May 8, 2025 • 48 mins
Explore the raw truth about infidelity in this bold episode of Fifty Shades of Bullshit with our special guest this week, podcaster and breakup coach Janice Formichella. No excuses, no sugarcoating—just real talk on cheating, why it happens, and how to heal.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
their guests, and not those of the Entertainment Network or
any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry should be directed
(00:22):
to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey everyone, and welcome to fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Now let's begin.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
Hey everyone, this is Christine on fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Thank you for coming back. We are here one more week.
I love coming back each week and knowing that you know,
I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
This is going to be, you know, a great.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
Show again, and I love all of our listeners and
all the responses and texts and emails. It's wonderful. So
thank you for joining us on the show. And today
we have a really great guest again. As you can see,
Jada is not back with us, But we have a
(01:19):
really exciting show for you today. We are talking about
cheating and the emotional impact of it. So cheating sometimes
is often a symptom, not a decision. It can reflect
unmet needs, personal insecurities, lack of communication, and emotional immaturity.
(01:42):
So it's not always just sexual dissatisfaction. The betrayed partner
isn't to blame no matter the relationship dynamic, The choice
to cheat is solely the responsibility of the person who
did it. Infidelity is not just physical. Emotional cheating can
be just as painful and often leaves a deeper wound
due to the emotional intimacy involved. So today I have
(02:05):
brought on a very special guest to talk about this
actual thing. Today we have breakup coach and podcaster Janice
or Michella. So let's invite Janis back because guess what
she just celebrated her birthday.
Speaker 5 (02:23):
Yeah I did, and it was great. It was maybe
one of my best birthdays ever. My friends rented a
huge house out in the mountains for me, and it
was it was great, It was really special. I cried
multiple times and yeah I did. And hopefully this is
okay to say on this show, but show. One of
(02:44):
the things I wanted for my birthday was to have
a birthday spanking. Yes, girl, so everybody, well everybody who
wanted to, which was actually most of my friends. Yeah,
it took turns spanking me and my partner. My partners
supervised and like said, you know who would go next,
and was kind of in charge. And it definitely was
(03:08):
a fantasy fulfilled, like I didn't always know who was
maanking me when. And yeah it was hot, highcommended.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Is wonderful.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
Did you have a paddle?
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Did you have something special?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (03:20):
No, we we bought a paddle on our way up there,
and yeah, people, like I said, took turns and yeah
it was it was fantastic. I'm I'm actually getting a
little flushed right now.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Forget about it.
Speaker 5 (03:33):
Yeah it was, like I said, I'd wanted this experience
for a while, and yeah, it was great.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
I love that for you, and not sure how I don't.
I'm think a nice solid, you know, whack a doodle
on my boudet from the person you know that I'm
you know, having a intimate relationship with. But I don't
know if I would like that. Maybe I'll try it
(04:02):
for my birthday, who knows next year.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Yeah, I'm not sure where the fantasy came from.
Speaker 5 (04:07):
I mean I love being spanked, definitely into paddling, and
it just came to me one day that I would
enjoy this. And yeah, I just keep on having these visions,
like perfectly of people coming up and doing it.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
And you could hear some of my friends like I
want to go, I want to go, and it was
so so I got it.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
Paint the picture here. So were you leaned over the
armchair or were you leaned on leaning on something and
you just couldn't see?
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, how how was this?
Speaker 5 (04:35):
We told everybody, We got consent from everybody, and we said,
you know, in thirty minutes, Genesis, you know, has to
be spanked for our birthday. And so everybody who's in
here at the time, you're consenting to this. Then I
went upstairs and I had like this really poofy short
dress and then everybody was kind of sitting against the
sides of the room and on the wall, and yeah,
(04:58):
I leaned, I leaned over an arm chair and pulled
up my dress and yeah, I couldn't really see anything
that was going on. I could hear some people, but yeah,
I could, I couldn't tell really what was well, I
could feel what was happening, but yeah, yeah, girls see
anything that my partner who was right there kind of directing.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
Was it like a spank each or did they all
do like.
Speaker 5 (05:24):
Some some people were goating for it? So yeah, no,
it wasn't a spanky kind of like as much as
you wanted.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
So I love that.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
You're hilarious and I love it for you so much. Well,
thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
I love that. Yeah, chairs, I know chairs.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
So Chance has two podcasts. Her first one is tell
Us about the Breakup One.
Speaker 5 (05:48):
All right, I have a podcast network, I like to say,
and one of them, the first one is called Breakups,
Broken Hearts and Moving On, yep, which is about all
three of those things. And my second one is called
Sex and the Solo Girl. And with that one we
get into relationships, dating, healthy sexuality, SAMMARUNCHI stuff secure attachment
(06:15):
though as well open communication and a little bit of
the solo lifestyle, which I'm a part of that community.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Great, I love that. So I just went on Janie's
podcast she just dropped h the episode today on Breakups,
Broken Hearts.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
And Moving On. Yeah, it was and I just listened.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
So I was just on that with her a couple
of weeks ago. It's also going to drop on sex
and the solo girl. It is also called cheating. So
we have done this episode kind of Uh, it's gonna
be about the same but a little different, I think,
So we will you know, get into that. So Janie
(06:59):
has some statistics that she brought to the show the
last time that I did this with her, and I
would love for you to share those statistics. And she
asked me at the top of her last show when
we were doing the cheating, what state I thought in
the United States would be the number one state for cheaters?
And my answer was probably a red state where where.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
The just say it, just say it.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
Yeah, where you know, the men think they're superior than
they're woman's not always, but folks, trust me, we all
know that conservatives are a little different than you know,
like a someone who's not as conservative.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
But maybe also a little more sexually repressed.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Yes, yes, so I guess Texas And it turns out.
Speaker 5 (07:52):
Yep, Texas, Alabama, and Nebraska, and yes, Christine guess yeah
almost by on yep, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
I figured big country, big cities, cowboy era cowboy culture.
Speaker 5 (08:10):
But then so we also have by the City. Yes, so,
and this actually comes from Ashley Madison. These are all
like pretty good sources. So, Christine, do you remember the
two or three cities that had the highest levels of infidelity? Oh?
Speaker 3 (08:28):
No, I do not remember. I do not remember that Columbus, Ohio.
I would have thought Salt Lakes City.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
They're bored, there's nothing to do in Columbus, Ohio, sorry, folks.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
But then Miami and Orlando in Florida, I.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Can see that because it's very a party town, very
party town, and a lot of people can go there
for like spring break, and a lot of people go
down there for that bachelorette parties. So I can see
how that could be a big city.
Speaker 5 (09:04):
For I wonder how many much of the INFIDELI does
have to do with spring break. Yes, this is another
one that we both really loved. The DATTA reveals that
thirty one percent of affairs have been with co workers.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
Yeah, yeah, which this has to do with Christine's.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
Story, which we'll talk about.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
Yeah. Yeah. My story is that, you know, my ex
husband cheated with someone at work, and another co worker
at work is a very was a very good friend
of his and mine, and we were doing a separate
project together and he kind of let me know that
something was nefariously going on, and then I put two
(09:48):
and two together and that's yeah, So I get it.
You know, work can be a false sense of closeness
because you're a lot of time during the day with
a person and you know, maybe you think that they
relate better to you than your person.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Or also just close quarters.
Speaker 5 (10:09):
Yeah, I think can lend to it. The position that
somebody has in the company also has a lot to
do with it. Nine percent of non management and low
management employees report in fidelity, a figure that more than
doubles to twenty four percent among middle management and then
(10:34):
rises to thirty percent for upper management.
Speaker 4 (10:38):
Yeah, and I was saying with your podcast that it's
for me. I think it's a sense of power. You know,
people maybe hold it over another person to get a
raise or another position in the job, or you know,
they're just more.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
Also to be a sexier to have an affair with
the CEH than someone entry level.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
I'm just saying.
Speaker 5 (11:04):
At the same time, men a blue collar men, carboner's, electricians,
and plumbers are also more prone falls.
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Yeah, because there are in other people's homes with wives
and or neglected to you know, need affection and attention.
And these hot guys come in and they're in their
house and they know their husbands are away, you know.
Speaker 5 (11:31):
And they're probably like they might outwardly appear more masculine
and again, oh yeah it could you know, be women
might find them more attractive.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
Plus all the pornos let me out with those things,
those type of topics.
Speaker 5 (11:46):
Wow, okay, this was one that we laughed at. And
also that was highly untrusting men. So the amount of
cheating between men and women is a lot closer than
people think.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
People are always saying, why do men cheat? Why do
men cheat? It's so much.
Speaker 5 (12:05):
It's not quite half and half, but a lot closer
than people say. However, men tend to cheat more as
they grow older, with the trend peaking before they reach
eighty naturally naturally and then but this is a new dressing.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
However, women's peak years for infidelity are generally between the
ages of fifty and sixty nine. I can tell you why.
I okay, go ahead.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Women are raising their children, they've been a spouse, they
focus their lives on their kids. Their husbands may not
be connected to them as much anymore. They feel lonely.
Maybe they're by fifty. Most of us are empty nesters
and we're bored.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Not me, I'm not. I'm never going there.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
I'm not a cheater.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
I'm not. I've never been tempted. But you're very sexually active.
I am.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
When I'm not with a partner, I have I date
multiple Who cares, You're I'm out looking for my person right,
But now you know if I'm in a relationship, I'm
highly sexual with my partner.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
And you know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (13:25):
Are you more so at this age than you were
at thirty or forty hundreds million?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Actually?
Speaker 4 (13:35):
Well, okay, so this is the thing. A lot of
women when they get older, they understand who they are.
They've come into their their sexuality. They are feeling their
vibes great now. Some women are going through perimenopause than menopause,
and they're with their spouse, they're with their partners, and
it's they don't want to be touched. They're in pain,
(13:57):
you know, their vagina walls are breaking down and it
it's painful, it's dry, it's thin, it tears, it's painful.
And unless they're getting treated properly with the right.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Hormones or the right hormone treatment.
Speaker 4 (14:13):
Uh, they're gonna have thinning of vagina, wall lining, They're
gonna have a lot of pain. They're not gonna have
any testosterone to give them that hype. Now I'm past
menopause and my sex drive is bow what you know,
it's it's big and bold and beautiful.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
But also, go you I'm I'm not.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
You know, I'm physically healthy. My vagina is perfect, you know,
it's not thinned or dried.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
And I I have my hormones that.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
Are right and so plus I think I have a
little bit more posterone testosterone than the other ones. So
my drive is very strong.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
So I'm good.
Speaker 4 (14:57):
But it's the older I get, the stronger it feels.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Oh that's awesome.
Speaker 5 (15:01):
I don't know where I'm going to be by the
time I turn fifty because I'm much younger. And my
sex drive too, I'm like, oh, need it constantly. I'm
lucky to have a viial partner.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
But that's great. Maybe that's maybe I'll get into sex
work when I'm older so that I can be sady.
Go there you go. You never know.
Speaker 4 (15:22):
Yeah, so that's you know, that's my opinion on that.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
Do you have any.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
More statistics because I have a couple of things.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Well, I just wanted to kind of make this clearer.
Speaker 5 (15:34):
I think we talked about on breakup's broken hearts and
moving on about like can you recover from this? And
there's two things I want to say. Sixty seven percent
of men and fifty three percent of women who cheated
on their spouse did.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
So more than once.
Speaker 5 (15:56):
And if you are thinking of cheating and hoping maybe
that your partner is going to leave their spouse or
that you have any semblance of a good foundation for
a relationship, one out of ten affairs evolve.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Into a committed relationship. So attempt not to kid yourself
right now.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
I will say that my ex husband and his person
that he cheated with from his work, actually his old work,
is that one percent after we got a divorce, well
after we separated, he tried to be on his own
for a little bit and was not able to be.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Wasn't it like two months or something. It was a
couple of months.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
Yeah, And then he wound up, you know, being with her,
and that's fine, More power to them. And they wound
up together and married and have a child and I
you know, that's great for them, it was a blessing
and for me because you know, he was definitely not
my person or the right person to be with. I
(17:06):
was in a very unhealed place and that trauma fell
into my relationships and you know, I probably wasn't the
best wife, but he wasn't the best husband for me,
you know. So that didn't work out. It did for them,
and I'm happy for them.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
But this would be the exception to the rule, not
the rule.
Speaker 5 (17:31):
I'm always encouraging people and a lot of my clients
in my breakup coaching business have this in their breakup,
either they cheated or their partner that I have to say,
and it just a really rarely last.
Speaker 4 (17:44):
It really rarely least And why would you.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
Just it doesn't even make sense that it would work out,
But I'll just leave it.
Speaker 4 (17:51):
Yeah, I think I'm going to go with what you
were just about to say is why would you put
yourself in a position to be with a person who's
doing with you what you wouldn't want them to do
to you.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
Yep.
Speaker 5 (18:05):
So, and yeah, there's so many things also if you
are going straight from like a marriage to this relationship
with this person. I mean, where is your healing, where
is your opportunity for growth? You need to be single
in between relationships. There's so much about it that just
will not lend to a committed, healthy, long term relation exactly.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Now, I have a couple of things here. I have
how to overcome being cheated on. And if you're attracted
to someone else.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
Who's married, or oh, if you're married, or if you're
in a relationship. I don't want to keep on saying married, married, married,
because a lot of people are committed and not married,
and marriage is kind of going out of style, which
I approve of.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
So I'm an old school I have not been remarried
for the last fifteen years because you know, I I
did not want to get back in the same kind
of relationship that I had been in with my husband,
so I decided to take a break. And then I
just found one dicad after another that it wasn't working.
(19:08):
And then, as you know, everybody who listens to the
show knows that, I then went on my healing journey.
And since I've been on my healing journey, I have
I hadn't found somebody, you know, that that fit within
where I wanted to be with that yet, so you know,
I'm still a work in progress, so I'm good. But
when it's time when I meet my person, I definitely
(19:30):
want to marry him. I definitely do. I love that
commitment that I don't know. I just I was raised
in that kind of culture and I love it. I
also have seen some really fantastic marriages since I left
home and had great examples from other people, and I
(19:51):
want that.
Speaker 5 (19:52):
So all right, Well I'm Polly and my partner's married,
so I'm not sure it's in the cards now, but right.
Speaker 4 (19:59):
Well it's not for all right everybody, And I love
that too. So I have how to overcome being cheated on.
I have five points. And of course, anytime you hear
something you want to pop in, please do allow yourself
to feel everything, because feeling rage and grief and confusion
it's super normal, and suppressing those emotions delays healing.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
Yeah, and we talked about anger on my show and
how if you have a bad breakup that's a very
very help They part of the graving process is allowing
yourself to get pissed off about it.
Speaker 4 (20:33):
And you know, I mentioned on your show that when
I was trying to get over my divorce. I was
super fucking angry, and I chose to go to anger
management on my own personal level to find actionable things
to teach me how to overcome my anger, how to
work through it, and how to you know, make it
(20:56):
not so controlling in my life.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
Yeah, And I applied for being willing to share that
I mean and for yeah, self selecting to go through
anger management.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
Well, I felt that traditional therapy wasn't working for me
because my husband was in therapy and we had talked
about this too, that my husband was in therapy, and
he invited me to come to his therapy appointments to
do group counseling or counseling, and it was a disaster.
Both him and his therapist really just came at me,
(21:31):
and I was like, what the fuck. He's the one
being the asshole and you know, and cheating and shit,
and yet she's like jumping down my fucking throat. We
tried a different therapist and by then I was just done.
So it did not work.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
And we're going to do an episode on bad couples
therapy and experiences, So please get in touch if you're interested.
Speaker 4 (21:52):
Exactly number two. The second one I have is avoid
what did I do wrong? Spiral because you want to
focus on their actions, not your perceived inadequacies, because their
betrayal definitely doesn't define someone's worth.
Speaker 5 (22:10):
And mindfulness is really important when you're going through a
bad breakup and not preventing yourself from having the spiraling
cycling thoughts. That's also a part of breakup brain but
and something maybe to be worked through. But it's also
crazy making, So get some supporter on that as well.
Speaker 4 (22:28):
Yes, yes, because you can really let that shit eat
you up, so don't. We don't want that for you.
Set firm boundaries, and setting firm boundaries in the beginning
of a relationship is so much more important. But when
you get yourself in a situation that you find that
you've been cheated on, set firm boundaries, whether it's no contact,
(22:49):
time apart ending the relationship, but you want to define
what you need to feel safe and to start healing.
Speaker 5 (22:56):
I'm all about the no contact and I think I
cheat on somebody else they might feel inclined to try
and look after them emotionally, which I have seen f
that creates space. This person is not the one you
want looking out for you right now, exactly.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Now.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
This is the thing when.
Speaker 4 (23:17):
When you get a divorce and you have children, okay,
or you break up with somebody and you have children together,
it's hard to go no contact. So I'm hearing a
lot of things in my head. I can I can
feel people listening to this, going, oh can I go
no contact? I have children, but this is the thing.
Stay in contact with them when it comes.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
To your kids.
Speaker 4 (23:40):
I have actually just recently suggested to a friend of mine,
I'm writing a book called I don't remember what it's
called right now because my brain is fried, but it's
something to do with, you know, surviving a narcissistic divorce.
And one of the things I suggested to her was
get a burner phone okay for all texts and message
(24:00):
for the X.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (24:01):
And also you can I have a list of things
as well because of my breakup coaching clients.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
And also you can keep things mostly to email.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Yes, And you want to keep everything in writing, Try
not to talk unless you absolutely have to, and do
not talk about your relationship or anything that has to
do with you or him or her privately. You want
to stick to the kids only, and you want to
have as much documentation as possible when you are communicating
with somebody with children, because that is that's going to
(24:32):
go real so or real fast. Unless you've got somebody
who you know is just understanding and connects to you
in a good way, that's great, but it's it's tough.
Speaker 5 (24:43):
If it's a narcissist or somebody who's cheated is probably
not going to have the emotional intelligence that you need
to like really effectively and help the le co parent.
Speaker 3 (24:54):
Absolutely absolutely okay.
Speaker 4 (24:56):
Next one is seek support, therapy, support, anger management. Even
close friends can offer clarity and keep you from internalizing
blame because internalizing blame is just going to eat you
the fuck up. And it's not the person who's being
cheated on's fault. It really has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (25:18):
And you know what, if your partner.
Speaker 4 (25:20):
Wants to blame you by saying, well, you weren't intimate
with me anymore, or you weren't this, or you weren't that, well,
where was the relationship in that communication to come back
together to say, hey, something's not working, what do we do?
Instead your fucking ass went off and you know, chose
to connect with somebody else.
Speaker 5 (25:41):
It's just really Yeah, there's so much to be said,
uh about that. I mean, there's so many ways to
come back together as a couple. There's also the option
of saying this isn't working anymore.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
We're empty nesters. We have the opportunity to each have
our own lives. Yeah, lots of other ways.
Speaker 5 (26:00):
Plus we also talked about, you know, whether or not
you should even bring it up, but maybe maybe that's notus.
Speaker 3 (26:06):
I definitely think communicating is better.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
One person thinking they're getting over on another person is
not great, and it's going to be resentfulness happening soon.
I don't blame somebody who wants to stay in the
relationship after the cheating happens. If you and your partner
can overcome that, then my god, I'll put more power
to you. It's your life, your choice, is your your decisions.
Speaker 5 (26:33):
But you know who's going to feel better though from
putting it out in the open, the person who is
cheated on or the person who's trying to unburden themselves.
I think this is more complicated.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
It's very complicated. In my story telling, Janie, I told
about how I confronted my husband.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
Oh yes, please tell these stories.
Speaker 4 (26:56):
So I knew that he was cheating, and I promised
the friend who told me that I wasn't going to
tell who told as you know, I don't want to
shoot the messenger. And it's not his problem, it's ours.
So when my husband got home, I just said, hey,
(27:17):
I hired a private investigator, which I hadn't, but I
said I did. I said I hire. He's going to
know now because he stalks me on this show.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
God, Hey, buddy, Hey, here we go, Lucky.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
I'm not saying your name. He came to me, he
was in the kitchen. I was in the kitchen, and
I said, hey, I just wanted to let you know
I hired a private investigator, and I have photos and
documentation of you spending time with your coworker after work,
and I've pictures of you guys kissing. And he flipped
(27:54):
out and he started saying, oh my god, you know,
I'm so sorry, and you know, just apologizing for it.
But it was in a matter of like maybe a
day or so that he came back just saying, no, no,
I did not cheat. I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 5 (28:12):
It was, yeah, it wasn't me, Christine. So but one
of the reasons that you said it on my show
that it was really the end was it was not
the first time that he had done something super sketchy
(28:33):
as fuck. And you had another story of catching him
in the act from like yours earlier that was also
pretty badass.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
He was sketchy in the beginning of our relationship when
we were in it for about a year and a
half maybe okay, and he moved into my place. He
left his apartment moved into my place, and he was
using my desktop computer and he had sent an email
to somebody and he had left the fucking email open.
(29:02):
And while I was on my computer looking at uh
oh my god monologues for the acting class that I
was in, I saw the notification that the email did
not go, and I thought it was in my email,
so I clicked on it and I opened it, and
I was like, why did this not go? And who
is this too? And what is this about? And then
(29:24):
I saw the email and it was from my ex husband,
who was my boyfriend at the time, who moved in
with me, to another girl that he had casually met,
opening a door for her. She smiled at him, and
he proceeded to get her email from her and then
tell her that she was the most beautiful thing, the
most beautiful eyes, thede a smile, all the same shit
(29:48):
he said to me when he.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Was wooing me.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
And when he got home, what I said was, Hey,
I found a monologue and this is normal for us,
I said, I found a monologue.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
I want to know what your thoughts are. I'm going
to read it to you.
Speaker 4 (30:02):
You tell me if he get worse are And I said,
so it's called And by the way, the monologue that
I was going to be doing was called Betrayal, and
it was from a play, had nothing to do with
what I was about to read. And what I did
is opened the email and started reading the email to
him titled Betrayed. And you should have seen his face
(30:24):
when I read that to him. He was like, oh, sorry,
I'm sorry.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
I have read the email to him.
Speaker 3 (30:31):
That is that is so cool.
Speaker 4 (30:35):
I loved it. But you know, in the past, he
had not cheated on me as far as I know.
I just know that later when we you know, when
I did find out about the infidelity, he did say
to me. You know at one point that he when
he was younger in his you know, late teens and twenties,
he had dated one girl, and I'll use that name
(30:59):
because it's funny. Her name was Amy. He met another
girl named Amy that he cheated on the first girl with.
He broke up with the first girl, Amy, went to
the second girl. Amy, then cheated on the second girl,
Amy with the first girl Amy, second girl, Amy to
go back to the first girl.
Speaker 3 (31:18):
Amy. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:19):
And I didn't know this until we were married and
in a relationship and blah blah blah. And he swore,
you know, he would never cheat on me. He's not
a cheater, But unfortunately, a lot of cheaters will continue
to cheat.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
Well, sixty seven percent of men will cheat on their
spouse born.
Speaker 4 (31:40):
Well, I hope I find the thirty three.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
It's sixty percent of men who cheat will do it.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
I'm hoping to find forty percent men who don't cheat.
Speaker 3 (31:55):
Let's hope.
Speaker 4 (31:56):
My last one for overcoming being cheated on is choose
your next chapter. Reconciliation is possible, but only with honesty, transparency,
and accountability. Otherwise walk away. Walking away is self protection
and not failure.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Now I went a little.
Speaker 4 (32:15):
Bit deeper, and I wanted to say, you know, a
lot of what we talked about before janis with cheating
is that you know. I mentioned that if you are
in the spot to consider cheating, that you know, to
talk to your spouse or your partner and say, look,
things aren't working for me.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
I want to move on.
Speaker 4 (32:36):
Okay, Personally, I think the breakup is better for your
actions than anything. But I did some research and I
came up with some things that I thought, maybe instead
of talking about that, if we if we find ourself
attracted to somebody else when you're in a relationship, here
(32:58):
are some simple steps to help you in that time.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
Okay, you are with someone, you're attracted to someone outside
the relation, yes, okay, Just to be claric cool.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
Number one is don't panic attractions. Yeah, don't panic. If
you're just an normal person and you find yourself attracted
to somebody, like say at work or friend, or like
the stupid girl that you open the fucking door for,
don't panic. Attraction is human. It doesn't mean that you
(33:31):
are like at a cheater. Okay, long term relationships don't
kill attractions to other people. This is how we respond
that matters. It's how we take.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
Our next step.
Speaker 4 (33:44):
Do we respond to a person that's smiling at us
and flirting at us. Do we take that another step? No,
you know, being understanding that attraction is human. You don't
have to necessarily act upon it or.
Speaker 5 (34:00):
Have some sort of crisis about your relationship. Something that
I didn't go to in the show but I wanted
to is pop culture depictions of infidelity.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
And that is one.
Speaker 5 (34:12):
Thing that they do show a lot, is someone in
a long term relationship becomes attracted to someone else.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
And they're like, what does this mean?
Speaker 5 (34:21):
You know, I don't know how to handle this, Maybe
my relationship is in trouble. And yeah, sometimes they act
upon it or just sit there dwelling on it and
rather than just oh.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
That was interesting. You know he's hot and.
Speaker 5 (34:35):
You know we had a good conversation. And that's one
thing that they show. And so I think some of
the depictions do lead people to think of it in
a certain in a certain way.
Speaker 4 (34:46):
Yeah, So if you find yourself in a position where
you are attracted to somebody or you're thinking about somebody
a lot, or yeah, you're in that kind of situation,
pause and reflect. This is really important and reflect. What
you want to do is ask yourself what am I seeking?
Speaker 3 (35:04):
Is it attention?
Speaker 4 (35:06):
Is it excitement? Is it escape, And often the attraction
is more about you than the other person you're interested,
or the person that you're cheating on or contemplating cheating on.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
Or maybe you just think they're high. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
Right, But what I'm saying is is that if you
find yourself attracted to a coworker or find yourself attracted
to a person, that you are like thinking, oh my god,
could I cheat with this person?
Speaker 3 (35:36):
Like taking the next step?
Speaker 4 (35:38):
Okay, yes, it's like stop and reflect that we're past
the just being attracted to somebody. We're talking about contemplating something. Yes,
it's it's figuring out what are you looking for? Are
you wanting attention? Excitement?
Speaker 3 (35:52):
Escape?
Speaker 4 (35:53):
And you need to turn and talk to your fucking partner.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
I'm not sure I would say I'm attracted to someone else.
Speaker 4 (36:00):
No, maybe I would talk to them about what the
fuck is.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Going on in your head.
Speaker 4 (36:04):
Don't say I'm attracted to other people.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
Say I'm finding myself feeling a lack.
Speaker 4 (36:09):
Of excitement or or I'm I'm lonely. I feel like
I'm laying beside you in bed and we don't cuddle,
we don't love, we don't kiss, we don't do this
fucking talk.
Speaker 5 (36:21):
They Actually, I do a lot of research on the
topic of loneliness and overcoming it, and the rates of
people reporting being lonely are just as high inside of marriages,
that's outside.
Speaker 4 (36:33):
Outside exactly because you're not goddamn communicating with your partner.
It's one hundred percent communication. If you're not communicating, things
are going to break down.
Speaker 5 (36:42):
And they might still but you, I mean you could try.
I mean, look, some relationships run their course. I believe
that strongly.
Speaker 4 (36:49):
Yes I do too, Yes, I do too. Here's the
next one. Double down on your relationship instead of benicizing, like,
reinvent that energy into your current partner. Plan a fucking date,
share a secret, try something new. But got to double
down on your relationship before you give up on it.
Speaker 5 (37:10):
This is where I think the love languages came into
play in the very beginning, because it was an attempt
Gary Hendrix to help married people repair things, and so
that would be a place to start to learn about
that and then to execute it.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Yeah, that's great. And the last one I have for
that is.
Speaker 4 (37:29):
Be honest with yourself.
Speaker 3 (37:30):
If you're regularly drawn to others.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
You may be emotionally disconnected or out of alignment with
your partner, and that's worth exploring before betrayal begins. That's
my that's my take on that. I also have how
to avoid cheating.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
I have communicate with your needs.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
Before acting on impulses because resentments and dissatisfaction confesster so
speaking up early and often about it. If it does change,
then you got a problem within the relationship. In that
relationship before you move on, be real about your relationship's weakness,
weaknesses or or weak spots. Ignoring problems can increase vulnerability
(38:14):
to temptation. Limit situations that tempt you, like that harmless
DM or the late night drink or the hotel hangout
with someone you're attracted to. Right Ye, setting clear personal
boundaries is really really important.
Speaker 3 (38:30):
Yes, respect your partner even when they're not around.
Speaker 4 (38:34):
If you wouldn't say it with them in the mother
f and room, don't do it.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
Don't do it period.
Speaker 4 (38:42):
Fucking some chick is hitting on you in the coffee
line and you look smoking that day and they're like
hitting on you. Smiles, say thank you and say move on.
If they ask for your number or try to start
a conversation, just say, you know, thank you for the conversation,
I am marry thank you for the conversation, but or
I'm in a committed relationship, but thank you goodbye. Remember
(39:07):
that there's a cost before cheating. Think of what you'd lose, trust, intimacy, connection,
maybe someone who truly loves you. Maybe half of your
goddamn so you're or one k in the half of
your income for the rest of your life. Seeing your
kids on fucking visitation days. Yeah, really think about that
(39:29):
shit before you do it.
Speaker 5 (39:31):
Also some self respect, perhaps some self lowing back, you know, if.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
You have children.
Speaker 5 (39:39):
Yeah, this, I mean, this is gonna make a mark
on possibly the rest of your life.
Speaker 4 (39:44):
It's going to make a mark on the rest of
your life. And it actually, uh, you might get some
kind of satisfaction out of it. Maybe you don't, who knows.
But the people who are going to suffer the most
or the people I love you, that's your partner, your children,
your families.
Speaker 3 (40:05):
This is not just going to affect you.
Speaker 4 (40:07):
It affects your fucking parents because of communication with your spouse.
It affects your spouse's parents. There are family gatherings, they're
you know, friends, mutual friends. I lost every single one
of my friends when I got a divorce because all
of my girlfriends that were my girlfriends before I got married,
(40:28):
I introduced them to my husband's friends and they became partners.
I lost them to that relationship.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
I lost my.
Speaker 4 (40:35):
Female friends that were partnered with his friends.
Speaker 5 (40:39):
And I'm sorry to interrupt, but this whole thing about
thirty one percent of people are doing it at work.
You could cost yourself professionally as well. Iow I mentioned
a friend of mine who I had become involved with
someone at work and she ultimately had to switch jobs
because he was her superior and they decided to stay
(41:01):
together and that wasn't allowed. I mean, she's happier now
and she got away from him. You know, it didn't
work out. But that's a very real, real risk as well.
Maybe not if you're a carpenter, plumber, other but if
you're in upper management well.
Speaker 4 (41:18):
As you clients, it costs you. You know, a husband
coming at you or a wife coming at you.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
It's no going back.
Speaker 4 (41:28):
Really, no, that's a line that's uh not the best
choice for somebody. You know, there's so many consequences. I'm
not saying I know that there. I actually know people
who are in dead end relationships who are staying for
the kids. They live in separate bedrooms, separate rooms of
(41:51):
separate lives, but are still together for the kids. I've
seen it.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
I've seen it a lot.
Speaker 4 (41:56):
And uh, there are a lot of men out there
and a lot of women out there, you know, seeking
comfort in the arms of somebody else because of that.
And I don't blame you for that. I don't blame
people for being human. What I do say is that
just be aware that hurting other people is a big,
big deal. And maybe that isn't who you are. And
(42:18):
if it is who you are, why are you in
a relationship in the first focus.
Speaker 5 (42:21):
So we talked in the show, yeah about cases that
are understandable, Yes, because a divorce is so messy and
painful and long and oh yeah and you might still
have si matterie with your spouse and just feel stuck
and yeah, it doesn't make it right.
Speaker 3 (42:40):
But yeah, we talked about the big gray area.
Speaker 4 (42:43):
Personally, I say, you know, maybe talk to your spouse
about opening the relationship up. You know, that's not a
bad choice. Maybe sit them down and say, look, I'm suffering.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if
we can save this. I don't want to leave you.
I love you, I love our children, I love our life.
I want to stay again. But is there maybe some
way we can either get help and if we can't
(43:05):
and you don't want to divorce either, maybe we can
open the relationship.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
You never know.
Speaker 5 (43:09):
Yeah, there's sex counselors, there's sexy retreats you can go
on there. There are a lot of options. Yeah, lots
of coaches who do this, this type of thing.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
I mean, give it a go.
Speaker 5 (43:21):
If you still have a friendship and you know a
certain level of it to micy, Yeah, see what you
can do. And it's going to take a lot of
intention and being really progressive about it, but takes lot.
You might end up even closer than you were before.
Speaker 4 (43:37):
You may rEFInd your partner, You may rEFInd your spark.
I mean, you married this person for a reason. If
there's something that is driving you away from your partner,
then maybe look at you, Look at you. What's going
on in your head? What's going on in your life?
What are you, you know, not bringing to the table.
Maybe ask your spouse or your partner what are you lacking?
(44:00):
What are you missing?
Speaker 3 (44:02):
What haven't I done for you?
Speaker 4 (44:03):
Lately, Yeah, find out maybe if they're feeling the same way.
Speaker 5 (44:07):
Yeah, And that is hard to get to the point
where you decide to end it or decide.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
To leave it.
Speaker 5 (44:13):
I mean I left my marriage and by the time
I got to that point, I was so worn down
and so distraught and depressed. So it's a big it's
a really big step. But geting to the point and
then creating an action plan.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
That's an option as well.
Speaker 5 (44:31):
If it's not working anymore, it's not working.
Speaker 3 (44:33):
I agree.
Speaker 4 (44:34):
I pull a lot of cards at the end of
the shows these days, like a collective, a collective reading. Okay,
And I brought my angel cards today and I pulled one,
and I find it interesting that it's this card. It's
happiness is in your hands card, and you can choose
(44:55):
to be happy. Now, you know, people don't realize. They
think that other people are the ones causing and affecting,
and really it's you. It's inside you. You choose happiness.
Happiness will follow if you. If you choose to stay
miserable and in a situation that's not good for you,
(45:15):
well guess where what's gonna happen.
Speaker 5 (45:18):
If the power also into your own hands, be intentional
things don't just happen now.
Speaker 4 (45:24):
When my husband and I, when he knew when I
found out about everything, he moved into our back house.
He stayed there about three or four months. I could
tell he was not in it to win it because
he ignored me. I wasn't He wasn't part of the
family really anymore. He didn't pay bills anymore, and I
(45:48):
knew it was going downhill.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Now.
Speaker 4 (45:50):
He had set a date to move out so that
we could work on it, but I knew the minute
he moved out that it was never going to work.
So I made that choice to move forward with the divorce.
So you know, it's okay to make those choices, to
choose yourself, to choose your piece, to choose your happiness.
(46:10):
And if anybody is going through the situation you want
any help, please reach out to us.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
We're happy to help you.
Speaker 4 (46:16):
Janice can help you as a coach. I can help
you with advice from somebody who's been there. Hopefully I'll
have my book ready soon. I see, We'll see, and
you know we're here for you. We're a support system.
I have lots of counselors and therapists that is in
our back pockets that we can guide you with. But
(46:38):
just remember, if you're out there going to you know,
you think that just fucking around is going to be okay,
the casualties of that war is going to be bad.
Speaker 5 (46:48):
Agree, And like I have helped coach a lot of
people through this, so yeah, feel free to reach out.
I agree.
Speaker 4 (46:54):
So what's up next for you?
Speaker 3 (46:55):
Janis what's up next for me?
Speaker 5 (46:58):
Like tonight, No, I'm tonight tomorrow life life, Well, I'm
very focused on sex and the solo girl and say
about that. I have a brand new website, jennisfromichella dot
com that I just announced.
Speaker 3 (47:10):
Uh last week.
Speaker 5 (47:12):
I'm in a good relationship that is taking a lot
of work, but I'm definitely yes, willing to do Yes
it does. And I'm going off to watch the Nuggets
game because we're in the semi finals. Yeah for you guys, Yeah, yeah,
I'm super excited about that. Go Nuggets.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
I don't care as much about basketball, but I really
deeply care about hockey.
Speaker 3 (47:40):
Hockey. You're a hockey girling up, and uh, you know,
we l the la things.
Speaker 4 (47:48):
They they choked this year unfortunately, but you know, I
love hockey, so I wish it was still going on.
I'd love to go see a game again.
Speaker 3 (47:57):
Thank you for having me. This was This was a
lot of fun.
Speaker 5 (47:59):
And yeah, everyone go Jannisromitella dot Com and chry Us
Sex and the Solo Girl. We have some really fun episodes,
Yeah they do.
Speaker 4 (48:06):
It's really fun if you're going through a breakup or
struggling listen to broken.
Speaker 5 (48:11):
Hearts, breakups, broken hearts and moving on and also yeah,
I would love to This is totally something that you
can overcome.
Speaker 3 (48:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (48:19):
Absolutely, Thank you everyone who comes and listens to us
every week.
Speaker 3 (48:24):
We love having you here.
Speaker 4 (48:26):
And just remember, same time, same place next week, and
until then, let's keep the shit real.
Speaker 3 (48:31):
Bye.
Speaker 4 (48:33):
If you enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends,
like and follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades of
Underscore Bullshit and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Speaker 2 (48:47):
Thanks so much for listening, and we really hope to
see you again next week
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
their guests, and not those of the Entertainment Network or
any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry should be directed
(00:22):
to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey everyone, and welcome to fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Now let's begin.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
Hey everyone, this is Christine on fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Thank you for coming back. We are here one more week.
I love coming back each week and knowing that you know,
I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
This is going to be, you know, a great.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
Show again, and I love all of our listeners and
all the responses and texts and emails. It's wonderful. So
thank you for joining us on the show. And today
we have a really great guest again. As you can see,
Jada is not back with us, But we have a
(01:19):
really exciting show for you today. We are talking about
cheating and the emotional impact of it. So cheating sometimes
is often a symptom, not a decision. It can reflect
unmet needs, personal insecurities, lack of communication, and emotional immaturity.
(01:42):
So it's not always just sexual dissatisfaction. The betrayed partner
isn't to blame no matter the relationship dynamic, The choice
to cheat is solely the responsibility of the person who
did it. Infidelity is not just physical. Emotional cheating can
be just as painful and often leaves a deeper wound
due to the emotional intimacy involved. So today I have
(02:05):
brought on a very special guest to talk about this
actual thing. Today we have breakup coach and podcaster Janice
or Michella. So let's invite Janis back because guess what
she just celebrated her birthday.
Speaker 5 (02:23):
Yeah I did, and it was great. It was maybe
one of my best birthdays ever. My friends rented a
huge house out in the mountains for me, and it
was it was great, It was really special. I cried
multiple times and yeah I did. And hopefully this is
okay to say on this show, but show. One of
(02:44):
the things I wanted for my birthday was to have
a birthday spanking. Yes, girl, so everybody, well everybody who
wanted to, which was actually most of my friends. Yeah,
it took turns spanking me and my partner. My partners
supervised and like said, you know who would go next,
and was kind of in charge. And it definitely was
(03:08):
a fantasy fulfilled, like I didn't always know who was
maanking me when. And yeah it was hot, highcommended.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Is wonderful.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
Did you have a paddle?
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Did you have something special?
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (03:20):
No, we we bought a paddle on our way up there,
and yeah, people, like I said, took turns and yeah
it was it was fantastic. I'm I'm actually getting a
little flushed right now.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Forget about it.
Speaker 5 (03:33):
Yeah it was, like I said, I'd wanted this experience
for a while, and yeah, it was great.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
I love that for you, and not sure how I don't.
I'm think a nice solid, you know, whack a doodle
on my boudet from the person you know that I'm
you know, having a intimate relationship with. But I don't
know if I would like that. Maybe I'll try it
(04:02):
for my birthday, who knows next year.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Yeah, I'm not sure where the fantasy came from.
Speaker 5 (04:07):
I mean I love being spanked, definitely into paddling, and
it just came to me one day that I would
enjoy this. And yeah, I just keep on having these visions,
like perfectly of people coming up and doing it.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
And you could hear some of my friends like I
want to go, I want to go, and it was
so so I got it.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
Paint the picture here. So were you leaned over the
armchair or were you leaned on leaning on something and
you just couldn't see?
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, how how was this?
Speaker 5 (04:35):
We told everybody, We got consent from everybody, and we said,
you know, in thirty minutes, Genesis, you know, has to
be spanked for our birthday. And so everybody who's in
here at the time, you're consenting to this. Then I
went upstairs and I had like this really poofy short
dress and then everybody was kind of sitting against the
sides of the room and on the wall, and yeah,
(04:58):
I leaned, I leaned over an arm chair and pulled
up my dress and yeah, I couldn't really see anything
that was going on. I could hear some people, but yeah,
I could, I couldn't tell really what was well, I
could feel what was happening, but yeah, yeah, girls see
anything that my partner who was right there kind of directing.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
Was it like a spank each or did they all
do like.
Speaker 5 (05:24):
Some some people were goating for it? So yeah, no,
it wasn't a spanky kind of like as much as
you wanted.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
So I love that.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
You're hilarious and I love it for you so much. Well,
thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
I love that. Yeah, chairs, I know chairs.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
So Chance has two podcasts. Her first one is tell
Us about the Breakup One.
Speaker 5 (05:48):
All right, I have a podcast network, I like to say,
and one of them, the first one is called Breakups,
Broken Hearts and Moving On, yep, which is about all
three of those things. And my second one is called
Sex and the Solo Girl. And with that one we
get into relationships, dating, healthy sexuality, SAMMARUNCHI stuff secure attachment
(06:15):
though as well open communication and a little bit of
the solo lifestyle, which I'm a part of that community.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Great, I love that. So I just went on Janie's
podcast she just dropped h the episode today on Breakups,
Broken Hearts.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
And Moving On. Yeah, it was and I just listened.
Speaker 4 (06:39):
So I was just on that with her a couple
of weeks ago. It's also going to drop on sex
and the solo girl. It is also called cheating. So
we have done this episode kind of Uh, it's gonna
be about the same but a little different, I think,
So we will you know, get into that. So Janie
(06:59):
has some statistics that she brought to the show the
last time that I did this with her, and I
would love for you to share those statistics. And she
asked me at the top of her last show when
we were doing the cheating, what state I thought in
the United States would be the number one state for cheaters?
And my answer was probably a red state where where.
Speaker 3 (07:25):
The just say it, just say it.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
Yeah, where you know, the men think they're superior than
they're woman's not always, but folks, trust me, we all
know that conservatives are a little different than you know,
like a someone who's not as conservative.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
But maybe also a little more sexually repressed.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Yes, yes, so I guess Texas And it turns out.
Speaker 5 (07:52):
Yep, Texas, Alabama, and Nebraska, and yes, Christine guess yeah
almost by on yep, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
I figured big country, big cities, cowboy era cowboy culture.
Speaker 5 (08:10):
But then so we also have by the City. Yes, so,
and this actually comes from Ashley Madison. These are all
like pretty good sources. So, Christine, do you remember the
two or three cities that had the highest levels of infidelity? Oh?
Speaker 3 (08:28):
No, I do not remember. I do not remember that Columbus, Ohio.
I would have thought Salt Lakes City.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
They're bored, there's nothing to do in Columbus, Ohio, sorry, folks.
Speaker 5 (08:41):
But then Miami and Orlando in Florida, I.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Can see that because it's very a party town, very
party town, and a lot of people can go there
for like spring break, and a lot of people go
down there for that bachelorette parties. So I can see
how that could be a big city.
Speaker 5 (09:04):
For I wonder how many much of the INFIDELI does
have to do with spring break. Yes, this is another
one that we both really loved. The DATTA reveals that
thirty one percent of affairs have been with co workers.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
Yeah, yeah, which this has to do with Christine's.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
Story, which we'll talk about.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
Yeah. Yeah. My story is that, you know, my ex
husband cheated with someone at work, and another co worker
at work is a very was a very good friend
of his and mine, and we were doing a separate
project together and he kind of let me know that
something was nefariously going on, and then I put two
(09:48):
and two together and that's yeah, So I get it.
You know, work can be a false sense of closeness
because you're a lot of time during the day with
a person and you know, maybe you think that they
relate better to you than your person.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Or also just close quarters.
Speaker 5 (10:09):
Yeah, I think can lend to it. The position that
somebody has in the company also has a lot to
do with it. Nine percent of non management and low
management employees report in fidelity, a figure that more than
doubles to twenty four percent among middle management and then
(10:34):
rises to thirty percent for upper management.
Speaker 4 (10:38):
Yeah, and I was saying with your podcast that it's
for me. I think it's a sense of power. You know,
people maybe hold it over another person to get a
raise or another position in the job, or you know,
they're just more.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
Also to be a sexier to have an affair with
the CEH than someone entry level.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
I'm just saying.
Speaker 5 (11:04):
At the same time, men a blue collar men, carboner's, electricians,
and plumbers are also more prone falls.
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Yeah, because there are in other people's homes with wives
and or neglected to you know, need affection and attention.
And these hot guys come in and they're in their
house and they know their husbands are away, you know.
Speaker 5 (11:31):
And they're probably like they might outwardly appear more masculine
and again, oh yeah it could you know, be women
might find them more attractive.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
Plus all the pornos let me out with those things,
those type of topics.
Speaker 5 (11:46):
Wow, okay, this was one that we laughed at. And
also that was highly untrusting men. So the amount of
cheating between men and women is a lot closer than
people think.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
People are always saying, why do men cheat? Why do
men cheat? It's so much.
Speaker 5 (12:05):
It's not quite half and half, but a lot closer
than people say. However, men tend to cheat more as
they grow older, with the trend peaking before they reach
eighty naturally naturally and then but this is a new dressing.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
However, women's peak years for infidelity are generally between the
ages of fifty and sixty nine. I can tell you why.
I okay, go ahead.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Women are raising their children, they've been a spouse, they
focus their lives on their kids. Their husbands may not
be connected to them as much anymore. They feel lonely.
Maybe they're by fifty. Most of us are empty nesters
and we're bored.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Not me, I'm not. I'm never going there.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
I'm not a cheater.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
I'm not. I've never been tempted. But you're very sexually active.
I am.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
When I'm not with a partner, I have I date
multiple Who cares, You're I'm out looking for my person right,
But now you know if I'm in a relationship, I'm
highly sexual with my partner.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
And you know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (13:25):
Are you more so at this age than you were
at thirty or forty hundreds million?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
Actually?
Speaker 4 (13:35):
Well, okay, so this is the thing. A lot of
women when they get older, they understand who they are.
They've come into their their sexuality. They are feeling their
vibes great now. Some women are going through perimenopause than menopause,
and they're with their spouse, they're with their partners, and
it's they don't want to be touched. They're in pain,
(13:57):
you know, their vagina walls are breaking down and it
it's painful, it's dry, it's thin, it tears, it's painful.
And unless they're getting treated properly with the right.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Hormones or the right hormone treatment.
Speaker 4 (14:13):
Uh, they're gonna have thinning of vagina, wall lining, They're
gonna have a lot of pain. They're not gonna have
any testosterone to give them that hype. Now I'm past
menopause and my sex drive is bow what you know,
it's it's big and bold and beautiful.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
But also, go you I'm I'm not.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
You know, I'm physically healthy. My vagina is perfect, you know,
it's not thinned or dried.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
And I I have my hormones that.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
Are right and so plus I think I have a
little bit more posterone testosterone than the other ones. So
my drive is very strong.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
So I'm good.
Speaker 4 (14:57):
But it's the older I get, the stronger it feels.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Oh that's awesome.
Speaker 5 (15:01):
I don't know where I'm going to be by the
time I turn fifty because I'm much younger. And my
sex drive too, I'm like, oh, need it constantly. I'm
lucky to have a viial partner.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
But that's great. Maybe that's maybe I'll get into sex
work when I'm older so that I can be sady.
Go there you go. You never know.
Speaker 4 (15:22):
Yeah, so that's you know, that's my opinion on that.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
Do you have any.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
More statistics because I have a couple of things.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Well, I just wanted to kind of make this clearer.
Speaker 5 (15:34):
I think we talked about on breakup's broken hearts and
moving on about like can you recover from this? And
there's two things I want to say. Sixty seven percent
of men and fifty three percent of women who cheated
on their spouse did.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
So more than once.
Speaker 5 (15:56):
And if you are thinking of cheating and hoping maybe
that your partner is going to leave their spouse or
that you have any semblance of a good foundation for
a relationship, one out of ten affairs evolve.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Into a committed relationship. So attempt not to kid yourself
right now.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
I will say that my ex husband and his person
that he cheated with from his work, actually his old work,
is that one percent after we got a divorce, well
after we separated, he tried to be on his own
for a little bit and was not able to be.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Wasn't it like two months or something. It was a
couple of months.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
Yeah, And then he wound up, you know, being with her,
and that's fine, More power to them. And they wound
up together and married and have a child and I
you know, that's great for them, it was a blessing
and for me because you know, he was definitely not
my person or the right person to be with. I
(17:06):
was in a very unhealed place and that trauma fell
into my relationships and you know, I probably wasn't the
best wife, but he wasn't the best husband for me,
you know. So that didn't work out. It did for them,
and I'm happy for them.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
But this would be the exception to the rule, not
the rule.
Speaker 5 (17:31):
I'm always encouraging people and a lot of my clients
in my breakup coaching business have this in their breakup,
either they cheated or their partner that I have to say,
and it just a really rarely last.
Speaker 4 (17:44):
It really rarely least And why would you.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
Just it doesn't even make sense that it would work out,
But I'll just leave it.
Speaker 4 (17:51):
Yeah, I think I'm going to go with what you
were just about to say is why would you put
yourself in a position to be with a person who's
doing with you what you wouldn't want them to do
to you.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
Yep.
Speaker 5 (18:05):
So, and yeah, there's so many things also if you
are going straight from like a marriage to this relationship
with this person. I mean, where is your healing, where
is your opportunity for growth? You need to be single
in between relationships. There's so much about it that just
will not lend to a committed, healthy, long term relation exactly.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Now, I have a couple of things here. I have
how to overcome being cheated on. And if you're attracted
to someone else.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
Who's married, or oh, if you're married, or if you're
in a relationship. I don't want to keep on saying married, married, married,
because a lot of people are committed and not married,
and marriage is kind of going out of style, which
I approve of.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
So I'm an old school I have not been remarried
for the last fifteen years because you know, I I
did not want to get back in the same kind
of relationship that I had been in with my husband,
so I decided to take a break. And then I
just found one dicad after another that it wasn't working.
(19:08):
And then, as you know, everybody who listens to the
show knows that, I then went on my healing journey.
And since I've been on my healing journey, I have
I hadn't found somebody, you know, that that fit within
where I wanted to be with that yet, so you know,
I'm still a work in progress, so I'm good. But
when it's time when I meet my person, I definitely
(19:30):
want to marry him. I definitely do. I love that
commitment that I don't know. I just I was raised
in that kind of culture and I love it. I
also have seen some really fantastic marriages since I left
home and had great examples from other people, and I
(19:51):
want that.
Speaker 5 (19:52):
So all right, Well I'm Polly and my partner's married,
so I'm not sure it's in the cards now, but right.
Speaker 4 (19:59):
Well it's not for all right everybody, And I love
that too. So I have how to overcome being cheated on.
I have five points. And of course, anytime you hear
something you want to pop in, please do allow yourself
to feel everything, because feeling rage and grief and confusion
it's super normal, and suppressing those emotions delays healing.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
Yeah, and we talked about anger on my show and
how if you have a bad breakup that's a very
very help They part of the graving process is allowing
yourself to get pissed off about it.
Speaker 4 (20:33):
And you know, I mentioned on your show that when
I was trying to get over my divorce. I was
super fucking angry, and I chose to go to anger
management on my own personal level to find actionable things
to teach me how to overcome my anger, how to
work through it, and how to you know, make it
(20:56):
not so controlling in my life.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
Yeah, And I applied for being willing to share that
I mean and for yeah, self selecting to go through
anger management.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
Well, I felt that traditional therapy wasn't working for me
because my husband was in therapy and we had talked
about this too, that my husband was in therapy, and
he invited me to come to his therapy appointments to
do group counseling or counseling, and it was a disaster.
Both him and his therapist really just came at me,
(21:31):
and I was like, what the fuck. He's the one
being the asshole and you know, and cheating and shit,
and yet she's like jumping down my fucking throat. We
tried a different therapist and by then I was just done.
So it did not work.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
And we're going to do an episode on bad couples
therapy and experiences, So please get in touch if you're interested.
Speaker 4 (21:52):
Exactly number two. The second one I have is avoid
what did I do wrong? Spiral because you want to
focus on their actions, not your perceived inadequacies, because their
betrayal definitely doesn't define someone's worth.
Speaker 5 (22:10):
And mindfulness is really important when you're going through a
bad breakup and not preventing yourself from having the spiraling
cycling thoughts. That's also a part of breakup brain but
and something maybe to be worked through. But it's also
crazy making, So get some supporter on that as well.
Speaker 4 (22:28):
Yes, yes, because you can really let that shit eat
you up, so don't. We don't want that for you.
Set firm boundaries, and setting firm boundaries in the beginning
of a relationship is so much more important. But when
you get yourself in a situation that you find that
you've been cheated on, set firm boundaries, whether it's no contact,
(22:49):
time apart ending the relationship, but you want to define
what you need to feel safe and to start healing.
Speaker 5 (22:56):
I'm all about the no contact and I think I
cheat on somebody else they might feel inclined to try
and look after them emotionally, which I have seen f
that creates space. This person is not the one you
want looking out for you right now, exactly.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Now.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
This is the thing when.
Speaker 4 (23:17):
When you get a divorce and you have children, okay,
or you break up with somebody and you have children together,
it's hard to go no contact. So I'm hearing a
lot of things in my head. I can I can
feel people listening to this, going, oh can I go
no contact? I have children, but this is the thing.
Stay in contact with them when it comes.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
To your kids.
Speaker 4 (23:40):
I have actually just recently suggested to a friend of mine,
I'm writing a book called I don't remember what it's
called right now because my brain is fried, but it's
something to do with, you know, surviving a narcissistic divorce.
And one of the things I suggested to her was
get a burner phone okay for all texts and message
(24:00):
for the X.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (24:01):
And also you can I have a list of things
as well because of my breakup coaching clients.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
And also you can keep things mostly to email.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Yes, And you want to keep everything in writing, Try
not to talk unless you absolutely have to, and do
not talk about your relationship or anything that has to
do with you or him or her privately. You want
to stick to the kids only, and you want to
have as much documentation as possible when you are communicating
with somebody with children, because that is that's going to
(24:32):
go real so or real fast. Unless you've got somebody
who you know is just understanding and connects to you
in a good way, that's great, but it's it's tough.
Speaker 5 (24:43):
If it's a narcissist or somebody who's cheated is probably
not going to have the emotional intelligence that you need
to like really effectively and help the le co parent.
Speaker 3 (24:54):
Absolutely absolutely okay.
Speaker 4 (24:56):
Next one is seek support, therapy, support, anger management. Even
close friends can offer clarity and keep you from internalizing
blame because internalizing blame is just going to eat you
the fuck up. And it's not the person who's being
cheated on's fault. It really has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (25:18):
And you know what, if your partner.
Speaker 4 (25:20):
Wants to blame you by saying, well, you weren't intimate
with me anymore, or you weren't this, or you weren't that, well,
where was the relationship in that communication to come back
together to say, hey, something's not working, what do we do?
Instead your fucking ass went off and you know, chose
to connect with somebody else.
Speaker 5 (25:41):
It's just really Yeah, there's so much to be said,
uh about that. I mean, there's so many ways to
come back together as a couple. There's also the option
of saying this isn't working anymore.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
We're empty nesters. We have the opportunity to each have
our own lives. Yeah, lots of other ways.
Speaker 5 (26:00):
Plus we also talked about, you know, whether or not
you should even bring it up, but maybe maybe that's notus.
Speaker 3 (26:06):
I definitely think communicating is better.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
One person thinking they're getting over on another person is
not great, and it's going to be resentfulness happening soon.
I don't blame somebody who wants to stay in the
relationship after the cheating happens. If you and your partner
can overcome that, then my god, I'll put more power
to you. It's your life, your choice, is your your decisions.
Speaker 5 (26:33):
But you know who's going to feel better though from
putting it out in the open, the person who is
cheated on or the person who's trying to unburden themselves.
I think this is more complicated.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
It's very complicated. In my story telling, Janie, I told
about how I confronted my husband.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
Oh yes, please tell these stories.
Speaker 4 (26:56):
So I knew that he was cheating, and I promised
the friend who told me that I wasn't going to
tell who told as you know, I don't want to
shoot the messenger. And it's not his problem, it's ours.
So when my husband got home, I just said, hey,
(27:17):
I hired a private investigator, which I hadn't, but I
said I did. I said I hire. He's going to
know now because he stalks me on this show.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
God, Hey, buddy, Hey, here we go, Lucky.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
I'm not saying your name. He came to me, he
was in the kitchen. I was in the kitchen, and
I said, hey, I just wanted to let you know
I hired a private investigator, and I have photos and
documentation of you spending time with your coworker after work,
and I've pictures of you guys kissing. And he flipped
(27:54):
out and he started saying, oh my god, you know,
I'm so sorry, and you know, just apologizing for it.
But it was in a matter of like maybe a
day or so that he came back just saying, no, no,
I did not cheat. I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 5 (28:12):
It was, yeah, it wasn't me, Christine. So but one
of the reasons that you said it on my show
that it was really the end was it was not
the first time that he had done something super sketchy
(28:33):
as fuck. And you had another story of catching him
in the act from like yours earlier that was also
pretty badass.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
He was sketchy in the beginning of our relationship when
we were in it for about a year and a
half maybe okay, and he moved into my place. He
left his apartment moved into my place, and he was
using my desktop computer and he had sent an email
to somebody and he had left the fucking email open.
(29:02):
And while I was on my computer looking at uh
oh my god monologues for the acting class that I
was in, I saw the notification that the email did
not go, and I thought it was in my email,
so I clicked on it and I opened it, and
I was like, why did this not go? And who
is this too? And what is this about? And then
(29:24):
I saw the email and it was from my ex husband,
who was my boyfriend at the time, who moved in
with me, to another girl that he had casually met,
opening a door for her. She smiled at him, and
he proceeded to get her email from her and then
tell her that she was the most beautiful thing, the
most beautiful eyes, thede a smile, all the same shit
(29:48):
he said to me when he.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Was wooing me.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
And when he got home, what I said was, Hey,
I found a monologue and this is normal for us,
I said, I found a monologue.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
I want to know what your thoughts are. I'm going
to read it to you.
Speaker 4 (30:02):
You tell me if he get worse are And I said,
so it's called And by the way, the monologue that
I was going to be doing was called Betrayal, and
it was from a play, had nothing to do with
what I was about to read. And what I did
is opened the email and started reading the email to
him titled Betrayed. And you should have seen his face
(30:24):
when I read that to him. He was like, oh, sorry,
I'm sorry.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
I have read the email to him.
Speaker 3 (30:31):
That is that is so cool.
Speaker 4 (30:35):
I loved it. But you know, in the past, he
had not cheated on me as far as I know.
I just know that later when we you know, when
I did find out about the infidelity, he did say
to me. You know at one point that he when
he was younger in his you know, late teens and twenties,
he had dated one girl, and I'll use that name
(30:59):
because it's funny. Her name was Amy. He met another
girl named Amy that he cheated on the first girl with.
He broke up with the first girl, Amy, went to
the second girl. Amy, then cheated on the second girl,
Amy with the first girl Amy, second girl, Amy to
go back to the first girl.
Speaker 3 (31:18):
Amy. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:19):
And I didn't know this until we were married and
in a relationship and blah blah blah. And he swore,
you know, he would never cheat on me. He's not
a cheater, But unfortunately, a lot of cheaters will continue
to cheat.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
Well, sixty seven percent of men will cheat on their
spouse born.
Speaker 4 (31:40):
Well, I hope I find the thirty three.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
It's sixty percent of men who cheat will do it.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
I'm hoping to find forty percent men who don't cheat.
Speaker 3 (31:55):
Let's hope.
Speaker 4 (31:56):
My last one for overcoming being cheated on is choose
your next chapter. Reconciliation is possible, but only with honesty, transparency,
and accountability. Otherwise walk away. Walking away is self protection
and not failure.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Now I went a little.
Speaker 4 (32:15):
Bit deeper, and I wanted to say, you know, a
lot of what we talked about before janis with cheating
is that you know. I mentioned that if you are
in the spot to consider cheating, that you know, to
talk to your spouse or your partner and say, look,
things aren't working for me.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
I want to move on.
Speaker 4 (32:36):
Okay, Personally, I think the breakup is better for your
actions than anything. But I did some research and I
came up with some things that I thought, maybe instead
of talking about that, if we if we find ourself
attracted to somebody else when you're in a relationship, here
(32:58):
are some simple steps to help you in that time.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
Okay, you are with someone, you're attracted to someone outside
the relation, yes, okay, Just to be claric cool.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
Number one is don't panic attractions. Yeah, don't panic. If
you're just an normal person and you find yourself attracted
to somebody, like say at work or friend, or like
the stupid girl that you open the fucking door for,
don't panic. Attraction is human. It doesn't mean that you
(33:31):
are like at a cheater. Okay, long term relationships don't
kill attractions to other people. This is how we respond
that matters. It's how we take.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
Our next step.
Speaker 4 (33:44):
Do we respond to a person that's smiling at us
and flirting at us. Do we take that another step? No,
you know, being understanding that attraction is human. You don't
have to necessarily act upon it or.
Speaker 5 (34:00):
Have some sort of crisis about your relationship. Something that
I didn't go to in the show but I wanted
to is pop culture depictions of infidelity.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
And that is one.
Speaker 5 (34:12):
Thing that they do show a lot, is someone in
a long term relationship becomes attracted to someone else.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
And they're like, what does this mean?
Speaker 5 (34:21):
You know, I don't know how to handle this, Maybe
my relationship is in trouble. And yeah, sometimes they act
upon it or just sit there dwelling on it and
rather than just oh.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
That was interesting. You know he's hot and.
Speaker 5 (34:35):
You know we had a good conversation. And that's one
thing that they show. And so I think some of
the depictions do lead people to think of it in
a certain in a certain way.
Speaker 4 (34:46):
Yeah, So if you find yourself in a position where
you are attracted to somebody or you're thinking about somebody
a lot, or yeah, you're in that kind of situation,
pause and reflect. This is really important and reflect. What
you want to do is ask yourself what am I seeking?
Speaker 3 (35:04):
Is it attention?
Speaker 4 (35:06):
Is it excitement? Is it escape, And often the attraction
is more about you than the other person you're interested,
or the person that you're cheating on or contemplating cheating on.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
Or maybe you just think they're high. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
Right, But what I'm saying is is that if you
find yourself attracted to a coworker or find yourself attracted
to a person, that you are like thinking, oh my god,
could I cheat with this person?
Speaker 3 (35:36):
Like taking the next step?
Speaker 4 (35:38):
Okay, yes, it's like stop and reflect that we're past
the just being attracted to somebody. We're talking about contemplating something. Yes,
it's it's figuring out what are you looking for? Are
you wanting attention? Excitement?
Speaker 3 (35:52):
Escape?
Speaker 4 (35:53):
And you need to turn and talk to your fucking partner.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
I'm not sure I would say I'm attracted to someone else.
Speaker 4 (36:00):
No, maybe I would talk to them about what the
fuck is.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Going on in your head.
Speaker 4 (36:04):
Don't say I'm attracted to other people.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
Say I'm finding myself feeling a lack.
Speaker 4 (36:09):
Of excitement or or I'm I'm lonely. I feel like
I'm laying beside you in bed and we don't cuddle,
we don't love, we don't kiss, we don't do this
fucking talk.
Speaker 5 (36:21):
They Actually, I do a lot of research on the
topic of loneliness and overcoming it, and the rates of
people reporting being lonely are just as high inside of marriages,
that's outside.
Speaker 4 (36:33):
Outside exactly because you're not goddamn communicating with your partner.
It's one hundred percent communication. If you're not communicating, things
are going to break down.
Speaker 5 (36:42):
And they might still but you, I mean you could try.
I mean, look, some relationships run their course. I believe
that strongly.
Speaker 4 (36:49):
Yes I do too, Yes, I do too. Here's the
next one. Double down on your relationship instead of benicizing, like,
reinvent that energy into your current partner. Plan a fucking date,
share a secret, try something new. But got to double
down on your relationship before you give up on it.
Speaker 5 (37:10):
This is where I think the love languages came into
play in the very beginning, because it was an attempt
Gary Hendrix to help married people repair things, and so
that would be a place to start to learn about
that and then to execute it.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Yeah, that's great. And the last one I have for
that is.
Speaker 4 (37:29):
Be honest with yourself.
Speaker 3 (37:30):
If you're regularly drawn to others.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
You may be emotionally disconnected or out of alignment with
your partner, and that's worth exploring before betrayal begins. That's
my that's my take on that. I also have how
to avoid cheating.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
I have communicate with your needs.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
Before acting on impulses because resentments and dissatisfaction confesster so
speaking up early and often about it. If it does change,
then you got a problem within the relationship. In that
relationship before you move on, be real about your relationship's weakness,
weaknesses or or weak spots. Ignoring problems can increase vulnerability
(38:14):
to temptation. Limit situations that tempt you, like that harmless
DM or the late night drink or the hotel hangout
with someone you're attracted to. Right Ye, setting clear personal
boundaries is really really important.
Speaker 3 (38:30):
Yes, respect your partner even when they're not around.
Speaker 4 (38:34):
If you wouldn't say it with them in the mother
f and room, don't do it.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
Don't do it period.
Speaker 4 (38:42):
Fucking some chick is hitting on you in the coffee
line and you look smoking that day and they're like
hitting on you. Smiles, say thank you and say move on.
If they ask for your number or try to start
a conversation, just say, you know, thank you for the conversation,
I am marry thank you for the conversation, but or
I'm in a committed relationship, but thank you goodbye. Remember
(39:07):
that there's a cost before cheating. Think of what you'd lose, trust, intimacy, connection,
maybe someone who truly loves you. Maybe half of your
goddamn so you're or one k in the half of
your income for the rest of your life. Seeing your
kids on fucking visitation days. Yeah, really think about that
(39:29):
shit before you do it.
Speaker 5 (39:31):
Also some self respect, perhaps some self lowing back, you know, if.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
You have children.
Speaker 5 (39:39):
Yeah, this, I mean, this is gonna make a mark
on possibly the rest of your life.
Speaker 4 (39:44):
It's going to make a mark on the rest of
your life. And it actually, uh, you might get some
kind of satisfaction out of it. Maybe you don't, who knows.
But the people who are going to suffer the most
or the people I love you, that's your partner, your children,
your families.
Speaker 3 (40:05):
This is not just going to affect you.
Speaker 4 (40:07):
It affects your fucking parents because of communication with your spouse.
It affects your spouse's parents. There are family gatherings, they're
you know, friends, mutual friends. I lost every single one
of my friends when I got a divorce because all
of my girlfriends that were my girlfriends before I got married,
(40:28):
I introduced them to my husband's friends and they became partners.
I lost them to that relationship.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
I lost my.
Speaker 4 (40:35):
Female friends that were partnered with his friends.
Speaker 5 (40:39):
And I'm sorry to interrupt, but this whole thing about
thirty one percent of people are doing it at work.
You could cost yourself professionally as well. Iow I mentioned
a friend of mine who I had become involved with
someone at work and she ultimately had to switch jobs
because he was her superior and they decided to stay
(41:01):
together and that wasn't allowed. I mean, she's happier now
and she got away from him. You know, it didn't
work out. But that's a very real, real risk as well.
Maybe not if you're a carpenter, plumber, other but if
you're in upper management well.
Speaker 4 (41:18):
As you clients, it costs you. You know, a husband
coming at you or a wife coming at you.
Speaker 3 (41:27):
It's no going back.
Speaker 4 (41:28):
Really, no, that's a line that's uh not the best
choice for somebody. You know, there's so many consequences. I'm
not saying I know that there. I actually know people
who are in dead end relationships who are staying for
the kids. They live in separate bedrooms, separate rooms of
(41:51):
separate lives, but are still together for the kids. I've
seen it.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
I've seen it a lot.
Speaker 4 (41:56):
And uh, there are a lot of men out there
and a lot of women out there, you know, seeking
comfort in the arms of somebody else because of that.
And I don't blame you for that. I don't blame
people for being human. What I do say is that
just be aware that hurting other people is a big,
big deal. And maybe that isn't who you are. And
(42:18):
if it is who you are, why are you in
a relationship in the first focus.
Speaker 5 (42:21):
So we talked in the show, yeah about cases that
are understandable, Yes, because a divorce is so messy and
painful and long and oh yeah and you might still
have si matterie with your spouse and just feel stuck
and yeah, it doesn't make it right.
Speaker 3 (42:40):
But yeah, we talked about the big gray area.
Speaker 4 (42:43):
Personally, I say, you know, maybe talk to your spouse
about opening the relationship up. You know, that's not a
bad choice. Maybe sit them down and say, look, I'm suffering.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if
we can save this. I don't want to leave you.
I love you, I love our children, I love our life.
I want to stay again. But is there maybe some
way we can either get help and if we can't
(43:05):
and you don't want to divorce either, maybe we can
open the relationship.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
You never know.
Speaker 5 (43:09):
Yeah, there's sex counselors, there's sexy retreats you can go
on there. There are a lot of options. Yeah, lots
of coaches who do this, this type of thing.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
I mean, give it a go.
Speaker 5 (43:21):
If you still have a friendship and you know a
certain level of it to micy, Yeah, see what you
can do. And it's going to take a lot of
intention and being really progressive about it, but takes lot.
You might end up even closer than you were before.
Speaker 4 (43:37):
You may rEFInd your partner, You may rEFInd your spark.
I mean, you married this person for a reason. If
there's something that is driving you away from your partner,
then maybe look at you, Look at you. What's going
on in your head? What's going on in your life?
What are you, you know, not bringing to the table.
Maybe ask your spouse or your partner what are you lacking?
(44:00):
What are you missing?
Speaker 3 (44:02):
What haven't I done for you?
Speaker 4 (44:03):
Lately, Yeah, find out maybe if they're feeling the same way.
Speaker 5 (44:07):
Yeah, And that is hard to get to the point
where you decide to end it or decide.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
To leave it.
Speaker 5 (44:13):
I mean I left my marriage and by the time
I got to that point, I was so worn down
and so distraught and depressed. So it's a big it's
a really big step. But geting to the point and
then creating an action plan.
Speaker 3 (44:29):
That's an option as well.
Speaker 5 (44:31):
If it's not working anymore, it's not working.
Speaker 3 (44:33):
I agree.
Speaker 4 (44:34):
I pull a lot of cards at the end of
the shows these days, like a collective, a collective reading. Okay,
And I brought my angel cards today and I pulled one,
and I find it interesting that it's this card. It's
happiness is in your hands card, and you can choose
(44:55):
to be happy. Now, you know, people don't realize. They
think that other people are the ones causing and affecting,
and really it's you. It's inside you. You choose happiness.
Happiness will follow if you. If you choose to stay
miserable and in a situation that's not good for you,
(45:15):
well guess where what's gonna happen.
Speaker 5 (45:18):
If the power also into your own hands, be intentional
things don't just happen now.
Speaker 4 (45:24):
When my husband and I, when he knew when I
found out about everything, he moved into our back house.
He stayed there about three or four months. I could
tell he was not in it to win it because
he ignored me. I wasn't He wasn't part of the
family really anymore. He didn't pay bills anymore, and I
(45:48):
knew it was going downhill.
Speaker 3 (45:49):
Now.
Speaker 4 (45:50):
He had set a date to move out so that
we could work on it, but I knew the minute
he moved out that it was never going to work.
So I made that choice to move forward with the divorce.
So you know, it's okay to make those choices, to
choose yourself, to choose your piece, to choose your happiness.
(46:10):
And if anybody is going through the situation you want
any help, please reach out to us.
Speaker 3 (46:14):
We're happy to help you.
Speaker 4 (46:16):
Janice can help you as a coach. I can help
you with advice from somebody who's been there. Hopefully I'll
have my book ready soon. I see, We'll see, and
you know we're here for you. We're a support system.
I have lots of counselors and therapists that is in
our back pockets that we can guide you with. But
(46:38):
just remember, if you're out there going to you know,
you think that just fucking around is going to be okay,
the casualties of that war is going to be bad.
Speaker 5 (46:48):
Agree, And like I have helped coach a lot of
people through this, so yeah, feel free to reach out.
I agree.
Speaker 4 (46:54):
So what's up next for you?
Speaker 3 (46:55):
Janis what's up next for me?
Speaker 5 (46:58):
Like tonight, No, I'm tonight tomorrow life life, Well, I'm
very focused on sex and the solo girl and say
about that. I have a brand new website, jennisfromichella dot
com that I just announced.
Speaker 3 (47:10):
Uh last week.
Speaker 5 (47:12):
I'm in a good relationship that is taking a lot
of work, but I'm definitely yes, willing to do Yes
it does. And I'm going off to watch the Nuggets
game because we're in the semi finals. Yeah for you guys, Yeah, yeah,
I'm super excited about that. Go Nuggets.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
I don't care as much about basketball, but I really
deeply care about hockey.
Speaker 3 (47:40):
Hockey. You're a hockey girling up, and uh, you know,
we l the la things.
Speaker 4 (47:48):
They they choked this year unfortunately, but you know, I
love hockey, so I wish it was still going on.
I'd love to go see a game again.
Speaker 3 (47:57):
Thank you for having me. This was This was a
lot of fun.
Speaker 5 (47:59):
And yeah, everyone go Jannisromitella dot Com and chry Us
Sex and the Solo Girl. We have some really fun episodes,
Yeah they do.
Speaker 4 (48:06):
It's really fun if you're going through a breakup or
struggling listen to broken.
Speaker 5 (48:11):
Hearts, breakups, broken hearts and moving on and also yeah,
I would love to This is totally something that you
can overcome.
Speaker 3 (48:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (48:19):
Absolutely, Thank you everyone who comes and listens to us
every week.
Speaker 3 (48:24):
We love having you here.
Speaker 4 (48:26):
And just remember, same time, same place next week, and
until then, let's keep the shit real.
Speaker 3 (48:31):
Bye.
Speaker 4 (48:33):
If you enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends,
like and follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades of
Underscore Bullshit and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Speaker 2 (48:47):
Thanks so much for listening, and we really hope to
see you again next week
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