October 24, 2025 • 43 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Do do do please, gentlemen, they I have your attention. Peace.
(01:08):
The show starts in eight seven six hi three fwo
my goo.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Good evening, and welcome to Believe in the Journey podcast,
where I'm your host, Trevita Harris. You guys, I'm gonna
go ahead and give you this disclaimer. I have a
horrible cough tonight, so just bear with me. I am okay.
You might hear me barking just a little bit, but
I'm okay. But tonight I did have a guest Beca
(01:55):
You unfortunately reschedule. They had a New York they came up,
and so tonight we're just gonna be talking about free
and the unexpected tricks that come along with free and
how it changes the version of yourself if you want
to know. And so before we do anything, you definitely
(02:20):
have to go to God in prayer. So we'll do
that and then we'll get smarter than this full conversation.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me in front
of your children tonight. These are the words of mouth
mouth all upon the ears that needs to hear. Brief
is something that we all are going through right now,
and especially with the holiday seasons that are, it makes
(02:43):
them a little harder for us to, you know, be
in the spirits all the time that it's almost walking
with you, and we know that our loved ones are
with you and they are no longer in pain and
something in any ways while the earth. So please continue
to walk with us as we are on the three
even journey. It's never ending journey. It just every day
(03:06):
from moment to moment, and we learned from just thing
doesn't get easier, We just learned to cope with it
as you help us with this journey. So in your
first's and holy name, Jesus, we pray Amen. The thing
that I wanted to talk about with grief is that
grief has a funny way showing up in our lives unexpectedly,
(03:32):
in moments where our day could have been going very,
very well, where we didn't have any anything to be
sad about, anything to be upset about, anything to be
frustrated about. And you could be sitting watching a funny
TV show and someone in the TV show a word
(03:55):
a phone to bring up the memory of a past
on loved one, and when that memory comes up, it
brings us sometimes to tears. It brings us some time
to laughter. It brings us to so many emotions, and
(04:15):
the one thing that we must learn to do is
to learn to embrace the feelings as they come. I
have been one to say that I was never one
to show big emotions or cry or do anything of
that nature, because honestly, I didn't feel like I had
time to deal with my emotions raising three small children,
(04:40):
going through you know, this life, divorce, things of that nature.
It was just one of those things that I never
felt like I had time to really endure the feeling
of sadness or anything like that, because I have so
many things to think about. Grief is a thing that
(05:03):
has many different layers, and it's not just the death
of a loved one that we tend to grieve. It's
the number one topic when it comes to thinking about
grief is when death comes. But death isn't the only
thing that requires grief. And one thing that I have
(05:26):
come to understand about myself is as far as my
grieving is concerned, is when I have my stroke in
two thousand and nine, and just a couple months ago,
I realized that I never grieve for the old version
(05:46):
of myself. And since I never grieved that I didn't
understand that that was part of what I needed to do,
because the new version that emerged from that was from
the old version before my stroke to the new version
of who I've become and who I am continuously becoming
(06:08):
has been a true challenge for myself because before my stroke,
I was very very on.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Go.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I'll say it like that simply because anytime anybody will
say something to me that I did not like, you
were getting an ear full right then and there, and
it did not matter if I hurt your feelings, for
the simple fact of if you felt bold enough to
say something that was disrespectful or hurt to me, then
I gave it right back to you. Now, the version
(06:44):
of me after my stroke, I started looking at people
for maybe they were having a bad day, maybe they
just got some bad news and they didn't know how
to deal with this, so they lashed out on other people.
So I started learning to have more compassion and to
(07:06):
not look at people in a negative viewpoint just because
of the energy that they were given to me. So
the person before the stroke was just a ready set
go at any given moment where you were being disrespectful
of talking to me, crazy. Whatever, you got what you did,
(07:29):
and it was instant, and I didn't realize that until
after I had my stroke that I learned how to
take a step back from that. But as I've gotten
in this part of my journey with brief of learning
(07:49):
the old version of myself free stroke, this virgin post stroke,
that has been a true estament of strength. It's been
a true testament of faith. It's been growth in so many,
so many different ways. Hey ladies, how y'all doing. I
(08:11):
did not know the strength that I had in myself
with dealing with the health issues that I was dealing with.
So I've learned to allow myself the space to grief
and allow myself to feel the emotions as they come,
(08:35):
especially since my mom passed away in twenty three and
so since her passing, I've learned to allow myself to
feel the emotions as they come and not run away
from them because it's easy to run. But one thing
about grief is that it doesn't care about your timeline.
(08:55):
It doesn't care about your feelings, it doesn't care what's
on your schedule, it doesn't care anything about that. If
it wants to creep up on you where you feel
like there is nothing but release that is necessary. You're
going to release those tears, You're gonna release those screens,
You're gonna release all of that, because that is part
(09:16):
of the grieving process. And a lot of people try
to keep themselves busy. They want to keep you know,
busy all the time, not just the physical body, but
the mind as well. So if you're constantly on the go,
you don't have time to deal with the emotions. But
grief doesn't care anything about that. It will wait for
you to have a moment of stillness, and in that
(09:39):
moment of stillness is where grief real come in and
be like, hey, how you doing. I'm here. You may
not have had time for me, but I have time
for you. And a trigger for me has been when
I'm outside with my granddaughter because my mother their love
(10:00):
to be outside, and so when I'm watching her and
she's just enjoying being outside and not wanting to come in,
it brings up memories of my mom and how she
liked to be outside. And sometimes I have to fight
back to tears because I don't want to upset my
(10:21):
grandbaby for crime, and I can't really explain to her
why I'm crying, because if I'm crying, of course she's
gonna assume that I'm sad or I'm hurting for some reason,
and in many cases i am. But sometimes it's not
tears of sadness. It's just tears of you know, the
(10:44):
memories that we were able to create. And so give
yourself permission to feel the emotions that you feel. If
it's a song that comes on the radio and it
brings you happiness, or brings you to a time and
a place with that person that made you laugh, that
(11:05):
made you smile, that made you cry, or whatever, give
in to that emotion. Don't run away from it. Take
a moment to acknowledge what it is that you're feeling,
because you need to acknowledge the feeling that you're feeling
so that you'll know how to process it. Most of
(11:25):
the time, we don't know how to process those feelings
because they're new and they're different to us. And when
they're new and different to us, we tend to, you know,
try to push it away because we don't understand what
we're feeling. But give yourself permission to feel whatever that
emotion is when it comes. When it comes to dealing
with grief. Some of us have grieved relationships. And then
(11:49):
this is another thing. We don't always grieve the death
of someone. Somebody is still living and you no longer
have contact with that person, but they're still living, they're
still walking around, and you grieve the loss of that
person in the sense of the friendship ended, the relationship
(12:10):
with them ended, the one on one conversations, the little
moments where you may have just had lunch or whatever.
You grieve those moments as well. And they're still living,
they're still walking around. You grieve the idea of that
person that you once knew, and sometimes that's hard to
(12:31):
do because of the high regard that you may have
had for this particular person. But when you know that
that person meant you no good, it's hard to let
them go. And being in a relationship, being married, letting
that relationship go. I've been in that space and having
(12:52):
to come to terms with the ending of that and
having to grieve that, and when I will put anticipated
in the book. My bestie wrote her collaboration project, A
Wife's What was it? Lord Jesus, I can't even think
(13:14):
after the vows A Wife's Story? Writing that helped me
to release some of the feelings that I had in
grieving that relationship because I had been with him since
I was sixteen years old and we have three children,
when we share three children together, and grieving the person
(13:40):
that he was and the person that I had fallen
in love with, honestly no longer existed anymore, and having
to walk away from something that I thought we would
have forever wasn't. It wasn't forever, And so grieving that relationship.
(14:04):
It took some time to get to that space, only
because when we first split, we had some issues and
I didn't want to be in the same space with
him because if he opened his mouth, it was going
to piss me off. And so I had to get
(14:27):
to a space to where I had to forgive him,
not for him, but for me. And when I started
to do that, I began to have peace. And we
can now be in the same room. We can now
be in the same space, We can now have a conversation,
because in the beginning, he was my friend and we
(14:49):
could laugh and joke, talk and talk about anything. And
so when our marriage ended, it was like our friendship
ended as well. But as I got older, as I
got a little bit more mature now. It didn't happen overnight.
(15:09):
I will say it's so for years. However, when it
got to be the point where I could actually hold
a conversation with him and not just want to custom out,
it was a moment where I knew I had forgiven
(15:33):
him and it was easy to say that I loved
him for who he was, and I loved him for
the children he and I created together, and I loved
him for the husband that he was in the beginning,
(15:55):
and it was it's a closed chapter. Did you say
that's true. I had a grieving moment myself too. Yeah,
it's it's it's one of those things where grief is
gonna it's gonna come. It's a revolving board, it's a
(16:16):
revolving experience. It's one of those things that, yes, you
get to acceptance, and that's usually what they say the
final stage. However, I don't see that there is a
final stage of grieving. It also is when we grieve,
we remember that there was love there and that's what
(16:38):
we are missing. And like it's as Regina King said,
she said, you find out that grief is basically where
love has no place to go because that person is
no longer here to be on the earthly side of
(17:00):
receiving that love. And so it's grief with no it's
love with no place to go when it comes to grief,
and I've had to make some some space for grieving.
(17:22):
It's it's an adjustment. It's a moment by moment thing.
And people will say that time heals all wounds, but
the passing of someone that you truly love, like a mom,
a sister, a child, your dad, a spouse, those are true,
(17:43):
true things that that void is never feel the same.
No one could ever make it feel like it once did.
And you're right, it doesn't heal. Time does not heal
all wounds. And there are good and bad days when
it comes to grief. Loving my mom for the final
(18:10):
six months of her life, and this is something that
has been on my mind heavy about her final six
months that I had the time with her. My mom
never got an opportunity to feel unconditional love, I believe,
until her final six months because as a little girl
(18:34):
growing up, she was often made to feel unwanted and
if someone said that they wanted her or put the
illusion that they wanted her, it always came at a
cost and it was pain that was associated with it.
So everything that came with it when someone would tell
(18:59):
her that that they loved her, are that they cared
about her, just using those words. It came at a cost,
and it was painful. And so me now that she's
not here, I dwell on the fact of being able
to give her a love that didn't cost her anything,
(19:23):
that she was able to receive it. Now, I will say,
in the beginning of that journey, she was not willing
to allow me to love on her because it was
because my mom was not big on hugs or kisses
or anything of that nature. That just has never been
our relationship. Now she would cuss me out, of course,
(19:47):
but there would always be a joke in there somewhere,
and so that was our relationship. But to finally be
able to love on my mom, to kiss on her,
to hug on her, and her receive it in a
way to not push me away, it was a beautiful
experience and I'm grateful that I got the opportunity to
(20:09):
do that with her, But it was it was hard
knowing that she always felt like she had to do
something to receive the love that she was always worthy of,
and she didn't. She didn't have to do that. And
(20:33):
before she left, we had a conversation and I let
her know that I know that she had been walking around,
you know, feeling guilty for not being the mother that
she knew she was capable of being to myself and
my siblings. But we understood the battles that she had
(20:57):
to face and that all was forgiven and she could
go in peace because we were not holding any ill
will towards her because some of the things that she
went through were beyond her control. And so walking through
that was was healing for the both of us in
(21:22):
a way because she was able to actually release. Yeah,
it was definitely healing for both of us. And when
you're able to have that moment, because not all of
us get that moment to have that conversation with someone
who means the world to us. Sometimes we think that
(21:47):
we still have time, like we have time, but we're
all on borrow time. We're all on we're on temporary
on this side, you know. So love on the ones
that love you and let them know just how much
(22:11):
you value them in whatever capacity and whatever space that
you have them in your life, because tomorrow's not promised
to any of us. The next moment isn't promise to
any of us. We make plans every day for tomorrow,
not understanding that that may not be on God's call
(22:33):
list in the morning. We may not be on his
wake up list. You know, tonight could possibly be, you know,
the final moment for us. But I have made peace
(22:53):
with knowing that my mom got to receive love from me,
all the love and all the hugs and kisses. Now,
do I still wish that I could love on her,
hear her laugh, hear her you know, be silly? Yes,
(23:14):
of course. I attended an awards show this past weekend
and I received an award, and in that moment, I
wish my mom was there for that moment only because
she was there at the beginning of this journey with
my podcast, and so she's not here now. But I
(23:36):
know that she was there with me in spirit because
I could just feel her in the space and in
the atmosphere. And I'm trying not to cry, y'all. But
(24:03):
her passing has changed the version of myself in the sense.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Of, like, right now, I give myself permission to feel
the emotions as they come. It's not always easy, and.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
One thing that I have learned since she's passed is
that if you don't bring me peace, or you're still
in a space to where you love to deal with
drama and foolishness or whatever, I have to stop that
(25:04):
draining energy away. I have to keep it away from
me simply because that's not the space that I'm in.
And so I just it has changed me in the
sense of I only want people around me who are
(25:24):
pouring just as much into me as I am into them.
I do not have time for one sided relationships anymore
in any capacity. And it used to be that I
would give chance after chance after chance, because that's who
(25:46):
my mom was. Regardless she saw the good and people,
no matter how bad they treated her, she still saw
the good in them. And I could not, for the
life of me, figure that out. That's one thing I
didn't get from her, because when I've reached my limit,
I've reached my limit. And even so now that is
(26:11):
one thing that has changed me since she passed, is
that I do not have the energy to forgive like
that anymore, to allow you to keep draining the life
out of me, because the life that I have, I
want to live it to the fullest, and I want
(26:32):
to give God the glory for what He does for
me in my life. And grief changes the way that
you view relationships and the way that you view people,
the way that you view time. And if you don't
value the time that God has given you, you're gonna
(26:55):
miss out on so many different things, and you're gonna
miss out on the good that God has for you
because you're stuck on unforgivingness, like you don't want to
forgive those who caused you and some things I can
understand that are simply unforgivable. But if God is the
(27:21):
one to give us grace, extend the grace. But you
don't have to continue the relationship with them, you know,
So just learn to forgive and move on. And you
don't necessarily have to speak to those people again. You
don't have to keep trying to make something work, but
(27:42):
you do need to forgive them so that you can
have peace within yourself, because that is really important for
you to release, because you don't want to hold onto
something for too long, because sometimes holding on to something
you cause yourself more damage and more pain. But learn
(28:04):
to let go of what's no longer serving you. And
when you can let go of what's no longer serving you.
You'll understand what God means when he says to let go,
because He's had something better for you on the other side.
And nothing that I have let go of has hurt
(28:28):
me in the sense of he didn't replace it with
something that was worse than before. Every time I let
go because God told me to let go, He's replaced
it with something bigger and better. And I'm grateful for that.
And I've learned that through this grief journey, through this
grief process, and through the version of myself, that my
(28:53):
mom's passing has truly shaped me in a way of
loving on people a whole lot more. You know, I've
always been a person to say thanks to over and
over again because I've never wanted people to feel like
(29:15):
I was taking them for granted in any capacity. I
do that so much that it annoys the people that
I am in contact with. I'll say thank you over
and over again. I'll let them know how much I
appreciate them, Like I will tell you, guys at the
end of this, because I'm not gonna be on here
much longer, because y'all, I'm already coughing and doing all
(29:39):
this other stuff, but just to be here in this
moment with you guys, it means so so much to me.
Because I did have another guest that was supposed to
be on tonight, but unfortunately they had an unforeseeable emergency
that came up, and so I hope everything is okay.
So we'll keep them uplifting in prayer tonight for whatever
(30:02):
that emergency was. But I also feel like it happened
for a reason for me to be able to talk
about this grief journey for myself and someone else's along
this journey as well, and they're learning how to forgive
in ways and spaces because you know, our time grows
(30:23):
nearer every year, like next week, next Wednesday is my
for it will be my forty seventh birthday, God willing
that I see it. I've learned to embrace every moment
that I have. Every day isn't always a good day,
but it's not a bad day either, And so every
night before I go to sleep, I make sure that
(30:44):
I thank God for something, no matter how big or
how small, because it could have been different. I could
have awaken and not been able to move my body,
and that has happened I could have awakened and not
been able to speak because that has happened. So any
small thing that I can find to have gratitude for
(31:09):
and with, I make sure that I say thank you
to God for allowing me the opportunity and the space
to be thankful. If you're making plans for anything, and
I hear people talk about a lot that they don't
celebrate birthdays. Every day is your birthday, So start looking
(31:32):
at it like that. Because every day that your eyes
open and you're able to move around, or you're able
to do the things that God allows you to do,
celebrate it. You may be in pain, you may have
a headache, you may have hip pain, you may have
back pain, you may have pain in your finger, your ankle,
(31:56):
your toe, your elbow, whatever it is. Thank God for
that because you're able to feel celebrate the big and
the small. My son Nathan today told me that he's
planning to do something for my birthday because I don't
(32:17):
celebrate myself. You guys, the award that I won for
the I won Legendary of the Year Award at the
fifty one fifty Foundation Award Show this past Sunday, and
I'm grateful for the opportunity. But and I'm not saying
(32:39):
but in the sense of I don't feel as if
I deserved the award. It was surprising and shocking to
me that I won that because I'm just beginning this
journey and for someone to see the things that I
have been working on, it's just truly amazing to me.
(33:03):
But I did not celebrate the wind. I came home
and my kids are really excited. I'm really excited, but
that's as far as it went, because I don't really
know how to celebrate myself, you know, and it's a
(33:25):
process for me. So I'm gonna need some pinners on
how to celebrate because I honestly do not know how.
And as crazy as that may sound, like, I will
celebrate things for everyone else, but when it comes to me,
I don't know how to do that. I struggle very,
(33:46):
very hard with celebrating myself and any accomplishments that I have,
and I'm slowly learning, but I haven't got there yet.
So thank you. I just I don't girl, we gonna
be finding this out together, because I really don't know
(34:07):
how to celebrate. I don't, you know. I'm grateful for
every task and I think It falls back to as
a little girl growing up not celebrating things at all,
like birthday celebrations. You know, the old tradition was, you know,
(34:29):
your birthday comes, they throw a flower in your face
and give you a couple of gifts. But there was
no birthday parties or anything like that. And then any
report cards, even if the grades were good, there was
no you know, celebration for that, and so any success
it was just like, well, I was always told that
(34:52):
I wasn't going to do anything, and so anytime I
would do it, it was like, Okay, yeah, I proved
you wrong. I could do it, and so I would
just move on to the next thing I was told
I couldn't do. So I just don't know how to
stopped and live in the moment of the accomplishment and celebrated.
When I graduated college, I got the degree, went to
(35:17):
waffle house, came home with the bit that was my celebration.
I didn't I didn't do any of that stuff. So
I really struggle with celebrating. I struggle with buying myself
things because I think of what someone else is gonna
need first. I don't know I when I figured out, y'all,
(35:41):
we'll figure this thing out together. But grief is never ending.
Love on those that love you. If you're holding on
to a grudge with someone because they said or did
something to you, no matter how part it was for
(36:02):
you to experience it, you have become a better person
because you didn't allow that to define you. And so
since you didn't allow it to define you, it doesn't
control you. So if it doesn't control you, then you
have the power to forgive so that you can move
on and show someone else that yes, you may have
(36:24):
been broken, but you are still blessed, and so forgive,
grieve them even though they are still living. Give yourself
permission to let them go. The weight that you've been
carrying because of someone else, is hurt that they may
(36:48):
have caused you. It's no longer yours to carry. Give
it back to them. Let them carry their own burdens,
let them carry their own hurts, their own pains. They're
not for you to carry anymore. You carried it long enough,
and it's time for you to let that go so
that you can actually be lighter and actually walk in
(37:09):
your purpose and grieve them in the sense of you
love them, and it's time to let them. Go. Give
yourself permission to love the new version of yourself. The
old version was good for what was necessary in the
(37:33):
time that you were that particular version of yourself. But
love yourself enough to know that you are enough. You
always have been enough, and you always will be enough.
Don't let grief keep you confined to depression. Love the
moments that you shared, the memories that you created. Listen
(37:55):
to those a little bit more than the sad times,
because I could dwell on the sadness of of the
relationship with my mom, but I tend to I tend
to force myself out of the sad moments because we
had more happy times that I remember. Because yeah, of
(38:15):
course she said some hurtful things, but I also realized
that they were coming from a hurtful place. And she
was once a child too, and she was once a
little girl, a teenager before she became a mom, and
(38:36):
she never got to grieve those versions of herself. She
never got to grieve the innocence of the little girl
she once was. And so learning to see her beyond
the title of her being my mom allowed me to
look past the things that she said out of hurt
(38:57):
And I've had to come to understand that she loved
me the best way that she knew how, because the
way that she had received love was through pain, so
she only knew how to give it in that way.
But watching her with my children let me know that
(39:21):
the love that she gave to them was the love
that she had always wanted to receive. And she was
always the mother that I needed, and I gave my
children the mother that I wanted. And so I love
the fact that I was able to recognize that. Now.
(39:41):
Did I recognize it before she passed? No, But during
that time, I was so busy on focusing being there
for her in that moment, in her moments of transition,
that I focused on that, and I prayed ask God
to allow all of the lessons that my mom was
(40:03):
teaching me during that transition time to let me recall
the lessons that she was teaching so that I would
be able to feel what she was teaching after she
was gone. Because I had gotten so used to my
mom showing up every three months, and so after my
(40:27):
mom had been pack gone for three months, it was
a thing where I was like, oh, well, she's not
I was in my denial stage. I'll say that it's
three months, she'll be back. But then I had to
realize there's no coming back. It was her final goodbye,
and that was a hard thing to handle. But I've
(40:53):
gotten better. It ain't always an easy thing, but it's
it's a it's a it's a beautiful process. But I'm
not gonna keep you guys any longer. Y'all have seen
me cry, y'all heard me bark like a dog with
this cough that I got. But I thank you guys
(41:15):
for first tuning in listening to me. Tonight. I will
be back on I think it is November. Hold on,
I ain't gonna tell you no. Let me just gonna
look till you want to be back. It's gonna be
a Sunday, of course, November the ninth, and I will
(41:38):
be with Denisia Harper. We're gonna continue our conversation about
loving yourself authent the authentic version of yourself. But God,
we thank you for being with us tonight, giving us
all that we needed to know that we are not
(42:01):
alone on our grieving journey and that everything that we
are going through you provide the grace and the protection
and the coverage and the love that we need. Even
on dates when we don't even understand the reason why.
But everything that happens is connected to our greater purpose.
(42:22):
Because even the pain that we've gone through, even the
loss of the loved ones that we have lost along
the way, are connected to the greater good of the
purpose in which we have been created. So allow us
to continue to walk by by faith and not by sight,
and with the strength that you give us to endure
each and every moment, because everything that we go through
(42:44):
is a puzzle piece that's connected to the greater version
of ourselves. So I thank you guys for tuning in tonight,
and I will see you guys back on Sunday, November ninth,
And as always, remember to stay out of God's business.
The only thing he need you to do is be
able to get to what He's called you to do.
(43:04):
Good Night, you guys.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
I love you, lord O.
Do do do please, gentlemen, they I have your attention. Peace.
(01:08):
The show starts in eight seven six hi three fwo
my goo.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Good evening, and welcome to Believe in the Journey podcast,
where I'm your host, Trevita Harris. You guys, I'm gonna
go ahead and give you this disclaimer. I have a
horrible cough tonight, so just bear with me. I am okay.
You might hear me barking just a little bit, but
I'm okay. But tonight I did have a guest Beca
(01:55):
You unfortunately reschedule. They had a New York they came up,
and so tonight we're just gonna be talking about free
and the unexpected tricks that come along with free and
how it changes the version of yourself if you want
to know. And so before we do anything, you definitely
(02:20):
have to go to God in prayer. So we'll do
that and then we'll get smarter than this full conversation.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me in front
of your children tonight. These are the words of mouth
mouth all upon the ears that needs to hear. Brief
is something that we all are going through right now,
and especially with the holiday seasons that are, it makes
(02:43):
them a little harder for us to, you know, be
in the spirits all the time that it's almost walking
with you, and we know that our loved ones are
with you and they are no longer in pain and
something in any ways while the earth. So please continue
to walk with us as we are on the three
even journey. It's never ending journey. It just every day
(03:06):
from moment to moment, and we learned from just thing
doesn't get easier, We just learned to cope with it
as you help us with this journey. So in your
first's and holy name, Jesus, we pray Amen. The thing
that I wanted to talk about with grief is that
grief has a funny way showing up in our lives unexpectedly,
(03:32):
in moments where our day could have been going very,
very well, where we didn't have any anything to be
sad about, anything to be upset about, anything to be
frustrated about. And you could be sitting watching a funny
TV show and someone in the TV show a word
(03:55):
a phone to bring up the memory of a past
on loved one, and when that memory comes up, it
brings us sometimes to tears. It brings us some time
to laughter. It brings us to so many emotions, and
(04:15):
the one thing that we must learn to do is
to learn to embrace the feelings as they come. I
have been one to say that I was never one
to show big emotions or cry or do anything of
that nature, because honestly, I didn't feel like I had
time to deal with my emotions raising three small children,
(04:40):
going through you know, this life, divorce, things of that nature.
It was just one of those things that I never
felt like I had time to really endure the feeling
of sadness or anything like that, because I have so
many things to think about. Grief is a thing that
(05:03):
has many different layers, and it's not just the death
of a loved one that we tend to grieve. It's
the number one topic when it comes to thinking about
grief is when death comes. But death isn't the only
thing that requires grief. And one thing that I have
(05:26):
come to understand about myself is as far as my
grieving is concerned, is when I have my stroke in
two thousand and nine, and just a couple months ago,
I realized that I never grieve for the old version
(05:46):
of myself. And since I never grieved that I didn't
understand that that was part of what I needed to do,
because the new version that emerged from that was from
the old version before my stroke to the new version
of who I've become and who I am continuously becoming
(06:08):
has been a true challenge for myself because before my stroke,
I was very very on.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Go.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I'll say it like that simply because anytime anybody will
say something to me that I did not like, you
were getting an ear full right then and there, and
it did not matter if I hurt your feelings, for
the simple fact of if you felt bold enough to
say something that was disrespectful or hurt to me, then
I gave it right back to you. Now, the version
(06:44):
of me after my stroke, I started looking at people
for maybe they were having a bad day, maybe they
just got some bad news and they didn't know how
to deal with this, so they lashed out on other people.
So I started learning to have more compassion and to
(07:06):
not look at people in a negative viewpoint just because
of the energy that they were given to me. So
the person before the stroke was just a ready set
go at any given moment where you were being disrespectful
of talking to me, crazy. Whatever, you got what you did,
(07:29):
and it was instant, and I didn't realize that until
after I had my stroke that I learned how to
take a step back from that. But as I've gotten
in this part of my journey with brief of learning
(07:49):
the old version of myself free stroke, this virgin post stroke,
that has been a true estament of strength. It's been
a true testament of faith. It's been growth in so many,
so many different ways. Hey ladies, how y'all doing. I
(08:11):
did not know the strength that I had in myself
with dealing with the health issues that I was dealing with.
So I've learned to allow myself the space to grief
and allow myself to feel the emotions as they come,
(08:35):
especially since my mom passed away in twenty three and
so since her passing, I've learned to allow myself to
feel the emotions as they come and not run away
from them because it's easy to run. But one thing
about grief is that it doesn't care about your timeline.
(08:55):
It doesn't care about your feelings, it doesn't care what's
on your schedule, it doesn't care anything about that. If
it wants to creep up on you where you feel
like there is nothing but release that is necessary. You're
going to release those tears, You're gonna release those screens,
You're gonna release all of that, because that is part
(09:16):
of the grieving process. And a lot of people try
to keep themselves busy. They want to keep you know,
busy all the time, not just the physical body, but
the mind as well. So if you're constantly on the go,
you don't have time to deal with the emotions. But
grief doesn't care anything about that. It will wait for
you to have a moment of stillness, and in that
(09:39):
moment of stillness is where grief real come in and
be like, hey, how you doing. I'm here. You may
not have had time for me, but I have time
for you. And a trigger for me has been when
I'm outside with my granddaughter because my mother their love
(10:00):
to be outside, and so when I'm watching her and
she's just enjoying being outside and not wanting to come in,
it brings up memories of my mom and how she
liked to be outside. And sometimes I have to fight
back to tears because I don't want to upset my
(10:21):
grandbaby for crime, and I can't really explain to her
why I'm crying, because if I'm crying, of course she's
gonna assume that I'm sad or I'm hurting for some reason,
and in many cases i am. But sometimes it's not
tears of sadness. It's just tears of you know, the
(10:44):
memories that we were able to create. And so give
yourself permission to feel the emotions that you feel. If
it's a song that comes on the radio and it
brings you happiness, or brings you to a time and
a place with that person that made you laugh, that
(11:05):
made you smile, that made you cry, or whatever, give
in to that emotion. Don't run away from it. Take
a moment to acknowledge what it is that you're feeling,
because you need to acknowledge the feeling that you're feeling
so that you'll know how to process it. Most of
(11:25):
the time, we don't know how to process those feelings
because they're new and they're different to us. And when
they're new and different to us, we tend to, you know,
try to push it away because we don't understand what
we're feeling. But give yourself permission to feel whatever that
emotion is when it comes. When it comes to dealing
with grief. Some of us have grieved relationships. And then
(11:49):
this is another thing. We don't always grieve the death
of someone. Somebody is still living and you no longer
have contact with that person, but they're still living, they're
still walking around, and you grieve the loss of that
person in the sense of the friendship ended, the relationship
(12:10):
with them ended, the one on one conversations, the little
moments where you may have just had lunch or whatever.
You grieve those moments as well. And they're still living,
they're still walking around. You grieve the idea of that
person that you once knew, and sometimes that's hard to
(12:31):
do because of the high regard that you may have
had for this particular person. But when you know that
that person meant you no good, it's hard to let
them go. And being in a relationship, being married, letting
that relationship go. I've been in that space and having
(12:52):
to come to terms with the ending of that and
having to grieve that, and when I will put anticipated
in the book. My bestie wrote her collaboration project, A
Wife's What was it? Lord Jesus, I can't even think
(13:14):
after the vows A Wife's Story? Writing that helped me
to release some of the feelings that I had in
grieving that relationship because I had been with him since
I was sixteen years old and we have three children,
when we share three children together, and grieving the person
(13:40):
that he was and the person that I had fallen
in love with, honestly no longer existed anymore, and having
to walk away from something that I thought we would
have forever wasn't. It wasn't forever, And so grieving that relationship.
(14:04):
It took some time to get to that space, only
because when we first split, we had some issues and
I didn't want to be in the same space with
him because if he opened his mouth, it was going
to piss me off. And so I had to get
(14:27):
to a space to where I had to forgive him,
not for him, but for me. And when I started
to do that, I began to have peace. And we
can now be in the same room. We can now
be in the same space, We can now have a conversation,
because in the beginning, he was my friend and we
(14:49):
could laugh and joke, talk and talk about anything. And
so when our marriage ended, it was like our friendship
ended as well. But as I got older, as I
got a little bit more mature now. It didn't happen overnight.
(15:09):
I will say it's so for years. However, when it
got to be the point where I could actually hold
a conversation with him and not just want to custom out,
it was a moment where I knew I had forgiven
(15:33):
him and it was easy to say that I loved
him for who he was, and I loved him for
the children he and I created together, and I loved
him for the husband that he was in the beginning,
(15:55):
and it was it's a closed chapter. Did you say
that's true. I had a grieving moment myself too. Yeah,
it's it's it's one of those things where grief is
gonna it's gonna come. It's a revolving board, it's a
(16:16):
revolving experience. It's one of those things that, yes, you
get to acceptance, and that's usually what they say the
final stage. However, I don't see that there is a
final stage of grieving. It also is when we grieve,
we remember that there was love there and that's what
(16:38):
we are missing. And like it's as Regina King said,
she said, you find out that grief is basically where
love has no place to go because that person is
no longer here to be on the earthly side of
(17:00):
receiving that love. And so it's grief with no it's
love with no place to go when it comes to grief,
and I've had to make some some space for grieving.
(17:22):
It's it's an adjustment. It's a moment by moment thing.
And people will say that time heals all wounds, but
the passing of someone that you truly love, like a mom,
a sister, a child, your dad, a spouse, those are true,
(17:43):
true things that that void is never feel the same.
No one could ever make it feel like it once did.
And you're right, it doesn't heal. Time does not heal
all wounds. And there are good and bad days when
it comes to grief. Loving my mom for the final
(18:10):
six months of her life, and this is something that
has been on my mind heavy about her final six
months that I had the time with her. My mom
never got an opportunity to feel unconditional love, I believe,
until her final six months because as a little girl
(18:34):
growing up, she was often made to feel unwanted and
if someone said that they wanted her or put the
illusion that they wanted her, it always came at a
cost and it was pain that was associated with it.
So everything that came with it when someone would tell
(18:59):
her that that they loved her, are that they cared
about her, just using those words. It came at a cost,
and it was painful. And so me now that she's
not here, I dwell on the fact of being able
to give her a love that didn't cost her anything,
(19:23):
that she was able to receive it. Now, I will say,
in the beginning of that journey, she was not willing
to allow me to love on her because it was
because my mom was not big on hugs or kisses
or anything of that nature. That just has never been
our relationship. Now she would cuss me out, of course,
(19:47):
but there would always be a joke in there somewhere,
and so that was our relationship. But to finally be
able to love on my mom, to kiss on her,
to hug on her, and her receive it in a
way to not push me away, it was a beautiful
experience and I'm grateful that I got the opportunity to
(20:09):
do that with her, But it was it was hard
knowing that she always felt like she had to do
something to receive the love that she was always worthy of,
and she didn't. She didn't have to do that. And
(20:33):
before she left, we had a conversation and I let
her know that I know that she had been walking around,
you know, feeling guilty for not being the mother that
she knew she was capable of being to myself and
my siblings. But we understood the battles that she had
(20:57):
to face and that all was forgiven and she could
go in peace because we were not holding any ill
will towards her because some of the things that she
went through were beyond her control. And so walking through
that was was healing for the both of us in
(21:22):
a way because she was able to actually release. Yeah,
it was definitely healing for both of us. And when
you're able to have that moment, because not all of
us get that moment to have that conversation with someone
who means the world to us. Sometimes we think that
(21:47):
we still have time, like we have time, but we're
all on borrow time. We're all on we're on temporary
on this side, you know. So love on the ones
that love you and let them know just how much
(22:11):
you value them in whatever capacity and whatever space that
you have them in your life, because tomorrow's not promised
to any of us. The next moment isn't promise to
any of us. We make plans every day for tomorrow,
not understanding that that may not be on God's call
(22:33):
list in the morning. We may not be on his
wake up list. You know, tonight could possibly be, you know,
the final moment for us. But I have made peace
(22:53):
with knowing that my mom got to receive love from me,
all the love and all the hugs and kisses. Now,
do I still wish that I could love on her,
hear her laugh, hear her you know, be silly? Yes,
(23:14):
of course. I attended an awards show this past weekend
and I received an award, and in that moment, I
wish my mom was there for that moment only because
she was there at the beginning of this journey with
my podcast, and so she's not here now. But I
(23:36):
know that she was there with me in spirit because
I could just feel her in the space and in
the atmosphere. And I'm trying not to cry, y'all. But
(24:03):
her passing has changed the version of myself in the sense.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Of, like, right now, I give myself permission to feel
the emotions as they come. It's not always easy, and.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
One thing that I have learned since she's passed is
that if you don't bring me peace, or you're still
in a space to where you love to deal with
drama and foolishness or whatever, I have to stop that
(25:04):
draining energy away. I have to keep it away from
me simply because that's not the space that I'm in.
And so I just it has changed me in the
sense of I only want people around me who are
(25:24):
pouring just as much into me as I am into them.
I do not have time for one sided relationships anymore
in any capacity. And it used to be that I
would give chance after chance after chance, because that's who
(25:46):
my mom was. Regardless she saw the good and people,
no matter how bad they treated her, she still saw
the good in them. And I could not, for the
life of me, figure that out. That's one thing I
didn't get from her, because when I've reached my limit,
I've reached my limit. And even so now that is
(26:11):
one thing that has changed me since she passed, is
that I do not have the energy to forgive like
that anymore, to allow you to keep draining the life
out of me, because the life that I have, I
want to live it to the fullest, and I want
(26:32):
to give God the glory for what He does for
me in my life. And grief changes the way that
you view relationships and the way that you view people,
the way that you view time. And if you don't
value the time that God has given you, you're gonna
(26:55):
miss out on so many different things, and you're gonna
miss out on the good that God has for you
because you're stuck on unforgivingness, like you don't want to
forgive those who caused you and some things I can
understand that are simply unforgivable. But if God is the
(27:21):
one to give us grace, extend the grace. But you
don't have to continue the relationship with them, you know,
So just learn to forgive and move on. And you
don't necessarily have to speak to those people again. You
don't have to keep trying to make something work, but
(27:42):
you do need to forgive them so that you can
have peace within yourself, because that is really important for
you to release, because you don't want to hold onto
something for too long, because sometimes holding on to something
you cause yourself more damage and more pain. But learn
(28:04):
to let go of what's no longer serving you. And
when you can let go of what's no longer serving you.
You'll understand what God means when he says to let go,
because He's had something better for you on the other side.
And nothing that I have let go of has hurt
(28:28):
me in the sense of he didn't replace it with
something that was worse than before. Every time I let
go because God told me to let go, He's replaced
it with something bigger and better. And I'm grateful for that.
And I've learned that through this grief journey, through this
grief process, and through the version of myself, that my
(28:53):
mom's passing has truly shaped me in a way of
loving on people a whole lot more. You know, I've
always been a person to say thanks to over and
over again because I've never wanted people to feel like
(29:15):
I was taking them for granted in any capacity. I
do that so much that it annoys the people that
I am in contact with. I'll say thank you over
and over again. I'll let them know how much I
appreciate them, Like I will tell you, guys at the
end of this, because I'm not gonna be on here
much longer, because y'all, I'm already coughing and doing all
(29:39):
this other stuff, but just to be here in this
moment with you guys, it means so so much to me.
Because I did have another guest that was supposed to
be on tonight, but unfortunately they had an unforeseeable emergency
that came up, and so I hope everything is okay.
So we'll keep them uplifting in prayer tonight for whatever
(30:02):
that emergency was. But I also feel like it happened
for a reason for me to be able to talk
about this grief journey for myself and someone else's along
this journey as well, and they're learning how to forgive
in ways and spaces because you know, our time grows
(30:23):
nearer every year, like next week, next Wednesday is my
for it will be my forty seventh birthday, God willing
that I see it. I've learned to embrace every moment
that I have. Every day isn't always a good day,
but it's not a bad day either, And so every
night before I go to sleep, I make sure that
(30:44):
I thank God for something, no matter how big or
how small, because it could have been different. I could
have awaken and not been able to move my body,
and that has happened I could have awakened and not
been able to speak because that has happened. So any
small thing that I can find to have gratitude for
(31:09):
and with, I make sure that I say thank you
to God for allowing me the opportunity and the space
to be thankful. If you're making plans for anything, and
I hear people talk about a lot that they don't
celebrate birthdays. Every day is your birthday, So start looking
(31:32):
at it like that. Because every day that your eyes
open and you're able to move around, or you're able
to do the things that God allows you to do,
celebrate it. You may be in pain, you may have
a headache, you may have hip pain, you may have
back pain, you may have pain in your finger, your ankle,
(31:56):
your toe, your elbow, whatever it is. Thank God for
that because you're able to feel celebrate the big and
the small. My son Nathan today told me that he's
planning to do something for my birthday because I don't
(32:17):
celebrate myself. You guys, the award that I won for
the I won Legendary of the Year Award at the
fifty one fifty Foundation Award Show this past Sunday, and
I'm grateful for the opportunity. But and I'm not saying
(32:39):
but in the sense of I don't feel as if
I deserved the award. It was surprising and shocking to
me that I won that because I'm just beginning this
journey and for someone to see the things that I
have been working on, it's just truly amazing to me.
(33:03):
But I did not celebrate the wind. I came home
and my kids are really excited. I'm really excited, but
that's as far as it went, because I don't really
know how to celebrate myself, you know, and it's a
(33:25):
process for me. So I'm gonna need some pinners on
how to celebrate because I honestly do not know how.
And as crazy as that may sound, like, I will
celebrate things for everyone else, but when it comes to me,
I don't know how to do that. I struggle very,
(33:46):
very hard with celebrating myself and any accomplishments that I have,
and I'm slowly learning, but I haven't got there yet.
So thank you. I just I don't girl, we gonna
be finding this out together, because I really don't know
(34:07):
how to celebrate. I don't, you know. I'm grateful for
every task and I think It falls back to as
a little girl growing up not celebrating things at all,
like birthday celebrations. You know, the old tradition was, you know,
(34:29):
your birthday comes, they throw a flower in your face
and give you a couple of gifts. But there was
no birthday parties or anything like that. And then any
report cards, even if the grades were good, there was
no you know, celebration for that, and so any success
it was just like, well, I was always told that
(34:52):
I wasn't going to do anything, and so anytime I
would do it, it was like, Okay, yeah, I proved
you wrong. I could do it, and so I would
just move on to the next thing I was told
I couldn't do. So I just don't know how to
stopped and live in the moment of the accomplishment and celebrated.
When I graduated college, I got the degree, went to
(35:17):
waffle house, came home with the bit that was my celebration.
I didn't I didn't do any of that stuff. So
I really struggle with celebrating. I struggle with buying myself
things because I think of what someone else is gonna
need first. I don't know I when I figured out, y'all,
(35:41):
we'll figure this thing out together. But grief is never ending.
Love on those that love you. If you're holding on
to a grudge with someone because they said or did
something to you, no matter how part it was for
(36:02):
you to experience it, you have become a better person
because you didn't allow that to define you. And so
since you didn't allow it to define you, it doesn't
control you. So if it doesn't control you, then you
have the power to forgive so that you can move
on and show someone else that yes, you may have
(36:24):
been broken, but you are still blessed, and so forgive,
grieve them even though they are still living. Give yourself
permission to let them go. The weight that you've been
carrying because of someone else, is hurt that they may
(36:48):
have caused you. It's no longer yours to carry. Give
it back to them. Let them carry their own burdens,
let them carry their own hurts, their own pains. They're
not for you to carry anymore. You carried it long enough,
and it's time for you to let that go so
that you can actually be lighter and actually walk in
(37:09):
your purpose and grieve them in the sense of you
love them, and it's time to let them. Go. Give
yourself permission to love the new version of yourself. The
old version was good for what was necessary in the
(37:33):
time that you were that particular version of yourself. But
love yourself enough to know that you are enough. You
always have been enough, and you always will be enough.
Don't let grief keep you confined to depression. Love the
moments that you shared, the memories that you created. Listen
(37:55):
to those a little bit more than the sad times,
because I could dwell on the sadness of of the
relationship with my mom, but I tend to I tend
to force myself out of the sad moments because we
had more happy times that I remember. Because yeah, of
(38:15):
course she said some hurtful things, but I also realized
that they were coming from a hurtful place. And she
was once a child too, and she was once a
little girl, a teenager before she became a mom, and
(38:36):
she never got to grieve those versions of herself. She
never got to grieve the innocence of the little girl
she once was. And so learning to see her beyond
the title of her being my mom allowed me to
look past the things that she said out of hurt
(38:57):
And I've had to come to understand that she loved
me the best way that she knew how, because the
way that she had received love was through pain, so
she only knew how to give it in that way.
But watching her with my children let me know that
(39:21):
the love that she gave to them was the love
that she had always wanted to receive. And she was
always the mother that I needed, and I gave my
children the mother that I wanted. And so I love
the fact that I was able to recognize that. Now.
(39:41):
Did I recognize it before she passed? No, But during
that time, I was so busy on focusing being there
for her in that moment, in her moments of transition,
that I focused on that, and I prayed ask God
to allow all of the lessons that my mom was
(40:03):
teaching me during that transition time to let me recall
the lessons that she was teaching so that I would
be able to feel what she was teaching after she
was gone. Because I had gotten so used to my
mom showing up every three months, and so after my
(40:27):
mom had been pack gone for three months, it was
a thing where I was like, oh, well, she's not
I was in my denial stage. I'll say that it's
three months, she'll be back. But then I had to
realize there's no coming back. It was her final goodbye,
and that was a hard thing to handle. But I've
(40:53):
gotten better. It ain't always an easy thing, but it's
it's a it's a it's a beautiful process. But I'm
not gonna keep you guys any longer. Y'all have seen
me cry, y'all heard me bark like a dog with
this cough that I got. But I thank you guys
(41:15):
for first tuning in listening to me. Tonight. I will
be back on I think it is November. Hold on,
I ain't gonna tell you no. Let me just gonna
look till you want to be back. It's gonna be
a Sunday, of course, November the ninth, and I will
(41:38):
be with Denisia Harper. We're gonna continue our conversation about
loving yourself authent the authentic version of yourself. But God,
we thank you for being with us tonight, giving us
all that we needed to know that we are not
(42:01):
alone on our grieving journey and that everything that we
are going through you provide the grace and the protection
and the coverage and the love that we need. Even
on dates when we don't even understand the reason why.
But everything that happens is connected to our greater purpose.
(42:22):
Because even the pain that we've gone through, even the
loss of the loved ones that we have lost along
the way, are connected to the greater good of the
purpose in which we have been created. So allow us
to continue to walk by by faith and not by sight,
and with the strength that you give us to endure
each and every moment, because everything that we go through
(42:44):
is a puzzle piece that's connected to the greater version
of ourselves. So I thank you guys for tuning in tonight,
and I will see you guys back on Sunday, November ninth,
And as always, remember to stay out of God's business.
The only thing he need you to do is be
able to get to what He's called you to do.
(43:04):
Good Night, you guys.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
I love you, lord O.
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