Shemergence Session 4: The Silence Between the Prayers

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Emerge and Empower podcast TV, a platform where
resilience meets transformation. Here we amplify voices that have faced trials, trauma,
and adversity, stories that inspire hope, healing and empowerment. Every
episode brings raw, unfiltered conversations with individuals who have risen

(00:21):
from hardship, embracing faith, strength and purpose. Join us as
we break the silence, uplift one another, and emerge stronger together.
New episodes air Wednesdays at six pm English and Saturdays
at six pm, with select Saturdays in Creole for our
Haitian audience.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
Hello and welcome everyone.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
Welcome back to Emergent Empower See mergens call friends.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yes we're about for session four.

Speaker 3 (00:57):
Oh my god, I seed all the reviews, use all
the positive comments, all the people who are still trying
to get a seat.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
Here's the good news I have for you on today.

Speaker 3 (01:07):
Instead of doing six weeks, we're going from the first
Tuesday in August all the way to.

Speaker 2 (01:12):
The last Tuesday in September.

Speaker 3 (01:14):
Because of the demand and everyone trying to get in,
I want to be a part of this virtual conference.
You are welcome, so as long as you can find
a seat and a slot within the month of September.
Go ahead and do so. We'll be glad that you
joined us again. This is a platform where individuals come

(01:37):
on and share their stories of their emergence. They're on
the other side of their healing. They're healing, they're halfway
in there, they're three quarters in wherever they are, and
they're healing. But the truth is they are healing, and
they're coming back and telling you what steps they took
that they were able to get through every hurdle that

(01:58):
they had experience. Yes, one thing, to share it and
talk about it, but let's take the necessary steps. Let's
go into that therapy, all right, let's talk about it.
Turn your pain into purpose, help somebody out, because here's
what happened. As you are helping someone ill, you're also
discovering things about yourself too that wow, I needed that
and I didn't even realize. So the healing is continuous.

(02:21):
And of course, as you know, the book is about
too launch, so you're gonna get ahead and get your
pre orders in so you can be the first the
first to get your copy of the book. Titled She
Mergins Onholy at the Table, it focuses on worse. It
focuses on unworthy of healing, unworthy of love, confusion, church heard,

(02:47):
spiritual abuse, all of that are all jam packed into
that book. So go ahead and pre order and make
sure you get yours. Through the pre order, you get
your autograph coffee. Don't wait until it goes on the launch,
all right, get it before. I'll autograph them and send
them off to you. I am so excited, all right,

(03:09):
in five years, nine books. I never thought I'll get
you on one book, but I keep getting prophesied there
are books in you.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
I'm releasing them. It's not about the dollar, It's about
the healing.

Speaker 3 (03:20):
If I can get it in the hand of someone
who's on the front row seat of their life, then
I have done my part by helping you on your
journey to healing. And we are so excited for the
panelists of speakers that will be coming on to this
podcast as they will be sharing their individual stories as
we take you through different topics, as we talk about

(03:43):
that worth, that moment where you didn't feel that you
are deserving of love or to forgive yourself which is
key to healing. Stay tuned. Our guests will be right on.

Speaker 4 (04:00):
The journey started basically I was years old.

Speaker 5 (04:04):
My my mom, that's a that's an age alas that
I do or have an understanding of my surroundings of
what was going on.

Speaker 1 (04:12):
Then my mom there focused.

Speaker 4 (04:14):
Shipmen and that's when I realized that you don't know
what you don't have to tell, realize what is that
in front of me?

Speaker 5 (04:24):
Hissels and more treated men really like that children, you
know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (04:30):
But I thank God for football in the journey.

Speaker 6 (04:33):
If you have read.

Speaker 4 (04:34):
Book one, you have very book one to make sense
because it's a film and it's the Sea Wine and
there will be read thereafter.

Speaker 5 (04:43):
I was trying to summarise it up but a second,
but it didn't make sense to o. The ship basically
talks about one time and there at what I still
went arrived. It was not a single rella story.

Speaker 4 (04:59):
It was not her story.

Speaker 7 (05:01):
It was a.

Speaker 2 (05:02):
Sycle that kept.

Speaker 4 (05:03):
Going and I had to wake up her so I
live to tell the story.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
Because I couldn't be let the women as a cycled to.

Speaker 4 (05:10):
See people that are out there for you to be
or whatever. They don't know their story. No little girl
got out and I just said, okay, I'm want to
be impossible. I want to leave the industry. I want
to sell drug money.

Speaker 2 (05:22):
Wait, some one thing.

Speaker 4 (05:25):
It is just makes to me pass that people have
that process.

Speaker 2 (05:29):
Things to end up happening.

Speaker 4 (05:31):
So as a Christian, rest all, you must be for
giving people. So something happened.

Speaker 8 (05:38):
Sometimes I'm watching a.

Speaker 5 (05:39):
Lot of asking BOVII, the young lady that's the only
wanted to be able to help a fail.

Speaker 4 (05:44):
That was the rock that she pertained. All right, So
these thirties, my heart I was.

Speaker 5 (05:52):
Suicidal until he was twenty eight years old, and that's
when I forgive myself. Everybody here have the want to live.
It's whats wanting you well, but let's basically.

Speaker 4 (06:03):
Need the journey I'm going now, I.

Speaker 5 (06:06):
Try to repeat it the purpose and I created new one.

Speaker 4 (06:11):
I'm gonna get together. Excuse to move the front and
excuse to let chose to get up that's coming out
here to meet here.

Speaker 5 (06:24):
So I thank you too, because it's because everybody just
wanted my promotion for.

Speaker 4 (06:30):
The ego that made us mess.

Speaker 2 (06:32):
And long on house on.

Speaker 9 (06:34):
I never take.

Speaker 7 (06:39):
Moly.

Speaker 4 (06:40):
I made it. If it was for a moment, I
made it their love and kind of little change the read.

Speaker 2 (06:47):
He did it man he did it, and yes we
are back. Thank you everyone for watching, and yet again
another book launch. Right.

Speaker 3 (07:01):
Who would have thought? Who would have thought? But that's
what happened. When we are healing. What we find is
once you have decided to turn your pain into purpose,
Oh my god, the provisions come in. And again, wherever
there's vision, there is provision. You just have to show
up and get it done. I remember growing up, it

(07:23):
was an old movie where the guy build up the feel, right,
build up the feel for them to play. I don't
remember what the movie was called, but I remember the scenario.
He said, if you build it, they will come. Right,
If you build it, they would come. So a lot
of times we are on that back row seat and
we're like, nah, I don't have enough people. You're waiting
for your crowd or individuals to come on. But I'm

(07:43):
telling you today, just do it and it will happen. Right,
build it and they will come. So welcome, Welcome everyone
to the she Mergons Virtual Conference of twenty twenty five.
And we have greg On here, we have TD we
have Catherine, we have Naomi, and we have Tamika. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, ladies,

(08:06):
and gent On today.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
Go ahead and just shout out to.

Speaker 3 (08:09):
Everyone let them know you are on She Mergents Virtual Conference,
and go ahead and voice whoever wants to come in.
Do an intro off yourself and introduce yourself to our audience.

Speaker 6 (08:20):
Well, thank you so much for having me, Doctor linn J.
I'm so glad to join you again on your platform.
My name is T d Flinna. I am a podcaster,
an author, and an educator, and I am going to
be sharing my story of you know how I was
healing and you know I was brought through through God's grace.

Speaker 2 (08:43):
Thank you so much. TD. I'm you to Mike.

Speaker 10 (08:55):
And Naomi Moran.

Speaker 7 (08:57):
I'm an Atlanta a psychosomatic practitioner for twenty five years,
and I help people heal the pain of their past
so they can show up in their lives today.

Speaker 10 (09:09):
And this is pretty much also what I've done with
my own life. So I'm very happy to be here,
Doctor Lynn, Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2 (09:16):
Thank you. They're returning, returning, I love the returning my God.

Speaker 11 (09:22):
And my name is Greg Lenkowski. This is the second
podcast that I'm appearing on. I've worn a number of
hats in my life, but I am a diagnostic radiologist
by profession. You know you're kind of saying, maybe MD radiologist.

(09:46):
That was one of my roles in life. I live
in Fresno, California.

Speaker 7 (09:53):
I'm the.

Speaker 11 (09:55):
Very fortunate husband of my of my my wife Lynn.
Love that, love that forty one years of sometimes blissful combat,
but other times it's it's been put it this way.

Speaker 4 (10:14):
We are.

Speaker 12 (10:16):
We are.

Speaker 11 (10:17):
We have made it through many, many things we have.
We have two living children and actually two up in heaven,
which one of my child's stories helped really precipitate me
writing my autobiography and lived a law.

Speaker 3 (10:41):
Love it, I mean, we could hear that. You got
your MD and husbandology. All right, let's go to Captain
and Damiica.

Speaker 13 (10:54):
Hi everyone, I'm Catherine. I'm tuning in from Orlando, Florida.
I have an amaze husband of just over nine years.
We have two little girls, and I'm a podcast host
and soon to be retreat host like workshop, so pretty exciting.

Speaker 2 (11:14):
Love it. Welcome again, Welcome back, Catherine, Welcome back.

Speaker 8 (11:19):
Hello everybody.

Speaker 12 (11:20):
My name is Tamika Powell and I live in this
great city of Gainesville, Florida. I am I've been here
about five years. I am now a certified life coach.
I decided to step into that after I went through
three rounds of cancer and I won. And my most
what how I made it through was I heard the

(11:42):
Holy Spirit tell me to live and I decided to
live through it. So I started a Facebook live just
helping people understand that they can live through any moment,
and I decided I wanted to do something different.

Speaker 8 (11:55):
I'm also a mentor to a one of the group
of women called Wow.

Speaker 2 (12:01):
Wow, Beautiful Beautiful.

Speaker 3 (12:03):
Listen each and every one of you as you even
did your intro, talk about, you know, the journey that
you had to get here right and each person are
living their life right now, right after the trauma, after
the past experience, and I want to just celebrate you
for being on here today. I celebrate people for just

(12:24):
getting out of bed, because there are days people just
don't even feel like getting out of bed.

Speaker 2 (12:28):
So let's just clap for you know, just for that,
just step out to be here and say I am
going to show up. All right.

Speaker 3 (12:35):
You're not doing this for doctor Lynjay, but you're doing
this for yourself because as you tell your story, believe
it or not, you're also still processing and still going
through your healing, and the more you talk about it,
the more comfortable it was. Because there was a time
in my life when I spoke about my I couldn't
even finish tell my story.

Speaker 2 (12:52):
I would just joke up like, you know, I could
never finish tell my story.

Speaker 3 (12:57):
And now I could go through it and there's other
people crying and I'm looking at them like why are
you crying?

Speaker 13 (13:02):
You know.

Speaker 2 (13:02):
So so that's pretty much it.

Speaker 3 (13:06):
So thank you everyone once again for jourining the Shemrgens
podcast that is on the emergent and power and Greg
will be coming on to have this one on one
to Meika too. Tamika I met actually at my very
first You might not notice, Tamika, but that was my
very first panel of speaking when we met at that time,

(13:29):
that was my very first event. I traveled the miles
to go there because I believe that there was more
for me. So the Lord open up the ways that
I could go all the way to Georgia to meet
women I've never met before. Said yes to be a
part of a panel of people. And they said, you know,
there's no money and you're four. I said, it's okay,

(13:50):
I'm coming, all right. Book my hotel, got on a
plane and I said, I'm cleaning these smiles for every
mile that I crossed. Lord, you're going to open up
the windows of heaven and you're just gonna pour it.
And I'm gonna mark all of these places as territory,
and every place that I go over, they'll be calling
me back to speak. You know, I've never stopped speaking

(14:11):
ever since. So we need to invest in our future.
You know, look for things. I don't look for things
close to me, actually, because they always tell your prophet
has never all knowed about its people.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
So I go far away. You know, I want to fly.
I want to travel. I believe I could fly. Anybody
on your believe they could fly. I believe. That's it.
That's it.

Speaker 3 (14:32):
So we're gonna dive right in here as this particular
segment is called the silence between the prayers. Okay, when
God felt far away, when that positivity felt far away,
when people saying far away whatever that is for you,
when it felt like it was far away. So we're
gonna talk about those moments in between when you were silent,

(14:55):
silence because you were protecting yourself, or silence because you
were viewed it right. So the very first question we have,
and this will go to each and every one of
you to answer accordingly. Have you ever felt like your
prayers were hitting a wall?

Speaker 2 (15:09):
All right? And can you describe what that was like
for you?

Speaker 6 (15:16):
Yeah, I felt that way as a little girl. You know,
there was a period in time. You know, I was
in the church as a little girl and was saved,
was trying to really be you know, holy and really
dedicate myself to God. My mother had left the family,
was separated from the family at the time, and I

(15:41):
would just get up at five o'clock in the morning
pray before I went to school, before I caught the bus.
You know, I lived in Alaska at the time, and
things were just getting worse and worse around me.

Speaker 3 (15:55):
You know.

Speaker 6 (15:55):
It was what we did in our pipes froze, we
didn't have running war then you know, we didn't have heat,
you know, no fuel, not enough money for fuel for
the heat. Our electricity went out. Like things were getting worse.
And then I hadn't heard from my mom in months,
so things were just feeling worse and worse. So at

(16:20):
that point, I just really was journaling, reading the Bible,
you know, and you know, praying, just really hoping things
would get better. The things I would read would often be,
you know, the Bible. I was reading the Bible, but
I was also reading character books about perseverance and courage,

(16:44):
and I started to look at my journey in a
different way, like, oh, all of these wonderful people because
they were courage because of the person. The person became
like it was Thomas Alva Edison as a little kid,
or it was you know, all of these you know,
George Washington Carver as a little kid, the things that
they had gone through, and so I started thinking, okay,

(17:07):
well these are things they're just preparing me for greatness.
It didn't feel any better, but it also would just
helped give me, you know, faith, And I just kept praying,
waking up early, reading, doing my best in school. But
it was it was a challenge.

Speaker 3 (17:24):
Yeah, that definitely was a very challenging environment to be
and to not have the bearing necessities, you know, to
have them there, and on top of that, for your
mom not to be there.

Speaker 2 (17:36):
So and as a little girl, that's what you knew.

Speaker 3 (17:38):
You knew to go to the Bible, that's obviously that's
what you were thought too as a child. So that's
where you went to look for strength, you know, instead
because some children look for the streets, you know, they
look to hang out, do opposite, So you had an excuse.
You like some kids when they were younger, run away
from home. There was no home that was a good

(17:59):
place to be in. So a lot of things happened,
and for your mom not to be there definitely so wow.
So your prayers was just praying that you know, one
day she'll come back. But at the meantime you decided,
I'm gonna do good at something when everything else around
me is falling apart.

Speaker 2 (18:16):
Wow wow wow Wow. We'll go to our next person.

Speaker 3 (18:19):
Have you ever felt like your prayers were hitting the
wall and describe the moment of your journey of healing.

Speaker 8 (18:27):
How good.

Speaker 12 (18:28):
I'm gonna tell you the in between the three times
of finding out that my multimo alma came back. I know,
the first time it was just a breeze. You just
go through it, you don't focus on anything. I just
gotta get better. I didn't have an understanding of what
it really was. And then it came back five years later.

(18:49):
All I heard was God tell me before to come
clean off of chemo and so I believe like that.
And for five years, right when cold, I couldn't go
to any doctor to even be checked to see where
my numbers were because they were so worried. I had
just had my first bone mary well, my only bone
marre or transplant. And five years later it hits me again,

(19:14):
and it hits me right when I've had to move.
I came from a domestic violeist relationship and I was
married to someone in clergy.

Speaker 8 (19:22):
So how can God allow me to be in this place?

Speaker 12 (19:27):
And I'm trusting you and I've lost everything because I
got married right before I found out I had cancer, actually,
so how can God allow me to.

Speaker 8 (19:36):
Be in this place? Where are you in all of this?
And now where are you? And I'm alone going through this?

Speaker 12 (19:43):
Right the last time I had somebody to depend on
the last time, and my thing was do I make
the decision to go through with the divorce?

Speaker 8 (19:50):
And the thing he told me this?

Speaker 12 (19:52):
And then cancer hits me again, and I'm thinking, okay,
so the silence of and now my myself is speaking
to myself. Okay, So Who's gonna be here with me
in the middle of the night when I'm having a
hard time who's gonna take me to chemo? Because I
depended on that person. I had a couple, I had

(20:14):
someone that was right there home with me, and so.

Speaker 8 (20:18):
I didn't know what to do. I had just launched
the ministry, and.

Speaker 12 (20:23):
I'm just trying to hold on because I'm not only
trying to hold on to my health, but I'm trying
to hold on to who I am. And I was
finding myself trying to please and beat those words that
were saying, You'll never be enough, You're not worthy, You're
not this. And so I'm trying to prove to myself.
And God sent me help. Yep, he sent me friends.

(20:47):
And then he says, shut down the ministry. But how
would I shut down the ministry. It's only been a
year and a half. And he tells me to tell
everybody to go. You can't do ministry anymore. And I
feel hope bliss, I feel ashamed. People are gonna talk
to me. I have no consistency.

Speaker 8 (21:04):
I'm not this, I'm not that.

Speaker 12 (21:07):
But little did I know when I was going to
go to the doctor to do another check, the cancer
came back the third time. Wow, right after I had
just rung the bell, And I'm thinking no longer in
my praying God, Why, God what? Because you can keep

(21:28):
asking him why? And he told me to live through it.
And so my focus really became I got to live
through every moment, not live through the day, but if
I get a bad report or if I'm tired, I
got to just live through that moment and the fear,
like I really learned, it begin to teach me the

(21:50):
issues that I had on the inside of me.

Speaker 4 (21:53):
And little did I know he was.

Speaker 8 (21:55):
Set me up or blessed. He was setting me up
to be healed, because that's what he told me. He
was gonna heal me.

Speaker 12 (22:03):
But I did not know the process was gonna be
of moments by myself, momentless, trusting him in buying faith
when there's nobody that can be there, when the.

Speaker 8 (22:13):
People that I have to lean on are all gone,
and he puts what I need in place.

Speaker 3 (22:19):
Wow, Wow, Wow, that's amazing. Three times and then you
just ring the bell.

Speaker 7 (22:25):
You know.

Speaker 3 (22:25):
It's like every time it's like you come from it
seems from bad to worse, you know. And because we
have been friends since that last event, and I realized
I hadn't seen you online. The last time I saw
you believe it or not. Was when you said you
were getting married. I don't think the marriage that happened.
You had met someone right, and then I didn't see

(22:45):
you anymore. I'm like, well, maybe she's just living her
best life. That's why they always tell you to check
on those people who were strong, because you.

Speaker 2 (22:51):
Don't know what they are going through.

Speaker 3 (22:54):
And I want everyone to know as long as you
are here on here today, you connect with me on
social media. I don't don't go on people's stories, but
I celebrate you whenever you post something and I see it.

Speaker 2 (23:06):
I am big on celebrating. Let's go, let's do this.
That's who I am.

Speaker 3 (23:10):
I'm cheering on and offline because you know, sometimes that's
what you need. You need that one person you know
to connect with you. So we'll continue with our other
guests here again. Have you ever felt a moment in
your life where your prayers were hitting a wall, or
describe a journey of your healing when you felt disconnected?

Speaker 11 (23:29):
Well, you know, I would like to just say to Mika,
my heart as a doctor really goes out to you.
Because I happen to have worked a little bit with
multiple myeloma. I know it can be a very bad actor.

(23:53):
And you know, I'm in a sense feel the despair
that you felt. And my wife and I also felt
in many ways like God was he was up there?

(24:16):
But where was he when our son David was about
I want to say, maybe four or five months old,
when when essentially the world came crashing down on us.
Where we went from believing he was a normal little

(24:40):
infant to realizing that he had a terrible seizure disorder
and very severe developmental delay which subsequently rendered him like
a quadriplegic. And he was, he was essentially an infant,

(25:04):
although he grew chronologically and as time went on. But
boy did we we preyed up a storm for a miracle,
and it was really hard to keep the prayers going
when David would have an emergency hospitalization, you know, would

(25:28):
be in status epilepticus with his seizures going continuously had
to go to the neonatal intensive care unit at the
Children's hospital. And what we wound up doing many times
was like we did have some help. We did keep

(25:49):
our weekly date and often enough we would just go
to the restaurant, drink a glass or possibly two glasses
of wine and both of us start crying and I'll
not even have dinner but come home and just hold
each other and man, oh man, it was tough. Wow,

(26:17):
just just going through that.

Speaker 7 (26:22):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (26:24):
Indeed, even when your child simply have a fever and
it's the same thing, won't go away for two days,
You're like, Lord, like transfer the pain, Like let me handle,
let me take it on.

Speaker 2 (26:34):
So I can imagine what both of you are going like,
transfer this to me. I can handle this.

Speaker 3 (26:39):
You know he's too small, he's little, you know, so
I think every parent have gone to that feeling.

Speaker 8 (26:46):
And here it is.

Speaker 3 (26:47):
You're living this every day with this infancyeing your child
growing chronologically. But yet you know all of these things
that are going on, and that indeed is a lot
that is heavy to carry. And I can say thanks
to God, you to us still here. Because that also
breaks relationships. You know, I've seen it often enough. When

(27:09):
you have a six child, somebody end up saying, you
know what, I didn't sign up for this. You understand
what makes it harder. I can go back to Tamika
when as soon as this happened, now she has to
go through a separation and a divorce by herself all right,
So we let's continue here with others, because if we
start going back and back back, we keep going around

(27:32):
here in circles. Let's try to get through each of
the questions as much as we can. I'm not rushing
you through, but it's like everything that is said is
giving you a moment to say, you know what, we
can stay here a little.

Speaker 9 (27:44):
You know, we have Naomi, I'll next, Catherine, Yeah, I'll
go next.

Speaker 13 (27:56):
A time that I felt like my prayers were hitting
a wall. In twenty nineteen, my daughter and I survived
in amiotic fluid embolism and it happened when I was
in labor with her, and thankfully, by the grace of God,
she's okay. They utched her to the nic you and
like I said, she's okay. But my journey has been

(28:18):
a lot longer and I'm not Yeah, I'm not able
to do the things that I did before September nineteenth
and twenty nineteen, it left me disabled because I had
a stroke in multi multi organ failure, nine days in

(28:40):
a coma, seven surgeries within those nine days.

Speaker 9 (28:44):
So really long journey.

Speaker 13 (28:46):
And so as time, I think, like the first year,
my word actually was persevere and That's what I did.
I just put my nose to the ground, just did
the rehabs that I was told to do, did the
follow ups I was told to do, et cetera. But
then as the years have passed, it's been hard to
kind of keep up that grind, so to speak, right,

(29:07):
And yeah, so I'm kind of coming to terms with
the fact that God may not heal my body one
hundred percent this side of heaven. And while that's okay
if he doesn't, I still have hope like the miracle
or the full the miracle of full healing could happen tomorrow.

Speaker 8 (29:27):
I don't know.

Speaker 13 (29:27):
That would be really really amazing. But I'm still coming
to terms, you know, and just trying to clean close
to God that this is in his timing, not mine.

Speaker 3 (29:38):
Right right, Yeah, because you did share your story on
the podcast, and that is a lot to go through
the body physically, psychologically, there's a lot involved when someone
is sick, you know, when you're going through and trying
to be strong, and and all your children are young.

Speaker 2 (29:59):
These are not old kids.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
You have young children to take care of while you
yourself isn't one hundred percent. So I can see the
frustration and a lot that is going on with that well.

Speaker 13 (30:11):
And it impacts the whole family. You know, yes, I'm
the one who's disabled, but now my husband's a caregiver
and thankfully now our girls are five and seven. But
you know, at one point we were, like you said,
we had a newborn and a two year old, so
it's like, what do we do?

Speaker 2 (30:27):
You know, right, God is good, that's true, that's true.

Speaker 3 (30:31):
We're going to go to Naomi the time when you
hit the wall and you didn't know what else to do.

Speaker 10 (30:39):
I hit a wall when.

Speaker 7 (30:43):
Well, I had completely dissociated, disconnected from the trauma that
happened to me for the first twenty years of my life.
At the time I was twenty eight, I had my
first memories of being sexually abuse by my family for
the first twenty years and being trafficked, and I decided

(31:08):
that I was going to face my family and I
was going to speak to them, and that everyone was
going to admit their part and we're going to get
one happy family. It was very naive at the time,
but that was that was my prayer that I could
somehow right at the secret free. And my father completely

(31:34):
denied everything. My mother pretended not to know what I
was talking about. My siblings looked at me and didn't
know what to say. And after that weekend, I went.

Speaker 10 (31:45):
Back home and I felt like it was.

Speaker 7 (31:52):
It was the end of my life in the beginning,
maybe of my new start, but I really hit rock bottom, right,
and I didn't think that's when my journey began of
looking for understanding that the help was not necessarily going

(32:14):
to come from inside, but it r was by healing
from the inside.

Speaker 9 (32:19):
Right.

Speaker 10 (32:20):
So that's my story.

Speaker 3 (32:22):
Yeah, and I can connect with Naomi on that because
I've shared it and it's in my book, so it's
not a secret. It was a secret for years, but
when I was seven, I ended up telling a neighbor
who told my aunt, who found out that I was
being sexually abused. But the worst of it wasn't even
that is because I was six years old when I

(32:42):
was raised and left for dead, so and I couldn't
tell it. I couldn't share the story because this person
was always there, threatening that they would burn the house
down while we were sleeping.

Speaker 2 (32:52):
So I felt like I had to protect my family.

Speaker 3 (32:54):
So I could relate to Naomi on the part of
being you know, sexually molested in all the things that
you happened as a child, I didn't know who to
turn to. You know, you're a kid, you don't know
who to turn to. So I just I was the oldest.
I kept living, doing whatever it is that I can do.
I was suicidal until I was twenty eight years old.

(33:14):
My healing didn't begin until I looked at my daughter
that was seven years old and say it was not
her fault. Because through my whole life, I was always
thinking it was something that I did that caused these
things to happen to me.

Speaker 2 (33:25):
So when I.

Speaker 3 (33:25):
Prayed, my prayer wasn't oh, why did this happen? My
prayer wasn't where were you God? Or anything like that.
It was like, well, I guess this is my life,
this is my cycle, you know. So it was like
I can't tell because the people I did tell about
it did nothing about it. So I just be silent.
I had a wall for a long time, you know.

(33:47):
I didn't let people in only to an extent, you know,
in my life. So we each have these walls that
come up and we have these questions, you know. But
as we've gone through these walls and the in the
healing journey, what did.

Speaker 2 (34:04):
The silence teach you?

Speaker 3 (34:06):
How did the absence of the answer shape your perspective
on life itself, your healing, your relationship with God?

Speaker 2 (34:14):
You know, whichever one.

Speaker 3 (34:15):
How did this silence teach you? You know, what did
you learn in dis silence and what came out of
it for you?

Speaker 2 (34:24):
We can go in any order here.

Speaker 9 (34:26):
I would say, his ways are better.

Speaker 13 (34:28):
So, you know, like I mentioned, I was doing rehab,
just kind of putting my nose to the ground, just
you know, grinding that.

Speaker 2 (34:36):
Wheel, so to speak.

Speaker 13 (34:38):
And then four and a half years later, I looked
up and just really was like so incredibly burnt out
and just was didn't know what to do next. And
that's when I ultimately realized, like I can try all
I can try everything, or I can try my hardest

(34:58):
and every single rehabit appointment and you know, burn myself
out at home doing rehab. I can walk as much
as I want, Like, I can try all of these things,
and ultimately it's not me who is healing my body.
It's not the rehab, it's not my doctors, it's ultimately
him and I have to surrender to his plan and

(35:21):
it's in his strength now being I mean I think
a lot of women we tend to struggle with control
a little. So relinquishing that control was something that I
had to had to really come to terms with and.

Speaker 9 (35:36):
Repent.

Speaker 13 (35:38):
I had to repent to God for trying to take
over control. Now, at the same time, I have to
do my part, like I have to do my home
rehab program. I have to be wise about what I'm
putting into my body. I have to be wise about
how I'm spending my time because too, like rehab takes
me away from my family. So if I'm just constantly

(35:59):
focused on that, then I'm missing out on my kid's childhood,
I'm missing out.

Speaker 9 (36:04):
On time with my husband.

Speaker 13 (36:06):
So I have to do my part. But it's all
within parameters or it's all within uh what's the word. Like,
it's all with like within parentheses. You know, there's segments.
It's not like I can do rehab thirty thirty hours
a week.

Speaker 9 (36:25):
Like that's too much. Anyone would get burnt on that.

Speaker 13 (36:28):
So relinquishing that control and knowing that I have to
do my part, but it's ultimately his timing and he's
the one in control.

Speaker 11 (36:38):
All right, All right, person, I would like to just
say yea and amen to what you mentioned. You know,
for a time there, I was going into the well
kind of the New York frame of mind, like like

(37:00):
Yorkers don't give up, like it's not in our vocabulary.
And you know, I even think of like Winston Churchill,
never never, never give up. And that's and that's great
to a point. But the our and the important words

(37:28):
to follow are that, yes, God is a miracle working God.
He still does miracles and on his timing and for
his honor and glory. And we experienced many, many, many

(37:49):
many miracles along the way, which you know, maybe we
can talk about it at a later time, but it's
God's timing, not ours. And you know, while I'm a physician,
I'm depending on the great physician.

Speaker 3 (38:07):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, we'll continue. I'll repeat the question,
what did the silence teach you? And how did the
absence of answer shape your perspective?

Speaker 12 (38:21):
I want to say I can pick it back off
of what she said too, because it teaches you, number one,
you have to quiet down and you have to rest.
If I didn't learn anything, I learned to rest and
not just physically rest, because that was the hardest part.
The hardest part for me was physically resting because I

(38:42):
relied on I relied on me for everything. I took
care of everybody, my children, my grandchildren, my whole family
out that was me. But when I was put in
that last position, I had to rest, and I had
to rest spiritually, and then I had to accept where
I was one of the One day when I was

(39:03):
just praying and I asked God, I said, so am
I supposed to?

Speaker 8 (39:08):
And how can I be?

Speaker 13 (39:11):
Just?

Speaker 12 (39:11):
You called me to help everybody else and help everybody,
give them hope and help them heal. But how can
I be that if I'm not a if I'm not healed?
And so he has a real distinct way of answering us.
So I was watching a movie that chosen and in
that simple episode, little John came up to him and

(39:35):
he said to Jesus, he said, you want us to
go out too by two? But how can we go
out too by two? I'm not worthy because you've healed
everybody else except for me.

Speaker 2 (39:46):
Wow.

Speaker 12 (39:47):
And Jesus said, but you're the greatest example, because you
are the greatest example of what my word does. And
I click click for me. It clicked for me because
just because my limit that we have. Just because I'm
in a moment, it doesn't make me any less worthy.
It didn't make me any less healed because he said,

(40:10):
I'm healing what's on the inside of you first, and
if he healed the inside, and so when he started
healing the hurts and the pains, then I'm able to
walk into the healing of the physical. Like that really happened,
and I realized that in that quiet place, I was safe.
He had me in a place where I had to

(40:30):
He wanted me to be safe or safe from the noise.
It's safe from all of the things that was going on.
So he could do his work while the doctors did
their work. While why while I had a lot of radiologists,
I have holes in my bones, he did a lot
of stuff, and he put he gave me every single
thing I needed.

Speaker 8 (40:49):
In that silent season, it just took me to sit
down and be quiet.

Speaker 3 (40:55):
And it's in truth. In truth, we do how to
silence the noise. That's the first step. And I think
this is a specialized feel for Naomi. So before we
go to TD and Catherine, because that is dealing with
the healing the inner you, right, because you have to quiet.

Speaker 2 (41:16):
Down and you have to be in tuned with who
you are.

Speaker 3 (41:18):
And Naomi as a professional, let's go to you here
for a moment on that aspect, also for you personally,
but also on a professional.

Speaker 7 (41:29):
I believe that everything we deal with in our lives today,
every pain, mostly everything we deal with pain, even cancer
and depression, anxiety, anything, procrastination is based on early childhood trauma.

(41:50):
And we sit with that pain of that younger self,
those younger parts of us, and we really give those
parts a voice and truly learn to listen and be still.
Like you said, doctor Lynn, just go into that stillness
and be present to the pain. That's when we begin

(42:12):
to heal. That is the healing process, going into meditation,
getting the help that we need. I think that's very
very important. I know that for me, I could not
have done it alone. I will for a lot of
help and support throughout my healing process.

Speaker 10 (42:33):
And yeah, this is really the key.

Speaker 7 (42:37):
Like I started meditating and taking that time, like making
space for that just to with myself. I had to
schedule time. I knew and if I don't do it
in the morning, it's not going to happen later on
in the day. So no matter what I knew that time,
even with children, my husband and life and busy, I

(42:59):
had to find and the time in the mornings that
I dedicated to myself before I started work, before I
did anything else. It's that commitment of tuning in and
being in silence and just being present to what is.

Speaker 3 (43:17):
I can't say that enough because for those who love
to pray, you can pray from am to PM and
start all over again. But until you shut down quiet yourself,
you can't hear. You can't hear yourself be on it.
You know, I've always been a silent praying person. I

(43:37):
pray within. I pray inside. Uh, the the fate community
will call on you to do prayers out loud and
stuff like that. But me, I like where the Bible
talks about going into your prayer closet, which is your
inner self right to pray and to speak and to
find healing.

Speaker 2 (43:58):
And once you do that, even for.

Speaker 3 (43:59):
Me to remember, like if I want to memorize stuff
and I'm reading something, I literally have to close my
eyes all right, so that I would allow myself to
come one with the study.

Speaker 2 (44:13):
And if I do that, trust me, if I said
I'm gonna be ready for tests in two days. I'm ready.

Speaker 3 (44:18):
Why because you got to quiet all of that, the noise,
the letters, the writing, we're seeing everything, but you gotta
quiet down right, we be come in tune with.

Speaker 4 (44:27):
You, all right.

Speaker 3 (44:29):
And that's how it happened. That's how faith is activated. Ope,
it's activated. All of this is activated because what happened.
We have quiet some of that down, all right. That
is definitely the first step. And when it comes to health,
you definitely have to come down because you have to
release a lot of that, all right, So we're gonna
go TD.

Speaker 6 (44:50):
Yeah, I really had another approach. It was still being quiet,
but as I was reading a lot, as I was
enforced grade when this started, I really did a lot
of writing as well. So the writing, you know, what

(45:13):
I realized with my journey with God is he also
was giving me tools to be empowered.

Speaker 8 (45:19):
Right.

Speaker 6 (45:20):
My teacher was teaching us how to really write and
to personalize the writing process for ourselves. And you know,
with that writing and that daily writing and using my
writing as a confidante, right as I was praying and writing,

(45:43):
and really a lot of jumbled up faughts were able
to be you know, smoothed out. They were able to,
you know, stop filling up my head and be on
the page instead. And you know, know from God I
was learning, you know, He's giving me tools to be

(46:04):
empowered for myself. I was seeing, you know, part when
I don't have anyone to talk to, the writing is
a good space to go and it's really a wonderful
tool I've used throughout my life for healing, right, And
so that's what I was learning in the quiet is

(46:25):
to write. And so being quiet and sitting and writing
getting those thoughts out, because I found that my thoughts
would really be jumbled up in my head. They would
blow up, you know, you know how people catastrophize, like
if this doesn't happen, then you know, then this is
gonna you know, just like the worst thing and the

(46:47):
next worst thing. But the writing helped to put in perspective.
It's on a piece of paper, it's not as daunting
in my head. There's some perspective there. I could go
back and read and reflect. And it also is like
a testimony for me when more hard times come. That
writing is there that I can see like I've been
through this before, this is similar to this, and I

(47:10):
got through that and I could get through this as well,
so that you know that is a gift that God
has given me that I have definitely used throughout my life.

Speaker 3 (47:20):
Indeed, they would tell people to journal, write it down.
That's also part of that was you was doing therapy
without knowing you were during therapy.

Speaker 4 (47:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (47:28):
Absolutely, we have enough in us because if we listen
like there we were saying, if we truly listen and
go quiet, all right, then we can actually truly evolve.

Speaker 2 (47:40):
Only debt can we evolve. You understand. We had to
quiet all the noise.

Speaker 3 (47:45):
We had to quiet the doctors, the sounds, the machines,
whatever was going on, because it's all about you, right.
All that chaos is happening on the outside, but at
the end of the day, it's about you, the individual,
the person, the spirit man, right because we spend a
lot of time on the physical, but we are.

Speaker 2 (48:04):
Spiritual beans, you understand me.

Speaker 3 (48:06):
So we have to connect, you know, and that's how
you heal, just ealing staff from the inside, not from
the outside in, but from inside out.

Speaker 2 (48:17):
All right.

Speaker 3 (48:18):
So we're gonna take a break right here and we'll
come back with another set of questions for you. So
I call it a coffee break because it's for the
live coffee, which I love, and it's a natural product,
And I will just play that here and you'll be
right back.

Speaker 2 (48:34):
Everyone, don't go away, We'll be right back.

Speaker 14 (48:36):
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of the two billion cups consumed daily, enough to fill
an Olympic swimming pool every three minutes, same old flavor,
same old routine. For centuries, seventy five percent of coffee
drinkers have settled for mediocrity, masking the taste with sugar
syrups and overpriced add ons. But what if coffee didn't

(49:00):
promised to be amazing? What if it actually was. Introducing
a live coffee, the first coffee that tastes as good
as it makes you feel. Meet the coffee that thinks
beyond the cup. Bold, smooth, alive, made from expertly roasted,
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(49:22):
shockingly delicious. Stop drinking, may start drinking alive, the coffee
that delivers, just like the ninety percent who won't start
their day without it. A live coffee, Wake up, take over,
feel alive.

Speaker 2 (49:38):
All right, we're back, We're back.

Speaker 3 (49:40):
We're not only feeling alive with sharing what living is right,
The part of healing is right. So that's why we're
back here on today. So everyone, I hope you've learned
a lot from this, and I know you will have
time to go back and watch the replay.

Speaker 2 (49:57):
Right, the replay, so we'll.

Speaker 3 (49:58):
Continue remember this whole set about She Virgins also talks
about worth, that moment where you didn't feel like you
are deserving of love? Okay, you didn't feel that you
were worth it? The worth feeling any believe that we
can feel that we're not you know, and forget it.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
I'm not worth it.

Speaker 3 (50:16):
Don't put so much energy in me, right, So did
you ever question your own worth because of delay?

Speaker 2 (50:22):
Anyone?

Speaker 13 (50:28):
A lot?

Speaker 12 (50:29):
I think she talked about catastrophized sizing our thoughts.

Speaker 8 (50:35):
I lived in that.

Speaker 12 (50:36):
I think that was my best friend, and I didn't
feel I was worthy. I didn't feel I was worthy
because I lost so much. But I didn't realize that
the loss was the game that I needed and the
loss was necessary. The loss was necessary for me number
one to know that I was loved because a lot
of times we felt unworthy because we don't feel loved,

(50:59):
we didn't have have love and so we're out here
trying to find love, and I was trying to find
love and relationships and not just it a with a man,
but relationships and friendships, relationships within this functional families. And
I finally made the decision after you know, those two

(51:19):
years of having a sit and except where I was
that I was worthy and I was loved and once
I knew what his love was, then I could understand
how to love me. So I'm feeling unworthy, Yeah, I
could write a book actually looking on it.

Speaker 6 (51:41):
Yeah, I definitely felt like I'm like, oh, yeah, you're not.

Speaker 2 (51:47):
You're not the kind of.

Speaker 15 (51:48):
Kid that's going to get these different things in your life,
you know.

Speaker 6 (51:53):
And even just as I was getting older, like you know,
maybe I'll be one of those people die young. I
wasn't suicidal, but I just really was like, maybe something's
gonna happen to me, right, and and just like you know, maybe,
just why are you asking for so much? Because you're

(52:14):
not you're not going to get it and other people
you know don't have that much either, and wow, and
so why would you.

Speaker 8 (52:22):
Ask for more and expect more?

Speaker 6 (52:25):
And so yeah, I definitely had questions, right, But I
you know, I was trying to teeter on, well, maybe
I'm getting these this is happening to me because I'm
being formed into this great, strong person, right, But there
was still that part that was like, no, you're just

(52:46):
like a poor little black girl, you know, you know,
growing up in Alaska. I live in Los Angeles now,
but growing up in Alaska and just not having that
many black people around and not having you know, a
strong co unity. Sometimes I just felt like, yeah, you know,
I have like certain comments about me or whatever, like

(53:07):
because I'm what's different. I just was like, well, yeah,
maybe it's just you know, like, are you serious? You're
asking for these things? You're asking but you're you're not
going to get it. You're not really You're kidding yourself.
N One of the things I was thinking to myself
sometimes when things were just getting worse and worse.

Speaker 3 (53:26):
Right, right, all right, let's go there. The feeling of worklessness, Well,
go ahead, oh thank you.

Speaker 13 (53:38):
I will say becoming disabled at thirty four years old
was not in my life plan. I'm not such a
planner that I had every aspect of my life planning,
but I would definitely say that was not in what
I thought would happen. And often I do feel like
a burden to my family, and you know, some people

(54:01):
say that's not true. I kind of feel like it
is true, Like that's just our reality, and I think
that helps me accept reality now. At the same time,
that doesn't mean I'm not worthy of care, Like I
think being a burden being worthy of care are different,
you know what I'm saying, Like, I think we're all

(54:24):
worthy of care. Eventually all of us will need some
sort of care, whether that's cancer or we become elderly,
or even if we're having a baby and our family
comes to help with the new baby, Like we're all
worthy of care. And also like through this, a lot
of the friends that I had before twenty nineteen in

(54:46):
my life anymore, you know. And not too long ago,
I said to a friend, I feel like everyone's abandoned me.
And she said to me, well, that must be a
very lonely place to be, and I'm like, w that is.
That's why I'm telling you, That's why I'm to like
get some sort of connection and feeling well, I didn't

(55:11):
feel that way.

Speaker 7 (55:11):
I was.

Speaker 13 (55:12):
I was abandoned by people who I thought were my
friends and who I thought would be in my life,
for my whole life right and that didn't happen. And
then at the same time, it's made our little family,
our little family of four, so close and too it's
made me realize that no matter how many people come
and go in my life. I mean, I'd rather more

(55:34):
people stay. I love people. I'm an extrovert. But no
matter is how many people go, I still belong to Christ.
And Christ is never going to leave me. He's never
going to abandon me. And I'm worthy of his love,
whether or not a word like to me that's kind
of I don't know, pebbles on the sand.

Speaker 2 (55:55):
Wow, Wow, we have Greg and nail me.

Speaker 7 (56:00):
I felt a great sense of unworthiness due to all
the abuse I went through and I was a huge
pleaser in order to make everybody happy, read everyone's needs
before they even knew what they wanted, just in order
to be worthy of love. And it wasn't something that

(56:26):
changed overnight. It was doing a lot of work, healing
a lot of trauma, and every time I healed another
part of me, a part of my self worth started
to come back.

Speaker 2 (56:40):
Yes and.

Speaker 7 (56:44):
Yeah, that was really my big part of my journey
reconnecting to my worthiness because.

Speaker 10 (56:51):
I believe that we were all born.

Speaker 7 (56:56):
Like with that God essence within us, like the soul
that we're born with, Yes, is the God essence. So
God is within us, is a part of us. And
whenever we look into a baby's eyes, all we see
is like beauty and light. Yes, And this is the
truth of who we are. And that's the part I

(57:19):
feel is so important to reconnect to, to remember who
we really are at our core. We're not what we
were told, we're not what the way we were treated,
but we are that God essence that we were born with,
that pure soul.

Speaker 11 (57:42):
You know, Naomi, that just sparked a vivid memory in
my mind. When you know here we would be at
at McDonald's, you know, with David, maybe he would be

(58:02):
maybe he was six years old at the time, in
a wheelchair, and I remember this little boy coming up
to the wheelchair looking at him, and he goes, what's
wrong with him? And I said nothing. And then the

(58:24):
little boy said, well, why is he in the wheelchair?

Speaker 13 (58:27):
Oh?

Speaker 11 (58:27):
I said yeah, because he has a really terrible seizure
disorder and he has a real bad developmental delay. But
one thing that I would tell people, I said, if
you look carefully into David's eyes. You can actually see

(58:48):
God's reflection.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
And yeah, I mean.

Speaker 11 (58:55):
His eyes sparkled and he he was an ambassador for God.
Although he couldn't speak, I believe he could understand some.
But also to follow up question your own worth because
of the delay, Hell yeah, I mean, was I praying

(59:18):
hard enough?

Speaker 13 (59:19):
Was I?

Speaker 9 (59:21):
You know?

Speaker 11 (59:22):
Did I need to give more money?

Speaker 3 (59:27):
Lie?

Speaker 11 (59:27):
And and and by the way, we did have. We
went through it with if there was a healing evangelists
in town, m We were there and you know, found
out some appeared real and.

Speaker 2 (59:48):
There's a lot of fake people out there.

Speaker 11 (59:50):
Some of them were in money. But you know, it's
not a question of praying hard enough. Did we do enough?
It was a slow process, but we had to surrender
to God and just say God, you know, we would

(01:00:12):
love a creative miracle like look Catherine mentioned, I would
have loved the creative miracle when David was alive.

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11 (01:00:24):
The miracle that happened was actually at a Benny hin
and real me enough, I'm going too far, but we
did go.

Speaker 2 (01:00:32):
No, there's no limit here, you this is not one
of those platforms.

Speaker 11 (01:00:36):
Well in twenty twenty one, no No. In two thousand
and two thousand and one, because David lived from nineteen
ninety three until two thousand and two, we got to
go to a Benny Hinn miracle crusade which was in
San Jose. And I will admit Benny is a colorful figure.

(01:01:03):
Some people believe that God works through him in the
healing ministry.

Speaker 7 (01:01:09):
Some note.

Speaker 11 (01:01:11):
We got to go up on stage and Benny asked
what my hope was for our son, and with cameras
rolling right, and I said, I would love to see
David be able to walk and talk about the glory
of what God has done in his life. And he

(01:01:33):
just asked people who could stand to stand. There was
something like somewhere between seventeen and nineteen thousand people in
this arena. It was packed, A lot of people prayed.
I could feel being uplifted. And here I am holding David,
who's now he's about eight years old. And you know,

(01:01:57):
I didn't fall back and get slain in the spirit.

Speaker 13 (01:02:01):
That was.

Speaker 11 (01:02:05):
I got the desire and the stamina and the stick
to itness to persevere on. And that in and of
itself was the miracle that happened for us right m
And it was real m. And then a year later,

(01:02:29):
you know, David passing on. That was the miracle of
God taking him home out of his out of his
pretty dark life and existence.

Speaker 3 (01:02:42):
Yes, wow, there's been a lot of deep, deep deep.
I don't even know where to go back, so I
won't touch it. I'll just leave everything alone, leave everything
where it is, because that unworthiness for me is where
I brought in. I I don't think I brought the book,
but that's why I brought in for me dealing with

(01:03:05):
spiritual herd.

Speaker 2 (01:03:06):
You know, it wasn't a Benny Hen in your case.

Speaker 3 (01:03:09):
It was a person that I grew up with who
was the pastor of my church, right, And I always
wanted to get baptized, right because I you know, you
say you should get baptized. So I'm twelve years old,
lats of appetism thirteen fourteen up to fifteen.

Speaker 2 (01:03:23):
I'm asked a baptist.

Speaker 3 (01:03:24):
I can do everything else, but you're telling me I'm
not grown enough, old enough to get baptized, whereas my
friends are getting baptized at nine, ten and eleven. And
you're telling me every time you tell me no, I'm
feeling workless. Right, I already had childhood trauma. I already
had all kinds of stuff against me. The one thing
I thought fate, the side of fate. I got this

(01:03:44):
my faith. You know, I'm teaching, I'm at every service,
I'm doing everything like you said, you know, like what
else haven't I done? And you're telling me I'm not
worthy of it? So I'm fifteen. I go into your
office because I know you didn't. I didn't grow up
with a father. My father was never in my life,
you know, so I see you the only father figure.

Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
You know.

Speaker 3 (01:04:09):
I didn't know you were a predator, you know, for children.
I never experienced that, even though you'd hear people say things.
And so I go into your office and you.

Speaker 2 (01:04:20):
Call me over. It's normal, your dad. I'm leaning on
your shoulder.

Speaker 3 (01:04:24):
And next thing you know, your hand is going where
it shouldn't have and I run out of the office.

Speaker 2 (01:04:30):
That shattered me. If you want to talk about not
feeling worthy, I.

Speaker 3 (01:04:35):
Was like, well, everybody, like everyone that should love me,
they're hurting me.

Speaker 2 (01:04:44):
I was done. I was done for almost a month.

Speaker 3 (01:04:49):
I don't think I went to church, you know, but
I didn't want to stay home either, because you're in
this environment where it's worst off, you know, But where
can I go? So I start attending another church that
was down the street from my house, but never trusting
anyone to this day, my trust for people.

Speaker 2 (01:05:10):
You know, I will trust you to an extent, but
I wouldn't let you in.

Speaker 3 (01:05:15):
I had to put those walls up, you know, because
life taught me don't treat people by face value, right,
And it's a good thing because you have your discernment on.
So talk about feeling unworthy. So that just piled up
onto all that had already happened in my life. I'm
really broken now. I'm feeling workless, like you know what,

(01:05:38):
just just ain't working. They're telling me, But God and
God being love, where's the love? Because it ain't coming
over here, you understand, I'm not feeling it. And the
people the person that I thought for sure was God
example on earth?

Speaker 2 (01:05:58):
Is it who he.

Speaker 4 (01:06:01):
Is? You know?

Speaker 3 (01:06:03):
So ever since then, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I would trust people. I can't say trust because trust
is a lot a big word for me.

Speaker 7 (01:06:11):
You know.

Speaker 3 (01:06:12):
I will give you credit, let's put it that way,
until you prove me wrong. So whenever somebody says somebody
did something out of it. You I go like, well,
I'm not surprised they are human because I had to
put them in the god pedestal. If you get what
I'm saying, I've learned to keep people in that human aspect.
That way, I'm never surprised anymore if you get me,

(01:06:35):
you know.

Speaker 2 (01:06:35):
So that's it.

Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
So and this goes with children like the worst people
I'll say teenage years to feel workless because they can
go both ways. As a teenager, you can harm yourself
or do something detrimental, getting into drugs, getting too you know,
young girls, getting promiscuous, you know, just self destructing. So unworthy.

(01:07:02):
So that's what I brought into this book. I'm bringing
this unworthy. I'm bringing everything that I went through that
made me feel unworthy. I took people through every one
of those steps, marrying a narcissist, making me feel like
I'm nothing. I'm only something because you're in my life.
You're the best thing that could happen to me, Like
can I win? It's like hello, but I'm gonna go

(01:07:27):
back to that quietness. I had to turn everything off
and say, you know what, Linda, stop people pleasing, stop overcompensating,
stop stop stop stop stop, and I was always.

Speaker 2 (01:07:40):
The yes woman.

Speaker 3 (01:07:41):
I started to say no, and in the beginning I
felt bad to say no. I was like, I'm feeling
guilty for saying no. But I'm in such a better
place because I'm growing, I'm understanding.

Speaker 2 (01:07:53):
I'm getting my control back.

Speaker 3 (01:07:55):
Like we have a remote all a mouse, which is
a control, I can decide what channel.

Speaker 2 (01:08:03):
Did I want to go on? Right?

Speaker 3 (01:08:06):
Because if we stay on this road of unworthiness, that's why,
unfortunately we have a lot of our suicide numbers are high.
Why because people feel worthless, They feel like there's nothing
to their lives. Did any of us not go through
something that could have taken us over? Yes, yes, I've

(01:08:28):
had the peel bottle in my hand.

Speaker 2 (01:08:29):
I've had the desire to just throw myself. I've had that.

Speaker 3 (01:08:34):
Because in unworthiness, that drains you to an existence like
there's nothing else, it's just all dark.

Speaker 2 (01:08:41):
But aren't we happy that some light came in? That's
why we're here today. We had some light that came in,
all right and has changed the trajectory of our lives,
all right.

Speaker 3 (01:08:52):
So because of that, I'm gonna talk about who or
what help you stay anchored? Sharedes Yool moments what help
you stay angered.

Speaker 6 (01:09:07):
You were talking about how you didn't want to go
to church, but then you know, the church was better.
So the church is one place that was angering because
I did when I grew up in Alaska, there weren't
that many black people when I went to school, but
we had a little tiny black church that I attended,
and so that is a place that really was a

(01:09:29):
place that helped keep me angered. They're really you know,
kind people there. They're very encouraging to me, so that,
you know, and I also had my aunts. I had
an aunt, my woman, my mom sisters and one of
my dad sisters. They both were very helpful, you know,
place that I could take a bath and get my

(01:09:51):
hair done or whatever, you know, get a new dress sometimes,
you know, just because you know, we just didn't have
the facilities right right all the time. So but yeah,
Also what was really helpful for me because I you know,
when I found that I could help others. So right,

(01:10:16):
one of the things is my aunt had a tutoring
program at the church, and I started helping the other
kids with reading, and so it helped me to see, like,
look beyond myself and help others. And then just also
see the power that I had or the gifts that
I had, and I was using them. So I really

(01:10:38):
enjoyed helping the other kids learn how to read because
I did a lot of reading and writing, so I
was really good at reading and writing. So those were
really helpful things. I also made a garden because we
were living on land that you know, the the facilities

(01:10:59):
weren't great, but we had a lot of nice land
that I decided to grow different you know, tomatoes and lettuce.
One thing about where we grew up in Alaska, in Fairbanks,
we had twenty four hour daylight during the summertime, and
so yes, we had a great growing season, right, so

(01:11:20):
that was very empowering. You know, we could eat some
food from the garden and again you know, like it's
not a to a young girl, right, it's like a miracle,
right they are you know, you read about growing things,
but just really actually growing things, the thing that comes
from a little bitty seed. It just really helped confirm

(01:11:43):
my faith in God. And also, you know, thank God
for the gifts that I had. The power that I
did have, I couldn't control a lot of things. Are
the things that I could control were really helped to
anger me.

Speaker 3 (01:11:57):
And gardening is therapeutic, so you wan therapy. You had
so many therapy, a lot, a lot of.

Speaker 2 (01:12:11):
Yes.

Speaker 13 (01:12:13):
So I'd say what anchored me was first, uh, my faith,
reading my Bible, listening to worship music. And that was
actually hard at first because I had to relearn how
to read after my stroke. But it was nice that
I could listen, you know, download an app on my

(01:12:34):
phone and listen to the Bible.

Speaker 2 (01:12:36):
So I did that.

Speaker 13 (01:12:37):
The psalms were very healing for me. Also, a book
called Lord, I Want to Know You by Kate Arthur,
and it goes through the different names of God, and
that book really transformed my faith and helped me know
the Lord and feel the Lord and see the Lord
in entirely new ways. Also talked about helping others. Creating

(01:13:03):
my podcast has been really healing for me as well.
In some ways it has anchored me because I've can
speak about my faith while helping the community that I
never thought i'd be a part of. It's we kind
of always say it's the worst club to be in,
but the community makes it worth it, right, And so

(01:13:26):
I just think that that village mentality is so so
powerful too.

Speaker 2 (01:13:31):
Yes, we definitely need a community.

Speaker 12 (01:13:37):
Well, I want to say what helped me through it.
I think it was this song. I was in the
hospital in one of my bouts, and the doctors had
told me I had two I had bilateral blood clots
on both sides of my chest. And when I was
in the hospital, this song kept playing, It's an horizon.

(01:14:01):
Oh that fear is not your fear, It's not your future.
And what was so funny is I was sitting. I
was in the hospital, but I was sitting and I
could look out the window and I could see the
horizon and I just kept saying, it's a new horizon.
And so songs for me, worship songs speak to me.

(01:14:21):
So when I know I hear a song playing in
my head, that's one of the things that I know. Okay,
so this is not the end, it's the beginning. My
other favorite thing and she had to put her outside
because she would have been a part of this podcast
was it's Bella.

Speaker 8 (01:14:36):
Bella is my part main com cat.

Speaker 12 (01:14:41):
I got her when I moved here because when I
came here, you know, it was a lot, and I
was alone, and I got Bella from the Humane Society
and I was looking for a kitten, not a cat, right,
And so when I walked in that room, she came
straight up to me, and the lady was like, this
cat does not talk to anybody. She doesn't deal with people.

(01:15:03):
You can't allow her around anybody. But I had said
I wanted to get a cat that I could love
that And so what actually happened to Bella. Bella is
my love partner. Bella is the person or I don't
cause she's not a person. But when I first got Bella,
she wouldn't let people touch her. She was so she
had been abused. So my love changed her, and so

(01:15:29):
that gave me Okay, so I can make a difference
because if I can change this cat, now, I can't
stop her from me out and then sleeping.

Speaker 8 (01:15:38):
She's been, she's she's been my she was my strength.

Speaker 12 (01:15:41):
Like honestly, anytime I got get really sick or something's wrong,
she normally she'll sit around me, but she'll come lay
on my chest. And so that's how I know, Okay,
maybe you need to get up and go to the hospital.
Maybe something's even more serious. And my spirit your father,
because going through this phase.

Speaker 8 (01:16:02):
I'm a leader.

Speaker 12 (01:16:03):
I'm I'm a go getter, but now I have to
be nothing right, and so me trying to prove myself
and do all this stuff. And he said to Mika,
it's okay to rest. It's okay for you to you are.
You don't have to have a title to be who
you are, because you are who you are. And I'm

(01:16:24):
just grateful because being alone, which I thought was going
to be the hardest thing, was the easiest thing because
on that journey, I met so many people from the
chaplain in the hospital who came in the room and
with just talking with the pay the doctors, like they
would just come in my room just to have conversation.

(01:16:45):
But my strength came through like just releasing and accepting,
really accepting the place that I'm in and learning that
it's okay to rest. I have so many people who
were my strength, but I think it was a twofold

(01:17:06):
thing because they were taking something from me and I
was giving something to them, My family, my if I
could say anything, I put myself in mentoring. I had
a mentor, I had a therapist because I was like, okay, Timika,
when you come out of this thing, you got to
come out hole. So I put in the work. I
took the time the last thing I did, even in

(01:17:28):
the midst of having a Cartee cell therapy, I'm sitting
in the hospital and I'm going through neurological toxicity if
anybody knows what that is, where you're almost like going
through strokes. I was taking classes to be a certified
life coach because I said, this is the only way
that I know I'm going to stay somewhere, saying in
the midst of this, so never giving up.

Speaker 8 (01:17:51):
And God, of course, of course him.

Speaker 13 (01:17:54):
I love that you mentioned your cat Bella. I do
therapy to horseback riding, and I started riding horses when
I was ten, so obviously he like did it through
middle high school and even into college. So that was
like a huge goal after I got sick and the
horse that I ride now his name is Jasper and

(01:18:15):
he has PTSD, so he and I connect on a
different level because that's.

Speaker 3 (01:18:20):
Something Yeah, you meant an animal that had issue, but
when you all connected, it was perfect match.

Speaker 8 (01:18:27):
It really was.

Speaker 13 (01:18:28):
And I for if you guys know horse breeds, I'm
not a therap thoroughbred person or rider. I typically, like
I grew up riding appleusis so it's like I don't know,
like a German shepherd and a Chiuala like just completely
completely different types of horses. But Jasper has won over
my heart and I bring him way too many carrots.

Speaker 2 (01:18:53):
We do, we do, we.

Speaker 3 (01:18:55):
I would love to bring everybody back, but because we
have so many things, is still go over.

Speaker 2 (01:19:01):
But we're gonna go with Naomi and Greg.

Speaker 3 (01:19:07):
And then the last part is a letter to yourself
when you were going through So just think of it.
It could be just a few words, right those who've
already spoken, So think about the letter. What would you
tell yourself when you were feeling unworthy in those times?

Speaker 2 (01:19:24):
As Greg and Naomi go into what their ankle.

Speaker 7 (01:19:27):
Was, my anchor was Tamika could very much relate to
what you said to dedicate your life to healing. For me,
I had a turning point shortly after my memory started
to come back that I made a choice, and I

(01:19:49):
made a choice to heal one hundred percent. And I
didn't know what that meant at the time. I just
knew that I had to choose life and I couldn't
be with one foot in and one foot out anymore.
It's not going to work. I already had two kids
at a time and when I understood that I can

(01:20:09):
heal one hundred percent. Looking back, I think it was
my dedication to do all that it takes to live
my life the best way I can, and that meant
I started studying.

Speaker 10 (01:20:22):
I'm studying until today. I love studying.

Speaker 7 (01:20:25):
I'm always learning new modalities, new techniques.

Speaker 10 (01:20:29):
How to heal, how to grow meditation.

Speaker 7 (01:20:34):
I had my family, had my husband, I had my children,
then later on I had another two children.

Speaker 10 (01:20:40):
That was my life, like really living for what really
matters to.

Speaker 7 (01:20:45):
Me without my heart and my soul and finding that
strength within me instead of taking it from outside.

Speaker 3 (01:20:57):
That's definitely a beautiful anchor. A lot of us look
at our children. We look at something to be you
know what, this is what I'm holding on to. This
is what's gonna be my reason, my why, right, my why.
We all need a why even though we're feeling that way.
Thank you so much, Naomi.

Speaker 11 (01:21:15):
Greg Yeah, I would say I'm resonating with all the
other beautiful stories that I'm hearing. And you know, as
it turned out, we became part of the disability community
and it was just it just happened. We didn't anticipate it,

(01:21:39):
but we got connected with a disability ministry called Johnny
and Friends. Okay, Johnny Ericksontada. Yes, as a result of
it of a diving accident when a teenager, et cetera. Anyway,
they came alongside and we actually attended two different family retreats,

(01:22:08):
one in nineteen ninety seven and one in two thousand
and one. We got to actually meet Johnny Ericksontada. And
another time, if you fast forward a little bit later
in her in her journey, when Johnny had breast cancer,

(01:22:28):
Lynn and I got to pray for her.

Speaker 2 (01:22:31):
Wow.

Speaker 11 (01:22:33):
As you know, we got to reciprocate, which for me
is like how wonderful is that? And I got to
serve on the board of directors for the Central California
Johnny and Friends Ministry. In addition to her, my wife

(01:22:54):
and I we just we just resolved that we are
in it for the long haul. I give her tremendous credit.
Neither of us giving up isn't in our vocabulary. And
then we had Pastor Doug along the way, who actually

(01:23:15):
wrote the forward to my little book. There beautiful Shameless
promotion available on Barnes and Noble and Amazon, and I'm
hoping it it brings honor and glory to God.

Speaker 3 (01:23:32):
All right, well we'll put the link in the value everyone.
You got to get that if you want to thrive.

Speaker 13 (01:23:40):
Wow, Greg, I'm actually reading one of Johnny's books right now,
So yeah, beautifamiliar with her ministry powerful?

Speaker 2 (01:23:50):
I love.

Speaker 3 (01:23:50):
I listened to Johnny sometimes on my drive when I'm
in my car, sometimes coming home.

Speaker 2 (01:23:55):
I like to listen. So here we go.

Speaker 3 (01:23:58):
If you could write a letter to yourself during the
silent season, what you say.

Speaker 7 (01:24:07):
I would say, connect in words, Listen, Listen, listen. God
is not outside of you. God is inside silent. Don't
look and wait for someone to come and rescue you.
The only person that can really save you, that's just you, yourself.

(01:24:29):
Nobody can do that for you.

Speaker 10 (01:24:32):
No power outside of you.

Speaker 7 (01:24:34):
Yeah, we give our power away, we're waiting, we're blaming,
we're a victim. When we understand that the power lives
within each and every one of us, and we connect
and reclaim our own power, that's when we heal, that's
when we thrive, That's when everything becomes possible.

Speaker 2 (01:24:55):
Love it. You're just connected with Greg's book. I don't know,
brick person.

Speaker 6 (01:25:10):
Yeah, well, I you know, I would definitely I'm writing
a book about my life right now, a fictionalized version
of my story. But really it is about you know,
looking to God for your gifts. Right So those are
the things that brought me through, you know, using my
skill of teaching others how to read, helping you know,

(01:25:35):
gardening and writing. Those are the things that help me.

Speaker 2 (01:25:40):
Get through.

Speaker 6 (01:25:41):
So keep you know, keep reading, keep writing, you know,
helping others, you know, finding things that you're passionate about
are going to help move you through.

Speaker 15 (01:25:51):
And I did write two books. I have The Rewrite
Method and I have the Rewrite Method Workbook. You know,
so this is about like, yeah, the Reright Method and
the Rewrite Method Workbook.

Speaker 3 (01:26:06):
It helps.

Speaker 6 (01:26:08):
You know, it helps parents and teachers so help kids
fall in love with writing because writing is such an
essential skill to help for healing, to help them to
find things that they're passionate about. And so it's a
workbook set that really is really helpful for helping the

(01:26:30):
kids to realize their true potential.

Speaker 2 (01:26:32):
Thank you so much again, those those links will be
in the bio.

Speaker 12 (01:26:37):
Next person, I would tell them or myself that silence
is not your punishment's your preparation. Right now, God is
doing a deep work in the places that nobody else
can see. You may feel hidden, overlooked, or forgotten but
for but Heaven has not forgotten you. There's purpose in

(01:26:59):
this pa. Heaven is still writing your story even when
the pen seems like it's still. Don't let the silence
make you question your worth or you're calling. You're not behind,
you're not losing. You are being strengthened, you are being stretched,
and you are being refined.

Speaker 8 (01:27:20):
What makes the delay is often a delne alignment.

Speaker 12 (01:27:25):
This is a season for you to listen more closely,
to lean in and to heal. Let your roots grow deep,
and let God minister to the parts of you that
you're buried under the performance, the pain, or even the pressure.

Speaker 8 (01:27:42):
He's just not interested in what you do for him.
He wants you whole, surrender and resting.

Speaker 12 (01:27:50):
You're not alone. Heaven is with you in the hush.
Don't rush this process. When it's time, God will open
the door yours, release the words and shine the light.
But for now, breathe, be still and trust you're becoming
something beautiful.

Speaker 2 (01:28:13):
Don't rush in the hush. Come on, she said so
many poetic words, and there I'm working on.

Speaker 12 (01:28:26):
Yeah, this is really, this is really what I found
me like the silence helped me find me. It helped
me find everything that every other prophet had told or
person told me I was I couldn't see that, but
that silent place, this sickness, got me to a place

(01:28:47):
where I could become whole.

Speaker 8 (01:28:49):
And so now I can do what I'm supposed to do.

Speaker 2 (01:28:54):
Love it, love it, love it. Now we have Greg
Catherine before we close leave.

Speaker 11 (01:29:00):
I've learned and I'm still learning, is that indeed pain
is inevitable. We all wind up in the barrel at
some point or other. It does not have to define
who we are or be taken as a mantle for

(01:29:23):
the rest of our lives. Working on really important forgiveness,
also perseverance, and get yourself a faith walk that is
so integral, it's so pivotal that you know, through God's

(01:29:44):
help is grace and mercy, we have the ability to
transform wounds into wisdom. And listen, I am still daring
to thrive. I haven't an yet, but i feel like
I'm on my way and I'm grateful to having been

(01:30:08):
asked to be a member of this of this audience.
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (01:30:13):
It's the emergence. So you've arrived because you're here, sir.
All right, let's go to Katherine.

Speaker 13 (01:30:23):
So if I could have written a letter to myself
during that silent season, I would say I can do
hard things, not in my own strength, but because of
what Christ did for me on the roths.

Speaker 3 (01:30:38):
Beautiful, beautiful, listen, all of you have poured and everyone
that are watching, come on. Put those emogs in. Let
us know that you're connecting.

Speaker 2 (01:30:49):
Connect. Connect.

Speaker 3 (01:30:50):
If it was TD, put TD Heart's hard art, if
it's Naomi hard heart art, if it was to meet
a hard heart art, Greg, bring the drums, Catherine and
show them the love, all right, and do connect with
them if you find any one of them relatable when
you do reach out to them, okay, because their links
will be here the bio. When you do reach out

(01:31:10):
to them, tell them you saw them on the she
Mergents or virtual conference or Emerging and Power.

Speaker 2 (01:31:16):
All right.

Speaker 3 (01:31:16):
They need to know that their message would able to
reach you, all right on today, So we sad to go,
sad to let everybody go. I promise I wouldn't keep
people longer than ninety minutes. We had to go a
little longer because we have many people on the platform,
but everyone that connected during this conference must know that

(01:31:39):
your purpose, you've turned your pain into purpose, and your
life is a testimony, all right, which is a lifeline for.

Speaker 2 (01:31:45):
Those who are watching.

Speaker 3 (01:31:46):
Whether they're watching now, next month, a year from now,
it will be the right and on time message for
them at that particular season in their life.

Speaker 2 (01:31:58):
So everyone, until next time.

Speaker 3 (01:32:00):
We don't want to keep them because we want you
to come back next week, okay, we want you to
come back and connect again and watch the next people
as they come on. So sorry, we have to say
goodbye for now. All right, Let's tell everybody bye bye,
bye bye, thank you, bye bye.

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