May 17, 2021 • 34 mins
Edythe talks to her guest, Tom, about his traumatic past, facing fears, and healing. This episode mentions sexual abuse, and listener discretion is advised.
Welcome to emotional intelligence at work - aka EQ at Work.
This series features interviews with people who have overcome significant difficulties by using the concepts of emotional intelligence.
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Welcome to emotional intelligence at work - aka EQ at Work.
This series features interviews with people who have overcome significant difficulties by using the concepts of emotional intelligence.
---Connect with us!
https://facebook.com/eqatwork
https://instagram.com/eqatwork1
https://twitter.com/eqatwork1
YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/c/ATopCareer
Web Site
https://eqatwork.net
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
You can't cry over spilled milk. You gotta keep going,
You gotta keep going forward. And I take charge of
being me and being in charge of me and who
I want to be. And I want to be a nice, kind,
loving person, and that's who I'm gonna be.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
The victims of sexual abuse aren't always children, and they
aren't always girls or women. In this episode, Edith speaks
with her guest about the lingering effects of abuse, stereotypes,
and healing and since this episode is of a sensitive nature,
so listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Hi, folks, I'm your host, Edith Richards, and you may
know me from my podcast series Myers Briggs Question Corner
or my website at top career dot com. I've spent
the last twenty years of my career helping people get
smart about their careers. And I've found that lots of
smart people aren't successful.
Speaker 4 (01:07):
Why is that.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
I'm convinced it's due to emotional intelligence in EQ At work,
I'm bringing you inspiring people and messages to help you
get smart about your emotions. Seventy percent of adults in
(01:33):
the US alone have experienced some type of traumatic event
at least once in their lives. According to the National
Council for Behavioral Health, trauma occurs when a person is
overwhelmed by events or circumstances and responds with intense fear, horror,
and helplessness. There's a direct link between trauma and health
(01:56):
conditions such as diabetes, COPD, heart disease, cancer, and high
blood pressure. Trauma is also a risk factor in nearly
all behavioral health and substance use disorders. Unfortunately, there's often
a resistance to the process of healing due to the
(02:16):
intense emotions which the person has to relive as a
part of recovery. Yet nothing else will yield better results
than healing the wounds of trauma. My guest today has
gone through many traumatic events. Tom's recovery is ongoing, but
perhaps more than any other person I've met, has become
(02:36):
a master at resilience, and that is only possible through consistent,
mindful use of emotional intelligence. Tom, Welcome to EQ at Work.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
I'm so pleased you're here today to talk about a
very difficult topic, and I'm truly honored that you've agreed
to talk to us today.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 4 (02:58):
You are most welcome. So can we start by you
sharing a bit with us about where you are now
and what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Okay, Now, I live in a cabin where I'm pretty isolated.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
So you're kind of living off the grid.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I'm living off the grid as much as I can. Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
Wow, how did that happen? How did you come to
be where you are now?
Speaker 1 (03:23):
So? It started as a vacation home in two thousand
and four, but through some intense counseling and such, I've
became aware of some problems that I had growing up
that has caused me to move to an isolation type
way of life away from people.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
Wow. To someone like me, that doesn't sound like a
positive place to be. But you almost sound like you're content.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Oh, I absolutely love it. I don't have issues with
airplanes and helicopters flying over all day. I don't have
jackhammers beating on the streets all day. I don't have
ambulances and fire trucks all day and all night running
by my house.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
Yeah. So it's nice and quiet.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Nice and quiet.
Speaker 4 (04:09):
That's good. So you mentioned that there were some events
that led you there to where you are now, and
I know you've shared some events that have happened in
your childhood. To me, that really served as a very
wobbly foundation.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Yeah, And using this metaphor, you've kind of spent your
life rebuilding that foundation.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
This is true. I can give you some history if.
Speaker 4 (04:32):
You like, sure, whatever you're willing to share.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
So I've been knownst to me for many years. I
was sexually assaulted by a babysitter when I was like
seven years old and she was like fourteen. And from
there I was assaulted in the military sexually, and then
I've had situations where the law has lied against me
(04:58):
in the court of law. And if you just feel
like isolation keeps me away from the evils of our ways.
Speaker 4 (05:06):
That's a lot to go through. You were seven, you said.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
When the original Yes, yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
Do you mind if I ask how old you are now?
Speaker 1 (05:14):
I'm fifty five, Okay.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
So that's a lot to live with for all of
those years.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Yes, ma'am. But as your topic of emotional intelligence, I've
been given some skills. I don't know if it's from
spiritualness or psychological counseling medications, but I've found a way
to live life in a way that's happy for me.
I don't carry all the hurts and pains of it anymore,
I've been able to let it go.
Speaker 4 (05:41):
Well, I'm so pleased to hear that. But I imagine it's
taken you a while to get to this point.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Oh, it's a and I'm not done with the journey.
It's definitely an ongoing process.
Speaker 4 (05:51):
Yeah, well talking about that, would you be open to
talking about how these events have affected you personally professionally?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Oh? Sure. So I was involved with the military sexual
Trauma group at the VA Hospital in Washington, DC, and
there was twelve of us in the group, and eleven
of us were entrepreneurs. We all worked for ourselves. I
thought that to be very interesting, something that you wouldn't
necessarily think was related to abuse lack of trust for authority.
(06:25):
But most of us all had jobs working for ourselves,
whether it was catering or with me.
Speaker 4 (06:31):
I did tree service, tree service. What's that.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
I trained myself out of climb trees and was able
to do a great job climbing tree So I had
a little niche where if you didn't need a big
tree service, you could just hire a climber to do
the job, and that worked pretty good for me.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
So if I needed a big tree cut down, on
my property or something. You're the guy I would call Huh.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Yes, ma'am. My specialty was more. I'd rather do the
fine tuned proning on fine specimens as dogwoods or redbuds,
you know, even a master oak. You know, getting up
in there and getting all the dead wood out and
cleaned it up and keeping it beautiful would be my
first choice over cutting it down.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
Wow. A lot of physical work that's involved with that. Huh.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Oh, yes, ma'am. I envy those days that I had
the energy. Actually, in my earlier life, I despised the
word lazy. I thought that was you know, somebody said
I was lazy, I would be very upset with them.
And now if you say I'm lazy, I won't agree
with you. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
I guess that happens with age. Huh. So how long
have you been doing the tree service.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Well, I've actually not been in the tree service now
for about five or six years, but I did it
for probably close to thirty years of my life.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Wow. So that was your business. And when you say
you were an entrepreneur, that's kind of what you did.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
That was my Yeah, I worked for myself and I
helped other people that were in need. You know, I
was always trying to find people that were homeless or
something that needed work, and then I would pay him,
you know, more than normal rates.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Wow. So to help with the tree service, you would
go out and recruit homeless people that you met.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
That's correct.
Speaker 4 (08:15):
Oh nice.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, I paid them above you know, the going rate
because I know how it is to be close to homeless.
Oh yeah, I lost my job. Well. First, I had
a gentleman that I loaned my truck to. I did
a tree job and my helper wanted the firewood, so
I let him use my truck and trailer to go
get the firewood, and then returning home, he decided to
(08:40):
run from the police and destroyed my car on my
truck and trailer and all my tools.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
And that was right when the recession started hitting. So
I never really recovered from that, you know, replaced my trailer, truck, saws, ladders, everything.
I never And then I got a job working for
Horizon as an outside plant technician, working as alignment basically,
and was laid off after three years. And at that
(09:08):
point I was unemployed for thirty six months or so.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
Oh wow. So even though you've done the tree service
for thirty plus years. You've had other jobs as well.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That's right, Well, just at the tail end here. And
I was in the military, I've said before, and when
I first got out of the military, I worked for
a grocery store. Then I was a full time dad
for a while. That's when I got into the tree service.
Since then, I've went to Verizon.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Okay, And what were you doing with Verizon?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
It's an outside plant technician, as the title of the job. Okay, okay,
So the first part, I've worked twice there. The first time,
as in my primary job was running five or optics,
and then I was laid off and then I was
rehired by Verizon three years later. That primary job was
an electric company would come by and replace the telephone pole.
(10:02):
When they would move the electric lines from the old
pole to the new pole, it would leave the bottom Comcast, Verizon,
and sometimes a city or the state lines on the pole,
and I would come by and transport from the old
pole to the new pole.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
I see.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
And I would do two three of those every single day.
To let go again.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
Yeah, So for a lot of entrepreneurs, I mean, I
can completely relate to this myself. You don't have that
regular stream of income, so you have to pick up
these other jobs and then sometimes you'll be able to
get health insurance and all the perks that come with
those jobs. But it sounds like from what you said before,
that entrepreneurship is better suited for you.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Yeah. Well, that's been one very good benefit that I've
had is I've had military benefits through it all. Whether
I was a Verizon or whether I was working for myself,
I always had from my disability in the military second trauma,
I've always had free medical care.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
So the military provided you with the medical care because.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Of that, yes, ma'am. And I still get it today. Wow.
And the rest of my life is all my medical
is taken care of, Psychiatric is taken care of, psychological
is taken care of. My dental's taken care of. My
vision's taken care of, my hearing's taking care of. Everything's
taken care of.
Speaker 4 (11:22):
That's a great benefit.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
That's a great benefit.
Speaker 4 (11:25):
And part of that was also the group recovery that
you were in.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Yes, Yeah, that was a military sexual trauma group that
I was involved in, and that was a blessing. It
was actually the first time I was ever able to
talk in public about the sexual trauma that I endured.
Speaker 4 (11:42):
I find it really interesting what you said as well.
Eleven out of the twelve participants were all entrepreneurs.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Well, and now there was other things, and I wish
I could think of them, but there was many other things.
There was similarity between us. Yeah, how we took pills
towards police, for example. Distrust the distrust for authority was
one of those that ran rampant.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
How do you even begin to come to terms with that?
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Well, there's a there's an aspect that's very spiritual. You
have to have faith in a higher power. And I'm
not saying I'm Christian or Buddha or Jewish or anything.
I just have a higher power that has a tendency
to only give you what you can handle. You know,
you got to have faith in your higher power, keeping
you going in the positive direction. When things happen, you
(12:35):
try to make the best of it, try to think
of a way to make it, some way that you're learning.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
Yeah, it's almost a sense of optimism.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
It's definitely optimism. You can't wallow in the negativity that
just will eat you up inside. You got to stay positive.
And that's not always easy, but I forced myself. You know,
sometimes when I wake up in the morning time, I
I I have to think about all the things I'm
thankful for, you know, whether it's just toilet paper, or
(13:04):
my kids, or my mom or Beyonce and my puppies.
And there's a lot of things to be thankful for.
And during the coronavirus here, you know, I'm isolated, which
I love, but the coronavirus has made everybody need to
be isolated.
Speaker 4 (13:20):
Well. I think one thing that especially somebody like me,
doesn't think about being thankful for is toilet paper. And
for you living off the grid like you are, I mean,
it's you've got to be thankful for that.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
I have two hundred rules of toilet paper. Wow, I'm
not going to ever be short that again. But I've
had to go to McDonald's and use napkins. Oh wow,
there's been rough days. You just got to keep your
chin up and keep moving forward and don't let you know.
Everybody in life has problems. Race is in the part
(13:59):
of it. Finance is a part of it, you know,
although if you have a lot of money, you don't
have problems with paying bills. Probably a big reducer. But
nobody's born in a rose garden. I heard one song say.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
That's a good quote, and it's something I think the
average person we forget to do it. We forget to
just to sit there and be thankful for all the
good in our lives, whether it's it's toilet paper. But
you just had a whole list of things there that
you were thankful for.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Well sometimes though, it's hard to think of any of them,
but the toilet paper. As time goes on, your list
gets longer. Well, for that's how unfolded for myself.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Yeah, it's great you have this strategy. I can't even
begin to think about what you were saying there with
the authority figures in your life, because we've all just
in our day to day lives, we have to contend
with authority figures, our bosses at work. You know, you
mentioned the police we're encountering. We encounter law enforcement every
(15:04):
day and all of these events that are going on now.
So if you already set up with this foundation that
you have to distrust authority, it must have been difficult
to come to terms with that.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
At this point in his story, Tom talked about how
his childhood was spent moving from place to place as
his stepfather was in the army. Ironically, Tom talked about
having friendly relationships with the police in several of his neighborhoods,
most notably when he lived in Maryland. It wasn't until
his mother moved his family to a low income neighborhood
(15:40):
in Virginia when Tom was sixteen that he begun having
negative encounters with law enforcement.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
My mom got a place, like a low income place,
and I wasn't even there a week and I had
a police officer telling me to freeze, shine on his
lights on me, and I stopped. He raised my hands
like he says, and then he comes to me, slams
me down on the ground real hard and then says, sorry,
you know, you fit the description of somebody else that
(16:09):
was involved with the robbery or something.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
And this was when you were in the low income place.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
The low income home. Yeah. And the reason I was
telling you about living at my grandfather's is because it
really baffled my psyche. While the police and Maryland were
so nice and kind and playing basketball and being kind,
and then when I get to Virginia in Fairfax, the
police were like really mean and that that was just
one situation. Another time I was pulled over. Actually they
(16:39):
thought I was a bank robber. The cop was only
on the force for two weeks. I thought he was
pulling me over because I didn't have a tag on
the back of the car in my I worked at
Central Motors for a summer when I first got out
of the military, and I was driving their car and
I had a dealer tag up in the windshields, so
I was showing them and they're taking the gun halster
unsnapping and yelling at me and against take me out
(17:02):
of the car, slam me on the ground, put their
knee in my back and my neck. It's one hundred
degrees outside. There's glass and all these small rocks there.
They closed root one down and brought a bank teller.
Thank goodness. She said it wasn't me.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
So that was your second incident with the police and
a mistaken identity.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Oh well, there's many more. I've been pulled over, you know,
for somebody thinking I was dumping trash illegally and I
had an orange van with a pop up trailer camper
that I turned and he said somebody would fit in
my description, and nobody had that description Wow. Hey, but
this last event, that's two years ago, I had two
(17:42):
police officers lie against me in the court of law.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
That's crazy, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
I was putting my life on the line for this country,
for us to have a free country, and for police
to get in front of the judge and lie against me,
I found so appalling, so heinous. And this was right
before the Black Lives Matter movement. I feel for because
(18:07):
I'm white and they're treating me like crap. I'm sure
that the inner city black youth is getting it so
much worse with police lion. The New York has a
word for it, test the lion. And what's happened is
the police defense will show video from let's say, a
hotel that disputes the police story, and the prosecutor only
(18:30):
dismisses it. The police officer that filed the arrest and
all that doesn't get any consequence whatsoever. It's horrific and
it's rampant. We're worried about police killing people, Yeah, that's
a major problem, but there's a ton of stuff underlying
that they're doing every day and getting away with it.
Follow the Innocence Project. Unfortunately, I never heard of them
(18:54):
before my wrongful conviction. But it's sad to me, and
it's gonna be where I put my money when I'm
sending all my money to the Innocence Project, because they're
letting people out that's been prosecuted, found guilty, and thrown
in jail for twenty and thirty years and DNA is
exonerating them. And it happens every day. They're more and
more are getting exonerated. And these police officers that lied
(19:17):
against me, I just can't comprehend why they would do that.
What motivates a police officer to lie against somebody. There
must be some kind of institutional thing going on that
it gives these guys that get convictions, and the prosecutors too,
they get convictions that that gives them data boy points,
and that's not fair to the innocent.
Speaker 4 (19:38):
And you've got to wonder, like, why me. I mean,
you're somebody who you know was minding your own business.
You got through school, yes, ma'am, you went to the
military to serve your country, and then you know you've
been trying to help people. You've got to wonder.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
I had many, many people. I had twenty people from
firefighters and other professionals, lawyers, and stuff that wrote letters
on my behalf. Maybe I should tell you what happened,
because I am not one hundred percent innocent. I did
mess up. I was in a parking lot and I
was going around a car that was going a truck actually,
(20:15):
that was going like two miles an hour. When I
was trying to go around him, he speeded up and
I just thought he didn't see me, so I haunt
my horn and let him know I was coming back over.
And he had some speed bumps in front of him,
and I thought he was slow down, but he didn't,
and he hit me, and I hit somebody else, and
they didn't want to talk to anybody. I tried to
communicate with them, but they didn't want to talk to
(20:36):
me until the police got there. I went and I
changed my tire, I did a whole bunch of other stuff,
put the tire back in test drove the car in
the parking lot, and I had food in the oven,
and I went home and I turned stove off and
was heading back when the police showed up, and they
gave me two tickets for hit and run. I didn't
(20:57):
leave information. This is true, and that's what they prosuted
to me. For but the second part of the law
says that if you can't be in touch with the police,
I should report to the police immediately, and I never
had the opportunity to do that. And the first police
officer lied and said I told him that I left
this immediately after I changed my tire, which was not true,
(21:17):
but that gave justification for them to say I was
running from the accident when I stayed there for an
hour after the collision and was worried about my house
burning down. And then the other police officer told him
that I didn't want to do a breathalyzer because I
didn't know how drunk I was, which was totally fabricated.
I didn't admit to drinking anything. One of the witnesses
(21:39):
said I was intoxicated at the scene, but there was
no evidence of that. And the cop got up in
my face and was shining light in my face, and
I was asking what he was doing, and he started
spitting all over me. Can't you follow simple instructions as
a whole bunch of his spits coming all over my face?
And here I was being cooperative and telling him I
was in the parking lot involved in the collision, and
(22:01):
I'm telling them everything, and then he was getting rude
to me, and then he told the judge that I
told him I didn't want to do the breathalyzer because
I didn't know how drunk I was. And that wasn't
true either. They both lied to try to get their
convictions to stick.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
So you weren't intoxicated.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
No, not at all. I hadn't had anything to drink, zero.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
Had zero to drink. You did just forget to leave
your information at the scene.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
But you I didn't actually know that it was a
law that I had to leave all that stuff. When
I was younger again, when I was like eighteen, I
was involved with an accident in a parking lot. I
just got this car. It was an old Dart and
I just got the car. I was kid, could barely
have insurance on it, and I got the minimum liability.
(22:44):
And I'm in a parking lot and here comes this
guy clabbers me. I'm not moving at all. I'm standing still,
and the police come and the police tells me that
it's a parking lot. You know, I got to take
care of me and they got to take care of them.
So when this act didn't happened in the parking lot.
I wasn't one hundred percent aware of the law that
(23:05):
I had to leave all that information. I knew I
watched them take a picture of my license plate, and
I had written down their tag numbers, so I knew
I had a way of being in touch with them.
Speaker 4 (23:16):
It's hard when things like this happen. I think the
average person just does not know about all these different
facets of the law. And I mean, how can we
know every little thing that we're supposed to know.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
That goes on even much deeper than a little conversation
we can have here. Because they got lawyers that just
do the Constitution. They got lawyers that just do internet
or international law, and they got domestic law, and they
got divorce law, they got criminal law, civic law, they
got so many different laws that lawyers do don't have
(23:49):
all the answers.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Yeah, there's specialties out there, and you really do have
to be a specialist in so many, so many ways. Today,
all these incidents with law enforced, it's got to make
you wonder, what is it about me that seems to
cause this to happen.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
I've asked that question to myself a million times over
my life. I think it has to do with that
I look low class. I'm not a person that cares
about looking like brand new clothes every time I go outside. Okay,
I don't mind wearing holy clothes or things like that.
And I think that the society has a way of
(24:30):
being judgmental to that.
Speaker 4 (24:32):
Yet you have done so many things I think that
an average person has not done. You served in the military.
And after the military, did you go to school or.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Yes, ma'am. I actually started out at community college and
then I moved on to get a social work degree.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
So you got your bachelor's degree.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I have my back. It took me seven years. I'm
a little slow. That was full time as hard as
I could seven years.
Speaker 4 (24:58):
Well, a lot of people take a long time to
get a degree, you know, and there's always starts and stops,
and but you know the fact that you set out
to do that and you did it, and you have
your bachelor's degree.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Now, yes, ma'am, and I and I really appreciate it.
I really thought I wanted to help other people that
were coming up in a difficult situation like me. But
I found that the people and the professional social workers
don't like people that actually work the way up. They
liked the studious type of social workers.
Speaker 4 (25:31):
What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Well, when I had my first off, I had very
difficult time finding work as a social worker with only
a bachelor's degree, when you have many colleges around here
pumping out hundreds and hundreds of master degree students working
for way little than they should be.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
So, but I found that the field of social work
for me, they didn't necessarily like my type. That they
were struggling, that came up on their own bootstraps. Even
though that they're helping people, let's say, in food stamps
or in trouble kids or mental retardation. Even though they're
helping people that way, they do it not from a
(26:10):
point of view where they've been there. It's from a
studious point of view.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
Now that's surprising to me, because there's a school of
thought that if you've experienced something yourself, you're better equipped
to help others who are in that challenging situation.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
That's what I would think too, And when I was
actually in the work of practice and social work, people
would say to me, how do you know you ever
been addicted to drugs or how do you know you've
ever been abused by your father, and I never could
really answer them that my truth was. But that was
a concern for a lot of my clients that I
did deal with is you know, they didn't think I
(26:46):
could relate to them because I hadn't necessarily experienced their experience.
People are abused, people you know, are in terrible situations
and grow up in rough times, and it's very difficult
for people like me to get to the point of
getting a bachelor's degree. It's very very difficult, not having
resources financially and such. It's very very tough journey, and
(27:08):
the military was very grateful in helping me.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Edith and Tom talked for a bit about the cost
of higher education and how today's young people are riddled
with student debt. Tom's sons are now in college, and
of course their futures are a huge concern for him.
One positive difference that Tom's kids have is a father
who equipped them as best he could with resources to
(27:35):
help them solve problems on their own and to know
where to go for help when they need. As a father,
he provided them with the stable upbringing that he didn't have.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
I got married at thirty two and had two boys,
but at that point. Still I wasn't fully aware of
my sexual abuse, and it showed it's ugly head in
my relationship all time. Actually still shows it's ugly head
every once in a while. I'm blessed that my woman
now has also going through some of the same trauma
(28:09):
I have, so she's very understanding. You can't cry over
spilled milk. You gotta keep going, You gotta keep going forward.
Speaker 4 (28:17):
Yeah, and how did you? How have you managed to
keep going forward?
Speaker 1 (28:22):
That's a great question. There's a part of me that
could be hostile and bitter and nasty and be justified
for all that. I do have some martial art trainings
that's helped discipline that. But I'd like to be caring,
loving person because that's who I like to be. And
I take charge of being me and being in charge
(28:43):
of me and who I want to be. And i
want to be a nice, kind, loving person, and that's
who I'm going to be. And I'm not going to
let lying police officers or anybody else out there that
might betray me wrong stop me from being who I am.
I want to keep being my my I'm not giving
away my power to be anything other than my authentic self.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
If you knew of other people who have been in
similar positions, do you have any advice for them?
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Oh? I got a ton of it. It's okay to
ask for help. Okay, get help from a minister. You
can go. Anybody can go to a final minister that
they like, and that's free of charge, and they're very powerful.
They can give you really great words of encouragement and
help you get from one day to the next. Next
thing would be to their own self, be true, that's important.
(29:35):
Don't let other people control who you are. Be who
you want to be, no matter what. That's the starter.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
I think it's easier said than done for so many
of us, even people who have not experienced the depth
of trauma that you have. But it's really good advice,
especially today.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Well thank you, because, like you said, a lot of
people have a hard time doing it. So if I
hadn't phased these tramas, maybe I would be like other
people and not be able to do this. These traumas
may be beneficial to me and to help me reassure
who I am.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
I think we all need that reassurance from time to time. Tom,
thank you so much for speaking with us today about
some very difficult experiences that you've been through. We're really
grateful for your time.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
You're very welcome and appreciate you giving me a voice
out there.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Thank you. You take care you too.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Trauma can cause stress and can be linked to grief,
but it's not the same as stress or grief, and
it manifests differently for everyone. Throughout the time we were talking,
Tom referenced his optimistic nature again and again. Optimism is
an important element of emotional intelligence, and one might argue
(31:01):
the most important element optimism is the belief, hope, and
confidence that good things will happen in our lives. But
it's not just a blind belief that things will turn
out for the best. People who are skilled in optimism
acknowledge the existence and importance of adversity and choose to
(31:21):
draw upon both internal and external resources that can help
them cope. Research has demonstrated again and again not just
the positive health benefits of optimism, but that people who
believe they are able to cope have a positive outlook
on life and expect good things to happen because they
(31:45):
can control their environments. In Tom's case, he found contentment
controlling his environment by living off the grid, but of
course that won't work for everyone. While it's clear that
being optimistic is benefit, can we learn to take a
more positive perspective. Tom cited three things he does on
(32:07):
a regular basis that help him to be more optimistic
and as a result, have positively contributed to his quality
of life. First, he believes in being of service to others.
He chose to hire homeless people who needed the work offline.
He mentioned several groups he regularly volunteers with and even
(32:28):
got his college degree in social work so that he
could learn how to better help others. Aside from taking
the focus away from your own problems and refocusing on
feeling good about helping others, volunteering boosts serotonin levels in
your brain, which makes you feel happier. He also mentioned
(32:50):
consciously practicing gratitude, and he does this daily. A quick
Google search will yield thousands of articles attesting to the
power of gratitude on our brains, on our health and
our well being. Suffice it to say that gratitude has
such a powerful impact on our lives because it engages
(33:12):
our brains in a virtuous cycle. Once we start seeing
things to be grateful for, our brains will start seeing
more and more things to be grateful for, and we
clearly heard this from Tom Third. Tom keeps a positive outlook.
Stressful events are part of life, but they're also just
(33:33):
a blip on the radar. Optimism takes practice like any
other skill. Ultimately, learning to be more optimistic is more
than just improving your well being and being physically healthy.
As Martin Seligmann, known as the father of modern positive psychology, states,
optimism is invaluable for a meaningful life. With a firm
(33:58):
belief in a positive future, you can throw yourself into
the service of that which is larger than you are.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Thanks for listening to EQ at Work. Find us using
the hashtag eq at work or visit our website eq
at work dot net. Subscribe to this podcast via iTunes, speaker,
or your favorite podcast platform. We'd love you to leave
a rating or review, and if you have a moment,
a simple share would be wonderful. Remember tell your friends.
(34:32):
Mastering your emotions matters. Next week, we'll be speaking with
Eileen Thorman about her near death experience and her work
with hospice patients. It's an inspiring episode that you won't
want to miss.
You can't cry over spilled milk. You gotta keep going,
You gotta keep going forward. And I take charge of
being me and being in charge of me and who
I want to be. And I want to be a nice, kind,
loving person, and that's who I'm gonna be.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
The victims of sexual abuse aren't always children, and they
aren't always girls or women. In this episode, Edith speaks
with her guest about the lingering effects of abuse, stereotypes,
and healing and since this episode is of a sensitive nature,
so listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Hi, folks, I'm your host, Edith Richards, and you may
know me from my podcast series Myers Briggs Question Corner
or my website at top career dot com. I've spent
the last twenty years of my career helping people get
smart about their careers. And I've found that lots of
smart people aren't successful.
Speaker 4 (01:07):
Why is that.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
I'm convinced it's due to emotional intelligence in EQ At work,
I'm bringing you inspiring people and messages to help you
get smart about your emotions. Seventy percent of adults in
(01:33):
the US alone have experienced some type of traumatic event
at least once in their lives. According to the National
Council for Behavioral Health, trauma occurs when a person is
overwhelmed by events or circumstances and responds with intense fear, horror,
and helplessness. There's a direct link between trauma and health
(01:56):
conditions such as diabetes, COPD, heart disease, cancer, and high
blood pressure. Trauma is also a risk factor in nearly
all behavioral health and substance use disorders. Unfortunately, there's often
a resistance to the process of healing due to the
(02:16):
intense emotions which the person has to relive as a
part of recovery. Yet nothing else will yield better results
than healing the wounds of trauma. My guest today has
gone through many traumatic events. Tom's recovery is ongoing, but
perhaps more than any other person I've met, has become
(02:36):
a master at resilience, and that is only possible through consistent,
mindful use of emotional intelligence. Tom, Welcome to EQ at Work.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
I'm so pleased you're here today to talk about a
very difficult topic, and I'm truly honored that you've agreed
to talk to us today.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 4 (02:58):
You are most welcome. So can we start by you
sharing a bit with us about where you are now
and what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Okay, Now, I live in a cabin where I'm pretty isolated.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
So you're kind of living off the grid.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I'm living off the grid as much as I can. Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
Wow, how did that happen? How did you come to
be where you are now?
Speaker 1 (03:23):
So? It started as a vacation home in two thousand
and four, but through some intense counseling and such, I've
became aware of some problems that I had growing up
that has caused me to move to an isolation type
way of life away from people.
Speaker 4 (03:42):
Wow. To someone like me, that doesn't sound like a
positive place to be. But you almost sound like you're content.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Oh, I absolutely love it. I don't have issues with
airplanes and helicopters flying over all day. I don't have
jackhammers beating on the streets all day. I don't have
ambulances and fire trucks all day and all night running
by my house.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
Yeah. So it's nice and quiet.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Nice and quiet.
Speaker 4 (04:09):
That's good. So you mentioned that there were some events
that led you there to where you are now, and
I know you've shared some events that have happened in
your childhood. To me, that really served as a very
wobbly foundation.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Yeah, And using this metaphor, you've kind of spent your
life rebuilding that foundation.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
This is true. I can give you some history if.
Speaker 4 (04:32):
You like, sure, whatever you're willing to share.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
So I've been knownst to me for many years. I
was sexually assaulted by a babysitter when I was like
seven years old and she was like fourteen. And from
there I was assaulted in the military sexually, and then
I've had situations where the law has lied against me
(04:58):
in the court of law. And if you just feel
like isolation keeps me away from the evils of our ways.
Speaker 4 (05:06):
That's a lot to go through. You were seven, you said.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
When the original Yes, yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
Do you mind if I ask how old you are now?
Speaker 1 (05:14):
I'm fifty five, Okay.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
So that's a lot to live with for all of
those years.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Yes, ma'am. But as your topic of emotional intelligence, I've
been given some skills. I don't know if it's from
spiritualness or psychological counseling medications, but I've found a way
to live life in a way that's happy for me.
I don't carry all the hurts and pains of it anymore,
I've been able to let it go.
Speaker 4 (05:41):
Well, I'm so pleased to hear that. But I imagine it's
taken you a while to get to this point.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Oh, it's a and I'm not done with the journey.
It's definitely an ongoing process.
Speaker 4 (05:51):
Yeah, well talking about that, would you be open to
talking about how these events have affected you personally professionally?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Oh? Sure. So I was involved with the military sexual
Trauma group at the VA Hospital in Washington, DC, and
there was twelve of us in the group, and eleven
of us were entrepreneurs. We all worked for ourselves. I
thought that to be very interesting, something that you wouldn't
necessarily think was related to abuse lack of trust for authority.
(06:25):
But most of us all had jobs working for ourselves,
whether it was catering or with me.
Speaker 4 (06:31):
I did tree service, tree service. What's that.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
I trained myself out of climb trees and was able
to do a great job climbing tree So I had
a little niche where if you didn't need a big
tree service, you could just hire a climber to do
the job, and that worked pretty good for me.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
So if I needed a big tree cut down, on
my property or something. You're the guy I would call Huh.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Yes, ma'am. My specialty was more. I'd rather do the
fine tuned proning on fine specimens as dogwoods or redbuds,
you know, even a master oak. You know, getting up
in there and getting all the dead wood out and
cleaned it up and keeping it beautiful would be my
first choice over cutting it down.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
Wow. A lot of physical work that's involved with that. Huh.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Oh, yes, ma'am. I envy those days that I had
the energy. Actually, in my earlier life, I despised the
word lazy. I thought that was you know, somebody said
I was lazy, I would be very upset with them.
And now if you say I'm lazy, I won't agree
with you. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
I guess that happens with age. Huh. So how long
have you been doing the tree service.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Well, I've actually not been in the tree service now
for about five or six years, but I did it
for probably close to thirty years of my life.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Wow. So that was your business. And when you say
you were an entrepreneur, that's kind of what you did.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
That was my Yeah, I worked for myself and I
helped other people that were in need. You know, I
was always trying to find people that were homeless or
something that needed work, and then I would pay him,
you know, more than normal rates.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Wow. So to help with the tree service, you would
go out and recruit homeless people that you met.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
That's correct.
Speaker 4 (08:15):
Oh nice.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, I paid them above you know, the going rate
because I know how it is to be close to homeless.
Oh yeah, I lost my job. Well. First, I had
a gentleman that I loaned my truck to. I did
a tree job and my helper wanted the firewood, so
I let him use my truck and trailer to go
get the firewood, and then returning home, he decided to
(08:40):
run from the police and destroyed my car on my
truck and trailer and all my tools.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
And that was right when the recession started hitting. So
I never really recovered from that, you know, replaced my trailer, truck, saws, ladders, everything.
I never And then I got a job working for
Horizon as an outside plant technician, working as alignment basically,
and was laid off after three years. And at that
(09:08):
point I was unemployed for thirty six months or so.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
Oh wow. So even though you've done the tree service
for thirty plus years. You've had other jobs as well.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That's right, Well, just at the tail end here. And
I was in the military, I've said before, and when
I first got out of the military, I worked for
a grocery store. Then I was a full time dad
for a while. That's when I got into the tree service.
Since then, I've went to Verizon.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Okay, And what were you doing with Verizon?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
It's an outside plant technician, as the title of the job. Okay, okay,
So the first part, I've worked twice there. The first time,
as in my primary job was running five or optics,
and then I was laid off and then I was
rehired by Verizon three years later. That primary job was
an electric company would come by and replace the telephone pole.
(10:02):
When they would move the electric lines from the old
pole to the new pole, it would leave the bottom Comcast, Verizon,
and sometimes a city or the state lines on the pole,
and I would come by and transport from the old
pole to the new pole.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
I see.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
And I would do two three of those every single day.
To let go again.
Speaker 4 (10:23):
Yeah, So for a lot of entrepreneurs, I mean, I
can completely relate to this myself. You don't have that
regular stream of income, so you have to pick up
these other jobs and then sometimes you'll be able to
get health insurance and all the perks that come with
those jobs. But it sounds like from what you said before,
that entrepreneurship is better suited for you.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Yeah. Well, that's been one very good benefit that I've
had is I've had military benefits through it all. Whether
I was a Verizon or whether I was working for myself,
I always had from my disability in the military second trauma,
I've always had free medical care.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
So the military provided you with the medical care because.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Of that, yes, ma'am. And I still get it today. Wow.
And the rest of my life is all my medical
is taken care of, Psychiatric is taken care of, psychological
is taken care of. My dental's taken care of. My
vision's taken care of, my hearing's taking care of. Everything's
taken care of.
Speaker 4 (11:22):
That's a great benefit.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
That's a great benefit.
Speaker 4 (11:25):
And part of that was also the group recovery that
you were in.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Yes, Yeah, that was a military sexual trauma group that
I was involved in, and that was a blessing. It
was actually the first time I was ever able to
talk in public about the sexual trauma that I endured.
Speaker 4 (11:42):
I find it really interesting what you said as well.
Eleven out of the twelve participants were all entrepreneurs.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Well, and now there was other things, and I wish
I could think of them, but there was many other things.
There was similarity between us. Yeah, how we took pills
towards police, for example. Distrust the distrust for authority was
one of those that ran rampant.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
How do you even begin to come to terms with that?
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Well, there's a there's an aspect that's very spiritual. You
have to have faith in a higher power. And I'm
not saying I'm Christian or Buddha or Jewish or anything.
I just have a higher power that has a tendency
to only give you what you can handle. You know,
you got to have faith in your higher power, keeping
you going in the positive direction. When things happen, you
(12:35):
try to make the best of it, try to think
of a way to make it, some way that you're learning.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
Yeah, it's almost a sense of optimism.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
It's definitely optimism. You can't wallow in the negativity that
just will eat you up inside. You got to stay positive.
And that's not always easy, but I forced myself. You know,
sometimes when I wake up in the morning time, I
I I have to think about all the things I'm
thankful for, you know, whether it's just toilet paper, or
(13:04):
my kids, or my mom or Beyonce and my puppies.
And there's a lot of things to be thankful for.
And during the coronavirus here, you know, I'm isolated, which
I love, but the coronavirus has made everybody need to
be isolated.
Speaker 4 (13:20):
Well. I think one thing that especially somebody like me,
doesn't think about being thankful for is toilet paper. And
for you living off the grid like you are, I mean,
it's you've got to be thankful for that.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
I have two hundred rules of toilet paper. Wow, I'm
not going to ever be short that again. But I've
had to go to McDonald's and use napkins. Oh wow,
there's been rough days. You just got to keep your
chin up and keep moving forward and don't let you know.
Everybody in life has problems. Race is in the part
(13:59):
of it. Finance is a part of it, you know,
although if you have a lot of money, you don't
have problems with paying bills. Probably a big reducer. But
nobody's born in a rose garden. I heard one song say.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
That's a good quote, and it's something I think the
average person we forget to do it. We forget to
just to sit there and be thankful for all the
good in our lives, whether it's it's toilet paper. But
you just had a whole list of things there that
you were thankful for.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Well sometimes though, it's hard to think of any of them,
but the toilet paper. As time goes on, your list
gets longer. Well, for that's how unfolded for myself.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Yeah, it's great you have this strategy. I can't even
begin to think about what you were saying there with
the authority figures in your life, because we've all just
in our day to day lives, we have to contend
with authority figures, our bosses at work. You know, you
mentioned the police we're encountering. We encounter law enforcement every
(15:04):
day and all of these events that are going on now.
So if you already set up with this foundation that
you have to distrust authority, it must have been difficult
to come to terms with that.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
At this point in his story, Tom talked about how
his childhood was spent moving from place to place as
his stepfather was in the army. Ironically, Tom talked about
having friendly relationships with the police in several of his neighborhoods,
most notably when he lived in Maryland. It wasn't until
his mother moved his family to a low income neighborhood
(15:40):
in Virginia when Tom was sixteen that he begun having
negative encounters with law enforcement.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
My mom got a place, like a low income place,
and I wasn't even there a week and I had
a police officer telling me to freeze, shine on his
lights on me, and I stopped. He raised my hands
like he says, and then he comes to me, slams
me down on the ground real hard and then says, sorry,
you know, you fit the description of somebody else that
(16:09):
was involved with the robbery or something.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
And this was when you were in the low income place.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
The low income home. Yeah. And the reason I was
telling you about living at my grandfather's is because it
really baffled my psyche. While the police and Maryland were
so nice and kind and playing basketball and being kind,
and then when I get to Virginia in Fairfax, the
police were like really mean and that that was just
one situation. Another time I was pulled over. Actually they
(16:39):
thought I was a bank robber. The cop was only
on the force for two weeks. I thought he was
pulling me over because I didn't have a tag on
the back of the car in my I worked at
Central Motors for a summer when I first got out
of the military, and I was driving their car and
I had a dealer tag up in the windshields, so
I was showing them and they're taking the gun halster
unsnapping and yelling at me and against take me out
(17:02):
of the car, slam me on the ground, put their
knee in my back and my neck. It's one hundred
degrees outside. There's glass and all these small rocks there.
They closed root one down and brought a bank teller.
Thank goodness. She said it wasn't me.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
So that was your second incident with the police and
a mistaken identity.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Oh well, there's many more. I've been pulled over, you know,
for somebody thinking I was dumping trash illegally and I
had an orange van with a pop up trailer camper
that I turned and he said somebody would fit in
my description, and nobody had that description Wow. Hey, but
this last event, that's two years ago, I had two
(17:42):
police officers lie against me in the court of law.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
That's crazy, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
I was putting my life on the line for this country,
for us to have a free country, and for police
to get in front of the judge and lie against me,
I found so appalling, so heinous. And this was right
before the Black Lives Matter movement. I feel for because
(18:07):
I'm white and they're treating me like crap. I'm sure
that the inner city black youth is getting it so
much worse with police lion. The New York has a
word for it, test the lion. And what's happened is
the police defense will show video from let's say, a
hotel that disputes the police story, and the prosecutor only
(18:30):
dismisses it. The police officer that filed the arrest and
all that doesn't get any consequence whatsoever. It's horrific and
it's rampant. We're worried about police killing people, Yeah, that's
a major problem, but there's a ton of stuff underlying
that they're doing every day and getting away with it.
Follow the Innocence Project. Unfortunately, I never heard of them
(18:54):
before my wrongful conviction. But it's sad to me, and
it's gonna be where I put my money when I'm
sending all my money to the Innocence Project, because they're
letting people out that's been prosecuted, found guilty, and thrown
in jail for twenty and thirty years and DNA is
exonerating them. And it happens every day. They're more and
more are getting exonerated. And these police officers that lied
(19:17):
against me, I just can't comprehend why they would do that.
What motivates a police officer to lie against somebody. There
must be some kind of institutional thing going on that
it gives these guys that get convictions, and the prosecutors too,
they get convictions that that gives them data boy points,
and that's not fair to the innocent.
Speaker 4 (19:38):
And you've got to wonder, like, why me. I mean,
you're somebody who you know was minding your own business.
You got through school, yes, ma'am, you went to the
military to serve your country, and then you know you've
been trying to help people. You've got to wonder.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
I had many, many people. I had twenty people from
firefighters and other professionals, lawyers, and stuff that wrote letters
on my behalf. Maybe I should tell you what happened,
because I am not one hundred percent innocent. I did
mess up. I was in a parking lot and I
was going around a car that was going a truck actually,
(20:15):
that was going like two miles an hour. When I
was trying to go around him, he speeded up and
I just thought he didn't see me, so I haunt
my horn and let him know I was coming back over.
And he had some speed bumps in front of him,
and I thought he was slow down, but he didn't,
and he hit me, and I hit somebody else, and
they didn't want to talk to anybody. I tried to
communicate with them, but they didn't want to talk to
(20:36):
me until the police got there. I went and I
changed my tire, I did a whole bunch of other stuff,
put the tire back in test drove the car in
the parking lot, and I had food in the oven,
and I went home and I turned stove off and
was heading back when the police showed up, and they
gave me two tickets for hit and run. I didn't
(20:57):
leave information. This is true, and that's what they prosuted
to me. For but the second part of the law
says that if you can't be in touch with the police,
I should report to the police immediately, and I never
had the opportunity to do that. And the first police
officer lied and said I told him that I left
this immediately after I changed my tire, which was not true,
(21:17):
but that gave justification for them to say I was
running from the accident when I stayed there for an
hour after the collision and was worried about my house
burning down. And then the other police officer told him
that I didn't want to do a breathalyzer because I
didn't know how drunk I was, which was totally fabricated.
I didn't admit to drinking anything. One of the witnesses
(21:39):
said I was intoxicated at the scene, but there was
no evidence of that. And the cop got up in
my face and was shining light in my face, and
I was asking what he was doing, and he started
spitting all over me. Can't you follow simple instructions as
a whole bunch of his spits coming all over my face?
And here I was being cooperative and telling him I
was in the parking lot involved in the collision, and
(22:01):
I'm telling them everything, and then he was getting rude
to me, and then he told the judge that I
told him I didn't want to do the breathalyzer because
I didn't know how drunk I was. And that wasn't
true either. They both lied to try to get their
convictions to stick.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
So you weren't intoxicated.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
No, not at all. I hadn't had anything to drink, zero.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
Had zero to drink. You did just forget to leave
your information at the scene.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
But you I didn't actually know that it was a
law that I had to leave all that stuff. When
I was younger again, when I was like eighteen, I
was involved with an accident in a parking lot. I
just got this car. It was an old Dart and
I just got the car. I was kid, could barely
have insurance on it, and I got the minimum liability.
(22:44):
And I'm in a parking lot and here comes this
guy clabbers me. I'm not moving at all. I'm standing still,
and the police come and the police tells me that
it's a parking lot. You know, I got to take
care of me and they got to take care of them.
So when this act didn't happened in the parking lot.
I wasn't one hundred percent aware of the law that
(23:05):
I had to leave all that information. I knew I
watched them take a picture of my license plate, and
I had written down their tag numbers, so I knew
I had a way of being in touch with them.
Speaker 4 (23:16):
It's hard when things like this happen. I think the
average person just does not know about all these different
facets of the law. And I mean, how can we
know every little thing that we're supposed to know.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
That goes on even much deeper than a little conversation
we can have here. Because they got lawyers that just
do the Constitution. They got lawyers that just do internet
or international law, and they got domestic law, and they
got divorce law, they got criminal law, civic law, they
got so many different laws that lawyers do don't have
(23:49):
all the answers.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Yeah, there's specialties out there, and you really do have
to be a specialist in so many, so many ways. Today,
all these incidents with law enforced, it's got to make
you wonder, what is it about me that seems to
cause this to happen.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
I've asked that question to myself a million times over
my life. I think it has to do with that
I look low class. I'm not a person that cares
about looking like brand new clothes every time I go outside. Okay,
I don't mind wearing holy clothes or things like that.
And I think that the society has a way of
(24:30):
being judgmental to that.
Speaker 4 (24:32):
Yet you have done so many things I think that
an average person has not done. You served in the military.
And after the military, did you go to school or.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Yes, ma'am. I actually started out at community college and
then I moved on to get a social work degree.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
So you got your bachelor's degree.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I have my back. It took me seven years. I'm
a little slow. That was full time as hard as
I could seven years.
Speaker 4 (24:58):
Well, a lot of people take a long time to
get a degree, you know, and there's always starts and stops,
and but you know the fact that you set out
to do that and you did it, and you have
your bachelor's degree.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Now, yes, ma'am, and I and I really appreciate it.
I really thought I wanted to help other people that
were coming up in a difficult situation like me. But
I found that the people and the professional social workers
don't like people that actually work the way up. They
liked the studious type of social workers.
Speaker 4 (25:31):
What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Well, when I had my first off, I had very
difficult time finding work as a social worker with only
a bachelor's degree, when you have many colleges around here
pumping out hundreds and hundreds of master degree students working
for way little than they should be.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
So, but I found that the field of social work
for me, they didn't necessarily like my type. That they
were struggling, that came up on their own bootstraps. Even
though that they're helping people, let's say, in food stamps
or in trouble kids or mental retardation. Even though they're
helping people that way, they do it not from a
(26:10):
point of view where they've been there. It's from a
studious point of view.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
Now that's surprising to me, because there's a school of
thought that if you've experienced something yourself, you're better equipped
to help others who are in that challenging situation.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
That's what I would think too, And when I was
actually in the work of practice and social work, people
would say to me, how do you know you ever
been addicted to drugs or how do you know you've
ever been abused by your father, and I never could
really answer them that my truth was. But that was
a concern for a lot of my clients that I
did deal with is you know, they didn't think I
(26:46):
could relate to them because I hadn't necessarily experienced their experience.
People are abused, people you know, are in terrible situations
and grow up in rough times, and it's very difficult
for people like me to get to the point of
getting a bachelor's degree. It's very very difficult, not having
resources financially and such. It's very very tough journey, and
(27:08):
the military was very grateful in helping me.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Edith and Tom talked for a bit about the cost
of higher education and how today's young people are riddled
with student debt. Tom's sons are now in college, and
of course their futures are a huge concern for him.
One positive difference that Tom's kids have is a father
who equipped them as best he could with resources to
(27:35):
help them solve problems on their own and to know
where to go for help when they need. As a father,
he provided them with the stable upbringing that he didn't have.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
I got married at thirty two and had two boys,
but at that point. Still I wasn't fully aware of
my sexual abuse, and it showed it's ugly head in
my relationship all time. Actually still shows it's ugly head
every once in a while. I'm blessed that my woman
now has also going through some of the same trauma
(28:09):
I have, so she's very understanding. You can't cry over
spilled milk. You gotta keep going, You gotta keep going forward.
Speaker 4 (28:17):
Yeah, and how did you? How have you managed to
keep going forward?
Speaker 1 (28:22):
That's a great question. There's a part of me that
could be hostile and bitter and nasty and be justified
for all that. I do have some martial art trainings
that's helped discipline that. But I'd like to be caring,
loving person because that's who I like to be. And
I take charge of being me and being in charge
(28:43):
of me and who I want to be. And i
want to be a nice, kind, loving person, and that's
who I'm going to be. And I'm not going to
let lying police officers or anybody else out there that
might betray me wrong stop me from being who I am.
I want to keep being my my I'm not giving
away my power to be anything other than my authentic self.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
If you knew of other people who have been in
similar positions, do you have any advice for them?
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Oh? I got a ton of it. It's okay to
ask for help. Okay, get help from a minister. You
can go. Anybody can go to a final minister that
they like, and that's free of charge, and they're very powerful.
They can give you really great words of encouragement and
help you get from one day to the next. Next
thing would be to their own self, be true, that's important.
(29:35):
Don't let other people control who you are. Be who
you want to be, no matter what. That's the starter.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
I think it's easier said than done for so many
of us, even people who have not experienced the depth
of trauma that you have. But it's really good advice,
especially today.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Well thank you, because, like you said, a lot of
people have a hard time doing it. So if I
hadn't phased these tramas, maybe I would be like other
people and not be able to do this. These traumas
may be beneficial to me and to help me reassure
who I am.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
I think we all need that reassurance from time to time. Tom,
thank you so much for speaking with us today about
some very difficult experiences that you've been through. We're really
grateful for your time.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
You're very welcome and appreciate you giving me a voice
out there.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Thank you. You take care you too.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Trauma can cause stress and can be linked to grief,
but it's not the same as stress or grief, and
it manifests differently for everyone. Throughout the time we were talking,
Tom referenced his optimistic nature again and again. Optimism is
an important element of emotional intelligence, and one might argue
(31:01):
the most important element optimism is the belief, hope, and
confidence that good things will happen in our lives. But
it's not just a blind belief that things will turn
out for the best. People who are skilled in optimism
acknowledge the existence and importance of adversity and choose to
(31:21):
draw upon both internal and external resources that can help
them cope. Research has demonstrated again and again not just
the positive health benefits of optimism, but that people who
believe they are able to cope have a positive outlook
on life and expect good things to happen because they
(31:45):
can control their environments. In Tom's case, he found contentment
controlling his environment by living off the grid, but of
course that won't work for everyone. While it's clear that
being optimistic is benefit, can we learn to take a
more positive perspective. Tom cited three things he does on
(32:07):
a regular basis that help him to be more optimistic
and as a result, have positively contributed to his quality
of life. First, he believes in being of service to others.
He chose to hire homeless people who needed the work offline.
He mentioned several groups he regularly volunteers with and even
(32:28):
got his college degree in social work so that he
could learn how to better help others. Aside from taking
the focus away from your own problems and refocusing on
feeling good about helping others, volunteering boosts serotonin levels in
your brain, which makes you feel happier. He also mentioned
(32:50):
consciously practicing gratitude, and he does this daily. A quick
Google search will yield thousands of articles attesting to the
power of gratitude on our brains, on our health and
our well being. Suffice it to say that gratitude has
such a powerful impact on our lives because it engages
(33:12):
our brains in a virtuous cycle. Once we start seeing
things to be grateful for, our brains will start seeing
more and more things to be grateful for, and we
clearly heard this from Tom Third. Tom keeps a positive outlook.
Stressful events are part of life, but they're also just
(33:33):
a blip on the radar. Optimism takes practice like any
other skill. Ultimately, learning to be more optimistic is more
than just improving your well being and being physically healthy.
As Martin Seligmann, known as the father of modern positive psychology, states,
optimism is invaluable for a meaningful life. With a firm
(33:58):
belief in a positive future, you can throw yourself into
the service of that which is larger than you are.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Thanks for listening to EQ at Work. Find us using
the hashtag eq at work or visit our website eq
at work dot net. Subscribe to this podcast via iTunes, speaker,
or your favorite podcast platform. We'd love you to leave
a rating or review, and if you have a moment,
a simple share would be wonderful. Remember tell your friends.
(34:32):
Mastering your emotions matters. Next week, we'll be speaking with
Eileen Thorman about her near death experience and her work
with hospice patients. It's an inspiring episode that you won't
want to miss.
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