December 10, 2024 • 48 mins
Let’s continue my anxiety lore, shall we? On this episode of Completely Clueless, I’m diving back into the story of my 15+ year journey with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But first, a life update: I got a survival job! After quitting my corporate job, moving back to my childhood home, and stepping deeper into the messy “figuring it out” phase of my twenties, this job feels like my first big step forward—and I can’t wait to tell you how it’s going.
Then, I pick up my anxiety journey where we left off, reflecting on the biggest mistake I made during my healing process, how the pandemic impacted my mental health, and coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never be the girl I was before depression. Finally, I share where I am now—the challenges I’m navigating and what this chapter of my mental health journey looks like.
As always, I hope that by sharing my story, someone listening feels seen, heard, and just a little less alone. Tune in for part two of my anxiety lore, and let’s keep figuring it all out together. 💕
Make sure to follow The Completely Clueless Podcast on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube @completelycluelesspod 💖
And for more of my personal adventures, follow me @sarahaliceliddy!
Then, I pick up my anxiety journey where we left off, reflecting on the biggest mistake I made during my healing process, how the pandemic impacted my mental health, and coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never be the girl I was before depression. Finally, I share where I am now—the challenges I’m navigating and what this chapter of my mental health journey looks like.
As always, I hope that by sharing my story, someone listening feels seen, heard, and just a little less alone. Tune in for part two of my anxiety lore, and let’s keep figuring it all out together. 💕
Make sure to follow The Completely Clueless Podcast on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube @completelycluelesspod 💖
And for more of my personal adventures, follow me @sarahaliceliddy!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, My Clueless queens. Before we get into today's episode,
I want to give a trigger warning. I will be
speaking about sensitive subjects when it comes to mental health,
like mental illness, self harm, suicidal ideation. If these things
are not something you want to hear about, that it's
totally okay. I recommend turning off this episode right now
and I will see you in the next one. Hello,
(00:29):
My Clueless Queens, Welcome back to the Completely Clueless podcast.
I am your host, Sarah Alice Liddy, and I got
some updates for you guys on my life. I feel
like it's been a second since I've sort of addressed
the elephant in the room of girl, you do not
have a job. You're living back at home in your
childhood home, Like, what is going on? I feel like
(00:50):
I've sort of have you guys with a bit of
a cliffhanger in that explanation episode a couple episodes ago
about why I quit my job. In all of that,
but I have an update. I got a survival job,
which is very exciting and honestly, it is making me
feel a lot better mentally. The last month, all during November,
(01:10):
I kind of rotted like a lot. I feel like
after I quit my job, I was just a bit
burnt out and just had a lot of negative emotions
because being a corporate grind slave was not great for
me mentally, and I feel like I needed a second
(01:33):
to rot. I wish I would have tried to climb
out of my rot hole a bit earlier, because as
somebody with anxiety and can be prone to depression, I
feel like the longer I let myself sit in a
rotting phase, the harder it is to get out of it,
the more depressed I feel. Like. Towards the end of it,
(01:55):
I was like, Okay, like we got to get out
of this. I'm starting to feel like I always want
to be asleep and in bed and that's just like
not great for me mentally, and to be quite honest,
I was a bit anxious about starting this job. After
my first day, I like thought to myself, I'm like, Wow,
this is not what I worked it up to be
in my head, like why was I so anxious to
(02:18):
get this started? And I think it's having those experiences
and then remembering the next time like you're starting something
new and recalling like, oh I did I've done this
before and it wasn't that bad, like just remember that.
So having that experience I think was good for me
because I really feel like I pushed off starting my
(02:41):
survival job because I was just like, ugh, I don't
want to work again. I don't want to feel so
like what is the word, so just like drained that's
the word. So drained from the working all day and
then you get home and it's pitch black dark, and
you eat and you fall asleep and you do it
all over again, like you know that, like really just
(03:02):
sad cycle of work eat sleep, work, eat sleep. However,
after my three days, my first three days, so like
let's just preface that it's only been three days, but
I will say, like I'm feeling really good about it.
Have I mentioned what I'm even doing it? I don't
know if if I had, if I haven't. I am
working in a grocery store, specifically in their bakery department,
(03:26):
which I feel like is like cut see like come
on like me like as a bakery queen, Like it
is really cute. And honestly I was hesitant with this job,
especially I think I mentioned this, but just in case
I didn't, this grocery store is in my hometown. You know,
all the people go there, and that's kind of what
(03:48):
was like, I think making me anxious about starting this
was just like oh my god, like all these people
are gonna see me working in the grocery store and
have judgments about me. Like my anxiety was like what
are these people gonna think about me and what I'm
doing with my life? And honestly, like since these three
these first three days have happened, I feel like I've
(04:09):
already gotten over that and have been like, you know what,
like this is where I'm at in my life. This
isn't forever, and right now I need money, Like I think,
like the move to the city, you guys, is like
happening in the new year, and I need money, you know,
And so I'm just trying to put my purpose at
the forefront of every single day. It's like, who the
(04:29):
fuck cares who? You see what they think, Like it's
my business what they think. Anyways, you know, you're in
a good spot. You're doing what you need to do
to get by, and that's just like the most important thing.
And honestly, you guys, like I know it's only been
three days, but like I feel like I'm really enjoying it.
My coworkers are all so so nice. They're all so thoughtful,
(04:56):
caring and helpful. Like literally, they all are just like
helping me with anything I need. I can ask any
question to them, And I think that's really important, is
when you feel like you're in a space that you
feel safe to be like, hey, like how do you
do this? How do you do that? And like when
people respond, they're not like how do you not already
know how to do that? You know, like they're willing
(05:18):
to teach you and help you figure out how to
do what they're doing in the job. You know. I
ended up having to open on my second day, which
was a little bit intimidating, but honestly, like by the
end of that first day, like people were like, are
you nervous? Are you okay? And I was like, Yeah,
I'm gonna be okay because this team and the people
around me have already proven to me that like I
(05:41):
can ask for help and like if something goes wrong
or if I don't know how to do something, like
I can grab somebody and say like, hey, can you
show me how to do this? Or Hey, I have
this customer I don't know how to do x y Z,
like can you help me out? Like, and the second
day when I opened, it went great and one of
the store managers was behind there helping me. And so
it just feels like this community of people that like
(06:03):
want to help you are super supportive and honestly, like
it's just been so much fun to like gab and
get to know them. And that's made me realize that
even though I am totally a proponent of the hybrid
schedule in like corporate America life, because like it's the balance, right,
you get a little bit of the in office and
a little bit of the work at home, I feel
(06:25):
like this experience has reminded me like why it's so
important to have in office in person work environments. Because
at my last job, it started as a fully remote job,
so and we were allowed to go into the office
like here and there, and like when I was doing
(06:46):
content shoots for the brand that I worked on, I
would obviously go in because that has to be in person. However,
for the first like six to eight months that I
worked at this job, like it was mainly at home,
and it was really hard to get to know people
that way, right, because you're really only seeing people when
you are doing something for work. And then when we
(07:06):
started going into the office, you know, you find those
little in between moments where you get lunch with a
friend where you talk with them, or you gossip, or
you get coffee, you know what I mean. But this
job I had to start right in person, like it
can't do bakery work from home. And I think it's
just reminded me how important like human connection is, and
especially when you're getting to know people like that first day,
(07:30):
the coworkers I was working with, like we were just
all like getting to know each other, asking questions, and
it was nice because they were asking me questions too,
and then I was able to ask them questions. I
think sometimes like you ever meet people and they just
don't ask you anything about yourself, and so you're having
to just like ask and ask and ask to keep
the conversation going. And I feel like podcasting, especially doing
(07:53):
like the interviews, has really helped me with that. Like,
in order to get to know somebody, like I'll just
start asking questions, but it kind of sucks when nobody
asks you the questions back. And so it was so
nice to this one girl, like she was asking me
things about myself, like what do you like to watch?
We started talking about Rue Paul in reality TV and
suggesting shows to each other, and you know, it's just
(08:15):
like stuff like that that makes you feel like good
and you're like, oh, like human connection is good. You know. Yeah,
So things are going well. I'm happy that I'm working.
Oh my god. The first three days, though, I had
to work seven to three, and so I had to
wake up at five am, and it was so so tough.
(08:36):
By Friday night, Like you guys, I went to bed
at eleven thirty on Friday night and I slept until
noon the next day. I was exhausted after the three days,
especially because and something that I think is really good
for me about this job is I have to be
on my feet working in corporate America. The last like
(08:58):
two and a half years, Like including the internshi IF I had.
Before my last job, I was not on my feet
very much, especially the last year when I moved into
my apartment in the city, Like I was so sedentary
and it was really starting to affect my body. My
hips were always hurting, my lower back, like I just
was not mobile at all. And so it's really great
(09:21):
that this job is forcing me to like move my body,
be on my feet. You know, you're constantly up down
all around doing things, especially because it's a holiday season
and you know, like bakery life in the hot you guys.
I'm like, you know, bakery life and the holiday season
like I know anything, But all I know is that
it's busy, you know, the customer service and the holiday
(09:43):
season is busy. So you know, we are just like
a well oiled machine. I am making bag ats like
there's nobody's business, you guys. It's giving Marie the bag
Getts hurry up. Like literally, I make so many bag
ads all day every day and it's fun, Like I
can't complain about it. And I think what's most important
(10:06):
that I've realized in the last three days is that
when it comes home from work, I don't feel like
I don't want to do my own content or the podcast.
I feel like I have energy to do those things,
which I didn't have energy to do before because I
was making content all day. So it feels like this
(10:27):
nice separation, like I can go and worry about making
bad gets cookie platters and cream puffs all day, and
then by the time I get home, I can edit
my vlog footage, I can think of ideas, I can
edit the podcast, and it's not like draining work. So
that's the update on that things are good and it
(10:49):
feels like I've taken a step forward in this time
in my life where I'm kind of like in progress.
That's what I've been talking a lot about in therapy
and trying to accept and realize is that I am
really in this phase of life right now where I
am in progress. And Olivia actually gave me the best
(11:11):
analogy that is really helping me to find acceptance of
this like figuring out phase of my life because I
feel like, for me and for so many others, like
it just poses so much uncertainty and fear that it's
uncomfortable and therefore we're just like so down on ourselves
about being in this period of life and you just
(11:33):
don't really feel that great. But Olivia compared this part
of my life to renovating a home, and they were like, Sarah,
you are under renovation right now. And I just love
that one because it gives me an image and I'm
such a visual like learner and so seeing like right
the image of a house like completely bare bones and
(11:55):
knowing how long and how complicated home renovation is right,
Like applying that to the phase of life that I'm in,
it makes so much sense and it's so much easier
to like accept. I don't know why, but like if
that helps anybody else out, Like if you're just in
(12:16):
this phase of life where you just are so uncertain
you're making a career change of life pivot or you're
just like living life and feeling confused about how to
make it through. Like think about yourself as a home
and you're renovating a home and you know maybe like
certain parts of your home are done, but like your
bathroom isn't and you're like and knocking it down, and
like something that I think about a lot with the
(12:37):
home renovation analogy is that like homes take so long
to renovate and they're complicated to renovate, and like this
person ordered the wrong part and like whatever. And I
feel like that is such a great analogy for how
like life in progress is right, because like you try something,
it doesn't work, you got to go back to this
(12:59):
point or you know it works in this way, so
you like make a pivot to like the laft you
know what I mean, Like it's kind of like that.
And so I've been really looking at my life as
a renovation right now, and so it feels good to
have like one little screw tightly wound on my home
(13:22):
that I am renovating with starting this survival job. And again, like,
I'm not sure how long I'll be at this job because,
like I said a little earlier, like it's it is
looking like I will maybe I don't. It's so hard
because I don't want to like Jinx anything, but like
it's looking like the city will be in my near
future again. And so yeah, but for now, I'm just
(13:43):
like relishing in what I'm feeling, the positive energy, waking
up early and having somewhere to go, Like, I just
think all that stuff is good for me, it's good
for you. You know. Something that Meg Jay always says
is like when she works with twenty somethings, She's like,
I don't like to work with two some things that
don't have a job. And you know, I think that
can be very controversial, right, Like one, it can be
(14:06):
hard to get a job in today's market to like, well,
I don't know, I feel like most people work, but yes,
I feel like it is hard to find a job, so, like,
you know, but I think it's because it really does
help you get up and get out, have something to
go to, even if like the dream and what you're
doing is something that you're doing like outside of working hours.
(14:27):
Oh yeah, And something I did want to say is
that I put up a vlog on my TikTok about
my first day going to my survival job, and somebody
literally commented what the fuck is a survival job? Which
I thought was very funny because a part of me
was like, you're so right, like this is just a job.
But I do feel like a survival job is different
from like a regular job, because personally, I see a
(14:50):
survival job like as your means of survival. Right. As
somebody that grew up as an actor, it was often
told to me like, you will have a survival job
while you are auditioning trying to make the dream work.
And I see so many of my friends do it, right.
They work in retail, they work in the restaurant industry
while they are auditioning, and then if they get a role,
(15:13):
they leave that job and they go and do the
thing right. So I think, to me, a survival job
is your means of survival while you are pursuing a dream.
It is a job that is not in the career
field that you necessarily want to be in. However, we
all have bills to pay. We all need money in
this capitalistic society, so you know, you got to work
(15:36):
and it's a survival job. I don't know. I like
the term. I think it helps me not see this
job as my forever, right, It's just the foundation I
need to, like, yeah, pay my bills, have like the
money to go out to dinner with friends, to save etc.
While I also, in the time that I'm not at
(15:59):
that job, pursue and try to make my dreams happen. However,
now I actually want to pivot back into my anxiety
lore journey. As you can see, I'm by myself right now,
and I was like, oh, I'm gonna do the next
part with Olivia, but I sort of decided that I
wanted to finish talking about my journey by myself and
then do another episode. One last episode for the year.
(16:22):
We're going to make it a clueless column and it's
going to be about anxiety. So you guys had submitted
some really great questions about like when I had asked
you what do you want to hear about like my
anxiety journey, and I really want to address those questions
and give them their time. And I want to put
up another Q and A box on the podcast Instagram,
(16:42):
which is at completely Clueless pod, so that you guys
can ask more questions and we can talk about them
with our residential Clueless therapist Olivia in the next episode.
So that is the little game plan for the rest
of the year. You'll have this episode, well the next episode,
and then I'm taking three weeks of holiday vacation. So again,
(17:05):
before we get started, I just want to disclaim that
this is not medical advice. This is my journey with
mental illness and anxiety. If you are struggling with your
mental health, I highly highly urge you and recommend you
to go see a professional, Go see your doctor, talk
to somebody that loves and supports you, and reach out
for help. It is the best thing that I ever
(17:27):
did for myself. And I just want to give a
quick trigger warning. We are going to be talking about
sensitive topics in the mental health sphere, such as self harm, suicide,
mental illness, et cetera. So if that is something that
you do not want to listen to That is a okay.
I would just recommend turning off this podcast now and
going about your day and I'll see you in the
(17:49):
next episode. All right, you guys, Let's pick up where
we left off, which is me leaving college to go
to an outpatient program back at home and need just
a little recap. At the beginning of my junior year,
I was experiencing a lot of depressive symptoms like not
wanting to get out of bed, losing passion for the
(18:09):
things I love, isolating, and not want to socialize. And
so I went to my voice teacher about this because
she was a professor at school that I really trusted,
and she suggested that I speak to my parents and
medical professionals about it, and that is what we did together.
And then a couple hours later that same day, I
was on a flight home to go back home see
(18:30):
my parents and figure out what was going on. So
I get home from college and it was hard, and
I think it was really hard on my parents to
see me this way because it was so opposite of
who I've ever been. You know, I was always so
fueled by anxiety and my go get our spirit that
being down and not wanting to do anything was I
(18:54):
think hard for them to see, and honestly, at times
it was hard for me to like explain to them.
Like example, I remember the first couple weeks I was home,
my dad was like, Oh, you should go to Soul
Cycle and do this and do that, and I was
like trying to get him to understand, like I wish
I could go to Soul Cycle and I could be
(19:15):
in this phase of like, you know, trying to piece
my life back together, but like I can barely get
out of bed, change my clothes, go outside, Like I
just needed to focus on, you know, rehabilitating the very
very basic foundations of my life. And I think that
is what is so shocking and so jarring about depression,
(19:39):
is that you lose the ability to function as a human,
to do the littlest things like take a shower, brush
your teeth, wash your face, change out of your pajamas,
and so when you are going through treatment and seeking help,
it's really you focusing on rebuilding those base life foundations.
(20:01):
And I remember, like my therapist at the time, we
were like, okay, like you wake up, you change out
of your pajamas and get into a different set of
like pajamas or comfy clothes. You go downstairs, you take
your dog out around the corner and walk him around
the corner, and then you can go back and you
cannot go back to your bed, but you can go
to your mom's bed. Like it was literally the very
(20:25):
basic necessities of life that I was trying to build
back up. And I think for people who have never
experienced oppression or aren't experiencing it at the same time
as you, it can be very hard to understand that
or maybe to empathize with what like the other person
is going through. It's like, oh, in my head, yeah,
(20:47):
I think it. Just go take a soul psychle class,
like make yourself feel better, do something. But the other person,
you know, it's literally the biggest feet is to like
get out of bed, you know, so that it's not
really equivalent. Anyways. I attended a hospital in Connecticut. It's
called silver Hill Hospital. I was in an outpatient program there,
(21:10):
which means I would go to therapy, like the group
therapy three times a week for like four or five hours.
I was also required to have one individual one on
one therapy outside of that, and I was also seeing
a psychiatrist at the time for medication management. So my
(21:30):
week was a lot of therapy. I forget. I think
it was like Tuesday, Thursday, Friday maybe, but I would
drive up to Connecticut I would do the three or
four hours of group therapy, which was DBT based. And
I'm actually gonna read this directly from my notes right
now because I want you guys to know this in
case you're ever going through a hard time or you're
(21:52):
currently going through a hard time and you're like, what
do I do? A lot of IOPs, which is intensive
outpatient pro Grahams focus on DBT dialectical behavioral therapy because
it really helps in crisis or distressing moments. And basically
we literally get this work book that you work out
of in the therapy and you focus on distress tolerance,
(22:17):
emotional regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. And every single day
you focus on something new and you also have a
homework assignment. Like there's literally a work book on it.
You can literally find it on like Amazon if you're interested,
and it is helping you rebuild your life, and you know,
(22:38):
you get the connection of being with other people in
the room. I was also going to see my therapist
one on one once a week, and we were working
on the things that I was learning in this group
therapy and obviously just like rehabilitation. And then I also
got a new psychiatrist, which was really great because the
one that just prescribed me prozac and never checked up
(22:59):
on me, never did like a three month check in
or even like a check in right after I started
taking the medication, which is like very normal. I'm glad
I got to leave that behind and go to a
new psychiatrist who I still see today and I think
is absolutely incredible, because the thing about psychiatric meds is
(23:20):
like there's a lot of trial and error and testing
and figuring out what's gonna work for you and what
may work in one stage of your life may not
work in another stage of your life. Like every three
months we still meet and she still asked me like
are these working for you? Oh, do you want to
adjust this or adjust that? And dah da da da da.
And so during that time we found a cocktail of
(23:40):
medications that worked for me. However, however, guys, this is
really embarrassing to admit, I did not take my medications.
I didn't and I didn't take them consistently, like I
would take one every other day sometimes, like there was
just no consistency in taking my medications, and honestly, it
(24:04):
really pushed back my healing a lot. Like it's kind
of crazy. And I still struggle with this today, Like
I feel like I've told you guys this, like I
will go to the doctor, the doctor will give me
a medication or reach out to this doctor because you
need extra help here or like whatever, and I won't
do it, and I don't get it, and it's something
that I'm really trying to change because I don't love
(24:26):
this about myself because it's like your health is one
of the only things that you can control. It's like
something that you need to give time and energy to.
And it's just like I don't understand why I don't
care about my health sometimes, why I'm not proactive about it.
Why when I was at my lowest, am I depressed
(24:46):
and I finally found a medication that worked for me,
Like why I didn't continue to take it consistently, Like
I wish I had the answer. And I wonder if
anybody else struggles with this, Like if you guys do, like,
please DM me, like maybe I'll feel as bad a
one about myself, but like, yeah, it's just something I've
really noticed in the last couple of years that I
struggle with. And the biggest indicator of the struggle was
(25:08):
when Yeah, I went to a psychiatrist. We finally found
a cocktail of medications that worked for me, and I
just did not take them, and so I was literally
continuing to suffer when I had the medication there to
help me. And the thing about medications is they're not
the end all, be all, They are not going to
be the solution to your mental health issues, right. They
(25:30):
are simply the foundation in which you can start building
the house upon. And so by not taking these medications,
I was not able to make my foundation in which
I could build my house upon, and so I just
continue to really suffer a lot. And it wasn't until
I started taking my medications consistently that I started to
(25:54):
see improvement in my anxiety and my depression and my
day to day life because now that I'm at equilibrium
because of the medications, I can start to think more clearly,
have more energy, have the ability to cope, like something
that I struggle with in general, but especially when I
wasn't on my medications was I wasn't able to do
(26:17):
opposite action. And in DBTCBT therapy, opposite action is simply
just doing the opposite of what you want to do. Right, So,
when I was depressed, my brain was telling me I
want to stay in bed. I just want to lay
here and watch TV. However, in opposite action, it would be, Okay,
let me get up, let me change my clothes, let
(26:38):
me get a glass of water, and then you know,
maybe I could come back to the bed, back to
watching TV. However, you have to, you know, get yourself
to do the opposite of what you want to do
in order for it to be effective. And most times
you will realize that when you do opposite action, and
you just do it small steps at a time. Right, So,
if I don't want to get out of bed, the
(27:00):
first opposite action may be I'm gonna get out of
bed and go to the bathroom. And then the second
one could be I'm gonna change out of these pajamas
and into comfy pair of sweats. And you just keep
building and building and building, and all of a sudden
you'll notice that by slowly doing the opposite of what
you want to do, you actually feel better and you realize, wait,
(27:22):
this wasn't as hard or as bad or as terrible
as I thought it was going to be. Right, However,
when I wasn't on my medications, it was really really
really really really really really really hard to do that. Right,
Like think about taking a math test without a calculator.
That is basically what I was doing to myself, right, Like,
I look back and I'm enraged at myself for doing this. However,
(27:46):
we got there eventually, and that's all that matters. However,
it really wasn't until I was out of college that
I started taking my medications daily. So if you calculate that,
that is a year and day half after I started
seeing my psychiatrists that I finally started to take my
medication management seriously. And so it is a bit embarrassing
(28:09):
and it is a bit regretful, which is hard because
it's like you shouldn't have regrets, right, like you should
live and learn, and trust me, I lived and I
learned from this, and so I just urge you if
you are being prescribed medication for your mental health, like
take it. Take it, because if you do not take it,
(28:30):
you cannot get that foundation. You cannot be at the
equilibrium that you need to be at to function. And
I think a lot of people who struggle with mental
illness struggle to take their medications. Like I know, I've
seen friends that have struggled to do it too right,
But I'm just gonna say, I'm gonna remind you just
take it. And I hope that that story can be
(28:50):
influenced to take it because it was in almost until
two years later that I really started feeling better, and
it was because I really needed those medicines to bring
me to the equal stable point in which I could
start really coping with my anxiety and depression. Right now
that we've learned the lesson that we must take the
medicines and do what the doctors tell us to do,
(29:12):
we can go back to the story of I did
the program for nine weeks and then after that I
went back to school for my spring semester. And the
pandemic was definitely not a positive thing on our world.
It is a very sad thing. A lot of people
lost their lives. However, for the time of my life
(29:33):
that I was in, the pandemic was very life saving
because I was one hundred and ten percent not ready
to be back at school. It's really hard because BFA,
music theater programs are so so crazy that you are
so intense and so all encompassing. And so when I
(29:54):
got back to school and for where I was at
in my mental health journey, like, it was just really
hard to keep up. And by the time I like, so, guys,
it's so crazy because I got back to school and
six weeks later I came home because the pandemic started,
right but in those six weeks, I really I already
saw myself falling and just already getting to a mental
(30:15):
point where it was very hard for me to keep up.
So anyways, I came home from the pandemic, and you know,
if any of you guys went to college during the pandemic,
you know that school was not the same, especially that
first like three four months that it had hit. Like
the professors were just trying to keep you happy and
(30:36):
trying to make sure that you were okay, because honestly,
they weren't okay. They didn't know how to navigate this either,
And I mean navigating musical theater school virtually during a pandemic,
like it was nearly impossible, right, Like, it was very confusing,
It was very hard. And while yes, and maybe it
wasn't the best for my mental health, like it definitely
(30:57):
helped me finish school because like, you know, everything was
a lot easier to navigate than it was when I
was you know, there full time without the pandemic. And
then I went back to North Carolina for my senior year.
Elon did have in person classes. We were fully masked,
but again, as you can imagine, like doing musical theater
with a mask on is just absolutely terrible and it's
(31:21):
just like so funny to look back on, you guys,
because there was a tent right outside the Center for
Performing Arts where we would do all of our voice
classes because at the time it was believed or maybe
it's still is believed, but like that because singing, like
you're moving more air or whatever, it expels more germs
into the air, and so like we literally had to
(31:44):
sing and do our singing classes outside on the lawn
in front of the building because we couldn't sing in
a room together. And we also did a lot of
like pre recording our voices and we would lip sync
to them. Like it was just crazy. So that year, again,
like I just think everybody was trying to make it through.
(32:05):
No one was judging you for anything. However, I feel
like I took advantage of that a little bit, because
you know, I was already in a mentally bad place,
and then you know you're in college and you're supposed
to be having this college experience and you know you're
paying for your education, and it's it all just really sucks.
(32:25):
You can only see the same for people. You know,
you're supposed to be going to school for musical theater
and you're not even really doing that, and so I
think everybody was just trying to stay alive. And I
feel like I really kind of took advantage of the
situation in that, like, you know, I had accommodations when
(32:45):
I went back to school for my mental health, and
I would use them a lot. And you know what,
maybe I shouldn't say take advantage. You know, I was
still really struggling, and so I would miss classes a lot,
I would get a lot of like extra time on assignments,
and yeah, I think looking back at that time, I
feel like a little like embarrassed and like, again, like
I've been saying for the last five minutes, I did
(33:07):
what I had to do to get that degree. To
walk across the stage to make it to the end point,
and I did. And I think, who anybody who went
to college during the pandemic, like, kudos to us, we
did that. It is such a weird experience, and I've
met so many people like even Olivia is like, I
(33:29):
can't imagine having to go to school during the pandemic,
Like that is actually awful, like college, and so yeah,
it was a really hard experience. And then also my
senior year, my sexuality came into play, which was so
great for my mental health. Right, so the beginning of
(33:52):
my senior year September, I came out to my closest
family and friends as bisexual, and I had also started
my relationship with Olivia. And so I'm not really going
to get into the nitty gritty of all of that,
because Audrey and I had done a bunch of episodes
on our sexualities are coming out stories, and I'm happy
(34:12):
to do a refresher episode if anybody feels or wants that,
but on the screen, I'll put some episodes that you
can go to if you're interested in hearing more in
depth about like my sexuality and navigating that. However, what
I will say is that when I came out and
finally started addressing feelings and thoughts that I was having
(34:32):
since the age of twelve, it was a lot on
my mental health and especially my anxiety. I had a
lot of like compulsive I think that's the word thoughts
about like my sexuality and navigating it. I had a
lot of internalized homophobia, and that internalized homophobia resulted in
(34:56):
a lot of anxiety inspiraling thoughts about myself, what other
people are going to think of this? And just like, yeah,
navigating through internalized homophobia. I'm not going to get like
into the in depths of like some of the like
thoughts I was having, because those are like really deeply
(35:16):
personal and I'm not sure I want to or am
ready to share those things. However, I will say that
internalized homophobia is real, and if you are exploring your
sexuality or you've been out for a while, like I'm
four years into this and I still will have times
where my anxiety gets to me about my sexuality, just
(35:39):
know that you're like not alone in that. Because for
the first two years of my relationship, like I did
struggle with so much anxiety about my sexuality, about my
relationship what it meant about me and everything, and it
really weighed me down for a long time. However, what
I will say is once I started being open and
(36:00):
honest about the things that I was thinking and feeling
with my partner in therapy is when I really was
finally able to get over those things and move past them.
I think the best thing that has happened to me
in my relationship is learning to have healthy, open, honest
(36:22):
communication with my partner and feeling comfortable doing that, because
prior to that, I was just like keeping all of
these thoughts inside and they were like building up upon
each other. And then I had this moment where I
absolutely exploded, right and then when Olivia and I got
back together and we were like all right, like we're
(36:44):
not going to continue this cycle, like we're going to
work for a better future. I think a huge part
of that was us learning and working on our communication
and me realizing that I'm in a safe relationship that
I can be open and honest about any thing and
everything I'm feeling. And it's really changed my life. It's
(37:04):
changed all the anxiety I had about like my sexuality,
what it meant and all those things. But yeah, figuring
out that I was bisexual and coming to terms with
it was definitely another thing that rocked my senior year
and impacted my mental health for sure. And now at
this point, I've graduated from college, and I'll just do
(37:26):
like a little like overview of kind of what I've
been going through and figuring out about me, myself, my
mental health these last nearly four years of being out
of college, which is crazy, you guys. I cannot believe
this may will be like the fourth year, my completion
of my senior year of postgrad life. Like that is
so weird to me. However, I think, like out of college,
(37:49):
I've been struggling a lot with a couple of things.
Of course, one thing that I've definitely been struggling with.
And it's so funny because prior to recording this episode,
I was like tiding up my room a bit, and
I was watching Laura and Giraldo's volog Miss and you know,
she recently moved back to her home in Arizona, and
you know, she's struggling with how she's feeling about herself
(38:10):
in life and whatever. And she was like, you know,
now that I'm back in this home after like a
year and a half of being away from it. Like
I remember the girl that I was in this house,
you know, before I left and moved to Miami, And
you know, she's like that girl woke up at five am,
was working out consistently, like all of these you know,
amazing you know things that she felt about herself at
(38:32):
the time, and you know she wants to get back
to that, right And it reminds me of how I
felt a lot my senior year and like the first
couple of years I was postgrad, I was just like,
I want to get back to the girl I was
before I was depressed. I was like, I will do
anything or I would do anything to be that girl again,
(38:54):
because that girl was the go getter, grind, grind, grind,
would do anything to make her career happen. And now
I'm not that girl anymore. And that was really hard
for me to deal with. It was hard for me
to realize that I wasn't ever going to be that
girl again. Oh my god, why am I getting emotional?
(39:16):
I feel like who I feel some tears coming on?
But yeah, it was. It was really hard for me
to let that part of myself go because that girl
is so much of like all the success I had
when I was younger. Right, however, she was also really
struggling herself and she didn't even know it, right like
you guys, like I was so so anxious for so
(39:38):
many years, and that resulted in a multi year depressive
episode that yeah, it changed my life. It changed the
way that I navigate through life like and yeah, for
a while, I just wanted to be that girl so
badly again. I wanted to be the girl that did
everything and thing, you know, for her career and for
(40:03):
her success. And on the other side of all of this,
like I now struggle with a lot of anxiety around
getting really depressed again. You know, I really can serve
my energy to another degree and again that all or nothing, like,
it can be really hard for me to navigate. Sometimes
(40:23):
I conserve my energy way too much. I am so
fearful of getting that down again that like, you know,
I can be overly cautious with my energy. I can
be very easily overwhelmed. And that's not exactly what I
want either. And I think that's the part of the
phase of my life that I'm in right now is
(40:44):
navigating how to not like be at these two extremes, right,
I've I've been talking about that a bit in this
allure that I've been explaining to you guys. But yeah,
I think like I went from right and being super
duper anxious to super duper love. Oh and then I
was like, Okay, I don't want to go back down there.
So I'm just going to not do things that overwhelm me.
(41:09):
And that doesn't work. That doesn't work, unfortunately. As much
as I wish that I could avoid all the things
that make me feel super overwhelmed and anxious, like, I
cannot do that. Like, there's a lot of things in
life that make me feel anxious. Right, And so I
think I'm in this phase of my life right now where, yeah,
I'm learning to kind of find my median, my equilibrium.
(41:32):
How can I protect and can serve my energy to
a healthy extent while also knowing when it's time to
go get it's time to put myself out there. I
actually said that in my last therapy session. I was like,
how can I just push myself a little bit more?
How can I get just a little bit more from myself?
(41:52):
Because I feel like I can, right, I feel like
I am conserving my energy just a little bit too much.
I'm getting easily overwhelmed too much, Like how can I
push myself without going all the way over to the
grind grind, grind eat sleep career, you know, over and
(42:13):
over again. And I haven't figured it out yet, And
that's okay. I know it's going to take some time
to figure that out and to figure out what some
sort of balance looks like for me. And I know
a lot of people are like, balance isn't real, and look,
maybe it isn't one hundred percent real, And like I've said,
(42:34):
I really don't want to be living in this all
or nothing lifestyle where it's like six months of all,
six months of nothing. So there's got to be some
balance of that, you know, Am I right? But I
feel like these last four years have been characterized by
a lot of anxiety about getting depressed again, needing to
accept and let go of older versions of myself, and
(42:55):
then of course just dealing with the uncertainties of figuring
life out in my twenties and adulting and figuring out
what works for me what doesn't work for me. And
I think I said it somewhere in this episode, but yeah,
I'm very much in this in progress home renovation stage
of my life. It's coming back to me. I said
it in the intro, and I'm learning to be okay
(43:19):
with that. And as somebody who is anxious and wants
to control everything about her life, like it is really
hard to be okay with that. And I'm so happy
and excited that I can come on here every week
and share this open and honest journey with you guys,
because I just feel like so many people on the
(43:39):
Internet are not like super vulnerable about stuff. It's like
they'll say like, oh, yeah, I'm feeling uncertain or like
everything's not perfect, but they won't really get into it.
And that's why I love this like longer format because
I love being able to just like describe things because
I know when I see longer formats of and see
somebody really describe vibe the struggles that they're going through,
(44:02):
like it really does make me feel connected to them
and it makes me feel like I'm not alone and
all of that. But yeah, I'm in this experimental phase
of my life, as I talk about in therapy all
the time, testing what works for me, what doesn't work
for me, and just because something doesn't work for me,
it doesn't mean that it's a failure, and the same
applies to you. You know, when I left this job,
(44:23):
my therapist had to remind me a lot that just
because this job didn't work for me, that that's okay.
At first, I said something along the lines of like, oh, yeah,
this job wasn't right for me, I didn't do it right,
like something along the lines of like it phrases it
kind of like a failure. My therapist was like, no, no, no, no, no,
(44:45):
no no. She said, this job doesn't work for you.
This thing didn't work for you, and that is okay.
And now you're continuing to walk along the path to
figure out what does work for you. And really that
is so much of what defines our twenties and our
life's in general. Like we're always clueless about something, am
(45:07):
I right? Like there is always something to feel uncertain
about and to navigate and to figure out. Yeah, And honestly,
this year was a huge figuring out life and progress
home renovation year. Like I always like to tell people,
twenty twenty four was painful. It was painful in a
unique way because all of these changes were happening, moving out,
(45:28):
becoming financially independent, going on zep bound, not losing, quitting
my job, realizing like I have no idea what the
fuck I want to do with my life, Like it's
been a painful year in the self growth area. However,
I know that the coming out of that and the
positive effects of going through all that change is coming.
(45:50):
I don't know when, but it's coming anyways. That is
my anxiety lore, you guys. That is the story of
being dead at twelve to where I am at twenty
six years old. I think I've said this many times
throughout these last two episodes, but my anxiety disorder, you know,
influences who I am. It influenced me to start this podcast.
(46:14):
It influences me to show up as authentically and vulnerably
as I can in the social media internet world. And
I really hope that you can feel that in watching
the podcast, dming with me like whatever it may be,
Thank you for holding space for my story and for listening.
And I really hope that you were able to relate
(46:35):
to or feel seen at some point in these last
two episodes. And like I say at the end of
every episode, please DM me if you have or if
you do feel resemblance to anything that I talked about
in these last two episodes. I know that dealing with
mental illness can feel so lonely, and so I'm happy
(46:56):
to chat and relate or maybe even not talk about
it at all, and just like send some laughs back
and forth. I love love communicating with you guys in
the DMS. So thank you so much, you guys for
listening to this episode. These last two episodes especially, they
mean a lot to me, and I really hope they
made sense. Sometimes when I'm sitting here talking to myself,
(47:18):
I'm like, I hope this story is coming out the
way that I want to. Anyways, you can follow the
podcast on TikTok, YouTube and Instagram at completely cluelespod. If
you're looking for more of my personal journeys my day
to day life, you can follow me on Instagram and
TikTok at Sarah alis Lyddy. I'm Black Black. I'm back
in my vlogging era, really getting into that on TikTok again.
(47:41):
Like I said, I have a lot more time to
give to that, so follow me on Socialist. Let's be friends,
and I hope you guys have a terrific Tuesday, a
wonderful week, and do not forget to be mother fucking
clueless period. Love you guys, byee,
Hello, My Clueless queens. Before we get into today's episode,
I want to give a trigger warning. I will be
speaking about sensitive subjects when it comes to mental health,
like mental illness, self harm, suicidal ideation. If these things
are not something you want to hear about, that it's
totally okay. I recommend turning off this episode right now
and I will see you in the next one. Hello,
(00:29):
My Clueless Queens, Welcome back to the Completely Clueless podcast.
I am your host, Sarah Alice Liddy, and I got
some updates for you guys on my life. I feel
like it's been a second since I've sort of addressed
the elephant in the room of girl, you do not
have a job. You're living back at home in your
childhood home, Like, what is going on? I feel like
(00:50):
I've sort of have you guys with a bit of
a cliffhanger in that explanation episode a couple episodes ago
about why I quit my job. In all of that,
but I have an update. I got a survival job,
which is very exciting and honestly, it is making me
feel a lot better mentally. The last month, all during November,
(01:10):
I kind of rotted like a lot. I feel like
after I quit my job, I was just a bit
burnt out and just had a lot of negative emotions
because being a corporate grind slave was not great for
me mentally, and I feel like I needed a second
(01:33):
to rot. I wish I would have tried to climb
out of my rot hole a bit earlier, because as
somebody with anxiety and can be prone to depression, I
feel like the longer I let myself sit in a
rotting phase, the harder it is to get out of it,
the more depressed I feel. Like. Towards the end of it,
(01:55):
I was like, Okay, like we got to get out
of this. I'm starting to feel like I always want
to be asleep and in bed and that's just like
not great for me mentally, and to be quite honest,
I was a bit anxious about starting this job. After
my first day, I like thought to myself, I'm like, Wow,
this is not what I worked it up to be
in my head, like why was I so anxious to
(02:18):
get this started? And I think it's having those experiences
and then remembering the next time like you're starting something
new and recalling like, oh I did I've done this
before and it wasn't that bad, like just remember that.
So having that experience I think was good for me
because I really feel like I pushed off starting my
(02:41):
survival job because I was just like, ugh, I don't
want to work again. I don't want to feel so
like what is the word, so just like drained that's
the word. So drained from the working all day and
then you get home and it's pitch black dark, and
you eat and you fall asleep and you do it
all over again, like you know that, like really just
(03:02):
sad cycle of work eat sleep, work, eat sleep. However,
after my three days, my first three days, so like
let's just preface that it's only been three days, but
I will say, like I'm feeling really good about it.
Have I mentioned what I'm even doing it? I don't
know if if I had, if I haven't. I am
working in a grocery store, specifically in their bakery department,
(03:26):
which I feel like is like cut see like come
on like me like as a bakery queen, Like it
is really cute. And honestly I was hesitant with this job,
especially I think I mentioned this, but just in case
I didn't, this grocery store is in my hometown. You know,
all the people go there, and that's kind of what
(03:48):
was like, I think making me anxious about starting this
was just like oh my god, like all these people
are gonna see me working in the grocery store and
have judgments about me. Like my anxiety was like what
are these people gonna think about me and what I'm
doing with my life? And honestly, like since these three
these first three days have happened, I feel like I've
(04:09):
already gotten over that and have been like, you know what,
like this is where I'm at in my life. This
isn't forever, and right now I need money, Like I think,
like the move to the city, you guys, is like
happening in the new year, and I need money, you know,
And so I'm just trying to put my purpose at
the forefront of every single day. It's like, who the
(04:29):
fuck cares who? You see what they think, Like it's
my business what they think. Anyways, you know, you're in
a good spot. You're doing what you need to do
to get by, and that's just like the most important thing.
And honestly, you guys, like I know it's only been
three days, but like I feel like I'm really enjoying it.
My coworkers are all so so nice. They're all so thoughtful,
(04:56):
caring and helpful. Like literally, they all are just like
helping me with anything I need. I can ask any
question to them, And I think that's really important, is
when you feel like you're in a space that you
feel safe to be like, hey, like how do you
do this? How do you do that? And like when
people respond, they're not like how do you not already
know how to do that? You know, like they're willing
(05:18):
to teach you and help you figure out how to
do what they're doing in the job. You know. I
ended up having to open on my second day, which
was a little bit intimidating, but honestly, like by the
end of that first day, like people were like, are
you nervous? Are you okay? And I was like, Yeah,
I'm gonna be okay because this team and the people
around me have already proven to me that like I
(05:41):
can ask for help and like if something goes wrong
or if I don't know how to do something, like
I can grab somebody and say like, hey, can you
show me how to do this? Or Hey, I have
this customer I don't know how to do x y Z,
like can you help me out? Like, and the second
day when I opened, it went great and one of
the store managers was behind there helping me. And so
it just feels like this community of people that like
(06:03):
want to help you are super supportive and honestly, like
it's just been so much fun to like gab and
get to know them. And that's made me realize that
even though I am totally a proponent of the hybrid
schedule in like corporate America life, because like it's the balance, right,
you get a little bit of the in office and
a little bit of the work at home, I feel
(06:25):
like this experience has reminded me like why it's so
important to have in office in person work environments. Because
at my last job, it started as a fully remote job,
so and we were allowed to go into the office
like here and there, and like when I was doing
(06:46):
content shoots for the brand that I worked on, I
would obviously go in because that has to be in person. However,
for the first like six to eight months that I
worked at this job, like it was mainly at home,
and it was really hard to get to know people
that way, right, because you're really only seeing people when
you are doing something for work. And then when we
(07:06):
started going into the office, you know, you find those
little in between moments where you get lunch with a
friend where you talk with them, or you gossip, or
you get coffee, you know what I mean. But this
job I had to start right in person, like it
can't do bakery work from home. And I think it's
just reminded me how important like human connection is, and
especially when you're getting to know people like that first day,
(07:30):
the coworkers I was working with, like we were just
all like getting to know each other, asking questions, and
it was nice because they were asking me questions too,
and then I was able to ask them questions. I
think sometimes like you ever meet people and they just
don't ask you anything about yourself, and so you're having
to just like ask and ask and ask to keep
the conversation going. And I feel like podcasting, especially doing
(07:53):
like the interviews, has really helped me with that. Like,
in order to get to know somebody, like I'll just
start asking questions, but it kind of sucks when nobody
asks you the questions back. And so it was so
nice to this one girl, like she was asking me
things about myself, like what do you like to watch?
We started talking about Rue Paul in reality TV and
suggesting shows to each other, and you know, it's just
(08:15):
like stuff like that that makes you feel like good
and you're like, oh, like human connection is good. You know. Yeah,
So things are going well. I'm happy that I'm working.
Oh my god. The first three days, though, I had
to work seven to three, and so I had to
wake up at five am, and it was so so tough.
(08:36):
By Friday night, Like you guys, I went to bed
at eleven thirty on Friday night and I slept until
noon the next day. I was exhausted after the three days,
especially because and something that I think is really good
for me about this job is I have to be
on my feet working in corporate America. The last like
(08:58):
two and a half years, Like including the internshi IF I had.
Before my last job, I was not on my feet
very much, especially the last year when I moved into
my apartment in the city, Like I was so sedentary
and it was really starting to affect my body. My
hips were always hurting, my lower back, like I just
was not mobile at all. And so it's really great
(09:21):
that this job is forcing me to like move my body,
be on my feet. You know, you're constantly up down
all around doing things, especially because it's a holiday season
and you know, like bakery life in the hot you guys.
I'm like, you know, bakery life and the holiday season
like I know anything, But all I know is that
it's busy, you know, the customer service and the holiday
(09:43):
season is busy. So you know, we are just like
a well oiled machine. I am making bag ats like
there's nobody's business, you guys. It's giving Marie the bag
Getts hurry up. Like literally, I make so many bag
ads all day every day and it's fun, Like I
can't complain about it. And I think what's most important
(10:06):
that I've realized in the last three days is that
when it comes home from work, I don't feel like
I don't want to do my own content or the podcast.
I feel like I have energy to do those things,
which I didn't have energy to do before because I
was making content all day. So it feels like this
(10:27):
nice separation, like I can go and worry about making
bad gets cookie platters and cream puffs all day, and
then by the time I get home, I can edit
my vlog footage, I can think of ideas, I can
edit the podcast, and it's not like draining work. So
that's the update on that things are good and it
(10:49):
feels like I've taken a step forward in this time
in my life where I'm kind of like in progress.
That's what I've been talking a lot about in therapy
and trying to accept and realize is that I am
really in this phase of life right now where I
am in progress. And Olivia actually gave me the best
(11:11):
analogy that is really helping me to find acceptance of
this like figuring out phase of my life because I
feel like, for me and for so many others, like
it just poses so much uncertainty and fear that it's
uncomfortable and therefore we're just like so down on ourselves
about being in this period of life and you just
(11:33):
don't really feel that great. But Olivia compared this part
of my life to renovating a home, and they were like, Sarah,
you are under renovation right now. And I just love
that one because it gives me an image and I'm
such a visual like learner and so seeing like right
the image of a house like completely bare bones and
(11:55):
knowing how long and how complicated home renovation is right,
Like applying that to the phase of life that I'm in,
it makes so much sense and it's so much easier
to like accept. I don't know why, but like if
that helps anybody else out, Like if you're just in
(12:16):
this phase of life where you just are so uncertain
you're making a career change of life pivot or you're
just like living life and feeling confused about how to
make it through. Like think about yourself as a home
and you're renovating a home and you know maybe like
certain parts of your home are done, but like your
bathroom isn't and you're like and knocking it down, and
like something that I think about a lot with the
(12:37):
home renovation analogy is that like homes take so long
to renovate and they're complicated to renovate, and like this
person ordered the wrong part and like whatever. And I
feel like that is such a great analogy for how
like life in progress is right, because like you try something,
it doesn't work, you got to go back to this
(12:59):
point or you know it works in this way, so
you like make a pivot to like the laft you
know what I mean, Like it's kind of like that.
And so I've been really looking at my life as
a renovation right now, and so it feels good to
have like one little screw tightly wound on my home
(13:22):
that I am renovating with starting this survival job. And again, like,
I'm not sure how long I'll be at this job because,
like I said a little earlier, like it's it is
looking like I will maybe I don't. It's so hard
because I don't want to like Jinx anything, but like
it's looking like the city will be in my near
future again. And so yeah, but for now, I'm just
(13:43):
like relishing in what I'm feeling, the positive energy, waking
up early and having somewhere to go, Like, I just
think all that stuff is good for me, it's good
for you. You know. Something that Meg Jay always says
is like when she works with twenty somethings, She's like,
I don't like to work with two some things that
don't have a job. And you know, I think that
can be very controversial, right, Like one, it can be
(14:06):
hard to get a job in today's market to like, well,
I don't know, I feel like most people work, but yes,
I feel like it is hard to find a job, so, like,
you know, but I think it's because it really does
help you get up and get out, have something to
go to, even if like the dream and what you're
doing is something that you're doing like outside of working hours.
(14:27):
Oh yeah, And something I did want to say is
that I put up a vlog on my TikTok about
my first day going to my survival job, and somebody
literally commented what the fuck is a survival job? Which
I thought was very funny because a part of me
was like, you're so right, like this is just a job.
But I do feel like a survival job is different
from like a regular job, because personally, I see a
(14:50):
survival job like as your means of survival. Right. As
somebody that grew up as an actor, it was often
told to me like, you will have a survival job
while you are auditioning trying to make the dream work.
And I see so many of my friends do it, right.
They work in retail, they work in the restaurant industry
while they are auditioning, and then if they get a role,
(15:13):
they leave that job and they go and do the
thing right. So I think, to me, a survival job
is your means of survival while you are pursuing a dream.
It is a job that is not in the career
field that you necessarily want to be in. However, we
all have bills to pay. We all need money in
this capitalistic society, so you know, you got to work
(15:36):
and it's a survival job. I don't know. I like
the term. I think it helps me not see this
job as my forever, right, It's just the foundation I
need to, like, yeah, pay my bills, have like the
money to go out to dinner with friends, to save etc.
While I also, in the time that I'm not at
(15:59):
that job, pursue and try to make my dreams happen. However,
now I actually want to pivot back into my anxiety
lore journey. As you can see, I'm by myself right now,
and I was like, oh, I'm gonna do the next
part with Olivia, but I sort of decided that I
wanted to finish talking about my journey by myself and
then do another episode. One last episode for the year.
(16:22):
We're going to make it a clueless column and it's
going to be about anxiety. So you guys had submitted
some really great questions about like when I had asked
you what do you want to hear about like my
anxiety journey, and I really want to address those questions
and give them their time. And I want to put
up another Q and A box on the podcast Instagram,
(16:42):
which is at completely Clueless pod, so that you guys
can ask more questions and we can talk about them
with our residential Clueless therapist Olivia in the next episode.
So that is the little game plan for the rest
of the year. You'll have this episode, well the next episode,
and then I'm taking three weeks of holiday vacation. So again,
(17:05):
before we get started, I just want to disclaim that
this is not medical advice. This is my journey with
mental illness and anxiety. If you are struggling with your
mental health, I highly highly urge you and recommend you
to go see a professional, Go see your doctor, talk
to somebody that loves and supports you, and reach out
for help. It is the best thing that I ever
(17:27):
did for myself. And I just want to give a
quick trigger warning. We are going to be talking about
sensitive topics in the mental health sphere, such as self harm, suicide,
mental illness, et cetera. So if that is something that
you do not want to listen to That is a okay.
I would just recommend turning off this podcast now and
going about your day and I'll see you in the
(17:49):
next episode. All right, you guys, Let's pick up where
we left off, which is me leaving college to go
to an outpatient program back at home and need just
a little recap. At the beginning of my junior year,
I was experiencing a lot of depressive symptoms like not
wanting to get out of bed, losing passion for the
(18:09):
things I love, isolating, and not want to socialize. And
so I went to my voice teacher about this because
she was a professor at school that I really trusted,
and she suggested that I speak to my parents and
medical professionals about it, and that is what we did together.
And then a couple hours later that same day, I
was on a flight home to go back home see
(18:30):
my parents and figure out what was going on. So
I get home from college and it was hard, and
I think it was really hard on my parents to
see me this way because it was so opposite of
who I've ever been. You know, I was always so
fueled by anxiety and my go get our spirit that
being down and not wanting to do anything was I
(18:54):
think hard for them to see, and honestly, at times
it was hard for me to like explain to them.
Like example, I remember the first couple weeks I was home,
my dad was like, Oh, you should go to Soul
Cycle and do this and do that, and I was
like trying to get him to understand, like I wish
I could go to Soul Cycle and I could be
(19:15):
in this phase of like, you know, trying to piece
my life back together, but like I can barely get
out of bed, change my clothes, go outside, Like I
just needed to focus on, you know, rehabilitating the very
very basic foundations of my life. And I think that
is what is so shocking and so jarring about depression,
(19:39):
is that you lose the ability to function as a human,
to do the littlest things like take a shower, brush
your teeth, wash your face, change out of your pajamas,
and so when you are going through treatment and seeking help,
it's really you focusing on rebuilding those base life foundations.
(20:01):
And I remember, like my therapist at the time, we
were like, okay, like you wake up, you change out
of your pajamas and get into a different set of
like pajamas or comfy clothes. You go downstairs, you take
your dog out around the corner and walk him around
the corner, and then you can go back and you
cannot go back to your bed, but you can go
to your mom's bed. Like it was literally the very
(20:25):
basic necessities of life that I was trying to build
back up. And I think for people who have never
experienced oppression or aren't experiencing it at the same time
as you, it can be very hard to understand that
or maybe to empathize with what like the other person
is going through. It's like, oh, in my head, yeah,
(20:47):
I think it. Just go take a soul psychle class,
like make yourself feel better, do something. But the other person,
you know, it's literally the biggest feet is to like
get out of bed, you know, so that it's not
really equivalent. Anyways. I attended a hospital in Connecticut. It's
called silver Hill Hospital. I was in an outpatient program there,
(21:10):
which means I would go to therapy, like the group
therapy three times a week for like four or five hours.
I was also required to have one individual one on
one therapy outside of that, and I was also seeing
a psychiatrist at the time for medication management. So my
(21:30):
week was a lot of therapy. I forget. I think
it was like Tuesday, Thursday, Friday maybe, but I would
drive up to Connecticut I would do the three or
four hours of group therapy, which was DBT based. And
I'm actually gonna read this directly from my notes right
now because I want you guys to know this in
case you're ever going through a hard time or you're
(21:52):
currently going through a hard time and you're like, what
do I do? A lot of IOPs, which is intensive
outpatient pro Grahams focus on DBT dialectical behavioral therapy because
it really helps in crisis or distressing moments. And basically
we literally get this work book that you work out
of in the therapy and you focus on distress tolerance,
(22:17):
emotional regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. And every single day
you focus on something new and you also have a
homework assignment. Like there's literally a work book on it.
You can literally find it on like Amazon if you're interested,
and it is helping you rebuild your life, and you know,
(22:38):
you get the connection of being with other people in
the room. I was also going to see my therapist
one on one once a week, and we were working
on the things that I was learning in this group
therapy and obviously just like rehabilitation. And then I also
got a new psychiatrist, which was really great because the
one that just prescribed me prozac and never checked up
(22:59):
on me, never did like a three month check in
or even like a check in right after I started
taking the medication, which is like very normal. I'm glad
I got to leave that behind and go to a
new psychiatrist who I still see today and I think
is absolutely incredible, because the thing about psychiatric meds is
(23:20):
like there's a lot of trial and error and testing
and figuring out what's gonna work for you and what
may work in one stage of your life may not
work in another stage of your life. Like every three
months we still meet and she still asked me like
are these working for you? Oh, do you want to
adjust this or adjust that? And dah da da da da.
And so during that time we found a cocktail of
(23:40):
medications that worked for me. However, however, guys, this is
really embarrassing to admit, I did not take my medications.
I didn't and I didn't take them consistently, like I
would take one every other day sometimes, like there was
just no consistency in taking my medications, and honestly, it
(24:04):
really pushed back my healing a lot. Like it's kind
of crazy. And I still struggle with this today, Like
I feel like I've told you guys this, like I
will go to the doctor, the doctor will give me
a medication or reach out to this doctor because you
need extra help here or like whatever, and I won't
do it, and I don't get it, and it's something
that I'm really trying to change because I don't love
(24:26):
this about myself because it's like your health is one
of the only things that you can control. It's like
something that you need to give time and energy to.
And it's just like I don't understand why I don't
care about my health sometimes, why I'm not proactive about it.
Why when I was at my lowest, am I depressed
(24:46):
and I finally found a medication that worked for me,
Like why I didn't continue to take it consistently, Like
I wish I had the answer. And I wonder if
anybody else struggles with this, Like if you guys do, like,
please DM me, like maybe I'll feel as bad a
one about myself, but like, yeah, it's just something I've
really noticed in the last couple of years that I
struggle with. And the biggest indicator of the struggle was
(25:08):
when Yeah, I went to a psychiatrist. We finally found
a cocktail of medications that worked for me, and I
just did not take them, and so I was literally
continuing to suffer when I had the medication there to
help me. And the thing about medications is they're not
the end all, be all, They are not going to
be the solution to your mental health issues, right. They
(25:30):
are simply the foundation in which you can start building
the house upon. And so by not taking these medications,
I was not able to make my foundation in which
I could build my house upon, and so I just
continue to really suffer a lot. And it wasn't until
I started taking my medications consistently that I started to
(25:54):
see improvement in my anxiety and my depression and my
day to day life because now that I'm at equilibrium
because of the medications, I can start to think more clearly,
have more energy, have the ability to cope, like something
that I struggle with in general, but especially when I
wasn't on my medications was I wasn't able to do
(26:17):
opposite action. And in DBTCBT therapy, opposite action is simply
just doing the opposite of what you want to do. Right, So,
when I was depressed, my brain was telling me I
want to stay in bed. I just want to lay
here and watch TV. However, in opposite action, it would be, Okay,
let me get up, let me change my clothes, let
(26:38):
me get a glass of water, and then you know,
maybe I could come back to the bed, back to
watching TV. However, you have to, you know, get yourself
to do the opposite of what you want to do
in order for it to be effective. And most times
you will realize that when you do opposite action, and
you just do it small steps at a time. Right, So,
if I don't want to get out of bed, the
(27:00):
first opposite action may be I'm gonna get out of
bed and go to the bathroom. And then the second
one could be I'm gonna change out of these pajamas
and into comfy pair of sweats. And you just keep
building and building and building, and all of a sudden
you'll notice that by slowly doing the opposite of what
you want to do, you actually feel better and you realize, wait,
(27:22):
this wasn't as hard or as bad or as terrible
as I thought it was going to be. Right, However,
when I wasn't on my medications, it was really really
really really really really really really hard to do that. Right,
Like think about taking a math test without a calculator.
That is basically what I was doing to myself, right, Like,
I look back and I'm enraged at myself for doing this. However,
(27:46):
we got there eventually, and that's all that matters. However,
it really wasn't until I was out of college that
I started taking my medications daily. So if you calculate that,
that is a year and day half after I started
seeing my psychiatrists that I finally started to take my
medication management seriously. And so it is a bit embarrassing
(28:09):
and it is a bit regretful, which is hard because
it's like you shouldn't have regrets, right, like you should
live and learn, and trust me, I lived and I
learned from this, and so I just urge you if
you are being prescribed medication for your mental health, like
take it. Take it, because if you do not take it,
(28:30):
you cannot get that foundation. You cannot be at the
equilibrium that you need to be at to function. And
I think a lot of people who struggle with mental
illness struggle to take their medications. Like I know, I've
seen friends that have struggled to do it too right,
But I'm just gonna say, I'm gonna remind you just
take it. And I hope that that story can be
(28:50):
influenced to take it because it was in almost until
two years later that I really started feeling better, and
it was because I really needed those medicines to bring
me to the equal stable point in which I could
start really coping with my anxiety and depression. Right now
that we've learned the lesson that we must take the
medicines and do what the doctors tell us to do,
(29:12):
we can go back to the story of I did
the program for nine weeks and then after that I
went back to school for my spring semester. And the
pandemic was definitely not a positive thing on our world.
It is a very sad thing. A lot of people
lost their lives. However, for the time of my life
(29:33):
that I was in, the pandemic was very life saving
because I was one hundred and ten percent not ready
to be back at school. It's really hard because BFA,
music theater programs are so so crazy that you are
so intense and so all encompassing. And so when I
(29:54):
got back to school and for where I was at
in my mental health journey, like, it was just really
hard to keep up. And by the time I like, so, guys,
it's so crazy because I got back to school and
six weeks later I came home because the pandemic started,
right but in those six weeks, I really I already
saw myself falling and just already getting to a mental
(30:15):
point where it was very hard for me to keep up.
So anyways, I came home from the pandemic, and you know,
if any of you guys went to college during the pandemic,
you know that school was not the same, especially that
first like three four months that it had hit. Like
the professors were just trying to keep you happy and
(30:36):
trying to make sure that you were okay, because honestly,
they weren't okay. They didn't know how to navigate this either,
And I mean navigating musical theater school virtually during a pandemic,
like it was nearly impossible, right, Like, it was very confusing,
It was very hard. And while yes, and maybe it
wasn't the best for my mental health, like it definitely
(30:57):
helped me finish school because like, you know, everything was
a lot easier to navigate than it was when I
was you know, there full time without the pandemic. And
then I went back to North Carolina for my senior year.
Elon did have in person classes. We were fully masked,
but again, as you can imagine, like doing musical theater
with a mask on is just absolutely terrible and it's
(31:21):
just like so funny to look back on, you guys,
because there was a tent right outside the Center for
Performing Arts where we would do all of our voice
classes because at the time it was believed or maybe
it's still is believed, but like that because singing, like
you're moving more air or whatever, it expels more germs
into the air, and so like we literally had to
(31:44):
sing and do our singing classes outside on the lawn
in front of the building because we couldn't sing in
a room together. And we also did a lot of
like pre recording our voices and we would lip sync
to them. Like it was just crazy. So that year, again,
like I just think everybody was trying to make it through.
(32:05):
No one was judging you for anything. However, I feel
like I took advantage of that a little bit, because
you know, I was already in a mentally bad place,
and then you know you're in college and you're supposed
to be having this college experience and you know you're
paying for your education, and it's it all just really sucks.
(32:25):
You can only see the same for people. You know,
you're supposed to be going to school for musical theater
and you're not even really doing that, and so I
think everybody was just trying to stay alive. And I
feel like I really kind of took advantage of the
situation in that, like, you know, I had accommodations when
(32:45):
I went back to school for my mental health, and
I would use them a lot. And you know what,
maybe I shouldn't say take advantage. You know, I was
still really struggling, and so I would miss classes a lot,
I would get a lot of like extra time on assignments,
and yeah, I think looking back at that time, I
feel like a little like embarrassed and like, again, like
I've been saying for the last five minutes, I did
(33:07):
what I had to do to get that degree. To
walk across the stage to make it to the end point,
and I did. And I think, who anybody who went
to college during the pandemic, like, kudos to us, we
did that. It is such a weird experience, and I've
met so many people like even Olivia is like, I
(33:29):
can't imagine having to go to school during the pandemic,
Like that is actually awful, like college, and so yeah,
it was a really hard experience. And then also my
senior year, my sexuality came into play, which was so
great for my mental health. Right, so the beginning of
(33:52):
my senior year September, I came out to my closest
family and friends as bisexual, and I had also started
my relationship with Olivia. And so I'm not really going
to get into the nitty gritty of all of that,
because Audrey and I had done a bunch of episodes
on our sexualities are coming out stories, and I'm happy
(34:12):
to do a refresher episode if anybody feels or wants that,
but on the screen, I'll put some episodes that you
can go to if you're interested in hearing more in
depth about like my sexuality and navigating that. However, what
I will say is that when I came out and
finally started addressing feelings and thoughts that I was having
(34:32):
since the age of twelve, it was a lot on
my mental health and especially my anxiety. I had a
lot of like compulsive I think that's the word thoughts
about like my sexuality and navigating it. I had a
lot of internalized homophobia, and that internalized homophobia resulted in
(34:56):
a lot of anxiety inspiraling thoughts about myself, what other
people are going to think of this? And just like, yeah,
navigating through internalized homophobia. I'm not going to get like
into the in depths of like some of the like
thoughts I was having, because those are like really deeply
(35:16):
personal and I'm not sure I want to or am
ready to share those things. However, I will say that
internalized homophobia is real, and if you are exploring your
sexuality or you've been out for a while, like I'm
four years into this and I still will have times
where my anxiety gets to me about my sexuality, just
(35:39):
know that you're like not alone in that. Because for
the first two years of my relationship, like I did
struggle with so much anxiety about my sexuality, about my
relationship what it meant about me and everything, and it
really weighed me down for a long time. However, what
I will say is once I started being open and
(36:00):
honest about the things that I was thinking and feeling
with my partner in therapy is when I really was
finally able to get over those things and move past them.
I think the best thing that has happened to me
in my relationship is learning to have healthy, open, honest
(36:22):
communication with my partner and feeling comfortable doing that, because
prior to that, I was just like keeping all of
these thoughts inside and they were like building up upon
each other. And then I had this moment where I
absolutely exploded, right and then when Olivia and I got
back together and we were like all right, like we're
(36:44):
not going to continue this cycle, like we're going to
work for a better future. I think a huge part
of that was us learning and working on our communication
and me realizing that I'm in a safe relationship that
I can be open and honest about any thing and
everything I'm feeling. And it's really changed my life. It's
(37:04):
changed all the anxiety I had about like my sexuality,
what it meant and all those things. But yeah, figuring
out that I was bisexual and coming to terms with
it was definitely another thing that rocked my senior year
and impacted my mental health for sure. And now at
this point, I've graduated from college, and I'll just do
(37:26):
like a little like overview of kind of what I've
been going through and figuring out about me, myself, my
mental health these last nearly four years of being out
of college, which is crazy, you guys. I cannot believe
this may will be like the fourth year, my completion
of my senior year of postgrad life. Like that is
so weird to me. However, I think, like out of college,
(37:49):
I've been struggling a lot with a couple of things.
Of course, one thing that I've definitely been struggling with.
And it's so funny because prior to recording this episode,
I was like tiding up my room a bit, and
I was watching Laura and Giraldo's volog Miss and you know,
she recently moved back to her home in Arizona, and
you know, she's struggling with how she's feeling about herself
(38:10):
in life and whatever. And she was like, you know,
now that I'm back in this home after like a
year and a half of being away from it. Like
I remember the girl that I was in this house,
you know, before I left and moved to Miami, And
you know, she's like that girl woke up at five am,
was working out consistently, like all of these you know,
amazing you know things that she felt about herself at
(38:32):
the time, and you know she wants to get back
to that, right And it reminds me of how I
felt a lot my senior year and like the first
couple of years I was postgrad, I was just like,
I want to get back to the girl I was
before I was depressed. I was like, I will do
anything or I would do anything to be that girl again,
(38:54):
because that girl was the go getter, grind, grind, grind,
would do anything to make her career happen. And now
I'm not that girl anymore. And that was really hard
for me to deal with. It was hard for me
to realize that I wasn't ever going to be that
girl again. Oh my god, why am I getting emotional?
(39:16):
I feel like who I feel some tears coming on?
But yeah, it was. It was really hard for me
to let that part of myself go because that girl
is so much of like all the success I had
when I was younger. Right, however, she was also really
struggling herself and she didn't even know it, right like
you guys, like I was so so anxious for so
(39:38):
many years, and that resulted in a multi year depressive
episode that yeah, it changed my life. It changed the
way that I navigate through life like and yeah, for
a while, I just wanted to be that girl so
badly again. I wanted to be the girl that did
everything and thing, you know, for her career and for
(40:03):
her success. And on the other side of all of this,
like I now struggle with a lot of anxiety around
getting really depressed again. You know, I really can serve
my energy to another degree and again that all or nothing, like,
it can be really hard for me to navigate. Sometimes
(40:23):
I conserve my energy way too much. I am so
fearful of getting that down again that like, you know,
I can be overly cautious with my energy. I can
be very easily overwhelmed. And that's not exactly what I
want either. And I think that's the part of the
phase of my life that I'm in right now is
(40:44):
navigating how to not like be at these two extremes, right,
I've I've been talking about that a bit in this
allure that I've been explaining to you guys. But yeah,
I think like I went from right and being super
duper anxious to super duper love. Oh and then I
was like, Okay, I don't want to go back down there.
So I'm just going to not do things that overwhelm me.
(41:09):
And that doesn't work. That doesn't work, unfortunately. As much
as I wish that I could avoid all the things
that make me feel super overwhelmed and anxious, like, I
cannot do that. Like, there's a lot of things in
life that make me feel anxious. Right, And so I
think I'm in this phase of my life right now where, yeah,
I'm learning to kind of find my median, my equilibrium.
(41:32):
How can I protect and can serve my energy to
a healthy extent while also knowing when it's time to
go get it's time to put myself out there. I
actually said that in my last therapy session. I was like,
how can I just push myself a little bit more?
How can I get just a little bit more from myself?
(41:52):
Because I feel like I can, right, I feel like
I am conserving my energy just a little bit too much.
I'm getting easily overwhelmed too much, Like how can I
push myself without going all the way over to the
grind grind, grind eat sleep career, you know, over and
(42:13):
over again. And I haven't figured it out yet, And
that's okay. I know it's going to take some time
to figure that out and to figure out what some
sort of balance looks like for me. And I know
a lot of people are like, balance isn't real, and look,
maybe it isn't one hundred percent real, And like I've said,
(42:34):
I really don't want to be living in this all
or nothing lifestyle where it's like six months of all,
six months of nothing. So there's got to be some
balance of that, you know, Am I right? But I
feel like these last four years have been characterized by
a lot of anxiety about getting depressed again, needing to
accept and let go of older versions of myself, and
(42:55):
then of course just dealing with the uncertainties of figuring
life out in my twenties and adulting and figuring out
what works for me what doesn't work for me. And
I think I said it somewhere in this episode, but yeah,
I'm very much in this in progress home renovation stage
of my life. It's coming back to me. I said
it in the intro, and I'm learning to be okay
(43:19):
with that. And as somebody who is anxious and wants
to control everything about her life, like it is really
hard to be okay with that. And I'm so happy
and excited that I can come on here every week
and share this open and honest journey with you guys,
because I just feel like so many people on the
(43:39):
Internet are not like super vulnerable about stuff. It's like
they'll say like, oh, yeah, I'm feeling uncertain or like
everything's not perfect, but they won't really get into it.
And that's why I love this like longer format because
I love being able to just like describe things because
I know when I see longer formats of and see
somebody really describe vibe the struggles that they're going through,
(44:02):
like it really does make me feel connected to them
and it makes me feel like I'm not alone and
all of that. But yeah, I'm in this experimental phase
of my life, as I talk about in therapy all
the time, testing what works for me, what doesn't work
for me, and just because something doesn't work for me,
it doesn't mean that it's a failure, and the same
applies to you. You know, when I left this job,
(44:23):
my therapist had to remind me a lot that just
because this job didn't work for me, that that's okay.
At first, I said something along the lines of like, oh, yeah,
this job wasn't right for me, I didn't do it right,
like something along the lines of like it phrases it
kind of like a failure. My therapist was like, no, no, no, no, no,
(44:45):
no no. She said, this job doesn't work for you.
This thing didn't work for you, and that is okay.
And now you're continuing to walk along the path to
figure out what does work for you. And really that
is so much of what defines our twenties and our
life's in general. Like we're always clueless about something, am
(45:07):
I right? Like there is always something to feel uncertain
about and to navigate and to figure out. Yeah, And honestly,
this year was a huge figuring out life and progress
home renovation year. Like I always like to tell people,
twenty twenty four was painful. It was painful in a
unique way because all of these changes were happening, moving out,
(45:28):
becoming financially independent, going on zep bound, not losing, quitting
my job, realizing like I have no idea what the
fuck I want to do with my life, Like it's
been a painful year in the self growth area. However,
I know that the coming out of that and the
positive effects of going through all that change is coming.
(45:50):
I don't know when, but it's coming anyways. That is
my anxiety lore, you guys. That is the story of
being dead at twelve to where I am at twenty
six years old. I think I've said this many times
throughout these last two episodes, but my anxiety disorder, you know,
influences who I am. It influenced me to start this podcast.
(46:14):
It influences me to show up as authentically and vulnerably
as I can in the social media internet world. And
I really hope that you can feel that in watching
the podcast, dming with me like whatever it may be,
Thank you for holding space for my story and for listening.
And I really hope that you were able to relate
(46:35):
to or feel seen at some point in these last
two episodes. And like I say at the end of
every episode, please DM me if you have or if
you do feel resemblance to anything that I talked about
in these last two episodes. I know that dealing with
mental illness can feel so lonely, and so I'm happy
(46:56):
to chat and relate or maybe even not talk about
it at all, and just like send some laughs back
and forth. I love love communicating with you guys in
the DMS. So thank you so much, you guys for
listening to this episode. These last two episodes especially, they
mean a lot to me, and I really hope they
made sense. Sometimes when I'm sitting here talking to myself,
(47:18):
I'm like, I hope this story is coming out the
way that I want to. Anyways, you can follow the
podcast on TikTok, YouTube and Instagram at completely cluelespod. If
you're looking for more of my personal journeys my day
to day life, you can follow me on Instagram and
TikTok at Sarah alis Lyddy. I'm Black Black. I'm back
in my vlogging era, really getting into that on TikTok again.
(47:41):
Like I said, I have a lot more time to
give to that, so follow me on Socialist. Let's be friends,
and I hope you guys have a terrific Tuesday, a
wonderful week, and do not forget to be mother fucking
clueless period. Love you guys, byee,
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