EP 5: I Felt Ashamed- Parent's Episode

On this week's Conversations With Kids Beating Cancer Podcast, we are joined by two separate parents of childhood cancer survivors, Leo & Melissa. In this episode, Leo and Melissa talk about the pediatric cancer journey from their perspectives and how challenging every aspect of that journey was. Shame, grief, hope, love, and community are just some of the topics explored in this episode. Whether you are a parent yourself, a family member, a friend, or even the one going through pediatric cancer, this episode will help you know- you are not alone. 


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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, everyone, Welcome back to Kids Beating Cancer podcast, brought
to you by Wipeout Kids Cancer, Dallas's pediatric charity since
nineteen eighty. On this week's episode, we have Leo and Melissa,
two parents of childhood cancer survivors, and they tell us
all about how the ups and down to having faith
and hope and the support from their very own community
help them through their cancer diagnosis journey. If you like

(00:29):
what you hear, please give us a five star review
and subscribe. And if you would like more information about
Wipe Out Kids Cancer, visit WOKC dot org. If you
would like to donate to Wipeout Kids Cancer, you can
always do so at WOKC backslash donate. That's WKC backslash
donate enjoy.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
Hi. My name is Leo and my wife and I
have a daughter named Olive and she was diagnosed with
leukemia al leukemia when she was seven.

Speaker 3 (01:10):
And my name's Melissa Garossi and my daughter is Haley,
and she was diagnosed with all leukemia when she was eleven.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
So the first time that I met Melissa and Haley
was actually at Children's Hospital. We had a person that
was on our baseball team that heard about what was
happening with Olive and just randomly sent a message that said, hey,
I have a friend. You know this is going to
be a little weird, but they're at the hospital and

(01:40):
I told them to come look for you. Her daughter's
also going through the same leukemia treatment, and I thought
it would just be you know, good for them to
come and meet you guys.

Speaker 4 (01:51):
Well, it is interesting.

Speaker 3 (01:53):
When you said that Leo was going to be the
other one on the podcast, I was like, oh, my goodness,
which actually goes so well with the story, because I
wanted to give a story of hope in how just
having hope and seeing other people, meeting other families that
have gone before you and seeing that their kid is
okay now or that they're doing okay. Because right when

(02:16):
you're first diagnosed it is rough. I mean, the whole
process is very difficult. But to meet other people that
came before us, I know, for me, when I had
other families that reached out and said, oh, I want
you to meet somebody and their daughter went through it
or their son, and just to talk with them and

(02:37):
they were much further along and they were in remission
and that they were just coming back for checkups, just
to see the hope that say, okay, they made it through,
like it gives you hope to say we can be there,
we can get through this. We can see lots of
others have gone through this and they're okay now. And
so when Kate sent me a message and she said,
I know this may be awkward for you, but we

(02:58):
have some good friends on this baseball team, and her
son and my son were our best friends.

Speaker 4 (03:03):
And she said that she.

Speaker 3 (03:04):
Wanted us to meet, and I was like, absolutely, So
she sent me your wife's her phone number, and so
I texted her and said, we're going in for chemo
that day, Halen. And now we're there for a checkup
and for her chemo, and.

Speaker 4 (03:18):
I just went by.

Speaker 3 (03:19):
I had your room number, so I remember we had
finished her chemo. When we were walking down trying to
go to find y'all, we passed.

Speaker 4 (03:25):
In the hallway.

Speaker 2 (03:25):
So you're absolutely right about the whole how much hope
you know, these these relationships can give you. We were
That was our first day in Building C, and I
remember it was literally right before we went we had
just wrapped up our whatever the initial dosage is seven

(03:47):
days or ten days or whatever, it is, and Olive's
hair had started to fall, and it happened way quicker
than we were really prepared for. And I honestly had
a lot of self pity, you know, in those moments,
because you're, you know, her dad. I should be able
to protect her and save her from anything, and then

(04:10):
this is happening to her and there's nothing you can
do about it. But we met them in the hallway
and we spoke to them for about two minutes, and
I remember looking at Haley and her hair had started
to grow back, and I remember an adrenaline shot of
hope being injected into my heart just from seeing her.

(04:32):
And I remember Melissa said, Okay, well this is great.
This is like what a year looks like like, you know,
your hair is growing back. And and I just stood
there in silence, like paralyzed, because you know, everybody tells
you these are the goals, these are the plans, but
all the doctors speak to you in uncertainty, you know,
and this might happen and that might happen, and we

(04:53):
just don't know. And then to be there face to
face with someone that looks great, you know, I remember
thinks like that's some beautiful hair, and.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
We went on and Haley actually lost her hair three times,
so that was rough. But they were just the different
stages that you went through. But I know for us too,
just seeing other kids that their hair had grown back
and to see that, oh, well, now they're on a
soccer team and they're playing and they're back in school.
It gave us hope because at that moment, Haley was

(05:25):
homebound and we were in the hospital for chemo three
sometimes three times a week, sometimes even more than that,
and it was it was a really rough time and
I was like, just to be able to go back
to school would be amazing. And to see other kids
that were further along and that they were back at
school and they were healthy and their hair had grown back,

(05:47):
it was it was It gave me a lot of hope.

Speaker 2 (05:50):
You know, you go through the whole diagnosis and then
very quickly they they put you into treatment, and they
gave you this whole play book of like this is
how things are going to transpire, and this is what's
gonna happen, and we're going to do this and we're
going to that. But it's all like unexplored stuff, you know,
and and anyhow I remember We went to our first

(06:12):
day of clinic ever, and Olive was throwing up, and
I felt like they should be ringing a bell and
somebody should be coming to help us, you know, and
they were kind of like, yeah, you know, all the
little corners have little green barf bags, and you know,
that's what happens when people are in chemo. And I
remember feeling almost angry, you know, that we weren't getting attention,

(06:32):
like our child was throwing up, you know, we just
got told that she has cancer, like somebody should be
here helping us, and they're just like, yeah, just help
yourself to a green barf bag, you know. And and
so I didn't feel happy about that. And then we
went we did our first We were the first people
in the morning, so we got there at seven thirty.
We went to go do labs, after labs, to go
do your chemo, and all these things are happening, and

(06:56):
on your first day, I think it was about ten
thirty in the morning. I finally got to the point
where I was like, I need a snack or I
need coffee or a drink. And I remember the revenging
machines by the entrance, and I told Melissa I said,
I'm going to walk over and get a drink. And
I went past the same area, the same waiting area

(07:18):
where we were at seven thirty in the morning, but
at ten thirty in the morning, it's now full of kids.
And you go through a parade of kids sitting on
both sides of the of the hallway that are missing
their hair, and you know, you could tell that they're
going through treatment. And I remember going to get the
drink and my hand started uncontrollably shaking, and then very

(07:42):
soon after my leg was shaking, and I didn't even
get a drink. I didn't have the courage or the
strength to walk back past them. Because we had just
found out we had leukemia four or five days before this,
I wasn't prepared, and I ended up taking the elevator
down to the first floor, going to the service elevator

(08:04):
on the side to take me back up to the
sixth floor so I could avoid going through the hallway
where all the kids were sitting, you know, that were
going through treatment. It is that shocking and hurtful to
think that your kid is going to be with no
hair and going through all that. And I remember I

(08:26):
went up there and when we were done with the treatment.
My wife said, you know, hey, it's this way, and
I said, you know, you can also get there this way,
and we went down the service elevator to the first
floor because I was just not ready to walk past
all these children with my wife and my daughter. And
when we got home, I told her, I said, listen,

(08:49):
seven thirty in the morning, there's nobody there. But when
these appointments were over, I said, you're going to have
to walk through a hallway full of kids that are
already in treatment. And it's inexplainable, right, like what you
feel and what happens when you're discussing hope. You know,

(09:10):
it's I don't believe that it's possible to actually explain
how much, what big a part hope, especially from other people,
what it means, and how it can be actually given.
You know. It's almost like you don't want to hear
advice or good wishes from people that haven't been through

(09:31):
it is that fair to say? Or yes?

Speaker 3 (09:35):
And I think everyone's journey is a little bit different.
And I think God prepared me somewhat right before Haley
was diagnosed, because I remember about a week before she
was diagnosed, I was driving down the freeway on when
fourteen here and a song came on the radio. It
was immersing me and it was the song even If,

(09:56):
And it was like, even if you know, it's easy
to praise you when when everything's going great, it's easy,
or praisey when everything's but even if it's not, how
will I react? And I remember I just felt like
God said, if something, if your world wasn't everything wasn't okay,
would you still praise me?

Speaker 4 (10:13):
Would you still honor me? How would your faith be?

Speaker 3 (10:16):
And I was like, ooh, that's a tough one, Like
if something really earth shattering happened in my life, how
would I react?

Speaker 4 (10:23):
And so a week later we.

Speaker 3 (10:25):
Got the call that Hayley because I had been taking
her into the doctor several times and I was like,
something's not right.

Speaker 4 (10:30):
And she was just lethargic. She didn't want to do things.

Speaker 3 (10:34):
She was just really tired, and I knew that I
thought she was just getting socially, she didn't want to
do anything.

Speaker 4 (10:39):
I thought something's wrong with her, like.

Speaker 3 (10:41):
She doesn't want to be around other kids, and so
I thought, I need to figure out.

Speaker 4 (10:44):
What's going on.

Speaker 3 (10:45):
And then she stopped doing things that she wanted to do,
and when that happened, and then she was running a fever.
So I kept taking her and she said her stomach hurt.
I kept taking her to the doctor and he said, no,
she's fine, it's fine. So I'd send her back to school.
And a couple of days later, she was like, mom,
she was still running like a ninety nine fever, and
he's like, that's normal for kids. I was like, but
it's been like a week at ninety nine and he's like, no,

(11:06):
that's normal, she's fine. And we had gone to Hawaiian
Falls for a Memorial Day was right before the Memorial
DA weekend, and I remember she couldn't carry her She'd
invited two friends with her and she couldn't carry the
tube to the top, and so I had to grab
it and carry with her.

Speaker 4 (11:22):
And I was like, girl, you're going to need to
work out.

Speaker 3 (11:24):
I was like, you're in fifth grade, you're about to
finish your fifth grade year, like you should be able
to carry this little tube up to the top.

Speaker 4 (11:31):
Of these stairs, and she couldn't.

Speaker 3 (11:33):
And so I thought, we're going to do a workout
schedule this summer. But that next morning she woke up
and she had like red spots all over, like a
rash on her neck and her side. And I was like,
did you scrape up against the like in something. She's
like no, and she just felt really bad. So we
ended up not going to school. So I took her

(11:53):
back into the doctor and she made it to the
end of the day, but I picked her up and
she got in the car and was crying. She's like,
I don't feel I feel horrible. Mom, like, I feel bad.
So I called the doctor again. I took her back
in and he said, well, maybe it's her gallbladder. So
they made an appointment with the gastor entrologist and so
they had said, well, we can't get you in until October.

Speaker 4 (12:15):
This was May. This is the end of May. And
they said we can't get you in.

Speaker 3 (12:18):
The early pointment we can get you is October, October
twenty fourth, and I was like, oh, that is not
going to work. And so they were like, well can
you come, can you come now? Like they send an email,
They're like can you come a couple of days, And
they finally were like, okay, come in in two days.

Speaker 4 (12:34):
And so I got her out of school.

Speaker 3 (12:36):
And we went up and had the gastroentrologists as like,
I think it's Celiac disease and run all these tests,
but they couldn't do a sonogram on her because she
had eaten like a handful half of gran ol ward
that morning and she hadn't eaten in like three days,
and I couldn't get her to eat and she's like,
it just hurts so bad, and she couldn't swallow very well,
and so we ended up walking downstairs. They were like,

(12:59):
well she has we can't get in. They put the
order in. They're like, you have to come back on
another day when she's been fasting well, she started throwing
up and as we were walking out, and I was like, well,
now you threw everything up, let's just.

Speaker 4 (13:10):
Walk in and see it.

Speaker 3 (13:13):
I walked through the area and I was like I've
walked up to the lady and was like, I know
we don't have an appointment, but is there any way
you can get her in now?

Speaker 4 (13:21):
And she said we just had somebody to cancel, like
come back right now. I'm like, whoa, Okay. So we
walked back.

Speaker 3 (13:27):
And they did the sonogram on her, and the lady
I know, they can't tell you anything that's wrong.

Speaker 4 (13:32):
The technicians that are doing it.

Speaker 3 (13:34):
But she said, you need to go back up and
get talk to the doctor right now. And I was like,
they don't have any of the overbook. They said, we
can't come back like. So she goes, no, you need
to go right now, and I could tell something is wrong,
but she wouldn't tell us.

Speaker 4 (13:48):
Was like okay. So we went back upstairs and the
doctor said, oh, it's fine.

Speaker 3 (13:53):
It's like her liver and her spleen are twice the
size they should be.

Speaker 4 (13:58):
But so we're going to send you to have some
blood bod test. And was like okay.

Speaker 3 (14:02):
She said they're probably going to tell you it's cancer,
but don't worry.

Speaker 4 (14:04):
It's not. It's fine, and it was like okay.

Speaker 3 (14:08):
So we ended up going to get her blood drawn
and she hadn't eaten anything for like three days and
she was so weak and they had they had to
take out nine vials of blood and her little bitty
body and they started doing calculations on her weight because
they were like, we don't think we can take this
much blood, like it's too much blood for us to take.

(14:28):
I was like, oh my goodness. And so they did
calculations and they're like Okay, we can, we can do this.
So she passed out twice on the table getting the
blood and the lady that was supposed to have a
rush on it to get the results, but the nurse
that was taking them, I think she was having a
bad day that day. She was like, nope, we're not
putting a rush. It wasn't ordered, blah blah blah, because

(14:49):
you'll just have to wait two days to get the
results back. It's like okay.

Speaker 4 (14:53):
So we came home and it was very into the
school year.

Speaker 3 (14:57):
So I had gone to my son's his awards at school,
and I left Haley at home and I was.

Speaker 4 (15:01):
Like, if she feels good enough, maybe she can make
it to her fifth grade graduation. So we went. I
came back home and Haley was on the couch and
I got.

Speaker 3 (15:09):
The phone call and they said you need to get
to the hospital right now. They're like, her levels are
really high.

Speaker 4 (15:16):
And they told me what they were and I was like, okay,
I don't know anything.

Speaker 3 (15:21):
What the stuff means, and so I said tell me again,
and so I wrote it down and they said her
white blood count is at two seventy and so I
wrote it on a piece of paper.

Speaker 4 (15:33):
Because I was like, these don't.

Speaker 3 (15:34):
Mean anything in our platelets were really low. So I
wrote everything down and I jumped in the car and
we started driving off and right at that moment when
we passed right where I had heard that song or
seen the week before, even if, and they asked me,
They're like, can you drive get to the emergency room
right now?

Speaker 4 (15:51):
We are waiting for you.

Speaker 3 (15:52):
So I put her in the car and something told
me like you might be there, so just grab a bag.
So I grabbed a bag and I put pajamas and
tooth rush sement and that was literally the only thing
we had. So we ran out the door and I
called my husband and said, I'll meet you there. So
we were passing that part. It was right and rent
of the cheesecake factory on one fourteen, and that memory

(16:14):
came back to me and it said, even if you
get results, that you get news that you don't want
to hear, are you what's your faith going to do?
Are you still going to praise me? And I was like, oh, okay.
So we get to the hospital and they asked me
you know what's wrong, and I said, well, they called
me and told us get here immediately, and I told

(16:34):
him that her what her levels were, it's two seventy
and they said, no, that's not possible. And I was like,
that's just what they said. They said, you mean two
point seven. I was like, they said two hundred and
seventy and which was actually two hundred and seventy thousand,
because that's given you thousands and normal it is between
four and ten four and ten thousand, and she was
at two hundred and seventy thousand, and they said that's

(16:55):
not possible.

Speaker 4 (16:56):
So they did another.

Speaker 3 (16:57):
Blood test right there, and they ran the test and
it came back three hundred and thirty thousand, and they
got a crash cart and brought a crash cart over there,
and I was like, Oh, this is not good. And
they still didn't tell us, and they said, we need
to go do x rays. So they took her back
for x rays because she kept complaining about she couldn't
breathe very well. And they did an X ray and

(17:20):
they found out that she had a giant mass that
had grown around her. It was right by her heart,
and it was around her heart and it was around
her esophagus. And they said the way that it formed,
she couldn't lay down for seven days after that because
they were afraid that if she laid flat that she
wouldn't be able to really would cut off her air
supply and which she would die. And so she wasn't

(17:42):
allowed to lay down for several days. And they told
us that she had a mass around her heart and
that's all they told me, and that her air supply
the way that it grew, was wrapped around and they said,
we don't know how it hasn't shut off her breathing
with the growth of this, but it's kind of a
miracle it hadn't. We were like, okay, So I thought
she's about to have open heart surgery.

Speaker 4 (18:02):
And they still didn't tell us what it was. So
they took us back.

Speaker 3 (18:05):
To room and they had her in the emergency room.
They took my husband and my back to her room
and there was They put us there by ourselves, and
they left us there for a long time, and so
I came out and I said, you know, I want
to be back with my daughter. You know what's wrong,
And one of the nurses told me. He said, well,
they're waiting for a chaplain and social services to get here.

Speaker 4 (18:26):
And I was like, oh, that's not good.

Speaker 3 (18:28):
So I went back in and I called a friend
who totally got thing too. She was actually on a
kickball team with me here in our town that we
played on and I knew she was a doctor, but
and then I found out the week before that she
worked at Children's hospital, and I found out she was at.

Speaker 4 (18:45):
On collegey doctor and she's actually head of the.

Speaker 3 (18:48):
Bone marrow transplants, and I didn't know that at the time,
and I called her and I was like, what is
going on? And she said, oh, Melissa Hailey's numbers came
across my desk this morning, but because of hipike could
and call you. But when I called her and she
was able to tell me that, she said it's leukemia
and they've already assigned a doctor. But it was late

(19:09):
in the evening, and so she said, you won't see
her till the next morning, but they're going to admit
you and you'll meet her tomorrow morning.

Speaker 4 (19:14):
And I was just like, whoa, Okay.

Speaker 3 (19:17):
So my husband and I were in that back room
by ourselves, and I remember at that moment I told him.
I looked at my husband Michael, and I said, okay,
they said it's leukemia, and I said, this is day one, like,
we need to pray, and so we got down and
we just pray. We pray that God would go before
us and just give us strength and hope to get.

Speaker 4 (19:36):
Through this battle.

Speaker 3 (19:37):
And so I walked back out and I was like,
can I see my daughter? And they were like, we're
still waiting. I said, look, I know she has leukemia.
Can we just see my daughter. So the doctors came
in at that point. They were like, okay, you know
and they said, okay, we're going to go tell Haley
and I said no, I want to be the one
to tell her. And they were like, what, We've never

(19:58):
had a parent.

Speaker 4 (19:58):
That wanted to tell them.

Speaker 3 (19:59):
And I said, well, I always told Haley that I'll
always be honest with you and I'll tell you the truth.
If you ask me something, I'll always be honest with you,
even if it's hard. I said, I want to be
the one to tell her because I wanted to make
sure I told her that God was still going to go.
This is a scary thing, but God is still going
before us. And so I walked in and like all
the doctors and nurses came in the room with me.

(20:20):
So I had like fifteen people in this tiny little
emergency room, because I think they thought she's not going
to tell her. She's not going to tell her, But
I did, and Haley just looked at me, and at
that point later she told me, she said, Mom, I
didn't even know what leukemia meant, what it was, and
I was like, well, I barely did. I didn't even
know how to spell it, and I just knew it
was a cancer, but I didn't know what was entailed
for us, that it's a very long battle. And Haley

(20:43):
ended up getting the worst kind, the most aggressive kind.
So it was a long battle with the most aggressive
chemo that they did, and it was two and a
half years, and so at that moment it was almost
more than you can handle, because two and a half
years it was just like what I mean, that just
seem like an eternity, Like how are we going to
get through two and a half years? And now looking back,

(21:04):
that was six years ago and to see where she is.

Speaker 2 (21:06):
But I didn't realize that she had the you know,
the more difficult one. We felt, or I should only
speak for myself, I know when we first were told,
I felt ashamed, like I don't know why, like it
was just my emotion. I felt like, you know, we
didn't feed her organic cereal and you know I should.

Speaker 4 (21:28):
Oh I had the same thing.

Speaker 3 (21:30):
And nothing can prepare you for that moment when the
doctor says your child has cancer, Like nothing can prepare
you because you always think, oh, that will never happen
to us, that will never that somebody else, but that
could never happen to us. But I felt so bad
because I had so many people that came and told me, oh,
it's because you used tide detergent you use you don't
use organic detergent, that that can cause cancer in your kid.

Speaker 4 (21:52):
That you can this, or you ate pop tarts.

Speaker 3 (21:54):
Pop tarts can cause and it was just like everything
and I just started going through my brain like every
everything that just you know, oh, I gave my kid
a lollipop that has cancer. And I felt the same
way for a long time that it was my fault.

Speaker 2 (22:09):
Yeah. And I don't think people understand how how hurtful
they are when they're like I heard that it's somebody
told me that it was like nutrigenea sunscreen, and I'm like,
I buy nutrigina, you know, like and and I don't
think that they realized like how you know when you're
the parent, you know, like that's it's very hurtful.

Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (22:31):
I actually had a server at Olive Garden, which Haley loves.

Speaker 4 (22:36):
Olive Garden.

Speaker 3 (22:36):
That was her favorite restaurant and we went there all
the time, and we had a server that was fantastic.

Speaker 4 (22:41):
That was great. After all of her.

Speaker 3 (22:42):
Chemos, she wanted to go, you did Olive Garden on
the way home. But one day we had a different
server and he came in and I know he meant well,
and I tried not to take it personal, but he
told me, oh, how can you dare give your child chemo?
That is just poison your putting in her body. I
could never do that, Like you just need to stop.
Don't let them do that to her. And I'm like, wow,

(23:06):
so you have a medical I wanted to say, so
you have a medical background in this.

Speaker 4 (23:12):
Like you know it's best for my child.

Speaker 3 (23:13):
When I was told if I don't give this child's chemo,
she will die, like they rushed just up. Haley actually
spent We were in the ICU for two days. We
went straight from the er up to the ICU because
her levels were so high, which turns out Haley's really
small like me, and so she was on growth hormones
before and they they basically were told later that it

(23:37):
was like adding gasoline to fire, and so they were
to help her grow faster, and so giving her all
of those growth hormone shots before we knew she had cancer,
it was just having them grow. Cancers already super fast growing,
and so it was growing like at astronomical rates, and
that's why her levels were completely off the charts, and
they had never seen anybody that had that levels when

(23:59):
we got there.

Speaker 2 (24:00):
Yeah, yeah, it was. It took me a long time
to get over the you know that that feeling that
you think of everything you think of. I remember thinking
about detergent, thinking about sugar, like, yeah.

Speaker 4 (24:15):
Did we eat too much sugar?

Speaker 2 (24:16):
Do we?

Speaker 3 (24:16):
I mean, everything just for a while was going through
my mind like I could have prevented this if I'd
only done something different, if I didn't give her this,
if I read all these labels, and but but you
can't do that to yourself.

Speaker 4 (24:31):
I realize that now.

Speaker 3 (24:32):
And it took a few days, but I finally realized
I can't do this.

Speaker 4 (24:36):
And the first week.

Speaker 3 (24:38):
I hear that saying that God will never give you
more than you can handle. I've heard that a lot before,
and that is so completely not true. And I learned
that the first week because I was like, yeah, this
is way more than I can handle, Like this is
out of my control.

Speaker 4 (24:53):
I can't handle this.

Speaker 3 (24:54):
And I felt like he said, I never meant for
you to handle the good, like give it to me,
and that at verse that's you know, give him your burdens.

Speaker 4 (25:04):
And the yoke.

Speaker 3 (25:05):
I can't remember exactly, but I was like, I need
to give this to God and let him handle it,
because this is so much more than I can control.
And when I did that, it was so refreshing because
I was blaming myself too, like I've done something wrong.
I wasn't a good mom and it's something that I
could have prevented. And even the doctor said, there's no

(25:25):
way of knowing. There's no they don't know what caused
the Lukimian her, why she got it. There's no like, oh,
you did this or do this differently. They don't, so
so I think, as a parent, don't beat yourself up.

Speaker 4 (25:38):
It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 (25:39):
Yeah, I mean Olive was she was playing soccer and
the coach of the team. It was the very first
game of the season, and the coach of the team
phoned and said, you know, hey, I know it's the
first week, but I'm gonna be out of town. Can
you can you cope? And I was like, oh yeah,

(26:00):
seven year old soccer no problem. You know you have
to do is yell and say go get the ball.
So so I went out there and and she had
previously we'd been back and forth to the hospital. She
was saying that her stomach hurt and that her back hurt,
and you know, we we have similar similar things that
happened to us that it was always like, you know,

(26:21):
we're gonna give her she has a contusion or she
you know, just silly things like that. But that day
I saw her and the little girl bump into one
another and it was the most innocent, like shoulder to
shoulder bump. You know, it was in a big deal.
And I saw them bump into each other, and I
immediately like felt the Holy Spirit tell me to take
her to the hospital. And I was like what, And

(26:42):
instinctively I just walked onto the field and I went
over to her, and she had tears coming out of
her eyes and she's like, I can't feel my leg
I can't feel my leg and I just picked her
up and I walked straight to the car and I
left my phone, I left my the water bottles, I
left everything, and I just I was walking across the
foot the soccer field and I told one of the

(27:03):
other parents, I said, we have to go to the hospital.
And I just walked to the car. And as I
was approaching the car, another parent came with my phone
and my keys. I didn't have my keys, you know,
And and so we got in the car and and
my I had one of my other sons with us.
I was apparently like going to leave them there, and

(27:25):
I said, get in the car, you know, we're going
to the hospital. And all of it. At this point
now was crying in pain. And I called my wife.
I explained it to her. She kind of made it
seem like, well, you know, it's not a big deal,
you know whatever. And we went to the hospital. I
actually dropped off my son at Starbucks and I said,
I said, Mama, Beard, pick you up soon. I dropped
them up at Starbucks and we went to Children's just

(27:46):
Olive and I. And when we arrived, we went through,
you know, a regular visit to the ICU basically told us,
it's another confusion, which is a deep bruise, and you
guys should go home. And while we were there, I
got a text message from Justin which they were on
our baseball team, saying that Avery was diagnosed with leukemia.
And I was like, I was like, hey, man, we're

(28:07):
at the hospital right now. You know, where are you?
And then he said on the seventh floor or whatever,
And so we went up there and we walked in
and by this time, Olive is not in any pain,
you know, and we we prayed with them, and I remember,
you know, having that whole experience, and I remember thinking like, wow,
like what a trip, you know, like they like we
were here, and they were here and they have leukemia,

(28:29):
and little did I know, we my wife made an
appointment to take Olive to a I think it was
a physical therapist or someone, and the appointment went very well.
She wasn't in any pain, but there was something about
the way that she like walked out or hopped off
the bed. I can't remember what it was. That he
was like, if you don't mind, you know, let's do

(28:50):
some blood work. And they did the blood work, and
that evening we were at home about Tate dinner when
they called and basically said that her her blood counts
were high and all these things. But what I remember
is I remember asking my wife. She's like, we got
to go to the hospital right now, and we were.
I was a children's pastor at a church here in
South Lake. I totally thought it had to do with

(29:12):
one of the kids in the church ministry, and so
I told all the kids, like, hey, you're going to
your grandma's house, you know. And then Melissa's like, not
alive all it means to come with us, And I
was like okay. And I kind of thought, okay, it
must be a girl, it must be one of her friends.
And then I remembered about Avery, and I was like,
oh my gosh, I said, I said, why does Alli
have to come? And Melissa looks right at me and

(29:33):
she's like it's all like we have to get her
to the hospital. And I said okay, and she's like
right now, like right the second, and I said, what
what did they say? And she like looking right at me,
eye contacted, she says, I don't remember, and she's she's like,
but we have to go. And I've said okay, no problem.
And we went to the hospital and we were there

(29:56):
for about a day and a half when they finally
came in and they told us, you know, on college
he came in. Our room was full of kids from
the church and from baseball. I'm kind of like I
say often that it was a little embarrassing, like we
were getting so many gifts to the hospital that they
didn't fit in the room, and so we were constantly
sending them out to the cars. It took two suburbans

(30:18):
to get everything like out of the room. And on
that day in particular, they came and they said, you know,
we need to talk to you guys, and we went
out to the hallway. They wanted to find somewhere more private,
and Melissa's just like, just tell us, you know, just
tell us. And they were like, okay, well, you know
your daughter has leukemia. And now I was a little

(30:40):
familiar with leukemia because avery you know, eight or ten
days before they had been diagnosed, and so I understood
what they were talking about. I still didn't really understand
what it was, but I knew that that it was serious.
I knew it was cancer. I knew all that, and
I had a moment where I remember I had to
ask everyone to leave, which was really awkward, you know,

(31:02):
because they were all our friends. And I literally had
to walk in there and say, hey, guys, I'm sorry.
You know, something happened, and you guys will have to
go home. And everybody was very orderly about it. But
it took, you know, three maybe five minutes for everyone
to leave, and I walked them to the elevator, just
kind of to give everybody some space and to sort
of be courteous. And I too had a moment where

(31:25):
I was in the hallway in between the elevators and
the rooms, and it was just a real long hallway,
and I remember praying, and I remember I said Lord.
And what was really awkward about it was that I
was like traumatized by the events that were happening. And
I remember I was praying out loud, and I remember
I said Lord, and I felt like it was like

(31:50):
a weird moment where I'm like, hey, man, you're talking
out loud, you know, but that's just how it was happening.
And I said Lord, and I felt immediately I felt
like God got really near me, you know, almost like
when you're having a conversation with someone and you go
to tell them something personal and they kind of like
lean in to listen to you. That's how I felt,

(32:10):
and I said, Lord, I said, if this disease takes
my daughter's life, I said, I will dig her grave
with my own two hands. And I'm like, in every
shovel adert I take out, I'll call you good, and
every shovel adert that I take out, I'll call you Lord,
and every shovel adrt that I take out, I'll call
you faithful. And I said, but you know, be gentle

(32:32):
with us, and I said, help us get through this.
And it was so hurtful to even say that, you know.
And I immediately felt what you described like his yoke
being easy, and I got like I took a deep
breath and I went back to the room and I
told Melissa, I said, we're going to pray. We're going

(32:54):
to ask everyone we can for help, and we're going
to fight this and we're gonna and we're going to
beat it and things are going to be, you know, perfect.
And right then and there we prayed, just like you guys.
We prayed and we asked God to help us. Immediately
text message a couple of people and it was the
beginning of that. But every step of the way God

(33:16):
kept like one miracle, another miracle, another miracle, even the darn.

Speaker 4 (33:21):
Uh oh yes, the buddy bag.

Speaker 2 (33:23):
Buddy bags, Oh my gosh, I don't know what did
you think when you first got it.

Speaker 3 (33:26):
Well, we didn't get our buddy bag unfortunately until much later,
but we could have really used it because we did
not have I had a pair of pajamas and two toothbrushes.
It was literally all that Haley and I had, and
we were in the hospital for a month. I didn't
come home when I went back, then she got her
buddy bag, but by that time we had people bringing up.

(33:47):
But those buddy bags are so so helpful, like I
can understand. So I remember calling my husband asking him
to bring me some things and he had no clue,
Like he had no clue what to bring in.

Speaker 2 (34:01):
Yeah. I remember seeing it and the logo on it
is w O KC. And I remember trying to just
trying to pronunciate, you know it, what it meant and
it It was probably about three months into it that
I figured out that it was stood for Wipeout Kids Cancer.

(34:21):
Like I remember thinking it was just a goofy thing.
I remember looking through it. My wife took it to
heart right right when they gave it to her. She
filled it up with things at the house and like
she put it to use immediately, and I remember looking
through it, and but I remember thinking this is a
nice gesture. Like I remember thinking like, this is a

(34:41):
nice gesture. But I went through it and it was
like you said, toothpaste, toothbrushes, like.

Speaker 3 (34:48):
Little things that are so necessary in the moment that
how can people ask how can we help you? Yeah,
toothpaste would be nice right now?

Speaker 5 (34:56):
And yeah, and I remember thinking the opposite, if you
remember thinking like I could pick all this up at
CBS in like five minutes, you know, And I kind
of just like I thought it to be like a
nice gesture, but I didn't see the value.

Speaker 2 (35:10):
Boy was I wrong. Like let me tell you how
many times I went through that buddy bag and.

Speaker 6 (35:15):
I was like, they put nail clippers in here, you know,
I mean nail clippers or Q tips. Yes, I remember
finding Q tips in it and like almost having to pray,
tell God, thank you, you know, like they put things
in there that become like I don't know what a

(35:36):
nail clipper costs, but you could multiply times one hundred.

Speaker 2 (35:39):
That's the value it has.

Speaker 3 (35:41):
Because we just couldn't leave the hospital and Haley was
really bad and we couldn't even she couldn't even lay
down for several days, and so they were pumping herself
full of full of fluids and they had to get
the chemo immediately. We were just we couldn't even leave
her alone for more than like twenty minutes, and so
to go get something at CBS was just like I can't,

(36:02):
I can't do that right now.

Speaker 4 (36:04):
And so just little things that I need.

Speaker 2 (36:06):
Yeah, Yeah, it was the things in there. There was
like I remember there was a nail file, which the
first time I saw it, I was like, okay, you know,
I didn't think much of it, but I remember needing
a nail file and saying, oh.

Speaker 6 (36:19):
My goodness, there's one in the in the buddy bag,
you know, like digging through there and like it's almost.

Speaker 2 (36:24):
Like their experience in what goes into the bags. Uh,
it's irreplaceable. Is that fair to say?

Speaker 3 (36:34):
Like?

Speaker 2 (36:34):
Who thinks of these things that you're going to need
a nail clipper?

Speaker 3 (36:38):
Yeah, little little things. I remember, we just a blanket
and a pillow because we were sleeping on that little
couch bed thing for a month and it was so hard, and.

Speaker 4 (36:52):
All the medication.

Speaker 3 (36:53):
I don't know if all have had this, but the
medication they were giving Haley, she was like so hot
and always burning up. So our room was freezing cold
and I was just freezing in there, and someone brought
a blanket, and I remember it was just like, thank you,
Like this is the best gift ever, a blanket. I
can survive in here.

Speaker 2 (37:12):
Now, you know, now that you mentioned it, I think
a lot of that initial experience maybe I haven't like
blocked out in my head, but now that you're discussing
all this, it's true. I remember somebody gave us like
a foam mattress, yellow top, and I was like, thank
you so much, you know, because you're right and you're there.

Speaker 3 (37:32):
First, my aunt brought one of those, and my back
hurts so bad, and she brought one of those up there,
and I was able to sleep on that, and I
was like, oh, thank you Jesus.

Speaker 4 (37:40):
It was I was able to get sleep.

Speaker 3 (37:42):
And so we ended up passing that on another friend
that we met in the hospital. They were diagnosed and
it's funny how just the connections of people.

Speaker 4 (37:52):
I actually ran into them.

Speaker 3 (37:56):
In the hospital on I met them in the elevator,
like I ran into them. And I used to work
with them at a former job, and I was like, oh,
my goodness, what are you doing here? And their daughter
had just been diagnosed and we were leaving at that
point for our first after the first thirty days, and
I came back up there and I'm like, I have
something for you.

Speaker 4 (38:14):
And so I came home and I.

Speaker 3 (38:15):
Got that that foam roller and I took it up
there to them so they would have something to sleep on.

Speaker 4 (38:20):
So I hope they they passed it on to someone
else too.

Speaker 2 (38:23):
Yeah. I even remember, like after I had figured out
what wipe out kids cancer meant, you know, and everything,
some random day I was just thinking about it, and
I'm like, man, like, this is the right mindset to
have when you're talking about cancer and kids, Like let's
wipe it out. You know, when your kid has it,

(38:43):
you don't want to be okay, you don't want to
survive chemo like you want to wipe it out. And
I totally remember, you know, contemplating that and thinking like
I don't know who came up with the name. But
this is you know, this takes some determination and some vision,

(39:04):
you know, to say wipe out Kids cancer. Because you
could think of it like in general, wipe it out
from the whole planet and all that. That's, of course, right,
that'd be wonderful one day too. But when you're going
through it and you just it means something personal to you,
and you're like, right now, I'm looking at the wipe
Out Kids Cancer logo and I'm just believing that that's
going to be for me, for my daughter, you know,

(39:25):
for us and our treatment and all these things. They
they're symbolic, but they're like so profound and they really
give you I don't know.

Speaker 3 (39:36):
And now being on the other side, I love the
research part of Wipeout Kid Cancer, how they're trying to
find a cure so that we don't have to because
I mean, I praise God that Haley is okay now
and all of it is okay. But the treatment that
they went through, it was hard and it was intense,
and I mean it was just got wrenching, and I

(39:56):
mean one of the hardest things we've ever done. And
there's times that I don't want anybody to have to
go through that and to see your child have to
be like the doctor said, we have to give her
this chemo.

Speaker 4 (40:05):
You have to sign these release forms, like we.

Speaker 3 (40:07):
Know that it causes all these terrible side effects, I
mean like really long term, hard, hard, harmful things, but
it's like if you don't, your kid might die. So
it's like it's hard to make that choice. I mean,
obviously I don't want her to die. It's like, Okay,
we're signing, definitely going to do this. But if they
could find a cure where you parents don't have to

(40:29):
make that choice, like it like other options that the
chemo is not. The side effects would be gone, that
they could kill cancer without having all these other like
harmful to their heart and that you know, reducing this
and problems with learning and all these different things that
we wouldn't have to go through. Even losing hair, even

(40:49):
though hair is a small thing, it's it's it's hard.
It's really hard.

Speaker 2 (40:54):
Yeah, it's very hard when it's your kid and they're
losing it.

Speaker 3 (40:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (41:00):
Yeah, we had us personally, we had a lot of
incredible support across the board, family, friends, people from church.
I have an interesting story about when we first got
diagnosed the baseball team went over to our house and
emptied out the entire house. They took everything out of
the house. They had it out in the front yard,

(41:21):
and they deep cleaned the house. People from the community
came and painted, and air conditioning company came and deep
cleaned the vents and installed the UV filtration system, and
you know, all these all this like wonderful support, you know,
And so we were we even I will say we.

(41:43):
Somebody started us a gofund me, and the GoFundMe raised
a lot of money. I can't remember precisely right now,
but it was like, if I remember correctly, it raised
like seventy thousand dollars something like that. Wow, And so
we were able. I just I absolutely love it. We
had someone it was someone I've never met, just a
random stranger. I remember. He donated and he sent me

(42:05):
a message and he said, I'm donating because when a
parent is helping their kid deal with cancer, the last
thing they should do is worry about how to pay
an electricity bill. And so we had all this great support,
and we just felt so strong and so weak at

(42:26):
the same time, like you feel you have all this backup,
but there's this uncertainty like two inches from your face,
you know, and so so you just have to navigate
that altogether. But we were really after it. We were
really after you know, getting the treatment. Yeah, you know

(42:47):
all of that. And I remember getting a phone call
one day from my brother and he said, Hey, how
is it going. How's all live? You know? And I
was like, you know, we're in here and we're doing
the treatment, and the last thing you want to do
is tell people the treatment, right like, when you're going
through it, the last thing you want to do is
have a conversation of like we did labs today and
we went to you don't want to talk about any

(43:10):
of that. But so I made short of that conversation
and he says to me, he says, why, I know
that you're going through a lot, He said, but you know,
you know, I was just thinking, you know, maybe maybe
it would be nice if like you came and you
saw the other kids. And I had an epiphany there

(43:30):
that I hadn't been home in two weeks. I'd been
all the focus went to olive and I was like, yeah,
you know, I'll come home tonight. And we had, you know,
all that support, all that strength, were friends, and family,
you know, taking care of our other children. And I

(43:50):
had checked out, you know, And so I told Melissa
that day, I said, I'm going to go home today.
And I said, are you okay, you know, staying here,
and she was like yeah, And I said, I just
I have to, you know, see the boys, and and
so I went home. And that was the first time
for us it was very easy to overlook the other kids.
We had to actually fight for them, you know. I

(44:12):
had to tell me, was so like, go home tomorrow,
you know, go to a baseball game.

Speaker 3 (44:17):
And We're really fortunate about the community when we cried
there too. Our community was so amazing and the friends
and family that stepped up were just so helpful, Like
we could not have gotten through it without our faith
in our community, our friends. And when they called me
my son when we were first diagnosed who my son

(44:38):
was still at school. It was the last day of
school and I remember just driving off and I called
one of my friends and was like, can you can
you just pick him up?

Speaker 4 (44:51):
Can you?

Speaker 3 (44:51):
And she was like absolutely, So she brought him home
with him and they were on our baseball team.

Speaker 4 (44:56):
She's one of my really close friends.

Speaker 3 (44:58):
So we got to the hospital and I had to
call her and tell her like what it was. She
was one of the first people that we told, and
so she came up to the hospital, and my sister,
who lives three hours away, just happened was totally a
god thing too.

Speaker 4 (45:09):
She just happened to be in.

Speaker 3 (45:10):
Town for her kids had a golf tournament in Dallas
that weekend, so she was in Dallas and she I
called her and she was at the hospital in like
forty five minutes, and so they took my son, Brennan,
my friend Jamie, she and we said, please bring Brennan
up to the hospital because they told us Haley was
going to ic you from the emergency room. And we

(45:31):
were waiting because we didn't know at that time if
they were going to allow kids that were under thirteen
in the ICU around her this year. So we didn't
know how long because they said we'd be in the
hospital for at least a month, and so we were like,
we want him to see her, and it's this is
actually a really funny story. In the middle of it
was they took him to baseball practice after school. They

(45:51):
took him to baseball practice and he was in second
grade at that time, and they had won a tournament
the week before and they passed. It was rained out
and they didn't get the trophies, and so they gave
them to him at practice. And so they brought my
son to the hospital and he had his trophy with
So he comes in the emergency room with his trophy
and he's so proud. And I remember telling my my

(46:15):
sister was there with her family, my niece and my
nephew and her husband and Brennan, and I told him,
I said, you know what, this is day one, and
I want to take a picture so we can see
God's faithfulness. So so let's take a picture right here
in the emergency room, and we're going to say this
is day one, and we'll look back on this day
and see how far we've come someday. And so we

(46:35):
have that picture and we're all just kind of solemnly
looking at the camera, and then there's Brenan holding his trophy.
Like we were so distracted with everything else, we didn't
realize he's holding his trophy up for this picture. And
so it's hilarious now to see like he's proudly displaying
his trophy.

Speaker 4 (46:52):
And I talked to him this simmer because it.

Speaker 3 (46:54):
Popped up on Facebook, that memory and it was so
funny and it was laughing, and he's he's fourteen.

Speaker 4 (47:00):
Now, and I told him.

Speaker 3 (47:03):
Like my version of the story and what was going on,
and so he told me what he was thinking.

Speaker 4 (47:08):
And it was the first time I sat down and
realized that.

Speaker 3 (47:10):
And he was like, I knew Haley was sick, but
I didn't understand what was going on, And he was
so young at that time. He's like, I just didn't
understand what was really in tailing and what it meant.
And I'm glad he didn't, because I mean, I think
God doesn't want us to know everything. At the time,
that's all his little heart could handle. But I'm so
thankful for our friends. They brought him home and he

(47:33):
spent the night with them, and they took him to
school for the very live It was just like the
last fun.

Speaker 4 (47:37):
Day that they just played games.

Speaker 3 (47:38):
So they took him to school and they kept him
and my sister ended up taking our dog and my
son home. She was a teacher also and they had
just gotten out of school, so she took him home
for like a week and a half to be with
her so I could just be with Haley in the hospital,
and I'm so thankful that we didn't have to worry
about the dog and we didn't have to worry. And

(47:59):
I do remember when we were starting us. It was
right at the end of school and everything is chaos.

Speaker 2 (48:04):
Just you're just.

Speaker 3 (48:04):
Trying to like make it through, like we just have
to get through this and finish everything. And I had
been sick because I was having all those pains, and
so I had washed all these clothes and my house
was like a wreck. It was probably one of the
worst it's ever been. And I had just thrown all
the laundry on the couch. It was piled up. It's like,
I'll fold that later. The dishes weren't clean.

Speaker 4 (48:28):
I was like, I'll wash that was later, that kind
of thing.

Speaker 3 (48:31):
And so now I'm like, you know what, I probably
should take better care because you never know when you're
gonna get called. And so my sister came over and
some other people that found out they came over and
they cleaned my house, and I.

Speaker 4 (48:43):
Was so embarrassed.

Speaker 3 (48:44):
I was like, it is like, is so bad. But
I when we came home, the house was clean, and
they took care of so many things. And people brought
over food, and my husband only got to stay at
the hospital for three days and he had to go
back to work, so he was back working really really soon,
and I was just with Haley at the hospital and

(49:05):
so for people to come in and take care of Vernon,
and we can never thank them enough. I can never
thank them enough for that sibling. And I felt so
bad because I'm missed so much that he was doing
and I wanted to be there, but I knew somebody
had to be with Haley also. So all baseball tournaments
that summer were so hard because we watched on game changer,

(49:29):
but I couldn't be there.

Speaker 4 (49:30):
And his sweet little team. It was a little boy
on the team, and he said, you know what.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
They would pray before the games, and they all were
pink wristbands for her, and they'd take pictures and so
they would send pictures of these prayers. And one little
boy said, you know what, I'm going to hit a
home run for Haley, and he did, and so my
son said, I'm going to hit a home run too.
So he got up and he hit a home run
and we have it on video, and does he hear

(49:58):
the whole crowd just going wild. And so they started
a thing called Home Runs for Haley, and they made
T shirts. They made T shirts. Everybody was wearing It's
it was just amazing, Like just to see the love
and support that we got from the community during that
time was amazing. We couldn't have done it without everyone's help.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
Yeah, yeah, we have very simil our baseball stories. It's wild,
Like literally, I could tell your story pretty EM's like.

Speaker 3 (50:30):
Yeah, I'm thankful for my faith and community that helped
get us through. But I'm also thankful to the advances
that are in medicine now that if Haley had been
diagnosed fifty years ago, she more than likely would have died.
I mean, I don't think she would have made it.
There's almost no way. And I'm thankful for the doctors

(50:52):
that were so instrumental. They're like rock stars to help
these kids. And it's new that with kids they actually
share they have the same medical protocol no matter where
you are, Like they share the same So if Haley
was in California or in Montana or Florida or Texas,
it's the same protocol that they use, doesn't matter really

(51:14):
what hospital you're at, And they don't do that with
adult cancers. They have hospital specialized in that. So I'm
thankful that they do share the knowledge that they have
so that they can help all kids, not just when
hospital help kids, but all kids.

Speaker 4 (51:32):
And I would just say keep the hope.

Speaker 3 (51:34):
That it was a really hard journey and there are
some really hard dark days that nothing can prepare you for.
And I know for Haley, she had some reactions and
so we had to change some of the keemot because
she had reactions to some of it and people didn't
prepare me for that, and so they had to bring

(51:56):
out the EpiPen and give all this stuff. And I'm
thankful that happened in the hospital while while that was
going on. But just the hope to know that Hailey's
doing amazing now.

Speaker 4 (52:08):
Like she is.

Speaker 3 (52:09):
Her hair's grown back and it is thicker than it
ever was and it's just beautiful. And she has has
become such a warrior, like she knows that she is
strong and she knows what she has been through and
she has an appreciation for life, like she's mature beyond
her years because of what she's been through. And there

(52:30):
are challenges to that still too, because she's around kids
that that are younger.

Speaker 4 (52:35):
And they've never been thankfully, they've never been through that.
I'm still praying.

Speaker 3 (52:39):
For a cure for all people, but there's there's so
much hope now and the medical advances for kids with
leukemia has come to wait so far that it takes
a long time. It's a long journey, but but you'll
get through it. You find strength in the people around you.

(52:59):
Don't be afraid to ask for help sometimes because you're
gonna need it, and there's gonna be days when you
just need somebody to give you a hug, and it's
so once you get through that, try to help others too.

Speaker 2 (53:11):
So that's yeah. Our daughter, all of is doing great.
She's twelve and she just had a birthday. He's doing
great health wise. She still stays real active and she
goes to the campus Bronza camp and we do alongside Hayley.

Speaker 3 (53:30):
They go to oh they Wipe Out Kid Cancer Ambassador asbassadors.

Speaker 2 (53:34):
Yeah, they do those events. I always get like my
heart gets very full of like a real healthy pride
when I see them, you know, doing those things, because
I know that bringing awareness to children's hospitals, doing what
Wipeout Kids Cancer is doing, bringing awareness and helping raise
funds and all that stuff. It's like super important, you know,

(53:56):
and having been having gone through it, you definitely have
a purpose and your life kind of like aligns to that,
you know, are My life since I was young was
always some twenty ver seven It says some trust in
their chariots, some trust in their horses. But I'll remember
the name of the Lord, my God. And when we

(54:19):
were going through it, especially towards the end of the treatment,
when we were about two, we were getting near to
the point we're going to ring our bell, I my
heart would get full of doubt, like that something was
going to be wrong, that something was going to happen.
And so what I started doing is I started like
audibly confessing it. And so I would walk out into

(54:42):
I would walk out to like the edge of the property,
and I would just pray out loud, and I would
be like I would pray and I would say, God,
I know that you see the fear in my heart.
I know that you see the doubt, Like, help me
with it, because I'm not going to pretend it's not there.
It's there. And this is after having been through the
ugly and having so many doctors and nurses say congratulations,

(55:06):
and you're on the right path, and you know, we
just need two more checkups and all those great things.
But it's still would linger, you know, and I would
have to walk around and encourage myself, you know. And
even today, I sometimes take moments and I kind of
like think back to those dark days that and I
encourage myself, you know, and I always I'll pray and

(55:29):
I'll be like, it is actually going to be okay,
you know, And I kind of like strengthen myself back
then now, if that makes any sense at all, But
I really do, and I think that there is it's
impossible to say that it's just one thing. It's all
the little things, the things that you know, wipe out kids.
Cancer is doing like today's July thirty first, twenty twenty four,

(55:53):
that hallway at children's hospitals full today. You know, someone
today is getting told somewhere that their child has cancer.

Speaker 4 (56:05):
You know, they're just starting their journey.

Speaker 2 (56:07):
Yeah, And and when you take all those things into account,
I guess the advice that I would give would be
don't let one little thing hold you back.

Speaker 3 (56:17):
You know.

Speaker 2 (56:17):
It says in the Bible that he works all things
for the good of those that you know trust in him.
And I would say, focus on all those things. Focus
on it all. You know you're gonna find those moments.

Speaker 3 (56:30):
Man.

Speaker 2 (56:30):
I don't ever remember feeling pity on myself like I
did on Thanksgiving Day that first year that we were diagnosed.
I remember sitting I went downstairs, I sat down in
the garden, you know. I it was a wonderful day,
like somebody from the church had sent like Thanksgiving Day food,
you know, and it was a good day, you know.

(56:54):
But I remember going down to the garden and thinking,
like Melissa and Oliver and I see you. I'm neither
here or there. My other two kids, my other three kids.
I apologize, I have no idea what they're doing for Thanksgiving.
And I remember just like breaking into tears because I
felt so so much pity, you know, self pity. And

(57:17):
I remember I got a text message from from Denise Howard,
which is Pastor Brad Howard's wife in Rockwall. Randomly, she
just text messaged me, and she her text did something
I'm kind of making this up. It said something like,
I know that you probably feel alone, and I know
that you know it might be scary, but you're not alone,

(57:41):
like we've been there. And then she like wrote a
little paragraph of some random Thanksgiving that they were in
the hospital for something, and she's like, we've been through it,
like we know what you're going through and some whatever
Bible verse and it said you know you're gonna be okay.
And I remember just cleaning the tears off my face
and going up stair. There's to celebrate Thanksgiving in the hospital.

Speaker 3 (58:01):
I spent a lot of holidays and Haley was had
a chemo on her birthday, and it was there was
tough days like that. But I think I was never
a big music person, but I just started listening to
worship music and it was like God would send little
songs to me. When she we had her second phone,
her Phonemera asp right that came back after she had

(58:23):
done her first round the first thirty days, and it
was supposed to be at zero percent, like supposed to
come back, and it came back at two percent. And
I was devastated, and I was just like ah, but
I wanted to be strong. I didn't want Haley to
ever see me cry because I wanted her when I
was around her. If I had to cry. I would
go in my closet and cry, and I always wanted

(58:44):
to be really positive to let her know, you know,
it's okay, we got this, we got this. And we
were driving home from the hospital and I had taken
her by myself for that appointment and my husband couldn't go,
and I'm driving home and she's in the back seat
and I was just like driving in tears were running
down my face and I'm going why, like because they
told us that they were going to try some more

(59:05):
aggressive chemo and if it didn't work, then they would
have to do a bone marrow transplant, that that the
chemo sometimes the cancer just doesn't respond. And I was like,
oh my goodness, like they've hit her with everything so
hard and she still has two percent in there, and
they were like it might not and you know, if

(59:25):
the chemo might not work, and there won't be any
other options after Bonemero transplant, and it was like, we
have one more chance and that's it. And it was
really scary. And Lauren Daegil's song trust In You came
on the radio and it was like, I will trust
in You, and I remember just like, oh it was
And there was one line that was particularly just like wow,

(59:47):
and it said that, so I thought, nobody can know
how I'm feeling, like I am so broken right now,
and I just I felt like I didn't have hope
at that moment. And it said, There's never been a
place that I'll go that you've not already stood. And
it was like, there have been people that have gone
before us, and Jesus has gone before us. And when

(01:00:08):
I heard that line, it was like, Okay, other people
have gotten through this, and God knows exactly where we're at,
and he just gave me a hope and a faith
to keep going.

Speaker 4 (01:00:18):
And it was like okay. So that became like my
mantra song. I played that.

Speaker 3 (01:00:22):
All the time just to be trust in you, like Okay,
it was I trust you God.

Speaker 4 (01:00:27):
I trust you.

Speaker 3 (01:00:28):
God, even though I don't feel it right now, I
trust you and I know that you have a purpose
and a plan for Haleyen for our lives.

Speaker 2 (01:00:34):
And yeah, okay, so well we'll end in agreement that
worship music is. Yeah, it really is.

Speaker 3 (01:00:41):
That helped me more than anything. With the prayers of
other people and to know the community. We had so
many people text and email. I started sharing her story
on Facebook because I just couldn't deal with like all
these text messages coming in and so I was like,
I'll just do a Facebook post. And I was always
scared to post on Facebook. I rarely ever posted, and.

Speaker 4 (01:00:59):
I really a posts now.

Speaker 3 (01:01:00):
But for some reason I felt like I need to
share her story and people started sharing it and it
was just crazy the growth of that, and people now
have come and said, oh, I followed your story. I
followed haley story and we were praying for you, and
to just thousands of people were praying for her. Just
to know this support community of people praying for my daughter,

(01:01:23):
people that didn't even know us, we're praying for Haley.
And we'd get letters in the mail of people we're
praying for you. That helped me so much, so.

Speaker 2 (01:01:31):
Much, I'd forgotten about those. Yeah, you can't imagine how
much joy comes. And getting a random card in the
mail's so crazy.

Speaker 3 (01:01:40):
You're not forgotten because you feel forgotten in the hospital.
I think I felt really forgotten at times, and like
everyone else is going about having birthday parties and going
to events and they're having this and that and going
to do fun things, and it's like, well, we can't
because our levels are so low, we can't be around
people right now.

Speaker 4 (01:01:58):
Risk of infection.

Speaker 3 (01:01:59):
And and then Haley actually finished and rang the bell during.

Speaker 4 (01:02:02):
COVID, so we were totally we couldn't even.

Speaker 2 (01:02:05):
We fought with it.

Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
We fought with the hospital because they were only going
to let one of us go. And I was like,
I'm going I've been through this whole journey with her,
i am going to be there when she rings the bell.
And my husband was like, no, I was at work
and I had to miss so much of it. I
am going to definitely be there to ring the bell.
And we had to go get the hospital to sign
for us to both be there for her to ring
the bell. And unfortunately nobody else could go, but my

(01:02:29):
husband and I did, like my son couldn't go. But
that was sad that we were the timing of darn COVID.
But the community was so sweet and they had a
drive by when we came home, they had like a
drive by parade and like you can't be around anybody still,
and so they like honk the horns and waved from
their cars and say, hey, Haley rang the bell. Well,

(01:02:52):
thank you so much for joining us on this episode
of Wipeout Kid Cancer podcast, and we hope to see
you next time. By five