
your guys' opinion, so you definitely have to like DM me.
I'll put a little like a message thing up on
Instagram because I just think this is so interesting and
I love the like ins and outs of everybody, just
(08:41):
like totally exposing them for just like trying to get
a quick buck.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
It's hard to be a small business on TikTok. Yeah,
a lot of small businesses get a lot of flack.
I feel like they're constantly under fire for one thing
or another, Like customer interactions because they're so public on
it on TikTok. As soon as like one thing goes
down with the customer, the customer puts it on TikTok
and then it blows up.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Yeah, well, I think that's just the world we live
in today, is like yeah, especially influencers, I think it's
very different. Like, you know, Kim Kardashian is behind this
huge like wall that even if like somebody were to
come out with a bad review, like.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
It just doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Yeah, it doesn't affect her like it affects these influencers
because they've built their online audience. And I think especially
somebody who like worked for a fashion brand and we
really focused a lot on our audience and had different
sectors of audience that we were aiming content at. I
think it's really interesting like these brand people like coming
(09:41):
out of the woodwork and making tiktoks about how like
they just didn't make a product for their audience. They
made the product they want to be an aspirational company
that can charge in ninety eight dollars for pajamas, but
they just aren't that there, and their audience isn't that
that's not what their audience is coming to them or
looking toward you know, I love taking I love dissecting
(10:03):
this stuff, Like I just think it's so fun. But
go get Skims pajamas. Like, and this not sponsored, not anything,
but like, if you're gonna spend ninety eight dollars eighty
dollars on pajamas, like, you might as well get quality ones.
And we've had really great success with the Skims pajamas.
I know that people also like like eber Jay, And also,
you do not need eighty ninety eight dollars pajamas. I
(10:25):
don't want to say that that is normal. It is
a luxury. Like I love to splurge on Skims again,
like when I have money, when I'm like, I want
to give myself a little treat. I quit my job.
I needed something to make me happy. Those are the
gingerbread pajamas. You know, I think it's great to spend,
but like you do, Like, for the longest time, I
wore just like my dad's old T shirts to bed.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Yeah I still do that, Yeah, yeah a lot of
the time.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Yeah. I feel like the only reason I started wearing
matching pajama sets was because it kind of helped my
mental health.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Well, it's fun. It's like a form of self care. Yeah,
you know you're dressing up a little with like intention
to go to sleep.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yeah exactly.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
You know it's cozy.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Yeah, I feel like it. Just yeah, it made me
feel better when I was in a dark time. It
made me feel especially like when I was like home
and going through like my depressive episode, Like it kind
of felt like an outfit if I put on matching pajamas.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Yeah, I mean compared to like underwear and an oversized
T shirt, it is an outfit. Yeah, It's something you
can answer the door in. So yeah, you know. So, yeah,
you're a little more put together.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Yeah. Yeah, Well that's pajamagate again. Just go on TikTok
if you want to hear the whole freak and thing.
Like I just think it's so fucking interesting in everything.
But we're now gonna sled on past that and we're
gonna move into our cooless moments. We wanted to talk
about some of our clueless moments when it comes to relationships,
because you guys were so open and vulnerable with us,
(11:52):
so we wanted to be open and vulnerable with you.
But I think you should share resor us because it's
a bit more.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Oh yeah, I mean, I just I don't know. You
told me that this would be a good one this
morning when we were watching Gilmore Girls. Yes, I don't.
I haven't. I'll catch episodes here and there as you're
watching them. Yeah, but there was the episode where Rory
was found out that Logan had been like sleep had
slept with other people while they were on a break
(12:21):
and she was so mad at him, like, yeah, oh,
we weren't broken up, right, Like he's saying, like we
were broken up, Like, I you know, I wasn't cheating
on you because we were broken up, and she's like,
we never said one hundred percent that we were broken up.
We were on a break, right. You have to say
that to a person when you're gonna break up with them.
And then she is like getting up to leave and
(12:43):
she's like, don't be home at this time so I
can get my stuff and she leaves and I'm like,
so did you break up with him? Is that a breakup?
Because she just did exactly what she said. She what
she said you weren't supposed to do. So I'm like,
but then you know they didn't end up breaking up
and nobody cheated on anybody, you know, because I think
that would have been really interesting if after she had
(13:07):
gone to that bar and hooked, like you had said,
hooked up with that guy.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
So she goes Rory goes to the college bar and
she meets she sees Doyle there and they're both like
drinking their sorrows about their relationships away and I couldn't remember.
I was like, oh my god, do they sleep together? Well?
Speaker 2 (13:23):
I feel like that would have been like an interesting
storyline because then it's like, oh, she just turned around
and did exactly what she's mad at Logan for doing. Yeah,
you know, they're on a break, it's not one hundred
percent shore nobody has said we're broken up now. And
then she turns around and you know, has rebound sets basically,
because that's what it sounded like he was doing at
(13:43):
the time, right, right, And it was rebound sex.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Right, And I think, and I get it because like
I've been in Rory's position where you go on a
break with somebody, or you break up with somebody and they,
you know, turn around and their coping mechanism is sleeping
with other people or or dating or like whatever it is.
And I am not the person like I don't cope
that way personally, However other people do, and so I
(14:06):
think when you don't cope that way, it's hard to
be like, it's did I mean anything to you? Like
why would you turn around and do this to me? However,
everybody has different coping skills, and I think obviously, like
Logan was explaining to her, those things didn't mean anything.
He was just caught up in his own.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Feeling rise and he had interpreted their fight or their
temporary break as a permanent breakup. That's what it sounded like.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah. So god, I'm trying to remember what happened and
why they broke up. Oh God, I forget I literally,
you guys. I watched like probably four or five episodes
of Gilmore Girls a day, Like I'm like, I think what.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Should have happened, ideally, in an ideal world is when
they got back together, he should have told her like, hey,
I slept around with some other people, just so you're aware,
a hundred percent, one hundred percent, yeah, because that would
have prevented the whole like embarrassing moment of that rory,
because I think she fell and embarrassed, yeah, around with
the bridesmaids. Yeah, talking about fucking her boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Yeah, if you haven't watched Gilmour's Basic Gilmore's, if you
haven't watched Gilmore Girls. If Rory finds out that Logan
slept with other people, Like there's this scene where all
the bridesmaids are talking about how they were hooking up
with Logan, like during the time that they were on
a break and she's like, you know, obviously embarrassed that
it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Yes, and she seems and that's why I think she
was hurt by it.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Right, So let's clear up this clueless moment for a second.
Do you believe because I think we've seen people that
go through breakups or take on break and they choose
to hook up with people and then they get back
together with their original partner. So you're pro say something
about it.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Yeah, I mean I think if, especially if you re
enter into the relationship. I don't think it's smart to
keep secrets in relationships. And that feels like it would
be like you'd be tiptoeing around it, like, oh, what
did you do while we were broken up? Like nothing,
like you know, I just you know, I thought of you,
(16:10):
Like that's it. Yeah, I don't know, like that feels
dishonest to me. So I don't think there's anything wrong
with rebound sex, and I don't think there's anything wrong
with like rebounding in general. It's a way that people cope,
you know. And there's nothing wrong with getting back together
with an X if that's the right move, you know.
But I think just like, don't re enter the relationship
(16:32):
with dishonesty. Yeah, like a skeleton in the closet kind
of thing, because it's gonna come out eventually, right, it
has to.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
That's my thing is that the truth always finds its
way out. It will always find its way out, whether
you want it to or not. And so I think
it's important to just uphold the honesty even if you're
afraid of how your partner will react, because I think
that once the trust is broken in a relationship, like
(17:00):
there is such low percentage of coming back from that
or for for anybody to ever feel secure in the
relationship again.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, it's hard to heal, yeah, you know, especially like
I think sometimes the truth, you know, the truth can hurt,
it can be really painful. But I think the recence,
like when you're honest kind of right away up front.
It does lessen the blow to an extent compared to
like if you've been hiding it for months or years.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Yeah, for sure. But also I think this whole like
Logan and Rory thing was super interesting because it like
brought up to me at least, I was like, where
the fuck is the communication?
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Yeah, I think it's interesting, like the kind of like
you said, the hypocrisy, Yeah, well, I think that's very common.
It's for people to expect something from their partner that
they don't give themselves to their.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Partner, right. So yeah, right, so she's like, I'm expecting you, right,
because because I didn't do anything, I'm expecting you to
do the same. But they didn't even really communicate about
where the fuck they were at. They just had this
blowout fight and then they stopped talking to each other.
So yeah, they both interpreted it completely different ways, like
dull like you can't read That's my biggest thing, is
(18:14):
like the whole you can't read my mind thing, And
I think that's like so true and why I try
to always be upfront and honest about you with you,
because like in the first two years of our relationship
where we had a little bit harder of a time
communicating with each other. I yeah, kind of like Rory,
I expected you to like know exactly how I was
feeling about things, and that's just like it's.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Not gonna happen. Yeah, that's not gonna happen, at least
not consistently enough, right you know, Yeah, or like when
it really matters.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Yeah. See, guys, this is why I gotta watch Gilmar girls.
It's teaching. It's giving you the lessons that you need
to know, Like, it's teaching you things. My clulest moment
is a little bit different. It's about us.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Oh my god, about us because they're in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
I said that my cleolest moment is and my cluest
moment has to do with my anxiety. And Olivia already
like knows this because there has been many times since
we've decided that we were going to move in together
where I was just like I would have these spirals
of anxiety and I'd be like, what are we gonna
do if we don't want to hang out with each other?
(19:19):
Like where are we going to go? Like? Where what
am I gonna do if you don't want to hang
out with me? And what are you going to do
if you don't want to hang out with me?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Where?
Speaker 1 (19:25):
Like what if I just want to be in a
bed by myself again? Oh my god, I'm never going
to have my own room again. So I have these
anxiety spirals, and I think that is like my clueless
moment is.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
Like how are we gonna adjust?
Speaker 1 (19:43):
How are we going to adjust to living together? And
how do two people in a romantic relationship adjust to
living together? Because it's so different from living with a
friend and everything. There's just such a we have such
an you know, obviously, like an intimate connection, like a
deeper connection than I have with one of my friends.
And so I think I am not anxious or worried
(20:03):
about us moving in together. I think we've cultivated a
space where we can communicate with each other. However, because
I have a generalized anxiety disort of like it, I'm
just like, oh God, like, how are we gonna figure
it out? And I know it's just like we got
to figure it out, We got to go through the steps.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
I mean, I think it makes sense because you are
the only girl in your family. You've always had your
own room, you've always had your own space, You've never
really had to share with someone. And my sister and
I shared a room up until, like, I don't know,
I was probably twelve or thirteen. Yeah, you know, so
(20:42):
I'm do you.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Want to know a secret?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
What?
Speaker 1 (20:44):
I hate sharing?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
I know you do it.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
I hate daring you guys like I have the worst,
Like I like I was one of those girls, like
I like when people ask to borrow my things, like
it gives me anxide, Like I'm like, no, Like what
if you don't give it back? What if it's damage?
What if it's this Like?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
And I think it's okay to have some things that
are yours, you know, that are personal and that you
you know. I'm not just gonna like pick up without
asking necessarily, but I think a lot of things will
kind of you know, when you are with a person
in a you know, in a and you're progressing through
(21:26):
the steps of a romantic relationship, your lives get really
tangled up together.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
I know, I'm interested to see what our lives will
look like. I think we were doing this card game
last night and it asked us, like, what stage of
your relationship do you guys think I think you're in?
And I said, we're on the precipice, because I feel
like we're on like we are in this like waiting,
this holding area because you know, we think we found
a place in the city. Knock on wood, like please God, please, yeah,
(21:53):
knock on that wood, and you know, we're it's a
bit of a process to like have it figure it
out and thing, and I'm just like it's so close.
It's so close, Like we are so close, and I'm
just like I want to pull it like closer in
because yeah, I just feel like in this holding area,
on this precipice of the next chapter of our relationship,
(22:15):
and I want to start building our life together. And
so I think sometimes my anxiety like will recognize that
we're in this unknown area and it's like, oh God,
like how are you going to adjust to this? And whatever. However,
we've spent four years together, I'm like almost you know,
obviously we can't know everything about living together, and I
think I know a lot of things about how you function,
(22:37):
and like we've personally had like conversations together about like
I'm a little bit more needy and that like I'm
gonna have to like let Olivia get their space and
also like let me have my Space, and you know,
I think we've been doing a pretty good job so
far at navigating it. It was hard at the beginning
when we started looking for apartments, like we said a
couple episodes ago, but yeah, I want to to like
(23:00):
bring that clueless moment up again because I had a
friend as well that I said to her. I was like, god,
like I started getting all this anxiety about never having
my own room again, and she was like, no, Sarah,
like I get that, Like when I moved in with
my partner, I was like, holy shit, like I don't
have my own bed. But then she said, Luckily you
have a mother that loves you. And if you ever
(23:23):
really need like a night to yourself, like you just
go home. Let's get into this month's clueless column again.
We're talking all about relationships and things like that. So
the first question for us, babe, is why do I
keep dating emotionally avoidant men.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Now.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
I wrote out a little bit of an answer to
this one because I want to see if I'm becoming
a therapist without ever studying it. I'm trying. My mom
is also a therapist, like Olivia, and so like, I
feel like I get a lot of things from you
guys about like how you interact with patients. So I
want to know if I'm doing the same. Okay, ready,
So I think that you keep dating emotionally avoidant men
(24:06):
because there is less risk in dating an emotionally avoidant man.
They're like, so because he is avoidant and not sharing
his feelings and stuff like that, you don't have to
go there either, because if he were being open and
honest and vulnerable, you know, you'd probably fall harder and
your feelings would get more involved, and therefore there's more
(24:29):
at risk for you. There's more to lose there. What
do you think about that? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:34):
I think that tracks. I mean, I think my first
kind of thought is is it you that's only seeking
out avoidant men or is it just that the majority
of men in our country at this moment are emotionally
avoidant because they don't learn, babe, and so it's hard
to find emotionally available men in your pool of fish.
(24:58):
You know, say that.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Louder for the people in the bath. That was so good?
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Yeah, Like, I don't know if it's you think or
if it's just your options are unfortunately limited, and maybe
the real question is how do you handle that?
Speaker 1 (25:12):
When your options are limited.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
When yeah, when you like, when all of your options
are emotionally avoidant, what do you do about that? How
do you handle it?
Speaker 1 (25:21):
That's a really great question.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
But I think, I mean, I think you know, you
what you said has value too. I think, you know,
I think sometimes we do seek out relationships that we
know it's like self sabotaging essentially, Yeah, to keep ourselves
safe because we know what to expect when people are unavailable.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Yeah, those are Yeah, that's two really good routes. Because
I have to say, especially after everything with like the
election and everything, and you know, hearing a few men's
opinions that I did not agree with, I just feel
like men, yeah, they don't think about anything but themselves.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Well, it's really I mean, it's unfortunate. You know, people
talk about like the male loneliness epidemic, and I think
it is. I think it really is. What is that?
It's that men don't have relationships, they don't have close
friends that they can talk to, and now people women
don't want to date them, and so we traditionally men
(26:26):
relied on rely on women as like an emotional support, Yeah,
their mother and then eventually their wife, right, is the
only person that they can cry in front of, the
only person that they can hug or touch, you know,
not even sexually, but just like sensual, like physically old hands. All. Yeah,
And now that you know, women aren't really putting up
(26:48):
with a lot of people's ship anymore, with a lot
of men shit anymore necessarily, it's you know, it's a
lot harder for people for men to find that kind
of connection. They don't have that within their friends, if
they even have friends, you know. Yeah, and so it's yeah,
the male loneliness epidemic.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
Okay, I see. So let's say it's okay, let's give
option A and B. So if it's A, and this
person is not wanting to, yeah, find maybe a more
emotionally available man because they're trying to self sabotage. How
can you work through the self sabotage or recognize that
(27:28):
you're self sabotaging?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I mean, okay. So a very common catchphrase of CBT, right,
cognitive behavioral therapy is catch it, check it, change it.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Oh, with like like this is what I do with
anxious thoughts exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So when you notice that you're you know, I guess
I don't know responding to lack of care, lack of commitment,
lack of emotional availability, and you're leaning towards that, say, cat,
catch it, notice yourself doing it and say, like, you know,
(28:04):
what's going on? What am I feeling? What am I
looking for from this person? And do I really want that?
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Yeah? Yeah, that's I think that's a big question in
all this. Yeah, it's like do I want this guy
to actually give me more? Like I am seeking?
Speaker 2 (28:22):
What are you looking for out of this interaction, this relationship?
And if you're looking for sex, then emotional availability doesn't matter.
But if you're looking for emotional availability, you're not going
to find that in an emotionally unavailable.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Person, right, So if you are seeking emotional availability, and yeah,
let's say you know you keep getting these emotionally avoided
men like yeah, so is that like hey, like recognizing
that and then saying like, I'm not going to get
involved myself with this person and I'm going to move
on and continue to like filter through and try and
(28:55):
find that that guy that gives me that emotional availability
that I'm looking for.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Yeah. Ultimately, I mean I guess it comes down to
not settling or not like, yeah, recognizing that that's not
what you want or I think I think sometimes it is.
And that goes back to people self sabotaging, right, So
you need to sort of address that as you know,
what am I protecting myself from? You know what am
(29:20):
I trying to avoid or keep myself safe from? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (29:25):
You know?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Is it rejection? Is it abandonment? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Because I this is not to make it about me,
but it reminds me of when those like first two
years where I would never tell you how I actually
felt about something. And I think one, I had gotten
in a habit of doing that for my prior relationship
and had to realize that that was no longer protecting
or serving me. But I think number two was the
(29:48):
abandonment factor, was like I was terrified that if I
told you how I actually felt about things, that you
were going to up and leave me, and that I
would ruin our relationship by being honest.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Yeah. Yeah, And I think that, I mean, the fear
of abandonment or fear of rejection is something is at
the root of a lot.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
Of Yeah, like why do I want to cry right now?
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, We're like in theory, it's yeah, I mean abandonment
and rejection are I would say the two biggest like
most innate human fears, because as human beings we are
in social creatures. We thrive and survive with community, and
(30:32):
so the idea of being cast out or like you know,
abandoned to offend for ourselves is very It sends off
like survival threats. Yeah, you know, it feels very life threatening,
like fight or flight exactly. So it's yeah, and then
we can of course go into like attachment style thing
and how you're and then it goes back to your
(30:53):
parents fucking you up, and.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Like it's so funny because my mom will always say,
like we have to, like, guys, just a race everything
everything you think you know about attachment and go to
an actual doctor. Do not learn your attachment style on TikTok,
like please, for god's sake, My mom works with women
in their twenties, and like she is constantly coming home
(31:15):
and saying, like what the fuck is TikTok saying about
anxious attachment style because it's not right, Like everybody in
their mother thinks that they have anxious attachment style, like
and it's just not true. So if you really want
to know your attachment style, they go to somebody like
please do not think get it from TikTok, like you know,
but then option B. There's just a lot more un of.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Right, I think that's like the yeah, the availability. Yes,
there's just not a lot of options.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
There's not a lot of emotionally available men.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Right now, unfortunately, which is sad. Yeah, it is, it is.
And I mean I think, yeah, that's not like a
U problem to solve. That's like a culture problem. And
I don't think it's going to be solved to any
time soon, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
Yeah. Okay, well let's move on to the next one.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
I really liked that everybody suffers from the patriarchy, including
men period.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Oh my job, men fucking suck. No, I know they don't.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
They don't.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
No, No, I'm not going to be a man hater either.
I just think I recognize too, like even looking at
my own brothers, my own dad, my cousins, like I
grew up as the only women woman in my fam
like of the kids and cousins and my family and
I and I do I think it's real that that
men are Yeah, they don't emote, and I think.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
That was anger. It's the only safe emotion that they're
allowed to express is anger.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
Yeah, and I think that was another huge reason. Like
with me coming out as bisexual, was just like every
time I was with a guy, I felt so emotionally
disconnected from them. I felt like I had they did
not understand me. I did not understand them, Like there
was just like it was so on the surface, it
(33:10):
was so sexually driven, and so now what that we
have like a very big emotional like I'm like, none
of those really like that. Those people didn't even know
who the fuck. I was like, I'm not gonna get
into it, but like yeah, like I just yeah, it's
it's kind of crazy to see. And I know something
for me when I'm thinking and speaking about my sexuality
and people are like, oh, like you know, I was like, yeah,
(33:32):
I'm like sexually attracted to men, but like emotionally like
there's nothing there. It's like somebody's knocking. No one's home,
Like you know, okay, let's move forward. I went on
it ooh okay. I went on an amazing date last week.
Good for you. Like we talked for hours, laughed a ton,
and they even texted me afterwards to say they had
(33:53):
a great time. Well that's good, but but now it's
been a week and I haven't heard anything since I
don't want to double text and seem desperate, but I
also really liked them. Should I reach out or do
I just let it go double text? I was going
to say the same thing, reach out. Yeah, I hate
(34:13):
the texting games, you guys, I hate the texting games.
But I think I think I can only say I
hate the texting games because you put those texting games
to rest for.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Me, I don't. Yeah, I don't play the texting games. Yeah,
it's stupid. It is.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
It's so stupid.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Like I'm not trying to mind read again, it comes
back to you can't read the other person's mind. I'm
not going to pretend make up this whole story about
why you haven't texted me back. I'm just gonna say, like, hey,
are we yeah you know so Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
I think if they texted you back after the date seging,
they had an amazing time. Obviously they their intentions were true,
and they said they had a good time, and like
I especially, look, I don't know much about like dating
because we've been in a relationship since I was twenty
two years old. However, what I do think, especially in
the early stages, Like from watching my friends go through
(35:06):
it is that yes, you had an amazing date, but
like maybe at this point, like you're not like the
top priority and stuff, and so that person still has
a life and things going on. And I know that,
like sometimes when I'm anxious, I don't answer text messages
because they bring up anxious feelings or possible rejection or whatever.
(35:27):
So yeah, maybe that person is scared about double texting
themselves because they just texted you that they just had
that they had a great time. So yeah, why not
reach out, because yeah, the worst thing that could happen
is a no. And I'm thinking about Alana Done. She
has an amazing podcast called Seeing Other People, which is
a dating podcast, and I remember she spoke about how
(35:48):
her now husband they broke the dating roles. He had
reached out to her on a dating app and she
didn't answer. She didn't answer, She just like let it go.
And then he double texted her a week later and said, hey, like,
I you know, I'd love to get to know you
or something, you know, whatever he said. And now they're married,
(36:08):
you know, so not saying that you're marrying this person,
but like I would.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Just go for it.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
I mean, if you like them, I feel like there's
literally nothing really You either let it go and don't
talk to them right ever again basically because you abandoned
the relationship whatever. Or you text and they don't respond
and you're in the same place that you were if
you hadn't texted exactly, or you text and they do
respond and then you go on another date and it's
(36:34):
a lot of fun and who knows there. Yeah, yeah,
take the risk, I think, so take the risk. Okay.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
I chose this question because it helps me feel like
I'm doing something right. On this podcast, it says I've
recently started exploring my sexuality and coming out to some
close friends.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Good for you, No.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
Seriously, go for you, Like it's really fucking scary.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
It is hard.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
I texted my friends.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
About especially now, like in the world we're living in.
Good for you, that's fantastic.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
I might be. I think I might be bisexual or
pan sexual because I've dated men before, But sometimes I
wonder if that was just me following heteronormative expectations. The
thing is, I have no idea where to start when
it comes to exploring relationships with women. I've never dated
or been with a woman before, and I'm terrified of
(37:28):
messing it up or doing something wrong. I feel kind
of stuck and unsure about how to take the next step. Okay,
so Ile smiled and laughed when you said messing it up,
because like we're four years into our relationship and I
know you don't identify as a woman, but I always
feel like I'm not doing things right sexually, and I
(37:57):
don't think I like, lately, I've been feeling better because
we've been communicating about it. But I think that.
Speaker 2 (38:11):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
I'm curious to get your opinion on this, like because
there is this like lack of representation in media and
like in sex said classes about how to have people,
how to have sex with like the same h what
is an anatomy? Anatomy? There we go. There's just like
more of a lack of education.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Mm hmm. Yeah, I mean I think I don't know.
I don't believe the stereotypes you always see the like
jokes about lesbians and media where it's like like I
came ten times last night, we went for seventeen hours,
like we're about to go for another.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
Like no, seriously, Like I guys, like I'm like Olivia
saying that right now, and I'm like, I literally like
I succumb to those expectations, like yeah, it's so common
that in the woman loving woman community it's like we
fucked for twenty four hours. I've never came like this
in my life. I'm just squirting all over the bedroom.
(39:11):
And then when that does it happen.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
It's like squirting all over the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
It's like I'm not queer. What have I done wrong?
Like whatever, God, it's sex or whatever. Yeah, yeah, and
that's just not true. I don't know, Like I mean,
I'm sure some people out there are having sex for
twenty four hours and.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Good for you, but it's not everybody. I'd say the
majority of people don't really want that. Maybe I also think,
I don't know, think about when, like if you've had
sex with a man, like the first time you did that,
like did you really know what was going on? Did
you really know what to do? Not really?
Speaker 1 (39:57):
And I'm thinking maybe in this moment, like maybe when
you first have sex with a man, you feel more
confident about it because what our society is saying, and
our society is saying that that kind of sex is right,
there's you don't need to feel any shame or embarrassment
about it. But I know, for me personally, when we,
you know, started doing things, I'm not going to expose us.
(40:20):
When we first started getting together, like I was having
a lot of trouble of feeling okay with what I
was doing, not because of you or because of anything,
but because of you know, just growing up in an
environment where this wasn't okay or it wasn't talked about
(40:43):
or whatever.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
We had a lot of trouble seeing our sex as sex.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yes, for a while, yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Had without like a penis being involved.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
Yeah I had trouble, like, yeah, have feeling sorry words,
I had trouble feeling like our sex was valid because
there wasn't a penis involved. And so I think for
a while it was like there was something missing and
that made me spiral anxiety wise, of course, like it
made me spiral about my sexuality. But now years later,
(41:15):
I sort of realized that the man was taking up
so much of the space and the air in my
past sexual relationships, like it it like, sure there were
parts and sections that may be focused on me, but
it was never really about me and my pleasure, like
I think it always came back to the guy, you know,
(41:38):
the insertion, oh my god, how my parents aren't listening
to it? The you know, the penetration part always came
at the end and like you know, it's and then
it's over because they're done, right. And so I think
when we started having sex, like I was like, wait,
what this Like the spotlight is on me, like like
(41:59):
I was.
Speaker 2 (41:59):
Like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Yeah, And I think it just felt like you know,
like yeah, like my experience was like supposed to be
a part of this, and I was like, oh wait,
I don't know what to do with myself. And now
years later, like I don't struggle with that at all personally,
Like I've got been able to get over that hump.
And like, I guess I say all this to say,
like to give yourself grace in the process, because I
(42:22):
think I, yeah, I gave myself a lot of anxiety
and beat myself up a lot because of all of
these thoughts that I was having. When you know, I
think it's only normal that as you're coming out and
exploring yourself, you think about a lot of things and
you're confronted with a lot of things that when you
were keeping it inside you didn't have to face. Yeah,
(42:45):
I guess like do you. I mean, I feel like
you are good with like the mindset of like going
up to people and interacting, Like, do you have any
any any advice around that?
Speaker 2 (42:55):
Meet people, try things, communicate. I think if you someone
you want to have sex with and they want to
have sex with you, like tell them what you want.
If you don't know what you want, look in the
mirror and try things and figure out what you want,
what you like, what you don't like.
Speaker 1 (43:16):
Yeah, And I feel like the quote unquote right person.
But I just think like there are people out there
that are empathetic and an understanding and when you say like, hey,
I'm new to this, like they won't be turned off
by it, and they won't be put off by it.
There are kind people in this world that I think
(43:38):
will regardless if this is like yeah, like a dating
thing or a one night stand sort of thing.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
You also, like, don't have to tell people that it's
your first time or that you're not experienced.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Take it until you make it.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
You don't have to. You can just they you can
leave the situation and they can just in their head
think you're bad at sex and that's you don't need
to know. They don't they don't need to know why.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
That's a great piece of event, you know.
Speaker 2 (43:58):
Like just pretend that, yeah, that you've fucked plenty of
people or the women you know, and go for it
and yeah, and then you kind of learn. I guess
as you go. I mean, the more you do something,
the better you get at it. I think.
Speaker 1 (44:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
But then also, you know, every individual is different and
likes different things and is going to enjoy or not
enjoy different things, and so it's always kind of a
you know, a different situation depending on who you're with.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
Yeah, I think there's no right way to have sex.
We always talk about that because I always bring up
that I feel like I'm doing things right or I'm
not good at this or that.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
Then you know, I guess I'm like, did you have fun?
Did I have fun? Great? Like that's all that really mattered?
Speaker 1 (44:46):
Yeah, Yeah, for sure. Yeah, But I think you're I
think you're what you opened this up with is so right?
Speaker 2 (44:52):
Is that?
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Like I think a lot of the stereotypes about what
women loving women queer sex is supposed to be like
can get in the wa way and can really make
you feel like bad about yourself if that is not
how your sex is. And like let's be like you said,
let's be honest, like what five percent, ten percent, twenty
percent like of people are having sex like that?
Speaker 2 (45:15):
Yeah, I mean, I don't I don't know, I don't
have an yeah, exact statistic, but yeah, I mean, and
I think within the the lesbian community, the women loving
women community, that can also be a lot of like
like sexual kind of bragging almost and like or like
yeah we we you know, use crazy toys and like
(45:37):
I don't know, and that you know, it's not necessarily.
Speaker 1 (45:41):
It's probably projecting.
Speaker 2 (45:44):
Everything's projecting.
Speaker 1 (45:44):
Everybody's projecting you, guys, Like just just remember that. But
congratulations on coming out, Like it's a really big deal.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
And if you're not sure about your label, don't stress
about it. Read the Lesbian master Doc.
Speaker 1 (45:57):
Period.
Speaker 2 (45:59):
We'll put a link.
Speaker 1 (46:00):
Well, I'll put a link. Olivia will send me a link,
and I'll put the Lesbian master Doc link in the description.
Speaker 2 (46:04):
Because it's all about like, you know, understanding your compulsory
heterosexuality and stuff.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
Yeah, because let me tell you, like that still plays
a role to me every single day. It's taken a
lot of therapy to like undo it and to see
the world in a different place. But let me tell
you when you get further into it and see the
world in a different place, like talking about men, like
I feel like men are so like not a part
of my life. Like when I walk into a room
(46:29):
that is majority men, I'm.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
Like, ah, it's the four B movement exactly.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
I'm just like, what are you guys doing here? Like
what are you doing here? I'm like, oh my god.
And honestly, something that I've realized about myself, like because
I went to like a more straight bar at the
beginning of September, and I remember I used to walk
into straight bars even at the beginning of our relationship,
and I was like, what do all of these men
(46:55):
in this room think about me? What do they think
about how I look, about the way I'm behaving, et cetera. Uh.
Now I walk into a stray bar or a predominantly
mail room and I could give literally less of a
fuck about what they think about me, about what I'm
worrying about my weight, etc. But literally, for so many
years of my life, all through college, I'd walk into
like a frat party, Whatever do these guys think I'm hot,
(47:17):
Do they care about the way that I look like whatever?
So hopefully just know that that's coming for you and
it's really great. All right, we have reached our final submission,
and let me tell you, guys, this one is good.
This one is tea and I read it and I
was like, oh my gosh, we got to help this person.
I gotta help them through. Okay, So this one says, Okay,
I feel horrible even saying this, but I think I
(47:39):
might have a crush on one of my partner's friends.
They're just really funny and charming, and I catch myself
thinking about them way more than I should. I love
my partner and I don't want to mess up what
we have, but I feel so guilty about these feelings.
What do I do with this? Is this normal? So
do you want to know my first thought with this?
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (48:01):
My first thought is are your feelings strong enough to
break up what you currently have?
Speaker 2 (48:09):
Mm? Hm?
Speaker 1 (48:10):
You know, yeah, Like, is what you're feeling towards this
person strong enough deep enough, like even if they know it,
or not to say goodbye to your other relationship?
Speaker 2 (48:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Hm? However, I also think not like the in the
conversation of is this normal? Like, I do think that
cheating is a thing, not saying that you're gonna cheat
or well cheat whatever, Cheating is a thing. So we
obviously know that people get into relationships and then are
able to form feelings, emotions, sexual desires for other people. However,
(48:49):
I think that sometimes people also get into this grass
is greener on the other side thing where it's like,
you know, I am unfulfilled in what I have, so
I'm looking outward.
Speaker 2 (49:04):
Yeah, I think that was my first thought. It's like,
what do you what are you seeing in the friend
that you don't see in your partner that you want
from your partner, or like what feels like it's missing
in your current relationship that is turning your head kind
of Yeah, And then I think it's a question of
(49:25):
can you get that from your current partner? Is that
something you can communicate that you want and that you
know or can you not? Yeah? And then it's like
do you need that thing or do you not need that?
Speaker 1 (49:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (49:40):
That's a tough one though, especially a friend, you know,
because that can really blow up a whole circle, like
kind of dynamite, you know, because then like especial friend.
Speaker 1 (49:52):
It's their partner's friend.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
So it's like, Okay, then you're gonna you know, you
might not the friend might not even be comfortable going
with you, right because they're friend. I wonder if it's
a little messy.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
Yeah, if you want to give a follow up, like
have you already made relations with the other with the
other person or.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
Does a person know, like did they like you too? Right?
Is there back and forth or are you just kind
of charmed by them?
Speaker 1 (50:20):
Yeah, because I think like it's normal for people in
relationships to be charmed by other people, to like, you know,
to think, oh this person's attractive or oh they're funny.
But obviously you're experiencing feelings that are making you question
your own relationship, which I've you know, I haven't experienced
that where it's like, you know, like obviously, like I
(50:42):
can walk down the street and be like, oh, this
person's attractive. Like we were literally we were watching James
Charles like sing his new song by the campfire, and
I turned to a Livy and I said, the guy
that's playing the violin, he's cute, but I you know,
I'm not gonna leave.
Speaker 2 (50:58):
You for him.
Speaker 1 (50:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:00):
Yeah, I feel like there's usually a difference between a
crush that is like pulling you away from your current
partner and just like a passing like acknowledgment of I
don't know, the fantasy sort.
Speaker 1 (51:15):
Of yeah, you know, yeah, I think that's important.
Speaker 2 (51:18):
Yeah, and if that and if it's more of like
a serious crush, then yeah, I would say, what are
you lacking in your current relationship that's in allowing you
to sort of turn your head and can you get
that in your current relationship? Yeah, that's a that's a
great piece because maybe maybe they feel like, you know,
(51:38):
their current relationship is missing the funniness or whatever kind
of things that about.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
They said that they were really funny and.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
Charming, right, so yeah, so maybe like you're missing, like
what you're not getting something in your current partner. You know,
you're not like feeling wooed by them or romanced by them,
which can happen I think in long term. Yeah, you
can become very i don't know, de sexualized or like
(52:10):
kind of not super intimate outside of sex, like just
sort of yeah, not romantic.
Speaker 1 (52:15):
I guess, yeah, yeah, we started. You know, I love
a couple of card games, like I think that they
are should be a cornerstone of every relationship because I
think that you, yeah, we've been in a relationship for
a long time. You've been in a relationship for a
long time, and yeah, when when life gets hard and stressful,
(52:36):
like for example, like you guys know, like I quit
my job, I moved, Like things have been really fucking
stressful for me, and you know, I think that that
can contribute to our like our relationship, we you know,
can get in very much into like all right, like
let's meet our basic needs, let's you know, go to bed.
But then when I found these cards on the TikTok
(52:57):
shop and I just thought they were cute, so I
ordered them and they were pretty cheap. But when we've
the last couple of times we've seen each other, we
started doing these cards again, and I think, like it
just reminds me why I love them, because they open
up conversations and funny moments and just like things that
like if yeah, if you're if you're not thinking about
these like questions and they wouldn't come up, Like the
(53:18):
other day we answered this question about what's it called about?
Like what we would do if like like everything in
the in the world stopped, like everything in the world
stopped and it was just us. We had twenty four
hours so basically do whatever we wanted, and that was
it was just so funny. We were like, yeah, like
(53:38):
we're gonna.
Speaker 2 (53:38):
Go like first off, rob a bank, rob.
Speaker 1 (53:42):
A bank, get a bunch of money, and then I
was like okay, yeah, and then we got to like
steal a Porsche because I've always wanted a Porsche, and
like we were like, oh yeah, we're gonna go to
your old place of work and like and have them.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
Like shout that. Like it was just like a day
of crime.
Speaker 1 (53:56):
Like it was just so funny and so right, and
like that brought up like we were like thing and giggling, right,
and like you know, like sure if we went out
to dinner, we could still have like a fun but
like it just brought up something new and different, you know.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
So I like those card games too.
Speaker 1 (54:10):
Yeah, I love card games like I love them. I
think they're so great, especially for communication in romantic relationships.
As somebody that has struggled with communication, I just think
it opens up this comfortable space.
Speaker 2 (54:26):
Absolutely, it paves the way for like more intimacy and
more emotional connection because the questions will cause you to
answer them, tell a story, and then the story triggers
something else and you go down another path or the
you know, the person you're playing with, we'll think of something.
You know. It just really facilitates kind of meaningful conversation.
Speaker 1 (54:46):
Right, and for sure that one was like a funny one.
Like this this one, they have two sides. That one
was like a silly one, and then they also have
sides that are thoughtful and deep and yeah, and I
think again, like they just pose questions that I wouldn't
think about. But yeah, when I have you answer it
like it it Yeah, it just lets me into you more.
(55:07):
So this this has gotten off like what our help
was to you. But yeah, like you said, I think.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
Yeah, examine your relationship, like what are you missing that's
leaving you unsatisfied?
Speaker 1 (55:19):
Yeah, And the last thing I'll leave you with is
that if you are like thinking about stepping out from
your relationship, just just break up with the person before
you do anything.
Speaker 2 (55:29):
Cheating is not very nice.
Speaker 1 (55:30):
Cheating is not I don't condone cheating. I won't judge
you if you do it, but I just think that
it's better to close the chapter before you step out.
And it's okay, for you to if you if you're like, hey,
this this I am not, this is not this is
this is the thing I'm not getting from my relationship
and I don't think I can get it or I
don't think I want it from this person. And you
(55:53):
decide to leave them, that is totally fine, Like you
are free will to do that, and I just think, like,
be a good person, you know, and thank you for
trusting us with that information, like good luck.
Speaker 2 (56:05):
That's a sticky suggestion, that is.
Speaker 1 (56:06):
A sticky situation. I would not want to be in
your position, like I'm just go. But that's all of
our submissions that we have. Thank you guys so much
for all of these really great and vulnerable like moments
and for trusting us with your cluelest moments. I really
enjoyed picking these out and like getting to talk with them,
(56:28):
get to talk about them with you. I think again,
you're just like so intelligence and I would have never
thought of like those like Olivia gave the good responses
like I just gave like the funny like you had
said a good advice.
Speaker 2 (56:43):
Don't discount yourself.
Speaker 1 (56:44):
Anyways, let's wrap this up. Thank you guys so much
for listening to this week's episode, and again, thank you
so much for all of your submissions. We will be
doing this again in December. I think that'll be the
last episode before the holidays, and our next one is
going to be all about family and like holidays or
just like things that center around the holidays, So start
thinking about your clueless moments for that. And I also
(57:05):
think that I'm gonna put up a Google form so
that like a lot of these were like DM to
me in like separate things, or they were like put
in a lot of different like questions, submissions and Instagram.
So I think it'll be easier if I make like
a form for you guys, so you can read out
all the I love details. I love details like I
love the idiomid like it helps us get get you
to the best advice. So I will put that up
(57:26):
for next month. However, in the meantime, do not forget
to follow the Completely Cloless podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and
YouTube at completely Clueless Pod. Also, because I'm on a
new platform, this podcast is officially available anywhere you can
get your podcasts. That's right, Like iHeartRadio, Amazon Music like
it is everywhere now and if it isn't let me
(57:47):
know because then I need to make sure I'm doing
something right in this platform. But it should be available everywhere.
I put the video up on Spotify and YouTube, So
go subscribe on YouTube tube and you can follow me
and my personal journey at Sarah Alice Lyddy on TikTok
and Instagram. Do not follow Olivia. Even if you follow,
even if you see their like what is it called
(58:08):
tag user name, Olivia will block you. Olivia doesn't want
to be famous, so just like leave them alone alone.
Give all of your following.
Speaker 2 (58:15):
Energy to me.
Speaker 1 (58:17):
Thank you guys so much for listening again, have a
terrific Tuesday, a wonderful week, and don't forget to be
motherfucking clueless. That's right, baby, all right, bye you guys. Bye,
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