June 5, 2025 • 49 mins
Christine sits down with breakup coach Janice Formichella and certified sex coach Jessie Maree to explore how to confidently express your sexual needs in relationships. We unpack the fears, blocks, and shame that surround sexual communication, and give you real actionable tools for better conversation and better sex. From navigating sexual self-awareness to scripts for starting those vulnerable talks, this episode is filled with practical advice, hot takes, and a few laugh-out-loud moments.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
their guests, and not those of the Entertainment Network or
any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry you should be
(00:21):
directed to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey everyone, and welcome to Fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating. Now let's begin.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Hey everyone, I'm Christine and I'm Janis and.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
This is fifty Shades of Bullshit. Hey, Jennis, thanks for
joining me again today. I appreciate you always being here
for me.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
I'm always down for some spicy girl talk.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
I love it. Well today, as you all, we'll see again.
Jada is not here, and we don't know where Jada is.
She's kind of disappeared off.
Speaker 5 (01:08):
The shall we say, yeah, it's kind of sad that,
you know, we've got a dating coach slash matchmaker and
she's exhibiting avoidant behavior.
Speaker 6 (01:19):
Anyway, Well, I'm happy to step in. I do agree
that that is very unfortunate.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
But it is frustrating because we are very good friends,
or at least I thought we were very good friends,
and it's not going so well right now. So we are.
Speaker 6 (01:33):
We are good friends, and I know that we're good friends.
I'm meet here to help, but yeah, you definitely deserve
the best and our wonderful person and an understanding person
and yeah, no, no need for all of this.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Well, thank you, but I miss Chida. I wish that,
you know, she would return my calls. But that's okay.
We will move on. So I have incredible people supporting
you know. You and Steve really have stepped up and
helped me with co hosting and our incredible guests which
we have every week, which today we are bringing back
(02:10):
Jesse Marie, and I am very excited because since she
was last on the show a long time ago, way
too long ago. I knew what episode it was a
hot minute ago, but now I don't remember, and at
some point I'll remember and bring it up.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
So y'all, something kinky, something kinky.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
I am definitely was kinky.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
Well, you know what, Christine.
Speaker 6 (02:32):
The actual episode that she was on was I believe
your one hundredth episode anniversary where we talked about the
person with the belly button fen kink Ae hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
She was with us on our one hundredth episode that
was eighty five episodes ago.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
Her first time on the show was episode fifty six
and it was titled Pink one oh one.
Speaker 6 (02:58):
I love it, and I want to brag because I
actually introduced Jesse to the show because she's a close
friend of mine.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
I know, I love it. Any close friend of Jonas
is a close fer her mind, because I love you.
So we're excited to bring on Jesse. Let's bring Jesse in.
Jesse is going to talk to us today about how
to communicate our sexual needs with our partner.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Hello Jess, Hello, back.
Speaker 7 (03:30):
Button finish.
Speaker 6 (03:32):
That seems like it was just a short while ago,
but you're ago two years ago?
Speaker 7 (03:38):
Yeah, ago?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
I got another email from that same person about the
belly button, asking me about pregnancy and babies, and I
guess him and his girlfriend of fiance are having a
baby now, So that belly button futish is going to
become real big Yeah, I say.
Speaker 6 (04:02):
That bell the button is going to be transforming, right.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
I hope they're listening today because we loved your email.
Speaker 6 (04:14):
I actually I have a photo colage in my dining
room with pictures of my friends, and actually have a
picture of that episode, like a screenshot that I took
on the collage. I'll send it to both of you.
Speaker 4 (04:27):
I mean I'll post it on the okay.
Speaker 6 (04:29):
Yeah, because there's like ten of us on there celebrating
with you while you were reading an email and everybody's laughing,
and I got this really cute shot of everybody cracking up.
Speaker 4 (04:38):
And we were drinking and every single time a certain
word was said.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Taking something like that again, like a happy hour or
something like a summer party with a bunch of your
closest guest friends.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
Well, we're in episode one eighty five, so we're damn
close to two hundred. So I'm gonna do the same
thing episode two hundred. I'm gonna have all y'all back again.
We'll just like have fun and do.
Speaker 6 (05:08):
It all if she wants to be back.
Speaker 4 (05:15):
Now she is avoiding me, so I guess I'm scary news.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
I mean, like I told you, I wouldn't want to
be on your pad.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
Well, you know this is the thing. I will do
anything almost for anybody. I am very fiercely loyal. I'm
extremely protective. And let's see if I can change my
coloring here, because my coloring is shit. I'm just gonna
filter party. So yeah, here, we we got a party
(05:46):
party going.
Speaker 6 (05:50):
You are such an extrovert, Like as soon as you
started talking, all your energy came back.
Speaker 8 (05:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
I've been working like fifteen plus hours a day for
the last two or three weeks. I got another week
of it, and in the middle of that, I've got
to fly to Minneapolis to help my other friend with
her catering jobs. And it's it's a little overwhelming right now.
I'm burning in at both ends and the candle is
like almost touch it. I'm about to burn out. I
(06:18):
can feel the wall. I'm a real close. But I
got to hold off another week and then I'll be fine.
But what were we talking about?
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (06:29):
Oh yeah, you know I will protect anybody, and especially
if I love you. If you're an underdog, I'm the
first to stand up. Like yesterday, we were at an
event and I made a comment about how sad I
was that it was gay Pride parade here in West
Hollywood this weekend, and I typically love to go to
(06:49):
that one with my my my brother from another mother, Dean,
who I love so much, and all my friends would
be there, and I love to go on the June
one beginning of June, and I made a comment that
I was sad that I missed it, and somebody else
in the room in the kitchen actually made it, said
(07:10):
something about oh, like made a funky sound and said
I don't care, or made some dumb ass comment, and
I whirled around and I was like, Okay, I'm pre
warning anybody who said that that I'm about to come
bust some ass. To anybody who says that they don't
(07:31):
care about gay Pride, I said, because mama is about
to fuck some people. They were like, oh no, oh no,
that was to something else. That was not to you.
Cover nice real ass, but I will also protect it.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
This is true, this is very true about you.
Speaker 4 (07:54):
Yeah, we just don't want to cross me. I've become
hardcore old age. I understand why old people get all crotchety.
Speaker 6 (08:04):
I don't know if i'd say your crotchety because you're protective.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
Yes, yes, yes, very attentive too as a friend.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Oh thank you, I appreciate that. Well, today we're actually
going to talk about how do you actually tell your
partner what you want in bed? I think this is
a really important subject come without it getting too awkward
or being dismissed or being ignored. I think that having
that fine line is really important to figure out. And
(08:35):
that's why we are here to help. We are wanting
to unpack the fears, blocks, and shame that often surrounds
sexual communication and give you some real actionable tools, hopefully
today having better communication and better sex, because I think
everybody should have extraordinary sex, you.
Speaker 9 (08:56):
Know, yes, oh yes, I know that a lot of
problems tend to stem from religious beliefs or religious affiliate affiliations.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
But let's talk some real ship for a second. If
we believe in God, Okay, let's just say, if we do,
and we're talking about sexual health, or sexual communication or
sex in the bedroom, my kitchen, bathroom.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
Outside wherever.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Just think about it as this, we are giving very
specific types of bodies that were meant to have sexual
If we weren't given sexual pleasure, then you know, why
are you poo pooing it. I say to people all
the time, I say, hey, you were given sexual pleasure.
Why wouldn't you enjoy what you were given? You were
given something that was to bring you joy, so why
(09:50):
not enjoy it? And I don't know why people get
a hung up? What's your experience, Jesse when you work
with people?
Speaker 10 (09:58):
I think that's a little bit of religion does come
in with that, right is we are if you want
to say set fembodied humans are typically seen as breeding
machines and we're not here for pleasure, but we literally
have the clitorists, which is the only purpose of it
(10:19):
is for pleasure. And it is reframing that I don't
work with a lot of highly religious people's I just
don't seem to attract them.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Well. Also, New Zealand is not the most religious place.
Speaker 7 (10:34):
No we're not.
Speaker 10 (10:35):
We're very like chill here in terms of like, no
one's a hardcore anything you'd get chopped down. We have
top coffee syndrome. Right the minute you stand out, someone's
gonna cut you down. We do have like our current
government is a Christian and reflect views of your current
(10:56):
leader a little bit, just not as extreme, you know,
right now, like a little bit of choice right now.
But we uh, you know, we're designed for pleasure female
bodies not not not that male bodies aren't either, but
we have an organ that is literally designed purely no
(11:18):
other purpose.
Speaker 6 (11:21):
And it's ours and so therefore our clip we got
to take responsibility for. Yeah, that our clip responsibility for We.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Make a little jingle, jingle for the dingle. What are
we gonna do? Yeah, I agree with you, Jessie. You
know we I grew up in a religious community or family,
(11:53):
and they did all the terrible things wrong. But you
know sex was taboo.
Speaker 10 (12:00):
Well, it's like both of you, right, grew up in
quite heavily religious backgrounds, like I didn't. I grew up
in a family where my mom tried to go to
church a couple of times with us and it just
didn't stick. I am very spiritual, I don't like I don't.
Speaker 7 (12:17):
I'm not a religious.
Speaker 10 (12:18):
If I believe in God, it's definitely not a man
in the sky.
Speaker 7 (12:22):
I'm a man controlling the world.
Speaker 10 (12:26):
But it's very different, right, Like we my mom and
I had a very it wasn't it was a taboo,
but it wasn't taboo, right, Like we don't speak about it,
but we don't get shamed for it either. Well I
didn't personally. I can't speak for everyone here. You know
who my mom thinks I lost my virginity virginity too,
(12:46):
and who I actually did two different people you.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Know, and a private information. Parents don't need to know
those things.
Speaker 10 (12:56):
Again, it was a shamy thing. It was like, aren't
you glad you didn't sleep with this person? And when
we had slept with this.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
Person, that's terrible.
Speaker 10 (13:04):
Yeah, I have since told her, like it was a
secret for a long time, but I have since told her.
Speaker 7 (13:09):
As I got older, I was like, by the way, can.
Speaker 4 (13:13):
We not say this?
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Uh?
Speaker 10 (13:19):
Yeah, but like here, I don't know, we're a little
we're also very taboo though, like you know, people don't
talk about sex or it's not a very boring.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Well except that you were heavily in the thing, and
I am.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
Yeah, which I mean it's not small, not too small.
Speaker 10 (13:39):
It's also full of fucking drama at the moment, and
I just cannot be bothered.
Speaker 4 (13:45):
I feel you. I think it's so difficult for people
to talk about sex besides religion. You know, why do
you think that in a normal day and age as
grown as adults that we struggle so hard.
Speaker 10 (13:58):
I think unfortunately it comes with the territory of having
moved from like a tribe state mindset, where like if
you look at like overseas and tribes and stuff, it's
not taboo. They're doing the things. But when religion came
in and trying to control people came in, that came
from the shaming and the you know, all of that
(14:20):
sort of messaging around sex is.
Speaker 7 (14:23):
Just for reproduction.
Speaker 10 (14:25):
Sex is just for this, And we don't talk about
it because how how dare you well?
Speaker 6 (14:29):
And we're brought up to not talk about it, Like,
at what point are we supposed to be starting to
talk about it. We're raised to not really discuss and
so when were we supposed to.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Start talking about it? Yeah, and that's how we're supposed
to learn.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
I've been reading.
Speaker 10 (14:47):
I just finished a book called Sizzling Sex for Life,
and he speaks about like education and stuff all the
way through from kids.
Speaker 7 (14:54):
We touch ourselves, We touch ourselves in the womb.
Speaker 10 (14:57):
You know.
Speaker 4 (14:58):
This is the thing though, when we start to Okay,
let me, let me redefine this, because my brain is
going a mile an hour.
Speaker 11 (15:09):
But yeah, I meant, yeah, I don't flow and fast,
and it's like brain.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
So here's the thing. I started trying to talk to
my kids, my two, my three daughters about sex and
their teens. I tried to sit down and talk to
them about it and say, hey, you know, there's nothing
wrong with you know, self pleasure. You got to know
about self pleasure to know before somebody else can pleasure you,
and blah blah blah. No one, No one wanted to
talk to me. They shut me down. Hush hush, no, mom,
(15:49):
I don't want to hear it. And you know, we're
trying to tell our kids. You don't want to tell
them too young to get them like all crazy and weird.
Speaker 10 (15:56):
But though that's a misconception though, because you see, in
doing that, you've now made them crazy and weird about
it when you want to talk to them about those
teens because if you start talking about it at a
young age, like I don't know, kids start touching themselves
at like what six seven I think and can do right,
and it's like it's like okay, cool, just go to
that in your bedroom, you know, and like it's keeping
(16:18):
it age appropriate education so that when you come out
to them at like sixteen or whatever. As a teenager,
they've already got an understanding of it, and you can
be like, it's okay, it's normal. But if you've shushed
them until that point, say unintentionally, because you don't seem
like someone that would do that intentionally, right, Like, unintentionally
it's not been a topic that's come up until now,
(16:39):
going to be weird because they've already got it from
their friends in school and other messaging around being like
this is weird. Don't talk about it, it's bad, it's taboo. Like,
Whereas if you can like just openly talk about it
obviously age appropriately, Like you're not going to tell a
five year old how to go self pleasure themselves. That's disgusting.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
I talk about your sex life, you're.
Speaker 7 (17:00):
Gonna talk about yourself.
Speaker 10 (17:01):
But I'm negative about like if they are touching themselves
out in the like I have a friend who did that.
Her daughter was starting to touch your stuff around five,
I think, and in lounge and stuff, and.
Speaker 7 (17:12):
She'd be like, look, babe, you can go do that.
Speaker 10 (17:14):
Just go do it in your bedroom, right and wasn't
didn't tell her off, wasn't like you were bad.
Speaker 7 (17:19):
That's don't do that that's disgusting. Blah blah blah. It
was just very much just go and do it in
your bedroom. That's so interesting. It's not a public thing.
It's a private thing.
Speaker 4 (17:26):
I don't think any of my kids I ever found
or thought or experienced anything like that. I think that
you know, as they were getting older, you know, as
they started to like like boys or show interest in dating,
you know, I would say, you know, sex is not
a bad thing. You know, touching yourself is not a
bad thing, you know, self pleasure, whatever. But they don't
(17:49):
want to hear it.
Speaker 10 (17:50):
From going through that place where they're like, ooh, mom,
don't talk to me about that. Oh gross, because like
talking to their mom about sex.
Speaker 7 (17:58):
But it'll float people, right.
Speaker 10 (18:00):
Some people love it and not everyone's the same, And
at some point the flip and they want to come
to you. But as long as you keep being a
safe space for them to be able to have that
flip right and be like, oh mom, I'm dealing with this.
Speaker 7 (18:12):
You know, all this boy wants to do this or
the girl wants to do that.
Speaker 10 (18:15):
Like, as long as you're creating a safe space for
them to be able to come to you, that's all.
Speaker 6 (18:20):
You can do, and also bringing up certain topics like
sexual safety I think is really important. That's one of
my tips for just generally learning how to talk in
the bedroom is that you can have those discussions first,
and if it's your parents who's teaching you, you know,
about sexual safety, it will probably come a lot more
naturally to you.
Speaker 10 (18:40):
And it can be as subtle as like leaving some
condoms in the bathroom and being like, I don't know,
I don't have CIS, but like, you know, I would assume,
like if it was my experience, I would like it
to be, particularly as a teenager, like your body's going
through an stranges and you don't know what.
Speaker 7 (19:01):
The fuck is going on.
Speaker 10 (19:03):
Talking about that stuff can be a but weird again
because your friends, but they'll be talking to their friends.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Right right exactly, So how would you tell people how
to identify your own desires? Like how would you tell
somebody who doesn't who's starting to learn about themselves, or
maybe they're an adult and they're they've been afraid, you know,
all this time to experiment or or to even I
(19:28):
can literally hear people in my head saying how do
I how do I figure out my desires?
Speaker 10 (19:34):
By playing, How do you figure out what you enjoy?
How do you figure out what hobbies you want to do? Right, Like,
you've got to play around and find out.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Let yourself have the space too.
Speaker 6 (19:44):
I think people want to even let themselves sit and
just think about a sexual fantasy long enough.
Speaker 10 (19:51):
Yeah, And so that's like saying that nicely, right, Like,
make sure your room is nice and warm and like
it's lit the way you like, it's got the music
going that you like, like, set up an experience for
yourself so that your nervous system is relaxed as well,
you know, and so then sit there and you can
even just sit there and think about it.
Speaker 7 (20:09):
You don't have to touch yourself. Then you can touch
yourself with clothes on, and you don't have to go
straight for the genitals. You can touch anywhere on your
body and start to experience pleasure, right, Like, we don't
have to go ham on the genitals.
Speaker 10 (20:20):
It's not always all about that, you know, find out
where your body likes, touch elsewhere and slowly explore, you know,
and like when you do.
Speaker 7 (20:30):
Get down to the genitals, here's lots of loop. Like
I will always say that just you globe.
Speaker 4 (20:37):
I love that what do you think the differences though
between like say someone's needs in someone's wants with your
with you know, within the sex.
Speaker 10 (20:47):
Well, I think if you think of the basic what
we need right as safety, which is emotional and physical.
Speaker 7 (20:53):
So when you're playing by yourself, there's a.
Speaker 10 (20:55):
Lot more safety there. When when you're going to have
sex with someone else or playing with someone else, you
want to be able to like feel safe and trust them.
That's a need versus I want to be in a
gang bang with five men, and well that's a want, right.
Speaker 8 (21:10):
Like.
Speaker 7 (21:13):
Right happen for the want to happen.
Speaker 10 (21:16):
So the five men banging you, you need to feel
safe with all of them, right, You're not going to
let five random I mean there are risk takers. It's
a different conversation, but inherently you're going to want to
trust those people, whether that's whether they are strangers or
new people to your play rotation. But they've done a
sexual health check, right and can show you that they
(21:39):
are negative on all the you know, they don't have anything,
and if they do that, it's like then you can
make a choice.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Right.
Speaker 10 (21:48):
Because HIV is a thing doesn't mean you can't play
with it. You with someone who has HIV. You just
have to plan accordingly, and so then you can feel
safe in that environment because you get to make that
conscious decision. So things like that, like are your basic
needs being met before you go into your wants?
Speaker 4 (22:07):
Your wants?
Speaker 6 (22:09):
Well, but isn't desire a basic need and having desires fulfilled?
I mean we were just talking about how the female
body is built for that, and so I think maybe
having a desire fulfilled is an inherent need.
Speaker 10 (22:21):
Yes, But is the need then having an orgasm or
is it having a gang bang with five people?
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Well, that's what I mean, It depends on what your
desire is.
Speaker 10 (22:30):
The desire then would be getting the orgasm. And I
also don't like getting the orgasm. Let's not chase the
guys pleasure have preasure focused.
Speaker 7 (22:39):
You don't have to have an orgasm to have a
good time.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
I hate the time getting it off or getting off.
Speaker 10 (22:43):
Oh no, it's another thing, right, It's like you've been
programmed to get it off, to get one out, to
rub one out, to whatever it is. It's like there's
a goal at the end, and so if you're not
in that mindset, you're never going to get here. So
it comes back to those basic needs, like let's just
explore the body, let's just go for pleasure, Litten.
Speaker 7 (23:03):
We're not trying to reach your goal.
Speaker 10 (23:05):
We're not trying to end game it here, right, there's
no where you need to be except with yourself.
Speaker 6 (23:12):
But for a lot of people, as far as expressing
or even knowing what your desire is, it would be
the climate, the climax.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
And so that's why I'm saying, we like sit and
think about what happened? What else turns us on?
Speaker 4 (23:26):
Or is it really I kind of get what you're saying, Jesse,
and I and I really get with you, Janice.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Two.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
The end game, you know, for a lot of people
is the orgasm is that because a lot of women
have not experienced it unfortunately totally.
Speaker 10 (23:42):
But the more you pressure it to happen, the less likely,
the more you resist, the more it persists.
Speaker 7 (23:47):
Right, So, like, the more you're like, I want this,
because that's a want.
Speaker 10 (23:51):
At the end of the day, you can still feel
a ton of pleasure without having an orgasm.
Speaker 4 (23:55):
Yeah, and there is more.
Speaker 7 (23:57):
Than just one time.
Speaker 10 (23:57):
Well, like the orgasms are the same, but there's yeah.
Speaker 7 (24:01):
Right, so.
Speaker 10 (24:05):
Yeah, but if you're chasing something, you know when you
chase something and it just doesn't happen and more that's crated. Yes,
it's the same with orgaism. I've been there fun too
many times. I've been like, I just want to rub
one out and I can use a toy, I can
use my hand, I can use whatever, and still nothing.
Speaker 7 (24:24):
Do you know, I even a womanizer sometimes.
Speaker 4 (24:27):
Before before a new partner or even with a current partner.
Sometimes if I know that my head just really may
not be completely in the game, what I will do
is go and have an orgasm all by myself before.
Speaker 7 (24:44):
And that's all fine.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
The rest of me can enjoy it. And then what
happens is I've already got that that end game kind
of so to speak, out of the way that it
actually leads to many and multiple and different ways and
feeling pleasure in ways that I'm not thinking about because
I've taken out the destination and just capture.
Speaker 10 (25:10):
Right, You've taken off the figreative and literal pressia of
having an amason, right, and now you can just enjoy
the experience with your partner.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Being in the moment.
Speaker 9 (25:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (25:22):
And also I feel like if you're more in the moment,
the organism is better as well.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
It also can take you by surprise at times and
it's really interest. So I love that we're talking about
how you know, we can identify what makes us feel pleasure,
you know, what our needs and wants may be. But
when we get down to it, how do you think,
Janice or Jesse, both of you, what do you think
(25:55):
is the best way that we can start to script
ways of communicating to our partners without some people are
going to be afraid to talk about this. I'd like
to maybe give some suggestions on ways that we can
open up the conversation with our partners without feeling like
we're going to be like complex, looking like we're pointing
(26:18):
a finger saying you're not getting me there. We don't
want that. We want to say, hey, this is a
safe place to say I may have needs and wants
and desires that you have needs, wants and desires. How
can we communicate that?
Speaker 10 (26:31):
Can I recommend like a couple of things. Yes, One
of them is don't have those conversations in the bedroom
when you're about to have Sex's great, have a set
time to sit down and have a conversation about and
it could be just prior to right but don't have
it as you're about to do the deed and then
be like, you don't do this, I want that blah
blah blah, because then it's just game over, right, right,
(26:54):
So sit down at another time and have a conversation openly. Again,
You've got to have trust right to have these conversations
and be like, hey, I really like that, and start
with a compliment sandwarud like I really like this, this
and this, I would like to try this or blah
blah blah, and then you know, more compliments and also
talk to them and be like, is it okay to
(27:15):
give suggestion whilst we are in the middle of having sex,
right to help because you know, we are sensitive. We
beans everything feels different, all genitalia that does. That's not
just embodied humans that have evolvers.
Speaker 7 (27:32):
That is.
Speaker 10 (27:32):
All genitalia are different and want different things. So let's
express with can you go faster? Can you go slower?
Could you try?
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Like that?
Speaker 7 (27:42):
A little bit more pressure like, but having those and
not being a oh you're doing it wrong, just a
can you please?
Speaker 6 (27:48):
Well you can make it sexy, and these talks can
be a big part of you know, for a play
in between the encounters. And that's why to writing after
what you said, you seen like text messages, because it's
not just about communicating your needs and making sure that
your partner's not offended. It's also about knowing how to
(28:10):
use your voice in a sexy way. And so that's
why I was going to say sexy texting I think
can get people getting more and more comfortable.
Speaker 10 (28:21):
And some people are more like and rather would rather
do that than have the face to face conversation. And
again it's less intimidating because you're not sitting in front
of the person, right, but you've also then communicated in
a way that it's funny, fun and blerty, and also
there's like you can go back and.
Speaker 7 (28:39):
Reference it if you need to.
Speaker 6 (28:41):
Yeah, And they're like it can get the mood pumping.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
There are some really great games too, like card things
that will get you going. But I just was if
you saw me digging around over your like, I have
my backpack, I'm at work, so I'm a I'm at
work because we're we're doing this early and I didn't
have time to go home, so we're doing it here.
(29:06):
So I'm reaching in my backpack because I have.
Speaker 7 (29:09):
These by dice they're the dice.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
And these are really fun because you don't know what
they're going to give you. But you know one has
body parts lips, inner thighs, chest, penus or glitteress, uh, lips,
back face, chest, you know, things like that, and then
there's other one. There's another one, but then this one
(29:33):
tells you what to do suck, lick, stroke, blow on, tickle.
Speaker 10 (29:42):
They could be a fun way to like get started.
Speaker 3 (29:47):
Ye, bring in tools and resources, sorn.
Speaker 4 (29:54):
Fun for you, something you're willing to like, not feel
like you have to, you know, feel uncomfortable about that.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
There's aids bring in, yes, for sure.
Speaker 6 (30:06):
You know, listen to audio erotica on your own and
that's also oh yeah. Discussion communicating your needs is also
like we were saying earlier about knowing them and so
finding what can turn you on when you're by yourself,
it's going to help you get there.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
So now that we've figured out what our actions are
to possibly find our needs and we are thinking about
how to communicate that with our partners and or how
to bring it up or how to bring in like
little fantasies or things and discussing it when we get
down to it. Some people are going to be really
worried about how to handle rejection, sham or awkwardness, and
(30:48):
what would you say about, you know, how how people
can handle that kind of thing, because your partner may
not always be the right partner for you in the
first place, and it might be a that maybe you know.
Speaker 10 (31:02):
Again, I come back to trust, right, You've got to
have the trust that you know that you can talk
to this personal people and not have them shame you.
If they're going to shame you or like whatever, then
they're not the like get no, eck, gross go away.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
If you're feeling shame, that's something else to because.
Speaker 10 (31:21):
Time and you're not going to have fun. You're not
gonna be able to relax enough to actually enjoy it.
And there's a difference between someone saying, hey, that's not
what I'm meant too like to then rather than just shaming.
You know, if you said to your partner, hey, i'd
really like you to rim me, they might be like,
you know what, that's not for me because I don't
(31:42):
want to put my tongue ninny buttoles ever. But let's
figure out how we can incorporate this into play for
you different, right, Rather than being like, oh, you're disgusting.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (31:51):
Yeah, because I was going to ask Christine when you
brought this up earlier, like what exactly are you talking
about as far as shame and rejection goes. I mean,
someone you're having these experiences with relationship make you feel rejected.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Well, you can also be with a partner for a
long time and never really have these kind of discussions,
and you're getting to a point that you are starting
to feel like you need to do something or you're
going to lose the relationship because there's just not a
lot there anymore. And sometimes we need to respice our
life up with our partners.
Speaker 10 (32:26):
And I feel like that would be a reality with
a lot of monogamous long term partners, right, Like, yes,
probably older generations than myself, because again, six was taboo
because we didn't talk about these things, and now that
it's becoming more of an okay topic, we are having
these conversations. But there's a lot of people who don't
run in the same world as us and have these
(32:47):
conversations and are struggling in relationships. And this is why
cheating happens, you know, Like this is why they go
elsewhere because they don't think that they can talk to
their partner. And you've living on the basis of you've
been together for X amount of years and sex has
(33:08):
never been anything other than missionary and we don't talk
about it. So how do you then broach that with
your partner and be like, hey, look, i'd love things
to spice up a little Like it's having those conversations
again in a safe environment that isn't the bedroom before
having sex and making it fun, you know, like you
could tease it out a little bit like with Janice
(33:29):
with the sex, like the sex thing right, like a
little bit of like, let's try this out in fantasy
and see the response. So it feels safer because then
you can test out if it's something that they're going.
Speaker 7 (33:43):
To react well to.
Speaker 6 (33:44):
And it builds your confidence as well, which that is
a big, big, big part about sexual communication as being
just generally confident in yourself with your partner in your body.
If you feel sexy, that will have you know, a
snowball effect, you're feeling really hot in your body, then
you'll be more comfortable talking sexy as as well. You
(34:05):
are as stupid if you already think you're sexy.
Speaker 4 (34:09):
I always get this like vision in my head that
whenever we talk about you know, people trying to explore
different avenues of you know, sexual desires and stuff, and
stepping out of their comfort zone for creating scenarios where
they can learn what they like and don't like. I would,
(34:32):
you know, I always say, you know, with your partner,
you should try to if you're in a lull or
you're in a place that you need to get things
need to be picked back up for a hot ass minute.
You know, people tend to woo people they don't quite
have yet. And I always suggested a couple of times
to people, instead of going on a date together, go
(34:55):
on a date separately together, meaning and to meet at
a local uh, let's say bar or hotel bar.
Speaker 5 (35:06):
And you know, oh my god, hot little role play
action pretai role play, like pretending you're meeting for the
first time.
Speaker 7 (35:14):
Yes, yes, you know, right.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
Send a drink down there, have to idle up, you know,
just start talking, just let it rip, you know, and
then maybe get a room.
Speaker 6 (35:27):
Or Yeah, you're bringing up such good points, like you've
got to be intentional about keeping things hot. Don't wait
until it's completely in the toilet.
Speaker 7 (35:37):
Yeah, otherwise it's a different that's a different ball game.
Speaker 4 (35:42):
Yeah, but that's the fun thing.
Speaker 10 (35:43):
Like spice it up a little like go and flirt
with each other and make and be in like out
like more outdoor areas where you can experience for the
first time again what it felt like to fall in
love or what it felt like to flirt and feel
hot and like or pursuing that will definitely spice it up, right,
(36:04):
and then from there, hopefully it means that you can
have enough trust to say I want to be spanked
a little bit, like can you people that night.
Speaker 7 (36:19):
Once a month? Right, Well, you're completely different people.
Speaker 10 (36:22):
You make as you could be a spy having some
hot launcious.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
You know, get louder, get lauderie, and.
Speaker 7 (36:31):
You yeah, get a live.
Speaker 3 (36:35):
Just get this right.
Speaker 4 (36:38):
It's so easy.
Speaker 10 (36:40):
I have little cards in my drawer so like they're
same like date ones and also like in the bedroom ones,
and you like tack them randomly and flip them up
and it all.
Speaker 7 (36:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 10 (36:51):
I haven't actually gone through all of them, but I
think it's to be honest, which.
Speaker 6 (36:57):
One I was just asking which card was the was
the dirty ass? But also just along these same lines,
say that she doesn't know.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
I don't know.
Speaker 7 (37:06):
I haven't gone through all of them yet.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
No, Okay, what were you seeing, Jennison.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Oh.
Speaker 6 (37:11):
Something that we've all talked about so much various conversations
is BDSM quiz. I don't know about you, Christine, I
am obsessed with it. I have had clients, friends, other
sex coaches talk about how great they think it is.
And I think that taking it and kind of exploring
(37:32):
a little bit what you might be into, and then,
as we've talked about, I think just before if you're
kind of seeing someone who or not even both of
you taking it and then sharing your results, that is
a really fun way.
Speaker 4 (37:47):
Conversation.
Speaker 7 (37:48):
Yeah, there's also like a yes no maybe less similar
to the BDSM test, so you can go through it
separately together and just be like, yes, I'll give this
a go. Might but no, yeah, why not take that.
Speaker 4 (37:59):
Test together separately, come together and compare not and go,
oh you would do that.
Speaker 7 (38:07):
That also another thing, even though, is watch porn together.
Speaker 10 (38:10):
M I'm for it, like totally watch porn together, because
then you can get a vibe of like, oh I
like that, I want to try that, or like it's
not really my thing.
Speaker 4 (38:20):
If you're not well, if you're a woman and you're
not in you don't know what kind of porn you like.
Just there's something you know called the web that you
just put in pr in and you can look, look
and see what you like on your own before you
even come together with your partner and say, oh, I
(38:42):
saw this one, let's watch this one together, or you
know what's your favorite, I'll show you mine, you know.
Speaker 10 (38:49):
And there is a website that is uh directed by
woman and it's like specifically for the female gays, less
male centric porn.
Speaker 7 (38:59):
I think it's belly Setter or something.
Speaker 10 (39:01):
And it's softer, right, it's not as it's more sensual.
It's more like there's there's lots of things in there,
but you're more likely to find, like if you want
a soft start, rather than just going to like, you know,
horn Hub or am I allowed to say?
Speaker 7 (39:16):
I'm like, am I allowed to say?
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (39:17):
Why not? I mean, I'm sponsoring us though I would
love for them to.
Speaker 3 (39:24):
Porn hub?
Speaker 7 (39:25):
Why not?
Speaker 4 (39:27):
But like why money comes from?
Speaker 7 (39:29):
Right?
Speaker 3 (39:31):
Why not?
Speaker 7 (39:34):
Again?
Speaker 10 (39:35):
It's going and having a look and finding the stuff
and no, continue, No, I.
Speaker 4 (39:41):
Was gonna say what you were saying. Jesse I just
wanted to say some of the things that women want
to see is more romantic, more.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
Like story based.
Speaker 4 (39:53):
They want their men to emanate that kind of thing.
So if that's what you're looking for, not so much
the actual acts, but the actual romantics.
Speaker 3 (40:02):
Besides, that's why the romance novels are so big among.
Speaker 10 (40:05):
Oh my god, the more women are more like generally,
men are more visual when it comes to their porn
habits and women are more like audio or reading.
Speaker 7 (40:16):
I listen to all of my smart because it's what do.
Speaker 3 (40:20):
You what do you listen to?
Speaker 7 (40:22):
Oh?
Speaker 10 (40:23):
My stuff at the moment. And these have a good
storyline as well, though, do you know what I mean?
Like has to have something going on, It not all
be about the sex. I just finished a series that
I'm waiting for the next book to come out. It's
not coming out until like next year, which makes me sad.
It's and it's like Bonded by Thorns as the theory
the series, and it's like fantasy based. The first book
(40:44):
is very like Beauty and the Beast esc elements taken
from it.
Speaker 7 (40:49):
So faye, give me, give me smut in the like
in the fay Realm.
Speaker 10 (40:55):
I'm here for it, Like I love that, you know,
and a child is happy, my adult happy.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
Very cool.
Speaker 6 (41:03):
But yeah, but so you're saying, like feed your own
your own desire, like lean in, how can you possibly
expect someone else? So if you're not giving it to yourself.
Speaker 4 (41:13):
I do want to touch on one thing before it
we run out of time. Rewriting your sexual narrative after
past relationship baggage. How would you suggest some people help
rewrite if they've gotten some bad history with relationships or
sexual issues.
Speaker 7 (41:35):
Therapy?
Speaker 10 (41:37):
Yeah, Like, I honestly like if you've been in a
really bad situation and I'm assure like their spectrum to this, right,
Like there are extreme cases and then there are just bad,
shitty relationships where you weren't getting what you needed, weren't
taken care of whatever, But it's not extreme. But therapy
is fantastic doing the work talk to go and see
(42:01):
if it's not that end, go and see a sex coach.
That's what they're there, that's what we're here for, right,
We're here to help you through what some of the
stuff that you've gone through, to rewrite the narrative, to
redefine and so you can take the sex back for you,
and we're not perfect either. We've gone through these things too.
I constantly am rewriting my past experiences when I realize
(42:24):
they come up, when I'm like, oh, that's I don't
like saying triggering activating right like that reminds me of
this and I don't feel like I'm being respected or
this makes me feel this way. But it's being able
to do the internal reflection, talking about it with a
professional and also talking about it with your partner and
being like, hey, look, because no one's perfect, right, and
(42:47):
being like, look, I noticed that this thing's coming up,
and I know that it's not you because initially people
also then think it's them, right, Like, it's not you,
it's I'm dealing with this and I want you to
be aware of this might happen to me.
Speaker 4 (43:01):
Do you help people Jesse in that capacity like you
do you help buy them in that Yeah? Yeah, Okay,
let's make sure that we get your information out there.
Do you mind saying how people can reach you?
Speaker 10 (43:14):
At the moment, it's just on Instagram, it's Jesse Marie
co I saw it just as my name is spelled
on the screen rolling past.
Speaker 4 (43:23):
I'm gonna say for those who are just listening for
ig to reach jesse Marie, to be able to talk
to her with any kind of issues you may have
and may need some guidance. It's a Jesse Marie co
It's j E S S I E M A r
ee coo. So please check her out. Go there. I
(43:46):
think that what's really important is that communication is key
for a hot, healthy and satisfying sex life, and it's
very important. We're adults. Let's just fucking talk about Ryan.
Speaker 6 (44:00):
If you are inside relationship, just make it part of
your general communication.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Partner sexy text every day? Yes?
Speaker 6 (44:11):
Please also selfie?
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Do selfie?
Speaker 4 (44:17):
Why not? If you're comfortable created Yes, well it's your partner,
you know. You know, if it's some fucking stranger you
just meant off the internet, maybe not send them that,
but you know.
Speaker 6 (44:29):
You deserve to be spoiled and stimulated as well.
Speaker 4 (44:33):
Yes, don't just let women walk around looking on fute
all day for your man to see you be cute.
You know they're I mean, you're not wrong.
Speaker 7 (44:44):
I'm not wrong.
Speaker 4 (44:45):
I'm not wrong. Listen, if we're gonna sit home and
sit in our sweats and not put on makeup and
not do our hair and be sad and depressed all
fucking day. We need help. There are a lot of
women out there you need help, and I'll tell you why.
Because you're going to be sad if your relationship breaks
down because you are sad and your your partner needs
more stimulation. And it's vice versa, if it's the opposite, right,
(45:10):
and we can't be sitting at home going oh, I
feel sad when our spouses are our partners are out
in the world seeing people be having joy and being
cute and sexy all day. I'm not saying that they're
going to do something. I'm saying let's do something ourselves
so that we don't worry about it.
Speaker 10 (45:29):
You know, and do it for you as well firstly, right, Like,
if you're sitting on the couch being a sad sack,
the worst thing you do is perpetrate it. More to
dress up for yourself and that confidence will go through.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
Right right, I have a great quote for today. I
decided to do a quote of the episode. Your needs
are not too much. You just need the right language
and the right partner to hear them.
Speaker 3 (45:58):
Love it, Christine, Yeah, did you like that?
Speaker 4 (46:02):
I thought that was good.
Speaker 7 (46:05):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
Let's post it. Yeah that was that was great.
Speaker 4 (46:09):
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, this is a great topic. I mean,
I I I know that in my past relationships, I
had trouble talking about it because I had my own
personal hang ups for sexuality because I come from abuse.
I have a history of abuse sexually growing up. So
for me, it was very hard to talk about it.
(46:31):
And you know, as I got you know, help with therapy,
you know, things started to change in and realize that
it wasn't you know, things weren't really my fault, and
that I shouldn't blame myself for some things that happened.
But then it's my responsibility to understand that I need
to take responsibility and fix it. Because even though somebody
(46:53):
did something to me, I don't have to sit around
and work and go someone hurt me. I'm going to
move on and work on me. And as I work
on me, as y'all can see with this show, this
is what we're here to talk about. Here to help
people in the world be able to have a more healthier,
(47:13):
happier sex life, more happier healthy personal life. You know,
loving and growing within yourself. I think it is the
most important thing and it has changed the dynamics of
my relationships and I want to help people do that.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
Yeah, and Jesse, you're just so great, And everybody knows
how I feel about.
Speaker 3 (47:37):
Jane's everyone knows how I feel about both of you.
The world.
Speaker 4 (47:44):
We just have a love fest here. But yeah, you know,
if anybody has any questions, they have suggest you know,
want suggestions, or need help with any of that thing,
any of those things, you know, you are welcome to
contact show. It's it's very easy, fifty shades of bullshit
at gmail dot com, but it's h s hyt because
(48:07):
Gmail is stupid. And then there's Janie who can also
help you with any sexual.
Speaker 3 (48:13):
Need and SX and don't forget that's right six.
Speaker 4 (48:18):
And the solo girl, and then we all know Jesse's information.
If you need any further information for her, you are
welcome to reach out to me and I will guide
you towards her. Jesse, You're amazing, and the more I
have you on the show, the better we there's lots
of sexual type shows. I do want to talk about
communication and different things, so you're always welcome.
Speaker 7 (48:41):
Yeah, I love do it.
Speaker 4 (48:43):
Well. We are out of time, and I want to
thank everybody for coming today. If you were listening and
you were live with us, it's on Thursday and you
didn't see that. We addressed your answers because I have
to sup. Sorry, what's a while? I don't I don't
say it at the beginning anymore because you know, my engineer,
(49:05):
Rebel was like, no, so get at the end. I
am back live next week, though, so please come back,
and until then we're same time, same place, and just
keep it real in the meantime, Yay, bye bye.
Speaker 8 (49:20):
If you enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends,
like and follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades of
Underscore Bullshit and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Speaker 4 (49:35):
Thanks so much for listening, and we really hope to
see you again next week
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
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any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry you should be
(00:21):
directed to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hey everyone, and welcome to Fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating. Now let's begin.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Hey everyone, I'm Christine and I'm Janis and.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
This is fifty Shades of Bullshit. Hey, Jennis, thanks for
joining me again today. I appreciate you always being here
for me.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
I'm always down for some spicy girl talk.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
I love it. Well today, as you all, we'll see again.
Jada is not here, and we don't know where Jada is.
She's kind of disappeared off.
Speaker 5 (01:08):
The shall we say, yeah, it's kind of sad that,
you know, we've got a dating coach slash matchmaker and
she's exhibiting avoidant behavior.
Speaker 6 (01:19):
Anyway, Well, I'm happy to step in. I do agree
that that is very unfortunate.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
But it is frustrating because we are very good friends,
or at least I thought we were very good friends,
and it's not going so well right now. So we are.
Speaker 6 (01:33):
We are good friends, and I know that we're good friends.
I'm meet here to help, but yeah, you definitely deserve
the best and our wonderful person and an understanding person
and yeah, no, no need for all of this.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Well, thank you, but I miss Chida. I wish that,
you know, she would return my calls. But that's okay.
We will move on. So I have incredible people supporting
you know. You and Steve really have stepped up and
helped me with co hosting and our incredible guests which
we have every week, which today we are bringing back
(02:10):
Jesse Marie, and I am very excited because since she
was last on the show a long time ago, way
too long ago. I knew what episode it was a
hot minute ago, but now I don't remember, and at
some point I'll remember and bring it up.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
So y'all, something kinky, something kinky.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
I am definitely was kinky.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
Well, you know what, Christine.
Speaker 6 (02:32):
The actual episode that she was on was I believe
your one hundredth episode anniversary where we talked about the
person with the belly button fen kink Ae hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
She was with us on our one hundredth episode that
was eighty five episodes ago.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
Her first time on the show was episode fifty six
and it was titled Pink one oh one.
Speaker 6 (02:58):
I love it, and I want to brag because I
actually introduced Jesse to the show because she's a close
friend of mine.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
I know, I love it. Any close friend of Jonas
is a close fer her mind, because I love you.
So we're excited to bring on Jesse. Let's bring Jesse in.
Jesse is going to talk to us today about how
to communicate our sexual needs with our partner.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Hello Jess, Hello, back.
Speaker 7 (03:30):
Button finish.
Speaker 6 (03:32):
That seems like it was just a short while ago,
but you're ago two years ago?
Speaker 7 (03:38):
Yeah, ago?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
I got another email from that same person about the
belly button, asking me about pregnancy and babies, and I
guess him and his girlfriend of fiance are having a
baby now, So that belly button futish is going to
become real big Yeah, I say.
Speaker 6 (04:02):
That bell the button is going to be transforming, right.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
I hope they're listening today because we loved your email.
Speaker 6 (04:14):
I actually I have a photo colage in my dining
room with pictures of my friends, and actually have a
picture of that episode, like a screenshot that I took
on the collage. I'll send it to both of you.
Speaker 4 (04:27):
I mean I'll post it on the okay.
Speaker 6 (04:29):
Yeah, because there's like ten of us on there celebrating
with you while you were reading an email and everybody's laughing,
and I got this really cute shot of everybody cracking up.
Speaker 4 (04:38):
And we were drinking and every single time a certain
word was said.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
Taking something like that again, like a happy hour or
something like a summer party with a bunch of your
closest guest friends.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
Well, we're in episode one eighty five, so we're damn
close to two hundred. So I'm gonna do the same
thing episode two hundred. I'm gonna have all y'all back again.
We'll just like have fun and do.
Speaker 6 (05:08):
It all if she wants to be back.
Speaker 4 (05:15):
Now she is avoiding me, so I guess I'm scary news.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
I mean, like I told you, I wouldn't want to
be on your pad.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
Well, you know this is the thing. I will do
anything almost for anybody. I am very fiercely loyal. I'm
extremely protective. And let's see if I can change my
coloring here, because my coloring is shit. I'm just gonna
filter party. So yeah, here, we we got a party
(05:46):
party going.
Speaker 6 (05:50):
You are such an extrovert, Like as soon as you
started talking, all your energy came back.
Speaker 8 (05:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
I've been working like fifteen plus hours a day for
the last two or three weeks. I got another week
of it, and in the middle of that, I've got
to fly to Minneapolis to help my other friend with
her catering jobs. And it's it's a little overwhelming right now.
I'm burning in at both ends and the candle is
like almost touch it. I'm about to burn out. I
(06:18):
can feel the wall. I'm a real close. But I
got to hold off another week and then I'll be fine.
But what were we talking about?
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (06:29):
Oh yeah, you know I will protect anybody, and especially
if I love you. If you're an underdog, I'm the
first to stand up. Like yesterday, we were at an
event and I made a comment about how sad I
was that it was gay Pride parade here in West
Hollywood this weekend, and I typically love to go to
(06:49):
that one with my my my brother from another mother, Dean,
who I love so much, and all my friends would
be there, and I love to go on the June
one beginning of June, and I made a comment that
I was sad that I missed it, and somebody else
in the room in the kitchen actually made it, said
(07:10):
something about oh, like made a funky sound and said
I don't care, or made some dumb ass comment, and
I whirled around and I was like, Okay, I'm pre
warning anybody who said that that I'm about to come
bust some ass. To anybody who says that they don't
(07:31):
care about gay Pride, I said, because mama is about
to fuck some people. They were like, oh no, oh no,
that was to something else. That was not to you.
Cover nice real ass, but I will also protect it.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
This is true, this is very true about you.
Speaker 4 (07:54):
Yeah, we just don't want to cross me. I've become
hardcore old age. I understand why old people get all crotchety.
Speaker 6 (08:04):
I don't know if i'd say your crotchety because you're protective.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
Yes, yes, yes, very attentive too as a friend.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Oh thank you, I appreciate that. Well, today we're actually
going to talk about how do you actually tell your
partner what you want in bed? I think this is
a really important subject come without it getting too awkward
or being dismissed or being ignored. I think that having
that fine line is really important to figure out. And
(08:35):
that's why we are here to help. We are wanting
to unpack the fears, blocks, and shame that often surrounds
sexual communication and give you some real actionable tools, hopefully
today having better communication and better sex, because I think
everybody should have extraordinary sex, you.
Speaker 9 (08:56):
Know, yes, oh yes, I know that a lot of
problems tend to stem from religious beliefs or religious affiliate affiliations.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
But let's talk some real ship for a second. If
we believe in God, Okay, let's just say, if we do,
and we're talking about sexual health, or sexual communication or
sex in the bedroom, my kitchen, bathroom.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
Outside wherever.
Speaker 4 (09:27):
Just think about it as this, we are giving very
specific types of bodies that were meant to have sexual
If we weren't given sexual pleasure, then you know, why
are you poo pooing it. I say to people all
the time, I say, hey, you were given sexual pleasure.
Why wouldn't you enjoy what you were given? You were
given something that was to bring you joy, so why
(09:50):
not enjoy it? And I don't know why people get
a hung up? What's your experience, Jesse when you work
with people?
Speaker 10 (09:58):
I think that's a little bit of religion does come
in with that, right is we are if you want
to say set fembodied humans are typically seen as breeding
machines and we're not here for pleasure, but we literally
have the clitorists, which is the only purpose of it
(10:19):
is for pleasure. And it is reframing that I don't
work with a lot of highly religious people's I just
don't seem to attract them.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Well. Also, New Zealand is not the most religious place.
Speaker 7 (10:34):
No we're not.
Speaker 10 (10:35):
We're very like chill here in terms of like, no
one's a hardcore anything you'd get chopped down. We have
top coffee syndrome. Right the minute you stand out, someone's
gonna cut you down. We do have like our current
government is a Christian and reflect views of your current
(10:56):
leader a little bit, just not as extreme, you know,
right now, like a little bit of choice right now.
But we uh, you know, we're designed for pleasure female
bodies not not not that male bodies aren't either, but
we have an organ that is literally designed purely no
(11:18):
other purpose.
Speaker 6 (11:21):
And it's ours and so therefore our clip we got
to take responsibility for. Yeah, that our clip responsibility for We.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
Make a little jingle, jingle for the dingle. What are
we gonna do? Yeah, I agree with you, Jessie. You
know we I grew up in a religious community or family,
(11:53):
and they did all the terrible things wrong. But you
know sex was taboo.
Speaker 10 (12:00):
Well, it's like both of you, right, grew up in
quite heavily religious backgrounds, like I didn't. I grew up
in a family where my mom tried to go to
church a couple of times with us and it just
didn't stick. I am very spiritual, I don't like I don't.
Speaker 7 (12:17):
I'm not a religious.
Speaker 10 (12:18):
If I believe in God, it's definitely not a man
in the sky.
Speaker 7 (12:22):
I'm a man controlling the world.
Speaker 10 (12:26):
But it's very different, right, Like we my mom and
I had a very it wasn't it was a taboo,
but it wasn't taboo, right, Like we don't speak about it,
but we don't get shamed for it either. Well I
didn't personally. I can't speak for everyone here. You know
who my mom thinks I lost my virginity virginity too,
(12:46):
and who I actually did two different people you.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Know, and a private information. Parents don't need to know
those things.
Speaker 10 (12:56):
Again, it was a shamy thing. It was like, aren't
you glad you didn't sleep with this person? And when
we had slept with this.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
Person, that's terrible.
Speaker 10 (13:04):
Yeah, I have since told her, like it was a
secret for a long time, but I have since told her.
Speaker 7 (13:09):
As I got older, I was like, by the way, can.
Speaker 4 (13:13):
We not say this?
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Uh?
Speaker 10 (13:19):
Yeah, but like here, I don't know, we're a little
we're also very taboo though, like you know, people don't
talk about sex or it's not a very boring.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Well except that you were heavily in the thing, and
I am.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
Yeah, which I mean it's not small, not too small.
Speaker 10 (13:39):
It's also full of fucking drama at the moment, and
I just cannot be bothered.
Speaker 4 (13:45):
I feel you. I think it's so difficult for people
to talk about sex besides religion. You know, why do
you think that in a normal day and age as
grown as adults that we struggle so hard.
Speaker 10 (13:58):
I think unfortunately it comes with the territory of having
moved from like a tribe state mindset, where like if
you look at like overseas and tribes and stuff, it's
not taboo. They're doing the things. But when religion came
in and trying to control people came in, that came
from the shaming and the you know, all of that
(14:20):
sort of messaging around sex is.
Speaker 7 (14:23):
Just for reproduction.
Speaker 10 (14:25):
Sex is just for this, And we don't talk about
it because how how dare you well?
Speaker 6 (14:29):
And we're brought up to not talk about it, Like,
at what point are we supposed to be starting to
talk about it. We're raised to not really discuss and
so when were we supposed to.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Start talking about it? Yeah, and that's how we're supposed
to learn.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
I've been reading.
Speaker 10 (14:47):
I just finished a book called Sizzling Sex for Life,
and he speaks about like education and stuff all the
way through from kids.
Speaker 7 (14:54):
We touch ourselves, We touch ourselves in the womb.
Speaker 10 (14:57):
You know.
Speaker 4 (14:58):
This is the thing though, when we start to Okay,
let me, let me redefine this, because my brain is
going a mile an hour.
Speaker 11 (15:09):
But yeah, I meant, yeah, I don't flow and fast,
and it's like brain.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
So here's the thing. I started trying to talk to
my kids, my two, my three daughters about sex and
their teens. I tried to sit down and talk to
them about it and say, hey, you know, there's nothing
wrong with you know, self pleasure. You got to know
about self pleasure to know before somebody else can pleasure you,
and blah blah blah. No one, No one wanted to
talk to me. They shut me down. Hush hush, no, mom,
(15:49):
I don't want to hear it. And you know, we're
trying to tell our kids. You don't want to tell
them too young to get them like all crazy and weird.
Speaker 10 (15:56):
But though that's a misconception though, because you see, in
doing that, you've now made them crazy and weird about
it when you want to talk to them about those
teens because if you start talking about it at a
young age, like I don't know, kids start touching themselves
at like what six seven I think and can do right,
and it's like it's like okay, cool, just go to
that in your bedroom, you know, and like it's keeping
(16:18):
it age appropriate education so that when you come out
to them at like sixteen or whatever. As a teenager,
they've already got an understanding of it, and you can
be like, it's okay, it's normal. But if you've shushed
them until that point, say unintentionally, because you don't seem
like someone that would do that intentionally, right, Like, unintentionally
it's not been a topic that's come up until now,
(16:39):
going to be weird because they've already got it from
their friends in school and other messaging around being like
this is weird. Don't talk about it, it's bad, it's taboo. Like,
Whereas if you can like just openly talk about it
obviously age appropriately, Like you're not going to tell a
five year old how to go self pleasure themselves. That's disgusting.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
I talk about your sex life, you're.
Speaker 7 (17:00):
Gonna talk about yourself.
Speaker 10 (17:01):
But I'm negative about like if they are touching themselves
out in the like I have a friend who did that.
Her daughter was starting to touch your stuff around five,
I think, and in lounge and stuff, and.
Speaker 7 (17:12):
She'd be like, look, babe, you can go do that.
Speaker 10 (17:14):
Just go do it in your bedroom, right and wasn't
didn't tell her off, wasn't like you were bad.
Speaker 7 (17:19):
That's don't do that that's disgusting. Blah blah blah. It
was just very much just go and do it in
your bedroom. That's so interesting. It's not a public thing.
It's a private thing.
Speaker 4 (17:26):
I don't think any of my kids I ever found
or thought or experienced anything like that. I think that
you know, as they were getting older, you know, as
they started to like like boys or show interest in dating,
you know, I would say, you know, sex is not
a bad thing. You know, touching yourself is not a
bad thing, you know, self pleasure, whatever. But they don't
(17:49):
want to hear it.
Speaker 10 (17:50):
From going through that place where they're like, ooh, mom,
don't talk to me about that. Oh gross, because like
talking to their mom about sex.
Speaker 7 (17:58):
But it'll float people, right.
Speaker 10 (18:00):
Some people love it and not everyone's the same, And
at some point the flip and they want to come
to you. But as long as you keep being a
safe space for them to be able to have that
flip right and be like, oh mom, I'm dealing with this.
Speaker 7 (18:12):
You know, all this boy wants to do this or
the girl wants to do that.
Speaker 10 (18:15):
Like, as long as you're creating a safe space for
them to be able to come to you, that's all.
Speaker 6 (18:20):
You can do, and also bringing up certain topics like
sexual safety I think is really important. That's one of
my tips for just generally learning how to talk in
the bedroom is that you can have those discussions first,
and if it's your parents who's teaching you, you know,
about sexual safety, it will probably come a lot more
naturally to you.
Speaker 10 (18:40):
And it can be as subtle as like leaving some
condoms in the bathroom and being like, I don't know,
I don't have CIS, but like, you know, I would assume,
like if it was my experience, I would like it
to be, particularly as a teenager, like your body's going
through an stranges and you don't know what.
Speaker 7 (19:01):
The fuck is going on.
Speaker 10 (19:03):
Talking about that stuff can be a but weird again
because your friends, but they'll be talking to their friends.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
Right right exactly, So how would you tell people how
to identify your own desires? Like how would you tell
somebody who doesn't who's starting to learn about themselves, or
maybe they're an adult and they're they've been afraid, you know,
all this time to experiment or or to even I
(19:28):
can literally hear people in my head saying how do
I how do I figure out my desires?
Speaker 10 (19:34):
By playing, How do you figure out what you enjoy?
How do you figure out what hobbies you want to do? Right, Like,
you've got to play around and find out.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Let yourself have the space too.
Speaker 6 (19:44):
I think people want to even let themselves sit and
just think about a sexual fantasy long enough.
Speaker 10 (19:51):
Yeah, And so that's like saying that nicely, right, Like,
make sure your room is nice and warm and like
it's lit the way you like, it's got the music
going that you like, like, set up an experience for
yourself so that your nervous system is relaxed as well,
you know, and so then sit there and you can
even just sit there and think about it.
Speaker 7 (20:09):
You don't have to touch yourself. Then you can touch
yourself with clothes on, and you don't have to go
straight for the genitals. You can touch anywhere on your
body and start to experience pleasure, right, Like, we don't
have to go ham on the genitals.
Speaker 10 (20:20):
It's not always all about that, you know, find out
where your body likes, touch elsewhere and slowly explore, you know,
and like when you do.
Speaker 7 (20:30):
Get down to the genitals, here's lots of loop. Like
I will always say that just you globe.
Speaker 4 (20:37):
I love that what do you think the differences though
between like say someone's needs in someone's wants with your
with you know, within the sex.
Speaker 10 (20:47):
Well, I think if you think of the basic what
we need right as safety, which is emotional and physical.
Speaker 7 (20:53):
So when you're playing by yourself, there's a.
Speaker 10 (20:55):
Lot more safety there. When when you're going to have
sex with someone else or playing with someone else, you
want to be able to like feel safe and trust them.
That's a need versus I want to be in a
gang bang with five men, and well that's a want, right.
Speaker 8 (21:10):
Like.
Speaker 7 (21:13):
Right happen for the want to happen.
Speaker 10 (21:16):
So the five men banging you, you need to feel
safe with all of them, right, You're not going to
let five random I mean there are risk takers. It's
a different conversation, but inherently you're going to want to
trust those people, whether that's whether they are strangers or
new people to your play rotation. But they've done a
sexual health check, right and can show you that they
(21:39):
are negative on all the you know, they don't have anything,
and if they do that, it's like then you can
make a choice.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Right.
Speaker 10 (21:48):
Because HIV is a thing doesn't mean you can't play
with it. You with someone who has HIV. You just
have to plan accordingly, and so then you can feel
safe in that environment because you get to make that
conscious decision. So things like that, like are your basic
needs being met before you go into your wants?
Speaker 4 (22:07):
Your wants?
Speaker 6 (22:09):
Well, but isn't desire a basic need and having desires fulfilled?
I mean we were just talking about how the female
body is built for that, and so I think maybe
having a desire fulfilled is an inherent need.
Speaker 10 (22:21):
Yes, But is the need then having an orgasm or
is it having a gang bang with five people?
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Well, that's what I mean, It depends on what your
desire is.
Speaker 10 (22:30):
The desire then would be getting the orgasm. And I
also don't like getting the orgasm. Let's not chase the
guys pleasure have preasure focused.
Speaker 7 (22:39):
You don't have to have an orgasm to have a
good time.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
I hate the time getting it off or getting off.
Speaker 10 (22:43):
Oh no, it's another thing, right, It's like you've been
programmed to get it off, to get one out, to
rub one out, to whatever it is. It's like there's
a goal at the end, and so if you're not
in that mindset, you're never going to get here. So
it comes back to those basic needs, like let's just
explore the body, let's just go for pleasure, Litten.
Speaker 7 (23:03):
We're not trying to reach your goal.
Speaker 10 (23:05):
We're not trying to end game it here, right, there's
no where you need to be except with yourself.
Speaker 6 (23:12):
But for a lot of people, as far as expressing
or even knowing what your desire is, it would be
the climate, the climax.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
And so that's why I'm saying, we like sit and
think about what happened? What else turns us on?
Speaker 4 (23:26):
Or is it really I kind of get what you're saying, Jesse,
and I and I really get with you, Janice.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Two.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
The end game, you know, for a lot of people
is the orgasm is that because a lot of women
have not experienced it unfortunately totally.
Speaker 10 (23:42):
But the more you pressure it to happen, the less likely,
the more you resist, the more it persists.
Speaker 7 (23:47):
Right, So, like, the more you're like, I want this,
because that's a want.
Speaker 10 (23:51):
At the end of the day, you can still feel
a ton of pleasure without having an orgasm.
Speaker 4 (23:55):
Yeah, and there is more.
Speaker 7 (23:57):
Than just one time.
Speaker 10 (23:57):
Well, like the orgasms are the same, but there's yeah.
Speaker 7 (24:01):
Right, so.
Speaker 10 (24:05):
Yeah, but if you're chasing something, you know when you
chase something and it just doesn't happen and more that's crated. Yes,
it's the same with orgaism. I've been there fun too
many times. I've been like, I just want to rub
one out and I can use a toy, I can
use my hand, I can use whatever, and still nothing.
Speaker 7 (24:24):
Do you know, I even a womanizer sometimes.
Speaker 4 (24:27):
Before before a new partner or even with a current partner.
Sometimes if I know that my head just really may
not be completely in the game, what I will do
is go and have an orgasm all by myself before.
Speaker 7 (24:44):
And that's all fine.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
The rest of me can enjoy it. And then what
happens is I've already got that that end game kind
of so to speak, out of the way that it
actually leads to many and multiple and different ways and
feeling pleasure in ways that I'm not thinking about because
I've taken out the destination and just capture.
Speaker 10 (25:10):
Right, You've taken off the figreative and literal pressia of
having an amason, right, and now you can just enjoy
the experience with your partner.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Being in the moment.
Speaker 9 (25:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (25:22):
And also I feel like if you're more in the moment,
the organism is better as well.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
It also can take you by surprise at times and
it's really interest. So I love that we're talking about
how you know, we can identify what makes us feel pleasure,
you know, what our needs and wants may be. But
when we get down to it, how do you think,
Janice or Jesse, both of you, what do you think
(25:55):
is the best way that we can start to script
ways of communicating to our partners without some people are
going to be afraid to talk about this. I'd like
to maybe give some suggestions on ways that we can
open up the conversation with our partners without feeling like
we're going to be like complex, looking like we're pointing
(26:18):
a finger saying you're not getting me there. We don't
want that. We want to say, hey, this is a
safe place to say I may have needs and wants
and desires that you have needs, wants and desires. How
can we communicate that?
Speaker 10 (26:31):
Can I recommend like a couple of things. Yes, One
of them is don't have those conversations in the bedroom
when you're about to have Sex's great, have a set
time to sit down and have a conversation about and
it could be just prior to right but don't have
it as you're about to do the deed and then
be like, you don't do this, I want that blah
blah blah, because then it's just game over, right, right,
(26:54):
So sit down at another time and have a conversation openly. Again,
You've got to have trust right to have these conversations
and be like, hey, I really like that, and start
with a compliment sandwarud like I really like this, this
and this, I would like to try this or blah
blah blah, and then you know, more compliments and also
talk to them and be like, is it okay to
(27:15):
give suggestion whilst we are in the middle of having sex,
right to help because you know, we are sensitive. We
beans everything feels different, all genitalia that does. That's not
just embodied humans that have evolvers.
Speaker 7 (27:32):
That is.
Speaker 10 (27:32):
All genitalia are different and want different things. So let's
express with can you go faster? Can you go slower?
Could you try?
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Like that?
Speaker 7 (27:42):
A little bit more pressure like, but having those and
not being a oh you're doing it wrong, just a
can you please?
Speaker 6 (27:48):
Well you can make it sexy, and these talks can
be a big part of you know, for a play
in between the encounters. And that's why to writing after
what you said, you seen like text messages, because it's
not just about communicating your needs and making sure that
your partner's not offended. It's also about knowing how to
(28:10):
use your voice in a sexy way. And so that's
why I was going to say sexy texting I think
can get people getting more and more comfortable.
Speaker 10 (28:21):
And some people are more like and rather would rather
do that than have the face to face conversation. And
again it's less intimidating because you're not sitting in front
of the person, right, but you've also then communicated in
a way that it's funny, fun and blerty, and also
there's like you can go back and.
Speaker 7 (28:39):
Reference it if you need to.
Speaker 6 (28:41):
Yeah, And they're like it can get the mood pumping.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
There are some really great games too, like card things
that will get you going. But I just was if
you saw me digging around over your like, I have
my backpack, I'm at work, so I'm a I'm at
work because we're we're doing this early and I didn't
have time to go home, so we're doing it here.
(29:06):
So I'm reaching in my backpack because I have.
Speaker 7 (29:09):
These by dice they're the dice.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
And these are really fun because you don't know what
they're going to give you. But you know one has
body parts lips, inner thighs, chest, penus or glitteress, uh, lips,
back face, chest, you know, things like that, and then
there's other one. There's another one, but then this one
(29:33):
tells you what to do suck, lick, stroke, blow on, tickle.
Speaker 10 (29:42):
They could be a fun way to like get started.
Speaker 3 (29:47):
Ye, bring in tools and resources, sorn.
Speaker 4 (29:54):
Fun for you, something you're willing to like, not feel
like you have to, you know, feel uncomfortable about that.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
There's aids bring in, yes, for sure.
Speaker 6 (30:06):
You know, listen to audio erotica on your own and
that's also oh yeah. Discussion communicating your needs is also
like we were saying earlier about knowing them and so
finding what can turn you on when you're by yourself,
it's going to help you get there.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
So now that we've figured out what our actions are
to possibly find our needs and we are thinking about
how to communicate that with our partners and or how
to bring it up or how to bring in like
little fantasies or things and discussing it when we get
down to it. Some people are going to be really
worried about how to handle rejection, sham or awkwardness, and
(30:48):
what would you say about, you know, how how people
can handle that kind of thing, because your partner may
not always be the right partner for you in the
first place, and it might be a that maybe you know.
Speaker 10 (31:02):
Again, I come back to trust, right, You've got to
have the trust that you know that you can talk
to this personal people and not have them shame you.
If they're going to shame you or like whatever, then
they're not the like get no, eck, gross go away.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
If you're feeling shame, that's something else to because.
Speaker 10 (31:21):
Time and you're not going to have fun. You're not
gonna be able to relax enough to actually enjoy it.
And there's a difference between someone saying, hey, that's not
what I'm meant too like to then rather than just shaming.
You know, if you said to your partner, hey, i'd
really like you to rim me, they might be like,
you know what, that's not for me because I don't
(31:42):
want to put my tongue ninny buttoles ever. But let's
figure out how we can incorporate this into play for
you different, right, Rather than being like, oh, you're disgusting.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (31:51):
Yeah, because I was going to ask Christine when you
brought this up earlier, like what exactly are you talking
about as far as shame and rejection goes. I mean,
someone you're having these experiences with relationship make you feel rejected.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Well, you can also be with a partner for a
long time and never really have these kind of discussions,
and you're getting to a point that you are starting
to feel like you need to do something or you're
going to lose the relationship because there's just not a
lot there anymore. And sometimes we need to respice our
life up with our partners.
Speaker 10 (32:26):
And I feel like that would be a reality with
a lot of monogamous long term partners, right, Like, yes,
probably older generations than myself, because again, six was taboo
because we didn't talk about these things, and now that
it's becoming more of an okay topic, we are having
these conversations. But there's a lot of people who don't
run in the same world as us and have these
(32:47):
conversations and are struggling in relationships. And this is why
cheating happens, you know, Like this is why they go
elsewhere because they don't think that they can talk to
their partner. And you've living on the basis of you've
been together for X amount of years and sex has
(33:08):
never been anything other than missionary and we don't talk
about it. So how do you then broach that with
your partner and be like, hey, look, i'd love things
to spice up a little Like it's having those conversations
again in a safe environment that isn't the bedroom before
having sex and making it fun, you know, like you
could tease it out a little bit like with Janice
(33:29):
with the sex, like the sex thing right, like a
little bit of like, let's try this out in fantasy
and see the response. So it feels safer because then
you can test out if it's something that they're going.
Speaker 7 (33:43):
To react well to.
Speaker 6 (33:44):
And it builds your confidence as well, which that is
a big, big, big part about sexual communication as being
just generally confident in yourself with your partner in your body.
If you feel sexy, that will have you know, a
snowball effect, you're feeling really hot in your body, then
you'll be more comfortable talking sexy as as well. You
(34:05):
are as stupid if you already think you're sexy.
Speaker 4 (34:09):
I always get this like vision in my head that
whenever we talk about you know, people trying to explore
different avenues of you know, sexual desires and stuff, and
stepping out of their comfort zone for creating scenarios where
they can learn what they like and don't like. I would,
(34:32):
you know, I always say, you know, with your partner,
you should try to if you're in a lull or
you're in a place that you need to get things
need to be picked back up for a hot ass minute.
You know, people tend to woo people they don't quite
have yet. And I always suggested a couple of times
to people, instead of going on a date together, go
(34:55):
on a date separately together, meaning and to meet at
a local uh, let's say bar or hotel bar.
Speaker 5 (35:06):
And you know, oh my god, hot little role play
action pretai role play, like pretending you're meeting for the
first time.
Speaker 7 (35:14):
Yes, yes, you know, right.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
Send a drink down there, have to idle up, you know,
just start talking, just let it rip, you know, and
then maybe get a room.
Speaker 6 (35:27):
Or Yeah, you're bringing up such good points, like you've
got to be intentional about keeping things hot. Don't wait
until it's completely in the toilet.
Speaker 7 (35:37):
Yeah, otherwise it's a different that's a different ball game.
Speaker 4 (35:42):
Yeah, but that's the fun thing.
Speaker 10 (35:43):
Like spice it up a little like go and flirt
with each other and make and be in like out
like more outdoor areas where you can experience for the
first time again what it felt like to fall in
love or what it felt like to flirt and feel
hot and like or pursuing that will definitely spice it up, right,
(36:04):
and then from there, hopefully it means that you can
have enough trust to say I want to be spanked
a little bit, like can you people that night.
Speaker 7 (36:19):
Once a month? Right, Well, you're completely different people.
Speaker 10 (36:22):
You make as you could be a spy having some
hot launcious.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
You know, get louder, get lauderie, and.
Speaker 7 (36:31):
You yeah, get a live.
Speaker 3 (36:35):
Just get this right.
Speaker 4 (36:38):
It's so easy.
Speaker 10 (36:40):
I have little cards in my drawer so like they're
same like date ones and also like in the bedroom ones,
and you like tack them randomly and flip them up
and it all.
Speaker 7 (36:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 10 (36:51):
I haven't actually gone through all of them, but I
think it's to be honest, which.
Speaker 6 (36:57):
One I was just asking which card was the was
the dirty ass? But also just along these same lines,
say that she doesn't know.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
I don't know.
Speaker 7 (37:06):
I haven't gone through all of them yet.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
No, Okay, what were you seeing, Jennison.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Oh.
Speaker 6 (37:11):
Something that we've all talked about so much various conversations
is BDSM quiz. I don't know about you, Christine, I
am obsessed with it. I have had clients, friends, other
sex coaches talk about how great they think it is.
And I think that taking it and kind of exploring
(37:32):
a little bit what you might be into, and then,
as we've talked about, I think just before if you're
kind of seeing someone who or not even both of
you taking it and then sharing your results, that is
a really fun way.
Speaker 4 (37:47):
Conversation.
Speaker 7 (37:48):
Yeah, there's also like a yes no maybe less similar
to the BDSM test, so you can go through it
separately together and just be like, yes, I'll give this
a go. Might but no, yeah, why not take that.
Speaker 4 (37:59):
Test together separately, come together and compare not and go,
oh you would do that.
Speaker 7 (38:07):
That also another thing, even though, is watch porn together.
Speaker 10 (38:10):
M I'm for it, like totally watch porn together, because
then you can get a vibe of like, oh I
like that, I want to try that, or like it's
not really my thing.
Speaker 4 (38:20):
If you're not well, if you're a woman and you're
not in you don't know what kind of porn you like.
Just there's something you know called the web that you
just put in pr in and you can look, look
and see what you like on your own before you
even come together with your partner and say, oh, I
(38:42):
saw this one, let's watch this one together, or you
know what's your favorite, I'll show you mine, you know.
Speaker 10 (38:49):
And there is a website that is uh directed by
woman and it's like specifically for the female gays, less
male centric porn.
Speaker 7 (38:59):
I think it's belly Setter or something.
Speaker 10 (39:01):
And it's softer, right, it's not as it's more sensual.
It's more like there's there's lots of things in there,
but you're more likely to find, like if you want
a soft start, rather than just going to like, you know,
horn Hub or am I allowed to say?
Speaker 7 (39:16):
I'm like, am I allowed to say?
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (39:17):
Why not? I mean, I'm sponsoring us though I would
love for them to.
Speaker 3 (39:24):
Porn hub?
Speaker 7 (39:25):
Why not?
Speaker 4 (39:27):
But like why money comes from?
Speaker 7 (39:29):
Right?
Speaker 3 (39:31):
Why not?
Speaker 7 (39:34):
Again?
Speaker 10 (39:35):
It's going and having a look and finding the stuff
and no, continue, No, I.
Speaker 4 (39:41):
Was gonna say what you were saying. Jesse I just
wanted to say some of the things that women want
to see is more romantic, more.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
Like story based.
Speaker 4 (39:53):
They want their men to emanate that kind of thing.
So if that's what you're looking for, not so much
the actual acts, but the actual romantics.
Speaker 3 (40:02):
Besides, that's why the romance novels are so big among.
Speaker 10 (40:05):
Oh my god, the more women are more like generally,
men are more visual when it comes to their porn
habits and women are more like audio or reading.
Speaker 7 (40:16):
I listen to all of my smart because it's what do.
Speaker 3 (40:20):
You what do you listen to?
Speaker 7 (40:22):
Oh?
Speaker 10 (40:23):
My stuff at the moment. And these have a good
storyline as well, though, do you know what I mean?
Like has to have something going on, It not all
be about the sex. I just finished a series that
I'm waiting for the next book to come out. It's
not coming out until like next year, which makes me sad.
It's and it's like Bonded by Thorns as the theory
the series, and it's like fantasy based. The first book
(40:44):
is very like Beauty and the Beast esc elements taken
from it.
Speaker 7 (40:49):
So faye, give me, give me smut in the like
in the fay Realm.
Speaker 10 (40:55):
I'm here for it, Like I love that, you know,
and a child is happy, my adult happy.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
Very cool.
Speaker 6 (41:03):
But yeah, but so you're saying, like feed your own
your own desire, like lean in, how can you possibly
expect someone else? So if you're not giving it to yourself.
Speaker 4 (41:13):
I do want to touch on one thing before it
we run out of time. Rewriting your sexual narrative after
past relationship baggage. How would you suggest some people help
rewrite if they've gotten some bad history with relationships or
sexual issues.
Speaker 7 (41:35):
Therapy?
Speaker 10 (41:37):
Yeah, Like, I honestly like if you've been in a
really bad situation and I'm assure like their spectrum to this, right,
Like there are extreme cases and then there are just bad,
shitty relationships where you weren't getting what you needed, weren't
taken care of whatever, But it's not extreme. But therapy
is fantastic doing the work talk to go and see
(42:01):
if it's not that end, go and see a sex coach.
That's what they're there, that's what we're here for, right,
We're here to help you through what some of the
stuff that you've gone through, to rewrite the narrative, to
redefine and so you can take the sex back for you,
and we're not perfect either. We've gone through these things too.
I constantly am rewriting my past experiences when I realize
(42:24):
they come up, when I'm like, oh, that's I don't
like saying triggering activating right like that reminds me of
this and I don't feel like I'm being respected or
this makes me feel this way. But it's being able
to do the internal reflection, talking about it with a
professional and also talking about it with your partner and
being like, hey, look, because no one's perfect, right, and
(42:47):
being like, look, I noticed that this thing's coming up,
and I know that it's not you because initially people
also then think it's them, right, Like, it's not you,
it's I'm dealing with this and I want you to
be aware of this might happen to me.
Speaker 4 (43:01):
Do you help people Jesse in that capacity like you
do you help buy them in that Yeah? Yeah, Okay,
let's make sure that we get your information out there.
Do you mind saying how people can reach you?
Speaker 10 (43:14):
At the moment, it's just on Instagram, it's Jesse Marie
co I saw it just as my name is spelled
on the screen rolling past.
Speaker 4 (43:23):
I'm gonna say for those who are just listening for
ig to reach jesse Marie, to be able to talk
to her with any kind of issues you may have
and may need some guidance. It's a Jesse Marie co
It's j E S S I E M A r
ee coo. So please check her out. Go there. I
(43:46):
think that what's really important is that communication is key
for a hot, healthy and satisfying sex life, and it's
very important. We're adults. Let's just fucking talk about Ryan.
Speaker 6 (44:00):
If you are inside relationship, just make it part of
your general communication.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Partner sexy text every day? Yes?
Speaker 6 (44:11):
Please also selfie?
Speaker 3 (44:13):
Do selfie?
Speaker 4 (44:17):
Why not? If you're comfortable created Yes, well it's your partner,
you know. You know, if it's some fucking stranger you
just meant off the internet, maybe not send them that,
but you know.
Speaker 6 (44:29):
You deserve to be spoiled and stimulated as well.
Speaker 4 (44:33):
Yes, don't just let women walk around looking on fute
all day for your man to see you be cute.
You know they're I mean, you're not wrong.
Speaker 7 (44:44):
I'm not wrong.
Speaker 4 (44:45):
I'm not wrong. Listen, if we're gonna sit home and
sit in our sweats and not put on makeup and
not do our hair and be sad and depressed all
fucking day. We need help. There are a lot of
women out there you need help, and I'll tell you why.
Because you're going to be sad if your relationship breaks
down because you are sad and your your partner needs
more stimulation. And it's vice versa, if it's the opposite, right,
(45:10):
and we can't be sitting at home going oh, I
feel sad when our spouses are our partners are out
in the world seeing people be having joy and being
cute and sexy all day. I'm not saying that they're
going to do something. I'm saying let's do something ourselves
so that we don't worry about it.
Speaker 10 (45:29):
You know, and do it for you as well firstly, right, Like,
if you're sitting on the couch being a sad sack,
the worst thing you do is perpetrate it. More to
dress up for yourself and that confidence will go through.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
Right right, I have a great quote for today. I
decided to do a quote of the episode. Your needs
are not too much. You just need the right language
and the right partner to hear them.
Speaker 3 (45:58):
Love it, Christine, Yeah, did you like that?
Speaker 4 (46:02):
I thought that was good.
Speaker 7 (46:05):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
Let's post it. Yeah that was that was great.
Speaker 4 (46:09):
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, this is a great topic. I mean,
I I I know that in my past relationships, I
had trouble talking about it because I had my own
personal hang ups for sexuality because I come from abuse.
I have a history of abuse sexually growing up. So
for me, it was very hard to talk about it.
(46:31):
And you know, as I got you know, help with therapy,
you know, things started to change in and realize that
it wasn't you know, things weren't really my fault, and
that I shouldn't blame myself for some things that happened.
But then it's my responsibility to understand that I need
to take responsibility and fix it. Because even though somebody
(46:53):
did something to me, I don't have to sit around
and work and go someone hurt me. I'm going to
move on and work on me. And as I work
on me, as y'all can see with this show, this
is what we're here to talk about. Here to help
people in the world be able to have a more healthier,
(47:13):
happier sex life, more happier healthy personal life. You know,
loving and growing within yourself. I think it is the
most important thing and it has changed the dynamics of
my relationships and I want to help people do that.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (47:33):
Yeah, and Jesse, you're just so great, And everybody knows
how I feel about.
Speaker 3 (47:37):
Jane's everyone knows how I feel about both of you.
The world.
Speaker 4 (47:44):
We just have a love fest here. But yeah, you know,
if anybody has any questions, they have suggest you know,
want suggestions, or need help with any of that thing,
any of those things, you know, you are welcome to
contact show. It's it's very easy, fifty shades of bullshit
at gmail dot com, but it's h s hyt because
(48:07):
Gmail is stupid. And then there's Janie who can also
help you with any sexual.
Speaker 3 (48:13):
Need and SX and don't forget that's right six.
Speaker 4 (48:18):
And the solo girl, and then we all know Jesse's information.
If you need any further information for her, you are
welcome to reach out to me and I will guide
you towards her. Jesse, You're amazing, and the more I
have you on the show, the better we there's lots
of sexual type shows. I do want to talk about
communication and different things, so you're always welcome.
Speaker 7 (48:41):
Yeah, I love do it.
Speaker 4 (48:43):
Well. We are out of time, and I want to
thank everybody for coming today. If you were listening and
you were live with us, it's on Thursday and you
didn't see that. We addressed your answers because I have
to sup. Sorry, what's a while? I don't I don't
say it at the beginning anymore because you know, my engineer,
(49:05):
Rebel was like, no, so get at the end. I
am back live next week, though, so please come back,
and until then we're same time, same place, and just
keep it real in the meantime, Yay, bye bye.
Speaker 8 (49:20):
If you enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends,
like and follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades of
Underscore Bullshit and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit.
Speaker 4 (49:35):
Thanks so much for listening, and we really hope to
see you again next week
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