October 9, 2025 • 49 mins
Christine and Janice dive into the world of kink, consent, and control — who’s really in charge when things get steamy? From funny safe words to serious talk about trust, boundaries, and aftercare, this episode of Fifty Shades of Bullshit explores how communication turns power play into real connection. Sexy, smart, and a little twisted — just how we like it.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
Fifty Shades of Bullshit is broadcast live Thursdays at 4PM PT on K4HD Radio - Hollywood Talk Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com). Fifty Shades of Bullshit TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).
Fifty Shades of Bullshit Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Media (www.talk4media.com), Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
their guests, and not those of the Entertainment Network or
any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry you should be
(00:22):
directed to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Hey everyone, and welcome to Fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Now let's begin. Hey everyone, I'm Christine.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
And I'm Janis.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
And this is fifty Shades of Bullshit. Thanks for coming
back again this week.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
Janie, Oh my pleasure. I don't know how many times
have I been on, but it just feels.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Psych ah, thank you. Gonna have to look now, I'm
gonna have to look.
Speaker 5 (01:04):
Well because I was one of your first guests and
then we were and we did operators and it's been.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
It's been an awesome four years, sister, it really has.
We are let me see one, two, three, four, I
don't know, four and a half weeks from being at
four years for the show, which is very and I think.
Speaker 5 (01:33):
That were four and a half years of friendship because
we became friends Thanksgiving weekend, the first year month of
your show.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
Yeah, if you remember.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
That, yeah, I do. I remember calling you because I
wanted to see if you wanted to be on the
show because I saw you on our group thing for
all the you know what what what group dating confession. Yeah,
so I saw you on there and I was like that,
bitch is cool. So I was like, let's call you.
(02:05):
And I remember calling you when you were you were
looking for whiskey to buy for your for your Thanksgiving trip,
and you were telling me all about your solo trip
that you take and I was just like floored, I
think at the time, to think that a woman would
want to go and do this by herself. I was
(02:28):
just like, what up? And now I was like, I'm
never doing that, and then yeah, but here I am, now,
you know, making plans to take off in my life solo.
So I know I do too. It at because of you, bitch.
(02:49):
I just I just cheered.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
And I issue on the show. That would end up
being close friends.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Oh my god, I remember. I remember not long after that,
I was really struggling with I had started kind of
getting to know and started, I guess you could call
dating somebody from our group, and.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
It just got I forgot about that.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
It was going so like sideways, and I thought I
was going crazy because I couldn't imagine that a dating
coach would treat me so disrespectfully and almost gaslight me
and try to turn it around the narrative. I was like,
am I going crazy?
Speaker 4 (03:38):
Well, you said so. But then we got into the clubhouse. Yes, yes,
And I remember you asking.
Speaker 5 (03:45):
Me if I could chat one day, and I thought
that was pretty cool because I.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
Thought you were awesome.
Speaker 5 (03:50):
Thank you said, oh, I've gotten into a relationship with mister.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Yes, yes, yes, what And then.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
You proceeded to tell me what had been going on,
which I do and then I will never forget.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Oh my god. You know what's funny was when I
was getting ready for this show, I was reading through
all my notes and I had put in the notes
what was it? Uh, let me find it really fast?
I yes, thank you, and it said you know, green, yellow,
(04:34):
and red, and I started cracking up because I remember
that he was just acting so mother f and weird
and we were at a family breakfast plates and there
were children everywhere, and I was just talking to him
about the fact that he was acting very bizarre and
(04:55):
that I wasn't, you know, comfortable with how he was
treating me, and he just said, yellow is the safe word,
and then rabbed me, shoved me against a car and
started blatantly sticking his tongue in my mouth, sticking his
hand in my boobs. He was like trying to fill
me up and press me against the stranger's car, and.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
I thought it was your car.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
No, wasn't even my car, and he just was like
acting all fucking weird and then he went all nuts
and it was in front of a bunch of children
and people, and I just can't think. All I could
say was I was like, hell, yellow sound now.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
I was like, oh, oh strange, how does yellow sound?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Oh God, I don't think she'd ever had anybody scream
yellow at him After he said yellow's the safe word.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
I can never imagine someone right.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Right, I'm like, you crazy motherfucker.
Speaker 5 (06:07):
Okay, God, And then there was some other drama that
I don't think we'll talk about right now with our
Clubhouse for Questionable And well.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
You know that also kind of came across my mind
when I was doing a lot of my research about
my notes for this episode, because we did a clubhouse
episode talking about consent and he said some of the
off fuckery and I lost my marbles and publicly I
(06:41):
lost my marbles. Go figure, folks, And I was like, oh,
I can't hold this back because you know, as a
woman talking about consent and a man thinking that he
could speak on the behalf of women pissed me the
fuck off. And he said some really yety things.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
He said that when a man breaks consent or doesn't
ask for consent or breaches trust, that it's also really
important for the man to have someone to hold space.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
For the man as well.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I vomited.
Speaker 5 (07:17):
It was just like not germane so like the rest
of the conversation that we were having, and he was
really like, I need to make sure that we also
talk about what the man needs when he does things,
and you were just not.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
I was like, we're not talking about how a man
feels when a woman says no, when she is expressing
consent or non consent. Asshole, and I went bonkers and
I let him have it. Let's just say I he
(07:53):
did well, this is the thing. Nobody was speaking up,
and I was like, the fuck this is going to
be said and be tolerated, and I spoke up. I
have no problem speaking up.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
But then I actually had the task of in the
club house.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
I wish I could have been part of that. God
damn it, so I did. I've had I've had a
rough week. I've had a rough couple of weeks. Actually, uh,
you know, I just want to say to all the
listeners out there and everybody who calms every week to
(08:35):
talk to us. The last two weeks, I've had to
pre record, and I do not like to pre record.
We try not to do that here at all because
I really love being live and being part of the
conversation with everybody. It's really exciting and I love that.
And unfortunately we had to do that for the last
(08:58):
couple of weeks, and I wasn't able to really just
say that, you know, I lost that job that I
had with that real estate company who fucked me over
big time. I was it was bad. I was being bullied,
it was it was it was a lot more than
the bullying. But that, uh, for some reason, I start
(09:18):
with that every time I think it really affects me. Oh,
Missy said, it was still a good show, thank you.
We tried to put on as solid a vision of
an episode as I can when we have to pre record,
but I did a okay, So everybody knows me by
now here, and if you're new to the show. I
(09:44):
also do filming and I'm doing a documentary you know,
called Darling of the Derby And Diane Crump is my hero.
She is one of the greatest people in my life.
I got a really bad message yesterday that Diane has
a very aggressive brain cancer tumor and she will not
(10:04):
be with us much longer. And she called me this
morning to have a conversation with me. I tried to
record it. I was prepared. I'd gotten this recording device
thing from my phone. Unfortunately it didn't work. But she
told me how much she loved me, and how her
greatest moments in her life was when I'd created those
(10:26):
moments with her and her grandchildren and her daughter for
the filming. And she said that she had learned some
things about her grandchildren and what they knew and thought
about her because of my filming, and it just it
changed her life, and she has changed mine and so
many around her. And so I've had a rough, you know,
(10:48):
a couple of weeks. And I did a Facebook post
yesterday about my struggles and to promote today's show, and
a friend of mine saw it and sent me a message.
And it has a lot to do about the show
and how it ties in with life, and I just
(11:09):
wanted to read it really quick before we got too
into it, before.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
We got kinky.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Yes, he said, I'll start out from the beginning. He says, Hi,
I hope today has been a bit better for you.
I just watched your TikTok video from yesterday, and yes,
your hair did look gorgeous. But more importantly, as you said,
tonight's edition of fifty Shades is about kink, consent and control.
And I thought, how that weirdly paralyzed your life. Life
(11:37):
is a kink new, arousing, adventurous, stimulating, and some days
scary or maybe even a tiny bit dangerous. It's also consent.
You have the right to say yes no, set perimeters,
and build relationships not only with others but yourself. Finally,
life is about control. How you allow yourself to feel, respond,
(12:00):
to establish boundaries, and to take responsibility for your everyday life.
He goes on to say, you know a bunch of
really wonderful things about me, y'all don't have to hear,
but well, he said, you are an amazing woman. I
watched that video and I thought, that is a person
(12:22):
I'd love to sit with and just talk life. She's smart, strong, beautiful, wise,
self aware, and resilient. She knows more and can do
more than any one even believes or her self believes can.
I'm not sending this to you for any reason other
than to encourage you to be smart about your consent
and focus on staying in control. Life is a kink.
(12:45):
It can both hurt and turn you on. Don't be
afraid of the kink.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Oh wow.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
So that was my message from one of my oldest
friends in life. I've known him since high school. So
that was nice. And so let's lead into what we're
doing today. Today is about the world of kink, consent
and control. Who's really in charge when things get steamy?
From fun safe words and serious talk and trust and
(13:14):
boundaries and aftercare, this episode is going to talk about
how communication can turn power play into real connection, sexy, smart,
and a little twisted. So let's talk about kink. Let's
let's define it though. Kink is anything outside of vanilla sex,
(13:35):
from light spanking to full on BDSM that's based on
shared fantasy and curiosity. Do you have anything to add
to that, Jennis.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
That sounds about right.
Speaker 5 (13:44):
I think that anytime we use the word vanilla, that's
also open.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
For yep mm hmmm, yep.
Speaker 5 (13:51):
I guess anything that you that are outside are you
consider to be for them vanilla. In fact, we had
an episode on kink maybe like two years ago with
a mutual friend of ours and we're talking about you know,
what you consider vanilla, what you don't, And one of
my tips for getting kinky is to do to do
(14:14):
butt stuff right, and she said, that's considered k Like
that's what I do all the time.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Yeah, that was funny. A lot of yeah, yeah that that.
I don't think, uh, butt play, butt stuff is anything
remotely near vanilla.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
I guess a little of the same that a lot
of people, but she.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Did right, which is funny. I found that interesting. I
think there's a lot of common misconceptions on kink. I
think that it's important people know that kink is not abuse. Uh,
it is actually rooted in mutual respect and consent. Actually,
people who actually enjoy kink aren't damaged or devious. Yeah,
(15:01):
kink often is more. Kink often requires more of communication
and trust, I think more so than vanilla relationships.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
Yeah, same with Polly.
Speaker 5 (15:14):
That's why I think it actually is really good for
your development and character is because you have to talk
about everything.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Yeah, you really do. It's you have to talk about
every tiny little thing, and a lot of people don't
even know how to communicate on their vanilla side of sex.
So the thought of even going kinky and having to
talk about every tiny little detail of it is not
(15:42):
something that a lot of people are comfortable with.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Yes, beforehand, you have to talk about it, and I
would hope obviously in the midst of it you have
to talk about it. And then, which I think we're
going to touch on is after, which is the integral part.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Of which I love. Yeah, I think that the aftercare,
just to jump ahead for a second, is I think
one of the most exciting parts of it. It's like
it's it's a real strong, real loving connection that can
happen between two people, and a lot of people think
that kink is just some wild and crazy wack a
(16:17):
doodle ship. But it I mean, it can be as
simple as you know, ano play. It can be as
simple as using you know, a toy, a vibrant Well.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
I did bring a couple of our props.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, we're gonna talk about some of that. And I
would love it because one of the things I was
like typing away about, I was thinking of you, thinking
about your birthdays, and.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
I'm happy to talk about I love that.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
So in you know, I've been into kink for a while.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
You know, it was after after my last marriage, because
all of my marriages were very vanilla, very very very vanilla.
Speaker 5 (17:07):
You feel it at the that you wanted or you
just got into, like or like looking back, you consider.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
Them to be vanilla, Like what was it for? What
was your experience at the time.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
I don't think during the time that I was with
them that I would ever think that it had been vanilla.
I think that I would have thought that it was
just normal relationship, marriage, sex, you know, because I you know,
understand that oh gosh, when I was married, the times
(17:42):
I was married, oh back in the day, you know,
I was young and naive and fresh out of abuse,
and half of the relationships that I was married to
were abusive, not all of them, but half of them. Yes,
I've been married four times. One was I don't it's
(18:06):
where it no longer is a legal marriage. They annull it.
That's it. It was annulled. So technically three marriages. But
you know, I try and I kept trying, and I
kept trying, you know, with my little abuse of mind,
thinking that's you know, what I had to do. But
looking back, I saw that it was, you know, just
(18:27):
a vanilla's style relationship and I didn't know any different.
And if somebody had been kinky at that time, it
probably would have scared the other other shit out of me,
you know, because I had come from you know, trauma.
But you know, as I got older and as I
started healing, as you know, as life went on, you know,
I've met more and more men who were a little
(18:49):
more kinky and not so vanilla, and you know, I
just gradually worked into it, and I you know, realized
that I don't need one way or another more than
anything at all. I need the connection. I need the
you know, the communication, the trust, those things that come
(19:10):
with those kind of type of relationships, Okay, and not
everybody in a vanilla relationship has I think, Yeah, I
mean just it's just an example in my own life,
every vanilla relationship, every vanilla sex encounter that I've had, uh,
(19:34):
lack of communication, big time, no after care, no loving,
no no connecting. It just wasn't that much. Whereas when
I'm with somebody who is into BDSM or kink or
even like spanking, They're a lot more gentle, they communicate more. Uh,
they're more into aftercare. Now, don't get me wrong, there
are some fools out there who just think that they
(19:56):
know what the fuck they're doing and spanking away and
doing I don't know, they're they're the vanilla boys who
want to be kinky and think that this is the
way to be kinky, you know what I mean. And uh,
you know, I think that a lot of people still
have a lot to learn about kink before you dive
into it.
Speaker 4 (20:15):
Well, you have to be in a relationship in order
to explore.
Speaker 5 (20:17):
These things, can really communicate and have pressed with just
exactly exactly.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
So in my search to learn more about kink, I
realized they were actual types of kink that I didn't know.
I mean, I knew of all of these kinks, I
just didn't know they had names to them. Okay, Okay.
Sensory play.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
Oh so, if you don't mind, one of my owncoming.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
Episodes of Sex and Solo Girl is just called sensory
I love it and I have someone come on and
we talked about that, you play with it, and so
you were, uh.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
No, no, I'm saying that I'm familiar with all of
these I just didn't know they had names to them. Okay, okay.
So sensory play, for those who do not know, is
using things like temperature, sound, or texture. Just as an example,
like food.
Speaker 5 (21:19):
Nails, nails smells, yeah, feathers, yeah, all kinds of fun stuff.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Temperature meaning like ice or warmth, you know, simple Yeah,
like trailing with an ice cube and then trailing with
your mouth, you know, to cold and warm it up.
That's sexy as fuck. Then there's power play, which is
dom sub dynamics. It's about control, it's about obedience. I
(21:51):
didn't I know all about that stuff, but I didn't
know it was called power play.
Speaker 4 (21:58):
Yeah, you want to be the one who dominates, don't.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
You nout at all? On all of these things. I
am every one of these KEKs, every one of them.
I love using sensory. I love power play. I love
that control and obedience thing. Now can I be dominant? Absolutely? Uh.
(22:23):
I think that I'm very good at doing the flip roll,
like start with him being dominant and then me and
then him that kind of thing, a switch. See, look
at me learning new words. I needed that. Then there's
and this I found interesting. I did not know this
was called this impact play.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Oh, and this is you for sure. Also, three episodes
ago on Sex and Girl, the episode was just called impact.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
I love it. I love it, Yes, girl, let's see it.
It's banking locking paddles and those are Jennifer's paddles, a
couple of them.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
So this is the one that is just for my partner.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Okay, I love that one. It's beautiful.
Speaker 5 (23:13):
So also one of our goals is that the next morning,
I still have the.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Heart shape on your boute.
Speaker 5 (23:22):
I haven't gotten there yet, but yes, I love him.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
In fact, we have some others. But and then also
we got this for fun.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
I like that one. So turn that one up, yeah,
turn that one up to the bottom. I want to
see the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I lift it so
it's got a handle there. I love it. I love it, Yeah,
I love it.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
It is.
Speaker 4 (23:46):
I love so But the way that they and how it's.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
Different, I can't imagine hurting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the one
with the red the red ties, I can. So those
of you who are only listening, Jennis has two paddles.
One of them is a is a big like leather
squarish one with a handle, and it's got little rivets
around it with a heart shaped cut out of the
(24:12):
center of it. And then her other one is just
a heart shaped paddle with red ribbon ties across the front.
It's very sexy, almost like of courset and it's just
a heart shaped paddle. And that one looks like it
hurts like a muffa.
Speaker 5 (24:29):
It does, And I think my partner is watching, and
if he is, if you could bring out the big red.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
One, because.
Speaker 5 (24:38):
The one christ because we've got this big, huge, giant
one that you could.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
But yes, the other, smaller it goes, the harder it hurts. Yeah,
the bigger the paddle, the less.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
From the kitchen the other day and I like could
not handle it no so much.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Yeah, throwing up the wood spoon no, thank you, no, yes, yes,
So that's impact play. That's banking, flogging and paddles. And
then there is the last one, which is role play
or fetish either one, and I love this one too.
This one can be like, you know, teacher, student, the boss, employee.
(25:24):
It entails also say things like fetish. That's lay tax,
you know that kind.
Speaker 5 (25:30):
Of but also I think a fetish is something that
someone really really really needs to get off, as a
kink of something that someone kind of white.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Yes, I do agree. Oh, we brought the paddle. Oh
so that looks like a wooden one. Is that wooden?
Speaker 4 (25:48):
It's not wooden, but it's it's plushy.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Oh, it's plush. It looks leathery. Okay, folks, it looks
like a gigantic piece pung paddle. Yes, but it is
covered in like the burgundy kind of leathery looking stuff
and it is a lovely paddle. Actually, that one looks good.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
It doesn't hurt at all. So this one is it
makes us sound so loud? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah that
the neighbors can fully hear. It doesn't hurt, but the sound.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Yeah, Actually, that is something that I wanted to say,
is like the bigger the pedal, the more soundy it is,
but less painful, which is which is great because a
lot of the turn on is the sound, not only
the feel, but the sound like some people don't like
the pain. So for those of you who don't like
(26:46):
the pain, gets something that's bigger, boulder like this, that
doesn't hurt, but sounds like it does. And then that's
a freaking like whoa well.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
And we talked in the episode about how some people
get really in the bull whips.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
I can't have somebody bull whip the sound no quit.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Yes, it's interesting. When I was growing up, my uncle
had this bullwhip only because of course we were on
a ranch. It was needed and I used to stand
out in the yard and practice all the time. I
can do whatever I need to do with a bull whip.
I can pretty much nail anything. It's been a while,
(27:25):
but I think I think I could nail anything. It's
been a little while, but I think I still got it.
And uh, there's no fucking way that I could handle
that because i'd accidentally gotten it. How that shit hurts, No,
thank you. So I'd like to move on to consent,
(27:47):
the non negotiable part of kink okay. So kink and
consent go hand in hand because the cornerstone of kink
is nothing nothing happened without informed, enthusiastic, ongoing consent. And
when it says ongoing, it means ongoing because you know,
(28:11):
there are people who do not understand the consent can
be taken away at any time. Like somebody could feel
in the moment that that it's gonna be okay, that
they're gonna try this, they want this, but halfway through
or parch away partial way through, they change their mind
(28:31):
and it is okay. And a lot of people don't
understand that, and that's a very valuable thing to do,
to remember that consent can be taken away at any time,
even if somebody's in the middle of having just regular
sex with you. If they've changed their mind in the
middle of it, which they can, it needs to stop.
(28:53):
It doesn't mean that you're raping them, but it means
you are if you don't fucking stop. So there's there's
a fine line there, and I think people need to
understand that concent is massively important.
Speaker 5 (29:05):
Well, and that's where the communication part comes in and
why it's kind of hard to have some experiences with
some and you're not in a relationship because this is
something that you will determine. But even if you haven't
determined it ahead of time, yes, pushing you away being
in a relationship doesn't mean.
Speaker 3 (29:23):
That you're entitled to anything.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
That was something hard for me in my relation.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
I think at least I think a lot of people
are very aware, a lot of I don't want to
say just women, because there are men out there that
go through this too. But there comes a time in
a lot of our lives that we will feel coerced
into something, pressured into something, not maybe thinking this is
(29:52):
something that we want, or maybe even thinking it's a
good thing when we started, and then as you got
in it's either hurting really bad or it just doesn't
feel right, you feel right, Yeah, and that can change,
and I think that's important. And we may even do
an episode just on you know, consent at some point.
But but yeah, so there is something that's called, like
(30:16):
what we said, informed consent, and let's talk about the
basics of that. One of the things is everyone understands
what's going to happen, and that's what we were talking about,
is you know, talking about all the details of what
you plan on doing, even if it's just thinking.
Speaker 5 (30:36):
Well, and this is why and the BDSM community would
call it that you plan out ahead of time, that
you talk about and then you execute, yes, the informed consent,
like what's on the table, what do we want to do?
Speaker 4 (30:50):
And then kind of planning it out.
Speaker 5 (30:52):
And a lot of people think that something that that
sounds formulaic, but actually it makes it really really sexy anditing, Yes,
we didn't.
Speaker 3 (31:07):
We're just both over here. I'm glowing. I didn't need
to put uh, I didn't need to put blush on today.
Another informed consent and that's very important is that we
were just saying, is everyone can stop at any time.
Everyone can stop at any time. Let's keep that in mind, folks.
(31:27):
And the other thing is everyone has the capacity to consent,
you know, no substances, no pressure. Now, if this is
something that is new, I think that maybe you should
maybe maybe not.
Speaker 5 (31:44):
But again, to talk about this ahead of time. Yeah,
I mean this goes along with informed consent. There's going
to be certain substances either available or partaken. Like, what
does that? What does that mean for this scene? I
don't think that no substances is really a thing.
Speaker 4 (31:59):
Is like talk about it ahead of time.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
Yeah, well it could you know, keep in mind it
could be with the new partner that you're trying things with,
you know it, maybe try not to you know, drop
some acid or or something before you'll go and do that,
because what are you thinking?
Speaker 5 (32:21):
But you need to know the person and maybe have
put them before and like what does this look like?
Speaker 4 (32:27):
That's the thing. It's all about the communication and the
talking you in your words.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
M M.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Why do you think safe words matter and how to
choose them?
Speaker 5 (32:37):
Jenis, Well, I think that it matters because in the
heat of the moment, it can be really hard to
communicate otherwise, and all you have to do is say
the safe word. You don't have to sit there and formulate.
How do I to the person that I'm not that
this isn't good for me or I'm not feeling it?
Speaker 3 (32:55):
You just boom yellow yellow yellow. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (33:00):
Or It's not just about safe words, because sometimes you're
not able to do your words.
Speaker 4 (33:04):
You might have your ballgagon.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Or something right right.
Speaker 5 (33:10):
But yes, different ways that you can hate in the moment,
on the spot, within a second that we need to stop,
We need to recalibrate when you to talk about this.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
Yes, that's really hard to do.
Speaker 4 (33:21):
When you're having a sexual encounter.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
It is.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
And I do think that, uh, if if you're worried
about having a safe word, and if you're going to
remember it or or in the heat of the moment,
be able to say it, I do think that there
are certain things, like you said, that are you know,
physical ways of letting somebody know it's not you can use.
Speaker 5 (33:45):
I have ever done this, but somebody suggested that you
could have a squeeze ball that you oh squeak, yeah, squeaky,
squeaky Again, I haven't haven't done that.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
Maybe I'll bring a fog horn next time. I rarely
use the safe word, yeah, yeah, yeah, Well a common
system is green. It means go, yellow means slow down,
and red means stop immediately. And and this is something
(34:19):
that you can, you know, you know, use when you're unsure.
But you know, I think it's kind of fun to
maybe use other words or other ways to communicate it.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
You have.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
Never I don't have a safe word.
Speaker 5 (34:34):
We're so great, I know, I just go for it.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
Like I think my safe word to stop, motherfucker, I said,
fucking stop, right. I think that's pretty clear. I love it.
Let's talk about aftercare. Let's talk about aftercare. So the
(35:00):
emotional physical decompression after a scene, like Jenna said, a
scene essential for trust, connection and safety. What does aftercare
look like for you? It looks different for everybody. This
is also a place that you need to communicate. What
do you need? Do you need to cuddle? Do you
need press, do you need you know? Whatever? What what's yours? Jim?
Speaker 5 (35:23):
So, we discovered that's something that I really like for
my after care for whatever reason, I'm still not completely sure,
but what I really like for my after PRIs I
like to sit up up right and kind of be
wrapped in a blanket and have a conversation while I'm Yeah,
there's something about the sitting up motion that makes me
(35:45):
relaxed and kind of down from the situation.
Speaker 4 (35:47):
Or from the experience.
Speaker 5 (35:49):
And I looked after Yeah, it feels really calming. Yeah,
to set up in bed and be covered up with it.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (35:57):
It was something that we kind of discovered, you know,
that just really did different that works.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
I love that. I like uh, soft caressed touch. I
like my hair to be you know, I like someone
to touch and play with my hair. That calms me.
Speaker 4 (36:19):
I can ask for these things so comfortable.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Yeah, I mean, I don't typically do kink with somebody
who I haven't established some kind of relationship with, because
I don't think you could just really nearly do that
on a one night stand or definitely not the first
time you're with someone. You remember that story where that
douchebag was supposed to be watching a movie with me
(36:43):
and then next thing you know, he's like asking to
massage me, and I was like, cool, yeah, I'll take
a massage. I'll take a massage any damn day. And
so remember when he whipped out the restraints and restrained
me and then he was backed boring himself. Remember that.
Speaker 4 (37:03):
Yes, I do the story and a couple for another time.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
I don't know you.
Speaker 4 (37:12):
Blindfolded, Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
That when I thought I was going to be abducted.
That when I thought he was he was kidnapping me.
I thought I was going to be stuck in his
place forever. That was the scariest fucking day of my life.
That was the scariest I blig no, no, no, it's
all right that, Yeah, I like being blindfolded. Let's let's
(37:37):
let's read. Let's restructure this. I am a blindfold. I
love it. I love it. I love the feel of it,
the mystery of it. I I like really submitting. I
like showing how much trust that gives. Understand I don't
blindfold with just anybody. It's got to be with the
(37:58):
partner that I've been you know, secure with for a bit.
But I like it a lot. It's probably my biggest
really like.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
Yeah, I don't like it. I find it. I find
it comfortable.
Speaker 3 (38:16):
I find it sexiest that I don't want.
Speaker 5 (38:19):
To And maybe it is partially about my eyelashes, but
I picture and I thought.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Oh no, it was no, no, no, no, that's not
a safe moment.
Speaker 4 (38:32):
I do like it just the whole. There's nothing about
it that I that I m M.
Speaker 3 (38:39):
I like the the one hundred percent trust submission.
Speaker 4 (38:43):
I like that too, but just not in that way.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
I like that, Oh yeah, that too. But I like.
What I really like about it is that I have
zero fucking control, dear row, and I have so much
control in my life that letting that go in those
moments are the most freeing moments for me.
Speaker 5 (39:08):
See a lot of BDSM does that for me. I
just don't think mindful does that for him? How does
that give you a control? Why do you think that
makes you charge.
Speaker 4 (39:16):
Or like in charge?
Speaker 3 (39:18):
It has zero control. It gives me zero control.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
Just because you can't see.
Speaker 3 (39:25):
Yes, okay, because I don't know what's coming. I'm not
anticipating it. I'm not in you know the yes.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
No, don't.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
Don't you know what I mean. I'm trusting so fully
that it's just a freeing moment for me. I really love.
Speaker 5 (39:41):
It, and I do get that out of different types
of BDSM, like being completely tied up and completely restrained
would do.
Speaker 4 (39:47):
That for me.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
But I'll take them both together.
Speaker 4 (39:52):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (39:53):
You know what I've learned, and Chris has reflected this
to me and also some of my friends that this
puts me like kind of a minority that a lot
of women enjoy being.
Speaker 4 (40:02):
I'm not one of them. I find it. There's something degrading.
I just think. Also, I looked ugly when I don't know.
It's not my thing.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
You're judging yourself way too harshly.
Speaker 4 (40:13):
I don't enjoy it. Also, these lashes are not cheap.
Speaker 3 (40:17):
Well, there are masks that are just still that you
don't touch your eyelashes at all, you can have your
eyes open in them. It's just dark. Really, I love it.
My drinks on a hand out of nowhere. I love it.
(40:37):
So the sexy truth about consent is that it isn't
a mood killer. It's a turn on when both people
feel safe to explore. That's my Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (40:47):
We're actually planning a scene for tonight and just like
talking about it ahead of time.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Is so exciting.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
No, you're like you.
Speaker 5 (40:55):
Get the bubbling underneath the surface of like you know
what's going to happen, but you don't, and like planning
it out, getting to ask like this is actually what
kink is partially about, Like expressing what you find kinky
and then actually having somebody fulfill that for you.
Speaker 3 (41:11):
Right right. I love that. Now I do. We don't
we we're running out of time fast, so I do
want no, no, no, So I do want to cover control,
like who has it and why it matters really quick
before we give some healthy advice to everybody. The illusion
of control and BDSM can sometimes be the submissive often
(41:34):
has the real control because they set the limits. And
I think that people need to understand that if you're saying,
thinking that you're the submificive and you have no control,
you're wrong that you have the real control. The fake
control is the is the uh dom?
Speaker 5 (41:53):
Well, it's not that it's fake, but you're in control
because you've you're asking to relinquish.
Speaker 3 (41:59):
True. I don't know why I said fake okay, okay,
probably because because of my notes I put real control
and then I was like, oh, the fake control.
Speaker 5 (42:06):
Well that's again there's something that you're co creating. So
you have control, but he can't take control unless you
allow allow him to.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
Right and control actually during play can only work when
both people trust each other completely. So that's that's the
truth of the foundation of it. But the psychology of
the control, and I have written for both dom and
sub the psychology you have control for doms is the
rush of the responsibility and the focus, and then for
(42:39):
the subs, it's the freedom of surrendering choice in a
safe and sensual space. So I love that. That's my
favorite thing about perfect perfect Yeah, wealthy versus unhealthy control.
A healthy control is when it's negotiated boundaries, respect, care,
and check ins. It's when the person is checking in
(42:59):
with you to make sure it's Okay, how are you feeling?
Is this too hard? Is this? Do you want more?
Do you want less?
Speaker 6 (43:05):
You know?
Speaker 3 (43:06):
Just touching in with you and allowing you that freedom
to be able to say yes, I want more, no
I want less, you know.
Speaker 5 (43:12):
But also of the bedroom, because some yes people take
this outside.
Speaker 3 (43:17):
Outside exactly exactly. The unhealthy one is the manipulation, the corrosion,
or ignoring the boundary. That's that's the hard part. So
we have some helpful advice for our listeners for all
three sections, kink, lifestyle, and control. If you're curious about kink,
(43:38):
just start with communication. Talk about your fantasies before trying them.
Just talk about them. Research together books like Calm As
You Are or The New Topping, the New It's it's
called the New Topping Bottoming Book.
Speaker 4 (43:54):
And just know that one.
Speaker 5 (43:56):
But I would definitely say there's plenty of things online
to start. We have talked about we have talked about
the BDSM quiz before. I know you're not a fan,
but I am. If you are somewhat interested in these things,
both take it and then talk about it.
Speaker 3 (44:11):
Yep, yep, yep. I think it's a good idea. I
think it was fun when we did it. It was
a blast. I remember that episode.
Speaker 4 (44:18):
Yes, I do remember that episode for sure. I was
dating Christopher at that point.
Speaker 3 (44:25):
Ah. Yes, that's right. If you're in the lifestyle, deep consent,
active not assumed. Always check in before, during, and after play,
don't skip aftercare. It's the emotional glue that keeps the
kink safe and connected.
Speaker 4 (44:42):
You have to.
Speaker 3 (44:44):
Respect hard limits. Crossing them is a deal breaker, and
revisit boundaries often. Because people evolve.
Speaker 5 (44:53):
And relationships evolve and taste evolve, you'll discover more things
that you like, things that you use to that you're
not as into anymore.
Speaker 3 (45:02):
Right, and then, uh, the last thing I have is
if you've been in a controlling or abusive relationship, understand
that that consensual control is very different from the manipulation
or abuse.
Speaker 4 (45:18):
Well, some people say that it can be better than therapy.
Speaker 3 (45:21):
Been through that, Yeah, it can be, I think because
it can help your mind move past a lot of
issues with that and you can be healing when it
is rooted in communication, trust and mutual respect, and therapy
or support groups can help them pack past trauma before
engaging in control based play. So that's that's you know, interesting.
Speaker 7 (45:45):
Open your entire life like you can't, is what I
will say. But there's a world of possibility if you
choose to lean into this with someone you trust.
Speaker 3 (45:56):
And I have some real hot discussion prompts for y'all. Okay,
that kid get you moving in the direction of communicating
with your partner is here's here's four four prompts that
could really get you started. Is control sexy because it's
power or because it's permission? Which I find interesting? That's
(46:19):
an interesting question answer, sure, I.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Do too.
Speaker 3 (46:25):
Do I agree with that? Why does communication and kink
often lead to better sex overall? That's that's a great
question to really ask yourself. And can kink be empowering
even for people with trauma?
Speaker 4 (46:44):
Yes, especially for it.
Speaker 3 (46:47):
Yes. My friend Yes, a couple of days ago, was
helping me with my vintage car that I'm selling, and
he said to me, it's really hard for him sometimes
when he finds out a woman's been through trauma, it
worries him. It gives him into his ed moore and
he kind of worries about, you know, whether he's having
sex with them properly or not. And I said, listen,
it helps people with trauma to be able to feel
(47:09):
safe with somebody. I said, just get out of your
fucking head and talk to them about your words. Yeah,
I use them.
Speaker 5 (47:15):
I'd love to talk more about this, me too, having
this past men have said things like that.
Speaker 3 (47:21):
Yeah, I think we should have this conversation. Would you
like to come back and talk about this.
Speaker 5 (47:25):
I would love to come back and talk about this.
I mean, it's happened to me recent Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
Oh interesting. My last question prompt is how do you
balance the fantasy of surrender with real world self respect.
That's a good one. I like that one, So I'll
have you back to talk about. You know, how kink
can be empowering for those of us who have been
fucked in the head for a while.
Speaker 4 (47:49):
My pleasure.
Speaker 3 (47:50):
Okay, Well, thank you everybody for coming today. Janie, You're
my hero. Thank you for being here. The next two weeks.
I have a big announcement in in two and a
half weeks, I'm starting a brand new podcast. It is
called fifty Shades of Enlightenment, and I'm doing a fifty
(48:10):
Shade series. I'm doing three podcasts coming soon, all of
them are fifty Shades segment. Thomas Sawyer is going to
be my host with me on fifty Kades of Empowerment,
Sorry of enlightenment, excuse me, I even lost my own head,
and he's coming on the next two weeks to lead
(48:33):
into our new podcast, So come back. You're going to
learn some amazing like psychic fun either world. Yeah, you
want to come back one of those two weeks and
have your cards read or reading? Yes, let's do it
all right, So come back next week, same time, same place,
and until then, let's keep this shit real. If you
(48:57):
enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends, like and
follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades of Underscore Bullshit
and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit. Thanks so much
for listening, and we really hope to see you again
next week
The following show contains adult content. It's not our intent
to offend anyone, but we want to inform you that
if you are a child under the age of eighteen
or get offended easily, this next show may not be
for you. The content, opinions, and subject matter of these
shows are solely the choice of your show hosts and
their guests, and not those of the Entertainment Network or
any affiliated stations. Any comments or inquiry you should be
(00:22):
directed to those show hosts. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Hey everyone, and welcome to Fifty Shades of Bullshit. I'm
your host, Christine Lalan and this is the podcast where
we uncover the truth about online dating.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Now let's begin. Hey everyone, I'm Christine.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
And I'm Janis.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
And this is fifty Shades of Bullshit. Thanks for coming
back again this week.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
Janie, Oh my pleasure. I don't know how many times
have I been on, but it just feels.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Psych ah, thank you. Gonna have to look now, I'm
gonna have to look.
Speaker 5 (01:04):
Well because I was one of your first guests and
then we were and we did operators and it's been.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
It's been an awesome four years, sister, it really has.
We are let me see one, two, three, four, I
don't know, four and a half weeks from being at
four years for the show, which is very and I think.
Speaker 5 (01:33):
That were four and a half years of friendship because
we became friends Thanksgiving weekend, the first year month of
your show.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
Yeah, if you remember.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
That, yeah, I do. I remember calling you because I
wanted to see if you wanted to be on the
show because I saw you on our group thing for
all the you know what what what group dating confession. Yeah,
so I saw you on there and I was like that,
bitch is cool. So I was like, let's call you.
(02:05):
And I remember calling you when you were you were
looking for whiskey to buy for your for your Thanksgiving trip,
and you were telling me all about your solo trip
that you take and I was just like floored, I
think at the time, to think that a woman would
want to go and do this by herself. I was
(02:28):
just like, what up? And now I was like, I'm
never doing that, and then yeah, but here I am, now,
you know, making plans to take off in my life solo.
So I know I do too. It at because of you, bitch.
(02:49):
I just I just cheered.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
And I issue on the show. That would end up
being close friends.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Oh my god, I remember. I remember not long after that,
I was really struggling with I had started kind of
getting to know and started, I guess you could call
dating somebody from our group, and.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
It just got I forgot about that.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
It was going so like sideways, and I thought I
was going crazy because I couldn't imagine that a dating
coach would treat me so disrespectfully and almost gaslight me
and try to turn it around the narrative. I was like,
am I going crazy?
Speaker 4 (03:38):
Well, you said so. But then we got into the clubhouse. Yes, yes,
And I remember you asking.
Speaker 5 (03:45):
Me if I could chat one day, and I thought
that was pretty cool because I.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
Thought you were awesome.
Speaker 5 (03:50):
Thank you said, oh, I've gotten into a relationship with mister.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Yes, yes, yes, what And then.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
You proceeded to tell me what had been going on,
which I do and then I will never forget.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Oh my god. You know what's funny was when I
was getting ready for this show, I was reading through
all my notes and I had put in the notes
what was it? Uh, let me find it really fast?
I yes, thank you, and it said you know, green, yellow,
(04:34):
and red, and I started cracking up because I remember
that he was just acting so mother f and weird
and we were at a family breakfast plates and there
were children everywhere, and I was just talking to him
about the fact that he was acting very bizarre and
(04:55):
that I wasn't, you know, comfortable with how he was
treating me, and he just said, yellow is the safe word,
and then rabbed me, shoved me against a car and
started blatantly sticking his tongue in my mouth, sticking his
hand in my boobs. He was like trying to fill
me up and press me against the stranger's car, and.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
I thought it was your car.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
No, wasn't even my car, and he just was like
acting all fucking weird and then he went all nuts
and it was in front of a bunch of children
and people, and I just can't think. All I could
say was I was like, hell, yellow sound now.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
I was like, oh, oh strange, how does yellow sound?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Oh God, I don't think she'd ever had anybody scream
yellow at him After he said yellow's the safe word.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
I can never imagine someone right.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Right, I'm like, you crazy motherfucker.
Speaker 5 (06:07):
Okay, God, And then there was some other drama that
I don't think we'll talk about right now with our
Clubhouse for Questionable And well.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
You know that also kind of came across my mind
when I was doing a lot of my research about
my notes for this episode, because we did a clubhouse
episode talking about consent and he said some of the
off fuckery and I lost my marbles and publicly I
(06:41):
lost my marbles. Go figure, folks, And I was like, oh,
I can't hold this back because you know, as a
woman talking about consent and a man thinking that he
could speak on the behalf of women pissed me the
fuck off. And he said some really yety things.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
He said that when a man breaks consent or doesn't
ask for consent or breaches trust, that it's also really
important for the man to have someone to hold space.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
For the man as well.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I vomited.
Speaker 5 (07:17):
It was just like not germane so like the rest
of the conversation that we were having, and he was
really like, I need to make sure that we also
talk about what the man needs when he does things,
and you were just not.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
I was like, we're not talking about how a man
feels when a woman says no, when she is expressing
consent or non consent. Asshole, and I went bonkers and
I let him have it. Let's just say I he
(07:53):
did well, this is the thing. Nobody was speaking up,
and I was like, the fuck this is going to
be said and be tolerated, and I spoke up. I
have no problem speaking up.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
But then I actually had the task of in the
club house.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
I wish I could have been part of that. God
damn it, so I did. I've had I've had a
rough week. I've had a rough couple of weeks. Actually, uh,
you know, I just want to say to all the
listeners out there and everybody who calms every week to
(08:35):
talk to us. The last two weeks, I've had to
pre record, and I do not like to pre record.
We try not to do that here at all because
I really love being live and being part of the
conversation with everybody. It's really exciting and I love that.
And unfortunately we had to do that for the last
(08:58):
couple of weeks, and I wasn't able to really just
say that, you know, I lost that job that I
had with that real estate company who fucked me over
big time. I was it was bad. I was being bullied,
it was it was it was a lot more than
the bullying. But that, uh, for some reason, I start
(09:18):
with that every time I think it really affects me. Oh,
Missy said, it was still a good show, thank you.
We tried to put on as solid a vision of
an episode as I can when we have to pre record,
but I did a okay, So everybody knows me by
now here, and if you're new to the show. I
(09:44):
also do filming and I'm doing a documentary you know,
called Darling of the Derby And Diane Crump is my hero.
She is one of the greatest people in my life.
I got a really bad message yesterday that Diane has
a very aggressive brain cancer tumor and she will not
(10:04):
be with us much longer. And she called me this
morning to have a conversation with me. I tried to
record it. I was prepared. I'd gotten this recording device
thing from my phone. Unfortunately it didn't work. But she
told me how much she loved me, and how her
greatest moments in her life was when I'd created those
(10:26):
moments with her and her grandchildren and her daughter for
the filming. And she said that she had learned some
things about her grandchildren and what they knew and thought
about her because of my filming, and it just it
changed her life, and she has changed mine and so
many around her. And so I've had a rough, you know,
(10:48):
a couple of weeks. And I did a Facebook post
yesterday about my struggles and to promote today's show, and
a friend of mine saw it and sent me a message.
And it has a lot to do about the show
and how it ties in with life, and I just
(11:09):
wanted to read it really quick before we got too
into it, before.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
We got kinky.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Yes, he said, I'll start out from the beginning. He says, Hi,
I hope today has been a bit better for you.
I just watched your TikTok video from yesterday, and yes,
your hair did look gorgeous. But more importantly, as you said,
tonight's edition of fifty Shades is about kink, consent and control.
And I thought, how that weirdly paralyzed your life. Life
(11:37):
is a kink new, arousing, adventurous, stimulating, and some days
scary or maybe even a tiny bit dangerous. It's also consent.
You have the right to say yes no, set perimeters,
and build relationships not only with others but yourself. Finally,
life is about control. How you allow yourself to feel, respond,
(12:00):
to establish boundaries, and to take responsibility for your everyday life.
He goes on to say, you know a bunch of
really wonderful things about me, y'all don't have to hear,
but well, he said, you are an amazing woman. I
watched that video and I thought, that is a person
(12:22):
I'd love to sit with and just talk life. She's smart, strong, beautiful, wise,
self aware, and resilient. She knows more and can do
more than any one even believes or her self believes can.
I'm not sending this to you for any reason other
than to encourage you to be smart about your consent
and focus on staying in control. Life is a kink.
(12:45):
It can both hurt and turn you on. Don't be
afraid of the kink.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Oh wow.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
So that was my message from one of my oldest
friends in life. I've known him since high school. So
that was nice. And so let's lead into what we're
doing today. Today is about the world of kink, consent
and control. Who's really in charge when things get steamy?
From fun safe words and serious talk and trust and
(13:14):
boundaries and aftercare, this episode is going to talk about
how communication can turn power play into real connection, sexy, smart,
and a little twisted. So let's talk about kink. Let's
let's define it though. Kink is anything outside of vanilla sex,
(13:35):
from light spanking to full on BDSM that's based on
shared fantasy and curiosity. Do you have anything to add
to that, Jennis.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
That sounds about right.
Speaker 5 (13:44):
I think that anytime we use the word vanilla, that's
also open.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
For yep mm hmmm, yep.
Speaker 5 (13:51):
I guess anything that you that are outside are you
consider to be for them vanilla. In fact, we had
an episode on kink maybe like two years ago with
a mutual friend of ours and we're talking about you know,
what you consider vanilla, what you don't, And one of
my tips for getting kinky is to do to do
(14:14):
butt stuff right, and she said, that's considered k Like
that's what I do all the time.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Yeah, that was funny. A lot of yeah, yeah that that.
I don't think, uh, butt play, butt stuff is anything
remotely near vanilla.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
I guess a little of the same that a lot
of people, but she.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Did right, which is funny. I found that interesting. I
think there's a lot of common misconceptions on kink. I
think that it's important people know that kink is not abuse. Uh,
it is actually rooted in mutual respect and consent. Actually,
people who actually enjoy kink aren't damaged or devious. Yeah,
(15:01):
kink often is more. Kink often requires more of communication
and trust, I think more so than vanilla relationships.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
Yeah, same with Polly.
Speaker 5 (15:14):
That's why I think it actually is really good for
your development and character is because you have to talk
about everything.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Yeah, you really do. It's you have to talk about
every tiny little thing, and a lot of people don't
even know how to communicate on their vanilla side of sex.
So the thought of even going kinky and having to
talk about every tiny little detail of it is not
(15:42):
something that a lot of people are comfortable with.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Yes, beforehand, you have to talk about it, and I
would hope obviously in the midst of it you have
to talk about it. And then, which I think we're
going to touch on is after, which is the integral part.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Of which I love. Yeah, I think that the aftercare,
just to jump ahead for a second, is I think
one of the most exciting parts of it. It's like
it's it's a real strong, real loving connection that can
happen between two people, and a lot of people think
that kink is just some wild and crazy wack a
(16:17):
doodle ship. But it I mean, it can be as
simple as you know, ano play. It can be as
simple as using you know, a toy, a vibrant Well.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
I did bring a couple of our props.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, we're gonna talk about some of that. And I
would love it because one of the things I was
like typing away about, I was thinking of you, thinking
about your birthdays, and.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
I'm happy to talk about I love that.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
So in you know, I've been into kink for a while.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
You know, it was after after my last marriage, because
all of my marriages were very vanilla, very very very vanilla.
Speaker 5 (17:07):
You feel it at the that you wanted or you
just got into, like or like looking back, you consider.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
Them to be vanilla, Like what was it for? What
was your experience at the time.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
I don't think during the time that I was with
them that I would ever think that it had been vanilla.
I think that I would have thought that it was
just normal relationship, marriage, sex, you know, because I you know,
understand that oh gosh, when I was married, the times
(17:42):
I was married, oh back in the day, you know,
I was young and naive and fresh out of abuse,
and half of the relationships that I was married to
were abusive, not all of them, but half of them. Yes,
I've been married four times. One was I don't it's
(18:06):
where it no longer is a legal marriage. They annull it.
That's it. It was annulled. So technically three marriages. But
you know, I try and I kept trying, and I
kept trying, you know, with my little abuse of mind,
thinking that's you know, what I had to do. But
looking back, I saw that it was, you know, just
(18:27):
a vanilla's style relationship and I didn't know any different.
And if somebody had been kinky at that time, it
probably would have scared the other other shit out of me,
you know, because I had come from you know, trauma.
But you know, as I got older and as I
started healing, as you know, as life went on, you know,
I've met more and more men who were a little
(18:49):
more kinky and not so vanilla, and you know, I
just gradually worked into it, and I you know, realized
that I don't need one way or another more than
anything at all. I need the connection. I need the
you know, the communication, the trust, those things that come
(19:10):
with those kind of type of relationships, Okay, and not
everybody in a vanilla relationship has I think, Yeah, I
mean just it's just an example in my own life,
every vanilla relationship, every vanilla sex encounter that I've had, uh,
(19:34):
lack of communication, big time, no after care, no loving,
no no connecting. It just wasn't that much. Whereas when
I'm with somebody who is into BDSM or kink or
even like spanking, They're a lot more gentle, they communicate more. Uh,
they're more into aftercare. Now, don't get me wrong, there
are some fools out there who just think that they
(19:56):
know what the fuck they're doing and spanking away and
doing I don't know, they're they're the vanilla boys who
want to be kinky and think that this is the
way to be kinky, you know what I mean. And uh,
you know, I think that a lot of people still
have a lot to learn about kink before you dive
into it.
Speaker 4 (20:15):
Well, you have to be in a relationship in order
to explore.
Speaker 5 (20:17):
These things, can really communicate and have pressed with just
exactly exactly.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
So in my search to learn more about kink, I
realized they were actual types of kink that I didn't know.
I mean, I knew of all of these kinks, I
just didn't know they had names to them. Okay, Okay.
Sensory play.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
Oh so, if you don't mind, one of my owncoming.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
Episodes of Sex and Solo Girl is just called sensory
I love it and I have someone come on and
we talked about that, you play with it, and so
you were, uh.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
No, no, I'm saying that I'm familiar with all of
these I just didn't know they had names to them. Okay, okay.
So sensory play, for those who do not know, is
using things like temperature, sound, or texture. Just as an example,
like food.
Speaker 5 (21:19):
Nails, nails smells, yeah, feathers, yeah, all kinds of fun stuff.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Temperature meaning like ice or warmth, you know, simple Yeah,
like trailing with an ice cube and then trailing with
your mouth, you know, to cold and warm it up.
That's sexy as fuck. Then there's power play, which is
dom sub dynamics. It's about control, it's about obedience. I
(21:51):
didn't I know all about that stuff, but I didn't
know it was called power play.
Speaker 4 (21:58):
Yeah, you want to be the one who dominates, don't.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
You nout at all? On all of these things. I
am every one of these KEKs, every one of them.
I love using sensory. I love power play. I love
that control and obedience thing. Now can I be dominant? Absolutely? Uh.
(22:23):
I think that I'm very good at doing the flip roll,
like start with him being dominant and then me and
then him that kind of thing, a switch. See, look
at me learning new words. I needed that. Then there's
and this I found interesting. I did not know this
was called this impact play.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Oh, and this is you for sure. Also, three episodes
ago on Sex and Girl, the episode was just called impact.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
I love it. I love it, Yes, girl, let's see it.
It's banking locking paddles and those are Jennifer's paddles, a
couple of them.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
So this is the one that is just for my partner.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Okay, I love that one. It's beautiful.
Speaker 5 (23:13):
So also one of our goals is that the next morning,
I still have the.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Heart shape on your boute.
Speaker 5 (23:22):
I haven't gotten there yet, but yes, I love him.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
In fact, we have some others. But and then also
we got this for fun.
Speaker 3 (23:29):
I like that one. So turn that one up, yeah,
turn that one up to the bottom. I want to
see the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I lift it so
it's got a handle there. I love it. I love it, Yeah,
I love it.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
It is.
Speaker 4 (23:46):
I love so But the way that they and how it's.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
Different, I can't imagine hurting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the one
with the red the red ties, I can. So those
of you who are only listening, Jennis has two paddles.
One of them is a is a big like leather
squarish one with a handle, and it's got little rivets
around it with a heart shaped cut out of the
(24:12):
center of it. And then her other one is just
a heart shaped paddle with red ribbon ties across the front.
It's very sexy, almost like of courset and it's just
a heart shaped paddle. And that one looks like it
hurts like a muffa.
Speaker 5 (24:29):
It does, And I think my partner is watching, and
if he is, if you could bring out the big red.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
One, because.
Speaker 5 (24:38):
The one christ because we've got this big, huge, giant
one that you could.
Speaker 3 (24:45):
But yes, the other, smaller it goes, the harder it hurts. Yeah,
the bigger the paddle, the less.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
From the kitchen the other day and I like could
not handle it no so much.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Yeah, throwing up the wood spoon no, thank you, no, yes, yes,
So that's impact play. That's banking, flogging and paddles. And
then there is the last one, which is role play
or fetish either one, and I love this one too.
This one can be like, you know, teacher, student, the boss, employee.
(25:24):
It entails also say things like fetish. That's lay tax,
you know that kind.
Speaker 5 (25:30):
Of but also I think a fetish is something that
someone really really really needs to get off, as a
kink of something that someone kind of white.
Speaker 3 (25:38):
Yes, I do agree. Oh, we brought the paddle. Oh
so that looks like a wooden one. Is that wooden?
Speaker 4 (25:48):
It's not wooden, but it's it's plushy.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Oh, it's plush. It looks leathery. Okay, folks, it looks
like a gigantic piece pung paddle. Yes, but it is
covered in like the burgundy kind of leathery looking stuff
and it is a lovely paddle. Actually, that one looks good.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
It doesn't hurt at all. So this one is it
makes us sound so loud? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah that
the neighbors can fully hear. It doesn't hurt, but the sound.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Yeah, Actually, that is something that I wanted to say,
is like the bigger the pedal, the more soundy it is,
but less painful, which is which is great because a
lot of the turn on is the sound, not only
the feel, but the sound like some people don't like
the pain. So for those of you who don't like
(26:46):
the pain, gets something that's bigger, boulder like this, that
doesn't hurt, but sounds like it does. And then that's
a freaking like whoa well.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
And we talked in the episode about how some people
get really in the bull whips.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
I can't have somebody bull whip the sound no quit.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Yes, it's interesting. When I was growing up, my uncle
had this bullwhip only because of course we were on
a ranch. It was needed and I used to stand
out in the yard and practice all the time. I
can do whatever I need to do with a bull whip.
I can pretty much nail anything. It's been a while,
(27:25):
but I think I think I could nail anything. It's
been a little while, but I think I still got it.
And uh, there's no fucking way that I could handle
that because i'd accidentally gotten it. How that shit hurts, No,
thank you. So I'd like to move on to consent,
(27:47):
the non negotiable part of kink okay. So kink and
consent go hand in hand because the cornerstone of kink
is nothing nothing happened without informed, enthusiastic, ongoing consent. And
when it says ongoing, it means ongoing because you know,
(28:11):
there are people who do not understand the consent can
be taken away at any time. Like somebody could feel
in the moment that that it's gonna be okay, that
they're gonna try this, they want this, but halfway through
or parch away partial way through, they change their mind
(28:31):
and it is okay. And a lot of people don't
understand that, and that's a very valuable thing to do,
to remember that consent can be taken away at any time,
even if somebody's in the middle of having just regular
sex with you. If they've changed their mind in the
middle of it, which they can, it needs to stop.
(28:53):
It doesn't mean that you're raping them, but it means
you are if you don't fucking stop. So there's there's
a fine line there, and I think people need to
understand that concent is massively important.
Speaker 5 (29:05):
Well, and that's where the communication part comes in and
why it's kind of hard to have some experiences with
some and you're not in a relationship because this is
something that you will determine. But even if you haven't
determined it ahead of time, yes, pushing you away being
in a relationship doesn't mean.
Speaker 3 (29:23):
That you're entitled to anything.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
That was something hard for me in my relation.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
I think at least I think a lot of people
are very aware, a lot of I don't want to
say just women, because there are men out there that
go through this too. But there comes a time in
a lot of our lives that we will feel coerced
into something, pressured into something, not maybe thinking this is
(29:52):
something that we want, or maybe even thinking it's a
good thing when we started, and then as you got
in it's either hurting really bad or it just doesn't
feel right, you feel right, Yeah, and that can change,
and I think that's important. And we may even do
an episode just on you know, consent at some point.
But but yeah, so there is something that's called, like
(30:16):
what we said, informed consent, and let's talk about the
basics of that. One of the things is everyone understands
what's going to happen, and that's what we were talking about,
is you know, talking about all the details of what
you plan on doing, even if it's just thinking.
Speaker 5 (30:36):
Well, and this is why and the BDSM community would
call it that you plan out ahead of time, that
you talk about and then you execute, yes, the informed consent,
like what's on the table, what do we want to do?
Speaker 4 (30:50):
And then kind of planning it out.
Speaker 5 (30:52):
And a lot of people think that something that that
sounds formulaic, but actually it makes it really really sexy anditing, Yes,
we didn't.
Speaker 3 (31:07):
We're just both over here. I'm glowing. I didn't need
to put uh, I didn't need to put blush on today.
Another informed consent and that's very important is that we
were just saying, is everyone can stop at any time.
Everyone can stop at any time. Let's keep that in mind, folks.
(31:27):
And the other thing is everyone has the capacity to consent,
you know, no substances, no pressure. Now, if this is
something that is new, I think that maybe you should
maybe maybe not.
Speaker 5 (31:44):
But again, to talk about this ahead of time. Yeah,
I mean this goes along with informed consent. There's going
to be certain substances either available or partaken. Like, what
does that? What does that mean for this scene? I
don't think that no substances is really a thing.
Speaker 4 (31:59):
Is like talk about it ahead of time.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
Yeah, well it could you know, keep in mind it
could be with the new partner that you're trying things with,
you know it, maybe try not to you know, drop
some acid or or something before you'll go and do that,
because what are you thinking?
Speaker 5 (32:21):
But you need to know the person and maybe have
put them before and like what does this look like?
Speaker 4 (32:27):
That's the thing. It's all about the communication and the
talking you in your words.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
M M.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Why do you think safe words matter and how to
choose them?
Speaker 5 (32:37):
Jenis, Well, I think that it matters because in the
heat of the moment, it can be really hard to
communicate otherwise, and all you have to do is say
the safe word. You don't have to sit there and formulate.
How do I to the person that I'm not that
this isn't good for me or I'm not feeling it?
Speaker 3 (32:55):
You just boom yellow yellow yellow. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (33:00):
Or It's not just about safe words, because sometimes you're
not able to do your words.
Speaker 4 (33:04):
You might have your ballgagon.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Or something right right.
Speaker 5 (33:10):
But yes, different ways that you can hate in the moment,
on the spot, within a second that we need to stop,
We need to recalibrate when you to talk about this.
Speaker 3 (33:20):
Yes, that's really hard to do.
Speaker 4 (33:21):
When you're having a sexual encounter.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
It is.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
And I do think that, uh, if if you're worried
about having a safe word, and if you're going to
remember it or or in the heat of the moment,
be able to say it, I do think that there
are certain things, like you said, that are you know,
physical ways of letting somebody know it's not you can use.
Speaker 5 (33:45):
I have ever done this, but somebody suggested that you
could have a squeeze ball that you oh squeak, yeah, squeaky,
squeaky Again, I haven't haven't done that.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
Maybe I'll bring a fog horn next time. I rarely
use the safe word, yeah, yeah, yeah, Well a common
system is green. It means go, yellow means slow down,
and red means stop immediately. And and this is something
(34:19):
that you can, you know, you know, use when you're unsure.
But you know, I think it's kind of fun to
maybe use other words or other ways to communicate it.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
You have.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
Never I don't have a safe word.
Speaker 5 (34:34):
We're so great, I know, I just go for it.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
Like I think my safe word to stop, motherfucker, I said,
fucking stop, right. I think that's pretty clear. I love it.
Let's talk about aftercare. Let's talk about aftercare. So the
(35:00):
emotional physical decompression after a scene, like Jenna said, a
scene essential for trust, connection and safety. What does aftercare
look like for you? It looks different for everybody. This
is also a place that you need to communicate. What
do you need? Do you need to cuddle? Do you
need press, do you need you know? Whatever? What what's yours? Jim?
Speaker 5 (35:23):
So, we discovered that's something that I really like for
my after care for whatever reason, I'm still not completely sure,
but what I really like for my after PRIs I
like to sit up up right and kind of be
wrapped in a blanket and have a conversation while I'm Yeah,
there's something about the sitting up motion that makes me
(35:45):
relaxed and kind of down from the situation.
Speaker 4 (35:47):
Or from the experience.
Speaker 5 (35:49):
And I looked after Yeah, it feels really calming. Yeah,
to set up in bed and be covered up with it.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (35:57):
It was something that we kind of discovered, you know,
that just really did different that works.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
I love that. I like uh, soft caressed touch. I
like my hair to be you know, I like someone
to touch and play with my hair. That calms me.
Speaker 4 (36:19):
I can ask for these things so comfortable.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
Yeah, I mean, I don't typically do kink with somebody
who I haven't established some kind of relationship with, because
I don't think you could just really nearly do that
on a one night stand or definitely not the first
time you're with someone. You remember that story where that
douchebag was supposed to be watching a movie with me
(36:43):
and then next thing you know, he's like asking to
massage me, and I was like, cool, yeah, I'll take
a massage. I'll take a massage any damn day. And
so remember when he whipped out the restraints and restrained
me and then he was backed boring himself. Remember that.
Speaker 4 (37:03):
Yes, I do the story and a couple for another time.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
I don't know you.
Speaker 4 (37:12):
Blindfolded, Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
That when I thought I was going to be abducted.
That when I thought he was he was kidnapping me.
I thought I was going to be stuck in his
place forever. That was the scariest fucking day of my life.
That was the scariest I blig no, no, no, it's
all right that, Yeah, I like being blindfolded. Let's let's
(37:37):
let's read. Let's restructure this. I am a blindfold. I
love it. I love it. I love the feel of it,
the mystery of it. I I like really submitting. I
like showing how much trust that gives. Understand I don't
blindfold with just anybody. It's got to be with the
(37:58):
partner that I've been you know, secure with for a bit.
But I like it a lot. It's probably my biggest
really like.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
Yeah, I don't like it. I find it. I find
it comfortable.
Speaker 3 (38:16):
I find it sexiest that I don't want.
Speaker 5 (38:19):
To And maybe it is partially about my eyelashes, but
I picture and I thought.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
Oh no, it was no, no, no, no, that's not
a safe moment.
Speaker 4 (38:32):
I do like it just the whole. There's nothing about
it that I that I m M.
Speaker 3 (38:39):
I like the the one hundred percent trust submission.
Speaker 4 (38:43):
I like that too, but just not in that way.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
I like that, Oh yeah, that too. But I like.
What I really like about it is that I have
zero fucking control, dear row, and I have so much
control in my life that letting that go in those
moments are the most freeing moments for me.
Speaker 5 (39:08):
See a lot of BDSM does that for me. I
just don't think mindful does that for him? How does
that give you a control? Why do you think that
makes you charge.
Speaker 4 (39:16):
Or like in charge?
Speaker 3 (39:18):
It has zero control. It gives me zero control.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
Just because you can't see.
Speaker 3 (39:25):
Yes, okay, because I don't know what's coming. I'm not
anticipating it. I'm not in you know the yes.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
No, don't.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
Don't you know what I mean. I'm trusting so fully
that it's just a freeing moment for me. I really love.
Speaker 5 (39:41):
It, and I do get that out of different types
of BDSM, like being completely tied up and completely restrained
would do.
Speaker 4 (39:47):
That for me.
Speaker 3 (39:49):
But I'll take them both together.
Speaker 4 (39:52):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (39:53):
You know what I've learned, and Chris has reflected this
to me and also some of my friends that this
puts me like kind of a minority that a lot
of women enjoy being.
Speaker 4 (40:02):
I'm not one of them. I find it. There's something degrading.
I just think. Also, I looked ugly when I don't know.
It's not my thing.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
You're judging yourself way too harshly.
Speaker 4 (40:13):
I don't enjoy it. Also, these lashes are not cheap.
Speaker 3 (40:17):
Well, there are masks that are just still that you
don't touch your eyelashes at all, you can have your
eyes open in them. It's just dark. Really, I love it.
My drinks on a hand out of nowhere. I love it.
(40:37):
So the sexy truth about consent is that it isn't
a mood killer. It's a turn on when both people
feel safe to explore. That's my Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (40:47):
We're actually planning a scene for tonight and just like
talking about it ahead of time.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Is so exciting.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
No, you're like you.
Speaker 5 (40:55):
Get the bubbling underneath the surface of like you know
what's going to happen, but you don't, and like planning
it out, getting to ask like this is actually what
kink is partially about, Like expressing what you find kinky
and then actually having somebody fulfill that for you.
Speaker 3 (41:11):
Right right. I love that. Now I do. We don't
we we're running out of time fast, so I do
want no, no, no, So I do want to cover control,
like who has it and why it matters really quick
before we give some healthy advice to everybody. The illusion
of control and BDSM can sometimes be the submissive often
(41:34):
has the real control because they set the limits. And
I think that people need to understand that if you're saying,
thinking that you're the submificive and you have no control,
you're wrong that you have the real control. The fake
control is the is the uh dom?
Speaker 5 (41:53):
Well, it's not that it's fake, but you're in control
because you've you're asking to relinquish.
Speaker 3 (41:59):
True. I don't know why I said fake okay, okay,
probably because because of my notes I put real control
and then I was like, oh, the fake control.
Speaker 5 (42:06):
Well that's again there's something that you're co creating. So
you have control, but he can't take control unless you
allow allow him to.
Speaker 3 (42:15):
Right and control actually during play can only work when
both people trust each other completely. So that's that's the
truth of the foundation of it. But the psychology of
the control, and I have written for both dom and
sub the psychology you have control for doms is the
rush of the responsibility and the focus, and then for
(42:39):
the subs, it's the freedom of surrendering choice in a
safe and sensual space. So I love that. That's my
favorite thing about perfect perfect Yeah, wealthy versus unhealthy control.
A healthy control is when it's negotiated boundaries, respect, care,
and check ins. It's when the person is checking in
(42:59):
with you to make sure it's Okay, how are you feeling?
Is this too hard? Is this? Do you want more?
Do you want less?
Speaker 6 (43:05):
You know?
Speaker 3 (43:06):
Just touching in with you and allowing you that freedom
to be able to say yes, I want more, no
I want less, you know.
Speaker 5 (43:12):
But also of the bedroom, because some yes people take
this outside.
Speaker 3 (43:17):
Outside exactly exactly. The unhealthy one is the manipulation, the corrosion,
or ignoring the boundary. That's that's the hard part. So
we have some helpful advice for our listeners for all
three sections, kink, lifestyle, and control. If you're curious about kink,
(43:38):
just start with communication. Talk about your fantasies before trying them.
Just talk about them. Research together books like Calm As
You Are or The New Topping, the New It's it's
called the New Topping Bottoming Book.
Speaker 4 (43:54):
And just know that one.
Speaker 5 (43:56):
But I would definitely say there's plenty of things online
to start. We have talked about we have talked about
the BDSM quiz before. I know you're not a fan,
but I am. If you are somewhat interested in these things,
both take it and then talk about it.
Speaker 3 (44:11):
Yep, yep, yep. I think it's a good idea. I
think it was fun when we did it. It was
a blast. I remember that episode.
Speaker 4 (44:18):
Yes, I do remember that episode for sure. I was
dating Christopher at that point.
Speaker 3 (44:25):
Ah. Yes, that's right. If you're in the lifestyle, deep consent,
active not assumed. Always check in before, during, and after play,
don't skip aftercare. It's the emotional glue that keeps the
kink safe and connected.
Speaker 4 (44:42):
You have to.
Speaker 3 (44:44):
Respect hard limits. Crossing them is a deal breaker, and
revisit boundaries often. Because people evolve.
Speaker 5 (44:53):
And relationships evolve and taste evolve, you'll discover more things
that you like, things that you use to that you're
not as into anymore.
Speaker 3 (45:02):
Right, and then, uh, the last thing I have is
if you've been in a controlling or abusive relationship, understand
that that consensual control is very different from the manipulation
or abuse.
Speaker 4 (45:18):
Well, some people say that it can be better than therapy.
Speaker 3 (45:21):
Been through that, Yeah, it can be, I think because
it can help your mind move past a lot of
issues with that and you can be healing when it
is rooted in communication, trust and mutual respect, and therapy
or support groups can help them pack past trauma before
engaging in control based play. So that's that's you know, interesting.
Speaker 7 (45:45):
Open your entire life like you can't, is what I
will say. But there's a world of possibility if you
choose to lean into this with someone you trust.
Speaker 3 (45:56):
And I have some real hot discussion prompts for y'all. Okay,
that kid get you moving in the direction of communicating
with your partner is here's here's four four prompts that
could really get you started. Is control sexy because it's
power or because it's permission? Which I find interesting? That's
(46:19):
an interesting question answer, sure, I.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
Do too.
Speaker 3 (46:25):
Do I agree with that? Why does communication and kink
often lead to better sex overall? That's that's a great
question to really ask yourself. And can kink be empowering
even for people with trauma?
Speaker 4 (46:44):
Yes, especially for it.
Speaker 3 (46:47):
Yes. My friend Yes, a couple of days ago, was
helping me with my vintage car that I'm selling, and
he said to me, it's really hard for him sometimes
when he finds out a woman's been through trauma, it
worries him. It gives him into his ed moore and
he kind of worries about, you know, whether he's having
sex with them properly or not. And I said, listen,
it helps people with trauma to be able to feel
(47:09):
safe with somebody. I said, just get out of your
fucking head and talk to them about your words. Yeah,
I use them.
Speaker 5 (47:15):
I'd love to talk more about this, me too, having
this past men have said things like that.
Speaker 3 (47:21):
Yeah, I think we should have this conversation. Would you
like to come back and talk about this.
Speaker 5 (47:25):
I would love to come back and talk about this.
I mean, it's happened to me recent Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
Oh interesting. My last question prompt is how do you
balance the fantasy of surrender with real world self respect.
That's a good one. I like that one, So I'll
have you back to talk about. You know, how kink
can be empowering for those of us who have been
fucked in the head for a while.
Speaker 4 (47:49):
My pleasure.
Speaker 3 (47:50):
Okay, Well, thank you everybody for coming today. Janie, You're
my hero. Thank you for being here. The next two weeks.
I have a big announcement in in two and a
half weeks, I'm starting a brand new podcast. It is
called fifty Shades of Enlightenment, and I'm doing a fifty
(48:10):
Shade series. I'm doing three podcasts coming soon, all of
them are fifty Shades segment. Thomas Sawyer is going to
be my host with me on fifty Kades of Empowerment,
Sorry of enlightenment, excuse me, I even lost my own head,
and he's coming on the next two weeks to lead
(48:33):
into our new podcast, So come back. You're going to
learn some amazing like psychic fun either world. Yeah, you
want to come back one of those two weeks and
have your cards read or reading? Yes, let's do it
all right, So come back next week, same time, same place,
and until then, let's keep this shit real. If you
(48:57):
enjoyed this episode, please share with your friends, like and
follow us on Instagram at fifty Shades of Underscore Bullshit
and Facebook at fifty Shades of Bullshit. Thanks so much
for listening, and we really hope to see you again
next week
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