From Fear to Freedom: Leah Chrest’s Journey of Healing and Faith

In this powerful episode of Emerge & Empower Podcast TV, Leah Chrest; mother, stepmother, math teacher, lay preacher, and teacher of Christian meditation, shares her journey of healing from childhood loss and the devastating passing of her husband in 2021. Through surrendering her deepest insecurities to God, Leah found peace, joy, and the strength to walk in faith. Her story offers hope to anyone seeking healing from grief and the courage to trust God fully.

Content Warning: This episode contains sensitive discussion of grief, childhood loss, and spousal bereavement. Please listen with care.

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⚠️Disclaimer: Viewer and listener discretion is advised. Content may include sensitive topics. Guest views are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of Dr. Linda Joseph, Shemergence, or Emerge & Empower Media.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Emerge and Empower podcast TV, a platform where

(00:04):
resilience meets transformation. Here we amplify voices that have faced trials, trauma,
and adversity, stories that inspire hope, healing and empowerment. Every
episode brings raw, unfiltered conversations with individuals who have risen
from hardship, embracing faith, strength and purpose. Join us as

(00:26):
we break the silence, uplift one another, and emerge stronger together.
New episodes air Wednesdays at six pm English and Saturdays
at six pm, with select Saturdays in Creole for our
Haitian audience.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
Hello everyone, and welcome to Emerge and Empower with your host,
Doctor Lynn J. And once again I'm happy to come
to you here on the said as we bring yet
again more stories to help you heal for real. All right,
I'd heal for real, not superficially, but for real emergent
and power as you know, stand for my own personal journey,

(01:08):
which is called She Emrgins. I Am She my first
book and the second book, Shemrgins The Shift, soon to
release the third book that's called Unholy at the Table
that's going to tell you how I felt as I
went through these emotions as it related to me and God.
So on today, yet again, we have another individual that

(01:28):
will be coming here sharing her story, her transfermersions and
what she has come away from. As we know, each
and every day we heal. Healing is continuous, healing is forever.
Let us just open up our hearts and allow God
to bring that healing in trust God, trust the process,

(01:49):
trust with God is about to do in your life.
Because without that then it's like, you know what, it
seems like, it's a wasted effort if you are not
trusting God because you cannot do it on your own.
You cannot do it in your own strength. No one can.
I've tried it, all right, So I'm sure I'm preaching
to the choir when I say this, but let us

(02:12):
trust God. So let us just get ready. Get on
the front row seat, all right, get on the couch,
get ready, whether you're in your car, ready 're at home,
wherever you are watching right now or listening to us,
because we are both podcasts, audio and also visual, YouTube,
LinkedIn and Facebook. Follow us on Emerging and Power with

(02:36):
Doctor Lynj on YouTube. The same with Apple podcasts and
all the other podcast platforms. You know, what to do.
Go ahead and share, Share, Share, let everyone know that
you are on where doctor Lynn J she is on.
Let's pull up, let's get into our seats, and let's
listen to yet another impowerful, IMpower full, IM back segment.

(03:03):
I gotta go back and cut that a powerful segment
for you and your audience. So let's go right in
here as we have our guests on today. Her name
is Leah as she comes here on the set, and
I would like for you to understand. Leah is a
mother of two step mother of two Matt, teacher, lay preacher,

(03:27):
and teacher of Christian meditation. She lost her birth mother
when she was only two months old. Thus she was
raised by her grandmother and tells her dad remarried when
she was almost two. She wasn't told of her birth
mother's passing until late elementary school. Subconsciously, she felt a

(03:47):
lack of rootedness and safety throughout her childhood and young adult.
Her greatest fair as an adult was losing a spouse. However,
it was exactly that losing a husband in late August
of twenty twenty one that finally forced her to turn
her insecurities over to God heal her mother won't and

(04:09):
find fullness of peace and joy that God intends for us. All.
Let us welcome layer to the set on today. Everyone. Welcome, Welcome,
Welcome to emerge and empower. How are you doing today?

Speaker 3 (04:26):
I'm just wonderful. Thank you so much for this honor
to be here with you and to share my story
and to just bring hope and joy to others on
their journeys. Yeah, it's this has been an amazing transformation,

(04:46):
you know, thinking about where I was as a young person,
as a young adult, and then now you know, and
having lost my husband and going through widowhood and now
remarried with you know, two children and two step children,
and feeling that I have I'm the most blessed person

(05:07):
on the planet, you know, feeling just so in touch
with God's peace, God's joy on a daily basis. And
you know, that transformation at what's possible is just what
we're here to, you know, help others along the way,
and how they have helped me of course on my journey.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
Right right, right, So I want to thank you for that.
I know it's not easy to lose a loved one,
let alone a spouse. What you have children, all right,
and that's also a grieving moment as well. But I
want you to take your time as we here on
this platform and just take us through your personal journey

(05:45):
and what you would like to share with the audience
on today.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
Absolutely, So this is a part of the story that
I don't think I've shared elsewhere, but I felt like
the Holy Spirit was calling me to share this on
this particular platform. And that's more focused on the mother piece,
because I didn't realize how much that underlied so much
of what I experienced as a young person and in

(06:11):
my marriage, and there were so many issues that stemmed
back to that, not feeling safe and secure, that stemmed
from losing my birth mother. And so just kind of
going back to the very beginning. My parents were high
school sweethearts, and they had me when they were in
their twenty fourish twenty five and my birth mother just

(06:35):
adored children, couldn't wait to have a baby of her own,
and so when I was born, she would just overjoyed.
But unfortunately, or God's will, it happened as as God intended,
but about two months after I was born, she passed
away in a car accident. Wow. And of course I

(06:58):
did not store these memories. I was not aware of
these memories, right, But the infant, you know, when you
have that attachment to the mother, right, and the mother
is suddenly gone, there's something in there.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
Subconsciously that's there's a void.

Speaker 3 (07:14):
There's a void. And I don't think this is just
isolated to me and my experience. We all have a
void of some kind and that's not the God hole, right,
And parents do their best to fill that to give
you that security in that base. And we all have
that wound. Some of you are going to relate more
to me than others, but we all have it. We
all have something that just says I'm not totally safe.

(07:37):
I'm not totally secure. I don't feel that, and so
you know, mine was a good point at it, but
not everyone can. But it's there and we all have
to look there to find that. So when I was
two months old, like I said, I was actually in
the car with my mother. I lost my mother and
my and I broke my hip in the car accident

(07:57):
and I was like a body cast a few months. Obviously.
My dad was just utterly devastated and couldn't function for
a couple of weeks anyway, and then he got back
on his feet to take care of me. But my
grandmother took me in and did the mother role for
about a year and took full time care of me

(08:18):
while my dad was at work and getting back on
his feet again. There's a lot of joy in this journey,
and I want to share the joyful moments. But how
God is present. So the woman who was the replacement
for my birth mother while my father was on maternity leave.
You know, my dad went in to return the typewriter

(08:40):
to the office so my birthday writer to turn everything
to the office, get everything back. As he walks in,
he sees this woman there coming down the stairs and
he said, she glowed and that became my mother that
I knew. So God provided the mother to me that
I knew. It was mom, So very very cool. She

(09:02):
said that she didn't want any more children because she
couldn't love anyone else as much as me, which is adorable.
And she really did try to be, you know, everything
she could to me, and she was wonderful. She was
absolutely a wonderful mother. And however, there are things there
when you don't have that biological connection.

Speaker 2 (09:22):
There's something a little bit there.

Speaker 3 (09:25):
There's something there and there was also compounded by my
grandmother and my dad and mom lived next door to
each other, and my grandmother when she she was kind
of forced to hand me over to my now mom,
who would just come in the picture. Here. She'd been
raising me for the last year a year and a half,
and now this other person comes in and kind of

(09:46):
takes her away from her. And there was this silent
animosity between the two of them that I didn't understand,
and they try to keep it from me because they
wanted what was best for me. But children can sense things,
and it just since there was something there, and I
didn't understand why my mom didn't like my grandmother that much,

(10:07):
and I just it was this weird sort of difficulty
difficulty there. So they told me when I was eight
or ten years old, I don't remember exactly how old,
but late elementary school I was told what had happened,
and it sort of all clicked for me. It made
sense in a lot of ways. I understood, Oh, that's
why I don't look exactly like my mother.

Speaker 4 (10:29):
Answered yeah, So a lot of things were answered, And
when I saw the pictures of my birth mother, I
could see, oh, that's that's who I look like, and
even some of the ways her posturing, the way she stood,
the way she carried herself, and the pictures my dad
showed me, I saw myself and them.

Speaker 3 (10:46):
I could see some of those those connections. And you know,
my mother that I knew, my my living mother, and
she again, we had a wonderful memory theeah that she
taught me. I had a she read to me every night.
You know, we taught me how to cross ditch, and
I my favorit memory of her is dancing in the
kitchen the Pointer Sisters, which is a lovely memory of

(11:10):
just being silly together. But again, there were so many
things that were different between us. My dad and I
are two pees in the pod, and my mom and
I just were just very, very different people, and that
was difficult. So my dad would take me on trips
to out and about and just tell me about my
birth mother and tell me little things about her so

(11:30):
I could understand, you know, sort of that background where
I came from and all of that. But I said,
there was that hole, and I felt it and when
I hit middle school and actually, doctor Lynn, I just
connected the dots today about this because I knew that
middle school was very traumatic for me. And you know,
we all go through difficulties in middle school. Our bodies

(11:53):
are changing. Girls just get mean. I mean, it's just
what it is. But I was a especially I handled
it especially poorly. I refused to I just hold up.
I refuse to talk to anybody. I just went within
my shell. I didn't feel comfortable or safe to put
myself out there in any way. I felt so vulnerable.

(12:16):
And now looking back on it, it seems so clear
to me there was this piece of just not feeling
safe right that was in there that I think went
back all the way to that and it got to.

Speaker 2 (12:27):
The middle school. Was when that revelation came to you.

Speaker 3 (12:30):
Well, I didn't I didn't even know why. I found
out about my mother before middle school, but during the elementary.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
But as you, as you moved from elementary to middle
you're still feeling from this place. So you're still trying
to put the pieces together. You're still acknowledging, you're still realizing,
you know what, your mom isn't in your life, even
though your step mother is in your life. But you
know the wonder you thought was mom. Now you're starting

(12:57):
to see a lot of things. So and as God
as you go into middle school, now you no longer
that little girl. You have to start doing things on
your own, find yourself, understand your feelings, all of these things.
So I'm sure you're thinking a lot.

Speaker 3 (13:16):
Yes, there's a lot of thinking and not a lot
of courage. And my parents would tell me things. They say, Leah,
you get stubborn over the weirdest things, like the things
that matter. You just just like a doormat. But when
the things that don't matter, I put my foot down
because that was the only way I felt comfortable putting
my foot down. I was just so I came across

(13:38):
as very confident, almost cocky, but deep down I refuse
like the friendships, I just wouldn't talk to anyone. I
eat by myself at lunch, the group sat out of
the circle. When I sat outside the circle, and it
was tearing my body apart, I would get the equivalent
of what appeared to be neurovirus. I mean that intensity
every single month for a year and a half. And

(13:58):
my parents were trying to figure out what's wrong. What's wrong?
Is it something she's eating? Like what is causing this?
And I found out in college it's actually a disorder
that's stress, and your body is just trying to release
the stress in some way, shape or form. And so
I was. I was in a place of just very deep,
not groundedness, not knowing who I was, and just kind

(14:22):
of lost. And so that hole was was was deep
for me. When I got to high school, things got better.
I didn't have those viruses anymore, and I started to
make friends and you know, a little bit at a time,
but it came out of that a little bit. But uh,

(14:42):
as most teenage girls do, I try to find my
worth and a man that was my next thing right
to fill that hole with.

Speaker 2 (14:51):
I don't know why we feel it has to go
that way, but for some right you feel I don't know,
it's like why you why do men and women feel
like their selves being attached into someone else will fulfill
something that's lacking, a void. And that's how come you

(15:14):
might even have people who become promiscuous because they're trying
to feel something that men cannot feel. Absolutely, and that's
exactly what it is. Would you make them tell.

Speaker 3 (15:27):
You absolutely, Well, thank you for that, because that is
very true that we are looking to feel something that
only God can fill. And the truth of it is,
and I know that you know, most of our listeners
know this, that it is actually when we find our
fulfillment in God, that those romantic relationships, should we have

(15:48):
them in our life, are actually fulfilling. Otherwise they're honestly,
they're just their torture. They're suffering because you're looking for
something that can't fulfill you moment and that that's not
going to happen. And so I obviously I had a
lot of honestly good boyfriends. They're nothing traumatic, nothing bad.

(16:10):
They were all good people. But I was too attached
to their opinion of me, and so when they thought
highly of me, I felt great. And when they had
they thought something, we had an argument, it was the
end of the world. And went through these cycles.

Speaker 2 (16:25):
And so you give them your power.

Speaker 3 (16:28):
Absolutely I did. I gave those relationships that power, and
it definitely led to a lot of suffering. Anytime I
was single, I just didn't feel like I was worth anything,
and it was it was a difficult.

Speaker 2 (16:42):
Elements that you valued yourself based on how people viewed you.

Speaker 3 (16:47):
Yes, absolutely, and so the man that I married, and
I do not regret marrying him at all. He was
the right person for me at the time, and I
still feel very positively about our relationship, and I still
love him in the in the way that you know,

(17:09):
a soul to soul love right, just romantic, but a
genuine soul to soul love me very deeply. He's a wonderful,
wonderful soul. He he was a heavy drinker, and I
grew up with almost no alcohol in my house, and
I went to at college that was a heavy drinking school.
I didn't really drink, but I saw it all around me,

(17:31):
and so when my boyfriend fiance that husband would drink
a lot, I just thought, oh, this is normal, because
that's what I thought everyone did. I didn't understand and drinking.
You know, when someone becomes an alcoholic, they turn into

(17:52):
a type of person who tends to blame others for
them not take ownership. And of course, my whole of
needing to look for fulfillment in a man what was
absolutely not being met because he was looking kind of
putting it all on me. Yeah, that's what the illness does.

(18:15):
It wasn't him, but in our first couple of years
of marriage, he was not that way. But once the
disease took hold, it became that way and It was
just not a good situation, with him being in that
state of poor me and me being in a state
of let me rescue you, because if I save you,
then I feel better about myself.

Speaker 2 (18:35):
I don't know why we'd be thinking that doom.

Speaker 3 (18:38):
It was a lot of insanity. It was a lot
of insanity. And so it got to the point we
had two little boys, about maybe two years old, and
then the oldest was maybe the two by five, And
it was around my thirtieth birthday, thirty thirty two or
somewhere in that range. And so at my parents' house

(18:59):
and I was going to blow out the candles and
I asked my oldest, you know, hey, you can make
the wish for me this year. And I had no
idea what this little guy was gonna say, and I
thought it'd be something cute and funny, and he said,
and I was mortified. I wish mommy wouldn't cry so much. Wow,
And oh no, that's just it's not only embarrassed, because

(19:22):
that kind of handed the cards to my parents that
I'm not doing well. And I was trying to keep
that under wraps as best exactly. But also the biggest
impact was I need to do something because my children
are suffering because I'm suffering, and I may not care
about myself, but I need to care about them, and
I need to do something for myself so that I

(19:43):
can take better care of them. And so that that
led me to I mean, I had always been a
Christian and a strong Christian. However it led me to
do more listening to God than talking to God, because
I think a lot of us as Christians, do a
whole lot of talking to God.

Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yes, So I.

Speaker 3 (20:03):
Started a meditation practice and where I would just sit,
you know, my tension in my heart and just be
with God. And that's the first time I felt that
unconditional love where I realize, oh, I'm worthy, not because
somebody out there, whether it's a mom or a husband
or a child, says I am or a boss, I'm

(20:26):
worthy because I'm worthy. Yes, And very very slowly life
began to get better. And it wasn't because anything out
there got better. My kids were still young and all
over the place, my husband was still a functional alcoholic,
and I still had all the other drama in my life.

(20:47):
Nothing changed, but I was happier and more at peace
because I began to see that self worth.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
That's it, that's it. Yeah, Paul talks about that, about
renewing the mind, because until we renew our mind, our
whole perspective would not shift until we do so. And
once we understand your value, now you can say, you

(21:18):
know what, I'm more than this, and you start thinking accordingly,
moving accordingly, dressings. You know, it's like everything comes in
and one of the biggest things that happen is confidence.
People might see you at night and day and like,
what happened? What did you do different? And they're trying
to figure it out. Maybe it's your hear stuf. Maybe

(21:38):
you say clothes, what did you do? But what it
was was now you finally said, you know what is
time you forgive yourself, cut yourself some slack and said,
you know what, there's more to me than this, and
I will not let this pull me down, drag me down,
lock me in, whatever your decide to let it do.

(22:01):
You released a whole and now you are in control.
You now have the remote. You can change the channel.

Speaker 3 (22:10):
Yes, I agree. Otherwise the TV is just playing stuff
on repeat that you don't want to watch. It's a
bunch of junk. Yes, you have to have the remote.
And say no, I want this channel, want the God channel.
Give me the God channel, give me the I know
my worst channel, turn off all together, the nasty and
that even you know some of those patterns, and it

(22:31):
takes time. I think we need to remember, yes, when
we take that first step, it wasn't like it was
suddenly better every night, right. I mean I noticed some
shifts within the first week or two of this practice,
but it took until I mean, I'm still growing, We're
still healing. Is oh yeah in the intro we want
But I would say it took it took about five

(22:52):
years maybe to feel that I was fully out of
We're out of that place of eating something from someone.

Speaker 2 (23:01):
But you gotta understand it took time to get it there.
So there's no way that this is gonna happen overnight.
It took time for some people, it took years, So
there's no way it's gonna happen over time. It's taking time.
But you have to understand that in your mind, you
already know this is the journey, this is where I'm going,
and you continue this pat It doesn't mean that there

(23:23):
are times where you fall back. You you like, wait
a minute, forget it. But then you say, you know what,
I won't throw in the towel and you get up
like somebody who was in a boxing match and been
knocked down, Right, are you knocked down? Like I can't
get up knocked down or I'm knocked down, but I
still got the wheel to get up. I'm going for
another round. And usually when that happened, and you get

(23:46):
that zeal and that push, and that's stammina. You just
come in, you know, come and punching, because in so
doing the opponent is gonna get necked down. Sometimes you
gotta close your eyes and just you understand, just come
up swinging, you know. And whoever get knocked and they say, wow,
great bunch, and you were just like, you know, it

(24:08):
wasn't intentional, but I just got up and I just sted,
you know, punchy, and that's it. So, yes, it takes time.
It takes time. So let's just go to a short
break and we'll be right back, right back, everybody, stay tuned,
we'll be back. We'll be back. Let's go drink some coffee.

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(24:56):
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(25:18):
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Speaker 2 (25:35):
All right, all right, all right, we're coming back up.
When we left, the thing was we're not gonna stay down,
and we're gonna come up. We're alive and want to live.
So it took you approximately five years to come into
the woman that has continued to evolve today. So let's
continue from there.

Speaker 3 (25:56):
Absolutely, So, I think one thing it's important to note
is that I didn't start my full time job because
I was home with my children from the bulk of
their toddler years, which is about two years, and you
consider both kids combined, and so when my youngest was
in kindergartens, that's about three or four years into this

(26:17):
healing process. Was when I started back in full time
work as a high school teacher. And uh so the
time I was back in the school building, I had
that joy about me that was palpable to people. My
students saw it, my coworkers saw it, and they didn't
know what was going on at home. They didn't know
what was all this stuff, and so they all just

(26:38):
figured my life was just hunky dory. You know that
that was why I was so happy. Was this circumstance,
and you know that there wasn't They didn't know what
was going on. Around that same time, again, I'm just
starting back at work. This is when my husband begins
to hit his bottom. It takes a couple of years,
but it's this period where he his health begins to fail.

(27:01):
And we are at an amusement park with my dad
and our kids, and my husband's drinking or clearly inebriated
at the amusement park and my dad realizes what's going on.
He's the only one except for me who my husband
ever admitted he was an alcoholic to un till he hits.

(27:22):
He finally got sober three months before he died. So
it was very weird having just this weird thing with
just me, my dad, my mom, and my husband the
only ones who knew about this. My kids didn't know,
like it just really kind of very again closed off.
And at that time when my dad found out, and
my dad was trying to do a kind of intervention

(27:43):
help my husband out, and it's with me a little bit,
but then my husband was angry at my dad, and
there were just a lot of m there a lot
of tension. It was the holiday season because all things
happened during the holiday season, right, And this goes back
to the mother. Thing's just a really cool story that
I'm fuming and I feel this knock on my heart

(28:06):
and I almost hear the words in my head like
it's not a voice, but like something is not my
own thinking. He says, Hey, it's your mom. Pick up
the phone and call your dad. Let him know that
I love him. It's like you gotta be kidding. I
don't want to talk to dad right now. I don't
want to talk a dad right now. And she knew this.
This is my birth mother. And you're gonna At first,
I might be thinking she's kind of cooky, right, I'm

(28:27):
nicking this stuff up. But there's something that's going to
be to tell you this is a real thing. And
I think this happened because she knew I wouldn't call
my dad for me, but I would call for her.
And so I'm thinking, this is crazy, my dad, I'm
not gonna call hm. This is just a weird thing
to tell them. Your deceased wife told me to tell

(28:48):
you this. This is just right hard and something. And
we'll just give me a sign, give me a sign.
I don't know. And this again a thought popped in
my head, birds birds, and I thought, I don't need
a sign. I'm I asking at first. I don't need
to test this. I'm just going to do it, Like
what's the market calling my father? So I pick up
the phone, I say, hey, Dad, it's me. This is
what I'm feeling. I don't know why, but I'm supposed

(29:11):
to call you. And I look out the window. I'm
walking towards the window. Look out the window and in
the tree nearby our house, there's a whole I don't
know what the word for, his flock of vultures covering
this tree. Wowmly covering this tree. I break down crying
at this point because I'm realizing, well, there's the sign.

(29:31):
I asked for it I day before I saw it.
And then I find out later that my dad asked
my mom, like when they were dating, to communicate with
him with birds.

Speaker 5 (29:43):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (29:44):
I didn't even know that. So that confirmed number one
that it was her. This was legitimate, this was happening.
So again, my mom's taking care of me when I'm
pushing my dad away because my husband's angry. And here
I am still playing that role of I'm getting my
husband happy, and even you know, I'm gonna side with

(30:04):
him even though doesn't makes sense. We're doing that same habit.
She is saving me, protecting the relationship with my dad,
holding me, you know. And so that's just a really
really cool moment there. And she comes in the story again.
A couple of years later, my husband's health continues to
get worse. I can see that he has yellow in
his eyes, so he's clearly something's wrong with his liver, right,

(30:28):
But again I'm very naive, and he's in his late thirties.
I'm thinking there's no way anywhere near like life's threatening.
This is just you know, maybe he needs to just
stop drinking and his liver can heal, it'll be fine.

Speaker 2 (30:41):
Well, he had to like live a sorosis.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
He had cirrhosis, and I knew there was something wrong
with his liver. I didn't realize how bad it was
at the time. And I'm out for a walk. This
is towards the end of COVID, so we're we're coming
out of quarantine. I'm just going for nightly walks to
just get some fresh air. And as I'm walking, I
feel this incredible peace come over me, just a blanket

(31:05):
of love. And as I'm walking again these words pop
in my head and again, it's your mom, and I
want you to know that you're going to lose your husband.
But it's the best thing for everyone involved. And I'm
in this weird sort of blank a blanket of love.
I'm very calm. Of course, my brain's screaming and saying,

(31:29):
this can't happen. How can it possibly be the best thing? Involved,
especially for the children losing their height and his parents,
you know, all of this because can't be good, right,
Is there any way out of this? Can I do
something about it? And the answer was no, you just
need to accept it. It's all gonna be okay. We've
got you. And so I that blanket kind of stays

(31:53):
with me for about twenty four hours, which keeps me
calm from losing my stuff because I've been going, and
it keeps me from saying anything to my husband about it.
I just kind of can go home and I'm just
sort of just cuddling up to him, like but not
only to share what happened and about that was November
and then that April. He at that point is liver.

(32:15):
I can even see this is not going well. I
mean he was he had the protruding stomach from the
lip from the fluid retention. At this point, he couldn't
breathe well, and he's emaciated except for the fluid, and
and he's still refusing help. He's I mean, he knows,
he admits that he's an alcoholic, but he's refusing and
I mean just kneel down beside the bed, and this

(32:37):
is the moment that I finally get past what I
now know was codependency. And I'm helping him put his
shoes on because he can't even put his shoes on
at this point. He's so weak he can't even put
his shoes on, and he don't can he reach his feet.
It's just it was just it's amazing and what it
can take you to and uh as I'm helping him

(32:59):
out to bed and say, honey, it doesn't have to
be this way. It doesn't. There are people here, including me,
who are willing to help and we love you, but
you have to do this for yourself, right. And it
was the first time I really called him on it
in a way that wasn't begging him to stop drinking

(33:20):
or pretending I didn't see it or any of the games.
It was pure just love. I love you, and you're
doing this to yourself and we're here to help. It
was that one moment of clarity where I was coming
from a place of holy spirit inspiration. Yeah, you know.
And that was the day that he went to work,

(33:41):
he collapsed in the bathroom, went to the hospital and
got sober. Wow, he almost died in the hospital. The doctors,
you know, were telling me, we don't know if he's
going to make it right. And I got on my
knees and prayed, say, God, I know that you told
me he wasn't going to make it. Can it please
not be now? Please give him time to forgive himself.

(34:04):
Can you give the boys a chance to see their
dad's sober right? You know? And I felt like it
was that Hezekaia moment. You know. Yeah, yes, give me
a little bit more time, but.

Speaker 2 (34:17):
Only when you have something to bargain with, you know
what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (34:20):
Yes, I didn't have a lot to did I did say,
you know, give him a chance to forgive himself. And
I'm sure the guy.

Speaker 2 (34:26):
God likes that. He likes that, you know, mm hmm.

Speaker 3 (34:30):
Yeah, and uh I didn't make a lot of use
good use of his time, but my husband did. I'm
very proud of him for that that.

Speaker 2 (34:39):
You know, it's good, that's good that he did.

Speaker 3 (34:42):
Eventually he was a different man, a completely different man.

Speaker 2 (34:47):
And I'm happy for you to have that experience that,
even though it was short lived.

Speaker 3 (34:53):
Yes, I got to see the man that behind the
illness because it was the you know, alcoholism is an illness,
it's not who they are, and I got to see
that and experience that. It was a beautiful three or
four months that we had together. And after it was

(35:16):
so he that was a aprilish and then it was
the end of August and he had had in the
midst of like early August, late July, early August, he
had an infection that was really bad and he was
hospitalized again. He never quite made it back from that infection.
Health wasn't great, but he was, you know, doing okay.
And this one day late August, he says to me, Leah,

(35:37):
it's time to finish your book. And I was writing
my first book, which I know we'll talk about at
the end and it's not really important to the story.
But he knew that. I think I think he knew
he was going to pass, right, And so he said,
boys are coming in with me. We're going to let
mom publish your book today. And I hit published, and
next morning he passed away at home. Wow. And so

(35:59):
I got and he got to be home with his kids.
And the last thing he said to the boys was
listen to your mama. And at that point I didn't
even know that he was going to pass. And then
it was like three minutes after that that he basically
died in my arms.

Speaker 2 (36:12):
Oh so it was sorry for your loss, thank you.

Speaker 3 (36:19):
So what was crazy is about? All of this is
my greatest fear after watching my dad. I didn't watch
my dad lose my mom, but I watched him grieve
continually like there was even though he loved my current mother.

Speaker 2 (36:33):
Right, but you saw the laugh. You didn't know what
it was until everything came together. Then you understood your
father and yourself.

Speaker 3 (36:41):
Yes, And and there in that hole that you know,
there was that special relationship, the high school sweetheart that
he had, you know, and they had that that close bond.
And he loves both of his wives equally but very differently.
They're very different relationships. And there's that hole from losing
that and and being taken away. I mean I had
closure with my husband. I mean it was a car accident.

(37:03):
He had no closure. It was just she was gone,
and I, you know, completely unexpectedly. I had nine months warning.
So it's a very different experience. And I saw that
trauma that he went through, and it scared me so
much that I never wanted to lose a spouse, partially
because of seeing him go through it and partially because

(37:24):
of what we talked about in the beginning of that
was where I found my fulfillment. That was a part
of me. And if I were to lose a spouse
and where what am I have?

Speaker 2 (37:35):
This individual?

Speaker 3 (37:36):
Yes, I really thought that that would be the end
of me. And even I was told during that first
couple of days, people would come up to me and say, Leah,
You're just going to have to survive this next year.
Just survive. And that didn't sit right with me because again,
I was coming from this place of joy up until

(37:57):
that point. I would risen up, come back, fight, you know, swinging,
and I was like, no, I'm not just gonna be surviving.
I'm gonna thrive. God wants me to thrive. I believe
I'm going to thrive, right, And I gave my life
over to God and I say, God, I'm gonna lean
on you hard here, and I trust that there's gonna

(38:17):
be tough days, but you're gonna turn this into something beautiful. Yes,
And he did and he was. He was good and
faithful to that, and that is what finally healed my
mother wound. Was realizing, you know, and I've had had
moments where I could feel that presence of my husband.

Speaker 2 (38:37):
You know.

Speaker 3 (38:37):
There was one of my couple of stories that just
little ones that I think we tend to brush off
if people passed, like the things that they leave us,
there's a little right he crumbs that they're looking out
for us. One of them was, I was this was
his birthday, so he passed. I think it was, honestly,
don't know the date. I know his day before school started,

(38:58):
because that's what stuck in my mind was the kid
went back to school the next day and he died
the day before school started. They still went to school
the next day because they wanted to. Yeah, but that
that was I don't remember the exact date. But so
about five or six days later, it was his birthday
and I went up to visit my parents and grandmother,
and at the time I like country music a lot,

(39:18):
and I was listening to country music up on the
way and my boys were loving it, and they said,
listen to the radio, mom, we love this. And I'm
trying to help them get through their graf so I'm
playing whatever they want, and but every country song was
a love song that day, and my heart is.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
Just they.

Speaker 3 (39:39):
It is either you're you're losing your dog, your car,
you're trying to or you're getting them back, and you
want something back exactly. And so it was just hitting
hard and I was not doing well. It was really
really struggling. And I get back in the van to
come home and it's an hour and fifteen minute drive

(39:59):
for my grandma. There's house back home, and I go
to turn on the radio and I kid you not,
and this is a relatively new car and it has
never done this since it refused to turn on WOW.
Radio would not function. I tried three or four times.
I'm trying to get the kids some entertainment, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing,

(40:19):
but I needed it. I needed that quiet and didn't
need to listen to that music. And as I pulled
in the driveway to our house, the radio kicks on WOW.
And so it was that symbol of I'm taking care
of you. You're not going to do this to yourself
because you matter too. Then your healing matters. And then
there were some other little things that happened. That we

(40:42):
went to a baseball game with my brother in law,
and there was this inside joke in our family that
we were behind this other car or cars behind us,
and this license plate said money won the word money
and like a one. And I was driving a Honta
Civic at the time, ibrid Honda Civic and it's not
a powerful car, and so my husband was it was

(41:04):
a real comedian.

Speaker 2 (41:05):
He was.

Speaker 3 (41:05):
He's hysterical and he's like, oh, money one's trying to
catch up with a mighty Honda Civic, you know. So
we're sitting at the game and we're looking out and
one of the advertisements is a bank called Money One Wow,
And the kids and I look at it and we're
look at each other and we're thinking, yeah, hey, daddy,

(41:26):
you know, just those little things and whether they are
or not, you know, it's just a company. Just hey,
he's looking out for us. And there's a thousand of
stories I could tell, but the point is that it
healed me. Losing him helped me to realize. And I
had like a mukasa with my mother too through all
this about knowing that I was going to lose him.
The thing with the birds in the tree that no
one we lose is truly gone. You can't ever be

(41:50):
separated from them.

Speaker 2 (41:51):
It's just understand that people are spiritual beings. So even
if people are no longer in this envelope of the body,
this spirit spirits. The body is just an outward encasement,
right but the real you is actually you, your soul.
And that's why the Babble tells us to take care
of our soul, to take care of us spirit, you understand,

(42:14):
because this body, you know, it's not going anywhere with us.
You know, we go to the ages of pains and suffering.
But that's not who truly who we are. Even though
I see today people put so much emphasis on the
aesthetics of themselves and the changes of themselves, but that
is not who you are. You know, you are your spirit.

(42:35):
You are your soul, the inner man. That's who you are.
That's your spirit. So yes, you know, people spirit, I mean,
that's why I call it spirit. You know, it's it's
it's not something that we can tangibly touch, you understand,
But that is who you are talking to you right now, Leah,
you are not your outward of parents. You understand, You

(42:59):
are the inner you, the soul. That's who you are.
And that's why the Bible always tells us to guard
our heart. He's not talking about our physical heart, but
he's talking about us spiritually, you say absolutely.

Speaker 3 (43:12):
And that's what we have and that and that's what
lives on. We don't we can't ever lose that. I mean, yes,
we're going to grieve. And you know in in the
book It's Okay to Be Okay, which is my second book, we're.

Speaker 2 (43:23):
Going to those books here. So let's go in here.
Let's pull up this first one here.

Speaker 3 (43:29):
That's you want to publish the day before he passed. Wow,
And then you can't understand given the title there, that
I wouldn't want to have dealt with that so he
never comes out of this life. But you know, that's
a tough one. And that, yeah, that one is, that's
a compilation. I read about five hundred near death experiences

(43:49):
and I wrote one narrative that kind of with a
bunch of footnotes that encapsulates if you were to have
one big experience and from a Christian lens, what would
that like? What wouldn't feel like? And so instead of
reading five hundred, you can just read one and get
the gist and then go explore on your own whatever
avenues you'd like from there. But yeah, that was a

(44:12):
joy to write. And then the second one is the
it's okay to be okay, I apologize I didn't get
a good picture of this one. But how grief and
as a pathway to blessing a new life that you know,
grief it was. It took losing my husband for me
to be able to heal. I mean, and that's just
it's why, why did it have to take that? But

(44:36):
it's what I needed, was to know that I'm not
My worth is not cut up any relationship right here,
and we'll do that.

Speaker 2 (44:46):
People do that all the time because you've said a
lot of typical human nature, trying to change for people,
trying to be this for people. Uh, you know, giving
so much to someone, valuing us, of seeing ourselves as
people see us and not how God sees us. All
of these things and now it is what you thought

(45:08):
was your world, what you thought was your everything shifted,
all right. And once it's shifted, you felt like all
its loss, all's done. But then you realize that was
not who you were. You know, you were in a situation.
You was in a relationship, right And I say this

(45:29):
many times, when two individuals come together, it shouldn't be
too broken people. It should be two people that are whole.
It takes. The Bible tells us the man would leave
his family to become one with his wife, but he's
leaving whole to become to her being whole. Two holes
equaling one. But if we have two broken halves trying

(45:54):
to mess yougether like a puzzle, they don't fit, you understand.
And so that's where we have all of these things
happening in life, you know, and trying to accommodate, you know,
linking in to all of those groups. And that's what
you was doing, trying to overcompensate, trying to or apologize,

(46:15):
you know, even just to be the mediator, apologizing even
when you didn't do anything, you know, saying I'm sorry,
even when you didn't do anything, just because you want
to fill in, you know, just to help this person.
But guess what, when we do that, we're really not
letting this person truly see themselves because we don't give

(46:37):
them the time we need to put that mirror in
front of them to say, here is who I am.
You understand. I don't want to be the reflection that
you're projecting. That's not me, that is your view, that
is your perspective, you understand. But instead we tend to compensate,
overdo this and overdo that. You understand before you know it,

(47:00):
you're a shadow of who you are. And I was
sure you had to go through building your life. So
let's go to this point of building your life bringing
Leah back. Let's talk about that, because now you have
to confront.

Speaker 3 (47:13):
Who you are. Yes, it was pretty clear, pretty fast,
you know, Like I was amazed. And that's why the
title lds It's okay to be okay, because it was.
It was amazed how okay I was and the freedom
I had. I already gotten better, Like I said, I
had had so much healing in that in that five

(47:35):
or six years, but I still had more to do.
And all of a sudden, I was like, you know,
I want to do this today and this is what
I need from my doctor. Lint. It got so bad
at one point, you know, I told you I was
meditating that my husband asked me not to meditate in
the morning, wow, because it made him feel like bad
because he went to work and I was at home
for the summer because I was a teacher, and he

(47:58):
said he felt like I was rubbing it in that
I was home when I met Itoh, Okay, now this,
this is the illness talking. This is not my friend.
Right to be clear that the sober him would never
have said that, right. And the thing is I struggled
to push back on that one. And I finally had
the strength to say, hey, I do this so that

(48:19):
can be my best for you and the children. Right,
I don't take care of myself, that I'm no good
for you. But it took a lot in tears and
struggled to get myself to say that.

Speaker 2 (48:29):
I'm sure.

Speaker 3 (48:31):
And even still I still try to hide it. I
would like sneak out and go into the room, not
make it obvious. But I was able to think and say,
just wake up and do it with me. You have time, Yeah,
come meditate with me, Come join right, And at the
end he actually did before he.

Speaker 2 (48:45):
People, when you're doing what you're doing, people tend to
see what they're lacking and they will voice it. They
will voice it. And men, of course have an ego,
and if the ego is feeling rubbed, it's not even
about the situation this. Men are very egotistical, okay, so
and so it will project you know, in trud what

(49:10):
he's saying is because you have the time you're healing,
and the person know that they could do better, They
know what they could do better, but it's how bad
do you want it? And so you're doing these meditation
and saying, look, she's trying to get herself good, she's
doing this to calm herself, you know, and the person

(49:30):
feel guilty. So he responded from a place of feeling
guilty and true, Yeah that's what that was.

Speaker 3 (49:38):
Yeah, it's exactly what that was. And I could only
half seen it at the time, but that's what their
strength was learning how to do that. Once I had that,
you know, he had moved on to the other side,
and I can still feel that. It's nudges. And it's
interesting is every message I got from him once he
had passed on, and even the last couple months, I
got the same messages, but it was even clearer when

(49:59):
you was let me take care of you, which was just, oh,
this was because when you get rid of the illness,
when you get out of, like you said, the ego,
when women have them too, When we get out of
those egos, all we care about is loving the other
person and making sure that they're taking care of and
of course we take care of ourselves as well. But

(50:20):
because if we don't take care of ourselves, we're no
good for anyone. But that message came through loud and
clear to me. Let me take care of you. It's
time for you to take care of you and our children.
And that's what I did. I spent that next year,
you know, and I had such a network. I had grandparents, neighbors,
family friends.

Speaker 2 (50:40):
Had a community, the whole community.

Speaker 3 (50:42):
That just held us emotionally and you know, supported the
kids with you know, the gym teacher at their elementary
school came to their sports games, things like that. Just
the sweetest things. That each had male teachers that year.
That's got taking care of them, right, and you don't
usually have male teachers elementary school. Both always had a
male teacher that year. You know, those sorts of things happened.

(51:04):
And we got a dog because my husband, it was
one of my favorite jokes that he said. I asked him,
if you could have a dog, what kind of dog
you had to have a dog? What kind of dog
would you get? And he said one with stage four
cancer because I love it real well for about two
weeks and then I wouldn't have to take care of
it anymore. Wow, which I appreciated the humor and his honesty.

(51:25):
But a year after he passed, we got a dog
and that's been wonderful too. So all those little changes
we honored him right in a lot of ways. And
we got quilts that you know, had his different clothes
that he wore. We made Daddy quilts so that we
each have one of those in the memories my kids.
My oldest is now going high school next year and
he can fitness some of his dad's clothes and he

(51:46):
wore Dad's leather jacket to his middle school graduation.

Speaker 2 (51:49):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (51:50):
Like we have these things we celebrate. There's pictures of
Dad in the house still, even though I've remarried, there's
still pictures of Dad in the house.

Speaker 2 (51:55):
I was just gonna say that, Like I said, let's
talk about lear now, because you had to find your
elf who is she today? Because you had that, that
was what built you into the woman that you are, yes,
and so now you it brought you into a whole
new relationship. Sure, now you know what to look for,

(52:15):
the signs, what you don't want and all of that,
and talk about Leah, Okay, who are you today? What
do you want today? What do you want for the future.
We're talking about you now because as a mother, we nurture, nurture, nurture, nurture, nurture,

(52:36):
our kids grow out of the house, and we're still
in that space. But what I realize is you need Yes,
you got your clarity, you got your power back, you
got your remote back. But again, you might be in
the sec a relationship, but certain things can repeat if
you didn't.

Speaker 3 (52:52):
Feel yes, ma'am. Yes, And that's something that we have
had to be very cognizant of it. I have very
very aware of going forward. And you know, one of
the things that I told my now husband early on
is this is who I am. I'm a lionist kind

(53:13):
of woman. Like I'm out there. I have a public personality.
I'm on podcast, I write books, I have a YouTube channel.
I'm a teacher, so I'm very public there. I'm a talker,
I'm a I'm fiery, right, I have not a temper
but fire. As far as personality, yes, and I'm not
going to back down on that. Like, this is who

(53:34):
I am. And this is like first or second date.
We were talking and I said, I need you to
not need me, right, because if you need me. This
is not going to work if you are looking to
because this is who I'm going to be this and
I don't care what you do with you because I
want you to be the fullest, best version of your
SLF right right, and you're and he is a very

(53:56):
different person.

Speaker 2 (53:57):
Basically, what you were saying is, don't hinder, don't become
a barrier, don't become a stumbling block, don't block my path.
It's not that you don't want to be there for him,
because obviously that's the whole point of being in a relationship.
But the thing is you want to be you without
this person feeling that they're so dependent on you, pulling

(54:18):
you back to your previous relationship of having to be
in that position of being the mediator, being a coach,
being you know all of this, but you want to
pour into me because I've been pouring. Let's pour into
each other. Let's reciprocate this when I'm happy, Let's be
happy together and not become you know, a problem.

Speaker 3 (54:42):
Absolutely, Yeah, it's like each other's cheerleaders. And I'm gonna
be your cheerleader, and I'm gonna cheer you on in
your dreams and whatever you want to do. I'm gonna
back you, support you to whatever I need to do
the same for me. And I'm not here to serve
you and meet your needs anymore. Yeah, we're here to
help each other, right, We're gonna be co partner, mate, Yes,

(55:04):
and we're gonna serve God together. And if you're in
here and in this, to serve God together with the
rest of our lives, because all I want, doctor Lynn,
you asked me, and this is what I prayer to God.
Long before I met my husband. At this point, I
wasn't planning on dating for another still four or five
years in the future. God surprised me had other plans,
but at the time I was not planning on it.

(55:25):
And I say, God, I want to walk through the
world without that ego and just love and serve people
and let the Holy Spirit just work through me and
just love and take care of people. That's what I
want to do with the rest of my life. But
what does that look like, Well, that looks like taking
care of myself too, Because if I'm gonna take care
of me, you know what are we doing? And it

(55:46):
means not going you know this little late of mine. Right,
We're not putting under a bushel basket. We're not gonna
cower because someone feels afraid of our light.

Speaker 2 (55:56):
Like I want to live. I don't want to just exist.
I want to live my life. I want to be spontaneous.

Speaker 3 (56:04):
Yes, and I love my husband is absolutely supportive of me.
And there are moments that he has been fine, but
that I go down that path just a little bit
where I feel like I need to ask permission for now,
you know, statistics like today I needed to check in
with him about the change in the interview time, right.

Speaker 2 (56:26):
I mean, I'm a relationship. Something's going to happen that
that not in the know of. Hey, there's something I
need to do, but I just need to let you
know what I need to do.

Speaker 3 (56:36):
But as I told you, this is going to be
fine because I know him and he's but I just
want to be courteous, you know. But no, but there
is but there are some things of I'm doing this
and I need to do it, and I know he's
going to say yes. But there are still those moments
where I think, well, maybe I shouldn't ask for that,
Maybe that's asking too much, or maybe I shouldn't ask

(56:58):
him to help with this that or the thing around
the house. I should just you know, I should just
handle it right. And then I stabbed myself. I said, WHOA,
is this a pattern you want to go down?

Speaker 2 (57:07):
Right?

Speaker 3 (57:08):
Are you? Are you gonna empower him or are you
gonna emasculate him? Because when you're going to just go
do everything for him just because you think that's a
nice thing to do, that's not helping anything. When you're
just gonna power and say, well, I'm not gonna do
this because I'm stepping on your toes. Maybe no, No,
we when we are fullest and best selves and we're
just enjoying each other's company and we're being feer leaders,

(57:31):
and that is a It is totally different. It's a
God's centered the relationship and that's what I have now.
And to be clear, it's not the person. And it's
so funny is I've seen that it's not the person
that made the difference. My Brett and my current husband
who I'm going to keep anonymous but my name, but

(57:52):
you know, they are honestly not that different. The difference
is the healing DIF difference is that we know how
to live and have our.

Speaker 2 (58:05):
Minds renewed and the list it, that's it, you know,
to walk together and that's what you need. That's what
you need when you're on this journey of renewal, this
journey of healing. The person in your life also have
to be on that path so they don't pull you
back into a place that you don't want to go into,
because unfortunately sometimes that happen. People end up sometimes getting

(58:27):
into a worse off situation. Whether they said, you know what,
I should have just stayed single. I should have stayed
by myself if this is what's happening. So that's always
say if people are going to remarry or go in
with your eyes open, go and heal. Do not come
into another relationship until you've healed, you've dealt with all
of your issues. I know healing is continuous, but those

(58:49):
major things have to be reckoned. You know, you have
to look in the mirror and fix it before you
bring someone else in because it's just going to continue
being a continuous cycle. So we have about to end here, Leah,
and you've been a great guests, great guest here on
the podcast, and I want everybody to know how they

(59:12):
can connect with you. Now, where can they find your books?
Before we disconnect.

Speaker 3 (59:16):
You hither at the of the Jordan's Birth on Amazon
and Barnes. It's okay to be Okay, I only have
on Amazon at this point, maybe Burns and Noble, fingers crossed.
I'll get her one to doing that. And the best
way to connect with me is through my website, the
Contemplative Christian dot com. I'll say that again, The Contemplative

(59:39):
Christian dot com and.

Speaker 2 (59:41):
That Contemplative Christian dot com. All those links will be
in the description, so you'll be able to connect. If
you find a relatable tell her that you saw her
on Emerging and Power and you love the story and
whatever it is you want to say, if she blessed you,
if whatever she brought into your life, to not be silent,

(01:00:01):
all right, we are no longer in silence. We got
to say it. Healing allows you to voice and not
be ashamed of expressing yourself. Okay, So we're going to
close at this time, and Leiah, I really thank you
so much for being here on the podcast on today. Everyone.
I want to thank you to every one of you.
If you connect, connect, connect, connect, stay connected, and Bill

(01:00:22):
Bill Bill Bill, subscribe, subscribe, subscribe, subscribe. I won't get
tired of your subscriptions, and I won't get tired of
your views. That's how we can move around the world globally.
We've had people from Australia, we have people calling in
from Poland, we have people calling in from Ghana. All right,
so all around the world. Remember also we have emerged

(01:00:45):
and power. As much as we would like to have
the bilingual segment that comes on Saturdays, we would love
to have you here to share your stories for those
who too have a story to tell but they don't
speak English. If it is bout, bring an interpret. If
you speak real, I'm here. I'm your girl, because we
want to tell these stories because you still can read

(01:01:07):
someone who is going through doesn't matter what language, because
guess what, all around the world, we're all feeling the
same things, going through the same emotions. It doesn't matter
what continent you're on. As long as you're human, someone
is going through exactly what you're going through right now,
what you went through yesterday. So you are not in

(01:01:27):
this alone. Don't give up. Don't give up, So ley up.
Before we close out, I would like for you to
just come back here and just close off for us
in prayer. Whatever the Holy Spirit put on your heart.
Let us just flow into this segment right now.

Speaker 3 (01:01:42):
All right, dear guy, thank you so much for this
amazing group of believers who want something more for their lives.
They don't want to stay bound, they don't want to
stay in their chains. Lord Jesus, we want to be free.
We want to be free to love you and to
serve you. We want the complete peace. The pass is

(01:02:07):
all understanding, that joy that no one can take away.
And we can only have that, Dear Lord, when we
surrender to You, to your will for our life, and
when we are ready and willing to say not my
way anymore. Your way, God, show me the path to healing.
Help me to let go of the control of the

(01:02:29):
bitterness of the pain, and to walk into the light
and to trust you completely with everything that we have.

Speaker 2 (01:02:36):
Amen, Amen, Aben, thank you so much for being on here.
And everyone, let's show us some love in the comments
I put on the podcast wherever you're listening or watching from,
so always show my guests some love, because if I
was in your house, you will show me love. So
show my guest love. Okay, let them know, like yeah,

(01:02:58):
all right, put them hearts Okay, and put those comments
in and thank you so much, Lea. Until next time,
everyone stay tuned because there's always more. Bye bye, okay,