“Delayed but Never Denied” hosted by LaTonya Michelle Littlejohn, frequently discusses personal challenges and triumphs, including topics like caring for aging parents. While information on a specific episode tonight is unavailable in the provided snippets, discussions around coping with difficult situations like hospice care often involve a blend of faith, family support, and community engagement.Common coping strategies discussed in general contexts related to the themes of the show and similar support systems often include:
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/da-crew-podcast--5763835/support.
- Leaning on Faith and Spirituality: Trusting in a higher power and believing in a larger purpose can provide significant comfort and strength during challenging times.
- Building a Strong Support System: Relying on family, friends, and support groups (both formal and informal) helps individuals feel less isolated and more capable of handling the emotional weight.
- Allowing Time for Healing and Acceptance: Recognizing that difficult feelings are normal and that healing takes time is a critical part of the coping process.
- Seeking Knowledge and Resources: Understanding the situation, such as the specifics of hospice care, can help manage uncertainty and empower individuals to make informed decisions.
- Focusing on Positivity and Gratitude: Expressing thanks for the time shared and focusing on positive memories can help reframe the experience, even amidst grief.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/da-crew-podcast--5763835/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh it's just sweet, sweetest sweet. Hello, I'm.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I'm gonna lift your hands and said he it is
a sweet the sweet your hand.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Thank you Jesus. Listen is right here.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
Some people say a dreaming. I can't explain. Oh the
pipe that I feel. We'll not call your name.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
When a call your day said, it's just lie for oh,
shut up in my bones. Whoa dang the whole the
ghost move and you yes, and it's just love alone.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Something yeah, yes, shot about.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Jess shut there about the leg of belize.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Is it is a sweet? Oh no, I got to
be honest with you. I loved, loved love.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
Mag it's the sweetest name. Yeah sweet, yes, said the
sweet and didn't hold from the heart. I can see
(01:58):
the whole the ghost move, Ma, you won't leave me alone.
Speaker 5 (02:04):
No no, no, no no no. The name see that fool.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Has got the b.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
So you don't have to wait till the fire comes.
You can do south rising loud for your.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Name.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Oh it is a sweet love me, love me, lady love.
(02:54):
It is so sweet.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Mm hmm, I know his name, sweetest name, I know,
sweetest nighbor.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Mist thing has ever.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
Happened to be.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Laggs and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? The
show starts in ten mine eight seven, six, five, four,
(03:51):
three two, one, good.
Speaker 6 (03:59):
Even, good leavening, good evening, and welcome to another episode
of Delay but not Deny where Tonight we will be
talking about grief and the holidays. Before we begin, I
ex Trevida, my guest, my best friend, to lead us
in prayer.
Speaker 5 (04:20):
Okay, you can hear me, right, yes, ma'am. Okay, Dear
Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing us together tonight. Let
the words of my mouth and our mouths fall upon
the ears. The need to hear what we talk about
today is led by you, and you understand everything that
we're going through in this season. There's nothing that we're
(04:42):
going through that you have not already brought us through.
So give us the strength to make it through this day,
through this month, and through this holiday, because it is
a lot that we are carrying. But we know that
burden gets lighter and lighter when we hand it over
to You and your precious and Holy Jesus.
Speaker 6 (05:00):
We pray, amen, amen, Amen. And I also wanted to
read the scriptures Matthew five and four. Blissed are those
who mourn for they shall be comforted. And the reason
that one stuck out to me so much is like,
right now, I'm going through hospice with my mom, and
(05:24):
we don't know what that looks like. Like, you know,
we don't know what the end is going to be
until you know, God decides what's you know, what's going
to happen. So I wanted to ask you, how do
you deal with grief during the holidays.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
It's been two years since my mom passed, and the
holidays are really tough. But I don't dwell on the
fact that she's not here anymore. I focus on the
fact of the memories that we do create together, you know,
over the years. Because Mom we had a strange relationship,
(06:10):
so to speak, and so since our relationship was strained,
it was one of those things where I didn't have
a typical mother daughter relationship with her that I had wanted.
But during her final month, I was able to have
an extended relationship with her in the sense of she
(06:33):
was where I could find her and I didn't have
to worry about, you know, her disappearing again. But it's
been different, to say the least, because I can't necessarily
reach out and hug her or anything like that, or
(06:54):
laugh with her anymore. But the memories we created are
what keeps me in good spirits, so to speak. And
you know, I just lost my great aunt, the lady
who raised me, October the twenty fifth, and so that
was just a couple of days before my birthday, and
(07:17):
so it was okay. So now we have that on
top of, you know, grieving my mother, grieving my cousin,
and grieving my uncle, you know, from twenty two to
twenty three, twenty four, and twenty five. So it's been
a constant, you know, thing of grieving those loved ones.
(07:39):
And it's not easy. But that's why I try to
dwell on the happy times, right right, finding peace in
the happiness in the happy times. My question is, you know,
(08:03):
with the holidays coming.
Speaker 6 (08:04):
And stuff, what do you do to keep yourself busy too,
you know, so you're not dwelling or thinking too hard
on the family members that are no longer here.
Speaker 5 (08:18):
What I do is I do things that we did together,
if that made sense, Like me and my mom, you know,
would find humor in the seriousness of situations. So I
look for humorous things to keep me occupied. As far
(08:43):
as my honest concerned. Like the things that we did
together was you know, our home improvement kind of stuff.
So I do those kind of things and memory of
her and my cousin. I just do things that you know,
he was younger than me, but he was like my kid,
(09:04):
and I grew you know, some of those things you
know that I used to do with him and then
with my uncle. You know, I read my Bible and
I just focus on the advice that he gave me,
because he gave me some really good advice, especially during
(09:26):
my divorce. So I think about those things, and that,
you know, is what keeps my mind occupied and not
dwelling on so much of the fact that they're no
longer here, but keeping it alive.
Speaker 6 (09:40):
Okay, all of this is new to me, so I'm
kind of like leaning on you, you know, yeah, as
far as you know what to what to expect, what
to do next, and things of that nature. I was
just in supportant bird a few days ago, visiting my mama,
(10:02):
and that was the hardest visit I think that I've
had since she's been going through this. She's so small
now where she's not you know, eating and drinking and
stuff like that, and yeah, it's just it's a lot,
(10:26):
and it's so close to Christmas, and her birthday is
the nineteenth of this month, so she'll be eighty five,
and just knowing, you know, we don't know what tomorrow
may bring. We I mean, we don't know what tomorrow
may bring for any of us for that matter. But
(10:49):
just going because I'm still learning about hospice and the
things that they provide and how you know they care
for your loved ones or whatever. I spoke with the
lady today and she broke it down for me a
little further because, as you know, my biological mother was
(11:11):
in hospice, and I thought that was somewhere that they
sent her to get better. Nobody told me nothing. I
didn't know. You know that that's where you go to
peacefully pass away.
Speaker 5 (11:24):
Huh.
Speaker 6 (11:25):
So I, you know, with with my biological mother, how
I found out what it was.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
They kept.
Speaker 6 (11:35):
Coming in listening to her heart, and they were not
giving her any medicines. And I noticed that they wasn't
giving her any fluids or you know, even food through
a tube or however. So I asked, I asked the questions, like,
(11:56):
you know, what's going on, What's what's happening, and so
I bumped into the chaplain and he told me, you know,
she was at the end of life and she could
possibly go at any time, and he was telling me
he felt like she was ready to go, and he
felt like I was the one holding on tour, and
(12:19):
you know, I felt like, Okay, this man don't know
me from Adam's house cat, so you know, for him
to say I'm holding on or whatever it was was
crazy for me. I went and called my husband at
the time to tell him, you know, what the chaplain
(12:39):
had said, and no, sooner than I got it out
my mouth, he and my aunt were walking up the
hall to come and tell me that my mom had passed.
I still had a lot of questions about hospice, even
that I don't understand, you know, why they don't they
(12:59):
take a weigt certain medicines and they pretty much just
and I know it's to keep you comfortable or whatever
while you transition, but a lot of it, I guess
it will probably never make sense to me, but.
Speaker 5 (13:21):
I just I don't know, Yeah, a hospice, I mean,
I've been in healthcare for quite some time now, so
I know what it looks like and I honestly know
what it feels like to have a loved one or
someone that I care for who is in that space.
(13:47):
You do have a lot of questions and you do
have a lot of emotions that you're going through every
single day. And you know, you talk about you're a
mom losing weight, and this is the thing like every day,
Like I was with my mom for three weeks, every
day consistently, and during that time, like I knew that
(14:11):
she was getting smaller, but since I was there every day,
it didn't dawn on me how small she had gotten
until I was looking back at the pictures after she
had passed, and I was like, because to me, in
my eyes, while I was there, she still looked the same.
(14:32):
To me, she didn't look any smaller, she didn't look
any different. She just looked like my mom, and my
mom had always been small. Now, of course she had
gained some weight and she called herself a little baby well, and.
Speaker 6 (14:51):
She was like.
Speaker 5 (14:53):
Big. But then my mom had always been small to me,
so it wasn't anything different. And when I look back
now over the pictures, and it's like, dang, she had
lost a lot of weight and I could not tell,
but I also had been praying and asking God to
(15:14):
keep me present for her and to allow me to
focus on the needs that she had, and to pay
attention to the memories that we were creating, and to
focus on all of that and not focus so much
on the passing of her life, but to be totally
(15:42):
present for her in the way that she needed me
to show up and to be present and enough to
remember the lesson she was teaching me during that time,
because my mom taught me a lot of things during
that time, even though we didn't always speak a lot
(16:02):
like today, I had a memory and I'm trying to
get through this part without crime because it brought me
tears when I was thinking about it earlier.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
And it was.
Speaker 6 (16:18):
Trying take your time.
Speaker 5 (16:23):
She was sleeping, and you know they tell you to
never if you dream that you're falling, to not hit
the ground right, And she was dreaming that she was falling,
and I had finally fallen asleep, and I was trying to,
you know, catch me a couple of little z's while
(16:45):
she was sleeping, and she woke up screaming, Vita, Vita,
catch me, catch me. Now. I about broke my leg
trying to get out of the bed because I was
wrapped in a blanket to get to her and talk
told her because she was literally dreaming that she was falling.
(17:05):
And when I got a hold of her and I
was holding her, she was shaken so bad. And it's like,
I don't know how many times she had gone through
life and had called out for someone to catch her,
and no one was there to catch her. So because
my mom, she lived a hard life and the only
(17:31):
time she was fully able to express herself, unfortunately, she
had to be have her liquid courage. Basically, she had
to be have been drunk to actually be able to
speak what she needed to say. And that was hard
(17:51):
to witness. It hard to watch because, as they say,
your life does flash before your eyes, and it's not
hallucinations that they're experiencing. They are reliving traumatic experiences of
their lives. And she started talking about family members who
(18:13):
have passed in situations that she had been through. And
if you don't know that these are experiences that they
will have, it will seem as if they're talking crazy
or they're out of their head. But these are moments
that they're reliving, and they're reliving the emotions that came
with that, and it's not hallucinations. It is an experience,
(18:37):
and so it may seem crazy to us on the
outside because we're not seeing what they saw. But also
we were not there during that time that they were
going through what it was. So it's hard witnessing that.
It's hard hearing that. But also you can't interrupt them
(18:59):
when they're going through that because they don't understand the
difference between the past and the current because right and
there in the moment that they're in, it is when
they're in it. But today, when I was thinking about that,
that was hard because I don't know how many times
(19:22):
she had cried out for somebody and nobody came to
help her. So that was hard. That's hard memory that
I have when I think about her life in her
(19:42):
childhood because my mom, in order for me to forgive
her for not being there for me, I had to
understand that she had a life and she was a
child and she went through a lot of hard stuff.
Speaker 4 (19:59):
And and.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
The same things that were said to me, my mom
was still never appreciated, our loved They were just she's crazy,
And she was not crazy. She really was a very
intelligent and smart woman. She was broken as a child,
(20:24):
and being broken as a child and not being hurt
as an adult, and me being a child and hearing
them say you need to get your mother some help
because she's crazy. When I realized she wasn't crazy, she
was broken and she was looking for comfort, and so
(20:50):
having a conversation with my mom and she was transitioning over,
I let her know that she was forgiven for her
feeling like she didn't do everything that she could have
done for us, because it was hard for her to
(21:11):
have four children too being taken away from her, and
when my last two siblings were literally taken away from her,
she really lost the identity of who she was and
so she really turned to more drugs and alcohol because
(21:33):
at that point she didn't have anything else to live
for her kids were taken from her. You know, Dad
and I both were grown and out of the way,
and those were her final two children that she had,
and she was trying to do right by them. But
also my mom didn't understand like my mom always saw
(21:53):
the good in people, and regardless of how bad they
treated her, she still saw the good in them. And
even with her seeing the good in them, they still
saw the bad in her, and they used that to
their advantage and it broke her in a way that
(22:14):
she just never recovered from. But when I had my children,
I got to see another side of my mom, and
my children got to experience Granny and the love that
she had for them, and just me being able to
(22:34):
experience and watch her with my children, and it was
a beautiful experience, you know. And my kids never experienced
the version of my mother that I experienced, and so
that was different, but it also was a beautiful thing.
(22:54):
And loving them how she loved us when she was
able to, because you know, when you're constantly being told
that you're not good enough for these children, you tend
(23:17):
to believe that you're not good enough for those children.
And nobody ever understood why anytime my mother would call
me or whatever it was, I would always show up.
No matter how many times, you know, we would have
arguments or whatever, I still opened my home to her,
(23:40):
you know, And it wasn't always easy, but I did it.
And even during her final months, I was, you know,
like I was tired. I didn't want to do it.
I didn't want to do it at all, because I yeah,
(24:00):
because I'm like I've been doing this my whole life.
Somebody else has to step up and do this. And
God was like, you go step up and do it.
And I fought when I fought, and it was like,
I don't know what you're fighting for, because you're gonna
(24:21):
do it any way. And regardless of how tired I was,
I would work every day, get off work, drive the Gaffney,
drive back home, pick my son up from work, go home,
go to bed, get up the next morning, drive back
to Gaffney. And it was so much that I did
that so often that after she passed, I found myself
(24:47):
some days going towards Gaffney when I got off work
and I'm like, she ain't there. You go home. So
it's it's those days and those mo is where I
want to pick up the phone and call my mom, but.
Speaker 6 (25:06):
I can't.
Speaker 5 (25:08):
Right now.
Speaker 6 (25:09):
I'm in stages with my mom where she has what
they call Louis body dementia, so she she sees things
that we don't. And today I was on the phone
with her and she was telling me. I asked her
if she knew who I was, and she told me no,
(25:31):
and I told her, you know, my mama caused me, Missy,
and so I told who I was, and she was like,
you don't sound like her, and so that kind of
broke up a little bit because I'm like, yeah, you know,
how do you not recognize my voice?
Speaker 5 (25:47):
And so.
Speaker 6 (25:51):
And I guess God knew I needed a laugh.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
So she.
Speaker 6 (25:55):
Started talking about my dad and you know, lost Tim
twenty year years ago in two thousand and five, she said,
and I can only imagine the look on her face
when she said it. She said, I believe my husband
cheating on me.
Speaker 5 (26:14):
Oh goodness.
Speaker 6 (26:16):
When I said, well, she said, some lady, I keep
seeing him put his hand on her leg. And I said, well, Mama,
I said, I talked to him and tell him to
put keep his hands in his pockets. I said, cause
we can't have none of that, and she said, no,
we can't. She was like, I didn't get married with
(26:37):
this mess.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
And I.
Speaker 6 (26:41):
Mean, I'm sitting there rolling at that point because I
was at the brink of tears because she didn't remember
who I was, or I don't don't sound like what
she thought I should sound like. She she's just been.
Speaker 5 (27:00):
You know, my mama.
Speaker 6 (27:03):
My mama has not been the easiest person to get
along with. She's always been hard on me, and it
may have come from a place of she wanted me
to have better than what she had, but it felt
like she was picking on me most of the time.
And then when I had Deontae, I got to see
(27:26):
a better version of her because she loves Dante like
you could only imagine, like a mother would love their child,
their their own child. And then you know, fast forward,
Kay came along, and she she can do no wrong
(27:47):
in my mama's eyes. She can burn down the yard
and my mama will stand ten toes down and say
she didn't do it.
Speaker 5 (27:58):
You know.
Speaker 6 (27:59):
And just seeing her go from all of that to this.
My mom at one point weighed two hundred and twenty
pounds m h. Right now she probably weighs maybe ninety
eight pounds, maybe ninety eight pounds. She's just skinning bones.
(28:22):
And the whole time that I was there with her
the other day, it's like I couldn't even really like
look at her. I wasn't expecting expecting her to look
like that. I don't know exactly what I was expecting,
(28:45):
but that wasn't it that that?
Speaker 5 (28:49):
Yeah, And it's never what you're expecting. It's never what
you think you're gonna go through. Like I said, you
have to give yourself permission and to feel the emotions
as they come. And giving yourself permission to feel what
happens is important, and it's a part of the process.
It's a part of the journey. It's one of those
(29:12):
things where you don't necessarily know what's coming next. And
it's funny because while I was at the hospice house
dealing with my mom, and I knew that morning that
she was going to pass I already knew that, and
(29:33):
I did not leave the room at all like I
needed to, but I couldn't because I promised that I
would be by her side or at least be close
in the space. And the nurse he kept coming in
there and he was like, well, she's not Her skin
(29:53):
color has changed, you know. From when I said, I
know that, I know. He was like, well, I don't
want you to be alarmed. I said, listen, I think
you're more nervous than I am. And I know you
see this every day, I said, And I know y'all
are coming in and y'all are checking her vitals and
you know, doing all of that, I said, but that
(30:16):
won't be the indication for her. I said, you know,
her blood pressure and all of that, that's not going
to be what tells you her oxygen level and all that,
because my mama's blood pressure was one seventeen over sixty four.
That's normal blood pressure. And I'm like, that's not going
(30:38):
to tell you. Also, my mom did not have the
death rattle, so I'm like that that's not going to
be the indication. It's going to be a final breath,
and that is going to be it. And the nurse
had came in and she was preparing my for her
(31:01):
bath for that day, and then they were gonna change
her bandages at the same time so that it wouldn't
be so much on her because movement was painful for her.
And so they had started preparing her for her bath
and I told Mom, I said, I'm gonst sit over
(31:23):
here while they bathe you and change your bed linen
and everything. I said. But I'm not going far, I said,
but understand and know that you've done everything that you're
supposed to do. You have not been a disappointment to us.
You all is forgiven, and you faw a good fight,
(31:44):
and if your body is tired, it's okay to let go.
You know, and I went and I sat down, and
the nurse had bathed, you know, the one side of
her and had changed the bed linten and everything. It
was going to the other side. And then the gentleman
he had came in hurt him and another nurse to
(32:06):
change the bandages on Mom's feet, and the instant he
moved her leg, she let out her final breath and
I was like, she's gone, and he was like, no,
she's just you know, it's a pain. I said, no,
(32:27):
that's not pain. I said, that's her final breath. I said,
you need to get your steff to scope and call
time of death. And he was like, no, that's not it.
That's not it. So I said, argue with you about
because he didn't believe it, because most of the time
you're going to hear the death rattle. Most of the
(32:49):
time you're going to hear something of distress to let
you know that these are are you're going to have
the shallow breaths and things of that name.
Speaker 6 (33:00):
She didn't have that.
Speaker 5 (33:01):
And I knew she wasn't going to have that because
I know my mama and I know who she is.
And I was like, this lady has put up a
good fight, and when it's time for her to go,
it's she's going to go. It's just going to be
a peaceful thing. And it was peaceful, like she let
(33:24):
out her final breath and that was it. And he
didn't call time of death until twelve twelve, but Mom
was gone at twelve oh five on June the fifteenth.
Speaker 6 (33:39):
And it was just like.
Speaker 5 (33:43):
A little sigh, And I hear that sigh in my sleep,
you know, because it was just that's how it was.
It wasn't anything other than that. And it was a
peaceful thing. But I had let her know, you know,
(34:05):
that I was forgiven that there was nothing that she
needed to hold on to at all, because even if
she felt like she had failed us, she gave us
everything that she needed to give us, and she gave
us the strength that we have every day. She created
some strong individual kids, you know, and to be able
(34:26):
to endure pain in a way and still see goodness
in other people regardless of how bad they treated you.
That taught me a lot about myself and taught me
a lot about looking at people beyond what you see,
(34:46):
because you don't know what somebody else is carrying. You
don't know what somebody else is smiling through. So if
you can't try to see past their disappointment, their anger,
their frustration, because people will tend to be just downright
(35:07):
meaning evil, but they've never had somebody see the core
of who they are. And that's the one thing that
I can say that.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
My mom.
Speaker 5 (35:18):
Always try to help me to see. But then the
other thing is my mom never understood that, even as
a little kid, I could see beyond that and to
see the core of a person and to see just
how evil a person really was and if they met
(35:42):
her any good or not. And an example was when
I was about seven or eight years old, there was
this lady. My mom plays softball, and this lady, her
name was Wendy, did not like my mom for whatever reason,
(36:03):
and I think it was outside of softball. And I'm like,
this lady does not like you. I don't know why
you keep trying to befriend her. She does not like you.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
And so.
Speaker 5 (36:18):
The lady ended up moving into We lived in this
it was basically like a four apartment complex or whatever,
so we lived at the bottom and then miss Wendy
had moved in above us, and I'm like, absolutely not,
we need to move. My mom was like, no, we
(36:39):
don't need to move. We were here first. I said, okay,
well don't talk to that lady because the lady don't
like you and my mama. I'm just a kid, you know,
I don't know anything. You know, this is grown folk stuff. Okay.
So this lady ended up inviting us to a cookout
during the summer at her, her family's house or whatever,
(37:01):
and I kept telling my mama, I don't think this
is a good idea. I don't think we need to go.
And Mom was like, well, it's fine, it'll be other kids.
You and your brother can play with them while we,
you know, cook out and you know, do whatever. Like
you know, back then, they had a little drinking parties,
park cards and all of that or whatever. So they
(37:22):
were in the house playing cards, and we outside playing
and had some people out there cooking on the grill
or whatever. And then all of a sudden, like I
think it probably about an hour or so passed and
all I hear is yelling and commotion coming from the
house and they her family ended up jumping on my
(37:44):
mom like it's I don't know how many people. My
mom was hit with two by fours brick, all kinds
of stuff, and so we're basically trying to run away
from this place and get my mom away, and so
(38:04):
we had to walk back home. Now, mam just this
lady lived above us. So I'm a little kid and
I'm like, okay, And so I told my mom, I said,
I told you. Now, I know I probably shouldn't have
said that at a time, but I did. I said,
I told you we shouldn't have come over here because
this lady did not like you, and her whole family
jumped on you. This is crazy. Like my mama was
(38:27):
covered in so many bruises till they were literally black
and purple bruises from head to toe. And I'm like,
this is crazy. So these are experiences that I had
with my mom, like even my stepfather. My mama was
pregnant with my sister and it was the fourth of July.
(38:51):
This man was throwing fireorcs down my mother's dress while
she was pregnant with my sister, and he ended up
putting my mother in the hospital because they got into
an argument. He literally choked her so bad and then
(39:12):
ripped her mouth from the corner of her mouth to
her ear, ripped it open and she was in the hospital.
So I was eight nine years old. So I experienced
so much with my mom because my mom trusted people
(39:34):
so much and regardless of how much they hurt her,
she still believed because love to her equal pain, which
was not the way that it was supposed to be.
And even that happened with my mom. A few years later,
she ended up he came back from Maryland. My mom
(39:58):
followed him to me Maryland. She was pregnant with my
no she had my sister, so my sister was about
two or three years old, so she went up to
Maryland with him. We didn't know that that's where she
was until we got a phone call from a lady
up there that my mom had been beaten and left
on the street by my stepfather, and so we had
(40:22):
to send for her to come back home. And when
she got back home, we found out she was pregnant
with my baby brother. So I've experienced a lot with
my mama, and witnessing that helped me to understand that
my mother was a victim in so many, so many ways,
(40:45):
and also in the fact of she equated that love
had to come with pain, that it was not given
without it, and so if you loved her, you have
to cause pain to her. And so the final six
months of her life, it took her a minute to
(41:08):
understand that I love you because not because I'm supposed to.
I love you in spite of you don't have to
be my mom for me to love you. I love
you because I know you, I see you, I see
(41:28):
beyond what everybody has been conditioning me to believe is
that you're crazy. You're not crazy. You were just broken
as a kid, and you were searching for love in
ways that nobody understood. And whatever you had to go through,
(41:48):
whatever broke you, is not why I'm trying to love you.
I love you because and once she did let me in,
I don't think she really understood how much it helped
her to heal and helped her to relax and to
(42:14):
just be loved on, you know. And it's one of
those things. Like my brother it was the first time
he had ever heard her say I love you to
him during that time. Yeah, so it's it's hard, but
I don't have any regrets about our relationship, even the
(42:36):
hard conversations, the arguments or whatever, because I knew when
I realized that my mom was a young person, a
person before I came into her life, and whatever she
went through, whatever broke her, was not my responsibility to
(42:57):
fix right.
Speaker 6 (43:02):
Well, for me, my mom has never been the cuddly
I love you type, and so now she she tells
me she loves me. They used for Dante and Kay,
but now she tells me. And the first time she
(43:23):
said it, I ain't know what to do with it
because I never heard her say that and say that.
I don't think she did, but just hearing it just
felt foreign to me. And you know, because I tell
Deontae all the time that I love him as well
(43:44):
as Kay, and you know that's how they are, like
they tell you they love you, and you know, I don't,
you know, I this is this is a lot.
Speaker 5 (44:02):
It's definitely a lot, and it's different, and you don't
know how to receive it when you first hear it,
because it's like, okay, because you've never heard them say
it before, Like my mom had said it once before,
but I think I was honestly, I think I was
(44:23):
graduating high school when she said it, but she had
been drinking too, so I wasn't actually sure if she
had meant to say it at that time or not,
but prior to that, she had never said it. And
even like my mom was there during the pregnancy of Nathan,
that was the only pregnancy that she was there for,
(44:46):
like actually, you know, participating actively during that time, because
my Mama stayed with me because I had been put
on complete bed rest or whatever, and so she was
with me during that time. And even during that time,
she still never said she loved me. She still never
said anything of the kind at all. But it was
(45:09):
like one of those things where okay, but when she
was in that transition phase, she said it every day,
and she would look for me to be there by
a certain time and if I wasn't there, and while
she was still able to use the phone, and she
was calling, if I wasn't there by six o'clock, you
(45:33):
still coming you okay? Like she would always disguise it
as you feeling okay, is everything all right? And I'm like, yeah, Mama,
everything's all right, okay. Well, I was just checking on you.
Are you coming by here today? Mama? Walking down the hall,
(45:54):
I see you in a mute oh okay, Like you
would do that And if she didn't call me, she
would have my aunt call me because my aunt started
coming down every Monday, and so she would have my
aunt dd he call me to see if I was okay,
And I'm like, she just checking to see if I'm
coming Auntie. That's all she ain't. She don't need nothing.
(46:16):
She just got you calling because she don't want to
call me herself. But the relationship that she had with
my kids, and especially with Scott, she didn't get to
meet Maka but Sky, Honey, Scott was not allowed to
be in nobody's arms because when she walked in, if
(46:37):
we walked in the room with her, honey, Scott had
to go on that bed and you not touching her
the whole time. Even like the week that my mama passed,
Scott came into that room, Honey, she trying to hold her,
and I'm like, Mama, you can't even hold yourself. Give
me my baby, all right, okay. And I got a
(46:58):
picture of her trying her best to hold this baby
in that baby and she held her. They ended up
in like matching pajama colors because I had Ki bring
her up there to me while she went to work,
and Mama had fell asleep before when Scott had left,
(47:21):
and so she woke up, talk about what a baby
mama she gone, she done went home. You didn't wake
me up to tell me she mama, you were sleeping.
I'm not finna wake you up. Well, you should have
woke me up. And God forbid, Scott started crying. What's
she crying for? You need to get her mama worried
(47:43):
about yourself? So I know what that looks like. You know,
they love them grands and that's a different kind of love,
and you know that for yourself, it's a different kind
of love. And my kids swear now that I don't
became soft because the mama that they had and the
(48:07):
one that Kay that's Sky and Makai got, is not
the one they grew up with. I'm like, I have
not gotten soft. It's just this certain things.
Speaker 7 (48:21):
It's not for me to whoop her over there because
she's expressing herself, so you know, and they're like, na,
let us express ourselfs like that.
Speaker 5 (48:32):
We don't got kicked across the room. What are y'all
doing too much?
Speaker 6 (48:38):
Yeah, there's something about Kay that you know. She when
she's here, she hangs out in my room. She has
all her toys her in her room because I had
to move them back into her room because she hadn't
in my room. So what does she comes in? My
(49:00):
bed is high and she gets up under my bed
with her She has this little chair that I bought
her that turns into like a bed and she under
there and I'm like, of all the places you could be,
want to be right there. But it's like every two
(49:22):
or three minutes, she'll gig, I love you, and just
you know, I'm like, Okay, if being in my presence
is what you want, that's what you'll have because who
am I to fight you?
Speaker 5 (49:39):
Yeah? Every time Scott comes over here, she has a
huge container of toys in the living room and she
has her little kitchen that's in there. And when I
tell you, she decides that she wants to pull out
all of those toys and they they migrate to my room.
(50:02):
And when they migrate to my room, and then I'm like, okay,
well can we put them back? No? Not yet? Tt
not yet, And I'm like me, not yet. So when
she's not here, like, my room is clean now because
she's not here, But she was here yesterday and she
had she had the color yesterday with the color pencils,
(50:23):
so she had all of those, and she had her
books out, and Lord, don't let her mama call me.
Don't let Nate be in the space because they're not
allowed to talk to me because I only belong to her.
I am her t T and her TT alone. She
don't care that Kyla is my daughter and Nate is
my son. They can't have none of my attention when
(50:46):
she is around, and she is so serious about it,
and she don't play. She don't believe she's supposed to
share me with nobody else at all. If she is
around and you happen to call her, she gonna get
give you a couple of minutes after that, that's it.
Speaker 8 (51:02):
You got.
Speaker 5 (51:03):
You got to get off the phone because she's not
gonna have Yeah, I do. She don't be playing, Scott.
You got to share, no TT, not share, not share
you mm hmm okay.
Speaker 6 (51:19):
Yeah, Well it has been a pleasure talking to you.
As always, this whole grief thing in the holidays is
just a bad blend for for a lot of people.
Speaker 5 (51:38):
Yeah, So.
Speaker 6 (51:41):
What would you say to somebody going through around the holidays,
What would you say to them to give them a
measure of hope?
Speaker 5 (51:53):
Well, it's always gonna be tough. There is no easy
way to get through the holidays without feeling some sense
of sadness. But don't give yourself. Don't stay in the
sadness too long, because if you stay in the sadness
too long, you'll end up staying there longer than what's necessary.
So give your self permission to feel the emotions as
(52:15):
they come, but also give your self permission to feel
the joy of having them in your life and the
memories that you created. And also understand that our time
on this earth is limited. So love on the people
that are here to experience you while they can, and
don't wait to live with the regret of I wish
I had, I wish I did, I wish I said,
(52:38):
because once they are gone, they can't hear, they can't feel,
and they can't see anymore. So love on your people
while you have an opportunity. If you're holding on to
a grudge of something that somebody did or said to you, baby,
let that go, because it's no worth feeling than missing
(52:58):
out on an opportunity to say you're sorry and to
forgive them. It ain't for them, it's for yourself. To
have peace in the moment and moving forward because a
lot of us are walking around holding on to grudges
that somebody did something to us when we were in
the fifth grade. Baby, they don't forgot about that and
(53:19):
moved on, and you still overhear mad and what they
said to you in the fifth grade. They don't care.
They ain't thought about it no more and probably don't
forgot that they said or did it to you. Let
that go. Forgive them because they didn't know what they said,
and how bad it hurts. You give yourself the permission
to heal from whatever it may be, because during the holidays,
(53:44):
we are losing people every single day. And what I
realized when my mom passed is that the day before
I was celebrating a birthday of a friend. The next
day my mom was that was her final day. And
so what it taught me was that life is truly short,
and somebody is going to be passing and somebody is
(54:07):
going to be born on that same day. So every
day is a celebration, regardless of what they're coming or
they're going, it is a celebration of the life that
they live. So embrace it as you have it and
love on those who love you, not tolerate you, because
you never want to be in spaces where people tolerate you,
(54:29):
be in places where they feel you and cover you
and pray for you in times like these, because we
all need somebody who's going to pray for us when
we don't even know how we're getting through, because those
prayers are what keeps us upright.
Speaker 6 (54:47):
Right, Well, I couldn't have said that any better myself.
I appreciate you. I thank you for always coming through
when I need you. And if you would, could you
pray us out and give us some drop some of
Trevita with so much needed in this thing.
Speaker 5 (55:13):
That's sure, of course. Okay, God, we thank you because
you allowed us the space to uplift you and to
bring you in the presence of where we are. We
know not everything that is placed in front of us,
but we know that it is a purpose for everything
(55:33):
that we go through. You give us everything that we need,
everything that we desire, and even our wont sometimes even
when they don't align with the purpose that you have
for us, You let allow us to experience that. Even
though our hearts may be heavy right now, going through
the holiday season, right now, please give us the strength
that we need to endure whatever it is in front
(55:55):
of us. We know that when our loved ones leave
this place, this earthly place, that they are coming home
to you because you sent them here to be on
earth for a small amount of time. So continue to
guide our past and light our steps in the way
that you see fit. Remove those who do not have
(56:16):
our best interest in heart, because we know that some
people are only here to cause pain more than they
are to give love. Remove those people from our past,
and guide us in the way that you see fit.
In your precious and holy name, Jesus, we pray, Amen, Amen. Well.
(56:37):
The only thing I'm gonna say after.
Speaker 8 (56:39):
This is always remembered to stay in business because God
is definitely going to be the greatest version of ourselves.
And that's a good song to play.
Speaker 5 (56:56):
Take us to the green it is.
Speaker 6 (57:00):
Enjoy it as we in tonight's show again, Creators, and
I want to thank all my listeners that tuned in
comment and I appreciate you as well.
Speaker 5 (57:16):
Good Night, good night.
Speaker 2 (57:25):
I came way.
Speaker 9 (57:29):
To come true, thies I no string to five, no
tears to cry even here I tried, but still my
(57:51):
show
Speaker 6 (57:53):
Refuse
Oh it's just sweet, sweetest sweet. Hello, I'm.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I'm gonna lift your hands and said he it is
a sweet the sweet your hand.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Thank you Jesus. Listen is right here.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
Some people say a dreaming. I can't explain. Oh the
pipe that I feel. We'll not call your name.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
When a call your day said, it's just lie for oh,
shut up in my bones. Whoa dang the whole the
ghost move and you yes, and it's just love alone.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Something yeah, yes, shot about.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Jess shut there about the leg of belize.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Is it is a sweet? Oh no, I got to
be honest with you. I loved, loved love.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
Mag it's the sweetest name. Yeah sweet, yes, said the
sweet and didn't hold from the heart. I can see
(01:58):
the whole the ghost move, Ma, you won't leave me alone.
Speaker 5 (02:04):
No no, no, no no no. The name see that fool.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Has got the b.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
So you don't have to wait till the fire comes.
You can do south rising loud for your.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Name.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Oh it is a sweet love me, love me, lady love.
(02:54):
It is so sweet.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Mm hmm, I know his name, sweetest name, I know,
sweetest nighbor.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Mist thing has ever.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
Happened to be.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Laggs and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? The
show starts in ten mine eight seven, six, five, four,
(03:51):
three two, one, good.
Speaker 6 (03:59):
Even, good leavening, good evening, and welcome to another episode
of Delay but not Deny where Tonight we will be
talking about grief and the holidays. Before we begin, I
ex Trevida, my guest, my best friend, to lead us
in prayer.
Speaker 5 (04:20):
Okay, you can hear me, right, yes, ma'am. Okay, Dear
Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing us together tonight. Let
the words of my mouth and our mouths fall upon
the ears. The need to hear what we talk about
today is led by you, and you understand everything that
we're going through in this season. There's nothing that we're
(04:42):
going through that you have not already brought us through.
So give us the strength to make it through this day,
through this month, and through this holiday, because it is
a lot that we are carrying. But we know that
burden gets lighter and lighter when we hand it over
to You and your precious and Holy Jesus.
Speaker 6 (05:00):
We pray, amen, amen, Amen. And I also wanted to
read the scriptures Matthew five and four. Blissed are those
who mourn for they shall be comforted. And the reason
that one stuck out to me so much is like,
right now, I'm going through hospice with my mom, and
(05:24):
we don't know what that looks like. Like, you know,
we don't know what the end is going to be
until you know, God decides what's you know, what's going
to happen. So I wanted to ask you, how do
you deal with grief during the holidays.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
It's been two years since my mom passed, and the
holidays are really tough. But I don't dwell on the
fact that she's not here anymore. I focus on the
fact of the memories that we do create together, you know,
over the years. Because Mom we had a strange relationship,
(06:10):
so to speak, and so since our relationship was strained,
it was one of those things where I didn't have
a typical mother daughter relationship with her that I had wanted.
But during her final month, I was able to have
an extended relationship with her in the sense of she
(06:33):
was where I could find her and I didn't have
to worry about, you know, her disappearing again. But it's
been different, to say the least, because I can't necessarily
reach out and hug her or anything like that, or
(06:54):
laugh with her anymore. But the memories we created are
what keeps me in good spirits, so to speak. And
you know, I just lost my great aunt, the lady
who raised me, October the twenty fifth, and so that
was just a couple of days before my birthday, and
(07:17):
so it was okay. So now we have that on
top of, you know, grieving my mother, grieving my cousin,
and grieving my uncle, you know, from twenty two to
twenty three, twenty four, and twenty five. So it's been
a constant, you know, thing of grieving those loved ones.
(07:39):
And it's not easy. But that's why I try to
dwell on the happy times, right right, finding peace in
the happiness in the happy times. My question is, you know,
(08:03):
with the holidays coming.
Speaker 6 (08:04):
And stuff, what do you do to keep yourself busy too,
you know, so you're not dwelling or thinking too hard
on the family members that are no longer here.
Speaker 5 (08:18):
What I do is I do things that we did together,
if that made sense, Like me and my mom, you know,
would find humor in the seriousness of situations. So I
look for humorous things to keep me occupied. As far
(08:43):
as my honest concerned. Like the things that we did
together was you know, our home improvement kind of stuff.
So I do those kind of things and memory of
her and my cousin. I just do things that you know,
he was younger than me, but he was like my kid,
(09:04):
and I grew you know, some of those things you
know that I used to do with him and then
with my uncle. You know, I read my Bible and
I just focus on the advice that he gave me,
because he gave me some really good advice, especially during
(09:26):
my divorce. So I think about those things, and that,
you know, is what keeps my mind occupied and not
dwelling on so much of the fact that they're no
longer here, but keeping it alive.
Speaker 6 (09:40):
Okay, all of this is new to me, so I'm
kind of like leaning on you, you know, yeah, as
far as you know what to what to expect, what
to do next, and things of that nature. I was
just in supportant bird a few days ago, visiting my mama,
(10:02):
and that was the hardest visit I think that I've
had since she's been going through this. She's so small
now where she's not you know, eating and drinking and
stuff like that, and yeah, it's just it's a lot,
(10:26):
and it's so close to Christmas, and her birthday is
the nineteenth of this month, so she'll be eighty five,
and just knowing, you know, we don't know what tomorrow
may bring. We I mean, we don't know what tomorrow
may bring for any of us for that matter. But
(10:49):
just going because I'm still learning about hospice and the
things that they provide and how you know they care
for your loved ones or whatever. I spoke with the
lady today and she broke it down for me a
little further because, as you know, my biological mother was
(11:11):
in hospice, and I thought that was somewhere that they
sent her to get better. Nobody told me nothing. I
didn't know. You know that that's where you go to
peacefully pass away.
Speaker 5 (11:24):
Huh.
Speaker 6 (11:25):
So I, you know, with with my biological mother, how
I found out what it was.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
They kept.
Speaker 6 (11:35):
Coming in listening to her heart, and they were not
giving her any medicines. And I noticed that they wasn't
giving her any fluids or you know, even food through
a tube or however. So I asked, I asked the questions, like,
(11:56):
you know, what's going on, What's what's happening, and so
I bumped into the chaplain and he told me, you know,
she was at the end of life and she could
possibly go at any time, and he was telling me
he felt like she was ready to go, and he
felt like I was the one holding on tour, and
(12:19):
you know, I felt like, Okay, this man don't know
me from Adam's house cat, so you know, for him
to say I'm holding on or whatever it was was
crazy for me. I went and called my husband at
the time to tell him, you know, what the chaplain
(12:39):
had said, and no, sooner than I got it out
my mouth, he and my aunt were walking up the
hall to come and tell me that my mom had passed.
I still had a lot of questions about hospice, even
that I don't understand, you know, why they don't they
(12:59):
take a weigt certain medicines and they pretty much just
and I know it's to keep you comfortable or whatever
while you transition, but a lot of it, I guess
it will probably never make sense to me, but.
Speaker 5 (13:21):
I just I don't know, Yeah, a hospice, I mean,
I've been in healthcare for quite some time now, so
I know what it looks like and I honestly know
what it feels like to have a loved one or
someone that I care for who is in that space.
(13:47):
You do have a lot of questions and you do
have a lot of emotions that you're going through every
single day. And you know, you talk about you're a
mom losing weight, and this is the thing like every day,
Like I was with my mom for three weeks, every
day consistently, and during that time, like I knew that
(14:11):
she was getting smaller, but since I was there every day,
it didn't dawn on me how small she had gotten
until I was looking back at the pictures after she
had passed, and I was like, because to me, in
my eyes, while I was there, she still looked the same.
(14:32):
To me, she didn't look any smaller, she didn't look
any different. She just looked like my mom, and my
mom had always been small. Now, of course she had
gained some weight and she called herself a little baby well, and.
Speaker 6 (14:51):
She was like.
Speaker 5 (14:53):
Big. But then my mom had always been small to me,
so it wasn't anything different. And when I look back
now over the pictures, and it's like, dang, she had
lost a lot of weight and I could not tell,
but I also had been praying and asking God to
(15:14):
keep me present for her and to allow me to
focus on the needs that she had, and to pay
attention to the memories that we were creating, and to
focus on all of that and not focus so much
on the passing of her life, but to be totally
(15:42):
present for her in the way that she needed me
to show up and to be present and enough to
remember the lesson she was teaching me during that time,
because my mom taught me a lot of things during
that time, even though we didn't always speak a lot
(16:02):
like today, I had a memory and I'm trying to
get through this part without crime because it brought me
tears when I was thinking about it earlier.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
And it was.
Speaker 6 (16:18):
Trying take your time.
Speaker 5 (16:23):
She was sleeping, and you know they tell you to
never if you dream that you're falling, to not hit
the ground right, And she was dreaming that she was falling,
and I had finally fallen asleep, and I was trying to,
you know, catch me a couple of little z's while
(16:45):
she was sleeping, and she woke up screaming, Vita, Vita,
catch me, catch me. Now. I about broke my leg
trying to get out of the bed because I was
wrapped in a blanket to get to her and talk
told her because she was literally dreaming that she was falling.
(17:05):
And when I got a hold of her and I
was holding her, she was shaken so bad. And it's like,
I don't know how many times she had gone through
life and had called out for someone to catch her,
and no one was there to catch her. So because
my mom, she lived a hard life and the only
(17:31):
time she was fully able to express herself, unfortunately, she
had to be have her liquid courage. Basically, she had
to be have been drunk to actually be able to
speak what she needed to say. And that was hard
(17:51):
to witness. It hard to watch because, as they say,
your life does flash before your eyes, and it's not
hallucinations that they're experiencing. They are reliving traumatic experiences of
their lives. And she started talking about family members who
(18:13):
have passed in situations that she had been through. And
if you don't know that these are experiences that they
will have, it will seem as if they're talking crazy
or they're out of their head. But these are moments
that they're reliving, and they're reliving the emotions that came
with that, and it's not hallucinations. It is an experience,
(18:37):
and so it may seem crazy to us on the
outside because we're not seeing what they saw. But also
we were not there during that time that they were
going through what it was. So it's hard witnessing that.
It's hard hearing that. But also you can't interrupt them
(18:59):
when they're going through that because they don't understand the
difference between the past and the current because right and
there in the moment that they're in, it is when
they're in it. But today, when I was thinking about that,
that was hard because I don't know how many times
(19:22):
she had cried out for somebody and nobody came to
help her. So that was hard. That's hard memory that
I have when I think about her life in her
(19:42):
childhood because my mom, in order for me to forgive
her for not being there for me, I had to
understand that she had a life and she was a
child and she went through a lot of hard stuff.
Speaker 4 (19:59):
And and.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
The same things that were said to me, my mom
was still never appreciated, our loved They were just she's crazy,
And she was not crazy. She really was a very
intelligent and smart woman. She was broken as a child,
(20:24):
and being broken as a child and not being hurt
as an adult, and me being a child and hearing
them say you need to get your mother some help
because she's crazy. When I realized she wasn't crazy, she
was broken and she was looking for comfort, and so
(20:50):
having a conversation with my mom and she was transitioning over,
I let her know that she was forgiven for her
feeling like she didn't do everything that she could have
done for us, because it was hard for her to
(21:11):
have four children too being taken away from her, and
when my last two siblings were literally taken away from her,
she really lost the identity of who she was and
so she really turned to more drugs and alcohol because
(21:33):
at that point she didn't have anything else to live
for her kids were taken from her. You know, Dad
and I both were grown and out of the way,
and those were her final two children that she had,
and she was trying to do right by them. But
also my mom didn't understand like my mom always saw
(21:53):
the good in people, and regardless of how bad they
treated her, she still saw the good in them. And
even with her seeing the good in them, they still
saw the bad in her, and they used that to
their advantage and it broke her in a way that
(22:14):
she just never recovered from. But when I had my children,
I got to see another side of my mom, and
my children got to experience Granny and the love that
she had for them, and just me being able to
(22:34):
experience and watch her with my children, and it was
a beautiful experience, you know. And my kids never experienced
the version of my mother that I experienced, and so
that was different, but it also was a beautiful thing.
(22:54):
And loving them how she loved us when she was
able to, because you know, when you're constantly being told
that you're not good enough for these children, you tend
(23:17):
to believe that you're not good enough for those children.
And nobody ever understood why anytime my mother would call
me or whatever it was, I would always show up.
No matter how many times, you know, we would have
arguments or whatever, I still opened my home to her,
(23:40):
you know, And it wasn't always easy, but I did it.
And even during her final months, I was, you know,
like I was tired. I didn't want to do it.
I didn't want to do it at all, because I yeah,
(24:00):
because I'm like I've been doing this my whole life.
Somebody else has to step up and do this. And
God was like, you go step up and do it.
And I fought when I fought, and it was like,
I don't know what you're fighting for, because you're gonna
(24:21):
do it any way. And regardless of how tired I was,
I would work every day, get off work, drive the Gaffney,
drive back home, pick my son up from work, go home,
go to bed, get up the next morning, drive back
to Gaffney. And it was so much that I did
that so often that after she passed, I found myself
(24:47):
some days going towards Gaffney when I got off work
and I'm like, she ain't there. You go home. So
it's it's those days and those mo is where I
want to pick up the phone and call my mom, but.
Speaker 6 (25:06):
I can't.
Speaker 5 (25:08):
Right now.
Speaker 6 (25:09):
I'm in stages with my mom where she has what
they call Louis body dementia, so she she sees things
that we don't. And today I was on the phone
with her and she was telling me. I asked her
if she knew who I was, and she told me no,
(25:31):
and I told her, you know, my mama caused me, Missy,
and so I told who I was, and she was like,
you don't sound like her, and so that kind of
broke up a little bit because I'm like, yeah, you know,
how do you not recognize my voice?
Speaker 5 (25:47):
And so.
Speaker 6 (25:51):
And I guess God knew I needed a laugh.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
So she.
Speaker 6 (25:55):
Started talking about my dad and you know, lost Tim
twenty year years ago in two thousand and five, she said,
and I can only imagine the look on her face
when she said it. She said, I believe my husband
cheating on me.
Speaker 5 (26:14):
Oh goodness.
Speaker 6 (26:16):
When I said, well, she said, some lady, I keep
seeing him put his hand on her leg. And I said, well, Mama,
I said, I talked to him and tell him to
put keep his hands in his pockets. I said, cause
we can't have none of that, and she said, no,
we can't. She was like, I didn't get married with
(26:37):
this mess.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
And I.
Speaker 6 (26:41):
Mean, I'm sitting there rolling at that point because I
was at the brink of tears because she didn't remember
who I was, or I don't don't sound like what
she thought I should sound like. She she's just been.
Speaker 5 (27:00):
You know, my mama.
Speaker 6 (27:03):
My mama has not been the easiest person to get
along with. She's always been hard on me, and it
may have come from a place of she wanted me
to have better than what she had, but it felt
like she was picking on me most of the time.
And then when I had Deontae, I got to see
(27:26):
a better version of her because she loves Dante like
you could only imagine, like a mother would love their child,
their their own child. And then you know, fast forward,
Kay came along, and she she can do no wrong
(27:47):
in my mama's eyes. She can burn down the yard
and my mama will stand ten toes down and say
she didn't do it.
Speaker 5 (27:58):
You know.
Speaker 6 (27:59):
And just seeing her go from all of that to this.
My mom at one point weighed two hundred and twenty
pounds m h. Right now she probably weighs maybe ninety
eight pounds, maybe ninety eight pounds. She's just skinning bones.
(28:22):
And the whole time that I was there with her
the other day, it's like I couldn't even really like
look at her. I wasn't expecting expecting her to look
like that. I don't know exactly what I was expecting,
(28:45):
but that wasn't it that that?
Speaker 5 (28:49):
Yeah, And it's never what you're expecting. It's never what
you think you're gonna go through. Like I said, you
have to give yourself permission and to feel the emotions
as they come. And giving yourself permission to feel what
happens is important, and it's a part of the process.
It's a part of the journey. It's one of those
(29:12):
things where you don't necessarily know what's coming next. And
it's funny because while I was at the hospice house
dealing with my mom, and I knew that morning that
she was going to pass I already knew that, and
(29:33):
I did not leave the room at all like I
needed to, but I couldn't because I promised that I
would be by her side or at least be close
in the space. And the nurse he kept coming in
there and he was like, well, she's not Her skin
(29:53):
color has changed, you know. From when I said, I
know that, I know. He was like, well, I don't
want you to be alarmed. I said, listen, I think
you're more nervous than I am. And I know you
see this every day, I said, And I know y'all
are coming in and y'all are checking her vitals and
you know, doing all of that, I said, but that
(30:16):
won't be the indication for her. I said, you know,
her blood pressure and all of that, that's not going
to be what tells you her oxygen level and all that,
because my mama's blood pressure was one seventeen over sixty four.
That's normal blood pressure. And I'm like, that's not going
(30:38):
to tell you. Also, my mom did not have the
death rattle, so I'm like that that's not going to
be the indication. It's going to be a final breath,
and that is going to be it. And the nurse
had came in and she was preparing my for her
(31:01):
bath for that day, and then they were gonna change
her bandages at the same time so that it wouldn't
be so much on her because movement was painful for her.
And so they had started preparing her for her bath
and I told Mom, I said, I'm gonst sit over
(31:23):
here while they bathe you and change your bed linen
and everything. I said. But I'm not going far, I said,
but understand and know that you've done everything that you're
supposed to do. You have not been a disappointment to us.
You all is forgiven, and you faw a good fight,
(31:44):
and if your body is tired, it's okay to let go.
You know, and I went and I sat down, and
the nurse had bathed, you know, the one side of
her and had changed the bed linten and everything. It
was going to the other side. And then the gentleman
he had came in hurt him and another nurse to
(32:06):
change the bandages on Mom's feet, and the instant he
moved her leg, she let out her final breath and
I was like, she's gone, and he was like, no,
she's just you know, it's a pain. I said, no,
(32:27):
that's not pain. I said, that's her final breath. I said,
you need to get your steff to scope and call
time of death. And he was like, no, that's not it.
That's not it. So I said, argue with you about
because he didn't believe it, because most of the time
you're going to hear the death rattle. Most of the
(32:49):
time you're going to hear something of distress to let
you know that these are are you're going to have
the shallow breaths and things of that name.
Speaker 6 (33:00):
She didn't have that.
Speaker 5 (33:01):
And I knew she wasn't going to have that because
I know my mama and I know who she is.
And I was like, this lady has put up a
good fight, and when it's time for her to go,
it's she's going to go. It's just going to be
a peaceful thing. And it was peaceful, like she let
(33:24):
out her final breath and that was it. And he
didn't call time of death until twelve twelve, but Mom
was gone at twelve oh five on June the fifteenth.
Speaker 6 (33:39):
And it was just like.
Speaker 5 (33:43):
A little sigh, And I hear that sigh in my sleep,
you know, because it was just that's how it was.
It wasn't anything other than that. And it was a
peaceful thing. But I had let her know, you know,
(34:05):
that I was forgiven that there was nothing that she
needed to hold on to at all, because even if
she felt like she had failed us, she gave us
everything that she needed to give us, and she gave
us the strength that we have every day. She created
some strong individual kids, you know, and to be able
(34:26):
to endure pain in a way and still see goodness
in other people regardless of how bad they treated you.
That taught me a lot about myself and taught me
a lot about looking at people beyond what you see,
(34:46):
because you don't know what somebody else is carrying. You
don't know what somebody else is smiling through. So if
you can't try to see past their disappointment, their anger,
their frustration, because people will tend to be just downright
(35:07):
meaning evil, but they've never had somebody see the core
of who they are. And that's the one thing that
I can say that.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
My mom.
Speaker 5 (35:18):
Always try to help me to see. But then the
other thing is my mom never understood that, even as
a little kid, I could see beyond that and to
see the core of a person and to see just
how evil a person really was and if they met
(35:42):
her any good or not. And an example was when
I was about seven or eight years old, there was
this lady. My mom plays softball, and this lady, her
name was Wendy, did not like my mom for whatever reason,
(36:03):
and I think it was outside of softball. And I'm like,
this lady does not like you. I don't know why
you keep trying to befriend her. She does not like you.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
And so.
Speaker 5 (36:18):
The lady ended up moving into We lived in this
it was basically like a four apartment complex or whatever,
so we lived at the bottom and then miss Wendy
had moved in above us, and I'm like, absolutely not,
we need to move. My mom was like, no, we
(36:39):
don't need to move. We were here first. I said, okay,
well don't talk to that lady because the lady don't
like you and my mama. I'm just a kid, you know,
I don't know anything. You know, this is grown folk stuff. Okay.
So this lady ended up inviting us to a cookout
during the summer at her, her family's house or whatever,
(37:01):
and I kept telling my mama, I don't think this
is a good idea. I don't think we need to go.
And Mom was like, well, it's fine, it'll be other kids.
You and your brother can play with them while we,
you know, cook out and you know, do whatever. Like
you know, back then, they had a little drinking parties,
park cards and all of that or whatever. So they
(37:22):
were in the house playing cards, and we outside playing
and had some people out there cooking on the grill
or whatever. And then all of a sudden, like I
think it probably about an hour or so passed and
all I hear is yelling and commotion coming from the
house and they her family ended up jumping on my
(37:44):
mom like it's I don't know how many people. My
mom was hit with two by fours brick, all kinds
of stuff, and so we're basically trying to run away
from this place and get my mom away, and so
(38:04):
we had to walk back home. Now, mam just this
lady lived above us. So I'm a little kid and
I'm like, okay, And so I told my mom, I said,
I told you. Now, I know I probably shouldn't have
said that at a time, but I did. I said,
I told you we shouldn't have come over here because
this lady did not like you, and her whole family
jumped on you. This is crazy. Like my mama was
(38:27):
covered in so many bruises till they were literally black
and purple bruises from head to toe. And I'm like,
this is crazy. So these are experiences that I had
with my mom, like even my stepfather. My mama was
pregnant with my sister and it was the fourth of July.
(38:51):
This man was throwing fireorcs down my mother's dress while
she was pregnant with my sister, and he ended up
putting my mother in the hospital because they got into
an argument. He literally choked her so bad and then
(39:12):
ripped her mouth from the corner of her mouth to
her ear, ripped it open and she was in the hospital.
So I was eight nine years old. So I experienced
so much with my mom because my mom trusted people
(39:34):
so much and regardless of how much they hurt her,
she still believed because love to her equal pain, which
was not the way that it was supposed to be.
And even that happened with my mom. A few years later,
she ended up he came back from Maryland. My mom
(39:58):
followed him to me Maryland. She was pregnant with my
no she had my sister, so my sister was about
two or three years old, so she went up to
Maryland with him. We didn't know that that's where she
was until we got a phone call from a lady
up there that my mom had been beaten and left
on the street by my stepfather, and so we had
(40:22):
to send for her to come back home. And when
she got back home, we found out she was pregnant
with my baby brother. So I've experienced a lot with
my mama, and witnessing that helped me to understand that
my mother was a victim in so many, so many ways,
(40:45):
and also in the fact of she equated that love
had to come with pain, that it was not given
without it, and so if you loved her, you have
to cause pain to her. And so the final six
months of her life, it took her a minute to
(41:08):
understand that I love you because not because I'm supposed to.
I love you in spite of you don't have to
be my mom for me to love you. I love
you because I know you, I see you, I see
(41:28):
beyond what everybody has been conditioning me to believe is
that you're crazy. You're not crazy. You were just broken
as a kid, and you were searching for love in
ways that nobody understood. And whatever you had to go through,
(41:48):
whatever broke you, is not why I'm trying to love you.
I love you because and once she did let me in,
I don't think she really understood how much it helped
her to heal and helped her to relax and to
(42:14):
just be loved on, you know. And it's one of
those things. Like my brother it was the first time
he had ever heard her say I love you to
him during that time. Yeah, so it's it's hard, but
I don't have any regrets about our relationship, even the
(42:36):
hard conversations, the arguments or whatever, because I knew when
I realized that my mom was a young person, a
person before I came into her life, and whatever she
went through, whatever broke her, was not my responsibility to
(42:57):
fix right.
Speaker 6 (43:02):
Well, for me, my mom has never been the cuddly
I love you type, and so now she she tells
me she loves me. They used for Dante and Kay,
but now she tells me. And the first time she
(43:23):
said it, I ain't know what to do with it
because I never heard her say that and say that.
I don't think she did, but just hearing it just
felt foreign to me. And you know, because I tell
Deontae all the time that I love him as well
(43:44):
as Kay, and you know that's how they are, like
they tell you they love you, and you know, I don't,
you know, I this is this is a lot.
Speaker 5 (44:02):
It's definitely a lot, and it's different, and you don't
know how to receive it when you first hear it,
because it's like, okay, because you've never heard them say
it before, Like my mom had said it once before,
but I think I was honestly, I think I was
(44:23):
graduating high school when she said it, but she had
been drinking too, so I wasn't actually sure if she
had meant to say it at that time or not,
but prior to that, she had never said it. And
even like my mom was there during the pregnancy of Nathan,
that was the only pregnancy that she was there for,
(44:46):
like actually, you know, participating actively during that time, because
my Mama stayed with me because I had been put
on complete bed rest or whatever, and so she was
with me during that time. And even during that time,
she still never said she loved me. She still never
said anything of the kind at all. But it was
(45:09):
like one of those things where okay, but when she
was in that transition phase, she said it every day,
and she would look for me to be there by
a certain time and if I wasn't there, and while
she was still able to use the phone, and she
was calling, if I wasn't there by six o'clock, you
(45:33):
still coming you okay? Like she would always disguise it
as you feeling okay, is everything all right? And I'm like, yeah, Mama,
everything's all right, okay. Well, I was just checking on you.
Are you coming by here today? Mama? Walking down the hall,
(45:54):
I see you in a mute oh okay, Like you
would do that And if she didn't call me, she
would have my aunt call me because my aunt started
coming down every Monday, and so she would have my
aunt dd he call me to see if I was okay,
And I'm like, she just checking to see if I'm
coming Auntie. That's all she ain't. She don't need nothing.
(46:16):
She just got you calling because she don't want to
call me herself. But the relationship that she had with
my kids, and especially with Scott, she didn't get to
meet Maka but Sky, Honey, Scott was not allowed to
be in nobody's arms because when she walked in, if
(46:37):
we walked in the room with her, honey, Scott had
to go on that bed and you not touching her
the whole time. Even like the week that my mama passed,
Scott came into that room, Honey, she trying to hold her,
and I'm like, Mama, you can't even hold yourself. Give
me my baby, all right, okay. And I got a
(46:58):
picture of her trying her best to hold this baby
in that baby and she held her. They ended up
in like matching pajama colors because I had Ki bring
her up there to me while she went to work,
and Mama had fell asleep before when Scott had left,
(47:21):
and so she woke up, talk about what a baby
mama she gone, she done went home. You didn't wake
me up to tell me she mama, you were sleeping.
I'm not finna wake you up. Well, you should have
woke me up. And God forbid, Scott started crying. What's
she crying for? You need to get her mama worried
(47:43):
about yourself? So I know what that looks like. You know,
they love them grands and that's a different kind of love,
and you know that for yourself, it's a different kind
of love. And my kids swear now that I don't
became soft because the mama that they had and the
(48:07):
one that Kay that's Sky and Makai got, is not
the one they grew up with. I'm like, I have
not gotten soft. It's just this certain things.
Speaker 7 (48:21):
It's not for me to whoop her over there because
she's expressing herself, so you know, and they're like, na,
let us express ourselfs like that.
Speaker 5 (48:32):
We don't got kicked across the room. What are y'all
doing too much?
Speaker 6 (48:38):
Yeah, there's something about Kay that you know. She when
she's here, she hangs out in my room. She has
all her toys her in her room because I had
to move them back into her room because she hadn't
in my room. So what does she comes in? My
(49:00):
bed is high and she gets up under my bed
with her She has this little chair that I bought
her that turns into like a bed and she under
there and I'm like, of all the places you could be,
want to be right there. But it's like every two
(49:22):
or three minutes, she'll gig, I love you, and just
you know, I'm like, Okay, if being in my presence
is what you want, that's what you'll have because who
am I to fight you?
Speaker 5 (49:39):
Yeah? Every time Scott comes over here, she has a
huge container of toys in the living room and she
has her little kitchen that's in there. And when I
tell you, she decides that she wants to pull out
all of those toys and they they migrate to my room.
(50:02):
And when they migrate to my room, and then I'm like, okay,
well can we put them back? No? Not yet? Tt
not yet, And I'm like me, not yet. So when
she's not here, like, my room is clean now because
she's not here, But she was here yesterday and she
had she had the color yesterday with the color pencils,
(50:23):
so she had all of those, and she had her
books out, and Lord, don't let her mama call me.
Don't let Nate be in the space because they're not
allowed to talk to me because I only belong to her.
I am her t T and her TT alone. She
don't care that Kyla is my daughter and Nate is
my son. They can't have none of my attention when
(50:46):
she is around, and she is so serious about it,
and she don't play. She don't believe she's supposed to
share me with nobody else at all. If she is
around and you happen to call her, she gonna get
give you a couple of minutes after that, that's it.
Speaker 8 (51:02):
You got.
Speaker 5 (51:03):
You got to get off the phone because she's not
gonna have Yeah, I do. She don't be playing, Scott.
You got to share, no TT, not share, not share
you mm hmm okay.
Speaker 6 (51:19):
Yeah, Well it has been a pleasure talking to you.
As always, this whole grief thing in the holidays is
just a bad blend for for a lot of people.
Speaker 5 (51:38):
Yeah, So.
Speaker 6 (51:41):
What would you say to somebody going through around the holidays,
What would you say to them to give them a
measure of hope?
Speaker 5 (51:53):
Well, it's always gonna be tough. There is no easy
way to get through the holidays without feeling some sense
of sadness. But don't give yourself. Don't stay in the
sadness too long, because if you stay in the sadness
too long, you'll end up staying there longer than what's necessary.
So give your self permission to feel the emotions as
(52:15):
they come, but also give your self permission to feel
the joy of having them in your life and the
memories that you created. And also understand that our time
on this earth is limited. So love on the people
that are here to experience you while they can, and
don't wait to live with the regret of I wish
I had, I wish I did, I wish I said,
(52:38):
because once they are gone, they can't hear, they can't feel,
and they can't see anymore. So love on your people
while you have an opportunity. If you're holding on to
a grudge of something that somebody did or said to you, baby,
let that go, because it's no worth feeling than missing
(52:58):
out on an opportunity to say you're sorry and to
forgive them. It ain't for them, it's for yourself. To
have peace in the moment and moving forward because a
lot of us are walking around holding on to grudges
that somebody did something to us when we were in
the fifth grade. Baby, they don't forgot about that and
(53:19):
moved on, and you still overhear mad and what they
said to you in the fifth grade. They don't care.
They ain't thought about it no more and probably don't
forgot that they said or did it to you. Let
that go. Forgive them because they didn't know what they said,
and how bad it hurts. You give yourself the permission
to heal from whatever it may be, because during the holidays,
(53:44):
we are losing people every single day. And what I
realized when my mom passed is that the day before
I was celebrating a birthday of a friend. The next
day my mom was that was her final day. And
so what it taught me was that life is truly short,
and somebody is going to be passing and somebody is
(54:07):
going to be born on that same day. So every
day is a celebration, regardless of what they're coming or
they're going, it is a celebration of the life that
they live. So embrace it as you have it and
love on those who love you, not tolerate you, because
you never want to be in spaces where people tolerate you,
(54:29):
be in places where they feel you and cover you
and pray for you in times like these, because we
all need somebody who's going to pray for us when
we don't even know how we're getting through, because those
prayers are what keeps us upright.
Speaker 6 (54:47):
Right, Well, I couldn't have said that any better myself.
I appreciate you. I thank you for always coming through
when I need you. And if you would, could you
pray us out and give us some drop some of
Trevita with so much needed in this thing.
Speaker 5 (55:13):
That's sure, of course. Okay, God, we thank you because
you allowed us the space to uplift you and to
bring you in the presence of where we are. We
know not everything that is placed in front of us,
but we know that it is a purpose for everything
(55:33):
that we go through. You give us everything that we need,
everything that we desire, and even our wont sometimes even
when they don't align with the purpose that you have
for us, You let allow us to experience that. Even
though our hearts may be heavy right now, going through
the holiday season, right now, please give us the strength
that we need to endure whatever it is in front
(55:55):
of us. We know that when our loved ones leave
this place, this earthly place, that they are coming home
to you because you sent them here to be on
earth for a small amount of time. So continue to
guide our past and light our steps in the way
that you see fit. Remove those who do not have
(56:16):
our best interest in heart, because we know that some
people are only here to cause pain more than they
are to give love. Remove those people from our past,
and guide us in the way that you see fit.
In your precious and holy name, Jesus, we pray, Amen, Amen. Well.
(56:37):
The only thing I'm gonna say after.
Speaker 8 (56:39):
This is always remembered to stay in business because God
is definitely going to be the greatest version of ourselves.
And that's a good song to play.
Speaker 5 (56:56):
Take us to the green it is.
Speaker 6 (57:00):
Enjoy it as we in tonight's show again, Creators, and
I want to thank all my listeners that tuned in
comment and I appreciate you as well.
Speaker 5 (57:16):
Good Night, good night.
Speaker 2 (57:25):
I came way.
Speaker 9 (57:29):
To come true, thies I no string to five, no
tears to cry even here I tried, but still my
(57:51):
show
Speaker 6 (57:53):
Refuse
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
The Brothers Ortiz
The Brothers Ortiz is the story of two brothers–both successful, but in very different ways. Gabe Ortiz becomes a third-highest ranking officer in all of Texas while his younger brother Larry climbs the ranks in Puro Tango Blast, a notorious Texas Prison gang. Gabe doesn’t know all the details of his brother’s nefarious dealings, and he’s made a point not to ask, to protect their relationship. But when Larry is murdered during a home invasion in a rented beach house, Gabe has no choice but to look into what happened that night. To solve Larry’s murder, Gabe, and the whole Ortiz family, must ask each other tough questions.