Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuningthe end. This is another episode the
Fight to Resilient Podcasts, and Iam your host, Jazzman. It has
been a while. It's been awhile and a lot that happened between the
last episode and this one. SoI'm gonna catch y'all up and bet y'all
know, like how I've been mentally, I've been really struggling. I've been
(00:25):
really struggling with my mental health lately. I feel like I just been in
like a very dark place. It'sbeen hard for me to like find peace.
It's hard to focus like on atask, and I I get so
I get overwhelmed easily. And it'slike I'm just I'm just tired, Like
(00:46):
I am mentally exhausted, Like I'mI'm tired of trying to excel. I'm
trying. I'm tired of, uh, trying to just get through to day
is like simple tasks like getting upand just going through like the basics of
life. Feel like it's just beena challenge, like it's so hard,
(01:07):
and like y'all know how I amwith the jobs, and I think I
done went through like three jobs sincethe last episode. But it's just like
I've been. I'm I'm having ahard time finding my place. I guess
if that makes sense. I'm justI'm just having a hard time. Like
and then, like I've mentioned onthe other episodes, like I do deal
with anxiety and depression, and Ithink around the holidays is when it starts
(01:33):
to that depression gets worse because especiallyin November because actually, and it's so
crazy because this year, on Thanksgiving, it'll actually be twenty years my mom
and grandma been dead. So Ihaven't been really focusing like, oh,
Thanksgiving this next week. I've beenmore so dreading, like, ah,
it'll be twenty years next week.You see what I'm saying. So it
(01:57):
kind of like been putting like alittle damp on my life or whatever.
But I know that I won't belike this always, which is why I'm
doing this, uh episode. Andbefore I even start, like, when
you listen to this, whether it'searly morning or late at night, I
wanna challenge you to do something differentthan you did the day before. And
(02:19):
I'm challenging y'all because somebody challenged meand it was so random. I I
mean, it wasn't random because itwas my good friend and I text him
good morning, you know, causehe was on my spirit, and you
know, he takes back with hiswords of encouragement and he was like,
do something different than what you didyesterday. He was like, it could
be something as simple as putting yourpants on before your shirt. And it's
(02:42):
like that resonated with me, likeso deep because you like it. It
It made me like, you knowwhat, now that somebody has challenged me,
let me do that. So y'all, I went and I pulled out
all my little equipment to record mypodcast and everything like that. And I
had got excited. I got excited, and then I think maybe and maybe
(03:05):
not even an hour by that samefriend who challenged me, he lost his
grandma. And y'all, that hitme so hard. It it hit me
so hard because I'm very empathetic,you know. I I take on people
feeling like I feel what other peoplego through. And that really, that
really, like really broke my heart. I mean I didn't personally know his
(03:27):
grandma, but I know how hisrelationship was with his grandma, and it
was like, in that moment,I wish it was something I coulda did,
you know, but all I knewto do was to go and pray
for him, you know. II I I let him know that I'm
I'm available for him, you know, and that's all I can do.
And I know, like in ourtime of grieving, it's so simple for
(03:50):
us to say, oh, I'mpraying for you, or everything's gonna be
alright, or Grandma in a betterplace, like those things are just like
natural things to say and and atime of breathing, right, but they
don't always bring comfort, like sometimesa person just like maybe take their mind
off. And that's why I wishit was more I could have done.
(04:12):
So when I reached out to him, you know, to talk to'em,
I'm like, listen, I amhere. I don't have the words
to say. I wish I knewwhat to say to to ease your pain.
But guess what that is. That'sgonna be some pain that you're gonna
have to get through on your onyour own. And so that's why when
I be seeing people putting a timelimit on grieving or a time limit on
(04:34):
on listen, I get it.And I'll say that it does get better
over time, but you'll never forgetthat like you're having to when you lose
someone or grandparent or whatever. You'rehaving to readjust your whole life, like
you got to go about your lifewith that person no longer in your life.
(04:58):
That's a big adjustment. So nobodycan put a timeline on how to
grieve or how long you should grieveover somebody. You see what I'm saying
now, I will say that ifW W grieving will that will lead to
depression. And that was one thingthat I said, like, Okay,
be sure to just praying as Godto to keep your mind clear because it's
(05:18):
so easy to slip into a depression, which is like the the main thing
that I think that I'm dealing with, like with the anxiety. My anxiety
is that I worry about the futureor it it's hard for me to live
in the now. You know,it's hard for me to live in the
present because I'm always worried about whatcould happen, what if this don't go
(05:39):
right? I gotta get this straight. I think too far in the future,
and it's hard for me to livein the present, and then that
depression takes over when I'm thinking aboutthose loved ones. You see what I'm
saying. I I'm thinking about whatlife used to be or how I used
to be or or or or orthe peace that I used to have.
And that's when that depression I'm gonnasneak up on you over there. And
(06:01):
then, like I said, that'swhat I've been dealing with, That's what
I've been dealing with lately. It'sjust been real dark. And I I
wanna say this was probably like thefirst of November. I just had my
heart was just real heavy, andI was getting ready to start a new
job. I think the next day, I think I went to or went
(06:21):
for orientation. It was November thesecond, So November the first is when
I had an anxiety attack and Ijust felt, like I said, I
felt my spirit was r like realheavy. I felt real sad, and
so you know what, I waslike, I'm gonna reach out to the
people in my life. I wannareach out. I just wanna tell them,
(06:44):
good morning, you know how youdoing, I love you? You
know, just just I just wantedto share that with them. And some
of the response. Matter of fact, all the responses I got from my
ateen, my cousins, my mybest friend, all of them, it
made me so emotional because it's likeI wish that I could see what other
people see of me, Like Icould be so hard on myself, y'all,
(07:09):
And I'm gonna tell you that weare our worst enemies. We are
our worst enemies because we are sohard on ourselves. We are so critical.
I know I am. I'm socritical that I feel like if I
get myself in the bay or II feel like I'm the reason for uh
or if I we I'm trying tosay, y'all, I feel like if
(07:33):
there's a situation where it's like Icause myself to be down or I cause
myself to be said, I feellike I don't even I don't even wanna
go to God about it because Ifeel like I brought this on myself,
Like I shouldn't take that to God. But I don't know why we think
like that, y'all. May don'tI. I I know I found myself
thinking like that a lot. LikeI be like, no, I'm not
(07:56):
gonna even go to God on itbecause that was something I pull you know,
that was something I brought on myself. Let me figure out how to
get through it. Let me figureout how to get through it. And
that's what we mess up at whenwe try to get through stuff on our
own. It's like when I see, like when Jazz, when Jazz is
trying to put her clothes on orsomething like that, and I'm trying to
help her, like I'm here this, Hey, you're four years old.
(08:16):
I know it's you're some stuff.You still got to you know. So
I'm trying to help her, andit's like, no, she don't want
my help. She's determined to doit on her own. Well, okay,
I'm gonna step back and let youtry it on your own. I
don't walk away from I just stepback. Let her see. I sit
there and see a struggle, struggle, struggle, and then guess where else
eventu Eventually, after she don't getit, she like, okay, mamma,
(08:39):
give me some heal and I'm rightthere to step in. God,
it's just like that with us,y'all. He'll sit there and he'll watch
us do this and do that,like, okay, she trying to figure
out on her ome. I'm righthere. I'm just waiting on her to
call on me. I'm waiting onher to call on me. And and
when you do, y'all, thatis let me tell you something I don't
know, cause y'all know I'm goodto be all over the place. I
(09:01):
swear even when I'm talking to myfriends, I'd be all over the place.
So just following me the best wayyou can. I'm I'm I'm a
kind of nervous putting the episode out, but I wanna get it out because
my heart is heavy. I wannaget this out. And so, like
I said, November first, Idon't forgot where I was going, But
November first is when I I Ihad that breakdown and and that particular day
(09:24):
I didn't my kids didn't go tosch j Jetarian didn't go to school,
and it was like I needed himto be there for my support, you
know, and I just I justflipped out because I was so disappointed in
myself. I I just I feltlike I wasn't where I was supposed to
be in life. It's like Ithought, back when I was twenty three
years old, I had my shittogether or you know, Bells was paid
(09:48):
on time, and you know,it's just like I was just beating myself
up. I'm talking about bullying,straight up bullying myself. Y'all that I
made mysel he feel bad and itbroke me down, and I cried.
And I'm constantly insulting myself and insultingmyself, and and eventually, like y'all,
(10:09):
that day was so rough on me. But guess what I end I'm
having to do? Go to theBible. I said, Lord, please,
I cried out to God, andI gave it to God because guess
what, I can't do it onmy own. I cannot do this on
my own. And then I hadanother friend you know where we be texting
or whatever, and she said,faith without work is dead. We gotta
(10:30):
put the work in. And thatis so true, because I can sit
around the house and pray, Lord, help me do this, Help me,
help me, help me. Butguess what, If I am not
putting forth the effort on my own, then what am I doing? What
am I well and God about it? If I'm not doing my part?
And my part is taking the necessarysteps. So with that being said,
(10:54):
if I know that I am strugglingwith anxiety and depression, yeah I go
see a professional. Yes I amon medication. I know a lot of
people be against medicine or whatever,but this goes to show like I'm asking
God for help to overcome it.So I wanna make sure that I am
taking the nece serious steff that Ineed to to make sure that I'm better.
(11:15):
And like I said, the thatone thing that has helped me was
going to that Bible, y'all.That Bible is is full of encouragement and
and it it's like it's it's ait's a scripture for everything that you're going
through. And I know for me, like I got on Pintriest and I
was able to find like you know, little templates to help me like get
(11:39):
through the Bible and stuff like that, and it has really helped. And
every morning I dedicate time to God, y'all. I gotta keep it up.
I gotta keep it up. Thatis the one thing that has helped
me. And I'm gonna say this, this was a big step for me.
Also, I finally reached out toa psychiatrist. Yeah, comic,
(12:00):
raise it whatever, whatever, butit is what it is. I felt
like it has come to this becauseI am willing to do everything that I
can do on my end to getcontrol of the anxiety and depression. Instead
of complaining, I wanna read thisscripture. Now. I ain't no preacher,
but nothing, y'all, but Idid wanna read this uh scripture,
(12:20):
and it comes from let me findit, Proverbs twenty nine. Let me
find y'all, hold on, Okay, So it's Proverbs chapter twenty nine,
verse eleven. My Bible does reada little different, but guess what is
straight to the point? Uh.Proverbs chapter twenty nine, verse eleven says
(12:41):
a stupid person gives vent to allhis feelings, but the wise one calmly
keeps them in check. I waswatching a girl on YouTube, and when
she gave that scripture, like Isaid, her read a little different,
so it didn't say stupid. Sowhen I I went to my Bible to
(13:01):
read it, and I was like, wow, you know, because I
find myself, guess what, gettingso angry and getting so frustrated and getting
so overwhelmed in that house that I'mgoing out on everybody. I'm I'm,
I'm, I'm venting my feelings.I'm saying out loud, I'm I'm sick
of y'all. I don't have todo this every day. I gotta clean
up behind y'all. Don't nobody help. I'm going off, y'all. I
am like angry, and guess whatdoes that help anything? No, do
(13:24):
they get the house clean? Nope? Do that scare them into scaring around
picking up the stuff? No?It just makes me mad because so what's
the point. What is the point? And I'm gonna read another verse out
of chapter twenty nine. This isverse sixteen and said, when the wicked
increased, transgression increases, but therighteous will see will see their downfall.
(13:50):
I got so much, like,I got so much motivation from that scripture
because, like I said, Icame across that girl video right when I
was struggling with this, and itresonated so well. Because guess what,
what is you telling your what youor your anger or venting to somebody?
What's that gonna do get you ajourney? Write it down? Now.
(14:11):
I'm not gonna say I don't complyingor I don't vent, but guess what.
I try to keep it to aminimum when I'm communicating with people and
and even my husband. But okay, y'all, cause my time is running
down. I just wanted to getthis off my chest. Like I said
in the beginning, I wanna challengeyou to do something different than you did
the day before. Okay, thankyou our fortunity, and then make sure
that you're following the podcast, soyou'll be notified the next time I upload
(14:35):
a episode. Thank you, Bye,