August 17, 2024 • 29 mins
Dr. Velma continues her discussion on the importance of self-examination, and the Love is a Choice Workbook. Although many associate codependency with drugs and alcohol, Dr. Velma reminds listeners how codependency can show up in how we spend money, in pleasing others, in academics, perfectionism, athletics, sexual and romantic conquests, work, and food. Discover how codependency leads to unhealthy relationships and an unhealthy view of love.
This workbook will help you do the work as Paul instructed when he said, "…lay aside every weight..." Hebrews 12:1. Please feel free to share your comments with Dr. Velma at adonipublishing@gmail.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/dr-velma-talks--6223789/support.
This workbook will help you do the work as Paul instructed when he said, "…lay aside every weight..." Hebrews 12:1. Please feel free to share your comments with Dr. Velma at adonipublishing@gmail.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/dr-velma-talks--6223789/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Doctor Velman
Talks for August the seventeenth and on Saturday. I hope
your day is going well. I am doctor Velma Bagbie.
I am your host of the Doctor Velma Talks podcast.
I am a best selling Christian author, certified dating and
(00:29):
relationship coach. I am a professional speaker as well as
an OSA certified Power speaker as well. I am a
our dained minister, and I am the CEO of ADA
and I Publishing LLC. But on top of all of that,
(00:50):
I have been married for fifty last years and I'm
grateful to be able to share what I know, what
I've experienced, what I'd like to share with both male
and female in terms of dating for marriage. And so
that's what this is all about. This is your opportunity
to get dating relationship advice as well as marriage support.
(01:12):
Because some of my topics and all of my topics
really relate to marriage. How do you experience a long
term marriage such as the one that I've been blessed
to have. You have to start by making sure that
you do the work, put in the work in yourself.
And so last week we had a great time sharing
and talking about different aspects aspects of what the Love
(01:37):
is a choice workbook goes into details about so I
want to share with you. First of all, let me
mention the fact that all of my conversations are based
on the writing that I've done in the book series,
the Catch series. Now you can get any one of
those books on Amazon, or you can go to my website,
(01:59):
doctor Velm with bagbe dot com and get the Bundle
or any one of those books. On top of the books,
there are special marketing gifts that you can purchase as well,
like the Wild Cup, the Woman of Worth. There's a
cup for men that's called She Is My Crown and
has the picture of a crown on the front, and
(02:22):
as well as t shirts, bookmarks, and I have a
Book of Fools card game. If you'd like to spend
some time, ladies, I know you do this more than
the men spend some time just hanging out with your friends.
You want to have conversations around those scriptures that describe
what a fool looks like and acts like. But the
(02:42):
scriptures the game, the card game includes scriptures that reference
foolish women as well. So it's a wonderful way to
have fun while at the same time learning something new.
Because I really suggest that that last book that I
wrote in the Cat series, the Book of Fules, should
be in everybody's toolbox dating toolbox, because these are things
(03:05):
that you need to recognize and God has already provided
you with descriptions and clues how to avoid dating or
entertaining a person who fit these categories. So I think
it would be great for you. So book one is
the Catching No One Once, and that's based on a
father's interaction with his daughter at intervention where he introduces
(03:28):
fish characters based on the dating mistakes that she was making.
But I want to bring your attention to something concerning
their conversation towards the end. This is Pastor Grayson and
his daughter of Iroonica. Pastor Grayson says, I want to
I want you to remember three points. This is him
talking to his daughter at the end of their fishing
(03:50):
trip and he says to her to help you on
your journey. I have included homework to reinforce our weekend discussion.
Laugh preparing for this fishing trip helped me to go
back to the fundamentals of international I'm sorry intentional dating principles.
I have shared in my past classes and updated some
(04:13):
of the material and as well has created new topics
to focus on. Most of these changes were too many
to include while fishing. The information you need is relevant,
and I felt the perfect placement was to provide you
more resources in your homework basket. I especially wanted additional
(04:35):
information to help you grasp who God says you are
and who you are to me. No man can call
you outside of who you already know you are Bug,
which was his pet name for his daughter. You will
need this help to move forward. Please remember these three points. One,
renew your commitment to God and seek his forgiveness. You
(04:58):
want to establish your first love because he will remain
your first love after your husband arrives. Your husband is
second to God in your life, and because he is
a man of faith, God will be his first love too.
A man of faith knows and accept he is second
to God, just as you must accept being second to
(05:19):
God in his life. Pray for God's wisdom to help
you discover your mate. Two, I prepare to study guide
homework basket with questions, handouts, resources to help you reflect
on what we discussed. My prayer is that you deal
with your past hurts and disappointments, so you can move
forward without the weight of your past. Bug, you cannot
(05:44):
find the catch you deserve if the pain of your
past occupies your heart. Pains of your past are weights,
and you must lay aside every weight of those experiences
that assume space in your heart and will cause you
to filter a new healthy relationship from a place of hurt.
But also carrying those weights will cause you to repeat
(06:07):
the same experiences. For this task, take your time and
allow God to heal your heart. Release yourself and those involved.
Let them go. You want to be healthy and whole
when your husband comes. I just wanted to share that
excerpt with you because I introduced The Love as a
Choice work book during my conversation on August third, and
(06:29):
then on August tenth, we went into more detail, especially
some of the questions that you're asked in the workbook,
and I'm going to share with you a few other things,
highlight a few other things with you because I think
what The Love is a choice work with does as
I mentioned, I give it to those I'm having conversations with,
whether single or married. I give them to them. As
(06:51):
well as the fact that I mentioned that My husband
and I both went through the workbook ourselves when we
hit a rough patch, and I think it's the perfect
tool for you to use to really assess where you
are and do the examination because the book talks about
self examination, making sure and he mentioned the scripture Hebrews
twelve and one to lay aside every way, and it's
(07:14):
important for you to do. And it's interesting to me.
I've watched women put in a lot of work and
effort in their branding and their business and their work
and all of the things they need to do, but
this is an area we tend to not want to
put in much work, and it's so important that you do.
(07:34):
You have to do this self examination, making sure that
you're looking at who you are, where you are, what
you have, what you have brought along from childhood to
adulthood that may need to be laid aside. Sometimes you
don't know what it is until you really get into
the details. The Love is a choice has so many layers.
(07:54):
I just want to highlight a few of them for
you so that you can get an idea when you
look in the book. In the workbook, you won't need
the book because the Workbook does a deep dive and
I'm not even touching. I'm only touching upon the surface
of some of the things that you have to look
at ponder. The other questionnaire is answer fill in and
(08:19):
it really makes you. It really walks you through the
steps you need to take because there's layers to it all.
I want you to understand since we're talking about coldependency,
and I wanted to share something with you in the
back of the book hold on just a moment when
it talks about your love tank. It talks about the
many things that can affect how we love and how
(08:43):
we can love inappropriately. It has a heart, and the
heart has the different points that we can how coldependency
can affect us. It affects us by us pleasing others.
Some people please others as their form of love. Then
there's the money. We talked about the money last week
that how you spend your money will tell you what
(09:05):
type of love tank you have or how empty your
love tank may be. Work and food can do it too.
It shows up. Codependency shows up in those areas. Academics,
how people use sexual and romantic conquests as their form
of love. Athletics will do it. People were overly focused
(09:26):
on athletics. Perfectionalism. If you are overly a perfectionate professionalism
that you take to the tenth degree is another indicator.
All of these handling money, All of these can tell
you how code dependency is showing up in your life.
(09:49):
And I want to read a statement on the back
of the book. It says, if these scenarios talks about
the scenarios, codependency relies on not only alcohol, and which
is what we assume cold deependency is. But here's the
other things, money as well. Cold dependency relies on money.
(10:09):
It shows up and how you work, how you eat
your food, sexuality, and any of these things that you
use as a replacement to make yourself happy because your
love tank is so empty. And so the book talks
about how the love tank is empty and what we
use to fill it up, and how we have to
(10:30):
really take a look at these things. I look at
the outline again, and I'm not sure if we're going
to go into another questionnaire, because I don't want you
to have to reveal to me your assessment. I want
you to make this a personal thing between you God
and these exercises, because God will lead you to discover
(10:51):
some things that you need to lay aside. There are
steps of forgiveness in this book that it walks you
through taking the lid off of things, things that you
may have hidden and didn't know that you had hidden
them away. Then there's finding the lost kid. That's what
it talks about because remember, as a child coming up,
you don't know what the scripture says, and you don't
(11:13):
know what you've done. You don't know how what what's
happening in your household has affected who you are now
as a as an adult. How you handle anger. People
always talk about people with anger issues, but how you
handle anger can be a variety of things, and it
goes into details how you can apply false guilt, our
(11:36):
true guilt, and whether and how it shows up, and
where God fixing all of this. You have to look
at that and determine how God fits in all of
this and some other things that it asked you to do.
You there's a chapter that will ask you to rate,
and it tells you how to rate your mother and
how to rate your father. You have to go in
(11:59):
and it's a true deep dive into who you are
as a person and how your parents helped to develop
that and then it also looks at the effects of
codependency in your family role what was your role growing up?
And I can give you five of them. I'm gonna
go to those in just a moment. But Relationship History
(12:22):
Inventory Part one and then there's a Relationship History Inventory
Part two. So this is not something you can just
go quickly through. You're gonna have to take your time
and really do a deep dive following the instructions, taking
the quizes, and then looking at the results. A couple
of things I found that I wanted to share with
(12:42):
you from the book. Last week we talked about one
of the quizes. This was the second one where it
says the characteristics looking at characteristics and categories, it was
a through e I believe in terms of how you
use money. To go back and share with you what
the titles were with each of these category and category A,
(13:06):
and you can go back to last week's episode to
look at how we talked about it. That person who
uses money in that way, that person in category A
is called a hoarder. A hoarder is someone who probably
is really rigid with their money. They don't spend much
at all, and so it identifies your love take and
(13:29):
how you spend your money as a hoarder that you
hold on to every almost every dime you get. Then
category B, which is where I found myself and I
confess to all of you all. Category B is called
the self centered spender. That person has an empty love
(13:51):
take which you try to fill with possessions you spend
to make yourself happy. I remember one night, I'm sorry.
That's the person who spends money on themselves and I
feel best at times I spend money. One of the
areas I found was at times I spend more money
(14:12):
I have on myself, and I feel guilty. This is
not the one I was talking about. Sorry, but that
person is called the self centered spender. That's category B.
Category C is called the other's center centered spender. That
person spends most of their money and buys gifts, constantly
(14:34):
buys things for other people. They're the others centered spender.
Category D is was me. Question number three hit me
when I went through this workbook. When I feel sad
or depressed, I go shopping this category. This person is
called the compulsive spender. That's who I used to be,
(14:57):
and they use excitement of shopping to fill their empty
love tank, because remember that statement. When I feel sad
or depressed, I go shop and I go I used
to go and buy myself something. That's how I satisfied
my empty love tank. So I used money as a
natural high of exhilaration, not to that point, because I
didn't binge, but I definitely went and bought myself into
(15:20):
something to feel better. Category E just want you to
know these category titles. That person is called the prestige spender.
That's the person who spends to make sure they have
the stuff to show other people that they had, and
that's how they feel their love tank. And so that's
what that person did. They come to believe that their
(15:40):
worth is equal to their bank account or are their
possessions what they have better than everybody else. That's the
prestige spender. So I just wanted you to hear the
titles of these just different categories. That's that quiz that
I did. The second one I wanted you to know.
Category A is the hoarder. Category B is the self
(16:04):
centered spender, only spends on themselves, that's it. And category
C was the other centered spender. Category D was the
compulsive spender who spent on themselves to make themselves happy.
And then category E was the prestige spender who purchased
things just to show off and make sure everybody saw
(16:27):
everybody just to see that they had something better than them.
So that's why they spend, that's why they show off,
what they wear, what they bought, what they recently got.
It's got to be flash and it's got to be
better than everyone else. Okay, here's something I want you
to see, and I want to make sure I'm keeping
up on my time, so let's make sure we're staying
(16:51):
on course. Here, let's look at something. And in the
book I wanted you to know we talked about Hebrews
two often one. We talked about your relationship with your parents,
that God the one commandment with the promise. God says
(17:12):
that the honor your father and your mother, that your
days will be long. That's the promise, and it will
be well with you. So later on in life things
will be well. But if it is not well, it's
something you need to be aware of. And again I
talked about the fact that we don't know as children
what we do and why we do it, but it
does not cancel out the scriptures. The book goes into
(17:34):
more detail about different kinds of abuse for you to explore.
But I want you to see something regarding the relationship
history in the toury because in one particular case, it
has us to look at codependency based on our role
in the family. This is really interesting. So let me
(17:56):
tell you about the hero and I'm not going to
ask the questions because again I want you to get
the book and make sure you go through it again.
But those of you who are single are married, this
is a great book for you to have, great tool
for you to have. I said the Book of Fools
is a great book to have in your dating toolbox.
But when you talk about self examination and preparation, it's
(18:19):
important for you to have this, and whether you're already
married or not, it's a great tool to have to
do this examination. These are Christian psychologists and many the
scriptures they share is important for you to know. They
describe the hero and the family. If you were the
hero in the family, you were the very responsible to child,
(18:40):
You took up the slack for the parents. You were
very driven even in school, always having to get straight
a's and making sure you achieved the best as you could,
and then you received a great deal of praise from
teachers and coaches and pastors and tried to keep that
current because that was the kind of thing that filled
your love. And so this is the hero. Something psychologists
(19:03):
said that usually this is the oldest person, but not always.
The hero of the family does not receive adequate praise
from the family about the things that he or she does,
but the heroes responsible. The hero's responsible personality is rewarded
in social and school environments. So that's the hero. Let's
look at the scapegoat in the family. The scapegoat the
(19:28):
parents blame. They says that their parents blame them for
the problems in the family. Many times, my problems were
the center of attention, while my parents dysfunctional problems were ignored.
They and most of the family members saw that person
as a source of pain. They received the most negative
attention in the family, and they were frequently in troubled
(19:50):
with teachers and other authorities. That's the scapegoat. The scapegoat
receives negative attention for rebellious and even destructive behavior. The
negative attention may ironically reinforce the undesirable behavior. Scapegoats may
be blamed for many of the family's problems, and their
behavior creates an ongoing diversion. Here's the mascot. The mascot,
(20:15):
they didn't let the family problems get to them. They
usually laughed them away as long as they can make
a joke. They knew the family would be okay. After all,
they're good at forgetting the pain from their childhood. They
considered they were considered the baby of the family and
it was assumed that they would never grow up. So
(20:38):
the mascot earns attention by grabbing it. The mascot, this
person dissolves problems and pain with a joke. The mascot
finds the best way to deal with the dysfunction in
the family is and they feel that distracting the family
from distressing issues was the way to go. The mascot
(21:00):
may be the only safe person on whom the other
family members may show their affection. Then there's the lost
child in the family. The lost child is the person
that says this, I cause hardly any problems. I always
prefer to be by myself. My parents have said of me,
I was never a problem. I like playing or reading alone.
(21:21):
I thought that if I could disappear from the family
pain that pain could not touch or hurt me. That's
the lost child. The lost child is usually unnoticed. The
person prefers to be alone and escapes the pain of
dysfunction in the family by trying to get along and
staying out of everyone's way. The lost child is nice, constantly,
(21:43):
unbearingly doggedly nice. The lost child also expresses difficulty with
bonding into adult intimacy and may lack the skills of
conflict resolution and needs expression. But that's the lost child.
So I want you to see how all of these things,
and I don't want to do a lot in the
(22:03):
book because it's important for you to do that. You
can see why Grayson mentioned this book and provided one
to his daughter, with all the mistakes that she was
making with her poor dating habits, just in a hurry
to find a husband, not really considering if she's even
ready to be a wife. And isn't that the problem today?
(22:25):
Everybody wants to get married but is doing nothing to
get themselves ready to be the wife they need to be.
And then there's the men want to be married and
doing nothing to get themselves ready, And therein lies the problem.
And that's why the strategy for dating to marry is
so different from high school dating. High school dating, Oh
(22:46):
I love you, Ooh you're so cute, Ooh, let's get married.
Anybody can to get married. But if you're looking to
create a long term marriage and healthy marriage with the
person that you feel that you can is the person
that God has sending to you, then you want to
be the best you can, be the best version of yourself.
So even if you're single right now, this is the
(23:07):
best time for you to put in the work and
do what you need to do to get ready for
the man of God that he has for you and
be the best. It's like being in love and you
want to give your best to the person you're in
love with. But isn't that what you want when God
sends that person to you. You want to give your best.
(23:28):
And so it doesn't matter what stage you're at. Maybe
you're not single and you're already married, so you still
have work to do. You could still get the information
and try not try get the book and work on
those areas, even some of the ones that I may
have mentioned that might you know, you may have said,
that's me. We are constantly growing and developing that's just
(23:51):
our walk as believers. God is always revealing to us
something that we can do to create a better version
of ourselves. As we apply the Scripture to our lives,
it helps us to improve who we are, helps us
to grow and develop and grow stronger in Him. That's
what studying the Word does. That's also what doing self
examination does for you, especially as a believer. I've met
(24:16):
many people pleasers. I wrote about it. There's a character
in the Blue Book that talks about a people please
except in this particular case, this lady learns to use
it for bad. She goes into a relationship and uses
her people pleasing skills for her own game, so she
manipulates the relationship. There are all kinds of characters in
(24:39):
the book that's boring out of some of the things
I've seen, some of the poor choices I've watched, And
even as I talk about the love is a choice,
I watch how people respond to it. I watch how
people responded to the questions I shared with you last week.
You don't have to post anything on in you know
online you you can send me a message, but I
(25:01):
can tell what a person is in denial. The book
talks about denial and how people deny the errors in
their life or the mistakes that they need to correct.
So that's my story today. I wanted to share what
Grayson told his daughter. He showed his daughter Grace in
(25:21):
the story of the very first book to Catch No
One Wants. And the reason it is called that is
because the man that God had for her, she ignored him,
didn't want him, judged him because of the type of
work he did. And that's the reason we talk a
lot about looking at the heart and getting to the
quality characteristics of the person rather than focusing on conditions.
(25:45):
If you're looking at conditions, then you're looking at the
wrong things and it's not going to help you get
to know that person. Even God says he looks at
the heart, he gets to the core who that person
really is. That's why he chose David. So I want
you to know that. That's our story today. Continue to
work on codependency issues. It's part of your self examination,
(26:08):
getting yourself ready for the man of God God has
you has for you. And if you're already in a marriage,
just like I was when we hit the rough patch,
we got into the love as a church. Excuse me,
love is a choice work book, and that's what pulled
us out. We recognize what we drugged into the marriage
from childhood. So don't you wait. Put in the work now.
(26:29):
You really want that husband. You really believe God is
sending you to sending him to you, our guys, you
really believe God is going to send you that woman
of God that you need by your side, that will
compliment you and be there with you. Then put in
the work and you'll recognize her and you'll be so
happy you did. God bless you. Thank you all for
(26:50):
tuning in. I just want to share a couple of
things with you. Remember to go to my website so
that you can look at some of the other products
that's been created to support the message. I will be
adding more and soon we'll be adding more on Amazon
as well. So some have asked about the questions I
have them. They will be a PD yet and will
(27:11):
be on my website as well as on Amazon. I
will be adding that. And I promised the marriage couples
the last five minutes. So let me just say to
all of you, I touched upon what you need to know.
The love is a work of love is a choice workbook.
Is the book you need and it will help you
do what you need to do. Some people don't like
(27:31):
to look go back and uncovered. Look, I share with
you what I had to do. I know exactly who
I was as a child growing up. The book helped
me to identify it. It also helped me to understand
why became who I am right now? Why am I
a coach? When you get the book, you'll see why
came from my growing up to this point. I also
(27:53):
want you to know that it's important for you to
do the work. God will honor what you're doing and
will bless you because of it, because you are learning
how to lay aside the weight, and that's what you
need to do. So also, I want to make sure
that I share that I am going to be adding
(28:14):
a little segment at the end where I'm promoting and
sharing something that someone has sent to me that promote
wants it promoted, and if you're interested, there's a small
fee for that. But today I want to share with
you something that's really special. ESP Books. ESP presents Ellen Sutter.
It's offering book marketing packages the Goal, the Platinum, Platinum,
(28:38):
and the Diamond. I will post a copy of the
graphic in the comments. If you want to copy mail
email to you, please email me at A Deny Publishing
at gmail and I'll send you a copy. And she's
offering her book marketing appointments for September and October for
only a deposit of seventy five dollars. It's normally one
(29:02):
hundred and thirty five. I've been on her program and
I loved it both Instagram and the personal interview. She
says that it will include a one day show, honest
written book review and she will email you the dates
to choose from. And please be aware that there are
no refunds, but you can reschedule if you have a
(29:24):
conflict after scheduling with her. So I will post a
graphic in the comments section. But this is important. I
took advantage of it, and I hope you'll take advantage
to This is by ESP Presents and you will love
working with Miss Ellen Southern. That's all for today. I
thank you all for this time. I hope you enjoyed
(29:45):
this segment of Doctor Belma Talks. Have a wonderful day.
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Doctor Velman
Talks for August the seventeenth and on Saturday. I hope
your day is going well. I am doctor Velma Bagbie.
I am your host of the Doctor Velma Talks podcast.
I am a best selling Christian author, certified dating and
(00:29):
relationship coach. I am a professional speaker as well as
an OSA certified Power speaker as well. I am a
our dained minister, and I am the CEO of ADA
and I Publishing LLC. But on top of all of that,
(00:50):
I have been married for fifty last years and I'm
grateful to be able to share what I know, what
I've experienced, what I'd like to share with both male
and female in terms of dating for marriage. And so
that's what this is all about. This is your opportunity
to get dating relationship advice as well as marriage support.
(01:12):
Because some of my topics and all of my topics
really relate to marriage. How do you experience a long
term marriage such as the one that I've been blessed
to have. You have to start by making sure that
you do the work, put in the work in yourself.
And so last week we had a great time sharing
and talking about different aspects aspects of what the Love
(01:37):
is a choice workbook goes into details about so I
want to share with you. First of all, let me
mention the fact that all of my conversations are based
on the writing that I've done in the book series,
the Catch series. Now you can get any one of
those books on Amazon, or you can go to my website,
(01:59):
doctor Velm with bagbe dot com and get the Bundle
or any one of those books. On top of the books,
there are special marketing gifts that you can purchase as well,
like the Wild Cup, the Woman of Worth. There's a
cup for men that's called She Is My Crown and
has the picture of a crown on the front, and
(02:22):
as well as t shirts, bookmarks, and I have a
Book of Fools card game. If you'd like to spend
some time, ladies, I know you do this more than
the men spend some time just hanging out with your friends.
You want to have conversations around those scriptures that describe
what a fool looks like and acts like. But the
(02:42):
scriptures the game, the card game includes scriptures that reference
foolish women as well. So it's a wonderful way to
have fun while at the same time learning something new.
Because I really suggest that that last book that I
wrote in the Cat series, the Book of Fules, should
be in everybody's toolbox dating toolbox, because these are things
(03:05):
that you need to recognize and God has already provided
you with descriptions and clues how to avoid dating or
entertaining a person who fit these categories. So I think
it would be great for you. So book one is
the Catching No One Once, and that's based on a
father's interaction with his daughter at intervention where he introduces
(03:28):
fish characters based on the dating mistakes that she was making.
But I want to bring your attention to something concerning
their conversation towards the end. This is Pastor Grayson and
his daughter of Iroonica. Pastor Grayson says, I want to
I want you to remember three points. This is him
talking to his daughter at the end of their fishing
(03:50):
trip and he says to her to help you on
your journey. I have included homework to reinforce our weekend discussion.
Laugh preparing for this fishing trip helped me to go
back to the fundamentals of international I'm sorry intentional dating principles.
I have shared in my past classes and updated some
(04:13):
of the material and as well has created new topics
to focus on. Most of these changes were too many
to include while fishing. The information you need is relevant,
and I felt the perfect placement was to provide you
more resources in your homework basket. I especially wanted additional
(04:35):
information to help you grasp who God says you are
and who you are to me. No man can call
you outside of who you already know you are Bug,
which was his pet name for his daughter. You will
need this help to move forward. Please remember these three points. One,
renew your commitment to God and seek his forgiveness. You
(04:58):
want to establish your first love because he will remain
your first love after your husband arrives. Your husband is
second to God in your life, and because he is
a man of faith, God will be his first love too.
A man of faith knows and accept he is second
to God, just as you must accept being second to
(05:19):
God in his life. Pray for God's wisdom to help
you discover your mate. Two, I prepare to study guide
homework basket with questions, handouts, resources to help you reflect
on what we discussed. My prayer is that you deal
with your past hurts and disappointments, so you can move
forward without the weight of your past. Bug, you cannot
(05:44):
find the catch you deserve if the pain of your
past occupies your heart. Pains of your past are weights,
and you must lay aside every weight of those experiences
that assume space in your heart and will cause you
to filter a new healthy relationship from a place of hurt.
But also carrying those weights will cause you to repeat
(06:07):
the same experiences. For this task, take your time and
allow God to heal your heart. Release yourself and those involved.
Let them go. You want to be healthy and whole
when your husband comes. I just wanted to share that
excerpt with you because I introduced The Love as a
Choice work book during my conversation on August third, and
(06:29):
then on August tenth, we went into more detail, especially
some of the questions that you're asked in the workbook,
and I'm going to share with you a few other things,
highlight a few other things with you because I think
what The Love is a choice work with does as
I mentioned, I give it to those I'm having conversations with,
whether single or married. I give them to them. As
(06:51):
well as the fact that I mentioned that My husband
and I both went through the workbook ourselves when we
hit a rough patch, and I think it's the perfect
tool for you to use to really assess where you
are and do the examination because the book talks about
self examination, making sure and he mentioned the scripture Hebrews
twelve and one to lay aside every way, and it's
(07:14):
important for you to do. And it's interesting to me.
I've watched women put in a lot of work and
effort in their branding and their business and their work
and all of the things they need to do, but
this is an area we tend to not want to
put in much work, and it's so important that you do.
(07:34):
You have to do this self examination, making sure that
you're looking at who you are, where you are, what
you have, what you have brought along from childhood to
adulthood that may need to be laid aside. Sometimes you
don't know what it is until you really get into
the details. The Love is a choice has so many layers.
(07:54):
I just want to highlight a few of them for
you so that you can get an idea when you
look in the book. In the workbook, you won't need
the book because the Workbook does a deep dive and
I'm not even touching. I'm only touching upon the surface
of some of the things that you have to look
at ponder. The other questionnaire is answer fill in and
(08:19):
it really makes you. It really walks you through the
steps you need to take because there's layers to it all.
I want you to understand since we're talking about coldependency,
and I wanted to share something with you in the
back of the book hold on just a moment when
it talks about your love tank. It talks about the
many things that can affect how we love and how
(08:43):
we can love inappropriately. It has a heart, and the
heart has the different points that we can how coldependency
can affect us. It affects us by us pleasing others.
Some people please others as their form of love. Then
there's the money. We talked about the money last week
that how you spend your money will tell you what
(09:05):
type of love tank you have or how empty your
love tank may be. Work and food can do it too.
It shows up. Codependency shows up in those areas. Academics,
how people use sexual and romantic conquests as their form
of love. Athletics will do it. People were overly focused
(09:26):
on athletics. Perfectionalism. If you are overly a perfectionate professionalism
that you take to the tenth degree is another indicator.
All of these handling money, All of these can tell
you how code dependency is showing up in your life.
(09:49):
And I want to read a statement on the back
of the book. It says, if these scenarios talks about
the scenarios, codependency relies on not only alcohol, and which
is what we assume cold deependency is. But here's the
other things, money as well. Cold dependency relies on money.
(10:09):
It shows up and how you work, how you eat
your food, sexuality, and any of these things that you
use as a replacement to make yourself happy because your
love tank is so empty. And so the book talks
about how the love tank is empty and what we
use to fill it up, and how we have to
(10:30):
really take a look at these things. I look at
the outline again, and I'm not sure if we're going
to go into another questionnaire, because I don't want you
to have to reveal to me your assessment. I want
you to make this a personal thing between you God
and these exercises, because God will lead you to discover
(10:51):
some things that you need to lay aside. There are
steps of forgiveness in this book that it walks you
through taking the lid off of things, things that you
may have hidden and didn't know that you had hidden
them away. Then there's finding the lost kid. That's what
it talks about because remember, as a child coming up,
you don't know what the scripture says, and you don't
(11:13):
know what you've done. You don't know how what what's
happening in your household has affected who you are now
as a as an adult. How you handle anger. People
always talk about people with anger issues, but how you
handle anger can be a variety of things, and it
goes into details how you can apply false guilt, our
(11:36):
true guilt, and whether and how it shows up, and
where God fixing all of this. You have to look
at that and determine how God fits in all of
this and some other things that it asked you to do.
You there's a chapter that will ask you to rate,
and it tells you how to rate your mother and
how to rate your father. You have to go in
(11:59):
and it's a true deep dive into who you are
as a person and how your parents helped to develop
that and then it also looks at the effects of
codependency in your family role what was your role growing up?
And I can give you five of them. I'm gonna
go to those in just a moment. But Relationship History
(12:22):
Inventory Part one and then there's a Relationship History Inventory
Part two. So this is not something you can just
go quickly through. You're gonna have to take your time
and really do a deep dive following the instructions, taking
the quizes, and then looking at the results. A couple
of things I found that I wanted to share with
(12:42):
you from the book. Last week we talked about one
of the quizes. This was the second one where it
says the characteristics looking at characteristics and categories, it was
a through e I believe in terms of how you
use money. To go back and share with you what
the titles were with each of these category and category A,
(13:06):
and you can go back to last week's episode to
look at how we talked about it. That person who
uses money in that way, that person in category A
is called a hoarder. A hoarder is someone who probably
is really rigid with their money. They don't spend much
at all, and so it identifies your love take and
(13:29):
how you spend your money as a hoarder that you
hold on to every almost every dime you get. Then
category B, which is where I found myself and I
confess to all of you all. Category B is called
the self centered spender. That person has an empty love
(13:51):
take which you try to fill with possessions you spend
to make yourself happy. I remember one night, I'm sorry.
That's the person who spends money on themselves and I
feel best at times I spend money. One of the
areas I found was at times I spend more money
(14:12):
I have on myself, and I feel guilty. This is
not the one I was talking about. Sorry, but that
person is called the self centered spender. That's category B.
Category C is called the other's center centered spender. That
person spends most of their money and buys gifts, constantly
(14:34):
buys things for other people. They're the others centered spender.
Category D is was me. Question number three hit me
when I went through this workbook. When I feel sad
or depressed, I go shopping this category. This person is
called the compulsive spender. That's who I used to be,
(14:57):
and they use excitement of shopping to fill their empty
love tank, because remember that statement. When I feel sad
or depressed, I go shop and I go I used
to go and buy myself something. That's how I satisfied
my empty love tank. So I used money as a
natural high of exhilaration, not to that point, because I
didn't binge, but I definitely went and bought myself into
(15:20):
something to feel better. Category E just want you to
know these category titles. That person is called the prestige spender.
That's the person who spends to make sure they have
the stuff to show other people that they had, and
that's how they feel their love tank. And so that's
what that person did. They come to believe that their
(15:40):
worth is equal to their bank account or are their
possessions what they have better than everybody else. That's the
prestige spender. So I just wanted you to hear the
titles of these just different categories. That's that quiz that
I did. The second one I wanted you to know.
Category A is the hoarder. Category B is the self
(16:04):
centered spender, only spends on themselves, that's it. And category
C was the other centered spender. Category D was the
compulsive spender who spent on themselves to make themselves happy.
And then category E was the prestige spender who purchased
things just to show off and make sure everybody saw
(16:27):
everybody just to see that they had something better than them.
So that's why they spend, that's why they show off,
what they wear, what they bought, what they recently got.
It's got to be flash and it's got to be
better than everyone else. Okay, here's something I want you
to see, and I want to make sure I'm keeping
up on my time, so let's make sure we're staying
(16:51):
on course. Here, let's look at something. And in the
book I wanted you to know we talked about Hebrews
two often one. We talked about your relationship with your parents,
that God the one commandment with the promise. God says
(17:12):
that the honor your father and your mother, that your
days will be long. That's the promise, and it will
be well with you. So later on in life things
will be well. But if it is not well, it's
something you need to be aware of. And again I
talked about the fact that we don't know as children
what we do and why we do it, but it
does not cancel out the scriptures. The book goes into
(17:34):
more detail about different kinds of abuse for you to explore.
But I want you to see something regarding the relationship
history in the toury because in one particular case, it
has us to look at codependency based on our role
in the family. This is really interesting. So let me
(17:56):
tell you about the hero and I'm not going to
ask the questions because again I want you to get
the book and make sure you go through it again.
But those of you who are single are married, this
is a great book for you to have, great tool
for you to have. I said the Book of Fools
is a great book to have in your dating toolbox.
But when you talk about self examination and preparation, it's
(18:19):
important for you to have this, and whether you're already
married or not, it's a great tool to have to
do this examination. These are Christian psychologists and many the
scriptures they share is important for you to know. They
describe the hero and the family. If you were the
hero in the family, you were the very responsible to child,
(18:40):
You took up the slack for the parents. You were
very driven even in school, always having to get straight
a's and making sure you achieved the best as you could,
and then you received a great deal of praise from
teachers and coaches and pastors and tried to keep that
current because that was the kind of thing that filled
your love. And so this is the hero. Something psychologists
(19:03):
said that usually this is the oldest person, but not always.
The hero of the family does not receive adequate praise
from the family about the things that he or she does,
but the heroes responsible. The hero's responsible personality is rewarded
in social and school environments. So that's the hero. Let's
look at the scapegoat in the family. The scapegoat the
(19:28):
parents blame. They says that their parents blame them for
the problems in the family. Many times, my problems were
the center of attention, while my parents dysfunctional problems were ignored.
They and most of the family members saw that person
as a source of pain. They received the most negative
attention in the family, and they were frequently in troubled
(19:50):
with teachers and other authorities. That's the scapegoat. The scapegoat
receives negative attention for rebellious and even destructive behavior. The
negative attention may ironically reinforce the undesirable behavior. Scapegoats may
be blamed for many of the family's problems, and their
behavior creates an ongoing diversion. Here's the mascot. The mascot,
(20:15):
they didn't let the family problems get to them. They
usually laughed them away as long as they can make
a joke. They knew the family would be okay. After all,
they're good at forgetting the pain from their childhood. They
considered they were considered the baby of the family and
it was assumed that they would never grow up. So
(20:38):
the mascot earns attention by grabbing it. The mascot, this
person dissolves problems and pain with a joke. The mascot
finds the best way to deal with the dysfunction in
the family is and they feel that distracting the family
from distressing issues was the way to go. The mascot
(21:00):
may be the only safe person on whom the other
family members may show their affection. Then there's the lost
child in the family. The lost child is the person
that says this, I cause hardly any problems. I always
prefer to be by myself. My parents have said of me,
I was never a problem. I like playing or reading alone.
(21:21):
I thought that if I could disappear from the family
pain that pain could not touch or hurt me. That's
the lost child. The lost child is usually unnoticed. The
person prefers to be alone and escapes the pain of
dysfunction in the family by trying to get along and
staying out of everyone's way. The lost child is nice, constantly,
(21:43):
unbearingly doggedly nice. The lost child also expresses difficulty with
bonding into adult intimacy and may lack the skills of
conflict resolution and needs expression. But that's the lost child.
So I want you to see how all of these things,
and I don't want to do a lot in the
(22:03):
book because it's important for you to do that. You
can see why Grayson mentioned this book and provided one
to his daughter, with all the mistakes that she was
making with her poor dating habits, just in a hurry
to find a husband, not really considering if she's even
ready to be a wife. And isn't that the problem today?
(22:25):
Everybody wants to get married but is doing nothing to
get themselves ready to be the wife they need to be.
And then there's the men want to be married and
doing nothing to get themselves ready, And therein lies the problem.
And that's why the strategy for dating to marry is
so different from high school dating. High school dating, Oh
(22:46):
I love you, Ooh you're so cute, Ooh, let's get married.
Anybody can to get married. But if you're looking to
create a long term marriage and healthy marriage with the
person that you feel that you can is the person
that God has sending to you, then you want to
be the best you can, be the best version of yourself.
So even if you're single right now, this is the
(23:07):
best time for you to put in the work and
do what you need to do to get ready for
the man of God that he has for you and
be the best. It's like being in love and you
want to give your best to the person you're in
love with. But isn't that what you want when God
sends that person to you. You want to give your best.
(23:28):
And so it doesn't matter what stage you're at. Maybe
you're not single and you're already married, so you still
have work to do. You could still get the information
and try not try get the book and work on
those areas, even some of the ones that I may
have mentioned that might you know, you may have said,
that's me. We are constantly growing and developing that's just
(23:51):
our walk as believers. God is always revealing to us
something that we can do to create a better version
of ourselves. As we apply the Scripture to our lives,
it helps us to improve who we are, helps us
to grow and develop and grow stronger in Him. That's
what studying the Word does. That's also what doing self
examination does for you, especially as a believer. I've met
(24:16):
many people pleasers. I wrote about it. There's a character
in the Blue Book that talks about a people please
except in this particular case, this lady learns to use
it for bad. She goes into a relationship and uses
her people pleasing skills for her own game, so she
manipulates the relationship. There are all kinds of characters in
(24:39):
the book that's boring out of some of the things
I've seen, some of the poor choices I've watched, And
even as I talk about the love is a choice,
I watch how people respond to it. I watch how
people responded to the questions I shared with you last week.
You don't have to post anything on in you know
online you you can send me a message, but I
(25:01):
can tell what a person is in denial. The book
talks about denial and how people deny the errors in
their life or the mistakes that they need to correct.
So that's my story today. I wanted to share what
Grayson told his daughter. He showed his daughter Grace in
(25:21):
the story of the very first book to Catch No
One Wants. And the reason it is called that is
because the man that God had for her, she ignored him,
didn't want him, judged him because of the type of
work he did. And that's the reason we talk a
lot about looking at the heart and getting to the
quality characteristics of the person rather than focusing on conditions.
(25:45):
If you're looking at conditions, then you're looking at the
wrong things and it's not going to help you get
to know that person. Even God says he looks at
the heart, he gets to the core who that person
really is. That's why he chose David. So I want
you to know that. That's our story today. Continue to
work on codependency issues. It's part of your self examination,
(26:08):
getting yourself ready for the man of God God has
you has for you. And if you're already in a marriage,
just like I was when we hit the rough patch,
we got into the love as a church. Excuse me,
love is a choice work book, and that's what pulled
us out. We recognize what we drugged into the marriage
from childhood. So don't you wait. Put in the work now.
(26:29):
You really want that husband. You really believe God is
sending you to sending him to you, our guys, you
really believe God is going to send you that woman
of God that you need by your side, that will
compliment you and be there with you. Then put in
the work and you'll recognize her and you'll be so
happy you did. God bless you. Thank you all for
(26:50):
tuning in. I just want to share a couple of
things with you. Remember to go to my website so
that you can look at some of the other products
that's been created to support the message. I will be
adding more and soon we'll be adding more on Amazon
as well. So some have asked about the questions I
have them. They will be a PD yet and will
(27:11):
be on my website as well as on Amazon. I
will be adding that. And I promised the marriage couples
the last five minutes. So let me just say to
all of you, I touched upon what you need to know.
The love is a work of love is a choice workbook.
Is the book you need and it will help you
do what you need to do. Some people don't like
(27:31):
to look go back and uncovered. Look, I share with
you what I had to do. I know exactly who
I was as a child growing up. The book helped
me to identify it. It also helped me to understand
why became who I am right now? Why am I
a coach? When you get the book, you'll see why
came from my growing up to this point. I also
(27:53):
want you to know that it's important for you to
do the work. God will honor what you're doing and
will bless you because of it, because you are learning
how to lay aside the weight, and that's what you
need to do. So also, I want to make sure
that I share that I am going to be adding
(28:14):
a little segment at the end where I'm promoting and
sharing something that someone has sent to me that promote
wants it promoted, and if you're interested, there's a small
fee for that. But today I want to share with
you something that's really special. ESP Books. ESP presents Ellen Sutter.
It's offering book marketing packages the Goal, the Platinum, Platinum,
(28:38):
and the Diamond. I will post a copy of the
graphic in the comments. If you want to copy mail
email to you, please email me at A Deny Publishing
at gmail and I'll send you a copy. And she's
offering her book marketing appointments for September and October for
only a deposit of seventy five dollars. It's normally one
(29:02):
hundred and thirty five. I've been on her program and
I loved it both Instagram and the personal interview. She
says that it will include a one day show, honest
written book review and she will email you the dates
to choose from. And please be aware that there are
no refunds, but you can reschedule if you have a
(29:24):
conflict after scheduling with her. So I will post a
graphic in the comments section. But this is important. I
took advantage of it, and I hope you'll take advantage
to This is by ESP Presents and you will love
working with Miss Ellen Southern. That's all for today. I
thank you all for this time. I hope you enjoyed
(29:45):
this segment of Doctor Belma Talks. Have a wonderful day.
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