Basic Blaque After Dark, hosted by Blaque Diamond, began a three-part mental health awareness series on September 5, 2025. Streaming on the DA CREW PODCAST network, the first episode, “Breaking the Silence: Understanding Mental Health,” featured Clinical Christian Therapist Dr. Carolyn Stephens.
Episode 1 highlights:
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (in the U.S.) for 24/7 support. For those outside the U.S., local resources should be consulted.
Dr. Carolyn Stephens is a multi-talented Christian therapist, community advocate, author, and speaker from Brooklyn, New York. With over 15 years of experience, she is dedicated to serving the mental health needs of the Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) community.
Professional background
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/da-crew-podcast--5763835/support.
Episode 1 highlights:
- Awareness: Discussions focused on recognizing signs and understanding mental health.
- Stigma and silence: The conversation addressed barriers that prevent people from seeking care.
- Faith and therapy: The episode explored how spiritual support can be integrated with clinical tools.
- Community care: The role of family, friends, and faith spaces in supporting mental health was covered.
- Podcast network: The series is streamed on the DA CREW PODCAST, which is available via various platforms including Facebook, YouTube, Twitch, and KICK.
- Upcoming episodes: The remaining parts of the series were planned to feature more in-depth discussions with Dr. Stephens, focusing on practical tools for managing stress and anxiety, healing pathways, and a live Q&A session.
- Live: Listeners can watch live on the DA CREW PODCAST channels.
- Replay: The replay of the first episode is available for those who missed the live broadcast.
- Notifications: Viewers are encouraged to turn on notifications to catch the next installments of the series.
- Support: The podcast can be supported via a Spreaker link provided in the show notes.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (in the U.S.) for 24/7 support. For those outside the U.S., local resources should be consulted.
Dr. Carolyn Stephens is a multi-talented Christian therapist, community advocate, author, and speaker from Brooklyn, New York. With over 15 years of experience, she is dedicated to serving the mental health needs of the Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) community.
Professional background
- Clinical and spiritual qualifications: Dr. Stephens holds a Master’s degree in Psychology and a Doctorate in Theology. This combination allows her to integrate faith and spiritual support with evidence-based clinical tools in her practice.
- Therapeutic roles: Her expertise spans multiple areas, including:
- Clinical Therapist
- Anger Management Specialist
- Children’s Behavior Therapist
- Licensed Pastoral Counselor
- Community advocacy: After starting her career in education, she shifted her focus to mental health after working with underserved populations and witnessing the social disparities affecting their well-being. She now serves as a community advocate.
- Empowering women: She is a women’s empowerment coach and offers individual and group therapy through her company, Empowered 4 Life. She is committed to creating a safe and non-judgmental environment to help women explore their struggles and build resilience.
- Author: Dr. Stephens is a bestselling author and the founder of the “I AM A BLACK WOMAN” book series.
- Media presence: She is the CEO of a television network and has hosted talk shows and appeared on podcasts, including the Basic Blaque After Dark mental health series.
- Holistic retreats: She leads holistic retreats that combine learning therapeutic life skills with activities like aromatherapy to promote well-being.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/da-crew-podcast--5763835/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Ladies and gentlemen, lay I have your attention.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Please.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
The show starts in ten line eight seven, six, five,
four three two one go.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Welcome back to Basic Black after that and part two
of our mental health series with doctor Carolyn Stevens. In
our last episode, we broke the silence around mental health
tonight and wait. We carry healing, trauma and resilience. We
explore the invisible burdens. We carry the generational trauma that
(02:22):
nambas in our lives, and a powerful role of resilience
plays in our healing. We are breaking it down, breaking
cycles and building two. Please welcome doctor Carolyn Stephens back
to Basic Black after that.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
Hey, yes, good evening, good evening, good evening. Now what
are you doing.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
I am doing well and as always, I am so
glad to be here, and I want to say hello
to everybody that's going to be joining in and those
that are.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
Going to be to do we play really real.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Well again, Thank you so much for being a part
of this series, because mental health is just so important,
and bringing a win is to it is very important.
Some people bypass it, but I'm not here. I'm basically
back after doctor, So I want to start with the
basics of understanding trauma. What is trauma and why do
(03:38):
different people respond to it in such different ways?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Okay, so, uh, good good question to ask to talk
about such an in depth and maybe Layman's terms, I
would use a heavy topic, but that's a good place
to start and a good time for us to be
(04:04):
talking about this as well. So I want to make
the answer kind of basic, not to it's been occur,
so that people can understand a basic understanding of what
is trauma or psychological psychological trauma. But trauma is basically
(04:25):
a severe emotional response to a stressful event that overwhelms
a person's ability to be able to process it emotionally.
So you know, at some point in life we all
experience a traumatic event, and then when it's defined as
(04:52):
psychological trauma, it means that that person having challenges responding
to that event to the point where it fractures their
ability to be able to process it emotionally. So that's
(05:14):
that's a basic definition of what is trauma.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
What came to mind, and there's something I hadn't even
prepared to say, but with your explanation, what came to
mind was, I don't know many people remember the show.
But the episode on Good Times when the father, James
had passed away and the children were grieving, but it
didn't appear that the mother was grieving. Yeah, they seemed
(05:39):
to be very concerned that they didn't feel as though
the mother was grieving because she didn't cry and she
was laughing with the guests. But she did have a
breaking point.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
It did.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
Get told me.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
She was in the kitchen, she did break that pick,
that plate, and that's when it came out and she
came together with the children.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
So people do.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Have different forms and ways of dealing with truth, especially
when we're talking about the death of another I get
what you're saying that it is response is very different
from many different ways. And so what are some overlooked
the unexpected forms of trauma People may not even recognize us.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Okay, So trauma is basically kind of broken down into
maybe it will say, three subtopics. Right, So you have
what's called direct exposure, So that's a form of trauma.
(06:41):
An example of direct exposure would be someone who has
been abused or sexually molested. That's what we call direct
exposure trauma. Then we have what's called an eyewitness, meaning
that the trauma or the experience didn't actually happen to you,
(07:07):
but you witnessed it, you were an eyewitness to it.
And that's why a lot of times in places of
employment or in schools where there's been a shooting or
something like that, they will call in a trauma team
(07:29):
to help people to be able to process what it
is that they have seen. Not that it necessarily happened
to them, but they understand that being an eyewitness to
a traumatic event, sometimes people don't respond or process that well.
(07:51):
And then the third category would be indirect. So an
example of that would be chilled and living in an
abusive household. You know, they may not have actually seen
dad hit mom, but maybe they've heard, you know, or
(08:13):
they're affected by those two adults, like the behaviors, or
they're affected by mom's behaviors, and so that's what we
call indirect trauma. And people, sometimes especially children, don't always respond,
don't always respond well to those levels of trauma. So
(08:37):
that's how trauma is basically broken broken down. There's not
really one that's worse than the other. It just it
just gives you an idea of the variant or variances
of the different kinds of trauma, and that's important to
know when you're the person or the practitioner at providing
(09:02):
traumatic informed care, because these are the kind of questions
or kinds of things that you would would need to know.
You know, where you were, you were in the house,
did you see something or did you hear something? Did
somebody tell you, which would be a form of indirect trauma.
(09:23):
So those are the different kinds of trauma, and people
respond to those in different ways. People respond to trauma
in different ways because it depends it depends on how
they how they grew up, you know, it depends on
how long they've been experiencing the level of trauma, whether
(09:48):
it was direct, indirect or you an eyewitness to it,
it depends on It depends on that, It depends on
your level of resistance. It depends on whether or not
you're dealing with multiple traumatic events. You know, you've heard
people say I just can't.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
I just can't take it.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
It looks like one thing is happening to me right
after the other, that kind of thing. So what they're
talking about is they're experiencing traumatic events back back to back,
and so in Layman's terms, what they're saying is that
I now am becoming extremely overwhelmed and I'm not having
(10:37):
enough time to mentally process one thing before something else happens,
and so that that's going to affect the way that
they deal with a traumatic event because maybe they're just
coming out of one and now you know, it's being
layered by another one, or you know, like let's say
(11:01):
in the case of abuse, where they're experiencing traumatic events regularly,
like it's every week dad beats mom, or now you
know mom beats dad. They have it both ways. But
that's some of the reasons why people deal with or
respond to trauma in different ways.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So in every form of trauma that you described, I
also feel as though it can be generational and culturally impacted.
How is trauma passed down through families and communities?
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Okay, so that's a that's a good question, and the
best example of passed down trauma, you know, because people
talk about generational wealth where wealth has passed down and
not necessarily wealth being passed down, but the knowledge of
(11:56):
wealth or how to obtain wealth is passed down from
generation to generation. Trauma works the same way. You can
have what's called generational trauma. So The best example that
I could use of that, which is what usually I
typically like to speak on, is its slavery and how
(12:22):
it affected the African diaspora over four hundred and fifty
years of trauma. That would be I would I would say,
probably one of the best examples from my cultural perspective
out of my cultural link being a Black woman. Now,
(12:42):
of course, if I were a Jewish woman, then I
would use the Holocaust as another example of you know,
traumatic events. The only difference, the only difference there. And
I bring this up so we could see how you
could look at one culture that seems to have oh
(13:05):
generally an overall spectrum, seems to have healed from their
trauma as comparison in comparison to another culture who still
still seems to be dealing with some of the symptoms. So,
you know, Holocaust was certainly a traumatic time for the
(13:31):
Jewish population, because I don't want to speak as if
though I'm minimizing it. However, there was support for them
when it came through that there was a support. There
was financial support, report, there was a mental support, emotional support,
community support, those kinds of things. Whereas when you compare
(13:53):
it to the Black experience right, that we experienced ongoing
trauma and we are still experiencing ongoing trauma. So to
your question, how does trauma get passed down? How do
we define generational trauma? Is because when there is no
(14:16):
process of healing for trauma, and that particular family does
not heal from the traumatic events that has happened in
their family, people don't talk about it. Families don't discuss it,
or communities don't discuss it or look for ways to heal.
(14:37):
Then that generation dies off and those behaviors having been
witnessed or either the younger generation under them is affected
by those behaviors due to trauma, then those behaviors get
passed down.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
You know, a clinical therapist a client that says, well,
that's the way we deal with that in my family.
What would you do or what would you say to
help this person process what may have happened in their family,
especially something that has continuously traumatized the family over and
over or something that is continual to impact the family
(15:18):
over and over again.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Okay, So if a person comes to a person like me,
the first thing is that if you're coming to a
therapist or a peer support person or trauma inform code.
If you're coming to a professional person, it is assumed
(15:44):
that you know that there is a problem, because that's
why you're coming to a person. So, yes, a person
may say, well, that's just the way it is in
my family, and that may be a very true statement,
that that is the way it is in your family.
But my question would be to that person, so tell
(16:08):
me why are you here? Why are you here? In
my office? We don't use we don't use the couch anymore.
So when you hear me say why are you here
my couch, I just speak. I'm speaking in a literal sense.
But so why are we here today? You know?
Speaker 4 (16:27):
And then.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
I'm going to give a person an opportunity to talk
about some of the things that they have identified. Okay,
So that's the first and foremost is that, yes, a
person may say, well, that's just the way it is
in my family. But obviously you have identified that there
is a problem, that there's no sense of normalcy in
(16:50):
your family. And you're also saying to me that you
possibly want to do something, you want to do something
about out. You want you want the buck to stop here.
You don't. You are the person that doesn't want the
trauma pass down to your children or to your grandchildren.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
So that could be or would you say that could
be a form of coping.
Speaker 3 (17:17):
For that individual, because coping versus healing is definitely two
totally different things. So what's the difference between simply coping
with trauma and truly healing from trauma? Because just say
that same individual say to you, well, I'm coping with it,
but they may not truly heal from it.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
And that is true and and and and that's indicative
of of of most people. Uh, you know where you're
surviving and not thriving. Okay, our ultimate goal as human
beings is or should be, is for us to be thriving,
(18:00):
for us to be living. So there may be that
same individual who identifies they may not know what to
call it or how to define it, but they have
an understanding within themselves. I am not thriving. I'm just surviving.
(18:21):
I'm going through the motions of life. And I have
identified that, and I've also identified that someone needs to
be done about it, and I need, I personally need
some kind of help. And that's why that's why a
person like me would see somebody because they you know,
(18:45):
they know that they need some kind of help. So
the difference between coping. So let me first say this,
all of us cope. Okay, all of us cope. We
all have developed coping mechanism, you know, for example, a
coping mechanism. I was speaking with a colleague about this today.
(19:07):
When a problem arisis Remember, trauma is depicted upon how
people respond to a stressful event. Right, So you may
be an individual that when stressful events happen, or traumatic
events happen, you may say, Okay, I'm gonna deal with it.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
We call that fright or flight in therapy, meaning you
don't you don't address it, you don't you don't try
to look for the details of it, you don't try
to heal from it. You just say I realized it happens.
I'm just gonna keep it moving, yo, as they used
to say. Right, that's exampful of coping. And the thing
(19:51):
about that is that when you continue to cope in
that way after a war bile, you become a very
stoic person. A stoic person can appear to be a
person that is unfeeling, that is not empathetic or sympathetic.
(20:15):
Some people may phrase it as a person who is cold. Times,
when people are labeled as being cold, it doesn't mean
that they're a cult individual. It means that maybe they
have had years and years of experiencing trauma and they
(20:37):
had to see what's gonna happen. Naturally with us as
human beings, We're gonna find a way to coke coping.
Everybody colts, we're gonna find a way to code. And
when you have been dealing with trauma after trauma after trauma, naturally,
the brain says, hey, don't deal with it, okay, And
(20:58):
the next thing that comes up that looks like it
may be traumatic, you just throw it out. You just
don't deal with it. But after a while, it's going
to start to pile up, right, And when it starts
to pile up, okay, then it may come out. It
can come out in the form of anger that you
(21:19):
become the angry person. It may it may come You know,
some of us in our families, we had that one
aunt who everybody says she was just mean, right, Well,
it's not necessarily she was a mean person, but we
don't know. Auntie may have dealt with or survived a
(21:39):
lot of different, you know, traumatic events, which is why
she learned how to put her guard up, and it
is now a coping coping mechanism. So sometimes when we
see certain behaviors, it's really how a person is coping. Okay,
it is how It's how a person coping. So that's
(22:02):
what coping is. Healing healing looks like it doesn't affect
my ability to interact with people, to socialize with people,
and I'm at a level of peace in my mind
and in my heart and in my soul when we
(22:23):
come to a place of healing. And I have to
tell you that that's a little harder for women because
we we handle trauma differently because we are naturally receivers
and so we receive a lot. We are emotional being,
(22:45):
so we receive a lot, and therefore we handle things
in a much you know, in a much different kind
of way. So that's basically to answer your question what
the difference is between coping and healing. But we all cope.
Everybody coats, just a matter of whether or not you
are using cope unhealthy coping mechanisms or you're using healthy
(23:10):
coping mechanism. But everybody cults.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
We all hope to piggyback off of what you said
about the women. It's I feel as though it's also
that women have a different support system than men, sometimes easier.
I don't want to use the word easier. I think
that sometimes we're more comfortable in reaching out and allowing
(23:34):
people to come in than some men. I won't say
all men, and I won't say all women, but I
find that to be some things that I've seen in
my history of Daleen in the field that I'm in now.
Just imagine that someone a friend recognized when their friend
(23:56):
is surviving instead of living. Would you suggest, what do
you think it's best that they do an intervention for
this friend? Beore they just just be a part of
a support system by just listening and really not doing anything.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I think it could be. I think it could be
either or, because when you talk about doing interventions, you
got to remember exactly what the word means is that
there's a group of people. I'm going to presume a
group of caring people who are a part of the
(24:40):
person's support system, and they now are gonna somewhat bum
rush the person, right I'm using Ladyman's terms here, or
they're going to intervene. I think that there can be
a good solution. You really have to weigh it out,
especially if it is a situation where that as a
(25:05):
result of trauma, the person is now self harming themself.
What I mean by self harming, they're self mutilating, which
is cutting. That's a lot of young people, especially young girls,
they're abusing something that they're they're involved in selbstance abuse
or alcohol. So areas where they're physically self harming, Intervention
(25:29):
can or may be a very good thing. Intervention doesn't
have to be a very clinical situation. It could be
that a friend of you just got divorced and she
has some friends that are really concerned about her behavior
after the divorce, and they get together and have some
tea and say, hey, you know, because what intervention is
(25:53):
supposed to say. An intervention does not say we're here
to make you get better or do something or behave
in a certain way. Intervention clearly says we love you,
we have identified changes in your behavior, we are concerned,
(26:16):
and we want to know how can we help. That's
what intervention is supposed to do.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
We have an individual who said that she has been
called cold hearted and now she does agree with what
you're saying, or maybe what I said, but it's more
than likely than what you said. But I know that individual,
and when I'm gonna tell you myself, I don't think
that you're cold hearted. I think that you're directing some
(26:41):
people can't handle it. So just continue to be yourself.
Don't worry about what other people are thinking. Maybe they
need to try to hold space for themselves before they
try to hold space for you.
Speaker 4 (26:55):
So just keep doing you. Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
You know, I've been accused of being harsh, you know,
and I think ninety five percent of the people who
know me and have interacted with me would definitely disagree
with me being personified as a harsh person. But I
(27:21):
also can understand how those individuals that would label me
as being harsh, I could see how they could get
they could come to that conclusion because it depending upon
the situation that it called for me to be stern
(27:42):
in that situation. And what happens is now I want
to give two sides to this. So what happens is
that for the individual that does not care for you
being sterned because they just do not want to accept
or hear the truth, well then and that you're gonna
be labeled as being harsh. I mean, that's just flat
(28:03):
out it's truth. You're gonna be labeled as being harsh. However,
I try to be objective in my approach because here's
the thing. Have I always been you know, Have I
always dealt with situations in my life as maturely as
(28:23):
I deal with them now? No, I have not, not
even with my own children. So through maturity we learn
how to handle people, how to manage people, how to
manage things, especially when you're a mom, a single mom.
You've got little kids and big kids, and you've got life,
(28:47):
you've got jobs. The truth of the matter is, you
just might catch me on the wrong day. It's okay
to not be okay, okay, But what healthy people do.
It's not that because you're an emotionally healthy person that
you will not have those times. But emotionally healthy people
(29:08):
are able to identify that, hey, today I am not
in a good space. Perhaps I spoke spoke prematurely that
kind of thing, and they will go back and say, listen,
I know when I said this to you, I may
have said that a bit prematurely. I did mean what
I said, but I didn't want to say in the
(29:30):
manner that I've said it, and they're going to do
it that way because they're doing that for them, they're
doing it for you for yourself. So of course there's
kind of two sizes of things. Of course, when I
was younger, coming straight from Brooklyn, New York, I was
not I was not as genteel as a person that
(29:52):
I am, because your environment has a lot to do
with the way that you respond to things. I don't.
I hope there's no New Yorkers here on the call,
but I will say your demographic area where you were
raised up, if you're from New York. We have a
tendency to be quick and to the point and not
(30:14):
to hold out of detail, and that can be that
can appear to be abrasive to some people. When I
moved here to the South, I found that people moved
a little slower, they talked a little slower, they were
a little bit more calm, and honestly, when I first
moved to the South, I was like, what's up with
these people? You know what I'm saying because we used
(30:36):
to say, you know, just speaking directly. So I think
communication is very important. I've had conversations with friends for
friends of mine who are suthing bred and I had
to explain to them from what culture I came from,
and they explained to me what culture they came from.
So communication is always going to be the key before
(30:59):
we assumed. Because here's the thing that I found with women,
especially with is that you flat out don't know my
story before you label me. You don't know my story,
and you don't know where I've been and how I've
been and why I've been, And so it's quick to
label people when you don't know their story. As a diaspora,
(31:21):
that happens to us on a large scale because we
get accused of things and we have certain behaviors and
we're labeled. But you don't know my story, or you
don't understand my story, or in these or in most cases,
you don't care about my story. There is a reason
why black folks act the way that they act. We're
(31:42):
not trying to make excuses for people's behavior. That's not
what I'm saying here tonight. I am saying, though, that
people just do not wake up one morning and decide, hey,
I'm gonna be on drugs. It's gonna be a great
day to be on drugs. Hey I'm gonna just be
an alcoholic. This is a great day to be an alcoholic.
You know, people don't wake up in the morning and
decide to do those things. There is a story behind
(32:06):
why they manage their pain in the way that they
have chosen to manage their pain. And I will say
this and then I'll pull them out. And some people
handle or manage their pain. It has a lot to
do with how society, how community, and how family manages
(32:28):
that person as to why that individual sometimes continues to
stay in pain. Same thing has happened to us as
a diaspora. The oppressor who oppressed us now is wondering
why are we acting the way that we do? Really,
so it's something for us to just want to throw
that in there, something for us to think about it.
Speaker 3 (32:49):
And I want to piggyback off of two things that
you said. I'm also from New York and I've gotten
that same thing from several people, and yes we are.
And I'm not saying anybody else from any other state
is slow or anything else, but I'm gonna speak for me.
Speaker 4 (33:06):
I'm quick with it no matter what it is.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
And when we quit with it, and I'm going to
get it over it and move it on because I
don't have time to sit there and explain or train
you to anything, so I just let that go. I
also agree with that it's okay to not be okay,
but it's not okay to stay that way, and that
that's what I normally tell people. But we have some
people who chimed in. Terreeda says that she agrees with
(33:29):
both of us, thank you, Trevida, and she's also says
that they would usually say it after she put a
boundary in place that she refused to move and from
the Crew podcast, they're saying some people just can't deal
with truth, especially when it comes with corrections. They go
on further to state that, let me go down a
(33:52):
little bit further wow, that some people get comfortable and
mess and become content with where they are, and the
truth sometimes takes them out their comfort zone. And if
you are bold and direct, some people can can and
will take it the wrong way. She truly agrees with
the communication is key one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (34:13):
And that.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
She says, come on, doctor c you speaking some straight facts.
Javita says, there's a trick that leads to that decision
and and and I I agree wholeheartedly with with you all,
especially with what doctor Carolyn is saying about individuals. We
(34:36):
carry the weight of so many different things and so
many different things from our ancestors. How can we begin
to identify pain or emotional baggage that's no longer hours
to carry?
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Okay, So that's no longer hours to carry. Wow, that's
a and that's a heavy question because a lot of
times we are carrying baggage that doesn't have our name
on it. But the first thing we have to do,
and always you're always going to hear me say this
(35:12):
as a clinician, identify an issue is the most important part.
Sometimes it takes it takes months for me to help
a client to be able to identify the issue. So
the first thing we have to do is that we
have to identify and we have to be related to
(35:35):
your question. We have to identify my stuff your stuff.
You know what was mine and what was you it
was yours? Okay. Once we kind of identify that and
then put and then put them in the buckets that
they belong and this is my stuff, this is your stuff,
(35:57):
then we have to start to ask ourselves some real
hard questions. Do I need to be only your stuff,
So I help people out with that. The answer is known,
because that's why it's called your stuff and my stuff
a period. Right, Okay, Now, if if I love you
(36:20):
and i'm and I'm connected with you, I'm gonna put
sample use a mother and children, a husband and wife,
or a person in a partner, what have you. Then
I'm gonna be affected by your stuff. I'm gonna be
affected by your stuff. And because I'm affected by your stuff,
(36:41):
your baggage, there's a certain amount of that that every
now and then I might, I might carry it, but
we have to be real careful about, I would say,
about the way that we carry it. So I'm gonna
shift here just a little bit. Because I am a
spiritual person. I'm not a religious person, but I am
a spiritual person. I believe that the best way to
(37:07):
deal with somebody else's baggage, once we identify my stuff,
your stuff, they stuff, right, is, first of all, the
prayer is the way that I'm going to manage somebody
else's baggage, because that don't belong to me, and I can't.
I can't carry somebody else's baggage, but I know somebody
(37:30):
who can, and his name will be called Jesus Christ.
He can carry all the load. We are not Jesus Christ,
all right, And we don't carry other people's law. Sometimes
we just carry other people's stuff because we don't want
to deal with our own stuff. And so it's easier
for me to carry your stuff and manage your stuff
(37:52):
and deal with your stuff because it takes me out
of the rim of having to deal with my own
problems and my own baggage in my own situation. And
so it's nothing wrong with saying to yourself and even
sending out the memo. They're saying, I have enough of
my own to handle, and I do not have the
(38:17):
bandwidth to manage your baggage and my baggage. So here's
what I'm going to say to you, and whatever that
something may have to be.
Speaker 3 (38:29):
There seems to be a lot of resilience with individuals
who carry on a lot of the weight of others.
Speaker 4 (38:39):
And for that individuals.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
Carrying the weight, sometimes it appears that there's very little
hope that they continue to push forward. How do you
see resilience not as perfection, but as the power that
grows from our scars?
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Well, and again, y'all y'all hear me say that a lot,
and I'm glad that I'm on a platform where i
am free to say that. So first to answer, you
address your question culturally, and this is a this is
a fact. Is this isn't from doctor Carroll's head or
because of what I wanted to be of my opinion. Uh,
(39:17):
the Africans and the talk about Africans. We talk about
black people, right, we are by far the most resilient
of culture. That our other cultures will say the same thing.
We are the most resilient. Okay, women ask a subculture
(39:40):
in the African diaspora. We are very resilient creatures because
we've had to be, because we've had to be. I
feel like I want to shift here and say this
is black if I if I could somebody viewing audience,
(40:03):
you may.
Speaker 4 (40:03):
Be a person that the family.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
Has always accused you of everything whatever they could think
of to accuse you of. And but you have always
had to be the most resilient person in your family, right,
You've had to be the one that carries a lot
(40:29):
of the load of the of the family. And you know,
for that reason, you may just get accused of a
lot of things that they may not have anything to
do with you know, with that, but because you have
been identified as the nucleus of the family, the person
(40:53):
who is the strength or strong in the family. And
so I would say to you, if you are that person,
it's okay for you to give yourself a break, It's
okay for you to set boundaries, and it's definitely okay
for you to begin to find a support system that
(41:15):
may not be part of your family, because, honestly, sometimes
family may be the problem. So you may have to
go outside of family in order to get the support
that you need. Which is how we are we can
continue being resilient is through doing the self care or
do what I call the soul work. It's through having
(41:39):
a good support system that helps you to maintain, that
helps you to stay strong, that helps you to thrive,
not just survive. That support system that tells you, hey girl,
go give yourself a break, Go get your nails done
or your hair done, whatever that looks like. That support
system that does not require that you always have to
(42:02):
be strong. I tell people that I love you don't
have to be anything. When it comes to me. All
you have to do is wake up in the morning,
and just be. And that is really what love is
supposed to look like. We're not supposed to be impending
and putting a lot of expectations on people, because we
never know if you keep putting expectations on a person
(42:25):
and keep putting them on, and keep putting them on,
and keep putting them on, and keep putting them on
until one day the whole bowl breaks. Right, you got
too much impounding on it. So what did you do?
You don't allow yourself to.
Speaker 4 (42:40):
Get here and here and here and here and here.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
At some point you need to holler and tell somebody, hey,
I got to stop here. So I think you mentioned
that there was somebody who said they set boundaries. Yes,
you need to set boundaries when you feel yourself you're.
Speaker 4 (42:58):
Getting on over, you need to.
Speaker 3 (43:02):
She also states that she completely agrees with that, and
that she did the inventory of what things that she
was carrying that wasn't hers, and the weight that was
hers she lifted that it was lifted off for her.
She gave it to God for him to help to
help them handle it. So yeah, I I can't say
(43:26):
it any better way than she she said it, and
in any better way than you have spoken it. Give
yourself permission. To give yourself permission, is what I would
say to anyone who's who's trying. Are the everyday practices
that can help us build emotional resilience.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Absolutely to build emotional resistance, give yourself time, give yourself,
give yourself me time. So for me, me time looks
like when I wake up in the morning, I have
a morning visual which consists of drinking a bottle of water.
That's very important. Drink a bottle of water, pray, meditate,
(44:14):
and either do some kind of affirmations or inspiration. When
I'm spending that time in the morning, I'm not going
to answer the phone. I'm not gonna connect with anybody.
I'm not gonna speak with anybody because it's my time.
And the reason why I say that's very important because
it used to be a time that as soon as
I hit my brain, it looked like as soon as
(44:34):
I wake up, people just knew to call me, you know,
like the what does that tell it? It's something I
forget what they call that, but I don't allow it. Yeah,
that's what I mean. So I don't allow that. What
I do is if I give myself permission to give
me time, that's the first thing I would say, give
(44:55):
yourself time. I also have a me day. Hey, I
give myself what's called me Monday. I have to credit
that to a very wise older woman who told me that.
Speaker 4 (45:10):
I needed to do that.
Speaker 2 (45:12):
So I have a day that I designate for myself.
Sometimes I follow it, sometimes I don't. It's to day
that I to do whatever does I want to do? Okay,
So give yourself time, give yourself permission to love yourself.
And I know that that may sound a little strange
because most people would say, oh, oh, I love myself. Well,
(45:33):
then I'll leave you with this question and I'll leave
it blank. If you love yourself, why are you? And
I'll leave it right there. If you love yourself, why
are you? You? See? So that's why I say, give
yourself permission to love yourself. Give yourself permission to have space.
(45:53):
And somebody does not always have to be in your space.
And whatever that looks like, whatever that looks like. I
am finding now that my life is very busy, and
so it's requiring that I utilize tools now in order
to manage my time. That may be in the formum
(46:13):
an insistent that may be an inform of a business
number and a personal number, and the people that love
me are not going to get mad. Oh, well, she
thinks she's somebody because now she has an assistant answering
the phone on. Now she has a well, yes, ma'am,
I do. And the real truth of this, yes, I
(46:34):
always thought I was somebody. For the people that would say, well,
you're full of yourself, my response is yes, I am very,
very very full to the brim of myself because I
love myself. So kind of practice doing things like that
and loving yourself and strengthening yourself on a daily basis,
(46:54):
whether that's doing affirmations, through doing breath work, through meditation,
deep breathing, all of those things fortify you as a person.
But you must give yourself the time in the day
to work on you, to work on yourself, and that
is okay. And if you have to tell people, listen, girl,
(47:17):
don't call me until after ten o'clock, it's okay to
do that because that way they understand from the time
I wake up until nine fifty five, that's my time,
and I don't want to share it with anybody. I
want to give me that time. And I would tell
you for my own personal life I think that that
would be a very valuable step in building and building resilience.
Speaker 3 (47:38):
Yes, so those are some of those practical tools, which
will also include journal in, taking de breaks, the affirmations
that you had mentioned. So that's some places that people
can start. I also want to say lessens to you too, Simon,
thank you so much for chiming in. So the support
systems when individuals are navigating trauma or life's as these,
(48:00):
support is essential. How vital is a strong support system
in the healing process.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
The healing process can't be done without a support system.
It cannot even be done without a support system. You
have to have. So, when I'm dealing with a person
who is going through a crisis, we have identified that
there is an emergency situation that has happened or a
(48:28):
traumatic event that has happened that has impaired the person's
ability to be able to function or process on a
regular basis based on our definition of trauma. Okay, then
one of them. So here's the thing for those of
us who we have that person. We're not talking about
(48:49):
ourselves here, but we have that person who is now
experiencing a crisis. The worst thing that we can do
is saye for exactamp or say, oh my god, Trevida,
how did you get yourself in that mess? Well, girl,
what happened? Well why did you? That is the worst
(49:09):
thing that we can do because that we now put
that person on overload. What we want to do in
a crisis situation is get them out of crisis mode.
Speaker 4 (49:19):
That's what we want to do.
Speaker 2 (49:21):
So to your question, some of the things we want
to ask, Okay, who do you have that's willing to
support you during this time? Because now we want to
help them set up a support system. There's lots of
people that I have that will say I don't have nobody.
That's part of the problem. I don't have nobody. So
(49:42):
I take them through a series of questions to really
identify that you don't have nobody. Okay, but if you
really say you don't have nobody, then we want to
find you somebody. And the thing about setting up a
support system, everybody on team doesn't have to do the same.
(50:03):
It depends on the person. It depends on the ability
of that person on the support team, what resources are
available to them. So it could be the person said
that may not have time, but they can give money.
It may be the person that has time but they
don't have no money, so they can call that person.
They can go buy and check up on that person.
(50:23):
It may be the person who likes to cook and says,
I can go buy and bring them a meal. It
may be the person who's good at finding resources and
they can say I can find some clothes, I can
find Everybody has their part that they can play, but
sometimes we have to help a person build a team.
And then let me tell you the most important question
and on this, when you find yourself in a crisis,
(50:47):
don't do it alone because you can't heal alone. It
is okay. It is okay to tell some people who
you trust. Now it has to be people you trust. Hey,
it's me. Listen, I have a challenge that I'm going
(51:08):
through and how much of that information you can to
develop it's totally up to you. And I would like
to know would you be my support person through this?
And yes or no?
Speaker 3 (51:21):
When you answer that type of help, it's not a
form of weakness. I want you to know that it's
one of the strengths that you may not have known
that you had or along. You know, asking for help
is not a cowardy thing. To do. You know, it's
the beginning of your journey when you start to ask
others for help and you'll see that they're there for you.
(51:45):
Sometimes some people don't know what to say or how
to say it because their feeling as though that they
will offend. But just simply ask them for the help.
Tell them, look, I'm not in a good space right
now and I may need your support.
Speaker 4 (52:00):
And it does.
Speaker 3 (52:00):
It sounds a lot easier coming probably from someone else,
but you try it, and you can practice it every
day by asking different people that you support that's in
your your support family, you'll start to build on that
and you'll be surprised that the people that you thought
was not part of your support system, they're there and
(52:23):
they want to help. So what role do faith, culture
and chosen family? And I use chosen family loosely because
some people say you can't choose your family. You can't
answer you and choose your family. What role do they
play in support in the health journey?
Speaker 2 (52:39):
Well, all those, all those different factors play a very
important role in healing some of the questions and I
and I ask all those questions when I'm on my
journey with the person I like to refer to therapy
as a journey. So when you hear me, say on
the journey, and I will ask them, you know, of
(53:04):
what is your level of faith? Where are you spiritually?
I'm not asking them what religion they are, but of
course they may tell me, but where are you spiritually?
Because what we wanted to determine is that what role
does faith have in your life? So from that, if
(53:27):
you are part of a faith based community, a church,
a synagogue, a mosque, right, then the suggestion would be
perhaps someone in the faith based community that you ascribe
to could be part of your support system. And that's
(53:47):
going to be very important. I know it is for me.
You know, lots of times if I need support, especially
because I give out emotionally, so sometimes I need emotional support,
I may turn to the faith based community as I
know it and say, hey, I just need for you
(54:07):
all to pray for me.
Speaker 4 (54:08):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (54:08):
That kind of thing. Culturally, yes, of course, within your community,
whether that's gonna be a community center, whether that's a
social worker that you that you have grown found of
or in a relationship with it that she knows or
he knows you you know them, or whatever that may
look like. Socially for you. The community could play a
(54:29):
great part in your healing by simply offering resources. You know,
it could be that. So all those people that you mentioned, h,
I would say, they're all needed. Uh, because if we
talk about holistic wellness, uh, then we must embark upon
(54:51):
integrated health, meaning that we need a team of people.
It takes a team to be able to help a
person an our crisis. So yeah, team work.
Speaker 4 (55:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (55:04):
D D says God bless you with the tribe for
a reason. Love it, DEDI, thank you so much for
chiming in, and Travida comes back to say, God connects us,
connects us those who bring us closer to Him and
the purpose that aligns with our destiny. You guys are
so one point, and you're definitely paying attention tonight and
(55:26):
you're definitely dropping so many nuggets for other listeners and viewers,
some who may not feel as though that they can
come forward or feel as though that's not me. You're
not talking about me, But look within yourself, it might
just be you. You might find somebody in there that
may just surprise you, somebody that you haven't seen or
heard from a long time. They're there, They just They're
(55:49):
just there, They're just waiting for you. Okay, So I
just want to thank everyone everyone. Tonight we unpack the
weight we carry and what it means to begin to
work of letting go is Doctor Stevens reminded us our
scars may tell the story of what we've been through,
but they also prove that we survive, and survival is
the strength we carry. As you move through this week,
(56:12):
I ask yourself this, what emotional weight are you still
carrying that no longer serves you? The weight that you're
carrying at someone else, the weight that you're carrying that
no longer serves you.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
I don't want you to.
Speaker 3 (56:26):
Miss part three of our mental health series with doctor
Carolyn Stevens on October twenty first, where we move from
surviving to thriving and we define what true strength looks like.
But first join me on Thursday, October to seventeenth at
eight pm as we welcome author and dynamic poet Keisha
john Say McRae for a conversation you won't want to miss.
(56:49):
As always, thanks for keeping it basic.
Speaker 4 (57:06):
No
Ladies and gentlemen, lay I have your attention.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Please.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
The show starts in ten line eight seven, six, five,
four three two one go.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Welcome back to Basic Black after that and part two
of our mental health series with doctor Carolyn Stevens. In
our last episode, we broke the silence around mental health
tonight and wait. We carry healing, trauma and resilience. We
explore the invisible burdens. We carry the generational trauma that
(02:22):
nambas in our lives, and a powerful role of resilience
plays in our healing. We are breaking it down, breaking
cycles and building two. Please welcome doctor Carolyn Stephens back
to Basic Black after that.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
Hey, yes, good evening, good evening, good evening. Now what
are you doing.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
I am doing well and as always, I am so
glad to be here, and I want to say hello
to everybody that's going to be joining in and those
that are.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
Going to be to do we play really real.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Well again, Thank you so much for being a part
of this series, because mental health is just so important,
and bringing a win is to it is very important.
Some people bypass it, but I'm not here. I'm basically
back after doctor, So I want to start with the
basics of understanding trauma. What is trauma and why do
(03:38):
different people respond to it in such different ways?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Okay, so, uh, good good question to ask to talk
about such an in depth and maybe Layman's terms, I
would use a heavy topic, but that's a good place
to start and a good time for us to be
(04:04):
talking about this as well. So I want to make
the answer kind of basic, not to it's been occur,
so that people can understand a basic understanding of what
is trauma or psychological psychological trauma. But trauma is basically
(04:25):
a severe emotional response to a stressful event that overwhelms
a person's ability to be able to process it emotionally.
So you know, at some point in life we all
experience a traumatic event, and then when it's defined as
(04:52):
psychological trauma, it means that that person having challenges responding
to that event to the point where it fractures their
ability to be able to process it emotionally. So that's
(05:14):
that's a basic definition of what is trauma.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
What came to mind, and there's something I hadn't even
prepared to say, but with your explanation, what came to
mind was, I don't know many people remember the show.
But the episode on Good Times when the father, James
had passed away and the children were grieving, but it
didn't appear that the mother was grieving. Yeah, they seemed
(05:39):
to be very concerned that they didn't feel as though
the mother was grieving because she didn't cry and she
was laughing with the guests. But she did have a
breaking point.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
It did.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
Get told me.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
She was in the kitchen, she did break that pick,
that plate, and that's when it came out and she
came together with the children.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
So people do.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Have different forms and ways of dealing with truth, especially
when we're talking about the death of another I get
what you're saying that it is response is very different
from many different ways. And so what are some overlooked
the unexpected forms of trauma People may not even recognize us.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Okay, So trauma is basically kind of broken down into
maybe it will say, three subtopics. Right, So you have
what's called direct exposure, So that's a form of trauma.
(06:41):
An example of direct exposure would be someone who has
been abused or sexually molested. That's what we call direct
exposure trauma. Then we have what's called an eyewitness, meaning
that the trauma or the experience didn't actually happen to you,
(07:07):
but you witnessed it, you were an eyewitness to it.
And that's why a lot of times in places of
employment or in schools where there's been a shooting or
something like that, they will call in a trauma team
(07:29):
to help people to be able to process what it
is that they have seen. Not that it necessarily happened
to them, but they understand that being an eyewitness to
a traumatic event, sometimes people don't respond or process that well.
(07:51):
And then the third category would be indirect. So an
example of that would be chilled and living in an
abusive household. You know, they may not have actually seen
dad hit mom, but maybe they've heard, you know, or
(08:13):
they're affected by those two adults, like the behaviors, or
they're affected by mom's behaviors, and so that's what we
call indirect trauma. And people, sometimes especially children, don't always respond,
don't always respond well to those levels of trauma. So
(08:37):
that's how trauma is basically broken broken down. There's not
really one that's worse than the other. It just it
just gives you an idea of the variant or variances
of the different kinds of trauma, and that's important to
know when you're the person or the practitioner at providing
(09:02):
traumatic informed care, because these are the kind of questions
or kinds of things that you would would need to know.
You know, where you were, you were in the house,
did you see something or did you hear something? Did
somebody tell you, which would be a form of indirect trauma.
(09:23):
So those are the different kinds of trauma, and people
respond to those in different ways. People respond to trauma
in different ways because it depends it depends on how
they how they grew up, you know, it depends on
how long they've been experiencing the level of trauma, whether
(09:48):
it was direct, indirect or you an eyewitness to it,
it depends on It depends on that, It depends on
your level of resistance. It depends on whether or not
you're dealing with multiple traumatic events. You know, you've heard
people say I just can't.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
I just can't take it.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
It looks like one thing is happening to me right
after the other, that kind of thing. So what they're
talking about is they're experiencing traumatic events back back to back,
and so in Layman's terms, what they're saying is that
I now am becoming extremely overwhelmed and I'm not having
(10:37):
enough time to mentally process one thing before something else happens,
and so that that's going to affect the way that
they deal with a traumatic event because maybe they're just
coming out of one and now you know, it's being
layered by another one, or you know, like let's say
(11:01):
in the case of abuse, where they're experiencing traumatic events regularly,
like it's every week dad beats mom, or now you
know mom beats dad. They have it both ways. But
that's some of the reasons why people deal with or
respond to trauma in different ways.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
So in every form of trauma that you described, I
also feel as though it can be generational and culturally impacted.
How is trauma passed down through families and communities?
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Okay, so that's a that's a good question, and the
best example of passed down trauma, you know, because people
talk about generational wealth where wealth has passed down and
not necessarily wealth being passed down, but the knowledge of
(11:56):
wealth or how to obtain wealth is passed down from
generation to generation. Trauma works the same way. You can
have what's called generational trauma. So The best example that
I could use of that, which is what usually I
typically like to speak on, is its slavery and how
(12:22):
it affected the African diaspora over four hundred and fifty
years of trauma. That would be I would I would say,
probably one of the best examples from my cultural perspective
out of my cultural link being a Black woman. Now,
(12:42):
of course, if I were a Jewish woman, then I
would use the Holocaust as another example of you know,
traumatic events. The only difference, the only difference there. And
I bring this up so we could see how you
could look at one culture that seems to have oh
(13:05):
generally an overall spectrum, seems to have healed from their
trauma as comparison in comparison to another culture who still
still seems to be dealing with some of the symptoms. So,
you know, Holocaust was certainly a traumatic time for the
(13:31):
Jewish population, because I don't want to speak as if
though I'm minimizing it. However, there was support for them
when it came through that there was a support. There
was financial support, report, there was a mental support, emotional support,
community support, those kinds of things. Whereas when you compare
(13:53):
it to the Black experience right, that we experienced ongoing
trauma and we are still experiencing ongoing trauma. So to
your question, how does trauma get passed down? How do
we define generational trauma? Is because when there is no
(14:16):
process of healing for trauma, and that particular family does
not heal from the traumatic events that has happened in
their family, people don't talk about it. Families don't discuss it,
or communities don't discuss it or look for ways to heal.
(14:37):
Then that generation dies off and those behaviors having been
witnessed or either the younger generation under them is affected
by those behaviors due to trauma, then those behaviors get
passed down.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
You know, a clinical therapist a client that says, well,
that's the way we deal with that in my family.
What would you do or what would you say to
help this person process what may have happened in their family,
especially something that has continuously traumatized the family over and
over or something that is continual to impact the family
(15:18):
over and over again.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Okay, So if a person comes to a person like me,
the first thing is that if you're coming to a
therapist or a peer support person or trauma inform code.
If you're coming to a professional person, it is assumed
(15:44):
that you know that there is a problem, because that's
why you're coming to a person. So, yes, a person
may say, well, that's just the way it is in
my family, and that may be a very true statement,
that that is the way it is in your family.
But my question would be to that person, so tell
(16:08):
me why are you here? Why are you here? In
my office? We don't use we don't use the couch anymore.
So when you hear me say why are you here
my couch, I just speak. I'm speaking in a literal sense.
But so why are we here today? You know?
Speaker 4 (16:27):
And then.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
I'm going to give a person an opportunity to talk
about some of the things that they have identified. Okay,
So that's the first and foremost is that, yes, a
person may say, well, that's just the way it is
in my family. But obviously you have identified that there
is a problem, that there's no sense of normalcy in
(16:50):
your family. And you're also saying to me that you
possibly want to do something, you want to do something
about out. You want you want the buck to stop here.
You don't. You are the person that doesn't want the
trauma pass down to your children or to your grandchildren.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
So that could be or would you say that could
be a form of coping.
Speaker 3 (17:17):
For that individual, because coping versus healing is definitely two
totally different things. So what's the difference between simply coping
with trauma and truly healing from trauma? Because just say
that same individual say to you, well, I'm coping with it,
but they may not truly heal from it.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
And that is true and and and and that's indicative
of of of most people. Uh, you know where you're
surviving and not thriving. Okay, our ultimate goal as human
beings is or should be, is for us to be thriving,
(18:00):
for us to be living. So there may be that
same individual who identifies they may not know what to
call it or how to define it, but they have
an understanding within themselves. I am not thriving. I'm just surviving.
(18:21):
I'm going through the motions of life. And I have
identified that, and I've also identified that someone needs to
be done about it, and I need, I personally need
some kind of help. And that's why that's why a
person like me would see somebody because they you know,
(18:45):
they know that they need some kind of help. So
the difference between coping. So let me first say this,
all of us cope. Okay, all of us cope. We
all have developed coping mechanism, you know, for example, a
coping mechanism. I was speaking with a colleague about this today.
(19:07):
When a problem arisis Remember, trauma is depicted upon how
people respond to a stressful event. Right, So you may
be an individual that when stressful events happen, or traumatic
events happen, you may say, Okay, I'm gonna deal with it.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
We call that fright or flight in therapy, meaning you
don't you don't address it, you don't you don't try
to look for the details of it, you don't try
to heal from it. You just say I realized it happens.
I'm just gonna keep it moving, yo, as they used
to say. Right, that's exampful of coping. And the thing
(19:51):
about that is that when you continue to cope in
that way after a war bile, you become a very
stoic person. A stoic person can appear to be a
person that is unfeeling, that is not empathetic or sympathetic.
(20:15):
Some people may phrase it as a person who is cold. Times,
when people are labeled as being cold, it doesn't mean
that they're a cult individual. It means that maybe they
have had years and years of experiencing trauma and they
(20:37):
had to see what's gonna happen. Naturally with us as
human beings, We're gonna find a way to coke coping.
Everybody colts, we're gonna find a way to code. And
when you have been dealing with trauma after trauma after trauma, naturally,
the brain says, hey, don't deal with it, okay, And
(20:58):
the next thing that comes up that looks like it
may be traumatic, you just throw it out. You just
don't deal with it. But after a while, it's going
to start to pile up, right, And when it starts
to pile up, okay, then it may come out. It
can come out in the form of anger that you
(21:19):
become the angry person. It may it may come You know,
some of us in our families, we had that one
aunt who everybody says she was just mean, right, Well,
it's not necessarily she was a mean person, but we
don't know. Auntie may have dealt with or survived a
(21:39):
lot of different, you know, traumatic events, which is why
she learned how to put her guard up, and it
is now a coping coping mechanism. So sometimes when we
see certain behaviors, it's really how a person is coping. Okay,
it is how It's how a person coping. So that's
(22:02):
what coping is. Healing healing looks like it doesn't affect
my ability to interact with people, to socialize with people,
and I'm at a level of peace in my mind
and in my heart and in my soul when we
(22:23):
come to a place of healing. And I have to
tell you that that's a little harder for women because
we we handle trauma differently because we are naturally receivers
and so we receive a lot. We are emotional being,
(22:45):
so we receive a lot, and therefore we handle things
in a much you know, in a much different kind
of way. So that's basically to answer your question what
the difference is between coping and healing. But we all cope.
Everybody coats, just a matter of whether or not you
are using cope unhealthy coping mechanisms or you're using healthy
(23:10):
coping mechanism. But everybody cults.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
We all hope to piggyback off of what you said
about the women. It's I feel as though it's also
that women have a different support system than men, sometimes easier.
I don't want to use the word easier. I think
that sometimes we're more comfortable in reaching out and allowing
(23:34):
people to come in than some men. I won't say
all men, and I won't say all women, but I
find that to be some things that I've seen in
my history of Daleen in the field that I'm in now.
Just imagine that someone a friend recognized when their friend
(23:56):
is surviving instead of living. Would you suggest, what do
you think it's best that they do an intervention for
this friend? Beore they just just be a part of
a support system by just listening and really not doing anything.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I think it could be. I think it could be
either or, because when you talk about doing interventions, you
got to remember exactly what the word means is that
there's a group of people. I'm going to presume a
group of caring people who are a part of the
(24:40):
person's support system, and they now are gonna somewhat bum
rush the person, right I'm using Ladyman's terms here, or
they're going to intervene. I think that there can be
a good solution. You really have to weigh it out,
especially if it is a situation where that as a
(25:05):
result of trauma, the person is now self harming themself.
What I mean by self harming, they're self mutilating, which
is cutting. That's a lot of young people, especially young girls,
they're abusing something that they're they're involved in selbstance abuse
or alcohol. So areas where they're physically self harming, Intervention
(25:29):
can or may be a very good thing. Intervention doesn't
have to be a very clinical situation. It could be
that a friend of you just got divorced and she
has some friends that are really concerned about her behavior
after the divorce, and they get together and have some
tea and say, hey, you know, because what intervention is
(25:53):
supposed to say. An intervention does not say we're here
to make you get better or do something or behave
in a certain way. Intervention clearly says we love you,
we have identified changes in your behavior, we are concerned,
(26:16):
and we want to know how can we help. That's
what intervention is supposed to do.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
We have an individual who said that she has been
called cold hearted and now she does agree with what
you're saying, or maybe what I said, but it's more
than likely than what you said. But I know that individual,
and when I'm gonna tell you myself, I don't think
that you're cold hearted. I think that you're directing some
(26:41):
people can't handle it. So just continue to be yourself.
Don't worry about what other people are thinking. Maybe they
need to try to hold space for themselves before they
try to hold space for you.
Speaker 4 (26:55):
So just keep doing you. Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
You know, I've been accused of being harsh, you know,
and I think ninety five percent of the people who
know me and have interacted with me would definitely disagree
with me being personified as a harsh person. But I
(27:21):
also can understand how those individuals that would label me
as being harsh, I could see how they could get
they could come to that conclusion because it depending upon
the situation that it called for me to be stern
(27:42):
in that situation. And what happens is now I want
to give two sides to this. So what happens is
that for the individual that does not care for you
being sterned because they just do not want to accept
or hear the truth, well then and that you're gonna
be labeled as being harsh. I mean, that's just flat
(28:03):
out it's truth. You're gonna be labeled as being harsh. However,
I try to be objective in my approach because here's
the thing. Have I always been you know, Have I
always dealt with situations in my life as maturely as
(28:23):
I deal with them now? No, I have not, not
even with my own children. So through maturity we learn
how to handle people, how to manage people, how to
manage things, especially when you're a mom, a single mom.
You've got little kids and big kids, and you've got life,
(28:47):
you've got jobs. The truth of the matter is, you
just might catch me on the wrong day. It's okay
to not be okay, okay, But what healthy people do.
It's not that because you're an emotionally healthy person that
you will not have those times. But emotionally healthy people
(29:08):
are able to identify that, hey, today I am not
in a good space. Perhaps I spoke spoke prematurely that
kind of thing, and they will go back and say, listen,
I know when I said this to you, I may
have said that a bit prematurely. I did mean what
I said, but I didn't want to say in the
(29:30):
manner that I've said it, and they're going to do
it that way because they're doing that for them, they're
doing it for you for yourself. So of course there's
kind of two sizes of things. Of course, when I
was younger, coming straight from Brooklyn, New York, I was
not I was not as genteel as a person that
(29:52):
I am, because your environment has a lot to do
with the way that you respond to things. I don't.
I hope there's no New Yorkers here on the call,
but I will say your demographic area where you were
raised up, if you're from New York. We have a
tendency to be quick and to the point and not
(30:14):
to hold out of detail, and that can be that
can appear to be abrasive to some people. When I
moved here to the South, I found that people moved
a little slower, they talked a little slower, they were
a little bit more calm, and honestly, when I first
moved to the South, I was like, what's up with
these people? You know what I'm saying because we used
(30:36):
to say, you know, just speaking directly. So I think
communication is very important. I've had conversations with friends for
friends of mine who are suthing bred and I had
to explain to them from what culture I came from,
and they explained to me what culture they came from.
So communication is always going to be the key before
(30:59):
we assumed. Because here's the thing that I found with women,
especially with is that you flat out don't know my
story before you label me. You don't know my story,
and you don't know where I've been and how I've
been and why I've been, And so it's quick to
label people when you don't know their story. As a diaspora,
(31:21):
that happens to us on a large scale because we
get accused of things and we have certain behaviors and
we're labeled. But you don't know my story, or you
don't understand my story, or in these or in most cases,
you don't care about my story. There is a reason
why black folks act the way that they act. We're
(31:42):
not trying to make excuses for people's behavior. That's not
what I'm saying here tonight. I am saying, though, that
people just do not wake up one morning and decide, hey,
I'm gonna be on drugs. It's gonna be a great
day to be on drugs. Hey I'm gonna just be
an alcoholic. This is a great day to be an alcoholic.
You know, people don't wake up in the morning and
decide to do those things. There is a story behind
(32:06):
why they manage their pain in the way that they
have chosen to manage their pain. And I will say
this and then I'll pull them out. And some people
handle or manage their pain. It has a lot to
do with how society, how community, and how family manages
(32:28):
that person as to why that individual sometimes continues to
stay in pain. Same thing has happened to us as
a diaspora. The oppressor who oppressed us now is wondering
why are we acting the way that we do? Really,
so it's something for us to just want to throw
that in there, something for us to think about it.
Speaker 3 (32:49):
And I want to piggyback off of two things that
you said. I'm also from New York and I've gotten
that same thing from several people, and yes we are.
And I'm not saying anybody else from any other state
is slow or anything else, but I'm gonna speak for me.
Speaker 4 (33:06):
I'm quick with it no matter what it is.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
And when we quit with it, and I'm going to
get it over it and move it on because I
don't have time to sit there and explain or train
you to anything, so I just let that go. I
also agree with that it's okay to not be okay,
but it's not okay to stay that way, and that
that's what I normally tell people. But we have some
people who chimed in. Terreeda says that she agrees with
(33:29):
both of us, thank you, Trevida, and she's also says
that they would usually say it after she put a
boundary in place that she refused to move and from
the Crew podcast, they're saying some people just can't deal
with truth, especially when it comes with corrections. They go
on further to state that, let me go down a
(33:52):
little bit further wow, that some people get comfortable and
mess and become content with where they are, and the
truth sometimes takes them out their comfort zone. And if
you are bold and direct, some people can can and
will take it the wrong way. She truly agrees with
the communication is key one hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (34:13):
And that.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
She says, come on, doctor c you speaking some straight facts.
Javita says, there's a trick that leads to that decision
and and and I I agree wholeheartedly with with you all,
especially with what doctor Carolyn is saying about individuals. We
(34:36):
carry the weight of so many different things and so
many different things from our ancestors. How can we begin
to identify pain or emotional baggage that's no longer hours
to carry?
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Okay, So that's no longer hours to carry. Wow, that's
a and that's a heavy question because a lot of
times we are carrying baggage that doesn't have our name
on it. But the first thing we have to do,
and always you're always going to hear me say this
(35:12):
as a clinician, identify an issue is the most important part.
Sometimes it takes it takes months for me to help
a client to be able to identify the issue. So
the first thing we have to do is that we
have to identify and we have to be related to
(35:35):
your question. We have to identify my stuff your stuff.
You know what was mine and what was you it
was yours? Okay. Once we kind of identify that and
then put and then put them in the buckets that
they belong and this is my stuff, this is your stuff,
(35:57):
then we have to start to ask ourselves some real
hard questions. Do I need to be only your stuff,
So I help people out with that. The answer is known,
because that's why it's called your stuff and my stuff
a period. Right, Okay, Now, if if I love you
(36:20):
and i'm and I'm connected with you, I'm gonna put
sample use a mother and children, a husband and wife,
or a person in a partner, what have you. Then
I'm gonna be affected by your stuff. I'm gonna be
affected by your stuff. And because I'm affected by your stuff,
(36:41):
your baggage, there's a certain amount of that that every
now and then I might, I might carry it, but
we have to be real careful about, I would say,
about the way that we carry it. So I'm gonna
shift here just a little bit. Because I am a
spiritual person. I'm not a religious person, but I am
a spiritual person. I believe that the best way to
(37:07):
deal with somebody else's baggage, once we identify my stuff,
your stuff, they stuff, right, is, first of all, the
prayer is the way that I'm going to manage somebody
else's baggage, because that don't belong to me, and I can't.
I can't carry somebody else's baggage, but I know somebody
(37:30):
who can, and his name will be called Jesus Christ.
He can carry all the load. We are not Jesus Christ,
all right, And we don't carry other people's law. Sometimes
we just carry other people's stuff because we don't want
to deal with our own stuff. And so it's easier
for me to carry your stuff and manage your stuff
(37:52):
and deal with your stuff because it takes me out
of the rim of having to deal with my own
problems and my own baggage in my own situation. And
so it's nothing wrong with saying to yourself and even
sending out the memo. They're saying, I have enough of
my own to handle, and I do not have the
(38:17):
bandwidth to manage your baggage and my baggage. So here's
what I'm going to say to you, and whatever that
something may have to be.
Speaker 3 (38:29):
There seems to be a lot of resilience with individuals
who carry on a lot of the weight of others.
Speaker 4 (38:39):
And for that individuals.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
Carrying the weight, sometimes it appears that there's very little
hope that they continue to push forward. How do you
see resilience not as perfection, but as the power that
grows from our scars?
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Well, and again, y'all y'all hear me say that a lot,
and I'm glad that I'm on a platform where i
am free to say that. So first to answer, you
address your question culturally, and this is a this is
a fact. Is this isn't from doctor Carroll's head or
because of what I wanted to be of my opinion. Uh,
(39:17):
the Africans and the talk about Africans. We talk about
black people, right, we are by far the most resilient
of culture. That our other cultures will say the same thing.
We are the most resilient. Okay, women ask a subculture
(39:40):
in the African diaspora. We are very resilient creatures because
we've had to be, because we've had to be. I
feel like I want to shift here and say this
is black if I if I could somebody viewing audience,
(40:03):
you may.
Speaker 4 (40:03):
Be a person that the family.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
Has always accused you of everything whatever they could think
of to accuse you of. And but you have always
had to be the most resilient person in your family, right,
You've had to be the one that carries a lot
(40:29):
of the load of the of the family. And you know,
for that reason, you may just get accused of a
lot of things that they may not have anything to
do with you know, with that, but because you have
been identified as the nucleus of the family, the person
(40:53):
who is the strength or strong in the family. And
so I would say to you, if you are that person,
it's okay for you to give yourself a break, It's
okay for you to set boundaries, and it's definitely okay
for you to begin to find a support system that
(41:15):
may not be part of your family, because, honestly, sometimes
family may be the problem. So you may have to
go outside of family in order to get the support
that you need. Which is how we are we can
continue being resilient is through doing the self care or
do what I call the soul work. It's through having
(41:39):
a good support system that helps you to maintain, that
helps you to stay strong, that helps you to thrive,
not just survive. That support system that tells you, hey girl,
go give yourself a break, Go get your nails done
or your hair done, whatever that looks like. That support
system that does not require that you always have to
(42:02):
be strong. I tell people that I love you don't
have to be anything. When it comes to me. All
you have to do is wake up in the morning,
and just be. And that is really what love is
supposed to look like. We're not supposed to be impending
and putting a lot of expectations on people, because we
never know if you keep putting expectations on a person
(42:25):
and keep putting them on, and keep putting them on,
and keep putting them on, and keep putting them on
until one day the whole bowl breaks. Right, you got
too much impounding on it. So what did you do?
You don't allow yourself to.
Speaker 4 (42:40):
Get here and here and here and here and here.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
At some point you need to holler and tell somebody, hey,
I got to stop here. So I think you mentioned
that there was somebody who said they set boundaries. Yes,
you need to set boundaries when you feel yourself you're.
Speaker 4 (42:58):
Getting on over, you need to.
Speaker 3 (43:02):
She also states that she completely agrees with that, and
that she did the inventory of what things that she
was carrying that wasn't hers, and the weight that was
hers she lifted that it was lifted off for her.
She gave it to God for him to help to
help them handle it. So yeah, I I can't say
(43:26):
it any better way than she she said it, and
in any better way than you have spoken it. Give
yourself permission. To give yourself permission, is what I would
say to anyone who's who's trying. Are the everyday practices
that can help us build emotional resilience.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Absolutely to build emotional resistance, give yourself time, give yourself,
give yourself me time. So for me, me time looks
like when I wake up in the morning, I have
a morning visual which consists of drinking a bottle of water.
That's very important. Drink a bottle of water, pray, meditate,
(44:14):
and either do some kind of affirmations or inspiration. When
I'm spending that time in the morning, I'm not going
to answer the phone. I'm not gonna connect with anybody.
I'm not gonna speak with anybody because it's my time.
And the reason why I say that's very important because
it used to be a time that as soon as
I hit my brain, it looked like as soon as
(44:34):
I wake up, people just knew to call me, you know,
like the what does that tell it? It's something I
forget what they call that, but I don't allow it. Yeah,
that's what I mean. So I don't allow that. What
I do is if I give myself permission to give
me time, that's the first thing I would say, give
(44:55):
yourself time. I also have a me day. Hey, I
give myself what's called me Monday. I have to credit
that to a very wise older woman who told me that.
Speaker 4 (45:10):
I needed to do that.
Speaker 2 (45:12):
So I have a day that I designate for myself.
Sometimes I follow it, sometimes I don't. It's to day
that I to do whatever does I want to do? Okay,
So give yourself time, give yourself permission to love yourself.
And I know that that may sound a little strange
because most people would say, oh, oh, I love myself. Well,
(45:33):
then I'll leave you with this question and I'll leave
it blank. If you love yourself, why are you? And
I'll leave it right there. If you love yourself, why
are you? You? See? So that's why I say, give
yourself permission to love yourself. Give yourself permission to have space.
(45:53):
And somebody does not always have to be in your space.
And whatever that looks like, whatever that looks like. I
am finding now that my life is very busy, and
so it's requiring that I utilize tools now in order
to manage my time. That may be in the formum
(46:13):
an insistent that may be an inform of a business
number and a personal number, and the people that love
me are not going to get mad. Oh, well, she
thinks she's somebody because now she has an assistant answering
the phone on. Now she has a well, yes, ma'am,
I do. And the real truth of this, yes, I
(46:34):
always thought I was somebody. For the people that would say, well,
you're full of yourself, my response is yes, I am very,
very very full to the brim of myself because I
love myself. So kind of practice doing things like that
and loving yourself and strengthening yourself on a daily basis,
(46:54):
whether that's doing affirmations, through doing breath work, through meditation,
deep breathing, all of those things fortify you as a person.
But you must give yourself the time in the day
to work on you, to work on yourself, and that
is okay. And if you have to tell people, listen, girl,
(47:17):
don't call me until after ten o'clock, it's okay to
do that because that way they understand from the time
I wake up until nine fifty five, that's my time,
and I don't want to share it with anybody. I
want to give me that time. And I would tell
you for my own personal life I think that that
would be a very valuable step in building and building resilience.
Speaker 3 (47:38):
Yes, so those are some of those practical tools, which
will also include journal in, taking de breaks, the affirmations
that you had mentioned. So that's some places that people
can start. I also want to say lessens to you too, Simon,
thank you so much for chiming in. So the support
systems when individuals are navigating trauma or life's as these,
(48:00):
support is essential. How vital is a strong support system
in the healing process.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
The healing process can't be done without a support system.
It cannot even be done without a support system. You
have to have. So, when I'm dealing with a person
who is going through a crisis, we have identified that
there is an emergency situation that has happened or a
(48:28):
traumatic event that has happened that has impaired the person's
ability to be able to function or process on a
regular basis based on our definition of trauma. Okay, then
one of them. So here's the thing for those of
us who we have that person. We're not talking about
(48:49):
ourselves here, but we have that person who is now
experiencing a crisis. The worst thing that we can do
is saye for exactamp or say, oh my god, Trevida,
how did you get yourself in that mess? Well, girl,
what happened? Well why did you? That is the worst
(49:09):
thing that we can do because that we now put
that person on overload. What we want to do in
a crisis situation is get them out of crisis mode.
Speaker 4 (49:19):
That's what we want to do.
Speaker 2 (49:21):
So to your question, some of the things we want
to ask, Okay, who do you have that's willing to
support you during this time? Because now we want to
help them set up a support system. There's lots of
people that I have that will say I don't have nobody.
That's part of the problem. I don't have nobody. So
(49:42):
I take them through a series of questions to really
identify that you don't have nobody. Okay, but if you
really say you don't have nobody, then we want to
find you somebody. And the thing about setting up a
support system, everybody on team doesn't have to do the same.
(50:03):
It depends on the person. It depends on the ability
of that person on the support team, what resources are
available to them. So it could be the person said
that may not have time, but they can give money.
It may be the person that has time but they
don't have no money, so they can call that person.
They can go buy and check up on that person.
(50:23):
It may be the person who likes to cook and says,
I can go buy and bring them a meal. It
may be the person who's good at finding resources and
they can say I can find some clothes, I can
find Everybody has their part that they can play, but
sometimes we have to help a person build a team.
And then let me tell you the most important question
and on this, when you find yourself in a crisis,
(50:47):
don't do it alone because you can't heal alone. It
is okay. It is okay to tell some people who
you trust. Now it has to be people you trust. Hey,
it's me. Listen, I have a challenge that I'm going
(51:08):
through and how much of that information you can to
develop it's totally up to you. And I would like
to know would you be my support person through this?
And yes or no?
Speaker 3 (51:21):
When you answer that type of help, it's not a
form of weakness. I want you to know that it's
one of the strengths that you may not have known
that you had or along. You know, asking for help
is not a cowardy thing. To do. You know, it's
the beginning of your journey when you start to ask
others for help and you'll see that they're there for you.
(51:45):
Sometimes some people don't know what to say or how
to say it because their feeling as though that they
will offend. But just simply ask them for the help.
Tell them, look, I'm not in a good space right
now and I may need your support.
Speaker 4 (52:00):
And it does.
Speaker 3 (52:00):
It sounds a lot easier coming probably from someone else,
but you try it, and you can practice it every
day by asking different people that you support that's in
your your support family, you'll start to build on that
and you'll be surprised that the people that you thought
was not part of your support system, they're there and
(52:23):
they want to help. So what role do faith, culture
and chosen family? And I use chosen family loosely because
some people say you can't choose your family. You can't
answer you and choose your family. What role do they
play in support in the health journey?
Speaker 2 (52:39):
Well, all those, all those different factors play a very
important role in healing some of the questions and I
and I ask all those questions when I'm on my
journey with the person I like to refer to therapy
as a journey. So when you hear me, say on
the journey, and I will ask them, you know, of
(53:04):
what is your level of faith? Where are you spiritually?
I'm not asking them what religion they are, but of
course they may tell me, but where are you spiritually?
Because what we wanted to determine is that what role
does faith have in your life? So from that, if
(53:27):
you are part of a faith based community, a church,
a synagogue, a mosque, right, then the suggestion would be
perhaps someone in the faith based community that you ascribe
to could be part of your support system. And that's
(53:47):
going to be very important. I know it is for me.
You know, lots of times if I need support, especially
because I give out emotionally, so sometimes I need emotional support,
I may turn to the faith based community as I
know it and say, hey, I just need for you
(54:07):
all to pray for me.
Speaker 4 (54:08):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (54:08):
That kind of thing. Culturally, yes, of course, within your community,
whether that's gonna be a community center, whether that's a
social worker that you that you have grown found of
or in a relationship with it that she knows or
he knows you you know them, or whatever that may
look like. Socially for you. The community could play a
(54:29):
great part in your healing by simply offering resources. You know,
it could be that. So all those people that you mentioned, h,
I would say, they're all needed. Uh, because if we
talk about holistic wellness, uh, then we must embark upon
(54:51):
integrated health, meaning that we need a team of people.
It takes a team to be able to help a
person an our crisis. So yeah, team work.
Speaker 4 (55:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (55:04):
D D says God bless you with the tribe for
a reason. Love it, DEDI, thank you so much for
chiming in, and Travida comes back to say, God connects us,
connects us those who bring us closer to Him and
the purpose that aligns with our destiny. You guys are
so one point, and you're definitely paying attention tonight and
(55:26):
you're definitely dropping so many nuggets for other listeners and viewers,
some who may not feel as though that they can
come forward or feel as though that's not me. You're
not talking about me, But look within yourself, it might
just be you. You might find somebody in there that
may just surprise you, somebody that you haven't seen or
heard from a long time. They're there, They just They're
(55:49):
just there, They're just waiting for you. Okay, So I
just want to thank everyone everyone. Tonight we unpack the
weight we carry and what it means to begin to
work of letting go is Doctor Stevens reminded us our
scars may tell the story of what we've been through,
but they also prove that we survive, and survival is
the strength we carry. As you move through this week,
(56:12):
I ask yourself this, what emotional weight are you still
carrying that no longer serves you? The weight that you're
carrying at someone else, the weight that you're carrying that
no longer serves you.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
I don't want you to.
Speaker 3 (56:26):
Miss part three of our mental health series with doctor
Carolyn Stevens on October twenty first, where we move from
surviving to thriving and we define what true strength looks like.
But first join me on Thursday, October to seventeenth at
eight pm as we welcome author and dynamic poet Keisha
john Say McRae for a conversation you won't want to miss.
(56:49):
As always, thanks for keeping it basic.
Speaker 4 (57:06):
No
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