Dr_ Velma TALKS Podcast July 27_ 2024

Dr. Velma discusses one of her workshop topics entitled The BTL - Build the List, Believe the List and Become the List in the Husband to-be-Prayer LIst. She warns about focusing attention on conditions which will change in time, rather than on the characteristics/qualities of the person. She uses 1 Samuel 16:11 to show that God used the David's characteristics/his heart, to chose him as king.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, everybody, Good afternoon, and welcome to another episode of
Doctor Velma Talks. Let me just tell you a little
bit about myself. I am doctor Velma Bagbee. I'm a
best selling Christian author, certified dating and relationship coach. I
am a professional speaker, certified speaker now your podcast host,

(00:22):
and an ordained minister. And I love helping and I
am passionate about helping women to become the right mate
so that they can attract the right mate. And so
we talk about what happens when you attract the wrong
kind of men. In the dating series that I have

(00:43):
behind me, the Catch No One Once. There's four books
and my favorite, well all of them are good, but
books one and two I wrote for the women, and
they give you examples of stories of women who dated
the wrong men, using fish as the characters, and the catfish,
the sturgeon, the puffer fish. And then the Purple book

(01:05):
there's the trophy fish, the guys who think they're the
elite and number one and so where does the woman
fit She's supposed to be his prize? And then the
blue book right behind me was in response to my
male readers who asked me to write about the wrong
women to date. So there's there's a black widow spider.
There's a couple of women who are barking. One who

(01:31):
barks orders the hyena. There's the catalog, the antelope, I'm sorry.
And then the fourth book is kind of the highlight
of the series to me because it captures eighty scriptures
that refers to a fool. That's why it's called the
Book of Fools. And I talk about the importance of
using God's word as your tool and I say to women,

(01:52):
you should have that Book of Fools and your dating
toolbox because it helps you to identify foolish behavior that
God has already told us about, so you don't have
to go back and redo any of this. God has
given us the guidelines we need, so you need that
in your dating toolbox. We should not be dating a fool,
and dating a fool says that you're a fool too

(02:15):
because you're being foolish and the fact that you are
allowing this kind of person in your life. So pay
attention to the red flags. Are ed retreat extremely dangerous.
There's a reason God gives us those tools so we
can be careful. And unfortunately, I know some women that
ended up in some very difficult and dangerous situations, and

(02:36):
so it's important for us to really take this process seriously.
I refer to it as leaving high school dating in
high school. We're grown people. We should be applying the
word of God in our process. And that's a new
dating strategy that many people don't talk about anymore. It
was talked a lot when I was coming up, and

(02:57):
it helped me to choose why. However, I still had
some things I had to learn along the way. God
had to teach me some things, and so I'm sharing
those things. I'm the tightest two women now. I'm almost
seventy years old. In August, Lord Willing, I will be
seventy and I am the tightest two woman. So when

(03:17):
God blesses you, I've been blessed to be married fifty years.
So why not share what you know with others to
help others discover what you have to have? Long life,
long marriage, long blessed and long blessed years is what
I call it, not perfect, but blessed years. Keeping God
in the center. I talked about that early in the podcast.

(03:38):
So today I just want to talk about In the
book series, we refer to conditions versus characteristics and qualities
that we get caught. High school dating is based on conditions.
We look at the guy, his size, his type, his
athletic abilities. Those are all conditions. And let me tell

(03:59):
you being his married as long as I have, conditions
change over time. So let me just share something with you.
It's important for us to understand that when we put
conditions on our husband to be prayer list, that those
are unrealistic expectations. And so you kill your opportunities when
you do this. So you should focus on the qualities

(04:22):
and nothing more. And many of the qualities you're not
going to know anything about until you start having conversations
with this person. There's no reason for you to be
on hold for three and five years. I talked about
that earlier with somebody that has not declared that that's
their intention for you. You should be able to determine
that early on. So excuse me, my little dog. Daughter's

(04:42):
dog is barking right now. So let me just start
off with the story. I know a young woman who
was assigned to create a husband to be prayer lists
and what she wanted in her future husband, and she
began to write down quickly what she wanted and said
on from the top of her list, she wanted someone
six feet and bold legs. She set that aside, and

(05:07):
soon God did provide her an answer. In time, she
met a young man. The two dated for a brief
time and then broke up, and then two years later
he resurfaced and the two began dating again, but this
time the two became engaged and later married years later.
Not only was her husband, was this person her husband,

(05:30):
but now her pastor. At that time he was a pastor.
She tells of a funny moment while holding her husband's
hand during one of their prayer circles, and she would
look down and chuckle with God. She'd look down at
his feet and say, God, while you have a good
sense of humor, I asked you to send me a
husband with bold legs, and you sent me a husband

(05:51):
with slewed feet. She laughs quietly as she looks down
at her husband's feet. That man I've been married to
for fifty years. That's my story. And at the age
of sixteen, my Bible teacher at church told the girls
in the class to create a husband to be prayer
lists and of course, at the time in high school.

(06:11):
I was sixteen, and the only thing I knew was
the prominent basketball team that we had, and they were
all tall and popular at that time, were bowed legs.
But I want you to understand that was a sixteen
year old writing her list. Those things that I mentioned
at the top of my list were conditions. I also said,

(06:33):
God has his own list as well, because he sent
me a man that was five to nine and this
man with slewed feet. God sent me who he wanted
me to have. So I want you to be encouraged
and know that as you prayer your way through this process,
keep God at the center of every decision, because he
will guide you and lead you. But move your own

(06:55):
self out of the way. Don't put silly things on
your list, and absolutely do not put things on your
list that you cannot meet. Don't create a list of
what you want him to a list of things you
want him to meet or achieve or have and have
present if you can't meet the list that you created,

(07:16):
because it's unfair. So you need to make sure you're
very careful. I created a speaking topic or workshop around
this topic, and I'm just going to give you a
few A little snippet of it. I call it the BTL.
Build the list, believe the list, but become the list.
So don't build a list thinking that this is what
he has. These all the things that he has to meet.

(07:38):
You have to check these off when you meet a guy. No,
build a list, then believe the list, then become the list.
So I want you to know that when I met
my husband and we started out, he had this full afro.
I love that full afro, was always neatly and in place,
and his height was perfect me because I was only

(08:01):
I'm only five to five. He was five nine, so
that was perfect. Didn't have to be six feet. So
we marched down the aisle and I was in a
different spirit, and you know, my shape was different than
what it is now fifty years later. However, we were twenty.
He's turned seventy this year. I will be turning seventy seventy.
Lord say the same in August. But if we both

(08:25):
made those conditions that he wanted me to stay the
same size, I wanted him to keep the afro, we
would not be married right now. Conditions are those things
that you make as contracts, and there's no room for
contracts and a covenant so let me make that clear.
I will marry you if I would marry you if

(08:48):
those are contracts, because we walk into a covenant ready
to keep each other, and that's it. I remember that
when I think in terms of covenant. Early on, my
husband and I we looked at each other and we said,
look at this face. Get used to it, because it's
not going anywhere. And so we were committed to that,

(09:09):
to our covenant we made to each other at the
age of twenty. So I want you to understand that
conditions are those kind of things. And I'm going to
give you another example, some other examples of conditions because
I have it written down. Here is some conditions that
you need to not include because these are things like

(09:31):
a contract. Contracts can be broken. So if the conditions
are not met, then guess what happens to that marriage.
God never told you to do that. I'm trying to
find my list, So hold on some conditions. He must
have a certain career, he must have a certain type job,
he must have a certain income, he must have a

(09:52):
certain occupation. Who does that. You don't want to meet
a guy if God sends him to you and he's
in the wrong occupat you're not going to accept him,
but he has all the other qualities that you need.
He's a perfect match for you, but you discount him
because of the conditions. Physical build, athletic versus non athletic,
skinny versus heavy, type of hair color, eyes, type of career,

(10:16):
type of ethnicity, income level, where he lives, whether or
not he has children. These are some examples of some
of the conditions we use to eliminate perfect con contenders
for you, perfect opportunities for you to meet the guy
that you're asking God to send you. And if God

(10:38):
has sent him, you've already eliminated him based on the
conditions that you list on your list, So do not
put conditions. I want to give you a second example.
Two weeks before we got married, my husband was laid
off from his job, and I remember my mother came

(10:59):
to me and asked, did I want to continue? And
I said yes, And so I'm just adding this. I
mentioned it already, but I want to mention it again
because I said it's not his fault, mom, and she said, okay, fine.
Well we got married. I watched my husband hustle to
get out there to get another job. So it gave
me an opportunity to see the type of man he is.

(11:21):
Then later, my husband within five years exceeded my income
and he remained at that level our entire marriage. So
what would have happened had I judged him based on
the fact that he was laid off, which was beyond
his control. We do those kind of things. So I'm
saying to you, ladies, you tend to eliminate great potential

(11:47):
in men, and yet you get stuck on some of
these insignificant things. They're not important. My husband and I
had the opportunity to build a life together. You guys
are looking for something the guy has already built. Stop it.
Sometimes he won't achieve what God has designed for him

(12:07):
until he has his his helpmate there. Sometimes he won't
get to that level that God wants to take him into.
His companionship is and his companion is in place, So
please and the same for you. Just like with Adam
and Eve, God had purpose in why he was building
that designing, and he built Adam from the dust. Well,

(12:28):
he created Adam from the dusk, but he built Eve
from one of Adam's ribs. When we know DNA is
in the rib, so your DNA must match his and
so you have to let God help you to get there.
So make sure the DNA matches and stop creating a
list of conditions, create a list of characteristics qualities about him.

(12:53):
Ask the right questions. This is you examining whether or
not this is the right fit for you, if this
person is the right If it doesn't take three years
to do that, you can ask a few questions on
the very first date and know already whether or not
you need to move forward, because if his intention is
not the same as yours. So this is about dating
with intent, dating with a goal for marriage. That's all

(13:15):
the scripture talks about. It doesn't mention boyfriends. There's no
boy involved in the conversation concerning concerning the marriage. And
don't try to measure the age of the women who
married back then, like Mary, the mother of Jesus. Don't
measure that they were totally differently prepared women and men

(13:37):
back then than we are now. Matter of fact, I
think my generation may have been the last one that
was prepared properly in terms of all the things we
needed to know to run a household, not only life skills,
but we were taught in high school at sixteen. I
had a financial class on how to bank, how to

(13:58):
manage your checkbook, how to budget. I had a class
on how to take care of a baby and how
to raise children. I had a class on how to cook.
I had a class on how to sew. All of
those life skills we had in high school, they don't
offer those anymore. So we have to rely on other
people to help us, or use wisdom that God gives
you to better yourself. Because, let me tell you, cooking

(14:20):
is important. It's a beautiful way to show love to
your spouse as he shows love to you. Because sometimes
my husband cooks, sometimes my husband cleans. But that's not
the point. You have to want to make sure that
you're ready for that so that you can at least
offer that. Stop making these excuses that you shouldn't have
to do that. Oh, yes, you want to love him.

(14:40):
If you don't, Lanky Lucille on the other side of
the fence, will be healthy to serve your husband a
meal every day. So let's make sure that we forget
about those conditions. I want to share with you something
in One Samuel sixteen, when the prophet had gone to
Jesse's house to anoint one of his sons. So he

(15:01):
paraded all seven of his sons in front of the prophet,
and God was letting the prophet know that know that
none of those sons were the ones he wanted him
to anoint. He paraded all the sons that Jesse paraded,
all the sons that would have been on the cover
of the GQ magazine. So that's who he brought before
the prophet. And finally the prophet asked Jesse. Samuel said,

(15:26):
Jess said to Jesse, do you have any more? Do
you have any more? And this was a first Timeuel
sixteen and eleven he said, he said, do you have
any more? He said, yeah, I have one more, my
youngest son. He's out there with the sheep. And Samuel
said to go get him. And sure enough, that was
the one God wanted him to annoy. It. It was David

(15:47):
that God wanted to annoy. Why because God saw his heart,
He knew the qualities and characteristics of David. And so
I want you to understand. If God had said invited
you to this, to this event, and he said to you,
one of those sons are going to be your husband,
you would have been googly eyed, just like high school
dating over the men that was paraded, you had nothing.

(16:09):
Those were conditions. You knew nothing about their heart, you
knew nothing about their qualities. And as soon as the
stinky David came in smelling like sheep, been outside all
day just doing his job, you would have judged David
and said, can't be him. But guess what, he was
the one to be anointed, That was the one God

(16:30):
had chosen. And so what if that happens to you.
The man's been working hard and you run into him
after a hard day's work, and you judge him based
on what he looks like, what he smells like, that
he's smelling like sheep, all of that, be careful, keep
your heart open to who God has for you. You
will be surprised as to how He brings that person.

(16:51):
So I just want you to know I'm grateful for
this moment that we had. That was part of my
BTL to build the list, then build, then believe the list,
and then become the list. But my favorite part of
that was First Samuel, that scripture I shared in One
Samuel sixteen eleven because it spoke volumes to me, perfect

(17:12):
example of how we would have judged the characteristics of David,
and yet we fail for all we would have fallen
for all the conditions based on what we saw in
the other seven brothers. So that's it for now. This
is my talk for today. This has been doctor Velma Bagbee.

(17:33):
Please make sure you leave your questions comment about anything
you heard today. I appreciate your feedback. If there's questions
you have or things that you'd like for me to
go into more detail about, I'd be happy to. I
promised that I will on the next time. So I
just want to say thank you for listening and joining
in on this particular segment. I usually add a marriage moment,

(17:55):
but couples, you already know what you need to know
about that you have your mate and hopefully you don't
judge him but based on conditions. But you're based on
your judge and based you looked at him based on qualities.
Only value and hold close to you the beautiful qualities
that you have in your husband, just as I encourage
husbands to do the same with your wives. Value that

(18:18):
their gift to you. So have a wonderful day. Thank
you so much for tuning in.