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In this episode of Dear Tisia, the questions hit hard and the stories are even harder to believe. One caller is struggling with a shift in her relationship dynamic—her boyfriend, who’s always paid for everything, now wants her to offer to contribute. Is this a red flag or just a healthy boundary? Another woman from Colorado opens up about being labeled “too friendly” since moving to the DMV. Can you be warm and approachable without being mistaken for a flirt? We also get a heartbreaking call from a sister worried about her sibling re-entering a dangerous relationship after finding out her boyfriend slapped her—again. Should she intervene, or will that push her sister away? And finally… a viral story that has everyone talking. A woman stands by her man after he gets shot by the boyfriend of the woman he cheated with. With a baby at home and three other women at the hospital—she still chose to stay. Would you? Drop your thoughts in the comments. Let’s talk about it.
🩷Fragrance: Nishane - Fan Your Flames Extrait de Parfum
Call In Here: https://www.relationshiprestored.com/deartisiawrite-in
🔔 Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share with someone who needs to hear this.
In this episode of Dear Tisia, the questions hit hard and the stories are even harder to believe. One caller is struggling with a shift in her relationship dynamic—her boyfriend, who’s always paid for everything, now wants her to offer to contribute. Is this a red flag or just a healthy boundary? Another woman from Colorado opens up about being labeled “too friendly” since moving to the DMV. Can you be warm and approachable without being mistaken for a flirt? We also get a heartbreaking call from a sister worried about her sibling re-entering a dangerous relationship after finding out her boyfriend slapped her—again. Should she intervene, or will that push her sister away? And finally… a viral story that has everyone talking. A woman stands by her man after he gets shot by the boyfriend of the woman he cheated with. With a baby at home and three other women at the hospital—she still chose to stay. Would you? Drop your thoughts in the comments. Let’s talk about it.
🩷Fragrance: Nishane - Fan Your Flames Extrait de Parfum
Call In Here: https://www.relationshiprestored.com/deartisiawrite-in
🔔 Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share with someone who needs to hear this.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Okay, y'all, welcome back to Dear to See a This
is our eighth episode, y'all, and it really feels like
I've been here.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
For so long.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
That means y'all have been coming back. The show has
been evolving, and we just been really doing some good stuff.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
So we have a couple of subscription reminders, and that
is to follow the Dear to See a Podcast on
Apple and Spotify, leave a five star review now, one,
not two, not four, y'all, five star review because I
know y'all loving the show, and then subscribe to the
Relationship Restore and Dear to See a YouTube channel. We
have some goals that we want to meet and that
(00:44):
is fifty thousand followers on Apple Podcasts, one thousand reviews
because we hit five hundred already. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, add the little clapping clip. Okay, thank you,
thank you, thank you, and then we want to have
one hundred thousand subscribers on both channels. So we're only
getting started. I know what's up from here. We are
switching things up. So we're switching things up based on
(01:05):
the feedback, and we love when you all give us feedback.
We love when y'all write us comments, and so we're
gonna be doing more of the dear to see a
call ins and just one or two hot topics. So
less of the hot topics and more of the dear
to see a call in. So please use the link
to submit your submission if you want to call into
the show. And then y'all know our Fragrance State segment
(01:26):
is here to stay because Bat, you smell goodness one
of my favorite things to do. Okay, So our peanut
gallery here is Ray. We have Ray here with us
and raise our first mail on the show. This is
so exciting because y'all know it's a girl's girls world
over here, so I had to be very particular, okay
about the men I'll let in our space. And you
know it's so funny, Ray, because my secret girls chat
(01:49):
is specifically to keep men out of our business. This
is why I started a subscription chat offline so that
I can keep the girls hip and just give them
all of the tips without men watching us. Because I
feel like we just needed our own secret space. So
you coming in here as a big deal. This is
a big deal. That means I trust you a lot.
(02:12):
And so Ray is a life coach and funny. I
always held our guests always tell the audience like how
I met the guests that we have on the Peanut Gallery.
And so I have a friend that I met in
Ghana and he shared with me that you were moving
to the US and that you were also into podcasting
and that we should connect, and so we've been locked
down every since. Ray has an amazing podcast. He has
(02:34):
a great platform, and I think he has a great
level headed perspective that'll be a good entry way to
letting me in and our bsments. Okay, so there's Dan,
Welcome Ray, everyone you. So we're gonna do our first
listener review and that is so I think it's our end.
Cat Rock said Bomb love the show now. I look
(02:55):
forward to new episodes every week. I've listened to them
all while driving to work, to working out, etc. Keep
going to see you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I don't know if y'all know how much it means
to me that y'all actually listening to my podcast and
giving reviews and feedback and just make writing comments and everything.
It really means the world to me, and I don't
take those things for granted. So thank you, Thank you,
(03:16):
thank you are in cat Rot. Okay, So now we're
going to go into our first dear to see a
voicemail and the topic is he wants me to offer to.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Pay dear to see.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now.
We've never done fifty to fifty. He's always taken great
care of me. And recently though, he's come to me
and has said that he wants me to start offering
to pay for things. For example, if we're doing the
weekend trip together, he wants me to offer to pay
(03:50):
for gas. I asked him why, like where this was
coming from, and he said that my thank yous or
not enough for him. And he said that he wouldn't
even necessarily take my offer. It's just the idea that
kind of does it for him. I'm struggling with this
(04:11):
because I don't know. I guess I would only offer
a dimenta type of thing. Yeah, I'm just a little
unsure how to move forward, especially because in the past,
like I said, it hasn't been this way.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
I think that personally, the problem that he's presenting is
not actually the problem. I think that it's more so
a lack of appreciation even like a disconnection, a disconnect
with with chemistry and.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
With chemistry and romance.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Like I feel like this, what he's saying he would
want her to do is not actually the issue.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
What do you what do you think? What are you thinking?
Speaker 5 (04:55):
When I heard that? The first thing I'm hearing is
he thinks he knows what he wants, but she doesn't.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
That he thinks he knows what he wants.
Speaker 5 (05:05):
Thinks he's saying what he wants.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I don't think that offering to pay for the gas
is going to make him feel valued. I think that
there's like a lack of connection, a lack that he's
not feeling appreciated, or that there's there are other things
that she could be doing that I think, honestly, are
like a little bit more feminine that I think will
go a long way. Like you want a woman to
(05:30):
pay for the gas?
Speaker 5 (05:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (05:33):
No, I totally agree.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, Like there's something else going on here, And I
feel like, you know, maybe he's just not feeling you know,
maybe verbal affirmations, Maybe he's not feeling appreciated, Like I
think that she could say thank you in so many
more ways. And I always tell women this your currency
in life is not financial, and when a man is
(05:55):
looking for that type of appreciation, I don't think it's
in the old You could pay the utility bill, you
could pay for the gas, you can pay for It's
just like, Babe, you know you came from for work.
I realize you that meal prep. I cooked your food,
you know, just filling in the gaps. And I feel
like what he's asking her for is also like built
up frustration, and he's kind of like nagging her. It's like, oh,
(06:19):
you need to do something. But I don't really think
that that is what he what's really going on. I
would actually kind of recommend that they have like a
nice dinner day out and really do like an audit
of the relationship, like what is it that you're feeling?
What things could I be doing better? Because I don't
think there's a money issue at all.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
I don't know what do you What are your thoughts on.
Speaker 6 (06:41):
My thoughts on this is.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
Men are simple as much as we were.
Speaker 6 (06:47):
We're told that we're not simple.
Speaker 5 (06:48):
Were genuinely are simple creatures, right, and you hear on
the now sometimes it's little justice, like baby, you come
back from work, I want to run your ball for you. Now,
the thing is, as much as men are simple creatures,
I feel like with women, women like big gestures. It's
just the way it is Valentine's Day. They want a
thousand roses.
Speaker 6 (07:05):
You know, women like big things. Men like simple things.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
But the problem is sometimes with us is as humans,
we love our partners in our love language. Yeah, when
really you're meant to love your partner in their love language. Now,
if a woman who wants big gestures automatically thinks I
need to romanticize my partner with big gestures. So what
happens is the disconnect beautiful word, and as you said,
(07:29):
the disconnectors.
Speaker 6 (07:31):
He wants the small gestures.
Speaker 5 (07:32):
I e. Going on the road trip, babe, I'm going
to do us a little pack lunch because that will
save us having to stop five hundred times. If I
just do a little sandwich, whatever, whatever, that's a small
gesture that he will appreciate.
Speaker 6 (07:44):
But because she's not doing the small.
Speaker 5 (07:46):
Gestures, he's just copped out, maybe because he's not confident
or he doesn't know her enough and said that rather
you pay for it's a cop out. Paying for the
gas is easy, when really you could have just packed
my help me pack my suitcase.
Speaker 6 (07:58):
You could have put the oldrin in.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
You know, us guys, we figure get little little things.
Speaker 6 (08:01):
It could have been like.
Speaker 5 (08:01):
Just checking baby, you got everything. They are just doing
O pat lunch. But because he's not confident enough, or
the chemistry is not there, or the disconnects not that
he can't actually express what it is. I actually would
prefer small di gestures. So the easiest thing to do
is be paid for the guests.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I think you're a spot on one with that.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I think he also lacks communication skills to be able
to really communicate that he's feeling invisible, he's feeling the value,
he's feeling unappreciated, and like you said, now it's more
like tangible transactional things because those are actually low value,
and it takes an emotional depth to be able to
say like, hey, I don't feel like you value me.
(08:41):
I don't feel appreciated, I feel overlooked sometimes, I feel
taken advantage of. I feel all these things right, And
I think that that takes a level of emotional depth
because really what's also important in this is that in
the beginning of relationship for over a year, where he
has always paid for everything, so now I think he's yeah,
you know, like, and I think it's also women's it's
(09:05):
women's responsibility to know your partner, right. And I think
we are always looking at what a man could do.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
For us, right.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
And I never forgot this, you know, growing up my mom,
she just was always a servant of life.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
I went to school on a community service.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Scholarship, and we would always talk like just to serve everybody,
Like even if you go to a party, a birthday party,
your cousin's party, you the cleanup crew. You stay to
help clean up, like we I've just always been raised
like that. And she used to always say, ask your partner,
what is it that I can do for you today?
How can I help your day runs more smooth today?
And I think that as women, we are just socialized
(09:44):
to be in a receiving energy because like the man
come and gets you, he's supposed to sweep you off
your feet, he's prince charming, and a lot of us
get caught up slipping because our men are getting like
they're getting just kind of closed out, like they're getting
frozen out, and we're not able to really tap in
and understand what they need, you know, I don't think
(10:05):
we have we're that's not our strongest suit to really
be like, you know, what is it that my partner
is looking for? And I think sometimes as women you
have to like recalibrate because your man is crying out
for help. He's crying out for help, and one day
it's gonna be gas and the next day it's gonna
be keisha. Okay. It's like the first time it's gonna
be like, hey, can you pay for this? And the
(10:25):
next thing, you know, he gonna have girls on this phone.
Speaker 7 (10:28):
You know.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
It's really the way that men communicate their insecurities. Their
lack of appreciation is just much different. I'll never forget.
We were at a conference and one of the guys said,
he's like the way that men cheat. He's like, it's
that girl at the front desk of the gym that's like,
you got.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
A new haircut today. Wow, those are new shoes.
Speaker 6 (10:50):
How do you like?
Speaker 3 (10:51):
I was thinking about buying those.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
And it's just it's real under like, you know, it's
real slow and creep up on you.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
And so girl, you better be listening to him. Okay.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
I think that you should have a deeper conversation with him.
About what you could actually offer him and how he's
truly feeling. Because it doesn't sound like he's able to
really communicate that. I think you need to pull it out.
It's not about money, it's not about gas, it's not
about paying for things, groceries or anything like that. I
think he may be burnt out and you could honestly
(11:20):
check yourself. You may not actually be showing as much
appreciation as you as you should for your partner. So yeah,
I think it's a crime for help. Like I said, girl, first,
it's gonna be gas, NeXT's gonna be Keisha, so check.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
Just to add to that, I do think his communication
skills because the reality is they've been seeing each other
for a year. Yeah, he could have been in a
really great job when they first met and he's holding
it down and then let's just say he got made
redundant or you know, business ain't doing so well. If
he's an entrepreneur, he needs to communicate that if they're serious.
(11:53):
Of course, if they're not and it's just a day,
you don't need to, you know, expose your your lifestyle
like that. But if it's someone you've been seeing for
a year and you trust that person. You need to
be honest with him and say, listen, I just got
made redundant or laid off, as you guys say, I
just got made redundant, I just got laid off or
business ain't booming, especially if your entrepreneur business is seasonal. Yeah,
you know, so it just might be a quiet season
(12:15):
for you. So you just might have to communicate over
to her and say, listen, babe, you know I usually
got you, but unfortunately right now got laid off, got
made redundant, business ain't booming, So it would help if
you could contribute at least with then it's more I
understand what's going on, but without saying anything, I think
you're still the man. I still think you got your job,
and you're saying pay for my fuel. It's like she's
(12:35):
genuinely confused, like is everything okay?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Well also too, he's saying that I wouldn't even accept
your offer.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
It's just the person.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
It's just the principle of like this is petty, Like
he's being petty, and to me, that communicates frustration, right,
I don't. I don't think he said any shift in
his job or his finances. I think that he is
frustrated and he's being passive, aggressive and angry, and he's frustrated,
and he's basically like, you know, I wouldn't even accept it.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
It's just the point, you know, just do it.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
I'm just like, Ah, this isn't really about the gas.
I think that she probably just needs to, you know,
just tap in a little bit more with her partner.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
And ask him.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
I think that's one of the biggest missed opportunities is
that people don't ask their partner what do they need? Yeah,
what do they need? What do they need from you?
And what could you be doing better?
Speaker 8 (13:27):
You knows?
Speaker 5 (13:28):
You a question on nothing to see y'all and be
honest with me, pretty honest. All women taught how to
romanticize men.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
I think we are actually more than men are. I
think that women we are taught from a very young
age down to Barbie's, to Disney, to play Barbie House,
to you know, cooking, to even like us in therapy,
understanding feelings and emotions. I feel like we have a
(14:01):
little leg up on y'all in terms of like being
able to be an emotional support or like you say,
romanticizing me. And I think that we just have a
little bit more skills in.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Life to do that. I think men. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
for sure, I think so.
Speaker 5 (14:19):
I heard you right, But listen to what I asked,
how tomanticize a man? Now, what I mean by that
is maybe I wasn't clearing the way I broke it
down because you mentioned you know you it's one hundred percent.
Women are emotionally more intelligent, and the Barbies and the
Disneyland and the fairy toes. But my thing where I
ask this is I do focus a lot on mend
(14:40):
mental health. And when I do coach my men, even
though they don't know each other. I might coach someone
in the UK, and I might coach someone in America,
but they got common problems and they.
Speaker 6 (14:48):
Don't even know each other.
Speaker 5 (14:49):
Yeah, and will always I always get told by men
is my wife doesn't understand my needs. The second thing,
as I said, it could be someone from Tokyo, New
New York or London. They don't know each other, but
they've always got the same issues. My wife doesn't understand
my needs. And the second one is whenever I do
express how I feel, my wife somehow makes it about
(15:12):
her again. So that's why I ask the question, are
women taught. And when I say romanticize, I'm not talking
our mum's taught us as a woman. Make sure you're
how to clean, make sure you're how to cook. That's
not romanticizing your man. That's serving your man. Or you know,
I'm talking about, are you taught how to romance your man?
Take the load of him, you know, actually really let
(15:34):
him express how he feels. Because we're talking about this
gentleman here who lacks communicational skills, who can't be honest
with her. There is a disconnect. But the question is
sometimes is is it the door open for me to
be this vulnerable with you, to communicate with you too?
Because if the door isn't open, I'm not gonna walk in.
(15:55):
And like I said, when I coach men, the first
thing they say is my wife doesn't under stind my needs.
They feel like the wife is giving them sex and
the wife is cooking. But that's not to some minutes,
not some minutes. I would rather have conversations if you're how.
Speaker 6 (16:11):
Do you feel?
Speaker 5 (16:13):
But women, I genuinely ask the question, apart from sex,
apart from food, apart from cleaning, are you taught how
to understand a mind's needs?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I think I still feel like what my position stands
because when you think about men, like just men, right,
I think that the same thing could apply where like
men think like providing and protecting, it's just that all
all that they all they do. And we just talked
about this on the last episode, like sometimes men don't
understand intimacy without it being physical. They don't understand like
(16:46):
what intimacy and chemistry and connection could be without if
like they had their hands tied behind their back, they
they wouldn't know how to connect, know how to connect
with you. And I think that women are still just
a little bit and I'm not saying they're perfect or
there's not work to be done, but I still think
that we got a little bit more of an advantage
in creating an open, open.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Space for for men to be vulnerable.
Speaker 5 (17:11):
Yeah, I respect.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Yeah, we'll see.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Do you want me to read some of these these
three main points?
Speaker 4 (17:16):
Right?
Speaker 3 (17:17):
Are we going to the next one? Okay? Perfect?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So our second dear to see it calling is too
friendly to be wifed?
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Ooh okay, okay, let's hear sue.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Dear to see it. I need help because apparently I
am too friendly to be somebody's girlfriend. I'm originally from Colorado.
We literally say hi to everybody. I grew up on
trail mix and like waving at people in joggers, waving
at dogs, waving at the clouds and the mountains, like
it's just literally in my blood. And then I also
(17:49):
grew up doing pageants. I feel like I've been professionally
trained to light up a room since I was like five,
And then small talk is I could probably win a
medal for small talk and I have one medals for
interview before. But now I live in a DMV and
if it's not the friendliest place in the world, and
commentary that I keep getting back is that I am
(18:10):
just too friendly and that now it's why are you
being why are you laughing like that? Like why are
you so friendly? Like why did you do this? And
it's to me, I'm not flirting. I'm literally just not
being rude. And I don't know how to say that
without it being like, this is what like a man
thinks when you do that, This is what happens when
(18:30):
you do that, as opposed to this is just how
I grew up. And I don't want to change my personality.
I don't want to give like DMV energy like dead stairs,
arms crossed, like me mugging. But I also understand that,
like the culture is different out here, so I want
to be respectful. But how do I balance both and
(18:51):
just being myself and also dating?
Speaker 3 (18:55):
So first of all, I noticed young lady.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It's so funny because she's in my secret girls' chest,
So hey, hey, I know this young lady.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
This is so interesting.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I cannot emphasize enough that there are things about you,
that there's somebody out here and I this is not
a rarity, right, that's going to absolutely love that about you. Right,
They're gonna be like I'm more chill and my wife
be bouncing all over the place like this. Opposite things attract,
(19:25):
you know, like I'm more of a chill guy, but
my wife loves to be out. She is the social butterfly.
She's out here. And I even see have you seen
these like reels on Instagram where it's like the wife
is like here on my husband making friends again and
he's out at the barbecue, he's out at the neighbor
and it's like there's somebody that's gonna love those things
(19:45):
about you. I'm not sure who's quite you know telling
you this, but I think that like, there are different
men that you're gonna attract. There's going to actually know
that they're more reserved and they're gonna feed off of
that energy that you. You are, You are somebody that's
out going that can make more connections like those are
(20:06):
things that in partnership that you ping pong off of
each other.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
And so I wouldn't be I would just.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
Think, honestly, it may be like an insecurity thing, maybe
trust issues, maybe, but you don't ever want And I'm
gonna tell you this, this is a grown woman fucking
com This is grown woman shit. This is how I
really have evolved. There was a time where I think
that I would not try to change people, but it's
like it's also, why are you so loud? I don't
(20:32):
like the class clown, I don't like the goofy want
out the group group. But I have started to meet
people with where they are and just really accept the
best parts of whomever it is right, and I think
that that is something that has done me so well
in life. Take the best part to me and leave
the rest of them that you don't like or that
you maybe not find alignment or compatibility with and leave
(20:52):
it at that. But girl, there are men out here
that are gonna love the fact that you're bubbly, that
you're outgoing, that you can make connections. Also to what
people don't understand is that that, in my opinion, being
bubbly and outgoing is also an instinctual motherly nurturing trait
that you like tribal instincts in order to like build
(21:15):
family and things like that. Right, Like, you have to
be able to make connection. We was going off you
being a damn introvert. We wouldn't have no family or friends. Okay,
Like who you think? Don't come watch these kids?
Speaker 3 (21:25):
You know what I'm saying. You in the neighborhood, you're
gonna need to drop something.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
And I think men can see that, like even if
it's like not who they are, I think that they
can appreciate that in a woman, because you need connection
and community to be able to thrive and have a family.
So I don't see, girl, this sounds like these are
just some lame men who got you know, insecurity.
Speaker 5 (21:46):
Issues just the tiny because I would have said word
for it. So it's not that I haven't gone off
to say I genuinely a group. Everything you said. If
I was to contribute to this, it's I'm gonna look at.
Speaker 6 (21:57):
This camera, right girl. People will come.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Your tribe will find you, you know, like know you're worth.
Your tribe will find you. Like to see has said,
I'm genuinely hearing the guys that are saying is to
there's an insecurity problem within themselves because maybe they've got
trust issues. They feel like you're bubbly, and because you're bubbly,
if you're with them, you're going to go outside and
someone's gonna, you know, take you away. It's a them problem.
(22:21):
You like this years said, it is a blessing. It's
funny as entrepreneurs like myself and to see when we
are coaching and we're telling people to network because network
is the best currency. And how are you going to
network if you're at home being an introvert. You're not
being you're not saying hello to every person.
Speaker 6 (22:38):
You need it.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
You need a community, you need to be to network
to be bubbly.
Speaker 6 (22:43):
So don't change, girl.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
There is someone out there that's going to love exactly
this thing that you've mentioned. It's going to be their
favorite thing about you. I promise you that.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Favorite thing now, seriously favorite thing. And it really works
so well, I know so many like one is like
the fun, outgoing person and one is just like, oh god, here.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
She goes again.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
You know, like it's just like it just works, you know,
And I think that, yeah, it's just there's like a
connection there.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
I feel like it really just works.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
And again, like I think that those are just like
womanly instincts that a smart man would really want see
see it as a benefit. He would see it as
a benefit because you know, let's just say a natural
disaster hits a flood, Like it's gonna be that same
extroverted girl that you thought was too bubbly, that's gonna
be down at the social soface services office trying to
(23:32):
get you know, FEMA or help for the hurricane or whatever.
You're not gonna do it because you won't even talk
to nobody, right, So I feel like a smart man
is going to really see that as a benefit. And
also just like you're a light in the best parts
about you and so no, he doesn't want to wipe
you because he has insecurities or trust issues or just
(23:52):
like maybe just some past trauma or whatever. But also too,
I think there's some man that is also a hint
of like possessiveness as well as like you don't want
that person to be for everybody. But I think there's
like a security and a man that's just like my
wife is out here doing it.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
Look at her.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
She out making friends. He should be proud. So yeah, girl,
leave him, whoever the guy is, whoever the guys you're
a meeting. I'm telling you you will definitely find your
tribe and people that would think that those are the best.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Part to you.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Seriously, seriously, seriously, I agree. Okay, So going to voice
me on number three. Ooh, okay, this one is a
little bit more serious, y'all. My sister's in danger again.
Speaker 8 (24:31):
A serious.
Speaker 7 (24:33):
Hi to see U. So, my sister is currently talking
to someone who she said slapped her. Now, before this
incident happened, she was in an abusive relationship.
Speaker 4 (24:45):
I already told her.
Speaker 7 (24:46):
I feel like this is unacceptable, but I want to
know what should I do. I don't want to be
too involved, but I want her to leave him. But
I think she's still talking to him, Like if you
don't want me to know about it, I feel like
she's sneaking around, still talking to him still seeing him.
I want her to know that she can come to
me without trying to judge her. But how can What
can I do? I don't know if I should tell
(25:07):
my father, my family, because I feel like once he
do it, he's going to do it again. And I
don't want her to be mistreated or even worse, something
could happen to her. People that get that angry and
put their hands or you is different.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
So what should I do?
Speaker 5 (25:24):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Yeah, so I have This is a near and dear
topic to me for several reasons. One because I've had
family members that are i mean years fourteen, seventeen, twenty
years worth of domestic abuse, and I deal with women
on a daily basis, Like my whole community is based
off of helping women, you know, get out of situations
(25:47):
like this. We've moved girls out of apartments, We've helped
them found shelters and.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Things like that.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
So this is something that is very near and dear
to me. There are so many layers to this, and
she touched throwing a few of them. One is that
you don't want her to feel judged, and you don't
you want her to be able to to speak to
you about these things. And this is in all different
kind of categories. When you talk about drug abuse, addiction,
(26:16):
all there's a shame and the guilt that that person
is already experiencing. And to you, it could seem like
he hits you, so leave, He hits you, so leave,
and it's just right. It sounds so simple and it's
really really not. My personal advice would be to get
as close to your sister as you can, because you
(26:36):
really need to understand the have an intimate relationship with
her to be able to know what is going on
with her, that you that she would accept this type
of treatment, because there is a pattern. She was dealing
with an abusive person before and now she's accepting this again.
And if you're not close enough to the problem, you
(26:57):
won't really understand it. And I think when I stepped
out of judgment and anger, because people don't realize how
difficult it is to watch a loved one go through this,
you be ready to kill the man, You be ready
to like you know, it's very very difficult, and you
have to take yourself.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
Out of it.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
And I've learned for myself, like the lecturing, it doesn't
work for them feeling judged they're gonna start sheltering, like
you said, like she said, they're gonna start stop telling
you things. And I think it's just like really kind
of a slippery slope. I would just really be as
close to your sister as you can, so you kind
of really know more details about what's going on, and
(27:38):
there's just gentle nudget that you can give that just
really reminding her of who she is and that there
is better things out there for her, and not even
focusing on the guide, but just like helping her realize
that there's more to life for her outside of outside
of the abusive relationship, even like hey girl, do you
know I know you say you want to go back
(27:58):
to school. Are you still gonna do that? You know,
like showing her that there is more to life than
what she actually has going on versus like why are
you talking to him? He ain't good for you? Like
that is just going to actually, even psychologically and mentally,
draw her more to the issue. If you keep telling
the kid, don't go in that jar, don't go in
that jar, They're going to be like, damn, what's in
(28:19):
a jar? Like I want to go over there. So
the more you emphasize the actual issue. It's just just
human nature. It's going to make her more curious about
it's going to pull out the rebel in her, and
so you kind of just want to focus more on
her and not the actual relationship itself.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
But it is.
Speaker 5 (28:37):
No amazing and that's amazing advice, and love the work
you're doing as well off camera with all these vulnerable women,
because it's not easy. I don't work on it as
much as you, but I do have a couple case
by case studies of people reaching out and the ones
I've dealt with. It's funny because obviously I didn't know
these questions whatnot, But your responses are literally what I
(28:58):
would have said. The first one. It's if I was
to give personal advice. It's I feel that when anyone's
going through anything, they know everyone knows, and it's the obvious,
like it's clear, Hi, guys, I've got a black eye.
Speaker 6 (29:15):
I am getting abused.
Speaker 5 (29:16):
I know that I am already dealing with that. So
my thing is, when you are with your sister or
whoever it is that's getting abused, talk about everything except
for the guy, because they're thinking before they've met you.
Let's just say you guys have met in New York.
We're gonna meet at Times Square, this location. When she
first greets you, she's naturally thinking, you're gonna ask me
(29:36):
about the black eye. You're gonna speak to me about
so and so. The best thing you can do as
a sister or a friend is, hey girl, your hair
looks good. You change the subjects because that automatically brings
down her defense mechanism, her anxiety when she was on
the train coming to meet you, because she was beating
herself up. Oh my gosh, she's gonna notice my eye?
Is she going to talk to me about so and so?
Speaker 4 (29:55):
So?
Speaker 5 (29:56):
The minute you just say, hey girl, I see no
neil polished. It looks good what we eat in today,
straight away her anxiety comes down. Once her anxiety comes down,
all you do is reminder of our home values, our faith,
how mom raised us, how dad raised us. But not
in a possessive way. It's just reassuring her, like girl,
remember when we was young, so and so and so,
(30:18):
reminding her of her personality, her morals. And then the
last part that I think you aced it in is
sometimes when you're in a relationship with all of us,
male female that might about the sex. You think this
is just it as much as it isn't you think
this is just it? All I know is this guy
or this woman. You got a reminder, Yes, he's a
(30:39):
part of your life. But look how big this life is.
You've got a whole community it loves you. If your
sister's got kids, let them know your nieces and nephews
adore you. She can then start seeing I have a
life out of this bubble without mentioning it. So it's
subtly just reminding her you're loved, you're cared for. There
is more to life. Get her back on her hobby,
get her back into church or school, whatever her religion is,
(31:01):
but do not mention him.
Speaker 6 (31:02):
You'll start seeing.
Speaker 5 (31:03):
She will start reaching out to you because she's like,
I'm around my sister who don't talk about this, And slowly, slowly,
once her confidence is built, her self love is built,
she'll wake up herself and realize I'm actually.
Speaker 6 (31:15):
Better than this.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Also, there's a anytime somebody is going through a rough
patch or a trial or i mean addiction or something,
there's her certain humility.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
Will go a long way.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
And when you are making her all the things you describe,
which was so good. You nail that just feeling seen
in her. But there's a humility, right, like you want
her to feel like she is a valuable part of
this world, like you know, there's nothing shameful about what
she's doing, and just like reminding her of the memories
and things. This is a crazy reach, but I'm gonna
(31:50):
tell y'all this story, long story short. I had a
friend who was actually experiencing a type of psychosis, and
we were very concerned about her, and so we were like, Okay,
we need to do like a mental wellness check on her,
like go over there with like the police and stuff
like that. And at the time, you know, they kind
of warned us that, like, you know, she may not
(32:12):
remember who you are. She may not and and she
may be aggressive, she may be mean, you know. And
one of the recommendations was to send her pictures of
you and her together, send her that girls trip that
y'all went on set, because it will like that type
of I'm talking about to reverse a psychosis, like somebody
like mentally like not being there, like those type of
(32:32):
memories and like the humanity, like the warmth that you're
bringing into this life, and so I think you were
spot on, like just showing her that there's so much
outside of this world and building her up without pinpointing.
It's almost like reverse psychology without pinpoints, and like making
her feel safe and seeing and also like a lot
of times, most times, actually almost all people that are
(32:56):
in abuse of relationships forgot who they are.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
They literally are lost.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
They forgot who they are and maybe they never knew
who they were. But I think like as a person
that's an advocate and an ally you know in her life,
you can do an amazing job of just reminding her that,
like the girl, remember when.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
You used to be you know, you was that girl
in high school.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
You know what I'm saying, Remember when you used to
day pooky it right way back in the day.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
And like, girl, remember when we went off on that
girl trip when we did this.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
It's like those type of things will really kind of
bring her back. And it may be a so let
me emphasize this, It may be a slow burn. This
is not a quick fix.
Speaker 5 (33:35):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Abuse can take years and years and years to really
and trust me, I know from personal experience, I'm talking
about years and years and years. But keep at it,
you know, like it may seem like it's not working
because she didn't leave come outter the third time you
said something. But I'm telling you just pick away at
it time and time and time again. And also lastly,
(33:57):
just you know, protect yourself as well. I think she
said that she didn't want to be overly invested in it,
and I think that from personal experience, it can really
weigh you down, and so monitor how much you are involved,
because I know that your sister. You want to help
her and save her and snap her back into reality.
But like everybody has choices, and she got the same
(34:20):
twenty four hours, and so there's like a mediation that
you have to do with the energy that you're going
to exert to that and the choices that she's making
as a grown adot on her own. So God bless
this woman. I hope that she she finds her way
back to herself, you know. And you a good sister,
a good sister for even being you know, concerned and yeah,
(34:44):
yeah that was good.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
That was really good.
Speaker 6 (34:46):
Yeah wholesome moment.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Yes, yes, yes, it's good for her, good for her.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
Okay, onto our beat you smell good segment. Okay, So
our feature fragrance. And so I always told you I
love to smell like a man, right, And so the
funny thing is that because Ray is here, I brought
a unisex fragrance that I have from Nishae and it's
called Fan Your Flames. And Ray actually has a decant
(35:11):
of it over there, so he's gonna be smelling it
with me. But the notes in this fragrance is coconnut, rum, tobacco, tanka,
oak moss, and Chinese cedar wood.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
It's just so good. I just love it. So you're ready, right,
let's right.
Speaker 6 (35:27):
Right good?
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Let me know what you think.
Speaker 6 (35:32):
Ooh, that's spicy.
Speaker 4 (35:34):
It's so good.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Okay, So the tonk do you smell the rum, rum, tobacco, tanka, oak, moss, Chinese.
This has really grown, y'all. This is like to me,
it's like a man's dream because coconut is like it's smooth,
and then like the rum is spicy, and tanka tanka
(35:56):
is just like a I think it's it's kind of
gritty's and then the Chinese cedar wood, you know, cedar
wood and santall is found in a lot of men's fragrances.
Speaker 5 (36:06):
So I absolutely I'm liking him.
Speaker 3 (36:08):
I absolutely love this race.
Speaker 5 (36:10):
Is he likes it?
Speaker 6 (36:11):
I can. I can, definitely I can.
Speaker 5 (36:13):
It's given me that that I can sense the tobacco
giving me.
Speaker 6 (36:18):
I'm a grown man.
Speaker 5 (36:20):
Uh, I've gone away on a business trip, and but
this business trip, I need to smell like I'm serious
but not too serious.
Speaker 6 (36:31):
So it's got that right balance.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Spray yours and let me know what your lady thinks.
Speaker 6 (36:40):
It's nice. It's definitely nice.
Speaker 3 (36:42):
What's it called, niche fan your flames? That's really good.
Speaker 6 (36:46):
Definitely take a picture of that. That's good.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
And also side note, nich is probably one of my favorite,
my favorite fragrance houses. And I probably have more than
i've I have from any other this time. Probably uh
Tusiana Toreenzi, I probably have the most. But anyways, y'all see.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
This dent in there, we all the way down here.
I just love it.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
It's sophisticated and for the translation of it, for a woman,
I feel like it's given like boyroom boss, lady, just like.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
Real grown you know, real gross AnyWho, niche fan your flames?
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Okay, So lastly, y'all, we have our red flag report
and this one is entitled Olympics Red Red Flag Olympics.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
She took gold. Okay.
Speaker 1 (37:36):
According to a viral TikTok video by Tessa cat the Brand,
a woman says that she stood by her baby daddy
after he was shot five times by the boyfriend of
the woman he was cheating with. At the time. She
and her partner had a five month old baby at home.
She rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night,
(37:59):
only to find three other women already there. Despite the
betrayal and trauma, she chose to stay, helped him through
recovery from paralysis, and says they eventually rekindled their relationship.
Speaker 8 (38:15):
Wow, are you playing this straight or okay?
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Let me tell you this the ride or dies stuff?
Speaker 1 (38:27):
I got questions like where were going and why I
gotta die? This is just absolutely insane. And let me
tell you what happens when a woman does all of
this type of stuff for a man. She thinks that
she's communicating to him that she's ride or die.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
She got his back.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
You want to know what this communicates to a man,
That you love me, that I must be him, that
I am that great. Literally, women think that the work
that they do for a man is showing him that
she's a good woman, and it's doing absolutely nothing but
boosting that person ego. Man is gonna be like, yo,
I must really be I must really be him for
(39:05):
her to be doing all this stuff. And so honestly
she should be embarrassed because there is no man on
this earth. Yeah, okay, three women at the hospital. Crazy,
You got a five month old at home. You you
rush to the hospital, three other women there, and then
he was shot five times by the boyfriend of the woman.
Speaker 6 (39:29):
It's just two toxic mane. There's so much.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
There's every time you made a decision, from the time
he was shot and you found out that he had
another woman that he was dealing with, and then you
got to the hospital and you find it all despite
the betrayal and trauma, she chose to say, you have
literally put yourself on like the lowest totem pole. When
(39:53):
I tell y'all, please be a difficult Danielle, I always say,
this's a patient. Pamela's the casual cathis the easy going Elizabeth.
That is not who you want to be. You have
done nothing but signal to this man that you feel
so low about yourself you will do anything this is
not the men that this is not the woman that
men want. Okay, there is a book and I forgot
(40:15):
I read it a few times and it calls it's
something like men don't date women like you, and it
basically is about teaching women how to really like a
level up and kind of speak man language. This is
you have had to sacrifice a piece of yourself so
much on all these different occasions. And I think she
thinks that it's showing that she's down, but it's it's
(40:38):
actually showing that you you have you value yourself so
low that you could and I can't think of anything
more grand because the cheating has already happened, betrayal, all
of this, and now this man through paralysis.
Speaker 5 (40:54):
Yeah, and then she's forba be guilty ethan ken in
her head. If I'm not with him through his hardest time,
I'm not a real one. Now. There's so many things
to unpack here, because for me, it's this right you
sticking by him. All you're really doing is letting him
feel that all of this that he's doing is normalized.
That's the first thing. The second thing is you've given
(41:16):
birth to a five year old?
Speaker 6 (41:18):
Was it a boy?
Speaker 1 (41:19):
Was a boy or girls didn't say okay right now.
Speaker 5 (41:23):
For me, it's this As a mother, you are a
nurturer and you're looking after your offsprings, whether you're an animal.
Speaker 6 (41:29):
Where you're a human. That's what mothers do.
Speaker 5 (41:31):
They nurture and look and they protect their children. You
are not protecting your child because for me, it's a
man's job is to build security and provide. Now he's
not secure, and he's not building you security, not just
for you, but for your child. There's guns involved, they're
shooting involved, there's other women involved.
Speaker 6 (41:48):
There's so much going on.
Speaker 5 (41:49):
And as a mother, for you, it's I've just had
a child. I need to protect this child. And the
security that I'm getting from this man is the opposite.
He's bringing fear into my life. He's bringing, you know,
things that probably weren't normal to her. He is normalizing
and you've forgiving him.
Speaker 6 (42:04):
You're sticking with him.
Speaker 5 (42:05):
You're actually making him think that there is nothing wrong
with what he's doing. I'm a massive believer especially with
men and boys. Boys learn through consequence, and it's hard.
It's hard for me to admit that because I am
a guy, but it's the truth.
Speaker 6 (42:19):
I didn't learn.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Mas, sequence and reward, fact Anserequence and reward, yes.
Speaker 5 (42:24):
You know, and sometimes as ugly as it is and
as bad as it is, I can look back now
at my I'm not going to give away my age,
but I'm old enough to look back and think some
of the consequences that her at that time.
Speaker 6 (42:36):
I genuinely needed it, you know.
Speaker 5 (42:38):
And with this gentleman here, whoever he is, you know,
I never wish bad on him, and obviously he's in
a bad way physically, but he actually needs some form
of consequence to change. But not just for him to
change these children's and trauma. Because he's bleeding on the kids,
he's bleeding on her. He's actually diminishing her whole generation.
Speaker 3 (42:54):
I'm not going to tell you how that's going to end. Okay.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
First of all, yeah, I was saying, Mas, six hundred
pounds life. You see how those six hundred pound people
always got a man, they got a partner, they got
a girlfriend, they got whatever. Okay, let me tell you
how that's gonna end, because we have already seen it.
This man has such the audacity and lack of respect.
You're going to nurture and care for him and his
paralysis and his he is going to be on Facebook Messenger.
(43:19):
He's going to be messaging other girls. He's going to
be I'm telling you how this is gonna end, sweetheart,
this You're going to waste your life. Okay, You're gonna
waste your life taking care of this man. And I
promise you from his bed, his paralyzed bed, he's gonna
be in there, girl, cheating on you from the phone.
I'm telling you, I've seen it with my own Swie's
(43:42):
gonna be in I've seen it with jailbirds. I've seen
it with men that are released from prison. Ain't got
a pot to pistol in the window to throw it
out of Okay, And they will come home from jail,
ain't got no money, no clothes, no place to say,
no nothing.
Speaker 6 (43:55):
And we'll be cheating.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
And you think you didn't held him down because he
been in this place for all and he will still
be cheated. This man will be in a wheelchair cheating
on you.
Speaker 3 (44:04):
Okay. He will be texting women.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
He'll be all type of sexual stepcorn videos, new pictures.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
He'll be all on the dating apps, cheating on you.
Speaker 1 (44:14):
I'm telling you, I've seen it so many times, and girl,
please do not waste your life.
Speaker 6 (44:19):
Please willness of you as well?
Speaker 5 (44:20):
To see something that I don't hear many speak about,
but it's very evident in today's generation.
Speaker 6 (44:26):
It's a deep one. Some people are genuinely addicted to chaos.
Speaker 5 (44:31):
Oh absolutely, no, I'm being.
Speaker 6 (44:32):
Dead to you now.
Speaker 3 (44:33):
I absolutely agree with that.
Speaker 5 (44:34):
And the vibes I'm getting from this gentleman is he is.
Whether it's conscious or not, he's addicted to chaos. So
the reason why I agree with you, whether he's in
the deathbed or whether he's in a jail, he's going
to want the chaos. He's gonna want to message more women,
regardless of his illness or his conditions. He's so addicted
to chaos that he can't just be still. He can't
(44:54):
just be one person, you know.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
The piggyback off of what you said.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
This type of woman, it's so desperate and just so
and this is with love. She's so desperate for love, attention,
and affection. That the craziest thing, and I'm telling you
it's gonna sound crazy, but I've seen this so many times.
She probably thinks that him being paralyzed is the best
fucking thing that ever happened to her? Ain't that crazy?
(45:19):
She probably thinks, Oh, hi, finally gotcha, Finally you.
Speaker 3 (45:22):
Can't cheat on me.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Now now I got you all to myself. And I've
seen this a lot where like, you know, the man
loses his job, so now he ain't got no car,
he can't go nowhere, he and that, and now a
woman is like great, great, awesome, got them all to myself.
And it's like, girl, if he couldn't be faithful to
you when he had two legs to walk around and
all of these things are happening. I pray that you
(45:45):
don't think that this is your big break to make
him commit, because I promise you, I promise you please
write me back because this is on the right end. Please,
I know that this man will be cheating on you
from his phone.
Speaker 5 (46:00):
And you know what this even if she does win,
when he's you know, bedbound, or he's got no more
money to cheat how he was the version of the
mind you've got, like you're settling for second, like you
know what I mean, It's like you're dealing with the crumbs,
like now he hasn't got no money, or now he
physically can't cheat.
Speaker 1 (46:18):
His mama just shout out to his mama five month
holding up baby, take your take your baby, and okay,
go on also too, like you gotta make One of
the things the biggest things that I have learned in
life is that you can't the more that you prevent
yourself from hitting the ground, like you gotta hit your
(46:40):
face on the ground. This man has caused so much
ruckets in your life and you come in with a
pillow as soon as he about to hit the floor.
Speaker 3 (46:48):
He never gonna learn his lesson.
Speaker 1 (46:49):
You gotta learn how to let people hit the floor.
And I'm talking about rock bottom cold.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
They don't know.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
And it's hard to watch people do that girl. Send
his ass back to his mama. Let somebody else take
care of him. You know, he got to sit in
what he's.
Speaker 5 (47:04):
Done consequence all that you you know.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
How much you have to sacrifice, not just he's physically incapable.
Speaker 5 (47:11):
Now yeah, yeah, he's gonna take a massive your taker.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Now, you got no love on this or love don't
cost you that much. And I said this before. Love
is not going to bankrupt you. And I had a
post that one viral when I talked about never give
somebody one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
And this is what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
This is this is the epitome of giving somebody one
hundred percent.
Speaker 5 (47:31):
Because you've loved him so much that you don't love
yourself anymore.
Speaker 3 (47:35):
It's like now you got zero, you got zero. Baby.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
Not only is you being lied to, cheated on, but
now you're taking care of somebody that's you know, paralyzed.
You got a five month old. This is literally a
walking billboard of a woman that gave a man one
hundred percent and ended up with nothing.
Speaker 6 (47:51):
I don't think anyone should give anyone one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
I say this all the time, and look, I was
everything but a child of God. And the comments when
I said that, Okay, but it's biblical.
Speaker 5 (48:00):
I think it's biblical, though you know, don't quote me
on it, but I'm sure that it is biblical where
it says the only thing you should give your all.
Speaker 6 (48:10):
Two is God.
Speaker 5 (48:12):
Because humans, it's not that we're bad people, but we're humans.
Speaker 6 (48:15):
We're flawed humans.
Speaker 5 (48:16):
You know, so for something to be so flawed, you
should never put your all in it because we don't
even know when we're not in control of our own selves,
like we're ill disciplined, where.
Speaker 6 (48:28):
We do so many mistakes.
Speaker 5 (48:29):
So anyone that is flawed, anyone that is a human
like what we are, we should never put our hundred
percent all in it. We should only put it in
the one thing that is guaranteed and that's perfect, which
is God.
Speaker 8 (48:39):
Absolutely I agree with that. AnyWho, what a real flag?
What a red flag?
Speaker 5 (48:45):
No, that's dangerous. That's more than a red flag. I
think you're underplaying that one.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
Where's the real flag? Olympicsd thing?
Speaker 1 (48:53):
Look she took go now, seriously, she took out in
a red flag report.
Speaker 3 (48:57):
Oh God bless her.
Speaker 8 (49:00):
Anyways, that's all bosting
Okay, y'all, welcome back to Dear to See a This
is our eighth episode, y'all, and it really feels like
I've been here.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
For so long.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
That means y'all have been coming back. The show has
been evolving, and we just been really doing some good stuff.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
So we have a couple of subscription reminders, and that
is to follow the Dear to See a Podcast on
Apple and Spotify, leave a five star review now, one,
not two, not four, y'all, five star review because I
know y'all loving the show, and then subscribe to the
Relationship Restore and Dear to See a YouTube channel. We
have some goals that we want to meet and that
(00:44):
is fifty thousand followers on Apple Podcasts, one thousand reviews
because we hit five hundred already. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, add the little clapping clip. Okay, thank you,
thank you, thank you, and then we want to have
one hundred thousand subscribers on both channels. So we're only
getting started. I know what's up from here. We are
switching things up. So we're switching things up based on
(01:05):
the feedback, and we love when you all give us feedback.
We love when y'all write us comments, and so we're
gonna be doing more of the dear to see a
call ins and just one or two hot topics. So
less of the hot topics and more of the dear
to see a call in. So please use the link
to submit your submission if you want to call into
the show. And then y'all know our Fragrance State segment
(01:26):
is here to stay because Bat, you smell goodness one
of my favorite things to do. Okay, So our peanut
gallery here is Ray. We have Ray here with us
and raise our first mail on the show. This is
so exciting because y'all know it's a girl's girls world
over here, so I had to be very particular, okay
about the men I'll let in our space. And you
know it's so funny, Ray, because my secret girls chat
(01:49):
is specifically to keep men out of our business. This
is why I started a subscription chat offline so that
I can keep the girls hip and just give them
all of the tips without men watching us. Because I
feel like we just needed our own secret space. So
you coming in here as a big deal. This is
a big deal. That means I trust you a lot.
(02:12):
And so Ray is a life coach and funny. I
always held our guests always tell the audience like how
I met the guests that we have on the Peanut Gallery.
And so I have a friend that I met in
Ghana and he shared with me that you were moving
to the US and that you were also into podcasting
and that we should connect, and so we've been locked
down every since. Ray has an amazing podcast. He has
(02:34):
a great platform, and I think he has a great
level headed perspective that'll be a good entry way to
letting me in and our bsments. Okay, so there's Dan,
Welcome Ray, everyone you. So we're gonna do our first
listener review and that is so I think it's our end.
Cat Rock said Bomb love the show now. I look
(02:55):
forward to new episodes every week. I've listened to them
all while driving to work, to working out, etc. Keep
going to see you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I don't know if y'all know how much it means
to me that y'all actually listening to my podcast and
giving reviews and feedback and just make writing comments and everything.
It really means the world to me, and I don't
take those things for granted. So thank you, Thank you,
(03:16):
thank you are in cat Rot. Okay, So now we're
going to go into our first dear to see a
voicemail and the topic is he wants me to offer to.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Pay dear to see.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now.
We've never done fifty to fifty. He's always taken great
care of me. And recently though, he's come to me
and has said that he wants me to start offering
to pay for things. For example, if we're doing the
weekend trip together, he wants me to offer to pay
(03:50):
for gas. I asked him why, like where this was
coming from, and he said that my thank yous or
not enough for him. And he said that he wouldn't
even necessarily take my offer. It's just the idea that
kind of does it for him. I'm struggling with this
(04:11):
because I don't know. I guess I would only offer
a dimenta type of thing. Yeah, I'm just a little
unsure how to move forward, especially because in the past,
like I said, it hasn't been this way.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
I think that personally, the problem that he's presenting is
not actually the problem. I think that it's more so
a lack of appreciation even like a disconnection, a disconnect
with with chemistry and.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
With chemistry and romance.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Like I feel like this, what he's saying he would
want her to do is not actually the issue.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
What do you what do you think? What are you thinking?
Speaker 5 (04:55):
When I heard that? The first thing I'm hearing is
he thinks he knows what he wants, but she doesn't.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
That he thinks he knows what he wants.
Speaker 5 (05:05):
Thinks he's saying what he wants.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I don't think that offering to pay for the gas
is going to make him feel valued. I think that
there's like a lack of connection, a lack that he's
not feeling appreciated, or that there's there are other things
that she could be doing that I think, honestly, are
like a little bit more feminine that I think will
go a long way. Like you want a woman to
(05:30):
pay for the gas?
Speaker 5 (05:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (05:33):
No, I totally agree.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, Like there's something else going on here, And I
feel like, you know, maybe he's just not feeling you know,
maybe verbal affirmations, Maybe he's not feeling appreciated, Like I
think that she could say thank you in so many
more ways. And I always tell women this your currency
in life is not financial, and when a man is
(05:55):
looking for that type of appreciation, I don't think it's
in the old You could pay the utility bill, you
could pay for the gas, you can pay for It's
just like, Babe, you know you came from for work.
I realize you that meal prep. I cooked your food,
you know, just filling in the gaps. And I feel
like what he's asking her for is also like built
up frustration, and he's kind of like nagging her. It's like, oh,
(06:19):
you need to do something. But I don't really think
that that is what he what's really going on. I
would actually kind of recommend that they have like a
nice dinner day out and really do like an audit
of the relationship, like what is it that you're feeling?
What things could I be doing better? Because I don't
think there's a money issue at all.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
I don't know what do you What are your thoughts on.
Speaker 6 (06:41):
My thoughts on this is.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
Men are simple as much as we were.
Speaker 6 (06:47):
We're told that we're not simple.
Speaker 5 (06:48):
Were genuinely are simple creatures, right, and you hear on
the now sometimes it's little justice, like baby, you come
back from work, I want to run your ball for you. Now,
the thing is, as much as men are simple creatures,
I feel like with women, women like big gestures. It's
just the way it is Valentine's Day. They want a
thousand roses.
Speaker 6 (07:05):
You know, women like big things. Men like simple things.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
But the problem is sometimes with us is as humans,
we love our partners in our love language. Yeah, when
really you're meant to love your partner in their love language. Now,
if a woman who wants big gestures automatically thinks I
need to romanticize my partner with big gestures. So what
happens is the disconnect beautiful word, and as you said,
(07:29):
the disconnectors.
Speaker 6 (07:31):
He wants the small gestures.
Speaker 5 (07:32):
I e. Going on the road trip, babe, I'm going
to do us a little pack lunch because that will
save us having to stop five hundred times. If I
just do a little sandwich, whatever, whatever, that's a small
gesture that he will appreciate.
Speaker 6 (07:44):
But because she's not doing the small.
Speaker 5 (07:46):
Gestures, he's just copped out, maybe because he's not confident
or he doesn't know her enough and said that rather
you pay for it's a cop out. Paying for the
gas is easy, when really you could have just packed
my help me pack my suitcase.
Speaker 6 (07:58):
You could have put the oldrin in.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
You know, us guys, we figure get little little things.
Speaker 6 (08:01):
It could have been like.
Speaker 5 (08:01):
Just checking baby, you got everything. They are just doing
O pat lunch. But because he's not confident enough, or
the chemistry is not there, or the disconnects not that
he can't actually express what it is. I actually would
prefer small di gestures. So the easiest thing to do
is be paid for the guests.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I think you're a spot on one with that.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I think he also lacks communication skills to be able
to really communicate that he's feeling invisible, he's feeling the value,
he's feeling unappreciated, and like you said, now it's more
like tangible transactional things because those are actually low value,
and it takes an emotional depth to be able to
say like, hey, I don't feel like you value me.
(08:41):
I don't feel appreciated, I feel overlooked sometimes, I feel
taken advantage of. I feel all these things right, And
I think that that takes a level of emotional depth
because really what's also important in this is that in
the beginning of relationship for over a year, where he
has always paid for everything, so now I think he's yeah,
you know, like, and I think it's also women's it's
(09:05):
women's responsibility to know your partner, right. And I think
we are always looking at what a man could do.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
For us, right.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
And I never forgot this, you know, growing up my mom,
she just was always a servant of life.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
I went to school on a community service.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Scholarship, and we would always talk like just to serve everybody,
Like even if you go to a party, a birthday party,
your cousin's party, you the cleanup crew. You stay to
help clean up, like we I've just always been raised
like that. And she used to always say, ask your partner,
what is it that I can do for you today?
How can I help your day runs more smooth today?
And I think that as women, we are just socialized
(09:44):
to be in a receiving energy because like the man
come and gets you, he's supposed to sweep you off
your feet, he's prince charming, and a lot of us
get caught up slipping because our men are getting like
they're getting just kind of closed out, like they're getting
frozen out, and we're not able to really tap in
and understand what they need, you know, I don't think
(10:05):
we have we're that's not our strongest suit to really
be like, you know, what is it that my partner
is looking for? And I think sometimes as women you
have to like recalibrate because your man is crying out
for help. He's crying out for help, and one day
it's gonna be gas and the next day it's gonna
be keisha. Okay. It's like the first time it's gonna
be like, hey, can you pay for this? And the
(10:25):
next thing, you know, he gonna have girls on this phone.
Speaker 7 (10:28):
You know.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
It's really the way that men communicate their insecurities. Their
lack of appreciation is just much different. I'll never forget.
We were at a conference and one of the guys said,
he's like the way that men cheat. He's like, it's
that girl at the front desk of the gym that's like,
you got.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
A new haircut today. Wow, those are new shoes.
Speaker 6 (10:50):
How do you like?
Speaker 3 (10:51):
I was thinking about buying those.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
And it's just it's real under like, you know, it's
real slow and creep up on you.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
And so girl, you better be listening to him. Okay.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
I think that you should have a deeper conversation with him.
About what you could actually offer him and how he's
truly feeling. Because it doesn't sound like he's able to
really communicate that. I think you need to pull it out.
It's not about money, it's not about gas, it's not
about paying for things, groceries or anything like that. I
think he may be burnt out and you could honestly
(11:20):
check yourself. You may not actually be showing as much
appreciation as you as you should for your partner. So yeah,
I think it's a crime for help. Like I said, girl, first,
it's gonna be gas, NeXT's gonna be Keisha, so check.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
Just to add to that, I do think his communication
skills because the reality is they've been seeing each other
for a year. Yeah, he could have been in a
really great job when they first met and he's holding
it down and then let's just say he got made
redundant or you know, business ain't doing so well. If
he's an entrepreneur, he needs to communicate that if they're serious.
(11:53):
Of course, if they're not and it's just a day,
you don't need to, you know, expose your your lifestyle
like that. But if it's someone you've been seeing for
a year and you trust that person. You need to
be honest with him and say, listen, I just got
made redundant or laid off, as you guys say, I
just got made redundant, I just got laid off or
business ain't booming, especially if your entrepreneur business is seasonal. Yeah,
you know, so it just might be a quiet season
(12:15):
for you. So you just might have to communicate over
to her and say, listen, babe, you know I usually
got you, but unfortunately right now got laid off, got
made redundant, business ain't booming, So it would help if
you could contribute at least with then it's more I
understand what's going on, but without saying anything, I think
you're still the man. I still think you got your job,
and you're saying pay for my fuel. It's like she's
(12:35):
genuinely confused, like is everything okay?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Well also too, he's saying that I wouldn't even accept
your offer.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
It's just the person.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
It's just the principle of like this is petty, Like
he's being petty, and to me, that communicates frustration, right,
I don't. I don't think he said any shift in
his job or his finances. I think that he is
frustrated and he's being passive, aggressive and angry, and he's frustrated,
and he's basically like, you know, I wouldn't even accept it.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
It's just the point, you know, just do it.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
I'm just like, Ah, this isn't really about the gas.
I think that she probably just needs to, you know,
just tap in a little bit more with her partner.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
And ask him.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
I think that's one of the biggest missed opportunities is
that people don't ask their partner what do they need? Yeah,
what do they need? What do they need from you?
And what could you be doing better?
Speaker 8 (13:27):
You knows?
Speaker 5 (13:28):
You a question on nothing to see y'all and be
honest with me, pretty honest. All women taught how to
romanticize men.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
I think we are actually more than men are. I
think that women we are taught from a very young
age down to Barbie's, to Disney, to play Barbie House,
to you know, cooking, to even like us in therapy,
understanding feelings and emotions. I feel like we have a
(14:01):
little leg up on y'all in terms of like being
able to be an emotional support or like you say,
romanticizing me. And I think that we just have a
little bit more skills in.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Life to do that. I think men. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
for sure, I think so.
Speaker 5 (14:19):
I heard you right, But listen to what I asked,
how tomanticize a man? Now, what I mean by that
is maybe I wasn't clearing the way I broke it
down because you mentioned you know you it's one hundred percent.
Women are emotionally more intelligent, and the Barbies and the
Disneyland and the fairy toes. But my thing where I
ask this is I do focus a lot on mend
(14:40):
mental health. And when I do coach my men, even
though they don't know each other. I might coach someone
in the UK, and I might coach someone in America,
but they got common problems and they.
Speaker 6 (14:48):
Don't even know each other.
Speaker 5 (14:49):
Yeah, and will always I always get told by men
is my wife doesn't understand my needs. The second thing,
as I said, it could be someone from Tokyo, New
New York or London. They don't know each other, but
they've always got the same issues. My wife doesn't understand
my needs. And the second one is whenever I do
express how I feel, my wife somehow makes it about
(15:12):
her again. So that's why I ask the question, are
women taught. And when I say romanticize, I'm not talking
our mum's taught us as a woman. Make sure you're
how to clean, make sure you're how to cook. That's
not romanticizing your man. That's serving your man. Or you know,
I'm talking about, are you taught how to romance your man?
Take the load of him, you know, actually really let
(15:34):
him express how he feels. Because we're talking about this
gentleman here who lacks communicational skills, who can't be honest
with her. There is a disconnect. But the question is
sometimes is is it the door open for me to
be this vulnerable with you, to communicate with you too?
Because if the door isn't open, I'm not gonna walk in.
(15:55):
And like I said, when I coach men, the first
thing they say is my wife doesn't under stind my needs.
They feel like the wife is giving them sex and
the wife is cooking. But that's not to some minutes,
not some minutes. I would rather have conversations if you're how.
Speaker 6 (16:11):
Do you feel?
Speaker 5 (16:13):
But women, I genuinely ask the question, apart from sex,
apart from food, apart from cleaning, are you taught how
to understand a mind's needs?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
I think I still feel like what my position stands
because when you think about men, like just men, right,
I think that the same thing could apply where like
men think like providing and protecting, it's just that all
all that they all they do. And we just talked
about this on the last episode, like sometimes men don't
understand intimacy without it being physical. They don't understand like
(16:46):
what intimacy and chemistry and connection could be without if
like they had their hands tied behind their back, they
they wouldn't know how to connect, know how to connect
with you. And I think that women are still just
a little bit and I'm not saying they're perfect or
there's not work to be done, but I still think
that we got a little bit more of an advantage
in creating an open, open.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Space for for men to be vulnerable.
Speaker 5 (17:11):
Yeah, I respect.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Yeah, we'll see.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Do you want me to read some of these these
three main points?
Speaker 4 (17:16):
Right?
Speaker 3 (17:17):
Are we going to the next one? Okay? Perfect?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So our second dear to see it calling is too
friendly to be wifed?
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Ooh okay, okay, let's hear sue.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Dear to see it. I need help because apparently I
am too friendly to be somebody's girlfriend. I'm originally from Colorado.
We literally say hi to everybody. I grew up on
trail mix and like waving at people in joggers, waving
at dogs, waving at the clouds and the mountains, like
it's just literally in my blood. And then I also
(17:49):
grew up doing pageants. I feel like I've been professionally
trained to light up a room since I was like five,
And then small talk is I could probably win a
medal for small talk and I have one medals for
interview before. But now I live in a DMV and
if it's not the friendliest place in the world, and
commentary that I keep getting back is that I am
(18:10):
just too friendly and that now it's why are you
being why are you laughing like that? Like why are
you so friendly? Like why did you do this? And
it's to me, I'm not flirting. I'm literally just not
being rude. And I don't know how to say that
without it being like, this is what like a man
thinks when you do that, This is what happens when
(18:30):
you do that, as opposed to this is just how
I grew up. And I don't want to change my personality.
I don't want to give like DMV energy like dead stairs,
arms crossed, like me mugging. But I also understand that,
like the culture is different out here, so I want
to be respectful. But how do I balance both and
(18:51):
just being myself and also dating?
Speaker 3 (18:55):
So first of all, I noticed young lady.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It's so funny because she's in my secret girls' chest,
So hey, hey, I know this young lady.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
This is so interesting.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I cannot emphasize enough that there are things about you,
that there's somebody out here and I this is not
a rarity, right, that's going to absolutely love that about you. Right,
They're gonna be like I'm more chill and my wife
be bouncing all over the place like this. Opposite things attract,
(19:25):
you know, like I'm more of a chill guy, but
my wife loves to be out. She is the social butterfly.
She's out here. And I even see have you seen
these like reels on Instagram where it's like the wife
is like here on my husband making friends again and
he's out at the barbecue, he's out at the neighbor
and it's like there's somebody that's gonna love those things
(19:45):
about you. I'm not sure who's quite you know telling
you this, but I think that like, there are different
men that you're gonna attract. There's going to actually know
that they're more reserved and they're gonna feed off of
that energy that you. You are, You are somebody that's
out going that can make more connections like those are
(20:06):
things that in partnership that you ping pong off of
each other.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
And so I wouldn't be I would just.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
Think, honestly, it may be like an insecurity thing, maybe
trust issues, maybe, but you don't ever want And I'm
gonna tell you this, this is a grown woman fucking
com This is grown woman shit. This is how I
really have evolved. There was a time where I think
that I would not try to change people, but it's
like it's also, why are you so loud? I don't
(20:32):
like the class clown, I don't like the goofy want
out the group group. But I have started to meet
people with where they are and just really accept the
best parts of whomever it is right, and I think
that that is something that has done me so well
in life. Take the best part to me and leave
the rest of them that you don't like or that
you maybe not find alignment or compatibility with and leave
(20:52):
it at that. But girl, there are men out here
that are gonna love the fact that you're bubbly, that
you're outgoing, that you can make connections. Also to what
people don't understand is that that, in my opinion, being
bubbly and outgoing is also an instinctual motherly nurturing trait
that you like tribal instincts in order to like build
(21:15):
family and things like that. Right, Like, you have to
be able to make connection. We was going off you
being a damn introvert. We wouldn't have no family or friends. Okay,
Like who you think? Don't come watch these kids?
Speaker 3 (21:25):
You know what I'm saying. You in the neighborhood, you're
gonna need to drop something.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
And I think men can see that, like even if
it's like not who they are, I think that they
can appreciate that in a woman, because you need connection
and community to be able to thrive and have a family.
So I don't see, girl, this sounds like these are
just some lame men who got you know, insecurity.
Speaker 5 (21:46):
Issues just the tiny because I would have said word
for it. So it's not that I haven't gone off
to say I genuinely a group. Everything you said. If
I was to contribute to this, it's I'm gonna look at.
Speaker 6 (21:57):
This camera, right girl. People will come.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Your tribe will find you, you know, like know you're worth.
Your tribe will find you. Like to see has said,
I'm genuinely hearing the guys that are saying is to
there's an insecurity problem within themselves because maybe they've got
trust issues. They feel like you're bubbly, and because you're bubbly,
if you're with them, you're going to go outside and
someone's gonna, you know, take you away. It's a them problem.
(22:21):
You like this years said, it is a blessing. It's
funny as entrepreneurs like myself and to see when we
are coaching and we're telling people to network because network
is the best currency. And how are you going to
network if you're at home being an introvert. You're not
being you're not saying hello to every person.
Speaker 6 (22:38):
You need it.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
You need a community, you need to be to network
to be bubbly.
Speaker 6 (22:43):
So don't change, girl.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
There is someone out there that's going to love exactly
this thing that you've mentioned. It's going to be their
favorite thing about you. I promise you that.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Favorite thing now, seriously favorite thing. And it really works
so well, I know so many like one is like
the fun, outgoing person and one is just like, oh god, here.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
She goes again.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
You know, like it's just like it just works, you know,
And I think that, yeah, it's just there's like a
connection there.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
I feel like it really just works.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
And again, like I think that those are just like
womanly instincts that a smart man would really want see
see it as a benefit. He would see it as
a benefit because you know, let's just say a natural
disaster hits a flood, Like it's gonna be that same
extroverted girl that you thought was too bubbly, that's gonna
be down at the social soface services office trying to
(23:32):
get you know, FEMA or help for the hurricane or whatever.
You're not gonna do it because you won't even talk
to nobody, right, So I feel like a smart man
is going to really see that as a benefit. And
also just like you're a light in the best parts
about you and so no, he doesn't want to wipe
you because he has insecurities or trust issues or just
(23:52):
like maybe just some past trauma or whatever. But also too,
I think there's some man that is also a hint
of like possessiveness as well as like you don't want
that person to be for everybody. But I think there's
like a security and a man that's just like my
wife is out here doing it.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
Look at her.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
She out making friends. He should be proud. So yeah, girl,
leave him, whoever the guy is, whoever the guys you're
a meeting. I'm telling you you will definitely find your
tribe and people that would think that those are the best.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Part to you.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Seriously, seriously, seriously, I agree. Okay, So going to voice
me on number three. Ooh, okay, this one is a
little bit more serious, y'all. My sister's in danger again.
Speaker 8 (24:31):
A serious.
Speaker 7 (24:33):
Hi to see U. So, my sister is currently talking
to someone who she said slapped her. Now, before this
incident happened, she was in an abusive relationship.
Speaker 4 (24:45):
I already told her.
Speaker 7 (24:46):
I feel like this is unacceptable, but I want to
know what should I do. I don't want to be
too involved, but I want her to leave him. But
I think she's still talking to him, Like if you
don't want me to know about it, I feel like
she's sneaking around, still talking to him still seeing him.
I want her to know that she can come to
me without trying to judge her. But how can What
can I do? I don't know if I should tell
(25:07):
my father, my family, because I feel like once he
do it, he's going to do it again. And I
don't want her to be mistreated or even worse, something
could happen to her. People that get that angry and
put their hands or you is different.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
So what should I do?
Speaker 5 (25:24):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Yeah, so I have This is a near and dear
topic to me for several reasons. One because I've had
family members that are i mean years fourteen, seventeen, twenty
years worth of domestic abuse, and I deal with women
on a daily basis, Like my whole community is based
off of helping women, you know, get out of situations
(25:47):
like this. We've moved girls out of apartments, We've helped
them found shelters and.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Things like that.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
So this is something that is very near and dear
to me. There are so many layers to this, and
she touched throwing a few of them. One is that
you don't want her to feel judged, and you don't
you want her to be able to to speak to
you about these things. And this is in all different
kind of categories. When you talk about drug abuse, addiction,
(26:16):
all there's a shame and the guilt that that person
is already experiencing. And to you, it could seem like
he hits you, so leave, He hits you, so leave,
and it's just right. It sounds so simple and it's
really really not. My personal advice would be to get
as close to your sister as you can, because you
(26:36):
really need to understand the have an intimate relationship with
her to be able to know what is going on
with her, that you that she would accept this type
of treatment, because there is a pattern. She was dealing
with an abusive person before and now she's accepting this again.
And if you're not close enough to the problem, you
(26:57):
won't really understand it. And I think when I stepped
out of judgment and anger, because people don't realize how
difficult it is to watch a loved one go through this,
you be ready to kill the man, You be ready
to like you know, it's very very difficult, and you
have to take yourself.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
Out of it.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
And I've learned for myself, like the lecturing, it doesn't
work for them feeling judged they're gonna start sheltering, like
you said, like she said, they're gonna start stop telling
you things. And I think it's just like really kind
of a slippery slope. I would just really be as
close to your sister as you can, so you kind
of really know more details about what's going on, and
(27:38):
there's just gentle nudget that you can give that just
really reminding her of who she is and that there
is better things out there for her, and not even
focusing on the guide, but just like helping her realize
that there's more to life for her outside of outside
of the abusive relationship, even like hey girl, do you
know I know you say you want to go back
(27:58):
to school. Are you still gonna do that? You know,
like showing her that there is more to life than
what she actually has going on versus like why are
you talking to him? He ain't good for you? Like
that is just going to actually, even psychologically and mentally,
draw her more to the issue. If you keep telling
the kid, don't go in that jar, don't go in
that jar, They're going to be like, damn, what's in
(28:19):
a jar? Like I want to go over there. So
the more you emphasize the actual issue. It's just just
human nature. It's going to make her more curious about
it's going to pull out the rebel in her, and
so you kind of just want to focus more on
her and not the actual relationship itself.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
But it is.
Speaker 5 (28:37):
No amazing and that's amazing advice, and love the work
you're doing as well off camera with all these vulnerable women,
because it's not easy. I don't work on it as
much as you, but I do have a couple case
by case studies of people reaching out and the ones
I've dealt with. It's funny because obviously I didn't know
these questions whatnot, But your responses are literally what I
(28:58):
would have said. The first one. It's if I was
to give personal advice. It's I feel that when anyone's
going through anything, they know everyone knows, and it's the obvious,
like it's clear, Hi, guys, I've got a black eye.
Speaker 6 (29:15):
I am getting abused.
Speaker 5 (29:16):
I know that I am already dealing with that. So
my thing is, when you are with your sister or
whoever it is that's getting abused, talk about everything except
for the guy, because they're thinking before they've met you.
Let's just say you guys have met in New York.
We're gonna meet at Times Square, this location. When she
first greets you, she's naturally thinking, you're gonna ask me
(29:36):
about the black eye. You're gonna speak to me about
so and so. The best thing you can do as
a sister or a friend is, hey girl, your hair
looks good. You change the subjects because that automatically brings
down her defense mechanism, her anxiety when she was on
the train coming to meet you, because she was beating
herself up. Oh my gosh, she's gonna notice my eye?
Is she going to talk to me about so and so?
Speaker 4 (29:55):
So?
Speaker 5 (29:56):
The minute you just say, hey girl, I see no
neil polished. It looks good what we eat in today,
straight away her anxiety comes down. Once her anxiety comes down,
all you do is reminder of our home values, our faith,
how mom raised us, how dad raised us. But not
in a possessive way. It's just reassuring her, like girl,
remember when we was young, so and so and so,
(30:18):
reminding her of her personality, her morals. And then the
last part that I think you aced it in is
sometimes when you're in a relationship with all of us,
male female that might about the sex. You think this
is just it as much as it isn't you think
this is just it? All I know is this guy
or this woman. You got a reminder, Yes, he's a
(30:39):
part of your life. But look how big this life is.
You've got a whole community it loves you. If your
sister's got kids, let them know your nieces and nephews
adore you. She can then start seeing I have a
life out of this bubble without mentioning it. So it's
subtly just reminding her you're loved, you're cared for. There
is more to life. Get her back on her hobby,
get her back into church or school, whatever her religion is,
(31:01):
but do not mention him.
Speaker 6 (31:02):
You'll start seeing.
Speaker 5 (31:03):
She will start reaching out to you because she's like,
I'm around my sister who don't talk about this, And slowly, slowly,
once her confidence is built, her self love is built,
she'll wake up herself and realize I'm actually.
Speaker 6 (31:15):
Better than this.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Also, there's a anytime somebody is going through a rough
patch or a trial or i mean addiction or something,
there's her certain humility.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
Will go a long way.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
And when you are making her all the things you describe,
which was so good. You nail that just feeling seen
in her. But there's a humility, right, like you want
her to feel like she is a valuable part of
this world, like you know, there's nothing shameful about what
she's doing, and just like reminding her of the memories
and things. This is a crazy reach, but I'm gonna
(31:50):
tell y'all this story, long story short. I had a
friend who was actually experiencing a type of psychosis, and
we were very concerned about her, and so we were like, Okay,
we need to do like a mental wellness check on her,
like go over there with like the police and stuff
like that. And at the time, you know, they kind
of warned us that, like, you know, she may not
(32:12):
remember who you are. She may not and and she
may be aggressive, she may be mean, you know. And
one of the recommendations was to send her pictures of
you and her together, send her that girls trip that
y'all went on set, because it will like that type
of I'm talking about to reverse a psychosis, like somebody
like mentally like not being there, like those type of
(32:32):
memories and like the humanity, like the warmth that you're
bringing into this life, and so I think you were
spot on, like just showing her that there's so much
outside of this world and building her up without pinpointing.
It's almost like reverse psychology without pinpoints, and like making
her feel safe and seeing and also like a lot
of times, most times, actually almost all people that are
(32:56):
in abuse of relationships forgot who they are.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
They literally are lost.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
They forgot who they are and maybe they never knew
who they were. But I think like as a person
that's an advocate and an ally you know in her life,
you can do an amazing job of just reminding her that,
like the girl, remember when.
Speaker 3 (33:16):
You used to be you know, you was that girl
in high school.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
You know what I'm saying, Remember when you used to
day pooky it right way back in the day.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
And like, girl, remember when we went off on that
girl trip when we did this.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
It's like those type of things will really kind of
bring her back. And it may be a so let
me emphasize this, It may be a slow burn. This
is not a quick fix.
Speaker 5 (33:35):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Abuse can take years and years and years to really
and trust me, I know from personal experience, I'm talking
about years and years and years. But keep at it,
you know, like it may seem like it's not working
because she didn't leave come outter the third time you
said something. But I'm telling you just pick away at
it time and time and time again. And also lastly,
(33:57):
just you know, protect yourself as well. I think she
said that she didn't want to be overly invested in it,
and I think that from personal experience, it can really
weigh you down, and so monitor how much you are involved,
because I know that your sister. You want to help
her and save her and snap her back into reality.
But like everybody has choices, and she got the same
(34:20):
twenty four hours, and so there's like a mediation that
you have to do with the energy that you're going
to exert to that and the choices that she's making
as a grown adot on her own. So God bless
this woman. I hope that she she finds her way
back to herself, you know. And you a good sister,
a good sister for even being you know, concerned and yeah,
(34:44):
yeah that was good.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
That was really good.
Speaker 6 (34:46):
Yeah wholesome moment.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Yes, yes, yes, it's good for her, good for her.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
Okay, onto our beat you smell good segment. Okay, So
our feature fragrance. And so I always told you I
love to smell like a man, right, And so the
funny thing is that because Ray is here, I brought
a unisex fragrance that I have from Nishae and it's
called Fan Your Flames. And Ray actually has a decant
(35:11):
of it over there, so he's gonna be smelling it
with me. But the notes in this fragrance is coconnut, rum, tobacco, tanka,
oak moss, and Chinese cedar wood.
Speaker 3 (35:23):
It's just so good. I just love it. So you're ready, right,
let's right.
Speaker 6 (35:27):
Right good?
Speaker 3 (35:28):
Let me know what you think.
Speaker 6 (35:32):
Ooh, that's spicy.
Speaker 4 (35:34):
It's so good.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Okay, So the tonk do you smell the rum, rum, tobacco, tanka, oak, moss, Chinese.
This has really grown, y'all. This is like to me,
it's like a man's dream because coconut is like it's smooth,
and then like the rum is spicy, and tanka tanka
(35:56):
is just like a I think it's it's kind of
gritty's and then the Chinese cedar wood, you know, cedar
wood and santall is found in a lot of men's fragrances.
Speaker 5 (36:06):
So I absolutely I'm liking him.
Speaker 3 (36:08):
I absolutely love this race.
Speaker 5 (36:10):
Is he likes it?
Speaker 6 (36:11):
I can. I can, definitely I can.
Speaker 5 (36:13):
It's given me that that I can sense the tobacco
giving me.
Speaker 6 (36:18):
I'm a grown man.
Speaker 5 (36:20):
Uh, I've gone away on a business trip, and but
this business trip, I need to smell like I'm serious
but not too serious.
Speaker 6 (36:31):
So it's got that right balance.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Spray yours and let me know what your lady thinks.
Speaker 6 (36:40):
It's nice. It's definitely nice.
Speaker 3 (36:42):
What's it called, niche fan your flames? That's really good.
Speaker 6 (36:46):
Definitely take a picture of that. That's good.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
And also side note, nich is probably one of my favorite,
my favorite fragrance houses. And I probably have more than
i've I have from any other this time. Probably uh
Tusiana Toreenzi, I probably have the most. But anyways, y'all see.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
This dent in there, we all the way down here.
I just love it.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
It's sophisticated and for the translation of it, for a woman,
I feel like it's given like boyroom boss, lady, just like.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
Real grown you know, real gross AnyWho, niche fan your flames?
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Okay, So lastly, y'all, we have our red flag report
and this one is entitled Olympics Red Red Flag Olympics.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
She took gold. Okay.
Speaker 1 (37:36):
According to a viral TikTok video by Tessa cat the Brand,
a woman says that she stood by her baby daddy
after he was shot five times by the boyfriend of
the woman he was cheating with. At the time. She
and her partner had a five month old baby at home.
She rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night,
(37:59):
only to find three other women already there. Despite the
betrayal and trauma, she chose to stay, helped him through
recovery from paralysis, and says they eventually rekindled their relationship.
Speaker 8 (38:15):
Wow, are you playing this straight or okay?
Speaker 3 (38:22):
Let me tell you this the ride or dies stuff?
Speaker 1 (38:27):
I got questions like where were going and why I
gotta die? This is just absolutely insane. And let me
tell you what happens when a woman does all of
this type of stuff for a man. She thinks that
she's communicating to him that she's ride or die.
Speaker 3 (38:42):
She got his back.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
You want to know what this communicates to a man,
That you love me, that I must be him, that
I am that great. Literally, women think that the work
that they do for a man is showing him that
she's a good woman, and it's doing absolutely nothing but
boosting that person ego. Man is gonna be like, yo,
I must really be I must really be him for
(39:05):
her to be doing all this stuff. And so honestly
she should be embarrassed because there is no man on
this earth. Yeah, okay, three women at the hospital. Crazy,
You got a five month old at home. You you
rush to the hospital, three other women there, and then
he was shot five times by the boyfriend of the woman.
Speaker 6 (39:29):
It's just two toxic mane. There's so much.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
There's every time you made a decision, from the time
he was shot and you found out that he had
another woman that he was dealing with, and then you
got to the hospital and you find it all despite
the betrayal and trauma, she chose to say, you have
literally put yourself on like the lowest totem pole. When
(39:53):
I tell y'all, please be a difficult Danielle, I always say,
this's a patient. Pamela's the casual cathis the easy going Elizabeth.
That is not who you want to be. You have
done nothing but signal to this man that you feel
so low about yourself you will do anything this is
not the men that this is not the woman that
men want. Okay, there is a book and I forgot
(40:15):
I read it a few times and it calls it's
something like men don't date women like you, and it
basically is about teaching women how to really like a
level up and kind of speak man language. This is
you have had to sacrifice a piece of yourself so
much on all these different occasions. And I think she
thinks that it's showing that she's down, but it's it's
(40:38):
actually showing that you you have you value yourself so
low that you could and I can't think of anything
more grand because the cheating has already happened, betrayal, all
of this, and now this man through paralysis.
Speaker 5 (40:54):
Yeah, and then she's forba be guilty ethan ken in
her head. If I'm not with him through his hardest time,
I'm not a real one. Now. There's so many things
to unpack here, because for me, it's this right you
sticking by him. All you're really doing is letting him
feel that all of this that he's doing is normalized.
That's the first thing. The second thing is you've given
(41:16):
birth to a five year old?
Speaker 6 (41:18):
Was it a boy?
Speaker 1 (41:19):
Was a boy or girls didn't say okay right now.
Speaker 5 (41:23):
For me, it's this As a mother, you are a
nurturer and you're looking after your offsprings, whether you're an animal.
Speaker 6 (41:29):
Where you're a human. That's what mothers do.
Speaker 5 (41:31):
They nurture and look and they protect their children. You
are not protecting your child because for me, it's a
man's job is to build security and provide. Now he's
not secure, and he's not building you security, not just
for you, but for your child. There's guns involved, they're
shooting involved, there's other women involved.
Speaker 6 (41:48):
There's so much going on.
Speaker 5 (41:49):
And as a mother, for you, it's I've just had
a child. I need to protect this child. And the
security that I'm getting from this man is the opposite.
He's bringing fear into my life. He's bringing, you know,
things that probably weren't normal to her. He is normalizing
and you've forgiving him.
Speaker 6 (42:04):
You're sticking with him.
Speaker 5 (42:05):
You're actually making him think that there is nothing wrong
with what he's doing. I'm a massive believer especially with
men and boys. Boys learn through consequence, and it's hard.
It's hard for me to admit that because I am
a guy, but it's the truth.
Speaker 6 (42:19):
I didn't learn.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Mas, sequence and reward, fact Anserequence and reward, yes.
Speaker 5 (42:24):
You know, and sometimes as ugly as it is and
as bad as it is, I can look back now
at my I'm not going to give away my age,
but I'm old enough to look back and think some
of the consequences that her at that time.
Speaker 6 (42:36):
I genuinely needed it, you know.
Speaker 5 (42:38):
And with this gentleman here, whoever he is, you know,
I never wish bad on him, and obviously he's in
a bad way physically, but he actually needs some form
of consequence to change. But not just for him to
change these children's and trauma. Because he's bleeding on the kids,
he's bleeding on her. He's actually diminishing her whole generation.
Speaker 3 (42:54):
I'm not going to tell you how that's going to end. Okay.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
First of all, yeah, I was saying, Mas, six hundred
pounds life. You see how those six hundred pound people
always got a man, they got a partner, they got
a girlfriend, they got whatever. Okay, let me tell you
how that's gonna end, because we have already seen it.
This man has such the audacity and lack of respect.
You're going to nurture and care for him and his
paralysis and his he is going to be on Facebook Messenger.
(43:19):
He's going to be messaging other girls. He's going to
be I'm telling you how this is gonna end, sweetheart,
this You're going to waste your life. Okay, You're gonna
waste your life taking care of this man. And I
promise you from his bed, his paralyzed bed, he's gonna
be in there, girl, cheating on you from the phone.
I'm telling you, I've seen it with my own Swie's
(43:42):
gonna be in I've seen it with jailbirds. I've seen
it with men that are released from prison. Ain't got
a pot to pistol in the window to throw it
out of Okay, And they will come home from jail,
ain't got no money, no clothes, no place to say,
no nothing.
Speaker 6 (43:55):
And we'll be cheating.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
And you think you didn't held him down because he
been in this place for all and he will still
be cheated. This man will be in a wheelchair cheating
on you.
Speaker 3 (44:04):
Okay. He will be texting women.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
He'll be all type of sexual stepcorn videos, new pictures.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
He'll be all on the dating apps, cheating on you.
Speaker 1 (44:14):
I'm telling you, I've seen it so many times, and girl,
please do not waste your life.
Speaker 6 (44:19):
Please willness of you as well?
Speaker 5 (44:20):
To see something that I don't hear many speak about,
but it's very evident in today's generation.
Speaker 6 (44:26):
It's a deep one. Some people are genuinely addicted to chaos.
Speaker 5 (44:31):
Oh absolutely, no, I'm being.
Speaker 6 (44:32):
Dead to you now.
Speaker 3 (44:33):
I absolutely agree with that.
Speaker 5 (44:34):
And the vibes I'm getting from this gentleman is he is.
Whether it's conscious or not, he's addicted to chaos. So
the reason why I agree with you, whether he's in
the deathbed or whether he's in a jail, he's going
to want the chaos. He's gonna want to message more women,
regardless of his illness or his conditions. He's so addicted
to chaos that he can't just be still. He can't
(44:54):
just be one person, you know.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
The piggyback off of what you said.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
This type of woman, it's so desperate and just so
and this is with love. She's so desperate for love, attention,
and affection. That the craziest thing, and I'm telling you
it's gonna sound crazy, but I've seen this so many times.
She probably thinks that him being paralyzed is the best
fucking thing that ever happened to her? Ain't that crazy?
(45:19):
She probably thinks, Oh, hi, finally gotcha, Finally you.
Speaker 3 (45:22):
Can't cheat on me.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Now now I got you all to myself. And I've
seen this a lot where like, you know, the man
loses his job, so now he ain't got no car,
he can't go nowhere, he and that, and now a
woman is like great, great, awesome, got them all to myself.
And it's like, girl, if he couldn't be faithful to
you when he had two legs to walk around and
all of these things are happening. I pray that you
(45:45):
don't think that this is your big break to make
him commit, because I promise you, I promise you please
write me back because this is on the right end. Please,
I know that this man will be cheating on you
from his phone.
Speaker 5 (46:00):
And you know what this even if she does win,
when he's you know, bedbound, or he's got no more
money to cheat how he was the version of the
mind you've got, like you're settling for second, like you
know what I mean, It's like you're dealing with the crumbs,
like now he hasn't got no money, or now he
physically can't cheat.
Speaker 1 (46:18):
His mama just shout out to his mama five month
holding up baby, take your take your baby, and okay,
go on also too, like you gotta make One of
the things the biggest things that I have learned in
life is that you can't the more that you prevent
yourself from hitting the ground, like you gotta hit your
(46:40):
face on the ground. This man has caused so much
ruckets in your life and you come in with a
pillow as soon as he about to hit the floor.
Speaker 3 (46:48):
He never gonna learn his lesson.
Speaker 1 (46:49):
You gotta learn how to let people hit the floor.
And I'm talking about rock bottom cold.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
They don't know.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
And it's hard to watch people do that girl. Send
his ass back to his mama. Let somebody else take
care of him. You know, he got to sit in
what he's.
Speaker 5 (47:04):
Done consequence all that you you know.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
How much you have to sacrifice, not just he's physically incapable.
Speaker 5 (47:11):
Now yeah, yeah, he's gonna take a massive your taker.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Now, you got no love on this or love don't
cost you that much. And I said this before. Love
is not going to bankrupt you. And I had a
post that one viral when I talked about never give
somebody one hundred percent.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
And this is what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
This is this is the epitome of giving somebody one
hundred percent.
Speaker 5 (47:31):
Because you've loved him so much that you don't love
yourself anymore.
Speaker 3 (47:35):
It's like now you got zero, you got zero. Baby.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
Not only is you being lied to, cheated on, but
now you're taking care of somebody that's you know, paralyzed.
You got a five month old. This is literally a
walking billboard of a woman that gave a man one
hundred percent and ended up with nothing.
Speaker 6 (47:51):
I don't think anyone should give anyone one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
I say this all the time, and look, I was
everything but a child of God. And the comments when
I said that, Okay, but it's biblical.
Speaker 5 (48:00):
I think it's biblical, though you know, don't quote me
on it, but I'm sure that it is biblical where
it says the only thing you should give your all.
Speaker 6 (48:10):
Two is God.
Speaker 5 (48:12):
Because humans, it's not that we're bad people, but we're humans.
Speaker 6 (48:15):
We're flawed humans.
Speaker 5 (48:16):
You know, so for something to be so flawed, you
should never put your all in it because we don't
even know when we're not in control of our own selves,
like we're ill disciplined, where.
Speaker 6 (48:28):
We do so many mistakes.
Speaker 5 (48:29):
So anyone that is flawed, anyone that is a human
like what we are, we should never put our hundred
percent all in it. We should only put it in
the one thing that is guaranteed and that's perfect, which
is God.
Speaker 8 (48:39):
Absolutely I agree with that. AnyWho, what a real flag?
What a red flag?
Speaker 5 (48:45):
No, that's dangerous. That's more than a red flag. I
think you're underplaying that one.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
Where's the real flag? Olympicsd thing?
Speaker 1 (48:53):
Look she took go now, seriously, she took out in
a red flag report.
Speaker 3 (48:57):
Oh God bless her.
Speaker 8 (49:00):
Anyways, that's all bosting
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