January 14, 2025 • 38 mins
In this week's episode of Completely Clueless, I’m getting real about the struggles of navigating life and podcasting solo. Since my co-host left a few months ago, I’ve been learning the hard way what it takes to manage a podcast completely on my own. From solo recordings to financial struggles and self-doubts, I’m pulling back the curtain on the challenges and emotions that come with being a one-woman show.
On top of that, I’m sharing a major update on my NYC apartment hunt with Olivia—and let’s say it’s not the news we hoped for. After a disappointing (and possibly homophobic?) denial from a co-op board, I reflect on how this setback has left my life feeling more uncertain and clueless than ever. But hey, maybe we dodged a bullet?
If you’re a twentysomething navigating life’s curveballs, a beginner podcaster figuring it all out, or just someone searching for real conversations about mental health and resilience, this episode is for you.
Make sure to follow The Completely Clueless Podcast on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube @completelycluelesspod 💖
And for more of my personal adventures, follow me @sarahaliceliddy!
On top of that, I’m sharing a major update on my NYC apartment hunt with Olivia—and let’s say it’s not the news we hoped for. After a disappointing (and possibly homophobic?) denial from a co-op board, I reflect on how this setback has left my life feeling more uncertain and clueless than ever. But hey, maybe we dodged a bullet?
If you’re a twentysomething navigating life’s curveballs, a beginner podcaster figuring it all out, or just someone searching for real conversations about mental health and resilience, this episode is for you.
Make sure to follow The Completely Clueless Podcast on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube @completelycluelesspod 💖
And for more of my personal adventures, follow me @sarahaliceliddy!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You guys, we are so so so back, Happy twenty
twenty five and welcome back to the Completely Clueless podcast.
I am your host, Sarah Alice Liddy. I got to
start off with some honesty that this is not the
(00:22):
first time I'm recording this episode. I have admitted to
this in the past, and I've decided that I want
to peel back the curtain a little bit. I don't
talk a lot about the behind the scenes, the admin
and everything that goes into the making of Completely Clueless,
Like I don't break the fourth wall in that way,
but we got to break the fourth wall today because
(00:42):
it just feels inauthentic to continue on into this new
year and new season without addressing something that has been
weighing on me a lot when it comes to the podcast.
So here it is. I'm really struggling with the podcast
right now. You guys playing simple. I'm struggling, and I
(01:03):
want to talk openly and honestly about this because, especially
around this time of year, the holidays, the New Year's season,
we are getting fed so many highlight reels. I feel
like that's all I'm seeing on social media is like
all the accomplishments that everybody made in the past year,
all the wonderful things are going to go on to
(01:25):
do in twenty twenty five. And then I look at me,
and I look at my past year, and I look
at all the things I struggled with and I'm currently
struggling with, and I'm like, I'm not good enough, I'm
not doing enough, and it continues to compare and despair
from there, and I feel like I cannot be alone
in this. And so I just feel like in a
(01:45):
world where we're exposed to everybody's highlight reel, which is
really somewhere between ten and twenty percent of somebody's actual life,
it's important more than ever to be vulnerable. And where
we can and where we feel comfortable peeling back the
curtain and showing our humanity is so important. And while
(02:11):
I feel so clueless about where this podcast is going
to go, that is something that remains the north star
of me, my mission, and what I want to give
in my content is vulnerability. Is that I am not
a perfect human. Yes, I go through great, amazing things,
and I also go through really really hard things, and
(02:35):
that every human, despite what their social media says, goes
through that too. So let's get into it. Let's talk
about what's going on with me right now in the
podcast and give you guys a little bts. Right So,
if you are new to the podcast, I used to
have a co host and her name is Audrey. And
(02:56):
if any of you guys are wondering, Audrey and I
are still the bestest of friends. There is truly no tea,
no shade, no bad will or anything in us deciding
to go our separate ways. If something isn't serving you,
it's okay to acknowledge that and it's okay to move forward.
And I think, especially in our twenties, so much of
(03:19):
the things that we go through is trial and error.
Like I definitely feel like I'm in a trial and
error phase of my life where I have to test
things out to see if I like it, if it's
going to work for me. And sometimes that can be
really frustrating, right because you can give your time and
energy to something and then you're like, wait, this isn't
working for me. But that's just the time in our
(03:39):
lives when we're figuring out what we want. And I
think Audrey needed to enter a new phase of her
life and try something new and different and as her friend. First,
I'm never ever ever going to be mad at that.
I'm always going to support her. So I honestly was
so happy that she was so open and honest with
me about what she wanted after we decided to take
(04:01):
a break during the summer. And it's only going to
be better for our friendship, right Because at the end
of the day, this stuff, while it's amazing and is
so much fun and creatively fulfills you, friendships, relationships, family,
the people you love are just so much more important
than that. Right. However, since losing Audrey, the podcast has
(04:21):
changed so much, and I don't think I've really realized
that until the last couple of weeks. I feel like
the impact of the change that this podcast is going
through is finally sitting and sinking in with me, and
I'm going to walk you through some of those changes
to kind of open up about why I've been struggling
(04:44):
and why I've been so frustrated with the podcast. So
Number one is recording the actual podcast, you guys, is
so hard. Is so hard. I don't know if I've
said it already, but this is a re record right now.
Today is Thursday. I record it two days ago on Tuesday,
and I sat in this very position, in this very
(05:04):
seat and was trying to record this episode and was
struggling to get through it. And honestly, a lot of
my solo podcasts in this new era have been very
frustrating to film because, believe it or not, you guys,
it's really hard to contain a conversation with yourself. It's
(05:26):
really hard to have a through line for thirty to
forty five minutes, and so I often get very distracted
when I one fumble my words to lose my train
of thought, and three I think I can be in
my head a bit about like what I'm saying, how
I'm saying it. Are people gonna like the way I'm
(05:48):
saying it this? Are people going to resonate with it?
Would this be a really good clip to put on
TikTok and the podcast can blow up and I'm shot
to fame? You know? Like, these are the things that
are running through my head as I'm speaking to the camera.
And also something that I didn't foresee in doing a
solo podcast is that it's quite lonely. You guys. I
(06:12):
know you're out there, I know you're listening. I see
the numbers and I wish I could just like grab
a few of you and put you in my childhood
bedroom so that we could like do this live right
and have a conversation. I feel like that's what I
miss the most about having a co host is that
I was sitting down with one of my best friends
and we were being open and honest and vulnerable and
(06:34):
clueless about our lives together and for our audience, right.
And now I'm doing it alone, and honestly, I can
make it go a little crazy, Like I just feel
like it's a little discombobulating to be talking to myself
at myself, like at a camera, and I know there's
(06:56):
a greater purpose in it and that there'll be people
listening on the other side. And I think it's hard
for me to envision or imagine you guys there right
and stuff like that. And that's why communicating with you
guys through DM has been so helpful for me, because
even though I see a number like you, don't know
(07:16):
the faces to that number or the stories, et cetera,
et cetera. So things have just been feeling very lonely.
Like I know, for me, what I love about podcasts
and listening to podcasts are listening to people having conversations.
Like my three top listen to podcasts are The Toast,
What We Said, and Giggly Squad, and those are all
(07:38):
friends sisters that are hosting a podcast together and are
having conversations. And I just really, I really miss that
and I wish that I had that again because it
also makes the recording of the episode so much easier.
I'm not in my head as much. I have time
to breathe and to think about what I want to
(08:00):
say next, and to take a step back as well,
like when you know, like Audrey and I, when one
of us was maybe having a hard day like the
other one, could you know, carry that episode, or you know,
one person could step in and be the main interviewer
when we were interviewing guests. And now it's all on me,
and that can be really hard sometimes. And I hope
(08:21):
I'm not sounding complaining. That's not my purpose of this either.
It's just truly to tell you guys my thoughts and
my feelings and how it's going right now. So, yes,
co host. Not having one in terms of recording has
been very hard. It's also been hard to not have
a co host because now all the responsibilities admin and
financial are on me. Yeah yeah, yeah that deep breath,
(08:48):
Yeah that whf. Yeah. Yeah, it's so hard. It's so
so hard. It is so hard to maintain by myself.
It's hard because I'm conceptualizing and like producing the episodes,
concepting the episodes, recording it all on my own, editing
(09:12):
all on my own, trying to market it all on
my own, thinking of ideas all on my own. Like
it is, it's really hard. And again, like sometimes I'm
going stir crazy and I'm like, I wish I could
have somebody else's creative mind and opinion and thoughts so
that I wasn't in it alone. And sometimes I really
do get that from my partner, Like God bless I'm
(09:34):
truly God bless them last night and we were sitting
in my bed right next to me, and I was
just crying for like an hour, and they were sitting
there with me, consoling me, and also like trying to
work through ideas with me on how to make this
thing better for myself and for the audience that listens.
(09:55):
But taking on all the responsibility has been very overwhelming,
even in with leaving my job. And that's also because
I struggle with my mental health, and so on days
where I'm not doing as well, it can be very
hard to get myself to do the things that I
know are good for me. And I'm definitely working on that,
and I'm definitely working on trying to lightly push myself
(10:20):
in an efficient, effective and healthy way, and some days
it just it doesn't happen. Anyways, main point here is that, yeah,
doing it all on your own is extremely challenging. And
then I haven't even gotten to the financial element of
doing it all on your own. I was in such
a different financial place when I started this podcast. Transparently,
(10:42):
it was so privileged to have help for my parents,
and they helped a lot with you know, helping me
buy studios and helping helping me pay for my half
of doing cool photo shoots and whatnot. And so now
like I have zero money to give to the podcast,
if I'm being completely honest, ZIHO. No money available to
(11:06):
give right now, especially because I'm not in a full
time job. So yeah, I can't afford the one hundred
and twenty five dollars studio to do an in person
interview in the city. And then I also can't bring
interviewers to my childhood home, and I do not yet
have a space for people to come to in the
city where I can interview them. I also do not
(11:27):
have the money to rebrand the podcast and to do
a new cover by myself, and to do some new
logos and things like that, and other financial things that
make this machine go. Like having the money at the beginning,
like I'm not going to allow you, guys. I think
that helped our success early on because think about when
you look at social media shore we love seeing raw,
(11:49):
real things. However, most of the time we're attracted to
aspirational things, right, Like think of alex Earl, and I
think a lot of the conversation around her is people
are so like in love with her or obsessed with
her because they're also like, holy shit, this life that
she leads is like something that I would only dream of,
(12:09):
right And so I think at the beginning of the podcast,
we were able to afford things that gave a very distinct,
you know, image and brand to the podcast that people
loved and thought was cool and very cheeky and cute.
And I currently cannot sustain that and whatnot. And then
I think, just yeah, doing everything on your own. It's
(12:32):
very hard to give yourself to every single element of it, right, Like,
once I get to the end of recording and editing
a podcast episode, I'm like, ugh, now I have to
make clips for TikTok and that's why I feel like
I've fallen short there. And then yeah, like oh and
now I gotta post on the Instagram story and all
these things, And yeah, it can be hard. It's also
(12:55):
so amazing and such a privilege at the same time, like,
I cannot believe the impact that this podcast has had
in the nearly three years, especially in that you know,
we don't do terribly, but we're not doing the numbers.
Oh I'm saying we as if I stall the co
host anyways, I'm you know, I'm not doing the numbers
(13:18):
that a podcast that can be monetized and is widely
spread does, right. So yeah, And to be quite honest,
I get hard on myself about that too. I'm like, gosh,
it's almost been three years, Like should I throw in
the towel because there's really only one hundred to two
hundred people listening a week, Like is it worth it?
And then there's another part of me that says, like girl,
like people can't even get like five people to listen
(13:40):
to their podcast, Like that's amazing, you know, like that's
something to grow on and stuff like that. And so
I definitely feel at this crossroads, you guys. I feel
at this clueless crossroads where I'm like, is this thing
not serving me anymore? And should I let it go
so a new door can open, something better for myself
(14:01):
can be there, or do I stick with it? You know?
I think this part of a large part of my
brain is like I don't want to give up. I've
put so much time and effort and energy and love
into this thing, Like I don't want to just throw
it to the wayside. Also, I'm like, this has been
my whole life postgrad is this podcast is like this
(14:21):
is what I have to show for the last four years,
and simply just tucking it all away seems very extreme
and feels like, now what what would I have for myself?
And then the last and final element of all of
this is You're like, oh, Sarah, have conversations with people.
You can do interviews virtually, like you've done them before.
(14:44):
And I have to be honest with you, guys. I
feel like I've said this before on the podcast is
I'm just not the biggest fan of virtual interviews. I
find them very hard to conduct because of like the
Wi Fi and the lagging that can happen. Often. I
feel like the quality of interview that you get is
(15:05):
like not the best. Like, honestly, there's just something undeniable
about being in a room with somebody and having a conversation.
And like, to be quite honest, it's easier on the
person that's interviewing or trying to lead the conversation. It
can be really hard virtually because there's lack of social
cues and understanding, right, Like we don't get to usually
(15:25):
have ten fifteen minutes before we start even recording where
we're just like hey, like thanks for coming, this is
the studio, like you know all of that kind of stuff,
And you know, maybe I need to like deconstruct that
limiting belief and say, you know, girl, these are your
circumstances and like if you want conversation in this, like
you gotta do what you gotta do to get it.
(15:46):
Like maybe that's the route. But also like I hate
doing things that are inauthentic to myself and where I
feel like I'm pushing myself like too hard to be
like somebody that I'm not, like, sure, this is a
performance at the end of the day, like you know,
speaking to myself at a camera in my bedroom. And
(16:08):
there's a lot of heart and authenticity in this that
sometimes I feel like the virtual interviews lack because you
have to push so much harder to get a good conversation.
Then I feel like when you get one in person,
So you're probably wondering, Sarah, like why are you sharing
all this? Like Okay, cool, what's the point here? I'm
(16:28):
getting to it, and I'm getting to it. I mean,
I I address it a bit at the beginning in
that vulnerability is so important to me, and I feel
like showing you guys the harder parts or less perfect
parts of my life will hopefully make you feel less
alone in the imperfect parts of your life. And so
I feel like giving you guys the full picture instead
(16:51):
of just the end product just has so much value
in it, right, because it all goes back to that
we're always seeing the end product. We're always getting the
end product on social media, We're never getting much of
the process to get there, or when we do get
the process is very curated, very picture perfect, put a
(17:11):
bow on it. And so I'm hoping that my chaotic
mess of a process that I'm showing you guys right
now can relate to what I'm assuming is a creative
a creative a chaotic, messy process that you're going through
in any part of your life. And last, but not least,
and I feel like this is maybe where I'm going
to get a little bit emotional, so bear yourself. Is
(17:34):
that dreams are really hard. Dreams are really hard. Let
that sink in, you know. I think if anybody has
ever had a dream, the beginning of it is so blissful.
You feel so enlivened and so impassioned and so excited
at what could be. And then reality hits circumstances change,
(17:57):
you meet many speed bumps along the road of making
that dream happen, and over time all of those challenges
can really weigh on you and bring you down, and
you lose that joy and that bliss and that hope
that you had at the beginning of embarking on the
stream that you've had. And I feel like that's where
(18:17):
I'm at right now, is that I'm meeting a very
big speed up and my car is so little, and
it's taking me so long to get over it. And look,
I can't be one hundred percent certain that Completely Clueless
will always be here and be a part of my life,
and I think a part of that makes me very sad.
(18:41):
I'm getting choked up right now, and I feel like
I'm not willing to throw in the towel just yet.
I am working and trying to problem solve to make
this outlet feel better than it currently does feel, and
I'm hoping that that's something I can can do this
year and in a year from now, or in a
(19:03):
couple months or in two years from now, whatever it
may be. Like this, this feels better to me. Something
that I am going to be doing is bringing on
my partner twice a month to record with me again.
Like I said, I'm like missing that conversational element, and
at least in olibyanized opinions, we have really great conversations.
And you know, I never want to be the content
(19:26):
creator that uses their relationship for clout or money or anything.
And so that's why I've always been afraid to include
Olivia in this in a bigger way. Since I've gone
solo and honestly, they offered, and I need their help,
and I'm going to take the help right now because
(19:47):
that feels a little bit more genuine and authentic than
trying to schedule a bunch of virtual interviews and force
it and whatnot. Anyways, you guys, okay, let's take a
deep breath. I really wish we were moving on to
a lighter, happier topic, and it definitely is. In terms
of content. This is not as deep as that conversation
(20:09):
just was. However, I really thought I was going to
be starting off twenty twenty five sharing with you all
that Olivia and I got our dream apartment and that
in a couple of weeks I'm out of my childhood
bedroom and I'm into the city with the person I left. Well,
that is not happening, and it's probably not happening Anna
times soon, which is so sad. All Right. The hot
(20:32):
off the presses tea on my life is that Olivia
and I got denied from the apartment that we put
an application into. And this is disappointing for so so
many reasons. This happened the other day, and for context,
we saw this apartment for the first time on October second,
(20:56):
so it has been a full three months of this
apartment and the process of trying to get this apartment.
So when we saw the apartment on October, tewod an
offer was put in right after. And look, I don't
know much about the real estate world and timelines. We
did have a little bump in the road because the
co Op Board needed us to do something because of
(21:19):
the situation with how this apartment is being purchased. And
then we got to fill out an application for the
co Op Board for them to approve, and so kind
of like here is a process, right, there's somebody that's
selling this apartment, and so we got approved by them.
And then once you're approved by the person selling the apartment,
they then put you up with the co op Board.
(21:41):
And so in the city, a lot of buildings are
owned by boards of people, the co op Board, and
basically they have the right of refusal. They have the
final say and whether you can get this apartment or not.
And so we had already jumped through hoops for this
co Op Board to give them exactly what they wanted
in order to be able to make this purchase happen.
(22:04):
We also ran into a lot of timeline delays because
of the holidays, and we're assuming this is a religious
co op board because there were some holidays in November
that they took off, so that made things go slower.
And then obviously we just had the holidays and the
New Year, and so nobody's working around that time, right,
with everything moving so slowly. Sure, I did have this
(22:28):
part of myself that totally detached myself because it really
never felt like our apartment. However, it also gave me
and Olivia time to do the exact opposite, which is
dream and hope and get excited about a future in
this apartment, right, because I think when you are looking
for a home to live and like in order for
(22:48):
you to like really want to be there, you have
to envision your life there. You have to think about, oh,
is this where I want to cook dinner every night?
Sleep every night? Is this the neighborhood I want to be?
Like do we see ourselves going beyond just the two
of us in this space? Like you think about the
future and and because of the result, that's also been
(23:11):
very challenging. However, back to kind of like the process
of this story is that like another piece of context
is that the people around us felt very positive about
the outcome of this apartment. I cannot divulge all the
financial details because that is not my business to put
on the internet. However, what I can say is everything
(23:32):
was solid and it was good, and it was what
you would want in this circumstance, like what you know
a seller would want a buyer to have in this circumstance, right,
And so everybody around us was like, yeah, why would
this not work out like that? We are great candidates.
This would be stupid, right. So yeah, it was a
very shocking surprise when right after the New Year we
(23:55):
got that denial letter. And at first I thought Olivia
was joking. They sent me a text the other day
and was like, hey, babe, I don't think we got
the apartment. I'm sorry, And I was like, you're joking,
you're joking, You're joking, And they were not joking. They
were not joking. And it's so weird because I feel
(24:15):
like I should be sadder about this situation, and they're
definitely parts of me that are sad. I'm most sad
that I will not be living with my partner this month,
Like it's not happening this month. It probably won't happen
next month, Like it takes a little bit of time
for these things to happen, And that makes me sad
because I was so excited to start this next chapter
(24:37):
with them and start building our lives together. Right. We've
been gearing up for this, you guys since August. Since August,
we have been in this apartment hunt. And sure things
have changed along the way, and that's why it's been
taking longer, but it's been a lot of time envisioning, right, Like,
when you're hoping and excited for something and when it
(24:57):
keeps getting pushed off and off and off, it can
just be like so so frustrating. So really, that's what
I'm most disappointed about is that I won't be living
with my partner soon. But I don't think I was
that sad about the outcome in the end, because in
my brain, and I like to consider myself a smart woman,
(25:21):
but my god, what was that? You guys? Any anyways,
but in my brain, I'm sort of just like, Okay,
we jumped through all these hoops for this co op board.
Everything financially was good, what could be the reason? And
in my rational mind, I'm like, Okay, when they looked
(25:45):
at who was going to live in this apartment. They
saw two female presenting names my name an Olivia's name,
even though they're not binary. Whether look, I don't think
the co op board would have loved that either, based
on what I think is the reason that they denied
us is that they're homophobic and they don't want a
queer couple living in their building. And they probably don't
(26:07):
want a queer couple with the good financial standing living
in their building either because maybe they're jealous or they're
intimidated or whatever it is, you know. And Olivia and
I actually like broke like we had a conversation about
this a couple of weeks ago because I was starting
to get ant see and nervous, and I was like,
what do you think they deny us because they're homophobic
(26:28):
and whatnot? And Olivia looked at me and was like,
why would we want to live there? Then? Why would
we want to live in a building and a community
that doesn't accept gay people? Like I don't want to
come home every day and be afraid And that really
hit for me and sunk in and I was like,
oh shit, like you're right, Like why would we want
to fight and protest against people that aren't accepting of us,
(26:51):
because then like if say we got what we wanted,
at the end of the day, yeah, we're not feeling
safe in our home. And that's really important is being
able to come to an apartment that you feel safe
in and because there are the other people living in
that apartment, you want a community that you feel safe in.
You know, in my last apartment that I lived in
with my friend, there was a queer couple that was
(27:12):
literally an eye shot right down from us. We can
see them cooking in their kitchen churt lists. Like all
the time, I was like, yay for the gays, and
so yeah, I think my mind has gone too like
all right, these people just don't want us in their space.
And ultimately, if you don't want me, you don't want
my partner, you don't want our energy, then like why
(27:35):
should I be sad about it? Because eventually there will
be a place that is accepting of us, or that
you know is willing to pass us through, and that
will be the place for us. You know, I think
in these types of situations where you have to surrender
and you have no control, all you can really say
is what is for me, will not pass me and
(27:57):
what is meant for me will be? And so I
had my cry about it. You know, I think Olivia
and I sort of grieved the situation together and then
we were back on the horse and we were like
back on Zillow and street easy. That day, I was
starting getting nervous, like a couple of weeks ago, and
so I started looking and I had saved this one
(28:18):
apartment that is pretty similar to the one that we
were looking to hopefully live in, and so hopefully we'll
get to see that soon and maybe that'll work out.
You know, everything happens for a reason. Like I know that,
like all literally, you guys, I've said like three cheesy lines,
like back to back, what is for we will not
pass me, what is meant to be will be? What
(28:38):
is the other one that I just said? Everything everything
happens for a reason. Right, I'm a cheesy girl today anyways.
But I feel like in these situations you have to
be like you kind of like right, like I said,
you have to surrender and just say like all right,
I'm not in control of this, because that's the way through,
that's the way of not dwelling and being angry and
(28:59):
mad and sad, disappointed for an extended period of time,
and is looking toward the future. You know, Olivia and
I have not changed our stance and wanting to live together,
and ultimately that's at the heart of this, is building
a home together and a life together. And so that
is saying said fast and strong throughout this and whatever
obstacles that we run into along the way, we you know,
(29:22):
we go through together and it's disappointing, but we still
have each other and that's like, really, what is all
that matter is in all of this? You know. So
that's the apartment update, and again, I wish it was
better news. It's definitely frustrating that we're gonna have to
literally go back to square one. And I'm a pretty
picky girl, you guys, Like, I bet Olivia's a bit
(29:44):
annoyed with how picky I can be about an apartment. However,
for an investment like this, I just feel like we
should have nearly everything we want, which I know is
hard to get. And look, we have to sacrifice things
like here and there, Like with this other apartment, like
it was like a five ten minute walk away from
the subway, and like for what where it was the
(30:05):
size like all these other things, Like I was like, yeah,
like of course, so I of course know we can't
get everything we want, and you know, we're both living
at home and like saving money and things like that.
And while it's not the ideal situation and we obviously
don't want to be here forever, I'm also like, I
feel like, if this is an investment and like we have,
we're going to be there for years to come, it
(30:27):
should be something we really really really love, And especially
after living in the city last year and going through
that experience, I've just learned a lot about what I
want and how important not only the apartment is, but
honestly more important the environment is. It's like what part
of town we're in and where is it near, and
do we like the places that are near and do
(30:49):
we see ourselves being like going outside of our apartment
and doing things in this neighborhood. You know that's very
important to me. Anyways, any any any any ways, that
is the tea on the apartment. I will keep you
guys updated, cross your fingers for us that we will
find a place soon. Myc real estate and finding an
(31:10):
apartment is just like such a bitch. And like, I
really hope that once we find this apartment, like we're
done apartment hunting forever in mic because I don't know
if my heart can take it. And so now that
we have the decision about the apartment, and even though
it's the decision we weren't hoping for, I'm happy we
(31:30):
have a decision at all, because I truly feel like
the last three months of my life have been very
much in limbo because we've been like will this happened?
Will this happen? And I've sort of let everything in
my life sort of be based on that. I'm not
sure if that was the best thing ever, but it's
what I did. Like, for example, you guys, you're gonna
(31:53):
judge me for this. I still haven't cleaned my room.
I still haven't really unpacked and cleaned everything from moving
back here in October, and like that is number one
goal of January. It has to be now. Like my
mom was like, girl, like now that you're not moving,
like you need to get that third floor looking better
(32:14):
and sordid because it's a mess. And I agree with her,
and I think it also contributes to my mind being
a mess. You know, I'm very much like a person
where my space kind of reflects what's going on with
me mentally, and while like it's not dirty, like everything
has a space, like I just haven't organized through things
and throwing things out that I don't need anymore, and
(32:35):
like my guest room, you guys, oh my god, my
guest room is a disast. And so now that I'm
gonna be here longer, like, I definitely gotta fix that situation.
And honestly, I've been very in limbo with what I
want to do with my career moving forward. We're honestly
coming back full circle because you know, I opened up
(32:56):
about all the podcast things, and I think all the
confusion the podcast also blends into this cluelessness that I'm
having with my career and like where I want to
go next. I basically have like three plans in my mind,
Plan A, Plan B, and plants C. And Plan A
is I get another corporate social media job. However, this
(33:19):
time I would be and have been applying to a
lot of influencer marketing jobs instead of content creator jobs.
I think what I can take away from my experience
at the marketing agency being a content creator was that
it burnt me out and trying to do content creation
as my nine to five and then also trying to
make it work for myself outside of work with the
(33:41):
podcast and my TikTok. It was just too much. It
was too much, and I was creatively burnt out. So yeah,
plan A, get a job in social media in influencer marketing,
hopefully while trying to make the podcast and my content
work for myself, and hopefully one day could leave that job.
Plan B. And what I've been doing right now is
(34:02):
working a survival job while trying to make the podcast
and my social media work for me. And this one
has been sort of hard, especially financially. I'm not gonna lie.
I'm working part time right now when it's a bag
at a bakery. I think I've told you guys that,
And I'm just not making very much money at all.
Like it's it's painful, and you know, I felt like
(34:24):
I wasn't making that much money in my corporate job
and now this is like significantly less, and so I
think that's been really hard because especially like yeah, saving
up for an apartment and furniture and even getting you know,
things for the podcast, like it's just not accessible right
now with having a survival job and trying to do
the podcast you know, on the side and make it
(34:47):
my full time gig. And you know, one could say
that I could probably get a survival job that is
full time or that has more hours and better pay,
and those are things that I'm exploring because plan on
C would be being freelancer in social media and podcasting
while trying to make my social media and podcast work
for myself. And I feel like plan C is where
(35:09):
my self doubt and self judgment comes in because I
think there's this part of my brain that's like, yeah,
it just seems like a very big mountain to climb,
Like how am I going to get the clients? Will
this work for me? Will people want me to edit
their podcast videos or their podcast? Like? Am I good
enough to do this? Like what do I charge? Like
(35:30):
I just have all these like questions and self doubts
in my mind, and I feel like I need to
push through the self judgment. I feel like something really
cool and great could be on the other side of
my self doubts and self judgments, and so I really
hope that I can continue to work up to yeah,
a freelance business where I can help people with their
(35:53):
podcast because that's something I've been successful at on TikTok
is a lot of people like have found my page
looking for advice on podcast because people do not like
go behind the cart in about podcasting. There's a lot
of like things that are gate kept and people don't
know how to do. So I love being able to
like offer that advice. However, like in my dream world,
(36:14):
like I'm not somebody that's like, you know, teaching people
how to podcasts or you know, editing their videos all
the time, right, Like I think in my dream world,
like you know this, this is the dream. This is
the dream, you know, but obviously you got to do
things to get there, like need to make money to
play the bills and whatnot. But those are the plans
(36:36):
that I'm circulating between you guys, And if you have
any opinions on which ones I should go down, please help.
If you have any leads on any of these paths,
please let me know because I'm feeling clueless. I'm feeling
completely clueless, like you guys, New year knew me is
so out. It's New Year, same clueless mate, And I
(36:57):
can't wait to be clueless with you guys. In twenty
We're gonna find a way through. I'm gonna keep pushing,
keep doing trial and error and figuring out the new
era of Completely Clueless. And for now it'll be me
Olivia's coming on. We'll have some great conversations and hopefully
I'll start to add some guests back here and there
(37:17):
where I can, And just thank you all so much
for being a part of this journey. For those who
listen every week, like you have no idea how much
it means to me and how much you keep me
going with just listening or interacting with me on social media,
like it means the absolute world, because honestly, at that point,
at this point, like yeah, it's really what keeps me going.
(37:40):
So with all of that being said, we have come
to the end of the first episode of twenty twenty five.
It took so much effort to get here, but I'm
so happy we've gotten here. Thank you guys so much
for listening to today's episode of Completely Clueless. If anything
here resonated with you, please dm me. I think I'm
gonna start a broadcast channel soon so we can have
(38:01):
some more lines of communication between us. In the meantime,
please follow Completely Clueless on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube
at completely Clueless pod And if you want to keep
up with my personal journeys in life, you can follow
me at Sarah Alice Lidy on Instagram and TikTok. And
let's hope TikTok doesn't go away, all right, It's the
(38:21):
only hope I have to get this podcast out. We're
at this point because Instagram hates me. Anyways, have a
terrific Tuesday, you guys, have a wonderful week, and do
not forget big motherfucking clueless by you guys.
You guys, we are so so so back, Happy twenty
twenty five and welcome back to the Completely Clueless podcast.
I am your host, Sarah Alice Liddy. I got to
start off with some honesty that this is not the
(00:22):
first time I'm recording this episode. I have admitted to
this in the past, and I've decided that I want
to peel back the curtain a little bit. I don't
talk a lot about the behind the scenes, the admin
and everything that goes into the making of Completely Clueless,
Like I don't break the fourth wall in that way,
but we got to break the fourth wall today because
(00:42):
it just feels inauthentic to continue on into this new
year and new season without addressing something that has been
weighing on me a lot when it comes to the podcast.
So here it is. I'm really struggling with the podcast
right now. You guys playing simple. I'm struggling, and I
(01:03):
want to talk openly and honestly about this because, especially
around this time of year, the holidays, the New Year's season,
we are getting fed so many highlight reels. I feel
like that's all I'm seeing on social media is like
all the accomplishments that everybody made in the past year,
all the wonderful things are going to go on to
(01:25):
do in twenty twenty five. And then I look at me,
and I look at my past year, and I look
at all the things I struggled with and I'm currently
struggling with, and I'm like, I'm not good enough, I'm
not doing enough, and it continues to compare and despair
from there, and I feel like I cannot be alone
in this. And so I just feel like in a
(01:45):
world where we're exposed to everybody's highlight reel, which is
really somewhere between ten and twenty percent of somebody's actual life,
it's important more than ever to be vulnerable. And where
we can and where we feel comfortable peeling back the
curtain and showing our humanity is so important. And while
(02:11):
I feel so clueless about where this podcast is going
to go, that is something that remains the north star
of me, my mission, and what I want to give
in my content is vulnerability. Is that I am not
a perfect human. Yes, I go through great, amazing things,
and I also go through really really hard things, and
(02:35):
that every human, despite what their social media says, goes
through that too. So let's get into it. Let's talk
about what's going on with me right now in the
podcast and give you guys a little bts. Right So,
if you are new to the podcast, I used to
have a co host and her name is Audrey. And
(02:56):
if any of you guys are wondering, Audrey and I
are still the bestest of friends. There is truly no tea,
no shade, no bad will or anything in us deciding
to go our separate ways. If something isn't serving you,
it's okay to acknowledge that and it's okay to move forward.
And I think, especially in our twenties, so much of
(03:19):
the things that we go through is trial and error.
Like I definitely feel like I'm in a trial and
error phase of my life where I have to test
things out to see if I like it, if it's
going to work for me. And sometimes that can be
really frustrating, right because you can give your time and
energy to something and then you're like, wait, this isn't
working for me. But that's just the time in our
(03:39):
lives when we're figuring out what we want. And I
think Audrey needed to enter a new phase of her
life and try something new and different and as her friend. First,
I'm never ever ever going to be mad at that.
I'm always going to support her. So I honestly was
so happy that she was so open and honest with
me about what she wanted after we decided to take
(04:01):
a break during the summer. And it's only going to
be better for our friendship, right Because at the end
of the day, this stuff, while it's amazing and is
so much fun and creatively fulfills you, friendships, relationships, family,
the people you love are just so much more important
than that. Right. However, since losing Audrey, the podcast has
(04:21):
changed so much, and I don't think I've really realized
that until the last couple of weeks. I feel like
the impact of the change that this podcast is going
through is finally sitting and sinking in with me, and
I'm going to walk you through some of those changes
to kind of open up about why I've been struggling
(04:44):
and why I've been so frustrated with the podcast. So
Number one is recording the actual podcast, you guys, is
so hard. Is so hard. I don't know if I've
said it already, but this is a re record right now.
Today is Thursday. I record it two days ago on Tuesday,
and I sat in this very position, in this very
(05:04):
seat and was trying to record this episode and was
struggling to get through it. And honestly, a lot of
my solo podcasts in this new era have been very
frustrating to film because, believe it or not, you guys,
it's really hard to contain a conversation with yourself. It's
(05:26):
really hard to have a through line for thirty to
forty five minutes, and so I often get very distracted
when I one fumble my words to lose my train
of thought, and three I think I can be in
my head a bit about like what I'm saying, how
I'm saying it. Are people gonna like the way I'm
(05:48):
saying it this? Are people going to resonate with it?
Would this be a really good clip to put on
TikTok and the podcast can blow up and I'm shot
to fame? You know? Like, these are the things that
are running through my head as I'm speaking to the camera.
And also something that I didn't foresee in doing a
solo podcast is that it's quite lonely. You guys. I
(06:12):
know you're out there, I know you're listening. I see
the numbers and I wish I could just like grab
a few of you and put you in my childhood
bedroom so that we could like do this live right
and have a conversation. I feel like that's what I
miss the most about having a co host is that
I was sitting down with one of my best friends
and we were being open and honest and vulnerable and
(06:34):
clueless about our lives together and for our audience, right.
And now I'm doing it alone, and honestly, I can
make it go a little crazy, Like I just feel
like it's a little discombobulating to be talking to myself
at myself, like at a camera, and I know there's
(06:56):
a greater purpose in it and that there'll be people
listening on the other side. And I think it's hard
for me to envision or imagine you guys there right
and stuff like that. And that's why communicating with you
guys through DM has been so helpful for me, because
even though I see a number like you, don't know
(07:16):
the faces to that number or the stories, et cetera,
et cetera. So things have just been feeling very lonely.
Like I know, for me, what I love about podcasts
and listening to podcasts are listening to people having conversations.
Like my three top listen to podcasts are The Toast,
What We Said, and Giggly Squad, and those are all
(07:38):
friends sisters that are hosting a podcast together and are
having conversations. And I just really, I really miss that
and I wish that I had that again because it
also makes the recording of the episode so much easier.
I'm not in my head as much. I have time
to breathe and to think about what I want to
(08:00):
say next, and to take a step back as well,
like when you know, like Audrey and I, when one
of us was maybe having a hard day like the
other one, could you know, carry that episode, or you know,
one person could step in and be the main interviewer
when we were interviewing guests. And now it's all on me,
and that can be really hard sometimes. And I hope
(08:21):
I'm not sounding complaining. That's not my purpose of this either.
It's just truly to tell you guys my thoughts and
my feelings and how it's going right now. So, yes,
co host. Not having one in terms of recording has
been very hard. It's also been hard to not have
a co host because now all the responsibilities admin and
financial are on me. Yeah yeah, yeah that deep breath,
(08:48):
Yeah that whf. Yeah. Yeah, it's so hard. It's so
so hard. It is so hard to maintain by myself.
It's hard because I'm conceptualizing and like producing the episodes,
concepting the episodes, recording it all on my own, editing
(09:12):
all on my own, trying to market it all on
my own, thinking of ideas all on my own. Like
it is, it's really hard. And again, like sometimes I'm
going stir crazy and I'm like, I wish I could
have somebody else's creative mind and opinion and thoughts so
that I wasn't in it alone. And sometimes I really
do get that from my partner, Like God bless I'm
(09:34):
truly God bless them last night and we were sitting
in my bed right next to me, and I was
just crying for like an hour, and they were sitting
there with me, consoling me, and also like trying to
work through ideas with me on how to make this
thing better for myself and for the audience that listens.
(09:55):
But taking on all the responsibility has been very overwhelming,
even in with leaving my job. And that's also because
I struggle with my mental health, and so on days
where I'm not doing as well, it can be very
hard to get myself to do the things that I
know are good for me. And I'm definitely working on that,
and I'm definitely working on trying to lightly push myself
(10:20):
in an efficient, effective and healthy way, and some days
it just it doesn't happen. Anyways, main point here is that, yeah,
doing it all on your own is extremely challenging. And
then I haven't even gotten to the financial element of
doing it all on your own. I was in such
a different financial place when I started this podcast. Transparently,
(10:42):
it was so privileged to have help for my parents,
and they helped a lot with you know, helping me
buy studios and helping helping me pay for my half
of doing cool photo shoots and whatnot. And so now
like I have zero money to give to the podcast,
if I'm being completely honest, ZIHO. No money available to
(11:06):
give right now, especially because I'm not in a full
time job. So yeah, I can't afford the one hundred
and twenty five dollars studio to do an in person
interview in the city. And then I also can't bring
interviewers to my childhood home, and I do not yet
have a space for people to come to in the
city where I can interview them. I also do not
(11:27):
have the money to rebrand the podcast and to do
a new cover by myself, and to do some new
logos and things like that, and other financial things that
make this machine go. Like having the money at the beginning,
like I'm not going to allow you, guys. I think
that helped our success early on because think about when
you look at social media shore we love seeing raw,
(11:49):
real things. However, most of the time we're attracted to
aspirational things, right, Like think of alex Earl, and I
think a lot of the conversation around her is people
are so like in love with her or obsessed with
her because they're also like, holy shit, this life that
she leads is like something that I would only dream of,
(12:09):
right And so I think at the beginning of the podcast,
we were able to afford things that gave a very distinct,
you know, image and brand to the podcast that people
loved and thought was cool and very cheeky and cute.
And I currently cannot sustain that and whatnot. And then
I think, just yeah, doing everything on your own. It's
(12:32):
very hard to give yourself to every single element of it, right, Like,
once I get to the end of recording and editing
a podcast episode, I'm like, ugh, now I have to
make clips for TikTok and that's why I feel like
I've fallen short there. And then yeah, like oh and
now I gotta post on the Instagram story and all
these things, And yeah, it can be hard. It's also
(12:55):
so amazing and such a privilege at the same time, like,
I cannot believe the impact that this podcast has had
in the nearly three years, especially in that you know,
we don't do terribly, but we're not doing the numbers.
Oh I'm saying we as if I stall the co
host anyways, I'm you know, I'm not doing the numbers
(13:18):
that a podcast that can be monetized and is widely
spread does, right. So yeah, And to be quite honest,
I get hard on myself about that too. I'm like, gosh,
it's almost been three years, Like should I throw in
the towel because there's really only one hundred to two
hundred people listening a week, Like is it worth it?
And then there's another part of me that says, like girl,
like people can't even get like five people to listen
(13:40):
to their podcast, Like that's amazing, you know, like that's
something to grow on and stuff like that. And so
I definitely feel at this crossroads, you guys. I feel
at this clueless crossroads where I'm like, is this thing
not serving me anymore? And should I let it go
so a new door can open, something better for myself
(14:01):
can be there, or do I stick with it? You know?
I think this part of a large part of my
brain is like I don't want to give up. I've
put so much time and effort and energy and love
into this thing, Like I don't want to just throw
it to the wayside. Also, I'm like, this has been
my whole life postgrad is this podcast is like this
(14:21):
is what I have to show for the last four years,
and simply just tucking it all away seems very extreme
and feels like, now what what would I have for myself?
And then the last and final element of all of
this is You're like, oh, Sarah, have conversations with people.
You can do interviews virtually, like you've done them before.
(14:44):
And I have to be honest with you, guys. I
feel like I've said this before on the podcast is
I'm just not the biggest fan of virtual interviews. I
find them very hard to conduct because of like the
Wi Fi and the lagging that can happen. Often. I
feel like the quality of interview that you get is
(15:05):
like not the best. Like, honestly, there's just something undeniable
about being in a room with somebody and having a conversation.
And like, to be quite honest, it's easier on the
person that's interviewing or trying to lead the conversation. It
can be really hard virtually because there's lack of social
cues and understanding, right, Like we don't get to usually
(15:25):
have ten fifteen minutes before we start even recording where
we're just like hey, like thanks for coming, this is
the studio, like you know all of that kind of stuff,
And you know, maybe I need to like deconstruct that
limiting belief and say, you know, girl, these are your
circumstances and like if you want conversation in this, like
you gotta do what you gotta do to get it.
(15:46):
Like maybe that's the route. But also like I hate
doing things that are inauthentic to myself and where I
feel like I'm pushing myself like too hard to be
like somebody that I'm not, like, sure, this is a
performance at the end of the day, like you know,
speaking to myself at a camera in my bedroom. And
(16:08):
there's a lot of heart and authenticity in this that
sometimes I feel like the virtual interviews lack because you
have to push so much harder to get a good conversation.
Then I feel like when you get one in person,
So you're probably wondering, Sarah, like why are you sharing
all this? Like Okay, cool, what's the point here? I'm
(16:28):
getting to it, and I'm getting to it. I mean,
I I address it a bit at the beginning in
that vulnerability is so important to me, and I feel
like showing you guys the harder parts or less perfect
parts of my life will hopefully make you feel less
alone in the imperfect parts of your life. And so
I feel like giving you guys the full picture instead
(16:51):
of just the end product just has so much value
in it, right, because it all goes back to that
we're always seeing the end product. We're always getting the
end product on social media, We're never getting much of
the process to get there, or when we do get
the process is very curated, very picture perfect, put a
(17:11):
bow on it. And so I'm hoping that my chaotic
mess of a process that I'm showing you guys right
now can relate to what I'm assuming is a creative
a creative a chaotic, messy process that you're going through
in any part of your life. And last, but not least,
and I feel like this is maybe where I'm going
to get a little bit emotional, so bear yourself. Is
(17:34):
that dreams are really hard. Dreams are really hard. Let
that sink in, you know. I think if anybody has
ever had a dream, the beginning of it is so blissful.
You feel so enlivened and so impassioned and so excited
at what could be. And then reality hits circumstances change,
(17:57):
you meet many speed bumps along the road of making
that dream happen, and over time all of those challenges
can really weigh on you and bring you down, and
you lose that joy and that bliss and that hope
that you had at the beginning of embarking on the
stream that you've had. And I feel like that's where
(18:17):
I'm at right now, is that I'm meeting a very
big speed up and my car is so little, and
it's taking me so long to get over it. And look,
I can't be one hundred percent certain that Completely Clueless
will always be here and be a part of my life,
and I think a part of that makes me very sad.
(18:41):
I'm getting choked up right now, and I feel like
I'm not willing to throw in the towel just yet.
I am working and trying to problem solve to make
this outlet feel better than it currently does feel, and
I'm hoping that that's something I can can do this
year and in a year from now, or in a
(19:03):
couple months or in two years from now, whatever it
may be. Like this, this feels better to me. Something
that I am going to be doing is bringing on
my partner twice a month to record with me again.
Like I said, I'm like missing that conversational element, and
at least in olibyanized opinions, we have really great conversations.
And you know, I never want to be the content
(19:26):
creator that uses their relationship for clout or money or anything.
And so that's why I've always been afraid to include
Olivia in this in a bigger way. Since I've gone
solo and honestly, they offered, and I need their help,
and I'm going to take the help right now because
(19:47):
that feels a little bit more genuine and authentic than
trying to schedule a bunch of virtual interviews and force
it and whatnot. Anyways, you guys, okay, let's take a
deep breath. I really wish we were moving on to
a lighter, happier topic, and it definitely is. In terms
of content. This is not as deep as that conversation
(20:09):
just was. However, I really thought I was going to
be starting off twenty twenty five sharing with you all
that Olivia and I got our dream apartment and that
in a couple of weeks I'm out of my childhood
bedroom and I'm into the city with the person I left. Well,
that is not happening, and it's probably not happening Anna
times soon, which is so sad. All Right. The hot
(20:32):
off the presses tea on my life is that Olivia
and I got denied from the apartment that we put
an application into. And this is disappointing for so so
many reasons. This happened the other day, and for context,
we saw this apartment for the first time on October second,
(20:56):
so it has been a full three months of this
apartment and the process of trying to get this apartment.
So when we saw the apartment on October, tewod an
offer was put in right after. And look, I don't
know much about the real estate world and timelines. We
did have a little bump in the road because the
co Op Board needed us to do something because of
(21:19):
the situation with how this apartment is being purchased. And
then we got to fill out an application for the
co Op Board for them to approve, and so kind
of like here is a process, right, there's somebody that's
selling this apartment, and so we got approved by them.
And then once you're approved by the person selling the apartment,
they then put you up with the co op Board.
(21:41):
And so in the city, a lot of buildings are
owned by boards of people, the co op Board, and
basically they have the right of refusal. They have the
final say and whether you can get this apartment or not.
And so we had already jumped through hoops for this
co Op Board to give them exactly what they wanted
in order to be able to make this purchase happen.
(22:04):
We also ran into a lot of timeline delays because
of the holidays, and we're assuming this is a religious
co op board because there were some holidays in November
that they took off, so that made things go slower.
And then obviously we just had the holidays and the
New Year, and so nobody's working around that time, right,
with everything moving so slowly. Sure, I did have this
(22:28):
part of myself that totally detached myself because it really
never felt like our apartment. However, it also gave me
and Olivia time to do the exact opposite, which is
dream and hope and get excited about a future in
this apartment, right, because I think when you are looking
for a home to live and like in order for
(22:48):
you to like really want to be there, you have
to envision your life there. You have to think about, oh,
is this where I want to cook dinner every night?
Sleep every night? Is this the neighborhood I want to be?
Like do we see ourselves going beyond just the two
of us in this space? Like you think about the
future and and because of the result, that's also been
(23:11):
very challenging. However, back to kind of like the process
of this story is that like another piece of context
is that the people around us felt very positive about
the outcome of this apartment. I cannot divulge all the
financial details because that is not my business to put
on the internet. However, what I can say is everything
(23:32):
was solid and it was good, and it was what
you would want in this circumstance, like what you know
a seller would want a buyer to have in this circumstance, right,
And so everybody around us was like, yeah, why would
this not work out like that? We are great candidates.
This would be stupid, right. So yeah, it was a
very shocking surprise when right after the New Year we
(23:55):
got that denial letter. And at first I thought Olivia
was joking. They sent me a text the other day
and was like, hey, babe, I don't think we got
the apartment. I'm sorry, And I was like, you're joking,
you're joking, You're joking, And they were not joking. They
were not joking. And it's so weird because I feel
(24:15):
like I should be sadder about this situation, and they're
definitely parts of me that are sad. I'm most sad
that I will not be living with my partner this month,
Like it's not happening this month. It probably won't happen
next month, Like it takes a little bit of time
for these things to happen, And that makes me sad
because I was so excited to start this next chapter
(24:37):
with them and start building our lives together. Right. We've
been gearing up for this, you guys since August. Since August,
we have been in this apartment hunt. And sure things
have changed along the way, and that's why it's been
taking longer, but it's been a lot of time envisioning, right, Like,
when you're hoping and excited for something and when it
(24:57):
keeps getting pushed off and off and off, it can
just be like so so frustrating. So really, that's what
I'm most disappointed about is that I won't be living
with my partner soon. But I don't think I was
that sad about the outcome in the end, because in
my brain, and I like to consider myself a smart woman,
(25:21):
but my god, what was that? You guys? Any anyways,
but in my brain, I'm sort of just like, Okay,
we jumped through all these hoops for this co op board.
Everything financially was good, what could be the reason? And
in my rational mind, I'm like, Okay, when they looked
(25:45):
at who was going to live in this apartment. They
saw two female presenting names my name an Olivia's name,
even though they're not binary. Whether look, I don't think
the co op board would have loved that either, based
on what I think is the reason that they denied
us is that they're homophobic and they don't want a
queer couple living in their building. And they probably don't
(26:07):
want a queer couple with the good financial standing living
in their building either because maybe they're jealous or they're
intimidated or whatever it is, you know. And Olivia and
I actually like broke like we had a conversation about
this a couple of weeks ago because I was starting
to get ant see and nervous, and I was like,
what do you think they deny us because they're homophobic
(26:28):
and whatnot? And Olivia looked at me and was like,
why would we want to live there? Then? Why would
we want to live in a building and a community
that doesn't accept gay people? Like I don't want to
come home every day and be afraid And that really
hit for me and sunk in and I was like,
oh shit, like you're right, Like why would we want
to fight and protest against people that aren't accepting of us,
(26:51):
because then like if say we got what we wanted,
at the end of the day, yeah, we're not feeling
safe in our home. And that's really important is being
able to come to an apartment that you feel safe
in and because there are the other people living in
that apartment, you want a community that you feel safe in.
You know, in my last apartment that I lived in
with my friend, there was a queer couple that was
(27:12):
literally an eye shot right down from us. We can
see them cooking in their kitchen churt lists. Like all
the time, I was like, yay for the gays, and
so yeah, I think my mind has gone too like
all right, these people just don't want us in their space.
And ultimately, if you don't want me, you don't want
my partner, you don't want our energy, then like why
(27:35):
should I be sad about it? Because eventually there will
be a place that is accepting of us, or that
you know is willing to pass us through, and that
will be the place for us. You know, I think
in these types of situations where you have to surrender
and you have no control, all you can really say
is what is for me, will not pass me and
(27:57):
what is meant for me will be? And so I
had my cry about it. You know, I think Olivia
and I sort of grieved the situation together and then
we were back on the horse and we were like
back on Zillow and street easy. That day, I was
starting getting nervous, like a couple of weeks ago, and
so I started looking and I had saved this one
(28:18):
apartment that is pretty similar to the one that we
were looking to hopefully live in, and so hopefully we'll
get to see that soon and maybe that'll work out.
You know, everything happens for a reason. Like I know that,
like all literally, you guys, I've said like three cheesy lines,
like back to back, what is for we will not
pass me, what is meant to be will be? What
(28:38):
is the other one that I just said? Everything everything
happens for a reason. Right, I'm a cheesy girl today anyways.
But I feel like in these situations you have to
be like you kind of like right, like I said,
you have to surrender and just say like all right,
I'm not in control of this, because that's the way through,
that's the way of not dwelling and being angry and
(28:59):
mad and sad, disappointed for an extended period of time,
and is looking toward the future. You know, Olivia and
I have not changed our stance and wanting to live together,
and ultimately that's at the heart of this, is building
a home together and a life together. And so that
is saying said fast and strong throughout this and whatever
obstacles that we run into along the way, we you know,
(29:22):
we go through together and it's disappointing, but we still
have each other and that's like, really, what is all
that matter is in all of this? You know. So
that's the apartment update, and again, I wish it was
better news. It's definitely frustrating that we're gonna have to
literally go back to square one. And I'm a pretty
picky girl, you guys, Like, I bet Olivia's a bit
(29:44):
annoyed with how picky I can be about an apartment. However,
for an investment like this, I just feel like we
should have nearly everything we want, which I know is
hard to get. And look, we have to sacrifice things
like here and there, Like with this other apartment, like
it was like a five ten minute walk away from
the subway, and like for what where it was the
(30:05):
size like all these other things, Like I was like, yeah,
like of course, so I of course know we can't
get everything we want, and you know, we're both living
at home and like saving money and things like that.
And while it's not the ideal situation and we obviously
don't want to be here forever, I'm also like, I
feel like, if this is an investment and like we have,
we're going to be there for years to come, it
(30:27):
should be something we really really really love, And especially
after living in the city last year and going through
that experience, I've just learned a lot about what I
want and how important not only the apartment is, but
honestly more important the environment is. It's like what part
of town we're in and where is it near, and
do we like the places that are near and do
(30:49):
we see ourselves being like going outside of our apartment
and doing things in this neighborhood. You know that's very
important to me. Anyways, any any any any ways, that
is the tea on the apartment. I will keep you
guys updated, cross your fingers for us that we will
find a place soon. Myc real estate and finding an
(31:10):
apartment is just like such a bitch. And like, I
really hope that once we find this apartment, like we're
done apartment hunting forever in mic because I don't know
if my heart can take it. And so now that
we have the decision about the apartment, and even though
it's the decision we weren't hoping for, I'm happy we
(31:30):
have a decision at all, because I truly feel like
the last three months of my life have been very
much in limbo because we've been like will this happened?
Will this happen? And I've sort of let everything in
my life sort of be based on that. I'm not
sure if that was the best thing ever, but it's
what I did. Like, for example, you guys, you're gonna
(31:53):
judge me for this. I still haven't cleaned my room.
I still haven't really unpacked and cleaned everything from moving
back here in October, and like that is number one
goal of January. It has to be now. Like my
mom was like, girl, like now that you're not moving,
like you need to get that third floor looking better
(32:14):
and sordid because it's a mess. And I agree with her,
and I think it also contributes to my mind being
a mess. You know, I'm very much like a person
where my space kind of reflects what's going on with
me mentally, and while like it's not dirty, like everything
has a space, like I just haven't organized through things
and throwing things out that I don't need anymore, and
(32:35):
like my guest room, you guys, oh my god, my
guest room is a disast. And so now that I'm
gonna be here longer, like, I definitely gotta fix that situation.
And honestly, I've been very in limbo with what I
want to do with my career moving forward. We're honestly
coming back full circle because you know, I opened up
(32:56):
about all the podcast things, and I think all the
confusion the podcast also blends into this cluelessness that I'm
having with my career and like where I want to
go next. I basically have like three plans in my mind,
Plan A, Plan B, and plants C. And Plan A
is I get another corporate social media job. However, this
(33:19):
time I would be and have been applying to a
lot of influencer marketing jobs instead of content creator jobs.
I think what I can take away from my experience
at the marketing agency being a content creator was that
it burnt me out and trying to do content creation
as my nine to five and then also trying to
make it work for myself outside of work with the
(33:41):
podcast and my TikTok. It was just too much. It
was too much, and I was creatively burnt out. So yeah,
plan A, get a job in social media in influencer marketing,
hopefully while trying to make the podcast and my content
work for myself, and hopefully one day could leave that job.
Plan B. And what I've been doing right now is
(34:02):
working a survival job while trying to make the podcast
and my social media work for me. And this one
has been sort of hard, especially financially. I'm not gonna lie.
I'm working part time right now when it's a bag
at a bakery. I think I've told you guys that,
And I'm just not making very much money at all.
Like it's it's painful, and you know, I felt like
(34:24):
I wasn't making that much money in my corporate job
and now this is like significantly less, and so I
think that's been really hard because especially like yeah, saving
up for an apartment and furniture and even getting you know,
things for the podcast, like it's just not accessible right
now with having a survival job and trying to do
the podcast you know, on the side and make it
(34:47):
my full time gig. And you know, one could say
that I could probably get a survival job that is
full time or that has more hours and better pay,
and those are things that I'm exploring because plan on
C would be being freelancer in social media and podcasting
while trying to make my social media and podcast work
for myself. And I feel like plan C is where
(35:09):
my self doubt and self judgment comes in because I
think there's this part of my brain that's like, yeah,
it just seems like a very big mountain to climb,
Like how am I going to get the clients? Will
this work for me? Will people want me to edit
their podcast videos or their podcast? Like? Am I good
enough to do this? Like what do I charge? Like
(35:30):
I just have all these like questions and self doubts
in my mind, and I feel like I need to
push through the self judgment. I feel like something really
cool and great could be on the other side of
my self doubts and self judgments, and so I really
hope that I can continue to work up to yeah,
a freelance business where I can help people with their
(35:53):
podcast because that's something I've been successful at on TikTok
is a lot of people like have found my page
looking for advice on podcast because people do not like
go behind the cart in about podcasting. There's a lot
of like things that are gate kept and people don't
know how to do. So I love being able to
like offer that advice. However, like in my dream world,
(36:14):
like I'm not somebody that's like, you know, teaching people
how to podcasts or you know, editing their videos all
the time, right, Like I think in my dream world,
like you know this, this is the dream. This is
the dream, you know, but obviously you got to do
things to get there, like need to make money to
play the bills and whatnot. But those are the plans
(36:36):
that I'm circulating between you guys, And if you have
any opinions on which ones I should go down, please help.
If you have any leads on any of these paths,
please let me know because I'm feeling clueless. I'm feeling
completely clueless, like you guys, New year knew me is
so out. It's New Year, same clueless mate, And I
(36:57):
can't wait to be clueless with you guys. In twenty
We're gonna find a way through. I'm gonna keep pushing,
keep doing trial and error and figuring out the new
era of Completely Clueless. And for now it'll be me
Olivia's coming on. We'll have some great conversations and hopefully
I'll start to add some guests back here and there
(37:17):
where I can, And just thank you all so much
for being a part of this journey. For those who
listen every week, like you have no idea how much
it means to me and how much you keep me
going with just listening or interacting with me on social media,
like it means the absolute world, because honestly, at that point,
at this point, like yeah, it's really what keeps me going.
(37:40):
So with all of that being said, we have come
to the end of the first episode of twenty twenty five.
It took so much effort to get here, but I'm
so happy we've gotten here. Thank you guys so much
for listening to today's episode of Completely Clueless. If anything
here resonated with you, please dm me. I think I'm
gonna start a broadcast channel soon so we can have
(38:01):
some more lines of communication between us. In the meantime,
please follow Completely Clueless on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube
at completely Clueless pod And if you want to keep
up with my personal journeys in life, you can follow
me at Sarah Alice Lidy on Instagram and TikTok. And
let's hope TikTok doesn't go away, all right, It's the
(38:21):
only hope I have to get this podcast out. We're
at this point because Instagram hates me. Anyways, have a
terrific Tuesday, you guys, have a wonderful week, and do
not forget big motherfucking clueless by you guys.
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