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September 2, 2021 31 mins

The belief is that the more vulnerable we are, the easier we can get hurt or be taken advantage of. But the reality is the pain we are causing ourselves by shutting down and keeping our hearts closed can be greater than what other people may be able to do to us. Life may appear safer when we avoid vulnerability – but it doesn’t make it happier. 

So what can we do when we feel vulnerable? Listen to today’s episode where I talk about being vulnerable and take a look at how we can find strength and wisdom in our vulnerability.

Dr Friedemann’s Takeaways

Intro (00:00)

I’m Opening Up (2:54)

Authenticity vs Vulnerability (6:41)

Alone Time (11:11)

Be Curious (16:02)

Meet Dr Friedemann

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Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD, is the award-winning author of The Fear + Anxiety Solution. Dr. Schaub has helped thousands of people with his Personal Breakthrough and Empowerment program to overcome their fear and anxiety by addressing the deeper, subconscious root causes of these emotional challenges.


Are you looking for more from Dr Friedemann? Check out his “Your Accelerated Breakthrough Program” https://drfriedemann.com/breakthrough-program/.


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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:03):
A sign told me the other day that she only has
casual relationships, becauseshe has been hurt a few years
ago by her boyfriend, and sinceever, then she just doesn't want
to be vulnerable anymore.Another client told me that she
has a hard time making newfriends, because she's much more

(00:27):
focused on what those friendswant her to be, or what
interests she should share withthem, rather than being open and
being vulnerable. Do you alsostruggle with vulnerability, and
that feeling of opening up andletting people see who you are?

(00:52):
I think vulnerability issomething that is in many ways
an issue, a block that standsbetween us, and more deeper and
meaningful relationships. Sowhen you really, look what
vulnerability is, it is a scarything in the dictionary, it

(01:12):
says, exposing yourself to thepossibility of being attacked
either physically oremotionally. Well, yeah, I mean,
if that's what vulnerability isabout, of course, there is
something that we want to avoid.Because, you know, mainly, we
want to avoid being judged andrejected. But I do believe that

(01:34):
we have it backwards, we arelooking at vulnerability from
the wrong end. Becauseultimately, we only make it
about other people. And thepotential eyebrow raising and
negative responses we could get,when we share what's inside of
us. It's like a little bitskiing, you know, when you I

(01:58):
don't know, we like skiing, Ilike skiing, but you would only
think about while I'm puttingmyself on these fiberglass, you
know, thingies, hoping I won'tbreak my leg. Or you would say
I'm getting married. Butultimately, I'm exposing myself
to the risk of getting divorced.There was vulnerability. It's

(02:19):
like, well, I'm opening up. Butultimately, I'm taking the risk
of getting rejected, criticized,regular, ridiculed, embarrassed,
olive, we think about all ofthose things only in regards to
the danger they pose to us.Naturally, it takes a lot of
strength and courage to do themanyhow. But what if we actually

(02:44):
look at vulnerability as notsomething that's about others?
But that's really about us. Andwhat if we are not calling it
vulnerability anymore, but weare calling it authenticity,
being your authentic self.Because then you would say,

(03:07):
well, maybe if I can be myauthentic self, then I can have
deeper and more meaningfulrelationships, because people
know me better. And they canrelate to me more. Maybe when I
am my authentic self, and I'msharing the truth within, I can
also be an inspiration toothers, or maybe they can learn

(03:30):
from my mistakes. Or maybe whenI am more authentic, they can be
more authentic. And then we doalso learn from each other, but
ultimately being authentic.Maybe that's the freedom and
that sense of peace withyourself. That deep inside, I

(03:50):
think we all desire breakingaway from the illusion that we
can only be acceptedconditionally. And that we have
to otherwise blend in or beinvisible, to survive. I think
choosing to be authentic, ratherthan trying to be vulnerable, is

(04:13):
a much better perspective. Nowauthenticity is not easy. That's
like you know, being vulnerableis not easy. But the difference
is, they often think when peopletry to be vulnerable. It's like
inviting people others intotheir home. But the home they

(04:33):
don't really know very well.They don't know where to sit
people that don't know exactlywhere the powder rooms are or
anything like that, because theyhaven't really spent a lot of
time there. Plus, it's not verywell decorated, and maybe it's
even a mess because it neverreally has been decluttered or
cleaned up. So being vulnerableoften means that you are letting

(04:57):
people see you in a Maybe moreconfused or more hurt state and
you're hoping that it's stillgoing to be okay. Hopefully
they're going to like you,hopefully they gonna have mercy
with you or maybe make you feelbetter. So there's always kind
of an agenda with thatvulnerability. Three of you are

(05:20):
seeing, again, the invitation tohave others comment, and join
you or share a time with you. Ifyou see this analogy with
authenticity, your home issomething that you own, your
home is something that you havespent time with that you know,
the ins and outs, you know, thestrength, and maybe the things

(05:43):
that still need to have a littlework done. You know, what you
can share with the people thatcome in the things that you
rather keep private or sharewith very few. But you invite
people not because you want tobe liked, or you want to get
approval, you invite people intoyour home of authenticity,

(06:06):
because you feel that you wantto share and connect with those
people. And it's a joy for youto share that space. That is a
difference between authenticity,and vulnerability. And to become
vulnerable, to become authentic.To become authentic, there is a

(06:28):
little work that needs to bedone. You know, we cannot just
say well, authentic just meansthat I gonna broadcast
everything I'm doing, I gonna doa play by play of all the
thoughts and feeling I'm having,I am bombarding everyone with my
deepest inner secrets, and alsomy judgments, meaning like I

(06:49):
tell my parents, you know, whenthe pod roast sucked on Sunday,
and I gotta tell my boss that,you know, he's really horribly
dressed or whatever, no, that'snot authenticity, that's pretty
much spilling it all out andbeing out of control. You know,
like brandy Brown said, youknow, being vulnerable or

(07:10):
authentic doesn't mean thatyou're broadcasting your, you
know, bikini vaccine life. Itjust means being authentic that
you first and foremost, take aninterest on yourself. When it
takes courage, forvulnerability, it takes self
awareness and curiosity, to gainauthenticity. So rather than

(07:33):
running away from yourself, oralways looking at what other
people won from you, or how youthink you should be in order to
please them, just set some timewith yourself. Look inside,
listen to your thoughts. I had aclient the other day, write down

(07:55):
simply three times a day, howshe feels, and what thoughts she
has connected to those feelings.It was eye opening for her, she
really felt like wow, I finallyactually pay attention to myself
and, and I told her not to judgeherself, or shame herself for
even negative or darkerthoughts, she could just be much

(08:16):
more open and in many waysaccepting and even compassionate
for what was going on inside ofher. And, lo and behold, when we
are more curious, and are nothaving the expectation,
everything has to be perfect,and we have to have it all
figured out. And the onlyemotion that is really
acceptable is happiness, ormaybe having a little bit of

(08:39):
contentment with it. If wereally let all of those things
go and just go in with curiosityand saying, Who am I really? Why
am I responding to certainsituations? without emotion? Why
am I doing certain thingshabitually? Is that really still
something that is in alignmentwith me? Or is it something that

(09:02):
I'm forcing myself to do?Because that's familiar. And
maybe that's what's expectedfrom the outside. You're just
asking yourself some reallyopening questions to gain a
deeper understanding. And again,being more you know, the
anthropologist who is interestedin finding out what you're all

(09:23):
about, rather than the judge whosays you're good or bad, then
you start to get a betterrelationship with yourself. And
then you feel also a deepersense of self responsibility,
where you're noticing, Hmm, Ihave these patterns. I'm slave

(09:44):
driving myself to overwork orI'm never giving myself rest. Or
I have the pattern of always youknow, pleasing others and never
really asking for help myself.And then you realize that that
will really feel Right anymore,there's something out of
alignment, it's not reallyauthentically who I want to be,

(10:06):
and who I am. And then graduallyyou change those patterns. And
that is a form of authenticitythat you're sharing with others.
So it's not about sharing allthat's going on in sight. By
sharing things that are more inalignment with you, you know,
maybe you can shareauthentically, that, you know,

(10:28):
you want to also be someone whois not telling the person that
you usually only listen to
what's going on what ishappening in your life, or maybe
you feel like authentically,it's important for you to not
always be available to, youknow, go on the weekends out and

(10:50):
you know, have parties or allthose things that you may have
felt you need to do, but thatyou need some quiet time, and
that you sometimes also needsome alone time. That showing
the world more your preferencesmore, what really is feeling
right to you, that is a form ofauthenticity, that you know, for

(11:13):
some may feel like, Oh, that'svulnerable, because somebody may
not like it. But if you own it,and if you feel that this is
your relationship to yourself,that counts your opinion of what
is right for you, that mattersmore than the opinions of
others, being authentic, isultimately being free. And then

(11:37):
you're allowing also others tobe free with you. Because I
noticed this all the time, howoften we are worried about
getting judged, because in ourmind, we are judging others all
the time. So it's almost as ifwe are setting ourselves up to

(12:00):
live in a world where judgment,criticism, good and bad is
normal. And we judge ourselvesas much as we judge others. And
so we are assuming naturallyWell, everyone probably does
that. But is that really true,and Is it really necessary. So
if we are becoming moreauthentic, allowing people just
to be themself, whether they arepretending to be this way,

(12:25):
whether they have still a fearof opening up exposing
themselves, whether they havenow also found a way to express
what's going on inside of themfrom an authentic place. And it
may not really what we used tohear from them, having that
decision of not judging them.And just also embracing their

(12:46):
authenticity as a win. Thatallows hopefully, in all of your
relationships, a ripple effectto go through, where we can all
root for each other's realnessand authenticity, where we no
longer creating these threatsand dangers for others because
they are afraid of beingthemselves and where we are

(13:09):
leading by example, and showingthe joy of just being authentic
and real. Now that takes alittle work. being authentic,
instead of being vulnerable islike learning a new language.
You know, when you arevulnerable, and you're afraid

(13:31):
you're speaking a differentlanguage, and you just say the
bare minimum because you'reafraid of being ridiculed. When
you're feeling more and moreauthentic, that doesn't mean
that you are broadcasting on TV,a big speech because you may not
really know your authenticity,yet so clearly. So being

(13:51):
authentic, as the analogy of alanguage may mean that you're
sharing this also justgradually, maybe with a person
that you feel the closest withor the most comfortable with.
And then you are graduallyventuring out and having more
experiences and conversations inthat authentic way. The point

(14:14):
is, take your time. Don't worrythat well I need to be now
authentic, right in this momentand all the time. Just see it as
a longer journey, a journey hometo yourself a journey where
you're creating a space withinyou that is so solid and so

(14:37):
safe. And where you know so muchwho you are and what you're
about that nothing from theoutside can shake you up. You
may be open to hear, you knowother people's input and
consider suggestions orfeedback, but it doesn't feel
like an earthquake. Like itoften fails. When We are

(15:00):
vulnerable. And then we arefeeling shaken up. As soon as we
don't get the response we want.And you feel that authenticity
and you're sharing thisauthenticity. You know, whatever
your share is something youstand behind. And whatever
people feel about them, isusually seeing way more about
them, then about yourself. Sonext time you're afraid of being

(15:27):
vulnerable,
just realize, well, maybe I'mafraid because I don't really
know and appreciate myselfenough. Maybe it's not about yet
feeling okay, I have to be morevulnerable. It's apparently
really something that societyones and social media, people
always talk about how vulnerablethey are. But ultimately, it's

(15:51):
kind of a pretendedvulnerability, because it has an
agenda, the agenda to get somepositive affirmation, some legs,
some nice comments. And it'sreally not necessarily a self
contained sense of, I'm justsharing this, because this is my
truth. And it doesn't reallymatter what you think about it,

(16:14):
I hope it's inspiring you, Ihope it's making you you know,
think about something deeper.But it is not something that I
need to feel either I have toapologize or need to get some
approval for. So when you reallynext time going to this place

(16:36):
off, I'm afraid of myvulnerability of being
vulnerable. Just change yourthoughts to I am curious about
how to know myself better, howto embrace myself more how to
find out more, what it is thathome within that home of

(16:56):
authenticity and truth. And thenwhen I'm feeling comfortable, I
am ready and open to inviteothers into join me in that
space. So no rush, no need toforce yourself to be vulnerable.
But maybe that feeling ofvulnerability is just a reminder

(17:17):
that it's time to spend a littlebit more with yourself and be a
little bit more open to figureout how amazing you truly are.
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