April 29, 2025 • 28 mins
If you're curious about how somatic healing could help you this is a must listen!
Ashley Milus is a trauma-informed somatic grief and life transition coach who helps people navigate significant losses and life changes, including the death of a loved one, divorce, chronic illness, and other major transitions. Inspired by her own journey through loss, Ashley specializes in guiding clients through their healing process with a compassionate and holistic approach. She helps people process their emotions, feel deeply supported, rediscover their sense of self, and move forward with renewed strength.
Connect with Ashley:
https://www.instagram.com/ashleymilus
https://insighttimer.com/ashleymilus
https://www.ashleymilus.com
Ashley Milus is a trauma-informed somatic grief and life transition coach who helps people navigate significant losses and life changes, including the death of a loved one, divorce, chronic illness, and other major transitions. Inspired by her own journey through loss, Ashley specializes in guiding clients through their healing process with a compassionate and holistic approach. She helps people process their emotions, feel deeply supported, rediscover their sense of self, and move forward with renewed strength.
Connect with Ashley:
https://www.instagram.com/ashleymilus
https://insighttimer.com/ashleymilus
https://www.ashleymilus.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Wendy, and this is Divorce Doesn't Suck. I'm
talking all about the life you can live after divorce.
You'll hear regular people's stories about their divorces and how
they reinvented themselves and grew. You'll also get invaluable advice
from experts who serve in the divorce community. A little
about me. I'm a former TV producer and mom of two.
I got divorced in two thousand and eight when there
were really no outlets or platforms for me to turn to.
(00:22):
So I'm paying it forward and have created a platform
to help men and women learn that there absolutely is
a fresh, new and exciting life after divorce. Come with
me on this journey and paint your brand new blank
canvas of happily ever after divorce. This episode is brought
to in part by the Needle Kuda Law Firm Guidance
that Moves Lives Forward. Welcome to another episode of Divorce
(00:44):
Does and Second. Wendy Slung, your host and my guest today,
is a somatic grief and life transition coach. We're going
to find out what that means, what that is. She
helps people navigate to give significant losses and life changes
and she is inspired by this by her own journey
of life. Welcome to my show, Ashley Milis.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Thank you, it's so nice to be here. Thanks for
having me.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Oh, I'm so happy to have you here. This is
something that I've never heard of, a sematic grief and
life transition coach. What that means? What that is?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Okay, well, somatic I'll explain. I can explain a little
more in depth of what that is. But basically somatic.
That comes from the word the Greek word soma, which
means the body. So we're basically working with the body
to heal grief and move through life transitions. And I
(01:44):
probably need to give a better explanation than that, but
let's start there. I can get more in depth with
our conversation. I think it's going to make a little
more sense.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Okay, And so how did you tell us a little
bit about you and how your your journey, your journey
of loss, and how you got into this and how
it all started for you?
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Okay, Well, I got into this work because of my,
like you said, my own journey through many different losses.
So it started when I became sick with multiple chronic illnesses,
which led to loss after loss. I lost my career
because of my illness, and then I went through a
(02:24):
very difficult divorce. I tragically lost a dear friend of mine,
and just with so much loss and change happening, I
just eventually lost myself as well. I became very disconnected,
just didn't really know who I was anymore without these
people or things in my life. And I struggled for
(02:46):
a really long time, and I tried everything I could
to feel better, different therapies, different healing modalities, and I
just wasn't making much progress until I found somatic healing,
and I started working with a somatic practitioner and became
(03:07):
aware of just how much grief and trauma I was
holding in my body, and I started processing all of
the things that were keeping me stuck and holding me back,
and I really just started to come back to life again.
And the transformation was so powerful that I knew I
(03:29):
wanted to learn how to do this work and help
others in the same way. And you know, grief and
loss is something that we all go through in our
lives at some point in time, but it's not always
something that we take care of in the way that
we should. And sometimes I think we don't even realize
we're grieving a lot of times. I think when we
(03:55):
think of grief, we think of it relating to when
someone dies, right, But there it can experience grief with
all different kinds of losses, and divorce being a huge
one because we're not only experiencing the loss of relationship.
There's so many other losses, right Like it could be
(04:17):
a loss of a home, friends, family, a community, and
the loss of this vision of what we thought our
life was going to be. And all of those losses
are so overwhelming it can really kind of wreck us
as a person. And I'm here to help people through
that and help them know that they can heal and
(04:41):
get to the other side and really have beautiful lives.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
You are exactly what my show is because I started
this show I was divorced a very long time ago,
but I wanted to make a difference in the divorce world.
And because there were no podcasts when I got divorced,
and there weren't things like somatic healing and all that stuff.
So I said, well, I want to make a difference
because basically, but I want it to be a beautiful difference,
(05:09):
Like this is what happened to me. This is how
I got to the other side, and this is how
I'm living my best two point oh three point oh
whatever life that I'm living. I mean, I had someone
on here who was divorced three times and in her
fourth marriage and living her best life, but because of
their experience from loss and divorce is a loss because
it's a death of a dream, it's a death of
a it's a death of what was.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
You go, you know, we're some you're going through that
and then you got to the other side. So here
we are and this is what happened to you. Yes,
we're making and most people that have gone that have
been on this show are going went through the divorce
and are here because they're making a difference because they're
sharing their story, because they're telling people they're not alone
and you can be helped and this is we can
(05:54):
help you. And so amazing. But wow, so a lot
of losses you had, Yeah, divorced, I mean, how did
you What was the moment that you were like, I
got to help myself that you knew were you were?
You crumbling? You said your life, life was falling up.
What was that? When was that moment?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Yes, I mean there there was a moment that I
had that I, especially with the illnesses, I was just
I mean falling apart, and then the divorce on top
of that was just oh, it was so much. And
there was a point I remember looking at myself in
the mirror and kind of like not recognizing myself, like
(06:37):
who am I? Who am I? You know, I didn't
know who I was anymore and felt so lost and
empty and kind of just dead inside. And that was
really scary for me, and that really put me on
this healing journey of like I've got to find my
way back to me. I don't want to live like this.
(06:58):
And it took me years, though to really figure out
how to move forward and heal. And I tried so
many different things, and I think, you know, so many
of us fall into like trying to fix it mentally right,
like mindset work and affirmations and you know, traditional toch
(07:20):
therapy that just really wasn't working for me. Actually even
created more shame because I was doing all of these
things to get better, but then I wasn't really getting
better and I felt a lot of shame for that.
And that's when I found somatic work was which was
really getting in touch with healing. How I was experiencing
(07:46):
all of that in my body, Like all of the feelings, emotions,
the experience was all getting stored in my body. And
that wasn't really anything I could think my way through.
I had to go in and really feel it and
process it to feel better and move forward.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Not not to notch a therapy. I'm sure it's helped
millions of people and it's yeah, But for me, the
way I look at therapy that it jrudges up the
past over and over and over again. It doesn't let
you move forward, or at least that's my experience from
people that have talked to me that have found other
(08:24):
ways to heal themselves and to get themselves to the
other side. Like you have, I feel like this therapy
kind of just let's keep talking about the past, the past,
the past, and then how do you but we want
to get past that. So the past happened, let's move
on and how can we get ourselves healed?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Right? And I think and just like you said, therapy
is great for a lot of different things, right, but
it's not always the right fit for everything and for
every person. We're all different and need different things. And
a traditional talk therapy is great for like a cognitive
understanding of you know, looking at our thought pattern and
our behaviors and everything like that. And that's one aspect
(09:04):
of healing that's very important. But there's other big aspect
of healing, which is how we hold everything within our
bodies and these experience, like I said, these experiences, feelings, emotions, traumas,
it can get stored away and if we're not processing
it on a body level, then we're just stuck. And
(09:25):
so we can't really think our way out of that.
We really have to use our whole body to heal
our mind and our body, soul. It's very spiritual everything.
So that's kind of what the somatic work does, is
it kind of pulls it all together. It helps us
find those missing pieces too, like, because we can be
in therapy for a long time and kind of kind
(09:46):
of get somewhere, but then a lot of times, especially
with like grief work and things like that, we hit
a plateau. And that's usually because we got to go
in a little deeper, right.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
And it's a holistic approach as well, right, Yes, something
that I love too. I think we don't realize that
when we're going through loss and grief and heartache and
divorce and losing people and career changes and career losses
and all the things multiple losses and things that happen,
we don't realize what's going on in our body because
(10:20):
it is affecting your body.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Oh yeah, well, and a lot of that is because
of our nervous system is kind of shutting down things
to protect us. Right, Like, our nervous system is a
really big part of this, because the role of our
nervous system is to protect us and to keep us safe,
help us survive. Right, So, when we're going through a
(10:45):
divorce and oh my gosh, so many big emotions, feelings changes,
nothing feels safe about that, right, And so our nervous
system goes into these different protective states, which one of
those states is like a freeze and shut down state,
which causes us to shut off our feelings. We kind
(11:06):
of don't feel our body. We kind of get a
brain fog in a way, We kind of shut things off,
which is our nervous system's way of protecting us. It's
like this is all too much to feel, and so
I'm going to kind of shut off for a while
kind of go numb, and that's a really smart response
and we need that, but sometimes what can happen is
(11:29):
we can get stuck in that response and then we
can become really disconnected, kind of feeling helpless, kind of
shut off from ourselves in the world. And so it's
really important to work with the nervous system and help
(11:49):
us get back into balance because if we get stuck
in that state, we can't really process our feelings and
all of the emotions, the traumas inside everything can kind
of just get stuck in our body. We really need
a sense of safety to be able to do that.
So that's why within somatic work, it's really working a
lot with the nervous system as well. And that's a
(12:11):
big difference from like a traditional talk therapist, so we're
not really working with the nervous system and with that
kind of a therapy.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
So interesting. We're going to take a quick break to
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so tell us more about the nervous system, how it's
a key how it plays a key part, key piece,
and transitioning grief and moving forward. So interesting this and
(13:29):
also I want to ask you when you found when
you found how did you find this? Where you just
rea like, how did it all come to you after
all your losses?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
How I'm trying to even remember how I found somebody
I mean I was just searching anything and everything. I
tried pretty much anything you said, you name it, I
did it. And that was just one of the things
that I tried that I was like, oh, wow, this
is a completely different experience than anything I've ever felt before.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
So when you go go, you actually went to somebody.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Yeah, I started working. I worked with both a somatic
Experiencing practitioner, which works directly with trauma, and then I
also worked with a somatic coach is as well. And
the only way I can explain it is it just
went so much deeper into the layers. There were parts
(14:28):
of me that needed healing that I didn't even know
needed healing. I didn't even know that we're there, and
it just everything kind of made sense when I went
into the body to kind of figure out, oh, this
is why there's so much here, you know, because there's
often so much going on within us, then our thinking
mind can comprehend you don't really know, kind of going
(14:51):
back to the nervous system, you know, our nervous system
is kind of like the bridge that connects our mind
and our body. So there's signals going from our brain
to our body and also our body to our brain, right, Well,
eighty percent of those signals are going from our body
(15:12):
to our brain and only twenty percent from our brain
to our body. So there's so much going on within
the body, and when we're not listening to that part,
we're really missing out on eighty percent of those signals.
They just they have so much knowledge and wisdom for us,
so it's really important for our healing.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Amazing. So do you see a major difference with people
that come to you and the people that find you?
Are they mostly you said divorce is your specialty. Do
you find that it's a lot of people that are
going through divorce.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Yeah, I work. I work mainly with there's a lot
of clients that are coming in with divorce. There's also
coming and people coming in that have experienced the death
of a loved one, and also I work with people
with crime illness as well. There's a lot of losses
with that too, So those are kind of my top three.
But I've worked with people with just breakups before, friend losses,
(16:10):
you know, all kinds of different losses that people are
just really struggling with.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
So if you hadn't gone through all these things, all
these losses, you wouldn't be doing what you're doing today.
You want to be where you are today, be healthy,
self helping others and making a difference. What are three
key elements to rebuild yourself after loss, creating a new
way of living and building a greater capacity to navigate
lives ups and downs.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Well, there the three elements that I work with are
let's see, it's support, processing and rebuilding. So support has
two sides to it. There's the external support and then
there's the self support. So the external support are you know,
(16:54):
our family, our friends, support groups, professional support. And I
really spend some time with clients looking at what are
your sources of support and are they actually supportive? Because
sometimes we're receiving support that's not really helpful or isn't
really feeling good, And so we can go in somatically
(17:15):
and kind of check in with the body like how
is this feeling? Is this really what I need? Or
is that not helpful? And then the self support is
a lot of the teaching that I will do as
far as how they can help themselves by supporting their
nervous system, emotional regulation, treating themselves with self compassion. And
(17:41):
then during the rebuilding phase, we're really looking at what
their vision is for life, like what do they want
life to be? And sometimes that's easier to think of
in our mind of how we want it to be,
but it's not as easy to get there, right, So
we're looking at how did this experience, how is it
(18:03):
still living in our body? Are there things that are
keeping us stuck that we need to kind of work
through and process before we can get to that next
place we want to be?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
So, yeah, it sounds very nice. It sounds very healing
and soothing, and I'm trying to think of the right word.
It just sounds it sounds so good for your well being.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
It it's and you know, it's so funny when when
my I get like some new clients and we'll have
like one or two sessions, it's it's always this surprised
look on their face, like, oh wow, what just happened?
Like that that was that was amazing, or that that
was magical. Because so many of us are really disconnected
(18:49):
from ourselves, and when we can kind of get a
piece of that connection and kind of feel things and
feel things shift and move, it's just, oh it does.
It feels so good And it's just a very different experience.
That's what everyone says is it's just I had a
client the other day just say I've never experienced anything
(19:09):
like this, and it's just it's so helpful. You know,
they've been going to years of therapy. Again, nothing against therapy,
it was like I experienced. I just this was so
much more helpful in just two sessions than like these
years of therapy. Like I feel like I got somewhere.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
You know, what brought you to a whole nother place
after all your so obviously since that happened to You're like,
oh I need to help other people. This was life change.
This was life changing for you sometime.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yes, right for sure.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Yeah, actually Miles today, so how are you today?
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I'm really good. I cannot say I'm completely fully, one
hundred percent healed, but I don't know if we ever
are right. I mean, but I mean, I, like I said,
in the beginning, I was so lost, like who am I?
You know, didn't even recognize myself anymore. And now I
feel like just the most beautiful version of myself. Like
(20:12):
I love myself more than I ever had before. I'm
more connected, I understand myself. I'm really tuned into what
I need and you know I can. It's just I
have the most beautiful relationship with myself and it was
all a gift, you know. It's like I went through
(20:32):
so much suffering to get to this place, but I
wouldn't change it because I do live life so differently
and it is a much more beautiful way to live
my life and to be in this connection with myself,
and then I get to help people in the same way,
which is just like that's really what makes me feel
(20:53):
alive and I love doing that.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
You know that I love myself, like I'm having this
beautiful life with myself, because you really can't be happy
with someone else until you're happy with yourself. Other people
can't make you happy, right, We talk about that often.
You know, you have to be happy first. So you've
you've done all the work to get yourself here. That's
(21:18):
pretty amazing.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Yes, somatic work really brings this self awareness, that an
awareness that I never ever had before. You know, it's
just on such a deeper level and so you can
just take care of yourself so much better and just
go through And it's not even just the work that
I do with people. It doesn't just help you get
(21:40):
through the divorce and the stuff you're going through at
the moment. It's really giving you tools to have, you know,
just a bigger capacity to deal with all of life's
stuff that it's going to be thrown at us, right,
the good, the bad, just having more capacity to be
with it all.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I was going to say, after they finish their work
with you, they have these tools to go on and
to continue to use them over and over again if
they need us and when they.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Get them, yes, yes, And I think that's that's also
the big difference between like therapy and the somatic work,
because I don't want them to just be relying on
the hour they're with me in the session. You know,
of course that's going to feel good and supportive, but
I want them to know how to support themselves too,
because all the rest of the time they're not with me,
(22:28):
and so we're building that building that capacity the whole time.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You work with people that are via zoom like how
we're doing it. Do you work with people that way?
Do you work with people all over? And also like
what's the best way for people to learn about your
work and to you know, get to you tell us that.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Yes, I work with people virtually on Zoom. If people
are local and I'm in Los Angeles, they can come
to me in person, but most of my clients are
from Zoom. I have within the country. I have some
international clients as well, so it's really neat like people
can have this experience from the kind of comfort of
(23:12):
their own space, which is really nice. I think that
helps people feel comfortable a lot. As far as learning
more about me and my work. You can visit my
website Ashleymilist dot com or find me on Instagram. And
I just encourage anyone who's listening to this right now
(23:33):
that thinks, oh, I'd really like to explore this more.
Maybe this could help me to book a free consultation
with me. I would love to listen to you and
really hear your story and see how I can help you.
And it's a free call. There's nothing to lose, if anything,
I would just love to talk and help people feel
(23:55):
seen and heard and supported. So I'm sure maybe you
could put that link in your show notes as well
to book that.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Absolutely everything will be up in the shows. I've never
heard of it before, so you were the first person
that's brought it. So I'm so happy that you brought
it here and that we all can learn from this
and get to know you and get to know what
that is and and and heal ourselves. Pretty amazing, amazing stuff.
And especially because you went through so many things and
(24:23):
then you found your your better self. That's a happy story.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
And so how long So for your divorce? How long
were you married?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
I was married for eight years?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
And is there a new person in your life? Are
you ready for that yet or is that's not happy?
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yes? Yes, yes, there is actually a new person. We've
been together for five years. Funny enough, he was we
dated in the past too, so he was someone from
the past that came back and he's amazing. And like
you said, it's it's it's you know, I'm the best
version of me right now. I feel I love myself.
(25:06):
I'm so connected to myself. So it is so much
easier to be in a new relationship with that foundation
as well.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
So, and what's your advice to people out there that
are like, I don't know, I don't know how to
heal myself. Come see you?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, yeah, come see me, and let's explore what's what's
going on inside? Like what you know, all these experiences
we go through in our life. If we're not properly
processing them, they're getting stuck within us and they're really,
like I said, they're just keeping us stuck, right, And
so let's go inside and explore and see what's going on.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I feel like you really get to the root of everything.
It's not like it's like let me give you a
let me give you a pill for this, or let
me like so many people. It's just you get inside
the body.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Yeah, yeah, because there's this language of the body that
you know, we're listening to different emotions, like body sensations,
the way our body moves, we're looking at our nervous
system responses, and that language of the body just tells
us so much. We can really understand on such a
deeper level of what's truly going on with us, like
(26:19):
what needs to be acknowledged, what needs to happen in
order for us to process and move forward. Like I said,
it just kind of connects the dots and it fills
in like these missing pieces of why am I still
in this place? Why do I still feel like the
way that I feel? You know, we help get to
that and understand that and move and process, and you
(26:43):
just feel different, amazing.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
And happier, and it continues and then you have these
tools to continue to help yourself through through all of
life's ups and downs and journeys.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Right, And that's the biggest part, because it's like this
is not the only thing we're going to go through, right,
There's going to be more, unfortunately, but yeah, So it's
a beautiful way to learn how to take care of
yourself through life.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
I love it. Somatic Grief and Life Transition Coach. Divorce
is one of her specialties, but she does a lot
of other things. Ashley Milis. All her stuff will be up.
I encourage you to go visit her. It's so interesting
and I love the approach. I think it's just wonderful.
So thank you so much for sharing that with us today.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
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(28:16):
two O three five five seven nine five zero zero
Hi, I'm Wendy, and this is Divorce Doesn't Suck. I'm
talking all about the life you can live after divorce.
You'll hear regular people's stories about their divorces and how
they reinvented themselves and grew. You'll also get invaluable advice
from experts who serve in the divorce community. A little
about me. I'm a former TV producer and mom of two.
I got divorced in two thousand and eight when there
were really no outlets or platforms for me to turn to.
(00:22):
So I'm paying it forward and have created a platform
to help men and women learn that there absolutely is
a fresh, new and exciting life after divorce. Come with
me on this journey and paint your brand new blank
canvas of happily ever after divorce. This episode is brought
to in part by the Needle Kuda Law Firm Guidance
that Moves Lives Forward. Welcome to another episode of Divorce
(00:44):
Does and Second. Wendy Slung, your host and my guest today,
is a somatic grief and life transition coach. We're going
to find out what that means, what that is. She
helps people navigate to give significant losses and life changes
and she is inspired by this by her own journey
of life. Welcome to my show, Ashley Milis.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Thank you, it's so nice to be here. Thanks for
having me.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Oh, I'm so happy to have you here. This is
something that I've never heard of, a sematic grief and
life transition coach. What that means? What that is?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Okay, well, somatic I'll explain. I can explain a little
more in depth of what that is. But basically somatic.
That comes from the word the Greek word soma, which
means the body. So we're basically working with the body
to heal grief and move through life transitions. And I
(01:44):
probably need to give a better explanation than that, but
let's start there. I can get more in depth with
our conversation. I think it's going to make a little
more sense.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Okay, And so how did you tell us a little
bit about you and how your your journey, your journey
of loss, and how you got into this and how
it all started for you?
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Okay, Well, I got into this work because of my,
like you said, my own journey through many different losses.
So it started when I became sick with multiple chronic illnesses,
which led to loss after loss. I lost my career
because of my illness, and then I went through a
(02:24):
very difficult divorce. I tragically lost a dear friend of mine,
and just with so much loss and change happening, I
just eventually lost myself as well. I became very disconnected,
just didn't really know who I was anymore without these
people or things in my life. And I struggled for
(02:46):
a really long time, and I tried everything I could
to feel better, different therapies, different healing modalities, and I
just wasn't making much progress until I found somatic healing,
and I started working with a somatic practitioner and became
(03:07):
aware of just how much grief and trauma I was
holding in my body, and I started processing all of
the things that were keeping me stuck and holding me back,
and I really just started to come back to life again.
And the transformation was so powerful that I knew I
(03:29):
wanted to learn how to do this work and help
others in the same way. And you know, grief and
loss is something that we all go through in our
lives at some point in time, but it's not always
something that we take care of in the way that
we should. And sometimes I think we don't even realize
we're grieving a lot of times. I think when we
(03:55):
think of grief, we think of it relating to when
someone dies, right, But there it can experience grief with
all different kinds of losses, and divorce being a huge
one because we're not only experiencing the loss of relationship.
There's so many other losses, right Like it could be
(04:17):
a loss of a home, friends, family, a community, and
the loss of this vision of what we thought our
life was going to be. And all of those losses
are so overwhelming it can really kind of wreck us
as a person. And I'm here to help people through
that and help them know that they can heal and
(04:41):
get to the other side and really have beautiful lives.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
You are exactly what my show is because I started
this show I was divorced a very long time ago,
but I wanted to make a difference in the divorce world.
And because there were no podcasts when I got divorced,
and there weren't things like somatic healing and all that stuff.
So I said, well, I want to make a difference
because basically, but I want it to be a beautiful difference,
(05:09):
Like this is what happened to me. This is how
I got to the other side, and this is how
I'm living my best two point oh three point oh
whatever life that I'm living. I mean, I had someone
on here who was divorced three times and in her
fourth marriage and living her best life, but because of
their experience from loss and divorce is a loss because
it's a death of a dream, it's a death of
a it's a death of what was.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
You go, you know, we're some you're going through that
and then you got to the other side. So here
we are and this is what happened to you. Yes,
we're making and most people that have gone that have
been on this show are going went through the divorce
and are here because they're making a difference because they're
sharing their story, because they're telling people they're not alone
and you can be helped and this is we can
(05:54):
help you. And so amazing. But wow, so a lot
of losses you had, Yeah, divorced, I mean, how did
you What was the moment that you were like, I
got to help myself that you knew were you were?
You crumbling? You said your life, life was falling up.
What was that? When was that moment?
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Yes, I mean there there was a moment that I
had that I, especially with the illnesses, I was just
I mean falling apart, and then the divorce on top
of that was just oh, it was so much. And
there was a point I remember looking at myself in
the mirror and kind of like not recognizing myself, like
(06:37):
who am I? Who am I? You know, I didn't
know who I was anymore and felt so lost and
empty and kind of just dead inside. And that was
really scary for me, and that really put me on
this healing journey of like I've got to find my
way back to me. I don't want to live like this.
(06:58):
And it took me years, though to really figure out
how to move forward and heal. And I tried so
many different things, and I think, you know, so many
of us fall into like trying to fix it mentally right,
like mindset work and affirmations and you know, traditional toch
(07:20):
therapy that just really wasn't working for me. Actually even
created more shame because I was doing all of these
things to get better, but then I wasn't really getting
better and I felt a lot of shame for that.
And that's when I found somatic work was which was
really getting in touch with healing. How I was experiencing
(07:46):
all of that in my body, Like all of the feelings, emotions,
the experience was all getting stored in my body. And
that wasn't really anything I could think my way through.
I had to go in and really feel it and
process it to feel better and move forward.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Not not to notch a therapy. I'm sure it's helped
millions of people and it's yeah, But for me, the
way I look at therapy that it jrudges up the
past over and over and over again. It doesn't let
you move forward, or at least that's my experience from
people that have talked to me that have found other
(08:24):
ways to heal themselves and to get themselves to the
other side. Like you have, I feel like this therapy
kind of just let's keep talking about the past, the past,
the past, and then how do you but we want
to get past that. So the past happened, let's move
on and how can we get ourselves healed?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Right? And I think and just like you said, therapy
is great for a lot of different things, right, but
it's not always the right fit for everything and for
every person. We're all different and need different things. And
a traditional talk therapy is great for like a cognitive
understanding of you know, looking at our thought pattern and
our behaviors and everything like that. And that's one aspect
(09:04):
of healing that's very important. But there's other big aspect
of healing, which is how we hold everything within our
bodies and these experience, like I said, these experiences, feelings, emotions, traumas,
it can get stored away and if we're not processing
it on a body level, then we're just stuck. And
(09:25):
so we can't really think our way out of that.
We really have to use our whole body to heal
our mind and our body, soul. It's very spiritual everything.
So that's kind of what the somatic work does, is
it kind of pulls it all together. It helps us
find those missing pieces too, like, because we can be
in therapy for a long time and kind of kind
(09:46):
of get somewhere, but then a lot of times, especially
with like grief work and things like that, we hit
a plateau. And that's usually because we got to go
in a little deeper, right.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
And it's a holistic approach as well, right, Yes, something
that I love too. I think we don't realize that
when we're going through loss and grief and heartache and
divorce and losing people and career changes and career losses
and all the things multiple losses and things that happen,
we don't realize what's going on in our body because
(10:20):
it is affecting your body.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Oh yeah, well, and a lot of that is because
of our nervous system is kind of shutting down things
to protect us. Right, Like, our nervous system is a
really big part of this, because the role of our
nervous system is to protect us and to keep us safe,
help us survive. Right, So, when we're going through a
(10:45):
divorce and oh my gosh, so many big emotions, feelings changes,
nothing feels safe about that, right, And so our nervous
system goes into these different protective states, which one of
those states is like a freeze and shut down state,
which causes us to shut off our feelings. We kind
(11:06):
of don't feel our body. We kind of get a
brain fog in a way, We kind of shut things off,
which is our nervous system's way of protecting us. It's
like this is all too much to feel, and so
I'm going to kind of shut off for a while
kind of go numb, and that's a really smart response
and we need that, but sometimes what can happen is
(11:29):
we can get stuck in that response and then we
can become really disconnected, kind of feeling helpless, kind of
shut off from ourselves in the world. And so it's
really important to work with the nervous system and help
(11:49):
us get back into balance because if we get stuck
in that state, we can't really process our feelings and
all of the emotions, the traumas inside everything can kind
of just get stuck in our body. We really need
a sense of safety to be able to do that.
So that's why within somatic work, it's really working a
lot with the nervous system as well. And that's a
(12:11):
big difference from like a traditional talk therapist, so we're
not really working with the nervous system and with that
kind of a therapy.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
So interesting. We're going to take a quick break to
take a listen to one of our sponsors. We'll be
right back with Ashley Milis. She is a somatic Grief
in life transition COSE. Divorce is one of her specialties.
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so tell us more about the nervous system, how it's
a key how it plays a key part, key piece,
and transitioning grief and moving forward. So interesting this and
(13:29):
also I want to ask you when you found when
you found how did you find this? Where you just
rea like, how did it all come to you after
all your losses?
Speaker 2 (13:40):
How I'm trying to even remember how I found somebody
I mean I was just searching anything and everything. I
tried pretty much anything you said, you name it, I
did it. And that was just one of the things
that I tried that I was like, oh, wow, this
is a completely different experience than anything I've ever felt before.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
So when you go go, you actually went to somebody.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Yeah, I started working. I worked with both a somatic
Experiencing practitioner, which works directly with trauma, and then I
also worked with a somatic coach is as well. And
the only way I can explain it is it just
went so much deeper into the layers. There were parts
(14:28):
of me that needed healing that I didn't even know
needed healing. I didn't even know that we're there, and
it just everything kind of made sense when I went
into the body to kind of figure out, oh, this
is why there's so much here, you know, because there's
often so much going on within us, then our thinking
mind can comprehend you don't really know, kind of going
(14:51):
back to the nervous system, you know, our nervous system
is kind of like the bridge that connects our mind
and our body. So there's signals going from our brain
to our body and also our body to our brain, right, Well,
eighty percent of those signals are going from our body
(15:12):
to our brain and only twenty percent from our brain
to our body. So there's so much going on within
the body, and when we're not listening to that part,
we're really missing out on eighty percent of those signals.
They just they have so much knowledge and wisdom for us,
so it's really important for our healing.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Amazing. So do you see a major difference with people
that come to you and the people that find you?
Are they mostly you said divorce is your specialty. Do
you find that it's a lot of people that are
going through divorce.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Yeah, I work. I work mainly with there's a lot
of clients that are coming in with divorce. There's also
coming and people coming in that have experienced the death
of a loved one, and also I work with people
with crime illness as well. There's a lot of losses
with that too, So those are kind of my top three.
But I've worked with people with just breakups before, friend losses,
(16:10):
you know, all kinds of different losses that people are
just really struggling with.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
So if you hadn't gone through all these things, all
these losses, you wouldn't be doing what you're doing today.
You want to be where you are today, be healthy,
self helping others and making a difference. What are three
key elements to rebuild yourself after loss, creating a new
way of living and building a greater capacity to navigate
lives ups and downs.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Well, there the three elements that I work with are
let's see, it's support, processing and rebuilding. So support has
two sides to it. There's the external support and then
there's the self support. So the external support are you know,
(16:54):
our family, our friends, support groups, professional support. And I
really spend some time with clients looking at what are
your sources of support and are they actually supportive? Because
sometimes we're receiving support that's not really helpful or isn't
really feeling good, And so we can go in somatically
(17:15):
and kind of check in with the body like how
is this feeling? Is this really what I need? Or
is that not helpful? And then the self support is
a lot of the teaching that I will do as
far as how they can help themselves by supporting their
nervous system, emotional regulation, treating themselves with self compassion. And
(17:41):
then during the rebuilding phase, we're really looking at what
their vision is for life, like what do they want
life to be? And sometimes that's easier to think of
in our mind of how we want it to be,
but it's not as easy to get there, right, So
we're looking at how did this experience, how is it
(18:03):
still living in our body? Are there things that are
keeping us stuck that we need to kind of work
through and process before we can get to that next
place we want to be?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
So, yeah, it sounds very nice. It sounds very healing
and soothing, and I'm trying to think of the right word.
It just sounds it sounds so good for your well being.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
It it's and you know, it's so funny when when
my I get like some new clients and we'll have
like one or two sessions, it's it's always this surprised
look on their face, like, oh wow, what just happened?
Like that that was that was amazing, or that that
was magical. Because so many of us are really disconnected
(18:49):
from ourselves, and when we can kind of get a
piece of that connection and kind of feel things and
feel things shift and move, it's just, oh it does.
It feels so good And it's just a very different experience.
That's what everyone says is it's just I had a
client the other day just say I've never experienced anything
(19:09):
like this, and it's just it's so helpful. You know,
they've been going to years of therapy. Again, nothing against therapy,
it was like I experienced. I just this was so
much more helpful in just two sessions than like these
years of therapy. Like I feel like I got somewhere.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
You know, what brought you to a whole nother place
after all your so obviously since that happened to You're like,
oh I need to help other people. This was life change.
This was life changing for you sometime.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yes, right for sure.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Yeah, actually Miles today, so how are you today?
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I'm really good. I cannot say I'm completely fully, one
hundred percent healed, but I don't know if we ever
are right. I mean, but I mean, I, like I said,
in the beginning, I was so lost, like who am I?
You know, didn't even recognize myself anymore. And now I
feel like just the most beautiful version of myself. Like
(20:12):
I love myself more than I ever had before. I'm
more connected, I understand myself. I'm really tuned into what
I need and you know I can. It's just I
have the most beautiful relationship with myself and it was
all a gift, you know. It's like I went through
(20:32):
so much suffering to get to this place, but I
wouldn't change it because I do live life so differently
and it is a much more beautiful way to live
my life and to be in this connection with myself,
and then I get to help people in the same way,
which is just like that's really what makes me feel
(20:53):
alive and I love doing that.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
You know that I love myself, like I'm having this
beautiful life with myself, because you really can't be happy
with someone else until you're happy with yourself. Other people
can't make you happy, right, We talk about that often.
You know, you have to be happy first. So you've
you've done all the work to get yourself here. That's
(21:18):
pretty amazing.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Yes, somatic work really brings this self awareness, that an
awareness that I never ever had before. You know, it's
just on such a deeper level and so you can
just take care of yourself so much better and just
go through And it's not even just the work that
I do with people. It doesn't just help you get
(21:40):
through the divorce and the stuff you're going through at
the moment. It's really giving you tools to have, you know,
just a bigger capacity to deal with all of life's
stuff that it's going to be thrown at us, right,
the good, the bad, just having more capacity to be
with it all.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I was going to say, after they finish their work
with you, they have these tools to go on and
to continue to use them over and over again if
they need us and when they.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Get them, yes, yes, And I think that's that's also
the big difference between like therapy and the somatic work,
because I don't want them to just be relying on
the hour they're with me in the session. You know,
of course that's going to feel good and supportive, but
I want them to know how to support themselves too,
because all the rest of the time they're not with me,
(22:28):
and so we're building that building that capacity the whole time.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You work with people that are via zoom like how
we're doing it. Do you work with people that way?
Do you work with people all over? And also like
what's the best way for people to learn about your
work and to you know, get to you tell us that.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Yes, I work with people virtually on Zoom. If people
are local and I'm in Los Angeles, they can come
to me in person, but most of my clients are
from Zoom. I have within the country. I have some
international clients as well, so it's really neat like people
can have this experience from the kind of comfort of
(23:12):
their own space, which is really nice. I think that
helps people feel comfortable a lot. As far as learning
more about me and my work. You can visit my
website Ashleymilist dot com or find me on Instagram. And
I just encourage anyone who's listening to this right now
(23:33):
that thinks, oh, I'd really like to explore this more.
Maybe this could help me to book a free consultation
with me. I would love to listen to you and
really hear your story and see how I can help you.
And it's a free call. There's nothing to lose, if anything,
I would just love to talk and help people feel
(23:55):
seen and heard and supported. So I'm sure maybe you
could put that link in your show notes as well
to book that.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Absolutely everything will be up in the shows. I've never
heard of it before, so you were the first person
that's brought it. So I'm so happy that you brought
it here and that we all can learn from this
and get to know you and get to know what
that is and and and heal ourselves. Pretty amazing, amazing stuff.
And especially because you went through so many things and
(24:23):
then you found your your better self. That's a happy story.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
And so how long So for your divorce? How long
were you married?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
I was married for eight years?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
And is there a new person in your life? Are
you ready for that yet or is that's not happy?
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yes? Yes, yes, there is actually a new person. We've
been together for five years. Funny enough, he was we
dated in the past too, so he was someone from
the past that came back and he's amazing. And like
you said, it's it's it's you know, I'm the best
version of me right now. I feel I love myself.
(25:06):
I'm so connected to myself. So it is so much
easier to be in a new relationship with that foundation
as well.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
So, and what's your advice to people out there that
are like, I don't know, I don't know how to
heal myself. Come see you?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, yeah, come see me, and let's explore what's what's
going on inside? Like what you know, all these experiences
we go through in our life. If we're not properly
processing them, they're getting stuck within us and they're really,
like I said, they're just keeping us stuck, right, And
so let's go inside and explore and see what's going on.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I feel like you really get to the root of everything.
It's not like it's like let me give you a
let me give you a pill for this, or let
me like so many people. It's just you get inside
the body.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Yeah, yeah, because there's this language of the body that
you know, we're listening to different emotions, like body sensations,
the way our body moves, we're looking at our nervous
system responses, and that language of the body just tells
us so much. We can really understand on such a
deeper level of what's truly going on with us, like
(26:19):
what needs to be acknowledged, what needs to happen in
order for us to process and move forward. Like I said,
it just kind of connects the dots and it fills
in like these missing pieces of why am I still
in this place? Why do I still feel like the
way that I feel? You know, we help get to
that and understand that and move and process, and you
(26:43):
just feel different, amazing.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
And happier, and it continues and then you have these
tools to continue to help yourself through through all of
life's ups and downs and journeys.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Right, And that's the biggest part, because it's like this
is not the only thing we're going to go through, right,
There's going to be more, unfortunately, but yeah, So it's
a beautiful way to learn how to take care of
yourself through life.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
I love it. Somatic Grief and Life Transition Coach. Divorce
is one of her specialties, but she does a lot
of other things. Ashley Milis. All her stuff will be up.
I encourage you to go visit her. It's so interesting
and I love the approach. I think it's just wonderful.
So thank you so much for sharing that with us today.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
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(28:16):
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