August 9, 2024 • 11 mins
What happens when you try to force a person to change and the person refuses. Should you continue to pursue this person? Is this the right thing to do?: Is this high school dating? Dating for marriage is the right strategy, not the high school dating method. Tune in to learn more
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello, Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Doctor
Velma Talks. I'm excited to present to you today and
I could not wait to record this particular segment because
it's something that just recently happened and I wanted to
make sure I added it to the list of episodes.
So this episode is important because it just happened. We
(00:25):
just finished relocating to southern California, my entire family, and
I'm excited and got a chance to have a conversation
with a mover. So you never know how God is
going to open up doors for you to have conversations
with individuals who really need to hear what you have
to say.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
So, because I'm passionate not.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Only to help women become the right mate for the
right mate, it applies to men as well, because I'm
learning my small group of men have a population of
men who are following me as well, so it applies
to them as well. So I hope that this blesses them.
But just so happened. I was in the midst of
moving and one of the movers stopped and said, you
(01:07):
have a lot of books.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I said, yes, I'm a writer. Oh what are you write?
Is the question?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
They asked, and I said, I'm a dating certified dating
and relationship coach. So I write about some of the
wrong miss some of the wrong things that I see
in the dating world, and try to help to bring
this attention to those because people in the Christian community
are applying wrong dating strategies too, and so that especially
(01:34):
to the group that I feel like God has given
the blueprint to, we are making the mistakes. And so
I felt passionate enough to want to write about what
I saw and what I'd.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Witnessed and what I know.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
And so he then asked me, He said, well, let
me tell you what's happening with me. He said, I
have this person I am interested in and we've been
seeing each other in and my family really likes her,
is what he said. And I have a problem with
how she dresses. Now Here, here's how the conversation started.
(02:09):
I have a problem with how she dresses. And so
he began to describe the type of things that she
would wear. And as he described the type of things
she would wear, he, in his own way, tried to
encourage her to change that habit.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
And she hadn't and.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
She wouldn't, and so he began to say that, you know,
in his culture, in the older generations.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
That would not have been acceptable.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
If a woman wanted to marry, she would be respectful
and change her dress. If the husband that she's hoping to,
the person she's hoping to marry express some dissatisfaction with
what she's doing, she out of love would change. And
he began to share what he had to share, and
I said, you know, yeah, I know that a lot
of things have happened, even in other ethnicities, concerning how
(02:58):
older generations would respond to different relationship issues or problems
is different from now because so many are not trained
the way we were trained early on. They were not
taught how to maneuver in a relationship. There is still
practicing high school dating. And I'm gonna be talking about
(03:20):
that in my next episode hopefully, and I hope to
also expand upon something I'm gonna be sharing with you today.
So as he began to tell me that, as after
he finished, I finally got a chance to just share
with him what I was thinking. And I made a
few notes about our conversation, and I said to him, so, what.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
You're trying to do is.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Make this person fit a mold that you have in
terms of what you see your wife should be, how
she should carry itself, how she should dress, all of those,
and you're not satisfied with what she's doing. And you
have suggested to her express to her your dissatisfaction in
how she dresses and all of that, and with to
no avail because she hasn't changed and she won't change.
(04:09):
So I said, here's the thing I want to share
with you. You have witnessed and immaturity in that person.
You have also witnessed that this person dresses to get attention.
And if you force going into a relationship of a
marriage with this person and they're not going to change,
you will have a lot of problems later on, I said,
(04:31):
because that person will continue to create the attention she desires,
whether marriage to you or not. So you need to
think about that. That's a red flag. And I explained
the ried retreat extremely dangerous. This is a person that
is not willing to change, cannot even see that this
is a flaw in themselves. If they're craving attention, there's
(04:53):
an issue there that they need to take the time
to resolve. Yet she's fighting to stay the way she
is and therefore she'll continue to fight after marriage. And
I said, I don't understand why you're continuing to pursue her.
She's immature, she's not ready. So there is your answer.
And he looked at me with a perplexed look on
his face because he was shocked at what I told him.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
And I said, stop pursuing her.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
She's not ready and she's not yours, not for you, basically.
And he said, well, my parents like her, and you
know all of this and all of that, despite the
fact that she dresses provocative.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I guess it's the way to say it.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
And I said, well, you have to understand what I'm
hearing from you is someone is immature. Someone is not
ready to change, someone is not ready to make adjustment.
He said, well, shouldn't they be willing to make those
adjustments if they really love the person? I said, but
she doesn't understand that kind of love yet. She has
(05:56):
a flawed view of love because right now, her view
of love is craving attention, and that's her view of love.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Let me get love this way.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Attention is love to her, even though that's a that's
not a correct way of viewing herself. But that's how
she's satisfying her lack of love. And I said, so
this is not a person for you. She's craving attention.
She's gonna have to fix that in herself. You cannot
fix that in her, and she'll continue to do this
and be this way even after you marry her. Red
(06:25):
retreat extremely dangerous. That's why it's a red flag. And
he looked at me and he said, wow, I hadn't
thought about it that way. I said absolutely. I said,
you cannot force anybody to change. You cannot. If they're
unwilling to change, you cannot make them change. Because in
her eyes, she views this as okay because it's making
her happy, but it's making you miserable, basically. And I
(06:49):
mentioned that to the audience because this is an issue
concerning codependency, and people assume codependency is about drugs. No,
people have a mixed view. Are an unhealthy view of
love can be a codependency issue for them because they're
love in a way. This girl has developed a woman
has developed a way to love herself, even though it's
(07:11):
not healthy. That's satisfying to her. That's a codependency issue.
She just the more attention she gets, the better she
feels about herself. Well, something's broken there and she's going
to have to figure out what that is. And that's
where codependency issues come as it relates to love both
in the male and the female. And so there's a
book that I suggest for my own adult daughters, and
(07:36):
when I started out over close to ten years ago,
I guess I mentioned it. I gave it to them
because I wanted them to begin working on those things
in themselves. No family is perfect, No one is raised
in a perfect, perfect home. There are always issues of
concerns that we pick up along the way based on
(07:57):
how we were raised. And so it's important to take
the time and let's do a dig dive on you know,
let me see what my view of love is. And
that's what the Love is a Choice work with does
it's You do not need to buy them, get the novel,
just get the workbook. Love is a Choice is written
by Christian psychologists and it's my go to resource all
the time when I'm having conversations with individuals about how
(08:23):
they view love. And you'd be surprised at many of
the questionnaires they have in there. There's self examinations that
they have in there, as they cover different topics based
on scriptures, what you will find out about yourself. And
in particular case, this woman seemed very very clear to
me that she had a codependency issue, and so I
(08:44):
just wanted to share that with you because that's something
we need to see and need to explore. And as
I said, it was a book I give to women
when I was having conversations with them. Sometimes with married couples,
I would suggest that the couple get the book for
themselves because it's never too late to fix something that
needs to be fixed. And if you're in a marriage
(09:06):
and it's something that's causing problems, then the book will
help you to identify how you got it, how this
evolved in your life, and then how to get rid
of it. And so again we talked about Paul once before,
who says to lay aside every weight and the sin.
The weight is not necessarily sin. So again that's another
way of us looking at things that need to be
(09:29):
eliminated in our lives. So let it go, let it go,
let it go. But I thought this conversation was so
important that I wanted to share with you this conversation
and how it evolved and how it began and how
it ended. When we concluded our conversation, the young men said,
where do I get your book? And I gave him
(09:49):
the information, and I said, I hope that things go
well for you, but I'm just letting you know that
this is not it. And it gave me another example
of how we fall in love with the idea of
following in love. Now, he was in love with this girl,
yet he was so disappointed in the way in what
she dressed, so he fell in love too soon. And
that's kind of what we talk about a lot. Stop
(10:11):
falling in love with conditions, wait to fall in love
with what you discover about that person. Because what he
discovered after falling in love with her was that she
really wasn't the right one for him because she had
some issues and ye had concerns about her, and so
had he taken the time to really get to know
who she was in the beginning and then wait to
(10:32):
fall in love with what he discovered, he would have
done better. So what about us, What about you? What
are you going to do?
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Fall in love with what you discover about the person,
what's in their heart, their positive characteristics that matter, not conditions,
not what you see on the outside, wait to fall in.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Love with what you discover. So I want to.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Thank you all for this segment of Doctor Volma Talks.
I could not wait to share with you about this
conversations because I was surprised that it happened. But God
has a way of letting you know and validating what
you talk about and what you know that really blesses
other people. So I hope this blessed you today. So
I just want to say thank you again and God
bless you. I'll talk to you next time.
Hello, Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Doctor
Velma Talks. I'm excited to present to you today and
I could not wait to record this particular segment because
it's something that just recently happened and I wanted to
make sure I added it to the list of episodes.
So this episode is important because it just happened. We
(00:25):
just finished relocating to southern California, my entire family, and
I'm excited and got a chance to have a conversation
with a mover. So you never know how God is
going to open up doors for you to have conversations
with individuals who really need to hear what you have
to say.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
So, because I'm passionate not.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Only to help women become the right mate for the
right mate, it applies to men as well, because I'm
learning my small group of men have a population of
men who are following me as well, so it applies
to them as well. So I hope that this blesses them.
But just so happened. I was in the midst of
moving and one of the movers stopped and said, you
(01:07):
have a lot of books.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I said, yes, I'm a writer. Oh what are you write?
Is the question?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
They asked, and I said, I'm a dating certified dating
and relationship coach. So I write about some of the
wrong miss some of the wrong things that I see
in the dating world, and try to help to bring
this attention to those because people in the Christian community
are applying wrong dating strategies too, and so that especially
(01:34):
to the group that I feel like God has given
the blueprint to, we are making the mistakes. And so
I felt passionate enough to want to write about what
I saw and what I'd.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Witnessed and what I know.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
And so he then asked me, He said, well, let
me tell you what's happening with me. He said, I
have this person I am interested in and we've been
seeing each other in and my family really likes her,
is what he said. And I have a problem with
how she dresses. Now Here, here's how the conversation started.
(02:09):
I have a problem with how she dresses. And so
he began to describe the type of things that she
would wear. And as he described the type of things
she would wear, he, in his own way, tried to
encourage her to change that habit.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
And she hadn't and.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
She wouldn't, and so he began to say that, you know,
in his culture, in the older generations.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
That would not have been acceptable.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
If a woman wanted to marry, she would be respectful
and change her dress. If the husband that she's hoping to,
the person she's hoping to marry express some dissatisfaction with
what she's doing, she out of love would change. And
he began to share what he had to share, and
I said, you know, yeah, I know that a lot
of things have happened, even in other ethnicities, concerning how
(02:58):
older generations would respond to different relationship issues or problems
is different from now because so many are not trained
the way we were trained early on. They were not
taught how to maneuver in a relationship. There is still
practicing high school dating. And I'm gonna be talking about
(03:20):
that in my next episode hopefully, and I hope to
also expand upon something I'm gonna be sharing with you today.
So as he began to tell me that, as after
he finished, I finally got a chance to just share
with him what I was thinking. And I made a
few notes about our conversation, and I said to him, so, what.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
You're trying to do is.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Make this person fit a mold that you have in
terms of what you see your wife should be, how
she should carry itself, how she should dress, all of those,
and you're not satisfied with what she's doing. And you
have suggested to her express to her your dissatisfaction in
how she dresses and all of that, and with to
no avail because she hasn't changed and she won't change.
(04:09):
So I said, here's the thing I want to share
with you. You have witnessed and immaturity in that person.
You have also witnessed that this person dresses to get attention.
And if you force going into a relationship of a
marriage with this person and they're not going to change,
you will have a lot of problems later on, I said,
(04:31):
because that person will continue to create the attention she desires,
whether marriage to you or not. So you need to
think about that. That's a red flag. And I explained
the ried retreat extremely dangerous. This is a person that
is not willing to change, cannot even see that this
is a flaw in themselves. If they're craving attention, there's
(04:53):
an issue there that they need to take the time
to resolve. Yet she's fighting to stay the way she
is and therefore she'll continue to fight after marriage. And
I said, I don't understand why you're continuing to pursue her.
She's immature, she's not ready. So there is your answer.
And he looked at me with a perplexed look on
his face because he was shocked at what I told him.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
And I said, stop pursuing her.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
She's not ready and she's not yours, not for you, basically.
And he said, well, my parents like her, and you
know all of this and all of that, despite the
fact that she dresses provocative.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I guess it's the way to say it.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
And I said, well, you have to understand what I'm
hearing from you is someone is immature. Someone is not
ready to change, someone is not ready to make adjustment.
He said, well, shouldn't they be willing to make those
adjustments if they really love the person? I said, but
she doesn't understand that kind of love yet. She has
(05:56):
a flawed view of love because right now, her view
of love is craving attention, and that's her view of love.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Let me get love this way.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Attention is love to her, even though that's a that's
not a correct way of viewing herself. But that's how
she's satisfying her lack of love. And I said, so
this is not a person for you. She's craving attention.
She's gonna have to fix that in herself. You cannot
fix that in her, and she'll continue to do this
and be this way even after you marry her. Red
(06:25):
retreat extremely dangerous. That's why it's a red flag. And
he looked at me and he said, wow, I hadn't
thought about it that way. I said absolutely. I said,
you cannot force anybody to change. You cannot. If they're
unwilling to change, you cannot make them change. Because in
her eyes, she views this as okay because it's making
her happy, but it's making you miserable, basically. And I
(06:49):
mentioned that to the audience because this is an issue
concerning codependency, and people assume codependency is about drugs. No,
people have a mixed view. Are an unhealthy view of
love can be a codependency issue for them because they're
love in a way. This girl has developed a woman
has developed a way to love herself, even though it's
(07:11):
not healthy. That's satisfying to her. That's a codependency issue.
She just the more attention she gets, the better she
feels about herself. Well, something's broken there and she's going
to have to figure out what that is. And that's
where codependency issues come as it relates to love both
in the male and the female. And so there's a
book that I suggest for my own adult daughters, and
(07:36):
when I started out over close to ten years ago,
I guess I mentioned it. I gave it to them
because I wanted them to begin working on those things
in themselves. No family is perfect, No one is raised
in a perfect, perfect home. There are always issues of
concerns that we pick up along the way based on
(07:57):
how we were raised. And so it's important to take
the time and let's do a dig dive on you know,
let me see what my view of love is. And
that's what the Love is a Choice work with does
it's You do not need to buy them, get the novel,
just get the workbook. Love is a Choice is written
by Christian psychologists and it's my go to resource all
the time when I'm having conversations with individuals about how
(08:23):
they view love. And you'd be surprised at many of
the questionnaires they have in there. There's self examinations that
they have in there, as they cover different topics based
on scriptures, what you will find out about yourself. And
in particular case, this woman seemed very very clear to
me that she had a codependency issue, and so I
(08:44):
just wanted to share that with you because that's something
we need to see and need to explore. And as
I said, it was a book I give to women
when I was having conversations with them. Sometimes with married couples,
I would suggest that the couple get the book for
themselves because it's never too late to fix something that
needs to be fixed. And if you're in a marriage
(09:06):
and it's something that's causing problems, then the book will
help you to identify how you got it, how this
evolved in your life, and then how to get rid
of it. And so again we talked about Paul once before,
who says to lay aside every weight and the sin.
The weight is not necessarily sin. So again that's another
way of us looking at things that need to be
(09:29):
eliminated in our lives. So let it go, let it go,
let it go. But I thought this conversation was so
important that I wanted to share with you this conversation
and how it evolved and how it began and how
it ended. When we concluded our conversation, the young men said,
where do I get your book? And I gave him
(09:49):
the information, and I said, I hope that things go
well for you, but I'm just letting you know that
this is not it. And it gave me another example
of how we fall in love with the idea of
following in love. Now, he was in love with this girl,
yet he was so disappointed in the way in what
she dressed, so he fell in love too soon. And
that's kind of what we talk about a lot. Stop
(10:11):
falling in love with conditions, wait to fall in love
with what you discover about that person. Because what he
discovered after falling in love with her was that she
really wasn't the right one for him because she had
some issues and ye had concerns about her, and so
had he taken the time to really get to know
who she was in the beginning and then wait to
(10:32):
fall in love with what he discovered, he would have
done better. So what about us, What about you? What
are you going to do?
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Fall in love with what you discover about the person,
what's in their heart, their positive characteristics that matter, not conditions,
not what you see on the outside, wait to fall in.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Love with what you discover. So I want to.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Thank you all for this segment of Doctor Volma Talks.
I could not wait to share with you about this
conversations because I was surprised that it happened. But God
has a way of letting you know and validating what
you talk about and what you know that really blesses
other people. So I hope this blessed you today. So
I just want to say thank you again and God
bless you. I'll talk to you next time.
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