August 10, 2024 • 23 mins
Do you have an unhealthy view of love? Find out how Dr. Velma discovered her codependcy issue.
In her discussion, Dr. Velma follows up her last episode by going into detail with the Love is a Choice Workbook, our reminder that Paul says in Hebrews 12:1 "to lay aside every weight.." Written by Chrisitians doctors, the workbook addresses codependency and how it shows up in unhealthy ways we love.
Dr. Velma invites listeners to share their responses to her questions by emailing her at: adonipublishing@gmail.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/dr-velma-talks--6223789/support.
In her discussion, Dr. Velma follows up her last episode by going into detail with the Love is a Choice Workbook, our reminder that Paul says in Hebrews 12:1 "to lay aside every weight.." Written by Chrisitians doctors, the workbook addresses codependency and how it shows up in unhealthy ways we love.
Dr. Velma invites listeners to share their responses to her questions by emailing her at: adonipublishing@gmail.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/dr-velma-talks--6223789/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello, everybody. Thank you so much for joining me. This
is another episode of Doctor Velma talks dating, relationship and marriage.
So I'm excited about today and I just want to
go over a few things with you that we touched upon.
I touched upon during my last episode. But first, let
me introduce myself for those who may be tuning in
(00:24):
for the first time. I am doctor Velma Bagbee. I'm
a best selling Christian author. I am a certified dating
and relationship coach. I am a professional Christian speaker. I
am an ordained minister, and I've been married fifty years,
so I'm coming from that perspective to help others discover
what my husband and I discovered in a godly marriage.
(00:47):
I didn't say perfect, but I do say godly, so
that God's word and God himself guides you through the
whole process. And I'm also the CEO of AD and
I Publishing. I self published my books except for the
ones that I participated in an anthology. So let's get
started today. Today, I want to talk a little bit more.
(01:07):
I dropped the book on you. It's in the series.
Everything that we're going to talk about is based on
the Catch series. If you haven't read any of the books,
make sure you get a copy The Catch series books one, two,
and three. Book one is based on a father's intervention
with his daughter. He's a pastor and he watches her
(01:29):
dating mistakes and he seeks God's wisdom to correct it.
So you'll see the journey and the many stories that
he shares with her. He uses cat He uses fish
as analogies to describe the kind of men she's dated.
The catfish who loves garbage, the sturgeon who likes to nibble,
the salmon who hates getting caught, hates commitment, as well
(01:50):
as the pufferfish who is beautiful to look at, are
handsome to look at until you agitate him. He puffs
up three times his size with poisonous points coming out
of his body. So those are the characters. And then
in book two, The Wrong Catch, again, we continue stories
with women who dated the wrong type of men using
(02:11):
fish analogies based on the trophy fish, the fish that
are a part of a multimillion dollar business. And it
takes several men to try to fight to hold on
to the fish that they catch, because these fish are
very strong and they will fight to stay on the
line flying up out of the water trying to knock
(02:31):
the hook out of its mouth. So these are the
men that we use. And in the book we use twins.
Twins and what happens with the dynamics of twins who
date the same women. So all of that are in
books one and two. Book three was based on the
response I provided to the men who were following books
(02:54):
one and two and asked me to write about the
wrong women todate. So book three was actually designed for
those men who wanted to see a book that represented
the type of women they should not date. But at
the same time, I just want to make a note
that all three books will benefit you, whether you're the
man or the are the woman, all three books will
(03:16):
benefit you're reading because what happens in the books is
teaching and training, introduction to things that you need to
know about and need to be aware of, and so
all of them would benefit you. So don't just pick
a book because you think this one is written for
men or this one is written for women. No, all
of the books. Book four is the highlight as far
(03:37):
as I'm concerned, of the series because in the book,
the characters, especially Pastor Grason, refers to foolish behavior and fools.
It is God's terminology and those people he referred to
as fools, and he gave us over two hundred scripture
references about fools or foolish behavior, and in the book
(03:59):
he produces it as something we need to be aware of.
We should be familiar with what foolish behavior looks like
so that we can recognize that in a person we
might be considering dating. And it's important. So here God
has given us guidelines over two hundred references, and in
the Book of Fools, we give you eighty eighty scriptural
references that describes a fool, both male and female. So
(04:23):
not just men, but foolish behavior is foolish behavior according
to God's word. So here let's get into what we're
going to talk about today. I mentioned a workbook that
I gave to my adult daughters because I wanted them
to make sure they had an opportunity to really look
at where they were in terms of coldependency. I mentioned
(04:45):
cold dependency last week, and I want to make sure
you're aware the codependency is not about drugs. It also
applies to how you see love, how you receive love,
how you expect love, and sometimes you'll be supprise eyes
at how we can develop a pattern that's not healthy
(05:07):
because of our view of love. And it ties into
many scriptures that these Christian psychologists address in the book
that follows us from childhood all the way up into adulthood. Adulthood,
I can tell you one that God says to honor
your father and your mother, that your days may be
long upon this land. That's the first promise, that your
days will be long. The second promise is that it
(05:28):
may be well with you. And so we don't understand
and sometimes we discount, discount what God says in his
word about these things, but you don't realize that that
stuff will follow you into adulthood. And you don't know
why you're having the problems you're having because you haven't
addressed that issue. So be aware that God's promises are
(05:49):
God's promises honor your father and your mother, that your
days may be well, that your days may be long,
and that may be well with you. And I'll make
sure I put the scripture reference in the comments. So
I'm sorry I didn't expect to talk about that right now,
but I do want to share that with you. That's
one of them. So I talked about this the book
(06:14):
Love Is a Choice. Love Is a Choice workbook. It's
a workbook that I gave to mydol daughters. And the
reason I did that because I remember when my husband
and I hit a rough patch. It was around fifteen
years we hit a real bad rough patch, and we
had to do some deep dive in that during that
process to really clean up some things that maybe we
(06:34):
hadn't not maybe things we had not realized we drug
and brought along into our marriage relationship. So that's one
of the reasons you hear me talk about Paul's reference
to laying aside every weight and sin, because a lot
of the weight is not sin, but it's weight, and
it will weigh you down and keep you from reaching
(06:56):
the goal that you plan to achieve, which is your
marriage goal, which is to maintain a healthy, blessed marriage.
And so I gave my daughters adult daughters that book.
But when my husband and I hit a rough past,
we went through the workbook ourselves. We went to a
Christian psychologist, and I just didn't feel neither one of
us felt like they were helping us very well. The
one thing they did do was making reference to this book.
(07:20):
We went and got the workbook. And you don't need
the book the novel, just the work book would suffice.
And the psychologist is doctor Robert him Felt h em
At the LT. If you just google Love is a Choice,
it'll come up on Google workbook. But doctor Robert him Felt,
(07:41):
doctor Frank Mynor, doctor Paul Near, doctor Deborah Deborah Newman,
and doctor Brian Newman, they're the authors of this book.
I did write them and tell them I would love
to continue to reference it to get their permission to
use it. So I'm just going to share with you today.
I hope you get a copy. Now here's the thing
I want to say. I talk about the importance of
(08:03):
preparing yourself for marriage, preparing yourself whether you're male or female.
And I talk about laying aside the way Sometimes you
don't know what to lay aside because you may not
be able to recognize what it is you need to
let go of. But I'm telling you this is something
you need to be aware of, whether you are pursuing
someone or not. It's important for you to take the
time to examine yourself. I'm going to give you an example.
(08:25):
I talked about last week the questionnaires that are in here,
so I'm going to read to you a few of them,
and you don't have to tell me anything, but you
can post in comments. You can send me a response
to at any publishing at gmail dot com. Send me
a response and let me know and I'll be happy
(08:46):
to respond to you. Here's some things here's to know
if you're codependency codependent. I'm sorry, and remember I said
codependency is not necessarily your drugs, but it can relate
to how you receive or expect love. Your definition of
love can be not can not be what it should
(09:08):
be unhealthy. So listen to these questions. Let's see, and
what I want you to do in your own room
and at your own time is number one yes, number
one to number one no, number two no. Just put
number one yes, number one no, Just put yes or
no for each one. One. I can't stand to be alone.
(09:32):
Two I am a perfectionist. Three I am driven by
the approval of others. Four I feel desperate when I
cannot gain the approval of other people. Five I find
myself making decisions based on how they feel, how they
will affect the other people, and rarely consider myself. Six.
(09:52):
Many times I feel obsessed by a need to total
order in my life. Seven. I put my work first
above any Eight. I find myself adjusting to my spouse's
needs rather than communicating my feelings. Now, spouse are a mate,
whichever one you want to choose. Nine. I do not
(10:15):
experience anger. Ten I overheat often. Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I overeat often. Eleven. I am constantly wondering what other
people think of me. Twelve I cover up my feelings
so others won't realize what I really think. Thirteen I
am afraid that if others really knew me, they would
(10:35):
run and hide. Fourteen I am constantly trying to figure
out how to stay ahead in my relationships. Fifteen I
cover up my feelings of self doubt with drug or
alcohol use. Sixteen. I can't say no when I am
asked to do a favor or serve on a committee. Seventeen.
When I begin to feel sad or angry, I go shopping,
(10:58):
work harder, or eat Eighteen I tell myself it shouldn't
hurt so much when others let me down. Nineteen I
need to control those close to me. Twenty I need
everyone to be happy with me so I can feel
good about myself. Twenty one. I need others to be
strong for me without requiring anything from me in return.
(11:21):
I'm going to tell you if you mark a certain
number of those answers, yes, it tells you whether or
not you have a codependency. And I'm not going to
tell you what that number is because I'd love for
you to post in the comments, and for those of
you who are listening, you can always send me an
email say here, hey, I took that test you gave
regarding the test is called are you co dependent? Then
(11:46):
I'll give you a response based on the number you
said you march Yes, be honest with yourself, because if
you're trying to hide and try and expecting to try
to fix the outcome of this, then you're not taking
it properly. So I just want you to know that
there's one other one I want to share with you,
and I want you to know that I just read
one that I was that stood out for me when
(12:09):
I took the test, and I remember having problems in
this particular area and when my husband and I hit
a rough patch, I was the one that had to
go and spend to make myself happy. I was that
person and I read one of those where it talks
about that and when I don't feel happy, when I
don't feel like things are going in my way, that's
(12:32):
the way I used to be. And so I'm telling
you I fit the mold. My husband fit the mold.
There was things, There are things in here that has
to do with your relationship with your parents. I remember
one of the instructions said that we had to go
to the parent and release them from what we held on.
And at that time, my mother had already passed away,
(12:53):
and so I remember it said that if they were
no longer here, we had to write a letter. And
I'm telling you I wrote my letter just like my
mom was sitting right in front of me, because as
a kid coming up, I viewed things differently than what
they were and so some of you may have done
that as well. And so therein lies how codependency enters in.
I want to make sure that you do this, both
(13:14):
the men and the women. Make sure you take this test,
because here's the other one. They said that cold dependency,
and the doctors who wrote this book identified how co
dependency can show up and how you spend your money.
My husband and I laughed at this when we got
here because we were very clear with what we saw
about each other and concerning how we handle our money.
(13:38):
And so there's also others. The effects of codependency based
on your roles in the family, the family dynamics, whatever
role you play, and they break down those roles. I
saw mine very clearly. So I just want you to
know it's very interesting. It's not only fun, but it
will help you to discover some things about yourself you
(13:58):
weren't aware of based on the scriptures. These are Christian
psychologists and they take the scriptures. And that's why I
say that God's word doesn't cancel out just because you
don't understand it or just because you don't know about it.
What helps us to overcome what's happening in our lives.
To understand what the word says and then apply it appropriately.
(14:19):
We had to go to our parents. Bruce had to
go to both his father and stepfather, and I'm telling
you it really blessed us and our marriage was able
to survive and turn around from that point because we
recognize not only that I discovered some things about my
husband I wasn't aware of and it made me be
more sensitive to what I heard and saw that he
(14:40):
had experienced growing up. So they'rein lies grace that we
have to apply in our marriage because the person could
be the way they are because of something they experienced
growing up. So don't be so hard, don't be so judgmental. Okay,
because you're on the list too. So here's the second
part I want to share with you. The second part
(15:01):
is regarding money. And this showed up so boldly in me.
So it says that money is almost always a central
issue with people whose love tanks are running low. That's
how they describe a person who's co dependent. Someone who's
love tank is running low. That's a person who's codependent.
So what do they do? They try to fill that
(15:23):
tank with something. And so money is one of the issues.
They said, how we handle money is a strong reflection
of how we feel about ourselves. So let me give
you a little checklist. Check the statements in each of
the following categories that describe you. Record the total number
of checks you made in each category. So here's what
(15:46):
I want you to do. Do the same thing. Listen
to the categories. I'm going to say number one, number
two number three, And whatever category is in put category A.
It starts off with category A and it goes over
to hold on let me get it on paper stuff.
It goes to category A through D. So you're gonna
(16:08):
have A through D categories No E A through E
category A. Here we go. Number one. I keep as
much money in the bank as I can and spend
little on myself and others. Two. After the house payments bills,
I put most of my money in the bank or
into investments. Three. I must control the finances to keep
(16:32):
my spouse from spending all the money. Four. I rarely
splurge on myself for others. Five. When I spend money,
it's usually in a wise investment, such as house or painting. Six.
Often when I spend even the necessities, I feel vaguely guilty.
(16:54):
Category B, Rite down B and here's B. Number one.
I spend more money on myself than others. Two. After
the bills are paid, my favorite thing to do is
to buy myself something new. In fact, sometimes the bills
don't get paid. Three. At times I spend more than
I have on myself, and I feel guilty. Four I
(17:16):
feel best when I'm shopping for myself. Five. The first
person I think of when I'm shopping is myself. Six.
Even when I'm shopping for others, I usually come home
with something for me. Make sure you don't stop to
think about it. If any part of those statements fit you,
just market, just market. I fit number six. I fit
(17:37):
number three. I fit number six. Number five, okay. Category C.
I am always thinking of ways to spend money on others.
I buy myself basic needs, but merely indulge myself with
something special. Sorry, that's number two. Number three. I always
see things I wish I could buy for others. Four.
Many times I spend more than I have on others.
(18:00):
Five When I shock for myself, I usually come home
with something for someone else. Six I don't like to
shock for myself. Category D. I just love to spend money,
whether on myself or others. Two. I am always up
to the limit on my credit cards and spend more
money than I earn. Three. When I feel sad or depressed,
(18:22):
I go shopping. That used to be me. Four. Shopping
makes me feel good and forget about the bad things
in my life. Five I can't pass up bargains, even
though I don't really need the thing I'm purchasing. Six
I live in constant financial instability because of my spending habits.
I never balance my checkbook. That wasn't me, but the
(18:45):
other one was. Then we're a category E Number one
I like to show people the things I buy. Two
the real thrill of having something new is the reaction
I get from others. Three. I feel a person's worth
is measured by the amount of money he or she has.
(19:05):
Four I like knowing what I have nicer that I
have nicer things than most of my friends and family. Five.
I always pick up a tab at dinner. It makes
me feel important. Six I feel good or bad about
myself depending on how I think others view my financial standing.
(19:26):
That's our introduction to codependency. That's why I mentioned it
last week. Every person that I've counseled in the past,
single person, I recommended that they get this book. Marriages
that are having tough times are Even if you're not
having a tough time married couples, this is a great
work book to have. It helps you to share and
(19:47):
have grace for the person who's struggling in some of
these issues, but it also helps you to point to
things that you have to let go of and the
writers of this workbook helps you in doing that. I
just did the introduction, but I want you to know
there's more to this because I talked about the fact
that gets into the dynamics of what role did you play?
(20:09):
Did you play the hero? And your family as you
were growing up? Where you escape go? It has all
those different titles and positions and explains what they were.
I saw mine very clearly, so did my husband. So
I'm saying, as someone who took the time to go
through this book my work with myself and my husband,
(20:30):
and when we did that, our marriage really improved and grew.
I wanted my daughters and single women to make sure
they address these issues as well. I did not want
them to take their childhood memories and experiences anything that
created a codependency issue in them, to drag those along
(20:50):
into adulthood because it will create problems in a marriage
and a relationship. So now that's codependency. I hope you
take the time to take the test. I can't wait
to hear from you, all of those of you who
are looking at the live You can post and the
comments that you want. If you want to email me privately,
please send the email to add Deny A d O
(21:12):
N I publishing one word at gmail dot com. That's
where I'll get it. And so if you want to,
you know, enjoy this moment with other people, because remember
this is a This is the time of discovery when
you're looking and examining yourself, when you're looking at the
weights that you're carrying. Sometimes you don't even know why
you are the way you are, and you don't know
(21:33):
that a scripture speaks to that issue that you have
to let go of. So that was my goal today.
When I mentioned it, I said, I thought about it.
I said, I cannot leave you guys hanging regarding my
mentioning this last week in last week's episode, I really
wanted you to introduce you to the workbook and get
to know it. When we took those earlier assessment questionnaires,
(21:57):
we saw very clearly where our issues were. But when
we got to that place, once they did the deep dive,
then they take you to the place where you begin
to now releasing yourself from these things. I'm grateful today
for this workbook. I am no longer the spendthrift because
I thought spending was my way for happiness. Was my
(22:20):
way to happiness. If I wasn't happy, I went and
bought myself something. If I couldn't afford it, I went
and opened up an account. I did whatever I needed
to do to make me happy. But that wasn't healthy,
and God helped me to see that, and I had
to let that way go because first I had to
discover where it came from, and it came from childhood.
(22:41):
So I want you to know I'm grateful for this.
I'm grateful for the doctors that created this, because there
truly is a resource. I know they're googlebs globs, many
books out there, boundaries, all of kinds of book. I
like to try it and true. So that's why I
stick with this one, and I recommend it to any
single person that I'm talking with, even married couples who
(23:04):
hit a rough patch. Can't wait to hear your responses,
can't wait for you to enjoy taking the test, can't
wait for you to get the book because you don't
want to respond to me. That's okay. Just go ahead
and get the workbook and work through it on your own.
That's all that matters, So I say thank you. This
is another episode of Doctor Velma talks. I appreciate you
spending this time with me. I hope you enjoyed this segment,
(23:25):
because I really do. I enjoy going through this book
and looking at who I used to be. I'm no
longer her anymore. Thank you Lord, have a great day.
Thank you for joining
Hello, everybody. Thank you so much for joining me. This
is another episode of Doctor Velma talks dating, relationship and marriage.
So I'm excited about today and I just want to
go over a few things with you that we touched upon.
I touched upon during my last episode. But first, let
me introduce myself for those who may be tuning in
(00:24):
for the first time. I am doctor Velma Bagbee. I'm
a best selling Christian author. I am a certified dating
and relationship coach. I am a professional Christian speaker. I
am an ordained minister, and I've been married fifty years,
so I'm coming from that perspective to help others discover
what my husband and I discovered in a godly marriage.
(00:47):
I didn't say perfect, but I do say godly, so
that God's word and God himself guides you through the
whole process. And I'm also the CEO of AD and
I Publishing. I self published my books except for the
ones that I participated in an anthology. So let's get
started today. Today, I want to talk a little bit more.
(01:07):
I dropped the book on you. It's in the series.
Everything that we're going to talk about is based on
the Catch series. If you haven't read any of the books,
make sure you get a copy The Catch series books one, two,
and three. Book one is based on a father's intervention
with his daughter. He's a pastor and he watches her
(01:29):
dating mistakes and he seeks God's wisdom to correct it.
So you'll see the journey and the many stories that
he shares with her. He uses cat He uses fish
as analogies to describe the kind of men she's dated.
The catfish who loves garbage, the sturgeon who likes to nibble,
the salmon who hates getting caught, hates commitment, as well
(01:50):
as the pufferfish who is beautiful to look at, are
handsome to look at until you agitate him. He puffs
up three times his size with poisonous points coming out
of his body. So those are the characters. And then
in book two, The Wrong Catch, again, we continue stories
with women who dated the wrong type of men using
(02:11):
fish analogies based on the trophy fish, the fish that
are a part of a multimillion dollar business. And it
takes several men to try to fight to hold on
to the fish that they catch, because these fish are
very strong and they will fight to stay on the
line flying up out of the water trying to knock
(02:31):
the hook out of its mouth. So these are the
men that we use. And in the book we use twins.
Twins and what happens with the dynamics of twins who
date the same women. So all of that are in
books one and two. Book three was based on the
response I provided to the men who were following books
(02:54):
one and two and asked me to write about the
wrong women todate. So book three was actually designed for
those men who wanted to see a book that represented
the type of women they should not date. But at
the same time, I just want to make a note
that all three books will benefit you, whether you're the
man or the are the woman, all three books will
(03:16):
benefit you're reading because what happens in the books is
teaching and training, introduction to things that you need to
know about and need to be aware of, and so
all of them would benefit you. So don't just pick
a book because you think this one is written for
men or this one is written for women. No, all
of the books. Book four is the highlight as far
(03:37):
as I'm concerned, of the series because in the book,
the characters, especially Pastor Grason, refers to foolish behavior and fools.
It is God's terminology and those people he referred to
as fools, and he gave us over two hundred scripture
references about fools or foolish behavior, and in the book
(03:59):
he produces it as something we need to be aware of.
We should be familiar with what foolish behavior looks like
so that we can recognize that in a person we
might be considering dating. And it's important. So here God
has given us guidelines over two hundred references, and in
the Book of Fools, we give you eighty eighty scriptural
references that describes a fool, both male and female. So
(04:23):
not just men, but foolish behavior is foolish behavior according
to God's word. So here let's get into what we're
going to talk about today. I mentioned a workbook that
I gave to my adult daughters because I wanted them
to make sure they had an opportunity to really look
at where they were in terms of coldependency. I mentioned
(04:45):
cold dependency last week, and I want to make sure
you're aware the codependency is not about drugs. It also
applies to how you see love, how you receive love,
how you expect love, and sometimes you'll be supprise eyes
at how we can develop a pattern that's not healthy
(05:07):
because of our view of love. And it ties into
many scriptures that these Christian psychologists address in the book
that follows us from childhood all the way up into adulthood. Adulthood,
I can tell you one that God says to honor
your father and your mother, that your days may be
long upon this land. That's the first promise, that your
days will be long. The second promise is that it
(05:28):
may be well with you. And so we don't understand
and sometimes we discount, discount what God says in his
word about these things, but you don't realize that that
stuff will follow you into adulthood. And you don't know
why you're having the problems you're having because you haven't
addressed that issue. So be aware that God's promises are
(05:49):
God's promises honor your father and your mother, that your
days may be well, that your days may be long,
and that may be well with you. And I'll make
sure I put the scripture reference in the comments. So
I'm sorry I didn't expect to talk about that right now,
but I do want to share that with you. That's
one of them. So I talked about this the book
(06:14):
Love Is a Choice. Love Is a Choice workbook. It's
a workbook that I gave to mydol daughters. And the
reason I did that because I remember when my husband
and I hit a rough patch. It was around fifteen
years we hit a real bad rough patch, and we
had to do some deep dive in that during that
process to really clean up some things that maybe we
(06:34):
hadn't not maybe things we had not realized we drug
and brought along into our marriage relationship. So that's one
of the reasons you hear me talk about Paul's reference
to laying aside every weight and sin, because a lot
of the weight is not sin, but it's weight, and
it will weigh you down and keep you from reaching
(06:56):
the goal that you plan to achieve, which is your
marriage goal, which is to maintain a healthy, blessed marriage.
And so I gave my daughters adult daughters that book.
But when my husband and I hit a rough past,
we went through the workbook ourselves. We went to a
Christian psychologist, and I just didn't feel neither one of
us felt like they were helping us very well. The
one thing they did do was making reference to this book.
(07:20):
We went and got the workbook. And you don't need
the book the novel, just the work book would suffice.
And the psychologist is doctor Robert him Felt h em
At the LT. If you just google Love is a Choice,
it'll come up on Google workbook. But doctor Robert him Felt,
(07:41):
doctor Frank Mynor, doctor Paul Near, doctor Deborah Deborah Newman,
and doctor Brian Newman, they're the authors of this book.
I did write them and tell them I would love
to continue to reference it to get their permission to
use it. So I'm just going to share with you today.
I hope you get a copy. Now here's the thing
I want to say. I talk about the importance of
(08:03):
preparing yourself for marriage, preparing yourself whether you're male or female.
And I talk about laying aside the way Sometimes you
don't know what to lay aside because you may not
be able to recognize what it is you need to
let go of. But I'm telling you this is something
you need to be aware of, whether you are pursuing
someone or not. It's important for you to take the
time to examine yourself. I'm going to give you an example.
(08:25):
I talked about last week the questionnaires that are in here,
so I'm going to read to you a few of them,
and you don't have to tell me anything, but you
can post in comments. You can send me a response
to at any publishing at gmail dot com. Send me
a response and let me know and I'll be happy
(08:46):
to respond to you. Here's some things here's to know
if you're codependency codependent. I'm sorry, and remember I said
codependency is not necessarily your drugs, but it can relate
to how you receive or expect love. Your definition of
love can be not can not be what it should
(09:08):
be unhealthy. So listen to these questions. Let's see, and
what I want you to do in your own room
and at your own time is number one yes, number
one to number one no, number two no. Just put
number one yes, number one no, Just put yes or
no for each one. One. I can't stand to be alone.
(09:32):
Two I am a perfectionist. Three I am driven by
the approval of others. Four I feel desperate when I
cannot gain the approval of other people. Five I find
myself making decisions based on how they feel, how they
will affect the other people, and rarely consider myself. Six.
(09:52):
Many times I feel obsessed by a need to total
order in my life. Seven. I put my work first
above any Eight. I find myself adjusting to my spouse's
needs rather than communicating my feelings. Now, spouse are a mate,
whichever one you want to choose. Nine. I do not
(10:15):
experience anger. Ten I overheat often. Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I overeat often. Eleven. I am constantly wondering what other
people think of me. Twelve I cover up my feelings
so others won't realize what I really think. Thirteen I
am afraid that if others really knew me, they would
(10:35):
run and hide. Fourteen I am constantly trying to figure
out how to stay ahead in my relationships. Fifteen I
cover up my feelings of self doubt with drug or
alcohol use. Sixteen. I can't say no when I am
asked to do a favor or serve on a committee. Seventeen.
When I begin to feel sad or angry, I go shopping,
(10:58):
work harder, or eat Eighteen I tell myself it shouldn't
hurt so much when others let me down. Nineteen I
need to control those close to me. Twenty I need
everyone to be happy with me so I can feel
good about myself. Twenty one. I need others to be
strong for me without requiring anything from me in return.
(11:21):
I'm going to tell you if you mark a certain
number of those answers, yes, it tells you whether or
not you have a codependency. And I'm not going to
tell you what that number is because I'd love for
you to post in the comments, and for those of
you who are listening, you can always send me an
email say here, hey, I took that test you gave
regarding the test is called are you co dependent? Then
(11:46):
I'll give you a response based on the number you
said you march Yes, be honest with yourself, because if
you're trying to hide and try and expecting to try
to fix the outcome of this, then you're not taking
it properly. So I just want you to know that
there's one other one I want to share with you,
and I want you to know that I just read
one that I was that stood out for me when
(12:09):
I took the test, and I remember having problems in
this particular area and when my husband and I hit
a rough patch, I was the one that had to
go and spend to make myself happy. I was that
person and I read one of those where it talks
about that and when I don't feel happy, when I
don't feel like things are going in my way, that's
(12:32):
the way I used to be. And so I'm telling
you I fit the mold. My husband fit the mold.
There was things, There are things in here that has
to do with your relationship with your parents. I remember
one of the instructions said that we had to go
to the parent and release them from what we held on.
And at that time, my mother had already passed away,
(12:53):
and so I remember it said that if they were
no longer here, we had to write a letter. And
I'm telling you I wrote my letter just like my
mom was sitting right in front of me, because as
a kid coming up, I viewed things differently than what
they were and so some of you may have done
that as well. And so therein lies how codependency enters in.
I want to make sure that you do this, both
(13:14):
the men and the women. Make sure you take this test,
because here's the other one. They said that cold dependency,
and the doctors who wrote this book identified how co
dependency can show up and how you spend your money.
My husband and I laughed at this when we got
here because we were very clear with what we saw
about each other and concerning how we handle our money.
(13:38):
And so there's also others. The effects of codependency based
on your roles in the family, the family dynamics, whatever
role you play, and they break down those roles. I
saw mine very clearly. So I just want you to
know it's very interesting. It's not only fun, but it
will help you to discover some things about yourself you
(13:58):
weren't aware of based on the scriptures. These are Christian
psychologists and they take the scriptures. And that's why I
say that God's word doesn't cancel out just because you
don't understand it or just because you don't know about it.
What helps us to overcome what's happening in our lives.
To understand what the word says and then apply it appropriately.
(14:19):
We had to go to our parents. Bruce had to
go to both his father and stepfather, and I'm telling
you it really blessed us and our marriage was able
to survive and turn around from that point because we
recognize not only that I discovered some things about my
husband I wasn't aware of and it made me be
more sensitive to what I heard and saw that he
(14:40):
had experienced growing up. So they'rein lies grace that we
have to apply in our marriage because the person could
be the way they are because of something they experienced
growing up. So don't be so hard, don't be so judgmental. Okay,
because you're on the list too. So here's the second
part I want to share with you. The second part
(15:01):
is regarding money. And this showed up so boldly in me.
So it says that money is almost always a central
issue with people whose love tanks are running low. That's
how they describe a person who's co dependent. Someone who's
love tank is running low. That's a person who's codependent.
So what do they do? They try to fill that
(15:23):
tank with something. And so money is one of the issues.
They said, how we handle money is a strong reflection
of how we feel about ourselves. So let me give
you a little checklist. Check the statements in each of
the following categories that describe you. Record the total number
of checks you made in each category. So here's what
(15:46):
I want you to do. Do the same thing. Listen
to the categories. I'm going to say number one, number
two number three, And whatever category is in put category A.
It starts off with category A and it goes over
to hold on let me get it on paper stuff.
It goes to category A through D. So you're gonna
(16:08):
have A through D categories No E A through E
category A. Here we go. Number one. I keep as
much money in the bank as I can and spend
little on myself and others. Two. After the house payments bills,
I put most of my money in the bank or
into investments. Three. I must control the finances to keep
(16:32):
my spouse from spending all the money. Four. I rarely
splurge on myself for others. Five. When I spend money,
it's usually in a wise investment, such as house or painting. Six.
Often when I spend even the necessities, I feel vaguely guilty.
(16:54):
Category B, Rite down B and here's B. Number one.
I spend more money on myself than others. Two. After
the bills are paid, my favorite thing to do is
to buy myself something new. In fact, sometimes the bills
don't get paid. Three. At times I spend more than
I have on myself, and I feel guilty. Four I
(17:16):
feel best when I'm shopping for myself. Five. The first
person I think of when I'm shopping is myself. Six.
Even when I'm shopping for others, I usually come home
with something for me. Make sure you don't stop to
think about it. If any part of those statements fit you,
just market, just market. I fit number six. I fit
(17:37):
number three. I fit number six. Number five, okay. Category C.
I am always thinking of ways to spend money on others.
I buy myself basic needs, but merely indulge myself with
something special. Sorry, that's number two. Number three. I always
see things I wish I could buy for others. Four.
Many times I spend more than I have on others.
(18:00):
Five When I shock for myself, I usually come home
with something for someone else. Six I don't like to
shock for myself. Category D. I just love to spend money,
whether on myself or others. Two. I am always up
to the limit on my credit cards and spend more
money than I earn. Three. When I feel sad or depressed,
(18:22):
I go shopping. That used to be me. Four. Shopping
makes me feel good and forget about the bad things
in my life. Five I can't pass up bargains, even
though I don't really need the thing I'm purchasing. Six
I live in constant financial instability because of my spending habits.
I never balance my checkbook. That wasn't me, but the
(18:45):
other one was. Then we're a category E Number one
I like to show people the things I buy. Two
the real thrill of having something new is the reaction
I get from others. Three. I feel a person's worth
is measured by the amount of money he or she has.
(19:05):
Four I like knowing what I have nicer that I
have nicer things than most of my friends and family. Five.
I always pick up a tab at dinner. It makes
me feel important. Six I feel good or bad about
myself depending on how I think others view my financial standing.
(19:26):
That's our introduction to codependency. That's why I mentioned it
last week. Every person that I've counseled in the past,
single person, I recommended that they get this book. Marriages
that are having tough times are Even if you're not
having a tough time married couples, this is a great
work book to have. It helps you to share and
(19:47):
have grace for the person who's struggling in some of
these issues, but it also helps you to point to
things that you have to let go of and the
writers of this workbook helps you in doing that. I
just did the introduction, but I want you to know
there's more to this because I talked about the fact
that gets into the dynamics of what role did you play?
(20:09):
Did you play the hero? And your family as you
were growing up? Where you escape go? It has all
those different titles and positions and explains what they were.
I saw mine very clearly, so did my husband. So
I'm saying, as someone who took the time to go
through this book my work with myself and my husband,
(20:30):
and when we did that, our marriage really improved and grew.
I wanted my daughters and single women to make sure
they address these issues as well. I did not want
them to take their childhood memories and experiences anything that
created a codependency issue in them, to drag those along
(20:50):
into adulthood because it will create problems in a marriage
and a relationship. So now that's codependency. I hope you
take the time to take the test. I can't wait
to hear from you, all of those of you who
are looking at the live You can post and the
comments that you want. If you want to email me privately,
please send the email to add Deny A d O
(21:12):
N I publishing one word at gmail dot com. That's
where I'll get it. And so if you want to,
you know, enjoy this moment with other people, because remember
this is a This is the time of discovery when
you're looking and examining yourself, when you're looking at the
weights that you're carrying. Sometimes you don't even know why
you are the way you are, and you don't know
(21:33):
that a scripture speaks to that issue that you have
to let go of. So that was my goal today.
When I mentioned it, I said, I thought about it.
I said, I cannot leave you guys hanging regarding my
mentioning this last week in last week's episode, I really
wanted you to introduce you to the workbook and get
to know it. When we took those earlier assessment questionnaires,
(21:57):
we saw very clearly where our issues were. But when
we got to that place, once they did the deep dive,
then they take you to the place where you begin
to now releasing yourself from these things. I'm grateful today
for this workbook. I am no longer the spendthrift because
I thought spending was my way for happiness. Was my
(22:20):
way to happiness. If I wasn't happy, I went and
bought myself something. If I couldn't afford it, I went
and opened up an account. I did whatever I needed
to do to make me happy. But that wasn't healthy,
and God helped me to see that, and I had
to let that way go because first I had to
discover where it came from, and it came from childhood.
(22:41):
So I want you to know I'm grateful for this.
I'm grateful for the doctors that created this, because there
truly is a resource. I know they're googlebs globs, many
books out there, boundaries, all of kinds of book. I
like to try it and true. So that's why I
stick with this one, and I recommend it to any
single person that I'm talking with, even married couples who
(23:04):
hit a rough patch. Can't wait to hear your responses,
can't wait for you to enjoy taking the test, can't
wait for you to get the book because you don't
want to respond to me. That's okay. Just go ahead
and get the workbook and work through it on your own.
That's all that matters, So I say thank you. This
is another episode of Doctor Velma talks. I appreciate you
spending this time with me. I hope you enjoyed this segment,
(23:25):
because I really do. I enjoy going through this book
and looking at who I used to be. I'm no
longer her anymore. Thank you Lord, have a great day.
Thank you for joining
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