Dating in the Sassy Era, Girlfriend vs. Wife Ultimatum, Flirty Friends After Weight Loss +More

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In this episode of Dear Tisia, we’re unpacking some of the rawest, most relatable questions women are asking in today’s dating world. 💌 First, we hear from a confident, successful single mom who’s over chasing men in what she calls the “Sassy Era.” She’s wondering: Where are the masculine men who actually want to lead and provide? 💍 Then, we tackle a heartfelt dilemma from a woman torn between love and tradition. Should she move across the country for a man she loves — without a ring? Or is she risking it all for the “girlfriend” title? ⚖️ And finally, one caller opens up about the unexpected shift in her friendships after a 100+ pound weight loss. Now that she’s smaller, men who once saw her platonically are acting… different. Can men and women really be just friends? This episode is full of honesty, growth, and hard conversations about love, gender roles, and evolving expectations. Whether you’re single, in a situationship, or navigating life after a glow-up — there’s something here for you.

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Call In Here: https://www.relationshiprestored.com/deartisiawrite-in

🔔 Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share with someone who needs to hear this.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:12):
Okay, y'all, welcome back to There to see a podcast.
We are on episode nine and we're going to hop
right into it. We have some subscription reminder shops. Please
please please please follow there to see a podcast on
Apple and Spotify. Click follow like on Apple and Spotify, y'all.
We need all of the followers that we can get

(00:34):
on Apple and Spotify. Leave a five star review. If
you've been tuning in and you love listening to Dear
to see a write a review, give us some comments
on how you're enjoying the show, even feedback things that
you want to see more, So leave us a five
star review. Also, subscribe to the Relationship Restore and there
to see a YouTube channel. Our goal is fifty thousand

(00:55):
followers on Apple Podcasts Easy Money Baby, y'all really know
how I get down. We gonna get that period one
thousand reviews because we crushed the five hundred. Go okay,
so now we're going up to one thousand, and then
we need one hundred thousand subscribers on both channels. I
absolutely think we can do it. And if you've been
tuning in, you've known that we're switching up things a
little bit, and so we're going based on the feedback,

(01:16):
we're going to be doing a little bit more of
the dear to see a call in the voicemails that
we've been getting, because y'all seem to really really love those,
So thank you for all that feedback. We've added more
dear to see of voicemails and we're gonna just be
doing one hot topic and of course, of course, of
course the bitch you Smell Good fragrance segment is here
to say and back again. We have our dear friend

(01:36):
Ray Okay Rays in our Pnut Gallery today and I've
shared this from our last episode that this is the
first male to be in our Pnut Gallery. So this
is a special place. You know, look, you gotta wear
the crown heavy where it's the crowd. She is the
first male to be in our Pnut Gallery. And you know, I,
y'all know, I'm a girls girl and everything I do

(01:57):
is based off of women, and so to just welcome
someone into our space that is a man is very
like y'all know, I didn't play okay, I brought somebody's
no look, well, God's soul. This ain't no Kevin Samuel
stuff happening over here. Okay, but we ain't got no
you know, crazy red Peal podcast me and on you know,
on this platform. All right. So Ray, you're actually from

(02:20):
the UK, yes, and Ghanian from the UK, so I
think it also is interesting. One day, maybe we'll get
into this how just the dating culture is different from
the UK and all. But AnyWho, we have Ray here
in our peanut gallery is going to give us some
insightful perspectives this episode and one of our listener reviews.
We have absolute Favorite. That's what's entitled Absolute Favorite from

(02:43):
Nettie xoxo and she said this show gives me all
the feels to see it keeps it real and raw.
I love her definitely my homegirl without even knowing her. Lol.
Once a week isn't enough. Don't tip me with a
good time now, y'all. Okay, once a week turned into
two times a week. Okay, if you want more of me,
just say that, all right. So anyways, love that, Thanks

(03:05):
for the review, Natty. So we're gonna go into our
voicemail number one. You're to see a voicemail and it's
entitled Dating in the Sassy Era. Oh lord, let's hear it.

Speaker 2 (03:22):
Dare to see I have a question. The thing is
that we attract who we are. However, I'm not attracting
who I am. I feel like I'm in a happy place.
I'm content, I love my career, i just purchased a
home last year, and I'm doing well as a single mother.

(03:44):
But however, it feels like that our culture is in
a sassy era, meaning that men want to be pursued.
They want us to call them first. They want us
to date them, pay for dates, or even pay half
of the bills, or also take care of their children,

(04:07):
cook and clean and while we work full time jobs.
And they want to be catered to. As you stated before,
a lot of men describe a good woman as a maid.
But that's not in the space that we are in
right now. So my question is, since we seem to
be in this sassy era with men, how can we date?

(04:29):
Where would dating go for us who believe in having
a mail that is firm in his masculinity, a man
that wants to pay bills, that goes to work and
takes care of his children, and wants to be an
actual partner in the household. And by the way, to
see it, thank you so much for your content. It

(04:50):
is changing lives around the world. Thank you, Thank you
so much. I love that.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
Okay, So a couple things, and this is I just
want to start by saying this, and y'all probably will
be surprised to hear me say this because of the
nature of my content, but I really want to be
careful with the sassy thing because there's a and I
know exactly what she described. She's described and let me

(05:19):
be clear, okay, and I'm in alignment with you on that,
and I'm looking at you girl, Okay, I'm in alignment
with you on that. But there's also like a culture
where like men feel dismissed and unheard, and they also
presents danger with them not being able to be emotional
and you know, express themselves and talk about their emotions
and things like that that I think it categorized in

(05:40):
the sassy department. So you know, I try to pull
back off that word a little bit, but I hear
your friends. I look, I'm with you when you're right,
with you when you're right, so I know exactly what
she is describing. I think that there are just so
many ways to sniff out these kind of men that

(06:03):
literally it don't last long with me at all. Meaning
I could smell a man that want to go fifty
to fifty and want you to call them first, and
want you. You see this all the time with the
whole The phone works both ways, Baby, I met you
two weeks ago. The phone works both ways. I stay
away from those type of men. I stay away from men.

(06:24):
As she said, when you ask a man to describe
a good woman, watch him describe a maid. Ask that
man about what he envisions his household to look like.
I always ask that. I think it's great because it
leads into like the dynamics of the household. It leads
into what you if your wife wants to homeschool the kids,

(06:47):
if she wants to Like I asked him, like, how
do you envision your household if you had a magic
wand what would your household look like? And you with
you in a partnership that will tell you all you
need to know what I'm saying, just and again like
sometimes men will present their representative, But I think that
these type of men also are just a little bit

(07:09):
more Men these days are a little bit more opinionated
with what they want and what they need and what
they desire and their preferences and standards, and so you
most likely are going to get a man who's gonna
tell you the exact truth, up dated man. And I
was like, you know, what do you think about the finances?
And I've met a couple that were like, put both
all the money in one pot, and I never called

(07:32):
them again. Okay, those were the men that I never
You told me all I need to know. And honestly,
it's not it's not no shade, no harm, no foul,
but that's just not gonna be in alignment with me.
But like the men that are like, oh yeah, well
it's our money, right, We're just gonna put all the
money in one and then and I just like, so
ask questions. I think that before you start exerting yourself

(07:55):
and just really get too invested in them, really start asking,
you know, the important questions. Also, what I thought stood
out is that she said that I'm not attracting who
I am. I am telling you you cannot defeat the
laws of gravity. Baby, dig a little deeper. I'm gonna

(08:15):
tell you this, whomever you attract, the mirror is looking
right back at you. And a lot of times superficial
things like I'm doing well as a single mom. I'm
a homeowner, I'm doing well in my career, which you sister,
you said you've been tuning in, so you shall already
know how I'm coming about this. Okay, those are not
things that a man is looking for. And I promise

(08:37):
you that if you do just a little bit more
dig and a little bit more shadow work, a little
bit more reflection, you will see maybe some like mishaps
in why you are attracting these kind of men. And
it also can be just simply minuscule stuff like simple
signals that you can send to a man that means

(08:58):
so much, right, Like it could simply be when I
tell women on these dating and apps you send the
man's like, here's my number, give me a call, And
then you wonder why you're in a situation where the
youth you said, you set it up that way. And
so those kind of things can be like small things
where a man is reading like she's gonna do that.

(09:18):
You meet a man in one week, He's like, send
me a picture. He's trying to see what you would
do for him. He's trying to see, yeah, he's testing boundaries.
He's trying to see what you'll do for him, and
he's trying to see like if you're willing to make
him feel special this early on, because you see you
on my Instagram, you on my Snapchat, you on everything.
You've seen pictures of me. When a man is asking

(09:39):
you that affront, he's trying to test your boundaries. So
I'm trying I'm asking her to really look at the totalent.
What are the minuscule little signals that you're sending throughout
that will make these men show up in these in
this way. Because this is a small example. Once upon
a time I went out on a date and this
guy we had went out before, but he went to

(10:02):
he came to pick me up from like a going
away party, and after that going away party, our first
little like date or encounter was him taking me through
the McDonald's drive through to get a chicken in a
large fry. Okay, because it was like three or four
o'clock in the morning. So when we had our official date,
it was like this Cuban spot and I was like,
this is nice, this is real cute. You know what
he said to me, Ray, He said, I know where

(10:23):
I can take you, And I said, really, your first
introduction to taking me anywhere was you picking me up
from a going away party and taking me through McDonald's
drive through. He said to see, I'm not crazy. I know,
I know, I see the material. I know where I
can take you. And I hadn't say anything to him.
I didn't have to communicate you know what I'm saying.
So the men that I'm attracting just by appearance demeanor,

(10:47):
even like I said, his initial was like, Hey, we've
been drinking in this club. Can you take me to
go get him a chicken in a large fry? And
he was like, okay, bet. And the next date, he
didn't take me to Friday's, Applebee's or the Cheesecake Factor
read that the internet is up and up or about
He took me to a nice Cuban spot that was
very intimate, and he reitererted that he knew my standard.

(11:09):
And I didn't say a thing. And So, if you
are attracting man that wants you to do the work,
I promise you're missing something. You're missing something. What are
your thoughts?

Speaker 3 (11:18):
There's a couple of things here. First of all, respect
to her, she seems very vulnerable to call in respect
to her for her. Firstly, now I'm from the UK,
so I'm not going to speak too much in an American
couatch because I'm only starting to understand it myself. But
for me, it's this right for those who don't know,
I'm a life coach, so I do look at so
many different aspects right and one thing I'm noticing is

(11:41):
we are in different times economically, and my thing is,
and I loved how you articulated this. You to see
her wants a old fashioned gentleman who's going to handle business.
And there's nothing.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
Wrong with that.

Speaker 3 (11:57):
You're clear, you know what you want, and you know
because of what you know what you want, you know
where to shop, and you know where it pull you're in. Now,
my thing is this, we have to be realistic the
men that we want, sorry not we, because I'm a man,
the men that women want. If it is that that
guy you described that pays pays for dates, there's nothing

(12:20):
wrong with it. By the way, disclaimer, if you want that,
you deserve it, go get it, but understand something. I'm
not going to speak in America because I don't know
the numbers. But for example, England, a high end job
is ten percent of England. So someone that earns that
can provide for his family solely and pay for everything

(12:42):
is ten percent of England. All right, now, I'm going
to use an example, one hundred k and know in
America that's nothing. In England. One hundred k jobs a
good job. The average job in the UK is thirty
three thousand pounds. Now thirty three pounds isn't even getting
you a garage. It's not getting in your bathroom. It's
not getting you much, especially in London.

Speaker 1 (13:04):
Yet.

Speaker 3 (13:04):
Now to get a house in London you probably need
a double joint income on both on fifty k each.
But how is that possible when the average income is
thirty two k. So what's happening is we are going
through our ancestors way when a man goes to work
and he provides. But those day and ages, a man
can buy a house for twenty k. You can't get

(13:24):
a house for twenty k. You can't get a toilet
or a bathroom for twenty k. You know, as I said,
I'm not going to speak in Americas, and I'm not
too sure who the figures. I'm still new here. But
in UK twenty k ain't getting you a bathroom. It
barely will get you a chair sold for a living room.
So for me, it's everyone wants a man to pay
for everything and handle everything. But he's ten percent of UK.
These jobs that people want these, I want my man

(13:46):
one hundred k. That's ten forget me the life courts,
forget to see how these are facts? Ten percent of
the UK earn over one hundred k, So that means
the ninety percent of men that you're looking forward I
want him to pay. He's on minimum, he's not a
minimum average wage which is thirty five. How is he
going to pay for the mortgage, pay for your stuff

(14:07):
and still date antake you on all these holidays and
make you look great on Instagram and still have enough
for himself to be the man that you want him
to be, because let's be ral apart from all the
esthetics and that you also need to be nurturing. He
needs to be a father, He needs to romanticize you.
He's tired because the thirty three k isn't enough for him,
so he's probably going to get a double job. That
double job is going to probably amount to eighty. He
still needs something, so he does do all of this,

(14:29):
but guess what fourteen hundred thousand men kill themselves every week,
and it's not spoken about, but when we do have
people on phone saying I want my man to do
some more. Mo man to do that, fourteen hundred men
commit suicide every single week. It's there. It's not racy
for it's not to see. These are facts, and these

(14:49):
numbers are horrendous. And I understand why because then the
economy that we're in today. We don't buy houses for
twenty k, we don't buy houses for thirty k. You
can't get a lost conversion for that sort of money.
The hundred k's on all of these dream jobs. I'm
a man to buy me this, buy me that. That's fine,
but understand that it's ten percent.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (15:07):
Let's speak for the girls though. I think that there
is this misconception that women want a man to pay
for everything. And let me tell you that there is leadership,
that there's leadership that is not necessarily financial. And I
think that her the caller when you talk about this
sassy era. What happens is that sometimes men think that

(15:31):
providing and finances automatically makes them the head of the household.
But there are so many other categories of leadership that
they're lacking. And this is what people are calling the
sassy era, right, This is I think that if women
found men that are were actually better leaders, took more
of the league, had more autonomy, were more emotionally available,

(15:55):
had a little bit more dick discipline, that's the whole thing,
just like outside of the the like not whoars and
running the streets and all of these things, like just
being more disciplined with their body making better decisions. I
think women will slide on the financial peace right, But
a lot of times these men are running us through
the ground so fucking bad. They're like, I'm not gonna

(16:15):
do this, and you broke, I'm gonna do this and
struggle with you. And I think that if men leveled up,
there are so many women myself included, that will make
concessions financially. Okay, if there were just there were more
maturity and growth in other departments. But men are missing
the beat. And I actually empathize because I know that

(16:37):
there's a lot of societal pressures for men to just
make money, make money, and like you know, it used
to be you know, also signed on cheesecake factory. Ain't cheap, y'all,
y'all ever been. She's a drink at the cheesecake factory,
sports and simpting dollars. It's not cheap, all right. So
I think that it's like, wait a minute, that used
to be good enough. We used to go kick it
at Applebee's. Now that's not good enough because future then

(17:00):
filled Lori Harvey's house with a million flowers like you,
not Lori Harvey. You know what I'm saying, And so
I do. I do empathize that the societal pressures are
a lot, but I think that women would not be
so focused on the financial piece if men were, like
I'm talking about, coming from the hip and leadership, like

(17:22):
making decisions like having wherewithal don't if I tell you
I don't want nothing from the gas station, Yes I
do bring back a candy bar anyway, right, you know,
being thoughtful, understanding, patient, kind, you know, even integrating me
into your family, your life. There are things that we're
looking for that I think will balance out the finances.
But we're in such a deficit and a drought that

(17:44):
women are like, if I'm gonna go through this, I'm
not gonna do it. And he ain't got no money either,
And I think that's kind of what you what you're
starting to see. But I think there's plenty of women
that are like, eighty K is enough, sixty K is enough,
you know, one hundred K is enough. But I'm talking
about the household is full of life, respect, understanding, romance, kindness.

(18:09):
Like you know what I'm saying, You're not begging this
man to take care of his own damn kids.

Speaker 3 (18:13):
Yeah, okay, I totally agree that. I definitely agree with
what you've said because leadership isn't financial, and I'm one
for that. I definitely agree. But you saying that, and
this is going to sound crazy. I'm thirty five to
see her. That's the first time, bearing in mind I'm
a life coach. I speak to so many different people.
This is the first time I've heard a woman describe

(18:34):
what she wants from a man without it being like money.
I'm being dead seriously, and I speak to a lot
of people, you know. But so if it was clear
I know this certain man that away from the finances
is they got told, I would love you to be
more caring, nurturing, looking after the children whatever. They could
do that. But unfortunately from both sex I don't believe

(18:56):
in sexes I believe in just how you are. You're wiring.
Mothers raise their children, the boys to provide, a vide, provide,
and then they've raised their daughters to make sure you
know how to cook, make sure you So we say
men describe women as maids, but they're programmed. I remember
growing up my mother. When I'm a boy, I had

(19:17):
a sister. My mom was telling me all the time,
make sure you have a job. Make sure you know
how to cater to a man. So as much as
we say, you know, a man describes a maid, it's
been programmed and our wiring's been like that from generations.
So until we do the work and realize it's not
about these stigmas and whatnot, whatnot, it's about, like you said,

(19:37):
just being caring. You know, both people can be providers,
but let's be present, let's do love, you know, but
we're not if we're not careful, we're unconsciously still believing
in old practices. Where it is that because what you
just described there, I even felt that. I was like, wow,
she never once mentioned money. She meant to leadership for
what it is. But unfortunately we're not hearing that this year.
Maybe you are a great I get that, I really

(19:59):
do get you, and it's clearly done the work. But
how many women are we hearing? We always hear finance
at the forefront, and finance in this economy right now
where people are getting laid off, houses are expensive. A
man I can understand why these numbers are so high
because when he feels he's not providing to the capacity
that it said of the mortgage of the this is
that he calls it a day. I don't promote suicide,

(20:21):
but I can understand it because when you feel like
you're drowning because your wife keeps telling you do this,
do this, do that, and I'm not hearing caring, nurturing,
being a good that all I'm hearing is you ain't providing,
You ain't providing. At certain point you feel what's the
point of me being here?

Speaker 2 (20:36):
Then yeah, I.

Speaker 1 (20:37):
Get that, I truly do. And that's honestly, you know,
thank you for sharing that. Like I didn't know. I've
been entering my self girl lover girl era, and I
didn't realize that men needed that so much, or needed
to hear women, or even felt I didn't know that
that was like such a common trout that men felt

(21:00):
like women are like, you need money, you need money,
you gotta provide, you gotta provide. Like I feel like,
if you you know the numbers that you spoke about,
if you really boil down to it, the fact of
the matter is that men make more money than women.
And eighty percent of these jobs are blue collar, you know,
regular working jobs where men technically do make a higher wage.

(21:21):
And so when you talk about an average person with
the average salary, they are making more money than a woman.
And so I think that, man, I think that we
have kind of just lost the lost the plot, you know,
and men and women need different things because I remember
first recounting some of my dating experiences here in the DMV,

(21:43):
and I was just like being raised so traditional, as
you mentioned, I'm meeting the man and they like, oh,
you ain't got to cook, We could go to mastros
or I took my clothes to the cleaners. You ain't
got to iron, And honestly, I didn't know who I was.
I didn't know like what I could do, what I
could bring. Because now you're finding all of these self
sufficient men. It's like, baby, you ain't got a cook
and clean I got that? What else?

Speaker 2 (22:04):
You got? What?

Speaker 1 (22:04):
Else can you do now, So AnyWho all that to say,
I think that this caller should really do a little
bit more deep diving. Like I'm telling you it is,
it's undeniable. Whatever you are, your aura, the universe will
revolve back to you, like it will literally send it
back to you. And so if you keep attracting men
that are in this, I'm telling you, look at how

(22:26):
you respond and look at your text matches, look at
those phone calls, look at how you're talking to them,
look at your demeanor everything. I promise you, if you
do a little bit of digging, you will probably uncovered
that you're kind of fetching these kind of men because
I'm not meeting them.

Speaker 3 (22:44):
You know, I got a famous quote that went viral
when I posted it, and I said, whether you like
to admit it or not, you teach people how to
treat you. And I definitely believe that, and that can
if some of it's non verbal, like you said, it
could be your aura, it could be it could be
your demeanor, your language.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
Your how you respond to something literally even like what
you feed or give attention to. You know what I'm saying,
knowing how to cut off or or you know, just
disassociate with something that you're you're uninterested in. One of
my biggest strengths that I've seen, like in my dad
and life, if showing disinterest to things that I don't
approve of. When I see something that's inappropriate where I

(23:23):
feel like I don't like the way you talk to me,
I literally will start it out. I will not entertain
it at all. You would not get any attention, any
emotional and that is so that is grooming them to
be like, oh, I know, I can't play around. She
didn't take that baby, you know, And so I think
that come on, friend, get into the girl's chat, and
we got to work on this because I think there
are some other things, you know, definitely kind of going

(23:44):
on here. Okay, on to our second voicemail, entitled girlfriend
not wife? Should I move? Let's hear it.

Speaker 2 (23:54):
HI to see.

Speaker 4 (23:55):
First of all, I just want to say thank you
so much for everything that you do for the female
community as far as bringing us together, because if we
don't have each other's backs.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
Nobody will.

Speaker 4 (24:05):
I'm calling today because I'm dating my college sweetheart. Four
years ago, he moved out of our hometown to pursue
a job. I supported him on it one hundred percent,
but unfortunately because of that, we have been dating on
and off. But recently we've now been dating for a
whole year. Three years ago, he asked me to move

(24:28):
with him. I wasn't ready because I was working on
another degree and I just had a lot to work
on as a person individually. I just told him that
wasn't going to be possible then.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
But things have changed now.

Speaker 4 (24:41):
We've both matured in our lives and our careers, and
it's getting to the point where he's asking me again.
I love him, I know that he loves me, but
I am a traditional woman and it's frowned upon in
my community to move in with a man without that
ring security. But he is also a traditional man that

(25:07):
believes you shouldn't move in with a woman without you
shouldn't marry a woman without living with her first. I
just want to know if it would truly be worth
it to leave my career, my friends, my family, my businesses,
the life that I've built for myself back home since

(25:29):
he's left, for the possibility of, you know, being with
the man that I love. It's just it's a hard decision,
and I know that he's serious about it, and I
just want to know if it'll be worth it to
start over with this man with just simply a girlfriend title.

(25:50):
Let me know what you think. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (25:54):
I wonder when she said her college sweetheart moved away
four years ago. I really want to know how they are.
I think that that would matter to me.

Speaker 3 (26:03):
I know why yours can.

Speaker 1 (26:05):
Yeah, but I'm also a little bit concerned that it
was off and on before. So she said that they
matured a little bit. Anybody that knows me knows I'm
anti shocking up. I am thirty seven years old. I
have never lived with a man ever in my life,
and I I don't know. Times are Look, I want
my eggs cracked me and I want a child, so bitch,

(26:27):
I may I don't know. I don't know if I'm
holding on to that.

Speaker 4 (26:29):
Look.

Speaker 1 (26:29):
A man may call me tomorrow and I'd be like, Okay,
fucking let's do it. But I think that she says
she's a traditional woman, and then she's like, he's a
traditional man who doesn't believe in marrying a woman without
living with her first. And I do. I've heard that
a lot. I do get that. I do understand again,

(26:52):
I'm still a little bit concerned that they were rocky
before and now they are. Now they are in a
better place. I feel like I think I have a
lot of discernment. Let me say this, and I know
what it sounds like when a woman is like, I'm

(27:14):
going to be with my man, my man, my man,
and this is not it okay. And this is not
because she expressed her discontent or her her feeling like
she wasn't quite sure about it. It's not because of that.
It's it's it's literally because of like her tone and
her aura. I always say, it's not it's I'm listening

(27:37):
to what you did not say. If you tell me
that you're thinking about contemplating, you're contemplating going to move
down with a man, don't you think you would tell
me all the great things about this man, Ray, wouldn't
you be like, and you know we do day nights.
He flies in every two weeks to see me. We've
been making it work. You didn't say any of that,
and it could just be that you didn't add it.

(28:01):
But I'm telling you, when a woman is talking about
her man, okay, her man, she's gonna be like, this
is what we're doing this is what, And it's just
I'm just not really impressed. I think that I would
like to have heard more doting about this man having
wanting her to move down there, Like, you know, I

(28:22):
didn't feel secure with it, and it didn't sound like
quite that she that she felt secure with it. Also,
I do recognize the traditional component of this baby. I
always say, y'all, please now volunteer for an uphill battling problems.
I have seen it with my own two eyes. Families
that do not support because I have friends that are

(28:45):
Haitian that have gone through this very religious and they
gotta have the boyfriend and the fiance even up into
being engaged, that he living in the house and stuff
like that. It's just it's just it's a lot, you know.
I think that if he really is serious about this,
that he will also prepare the palace for you, you know,

(29:05):
like what is he leading you into? You know? I
think that that matters. This can't just be a move
down here. This is to be like, hey, babe, are
you looking for a job, like, you know, are you
have you found something down here yet? Like I know
a hair salon that's right next to you, Like what
prepare the palace, baby thrown out the carpet, as to

(29:26):
how you learn, what are you gonna bring me into?
And those will be more things that I'm concerned about. Now. Again,
I'm not somebody that's fond of shacking up, but I
you know, I understand that everybody's grown and doesn't really
apply to everybody. But I also will pay very close
attention to where is he taking you to? He's asking
you to come down there, what did he prepare? What

(29:48):
kind of environment did he prepare for you? Are y'all
gonna be moving now from a one bedroom to a
two bedroom which you need a closet because you need
a vanity room because you know, both of y'all clothes
gotta combine. Are y'all gonna be, you know, moving closer
to where your job will be? Like I just would
be like to see a little bit more planning and
not just like, okay, are you moving down here? You
know what I'm saying. I need you to be kind
of equally invested. What do you think about a man

(30:09):
asking a woman to move down?

Speaker 3 (30:11):
There were one hundred percent agree with you. I feel
like the reason why, don't get me wrong, like marriage
is from God. I think everybody should aim to get
married at least that's a disclaimer. So I don't think
she's wrong for wanting to get married. Now, my thing
is this right. I feel like because he's not, he's
too vague, because he's not letting her feel secure in

(30:31):
where she's moving to. Now, let's doep something right. When
old girl is at her parents home, if the dad's there,
especially my dad's got me. I'm okay, I'm okay. I
got my job, I got my girls, I got my friend,
I got my community, I got my dad, I got
my brothers, I got my whatever. Now, if I'm going
to leave this setup, it needs to be if not
the same better Hello. Now, if I'm talking to you

(30:56):
and you're my sweetheart and whatever, but what you're telling
me to come down doesn't sound the same and better.
It actually sounds scary. It sounds like what am I
coming to? I'm not leaving. So what I'm feeling here
is the reason why she's so pressed on the ring
is because it's like I need some sort of guarantee

(31:17):
from you because what you're saying to me is too vague.
I don't feel secure and leaving and.

Speaker 1 (31:21):
It started off shaky. They were off and on. When
they were off and on, off and on equals off.
And y'all know I always say that off and on
equals off. Also, please get in tell my saper girl chat.
I have so many horror stories. You know how I
feel about Collish Sweethearts College Sweethearts. I'm telling you it
takes the patience of mother Teresa to make something work.

(31:46):
When you all met at that young of age and
just growing in parallel together, you know, and so his
him moving and things becoming shaky. I just would like
to see a little bit more stability or you made
that move. And also just like, don't let anybody bully
you into something. I think that when a part of

(32:07):
the love and support that he could give you is
also the understanding of you know, I'm afraid of this.
This is I don't feel that secure. You know, I
don't quite know what this I have friends and family
they're like. That'll also show you a lot about who
he is, what his intentions are, and if he's actually

(32:28):
prepared to bring you down to his like don't play
with me, okay, leaving my friend's family, job, and all
this stuff, like, boy, you better have refrigerated better be
fool you know what I'm saying, like community exactly. Yeah,
make me feel welcome and really kind of plan playing

(32:48):
things out. So my verdict is I want to see
a little bit more from him. I want to see
a little bit more from him. And I also would
love to hear you. I think girl, the girl and
a woman, I will I know what it's like when
a woman speak about her man. I'm speaking about men
that I meant two weeks ago on Hinge in a
different kind of white baby, better than the way you

(33:08):
speaking about this man you've been you know, four years in.
You know, I would like to hear a little bit
more about just the dynamic of their relationship. So yeah,
I think I would like to see a little bit
more time. And I think that you how he handles
this and and you not moving what will tell you
a lot a lot about him.

Speaker 3 (33:28):
Don't you think it's it's interesting to hear this, right,
she wants a ring. My thing is you I've always
stood on this, marriage doesn't help relationships, will save relationships.
They magnify if it's good or bad. So my thing
is we can clearly see that there's some shakiness she's

(33:51):
even admitted that there's been some shakiness. So even despite that,
you can admit that there shakiness, we can feel the shakness.
I still want a ring. So my thing is, if
they're shaking us without the ring, what's the ring gonna do?
Because black weaves address it only magnifies. If the situation
is good without the ring, it's gonna magnify that. If
the situation is bad without the ring, it's gonna magnify.

(34:13):
Long story short, A ring is a magnifying glass. We
all know what that looks like, inspector mouls. That's what
the ring is. The ring is going to be a
magnifying glass. So if you ain't sure about where this
guy's taking you, that ring isn't gonna make him any
more sure. If he hasn't got you a community, A
hairdresser is a job. Ain't helping you on LinkedIn, ain't
making you feel welcome? Why do you think that ring's

(34:35):
gonna change that? Absolutely, you're asking for a ring from
a guy that maybe just can't.

Speaker 1 (34:39):
Do it, or asking from a ring from somebody who
a lot of times. I read something the other day
that said men will always do what's convenient for them first.
They will always do what benefits them first, right, and
then they'll figure the rest out. And so my thing is, like,
you know, maybe he taught of having it flown back

(35:02):
and forth. Maybe he want more direct access to the
intimacy and the physical connection.

Speaker 2 (35:06):
Right.

Speaker 1 (35:06):
Maybe you know, we don't really know his actual like
his maturity level and what his actual intentions are, And
a lot of times he could just be trying to
make things more convenient for him because now instead of
having a lie and cheat, he gotta go back and forth,
and it's like this long dices and a lot of
times that's just weighing on him, and that it may
not be out of love and adoration. It could just

(35:28):
be at of convenience and he thinks that being closer
to him is going to be more convenient for him,
for him in particular. So interesting, interesting, But again our
verdict is give it a little bit more time. We
want to see more from him, and put the wager
on his head. Tell him where am I coming to?
Where am I coming to? What have you prepared for me?

(35:50):
Let me know where you're going to be leading me to. Yeah,
let's see, we want to see more from him from him. Okay, okay,
on to our third smell. You're to see a voicemail
we have. Now that I'm smaller, he wants more.

Speaker 5 (36:07):
Okay, see dear Tiesia. I am a twenty four year old.
I was recently not recently, but I was two hundred
and seventy five pounds. I lost about one hundred pounds,
still in the process of losing more. And something that
I've noticed is that a lot of my male friends,
when I was heavier, the relationship is very platonic. But

(36:28):
now that I'm down in weight, I feel like I've
already lost so many but like I feel like it's
very it's turned very romantic, and it's made me very uncomfortable.

Speaker 6 (36:38):
So I guess my question is, do you think that
males and females can be friends like tlatonically? Because I
had I feel like I'm about to lose another one
of my male friends because he's been recently calling me
and just like the topic of discussion has been just
like he wants a girlfriend, and I've just been brushed

(37:00):
past and not really saying too much about it, and
like when he talks about it, the way he's describing
it is he's literally describing me. And I'm not trying
to sound like a narcissus. I'm talking He described my heritage,
my ethnicity, body type, skin color, and it just made
me really uncomfortable, Like I didn't really say anything like so,

(37:21):
I just don't know. Maybe it's me thing because I've
not been able to keep any of my male friends
now that I've gone down and wait, but yeah, do
you think that male and females can be friends platonically?

Speaker 1 (37:34):
I mean, I can't really think That's the true heart
of the question is I can't manage males and females
be friends platonically. Absolutely positively they can. However, this is
a whole other issue we're talking about. We're talking about
you losing one hundred pounds and now you are becoming

(37:54):
you're in a category where you're more attractive to men
that were close to you, and and I think that
that's just something that you have to acknowledge and accept. Literally,
you're now fitting more of the standard of beauty. That's
just that's just bottom line. This bottom line.

Speaker 4 (38:16):
You are now.

Speaker 1 (38:17):
Fitting into a different standard of beauty, and now there
will be far more men than not just find you
more attractive, want to and and want a piece of it,
and in all capacities, even just emotionally, you know, mentally
and emotionally because they also are are your friends and

(38:38):
they've seen you through through, you know, up and down,
you know, so they probably also want a piece of
you emotionally and mentally. But I think that that's just
a reality of her, her new her new life and
her new state. And it's honestly like welcome to the
doggy dog world of this womanhood ship where now it's like,

(38:58):
you know, conventionally, you know, you may have slipped under
the radar. Last week we had a or a couple
weeks ago, we had an episode about just you know,
being the fat friend and things like that, and being
overlooked and not being in, you know, in that center
of the beauty and people not being able to accept
you at that point. Now the dog and these men
are coming out. You know, they sniff They sniffed all

(39:21):
of that out. And also also also we talked about
this as well, a lot of times when you lose
the weight, the mentality is still the same, and when
men see that you've lost that weight, they also know
how you behaved and interacted when you were a larger person.
I think I've shared this story before. Growing up, my

(39:42):
mother was very overweight and she ended up getting away
lost surgery. And when we were when we would eat,
she would never eat with the family. But then I
would come upstairs to use the bathroom or something, and
I would see her eating at three o'clock in the morning.
And she ended up sharing with me that once she
had been public shamed for eating, because everybody's gonna be like, oh,

(40:02):
that's that's how you got that way anyway, And even
though she was one hundred and twenty pounds now, yeah,
her mentality was still the same. And a lot of
men can still smell the big girl mentality on you.
That was a people pleaser, that was codependent, that wanted
to be liked by everybody, that was the butt of
the joke, that let people disrespect them and laugh it off. Okay,

(40:26):
Like a lot of men can still smell that on you.
And so honestly, these men trying to get a test run,
they trying to get a test run. They now see
you in a little light, a different light, and they're
more intrigued about what's going on with you.

Speaker 4 (40:38):
Though.

Speaker 1 (40:39):
The thing is they sound like she ain't interested.

Speaker 3 (40:41):
The thing is you touch on a really good thing here.
I've never been to find when people say health, they
always differentiate physical and mental. What you've brought attention to
is you can get physical done. Clearly, she lost the weight.
If you're mental and in conjunction with the physical, you

(41:04):
still got work to do because she did get the
amazing body, and credit to her. But if your mind
is still the big girl, yeah, it's pointless because you
are going to still be a people pleaser. You still
are going to be that. I don't even like using
the word big girl. You know your old self mentally,
and that's what men look for. They go for the mind.
They manipulate the narcissists or whatever these things are with

(41:24):
the mind. So if you've still got the same mentality,
you're still gonna get the same results. But the biggest
thing for me that I heard that triggered me is this,
My male friends are asking me and they're changing the
way they talk to me. Whatnot. She then opened and said,
I'm telling you me and you know are notot listening.
But I never said anything to him. You see that there.
If your friend oversteps the line by now getting sexual

(41:47):
with you, or letting you know I'm interested in you
in that way. Is he not saying anything? You might
as well sayd yes, oh say that because the boundary
needs to be said. If I am friends with a female,
because there's free we're friends, me and you are friends.
And if I random me wake up and it's like
hey baby boo, Ray, I'm not gonna look. I'm not
gonna be at high to see y'all. The minute I've

(42:07):
done that, I'm letting to see you know that we
can go there. But if I say to see you
you okay, yeah, right, since when and you might even
turn around out a shame and say, Surrey, I go
to hang over, I'm a bit tipsy, okay because that
was a bit weird. Then to see your nose.

Speaker 1 (42:22):
I can't do that with Ray against exactly.

Speaker 3 (42:25):
But if you send me hey bu Ray and I
go hey boo back right, But then I'm expecting then
I go and tell my friends or podcast my friend
to see is hitting on me.

Speaker 4 (42:35):
Duh, right, right.

Speaker 1 (42:37):
But that's like to your point, that's the byproduct of
the physical changing and the mental non changing. Because I
can guarantee you at two hundred and seventy five pounds.
She let a lot of shit slide in her life.
She let a lot of men make sexual innu windows
that were disrespectful and disgusting, and she didn't say anything.
That is just programming. And the mind got to match

(42:57):
the body. Now, this is just a running thing of
a lot lot of women that have lost weight. I'm
telling you the mind has to match, it has to match.
And I think she should just really do some self
discovery about setting boundaries. And that's that's a very good point.
Why you ain't saying up to this man yet? He
calling you talking about something? Yeah, you know, I love
men that wear black jeans and a black hoodie and

(43:18):
a black hat with Jordan's ohn. Yeah, uh huh. Why
why you haven't said a why you have Why haven't
you said something like, bro, is you cool? Hey?

Speaker 3 (43:27):
I told you the real truth. She's lost the weight,
but the big girl in her that wanted the attention,
I'm finally getting it. So as much as I should
be saying no to you, there's a part of the
cute little girl and me. He's like, tell me more. Yeah,
So you just go up be honest with yourself.

Speaker 1 (43:44):
Yeah, and honestly too, and This is honestly, this is
girl to girl, somebody who has struggled with body. This
Morpa's somebody whose weight has fluctuated. And I mean, I've
been at a comfortable way I've been at wait till
I wasn't comfortable with. Right, girl, welcome to the ugly
side of the of being a woman. And not that
you have never experienced that, but it's a different it's

(44:06):
a different category right where you become the look that
men want, the look that men are interested in. They
don't just want to abuse and use and use up. Right, Like, girl,
you're ready to be exhausted, and I hope that you're
doing some, like I said, some mental health work and

(44:27):
just really kind of building yourself up, because girl, now
you're about to see a whole, a whole other side,
you know, and not all of it is good, you know, Yeah,
most of it ain't.

Speaker 3 (44:38):
Yeah, that's where you have to set the boundaries.

Speaker 1 (44:41):
Yeah, you're right about that. She should have been said something.

Speaker 3 (44:43):
If you have best friends that saying describing her and
saying he wants to do this to her and do
that to her. You just laughing off and not saying anything.
You basically said, keep.

Speaker 1 (44:53):
Going Also, you know they always say, how does a
man treat a woman that he not attracted to?

Speaker 2 (44:58):
Huh?

Speaker 1 (44:59):
You saw how he treated you when he wasn't attracted
to you. You never got any of that. You never
got no boobab nothing like that, right right? You know
what I'm saying, did he have that same adoration Karen? Concern?
What was he calling you? You know what I'm saying,
Stay away from people like that exactly, especially when he's
trying to now move out of the friend zone into
something else that's also girl. And let me say this,

(45:21):
I've seen this movie before. Do not pass go, do
not collect two hundred dollars? Okay, I played this game.
These are this type of man, the man that will say, like,
you know all my life, like I believe you know
you We've always been friends. I always loved your personality,
you know, we just never got the opportunity. Let's explore
this now, and you're gonna get this man a chance,
and he's gonna be a nightmare from hell. Okay, he's

(45:42):
gonna be the person that you you never knew he
could be. Okay, because he's not in a friend category anymore.
Now you have expectations of him now you, and it's
just really honestly not a good good idea. I think
you should practice take standing up for yourself and saying
something like, yo, what's up. I don't like this, I'm interested,
and I don't like you, you know, and see how

(46:03):
he maneuvers yep. I love that period period period. Okay,
So now we're on to our bitch You Smell Good segment. Okay,
so this episode we're actually featuring an oil. Okay, first
of all, let me tell you about Brown Sugar Babe
or Brown Sugar Babe. I have been repping this company
for so long. I am absolutely obsessed with these oils.

(46:26):
I have no lie, probably about fifty to seventy of
these oils in my closet. I love Brown Sugar Babe.
I have been repping now before I had a brand deal,
before I had any type of connections with them. And
this is non sponsored by the way I eat Brown
Sugar Babe, call me girl. This fragrance, in particular is
my Tribeca and this is modeled after Bond number nine

(46:53):
Tribeca and I brought the fragrance because I actually had
the fragrance to the oil and they have other ones
that are modeled after like Delina Exclusive or you know
things like that. So I actually have this fragrance which
is modeled after which is my which is von Um
nine Tribeca. But anyways, if y'all never smell by number nine,

(47:14):
my Bond number nine Tribeca, it is actually, I think
a more.

Speaker 4 (47:21):
It is a more.

Speaker 1 (47:23):
Sophisticated version of Mason's Francis Kirk John the Bacca Rot. Okay,
it's actually I always tell people, if you feel like
they thought it out, Bacca Rot, get my get Tribeca
from Bond number nine, okay, and this oil is gonna
do nothing but amplify it. It's just so good. If
you are a Bacca Rot girl and you want to

(47:46):
just switch the profile up a little bit, I'm telling you.
I'm telling you, first of all, get this oil it's
called My Tribecca by Brown Sugar Babe, and then get
the von number nine Tribecca. The combos together, it's absolutely see.
This is actually a new bottle that I got from
their brand. I had purchased this oil before, but anyways,

(48:06):
it is just so good. I don't know if they
have the notes that's on here, but again, if you
were a baccarad girly and you wanna you still like
that that fragrance profile, but you want something a little
bit more mature and sophisticated. I'm telling you it will
give you remniscens. This is like a cousin of Baccarat,
but I personally think it's more sophisticated, hence why I

(48:29):
have it in my in my collection. And please go
ahead and check out. Go go to the website, Okay,
and get the my Tribeca oil to layer under the fragrance. Okay, y'all,
the combination is just so good. Shout out to Brown
Sugar Baby. They just took us to see Beyonce in Atlanta.
I'm still not over jay Z coming out two days
after I left. I went to the show on a Thursday.

(48:53):
That men came out on Saturday, and I'm never gonna
be over real, Okay, I miss jay Z by two days. Y'all,
so close, so close, so close. But anyways, shout out
to Brown Sugar Babe. These oils are absolutely incredible. Write
us in the comments and let us know if y'all
want to know what my favorite Brown Sugar Babe oils are.

(49:15):
Onto our Red Flag Report okay, not my kid, not
my problem. Who I remember this one? In a viral
Instagram clip, a woman explains that she bought dinner only
for herself and her biological children, leaving out her step son.
She justifies it by saying that her children are her

(49:38):
responsibility and her stepson is not. When her husband confronted
her about it, she pushed back, saying she assumed he'd
feed his own son. She compares the situation to being
at a park and not expecting others to share fool
with your kids. She ends by saying she birth seven

(50:00):
children and they're the only one she feels she's responsible for.
Let me say this, Okay, I was gonna, I was
gonna fol for myself, but I don't go.

Speaker 2 (50:13):
This is my shit.

Speaker 1 (50:14):
Okay, your disgrace of a wife. Okay, your disgrace. Okay,
your disgrace of a wife, and honestly, your husband probably
feels embarrassed and the shame that he married you. Okay,
you have skipped over the vital things that literally is

(50:34):
why a man would marry a woman. You're talking about empathy, nurturing, patience, kindness, generosity,
all of the things that literally am even helping him
raise his children. You knew he had a kid when
he not just basic humanity you have your your motherly

(50:56):
instinct only activates when it's on your own children, you know.
And honestly, something maybe maybe I don't know when the
kid came, but maybe she felt some type of bitterness
before about about the kid kid being around or whatever.
But honestly, it's really a disgrace and it's really a shame.
And I'm gonna tell you this, Men handle that type

(51:19):
of stuff a lot differently, Okay, this type of betrayal,
and it's an emotional betrayal. It's a a betrayal in
your actual union and covenant, right, And I'm telling you
that your man, for the rest of his life will
be laying next to you bitch mad that he ever

(51:40):
met you. I'm telling you this is like literally a
betrayal of an actual covenant, right, because when a man
gets on one knee and he says you, not her,
not her, not her, not all the millions of girls
in the world, I want you, and you didn't act
it up like this where you want you fee need
a child. This man, literally, he will always have a

(52:06):
wandering eye, his heart will always wonder he will never
be settled in the marriage with you, and there's nothing
that you can do to take this back. So I
hope you're happy.

Speaker 3 (52:16):
Yeah, No, I have nothing to say.

Speaker 1 (52:19):
I hope that a man is never going to forget
this and a child.

Speaker 3 (52:24):
I think there's If I was to say anything, because
you said it word for word, I don't. I think
there's a bigger problem here. He's lost who she is
because as like you said, as a woman, you are naturally,
by God's given right, being given the fact to nurture
and have empathy. The fact that she hasn't. You don't
feed a child you've been something's happened to your desensitized,

(52:47):
You're traumatized. There's something chemically wrong here, mentally wrong here,
because to watch your child not eat while you're seven
other ones do. There's a bigger issue here. There's something
wrong with her.

Speaker 1 (52:59):
I think it's something to do with the dynamic of the.

Speaker 3 (53:02):
Husband and was made or the time it was conceived,
if there was some infidelity. But even for me, it's
that's the problem you need to have with your husband.
It's an innocent childhead.

Speaker 1 (53:13):
But also what I'm what I meant more so, is
that sometimes a woman will marry you and come into
your life or want to be with you based only
on your bubble, the bubble that you and that person
can create, how you're gonna travel together, the family's trig
gonna be. And they'll say they'll accept the kids, but

(53:34):
they never imagine the family together and blended. And so
I feel like she loved and cared about him and
wanted to marry him and had excluded any other things
that was a part a part of his life. You know,
she created a life with him based off of what
they You know, am I seven freaking children?

Speaker 2 (53:56):
Girl?

Speaker 1 (53:56):
First of all, you already got a shelter, You already
got them orphanage. Okay, you got seven damn kids, and
you up here talking about some you can't feed one
of them, I'm telling you, but I'm serious, like the
deepest issue right And let me say this, Okay, it's
women like you that give us a bad rap. Let

(54:16):
me tell you this that the one day that you
don't work out with this man, okay, and this man
now is releasing to the general public, is women like
you that have treated him like this. That good women, Okay,
women that are emotionally available, stable and ready to submit
to a man is going to meet a bitter, cold

(54:37):
hearted man because of you.

Speaker 3 (54:39):
Trust issues.

Speaker 1 (54:40):
He got trust issues. Okay, He's broken, his heart is tattered.
And it's women like you that really make it hard
for us. And we do not talk about that a lot,
you know, we do not talk about the women that
are out here griming, okay, that are distorting men's reality
of women. And then we the single women who have

(55:03):
no kids are meeting the divorce Derek's okay, and we're
meeting them. And they got all these stipulations, they got
all these rules, they stuck in their ways. They talking
about what they not gonna do. Why because you, friend,
have decided to not nurture and starve out his child, right,
you know what I'm saying. It makes a man doubt

(55:24):
all of these things because most of the time. Now,
I know, it's a lot of interesting things on the
internet with women proposing, but typically the man is the one.
Typically the man is the one proposing. That's a big
decision for him to make. Imagine marrying a woman that
won't accept or feed your child. He is never gonna
get over it. And now when he enters into society,

(55:46):
because I promise you that this marriage won't last.

Speaker 3 (55:49):
Yeah, no, I agree, but I definitely think and I'm trying.
I'm going to be honest. I've been only trying this
for the lost year. I'm trying to whenever I hear anything,
I'm trying to always not look at it for what
it is and asks why, Because for a woman to
do that and not feed the one child out of
the seven, we have to ask why. And it's not

(56:11):
to justify it, because it's wrong, but let's have an
understanding of grace. Now for me, it's this right. If
you down, deep down, go into her past, whatever there
could be, hypothetically by the way, there could be something
where she's had a step mom and it was normalized
to her, or she's had someone that's coming and home
wrecked hers, or had a stepsister that was the favorite child.

(56:32):
And not to say it's justified, but something in her
has believed that this what she's doing is okay. And
that's come from Ray is very mature.

Speaker 1 (56:41):
I'm not that damn mature. Okay. If I want, if
a man trying to starve out my kid, him and
everybody can fucking go okay. Ray is clearly way more
mature than me. Okay, because I'm not their god damn mature.
I don't want to dig and find out what happened
in your past and your mama and a step swister
or nothing like. Okay, I'm not that damn mature.

Speaker 3 (57:03):
Check the beauty of this, though, all right, Check the
beauty of this. Hurt people, hurt people, right, It's not
just the Instagram per caption. It's not just a real
that I've done. It's not a caption. It's a real thing.
Hurt people, hurt people. So and like I said to you,
as much as I've made a disclaimer, I've only started
practicing a year. I'm thirty five, do you know what

(57:23):
I mean? So I've done thirty four years of thinking. Nah,
but I've realized, especially I'm trying to get closer to God.
Give grace, but give grace of understanding. Like for a
woman who's been birthed as a nurturer to not do that,
Let's question it. Let's not ridicule her, let's not throw
the stones, and let's not you know, let's really question it.
Why did you do this? Not saying it's justified, but

(57:45):
let's have an understanding. And it comes down to the
husband as well. And I loved what you said in
our previous episode. Sometimes ask yourself your contribution to this,
because it's never one hundred percent of someone else's fault.
Even if it's one percent of contribution, it's still a contribution.
My thing is this, when you was marrying this woman,
Your wife doesn't randomly just turned non maternal. It's not possible. Yeah,

(58:06):
you don't wake up one day. You've been a great
friend to me. You ain't gonna randomly just say I
don't like it nor more. Ray, I'm gonna be the
worst enemy. There has to be something if I have
the patience and the grace to be like to see her.
You switched up on me. As long as I've known,
You've been great. The first day I met you. Know
what you said to me, Ray, You've just moved to
this country. I'm giving you cutlery. I'm coming to your
house right now, and I'm going to give you some cutlery.

Speaker 2 (58:27):
Now.

Speaker 3 (58:27):
Imagine now, months later, years later, I'm messaging you. You're
airing me out. You're being rude to me. That didn't
happen overnight. I have to have the patience to be
like to see her. What happened? Ray, Do you know
what happened? There was one time I reached out to you.
I was near your house. It was late night. I
saw your lights so on. I called you because someone
was following me and I was in danger and I

(58:48):
needed you as a friend. I saw your lights on
and you let me ring it. I could hear your
phone ringing and your lights on, but I could hear
you having a great time with your partner, with your friends.
You left me outside that day, and that's why I've
cut you off. And that's why I mean to you.
Doesn't mean it's justified why it means to you, But
there is a contribution for me. Why to see a
changed on me? So he has to question when I

(59:10):
was marrying this woman or courting her or scanning her,
did I see a maternal side to her? Because she
didn't wake up and just not feed the children. There's
something that happened or you. You turned the blind eye
to you. But maybe she's giving you good q chie.
Maybe she's feeding you well. Sometimes we get blinded and
the red flags coming. It's like I never saw this coming.

Speaker 1 (59:29):
Yes she did did, But you know what you said,
give grace and My saying is give grace, but put
them in a place you don't. I can give you
grace and put you right in that fourth row. Okay,
you don't get right, you know what I'm saying. And
I feel like I don't know. I think that sometimes

(59:51):
we have overhealed and everybody's trying to be so damn deep,
and it's sometimes it just take like baseline stuff. Now, grant,
this is a union and a marriage, and I think
that things should be handled a little differently. But I mean,
I don't know. Again, maybe I need to go pay
the lady a little bit more. But I feel like
I would have a hard time trying to dig for

(01:00:12):
the why as to why my wife a mother of
seven and I probably have given her half or more
of those seven children. It's now depriving my child of food.
I would have a hard time trying to figure.

Speaker 3 (01:00:26):
Out the why on that one, and I did. I'm
trying to mature.

Speaker 1 (01:00:31):
I'm trying to I'm trying to Okay, what I got
work there?

Speaker 3 (01:00:34):
Right, we will do, we will do. But there is
there is something that there I can.

Speaker 1 (01:00:39):
Agree with that. Now again, there's something there. Whether I'm
already and willing to explore is another thing. Sometimes I
think things are just really too deep. And again, you know,
this is like my preparation and like being a wife,
and I know that I have to have like just
a little bit more aware with all in depth because

(01:00:59):
I'm just like dog, I'm not willing to go there
with you. And I know there's gonna be hard times
and things like that, but it's just like some things
be not everybody play like that. Some things be your baseline.
The real thing about this is that I feel like
this man is his heart. I'm not sure if it's
gonna recover. You can go and find out the why

(01:01:20):
and be like, oh, yeah, you know you've seen this before.
It's just like okay, yeah, you dropped the plate and
it broke, you know, and it's like you said you sorry,
but that the pieces jump back together. No, they still
shatter on the floor. And I feel like, yeah, I
could find out that your mama lost your kids and
you went in foster care and you was you know,

(01:01:40):
abused as a child and all this stuff, and that's
why you're treating my kid like that. But the pieces
of the plate didn't jump back together, you know. And again,
maybe like I gotta go pay the lady some more, y'all.
I don't know, but I ain't that. I ain't that
mature though, you're right.

Speaker 3 (01:01:53):
You're right, And like I said, I did think like this.
I told you, do you want to know the rual tree?
Why I stopped? And I did mature? First of all,
I became a life coach. You have to, you have
to start looking at things deeper. But away from a
life coach. I'll tell you a quick story. There was
a porno star that they've done a documentary on her before,
and she has children, she has four. She's not a
porn of star anymore, but her children not getting ridiculed,

(01:02:15):
and they wanted to find out, like you was doing
this for good twenty years. Why and naturally when I
was in my judgmental stage and my immature stage, I
was like, why would you pick that career? You know
so judgment you know how we are. The documentary opened up.
You know what she said to the average person, whether
they're Jehovah in this, whether they're Muslim, whether they're Christian,
they've been taught their whole life sex before marriage, even

(01:02:35):
though people don't do it, that's what they've been told.
She said, I was raised my mother and my dad
was never in the picture. My mother, every single night
when I was a teenager, would go out on a Friday.
In the UK, we have a thing called pub. It's
like where you go and drink. Right, what would you
call it here? Maybe just a bar? Yeah, every Friday.
Her mother would bring home a new guy from the
pub every single Friday. So you can imagine if your

(01:02:58):
Jehovah's witnessed or you're Muslim Christian, you only see your
parents together, and you only see sex with marriage people,
and you're always taught sex before marriage. She said, sex
for her was something you do on Friday with multiple men.
Our first teachers, whether we like it or not, is
your parents. Facts like, you can go to all the
schools in the world, but your first teacher or head

(01:03:18):
master is your parent, and they teach you unconsciously. It's
your learned behaviors, good, all bad. Now imagine being twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen and your first experience of sex that's coming from
your parent. Your first teacher is every Friday, I will
sleep with multiple men and I will just hear it
while I'm sleeping. I would just hear a good time.
That person. I'll never see them again, and I'll see

(01:03:40):
another one Dave, Ben Henry whatever. Now. She then said
in this documentary, I'm now an adult. My mum was
doing this for free. Sex was never valuable to me.
It was never a covenant to me. It was something
you do for fun on a Friday, and I can
get paid for this. I was like, Wow, here's me

(01:04:02):
judging you because you was a porno star. But I'm
judging you because I was raised as a Christian. I
was raised at sex before marriage. I wasn't my mother
wasn't bringing in Tom Dick, Harry Henry, whatever. So I'm
judging you because my upbringing, it wasn't normal. She was
normalized that sex is for fun and my mom is
doing it for free, so then I can then go

(01:04:22):
and get paid. Remember porno stars, I don't know why
I know this, They get paid very well. So it's
like I can get paid for and my mom was
doing for free. And it's not that I agree with
it now, but I understood the why.

Speaker 2 (01:04:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:04:35):
So now she's married her husband, he's given her that
grace because he knows you ain't a porno star and
doing wrong because you're consciously doing it. You genuinely thought
this was normal.

Speaker 4 (01:04:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:04:46):
Yeah, So it matured me to be like, understand someone's story,
understand someone's wiring before you make judgment on them. But yeah,
I dropped the mic there.

Speaker 1 (01:05:00):
And raise a lot more mature than I. I just
wouldn't got any But also I think just the last
thing I'm gonna say about this is that you know,
I always say that everybody has like a panel abundance
behind their heart, and it's about how you grew up,
triggers from when you were a child, the way that

(01:05:20):
you were treated, how your parents parented you, the experiences
you had in sportsmen in school all and there's like
you have like a dashboard, and there are things that
people do in your life that are gonna press and
light them up in a good or bad way, right,
Like things that you can be like wow, like, well,
you know, my dad never kept his promises, but my
husband does and so that's a special thing for you,

(01:05:43):
right Or like you make me feel invisible, and that's
how I felt as a child, And so I'm telling
this child shit where it triggered the hell out of me.
I don't know how much Grace I could have given okay,
because I know what it's like to be the child
skipped over. I know what it's like and you have
I'm telling you not. I say this all the time,
and it's summer deeper. Not everybody play like that. You

(01:06:05):
don't know what button on the dash you're pressing with me,
you know what I'm saying, and you gotta you gotta
watch it. You know, you don't know what buttons you're
pressing with people. You don't know everything that they've been through.
You don't know how you're triggering them, and that is
it's my job to what triggers you controls you. So
it's my job to work on this. But I'm gonna
tell you this, A starving a kid.

Speaker 3 (01:06:27):
See, let me say something to your else. You said
right now is triggering because you know what it feels
like to be the you know, the odd one out
or whatever, right, And I love that. There's a saying.
It's called the Drunken Father's mythology. A father who was
an alcoholic had two boys twins. One never touched alcohol
because he saw what it done to his family home.
He never touched it, and one was carbon copy of

(01:06:49):
his dad. Now It's a beautiful analogy because it's triggered
you and I know, by the grace of God, how
you are as a friend to me, how you how
you conduct yourself. I know you're going to be a
phenomenal mother, but you're gonna do this. It's a deep one.
Sometimes the most giving people in life are giving. Do
you know why they're trauma bonding? They know how it
feels to not be loved, so they've ensured themselves. I

(01:07:10):
will never let another child go through what I went through,
and that's the good way. But like I said about
the drunken the drunken dad technology, you got someone that
will never touch alcohol because he knows the effects. And
you know someone that will only touch alcohol because that's
his norm. Now to me and you, I would never
do that to a child because I've been neglected before.
So I'm with you. I'm on that side, right. So

(01:07:31):
we're the one that's never going to drink alcohol. But
then there's somebody that it's I've been neglected. I know
what that feels like. That is my norm and it's
the grace.

Speaker 1 (01:07:40):
Okay, right, checking a male for your service, I'll send
you checking a male for your services all right, God damn,
all right, I'm gonna give a little more grace. Okay,
maybe maybe the woman going through.

Speaker 3 (01:07:54):
Something, right, that's that. Thank you, Keith Pleasure.