November 15, 2023 • 28 mins
The titular setting for the show was "a seedy bar and grille on New York's Third Avenue". The cast had Ed Gardner as Archie, Alan Reed as Finnegan, Pattee Chapman as Miss Duffy, Jimmy Conlin as Charlie, Veda Ann Borg as Peaches La Tour, and Herb Vigran as Second Story Jackson.
The radio version of Duffy's Tavern ended in 1952. When the TV version began two years later, Gardner's involvement was limited to acting. He said, "In radio, I was the producer and the director and half the time the writer and also Archie." The TV version had Hal Roach Jr. as producer and Harve Foster as director.[6]This program was the second effort to have a TV version of Duffy's Tavern. An earlier, hour-long version was filmed for showing as part of the All Star Revue series. It was never broadcast because the Revue was sponsored by a milk company, and the barroom setting conflicted with the company's image.
The radio version of Duffy's Tavern ended in 1952. When the TV version began two years later, Gardner's involvement was limited to acting. He said, "In radio, I was the producer and the director and half the time the writer and also Archie." The TV version had Hal Roach Jr. as producer and Harve Foster as director.[6]This program was the second effort to have a TV version of Duffy's Tavern. An earlier, hour-long version was filmed for showing as part of the All Star Revue series. It was never broadcast because the Revue was sponsored by a milk company, and the barroom setting conflicted with the company's image.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Hello, Duffies, why do youhate me? D ought you to manage
you speaking? Duffy ain't here?Hello, Duffy tonight Clifton Fatama had a
mental brain from the radio. Huhis he the guy who says, what,
madam, what is your problem?No, Duffy, you're thinking of
Mark Anthony. Oh, this isthe guy that asked the questions on information
(00:38):
please verry brainy guy. Huh yeah, maybe you're right at that, Duppy.
What brains does it take to askquestions? Well, anyways, we
stuck with him. Yeah, he'scoming down to lecture to the Lord Byron
ladies literary society. Well, don'tworry, Duffy, I'm writing to lecture
(00:58):
for him so he can't louse usup. Huh. The crown here and
theosial gang of crumbs. Yeah.Oh, by the way, Moriarty just
come in. He's very sore atthe government, Yeah, for canceling last
year's income tax. Well you rememberwhen he felled out his return. He
(01:19):
chiseled so much he didn't pay nothing. Now he figures he's losing money.
Yeah, well i'll call you back, Duppy. Okay, Ladies and gentlemen,
(01:47):
welcome to Duppies, come on inand meet finnagain, Eddie the Waiter,
Miss Duffy, Fido Gazaar, PeterVan's leading under orchestra, Our special
guests tonight, Clifton, Pattleman andArchie himself, Ed Gardner, Hey the
miss Archer. What happened to thesign? What sign? Eddie? Watch
(02:12):
your hats and Colt sign there?It is only I rephrased the wait so
that the Clifton faimal film are athome here read it, let me see
maintain scrutiny of the chphoos and hathmmm, nice and confused and ana,
yes, isn't it? It's aquotation from Shakespeare? Did you ever see
(02:38):
any of Shakespeare's plays? Eddie wonAs you like him? Well? I
didn't like him. Oh I don'tknow. Maybe he had an off day
that day. Oh d well,Clifton Finnigan, Hello Finn again. Oh
look at this boy? My joba poem by crack Poddle, tool of
(03:01):
fortune to dedicated riot me pism.Yeah that's nice. What the poem,
Fanny? I'll read it to you. Some manish fools and morons, and
some is even judge. But you, dear Clifton combine them all. Natcha
has gave you the woods. Yeah, guy must really like me, Hi,
(03:28):
yeah he must. You may notknow it's been again, but that
poem is written in pure cubic centimeter. Shut the meeting. You mean he's
trun to charge me for it?Don't be a goin to be judge.
You'd have to play at least thennicolameter. And don't forget that's an original
(03:49):
crackpot. Oh yes, miss Duffy, did you see my disysty You what
my diceysty animal vegetable mineral? No, it's a book, Miss Stuffy.
What what you'll be doing with abook? Well, Kristin Fatima's coming down
here, and I don't want himto catch me not reading naturally. Yeah,
(04:13):
you see, if everybody stopped reading, authors would stop writing. And
if authors stopped writing because nobody wasreading, mister Fatiman, being a critic,
couldn't read what authors were writing,and that has put an end she
was writing about reading, and thepull man would be out of a job.
H I say what you mean?Why you put it another way?
If author's right and people miss Stuffie, I don't think I can't to go
(04:36):
around again Thushtjevski? Whoever heard Ofevsky? Oh? You you probably never even
heard of Shakespeare, Miss Duffy,Not alone have I heard of Shakespeare.
I happen to know Bacon, theman who played you orized him, Sir
(04:59):
Frank Missus Bacon, the man whowrote every word that Shakespeare ever wrote?
Archie, Do you mean to standthere and say that the greatest writer that
ever wrote? Didn't? Yes?Side too? Shakespeare? There so cool
part of Stratford, haven't you?I maintained that he is sickly a phony?
(05:25):
Archie? How can you say sucha thing about a man who's too
dead to defend himself, Miss Duffy, You'll dig him up and I'll tell
it tom to his face. Well, well, wait a minute, Archie,
maybe we're talking about him not thesame Shakespeare. What was the first
(05:46):
name of yours? William? Yeah, that's the one, all right,
of course, William Randolph Shakespeare.Besides's, Miss Duffie. When you talk
about guys like Shakespeare, are thingnecessary to mention their first names? Everybody
knows who you mean. I diferwith you in what respect? How about
(06:12):
Washington, Miss Stuffia? If Iwent up to a strange guy and said
Washington. I'm sure the guy wouldknow that I meant George, not if
he was selling train tickets. IfI was buying a train ticket, I
would say Washington, d C.Why don't you say Shakespeare DC? Because
I ain't going to Shakespeare DC?Why not because I can't get a room?
(06:38):
Look, miss Uffia, I gotClifton Fotaman coming down here to raid
my lecture to missis Piddleton, andI'm Dames and I got a lot on
my mind. Folks are pending ourwaiting for the arrival of Clifton Barrenmon,
(08:33):
Missus Pelton, Lord Byron, Ladies, literary Society, you will be simply
enchanted to know that we will nowhear a song by mister Theo Gizar Mexico's
answer Toute Andrews, Sisters, whatis the song? You know? I
will sing a beautiful song entitled Sebone. Well that's your own negative, go
(08:56):
ahead and sing it. Ladies willplay fore Svona Yson and you're see how
get lacking mo Any Moore, saveon no sin hob be here. I
(09:18):
am on read an Yuma abon wantyour panti and s wanna see I am
(09:41):
on reading an yumo for the legfor them becomes for their great he won't
you're the gar or your memory forthe dama manachy can all and with to
(10:11):
pay eevil. I'll alude you're thereto battle Moppian twin sable wan you bunci
(10:43):
con stable she hi body, Ohyeh let me come old green no sea,
(11:41):
Oh bravado, you don't sim playbravado. WoT show ground show.
Then the dods do that that makesthe pataman drink coffee coffee, I guess
so any wine, we're running alittle short. We'll add some chick wait
to want your gun. Okay,but chickery added to chickery of God TEUs
(12:03):
a little Yeah, Well he'd probablybe reading a book anyway. You won't
notice at the archie, dear boy, well missus Pendleton, how are you
looking? Great? Archie? Youknow I look a fright? All right?
What makes you look like such afright? I've had a terrible experience,
(12:26):
terrible. I had to come downhere by subway, good gracious the
subway, how ghastly there was noalternative. You see my limousine. It's
all to komba. Yeah what youor the komba? Archie a French expression
(12:48):
out of action. Oh you meanlike oh pa opa, an American expression
out of guess at the subway mustbe a simply living on one to write
in huh oh yes, yes,but encounters such a bourgeois class of society.
Oh, simply bourgeois. Yeah,yeah, makes one sorry one went
(13:09):
to the trouble of ducking under thetrain style, Archie. Then you have
been in the subway only in London. Of course, over there we referred
to it as delivered. But somuch for conversation. I'm glad to see
(13:31):
you. Well, it's a delightto be here again on the same except
poor mister Duffy. He seems tohave aged considerably. Missus Pendleton, that's
the moose head you're looking at?Head, Oh, Archie, Archie,
I'm said you'll have to remove it. Why my doctor's daughters. I'm allergic
(13:52):
to stuffed animals. Oh, yes, this is gret Maybe you and miss
Salad. Well, mister Satan isn'there yet that I can't help it.
(14:13):
There's a boot here and have donesomething that I hate either, I should
do far it already hasn't been shocked. Yes, he's speaking Kuke on literature
don't do don't both. Well,we'll wait for you, darling. Goodbye,
(14:43):
good oh oh oh thank you.Missus Pendleton, the operator says,
your sun hight Hey Eddie, uherdie, take missus Peddleton into the kitchen
(15:15):
dash she won't smell the most.I see what you mean? Uh want,
Miss Duffy. Ain't that mister Santamancoming in? Oh sure, Clifton
Partama, Well, well it ain'tme, old Clifton Fatamen. Tell you
a kip old Royal. I amlooking for someone named Partie just a minute.
(15:43):
I'm art you had the pleasure ofmeeting me judged a short months ago.
Oh I'm sorry, but I'm wearingmy white's glasses your wife's glasses,
Paul, that's different. I can'texpect your wife to know me. Oh,
by the way, mister Farnaman,this is a miss Duffy Plaza five
nine seven. Oh, I begyour pardon. So you're always asking questions.
(16:08):
I thought i'd give you the answerface, Miss Duffy. Mister Fatiman
is an intellectual. You don't goout with dames of that intellectual. I
ain't. In fact, when itcomes to dames, my taste is positively
low brow Plaza five nine prelates.Oh, please, miss Duffy. Mister
(16:37):
Fatiman just came hit hip. Bythe way, speaking of books, who
are I wise? Uh? Speakingof books, did you ever read any
of the works of the famous poetand forger back bottletool o'tool? What sort
of things does he write? Uh? Mostly sonnets and bump check that's him,
(17:03):
Litton bum checks. That's him overthere doting a pinball machine. He
crackpot, Yeah, crackpot. Comeon, Clifton fireman, make crack bottle
tak crackpot, make Clifton Fotaman.Here's th guys should have a lot in
common. Oh, you'll refort you, mister fantaman. Crackpot. Mister Fantaman,
(17:26):
it's from information. Please kept yourpart in Crackpot's ignorancy. He's been
upstate, up the ostening. Ohyou're made him clank and the clink.
Yeah in a manner of speaking.Yes, we can talk about it,
can't we, Crackpot? Why not? It was nothing only a few years
be forgery. I made a littleinnocent mistake when I signed a check.
(17:51):
I put two t's in Vanderbilt.The whole thing was laughable. Uh.
Fine, away cap someday, ifyou'll get a chance, I'd like you
to get a look at that crackpot'sadaptation of Shakespeare. Crack Pot, you
(18:15):
rewrote Shakespeare? Yep, he wrotetwenty three at his plays. How long
did it take you? Twenty threeminutes? Twenty three minutes, pac man,
I bet you Shakespeare himself didn't evenwrite it that fast. Well,
after all, Arge, I gota nudge on the guy. I may
be dextrous once, then who handeddixtrius? I can write with both hands.
(18:41):
I met the farm and I couldn'tyou use a crackpot on information?
Please sometime? But to Archie,we have a poetry expert. John Kurrat
ranted. But suppose you ask Karento quote you something, say from Lord
Byron? But he doing, ofcourse he could quote old Sterns. Good
crack pot do that? Not alonecould pack Putt quote hole standzas he could
(19:04):
give you a whole poem in Byron'sown handwriting. Thank god, Okay,
crack put God. Yeah, itdoesn't want to know when the lecture's gonna
start. Oh, any minute thathe go over and talk to her,
keep her happy, Say I've beentalking to her. I say soon.
(19:25):
She said thank you. I saysoon, said thank you? I say
you soon? How she said thankyou? Put him innot in this conversation
here, Well talk to her anyways. Are you ready for the lecture,
mister Bantaman? Already? Okay,you ready? Danny Ready, ladies and
jad got the second mister Bantaman.What's right? Is right? Danny started
(19:45):
first? The shines you ain't studied? D like to that I wrote,
you wrote a lecture for me.You seem amazed. I'll go over with
you in a minute. Schuchat andwell, mister Leavis gets dotted. Huh,
(21:18):
archie, did I hear you correctly? You wrote a lecture for me?
That's right, and you expect meto read it? Don't worry.
There ain't many big whites, andwhat ones there is? I wrote out
in capital type here it is.But but I brought my own lecture,
your own like. Look, Fatiman, suppose you was in my spot.
(21:41):
Would you let every Tom, Dickand Harry come in up the street and
read his own stuff? How doI know it's clean? How do I
know it makes sense? Well?I was just going to talk about the
rudimentary forms of ionic pentameter, yousee. Well say, in this business,
(22:03):
we've got to protect ourselves. Well, all right, I'll read your
speech. But if there's one thing, why if I get fired from information?
Please? Can I eat here thatI wouldn't advice? Now, please
leave us, get gone. Oh, we don't let you go to start
(22:27):
any minute, Missus Piddleton. Oh, missus p this is Clifton Fatom.
Oh. It's so sad that Iwant you to know how to seriously happy.
It takes us girls to have abed like you talk to us,
Missus Piddleton. These days it makesgirls deliriously happy. If any man talks
(22:48):
to leave us get on with thelecture. Huh trumpets, please thank you.
Your man is improving, mister benSteven. Thank you, ladies.
I introduce a man who needs nointroduction, So without further introducing him,
(23:11):
I present you, mister Clifton Fatiman, elect you, mister bat Thank you,
one and all ladies of the LordByron, Ladies Literary society. My
(23:33):
subject for tonight is contemptuary literature.I will discuss contemptuary literature from Literature in
the Middle Ages, two books forchildren. Literature is divided into three parts,
(23:56):
fiction, non fiction and aren't youwhere's the third part? I couldn't
think of it. I went nutone. Literature was started by the cavemen,
who used to chop out stories instone with an axe, hence the
term pack writer. This, however, was very hard on the circulating live
(24:23):
berries, as people got tired carryinghome them stone books. Besides, many
times the stones would fall on theauthor, crushing him, hence the expression
foulk writer. This led to theinvention of sheepskin, which up till then
(24:51):
had only been used for diplomas literature. Literature has gave birth to more writers
than any other professional, namely amongwhom are Shakespeare, Bacon, Dickens,
(25:11):
and Sir Walter Lipton. Among theFrench writers are Voltaire, Charlemagne and franch
Ochon. Say Archie, you leftout Mademoiselle from Rmancy. That's a different
kind of literature, yes now now. Among the American writers is also a
(25:40):
great assortment of literary authors. Justas music has its three bees, back,
Bach and Bookhoven, American literature hasits three olds O'Neill odettes, an
(26:00):
old tool. Next comes the Russianwriters, among who is Tolstoy, Rimsky,
Corsica, Dostoevsky and the greatest Russianof them all. Oh, I
can't. I can't go ahead,fatimin ivan Hoe and Archie. I can't
(26:40):
do one with it. My reputationwill be ruined. Ladies, the lecture
is over. I thank you,Yes, missus Piddle. I've heard you
speak many times. I've read everyword you've ever written, your books,
your reviews in the New Yorker magazine. Yes, and that's one thing I
want to tell you, in mypersonal opinion, this is the first time
you need this. Well, it'skind to leave duppies for the evening,
(27:15):
but let's all need again the duppiesnext week, when our guests will be
money woman, keep the evening beforethe time. Remember Dumphy's well you late
mainte Yeah, Dubley next week,Monty Woolie, Hey, get a guy
with the bed. Huh do hotweather? Don't worry, duppy nature takes
(27:40):
care of them things. In thesummer. He sheds
Hello, Duffies, why do youhate me? D ought you to manage
you speaking? Duffy ain't here?Hello, Duffy tonight Clifton Fatama had a
mental brain from the radio. Huhis he the guy who says, what,
madam, what is your problem?No, Duffy, you're thinking of
Mark Anthony. Oh, this isthe guy that asked the questions on information
(00:38):
please verry brainy guy. Huh yeah, maybe you're right at that, Duppy.
What brains does it take to askquestions? Well, anyways, we
stuck with him. Yeah, he'scoming down to lecture to the Lord Byron
ladies literary society. Well, don'tworry, Duffy, I'm writing to lecture
(00:58):
for him so he can't louse usup. Huh. The crown here and
theosial gang of crumbs. Yeah.Oh, by the way, Moriarty just
come in. He's very sore atthe government, Yeah, for canceling last
year's income tax. Well you rememberwhen he felled out his return. He
(01:19):
chiseled so much he didn't pay nothing. Now he figures he's losing money.
Yeah, well i'll call you back, Duppy. Okay, Ladies and gentlemen,
(01:47):
welcome to Duppies, come on inand meet finnagain, Eddie the Waiter,
Miss Duffy, Fido Gazaar, PeterVan's leading under orchestra, Our special
guests tonight, Clifton, Pattleman andArchie himself, Ed Gardner, Hey the
miss Archer. What happened to thesign? What sign? Eddie? Watch
(02:12):
your hats and Colt sign there?It is only I rephrased the wait so
that the Clifton faimal film are athome here read it, let me see
maintain scrutiny of the chphoos and hathmmm, nice and confused and ana,
yes, isn't it? It's aquotation from Shakespeare? Did you ever see
(02:38):
any of Shakespeare's plays? Eddie wonAs you like him? Well? I
didn't like him. Oh I don'tknow. Maybe he had an off day
that day. Oh d well,Clifton Finnigan, Hello Finn again. Oh
look at this boy? My joba poem by crack Poddle, tool of
(03:01):
fortune to dedicated riot me pism.Yeah that's nice. What the poem,
Fanny? I'll read it to you. Some manish fools and morons, and
some is even judge. But you, dear Clifton combine them all. Natcha
has gave you the woods. Yeah, guy must really like me, Hi,
(03:28):
yeah he must. You may notknow it's been again, but that
poem is written in pure cubic centimeter. Shut the meeting. You mean he's
trun to charge me for it?Don't be a goin to be judge.
You'd have to play at least thennicolameter. And don't forget that's an original
(03:49):
crackpot. Oh yes, miss Duffy, did you see my disysty You what
my diceysty animal vegetable mineral? No, it's a book, Miss Stuffy.
What what you'll be doing with abook? Well, Kristin Fatima's coming down
here, and I don't want himto catch me not reading naturally. Yeah,
(04:13):
you see, if everybody stopped reading, authors would stop writing. And
if authors stopped writing because nobody wasreading, mister Fatiman, being a critic,
couldn't read what authors were writing,and that has put an end she
was writing about reading, and thepull man would be out of a job.
H I say what you mean?Why you put it another way?
If author's right and people miss Stuffie, I don't think I can't to go
(04:36):
around again Thushtjevski? Whoever heard Ofevsky? Oh? You you probably never even
heard of Shakespeare, Miss Duffy,Not alone have I heard of Shakespeare.
I happen to know Bacon, theman who played you orized him, Sir
(04:59):
Frank Missus Bacon, the man whowrote every word that Shakespeare ever wrote?
Archie, Do you mean to standthere and say that the greatest writer that
ever wrote? Didn't? Yes?Side too? Shakespeare? There so cool
part of Stratford, haven't you?I maintained that he is sickly a phony?
(05:25):
Archie? How can you say sucha thing about a man who's too
dead to defend himself, Miss Duffy, You'll dig him up and I'll tell
it tom to his face. Well, well, wait a minute, Archie,
maybe we're talking about him not thesame Shakespeare. What was the first
(05:46):
name of yours? William? Yeah, that's the one, all right,
of course, William Randolph Shakespeare.Besides's, Miss Duffie. When you talk
about guys like Shakespeare, are thingnecessary to mention their first names? Everybody
knows who you mean. I diferwith you in what respect? How about
(06:12):
Washington, Miss Stuffia? If Iwent up to a strange guy and said
Washington. I'm sure the guy wouldknow that I meant George, not if
he was selling train tickets. IfI was buying a train ticket, I
would say Washington, d C.Why don't you say Shakespeare DC? Because
I ain't going to Shakespeare DC?Why not because I can't get a room?
(06:38):
Look, miss Uffia, I gotClifton Fotaman coming down here to raid
my lecture to missis Piddleton, andI'm Dames and I got a lot on
my mind. Folks are pending ourwaiting for the arrival of Clifton Barrenmon,
(08:33):
Missus Pelton, Lord Byron, Ladies, literary Society, you will be simply
enchanted to know that we will nowhear a song by mister Theo Gizar Mexico's
answer Toute Andrews, Sisters, whatis the song? You know? I
will sing a beautiful song entitled Sebone. Well that's your own negative, go
(08:56):
ahead and sing it. Ladies willplay fore Svona Yson and you're see how
get lacking mo Any Moore, saveon no sin hob be here. I
(09:18):
am on read an Yuma abon wantyour panti and s wanna see I am
(09:41):
on reading an yumo for the legfor them becomes for their great he won't
you're the gar or your memory forthe dama manachy can all and with to
(10:11):
pay eevil. I'll alude you're thereto battle Moppian twin sable wan you bunci
(10:43):
con stable she hi body, Ohyeh let me come old green no sea,
(11:41):
Oh bravado, you don't sim playbravado. WoT show ground show.
Then the dods do that that makesthe pataman drink coffee coffee, I guess
so any wine, we're running alittle short. We'll add some chick wait
to want your gun. Okay,but chickery added to chickery of God TEUs
(12:03):
a little Yeah, Well he'd probablybe reading a book anyway. You won't
notice at the archie, dear boy, well missus Pendleton, how are you
looking? Great? Archie? Youknow I look a fright? All right?
What makes you look like such afright? I've had a terrible experience,
(12:26):
terrible. I had to come downhere by subway, good gracious the
subway, how ghastly there was noalternative. You see my limousine. It's
all to komba. Yeah what youor the komba? Archie a French expression
(12:48):
out of action. Oh you meanlike oh pa opa, an American expression
out of guess at the subway mustbe a simply living on one to write
in huh oh yes, yes,but encounters such a bourgeois class of society.
Oh, simply bourgeois. Yeah,yeah, makes one sorry one went
(13:09):
to the trouble of ducking under thetrain style, Archie. Then you have
been in the subway only in London. Of course, over there we referred
to it as delivered. But somuch for conversation. I'm glad to see
(13:31):
you. Well, it's a delightto be here again on the same except
poor mister Duffy. He seems tohave aged considerably. Missus Pendleton, that's
the moose head you're looking at?Head, Oh, Archie, Archie,
I'm said you'll have to remove it. Why my doctor's daughters. I'm allergic
(13:52):
to stuffed animals. Oh, yes, this is gret Maybe you and miss
Salad. Well, mister Satan isn'there yet that I can't help it.
(14:13):
There's a boot here and have donesomething that I hate either, I should
do far it already hasn't been shocked. Yes, he's speaking Kuke on literature
don't do don't both. Well,we'll wait for you, darling. Goodbye,
(14:43):
good oh oh oh thank you.Missus Pendleton, the operator says,
your sun hight Hey Eddie, uherdie, take missus Peddleton into the kitchen
(15:15):
dash she won't smell the most.I see what you mean? Uh want,
Miss Duffy. Ain't that mister Santamancoming in? Oh sure, Clifton
Partama, Well, well it ain'tme, old Clifton Fatamen. Tell you
a kip old Royal. I amlooking for someone named Partie just a minute.
(15:43):
I'm art you had the pleasure ofmeeting me judged a short months ago.
Oh I'm sorry, but I'm wearingmy white's glasses your wife's glasses,
Paul, that's different. I can'texpect your wife to know me. Oh,
by the way, mister Farnaman,this is a miss Duffy Plaza five
nine seven. Oh, I begyour pardon. So you're always asking questions.
(16:08):
I thought i'd give you the answerface, Miss Duffy. Mister Fatiman
is an intellectual. You don't goout with dames of that intellectual. I
ain't. In fact, when itcomes to dames, my taste is positively
low brow Plaza five nine prelates.Oh, please, miss Duffy. Mister
(16:37):
Fatiman just came hit hip. Bythe way, speaking of books, who
are I wise? Uh? Speakingof books, did you ever read any
of the works of the famous poetand forger back bottletool o'tool? What sort
of things does he write? Uh? Mostly sonnets and bump check that's him,
(17:03):
Litton bum checks. That's him overthere doting a pinball machine. He
crackpot, Yeah, crackpot. Comeon, Clifton fireman, make crack bottle
tak crackpot, make Clifton Fotaman.Here's th guys should have a lot in
common. Oh, you'll refort you, mister fantaman. Crackpot. Mister Fantaman,
(17:26):
it's from information. Please kept yourpart in Crackpot's ignorancy. He's been
upstate, up the ostening. Ohyou're made him clank and the clink.
Yeah in a manner of speaking.Yes, we can talk about it,
can't we, Crackpot? Why not? It was nothing only a few years
be forgery. I made a littleinnocent mistake when I signed a check.
(17:51):
I put two t's in Vanderbilt.The whole thing was laughable. Uh.
Fine, away cap someday, ifyou'll get a chance, I'd like you
to get a look at that crackpot'sadaptation of Shakespeare. Crack Pot, you
(18:15):
rewrote Shakespeare? Yep, he wrotetwenty three at his plays. How long
did it take you? Twenty threeminutes? Twenty three minutes, pac man,
I bet you Shakespeare himself didn't evenwrite it that fast. Well,
after all, Arge, I gota nudge on the guy. I may
be dextrous once, then who handeddixtrius? I can write with both hands.
(18:41):
I met the farm and I couldn'tyou use a crackpot on information?
Please sometime? But to Archie,we have a poetry expert. John Kurrat
ranted. But suppose you ask Karento quote you something, say from Lord
Byron? But he doing, ofcourse he could quote old Sterns. Good
crack pot do that? Not alonecould pack Putt quote hole standzas he could
(19:04):
give you a whole poem in Byron'sown handwriting. Thank god, Okay,
crack put God. Yeah, itdoesn't want to know when the lecture's gonna
start. Oh, any minute thathe go over and talk to her,
keep her happy, Say I've beentalking to her. I say soon.
(19:25):
She said thank you. I saysoon, said thank you? I say
you soon? How she said thankyou? Put him innot in this conversation
here, Well talk to her anyways. Are you ready for the lecture,
mister Bantaman? Already? Okay,you ready? Danny Ready, ladies and
jad got the second mister Bantaman.What's right? Is right? Danny started
(19:45):
first? The shines you ain't studied? D like to that I wrote,
you wrote a lecture for me.You seem amazed. I'll go over with
you in a minute. Schuchat andwell, mister Leavis gets dotted. Huh,
(21:18):
archie, did I hear you correctly? You wrote a lecture for me?
That's right, and you expect meto read it? Don't worry.
There ain't many big whites, andwhat ones there is? I wrote out
in capital type here it is.But but I brought my own lecture,
your own like. Look, Fatiman, suppose you was in my spot.
(21:41):
Would you let every Tom, Dickand Harry come in up the street and
read his own stuff? How doI know it's clean? How do I
know it makes sense? Well?I was just going to talk about the
rudimentary forms of ionic pentameter, yousee. Well say, in this business,
(22:03):
we've got to protect ourselves. Well, all right, I'll read your
speech. But if there's one thing, why if I get fired from information?
Please? Can I eat here thatI wouldn't advice? Now, please
leave us, get gone. Oh, we don't let you go to start
(22:27):
any minute, Missus Piddleton. Oh, missus p this is Clifton Fatom.
Oh. It's so sad that Iwant you to know how to seriously happy.
It takes us girls to have abed like you talk to us,
Missus Piddleton. These days it makesgirls deliriously happy. If any man talks
(22:48):
to leave us get on with thelecture. Huh trumpets, please thank you.
Your man is improving, mister benSteven. Thank you, ladies.
I introduce a man who needs nointroduction, So without further introducing him,
(23:11):
I present you, mister Clifton Fatiman, elect you, mister bat Thank you,
one and all ladies of the LordByron, Ladies Literary society. My
(23:33):
subject for tonight is contemptuary literature.I will discuss contemptuary literature from Literature in
the Middle Ages, two books forchildren. Literature is divided into three parts,
(23:56):
fiction, non fiction and aren't youwhere's the third part? I couldn't
think of it. I went nutone. Literature was started by the cavemen,
who used to chop out stories instone with an axe, hence the
term pack writer. This, however, was very hard on the circulating live
(24:23):
berries, as people got tired carryinghome them stone books. Besides, many
times the stones would fall on theauthor, crushing him, hence the expression
foulk writer. This led to theinvention of sheepskin, which up till then
(24:51):
had only been used for diplomas literature. Literature has gave birth to more writers
than any other professional, namely amongwhom are Shakespeare, Bacon, Dickens,
(25:11):
and Sir Walter Lipton. Among theFrench writers are Voltaire, Charlemagne and franch
Ochon. Say Archie, you leftout Mademoiselle from Rmancy. That's a different
kind of literature, yes now now. Among the American writers is also a
(25:40):
great assortment of literary authors. Justas music has its three bees, back,
Bach and Bookhoven, American literature hasits three olds O'Neill odettes, an
(26:00):
old tool. Next comes the Russianwriters, among who is Tolstoy, Rimsky,
Corsica, Dostoevsky and the greatest Russianof them all. Oh, I
can't. I can't go ahead,fatimin ivan Hoe and Archie. I can't
(26:40):
do one with it. My reputationwill be ruined. Ladies, the lecture
is over. I thank you,Yes, missus Piddle. I've heard you
speak many times. I've read everyword you've ever written, your books,
your reviews in the New Yorker magazine. Yes, and that's one thing I
want to tell you, in mypersonal opinion, this is the first time
you need this. Well, it'skind to leave duppies for the evening,
(27:15):
but let's all need again the duppiesnext week, when our guests will be
money woman, keep the evening beforethe time. Remember Dumphy's well you late
mainte Yeah, Dubley next week,Monty Woolie, Hey, get a guy
with the bed. Huh do hotweather? Don't worry, duppy nature takes
(27:40):
care of them things. In thesummer. He sheds
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