Dr_ Velma TALKS Episode 9 #wrongdate #datinghelp #marriagegoals

Dr.Velma shares examples of dating the wrong people and why?

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode, actually episode nine
of Doctor Velma Talks. I'm a best selling Christian author,
I'm a certified dating and relationship coach. I am an
ordained minister and a professional speaker. I have been married
fifty blessed years, and I'm grateful to be able to

(00:23):
share some wisdom with all of you and from God's word.
So let's get started today. This is episode nine, and
you believe it. We have talked about from the first
episode qualities and conditions and the importance of examining the heart.

(00:45):
We've talked about questions that women will need to ask.
We've talked about how to receive love. We've talked about
the Love is the Choice work book for several episodes
that because it's important about self examination. Whether you're a
man or a woman, it's important to examine yourself to

(01:06):
see how ready you are. And again, the message is
about not just taking your brokenness, not taking your past experiences,
not taking the disappointments that you had in relationships from
the past and dragging them into the future. So as
Paul said, laying them aside and letting them go. And
that's important. So we spend some Time in the Love
as a choice workbook, and I hope you benefited from it.

(01:30):
I'm going to be giving away some free copies. It's
still a pretty reasonable price on Amazon, so you can
look it up. Just get the workbook. That's all you need.
That's a good place to start for anyone and everyone,
even in a marriage, if you just look into reset
and get things better, put things in a better place.
You can also get the workbook. But hey, this is

(01:51):
what I want to say. My platform is based on
the series that I've written, The Catch series Book one,
The Catch, The One, Book two, The Wrong Catch, Book three,
and response to my mail readors I wrote about the
wrong women. It says the wrong catch, she'll tear down
the house. And Book four is for everyone. It's the

(02:13):
Book of Fools. And I'm telling you, just looking at
some of the descriptions that God gives us on fools
and foolish behavior, it's perfect for you in determining the
right friendship, the right relationship, the right business partner, all
of it. That Book of Fools is really something to behold.
So now let's get started with today. A scripture came

(02:34):
to mind, and I want to share it with you.
And I saw a graphic somewhere and on post it online,
and it drew my attention to some of the characters
in the book. Because the stories are based about based
on making wrong choices and relationships, and so the stories
will really grab you. And the hope is that if

(02:56):
you are in a situation like that, you can see
some of the mistakes you're making, and they also the story.
At the end of the story, you'll get some input
on how to correct what you're doing. So all of
them are beneficial. It's Christian contemporary fiction. However, the Book
of Fools is nonfiction because it's strictly scripture and then
highlighting some things you need to be aware of in dating.

(03:17):
But here's what I want to share with you today.
I want to share with you some of the characteristics
of the wrong men today and some of the characteristics
of the wrong women today because I'm pulling out of
my notes some of the characters that I'm trying to
find my notes. I'm sorry, some of the characters you

(03:38):
will find in the book perfect examples of trying not
to get involved with the wrong people. So let me
just get this for you in just a sec Okay,
let's get started. Let's start with Proverbs twenty nine eighteen.

(03:59):
It says, without the people perish. Let me just break
that scripture down for you. This isn't talking about your
personal version or vision board or plan. But the Hebrew
word vision represents divine communication as from a dream, a revelation,
or a prophecy. And we know that God's word is

(04:20):
as prophetic communication to us. Without God's words, the people perish,
is what it is saying. The word perish is translated
as cast off restraint, to loosen and thus to expose
or uncovered, so to look at without a vision, the
people perish. Again, it reads, we know without the word

(04:40):
of God people are loose. They will go their own way,
live without restraint. A life that rejects God or ignores
his instructions is the way of death. But it also
is a description in the Book of Fools as a fool.
A fool says there is no God. A full rejects wisdom.
That's too e as from the book. So the answer,

(05:03):
so the answer in this verse is blessed is the
one who heeds Wisdom's instruction. We are blessed when we
keep God's instruction. Fear is not a boundary or protection.
It leads the gate wide open to anything at anyone.
So that's what fear's done. Fear does. It opens the
gate to anyone, which means the good, the bad, the ugly, fools,

(05:27):
all of that. But faith builds the perimeters. Faith sets
boundaries and protects and keeps us safe. So they're in
line one of the very first episodes I talked about,
do you believe it's important that no matter what stage
you're in in this journey, that you continue to believe

(05:50):
what God says in his word and so perfect love
casts out fear, and that's important for us to know.
So I want to introduce you to For some of
you who have not read the series, I hope you
get copies that's available on Amazon, are on my web
page doctor Velma Bagby dot com. You can get a

(06:10):
book bundle from my web page doctor Velma Bagby dot
com and it's discounted as well. But here's what I
want to say. Some of you read it, let's talk
about some of the characters in the mail in the
book I wrote in response to the men, the light
blue one that's behind me right there, the wrong catch,

(06:30):
she'll tear down the House. It deals with a lot
of narcissistic women, something we don't talk about much. They
talk about narcissism basically as it relates to men, but
women can be just as narcissisticistic as the men can.
So there are several narcissistic men in the Black Book,
in the stories there but I Want and as well

(06:53):
as in the Purple Book The Wrong Catch, what deals
with the fish that are called the elitists, of the
elitist those that are used in tournaments, the trophy fish,
And so that tells you the type of men you're
going to be dealing with in that particular book. So
let me just highlight some things. A mister narcissists are

(07:16):
a miss narcissist, His or her charm, her talent, her
success or, beauty and charisma is what attracts the person.
So the man attracts the women, the women attracts them.
The men in the same way. Once hooked, however, you
battle with their demands, their criticisms, and their self centeredness,

(07:40):
and so it's pretty dangerous. You'll see it in the stories.
And what makes a person gravitate towards this kind of person,
it's when you dislike yourself when you dislike you. Now
remember self examination, dealing with those issues, those weights that
you need to let you can't run towards a goal

(08:02):
that God has for you. If you're carrying around heavyweight
and one heavyweight is how you dislike yourself. And that's
the reason and self examination. I always begin with the
importance of a woman embracing her worth. I have on
my Woman of worthsh shirt today while Woman of Worth

(08:22):
enjoying my Woman of Worth cup. You can't see the
picture because it's too light, but anyway, the w there
you are, you can see it. The wild cup, which
is based on the scripture Proverbs thirty one. It's important
for you to embrace your worth first. I deal with
a lot of that first and embracing your worth. So

(08:43):
here's what I want you to know. Is important for
you to understand. When we point the finger to everybody else,
I always say, turn the finger back on you because
you got into that because something is off in you.
You got attracted to that type of person because something
is off. So let's talk about them. Mister emotionally unavailable
are miss This is a person who doesn't eagerly show

(09:09):
up for you if it's a guy, he is full
of excuses and indecisives. If it's a woman, the same thing.
Plenty of those examples in the stories. So what is
it that attracts you to this type of person? You
look for the type of people to date if you
don't feel deserving, so you don't feel worthy, so again,

(09:31):
poor self worth. It's not good. And in that state,
it's important for you to slow down and really examine
and fix what's broken. So that's what I have to
say about that. And there's plenty of characters, both male
and female in the series. Here's mister or miss needs
to be fixed. Now. This is what caught my attention

(09:53):
when I saw a graphic the other day and I'm
trying to see if I can find it or here
it is, and the the graphics said he's just broken.
I think I can fix him. That was the quote.
Then it says in response, says he's got eight other
women trying to fix him. Don't be part of the
construction crew. That stood out for me because in some

(10:16):
of the stories you'll see a reference to build a bear.
I usually say, this is not like the build a
Bear in the mall where you get to go into
the mall and just design the bear the way you
want the bear. You get to choose the color, the
type of fur. You get to choose the clothes, the shoes,
the hat, the eyes how you wanted to look. That's

(10:39):
build a bear. God did not cause to build anybody,
because he is in charge of construction. He was the
one that designed the very first man out of dust.
And he was the one that took a rib and
built the woman in the fashion he wanted to build her.
She was built to be a receiver of love or
receiver of goodness, is a receiver of all things great

(11:02):
and wonderful for her. I want you to understand that
this is not a build a person. You cannot fix them.
If you're trying to date someone and think that you
can fix them and make them fit the mold of
her husband, that's not your job. Stop it. I can't
even fix me. I need God's help every day to
help me fix those areas I know I need to fix.

(11:23):
And so it's important for you to understand we need Jesus,
we need the God of our salvation to help us
every day to live this life of where we're the
way we're supposed to and so we all fall short
of his glory. So the mister or mists need to
be fixed. This he feels beneath you. He considers him

(11:43):
a diamond in the rough. Or she feels beneath you
and considers herself a diamond in the rough. Dating him
feels like a project, Yes it is. Dating her feels
like a project. Plenty of those examples in the stories.
And so I know some of you out there can
figure out who these characters are. If you read the book.

(12:05):
You're an over This is the person who gravitates towards
a miss or mister needs to be fixed. You overcompensate.
You often make excuses for something or for what someone
has done. Those are the people that say, oh, he's
like that sometimes. Well he's not like that all the time.
If one time he's like that, that's a red flag.

(12:28):
And so it's important how this person is always ready
to fix everything. That's what she gravitates. He gravitates that
type of person, a mister ors needs to be fixed.
Let's meet mister commitment fold. Plenty of those guys in
the books. Matter of fact, in the Catching of One Once,

(12:50):
pretty much all of the guys in the story except
for one, is a commitment fold. We talk about the
sturgeon who hates getting caught. We're talking about the I'm sorry,
the salmon who hates getting caught. In book one, the
sturgeon who likes to nibble, so he's noncommittal. We're talking
about the puffer fish who's aggressive and abusive. It's not committal.

(13:15):
He doesn't even know what commitment looks like. So we're
talking about fish in the first book who are, like
at the second book, the wrong cast. We've got twins
who doesn't care that they're dating the same women, and
the women don't know. We're talking about the elitist of
the elitis fish, a multimillion dollar business. These fish think
they're the highlight of the day. So you can never

(13:38):
be a crown in this kind of person's life. And so,
mister commitment folk does not want to be, does not
want to commit. Makes it very clear in the beginning.
And yet they are women who still try to date
these kind of men when they know and they think
in their minds that they can change his mind. No,
you're not. If he's noncommittal, he won't. And by the way,

(14:00):
just like that other story, there's lots of women trying
to help them to commit along the way. This person
has a history of short relationships and never have been
married and doesn't want to be a husband or wife.
For those who are women, why are you attracted to
this kind of guy because you're needy? That says there's

(14:21):
something that you need to do in the self examination
of and figure out why you are persistently needy. Attract
men who feel the need to rescue a woman but
not necessarily commit to her not going to happen. This
is commonly seen in women who have abrupt endings and relationships.
It's the same for men who don't want to be committed.

(14:44):
Something's broken there. We're not looking for those kind of men.
God would not. As my grandmother said, d you a
broken glass to cut your lip? Stop it red flags,
red capital red, retreat, extremely dangerous, tad t to the signs.
And then there's mister parasite. He gets help at your

(15:04):
expense and insisting him often puts you in harms away
also rescuing. This says that you are insecure. Whether you're
male or female, you're insecure and you need to figure
out why. Mister bully. We talked about the puffer fish
in the story how to avoid toxic relationships, how to

(15:25):
get out of those? And why are you ignoring the
red flags? In the very beginning, these people come across
as very nice and very friendly, but you need to
examine the heart of the individual and ask those hard questions,
making sure you can who this person is, and stop
falling in love with a stranger. Mister bully, these type

(15:48):
of guys actually are the worst. He blames you for
things that aren't your fault. He talks to you like
you're a child, and he uses an intimidating tone. The
first time you've heard that, are seeing that you need
to run forrest. Run. You should not be in a
relationship like this. And why are you being attractive? Why
are you attractive to this kind of person? Because you

(16:13):
have problems maintaining emotional boundaries. You don't like to draw lines.
You see to win over others by pleasing them. And look,
there's a woman in book three for the Men in
the Blue Book. She's called the People Please her. You
must take a look at her story, and guys, you

(16:35):
need to be warned. Pleasing you all the time is
not always what it looks like. In that particular story.
She uses it. She manipulates the man to get what
she wants. So pay attention to these red flags and
set your boundaries. Do not change your boundaries. Then there's

(16:56):
mister Pushover or miss push over it and the men's book.
She was the anti Hyena, the one that likes to
bark orders all the time. Hyaena is the sound of
a Hyaena is not always the sound of someone barking
and laughing. No, it's a female that's leading the klan,
and she's barking orders. So imagine marrying a woman like

(17:18):
that will always be in charge in bark orders. Read
the story. It's not pretty. So mister pushover, if it's
a guy, he will agree with anything you say. He
has low self esteem, he has no sense of self confidence.
What do you want this man for? When it's obvious

(17:38):
he has some issues that he needs to fix. This
says that you you are a controlling woman. And yes,
that's miss Hyaena in the book, and yes there's plenty
of others. The puffer fish in the Black Book that
dated a woman. These are areas that are not okay,

(17:59):
and you have to fix this of or you have
to be aware that you're doing this. Then there's mister taken.
What about being taken? Doesn't say stop? Already taken? What
about taking? You can't see the red stop sign. He's

(18:21):
married or he's engaged, and some women still think they
can change his mind before he walk down the aisle
a father or in a relationship with another woman. Stop it.
That's craziness. What is it about you that attracts that's
attracted to someone already taken? Low self esteem, no self love,

(18:45):
the things that you need to have because God tells
us the order of love the tears is to love
him with all your heart, mind and soul. If you're
doing this, I question whether or not you love God,
because after that he then says, now love you. And
here it says you have low self esteem and no

(19:06):
love for yourself, so you gravitate towards a person like that.
But what about miss cool guy, our mister cool woman. Well,
the black widow in the man's book, the blue book,
she'll tear down the house. That's who she was. She
was cool and the man wanted her, wanted to marry her.
And then there's mister cool guy, all the elitist fish

(19:30):
of the trophies, who has no room for you to
be a crown in his life because he's wearing all
the grounds. That's the wrong catch. The Purple sorry, the
Purple book. And then there's a character in the Black book,
the catch no one wants. Mister cool guy. He's probably
in a band, has a killer fashion sense, gray hair

(19:52):
or beard. He's just one of the coolest dude. I
don't know. In my day, it was the walk. We
called it the pimp walk, little bumping the step. My
husband still has that walk, and I know a few
other pastors that walks across the stage the platform in
their robe and still has that little skip in their step.

(20:13):
But the cool guys, and so what is it about
you that attracts him? Because he's cool. That's all I'm
saying is you use that as your only reason for
being attracted. You didn't examine his hard. You don't care
about who he is. Really odds are you don't think
you're cool, and so therefore you think you can look
cool by being with a cool guy. Saying from the men,

(20:36):
you think it would be wonderful for your reputation to
stand next to a cool woman, not necessarily, so you
must love yourself and again This is an example that
you don't love you, You're still the only way for you
to be complete and whole is to be standing next
to someone who's cool. And then there's mister perfect on paper,

(21:00):
mister perfect, check checking all the lists, check check check,
examine the hearts. That's all I have to say about that.
All of these stories are in the books. I hope
you enjoyed this episode. I was hilarious when I read
some of these and I hope you enjoy them as well.
I'm a little overtime, but I'm sorry about that. Please
make sure you let me know what you feel about

(21:22):
this episode. You can like you can share these episode
that's being streamed on in Instagram as well as my
YouTube channel. Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel,
subrid subscribe to doctor velmavagby dot com as well so
you can stay at rest on some of the changes
that's upcoming. I want to thank you for joining me

(21:42):
today on this episode. I loved it. I hope you
loved it too. Take care