November 16, 2023 • 30 mins
The titular setting for the show was "a seedy bar and grille on New York's Third Avenue". The cast had Ed Gardner as Archie, Alan Reed as Finnegan, Pattee Chapman as Miss Duffy, Jimmy Conlin as Charlie, Veda Ann Borg as Peaches La Tour, and Herb Vigran as Second Story Jackson.
The radio version of Duffy's Tavern ended in 1952. When the TV version began two years later, Gardner's involvement was limited to acting. He said, "In radio, I was the producer and the director and half the time the writer and also Archie." The TV version had Hal Roach Jr. as producer and Harve Foster as director.[6]This program was the second effort to have a TV version of Duffy's Tavern. An earlier, hour-long version was filmed for showing as part of the All Star Revue series. It was never broadcast because the Revue was sponsored by a milk company, and the barroom setting conflicted with the company's image.
The radio version of Duffy's Tavern ended in 1952. When the TV version began two years later, Gardner's involvement was limited to acting. He said, "In radio, I was the producer and the director and half the time the writer and also Archie." The TV version had Hal Roach Jr. as producer and Harve Foster as director.[6]This program was the second effort to have a TV version of Duffy's Tavern. An earlier, hour-long version was filmed for showing as part of the All Star Revue series. It was never broadcast because the Revue was sponsored by a milk company, and the barroom setting conflicted with the company's image.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I'd like a private word with pipesmokers. Listen, remember this name,
Revelation. It's a pipe mixture,a true blend of five great tobaccos,
got five different ways to get fromeach tobacco its richest taste and flavor.
So don't throw away your pipe ifit gets hot and sour. If you're
smoking the wrong tobacco for cool,sweet, marvelous smoking pleasure, just try
(00:23):
Revelation. Only fifteen cents. Johnnypresents the Jenny Simms Program, But the
bombarders Edgar Fairchild and his orchestra andthe greatest guest stars in the world.
Tonight it's Naval rotc Cadet Jim Hardy, quarterback of the Trojans who made football
(00:48):
history in the Rose Bowl on NewYear's Day. Also Private first class Richard
Lackman, one of four Duffy fanof Cyphus. Yeah, they hate each
other. Well, Alan's jealous,you see, because Benny steals all his
stuff. I sure Allan was cheaplong before Benny. He look guffy.
(01:12):
I'm just thinking that sat Patrick's dayis coming up. What about a guy
like Allen to him see the pigroast? Huh? Not enough contrast huh,
well, I don't know. Maybeif we could distinguish them whereby we
(01:34):
could get Alan to wear a bluesuit. Okay, I'll talk to him
about it. Along Duffy Ladies andgentlemen. Welcome the Duffies come in and
meets Finnegan, Eddie the waiter,Miss Duffy, Ben Abnuda, Peter van
Steeden and his orchestra, Our specialguests Tonight, Brett Allen and Archie himself
(01:59):
Edgard Brought to you by two productsthat will pay you to remember minute Rob
when you have a cold Val Hopatagowhen you need a laxity minute Rob Val
Eddie, Yes, Edie, youwant to hear a real funny joke?
(02:21):
No, an absent minded professor slammedhis wife and kissed the door goodbye.
Okay, I'd like to hear ajoke. Look, Addie, I'm reheissen
to be one of them. Whatdo you call them? Guys that tells
jokes like the one I just toldhim? A ghool? Oh? No,
(02:43):
I got I'm a monogamous. I'mlearning these gigs. Someone Fred Allen
gets here, we can vanish afew app limbs at each other. You
gotta be pitching or kitchen, Eddie, you never hearde me had a party,
honest the goodness. Every place Igo the people say that you want
to Convultion. Yeah, wait tome and Allen gets together, it'll be
(03:07):
a real battle wits the trouble wherethis battle is. You've got you out
numbered. Listen, Eddie, Igot just as many intelligence as he has,
especially with somebody helping me. Huh. Well, for instance, say
me and Alan are standing here,you know, throwing what he says hems
at each other. Now, somebodymight ask me, why is the chicken
(03:30):
across the street? Who might askyou? You might? Why might I?
Because you might want Sunday off?Yeah? I might let that.
Now why does a chicken cross thestreet because there's a roost on the other
side? Eddie. You asked thequestions. I give the answers. That
(03:53):
is, if you want Sunday's orf, what happens? If I don't ask
you the question, then you'll getIt's Sunday Monday and always well sick hands
a straight man. Okay, tryif Finn again, he just Fred Allen
here to I'm dying to see him. And do you know I'm Finnigan?
(04:19):
No, do you listen to hisprogram? No, then why are you
so anxious to meet him? I'dalways like to make new friends. Well,
Finnagan, why don't you listen tohim? Sometimes it might be I
will well is he he's on Sundaynight? Oh? Oh, I can't
gode Sunday night. My father listensto the Texico show Innigan. That is
(04:45):
the show that Fred Allen is on. Go. It's just that. DG
hoped that me and my father bothlistened to trying the same station. Yeah,
and it would be tough. Butthen why don't Why aren't you listen
some Sunday night when you fly theain't home? I even tried that,
but I just tuned in to finishthe program. To win. The announcer
(05:08):
said, tune in the same timenext Sunday, Well to get toned in
the same time next Sunday. Yep, And once again they were just funny.
Why what does this Fred Allen do? Oh he's a comedian. He
(05:31):
tells joke sir. For instance?Oh, for instance, he said,
why is a street gone like awoman? What else should you do?
Uh, Bennigan night, You're supposedto ask me to ask your what?
Why is a street conde like awoman. Benagan ask me, So why
should I ask you? You don'tknow? You just asked me. Oh,
(05:56):
I get it? Where the Finnagan? Miss Duffie. Maybe you'll do
me a favor? Huh, Icannot you. I aren't too busys you're
too busy, certainly due it isa full day of ripe already, and
I haven't got my circulars printed yet. Circulars MS stuffy? Is that in
good taste? In very good taste? They're printed in old English type.
Welling that case, maybe you'll getan old englishman boy, I'll murdered that
(06:23):
Alander believe Yeah, have you foundany suckers yet? Well, there's just
one sella Goldsworthy Hawker Road your SUNHD, thank you Gos. Where did you
meet Golds? In a restaurant?He wrote me a note on the back
of the menu. So then whatSo then I wrote him a note?
(06:43):
Do you mean you picked up aguy just like that? I did not
pick him up. I just toldyou. We corresponded, Oh, I
forgot that. Well, then whathappened? Well, he invited me for
an automobile ride in the country andhe wanted to borrow Papa's car. Oh
did you with him? Of coursenot. He was a total stanger.
Do you think got touch a totalchanger with top of cart? Well,
(07:08):
don't worry with stuffy, there's stillthree hundred and sixty one days left than
LaPier. Hey, Danny, Dannyseymoan, you are very lax or what
do you mean? Well, youknow what Harry Blanzel would have said when
I said Leapier. What only hewould have said leap is the time of
the year when people get colds.Oh that's pretty corny, isn't it,
Archie, Yeah, but Glee Sell'sthat way. How would you go about
(07:30):
it? Well, I'd point outthat even though this is a new year,
there's certainly nothing new about the coldsthat brought many of us same old
stopped up, no, same oldaching feeling in your muscles. Well,
why not get after those annoying coldsymptoms with something modering minute rub, famous
chest drub. Just massage it brisklyon your back and chest. Yes,
that's all you do, and soon, in fact, even before you finished,
(07:54):
you feel a gratifying sensation of warmthas minute rub begins to sue the
discomfort and tightness caused by your coldand meanwhile, minute rub gives off active
memfoul vapors that help relieve that stuffstuff feeling in your nose and float.
Minute rub won't harm clothes or linens. It's greaseless, stainless seems to disappear
as you rub it on. Sogot after your cold symptoms with this nationally
(08:16):
famous chest rub that takes only aminute to use that helps bring such fast
relief Minute rub M I N TR U B minute rub. And now,
folks, we present the new singingstar of Duffies, Bene Venuta,
(08:39):
who, before she sings, rubsher throat religiously with minute rub a archie,
What goes on here? Ado therapy? If the night please danny,
Ladies and gentlemen, We now havethe great honor of presenting that distinguished female
vocal Shantous, He's singing vocalist ofsuch vocal hits on good way as by
(09:00):
Jupiter, kiss the boys, goodbyeand c at set and set tonight.
She vocalizes strong, she made famous. Everything I got belongs to you,
Miss Bennet Vanuda. That wasn't thatbetter? Benet? Oh yes, that's
(09:24):
fine. Everything else satisfying for youlike the dressing room. Yes, except
that I have to get out everytime somebody wants to use the telephone.
Oh, we'll have that fixed immediately. Eddie put a knot of water sign
on Miss Vanoda's dressing room, havingBennet, I have eyes for you to
(09:50):
give you jerkey look. I haveworried that do not come from children's book.
There's the trick of the knife I'mlearning to do. And everything I've
got belongs to you. I havea powerful anesthesia in my fists, and
(10:15):
the perfect rip to give yourn jacka swift if they're a hamlock holes.
I've mastered a few, and everythingI've got belongs to you. Hair for
share, share of life. Youget struck each time I strike you for
(10:35):
me, me for me. I'llgive you plenty of nothing. I'm not
yours for better for worse, andI've learned to give the well known,
which is hurt. I have aterrible tongue, a temper for two,
(10:56):
and everything I've got belongs to you. Don't stamp your foot at me.
That's implies stamp your foot had meis not quite right. All I discover
(11:16):
me is you're not no mine.I fear my lover is a swine.
You're a living truth that treats butstill alive. You haven't brains enough for
any child of mine. But I'llnever let go. You'll never be free
(11:41):
to everything you've got belong. Everythingyou've got belong, everything you've got belongs
to me. I was really terrific. Feel a sure that's falling out of
(12:11):
your motha man, I say thatwhen television comes in, you'll be a
big start. Oh, thank you, Archie. It's a lucky thing.
Television ain't here now? Why not, miss Duffy, Look what's coming in
the door, fran Allen al AlanDuffies is indeed prideful to have its portholds
(12:35):
pre empty by such an unmitigated placethat as you have to think yourself,
doctor Fatima, And I presume youknow Fred, I'm Fred. You're surprised
to find out. I bet you'resurprised to find out. I ain't no
bum, I'm sure I'm going tobe Archie. Yeah, you're looking ahead
(12:58):
of living so well. So thisis the famous Duffies. Hey, this
is it? What do you thinkof it? Then? Well, I
have been in a lot of dumps, Archie. But frankly This joint is
to architecture what Jack Benny is tothe human race. Who is responsible for
the decors here? To take Ohocapital d Yeah, oh I am responsible,
(13:24):
so little narrow nose. I didn'tthink it smelled it. But tell
me what are you think of thedeco writing? What do you think about
wolf paper? John the wall?It looks as though the one armed paper
hanger still has the hives. Uh, mister Allen, I personally hung that
warp paper. Meself, Well,you couldn't have picked a better paper,
(13:48):
Thank you very much. Yes,sir, there's nothing like the New York
Times. And Archie, I mustsay that you showed good judgment in putting
the orbituary column next to the kitchenthere. Thank you. And look at
the rest of the man takes DuncanFife cuspadors, see those looking at them,
(14:09):
Chippydale tables, genuine oil paintings.That one up there by the way
is a portrait of Duffy to propriethimself, say he looks like sitting bull
looked before he sat down. Andthese these cracks in the wall, Archie,
what are these air conditioning? For? The termite? Mister Allen Duffies
(14:31):
does not cater the timer you need. Even termites refused to eat in the
air lease no cracks about the food. We may not save portray John Peasant,
but the food is very nourishing.It's nourishing. Eh. You know
who eats who? Frank Sinatra thatI and believe he is a real disciple
(15:09):
of malnutrition. Asturney's got us tothank for it. Yeah, a lot
of big shots here. You seethat guy over there, that's crud Face
Cliff for the safe Cracker Strickly ParkAvenue or a ritz Cracker. Hey,
Yeah, a great dynamite man,very delicate artist too. I have seen
flood Face take a pinch of TNTand open a can of sardines. And
(15:39):
when the can of sardis were opened, there were the little sardines laying there
with that joke alongside us. Amisreves that that reminds me. I knew
a safe cracker once Archie one Halloween, purely as a prank mark you.
(16:02):
I put a little bicombinate of sodain with his nitro glycerin. What happened
that night? Don't anticipate you heardit the first show. Now you're laughing
before laugh along? I hope Iput I put a little bicombinator soda in
his nitroglycerin, and that night,for the first time in history, a
(16:25):
bank burke must have been very embarrassing, and bank naturally couldn't say pardon me,
No, it was just one ofthose corny exchange banks. You know,
no corner or exchange in this Howmake it will as I live and
breathe. If it isn't Archie,what is it? Oh uh? This
(16:52):
is ms Duffy Bred and take atip watch you out? What do you
mean? Aren'tie? This name carriesaround a marriage license. May out to
her and to whom it may concerns, Miss Duffie Aunt. She tells me
that you've entered yourself in the leafyear Derby for phillies, and the way
she's been running, you'd think shewas owned by Ben Crosby. You two
(17:17):
talk like I was a horse nownot. If I was to tell you,
na, little lady, don't getexcited. You might pull a tender
save your wind for the track.I will have you to know that I
am no horse. What don't wedo with her? Brent? Slap her
saddle on her and put her ina claiming race? That's the trouble with
(17:41):
her. Nobody will claim her.Oh you to show your for all that's
right by her relatives. I'm calledPortland Hopper's husband, and you are Clifton
Finnell. You off boy in theorder. You make so many people to
(18:03):
look at you, Bennikin Please,that is ill man. Mister Allen is
not responsible for his ghastly looks.Thank you watching? Sorry, what's a
good trick your gut? Watch thattalking to your nose? Look, there
(18:26):
must be hard to slip the woodspast your rap nooids, So how are
you thought? Are use small words? Of course? If I feel a
big word coming on, I giveit both nostra, and then I push
it through with hyphens on occasion.It's very simple, really, Hello,
(18:48):
Hello, Duffy. Huh Yeah,Alan's here? The bags brother has he
got him? It looks like hiseyes is waiting for her red down.
No, I ain't asked him aboutthe pig roast yet. Okay, I'll
approach him, Juffy, call meback, Fred, I'll be blunt.
(19:11):
How would you like to make afast buck? Em Seeing a pig ROAs
sounds like a sounds like a greasybuck to me archie. What is this
this pig ros Well, it's aDuffy Springs semiannual St. Patrick's Day music
colin pig roast sounds gala, Ohyeah yeah sure, oh irish? Now
(19:32):
how about you am saying? Waita minute, don't rush me into it?
What about the salary? Five bucksand all a pig you can stomach?
Five bucks? Now, let mesee ten percent? That's fifty cents
goes to my agent out of thefive bucks. Don't forget the pig.
Don't worry, he'll be around tocollect his commission in the morning. Well,
(19:52):
Fred, five bucks ain't nothing tobe sneezed at five bucks. I
can make more money than that peddlingWilkie buttons to you could huh just a
minute, hello, hello Duffy.You won't thank the fine Duffy. I
don't blame that guy. He's abig radio star, a picture star,
famous stage actor. How kind canwe go? Wow, it's a little
(20:18):
more like us. It's what's theoffer? Six fifty? Well? Look
is that European plan or with pigthis American plan? You eat before you
get this? Oh? I seenow, Fred, when would you when
would you like to audition for thispig ross. You mean I have to
audition for this swine soiree? Well, not for me, it's for Duffy.
(20:45):
You know. He always chooses hisown figs and messes. The ceremony
stood, So why do you say, Fred? What do I say?
Yeah? Oink? Huh? Whatdid you say? I said? Ok,
make a look at your knuckles,right? Six dollars and fifty cents?
Oh, say, mister Allen.Didn't you once work for Salapatica,
(21:07):
Yes, mister Seymour, And itlooks you know I'm going to work for
even less here in a minute.Oh, mister Allen, weren't they wonderful
people to work for? Well?Now is I? I know you loved?
It's that Tell me what do youdo for the Salapadika people? Go
ahead, Danny Seong, Oh,ladies and gentlemen. It's certainly true that
sometimes the best laid plans can goastray when something unexpected happens. And yet,
(21:30):
if on the day when you've madespecial plans, you wake up feeling
headache because you need a laxative,don't think your plans need be upset,
or that it's necessary to put offtaking that laxative To bedtime, simply take
sal hoppatoka famous saline at once forthen speedy sal hoopatika brings quick gentle relief,
usually within an hour, so youcan see you don't have to wait
(21:52):
till night to take the laxative neededin the morning and consequently don't have to
continue feeling miserable all day and salhopatikado forget. As this additional advantage,
sparkling salhapatica also helped sweeten an upsetstomach by helping to reduce excess gastric acidity.
So before another day goes by,stop at your drug store for a
bottle of salvapatica, remembering this caution, use only as directed. Then,
(22:17):
whenever you need a laxative morning,noon, or night, see if you
don't feel better faster when you takegentle speedy salvatica. Hello, Hello,
Duffy. Huh, First you wantedto fill out the question. Then okay,
(22:41):
Fred, would you mind answering somequestions? All right? Uh?
Freight your name Fred Allen? Occupation, part time gasoline salesman. Huh social
Security I'm already collecting it obviously.Next. Next, any hobbies I can
(23:06):
spin a yo yo can spend ahow do you spell yo? Yo?
Why? Oh? What? Justthe one yo? How about the other
one? Likewise, I'm sure anyother talent juggling you'll be handy to the
EMC has to wait on tables too. Anything else, well, I sing
and play the clarinet, Sing andplay me? Hello, Stuffy, you
(23:32):
all ready for the audition? Wehe says. He sings and plays the
clarinet. Okay, listen in vanSteeden. Yeah alone, mister Allen,
the lend of a clarinet. Okay, Hey, mister Allen, thank you
say? I isn't that strange?I have a clarinet just like this one
at home, mister van Stephen,didn't you used to have the band on
(23:52):
my program? Yep? And Iquit? Why did you quit? Pete?
Some rats? Why the clarinet?Well, I'll see that you get
this one back? Okay, Fred, leave us start to the audition.
What song do you think would be? Uh? A proposed for a pig
roast? Pig ross? He grows. How about something from Porky and Bess?
(24:22):
Oh sow sweet? You are allwhile strolling through the pork one day?
Well, Duffy, don't mind whatyou see, you know, as
long as it's when irish eyes Asmile, all right, warm smile all
(24:44):
the world things al huh, okay, Duffy, and now Fred for the
clarinet. But I hardly say.You ain't kidding, but maybe you should
(25:06):
dress your nose. I said,huh, leave us have the clarinet.
What'll I play, Archie? Well, I wrote a song called leave us
face it. We're in love?Archie. I heard that song, what
do you want to do? Turnthis clarinet into a plungert? Look?
(25:26):
What do you want to play?Well? Something from Oklahoma? And frankly
I wish I was there at themoment. He even praised this try nose.
(25:49):
If Beth Noman was alive, he'dwish he was dead. Not a
hold a hold of a second?Hello stinks? Huh lock, Uh,
don't worry, it'll be over soon. Go ahead, friend. Was that
(26:12):
Duffy again? No, this timeit was Portland? Oh go ahead?
Uh let me, couldn't you?The guy is besich, he's not he
(26:33):
makes he's funny. Get him anFred? Hello, Well he stopped,
didn't he? Uh? Huh?Oh, Fred Duffy wants to talk to
you. Oh hello, Hello,Duffy, say what did you huh?
Well, I can't. It's VanStephen's clarinet. Give me a pornament.
(27:11):
Hello, Duffy, Well what'd youthink, Duffy? Such language? Okay,
I'll thank Fred for you. Holdon wire just a minute, Duffy.
Look Fred, do you know anyjokes? Well, there's one joke
about the absent minded motorist. Maybeit's better thought to me clear it through
(27:32):
you. But this is an anaudition within an audition. Well there was
once there was once an absent mindedmotorist who sat in a bar for three
hours in front of a stuffed dollar, waiting for the red light to change.
Tell us sardines to move over.Work, Duffy, what do we
(28:07):
need to write it for? Ireally, look, don't forget these days
a pig is a pretty big attractionby itself. Okay, look Fred,
I know, I know, Archie. This happened to me one time in
Newark with a trombo. Oh look, don't worry. I guarantee we won't
(28:29):
hire nobody else. We'll just takethe six fifty and buy a heavy you
take say, wait a minute,Archie, A heavy pig is pretty hard
to find these days. Well,I have to start looking, say just
the second. Does it matter ifthe pig comes from the Midwest? No?
Does it matter if he wears atwo pay? Fred, you ain't
suggesting? No, No, Iguess I'd better not spoil a high class
(28:53):
pig roast with him around Archie.Good Night, good night, Hell Duffy's
Hello, Duffy. I guess whatI'm gonna be on the radio here next
(29:15):
Sunday night. Fred Allen's invited meto be on his program. Yeah,
that's right. And next Thursday we'rehaving Jimmy Cagney. Yeah, Duffy and
Cagney's got that same Irish wit thatFred Allen has. Hello, Hello,
he hung up mothers. Nowadays,when cold strikes so often, so unexpectedly,
(29:42):
why not make sure that you're readyto get after your child's cold symptoms
with that famous modern chest rub.Minute rub keep minute rub always handy for
rubbing. Minute rub on your youngster'sback from chest quickly helps relieve cold distress,
and minute drubs men fall vapors,aid and w congestion and nozen throat
menidrub is greaseless, stainless, won'tharm clothes, a linens. Be prepared
(30:06):
to get after your boy or girl'scold symptoms with that famous modern chest rub
rub. Keep menudrub always handy forrubbing. Minute rub on your youngster's back
and chest quickly helps relieve cold distressand minidrub is menfaul vapors aid in releading
congestion and nosen throat. Menudrub isgreaseless, stainless, won't harm clothes of
linens. Be prepared to get afteryour boy or girl's cold symptoms with that
(30:30):
famous modern chest rub used by thousandsof mothers. Minute rub
I'd like a private word with pipesmokers. Listen, remember this name,
Revelation. It's a pipe mixture,a true blend of five great tobaccos,
got five different ways to get fromeach tobacco its richest taste and flavor.
So don't throw away your pipe ifit gets hot and sour. If you're
smoking the wrong tobacco for cool,sweet, marvelous smoking pleasure, just try
(00:23):
Revelation. Only fifteen cents. Johnnypresents the Jenny Simms Program, But the
bombarders Edgar Fairchild and his orchestra andthe greatest guest stars in the world.
Tonight it's Naval rotc Cadet Jim Hardy, quarterback of the Trojans who made football
(00:48):
history in the Rose Bowl on NewYear's Day. Also Private first class Richard
Lackman, one of four Duffy fanof Cyphus. Yeah, they hate each
other. Well, Alan's jealous,you see, because Benny steals all his
stuff. I sure Allan was cheaplong before Benny. He look guffy.
(01:12):
I'm just thinking that sat Patrick's dayis coming up. What about a guy
like Allen to him see the pigroast? Huh? Not enough contrast huh,
well, I don't know. Maybeif we could distinguish them whereby we
(01:34):
could get Alan to wear a bluesuit. Okay, I'll talk to him
about it. Along Duffy Ladies andgentlemen. Welcome the Duffies come in and
meets Finnegan, Eddie the waiter,Miss Duffy, Ben Abnuda, Peter van
Steeden and his orchestra, Our specialguests Tonight, Brett Allen and Archie himself
(01:59):
Edgard Brought to you by two productsthat will pay you to remember minute Rob
when you have a cold Val Hopatagowhen you need a laxity minute Rob Val
Eddie, Yes, Edie, youwant to hear a real funny joke?
(02:21):
No, an absent minded professor slammedhis wife and kissed the door goodbye.
Okay, I'd like to hear ajoke. Look, Addie, I'm reheissen
to be one of them. Whatdo you call them? Guys that tells
jokes like the one I just toldhim? A ghool? Oh? No,
(02:43):
I got I'm a monogamous. I'mlearning these gigs. Someone Fred Allen
gets here, we can vanish afew app limbs at each other. You
gotta be pitching or kitchen, Eddie, you never hearde me had a party,
honest the goodness. Every place Igo the people say that you want
to Convultion. Yeah, wait tome and Allen gets together, it'll be
(03:07):
a real battle wits the trouble wherethis battle is. You've got you out
numbered. Listen, Eddie, Igot just as many intelligence as he has,
especially with somebody helping me. Huh. Well, for instance, say
me and Alan are standing here,you know, throwing what he says hems
at each other. Now, somebodymight ask me, why is the chicken
(03:30):
across the street? Who might askyou? You might? Why might I?
Because you might want Sunday off?Yeah? I might let that.
Now why does a chicken cross thestreet because there's a roost on the other
side? Eddie. You asked thequestions. I give the answers. That
(03:53):
is, if you want Sunday's orf, what happens? If I don't ask
you the question, then you'll getIt's Sunday Monday and always well sick hands
a straight man. Okay, tryif Finn again, he just Fred Allen
here to I'm dying to see him. And do you know I'm Finnigan?
(04:19):
No, do you listen to hisprogram? No, then why are you
so anxious to meet him? I'dalways like to make new friends. Well,
Finnagan, why don't you listen tohim? Sometimes it might be I
will well is he he's on Sundaynight? Oh? Oh, I can't
gode Sunday night. My father listensto the Texico show Innigan. That is
(04:45):
the show that Fred Allen is on. Go. It's just that. DG
hoped that me and my father bothlistened to trying the same station. Yeah,
and it would be tough. Butthen why don't Why aren't you listen
some Sunday night when you fly theain't home? I even tried that,
but I just tuned in to finishthe program. To win. The announcer
(05:08):
said, tune in the same timenext Sunday, Well to get toned in
the same time next Sunday. Yep, And once again they were just funny.
Why what does this Fred Allen do? Oh he's a comedian. He
(05:31):
tells joke sir. For instance?Oh, for instance, he said,
why is a street gone like awoman? What else should you do?
Uh, Bennigan night, You're supposedto ask me to ask your what?
Why is a street conde like awoman. Benagan ask me, So why
should I ask you? You don'tknow? You just asked me. Oh,
(05:56):
I get it? Where the Finnagan? Miss Duffie. Maybe you'll do
me a favor? Huh, Icannot you. I aren't too busys you're
too busy, certainly due it isa full day of ripe already, and
I haven't got my circulars printed yet. Circulars MS stuffy? Is that in
good taste? In very good taste? They're printed in old English type.
Welling that case, maybe you'll getan old englishman boy, I'll murdered that
(06:23):
Alander believe Yeah, have you foundany suckers yet? Well, there's just
one sella Goldsworthy Hawker Road your SUNHD, thank you Gos. Where did you
meet Golds? In a restaurant?He wrote me a note on the back
of the menu. So then whatSo then I wrote him a note?
(06:43):
Do you mean you picked up aguy just like that? I did not
pick him up. I just toldyou. We corresponded, Oh, I
forgot that. Well, then whathappened? Well, he invited me for
an automobile ride in the country andhe wanted to borrow Papa's car. Oh
did you with him? Of coursenot. He was a total stanger.
Do you think got touch a totalchanger with top of cart? Well,
(07:08):
don't worry with stuffy, there's stillthree hundred and sixty one days left than
LaPier. Hey, Danny, Dannyseymoan, you are very lax or what
do you mean? Well, youknow what Harry Blanzel would have said when
I said Leapier. What only hewould have said leap is the time of
the year when people get colds.Oh that's pretty corny, isn't it,
Archie, Yeah, but Glee Sell'sthat way. How would you go about
(07:30):
it? Well, I'd point outthat even though this is a new year,
there's certainly nothing new about the coldsthat brought many of us same old
stopped up, no, same oldaching feeling in your muscles. Well,
why not get after those annoying coldsymptoms with something modering minute rub, famous
chest drub. Just massage it brisklyon your back and chest. Yes,
that's all you do, and soon, in fact, even before you finished,
(07:54):
you feel a gratifying sensation of warmthas minute rub begins to sue the
discomfort and tightness caused by your coldand meanwhile, minute rub gives off active
memfoul vapors that help relieve that stuffstuff feeling in your nose and float.
Minute rub won't harm clothes or linens. It's greaseless, stainless seems to disappear
as you rub it on. Sogot after your cold symptoms with this nationally
(08:16):
famous chest rub that takes only aminute to use that helps bring such fast
relief Minute rub M I N TR U B minute rub. And now,
folks, we present the new singingstar of Duffies, Bene Venuta,
(08:39):
who, before she sings, rubsher throat religiously with minute rub a archie,
What goes on here? Ado therapy? If the night please danny,
Ladies and gentlemen, We now havethe great honor of presenting that distinguished female
vocal Shantous, He's singing vocalist ofsuch vocal hits on good way as by
(09:00):
Jupiter, kiss the boys, goodbyeand c at set and set tonight.
She vocalizes strong, she made famous. Everything I got belongs to you,
Miss Bennet Vanuda. That wasn't thatbetter? Benet? Oh yes, that's
(09:24):
fine. Everything else satisfying for youlike the dressing room. Yes, except
that I have to get out everytime somebody wants to use the telephone.
Oh, we'll have that fixed immediately. Eddie put a knot of water sign
on Miss Vanoda's dressing room, havingBennet, I have eyes for you to
(09:50):
give you jerkey look. I haveworried that do not come from children's book.
There's the trick of the knife I'mlearning to do. And everything I've
got belongs to you. I havea powerful anesthesia in my fists, and
(10:15):
the perfect rip to give yourn jacka swift if they're a hamlock holes.
I've mastered a few, and everythingI've got belongs to you. Hair for
share, share of life. Youget struck each time I strike you for
(10:35):
me, me for me. I'llgive you plenty of nothing. I'm not
yours for better for worse, andI've learned to give the well known,
which is hurt. I have aterrible tongue, a temper for two,
(10:56):
and everything I've got belongs to you. Don't stamp your foot at me.
That's implies stamp your foot had meis not quite right. All I discover
(11:16):
me is you're not no mine.I fear my lover is a swine.
You're a living truth that treats butstill alive. You haven't brains enough for
any child of mine. But I'llnever let go. You'll never be free
(11:41):
to everything you've got belong. Everythingyou've got belong, everything you've got belongs
to me. I was really terrific. Feel a sure that's falling out of
(12:11):
your motha man, I say thatwhen television comes in, you'll be a
big start. Oh, thank you, Archie. It's a lucky thing.
Television ain't here now? Why not, miss Duffy, Look what's coming in
the door, fran Allen al AlanDuffies is indeed prideful to have its portholds
(12:35):
pre empty by such an unmitigated placethat as you have to think yourself,
doctor Fatima, And I presume youknow Fred, I'm Fred. You're surprised
to find out. I bet you'resurprised to find out. I ain't no
bum, I'm sure I'm going tobe Archie. Yeah, you're looking ahead
(12:58):
of living so well. So thisis the famous Duffies. Hey, this
is it? What do you thinkof it? Then? Well, I
have been in a lot of dumps, Archie. But frankly This joint is
to architecture what Jack Benny is tothe human race. Who is responsible for
the decors here? To take Ohocapital d Yeah, oh I am responsible,
(13:24):
so little narrow nose. I didn'tthink it smelled it. But tell
me what are you think of thedeco writing? What do you think about
wolf paper? John the wall?It looks as though the one armed paper
hanger still has the hives. Uh, mister Allen, I personally hung that
warp paper. Meself, Well,you couldn't have picked a better paper,
(13:48):
Thank you very much. Yes,sir, there's nothing like the New York
Times. And Archie, I mustsay that you showed good judgment in putting
the orbituary column next to the kitchenthere. Thank you. And look at
the rest of the man takes DuncanFife cuspadors, see those looking at them,
(14:09):
Chippydale tables, genuine oil paintings.That one up there by the way
is a portrait of Duffy to propriethimself, say he looks like sitting bull
looked before he sat down. Andthese these cracks in the wall, Archie,
what are these air conditioning? For? The termite? Mister Allen Duffies
(14:31):
does not cater the timer you need. Even termites refused to eat in the
air lease no cracks about the food. We may not save portray John Peasant,
but the food is very nourishing.It's nourishing. Eh. You know
who eats who? Frank Sinatra thatI and believe he is a real disciple
(15:09):
of malnutrition. Asturney's got us tothank for it. Yeah, a lot
of big shots here. You seethat guy over there, that's crud Face
Cliff for the safe Cracker Strickly ParkAvenue or a ritz Cracker. Hey,
Yeah, a great dynamite man,very delicate artist too. I have seen
flood Face take a pinch of TNTand open a can of sardines. And
(15:39):
when the can of sardis were opened, there were the little sardines laying there
with that joke alongside us. Amisreves that that reminds me. I knew
a safe cracker once Archie one Halloween, purely as a prank mark you.
(16:02):
I put a little bicombinate of sodain with his nitro glycerin. What happened
that night? Don't anticipate you heardit the first show. Now you're laughing
before laugh along? I hope Iput I put a little bicombinator soda in
his nitroglycerin, and that night,for the first time in history, a
(16:25):
bank burke must have been very embarrassing, and bank naturally couldn't say pardon me,
No, it was just one ofthose corny exchange banks. You know,
no corner or exchange in this Howmake it will as I live and
breathe. If it isn't Archie,what is it? Oh uh? This
(16:52):
is ms Duffy Bred and take atip watch you out? What do you
mean? Aren'tie? This name carriesaround a marriage license. May out to
her and to whom it may concerns, Miss Duffie Aunt. She tells me
that you've entered yourself in the leafyear Derby for phillies, and the way
she's been running, you'd think shewas owned by Ben Crosby. You two
(17:17):
talk like I was a horse nownot. If I was to tell you,
na, little lady, don't getexcited. You might pull a tender
save your wind for the track.I will have you to know that I
am no horse. What don't wedo with her? Brent? Slap her
saddle on her and put her ina claiming race? That's the trouble with
(17:41):
her. Nobody will claim her.Oh you to show your for all that's
right by her relatives. I'm calledPortland Hopper's husband, and you are Clifton
Finnell. You off boy in theorder. You make so many people to
(18:03):
look at you, Bennikin Please,that is ill man. Mister Allen is
not responsible for his ghastly looks.Thank you watching? Sorry, what's a
good trick your gut? Watch thattalking to your nose? Look, there
(18:26):
must be hard to slip the woodspast your rap nooids, So how are
you thought? Are use small words? Of course? If I feel a
big word coming on, I giveit both nostra, and then I push
it through with hyphens on occasion.It's very simple, really, Hello,
(18:48):
Hello, Duffy. Huh Yeah,Alan's here? The bags brother has he
got him? It looks like hiseyes is waiting for her red down.
No, I ain't asked him aboutthe pig roast yet. Okay, I'll
approach him, Juffy, call meback, Fred, I'll be blunt.
(19:11):
How would you like to make afast buck? Em Seeing a pig ROAs
sounds like a sounds like a greasybuck to me archie. What is this
this pig ros Well, it's aDuffy Springs semiannual St. Patrick's Day music
colin pig roast sounds gala, Ohyeah yeah sure, oh irish? Now
(19:32):
how about you am saying? Waita minute, don't rush me into it?
What about the salary? Five bucksand all a pig you can stomach?
Five bucks? Now, let mesee ten percent? That's fifty cents
goes to my agent out of thefive bucks. Don't forget the pig.
Don't worry, he'll be around tocollect his commission in the morning. Well,
(19:52):
Fred, five bucks ain't nothing tobe sneezed at five bucks. I
can make more money than that peddlingWilkie buttons to you could huh just a
minute, hello, hello Duffy.You won't thank the fine Duffy. I
don't blame that guy. He's abig radio star, a picture star,
famous stage actor. How kind canwe go? Wow, it's a little
(20:18):
more like us. It's what's theoffer? Six fifty? Well? Look
is that European plan or with pigthis American plan? You eat before you
get this? Oh? I seenow, Fred, when would you when
would you like to audition for thispig ross. You mean I have to
audition for this swine soiree? Well, not for me, it's for Duffy.
(20:45):
You know. He always chooses hisown figs and messes. The ceremony
stood, So why do you say, Fred? What do I say?
Yeah? Oink? Huh? Whatdid you say? I said? Ok,
make a look at your knuckles,right? Six dollars and fifty cents?
Oh, say, mister Allen.Didn't you once work for Salapatica,
(21:07):
Yes, mister Seymour, And itlooks you know I'm going to work for
even less here in a minute.Oh, mister Allen, weren't they wonderful
people to work for? Well?Now is I? I know you loved?
It's that Tell me what do youdo for the Salapadika people? Go
ahead, Danny Seong, Oh,ladies and gentlemen. It's certainly true that
sometimes the best laid plans can goastray when something unexpected happens. And yet,
(21:30):
if on the day when you've madespecial plans, you wake up feeling
headache because you need a laxative,don't think your plans need be upset,
or that it's necessary to put offtaking that laxative To bedtime, simply take
sal hoppatoka famous saline at once forthen speedy sal hoopatika brings quick gentle relief,
usually within an hour, so youcan see you don't have to wait
(21:52):
till night to take the laxative neededin the morning and consequently don't have to
continue feeling miserable all day and salhopatikado forget. As this additional advantage,
sparkling salhapatica also helped sweeten an upsetstomach by helping to reduce excess gastric acidity.
So before another day goes by,stop at your drug store for a
bottle of salvapatica, remembering this caution, use only as directed. Then,
(22:17):
whenever you need a laxative morning,noon, or night, see if you
don't feel better faster when you takegentle speedy salvatica. Hello, Hello,
Duffy. Huh, First you wantedto fill out the question. Then okay,
(22:41):
Fred, would you mind answering somequestions? All right? Uh?
Freight your name Fred Allen? Occupation, part time gasoline salesman. Huh social
Security I'm already collecting it obviously.Next. Next, any hobbies I can
(23:06):
spin a yo yo can spend ahow do you spell yo? Yo?
Why? Oh? What? Justthe one yo? How about the other
one? Likewise, I'm sure anyother talent juggling you'll be handy to the
EMC has to wait on tables too. Anything else, well, I sing
and play the clarinet, Sing andplay me? Hello, Stuffy, you
(23:32):
all ready for the audition? Wehe says. He sings and plays the
clarinet. Okay, listen in vanSteeden. Yeah alone, mister Allen,
the lend of a clarinet. Okay, Hey, mister Allen, thank you
say? I isn't that strange?I have a clarinet just like this one
at home, mister van Stephen,didn't you used to have the band on
(23:52):
my program? Yep? And Iquit? Why did you quit? Pete?
Some rats? Why the clarinet?Well, I'll see that you get
this one back? Okay, Fred, leave us start to the audition.
What song do you think would be? Uh? A proposed for a pig
roast? Pig ross? He grows. How about something from Porky and Bess?
(24:22):
Oh sow sweet? You are allwhile strolling through the pork one day?
Well, Duffy, don't mind whatyou see, you know, as
long as it's when irish eyes Asmile, all right, warm smile all
(24:44):
the world things al huh, okay, Duffy, and now Fred for the
clarinet. But I hardly say.You ain't kidding, but maybe you should
(25:06):
dress your nose. I said,huh, leave us have the clarinet.
What'll I play, Archie? Well, I wrote a song called leave us
face it. We're in love?Archie. I heard that song, what
do you want to do? Turnthis clarinet into a plungert? Look?
(25:26):
What do you want to play?Well? Something from Oklahoma? And frankly
I wish I was there at themoment. He even praised this try nose.
(25:49):
If Beth Noman was alive, he'dwish he was dead. Not a
hold a hold of a second?Hello stinks? Huh lock, Uh,
don't worry, it'll be over soon. Go ahead, friend. Was that
(26:12):
Duffy again? No, this timeit was Portland? Oh go ahead?
Uh let me, couldn't you?The guy is besich, he's not he
(26:33):
makes he's funny. Get him anFred? Hello, Well he stopped,
didn't he? Uh? Huh?Oh, Fred Duffy wants to talk to
you. Oh hello, Hello,Duffy, say what did you huh?
Well, I can't. It's VanStephen's clarinet. Give me a pornament.
(27:11):
Hello, Duffy, Well what'd youthink, Duffy? Such language? Okay,
I'll thank Fred for you. Holdon wire just a minute, Duffy.
Look Fred, do you know anyjokes? Well, there's one joke
about the absent minded motorist. Maybeit's better thought to me clear it through
(27:32):
you. But this is an anaudition within an audition. Well there was
once there was once an absent mindedmotorist who sat in a bar for three
hours in front of a stuffed dollar, waiting for the red light to change.
Tell us sardines to move over.Work, Duffy, what do we
(28:07):
need to write it for? Ireally, look, don't forget these days
a pig is a pretty big attractionby itself. Okay, look Fred,
I know, I know, Archie. This happened to me one time in
Newark with a trombo. Oh look, don't worry. I guarantee we won't
(28:29):
hire nobody else. We'll just takethe six fifty and buy a heavy you
take say, wait a minute,Archie, A heavy pig is pretty hard
to find these days. Well,I have to start looking, say just
the second. Does it matter ifthe pig comes from the Midwest? No?
Does it matter if he wears atwo pay? Fred, you ain't
suggesting? No, No, Iguess I'd better not spoil a high class
(28:53):
pig roast with him around Archie.Good Night, good night, Hell Duffy's
Hello, Duffy. I guess whatI'm gonna be on the radio here next
(29:15):
Sunday night. Fred Allen's invited meto be on his program. Yeah,
that's right. And next Thursday we'rehaving Jimmy Cagney. Yeah, Duffy and
Cagney's got that same Irish wit thatFred Allen has. Hello, Hello,
he hung up mothers. Nowadays,when cold strikes so often, so unexpectedly,
(29:42):
why not make sure that you're readyto get after your child's cold symptoms
with that famous modern chest rub.Minute rub keep minute rub always handy for
rubbing. Minute rub on your youngster'sback from chest quickly helps relieve cold distress,
and minute drubs men fall vapors,aid and w congestion and nozen throat
menidrub is greaseless, stainless, won'tharm clothes, a linens. Be prepared
(30:06):
to get after your boy or girl'scold symptoms with that famous modern chest rub
rub. Keep menudrub always handy forrubbing. Minute rub on your youngster's back
and chest quickly helps relieve cold distressand minidrub is menfaul vapors aid in releading
congestion and nosen throat. Menudrub isgreaseless, stainless, won't harm clothes of
linens. Be prepared to get afteryour boy or girl's cold symptoms with that
(30:30):
famous modern chest rub used by thousandsof mothers. Minute rub
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