BONUS | The Smallville Alien Rocket Crash of 2025

As a lifelong, dyed in the wool, comic book enthusiast, it behooves me with the recent release of the new James Gunn Superman movie to share this short Patreon segment pulled from our recent Greensburg Tornado Disaster of 2007 episode. 

Back in 1938, to his creators, Kansas represented the humble origins and strong ethics we associate with the Superman we know today. They believed that no other State would have produced a character that more strongly embodying the traditional values of truth, justice, and the American way. But that was 1938, and we loved and welcomed him, and a lot has changed since then. In this short bonus piece, we explore the thought exercise: what would happen if his rocket approached Earth In 2025. It's way more likely, almost crucially logical that we might view him as a possible alien-combatant from the Planet Krypton who entered the United States illegally. We'll explore in about three minutes time. 

If you've ever been curious about our Patreon, I made a quick video walking through the benefits, your contribution, and a quick scroll through they layout and experience to keep you from being overwhelmed. It's a short pitch, but it's heart felt.

Welcome to the Funeral Kazoo Patreon: Hope you Survive the Experience

I also made a post directed at people who may be intimidated by some expectation that they have to be some tap dancing extrovert to participate. Nothing could be farther from the truth. 

PSA To The Quiet Ones. The Introverts. My Kindred Fraternity.


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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
We loved him and welcomed him back in nineteen thirty eight,
but in twenty twenty five, though, we might view him
as a possible alien combatant from the planet Krypton who
entered the United States illegally. The minute his little space
rocket popped up on norarad's space surveillance network, they would
be tracking its trajectory and calculating where touchdown would take place.

(00:22):
He'd be all over screens at NORAD way before he
at the atmosphere, you know, the North American Aerospace Defense Command.
Once he did enter the atmosphere, air traffic control would
attempt radio contact, and because he obviously wouldn't be emitting
an FAA approved transponder signal, they'd go ahead and classify
his ship as a non cooperative track or an unidentified

(00:45):
aerial phenomenon or UAP. That's what we call UFOs now.
All commercial traffic in the area would be slapped with
a temporary flight restriction while NORAD scrambled jets to intercept
the baby sized vehicle. They would try waving him down
with internationally recognized hand signals and maybe tip their wings,
but of course, babies don't even know what hands are for.

(01:08):
If ground control determined that the aircraft was in fact
a credible threat, they would declare it a national security
breach and authorize the use of lethal force, and once
he crashed, the first on the scene would be local police,
obviously followed by the military shortly after the Air Force
Office of Special Investigations, and the US Northern Command, And

(01:29):
because of its unearthly origins, possibly DARPA or Nasamie Poppy
instead of Moon paw Kent picking them up, dusting them off,
and swaddling him in his future cape blanket, chemical biological, radiological,
and nuclear defense teams would be repelling out of helicopters.
The site would be treated as a biological, radiological, and

(01:51):
technological containment's own, you know, like that scene from et Bon.
Paw Kent would probably be chained to a desk somewhere
answering question in Guantanamo, while Baby Kalel would become the
property of a joint task force, most probably including the
Department of Defense, the Department of Homeland Security, the Air Force,

(02:11):
the FBI, the CIA, NASA, the National Guard, a butt
ton of hazmat teams, and maybe the Department of Energy
if radiation was involved. Once they got their gloves on him.
The baby would be classified as an extraterrestrial intelligence, which
automatically triggers protocols that fall under majestic classified scenarios that

(02:33):
would be considered above top secret. Baby Clark would probably
be labeled as FX one zero nine one d E
and treated as a biological asset of unknown origin. He'd
be placed in a secure biocontainment facility and government agencies
would fight for the opportunity to stab him with needles.

(02:53):
And my prediction for this scenario is that when he
would grow up, he would punch our greatest monuments to
powder and I lays her everyone to death.