April 19, 2021 • 29 mins
Welcome to another episode of EQ at Work, brought to you by career counselor Edythe Richards (MBTI Question Corner).
In this episode, Edythe speaks with Virginia, a Registered Nurse whose husband became incarcerated. This event triggered multiple losses, including Virginia’s own job loss and unemployment, all while she juggled the responsibilities of being a single mom. Tune in to hear how she turned her life around.
EQ at Work. This series features interviews with people who have overcome significant difficulties by using the concepts of emotional intelligence. We publish every Monday.
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In this episode, Edythe speaks with Virginia, a Registered Nurse whose husband became incarcerated. This event triggered multiple losses, including Virginia’s own job loss and unemployment, all while she juggled the responsibilities of being a single mom. Tune in to hear how she turned her life around.
EQ at Work. This series features interviews with people who have overcome significant difficulties by using the concepts of emotional intelligence. We publish every Monday.
---Connect with us!
https://facebook.com/eqatwork
https://instagram.com/eqatwork1
https://twitter.com/eqatwork1
YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/c/ATopCareer
Web Site
https://eqatwork.net
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Don't quit. Don't give up. Your struggles are real and
they are hard, but keep going because my own version
of hell on Earth lasted a very long time, but
it didn't last forever. And if I had given up,
I never would have made it through and I wouldn't
be a nurse today.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
In this episode, Edith has a candid, moving discussion with
her guest about a husband's betrayal, surviving job loss while
being a single mom, answered guests multiple journeys through hell
and back.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
Hi, folks, I'm your host, Edith Richards, and you may
know me from my podcast series Myers Briggs Question Corner
or my website at top career dot com. I've spent
the last twenty years of my career helping people get
smart about their careers. And I've found that lots of
smart people aren't successful. Why is that. I'm convinced it's
(01:02):
due to emotional intelligence in e Q at work, I'm
bringing you inspiring people and messages to help you get
smart about your emotions. My guest today, Virginia, is a
(01:25):
single mother of two adolescent children. Her life turned upside
down eleven years ago, and she spent the last several
years rebuilding This is a story of betrayal, emotional turmoil,
and the collateral damage to not just my guest as
a victim, but to her extended family. We'll hear about
(01:46):
job loss, legal battles, financial difficulties, a career change, midlife,
and everything that goes along with that. Finally, we'll hear
about what it took to bounce back and what the
future holds Virginia. Hello and welcome to EQ at Work.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Hi Edith, and thanks for having me on your show
and allowing me to share my story.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Well, we are thrilled, beyond thrilled that you are here.
So let's just go ahead and dive right in. If
you could share where you are right now?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Okay, Well, like you said, I'm forty nine years old
and i'm a single mom of two children, they're sixteen
and eleven. Right now, I'm a registered nurse and I
work full time in a nursing home taking care of
elderly patients. I'm also a college student right now, taking
a couple of classes at a time to complete my
bachelor's degree in nursing.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Well, you've certainly got a lot going on, and kudos
to you for doing the great work that you are doing.
There's always going to be jobs out there for nurses
and especially people who are specializing in working with the elderly.
So really pleased to hear about that. So I know
there was an incident that occurred a little over eleven
(02:59):
years ago. Can you tell us about that?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Sure? So I went to college right out of high school,
and then I spent about eighteen years building a career,
and I had a great job doing what I loved.
My husband and I both had really good jobs, and
I thought we had the perfect little family. We had
a four year old girl and a six month old
baby boy. We had a nice house. We enjoyed a
very comfortable lifestyle. But my life got turned upside down
(03:24):
one day and my husband got arrested. He had been
living a secret life, like behind my back and committed
some pretty horrible crimes. I knew nothing about it, and
when I found out that he had been arrested and
found out what he had done, I was completely in shock.
I had such a mix of emotions. I was sad,
I was angry, I was in disbelief. I was just
(03:47):
dumbfounded at the idea that he had been doing these
things under my nose for so long, and I hadn't
seen it. I didn't have a clue.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
You just had no idea, no idea that in itself
must have been quite the blow it was.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
And I was terrified because overnight we went from that
perfect little family that I thought we had, and you know,
we were two kids, two parents, double income. We had
been living such a comfortable life, and then all of
a sudden, I was a single parent overnight with a
single income, and I had two little kids at home.
So it was really hard. I had to take the
(04:24):
first week off work after his arrest because I couldn't function.
I went alternately from like fits of rage to fits
of despair. I spent a lot of time crying, and
I was also trying to put on a brave face
and a brave front to act normally for my kid's sake,
because I didn't want to let them see me collapse.
Speaker 3 (04:42):
Yeah, you can't let that happen. And even though you're
just you're carrying up inside, just putting on that breat like,
I can't imagine how hard that must have been.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
It was. It was super hard, and it was It
was a few days before they even knew that their
dad wasn't living with us anymore. Oh so. I mean,
he had worked a different job with different hours than
I did, so they weren't really used to him being
home in the evening. And it was a few days
later when I finally told my daughter that her dad
wasn't coming back home. And all I could tell her
(05:13):
was that he had done some really bad things and
he had to go away to be punished for what
he had done. My son was only like six months old,
so he was too young to understand any of it,
so I didn't really have to explain it to him.
And then after that first week, I went back to
work and I tried to start picking up the pieces
of my life that I was just broken. I made
enough money to support my family on my own, but
(05:35):
we weren't living as comfortably as we had been before.
You know, I had to start watching every dollar I spent,
and we weren't able to enjoy a lot of the
extras anymore, like going on vacations or eating out at
restaurants anytime we wanted to.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Yeah, so you had to be really mindful about expenses.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
I did. Yeah, for about the first month. I was
so angry and I was so hurt over what had happened,
and it was just tearing me up inside. I hated
my husband for what he had done, and the stress
of having to try to deal with it was just
killing me. So after about a month, I finally came
to the conclusion that, you know, if I didn't want
to be living that way the rest of my life,
(06:11):
in order for me to be able to have peace,
I would have to forgive him for what he had done.
And if I didn't forgive him, I just knew there
was no way. I didn't feel like there was any
way I could move on in my life and heal
from the hurt that he had caused me. So I
forgave him and I started to move on with my
new life as a single mom.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Well, I don't even I mean, this might even be
a separate conversation about forgiveness, but you know, how do
you even begin to forgive someone in the midst of
all of that and within a month after all of
this happened. But you know, I want to kind of
get back to the story here, And because your husband
was imprisoned, and so I'm wondering what the effect of
(06:50):
that was on you and on the kids.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Okay. So yeah, after he got arrested, he was out
on bail actually for about six months. And during that time,
like I said, the first month was really hard, but
then I forgave him. I tried to move on, and
I arranged to have some supervised visitation times where he
could see the kids, and I went to the visits
with them so that the kids would feel more comfortable.
(07:16):
But then about six months after his arrest, he got
sentenced to do six years in prison. Hmm, so he
was gone. And then while he was in prison, I
allowed him to still continue to call and talk to
the kids and write letters to them, and I even
allowed the kids to go visit him twice a year.
I would take them. I wouldn't go on the visits myself,
but I had a friend come with me. She was
(07:37):
a good family friend, so she took the kids in
for me so that they could see him.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
What a great friend to have in that case.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Yeah, she was a great support person for me and
still is to this day. I love the woman. My
kids love her. They call her aunt. I never wanted
my kids to be able to accuse me of not
allowing them to have a relationship with her father. So
just because he ruined our Mayorge, you know, he was
still their father, and I tried to make sure that
they could have that relationship with him as much as
(08:05):
possible while he was gone. But it was hard on
the kids too. Yeah, my daughter, he was old enough.
She had had four years of bonding time with him
before he left, and she really missed him. She begged
me to tell her what he had done, but I
really couldn't, you know. All I could tell her was
that I would explain it to her when she was
old enough to understand. My son was about two and
a half years old before he asked me and said
(08:26):
do I have a dad? Mm? Because previous to that,
he wasn't going on the visits because he was too young.
You know, he wouldn't understand. He didn't know who this
man was. But when he asked me if he had
a dad, I tried to explain him that yes, he
had a dad, but he had to go away to
be punished for some bad things that he had done.
And then at that time I started letting him go
on the visits too.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
That must have been devastating to hear that question from
your young child, Your two year old child, Yeah, it.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Was hard, you know. It kind of it punches you
right in the gut when you hear things like that. Yeah.
So I think though, the fact that he went away
affected my daughter the most because she was older and
she did have that time with him previously, right, so
she missed him more. And she also we had a
neighbor who had a girl that was just the same
age as my daughter, and the two of them used
(09:16):
to be friends. They would play together outside or they'd
go to each other's house. But after he got arrested
and the knowledge of what he had done when public,
the neighbors didn't allow their daughter to play with my
daughter anymore.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Hmmm.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
And my daughter didn't understand why her friend wasn't allowed
to play with her anymore. She didn't understand why she
wasn't going to the neighbor's birthday parties anymore, or even
playing out in the backyard. It was all stopped. So
we had been shunned basically by the neighbors, and my
daughter suffered because of it, needlessly, because of the things
that her father had done.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Yeah, these are some of the things that we don't
think about, these effects on you know, the neighbors and
as such on the family.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Yeah, what do you do in that case? Yes, well,
I did my best to try to comfort her, you know,
her pain, though in that it hurt me a lot,
especially because she was innocent. She did nothing wrong, you know,
nor did the rest of our family. It was all
because of him. Yeah, but because what he had done
was public knowledge, the neighbors were afraid that something was
(10:20):
going to happen whatever. So even now, I mean it's
been almost eleven years and the two girls hardly ever
speak to each other, and we still live next door
to each other.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
But oh, my gosh, what a shame.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Yeah, And I sometimes wonder like, how would there have friendship,
you know, transformed, or how would have blossomed if things
had been different. M So. And then my son he
basically had to grow up without a father around for
basically his whole life. He had no memories of his
father because his dad just wasn't there when he was
you know, when he was young. And then for how
it affected me, I guess I'd say that over the
(10:52):
first month, when I was so angry and bitter, I'd
just say after that, I tried to cope the best
I could, you know, it was stressful and it was
hard being a single mom and working full time, but
I managed. I was tired all the time, and I
was just always on the go. But my marriage was destroyed.
But I just, I don't know, I never got divorced
(11:12):
because I didn't see it as being necessary. But you know,
legally I'm still married, but my marriage is over.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
So then fast forward another six years. Your husband was
getting ready to be released from prison. So take us
back to that time.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, So yeah, when my husband was getting ready to
get released, I was trying to be nice to him.
I was trying to help him out, and I wanted him,
you know, to have the best chance at reintroduction to
society that he could. So I was trying to help
him find a place to live. I was trying to
help line up some job, you know, interviews for him.
He had done everything right the whole time that he
(11:51):
was in prison. He did all the programs he was
supposed to, and I really believed that he was remorseful
for what he had done. So I wanted to try
to help him, and I felt that he needed the help.
You know, so much had changed over the six years
that he was gone. So I mean he couldn't even
use a computer at that time, so it made it
really hard for him to try to find a job
or anything. I was just trying my best to make
(12:12):
sure that he was doing everything right, and I really
wanted him to succeed become a productive member of society.
I wanted him to get a fresh start. But unfortunately,
some people found out what I was doing to try
to help him, and they got it into their minds
that I was trying to be devious and trying to
do something to try to help him go out and
commit more crimes after he returned home.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Oh my goodness, and that when that is couldn't be
further from the truth.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Absolutely not. Yeah, but in the end, you know, the
fact that I was innocently trying to help him, it
only caused me more heartache and more devastation.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Oh my goodness. So these people found out what you
were trying to do, They actually were trying to help
your husband take us through that.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Yeah. So because of that false belief that I was
trying to help him do horrible things, I ended up
getting removed from my job. I had been working in
an office that was run by local government, and someone
decided to spread the word that I was somehow doing
something devious. So they sent me home from work one
day and didn't allow me to come back to my job.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Oh gosh, I tell you, when it rains, it pours,
right it did.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah, So you know, once again, I found myself in
that same position. Overnight, my world just turned upside down again,
and again I was in another state of despair, but
this time it was worse. I got physically ill from
the stress of it. We went from one parent household
with an income that barely got through to now I
(13:41):
had no income.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Oh my goodness. Yeah, and then there's no relief either,
because you don't have your partner and so you've lost
your only stream of income now.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Right, I had two kids. I got physically ill the
stress from all of it I was going through that
I couldn't even eat, and like the first six weeks
said I was out of my job, I lost sixty
pounds because I just was not eating.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Oh my goodness, sixty pounds in six weeks.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Yeah, and I wasn't trying.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Oh my gosh, that's terrible. So then after that happened, like,
how do you even begin to bounce back from that?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Well, I started off. I was going through the legal
channels that I had to to try to get my
job back. You know, I was fighting it and I
had a lawyer. I was fighting that situation for two years,
and it was two long years. For two years. During
that time, you know, I needed a job, so I
got just a full time job working in a restaurant.
I was working in the kitchen five days a week.
(14:39):
I also got a part time job working as a
nurse's aid in a hospital nearby, and I was doing
that two days a week. So I was working every
single day just to try to make ends meet. I
was afraid that I was going to lose my house
because I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
And meanwhile, you're trying to raise two pretty young kids.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Yep, it was. It was very difficult, very stressful, very hard.
So you know, I even had a yard sale, trying
to sell off everything that I could possibly get rid
of because I was thinking that we were going to
lose the house, and if I did lose the house,
it would just make it that much easier to move anyway.
And you know, I was trying to get a little
bit of extra income every time I turned around. I
(15:19):
had to say no to my kids because you know,
no I can't buy you that, No we can't go
on vacation, or no, I can't do that, we can't
go out to eat. It was just so many times
I had to say no. It was horrible and it
broke my heart.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
I can't imagine having to go through that. And like
you're saying with the kids, they're innocent in all of this,
and you're innocent in all of this. This was nothing
that you did, and yet you're finding yourself having to
rebuild your life.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Yeah, And during that time that I spent in the restaurant,
that two years, I learned that I did not want
to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life.
I mean, it was hard work and I was on
my feet all day long. I would sometimes come home
and just cry because my body hurts so much, and
I knew that I couldn't do that forever. But also
during those two years I spent, you know, those two
(16:06):
days a week working in the hospital, I often thought
to myself while I was watching the nurses, I was like,
I could do that. I could do what they're doing.
So after two years, you know, I still hadn't been
able to get back into my job, and I decided
that I was done fighting. Enough was enough. I needed
to move on with my life and I just needed
to find a new career where I could be successful
(16:28):
in supporting my family. Good for you.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
You made the leap into a career in nursing.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
I did. I left the restaurant. My first step was
to get a different job where I was working in
a nursing home. And working in that nursing home, I
was working four days a week, and I was also
going to school college locally nearby, working there and going
to school full time to get my degree in nursing.
So I was working as a certified nurse's aid and
(16:56):
then I was going to school to become a nurse.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
Okay, more busy times for you.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Yes, I mean I was working four days a week,
but it was also more like five because I had
to do a little bit of overtime here and there,
and so I was basically working full time and going
to school and raising two kids at the same time.
But you made it, I did, and like one of
the reasons I left the hospital and went to the
nursing home was because they provided a program where you
(17:22):
could get tuition reimbursement for anybody who wanted to further
their career in the healthcare field. Okay, so that's why
I began my college journey towards my associate's degree in nursing.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Okay, good for you. So where are you now?
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Well, I, like I said, I went back to school.
I started my life going back in a positive direction.
I knew that I was missing out on a lot
of time with my kids, and my income level was
still in the dirt. I mean, we were literally living
below the poverty level. Things were finally starting to you know,
to change and to go in a positive direction. Yeah,
I had to kind of suck up my pride a
(17:58):
little bit. I applied for food stamps to ease the
burden financially of feeding my kids, and I also got
some financial assistance to help pay for childcare while I
was working or when I was in school, and I
managed to keep my house. I managed my income tax
deductions on my weekly checks so that I paid more
than what I needed and throughout the year, and by
the time the income tax return came at the end
(18:21):
of the year, I had enough to pay my mortgage
for the following year, so I didn't have to hear
anymore that I was going to lose my house. That's great,
and you know I was doing it. And don't get
me wrong, nursing school was very hard, and it was
made harder by the fact that I was working full
time and being a full time single mom. But I
made it.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Well.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Good for you, Yeah, I can't imagine what an uphill battle.
And how are you doing now?
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Well? I graduated with my associate's degree last May, and
then I passed my nursing exam in July, so I
am a registered nurse. Gratulation, thank you. I'm still working
at the same nursing home that I was at. My
income is a lot higher now, actually doubled from what
it was when I was a CNA to what I
am as a nurse now. So now I'm no longer
(19:05):
receiving financial assistance with daycare, which I don't really need
daycare anymore anyway, but I'm not getting food stamps anymore.
You know, I've gotten off of all of that. Good
and right now I'm continuing my education to earn my
bachelor's degree in nursing, and that's why I'm taking two
classes at a time at another local college. Again, still
working full time, and the nursing home is still helping
(19:26):
me with the tuition for that, so I'm able to
breathe a little bit better now. Financially, it's still hard
doing all of this as a single mom, but I'm
doing what I need to do in order to be
able to provide for my family.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah, there's what a blessing these programs are that a
lot of colleges and universities have or different jurisdictions that
we live in to help people who are in this situation.
I mean, what a blessing. I'm sure that's been for you.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Yeah, and I'm sure there's programs out there for people
other places too. They just have to look and see
what's out there.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Yeah, that's a good point. So you've talked a little
bit about this already, Virginia, about how these events have
affected you a little bit. You've talked about it personally
and professionally. What else would you like to mention?
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Well, I went through Helen back and then I went
right through it all over again. And I've known physical
I've known mental and emotional exhaustion. I've had to swallow
my pride and accept help from other people, and that
was one of the hardest things for me to do. Honestly,
I'm not one to ask for help, but I did
learn though, that sometimes it's really needed. And every time
(20:32):
that someone has helped me, they have done it out
of the goodness of their heart, and I know it
made them feel good to be able to do so,
just as much as it made me feel good to
receive the help. And I can hold my head high
knowing that I have worked very hard to get to
the point where I'm at now, and throughout it all,
I never lost sight of my true character. You know,
I've had some people who treated me horribly during the
(20:53):
whole ordeal that I went through, But I have never
treated anybody horribly the way that some of those people
chose to treat me. I never tried to cheat the
system or felt that anybody owed me anything. I always
put forth my best effort at work. Even when I
was working in jobs that I did not like, I
still showed up to work and I did what I
was supposed to do in order to keep moving forward.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Yeah, and in doing that, I mean I think a
lot of us can relate to being in these situations.
I mean, I'm sure some people tuning in right now
can relate to it if they're in these situations that
you're in, and it's just for whatever reason, it's just
a horrible situation, and you know it's not forever. But maybe,
just maybe we are learning some lesson in this situation
(21:37):
that's going to help us move on to that next
rung in the latter, so to speak.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Right, one very important thing that I learned is that
I had a strength and I had a resilience aside
of me that I didn't know existed. For so long,
it just seemed like so many bad things were happening
to me, and I can't tell you how many times
I thought to myself that my life couldn't possibly get
any worse, and then and then it did again. But
throughout it all, you know, I just kept working and
(22:04):
trying to get through it. At times I was working
on little goals like trying to eat a sandwich during
the day instead of only taking two bites of food
for a day, And other times I had a much
bigger goal ahead of me that took months or even
years to accomplish, like going to school. There were days
when my only goal was just to get through the
day without letting my kids see me cry. You know,
(22:25):
not all days were good, but not all days were
horrible either. I just kept trying to focus more on
the good days.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
And that's what got you through. Yeah, that general sense
of optimism and choosing. And it is a choice because
you use that word earlier. Choosing to see the glass
as half full instead of half empty.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Yeah, Now, there are probably a lot of people who
are tuning in right now who are struggling with similar issues.
I mean it may not be incarceration or a career
change or financial burdens, but you know, I think it's
fair to say that we're all struggling with something. Now,
what would you like to say to them?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
My best piece of advice is just don't give up,
you know, keep going. There's a song by Rodney Atkins
called if You're Going Through Hell, and that song was
my own personal anthem for several years when I was
going through hell, I just had to keep reminding myself
to just keep going, you know, don't quit, don't give up.
Your struggles are real and they are hard, but keep going.
(23:29):
Because my own version of Hell on Earth lasted a
very long time, but it didn't last forever, and if
I had given up, I never would have made it through,
and I wouldn't be a nurse today.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Well said, thank you Virginia for sharing your story. Thank
you so much for being here today. I know it
wasn't an easy story and we really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Well, thank you again, Eith for having me. It was
my pleasure to share that with you.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Resilience isn't about winning. It's the strength to propel forward
and adapt to stressful situations. There are many elements of
emotional intelligence that contribute to our ability to be resilient,
including being self aware, socially adept, and empathetic. When we
have the social and emotional skills to handle the unexpected
(24:25):
events life throws at us, will be better able to
advocate for ourselves, to seek support when needed, and solve
problems effectively. We heard these examples from Virginia. She sought
out legal counsel to help her through her job loss
when she didn't get the results she expected. Instead of
(24:45):
giving up, she sought a new path and persevered through
continued setbacks, but ultimately achieved her goal. Virginia admitted that
she doesn't like to ask for help, but she knew
that she needed and that help in the form of
both financial and emotional support was key to getting her
(25:06):
through the tough times. When I hear Virginia's story, it's
the emotional intelligence element of stress tolerance that comes to mind.
The EQ edge defines stress tolerance as the ability to
withstand adverse events and stressful situations without developing physical or
emotional symptoms by actively and positively coping with stress.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
Stress is a.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
Normal part of life for everyone, but as we know,
too much can have serious consequences physically, mentally, and emotionally.
According to the APA's Stress in America study, nearly seventy
percent of Americans experience physical and mental symptoms of stress,
but only thirty seven percent think that they're doing very
(25:55):
well at managing stress. We can't control all the stress
in our lives, but a few things that most of
us can control are getting enough sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition.
Along with mindfulness meditation, these are known to reduce the
symptoms of stress in our lives. A couple other strategies
(26:17):
to boost stress tolerance know what your triggers are. Stress
can have a number of causes, but most of us
have a few triggers. For many people, being disrespected or
believing we're disrespected tops the list. We may also feel
stressed if we're not being listened to, or our needs
(26:38):
aren't taken into account, or we see someone else being
treated unfairly. Understanding our strong emotional reactions is an important
step in building resilience. Don't demand perfection of yourself or others.
Many perfectionists fear that if they let go of their
(26:59):
incredibly standards, it will hurt their performance and their status,
so they cling to their perfectionism even when it's counterproductive.
We're never going to be perfect. Yet the more we
seek perfection, the more failure will haunt us, and the
more pressure we put on ourselves and others. So give
(27:19):
yourself and your team or your family a break. And
for some people, there's this need for instant gratification. When
they don't get what they want at the precise moment
they want it, they throw the adult version of a
temper tantrum, and we may see this in the form
of quickly pacing back and forth, aggressive hand gestures, intense
(27:42):
speaking voices, and overall irritability. This leads to long term dissatisfaction.
You're unhappy and unfulfilled because you forego long term benefits
in favor of short term pleasures and temptations. Way to
start to get a handle on this, immediately distract yourself.
(28:04):
Count to three, or five or ten. One of my
favorite exercises is picturing a stop sign or just saying stop.
This refocuses the mind on something more productive. Anticipating success
and sharing your wins is what shows competence and maturity
(28:25):
and emotional intelligence. By not allowing difficult situations to get
the best of us and keep us down, we can
rise above, believe we can survive and even thrive because
we have endured struggles. Give it a try yourself by
putting EQ to work.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Thanks for listening to EQ at Work. Find us using
the hashtag EQ at work. Visit our website eq at
work dot net. Subscribe to this podcast via iTunes, speaker,
or your favorite podcast platform. We'd love you to leave
a rating or review, and if you have a moment,
a simple share would be wonderful. Remember tell your friends.
(29:10):
Mastering your emotions matters. Tune in next week when Edith
speaks with her guest about NLD, or nonverbal learning disorder.
The invisible disability that you've probably never heard of.
Don't quit. Don't give up. Your struggles are real and
they are hard, but keep going because my own version
of hell on Earth lasted a very long time, but
it didn't last forever. And if I had given up,
I never would have made it through and I wouldn't
be a nurse today.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
In this episode, Edith has a candid, moving discussion with
her guest about a husband's betrayal, surviving job loss while
being a single mom, answered guests multiple journeys through hell
and back.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
Hi, folks, I'm your host, Edith Richards, and you may
know me from my podcast series Myers Briggs Question Corner
or my website at top career dot com. I've spent
the last twenty years of my career helping people get
smart about their careers. And I've found that lots of
smart people aren't successful. Why is that. I'm convinced it's
(01:02):
due to emotional intelligence in e Q at work, I'm
bringing you inspiring people and messages to help you get
smart about your emotions. My guest today, Virginia, is a
(01:25):
single mother of two adolescent children. Her life turned upside
down eleven years ago, and she spent the last several
years rebuilding This is a story of betrayal, emotional turmoil,
and the collateral damage to not just my guest as
a victim, but to her extended family. We'll hear about
(01:46):
job loss, legal battles, financial difficulties, a career change, midlife,
and everything that goes along with that. Finally, we'll hear
about what it took to bounce back and what the
future holds Virginia. Hello and welcome to EQ at Work.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Hi Edith, and thanks for having me on your show
and allowing me to share my story.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Well, we are thrilled, beyond thrilled that you are here.
So let's just go ahead and dive right in. If
you could share where you are right now?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Okay, Well, like you said, I'm forty nine years old
and i'm a single mom of two children, they're sixteen
and eleven. Right now, I'm a registered nurse and I
work full time in a nursing home taking care of
elderly patients. I'm also a college student right now, taking
a couple of classes at a time to complete my
bachelor's degree in nursing.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Well, you've certainly got a lot going on, and kudos
to you for doing the great work that you are doing.
There's always going to be jobs out there for nurses
and especially people who are specializing in working with the elderly.
So really pleased to hear about that. So I know
there was an incident that occurred a little over eleven
(02:59):
years ago. Can you tell us about that?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Sure? So I went to college right out of high school,
and then I spent about eighteen years building a career,
and I had a great job doing what I loved.
My husband and I both had really good jobs, and
I thought we had the perfect little family. We had
a four year old girl and a six month old
baby boy. We had a nice house. We enjoyed a
very comfortable lifestyle. But my life got turned upside down
(03:24):
one day and my husband got arrested. He had been
living a secret life, like behind my back and committed
some pretty horrible crimes. I knew nothing about it, and
when I found out that he had been arrested and
found out what he had done, I was completely in shock.
I had such a mix of emotions. I was sad,
I was angry, I was in disbelief. I was just
(03:47):
dumbfounded at the idea that he had been doing these
things under my nose for so long, and I hadn't
seen it. I didn't have a clue.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
You just had no idea, no idea that in itself
must have been quite the blow it was.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
And I was terrified because overnight we went from that
perfect little family that I thought we had, and you know,
we were two kids, two parents, double income. We had
been living such a comfortable life, and then all of
a sudden, I was a single parent overnight with a
single income, and I had two little kids at home.
So it was really hard. I had to take the
(04:24):
first week off work after his arrest because I couldn't function.
I went alternately from like fits of rage to fits
of despair. I spent a lot of time crying, and
I was also trying to put on a brave face
and a brave front to act normally for my kid's sake,
because I didn't want to let them see me collapse.
Speaker 3 (04:42):
Yeah, you can't let that happen. And even though you're
just you're carrying up inside, just putting on that breat like,
I can't imagine how hard that must have been.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
It was. It was super hard, and it was It
was a few days before they even knew that their
dad wasn't living with us anymore. Oh so. I mean,
he had worked a different job with different hours than
I did, so they weren't really used to him being
home in the evening. And it was a few days
later when I finally told my daughter that her dad
wasn't coming back home. And all I could tell her
(05:13):
was that he had done some really bad things and
he had to go away to be punished for what
he had done. My son was only like six months old,
so he was too young to understand any of it,
so I didn't really have to explain it to him.
And then after that first week, I went back to
work and I tried to start picking up the pieces
of my life that I was just broken. I made
enough money to support my family on my own, but
(05:35):
we weren't living as comfortably as we had been before.
You know, I had to start watching every dollar I spent,
and we weren't able to enjoy a lot of the
extras anymore, like going on vacations or eating out at
restaurants anytime we wanted to.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Yeah, so you had to be really mindful about expenses.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
I did. Yeah, for about the first month. I was
so angry and I was so hurt over what had happened,
and it was just tearing me up inside. I hated
my husband for what he had done, and the stress
of having to try to deal with it was just
killing me. So after about a month, I finally came
to the conclusion that, you know, if I didn't want
to be living that way the rest of my life,
(06:11):
in order for me to be able to have peace,
I would have to forgive him for what he had done.
And if I didn't forgive him, I just knew there
was no way. I didn't feel like there was any
way I could move on in my life and heal
from the hurt that he had caused me. So I
forgave him and I started to move on with my
new life as a single mom.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Well, I don't even I mean, this might even be
a separate conversation about forgiveness, but you know, how do
you even begin to forgive someone in the midst of
all of that and within a month after all of
this happened. But you know, I want to kind of
get back to the story here, And because your husband
was imprisoned, and so I'm wondering what the effect of
(06:50):
that was on you and on the kids.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Okay. So yeah, after he got arrested, he was out
on bail actually for about six months. And during that time,
like I said, the first month was really hard, but
then I forgave him. I tried to move on, and
I arranged to have some supervised visitation times where he
could see the kids, and I went to the visits
with them so that the kids would feel more comfortable.
(07:16):
But then about six months after his arrest, he got
sentenced to do six years in prison. Hmm, so he
was gone. And then while he was in prison, I
allowed him to still continue to call and talk to
the kids and write letters to them, and I even
allowed the kids to go visit him twice a year.
I would take them. I wouldn't go on the visits myself,
but I had a friend come with me. She was
(07:37):
a good family friend, so she took the kids in
for me so that they could see him.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
What a great friend to have in that case.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Yeah, she was a great support person for me and
still is to this day. I love the woman. My
kids love her. They call her aunt. I never wanted
my kids to be able to accuse me of not
allowing them to have a relationship with her father. So
just because he ruined our Mayorge, you know, he was
still their father, and I tried to make sure that
they could have that relationship with him as much as
(08:05):
possible while he was gone. But it was hard on
the kids too. Yeah, my daughter, he was old enough.
She had had four years of bonding time with him
before he left, and she really missed him. She begged
me to tell her what he had done, but I
really couldn't, you know. All I could tell her was
that I would explain it to her when she was
old enough to understand. My son was about two and
a half years old before he asked me and said
(08:26):
do I have a dad? Mm? Because previous to that,
he wasn't going on the visits because he was too young.
You know, he wouldn't understand. He didn't know who this
man was. But when he asked me if he had
a dad, I tried to explain him that yes, he
had a dad, but he had to go away to
be punished for some bad things that he had done.
And then at that time I started letting him go
on the visits too.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
That must have been devastating to hear that question from
your young child, Your two year old child, Yeah, it.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Was hard, you know. It kind of it punches you
right in the gut when you hear things like that. Yeah.
So I think though, the fact that he went away
affected my daughter the most because she was older and
she did have that time with him previously, right, so
she missed him more. And she also we had a
neighbor who had a girl that was just the same
age as my daughter, and the two of them used
(09:16):
to be friends. They would play together outside or they'd
go to each other's house. But after he got arrested
and the knowledge of what he had done when public,
the neighbors didn't allow their daughter to play with my
daughter anymore.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Hmmm.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
And my daughter didn't understand why her friend wasn't allowed
to play with her anymore. She didn't understand why she
wasn't going to the neighbor's birthday parties anymore, or even
playing out in the backyard. It was all stopped. So
we had been shunned basically by the neighbors, and my
daughter suffered because of it, needlessly, because of the things
that her father had done.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Yeah, these are some of the things that we don't
think about, these effects on you know, the neighbors and
as such on the family.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Yeah, what do you do in that case? Yes, well,
I did my best to try to comfort her, you know,
her pain, though in that it hurt me a lot,
especially because she was innocent. She did nothing wrong, you know,
nor did the rest of our family. It was all
because of him. Yeah, but because what he had done
was public knowledge, the neighbors were afraid that something was
(10:20):
going to happen whatever. So even now, I mean it's
been almost eleven years and the two girls hardly ever
speak to each other, and we still live next door
to each other.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
But oh, my gosh, what a shame.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Yeah, And I sometimes wonder like, how would there have friendship,
you know, transformed, or how would have blossomed if things
had been different. M So. And then my son he
basically had to grow up without a father around for
basically his whole life. He had no memories of his
father because his dad just wasn't there when he was
you know, when he was young. And then for how
it affected me, I guess I'd say that over the
(10:52):
first month, when I was so angry and bitter, I'd
just say after that, I tried to cope the best
I could, you know, it was stressful and it was
hard being a single mom and working full time, but
I managed. I was tired all the time, and I
was just always on the go. But my marriage was destroyed.
But I just, I don't know, I never got divorced
(11:12):
because I didn't see it as being necessary. But you know,
legally I'm still married, but my marriage is over.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
So then fast forward another six years. Your husband was
getting ready to be released from prison. So take us
back to that time.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, So yeah, when my husband was getting ready to
get released, I was trying to be nice to him.
I was trying to help him out, and I wanted him,
you know, to have the best chance at reintroduction to
society that he could. So I was trying to help
him find a place to live. I was trying to
help line up some job, you know, interviews for him.
He had done everything right the whole time that he
(11:51):
was in prison. He did all the programs he was
supposed to, and I really believed that he was remorseful
for what he had done. So I wanted to try
to help him, and I felt that he needed the help.
You know, so much had changed over the six years
that he was gone. So I mean he couldn't even
use a computer at that time, so it made it
really hard for him to try to find a job
or anything. I was just trying my best to make
(12:12):
sure that he was doing everything right, and I really
wanted him to succeed become a productive member of society.
I wanted him to get a fresh start. But unfortunately,
some people found out what I was doing to try
to help him, and they got it into their minds
that I was trying to be devious and trying to
do something to try to help him go out and
commit more crimes after he returned home.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Oh my goodness, and that when that is couldn't be
further from the truth.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Absolutely not. Yeah, but in the end, you know, the
fact that I was innocently trying to help him, it
only caused me more heartache and more devastation.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Oh my goodness. So these people found out what you
were trying to do, They actually were trying to help
your husband take us through that.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Yeah. So because of that false belief that I was
trying to help him do horrible things, I ended up
getting removed from my job. I had been working in
an office that was run by local government, and someone
decided to spread the word that I was somehow doing
something devious. So they sent me home from work one
day and didn't allow me to come back to my job.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Oh gosh, I tell you, when it rains, it pours,
right it did.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah, So you know, once again, I found myself in
that same position. Overnight, my world just turned upside down again,
and again I was in another state of despair, but
this time it was worse. I got physically ill from
the stress of it. We went from one parent household
with an income that barely got through to now I
(13:41):
had no income.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
Oh my goodness. Yeah, and then there's no relief either,
because you don't have your partner and so you've lost
your only stream of income now.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Right, I had two kids. I got physically ill the
stress from all of it I was going through that
I couldn't even eat, and like the first six weeks
said I was out of my job, I lost sixty
pounds because I just was not eating.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Oh my goodness, sixty pounds in six weeks.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Yeah, and I wasn't trying.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Oh my gosh, that's terrible. So then after that happened, like,
how do you even begin to bounce back from that?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Well, I started off. I was going through the legal
channels that I had to to try to get my
job back. You know, I was fighting it and I
had a lawyer. I was fighting that situation for two years,
and it was two long years. For two years. During
that time, you know, I needed a job, so I
got just a full time job working in a restaurant.
I was working in the kitchen five days a week.
(14:39):
I also got a part time job working as a
nurse's aid in a hospital nearby, and I was doing
that two days a week. So I was working every
single day just to try to make ends meet. I
was afraid that I was going to lose my house
because I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
And meanwhile, you're trying to raise two pretty young kids.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Yep, it was. It was very difficult, very stressful, very hard.
So you know, I even had a yard sale, trying
to sell off everything that I could possibly get rid
of because I was thinking that we were going to
lose the house, and if I did lose the house,
it would just make it that much easier to move anyway.
And you know, I was trying to get a little
bit of extra income every time I turned around. I
(15:19):
had to say no to my kids because you know,
no I can't buy you that, No we can't go
on vacation, or no, I can't do that, we can't
go out to eat. It was just so many times
I had to say no. It was horrible and it
broke my heart.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
I can't imagine having to go through that. And like
you're saying with the kids, they're innocent in all of this,
and you're innocent in all of this. This was nothing
that you did, and yet you're finding yourself having to
rebuild your life.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Yeah, And during that time that I spent in the restaurant,
that two years, I learned that I did not want
to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life.
I mean, it was hard work and I was on
my feet all day long. I would sometimes come home
and just cry because my body hurts so much, and
I knew that I couldn't do that forever. But also
during those two years I spent, you know, those two
(16:06):
days a week working in the hospital, I often thought
to myself while I was watching the nurses, I was like,
I could do that. I could do what they're doing.
So after two years, you know, I still hadn't been
able to get back into my job, and I decided
that I was done fighting. Enough was enough. I needed
to move on with my life and I just needed
to find a new career where I could be successful
(16:28):
in supporting my family. Good for you.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
You made the leap into a career in nursing.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
I did. I left the restaurant. My first step was
to get a different job where I was working in
a nursing home. And working in that nursing home, I
was working four days a week, and I was also
going to school college locally nearby, working there and going
to school full time to get my degree in nursing.
So I was working as a certified nurse's aid and
(16:56):
then I was going to school to become a nurse.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
Okay, more busy times for you.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Yes, I mean I was working four days a week,
but it was also more like five because I had
to do a little bit of overtime here and there,
and so I was basically working full time and going
to school and raising two kids at the same time.
But you made it, I did, and like one of
the reasons I left the hospital and went to the
nursing home was because they provided a program where you
(17:22):
could get tuition reimbursement for anybody who wanted to further
their career in the healthcare field. Okay, so that's why
I began my college journey towards my associate's degree in nursing.
Speaker 3 (17:32):
Okay, good for you. So where are you now?
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Well, I, like I said, I went back to school.
I started my life going back in a positive direction.
I knew that I was missing out on a lot
of time with my kids, and my income level was
still in the dirt. I mean, we were literally living
below the poverty level. Things were finally starting to you know,
to change and to go in a positive direction. Yeah,
I had to kind of suck up my pride a
(17:58):
little bit. I applied for food stamps to ease the
burden financially of feeding my kids, and I also got
some financial assistance to help pay for childcare while I
was working or when I was in school, and I
managed to keep my house. I managed my income tax
deductions on my weekly checks so that I paid more
than what I needed and throughout the year, and by
the time the income tax return came at the end
(18:21):
of the year, I had enough to pay my mortgage
for the following year, so I didn't have to hear
anymore that I was going to lose my house. That's great,
and you know I was doing it. And don't get
me wrong, nursing school was very hard, and it was
made harder by the fact that I was working full
time and being a full time single mom. But I
made it.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Well.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Good for you, Yeah, I can't imagine what an uphill battle.
And how are you doing now?
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Well? I graduated with my associate's degree last May, and
then I passed my nursing exam in July, so I
am a registered nurse. Gratulation, thank you. I'm still working
at the same nursing home that I was at. My
income is a lot higher now, actually doubled from what
it was when I was a CNA to what I
am as a nurse now. So now I'm no longer
(19:05):
receiving financial assistance with daycare, which I don't really need
daycare anymore anyway, but I'm not getting food stamps anymore.
You know, I've gotten off of all of that. Good
and right now I'm continuing my education to earn my
bachelor's degree in nursing, and that's why I'm taking two
classes at a time at another local college. Again, still
working full time, and the nursing home is still helping
(19:26):
me with the tuition for that, so I'm able to
breathe a little bit better now. Financially, it's still hard
doing all of this as a single mom, but I'm
doing what I need to do in order to be
able to provide for my family.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah, there's what a blessing these programs are that a
lot of colleges and universities have or different jurisdictions that
we live in to help people who are in this situation.
I mean, what a blessing. I'm sure that's been for you.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Yeah, and I'm sure there's programs out there for people
other places too. They just have to look and see
what's out there.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Yeah, that's a good point. So you've talked a little
bit about this already, Virginia, about how these events have
affected you a little bit. You've talked about it personally
and professionally. What else would you like to mention?
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Well, I went through Helen back and then I went
right through it all over again. And I've known physical
I've known mental and emotional exhaustion. I've had to swallow
my pride and accept help from other people, and that
was one of the hardest things for me to do. Honestly,
I'm not one to ask for help, but I did
learn though, that sometimes it's really needed. And every time
(20:32):
that someone has helped me, they have done it out
of the goodness of their heart, and I know it
made them feel good to be able to do so,
just as much as it made me feel good to
receive the help. And I can hold my head high
knowing that I have worked very hard to get to
the point where I'm at now, and throughout it all,
I never lost sight of my true character. You know,
I've had some people who treated me horribly during the
(20:53):
whole ordeal that I went through, But I have never
treated anybody horribly the way that some of those people
chose to treat me. I never tried to cheat the
system or felt that anybody owed me anything. I always
put forth my best effort at work. Even when I
was working in jobs that I did not like, I
still showed up to work and I did what I
was supposed to do in order to keep moving forward.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Yeah, and in doing that, I mean I think a
lot of us can relate to being in these situations.
I mean, I'm sure some people tuning in right now
can relate to it if they're in these situations that
you're in, and it's just for whatever reason, it's just
a horrible situation, and you know it's not forever. But maybe,
just maybe we are learning some lesson in this situation
(21:37):
that's going to help us move on to that next
rung in the latter, so to speak.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Right, one very important thing that I learned is that
I had a strength and I had a resilience aside
of me that I didn't know existed. For so long,
it just seemed like so many bad things were happening
to me, and I can't tell you how many times
I thought to myself that my life couldn't possibly get
any worse, and then and then it did again. But
throughout it all, you know, I just kept working and
(22:04):
trying to get through it. At times I was working
on little goals like trying to eat a sandwich during
the day instead of only taking two bites of food
for a day, And other times I had a much
bigger goal ahead of me that took months or even
years to accomplish, like going to school. There were days
when my only goal was just to get through the
day without letting my kids see me cry. You know,
(22:25):
not all days were good, but not all days were
horrible either. I just kept trying to focus more on
the good days.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
And that's what got you through. Yeah, that general sense
of optimism and choosing. And it is a choice because
you use that word earlier. Choosing to see the glass
as half full instead of half empty.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Yeah, Now, there are probably a lot of people who
are tuning in right now who are struggling with similar issues.
I mean it may not be incarceration or a career
change or financial burdens, but you know, I think it's
fair to say that we're all struggling with something. Now,
what would you like to say to them?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
My best piece of advice is just don't give up,
you know, keep going. There's a song by Rodney Atkins
called if You're Going Through Hell, and that song was
my own personal anthem for several years when I was
going through hell, I just had to keep reminding myself
to just keep going, you know, don't quit, don't give up.
Your struggles are real and they are hard, but keep going.
(23:29):
Because my own version of Hell on Earth lasted a
very long time, but it didn't last forever, and if
I had given up, I never would have made it through,
and I wouldn't be a nurse today.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Well said, thank you Virginia for sharing your story. Thank
you so much for being here today. I know it
wasn't an easy story and we really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Well, thank you again, Eith for having me. It was
my pleasure to share that with you.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Resilience isn't about winning. It's the strength to propel forward
and adapt to stressful situations. There are many elements of
emotional intelligence that contribute to our ability to be resilient,
including being self aware, socially adept, and empathetic. When we
have the social and emotional skills to handle the unexpected
(24:25):
events life throws at us, will be better able to
advocate for ourselves, to seek support when needed, and solve
problems effectively. We heard these examples from Virginia. She sought
out legal counsel to help her through her job loss
when she didn't get the results she expected. Instead of
(24:45):
giving up, she sought a new path and persevered through
continued setbacks, but ultimately achieved her goal. Virginia admitted that
she doesn't like to ask for help, but she knew
that she needed and that help in the form of
both financial and emotional support was key to getting her
(25:06):
through the tough times. When I hear Virginia's story, it's
the emotional intelligence element of stress tolerance that comes to mind.
The EQ edge defines stress tolerance as the ability to
withstand adverse events and stressful situations without developing physical or
emotional symptoms by actively and positively coping with stress.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
Stress is a.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
Normal part of life for everyone, but as we know,
too much can have serious consequences physically, mentally, and emotionally.
According to the APA's Stress in America study, nearly seventy
percent of Americans experience physical and mental symptoms of stress,
but only thirty seven percent think that they're doing very
(25:55):
well at managing stress. We can't control all the stress
in our lives, but a few things that most of
us can control are getting enough sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition.
Along with mindfulness meditation, these are known to reduce the
symptoms of stress in our lives. A couple other strategies
(26:17):
to boost stress tolerance know what your triggers are. Stress
can have a number of causes, but most of us
have a few triggers. For many people, being disrespected or
believing we're disrespected tops the list. We may also feel
stressed if we're not being listened to, or our needs
(26:38):
aren't taken into account, or we see someone else being
treated unfairly. Understanding our strong emotional reactions is an important
step in building resilience. Don't demand perfection of yourself or others.
Many perfectionists fear that if they let go of their
(26:59):
incredibly standards, it will hurt their performance and their status,
so they cling to their perfectionism even when it's counterproductive.
We're never going to be perfect. Yet the more we
seek perfection, the more failure will haunt us, and the
more pressure we put on ourselves and others. So give
(27:19):
yourself and your team or your family a break. And
for some people, there's this need for instant gratification. When
they don't get what they want at the precise moment
they want it, they throw the adult version of a
temper tantrum, and we may see this in the form
of quickly pacing back and forth, aggressive hand gestures, intense
(27:42):
speaking voices, and overall irritability. This leads to long term dissatisfaction.
You're unhappy and unfulfilled because you forego long term benefits
in favor of short term pleasures and temptations. Way to
start to get a handle on this, immediately distract yourself.
(28:04):
Count to three, or five or ten. One of my
favorite exercises is picturing a stop sign or just saying stop.
This refocuses the mind on something more productive. Anticipating success
and sharing your wins is what shows competence and maturity
(28:25):
and emotional intelligence. By not allowing difficult situations to get
the best of us and keep us down, we can
rise above, believe we can survive and even thrive because
we have endured struggles. Give it a try yourself by
putting EQ to work.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Thanks for listening to EQ at Work. Find us using
the hashtag EQ at work. Visit our website eq at
work dot net. Subscribe to this podcast via iTunes, speaker,
or your favorite podcast platform. We'd love you to leave
a rating or review, and if you have a moment,
a simple share would be wonderful. Remember tell your friends.
(29:10):
Mastering your emotions matters. Tune in next week when Edith
speaks with her guest about NLD, or nonverbal learning disorder.
The invisible disability that you've probably never heard of.
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