The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall - John Kendrick Bangs

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The water Ghost of Harrowby Hall by John Kendrick Bangs.
The trouble with Harrowby Hall was that it was haunted,
and what was worse, the ghost did not content itself
with merely appearing at the bedside of the afflicted person
who saw it, but persisted remaining there for one mortal
hour before it would disappear. It never appeared except on

(00:24):
Christmas Eve, and then as the clock was striking twelve,
in which respect alone was it lacking in that originality
which in these days is a sinequon noon of success
in spectral life. The owners of Harrowby Hall had done
their utmost to rid themselves of the damp and dewy
lady who rose up out of the best bedroom floor

(00:45):
at midnight, but without avail. They had tried stopping the
clock so that the ghost would not know when it
was midnight, But she made her appearance just the same,
with that fearful, chismatic personality of hers, and there she
would stand until everything about her was thoroughly saturated. Then
the owners of Harrowby Hall calked up every crack in

(01:07):
the floor with the very best quality of hemp, and
over this were placed layers of tar and canvas. The
walls were made waterproof, and the doors and windows likewise,
the proprietors having conceived the notion that the unexercised lady
would find it difficult to leak into the room after
these precautions had been taken. But even this did not suffice.

(01:31):
The following Christmas Eve, she appeared as promptly as before,
and frightened the occupant of the room quite out of
his senses, by sitting down alongside of him and gazing
with their cavernous blue eyes into his. And he noticed
too that in her long, aqueously bony fingers, bits of
dripping seaweed were entwined, the ends hanging down, and these

(01:53):
ends she drew across his forehead until he became like
one insane, and then he swooned away and was found
unconscious in his bed the next morning by his host,
simply saturated with sea water and fright from the combined
effects of which he never recovered, dying four years later
of pneumonia and nervous prostration at the age of seventy eight.

(02:15):
The next year, the master of Harrowby Hall decided not
to have the best spare bedroom opened at all thinking
that perhaps the ghosts thirst for making herself disagreeable would
be satisfied by haunting the furniture. But the plan was
as unavailing as the many that had preceded it. The
ghost appeared as usual in the room, that is, it
was supposed she did, for the hangings were dripping wet

(02:37):
the next morning, and in the parlor below the haunted room,
a great damp spot appeared on the ceiling. Finding no
one there, she immediately set out to learn the reason why,
and she chose none other to haunt than the owner
of the harrowby himself. She found him in his own
cozy room, drinking whisky, whisky undiluted, and felicitating himself upon

(02:59):
having foiled her ghost ship. But all of a sudden
the curl went out of his hair, his whiskey bottle
filled and overflowed, and he was himself in a condition
similar to that of a man who has fallen into
a water butt. When he recovered from the shock, which
was a painful one, he saw before him the lady
of the cavernous eyes and seaweed fingers. The sight was

(03:21):
so unexpected and so terrifying that he fainted, But immediately
came to because of the vast amount of water in
his hair, which trickling down over his face restored his consciousness.
Now it so happened that the Master of Harroby was
a brave man, and while he was not particularly fond
of interviewing ghosts, especially such quenching ghosts as the one

(03:43):
before him, he was not to be daunted by an apparition.
He had paid the lady the compliment of fainting from
the effects of his first surprise, and now that he
had come to he intended to find out a few
things he felt he had a right to know. He
would have liked to put on a dry suit of
clothes fur, but the apparition declined to leave him for
an instant until her hour was up, and he was

(04:05):
forced to deny himself that pleasure. Every time he would move,
she would follow him, with the result that everything she
came in contact with got a ducking. In an effort
to warm himself up, he approached the fire, an unfortunate move,
as it turned out, because it brought the ghost directly
over the fire, which immediately was extinguished. The whiskey became

(04:27):
utterly valueless as a comforter to his chilled system, because
it was by this time diluted to a proportion of
ninety percent of water. The only thing he could do
to ward off the evil effects of his encounter he did,
and that was to swallow ten two grain quinine pills,
which he managed to put into his mouth before the
ghost had time to interfere. Having done this, he turned

(04:49):
with some asperity to the ghost and said, far be
it from me to be impolite to a woman, madam,
But I'm hanged if it wouldn't please me better if
you'd stop these infernal visits of your yours to this house.
Go sit out on the lake if you like that
sort of thing. Soak the water butt if you wish,
but do not I implore you come into a gentleman's

(05:09):
house and saturate him and his possessions in this way.
It is damned disagreeable. Henry Hardwick Oglethorpe, said the ghost
in a gurgling voice. You don't know what you are
talking about, madam, returned the unhappy householder. I wish that

(05:32):
remark were strictly truthful. I was talking about you. It
would be shillings and pence. Nay, pounds in my pocket. Madam,
if I did not know you, that is a bit
of specious nonsense, returned the ghost, throwing a quart of
indignation into the face of the Master of Harrowby. It
may rank as repartee, but as a comment upon my

(05:55):
statement that you do not know what you are talking about,
it's a of irrelevant impertinence. You do not know that
I am compelled to haunt this place year after year
by inexorable fate. It is no pleasure to me to
enter this house and ruin and milde everything I touch.

(06:17):
I never aspire to be a shower bath, but it
is my doom. Do you know who I am? No,
I don't, returned the Master of Harraby. I should say
you were the Lady of the Lake or little Sally Waters.
You are a witty man for your years, said the ghost. Well,

(06:39):
my humor is drier than yours, ever, will be returned
the Master. No doubt. I'm never dry. I am the
water ghost of Harrowby Hall, and dryness is a quality
entirely beyond my wildest hope. I have been the incumbent
of this highly unpleasant office for two hundred year years. Tonight,

(07:02):
how the deuce. Did you ever come to get elected?
Asked the master. Through a suicide, replied the specter, I
am the ghost of that fair maiden whose picture hangs
over the mantelpiece in the drawing room. I should have
been your great great great great great aunt if I

(07:23):
had lived Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe. For I was the own
sister of your great great great great grandfather. But what
induced you to get this house into such a predicament?
I was not to blame, sir, returned the lady. It
was my father's fault. He was who built Harrowby Hall,

(07:48):
and the haunted chamber was to have been mine. My
father had it furnished in pink and yellow, knowing well
that blue and gray formed the only combination of color
I could tolerate. He did it merely to spite me,
and with what I deem a proper spirit, I declined
to live in the room, whereupon my father said I

(08:11):
could live there or on the lawn. He didn't care which.
That night I ran from the house and jumped over
the cliff into the sea. That was rash, said the
master of herraby. So I've heard, returned the ghost. If
I had known what the consequences were to be, I

(08:32):
should not have jumped, But I really never realized what
I was doing until after I was drowned. I had
been drowned a week when a sea nymph came to
me and informed me that I was to be one
of her followers forever afterwards, adding that it should be
my doom to haunt Herrowby Hall for one hour every

(08:53):
Christmas Eve throughout the rest of eternity. I was to
haunt that room on such Christmas Eves as I found
it inhabited, and if it should turn out not to
be inhabited, I was and am to spend the allotted
hour with the head of the house. I'll sell the

(09:15):
place that you cannot do, for it is also required
of me that I shall appear as the deeds are
to be delivered to any purchaser and divulged to him
the awful secret of the house. Do you mean to
tell me that on every Christmas Eve that I don't
happen to have somebody in that guest chamber? You are

(09:36):
going to haunt me wherever I may be, ruining my whiskey,
taking all the curl out of my hair, extinguishing my
fire and soaking me through to the skin, demanded the master.
You have stated the case Oglethorpe, And what is more,
said the water ghost. It doesn't make the slightest difference

(09:58):
where you are. If I find that room empty, wherever
you may be, I shall dowse you in my spectral
pres Here the clock struck one, and immediately the apparition
faded away. It was perhaps more of a trickle than
a fade, but as a disappearance it was complete by

(10:19):
Saint George and his dragon ejaculated. The Master of Harroby
wringing his hands. It is guineas to hot cross Buns
that next Christmas there's an occupant of the spare room,
or I spend the night in a bathtub. But the
Master of Harroby would have lost his wager had there
been anyone there to take him up, for when Christmas
eve came again, he was in his grave, never having

(10:41):
recovered from the cold contracted that awful night. Harrowby Hall
was closed, and the heir to the estate was in London,
where to him in his chambers came the same experience
that his father had gone through, saving only that, being
younger and stronger, he survived the shock. Everything in his
rooms was ruined, clocks were rusted in the works, a

(11:02):
fine collection of watercolor drawings was entirely obliterated by the
onslaught of the water ghost, and what was worse, the
apartments below his were drenched with the water soaking through
the floors, a damage for which he was compelled to pay,
and which resulted in his being requested by his landlady
to vacate the premises immediately. The story the visitation inflicted

(11:24):
upon his family had gone abroad, and no one could
be got to invite him out to any function save
afternoon teas and receptions. Fathers of daughters declined to permit
him to remain in their houses later than eight o'clock
at night, not knowing but that some emergency might arise
in the supernatural world which would require the unexpected appearance
of the water ghost in this on nights other than

(11:45):
Christmas Eve and before the mystic hour, when weary churchyards,
ignoring the rules which are supposed to govern polite society,
begin to yawn. Nor would the maids themselves have aught
to do with him, Fearing the destruction by the sudden
incursion of aqueous femininity of the costumes, which they held
most dear. So the heir of Harrowby Hall, resolved as

(12:08):
his ancestors for several generations before him, had resolved that
something must be done. His first thought was to make
one of his servants occupy the haunted room at the
crucial moment. But in this he failed because the servants
themselves knew the history of that room and rebelled. None
of his friends would consent to sacrifice their personal comfort
to his, nor was there to be found in all

(12:31):
England a man so poor as to be willing to
occupy the doomed chamber on Christmas Eve for pay. Then
the thought came to the air to have the fireplace
in the room enlarged, so that he might evaporate the
ghost at its first appearance. And he was felicitating himself
upon the ingenuity of his plan when he remembered what
his father had told him, how that no fire could

(12:52):
withstand the lady's extremely contagious dampness. And then he bethought
him of steam pipes. These he remembered it could lie
hundreds of feet deep in water and still retain sufficient
heat to drive the water away. In vapor, and as
a result of this thought, the haunted room was heated
by steam to a withering degree, and the air for
six months attended daily the Turkish baths, so that when

(13:15):
Christmas Eve came, he could himself withstand the awful temperature
of the room. The scheme was only partially successful. The
water ghost appeared at the specified time and found the
air of Harrowby prepared, but hot as the room was,
it shortened her visit by no more than five minutes
in the hour, during which time the nervous system of
the young master was well nigh shattered, and the room

(13:38):
itself was cracked and warped to an extent which required
the outlay of a large sum of money to remedy.
And worse than this, as the last drop of the
water ghost was slowly sizzling itself out on the floor,
she whispered to her would be conqueror, that his scheme
would veil him nothing, because there was still water in
great plenty where she came from, and that next year

(13:58):
would find her rehabilitated and as exasperatingly saturating as ever.
It was then that the natural action of the mind,
in going from one extreme to the other suggested to
the ingenious Air of Harrowby the means by which the
water ghost was ultimately conquered, and happiness once more came
within the grasp of the house of Oglethorpe. The Air

(14:21):
provided himself with a warm suit of fur underclothing, Donning
this with the furby side in. He placed over it
a rubber garment, tight fitting, which he wore just as
a woman wears a jersey. On top of this he
placed another set of underclothing, this suit made of wool,
and over this was a second rubber garment, like the first.

(14:41):
Upon his head he placed a light and comfortable diving helmet,
and so clad. On the following Christmas Eve, he awaited
the coming of his tormentor. It was a bitterly cold
night that brought to a close this twenty fourth day
of December. The air outside was still, but the temperature
was below zero. Within all was quiet, the servants of

(15:03):
Harrowby Hall awaiting with beating hearts the outcome of their
master's campaign against his supernatural visitor. The Master himself was
lying on the bed in the haunted room, clad as
has already been indicated, and then the clock clanged out
The hour of twelve, there was a sudden banging of doors.
A blast of cold air swept through the halls. The

(15:24):
door leading into the haunted chamber flew open, A splash
was heard, and the water Ghost was seen standing at
the side of the air of Harrowby, from whose outer
dress there streamed revulets of water, but whose own person,
deep down under the various garments he wore, was as
dry and as warm as he could have wished. Huh,
said the young Master of Harroby. I'm glad to see you.

(15:47):
You are the most original man I've met, if that
is true, returned the ghost. May I ask where did
you get that hat? Certainly, madam, returned the master courteously.
It is a little portable observatory I had made for
just such emergencies as this. But tell me, is it
true that you are doomed to follow me about for

(16:08):
one mortal hour? To stand where I stand, to sit
where I sit? That is my delectable fate, returned the lady.
We'll go out on the lake, said the Master, starting up.
You can't get rid of me that way, returned the ghost.
The water won't swallow me up. In fact, it we'll

(16:29):
just add to my present bulk. Nevertheless, said the Master firmly.
We will go out on the lake. But my dear sir,
returned the ghost with a pale reluctance. It is fearfully
cold out there. You will be frozen hard before you've
been out ten minutes. Oh no, i'll not, replied the Master.

(16:51):
I am very warmly dressed. Come this last, in a
tone of command that made the ghost ripple, and they started.
They not gone far before the water. Ghost showed signs
of distress. You walk too slowly, she said. I am
nearly frozen. My knees are so stiff now I can

(17:12):
hardly move. I beseech you to accelerate your step. I
should like to oblige. A lady, returned the Master courteously.
But my clothes are rather heavy, and one hundred yards
and hours about my speed. Indeed, I think we would
better sit down here on this snowdrift and talk matters over.
Do not do not do so, I beg cried the ghost.

(17:36):
Let me move on. I feel myself growing rigid as
it is. If we stop here, I shall be frozen
stiff that madam, said the Master, slowly, and seating himself
on an ice cake. That is why I have brought
you here. We have been on this spot just ten minutes.

(17:57):
We have fifty more. Take your time about it, madam.
But freeze, that is all I ask of you. I
cannot move my right leg now, cried the ghost in despair,
and my overskirt is a solid sheet of ice. Oh,
good kind mister Oglethorpe, Light a fire and let me

(18:18):
go free from these icy fetters. Never, madam, it cannot be.
I have you at last, alas, cried the ghost, a
tear trickling down her frozen cheek. Help me I beg
I congeal, congeal, madam, congeal, returned Oglethorpe coldly. You have

(18:41):
drenched me in mine for two hundred and three years. Madam.
Tonight you have had your last drench ha ha. But
I shall thaw out again, and then you'll see instead
of the comfortably tepid, genial ghost I've been in my past. Sir,
I shall be iced water, cried the lady throat. The

(19:01):
no you won't either, returned Oglethorpe. For when you are
frozen quite stiff, I shall send you to a cold
storage warehouse, and there shall you remain an icy work
of art forevermore. But warehouses burn, so they do. But
this warehouse cannot burn. It is made of asbestos, and

(19:22):
surrounding it are fireproof walls. And within those walls the
temptre is now and shall forever be four hundred and
sixteen degrees below the zero point, low enough to make
an icicle of any flame in this world or the next.
The master added, with an ill suppressed chuckle. For the
last time, let me beseech you. I would go on

(19:43):
my knees to you Oglethorpe, were they not already frozen,
I beg of you. Do not do hear even the
words froze on the watergoes's lips, and the clock struck one.
There was a momentary tremor throughout the eye bound form,
and the moon, coming out from behind a cloud, shone

(20:04):
down on the rigid figure of a beautiful woman sculpted
in clear, transparent ice. There stood the ghost of Harrowby Hall,
conquered by the cold, a prisoner for all time. The
Heir of Harrowby had won at last, and today, in
a large storage house in London stands the frigid form
of one who will never again flood the House of

(20:25):
Oglethorpe with woe and seawater. As for the Heir of Harrowby,
his success in coping with a ghost had made him famous,
a fame that still lingers about him, although his victory
took place some twenty years ago, and so far from
being unpopular with the fair Sex as he was when
we first knew him, he has not only been married twice,

(20:46):
but is to lead a third bride to the altar
before the year is out. And of the water ghost
of Harrowby Hall