Shemergence: Session 1 - Unworthy When Worth Wasn’t Felt - Emerge & Empower Podcast TV

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Emerge and Empower podcast TV, a platform where
resilience meets transformation. Here we amplify voices that have faced trials, trauma,
and adversity, stories that inspire hope, healing, and empowerment. Every
episode brings raw, unfiltered conversations with individuals who have risen

(00:21):
from hardship, embracing faith, strength and purpose. Join us as
we break the silence, uplift one another and emerge stronger together.
New episodes air Wednesdays at six pm English and Saturdays
at six pm, with select Saturdays in Creole for our
Haitian audience.

Speaker 2 (00:47):
Hello and welcome everyone. Welcome, Welcome to Emerge and Empower.
As you know, we are here usually weekly on Wednesdays,
but this is especially it is the She Mergins Virtual Conference.
All Right, you've heard a lot about it. You've seen
a lot of ads, you've seen a lot of flyers

(01:08):
and do We have a lot of people that have
called us in and said yes, I would like to
be a part of this platform.

Speaker 3 (01:17):
So on today we are going to dive in.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
This is our first Tuesday, Yes, our first Tuesday in
this series. As we'll have different individuals that will be
coming on and we're just going to be in the room. Okay,
We're going to be comfortable and we hear the talk
to share our experiences. And yes, you you still have
an opportunity to fill in one of those empty seats

(01:42):
in each of these rooms and just come on in
and share your story. How you can do that, just
reach out to she Mergens info at gmail dot com.
She mergents info at gmail dot com and we'll be able.

Speaker 3 (01:57):
To chat with you and just you on in.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
Now, if you were a previous guest, you already know
what to do, all right, you already know what to do.
Come on in, Come on in, because there's exciting news
leading up to all of these Tuesdays that are leading
into September.

Speaker 3 (02:15):
Beat news, right, that's coming up.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
So I want to start off with you she Mrgins right,
many of you might have not seen it, but she
Emrgins basically is the story, the story, my story of
my emergence. And the very first book that I wrote
was called she Mrgents. I am she that. It's a
memoir of my childhood that took everyone through my childhood experiences.

(02:38):
And wow, what a tremendous feedback I've had men and
women that has reached out and actually had moments to come.
So many Okay, while they have read this book and said,
you know what, I finally feel like I can talk
about it, and I would like for you to be
that person that I can share it with. Okay, So

(03:00):
not only that, I am about to launch my ninth book,
ninth book in five years. The first book came out
in twenty twenty, and it was like more and more
and more and more, and people say, what's part two?

Speaker 3 (03:14):
What's part three?

Speaker 4 (03:15):
All right?

Speaker 2 (03:16):
So this one might not be what everyone would expect,
but it still would have everyone gasping and wanting more.

Speaker 3 (03:23):
And here is our logo. There it is.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
This is the Shemrgins logo and you will see that
on all of the books and all the things that
are that are happening. And so you can also get
yourself one of these T shirts. All right, we have
it in the white, we have it also in the black.

Speaker 3 (03:43):
Yay, all right, she mergons.

Speaker 2 (03:47):
Still, it's just like the Wewa. You're used to the
WEWA logo where it's the face of two women in
the butterfly, but in this case, now it is the
woman in the center.

Speaker 3 (03:57):
Of the butterfly.

Speaker 2 (03:58):
And so this is the journey of it all, and
this is the mentorship, the mentorship for those who have
gone through traumatic experience. And I coach you with our
mentorship book as a mentorship guide and you'll be able
to connect on any time. Right, so just reach out
to she emergents info at gmail dot com. Again she

(04:21):
emergents info at gmail dot com. So what we're doing
on today, We're going to dive right in and bring
in our ladies, bringing our guests and we'll go come
right back to our group at this time. So let's
just take you to a short break. Get ready, are
you ready?

Speaker 3 (04:40):
Let's go.

Speaker 5 (04:53):
That I do understanding my him and that's when I
realized that it's not you don't know what you don't
have to tell, realize.

Speaker 6 (05:10):
What is a part?

Speaker 5 (05:11):
Because and more treated literally like that children what Sam?
But I thank God more fo goot than the journey.
If you have a red Book one, you have to
read one to make sense because it's a.

Speaker 7 (05:25):
No, it's see one because there will be a three
day after. I was trying to surprise it all any
but it didn't make sense.

Speaker 8 (05:34):
To all the ship basically talk about one time there
about like what I still went arrival.

Speaker 5 (05:44):
Was not a single relatory who was not my first
charming story. It was a sightle that we kept going
and I had to wake up earth.

Speaker 3 (05:52):
So I live to tell the story.

Speaker 7 (05:54):
Because I couldn't have the women that are decided, people
that are out there for usually you don't know their story.

Speaker 5 (06:01):
No little girl got up and I just said, okay,
I'm gonna be most. I want to do the industry.
I want to sell the no money, wait some one.

Speaker 9 (06:11):
It is just takes to me to people have that
puss things, so get up apping. So as a Christian
for the wone, you must be great giving the people.

Speaker 5 (06:22):
So something happens.

Speaker 7 (06:24):
Sometimes I'm watching a lot of asking the the young lady,
that's all they wanted to be able to help the family.

Speaker 5 (06:31):
That was the rock that she could take all right
to these journeys.

Speaker 3 (06:37):
My hard.

Speaker 7 (06:38):
I was suicidal until I was twenty eight years old,
and that's when I.

Speaker 5 (06:42):
Give myself everybody here half the one to live.

Speaker 7 (06:46):
Maybe what I say after one to be well, but
that's basically need the journey.

Speaker 5 (06:51):
I'm glowing now. I try to feed it the purpose
and I created the one.

Speaker 9 (06:55):
Past one come and get together.

Speaker 5 (06:59):
Excuse more so, thank you because promotion for the e

(07:28):
give it for a moment.

Speaker 3 (07:32):
Change, he did it. And welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome.

Speaker 2 (07:45):
Let's welcome our beautiful audience and our beautiful women that
I hear today for this interview segment as we are
running through the She Mergents Virtual Conference. Welcome Pamela, Welcome Brenda,
and welcome Mommina.

Speaker 6 (08:01):
Ladies, let's say hi, Hi, hello everyone, Hello everybody, Hey, hey, hey,
So we excited here on today and this is a
space for real conversations as we dive in today, and
real voices that have often been silent, but we are
breaking the silence together.

Speaker 3 (08:21):
Are you guys excited? Yes, very much.

Speaker 4 (08:25):
So all right.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
I get so animated when it's about helping each other.
I get animated about helping people, wanting people get on
the front row seat of their life.

Speaker 3 (08:35):
I get just animated about it.

Speaker 2 (08:37):
So we're gonna come right in and before we go further, ladies,
I would like each one of you to introduce yourself,
tell people who you are, whatever it is you'd like
to intro also where you're located as well, so they
know that we are definitely you know what reaching. Okay,
so we're gonna start here with Pamela.

Speaker 4 (08:57):
Hello him. Pamela from Gainesville, Florida. I lead a nonprofit there,
Great to Overcome, where we advocate well being, holistic health prevention,
and advancing youth wellness. The CEO and Sheep Research Officer

(09:17):
just invested in our mission, rooted in hope, helping others,
p too excellence in wellness and overcoming.

Speaker 3 (09:27):
Wow Wow, Welcome.

Speaker 2 (09:28):
Welcome Pamela, Welcome, Welcome to she Merchants Virtual Conference.

Speaker 3 (09:33):
We're going to go right over to Mamina.

Speaker 10 (09:38):
Hello everyone.

Speaker 11 (09:39):
I would like to thank doctor Linda for organizing this
and I'm so happy to be here with hell.

Speaker 5 (09:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 10 (09:50):
So a little bit about me. I'm Mamina Das.

Speaker 11 (09:53):
I live in Harrisburg, North Carolina, and I work with autism.
I just want to say autism because nowadays they are
just saying autism so that we don't disrespect anybody, so
that we don't start accepting it as a disorder. But
it is just a condition, and we are trying to

(10:15):
accept more and more and making it more playful and
help them, you know. So I learned working with autistic
children that we don't compete, we don't compete with others.
We just focus on our interest area and we learn.

Speaker 3 (10:35):
That's it.

Speaker 11 (10:35):
It's as simple as that. And I love them. I
love to be with them, I love working with them.
I leave my childhood with them, I play with them.
They have taught me to love better and I'm committed
to love them better.

Speaker 3 (10:52):
Thank you so much. Listen.

Speaker 2 (10:55):
That's why I say everyone out here have turned their
pain into purpose and they are life and testimonies and
the lives that you ladies have touched. Let's go over
to Brenda. Brenda, of course, is not a stranger to
emerge and empower. So Brenda, Welcome to the She Emergents
Virtual Conference.

Speaker 12 (11:12):
Hi, thank you so much for hosting us all.

Speaker 3 (11:14):
Thank you.

Speaker 12 (11:15):
I love being here, I love being part of your community.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
I'm just so grateful.

Speaker 4 (11:20):
I work with.

Speaker 12 (11:22):
Really intuitive, empathic, compassionate people who have chosen a career
centering other people, and I help them feel safer to take.

Speaker 3 (11:32):
Care of themselves.

Speaker 12 (11:34):
So I work with a lot of doctors, educators, nurses, therapists, nonprofits,
helping them to manage their empathy. Because if we have
unmanaged empathy, a lot of times we can end up
people pleasing and that people pleasing is so exhausting, especially
if you are sensitive and intuitive and empathic.

Speaker 3 (11:55):
So that's the work that I do.

Speaker 12 (11:58):
I am almost entirely, but I'm based in Portland.

Speaker 2 (12:01):
Oregon, Okay, Oregon or again, so again, ladies, welcome, welcome.
You saw the ad and you said yes to be
able to come on this platform so that we could
just dive in. Now the whole meaning for me when
it comes into the she Mergens experience. As I said
in the beginning, it started with my own emergence. I

(12:22):
knew for sure that I had a story to tell,
but it was not a story that was for the public. Initially,
it was just a story like a memoir to leave
with my children when I was, you know, dead and gone.
You know, here is what I went through, YadA, YadA, YadA,
and left that for them. But what I also realized,
and if you deal with children, you realize you have
to be upfront and open. Don't say hey, don't do

(12:45):
this and not tell them why not to do it.
So I have always taught them, you know, as they
go through the process in their lives, and I understand
the stages do that they go through so they can
go through it.

Speaker 3 (12:57):
You know, people talk about terrible tools. I didn't have
terrible tools.

Speaker 2 (13:00):
I had creative children at two years old that were
learning and exploring, and I would explore with them, just
like Momina said, because now you know, you open up
for them to be able to learn. So but for me,
I don't know life without trauma right from a little girl.
My father left when I was like a year old,

(13:22):
like a year and a half old, so my mom
had to raise and believe it or not, in three
years she had three children. Okay, So me and my
sister are eleven months apart, okay, and then my brother
comes right after. So in three years she had three children.
So can you imagine a single mother with all these
children underage?

Speaker 3 (13:42):
And so she went through a lot in order to
take care of us, and so doing it open up doors.

Speaker 2 (13:49):
When a father figure isn't in your life, a lot
of harm, a lot of things happened, Whereas even if
he was not living in the house, his presence and
people knowing that he was around have been a shelter
of protection. I was watching something on YouTube where a
guy who was a predator, and he said how he
prayed on these children. He looked to see if they

(14:12):
had father, if they had parents that cared for them.
So basically I was statistically someone that they found that
there was no covering and nobody, you know, they don't matter.
So all of these things happened, and I was like, wow,
when I look at that, I said, I was left uncovered,
all right, unprotected, and a lot of things happened.

Speaker 3 (14:34):
But in the journey of healing.

Speaker 2 (14:37):
What I find is healing is not overnight, and we
go through a lot as we heal, we go through
rejection first of all, harder on ourselves, low self estim
can you imagine me that's all glammed the doll up,
having low self esteem. I was low self esteem for
almost ever in my life and but thankfully what I

(15:00):
find with healing is healing opens you up for joy.
You want to be happy, you want to smile, you
want to you no longer live in gloom. I would
find the darkest, most boringest things to where you know,
I wouldn't really care to do my hair because for me,
the more I did things, I was drawing attention that

(15:22):
I didn't want. Right, So I was like, I'm gonna
bring any you know, unwanted attention, whether it was in
the way I look. So a lot of people you
might see them today, they look a certain way and
you might wonder, well, you know, you work, you got
a job, why you're looking this way?

Speaker 3 (15:38):
Why?

Speaker 2 (15:39):
Because whatever it is that we take as a defense
mechanism or a wall that we build, we are building
these based on these experiences that we have had in
our lives or the environment that you live in. So
I realized I was also a product of my environment.

(16:00):
All of that was happening, you know, socially as well.
Even though back then it was in the eighties early eighties,
no one talked about these things. If it happened, you
didn't know about it, You didn't hear about it. It
was always hush hush under the table. You know, no
one wanted to say, you know, so and so did this.
And when we find out early seventies eighties, there was

(16:20):
a lot of people that were losing their lives and
nobody knew if they say serial killer this, that, and
what was happening.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
People were being traumatized.

Speaker 2 (16:28):
It was the neighbor next door, it was somebody in
the church, it was somebody in your home, uncle, father.
You understand all of these you had predators everywhere and
you couldn't talk about it, and a lot of people
have lost their lives as a result. So now we
have a platform where we could have conversations right and
be real and really talk about this. Someone might say

(16:49):
to someone, well, why did it take so long for
you to want to come and tell your story?

Speaker 3 (16:53):
All right, it takes time. Some people are not ready.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
The shaming, you know, you name it, the experiences that
people go through as to why I didn't want to talk.
In my case, by eight years old, I did tell.
But guess what, the situation did not change. Instead, I
ended up leaving the environment. I left home to go
be with my aunt. Okay, while you know, everybody stayed
back with this predator. So it was like now thereafter

(17:17):
everything that happened after that is like why tell? Nothing
was done?

Speaker 3 (17:22):
You understand.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
So in that the low self esteem came in. I
start feeling that I was not worthy. And this is
what this book three is about. It's called unholy at
the table. I felt that I was not worthy to sit,
to move, to have friends. I don't know if anybody's
been there. I didn't feel like I sit in you know,

(17:46):
I felt like I was in the wrong family, you
name it. I went through all of this, right, But
for me, as I take people to this particular journey,
this journey is in relation to my experience as the child, right,
already low self esteem, already feeling abandoned, not love, and
then I go into a church environment because I'm expecting love.

(18:08):
That's a place where people talk about Jesus and the love,
and they's supposed to be a better atmosphere.

Speaker 3 (18:14):
Right.

Speaker 2 (18:14):
Well, later on I discovered the person that I saw
as the father figures as my dad wasn't in my
life then he himself, you know, was someone that took
advantage of children. I was in privated that at the time.
But I remember wanting to get baptized. And I've been
teaching Sunday school, assisting the little kids, right.

Speaker 9 (18:36):
I love.

Speaker 2 (18:36):
That's why I could connect with you, Momina about the children.
I loved teaching and that was my place and my comfort.
So I was always pouring into kids. I'm seven and
I'm teaching nine, ten, twelve, right, and it continues this way.
So I'm eleven, They're talking about baptism, and I want
to get baptized. In the pastor said nope, you're too
young twelve, I asked again, Nope, you're too young thirteen

(18:58):
every year for baptism and it didn't happen. So at
fifteen I go back and say, well, I'm fifteen. Now
I'm in high school. Then I guess I should be
ready for baptism. Well, that moment that I went into
the pastor's office was when now I experience firsthand who
he truly was. Okay, and ran out of his office

(19:23):
and said, you know what, forget it. I'm not asking
about this church thing. I know God is real, but
these people are faith.

Speaker 4 (19:29):
You know.

Speaker 2 (19:29):
It didn't push me away from God, but it made
me weary of let's say, those who say they're an authority,
because everyone that's supposed to love me hurt me. Everyone
that said they cured really didn't. So I start putting
up this wall like I'm not letting anybody in. Nope,

(19:52):
I got a shelter that And so that's where my
unworthiness started to feel, because I was told too many
times you're nothing, will never be anything, You'll never amount
to anything. That same pastor, when I met my husband,
we were still talking, literally told me because my husband
was driving the church bus at the time, and I

(20:12):
sat in the front row. There was a lady who
wanted the front seat. She ran in and complained to
him and said, oh, she's Linda's in the front seat.
He came out in the front of the church bus
filled with about eighteen people and said, get down. Who
told you that you are worthy of deserving it? Can
you imagine?

Speaker 3 (20:29):
Okay?

Speaker 2 (20:30):
And at this time, I'm like sixteen years old, all right,
And he said to me, you will never have anything
in your life. You will never even own a bicycle
to think that you have right to sit in somebody's car.

Speaker 3 (20:47):
Can you imagine?

Speaker 2 (20:47):
I'm in front of everyone. I felt so embarrassed. I
was like, oh my god, this is the worst of
the worst, okay. And so from that point on, that
environment was I just felt like I was not safe.
I came in because of the children taught Sunday school.

(21:08):
When Sunday school was over, I sat in the far
back of the church. Couldn't wait for church to be over.
There were times that I didn't even come in and
I would call someone to take over.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
So these are the different aspects of it. So I
went through life feeling unworthy.

Speaker 2 (21:24):
I went through life until I was twenty eight years old, suicidal,
and the only reason why I didn't have myself because
I kept hearing one of the ten commandments, thou shalt
not guilt, right, And I loved God enough that I
didn't want to suffer more in my after life, right,
So that stayed with me and I said, okay, but

(21:47):
it's got to get better than this. So coming unto eighteen,
I never saw myself being my age because the way
the trajectory of my life was going, I did not
like I would live past eighteen. In truth, I never
saw my life past eighteen. So that's the last age.

(22:09):
It was like, if I get to eighteen, at least
now I'm growing, you know, I can start doing my
own thing. I can now leave, you know, stuff, coming
to the church, you know, choose where I want to
go because now eighteen says you're an adult, so I
can make certain decisions and not feel false to do
something right. And now look at my life today, right,

(22:31):
and we always so in tears, but we got to
reap enjoy today.

Speaker 3 (22:39):
I'm happy.

Speaker 2 (22:40):
But even though I got married, had children, I still
wasn't happy because I never addressed that little girl. I
never address her pains. I never addressed everything that she
was going through, and I had a muzzle on everything.
I didn't share anything. I went through so much to
that point, I tell you, I was six years old

(23:01):
and left for rape, to left for dead. Right, that
was never shared with anybody.

Speaker 10 (23:06):
You know.

Speaker 2 (23:07):
I couldn't because my environment did not make me feel safe,
protected or love. So it wasn't until I wrote my
book in twenty twenty, right in the midst of COVID
all right, that a lot of people, even those who
were supposed to be counselors, reached out and were apologizing.

(23:27):
I should have seen the signs you always withdrawn, and
you know, all of these things. So later on they
come to me with it, you know. But for me,
I'm glad that it finally happened. But it took a journey.
It wasn't until I was thirty five. Now I thought
I was done. I ignored it enough, so it's done.
Thirty five, I'm triggered back to that little girl. One day,

(23:51):
my husband reached for me, and it's probably two AM,
and I went to that little girl. I started crying.
I started and shaking. I couldn't believe I was here,
like I have kids, now, I have a life, like
why am I here? But still all this time, never
feeling wordy even though I was a wife, still didn't

(24:12):
feel wordy because I married an arcissist, of course, so
I never felt like, oh, well, who do you think
you are?

Speaker 4 (24:17):
I made you?

Speaker 3 (24:18):
You know, all of this I went through.

Speaker 2 (24:19):
All of this continues continually in my life. So at
thirty five, I'm triggered, and now I have to deal
with her. But dealing with her now means I have
to stop being a yes woman. I have to stop
being the yes woman. I have to stop like whatever
I say, why are you wearing that dress? I had

(24:39):
to take the dress off because he didn't like it?
Why did you fix your hair that way?

Speaker 3 (24:43):
Who told you?

Speaker 10 (24:43):
You know?

Speaker 3 (24:44):
All of these things I had to like hold on.

Speaker 2 (24:47):
So when I look back at those first eighteen years
of marriage, I saw like I was in a zombifiede state,
Like whatever was told, I was robot okay, always apologizing,
always saying I'm sorry for that I didn't do, because
I kept saying I'm not deserving, I'm not worthy. So
I'm taking this also into church. I'm taking this also

(25:10):
into ministry. I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy. So I'm
taking this even to the communion table, even though even
though I know God says, come unto him. You know,
the table is set, but I'm still feeling I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy, I'm not deserving, Okay, And that is

(25:33):
why we are here today, because in this platform, we
are going to dive right in to those moments that
you two went through an experience like this. All right,
so we're gonna go and start right off. I'll give
you all a moment because I know I said a lot,
So let's take a moment, two.

Speaker 3 (25:54):
Breed. Let me just let us have a cup of coffee.
We'll come right by.

Speaker 2 (25:58):
Let's go to a cup of coffee because listen to me, Yeah,
that deserves coffee, and we'll come back for conversation.

Speaker 13 (26:06):
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Speaker 3 (27:07):
Feel all right? So we just had some coffee.

Speaker 2 (27:11):
All right, We just have some coffee, and now we're
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just hit me up, because indeed it's a great coffee,
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Speaker 3 (27:21):
All right, So we're gonna dive right in.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
All right, I'm gonna start with Momina here and the
question goes, have you ever felt unworthy of healing?

Speaker 10 (27:35):
So thank you very much for sharing.

Speaker 11 (27:37):
Actually, and I was actually listening, and I would like
to congratulate you for wherever you are today, and I'm
very happy to listen to your story that you are
able to come out of that environment and let people
know that you can really build yourself.

Speaker 10 (28:00):
Yes, you can be you can emerge. Let me tell
that you can emerge. You can emerge, you can emerge,
and you have made it possible. So congratulation on that.

Speaker 3 (28:11):
Thank you so much.

Speaker 10 (28:12):
And I was not expecting it was late. I know.

Speaker 3 (28:21):
That's why I said, let's go to.

Speaker 2 (28:22):
Coffee break so everybody could just come down, because I
took you all too many emotions here, so we didn't
go right in. You know, like I said, because we've
gone into this place, I don't think there's anyone watching
me on today that too has not even gone through
such a feeling of feeling unworthy, unworthy of love, unworthy
of healing. So take us to a moment possibly that

(28:46):
you were in such a space.

Speaker 10 (28:50):
Yes, definitely.

Speaker 11 (28:51):
I mean there are moments, like so many moments, but
I will start from my childhood because in childhood I never.

Speaker 10 (28:59):
Knew something healing, you know, I never knew that.

Speaker 11 (29:02):
I only knew that if I am able to get
good sleep, I can eat my food, I can breathe easy,
I can play with my friends, I can be joyful.

Speaker 4 (29:10):
That's it.

Speaker 11 (29:11):
That was the definition of childhood for me when I
grew up, and then when as we grew up, we
started to get into this whole system of education, getting
good grades, getting to good school, college, and facing so
many different teachers, you know, so many different teachers, and

(29:31):
they are really impactful in your life. How they see you,
how they perceive you. Because your parents are always supporting
you or not supporting you, but your teacher they see
a different perspective of you, you know, so sometimes they
can totally turn your life around in a positive way
and in a negative way also. So I had one

(29:53):
teacher I want to say that I want to also
thank her because if I was not triggered, I wouldn't
have reacted.

Speaker 10 (30:00):
I wouldn't have.

Speaker 11 (30:01):
Had my melt down, break down, anger, coming home, yelling
and saying stuff.

Speaker 10 (30:07):
And then she told me that she wanted an answer.

Speaker 11 (30:13):
The way she explained to us, you know, and I
did not write the same that she expected, and I
got less marks.

Speaker 10 (30:23):
And then when I.

Speaker 11 (30:24):
Took the notebook home, my parents signed, and then my
father asked, what's the matter.

Speaker 10 (30:29):
Why why did you get this much less in your subject?
I said, I'm not very happy with that teacher because
she told me she wants to she wants me to
write what she is expecting. How do I know what
is in her mind?

Speaker 11 (30:48):
How is it possible she has given me an idea
and something came to me. So I wrote what I
was thinking. And I will never change my words, never
change my words, even though so I'm getting this mark
in my subject, I am happy.

Speaker 10 (31:04):
You tell me, should I be writing what she wants?
Or should I just stick to what I want? What
I understood? My father was like, no, that's fine, but
don't be disrespectful. So I'm like, okay.

Speaker 11 (31:18):
Then the second term, I wrote my words, same teacher,
same teacher.

Speaker 10 (31:24):
She gave twenty four out of twenty five, you know,
six months.

Speaker 11 (31:30):
Within six months, she completely knew that I'm not going
to write a single word that she is saying.

Speaker 10 (31:36):
So that's how I started being myself. And I also
understood that she doesn't like me. That doesn't matter. That
doesn't matter because I'm happy what I'm writing.

Speaker 11 (31:47):
And this idea that everybody has to like you was
unfolded very early in my life.

Speaker 10 (31:54):
You know, and I started to be comfortable with that.

Speaker 11 (31:57):
I used to go home and say, share everything, and
I used to say that I'm okay if she doesn't
like me or they don't like me. So I had
a different childhood, That's what I'm trying to say. And
it has stayed with me until now. You know that
one thing that and I think that is really big
because nowadays children I work with autistic children.

Speaker 10 (32:21):
And I totally feel it when there is indifference.

Speaker 11 (32:24):
You know, they are like putting them aside, or they
are like that kid is delayed, he will take some
more time lining up.

Speaker 10 (32:32):
Maybe he's needing more attention while transitioning. Well, I'm there
for that. I'm there for that.

Speaker 11 (32:38):
I understand your pressure as a teacher. You have twenty
one children in the classroom and you are understaffed always.

Speaker 10 (32:45):
So I am there for the child. Just that don't perceive.

Speaker 11 (32:49):
Accept him the way you are thinking of him. You know,
you can just put a smile and say, Okay, he
can take five more minutes.

Speaker 4 (32:56):
That's it. That is it.

Speaker 6 (32:58):
That is it.

Speaker 10 (32:59):
The world is not going to crash, right right, That's
not the end of the world. So that realization helps
me be more human, you know, more than gender, color, race, sex, whatever.
That just makes me so.

Speaker 11 (33:13):
Human every day, every day, every day. I mean, I'm
so grateful for whatever has happened with me. I cannot
go back and fix my past, but I can cry, Yes,
I can cry.

Speaker 10 (33:24):
I can journey.

Speaker 11 (33:25):
I can share with my friends, I can share with
anybody who wants to listen to me. And I am
really happy that I was redirected with God's blessing to
work with this children.

Speaker 10 (33:38):
And I'm really happy. That's all I have to say.

Speaker 3 (33:40):
Thank you so much, thank you so much, thank you.

Speaker 2 (33:45):
All right, and thank you so much, Momina for sharing
that from a child's perspective of going through what you
went through as a child. And thankfully your parents too
understood what you were going through as a child, so
at least you had to support home instead of it
being the other way around. So now we are going
to go to Palm.

Speaker 4 (34:08):
Well, well, when I think back up, thank you doctor
Linda once for this opportunity and sharing your story. And
actually when I was last I was listening to you
and me Meana. It's part of why I found a
grace to overcome. You know, when I think of the
lasting negative effects of adversity but rooted in childhood and

(34:33):
how it it's not so much what's happening to us,
what's happening biologically inside of when things happen or don't happen,
and and especially if we don't aren't aware of it.
So when I think it back up felt unworthy of feeling.
I have to go back to childhood myself when I

(34:57):
think of always being a uplifting of a positive child
of athletes, always running all over the place, and and
a friend two others. I made friends easy, and it
always cared for people. You know, my brother used to say,

(35:22):
because I was very small, and they actually called me
nick name bones. And if I saw someone being kicked
on I was, I would go up and say, pick
on some of your own size, and and my brother
would say, who you? Whose size are you so? But
it was rooted, and I remember by youth when we
when I lived up north and when we moved to

(35:44):
the South, I was there was some feelings of I'm not.
It was difficult in the sense of people would say
things like I guess the pad why I spoke white girl?

(36:06):
And obviously I'm not and and I used to think
what is that about? Or in and sometimes feeling less
things like I wasn't valued as the person who I

(36:27):
who I was created to be from my own race,
and but I am always continue to be positive. But
I didn't realize that there was some that there were
some things that laid dormant in that and being put
in this little box rather race wise or or you

(36:52):
can do you know this. You know, I wasn't. I
was an athlete. I was really good in in track
and field, and but I and I always loved like
nutritian and wellness, and even as a child, I was
always uh uh, you know, focused on this you know,

(37:12):
food and nutrician and and wanting to be healthy. And
when we moved south, I used to think, wow, goodness,
Florida must be the pros to tow for deep pride
and breaded because there was there was so there was
such a you know, my when we grow up, my mom,
you know, we were cream of wheat people. And I

(37:35):
remember I was I used to hear this term with
food lines fat back, and I thought, what the world?
And I remember one time, which I excuse me, I
must have been fifteen, I said, what is that? And
I thought, why would someone want to ruin a perfectly
pot of vegetables with that? But and I wanted to

(37:57):
just share a variety of different ways to cook and
and and aid the body. But I felt like I
wasn't h fully known in in different areas of this

(38:18):
the who was pamsho? Who am I other than besides
the athlete? Who was I really besides this athlete? So
as I grew up and old and got older, I
was always purposeful.

Speaker 12 (38:37):
And you know.

Speaker 4 (38:41):
This, looking at other people for themselves and looking at
the best in them and wanting people to know who
you are makes the difference. And I see in you
value because if nothing else.

Speaker 6 (38:57):
We all.

Speaker 4 (38:59):
Are valuable. We all have value. And then to the
point of there was the two initiatives that invested in
I love our youth of the day, and what we
think and believe about ourselves matter and it's it's crudal
critical for our youth and their self development and their
their growth that they realize I see in you value, uh?

(39:25):
And what does that mean? And who you are makes
a difference. Your presence is more valuable than you know.
And so over the years where I you know, where
I felt I wasn't encouraged except through God and his

(39:48):
grace and his loving on me, that I was on
purpose going to make a point of encouraging others every
day and everything I do to be an encourag ridge
or uh to this day. If if I've been a
store or war bar and there's a precious dule, that's
why I call children and they passed by, especially if

(40:09):
they're with an adult. I'm say, can I tell them something?
And it's I'm good say, and I want you to
believe it. I see any value that it stands for, intentional, persistent,
nice and unique because they are and and I and
I and I asked them, I have these wrist bands
that I carry around, and I said, I want you
to read this out loud or your own ears can

(40:31):
hear it. And it says who you are makes a difference,
Because it does. And I didn't realize that being felt
less than a lot and and put in this box
actually traveled into my adulthood. And but but God's grace

(40:55):
through and and through how it how it it actually
through different illnesses and challenges, how all those pieces fit
together to create this beautiful puzzle though that God designed
in his plan and purpose for me to aid in

(41:18):
helping others through healing and restorating and finding their way
back to wholeness, to help children be strong, safe and
equipped for the long haul over the lifespan. So when
I say, actually, I think back, I felt unworthy at times.

(41:39):
But through God's revelation and grace, you know, I understand, Okay,
if he, if that allowed was allowed to happen in me,
to be able to encourage a multitude of their present

(42:00):
duels to not go through and even equip others from
teachers and parents that what we think and believe, what
we think and believe about ourselves is critical and for
our children, it's vital for them. For if all.

Speaker 3 (42:21):
Right, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
So again, it's some an experience in your childhood where
you felt unworthy and now today you want to pour
that whether you know the person or not, you want
to say that I see value in you because there
was that time in your life where you did not
feel worthy. And that's why we continue to say most

(42:44):
people who are working into that God given purpose driven life,
it came from a place of trauma.

Speaker 3 (42:52):
It came from a place of being.

Speaker 2 (42:54):
And you've seen it where a lot of people walk
away from corporate world making you know, six figure incomes,
but choose a life where they can pour into someone
because it's more fulfilling for them, right, so now we're
going to go over to Brenda. Okay, so we're repeat
the question again so that way we don't forget what

(43:14):
the question is. Have you ever felt unworthy of feeling?

Speaker 4 (43:20):
Oh?

Speaker 12 (43:20):
My answer is absolutely so. Your story and my story
are unique. But there's some parallel moments. And so I
had some childhood abuse that I disclosed and no one
believed me, and so I internalized that to think, oh,
it's because I'm not worthy of helping, like this other

(43:41):
person is worth more. And so that was definitely definitely
present in my mind all the way through childhood guided
me into a marriage where I still got to hang
on to that idea of unworthiness. And another interesting parallel
is I was thirty five and I decided that I
had had enough of that. And so, you know, like

(44:04):
the other the other ladies have shared, my mission is
directly connected to that because I feel like a big
part of the reason that I work with m paths
and intuitives and highly compassionate people is because I know
that I was caretaking on some level of the other adults,

(44:26):
because I could feel their pain, and I put that
ahead of my own needs even as a young child.
And so I think that when it comes to feeling worthiness,
obviously it's an inside job, but there are external influences, right,
There are different things that can impact us that might
make us think because this happened, maybe I'm not worthy

(44:48):
because they didn't listen to me.

Speaker 3 (44:50):
Maybe I'm not worthy.

Speaker 12 (44:51):
And so part of worthiness in my journey has been
choosing to believe what if I'm worthy?

Speaker 10 (45:01):
Right?

Speaker 3 (45:01):
And that's where it started.

Speaker 12 (45:02):
It was like, well, what if I really am worthy?
And then as soon as I asked that question, things
began to appear that mirrored that back, so that I
could feel myself in someone else and then use their
belief in my worthiness to bolster my own belief in
my own worthiness.

Speaker 5 (45:21):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (45:22):
Like I said, it takes a lot.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
And whenever you think about self worth, it starts off
from in childhood. You can go back to someone bullying
you at school, something that they said being tase right.
There are people who can still remember what someone did
to you in first grade or second grade, right, because
it was such a traumatic experience, right, and you carry

(45:48):
that because you said in your mind, like, well, I'm nothing,
I'm ugly.

Speaker 3 (45:53):
Right.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
It's one of the biggest words ugly, all right, And
we go through life and we keep altering. We live
in a in a a dispensation now where everyone is
trying to alter, you know, edit what God has created
in their lives because they don't feel beautiful enough right enhandsing,

(46:16):
you know, changing. We have identity crisis and it still
stems off with that experience as a child, something that
was said or did to you that now you're still
living out, you know, into your adult holes. So I'm
giving everybody the chance an opportunity today to go back, release,

(46:37):
forgive that young person, forgive your young self, and forgive
the person who said or did to you, because only
then you can truly get in the front row seat
of your life. Only then you can truly start enjoying
your life. Right, there are parents, aunties, uncles who have
never spoken positively into your life. It's not just children,

(46:58):
adults all right who have spoken negatively in your life.

Speaker 3 (47:02):
And you you haven't forgotten what they said to you.

Speaker 2 (47:05):
And it was twenty years ago, it was thirty years ago,
you know, however old you are, but you still remember
it because it made you feel unworthy, right, and you
felt like, you know, I'm nobody, I can't amount to anything.
So We're gonna just pause right here because we have
D here as a new guest here on today. So, D,

(47:29):
we want to welcome you here to the She Mergents
Virtual Conference as we are talking about unworthiness and when
you didn't feel you know there was any word to
your life. But before we go to you with this question,
go ahead and introduce yourself to our audience and let
everyone know a little bit about you.

Speaker 14 (47:51):
Okay, Hi, ladies, welcome, thank you for coming here.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
I'm so happy.

Speaker 4 (47:55):
Hi.

Speaker 14 (47:56):
Hi, I'm D I'm a chef. I have my own
caring company. I've been doing this for a long time.
I fell in love with cooking. That's where I felt
like I'm stable. I like when I'm feeding people. I
see people eating my food and I feel alive. I

(48:19):
feel safe, and it makes me feel complete. So I
choose to cook because of that. I'm a mother, I
have three kids, and I run my own business.

Speaker 2 (48:31):
Wow wow, So that's commendable. We've been friends on social media.
She is a spiritual sister all right for a while.
We share the same birthday as well, and that's how
we connected on social media. So again, what we see
on social media doesn't tell our life. Those are usually
just little glimpses of our life. Someone could judge you

(48:54):
based on just what you post on social media and
they have no idea who you are on today. As
we're still in the first question, it talks about you
know at the moment that you feel unworthy of healing,
Can you take us to an experience where you was
made to feel you are not worthy?

Speaker 14 (49:14):
Actually it's on my adult life after I got married,
and there's things that I never experienced that it started
coming to me. And words people used to say to
me when I was a young kid, especially and you know,
the other side of my family, they always said, oh,
you're gonna have kids for so many father, You're not
this because they didn't like my mom.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
They used to talk really badly about me.

Speaker 14 (49:38):
They used to call me crazy, a lot of kind
of names they used to But I never let those
words really get to me when I was a kid.
But now when I get older as a mother, and
they started getting to me. Ifn on my business, if
I start something and I feel like nobody ever come
in support, and I feel like I just let go,
and I feel like, okay, every ding I'm doing everything,

(50:01):
but nobody really like support me. Nobody sees me. What
is it I'm doing wrong?

Speaker 3 (50:06):
Is it like?

Speaker 14 (50:08):
And I'm starting to question myself, is it because my
own father, like the problem I have with them, with
him and all those things. And it's just click And
I was like, am I doing something wrong? And I'll
go back and praying, and I God showed me what
I'm doing wrong. I need to fix it because even
though I'm on social media, I'm posting I'm not happy

(50:30):
and people be like, oh, she's doing this, she's doing that,
But you don't know what I'm going through on the
back of this, because I don't want people to see that.

Speaker 3 (50:37):
Nobody exactly see the will exactly.

Speaker 14 (50:40):
Yeah, nobody don't want to see by everybody that wants
to that, will you? You just want them to see, Okay,
this FORER a happy person, but nobody know what you're
fixing in life. And I've been going to a lot
question myself. Okay, am I worth all I'm doing? And
I'm doing all this and you know, I feel like
I'm not competing with nobody, but I feel like everybody

(51:01):
try to push me in a corner.

Speaker 3 (51:02):
Nobody believe on what I was doing.

Speaker 14 (51:05):
And there's one person that really boosts me up, believing
me and I love them.

Speaker 10 (51:11):
And I was like, okay, I don't have nowhere.

Speaker 5 (51:14):
I don't have nowhere to go.

Speaker 4 (51:15):
I don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 (51:17):
That's trauma in itself. That part is trauma. Grief is
also trauma in itself.

Speaker 14 (51:22):
Yes, And I've been dealing with that strama. I've been
dealing with it and it's it's not it. The whole
month of July is the month that the person passed,
and I've been dealing with it that thank you, and
nobody really understand what's going on.

Speaker 3 (51:38):
If he was like why did they acting?

Speaker 14 (51:39):
Sometimes somebody might post something, it's not they just need
somebody to greet child and.

Speaker 3 (51:44):
Say, what's going on?

Speaker 4 (51:45):
Are you okay?

Speaker 3 (51:45):
It's everything okay. So I've been going to that and I.

Speaker 14 (51:51):
Just feel like, no matter what I do, you know,
I never get a better result. And I'm like, okay,
I'm being I paused myself for a while now and
I don't.

Speaker 3 (52:01):
Post on social media.

Speaker 14 (52:02):
I just stay on my own to find out what's
going on. I have to go inside of me to
fight out it's something wrong. And I'll go to my
kids and I talk to them I don't know what
I'm doing wrong. I try everything and I just I'm
not getting any result. Everybody said, this is good, my
party is good.

Speaker 3 (52:20):
It's just like, for a.

Speaker 14 (52:21):
Moment after the moment, nobody sees me, what is it
that I'm doing wrong? And I start questioning myself And
I said, oh, maybe that's the reason my marriage now,
that's the reason this felling doing that we do we do? Yeah,
And I was like, maybe, Des, there isn't everything I'm
touching and I'm still not even still now try to

(52:41):
figure out.

Speaker 3 (52:42):
Okay, I want to be better.

Speaker 14 (52:43):
I want to be a better mom. I want and
my kids like, you're a great mom, and I don't
see that. And everybody said, I'm good. But it's just
like I can't really see it who I really am.
So that's what I'm dealing with and it's not even
I feel like everything. When I was a kid, I
didn't deal with them. Now they come and hunt me
and my while older.

Speaker 2 (53:05):
Those are called triggers, right, So that means there's a
lot that you still need to unpack. You need to
visit that young self that is you, right, So your
journey and you got to go backwards to move forward.
Let's put it that way. So you got to go
back and address those areas. Now, you are a beautiful woman,
you are a successful woman. If you're comparing your success

(53:28):
to someone else, then you would always fall short. If
you're comparing what you're doing to someone else, you would
always fall short because you're always gonna think the grass
is green on the side, but no it isn't. It's
because somebody's working that twenty four to seven. Okay, So
that's what you do, and build your own Nietzsch build
your own. Sometimes you just need to come out of

(53:48):
your norm your circle. Okay, your circle could be another
thing that is keeping you guge, all right, So you
got to reach beyond that. Like for example, all the
women here on today, no one of us know each other.
We moved outside of our circle. And because we've done
this region, because I've done this, reach you you local, right,

(54:08):
I don't have local people that are on my podcast.
I'm reaching out all right, Like like like Momina, where
are you?

Speaker 3 (54:17):
Momina? As a as a.

Speaker 2 (54:18):
Reminder, North Carolina is in North Carolina, Brenda, where are you?

Speaker 12 (54:25):
I'm in Portland, Oregon.

Speaker 3 (54:27):
See what I'm saying. And then we have Pam.

Speaker 2 (54:29):
Pam, Well she's in Florida, but she's not in this
immediate area.

Speaker 4 (54:33):
Pam, where are you Ganville, Florida.

Speaker 3 (54:36):
That's what I'm okay. So this is what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (54:38):
If you're focused on what's right here in your area,
then you are gonna be choked in that because there's
especially when there's so many people doing the same thing.
You have to have your stamp and yet your confidence.
But confidence don't come if you're not heal. I can
tell you that straight.

Speaker 4 (54:56):
You have to heal.

Speaker 3 (54:57):
You have to address you and deal with that. You
keep mentioning stuff a childhood father. Let me tell you
this thing.

Speaker 2 (55:04):
God is a father that has always have grace and love,
all right, and he doesn't hold anything against you when
you come to him.

Speaker 3 (55:11):
So if there's any unresolved issues, just deal with it,
face it and move on.

Speaker 2 (55:16):
It's time to not hold on baggage because as you
were talking, I saw bides upon bides upon bides, and
so there's a lot that you need to release, all right.
And so that way, because you you have done work
that is worthy. I've seen your work. I've seen what
you've posted online, all right, and and and and I

(55:37):
even I remember a couple of years back, I think
it was during COVID actually, when you were doing plates
and I went to your house, you know, because I
wanted to encourage what you were doing.

Speaker 3 (55:46):
And the food was great.

Speaker 2 (55:48):
So you're doing everything, So be happy to know you're
doing everything, and just move. That's that's, that's what it is.
So you're still feeling unworthy, but we're.

Speaker 3 (55:59):
Telling you to you are worthy, all right, You are worthy,
all right.

Speaker 2 (56:04):
Your children are saying back to your mom, you are
a great mom. You're measuring. You're being hard on yourself,
and the first thing you need to do is heal.
You have to allow yourself time to you ladies, anybody
want to chime in Ford.

Speaker 12 (56:18):
I just want to celebrate you being so vulnerable and
sharing your ex I mean that took a lot of courage.

Speaker 4 (56:27):
The thank you yere for being so transparent. Uh and
and that's a lot hard to be that transparent and listen,
let everybody know where you're really at. But God sees you,
and as one chef to another, keep it. Yeah, there's
the fardest memories are in the kitchets it and so

(56:48):
in love to others. So just keep doing what you're
doing and know that you are seen and and you
are valued.

Speaker 3 (56:57):
Thank you. That's it.

Speaker 2 (56:59):
That's it.

Speaker 11 (57:00):
Yeah, I just want to thank you d for sharing,
for being yourself in that moment of sharing, you know,
and be more of yourself. You can feel everything.

Speaker 2 (57:13):
Yes, we can get upset, we can cry, but just
get over it, you know, get it.

Speaker 3 (57:21):
There are days you don't feel like getting out of bed.

Speaker 2 (57:23):
You think, as I stand here and I all bubbly,
there are times where I was like, you know what,
I'm not getting out of my bed today.

Speaker 3 (57:28):
I just want to be by myself and I just
stay there. You know, choose it. Choose how you want
your day to play out. Choose it. Today.

Speaker 2 (57:38):
I'm gonna be colorful today. I'm wearing yellow. Hello, what's
your favorite color? We gotta start with that. What's your
favorite color?

Speaker 3 (57:47):
Oh my god?

Speaker 2 (57:48):
Okay, because as I was talking about color, I saw
it yellow?

Speaker 4 (57:52):
Right?

Speaker 3 (57:53):
So where that what I realized. When we're not here,
we go for groom dark. With dark, we go in.
We only shine a little bit. That's why I said.

Speaker 2 (58:03):
When you see somebody post something on social media, that
was probably the only time that month that they had
some type of ray of hope or some smile and say,
let me capture this for people to see.

Speaker 3 (58:14):
But after that, behind the scenes, you're crying. You know
you're doing this.

Speaker 2 (58:18):
Psalms three talks about crying in the pillow wedding. You know,
we all go through these moments, all right, So we're
going to go to the next question. The next question
is what difference did healing make in your life? Now
for those who've gone through healing, Once you've healed, what
difference did healing bring in your life? Anyone could pick

(58:39):
that up?

Speaker 4 (58:40):
Oh wow, freedom, Freedom with realizing that you know, it
doesn't matter what others think, but what you know how
God has created you and with talents and gifts, and
to really walk in uh, what He's called me to do,

(59:05):
because there was still some of that noise in the
lives in the in the in the back thinking oh Lord,
really you you called me to do this work with
not without a doubt. He has caused me to do
some things truly to aid and help others that are groundbreaking,

(59:29):
that are not that that that awareness is a powerful
tool that others aren't aware of. So but I did
have those moments as I was hesitant on stepping out
and doing and saying what He's called me to do.
I had those those moments of that whoa, you know, healing,

(59:52):
the restoration for myself first being fully known uh where
I first I thought I wasn't. So definitely the difference
in knowing that.

Speaker 3 (01:00:07):
You are.

Speaker 4 (01:00:09):
Healed, whole and valued and now it's just time to
execute and walk out what God called called me to
do to help other to be a bride, helping others
get across to where they want to be in wholeness health.

Speaker 2 (01:00:28):
All right, thank you so much, Pam, anyone else, let's
go back to that. What difference in healing make?

Speaker 12 (01:00:36):
I feel like freedom is a great word and there's
so much peace and joy on the other side of freedom. Yes,
and I also feel like it's a choice, right, and
I from my experience and I would love to know
what your experiences are.

Speaker 3 (01:00:53):
Healing is not a box to be checked.

Speaker 12 (01:00:55):
Like there's always something new that can be healed, and
so it builds momentum. In my experience, one healing leads
to another, healing leads to that healing, and I think
approaching it for me as though it's something that I'm
going to continue to do for my life has given
me the courage to continue to do the work and

(01:01:17):
releasing any shame about having to heal, because that was
part of my story as well. There was a little
bit of shame I carried because I was like, Oh,
I'm ashamed because.

Speaker 4 (01:01:26):
I need to heal.

Speaker 12 (01:01:27):
But the truth is we all need to heal.

Speaker 3 (01:01:30):
Yes, that's true, Momana.

Speaker 6 (01:01:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 10 (01:01:35):
I just want to say that I was never.

Speaker 11 (01:01:41):
Exposed to this word healing later until my life when
I was thirty five or more, but now I can
speak about that. The difference it made was to understand
what I have gone through two journal to see them,
to cry, to feel everything, to feel everything, and then

(01:02:05):
going back to my work seeing the children smile and laugh,
just laugh it out.

Speaker 3 (01:02:11):
I said, laughter is a great medicine.

Speaker 4 (01:02:16):
It's so true.

Speaker 3 (01:02:17):
You know why I say that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:18):
Because there are people and I'm sure if you look around,
if you never thought about it, there's somebody that you
know that you've never heard laugh out loud.

Speaker 4 (01:02:29):
True.

Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
Okay, So laughter is indeed a great medicine. To laugh
all artedly is someone who was here. Because I remember
what I was going through. Moments I smiled like people
a look at me, and I remember I did this
a lot, to the point I used to be saying,
stop doing that.

Speaker 3 (01:02:45):
They people just look at me, and I'm.

Speaker 2 (01:02:50):
It wasn't real. It wasn't real. But I was always
but it was never real. And I remember I'd be saying,
take that grin off your that's fake, Like, come on,
you understand. They just look at me, you know, always, always, always,
But it wasn't real and it wasn't no laughter. You notice,

(01:03:10):
there's just a grin. There's no sound, there's nothing coming
from from the inside. You understand. So d as we
talk about healing, because you're still dealing with grief, You're
still dealing with the loss of your friend.

Speaker 14 (01:03:25):
But I'm still dealing with the loss of my cousin.
I think it's been I think it was twenty twenty
or twenty nineteen. He passed in a car accident, and
I'm still trying to.

Speaker 4 (01:03:41):
Deal with it.

Speaker 10 (01:03:42):
And I believe me.

Speaker 14 (01:03:44):
I went to therapy and everything. So it's just like
I'm the problem I have. I have a problems of
letting go. So it's something that I have to walk on.
But now I used to say, travel, Now I have that.
I accepted that he's gone he's not coming back.

Speaker 3 (01:04:01):
That's good, that's that's feeling right there. Accept him. Yeah,
I did that.

Speaker 14 (01:04:07):
And also that I know that I used him to
I speak to him whenever I know that I was
supposed to do something lunch something and I'm not doing it,
and I was like, what what BEJ does?

Speaker 3 (01:04:19):
Well, he's that's that's exactly what I was thinking.

Speaker 14 (01:04:21):
Yes, so and because of that, I and I'll start
laughing and any joke he used to say anything like,
he was a lot of jokes, and I was like,
I start laughing, and you know, he will want me
to do better and I start working and I'll start
writing everything that I need.

Speaker 3 (01:04:39):
I said, that's celebration. That's celebration.

Speaker 2 (01:04:41):
Indeed, that celebration because that's what I would saying. You
have to think of, like even being here on this platform,
He'll be like, I see you, girl, you understand me.

Speaker 3 (01:04:52):
So these are things.

Speaker 2 (01:04:52):
So what you need to do is just get on
the front road seat of your life. Stop being in
the backseat, stop blending into the wall.

Speaker 3 (01:04:59):
Just live.

Speaker 2 (01:05:00):
Okay, you've been existing, It's time to live. That's pretty
much what it is. You've exist wanted to say it.

Speaker 11 (01:05:07):
I just want to sorry to interrupt. I just want
to share that that I want to attend speak about
my son. Actually, when I was feeling lost or feeling
was in my lower.

Speaker 10 (01:05:22):
Moments, when I used to see him smile.

Speaker 11 (01:05:26):
That used to bring smile joy in my life and
purpose and meaning. You know, so I am said, Okay,
I can cry, but why would I give him that.
I can give him joy, you know, because he's smiling, right,
so we both can smile, you know, Like that has
helped me a lot, Like I wanted to say that
about my son.

Speaker 3 (01:05:46):
Yes, yes, yes, all right, that is great. That's great.

Speaker 2 (01:05:51):
So let's go over to the next How did you
overcome feeling unappreciated during your healing journey?

Speaker 3 (01:06:01):
What did you do? How do you overcome it? Take
us through some of the things you did.

Speaker 10 (01:06:07):
I want to share.

Speaker 11 (01:06:10):
I felt like I was left alone because when I
was into getting into this state of mind, I was
not being accepted one hundred percent, you know, like everybody
will say, oh, it happens, you know, it's life.

Speaker 10 (01:06:28):
You have to move on and this and that.

Speaker 11 (01:06:30):
And also I was away from my home country, so
my friends were back in India. Time difference, their life
getting busy not calling them if I'm feeling depressed or said,
I can't call them because they're sleeping, you know, so
I can't. They can't attend to me, and they have
their own life too, So that in a way helped

(01:06:51):
me to be independent, you know, and manage myself better, like, Okay,
what can I do?

Speaker 10 (01:06:56):
Maybe I can. When I'm praying, I'm just talking to
my idol, like can you help me? Can you guide me?

Speaker 11 (01:07:03):
Can you show me a direction? I'm feeling sad and
I want to really come out of it. I want
to live my life. I have one life to live.
Help me diarid dict me. I have prayed, I have meditated,
I have started journaling, and that has helped me to
be who I am rather than depending on people who

(01:07:25):
are available and feeling upset, disappointed and blaming other people.

Speaker 10 (01:07:30):
So that that actually brought me to myself. Why can't
I have one God who is who has given birth
to me right right, and I'm going to fight with him.

Speaker 3 (01:07:43):
So you decide to live? Come on, yes, that's it.
You decide to fight for your life, because yes, if
you don't, you're just.

Speaker 2 (01:07:51):
Gonna get pulled in. You know, you're gonna get all
pulled into this wave, you know, and this quick fan
that's just gonna come around you. So you gotta fight
your way out. And for summons, of of course it's
getting busy. Journaling is great. Some people don't like to write,
but journaling is another way of expressing and talking, you know,
about your day.

Speaker 3 (01:08:12):
It's a great one as well anybody else.

Speaker 4 (01:08:15):
Uh, well, I just wanted to h when I was
thinking with Mina was talking about just and you were
saying doctor was just live.

Speaker 12 (01:08:22):
Uh.

Speaker 4 (01:08:23):
I had a visual of a vision board that I
was putting together and and uh, and I believe God
was saying, Holy Spirit was saying okay. There was a
little cutout sticker that said the Nike just do it,
and then there was one that said live, put it together,
just do it live. Because I wasn't. I was, I was,

(01:08:46):
you're doing so much for other people, but I had
forgotten me and and doctor Linda. When you're talking about
when I said healing, I said, well, Pam, you do
need to share some of how God's divine healing. When
when I think about of how how how wonderful God is,

(01:09:07):
and and I think of how you know, he allowed
Daniel to uh, He didn't keep Daniel out of the
lions then, but he protected him while so and over
this over, I think back over my life, and I
often sayskedhim. When I think back over my life, I

(01:09:28):
had to ask myself a question with something lurking about hidding,
like a prayer to or waiting to ambush me. And
that's how I felt when I was diagnosed with this
debilitating disease multiplecrosses, and was paralyzed them both legs in
my right arm and dship thinking multiple corosses and in
that name. It was in the name multiple and I sa,

(01:09:52):
I said, Lord, what God?

Speaker 9 (01:09:54):
What? What? What?

Speaker 2 (01:09:56):
What?

Speaker 4 (01:09:56):
So it took me that disease and then the name
took me on a journey of discovery in oh wow,
what did God show me in the revelation of the
unseen bruising of afflicted in me? But it wasn't just
for me in the conflict within, and often I would
tell individuals like you know, I love the word I

(01:10:17):
love God's were the greatest road map for life. And
my three foundation strips is that Deremid twenty nine to
eleven and Romans eight and twenty eight. You know, God,
you know what's the plans you had for us to
give us a hope. But all things work together for good.
And those that loved God and called for a purpose.
And but but both of them they were in captivity.

(01:10:39):
So I was like, Lord, these foundations and scriptions that
are I'm rooted in. But you it tells me that
even though in captivity. And but then from songs one
thirty eight and eight, I'm concerned about what you're concerned about.
So when I think, I said, you know, and I

(01:11:00):
think back of all the trials and tribulations, some of
the just start hurts especually in the betrayals and relationships
and and all the difficulties that around the people my
heart just even even the narcissist, I'm like, well, you know,
they weren't born that way. They were created, so my heart,

(01:11:21):
in their childhood something major was missing, right, And so
I'm thankful for God that as I I've learned to
trust him even in the horrific situations that happened, because
if he allowed, because God is a he's doing no

(01:11:41):
lack and failure in him. And and it was like
an understanding of if he allowed it to happen, it
was part of a greater purpose. And you know, when
the Word says calling to me, and I will answer
you and tell you drinking unfeasable things you do not know.

(01:12:05):
And I and I said, when that was, I said,
that's about me what I don't know and what others
don't know. And so God had through all of the
adverse areas in my life, God has revealed and now
given the clarity and guidance and directions for me truey

(01:12:25):
to be a bridge to help others get across to
a better place in wholeness health here on this side
of glory. And and so I'm thankful. I'm thankful. I
won't take back no nothing that I the hard praces,

(01:12:46):
because you know, for you know, ultimately my good, the
good of others in God's glory, all right, make you yeah,
all right, Brenda.

Speaker 12 (01:13:04):
I feel like it starts with the decision to show
up for the healing, and then the way that that
will come through is different for everyone. In my case,
it was a combination of reiki and breath work and
somatic healing and inner child healing and doing that work.
And so I think you know, for me, it was

(01:13:24):
being led one at a time to different modalities that
I learned, and I knew at the time that I
was learning them that I needed to go on my
own healing journey first before I could actually share that
with others. But absolutely and I feel like it was
absolutely divine that they came in the order that they did,

(01:13:44):
because if I would have started with where I ended,
I think it would have been too much for me
because I didn't believe when I first started that I
actually was worth it. Like we talked about, to circle
back to the beginning, yeah, it's party, Yeah, to really
learning and then choosing to believe that I was worth
healing and continuing to show up for it.

Speaker 3 (01:14:07):
That's it. That's it. That's the d.

Speaker 4 (01:14:12):
For me is to.

Speaker 14 (01:14:15):
Love myself, to accept it, my my mistakes and I'm human,
I make mistakes, and to allow those mistakes to become
the person I am today, to become a better person,
a better mother, a better business woman. And I think
my thing is to put myself out there more. I'm

(01:14:35):
more just so a reserved person, stay by myself. I
don't do anything.

Speaker 3 (01:14:40):
I don't get to go nowhere.

Speaker 14 (01:14:41):
So now I'm open up to let myself help, to
understand around people, to feel safe and to learn that
it's okay, you safe and that's what I use.

Speaker 2 (01:14:52):
Now, right, So we think, I thank each and every
one of you for that, because that's it's called unworthy
when word wasn't felt right. So we each went through
experiences where there is in childhood. For some of you,
they said it was in marriage that she felt that.
Each and every one of us have experienced that. For

(01:15:14):
Pam it was you know, when she was diagnosed. Now
what now you understand?

Speaker 3 (01:15:20):
So what we need to.

Speaker 2 (01:15:21):
Understand is you got to give yourself grace. Okay, the
same grace because a lot of us give grace to
other people. Give grace to yourself, all right. Forgive yourself
all right? Know you are not unworthy. You need affirmations
around your house. Stick them up. Whatever I don't give

(01:15:41):
you have a wall in your car, stick it up.
Words that affirm you every day so you can get
out of bed. Right.

Speaker 3 (01:15:47):
So for me, it was always affirmations.

Speaker 2 (01:15:50):
That was my healing affirmations, and I found affirmations, say,
for example, I was feeling low, the affirmation is actually
a pick up from the place that I was.

Speaker 3 (01:16:00):
You know, you know you're feeling low. You understand me.
But life goes on.

Speaker 2 (01:16:04):
You know, we can't keep letting that violent play, you know,
and we're crying and we're mellowing and we're melting away.
And then you get locked into this displace that you
can't seem to get out of. Okay, and then the
walls okay, the same way the walls go up to
not let people in. Guess what, you ain't getting out either,

(01:16:28):
you understand. So these are the things that we have
to realize. Okay, So give yourself grace. You understand me.
Give yourself grace, Learn to live voice. Stop apologizing for
being you, yes, stop apologizing.

Speaker 4 (01:16:46):
For being you.

Speaker 3 (01:16:48):
Just be you, you know, stop dumbing yourself down to
fit in. Yep, just be yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:16:58):
People have to either accept it and again, if your
circle of a problem with it, change the circle.

Speaker 10 (01:17:03):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (01:17:04):
Hello, if everyone is home, I know, I don't. I
used to walk into these circles.

Speaker 2 (01:17:13):
I used to walk into these atmospheres around pessimistic people.

Speaker 3 (01:17:20):
That is dreaming. That is disabling. Okay.

Speaker 2 (01:17:27):
If you meet someone and you know they're never gonna
have something positive to say.

Speaker 3 (01:17:32):
You already know that, and you program your mind. I'm
not accepting that. That's not who I am.

Speaker 2 (01:17:39):
Don't stop apologizing for being you. You're silly, be silly.
There is a whole group of silly people waiting for
your silliness. Hello, is there is someone who was waiting
for you and say, welcome.

Speaker 3 (01:17:58):
Girl, let's be silly together. You understand.

Speaker 2 (01:18:02):
So these are it if you're a very spiritual person,
but there is someone who isn't to.

Speaker 4 (01:18:07):
Waste your time.

Speaker 2 (01:18:10):
We need to find that group of people that are
going where you want to do, and also hang with
the people who already where you are where you want
to be. You're not there yet, Go hang out with
those people who are already where you want to be.

(01:18:31):
They are always ready and willing to pour into you
because they're not in competition.

Speaker 3 (01:18:37):
They're ready to give back into you.

Speaker 4 (01:18:40):
See.

Speaker 2 (01:18:40):
I give platforms for women to come and celebrate. I
don't care if you have a million followings and I
get my six k. Now, when I've been on Facebook
since two thousand and nine, I used to weed through
so much, and before twenty seventeen I was still under

(01:19:03):
five hundred followers.

Speaker 3 (01:19:05):
Why because I was very selective. Select still is now.

Speaker 2 (01:19:11):
But if I was a selective I probably would have
had to need a couple of pages, which I do
because I have one for Pastor Linda. When I want
to just pour scripture and whatnot, right, I have that page.
I have the Emergent Power page because it's about the podcast.
Then I have the Florida Ultimate Woman. This is someone
who had low self esteem walk the stage of Nationals
at Miss Plus America. Okay, And what am I saying is,

(01:19:36):
once you're healed, you feel like I'm worried.

Speaker 3 (01:19:38):
Yes, I can do it.

Speaker 2 (01:19:40):
You've seen flyers, You've seen things you as a chef
d there have been opportunities I'm sure where there are
looking for people to come on and you just know it.

Speaker 4 (01:19:49):
You know I'm not gonna do that.

Speaker 3 (01:19:51):
I'm not gonna do that.

Speaker 2 (01:19:54):
Yeah, stop going to places where everybody's going change your audience.

Speaker 3 (01:20:02):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I said. And I used to
be like this. They don't love me, they.

Speaker 5 (01:20:09):
Don't like me.

Speaker 3 (01:20:10):
Listen, I love me.

Speaker 4 (01:20:12):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (01:20:14):
Once I started loving me, everyone's like I like you.
I say, no, you want you like me because I
love me.

Speaker 3 (01:20:20):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:20:22):
I have friends said Linda, you know I love you.
I say, please, you only loved me because I love me.
Because when I was in that dark place, I never
heard you say you love me. I never heard you
be open with me. You never invited me to anything.

Speaker 3 (01:20:35):
Hello. But if they're not.

Speaker 2 (01:20:38):
Inviting you, check with that either. That is just a
competitive environment.

Speaker 10 (01:20:44):
Let it go.

Speaker 3 (01:20:46):
Create your own events. Listen.

Speaker 2 (01:20:48):
I was enough people flyers. Listen, I had enough events.
I start creating my own event. I have my my
we want have this I created.

Speaker 3 (01:20:55):
Listen. When I started being.

Speaker 2 (01:20:56):
On my own flyers, people called me to be on
their fly Stop wanting to go to people's things.

Speaker 3 (01:21:02):
Create your own. It says that you have more than enough.
You are worthy.

Speaker 2 (01:21:09):
Oh they didn't call me, but they called so and
so that's okay, you can call them. Ah, let's let's
let's let's let's just flip the script here. They didn't
invite me, but guess what, you can invite them.

Speaker 3 (01:21:26):
Okay. So that's why Tom's twenty three talks about him
preparing the table before who your enemies, your naysayers? Why?

Speaker 2 (01:21:40):
Because they say I know her, I know her, she
won't amount to anything. And then when God swip flip
the script right, they were like, wow, I remember back then.
I can't believe it. This is you, Yes, honey, it's me,
that's you.

Speaker 3 (01:22:00):
Yes, it's me.

Speaker 2 (01:22:02):
I remember when I went to the job in twenty
sixteen and I was talking about me being an author.
I didn't even know I was google aboo. So the
girl says, let me put in your name and boom.
Anything you've ever posted, do you know it goes online?
And they have this of me, this picture of me.

(01:22:23):
I said, oh my god, I'm google leaboo. You can
google me and you can find me. So it doesn't
matter who is not supporting you. Your teacher pam who
didn't like your story because she wanted you to write
it your way.

Speaker 3 (01:22:39):
No, you created so from a little girl.

Speaker 15 (01:22:42):
You created your script and you read your script and
you were okay, and she didn't give you the grades
because you know that you did your best.

Speaker 10 (01:22:54):
Yeah. Guess what part of the healing was googling my
name and finding it in.

Speaker 7 (01:23:04):
Hold on.

Speaker 9 (01:23:07):
On?

Speaker 4 (01:23:08):
Can you imagine that it doesn't feel good when I googled.
I was thankful enough to go to Columbia, South Carolina
and for a women's conference to hear a talk and
it was recorded and turned into a tedech talk, and
I was just thankful that people when you google Pamela

(01:23:30):
Hawkins aware it comes it shows up and and people
were encouraged inspired, And that's really what I want others
to bring, that that they know that they are stronger
than they know.

Speaker 3 (01:23:45):
That said, that's pretty much.

Speaker 10 (01:23:47):
It's so amazing.

Speaker 3 (01:23:50):
So this is what we're here for. And everybody that's
watching today, this is the first segment. Stay tuned for two, three,
four five.

Speaker 2 (01:23:57):
We got in six weeks, six tuesdays of coming back
with different questions. But today we talked about unworthy, when
work wasn't felt all right. We talked about when work
wasn't felt or when somebody told you that you weren't
doing things like Palm said how they wanted it to do.
There are people who are going to tell you, well,

(01:24:18):
if it was me, I would have done it this
way exactly.

Speaker 6 (01:24:21):
You're not me.

Speaker 3 (01:24:22):
You need to have a comeback. People stop trying to
be what they want. Amen, Okay me who say this now?
People just say suff I didn't say anything.

Speaker 2 (01:24:33):
Has to just go home and cry or start crying
because I wanted to express myself. Anybody was like that
I would cry because I said something, and I was
like crying because I expressed myself And I'm feeling bad
because no, honey, no more. Healing is a beautiful place
and I refuse to go back to be that woman. No,

(01:24:57):
you understand, and this is what it's about you. You
are worthy. You're told that you know good.

Speaker 3 (01:25:04):
D just said it. She was told that she she's
no good, she would have different baby daddies. Huh. So
they already put a word curse on you.

Speaker 2 (01:25:17):
And if you allow do you know we become these
word curses because we hear them all the time and
were well, this is what they said.

Speaker 3 (01:25:28):
No, it's time to tear down.

Speaker 2 (01:25:30):
Those altars, those negative altars, and put a praise and
thanksgiving in their place, put favor in their police.

Speaker 3 (01:25:38):
You understand. So that's what it's about, all right, And
you're successful. You're a successful woman saying I don't think so.

Speaker 2 (01:25:52):
You see, we each and every one of us now
doesn't mean there are days we don't feel low. Yeah,
you allow yourself that, take that break, allow yourself that today.
I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to
stay here and watch Netflix and chill me over those
on African movies, which I love. I'll just stay there.

Speaker 3 (01:26:13):
I don't go anywhere. Do you watch TV?

Speaker 2 (01:26:15):
No, I don't watch TV. But when I want to
watch something, I watch what I want to watch, I
read what I want to read.

Speaker 3 (01:26:21):
This is what we need to do.

Speaker 2 (01:26:23):
Stop doing things because everyone is doing it. Once you yield,
you stop doing things because everyone is doing well. They're
doing it, So what why aren't you doing it? I
don't want to It's that simple. So as we close, ladies,
let us just leave a last word to our viewers today.
What message that's in your heart today that you would

(01:26:45):
like to just leave with our viewing audience.

Speaker 3 (01:26:52):
Too.

Speaker 4 (01:26:53):
Don't go ahead.

Speaker 14 (01:26:55):
To be yourself, To love yourself no matter what, continue
doing it. If you're doing something you love, put every
bit of yourself in there, fall in love with it.

Speaker 3 (01:27:09):
Don't listen to the back.

Speaker 14 (01:27:11):
They always will listen to them, so they always won't
be there.

Speaker 3 (01:27:16):
And it's up to you to know what.

Speaker 14 (01:27:19):
To accept it in your life, to allow in your life.
As long you know God, you have God. God puts
you in this sperate for a purpose. It's if you're
still living there, you're not there. It's because you still
not fulfill what He sends you to do. So continue
to doing it. Trust yourself and accept it who you.

Speaker 3 (01:27:37):
Are and become whatever you want. To become in the future.
That's a girl that I hope you go on purpose
to poor that I remember this.

Speaker 2 (01:27:47):
Go back and watch this clip and let it be
your message every day until you get out there and
do and don't worry about it. That person wasn't there.
I'm sharing you on, pamis sharing you on. Brenda's trring
you on. Okay, Momina is chearing you on, and this
old audience they're cheering you on.

Speaker 3 (01:28:05):
You need a platform.

Speaker 2 (01:28:06):
Come here we I hear to cheer you on. And
guess what then not in your immediate circle. The love
is out there. Surround yourself with that love.

Speaker 4 (01:28:16):
Next person, I just want to say to everyone that's listening,
you are stronger than you know. A diagnosis doesn't define you.
And diagnosis could be anything negative. Someone spoke over you.
Could be a disease, or it can be a word.

(01:28:36):
Your story isn't over. In fact, the best part may
still be a hit. To never give up. The best
is yet to get because you matter. Your story is
still being written. Who you are makes a difference. Your
presence is matters more than you know, and I see

(01:28:59):
in you value.

Speaker 3 (01:29:01):
That's it.

Speaker 2 (01:29:01):
Well, that's the woman who goes around telling people I
see value in you, all right, next person.

Speaker 12 (01:29:11):
My brand and my podcast is called your Yes Filled Life,
and the whole premise behind it is that we each
have an opportunity and a right to claim that yes
feeling for ourselves. And so the thing that I would
offer is, if it's not a hell yes, it's a
hell no.

Speaker 3 (01:29:31):
Come on, come on, it's one or the other. I
love it, Momina. I just want to.

Speaker 11 (01:29:41):
Say, I just want to congratulate for everybody who is
here today. You all are emerging, You are there, You
are seeing heard, accepted, celebrated.

Speaker 10 (01:29:55):
Come on, ladies, fear, smile, laugh, enjoy. You have one life.
Be joyful, Be joyful. Be joyful, even if you're drinking water,
be joyful. Hello, breathing, be joyful.

Speaker 11 (01:30:08):
Even if you're dancing, be joyful, even if you're singing,
be joyful, even if you're cooking, be joyful.

Speaker 3 (01:30:14):
That's it. I love what you said, because you could
have a cup.

Speaker 2 (01:30:19):
They don't they You could drink that thing like you're
drinking something special and nobody know that this water, but
it's tasted good to you, and they're like, man, what
are you drinking? And all you was drinking was water. Okay,
get high on your own life.

Speaker 3 (01:30:35):
That's it.

Speaker 2 (01:30:47):
And just before I was on, I didn't want to
put it here. I'm not doing a commercial. But I
went to flying against early and I had some nice wings. Okay,
so I got that pink lemonade in this cup. But
guess what, it's yours. It's yours. So I want to
thank you ladies on today. I really truly thank you.

(01:31:08):
And I know some of you, like Brenda, she's already
had her one on one on emerging and Power. And
I know you ladies will come back and we have
the one on one as we dive deeper into your
individual stories. But this has been everyone, the very first
segment of the She Mergens Virtual Conference.

Speaker 3 (01:31:25):
And yes, it is a success.

Speaker 2 (01:31:30):
Emerge and empower as we have the She Mergents Virtual Conference,
brought to you by.

Speaker 3 (01:31:39):
Doctor Lynn J.

Speaker 2 (01:31:41):
I can't wait for the next few weeks as women
are coming on and just sharing all right into this space,
having conversations with one another. And again we have a
few seats. Some of the weeks might have one one
seat left, So if you were still thinking about getting in,

(01:32:04):
get in and grab that last seat in that particular recording.
So blessing to you all and thank you. We will
continue with this virtual conference until next week.

Speaker 3 (01:32:20):
Bye.

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Shemergence: Session 1 - Unworthy When Worth Wasn’t Felt

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Shemergence: Session 1 - Unworthy When Worth Wasn’t Felt