November 16, 2023 • 28 mins
The titular setting for the show was "a seedy bar and grille on New York's Third Avenue". The cast had Ed Gardner as Archie, Alan Reed as Finnegan, Pattee Chapman as Miss Duffy, Jimmy Conlin as Charlie, Veda Ann Borg as Peaches La Tour, and Herb Vigran as Second Story Jackson.
The radio version of Duffy's Tavern ended in 1952. When the TV version began two years later, Gardner's involvement was limited to acting. He said, "In radio, I was the producer and the director and half the time the writer and also Archie." The TV version had Hal Roach Jr. as producer and Harve Foster as director.[6]This program was the second effort to have a TV version of Duffy's Tavern. An earlier, hour-long version was filmed for showing as part of the All Star Revue series. It was never broadcast because the Revue was sponsored by a milk company, and the barroom setting conflicted with the company's image.
The radio version of Duffy's Tavern ended in 1952. When the TV version began two years later, Gardner's involvement was limited to acting. He said, "In radio, I was the producer and the director and half the time the writer and also Archie." The TV version had Hal Roach Jr. as producer and Harve Foster as director.[6]This program was the second effort to have a TV version of Duffy's Tavern. An earlier, hour-long version was filmed for showing as part of the All Star Revue series. It was never broadcast because the Revue was sponsored by a milk company, and the barroom setting conflicted with the company's image.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
In cooperation with the Armed Forces RadioService. The following broadcast is one of
the radio programs elected to be shortwavedto our Armed Forces overseas. Bristol Myers,
the makers of Salhapaboc, a famouslaxative and minute rub modern chest rub.
Bring you Duffy's tavern. Hellow Duffy'sDarvin when you late may date at
(00:37):
you I manages making Duffy ain't here, Hello Duffy tonight, Colonel stop nagel
Oh. I wouldn't say that Duffyand he's lost weight. I would describe
more as a big thin slat crazy. I ain't really crazy. I describe
(00:59):
more as a wealthy eccentric with nodough. Yeah. His inventions, well,
Duffy, he's invented some very goodones. Well. Let bathroom door
that you don't have to wait outsidehim, Yeah, because it opens into
a closet. Yeah. Them rounddice. He has round dice, you
(01:21):
know, for people who would ratherplay marbles another. Hey, Duffy wants
that noise. Missus Duffy slugging youwith a frying pin because you won't buy
her a mink coat. Duffy,you better leave us slug you a mink
could probably set you back about onehundred and fifty bucks. Oh, certainly
even more expensive than rabbit. Wellthat's like on account there's more rabbits than
(01:47):
minks. Why is that, Well, maybe it's because the rabbit is a
friendlier animal. Oh look, Duffy, I'm busy. Fight it out yourself.
I gotta go figure me in contact. I'll punch your fat. Ladies
(02:14):
and gentlemen. Welcome to Duffi's tavern. Come in and finn again. Eddie
the waiter, Benevenuta, Peter vanStephen and his orchestra, our special guest
tonight trying to Lemuel Q stoop Nageland Archie himself Edgard brought to you by
two products. It will pay youto remember minute Rob when you have a
cold, sal Hopatka when you needa lexid in minute Rob sal Hapadoka.
(02:40):
Now let's see, I gotta figurethese taxes. Now, me only salary.
That's anthies. That's fifteen dollars aweek, and there's forty eight weeks
in a year. And it's fiftytwo weeks in a year. You're thinking
of states fifty two weeks. There'stwelve months in a year, right,
(03:04):
and there's four weeks and a month. Right, Well, you multiply four
by twelve when you get you're right, it is fifty two. Holy has
fifty two weeks except lit year ofcourse, then at fifty three weeks.
Oh naturally. Now let's see uhfifteen fifteen your times at by fifty two.
(03:29):
That's six stray. Oh, shoveover the ziper. That's uh,
that makes the five docierary. Butlet me look at that tax plank.
Amen. Let's see here. Itsays see footnote one foot not one,
see schedule B. Schedule B.See what note two foot not two?
(03:54):
See foot note one foot not one. If you claim a credit in line
fifteen, disregard line nineteen a completeSchedule L one, page four instructions,
and at the computation in line nineteenC. I'll ignore. That must be
(04:23):
a typogathical error. Now a financeschedule one to the fifteen. By the
way, do you want me tohelp you with your taxes? No?
Thanks, No, I don't allbother you. You got enough work.
Make it out your own tact wrong. Oh yeah, oh look daddy,
Uh you know I may seem confusedinternally, but inside my brain is going
(04:45):
clickety clack, clickety clack like abroiler factory. Yetty, I'll have you
know that when I was at thePS four. At PS four, I
was the mathematical genius of the school. Well you stay it plays long enough,
you're bound to get to the top. Right. You should have seen
me in them days that e meknowledge of mathematics was positively gruesome. Yeah,
(05:10):
master them all arithmetic, geometry,eden Quayne geometry, fancy geometry,
uh tragonmometry, calcium and al albersquare rope and the cure roope and the
(05:32):
round rope, and the entire multiplicationtable up to and including nine times nine,
up to and including nine times nine. How much is nine times nine?
Now? Today? Take it?I guess it was just up to
not including. Well, look,let us get back to this blank go
(05:57):
o, So what are you doingme? Income tax? Fn again?
Did you do yours? Happens tobet you? Thank goodness? Mine is
all completely, Oh, it iscompletely. I won't hold it out for
you, no, Boddy. Iwent down to the post office on why
I didn't line it finally decided thePhiladelphia Makes show. Well, how much
(06:20):
was your text to chick one hundreddollars, Fnagan, How could you figure
it to come out six hundred dollars? Well, I d I hate the
admit, but I cheated. Youcheated, Hell, I copied from the
guy in front of me. Butthen again, six hundred dollars. That's
(06:51):
crazy. You take the government,you pay me more, and if the
government don't pay you, you paythe government. Do you the Why is
it so popular? What do youmean? So you should have seen that
light at the post office? Look, Bennigan, you got to fill out
a return. Tell you what,I'll help you. We'll do it together.
After all, you know, onehead is better than none, and
(07:16):
I demand a recount. Now,look ben again, when was your income
last year? Nothing? Nothing?Huh? Any dependence? Yeah? Me,
father, he gives me a dollara week, spending money dollar a
week from your plan. I wonderhow we could change that off? Too
bad? You fly there, ain'tdead. We could call it an inheritance.
(07:43):
Well that's the break shot all.Let's see now, how about medicinal
expenses? None of those? Uh? That the first? So yeah,
yeah, yeah, I got myfather teeth for Christmas? Oh you got
them teeth? How much did youpay for the teeth? Nothing. I
(08:05):
found them. Look home, Ican do that with a with a front
teeth. Yeah, and you can'tdeduct them, you know? Why do
it look horrible? Well? Howmuch could I deduct? Well, let's
see now your income is zero,the deductions is zero. Tax to be
(08:30):
paid zero? You mean I makesuch I gotta pay erro Yeah, I
took crime march, making a guyby one hundred percent of a gen Come
put you in the upper brackets.Excuse me? Hello, hello, Duffy,
she's still slugging you with a fryingpan. Oh now it's with the
lamp. Eh What happened to thefrying pan? They don't make them like
(08:54):
they used to. Huh, Look, Duffy, why don't you buy it
a mink coat? You can't affordit because you got to pay your income
tax? Look what a fat lifelike that? You could put a picture
on a blanket? Claimer is fordependency. You absolutely refuse to buy it.
Did she hear it? Hello?Hello, oh goodbye missus Duffy.
(09:20):
She must have left them have itagain? Say what's going on over Duffy's
archie. Well, Duffy is extremelyill, a pounding sensation in his head.
Oh, it probably comes from acold. Isn't it awful what a
little cold germ can do? Alittle germ that's doing at the Duffy weighs
three hundred and fifty pounds. Oh, with those little cold germs can cause
(09:41):
plenty of misery too, Archie.That's why it's so good to know about
the famous minute rub way to helpget fast relief from cold distressed. If
you're bothered by cold symptoms, yournose is stopped up and there's an aching
feeling in your muscles, simply massageminute rub briskly on your back and chest.
That's all you do, yes andso. In fact, even before
you finish, you feel a pleasantsensation of warmth as minute rub gets to
(10:05):
work to soothe the discomfort and tightnesscaused by your cold. At the same
time, minute rub's active menthol vaporshelp relieve that stuffed up feeling in your
nose and throat. Minute rub isgreaseless, minute rub is stainless. This
appears like vanishing cream as you rubit on. Get after those cold symptoms
with this famous modern chest drub thathelps bring such fast relief that takes only
(10:26):
a minute to use. Minute rubm I n t r U B minute
rub Hello, Oh Duffy, whatshe left you? Oh? Where did
she go? We wanted to notsay, have gone home to my mother?
(10:50):
Goodbye forever. You take care ofCheap's game, shine your loving wine.
Not oh Duffy, don't dot andtough Duffy, don't come on,
jennif old man Duffy, please Finnycome here, talk to him, cheer
him up. Missus Duffy has lefthim and the guy's really misering. Oh
(11:11):
certainly, Hello, mister Duffy.This has been a banuda. I'm sorry
to hear about it. What No, I'm busy tonight, you old goats.
That Duffy go ahead and sing benetthat guy with the memory of a
frying pan still warm on his brain, trying to make I hate you see
(11:37):
evening sun go down. I hateyou see the evening sun go down,
Cause my baby he's left us.How say Louis woman with her diamond rain
(12:09):
full, that man around by herapron string work for powder and the store
or hair for the man I love, would not have gone nowhere, no
(12:33):
where, got the same Louis blues, just as blue as I can be.
That man's got a hard like arock cast in the sea. Elsey
wouldn't have gone so far from me. All got the blue, got the
(12:58):
blue, but the mean saying tothe red blues that man got a hard
like a rock cast in the sea, or else he wouldn't have gone so
far from me. For a redheaded woman, make the good man leave
(13:20):
this house, I said, Ared headed woman, make a good man
leave this cow. But a blastheaded woman make the fellow slappers cuppy dog
(13:41):
bo. I love that man likea schoolboy, love his fad like a
Kentucky colonel, love his rock androll, And I love that man.
I love been pilled the day.I don't How are you doing with the
(14:20):
income tax? Oh? Yeah,I gotta get back to that. Now
let's see. Now, uh,let's look at a blank now here.
I put down the tax that Iknow that I gotta pay. See,
that's the short tax. Wait aminute, now, you say that that's
the shore attack. Yeah, sure, taxes? Do you are the a
(14:43):
X oh? I see? Andthen to that you add the shore up
plus the one the shore up plus? Are you kidding? The word of
surplus? Anyways, you went thesurplus to the shoe A tax me I
use your telephone. Oh, justthe guy to help me with a taxes
(15:03):
kitel, stop, nagel. Thephone is a phone, kindel, thank
you. I'm in an awful rush. Uh huh, Hello, Information,
I'd like the phone number of Duffy'staverns. But konel, this is Duffy's
tavern. Oh really, what's thephone number? Fortune two nine nine seven.
(15:24):
Oh, thank you, Hello Information. That number is Orchard two nine
nine seven. Oh you're welcome intheir future. Police, look it up
in your own directory. This guy'sa mimiac. Well, well so this
is uh, what's the name ofthis place again, Zimmerman's Little Hunger Kanel.
(15:48):
Ain't you a little bit punchy?Well yes, I think so too,
but most people agree with me.Huh and not only that, I'm
also absent minded. Oh your optional, how did you get that one?
Well, you see, as achild, I was very cruel to animals,
and one day I deliberately kicked ahorse in the foot with my head.
Well, well, so this isDuffy's tavern. Yeah, yeah,
(16:11):
this is Duffy's tavern. And howis mister Duffy? Okay, and mister
tavern. There is no mister tavern. Oh, I'm sorry. Well,
we've all got to go sometimes.But mister Duffy is carrying on. Oh
he serainly is carrying on his Hiswife just left him. Oh really,
(16:36):
I hope they'll be very happy together. Incidentally, Archie, speaking of marriage,
I have a new invention for newlyweds, no invention for nollyweds. What
is it? It's an overhead threshold, so that if you marry a heavy
woman you can carry her under it. Oh what do you think of it?
Well, I don't know. Tome, it sounds crazy, but
but I think it is Archie.I'm glad to see that you have visions
(17:00):
the Kindles stop, Naker, Ibelieve. Oh, kindel Man just stepped
out of the audience. Head CliftonFinnegan, Were you ever awake by James
Joyce? No, no, Ihave in a log clog, Uh,
Kindel, you confuse the guy.The correct grammar is Finnigan's woke say it's
(17:25):
a verb, not a tense.Depending on me, I say that you
are a very intelligent looking man,So diges kle Yet I'm sure that if
you had a forehead it would bea very high one. Oh no,
kind I would rather have a headlike yours coming up to a point.
(17:48):
Yours comes to a point too,Yeah, but yours comes to a higher
point. No, yours comes toa higher point. What is this way,
as staple? Look, Colonel,I got my income taxon throw out
the income tax. Well that's rightdown, my uppy, archie. Would
(18:11):
you like to reduce your taxes?Reduce me taxes? Certainly? Then here,
take a look at my latest invention. Your invention, what what do
you call it? The tax youwill q reducer Nagel, the greatest little
machine I ever invented? Cut yourtaxes eighty percent? M looks chinel Uh
not that I doubt you're insanity.But how can a little machine like that
(18:32):
reduce your taxes? You doubt me? Let me read you some testimonials.
Listen to this, mister Henry Morganthaw Dear sir, Since the invention of
the reducer Nagel, many people havereduced their taxes by eighty percent, Signed
Colonel stoop Naggles. Let me seethat. Hey, you're right, it's
addressed. I'm Morgan's all right,yes, Archie. And not only that,
(18:52):
the reducer Nagle carries a written guaranteewritten guarantee. Yeh here it is
I, Colonel stoop Nagles, hereif I guarantee that if my invention does
not reduce your income tax by eightypercent, signed Colonel stoop Nagger. Guy
couldn't ask, but I'm what thatcuddy should. Hello, Hello, Duffy,
(19:15):
she didn't come back. Huh you'llwant some? Oh sure, dame
that weighs three hundred and fifty poundsmust fight a gap on a guy's life.
They went him in a Duffy.I got an idea, Colonel stop
Naggo invented a machine that'llknock eighty percentoff your taxes. Huh, Well,
so one all great inventors is nuts, say Robert Fulton. Yeah they call
(19:37):
him bugs. Another guy that inventedgravity, Yeah, they called him FIG's
Newton should and look Duffy. Withthe eighty percent that this machine saves you,
you can go out and buy missaysDuffy a mink coat and anything else.
A big fat heart desire it.You'll go right out to I J.
(20:02):
Fox had a boy, Duffy,leave your income tax to me,
and it kind of will rate thosein Okay, Colonel Womeuola up the reducing
egg We're gonna do Duffy's tax Ohsay Archie. Oh, Colonel Stuffane,
this is Danny Seymour, our announcer. Oh really, I wasn't invented an
announcer, but it didn't look anythinglike you. Uh did it work,
colonel, Yes, except for onething. I couldn't invent anything from my
(20:25):
announcer to say. Oh well,colonel. The most helpful statements aren't invented
anywhere. They're facts. Oh sure, I what Danny here has to say?
Yes, a fact like this?For instance, ladies and gentlemen.
According to a nationwide survey of thousandsof people, the two things most wanted
in a laxative are first speed andsecond gentlemans. Well, those are two
of the very things that have madesal hoopadoka famous. Remember that when you
(20:47):
wake up feeling dull and headache becauseyou need a laxative and take that famous
saline sal hopadka right away, Well, then you can depend on speedy salapadica
to bring exceptionally gentle reliefs, andusually within an hour. So you can
see, with sal hopatica it's notnecessary to wait till night to take the
laxative needed In the morning. Andconsequently not necessary to risk feeling miserable all
(21:07):
day, and sal hopatica has thisadditional advantage. Sparkling salhapatica also helps sweeten
an upset stomach by helping to reduceexcess gastric acidity. So before another day
goes by, ask your druggist fora bottle of sal hupatica, remembering this
caution, use only as directed.Then, anytime you need a laxative morning,
noon, or night, see howmuch faster you feel better when you
(21:30):
take gentle speedy sal hepatica. Okay, down, Now you gotta save duff
(22:48):
enough tyxes to blind missus. Wyou make coke? Now, we got
to get it down from two hundredbucks to about fifty. All right,
actie, let's get to work.What's the weekly income of this joint?
The weeklyan? Come? You meana good week or a bad week?
An average week? That's a badweek. Oh, I'd say about thirty
dollars. Okay, we'll put iton the machine. About thirty dollars.
(23:12):
That's a b O U T thirty. I don't know. If I didn't
see it with me own eyes,I wouldn't believe it. Wait a minute,
here's some more figures. I don'tput them on a machine. While
I answered the phone. Huh okay, hello, uh hello Duffy. Huh
(23:33):
you want you bought the mink?Huh what kind cheap mink? I never
heard of it? Honey spell itsee hip Duffy, that's chipmunk. Well,
uh, well she probably liked thechipmunk duffy. Yeah, yeah,
(23:53):
that's right. She ain't got notaste. And what oh a machine?
It's good's going great? Yeah,doing a great job. I'll put it
fine. Uh what happened Kennel tillbut it'll be all right. We'll just
(24:17):
see that the tax ain't no morethan fifty bucks. Now what are we
doing? Now? Well, I'veentered all the figures. Now I set
the automatic adjustments. I checked thebarometric pressure, and we're all set to
go. Take it away reduced.There you'll find your tax total on this
(24:40):
little white card, this little conhuh, yes, read it. You
will have a pleasant disposition and makefriends easily. That's a little extra service.
Your tax is on the back.On the back, on the back,
the total total income tax two thousanddollars. Kinel who invented this machine?
(25:00):
You are Morgenthorp. You really,I am embarrassed since the first time
this has ever happened. You're surepositive it's the first time I ever used
the machines. Let me try itagain. We are Let's look at a
card. Now you are a personwho loves to travel. Read the other
(25:23):
side. Take the two thousand dollarsand we'll send you to Alcatraze to stuffy.
Can't afford to pay two thousand dollars, Archie, you've given me an
idea. I hereby renounce the reducerNagel. I hear by a Christmas machine,
the taxi will queue increase or nagelincreasing nagle. Yet it's to help
(25:48):
poor people to get into the higherincome taxt fracket. But kinel place Duffy
was buying a make kind of strengthat one hundred and fifty dollars where he
was gonna save him on the reducingnagel. What oh, hello, well,
Duffy, did you buy a coat? It did? Huh? Did
she come back? Yeah, andshe liked the coat and you're both very
(26:11):
happy. Huh. You don't knowhow to thank me? Well, Duffy,
if I was to tell you now, I can't spoil it, Duffy.
I hope you and missus Duffy willcontinue to be happy for many,
many years. Yeah, okay,I couldn't tell it to the guy.
It's too happy. You know.I'll pay it one hundred and fifty out
of me your pocket. Huh.Well, it's time to leave Duffe's Tavern
(26:44):
for the evening. But let's allmeet here again next week, when our
guests will be Gertrude Lawrence. Andin the meantime, if you have a
cold, remember minute rough if youneed a laxative, remember style hepatika.
If you have a half hour nextTuesday evening at the same time, remember
up He's tavern when you late,Maki, don't you to man just speaking
Duffy and hold up Duffy. Yeah, that's right. Next week, God
(27:06):
God Lawrence. Uh yeah, seeEnglish actor. Yeah yeah, I'm gonna
uh, I'm gonna get all dressedup Duffy and on a top hat and
white tie and a manacle, amanacle pair of one eyed glasses. Yeah,
like them seeing eye englishman with Well, good night, Duffy, see
(27:27):
you next week. Mothers, whylet your boy or girl suffer from neglected
(27:57):
cold symptoms? Getta to your child'scold distress quickly and easily with minute rub
Modern chest rub. All you dois massage minute rub on your youngster's back
and chest for rubbing on. Minuterub promptly helps soothe cold discomfort, and
minute rub's menthol vapors help relieve congestionand nose and throats. Minute rub is
(28:17):
breaseless and it's steamless too, won'tharm clothes or linen. So get after
your child's cold distress with his famousmodern chest rub minute rub m I n
I t r u V minute rub. This is the Blue Network you are
(28:45):
listening to. K E. CA. Los Angele
In cooperation with the Armed Forces RadioService. The following broadcast is one of
the radio programs elected to be shortwavedto our Armed Forces overseas. Bristol Myers,
the makers of Salhapaboc, a famouslaxative and minute rub modern chest rub.
Bring you Duffy's tavern. Hellow Duffy'sDarvin when you late may date at
(00:37):
you I manages making Duffy ain't here, Hello Duffy tonight, Colonel stop nagel
Oh. I wouldn't say that Duffyand he's lost weight. I would describe
more as a big thin slat crazy. I ain't really crazy. I describe
(00:59):
more as a wealthy eccentric with nodough. Yeah. His inventions, well,
Duffy, he's invented some very goodones. Well. Let bathroom door
that you don't have to wait outsidehim, Yeah, because it opens into
a closet. Yeah. Them rounddice. He has round dice, you
(01:21):
know, for people who would ratherplay marbles another. Hey, Duffy wants
that noise. Missus Duffy slugging youwith a frying pin because you won't buy
her a mink coat. Duffy,you better leave us slug you a mink
could probably set you back about onehundred and fifty bucks. Oh, certainly
even more expensive than rabbit. Wellthat's like on account there's more rabbits than
(01:47):
minks. Why is that, Well, maybe it's because the rabbit is a
friendlier animal. Oh look, Duffy, I'm busy. Fight it out yourself.
I gotta go figure me in contact. I'll punch your fat. Ladies
(02:14):
and gentlemen. Welcome to Duffi's tavern. Come in and finn again. Eddie
the waiter, Benevenuta, Peter vanStephen and his orchestra, our special guest
tonight trying to Lemuel Q stoop Nageland Archie himself Edgard brought to you by
two products. It will pay youto remember minute Rob when you have a
cold, sal Hopatka when you needa lexid in minute Rob sal Hapadoka.
(02:40):
Now let's see, I gotta figurethese taxes. Now, me only salary.
That's anthies. That's fifteen dollars aweek, and there's forty eight weeks
in a year. And it's fiftytwo weeks in a year. You're thinking
of states fifty two weeks. There'stwelve months in a year, right,
(03:04):
and there's four weeks and a month. Right, Well, you multiply four
by twelve when you get you're right, it is fifty two. Holy has
fifty two weeks except lit year ofcourse, then at fifty three weeks.
Oh naturally. Now let's see uhfifteen fifteen your times at by fifty two.
(03:29):
That's six stray. Oh, shoveover the ziper. That's uh,
that makes the five docierary. Butlet me look at that tax plank.
Amen. Let's see here. Itsays see footnote one foot not one,
see schedule B. Schedule B.See what note two foot not two?
(03:54):
See foot note one foot not one. If you claim a credit in line
fifteen, disregard line nineteen a completeSchedule L one, page four instructions,
and at the computation in line nineteenC. I'll ignore. That must be
(04:23):
a typogathical error. Now a financeschedule one to the fifteen. By the
way, do you want me tohelp you with your taxes? No?
Thanks, No, I don't allbother you. You got enough work.
Make it out your own tact wrong. Oh yeah, oh look daddy,
Uh you know I may seem confusedinternally, but inside my brain is going
(04:45):
clickety clack, clickety clack like abroiler factory. Yetty, I'll have you
know that when I was at thePS four. At PS four, I
was the mathematical genius of the school. Well you stay it plays long enough,
you're bound to get to the top. Right. You should have seen
me in them days that e meknowledge of mathematics was positively gruesome. Yeah,
(05:10):
master them all arithmetic, geometry,eden Quayne geometry, fancy geometry,
uh tragonmometry, calcium and al albersquare rope and the cure roope and the
(05:32):
round rope, and the entire multiplicationtable up to and including nine times nine,
up to and including nine times nine. How much is nine times nine?
Now? Today? Take it?I guess it was just up to
not including. Well, look,let us get back to this blank go
(05:57):
o, So what are you doingme? Income tax? Fn again?
Did you do yours? Happens tobet you? Thank goodness? Mine is
all completely, Oh, it iscompletely. I won't hold it out for
you, no, Boddy. Iwent down to the post office on why
I didn't line it finally decided thePhiladelphia Makes show. Well, how much
(06:20):
was your text to chick one hundreddollars, Fnagan, How could you figure
it to come out six hundred dollars? Well, I d I hate the
admit, but I cheated. Youcheated, Hell, I copied from the
guy in front of me. Butthen again, six hundred dollars. That's
(06:51):
crazy. You take the government,you pay me more, and if the
government don't pay you, you paythe government. Do you the Why is
it so popular? What do youmean? So you should have seen that
light at the post office? Look, Bennigan, you got to fill out
a return. Tell you what,I'll help you. We'll do it together.
After all, you know, onehead is better than none, and
(07:16):
I demand a recount. Now,look ben again, when was your income
last year? Nothing? Nothing?Huh? Any dependence? Yeah? Me,
father, he gives me a dollara week, spending money dollar a
week from your plan. I wonderhow we could change that off? Too
bad? You fly there, ain'tdead. We could call it an inheritance.
(07:43):
Well that's the break shot all.Let's see now, how about medicinal
expenses? None of those? Uh? That the first? So yeah,
yeah, yeah, I got myfather teeth for Christmas? Oh you got
them teeth? How much did youpay for the teeth? Nothing. I
(08:05):
found them. Look home, Ican do that with a with a front
teeth. Yeah, and you can'tdeduct them, you know? Why do
it look horrible? Well? Howmuch could I deduct? Well, let's
see now your income is zero,the deductions is zero. Tax to be
(08:30):
paid zero? You mean I makesuch I gotta pay erro Yeah, I
took crime march, making a guyby one hundred percent of a gen Come
put you in the upper brackets.Excuse me? Hello, hello, Duffy,
she's still slugging you with a fryingpan. Oh now it's with the
lamp. Eh What happened to thefrying pan? They don't make them like
(08:54):
they used to. Huh, Look, Duffy, why don't you buy it
a mink coat? You can't affordit because you got to pay your income
tax? Look what a fat lifelike that? You could put a picture
on a blanket? Claimer is fordependency. You absolutely refuse to buy it.
Did she hear it? Hello?Hello, oh goodbye missus Duffy.
(09:20):
She must have left them have itagain? Say what's going on over Duffy's
archie. Well, Duffy is extremelyill, a pounding sensation in his head.
Oh, it probably comes from acold. Isn't it awful what a
little cold germ can do? Alittle germ that's doing at the Duffy weighs
three hundred and fifty pounds. Oh, with those little cold germs can cause
(09:41):
plenty of misery too, Archie.That's why it's so good to know about
the famous minute rub way to helpget fast relief from cold distressed. If
you're bothered by cold symptoms, yournose is stopped up and there's an aching
feeling in your muscles, simply massageminute rub briskly on your back and chest.
That's all you do, yes andso. In fact, even before
you finish, you feel a pleasantsensation of warmth as minute rub gets to
(10:05):
work to soothe the discomfort and tightnesscaused by your cold. At the same
time, minute rub's active menthol vaporshelp relieve that stuffed up feeling in your
nose and throat. Minute rub isgreaseless, minute rub is stainless. This
appears like vanishing cream as you rubit on. Get after those cold symptoms
with this famous modern chest drub thathelps bring such fast relief that takes only
(10:26):
a minute to use. Minute rubm I n t r U B minute
rub Hello, Oh Duffy, whatshe left you? Oh? Where did
she go? We wanted to notsay, have gone home to my mother?
(10:50):
Goodbye forever. You take care ofCheap's game, shine your loving wine.
Not oh Duffy, don't dot andtough Duffy, don't come on,
jennif old man Duffy, please Finnycome here, talk to him, cheer
him up. Missus Duffy has lefthim and the guy's really misering. Oh
(11:11):
certainly, Hello, mister Duffy.This has been a banuda. I'm sorry
to hear about it. What No, I'm busy tonight, you old goats.
That Duffy go ahead and sing benetthat guy with the memory of a
frying pan still warm on his brain, trying to make I hate you see
(11:37):
evening sun go down. I hateyou see the evening sun go down,
Cause my baby he's left us.How say Louis woman with her diamond rain
(12:09):
full, that man around by herapron string work for powder and the store
or hair for the man I love, would not have gone nowhere, no
(12:33):
where, got the same Louis blues, just as blue as I can be.
That man's got a hard like arock cast in the sea. Elsey
wouldn't have gone so far from me. All got the blue, got the
(12:58):
blue, but the mean saying tothe red blues that man got a hard
like a rock cast in the sea, or else he wouldn't have gone so
far from me. For a redheaded woman, make the good man leave
(13:20):
this house, I said, Ared headed woman, make a good man
leave this cow. But a blastheaded woman make the fellow slappers cuppy dog
(13:41):
bo. I love that man likea schoolboy, love his fad like a
Kentucky colonel, love his rock androll, And I love that man.
I love been pilled the day.I don't How are you doing with the
(14:20):
income tax? Oh? Yeah,I gotta get back to that. Now
let's see. Now, uh,let's look at a blank now here.
I put down the tax that Iknow that I gotta pay. See,
that's the short tax. Wait aminute, now, you say that that's
the shore attack. Yeah, sure, taxes? Do you are the a
(14:43):
X oh? I see? Andthen to that you add the shore up
plus the one the shore up plus? Are you kidding? The word of
surplus? Anyways, you went thesurplus to the shoe A tax me I
use your telephone. Oh, justthe guy to help me with a taxes
(15:03):
kitel, stop, nagel. Thephone is a phone, kindel, thank
you. I'm in an awful rush. Uh huh, Hello, Information,
I'd like the phone number of Duffy'staverns. But konel, this is Duffy's
tavern. Oh really, what's thephone number? Fortune two nine nine seven.
(15:24):
Oh, thank you, Hello Information. That number is Orchard two nine
nine seven. Oh you're welcome intheir future. Police, look it up
in your own directory. This guy'sa mimiac. Well, well so this
is uh, what's the name ofthis place again, Zimmerman's Little Hunger Kanel.
(15:48):
Ain't you a little bit punchy?Well yes, I think so too,
but most people agree with me.Huh and not only that, I'm
also absent minded. Oh your optional, how did you get that one?
Well, you see, as achild, I was very cruel to animals,
and one day I deliberately kicked ahorse in the foot with my head.
Well, well, so this isDuffy's tavern. Yeah, yeah,
(16:11):
this is Duffy's tavern. And howis mister Duffy? Okay, and mister
tavern. There is no mister tavern. Oh, I'm sorry. Well,
we've all got to go sometimes.But mister Duffy is carrying on. Oh
he serainly is carrying on his Hiswife just left him. Oh really,
(16:36):
I hope they'll be very happy together. Incidentally, Archie, speaking of marriage,
I have a new invention for newlyweds, no invention for nollyweds. What
is it? It's an overhead threshold, so that if you marry a heavy
woman you can carry her under it. Oh what do you think of it?
Well, I don't know. Tome, it sounds crazy, but
but I think it is Archie.I'm glad to see that you have visions
(17:00):
the Kindles stop, Naker, Ibelieve. Oh, kindel Man just stepped
out of the audience. Head CliftonFinnegan, Were you ever awake by James
Joyce? No, no, Ihave in a log clog, Uh,
Kindel, you confuse the guy.The correct grammar is Finnigan's woke say it's
(17:25):
a verb, not a tense.Depending on me, I say that you
are a very intelligent looking man,So diges kle Yet I'm sure that if
you had a forehead it would bea very high one. Oh no,
kind I would rather have a headlike yours coming up to a point.
(17:48):
Yours comes to a point too,Yeah, but yours comes to a higher
point. No, yours comes toa higher point. What is this way,
as staple? Look, Colonel,I got my income taxon throw out
the income tax. Well that's rightdown, my uppy, archie. Would
(18:11):
you like to reduce your taxes?Reduce me taxes? Certainly? Then here,
take a look at my latest invention. Your invention, what what do
you call it? The tax youwill q reducer Nagel, the greatest little
machine I ever invented? Cut yourtaxes eighty percent? M looks chinel Uh
not that I doubt you're insanity.But how can a little machine like that
(18:32):
reduce your taxes? You doubt me? Let me read you some testimonials.
Listen to this, mister Henry Morganthaw Dear sir, Since the invention of
the reducer Nagel, many people havereduced their taxes by eighty percent, Signed
Colonel stoop Naggles. Let me seethat. Hey, you're right, it's
addressed. I'm Morgan's all right,yes, Archie. And not only that,
(18:52):
the reducer Nagle carries a written guaranteewritten guarantee. Yeh here it is
I, Colonel stoop Nagles, hereif I guarantee that if my invention does
not reduce your income tax by eightypercent, signed Colonel stoop Nagger. Guy
couldn't ask, but I'm what thatcuddy should. Hello, Hello, Duffy,
(19:15):
she didn't come back. Huh you'llwant some? Oh sure, dame
that weighs three hundred and fifty poundsmust fight a gap on a guy's life.
They went him in a Duffy.I got an idea, Colonel stop
Naggo invented a machine that'llknock eighty percentoff your taxes. Huh, Well,
so one all great inventors is nuts, say Robert Fulton. Yeah they call
(19:37):
him bugs. Another guy that inventedgravity, Yeah, they called him FIG's
Newton should and look Duffy. Withthe eighty percent that this machine saves you,
you can go out and buy missaysDuffy a mink coat and anything else.
A big fat heart desire it.You'll go right out to I J.
(20:02):
Fox had a boy, Duffy,leave your income tax to me,
and it kind of will rate thosein Okay, Colonel Womeuola up the reducing
egg We're gonna do Duffy's tax Ohsay Archie. Oh, Colonel Stuffane,
this is Danny Seymour, our announcer. Oh really, I wasn't invented an
announcer, but it didn't look anythinglike you. Uh did it work,
colonel, Yes, except for onething. I couldn't invent anything from my
(20:25):
announcer to say. Oh well,colonel. The most helpful statements aren't invented
anywhere. They're facts. Oh sure, I what Danny here has to say?
Yes, a fact like this?For instance, ladies and gentlemen.
According to a nationwide survey of thousandsof people, the two things most wanted
in a laxative are first speed andsecond gentlemans. Well, those are two
of the very things that have madesal hoopadoka famous. Remember that when you
(20:47):
wake up feeling dull and headache becauseyou need a laxative and take that famous
saline sal hopadka right away, Well, then you can depend on speedy salapadica
to bring exceptionally gentle reliefs, andusually within an hour. So you can
see, with sal hopatica it's notnecessary to wait till night to take the
laxative needed In the morning. Andconsequently not necessary to risk feeling miserable all
(21:07):
day, and sal hopatica has thisadditional advantage. Sparkling salhapatica also helps sweeten
an upset stomach by helping to reduceexcess gastric acidity. So before another day
goes by, ask your druggist fora bottle of sal hupatica, remembering this
caution, use only as directed.Then, anytime you need a laxative morning,
noon, or night, see howmuch faster you feel better when you
(21:30):
take gentle speedy sal hepatica. Okay, down, Now you gotta save duff
(22:48):
enough tyxes to blind missus. Wyou make coke? Now, we got
to get it down from two hundredbucks to about fifty. All right,
actie, let's get to work.What's the weekly income of this joint?
The weeklyan? Come? You meana good week or a bad week?
An average week? That's a badweek. Oh, I'd say about thirty
dollars. Okay, we'll put iton the machine. About thirty dollars.
(23:12):
That's a b O U T thirty. I don't know. If I didn't
see it with me own eyes,I wouldn't believe it. Wait a minute,
here's some more figures. I don'tput them on a machine. While
I answered the phone. Huh okay, hello, uh hello Duffy. Huh
(23:33):
you want you bought the mink?Huh what kind cheap mink? I never
heard of it? Honey spell itsee hip Duffy, that's chipmunk. Well,
uh, well she probably liked thechipmunk duffy. Yeah, yeah,
(23:53):
that's right. She ain't got notaste. And what oh a machine?
It's good's going great? Yeah,doing a great job. I'll put it
fine. Uh what happened Kennel tillbut it'll be all right. We'll just
(24:17):
see that the tax ain't no morethan fifty bucks. Now what are we
doing? Now? Well, I'veentered all the figures. Now I set
the automatic adjustments. I checked thebarometric pressure, and we're all set to
go. Take it away reduced.There you'll find your tax total on this
(24:40):
little white card, this little conhuh, yes, read it. You
will have a pleasant disposition and makefriends easily. That's a little extra service.
Your tax is on the back.On the back, on the back,
the total total income tax two thousanddollars. Kinel who invented this machine?
(25:00):
You are Morgenthorp. You really,I am embarrassed since the first time
this has ever happened. You're surepositive it's the first time I ever used
the machines. Let me try itagain. We are Let's look at a
card. Now you are a personwho loves to travel. Read the other
(25:23):
side. Take the two thousand dollarsand we'll send you to Alcatraze to stuffy.
Can't afford to pay two thousand dollars, Archie, you've given me an
idea. I hereby renounce the reducerNagel. I hear by a Christmas machine,
the taxi will queue increase or nagelincreasing nagle. Yet it's to help
(25:48):
poor people to get into the higherincome taxt fracket. But kinel place Duffy
was buying a make kind of strengthat one hundred and fifty dollars where he
was gonna save him on the reducingnagel. What oh, hello, well,
Duffy, did you buy a coat? It did? Huh? Did
she come back? Yeah, andshe liked the coat and you're both very
(26:11):
happy. Huh. You don't knowhow to thank me? Well, Duffy,
if I was to tell you now, I can't spoil it, Duffy.
I hope you and missus Duffy willcontinue to be happy for many,
many years. Yeah, okay,I couldn't tell it to the guy.
It's too happy. You know.I'll pay it one hundred and fifty out
of me your pocket. Huh.Well, it's time to leave Duffe's Tavern
(26:44):
for the evening. But let's allmeet here again next week, when our
guests will be Gertrude Lawrence. Andin the meantime, if you have a
cold, remember minute rough if youneed a laxative, remember style hepatika.
If you have a half hour nextTuesday evening at the same time, remember
up He's tavern when you late,Maki, don't you to man just speaking
Duffy and hold up Duffy. Yeah, that's right. Next week, God
(27:06):
God Lawrence. Uh yeah, seeEnglish actor. Yeah yeah, I'm gonna
uh, I'm gonna get all dressedup Duffy and on a top hat and
white tie and a manacle, amanacle pair of one eyed glasses. Yeah,
like them seeing eye englishman with Well, good night, Duffy, see
(27:27):
you next week. Mothers, whylet your boy or girl suffer from neglected
(27:57):
cold symptoms? Getta to your child'scold distress quickly and easily with minute rub
Modern chest rub. All you dois massage minute rub on your youngster's back
and chest for rubbing on. Minuterub promptly helps soothe cold discomfort, and
minute rub's menthol vapors help relieve congestionand nose and throats. Minute rub is
(28:17):
breaseless and it's steamless too, won'tharm clothes or linen. So get after
your child's cold distress with his famousmodern chest rub minute rub m I n
I t r u V minute rub. This is the Blue Network you are
(28:45):
listening to. K E. CA. Los Angele
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